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Slowloris81 Archive

View 10 posts and 633 comments by Slowloris81 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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2

That categorical statement is wrong. It’s jurisdiction specific but premarital assets are generally NOT protected if they’re intermingled with marital assets during marriage. It depends on what you do with them. Ironic that you’re decrying misinformation when you’re contributing to it. This is why OP needs to consult a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/26 02:37 PM
2

Do it and get an attorney to do it right, especially if you’re a high earner and are entering marriage with a lot of assets. None of us got married expecting divorce. It’s the unexpected you need to plan for especially given the tremendous potential liabilities.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/26 01:44 PM
2

Yes. I filed and am much happier for it. It’s a fallacy that kids are happier in a toxic household. Better two happier households than one unhappy one. The end result is more happiness to give to your child. The guilt is normal but you can let it go if you feel like you’ve exhausted all options. I asked my ex for therapy and she refused. Then her abuse escalated until it crossed a red line. I filed because I had no choice and felt no guilt because I knew it was the last and necessary resort. Man…
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/26 04:43 AM
2

It sounds like you’re describing my ex exactly. It’s hard to go through it but you’ll feel so much better once you get that toxicity out of your life. I’m in NJ too and have been through it (recently finalized divorce) so if I can be of any help just let me know.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/26 10:35 PM
3

Really sad situation but very happy for you for this result.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/26 09:13 PM
1

I’m sorry, that’s awful. She seems to clearly be attempting to take advantage of her legal experience to trap you into admissions that could hurt your case.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/26 02:09 PM
11

General rule of contracts is offer, acceptance, and consideration. Contracts can be made informally, even orally. You need to be extremely careful when you communicate with her because everything you say can be used as an admission. It’s smart to channel communications through your lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/26 01:56 PM
11

Cheaters don’t change. It’s part of their constitution. Taking a cheater back will invariably lead to more cheating at some point.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/26 04:54 PM
2

Yes. I had an audio recording. I also had bruising on my neck which the police saw. I agree with you. I think a man who did what she did would be treated a lot worse.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/26 03:21 AM
1

I called the police when my wife assaulted me. She was arrested and criminally charged with aggravated assault. I had no say in the charges; it was the State’s decision. She ultimately pleaded guilty pursuant to a program that would erase her conviction. I consented to the program. It generally matters in terms of custody and atmospherically. Rare that it could affect financial obligations but you’d have to consult a lawyer about the laws in your jurisdiction.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/26 02:52 AM
3

Totally agree with you. Especially because they are taking advantage of people at their most vulnerable: spouses who are grieving their marriage, processing their anger, and children caught in the middle.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 10:36 PM
5

I have a similar frustration. I’m an attorney and I still can’t access the docket. It made it very difficult to manage my own case. There are some simple solutions but just incredible inertia to change anything for the better. Ridiculous.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 03:06 PM
9

Yes. It’s a broken system. But it’s worse than just that. Their financial incentive is to generate strife and they use legal fees as a weapon against their adversaries. And for all that money, they generally do mediocre work at best and will never care as much about the case as you do and your life is held hostage to their schedules. I used a family law attorney for my divorce. But now that it’s over, I’m handling post-divorce disputes about parenting issues pro se. I’m much happier for it. I’m …
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 01:53 PM
12

Yes. But it takes time and effort. My life is so much richer than ever with quality people and quality time with kids. But it took a few years to rebuild. Meanwhile definitely lean on this group to help you get there.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/26 02:37 AM
1

Thank you! I really appreciate the advice and perspective.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 02:05 PM
6

So sorry to hear that. This group is here to support you. Document her selfishness and her leaving the kids in your care to be with an affair partner. It’ll help you down the road if custody becomes an issue.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/26 08:10 PM
2

Wow. Thank you for this well thought out response and perspective. It means a lot and I found this very helpful! The kids definitely feel like they would betray their mother if they allowed themselves to have an open mind towards my girlfriend. That attitude is not limited to my girlfriend but extends to my side of the family generally.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/26 02:36 PM
2

Thanks for the helpful advice.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/26 12:59 PM
4

I am OK now, thank you. It escalated to the point where she physically assaulted me in front of our kids and that was the end of it. I got a TRO and filed for divorce. It’s really sad that it got to that point. It’s been four years by this point and my life is so much better now but it was a rebuilding process.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 09:51 PM
11

Wow, these observations are well articulated and really hit the mark. All of these features were present in my marriage and I felt ashamed to share them with others.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 09:19 PM
3

Yes. I initiated and was similarly situated but I was in an abusive marriage and exhausted all options first before filing. I asked for couple’s counseling and wanted to save the marriage if I could so did it as a last resort. That helped with the guilt because I really had no other option. If you file, her reaction will be out of your control. You can hope for minimal conflict but once battle lines are drawn and lawyers are involved it can be a fool’s hope.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/26 07:04 PM
3

Sorry to hear that. Not reciprocated in my situation either. But we teach them what’s right even though - and maybe especially because - our ex doesn’t.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 11:16 AM
10

Same. It was an opportunity to rebuild my life and it’s so much better. I cut off all the toxic relationships, starting with my ex, and found healthy ones to replace them.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 01:23 AM
5

For me it’s not about her but about the kids. They should be encouraged to celebrate mothers’ day because it is the right thing to do for them. I help them get cards and gifts that they want to get and we always arrange the schedule so the kids are with her on Mother’s Day and with me on Father’s Day.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 01:00 AM
12

Here’s one: Not having to live with a toxic person who poisons your home and very existence. There’s more but that’s enough for me.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 11:00 PM
5

My understanding is it should include bonus. I’m in NJ and went through this. My bonus was taken into account. Certainly that would factor into alimony too that you may be entitled to. Please feel free to DM me.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 04:47 PM
12

When she made herself unlovable through her chronic disrespect and abuse.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 12:32 AM
4

Yup. My ex is impossible. We have a parent coordinator because otherwise she will simply violate our custody agreement without my ability to timely address issues. So far I was able to get favorable rulings on certain issues but it’s too early to tell whether it’s improving things. The parent coordinator is privately retained so it is an added cost to consider.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 07:01 PM
2

Decided based on: Confidence I had sufficient facts to make an assessment; Confidence in understanding the legal issues and risks on discretionary court determinations; and Projected attorneys’ costs in going to trial.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/26 05:42 PM
5

Same here. I couldn’t find support groups either and felt alone and somewhat lost until I found this sub. Happy that it’s here and that you found comfort in it too.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/26 01:06 AM
7

It changed from having a relationship to having no relationship. I expected it so no big loss.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 08:07 PM
2

Of course. Good luck! Also for what it’s worth I’m around your age and similarly situated so don’t let age discourage you. It shouldn’t. 45 is the new 25.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 08:48 PM
5

Yes. Life is so much better now. Great group of friends, amazing girlfriend, career success. Amazing how life blossoms without a toxic spouse poisoning your existence. That’s not to say there aren’t challenges and stressors. There are. But I’m so much happier now than I was with my ex. Don’t lose hope. It’s hard to see it when you’re in the thick of it but with effort you can rebuild your life for the better.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 07:58 PM
7

I dated after a couple years after I felt healed and ready. I did not miss my ex and thank the day we separated. It was about allowing myself to be healed first.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 11:58 AM
2

First thing I did was get into gardening. It helped me a lot—forces you outdoors, good exercise, commune with nature, nurture living things, and instills hope in growth.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/26 04:27 PM
3

I think you have the right idea. Acknowledge their feelings but also hold the line—that it’s your time and you’ll have fun together and find ways to make it special. It’ll likely be challenging at first but kids adjust as long as you maintain consistency.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/26 05:12 PM
3

Go pro se if you need to. Don’t give up. The kids need a dad who will fight for them. We don’t give in to terrorism.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/26 04:20 PM
1

I’m so sorry. I can sadly relate.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 10:45 AM
1

Yes. The sad reality is you have to work hard to make it; it’s gonna come to you. The good news is that this group is a support group and I’ve had great support and met some good people through this group.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 11:00 PM
3

It’s jurisdiction specific. You need to consult the laws in your state if you live in the US. Generally speaking, marital assets are subject to equitable distribution. That typically means 50/50. Premarital assets, however, are generally exempt if not commingled. This is just a starting point for your own research and an attorney consult. You can and should still be advised by a lawyer on the agreement even if you don’t go to court.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 02:57 AM
3

I’m going pro se now but am also an attorney. I was tired of my life and my finances out of my control with someone who didn’t care like I did or know the facts like I did. Also hated being out of the loop and not being informed of things in a timely fashion.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 09:47 AM
1

Thanks so much!
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/26 08:06 PM
2

Thank you! Not corny at all. It’s really helpful to hear it again even if it’s been said before. I’m loving life too but it’s just been a lot to manage all on my own.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/26 08:06 PM
1

Thank you. It means a lot to hear that!
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/26 08:04 PM
1

Thanks! Really appreciate the support. 🙏
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/26 05:32 PM
1

Because they often get their husbands to front the costs, either via the marital estate, or through cost shifting. Or their families help them if their parents are well off. Or they decide it’s worth the risk. So in many cases you’re forced to underwrite your own destruction. Your rationale also makes no sense. You’re “paying for your ex to have sex,” as you put it, one way or the other, either through a court order or consensual resolution.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 01:18 AM
2

If you want to try to save your marriage, I don’t see the down side. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. But this way you’ll know you tried every avenue and will know that divorce was the last but necessary resort.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 12:17 AM
3

Congrats! You’ll find a new and better belonging. It takes time but with some effort it’ll happen.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 12:14 AM
6

So the alternative you’re suggesting is to fight it out in court through a trial that could easily cost you over $100K in legal fees alone to likely get a similar result or potentially worse? Ok dude. Great advice.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 12:02 AM
–

This is a question for your lawyer. It varies by jurisdiction. Your lawyer will be able to tell you if it qualifies as valid service. Your lawyer can also generally decide to accept service on your behalf if you technically haven’t been served. It’s not worth playing games with this. Also worth noting that, if you’re represented, they shouldn’t be contacting you directly.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 09:43 PM
1

Because it sounds sanctionable, risking the imposition of costs, and you’ll ruin your credibility if you ever need it down the road by getting a reputation as a vexatious litigant. Hard for me to understand why you couldn’t get the relief you’re looking for in your divorce action. I’m sorry for what you went through—it sounded pretty brutal—but this doesn’t seem like a good idea so I hope you think better about it.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 10:33 PM
3

I’m an attorney too. I’ve seen it in my research but never heard of anyone actually doing this. Courts really dislike it from what I’ve seen as they tend to view the suing spouse as vindictive and overly litigious so be careful. There might also be issues concerning res judicata and entire controversy bars but don’t know your jurisdiction. I wouldn’t consider doing it unless you had a clear winner.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 02:57 PM
1

I’m so sorry, man. That’s heartbreaking. It’s astounding how deceived we were into believing we married decent people.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 11:43 PM
1

A person who isn’t worth your time. It’s a matter of basic respect. I wouldn’t ever say that to even someone I dislike, much less my spouse.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 11:42 PM
6

For the thrill of the fight and to try to cause pain through the court system.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/26 01:09 AM
5

Co-parenting. I’m finding it very challenging with a hostile ex who keeps trying to undermine me.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 04:27 PM
6

Yeah, for the better. It made me realize how much stronger and more resilient I was than I realized and that my self-worth wasn’t defined by my ex or anyone else but me.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/26 06:05 PM
3

I’m so sorry for you but this group is here to support. This is a safe space to talk about these issues, away from family and married friends who can have difficulty relating. There’s a lot of collective wisdom and understanding here. First thing I suggest you do is get a discreet consult with a lawyer to estimate what it would cost and your potential liabilities. Many will offer a free consult. Then you can decide on the next steps on an informed basis.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/26 06:37 PM
1

So sorry to hear that. Yeah, similar here. My ex was criminally charged for assault and pleaded guilty yet she’s convinced the kids that I’m somehow to blame. It’s tough. I just have to develop a thick skin and realize that they’re being manipulated but it gets to me at times. I’m trying to get appropriate therapy but she’s blocking me.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/26 02:19 PM
7

So sorry to read this and so relatable. A grieving period is necessary. But just know that a rebuilding process is possible, too.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/26 03:38 AM
2

Thanks man. I really appreciate the support!
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/26 02:32 AM
11

Just ignore her social media. A lot of it is just to compensate or vent. People who need that kind of attention are insecure and unhealed.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 07:12 PM
3

So sorry to hear this. Just know you’re not alone and this group is here to help and support you. Don’t make any big decisions without consulting your lawyer. Be present and involved for your kid especially if you’re concerned about custody. It’s very scary at first but it’ll work itself out especially as many jurisdictions are more father-friendly and equitable about custody than they were decades ago.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 03:21 PM
4

Dude, divorced doesn’t have a stigma. Dating has actually been way better now than before I was married. There are also a lot of divorced women on the apps and they get it. Just take the plunge when you’re ready with zero expectations at first and you’ll find your way.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 02:15 PM
4

It doesn’t carry a stigma if that’s what you’re asking. Especially if you’re dating other divorced women. They get it.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 02:12 PM
5

Yeah. Clean break between the two families. I have no communication with her side of the family and she doesn’t communicate with mine, which is just fine by me.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 02:53 AM
3

Mediation helped in high-conflict situation. Neither side felt like it had to broach the issue because it was required. Although there are ways to propose it without signaling weakness.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 05:06 PM
2

Same.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/26 08:16 PM
12

This assumes they have an end game. Mine just acted on impulse without thinking through the consequences.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/26 03:07 AM
7

The more the attorneys drag it out, the more money they make. In terms of a more innocent and possible explanation, attorneys frequently push dates because of their own scheduling conflicts.
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/26 12:47 AM
2

Golden rule is reasonable. Inform about major things. Set boundaries and politely but firmly ignore or brush off the rest or it’ll never stop.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/26 02:42 AM
1

Ah ok, got it. So the strategy is do the obvious thing and keep useful records. Noted.
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/26 02:27 AM
2

Sounds like it.
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/26 02:07 AM
3

Um most financial records are required by law to be kept by financial institutions for years. It’s impossible for them to go missing. If your adversary doesn’t produce them, you need to move to compel or subpoena the institutions.
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/26 02:06 AM
5

Made affirmative efforts to reach out to old friends and asked them if they knew any divorced guys who have been super great to connect with. They have all been remarkably receptive. You’ve gotta make the effort and put yourself out there. I’ve learned that help is there but you have to seek it. It will not come to you.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/26 07:14 PM
10

Lawyer. You are not wrong seeking to adjust the amounts as allowed by law. Her response is manipulative. Do what’s right for yourself, your kids, and your spouse and ignore her reaction.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 06:11 PM
7

Yikes. That “test” itself is not normal. Sounds like you’re better off.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 01:36 AM
10

I’m so sorry. If she demanded it, it sounds like there was no going back. That’s at the very least emotional manipulation. I found it helpful to look forward and never backward. That way each day is a step towards something different and hopefully better. The future is your own now.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 01:30 AM
1

Thanks for clarifying. Didn’t realize you went through divorce too. That would have been helpful to know. Your post came across as condescending. If you’re trying to help you might want to work on your tone.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 01:16 AM
3

Pretty weird to be following this sub just to float some remarkably self-assured “insights” without any personal experience. Why are you following this sub and what’s your motive for floating your theories?
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 12:51 AM
5

Haha nice! In a way it’s better that we independently wrote our impressions so they might better reinforce the point. It’s great to have time to yourself because before I had so much guilt if I missed time with the kids for friends, family, or personal things, and now I have none. Also you can catch up on chores and stuff so you’re rejuvenated once you’re with the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 02:07 AM
7

Carrying on in a toxic marriage is worse. Two happy (or at least happier) but separate households is way better than one toxic one. A 50/50 schedule or something close to it is actually pretty great because you have quality time with the kids and quality time to yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 01:53 AM
14

Why is forgiveness needed? Acceptance of the situation is a more important factor to move forward.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 04:57 PM
8

When she made herself unlovable through her disrespect and abuse.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 01:23 PM
8

Very true. It gave me the daunting but exciting opportunity to rebuild my life, filling it with positive people and experiences and cutting out toxic ones. It took time and effort but my life is so much richer now.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 03:49 PM
1

Thanks man! Wishing the same to you! Same here on the double front. Experienced divorce as a child and now have to relive the experience through the eyes of a parent.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 06:50 PM
6

Exactly. If this is what she wanted, this is what she’ll get. Already fired two letters off to her attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 12:13 AM
8

I hired a lawyer even though I’m also a lawyer because family law isn’t my area.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/25 08:32 PM
6

I went to law school and became a lawyer and then did litigation?
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/25 08:08 PM
5

Thanks, appreciate the support. Yeah, fortunately (or unfortunately?) I learned a ton about family law over a contentious 2-1/2 year divorce so I think I’m good on my own at this point.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/25 07:16 PM
5

You know it!! Slathered the shit out of it.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/25 04:23 PM
9

Thanks, man. Totally echo your sentiments. This group has been a tremendous source of support especially during the really rough times.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/25 01:05 PM
4

I divorced an abusive, toxic ex who kept me from spending quality time with my kids, family, and friends. I finalized my divorce earlier this year on terms that achieved all of my goals (50/50 custody, kept the house, limited alimony). My life is so much richer and healthier now, with a great relationship with my kids, wonderful girlfriend, family and friends. My advice is this: if you are cutting out someone who is toxic, your life and your kids’ lives will be infinitely better for it. And when…
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/25 07:44 PM
3

I hear you. Sorry, man. The holidays are really hard for me too, especially since all of my family are out of town so I have to do my best alone with the kids during the times I have them. I know it doesn’t help you in practice but emotionally it helps to know you’re not alone.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/25 07:02 PM
2

Yes. Our mediator was great and told my stbx straight up when she was being unreasonable, paving the way for a settlement of both financial and custody issues.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 04:49 PM
1

You can be generous but that doesn’t have to be your opening bid. Leave yourself room for adjustments through negotiation.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 01:41 PM
4

This is heartbreaking to hear. I’m really sorry.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 11:25 AM
6

Wait, what? Your STBX is being difficult? Welcome to the club, my man.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 01:02 AM
2

What assessment do you have to value the equity? Has the property been appraised? 12 months seems like a long time to not get your payout. I kept the home but was obligated to buy my ex out in 90 days.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 01:01 AM
11

My ex was like that—no accountability at all. Not even when she assaulted me and was criminally charged. That’s why she’s my ex. My girlfriend now takes accountability when appropriate and expects the same of me. The two relationships are night and day.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 12:55 AM
24

Same story here. I worked and made a good living to make a good life for her and our two kids. I was involved as I could be. Worked from home for over two years during Covid to help out and keep the kids safe. She was a stay at home mom. I gave up everything and gave everything but nothing was ever good enough. Sooner or later you realize the problem isn’t you, it’s her. It’s ultimately a selfish and ungrateful outlook where any discomfort is a personal slight to her and you’re the outlet for he…
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/25 10:34 PM
4

You kidding me? Cheaters don’t change. Better off without her and end it now rather than keep suffering for years.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 01:19 PM
4

Hey man, sorry to hear that but welcome to the club. It’s really tough at first but you’ll be better for it in the end. I filed and I’m much happier. We’re here for you for support and if we can help answer any questions.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 12:31 AM
1

Hey man, really sorry that you’re in this position but welcome to the group. This is a wonderful sub that helped me a lot. It helps to know you’re not alone. It’s wild how many of us have the same stories. It’s a good sanity check that the main issue isn’t you (not to say that there isn’t room for improvement, as there always is), at least not in the way your STBX claims.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/25 04:58 PM
4

I’m in NJ. I got 50/50. That’s the presumption absent credible allegations of abuse, etc., or some extreme reason not to. You can’t stop her from making false allegations but you can take measures to protect yourself by making sure you have evidence to rebut any false charges.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/25 07:17 PM
6

Yes. But it helps to know you’re not alone. It is in your power to surround yourself with positive people who can support you and empathize with the fact that you’re dealing with an ex who sadly believes her own delusions and has formed a victim complex. That made a big difference for me.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/25 04:33 PM
6

Yeah. Just assume she’s going to do that and don’t let it get to you. You can’t control what she’s going to do. You can only control what’s in your power. That means tell your mutual friends the truth and also form your own network. If your “mutual friends” believer your ex’s lies without hearing your side, then they weren’t friends worth keeping anyways.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/25 03:58 PM
11

Don’t give a shit about what her friends think. I have my own group of friends who know and support me.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/25 01:07 PM
7

It’s really jurisdiction specific but I hear California is really tough for guys. As for legal fees, yeah - they’re crushing. If it’s a drawn out fight, easily over $100K each and she might ask you to pay all or some portion of her share. I made it through but because I had no choice and also my marriage wasn’t as long so alimony was capped. Fortunately I had saved up enough to absorb much of the hit but it was still a significant hit.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/25 01:45 AM
1

That’s a question for your lawyer. As a general matter if mediation will clearly be a waste of time based on your adversary’s unreasonable positions, you can end it whenever you want.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 04:33 PM
1

Mediation is generally optional and nonbinding so if she’s unreasonable there’s nothing you can do. Hopefully if it’s a good mediator the mediator will explain to her that she’s being unreasonable. It worked in my situation. We came out of mediation with an agreed 50/50 split.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 03:46 PM
1

Do you have a lawyer with you? Your lawyer should explain what the law is—in many jurisdictions 50/50 is the presumption nowadays absent reason to deviate. Have at your fingertips the key facts showing your love and involvement and be prepared to rebut any allegations you anticipate your stbx may raise. Bring your laptop and documents to mediation so you can have them at your fingertips if you need to show documents to the mediator.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 03:30 PM
6

Appeals are rarely successful over family court matters. Even the best appellate lawyers can’t win a losing hand. Good luck on the appeal.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 03:26 AM
13

Sounds like his ex appealed. He’s just defending his win.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 03:24 AM
2

Not to mention the litigation privilege. Don’t know the jurisdiction but in most you generally can’t sue someone for something they said in court.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/25 07:42 AM
1

Thanks man. Appreciate it!
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/25 04:38 PM
5

It’s a good message overall. Also know you’re not alone. Many guys in the same position and sending you positive thoughts.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/25 01:44 PM
7

Apps. Hinge worked best for me. Got lots of dates and enjoyed them all even when it didn’t work out. Just have to not take it personally if you don’t get a ton of matches. That’s just part of the process.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/25 01:21 AM
1

Exactly.
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/25 01:38 PM
2

That’s not necessarily true. I still needed to attend a uncontested hearing after mediation. Even if it’s uncontested the court sometimes wants to hear from the parties to confirm they’ve been properly advised and consent freely.
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/25 01:03 PM
1

Good for you! Mine dragged on too and was so happy when judgment day finally arrived.
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/25 12:04 PM
2

Mediator doesn’t have power to divorce you. That’s just to help settle. It needs to be signed off by a judge regardless.
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/25 07:48 AM
2

Typically the court enters an order or judgement of divorce. That’s typically the date of the uncontested hearing but it can be a few days afterwards—just a paperwork issue.
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/25 07:47 AM
3

It’s awesome. I love the time with the kids but also the time to myself. You get to catch up with friends, date, just do whatever you like without any guilt. All the things your ex kept you from. Then you’re recharged to enjoy your time with the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/25 02:35 AM
6

When she assaulted me in front of the kids. That was a red line that was crossed and there was no turning back from there.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 09:32 PM
1

Are they required to notify you? I’m not sure they are but your lawyer should be able to tell you. You should set up your own meeting if you’re concerned.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 01:43 AM
1

Sometimes GALs meet separately but you should be given the opportunity to meet as well. Can you contact the GAL or have your lawyer do so if you’re represented?
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 01:18 AM
2

Pretty good overall. I’ve found I’ve connected best with women who are also single parents. They get the constraints and priorities and it’s nice to be able to relate.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/25 09:19 PM
4

My ex agreed to 50/50 pretty quickly once she realized she had no basis otherwise and that I’d fight her and get it. It can be a moment of reasoned reflection. Doesn’t have to be part of a nefarious plot.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 01:55 AM
3

If she’s not a safety concern, sounds like 50/50 is the right way to settle it. If you fight for primary custody, 50/50 won’t be the baseline; she’ll go for everything in court. That will put you through a lot financially, emotionally, and subject the kids to a drawn out process and potential court involvement—all to probably secure 50/50 anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 01:53 AM
3

Ah interesting, thanks. Never heard of that before.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 12:26 AM
6

Awful. Out of curiosity, what’s a parent coach?
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/25 11:57 PM
6

You described my situation exactly. I don’t get it. I wouldn’t treat anyone with such disrespect, let alone the other parent of my kid. How do they feel like it’s ok to act this way?
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/25 01:03 AM
11

This resonates so much. Similar situation here.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/25 11:48 PM
2

Then you’ll need to consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction for legal advice but if it’s purely financial I don’t see a down side. You’ll get paid for your share of the equity.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/25 02:35 AM
3

Similar situation. Sounds like a mental health issue. You can’t reason your way out of it. What did you read saying that kids are permanently and negatively harmed by divorce? They’re harmed by a toxic home environment. There’s a cost to inaction. I filed for divorce. Everyone is much happier and while there are challenges the kids are doing great overall. They were similarly aged to yours.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/25 02:33 AM
4

It has implications for custody and who keeps the house (with a buyout for the spouse who moves out). If you move it, that’s the new status quo and it’ll be hard to change it. Doesn’t sound like custody is an issue in your case given the age of your son.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/25 02:24 AM
15

If part of the reason for the divorce is lack of accountability, that will never change. Don’t hold your breath, my man.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/25 04:00 PM
1

Similar situation here. If you get any good advice would be interested to hear it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/25 12:54 AM
6

You’re fine. Your ex is fine. You probably don’t live in a place like New York City. There early/mid 30s is early to have a kid.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/25 12:50 AM
4

Good for you! Where were you 12 years ago when I married my ex?
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 12:25 AM
2

No shared holidays. Only thing we share is if we show up to recitals and stuff and we don’t interact. Easier for everyone that way but also was not an amicable split.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 01:02 AM
8

Advice is to ignore her manipulation tactics and get what the law entitles you to get. It’s a business transaction from this point on.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 11:40 PM
3

It really depends on your marriage. Mine was toxic so I had no choice but to file. The alternative was intolerable. It was an adjustment but I’m much happier now. We split the kids 50/50 so I have quality time with them and quality time to myself. Pretty sweet overall.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 01:07 AM
4

Don’t know your jurisdiction but it’s common to date when separated. If you’re looking to reconcile, that’s one thing. If not, why do you care other than if it’s a preexisting relationship that proves infidelity from before the separation?
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/25 03:36 PM
10

In a healthy, supportive relationship now with an amazing woman and 100% agree with this post.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/25 02:34 PM
3

Just bite the bullet and do the apps. I liked Hinge the best. You’ve got to put yourself out there and force yourself out of your comfort zone. It helps if at the beginning you try to set up a date with zero expectations. Just a nice experience and something to have on the calendar. If it works out, great. If not, you have a story and experience.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/25 07:36 PM
7

Try to find divorced/separated guys. Only they can truly relate and understand. It made a big difference for me. Sorry to hear all this. You’re not alone.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/25 02:16 PM
3

Incisive and well put.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 11:59 PM
10

You’re right. But that’s asking too much. If there was mutual respect I don’t think we’d be divorced.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 02:13 AM
7

Yes. You have to exercise extreme restraint. It’s not even acceptable evidence; it’s double hearsay and you will show it to be meritless through your lawyer. You will have your turn in court. The only way you give actual evidence against yourself is if you lack self-control and react directly towards your stbx and her family. Stay the course through your lawyer. I know it’s hard but that’s the best path to vindication.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 12:19 AM
2

This. Was going to post similar experiences. I connected with the single moms the best and in a great, healthy relationship with one now who can relate to the challenges and understands the priorities.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/25 04:47 AM
2

Yes, it’s very common. In a way it’s cleansing. I could see who was a real friend and who wasn’t. I found my own group of quality friends and my social life is much richer for it. Took effort but worth it.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/25 11:08 AM
1

Really sorry to hear that. That’s so f’ed up on many levels. We avoided a trial by reaching a consensual resolution through private mediation.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/25 11:42 AM
1

Thanks. I appreciate that. It helps to hear and have a space to vent.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/25 01:45 AM
5

It was a negotiated resolution. That’s the presumption even with a DV incident, which was isolated. Also I am alone—no family near me—and worked a demanding job. I’ve stretched as much as I possible could. What other practical solution was there? Get a nanny to deprive my ex even if I had to work? Meanwhile fight a custody battle that would bankrupt me? None of these are good options or even ones the court would agree to.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/25 12:38 AM
4

QDRO bro. There are companies that do it.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/25 02:49 PM
3

If she does, it’s to your advantage. Make sure your lawyer finds a way to let the court now. She’ll look like a total POS in front of the judge.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/25 05:36 PM
4

Yeah, doesn’t take that long to serve. Service has nothing to do with court delays.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/25 10:05 PM
5

Generally speaking, whatever is made during the marriage is subject to equitable distribution. It doesn’t matter if the accounts are separate. The only assured asset that is generally immune is if it’s premarital and kept premarital (i.e., no commingling with marital funds). But you need to consult an IL lawyer and IL law to see how it shakes out in your state.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/25 04:00 AM
7

Being physically assaulted in front of my kids.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/25 11:39 AM
4

Well said. TikTok can amplify problems but it’s not the root cause. And if it is, then you’re dealing with some serious cognitive dysfunctions.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/25 04:10 PM
6

Had positive experience with Hinge.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/25 11:19 PM
5

It’s sadly very common. My ex verbally and physically assaulted me; she was arrested and criminally charged with aggravated assault. Constantly berated me in front of the kids. I filed for divorce. Yet in her countersuit I was “emotionally abusive.” A lot of it is also just lawyer bullshit because they need a narrative. If you’re in court you can defend yourself by showing there’s no merit to the accusations. Meanwhile defend yourself now by your conduct—keep your cool, a level head, and act rea…
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/25 01:40 PM
3

Congrats!!
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/25 12:04 PM
8

You’re not alone. You’re not a failure. These feelings are normal but you will get past them in time. For now, you should plan for what seems inevitable. Consult a lawyer discreetly and get a good therapist. This group is here for you.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/25 02:09 AM
4

This. It seems the better question is not whether religion makes marriages last longer but whether it leads to healthier marriages. I don’t know if there’s a way to reliably answer that question.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/25 02:21 PM
2

I hear you. It’s not easy. There is definitely nobody in my community that I’ve found, which made it really hard. I actually made a couple good friends through Reddit. Feel free to DM if I can help or be a sounding board.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/25 12:08 PM
4

Time will heal. But what helped me was finding the time to connect with others, especially divorced guys. Also therapy. These are important components of a support network that will help you get through this, which you will.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/25 10:50 AM
15

Yes. Common tactic. Courts see that bs for what it is. Common to impute earnings if one refuses to work despite clear ability to do so.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/25 04:07 PM
3

Yes. Definitely at least worth a consult. Otherwise you have no mechanism to ensure you get a fair result.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/25 07:19 PM
9

If you’re separated it’s totally fine and expected. Divorce proceedings can take years. As long as you’re mentally/emotionally ready there’s really no issue.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/25 12:11 AM
1

Being amicable and getting what you’re entitled to are not mutually exclusive concepts.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 02:12 AM
2

Why can’t you force a refinance? If the mortgage is in her name, it’ll be her issue to deal with the higher interest rate.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/25 11:55 PM
1

Whether it’s bad enough is really a question for you and your lawyer. If it’s impacting your kids, better to move sooner rather than later or else the court won’t take it seriously.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/25 03:21 PM
3

Motion to compel compliance assuming the breaches are clear and well documented with attorneys fees as a sanction.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/25 02:57 PM
3

Custody. Go pro se if you need to.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 07:05 PM
3

So you’re being held hostage by fear? Those will be lost years that you’ll never get back. I know from personal experience. Your choice, man. Seems like you’re trying to justify the easy way out.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 07:00 PM
7

Don’t do it. It may feel like relief now but you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 06:27 PM
6

I have never heard of this, ever. And if anyone ever did that, they would just prove to be manipulative and unhinged so it would only prove they’re not worth reconciling with.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 03:00 AM
15

Are you paying out of your own share of the marital estate or out of marital assets? It makes a difference. I funded my ex’s legal costs but it was charged against her portion of the estate, so it functioned like an advance of equitable distribution.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/25 03:57 AM
3

I’m sure people do but I sure as hell don’t.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/25 01:32 AM
4

Same! So glad I could married so I could get divorced.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/25 08:30 PM
-2

Some kernels of truth here but definitely overstated, especially the last two points. There are fair judges and civil servants who do care about your kids. And courts hate bullshit motions. There is a lot of reform needed for sure but guys who are reading this, be cautious but don’t despair.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/25 07:57 AM
3

Nice! This is the way. Enjoy!
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 05:58 PM
2

Yes. I was similarly isolated but I rebuilt and made my own network. You can too. It’s daunting and it takes effort but don’t lose hope. I made a post about it a while back with some tips that might be helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 01:54 AM
5

It takes time to heal. It’s ok not to be ready yet. It took me about 2 1/2 years after the separation to feel ready to date again.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/25 09:56 PM
6

Sorry man. Welcome to the club. “Emotional abuse,” “financial control.” It’s just the language they all use. I provided and put family ahead of my career and was physically and emotionally abused by my ex. Yet when I filed for divorce after she was arrested and criminally charged with aggravated assault, in her telling she was the victim of my “emotional abuse” and me prioritizing my career over family. It’s hard but try not to take it personally. It sadly reflects on her character, not yours.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/25 02:47 PM
2

These are questions for an attorney. Get a different consult. The questions are state dependent and depend on various factors, such as length of the marriage, etc, that are not mentioned here. But as a general matter, yes, you should anticipate paying alimony, child support, and dividing marital assets. ,
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/25 10:12 AM
2

I was in a similar spot. You can rebuild your network. This is your opportunity. Try to find divorced separated guys. The opportunities are out there. You just need to actively pursue them.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 02:07 PM
3

I’m sorry to hear all that. I understand. It wasn’t a criticism; just a question of what options your agreement allowed.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/25 05:17 PM
3

We also included a non-harassment provision. Did you do that? If so you have a hook as an enforcement mechanism.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/25 04:49 PM
6

I negotiated a provision in our settlement agreement that all communications needed to be through OFW absent an emergency.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/25 04:24 PM
4

I don’t think these generalizations are fair or helpful. We just have to be more cautious going forward about dating someone with shared values.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/25 04:47 PM
7

I understand. I’ve been there. It is always scariest at first because you don’t know what your liabilities are. There are ways to try to manage expenses and hope for a quick resolution. Mediation can be a good option. Meanwhile, know you’re not alone. I know it was helpful for me to hear that.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/25 03:08 AM
1

Are you pro se? This is a question for your lawyer. As a general matter in litigation you typically need to list and disclose the exhibits you intend to use for trial but it is typically a question of what procedure the court prefers.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 10:36 AM
3

If you have a lawyer you need to go through your lawyer to get discovery. Definitely point out the discrepancies to your lawyer and they should follow up as appropriate demanding that the deficiencies be corrected.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 01:20 AM
1

I was lucky to be at a place where my boss supported me so I took reduced hours and a more flexible schedule to manage a 50/50 custody split. It came with a pay cut but it was necessary to be able to be with the kids. Are you are able to negotiate a schedule without involving the court? That might give you some more flexibility with a non traditional schedule.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/25 10:56 PM
2

What jurisdiction? I suggest you set up a consult with an attorney to better assess your financial liabilities. Don’t forget counsel fees, too, which can drain you severely. There’s a lot on the line financially, not to mention upheaval for your kids and your life, so if you can repair your marriage, do it. I think most of us on this sub who filed wouldn’t have done so unless it was absolutely necessary because of abuse, infidelity, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/25 02:18 PM
3

They won’t just file for you. They are either in or out. Attorney of record or not. They can’t just do filings. Just giving you a head’s up. You can do the filings on your own. The clerk is very helpful to pro ses to figure out how to file. Substance is more important but if you can’t afford an attorney it is what it is.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 11:33 PM
24

Boundaries. You aren’t married any more. Great to get along but within consistent boundaries and you’ll be much better off.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/25 12:50 AM
2

Totally hear that. Whenever I had a tough moment during the divorce I was always like, “well, still way better than before.”
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/25 01:11 PM
4

Yes, very similar to my situation. One more to the list: when I voiced my disapproval of objectively bad conduct, such as berating me in front of the kids, she would make it seem like I was the problem, like “you are too sensitive.” I felt like I was in a bizarro world. Absurd. She never accepted responsibility for her own behavior. I filed for divorce after the abuse escalated. Now I’m finally divorced and have never been happier.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/25 12:56 PM
3

Reached out to friends/contacts to see if they knew of separated or divorced guys. No shame in asking and made a good friend that way.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/25 05:55 PM
1

Check your jurisdiction to see if you’re allowed to record if you’re part of the conversation. That will document any threats to you and protect yourself if she makes up allegations. Otherwise, don’t leave as that will alter the status quo and it’ll be much harder to see your son and claim the residence for your living space if that’s what you want to do.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/25 03:27 PM
8

Connect with divorced or separated guys. Only they can truly relate.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/25 01:55 AM
3

Sorry, but that sounds kinda standard. How is she buying you out? She presumably will need a mortgage loan that carries the same interest rate.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/25 01:54 AM
2

If it’s in their best interest it’s by definition not a selfish move.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/25 06:16 PM
3

Not following the issue here. You want 50/50 but don’t want to go to court for it? If that’s what’s in your and the kids’ best interest you should fight for it.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/25 05:26 PM
2

I’m so sorry. It’s not an easy process. We’ve all been there at some point.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 09:34 PM
2

It is destabilizing and an emotional roller coaster, very much like losing a loved one. That said, it varies. If you can have an amicable divorce, I think that can help a lot. But you should definitely expect emotional turbulence. There is also hope. I’m on the other side of it and have never been happier. So try not to lose sight of that.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 04:51 PM
3

Good luck man. Just know that it’s very much a grieving process. You’re right to and should feel sad—it shows that you care and mourn for the loss. But that process will also lead to acceptance and rebuilding, with many more happy opportunities down the road. Hopefully you can work with a good therapist who will help you through this.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 04:43 PM
4

Lawyer. It might feel like relief now but you will regret it longer term if you don’t get a fair deal with professional legal advice.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 05:48 PM
2

Well said. Thanks for the perspective. I’m a younger dude and I can attest to this. I filed for divorce when my kids were very young. It’s been 3 years. Now the kids are thriving because they are supported by two happier households (at least my home is a happy, safe space and though I can’t speak for my ex, the environment seems better than before). Obviously still challenges but they pale in comparison to those before. We can’t lose sight that inaction has costs too. Yeah, it’s scary, but do wh…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 02:24 PM
6

This is the way, 100%. It’s all about preserving appropriate boundaries. Good for you for holding the line.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 12:48 PM
6

I hear you. You have to learn to be immune from the blame. Don’t let it get to you. Listen to yourself and a trusted group of friends/family who will validate that you’re a good dad when you need that validation. It’s so true that you divorce the person you marry. If they were like this during the marriage, don’t expect it to change, even after the attorney phase is over. I’m relearning this same lesson over and over again with my ex.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 11:11 PM
3

Enforce a court order if he’s got one. If the ex doesn’t encourage them to go or disrupts his time, that’s violating a court order. If you don’t force the issue the alienating parent wins.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 03:39 PM
3

It’s a good book on parental alienation.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 03:37 PM
14

Force it. Alienation needs to be countered with your presence. If you are absent the narrative that you are an absentee father who doesn’t care will take hold. Please check out divorce poison if you haven’t.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 03:00 PM
5

It is good just to go out. It’s enjoyable even if nothing comes of it. If you approach it with that attitude, it’s only upside. I wasn’t too excited about my first date, but it was close to my birthday so I was like f**k it and told the waiter to bring me a cake for dessert and sing me happy birthday. The food was good and I had a fun time with a fun story even though the date itself was meh.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/25 07:12 PM
2

That’s pretty scary since it’s such a departure from the law. I hope they appeal that if that’s the case since it seems clearly wrong and easily reversible.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/25 12:05 AM
5

That’s so stupid. In that cases every case with an ex with low earning capacity would be exceptional no matter the duration of the marriage. You said you heard instances of this argument winning. Do you know of any such actual instances?
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 11:29 PM
3

I’m in NJ. That’s not the law. That’s crazy if that’s happening.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 10:58 PM
4

This. Same.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/25 10:05 AM
3

Well if it’s been decided custody generally remains modifiable based on changed circumstances. It probably should be something pretty egregious. Definitely document for the time being but not sure it would rise to that level but that’s a question for your lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/25 03:56 AM
3

You said you got 50/50. Do you mean on a temporary basis until trial? This is a question for your lawyer, but if you can prove it seems like an important data point to show it’s in the kids’ best interest to spend less time with your ex and more time with you.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/25 03:29 AM
3

The only voice you should listen to is your own. Are you doing your best under the circumstances and acting in the kids’ best interest? If the answer is yes, judge yourself by that answer. Don’t judge yourself by what your ex says. She doesn’t define who you are as a person or as a parent.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 08:42 PM
2

Thanks man. You’re right. I feel the same and try not to lose sight of this.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/25 11:14 AM
1

Thanks. I agree with all that but even with top level opsec I’m still getting the same reaction. It was a bit easier earlier when there was more to explore and things were newer, but we’ve maxed out on the local kid attractions by now (3 years separated).
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 08:26 PM
2

Thanks. Yeah. I’ve been documenting and thankfully we’ve resolved the divorce and custody (50/50), so it’s more a practical nuisance than a legal one. We’ll see what she does when she runs out of alimony in three years and when she has to experience the delicate balancing act of managing work and childcare as working parents have to do.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/25 07:59 PM
2

I think you’re doing the right thing. This is about your son and what’s best for him, not about your relationship with your ex. It’s important to be able to differentiate between the two.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/25 03:17 PM
8

I let my kids (both under 10) choose gifts and cards that I bought for them, then encouraged them to wrap it and write a nice card. I’ve been doing that for a couple of years now. I would never get anything myself but this is about doing right by the kids and teaching them to be thoughtful, considerate, and support their relationship with their mom.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/25 12:32 AM
1

Right. The options for a divorce case are trial before a court and alternative ways to resolve the case outside of court, such as before an arbitrator or mediator. There is no such thing as an “informal trial.”
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/25 01:02 AM
1

What jurisdiction? There is no such thing as an informal trial in the US. Do you mean arbitration? Mediation?
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/25 12:08 AM
3

Yes. It’s totally normal. Best way to deal with it is just to go through it. Exposure therapy will make the anxiety lessen over time as you’re able to put things in perspective. I used to have mini panic attacks when I got a letter from my ex’s lawyer. Now I just deal with it as I know they’re full of shit. Still frustrating and aggravating but much easier to handle.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/25 07:39 PM
2

I’m sorry you had to deal with that—that must have been so hard—but way to deal with it. In my experience courts are wising up to the shenanigans (on both sides) and are trying to be more equitable. If you are being reasonable and other side is being unreasonable, reasonable should prevail. That was the case in my divorce proceeding as well (mostly before a mediator). And also in my general experience litigating commercial cases.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/25 06:50 PM
7

Congrats, and way to stand your ground! Unfortunately if you’re dealing with someone unreasonable you need a court or mediator to step in and call it like it is.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/25 06:39 PM
6

I didn’t pay for her fees. The marital estate did. Her fees came out of her share of equitable distribution. I made advances but made sure to document it appropriately.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/25 06:27 PM
5

I empathize. I was in a similar situation. There are two alternatives: continue living in hell or try to escape. When put in those terms, the answer is clear. There are ways to protect yourself, including recording if you are in a jurisdiction that allows it is you’re part of the conversation. There are also risks to staying—perhaps more, if you think she’ll file false DV charges. I think you’ll get a lot of comfort once you speak with a lawyer and also get yourself a good therapist. Courts are …
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/25 01:29 PM
6

She can’t deliberately refuse to be underemployed without financial consequences. Alimony should be determined based on her income potential which should be easy enough to prove.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/25 02:19 AM
2

Waited to find someone where our weekends aligned.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/25 01:35 PM
10

I’m sorry to say it but if you wanted 50/50 you should have never agreed to 1/3 custody on a pendente lite basis because the longer things drag out the more likely your ex could argue that’s the status quo. It’s also a mistake, I think, to be entirely passive when it comes to alienation. There are proactive measures that can be taken that don’t involve bashing our ex. Check out Divorce Poison if you haven’t.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 10:34 PM
1

If you owe alimony the longer you wait to file the more you may have to pay. You need to consult a lawyer to figure that out.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 06:25 PM
3

I had a hard time at first with events but it got better as the kids get older. I would not suggest suspending them as you want to maintain a precedent where both show up. If it’s hard logistically, perhaps you could switch a day here and there to make things smoother but I do think it’s worth toughing it out or else the kid may learn that disruptive behavior could be successful with longer term damage to your ability to participate in these kinds of events.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/25 08:21 PM
1

I’m in NJ and we got a parenting coordinator appointed to handle parenting conflicts, which would include these kinds of issues. I agree with you that it’s totally insane and you should of course go with the more professional recommendation. If you don’t have a PC you may have no choice but to go back to court to resolve this, and soon if it’s affecting medical issues.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/25 08:22 PM
2

If it’s egregious you may be entitled to fees if you have to move. Consult your attorney on that. Meanwhile keep documenting your requests and her refusal to build a strong record of her misconduct.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 05:37 PM
1

Also for perspective, I had a 8 1/2 year marriage with a SAHM and we settled on roughly 6 years of alimony, which everyone thought was fair, including ESP panel and mediator.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 04:23 PM
1

They truly are. That’s a ridiculous argument. Everyone knows the marital status can’t be preserved because there are now two households. By that logic the exception would swallow the rule and every case would be a permanent alimony case. My ex’s lawyer also made ridiculous arguments until the mediator shut them down. Sometimes that’s what’s needed, unfortunately.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 04:18 PM
1

I’m in NJ. Read the statute I sent you. Alimony is of limited duration unless the marriage is more than 20 years. If lawyers are saying otherwise they’re full of shit and trying to bully a settlement with misstatements of the law.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 02:51 PM
1

https://law.justia.com/codes/new-jersey/title-2a/section-2a-34-23/ It is a matter of statute. No permanent alimony unless the marriage is over 20 years absent exceptional circumstances. Read it yourself. The judge can’t override the statute.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 02:46 PM
6

Not sure about the math but 10 year marriage in NJ should be limited duration alimony, not permanent. Your lawyer should confirm.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 01:56 AM
2

It’s good to get along but just be careful of being taking advantage of. I tried to be more accommodating at first but every accommodation was taken advantage of. So by necessity I approached things in a purely transactional way. She gets what she’s entitled to but nothing more. It’s worked out a lot better this way.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/25 01:58 AM
2

I have personal experience to the contrary. I was alienated from my dad when I was a kid so I know that lost time is real.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/25 12:59 PM
3

If your ex is lying about you, provide the counter narrative in a way that’s truthful but not disparaging of your ex. Otherwise, you are effectively lying to your kids by facilitating a lie. And you will then lose irreplaceable time poisoned by a lie.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/25 01:34 AM
1

Yeah, his services. It’s called a solicitation.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/25 08:26 PM
4

Pretty sleazy to try poaching clients here.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/25 05:08 PM
2

Yeah, lawyer question but if you owe alimony perhaps this could be a form of support. So technically no need to get removed so long as you get credit for it. Just one among other possible options to consider.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/25 03:14 AM
3

Why not do a middle ground with a free consult so you have better information of financial risks of action and inaction? The longer you wait the more you may have to pay in alimony if alimony is in issue.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/25 03:08 AM
3

Then don’t leave them. Stay or if you absolutely need to leave ensure you have an enforceable parenting plan.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/25 02:55 AM
1

Rediscover yourself and let her go. You cannot be ambivalent about wanting to separate from her while also wanting to “give her a hug.” Be resolute, take the actions you need to take, depend on and trust in yourself, and your confidence will return.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/25 08:26 PM
2

It takes effort but it’s worth it. That will shift the burden onto others and will make your relationship with your girlfriend healthier and more productive. There are many brothers in arms who can commiserate and help you carry your burdens. It just takes some time and effort to find them, but you will if you’re persistent.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/25 05:54 PM
4

I feel for you. My kids were the exact same age upon separation and the holidays were the worst for me (still are) because I have to celebrate with the kids on my own on the days I have them (50/50 split). Know that it’s ok to feel down. These feelings will never go away, especially during the holidays. What helped me get through it is seeing the kids happy when they’re with me. Those are unique memories that only you have and formed with them. No toxicity from your ex to poison it. It also help…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/25 05:04 PM
1

Welcome to the club. It’s also a way to feed their egos to feel like they have a sense of control.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/25 11:37 PM
2

I hear you and I sympathize. Dealing with similar BS from my ex.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/25 03:26 PM
3

I’d ask a WA lawyer but don’t assume she can just walk away from a signed agreement submitted to the court just because she changes her mind. That’s not how contracts work.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/25 03:17 PM
7

If she signed an agreement and submitted it to the court, isn’t that binding? Wouldn’t it be a simple matter of enforcing the agreement, with sanctions for her failure to comply? Obviously lawyer questions, but I hope the answer is straightforward.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/25 01:29 PM
2

Abusive, plain and simple. Emotionally/psychologically until it escalated to physical abuse (there was an earlier time when she was pregnant that wasn’t as severe but I let it slide). When she physically assaulted me in front of the kids, that was a red line that was crossed and no turning back at that point.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/25 04:08 PM
4

It’s awful. They profit by tearing families apart and taking advantage of people who are at their most vulnerable and emotional. Unfortunately, there is very little regulation to stop it or the price gouging.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/25 02:26 AM
4

You aren’t alone and you aren’t broken, despite what you may feel. This sub is here to listen and help.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 07:54 PM
1

Is counseling an option? If she is genuinely trying to listen to you that sounds like a positive you shouldn’t cavalierly throw away. I’ve found that many on this sub would try to save the marriage if they could. So if she’s serious about trying to repair things sounds like that’s an option worth exploring. Then if your issues persist you know you’ve tried.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 10:21 AM
5

You are within your rights to insist she comply with a court order. If you don’t act you are complicit as you’ll be signaling that you don’t respect the order either and don’t need it for your protection.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 10:16 AM
7

I’m in a similar boat but our divorce was not amicable. That makes a big difference. I’m a lawyer too but don’t specialize in family law so had to hire my own lawyer. We each spent over $100K in legal fees and it dragged on for more than two years. Hopefully you can avoid all that with an early negotiated settlement agreement and consensual divorce. (Though can’t speak to the process in CA.) Logistically, the main thing for me was figuring out a parenting schedule that worked with my hours. I ha…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 10:12 AM
4

Can’t speak for MI law but as a general matter alimony is determined by earning capacity. So one can’t simply decide to not work strategically. Income would then be imputed at what they could earn.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/25 11:22 PM
4

Sorry man. We’re here to listen to you. It’s always hardest at first. As you observed she’s ahead of you in the grieving process but you’ll get there especially with help.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/25 07:01 PM
8

Way to go. You’ve got to stand your ground against a bully when the truth is on your side.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/25 04:49 PM
1

It looks like the consensus is ignore but document in case things get out of line. I guess that’s the right approach. Just upsetting how immature and vindictive my ex is. It’s been 3 years now since the separation and she still can’t get over her hostility. I guess that’s just the type of person she is.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/25 12:25 PM
7

For alimony it’s typically expected. She can choose not to, but then her earning potential is imputed to her, which then reduces your alimony obligations. You have to consult an attorney in your jurisdiction through.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/25 10:37 PM
2

This is some really great and thoughtful advice. Thank you!
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/25 08:12 PM
2

You’re welcome. Check out the book divorce poison. I found it helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/25 08:10 PM
2

Thank you. I appreciate the suggestion.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/25 03:29 PM
1

I hear the point about not reacting, but I have no interest in leading or attracting her. I am only looking to get along for the sake of the kids and for both sides to treat each other with mutual respect.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/25 03:28 PM
2

Thanks for the perspective.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/25 10:29 AM
1

How? What information would you need? I only know his first name and other minimal details.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/25 02:15 AM
6

Counter narrative. Tell them the truth. That’s not bashing your ex, it’s protecting yourself and protecting your kids from lies. The “high road” without any meaningful checks is a road to perdition.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/25 01:46 AM
1

Need some more context. What type of hearing? Jurisdiction?
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/25 03:22 AM
1

Yes. Went through it for 2 1/2 years and just finalized it recently. Let me know if I can help.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/25 02:25 PM
2

3 and 6 at the time of separation. Now it’s nearly 3 years later.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/25 01:50 AM
2

There are companies that specialize in this. I have a company figuring this out for my IRA. It’s called a QDRO. I’m in NJ but assume not that different in PA.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/25 01:35 AM
3

The transitions were touchy at first but the kids are resilient and they get over it. Even when it was touchy they settled in quickly. It helps to have less transitions in the parenting schedule. Things are pretty smooth now. There are still challenges but way better overall for them with two separate households than one toxic one.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/25 01:33 AM
5

Yes, well said, but not to the point that you compromise or lose sight of what’s best for you as well. The same rationale applies to yourself and how you should expect to be treated.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/25 06:57 PM
7

Just unplug. It’s not worth the aggravation. I assume my ex is doing the same even though she was abusive and pleaded guilty to assaulting me. Don’t care. I have my people and I know the truth.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 06:08 PM
2

A lot comes down to cost. Larger firms are structured to bill more as they need more attorneys staffed on the case and they are pressured to meet billable hour requirements. A smaller shop doesn’t have as much pressure and so you’re able to control the costs better. I went with a small shop and my ex went with a larger one. We ended up kicking their ass for half the price.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/25 12:43 AM
2

I wouldn’t hire anyone who isn’t a specialist in the field. Contract lawyers may have drafting skills but they don’t know the issues. It’s issue-spotting that’s most important. If you hire an attorney, you call the shots. If you tell them you want a consensual resolution, they need to follow your direction. You also have a chance to interview them first and see if your values and vision align.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/25 12:51 PM
3

2.5 years from my filing to judgment.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/25 12:49 PM
8

Do you do the best you can and act out of purpose and love? If the answer is yes, you’re a great dad. The details can never measure up to some nonexistent ideal. We do the best we can. The kids remember and feel the love and attention. That’s what matters. The rest falls into place. -From someone in the same boat as you are (same age and custody situation).
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/25 03:53 AM
1

Some discovery is typically appropriate to have an accurate view of finances. By mutual agreement you can keep it limited (eg, relevant bank account, retirement, mortgage statements). It is more productive before mediation because then there is an objective baseline to evaluate any property disputes.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/25 07:34 PM
3

It depends on the jurisdiction and criminal statute involved. In my case it was not up to me. The State made the decision to charge.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/25 06:36 PM
3

Yes. I was in the exact situation where my ex assaulted me, was arrested, and criminally charged. I was awarded temporary custody of the kids until the situation stabilized. Her assault was the culmination of years of abuse so the decision was easy for me: permanent separation and divorce. You need to figure out what’s right and stick to it and don’t fear the consequences. It is ultimately the right decision for you and your kids. They should not live in an abusive/toxic household, and neither s…
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/25 06:35 PM
2

These are by definition generalizations. It is not true across all cases.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 07:29 PM
3

That’s fair but with a dose of modesty. Sometimes lawyers are honest and know what they’re talking about.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 07:18 PM
1

No. For keeping their home? I kept their home for the kids and my ex got her own place. If she tried guilting me I wouldn’t care. Stick with what’s right. I preserved the home and my assets for my kids. Guilt is just a manipulation tactic.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/25 06:08 PM
1

Yes. Equitable distribution state. Two children. I kept the house and am in process of buying her out. I negotiated for the majority of the equity because of my substantial contribution of premarital assets.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/25 05:21 PM
10

Similar story here. Always her way, on her time. I worked full time and always helped but it was never enough. I would never disrespect someone the way she disrespected me but she felt entitled to act that way. Really messed up.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/25 10:34 AM
2

Yes. Malls too. Jokes about how men have to suffer their wives. Many glorious places if you need a pick me up.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/25 02:40 AM
4

Don’t worry about what’s in a complaint. They always ask for the moon knowing they won’t get it. Listen to what your lawyers tell you, not what her lawyers ask for.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/25 12:45 AM
7

Same! Never been happier to not be married.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/25 12:32 AM
2

Just know that it takes time. It is a grieving process. Once you accept that you’ll never have a romantic relationship with her and the interactions are now just transactional it becomes a lot easier. Hopefully you can still get along in a respectful way. That way you’ve lost a wife but gained someone who you can trust to coparent your kids together.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 07:18 PM
1

You have to find someone in your state and locality. You should review their bio and ensure the firm focuses or has a practice specific to family law. If you don’t know anyone or have contacts who can help, you’ll need to rely on an internet search at least to begin with but can focus your research based on that filtering criteria and schedule a consult to see if you’re comfortable with the lawyer after meeting them in person.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/25 10:45 PM
1

Very certain. It was bad for a while but she crossed a red line when she physically assaulted me, so no turning back at that point.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/25 05:11 PM
1

Thank you, I’m glad to hear that. I happened to respond to posts that were specific to this geographic area and noted that I was from NJ. I welcomed DMs so that prompted a couple folks to DM me and we formed a good connection so exchanged numbers and translated it into real-life friendships. So there isn’t a specific sub, but if you post something saying you’re looking for advice or experiences specific to your jurisdiction, or respond to similar posts that are specific to our area, I bet you’ll…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/25 04:26 PM
1

We had an anti-disparagement clause for the parties in our agreement pendente lite. You can ask your ex to do her part but can’t bind the grandparents otherwise because they aren’t parties. You can also ask for a right of first refusal if you’re concerned she’ll leave the kids with the grandparents instead of giving you time.
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/25 08:54 PM
5

It’s not weird. I filed against my abusive ex but I still kept the wedding albums because they were formative memories with family that to me aren’t tainted by who she later became. Also want to save them for the kids if they want to see one day.
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/25 08:50 PM
3

I did not. But I didn’t know what to expect or how contentious it would be. Also I’m in an expensive market (NJ) so it would have been depressing but not crazy to hear given market rates. I was to a certain extent. I’m a lawyer myself so I know the amount of work that goes in and my lawyer billed what was honest and necessary. No churning or anything like that. I managed things as best I could by keeping conversations and work to an absolute minimum. I also did a lot of the initial drafts myself…
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/25 08:36 PM
8

Using her attorney as a therapist - exactly right. She apparently called her multiple times a day to vent or whatever. It was so irresponsible because she racked up a huge bill for herself. She needed that sense of control. It was empowering for her to feel like she could control someone or threaten me with her lawyer. In the end it was just an illusion because her attorney played to her emotions and told her what she wanted to hear rather than what she needed to hear and was happy to take her m…
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/25 10:15 AM
2

Yes. It’s a systemic problem. Try to make reasonable compromises to resolve things consensually and failing that, enter mediation with a trusted mediator to secure a holistic resolution as soon as possible. I tried to keep legal fees to the absolute minimum by doing the heavy lifting myself and keeping conversations to an absolute minimum but even so with her lawyer dragging things out and raising asinine issues was out over $100K.
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/25 10:09 AM
8

Check the laws in your jurisdiction and see if you can record if you’re part of the conversation in order to protect yourself. If she keeps calling the police for trivial reasons she is doing herself in by destroying her credibility. You should be able to get recordings of her calls too through open records requests to prove her instability and misconduct.
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/25 01:38 AM
2

Thanks. I’m glad it was helpful. I definitely fell into that trap during marriage. I kept giving up more and more of myself to appease my ex until I almost lost all sense of self. In the end it didn’t matter because more concessions just let to more demands. It was never enough. I won’t be repeating that mistake.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 07:31 PM
1

Thank you. Great idea. I will do that.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 02:27 AM
3

Congratulations! It sounds like you’re in a really good place. Very happy for you!
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 02:18 AM
3

It’s not mandatory. You can reach whatever agreements and exchanges you want so long as it’s consensual. If it’s contested then yeah, you’ll have to produce relevant information. Mine was a hybrid where we started contested and produced certain discovery but then decided to forego other discovery by agreement.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 12:44 AM
6

A lot of wisdom here. I was frustrated at first that I didn’t have a support network and wanted it to come to me. It didn’t. So I went out there and created one on my own. I found really good people and worked on strengthening past connections. It took time and effort. But it was worth it. Now my life has never been richer.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/25 03:17 AM
1

Only you know your ex and whether that’s possible. Whoever files first doesn’t matter from a legal perspective. Seems like you should consult a lawyer discretely regardless. If you go the amicable right you’ll need to know what is a fair resolution.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 05:36 PM
7

Yes. I worked a stressful job with long hours while my ex was a SAHM. I still helped no matter how tired I was. But it was never enough, and it wasn’t a fair comparison. She didn’t appreciate that my job WAS my help because it provided for the family and afforded her the opportunity to be a SAHM. She was abusive and unappreciative of my contributions. Now we are divorced (I initiated) and she is forced to appreciate what I contributed now that she’ll have to work to make her way.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 11:39 PM
2

US here. Consult lawyer and if it’s clear violation (document it clearly) move for civil contempt of violation of court order which typically allows you to get attorneys’ fees. You can seek some type of minor remedy (eg, extra day with the kids or something) but the kicker is really the attorneys’ fees which should stop her from doing it again and showing you mean business.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 06:48 PM
2

Sounds like she knows but OP is timing the filing until she goes back to work so there isn’t an evidentiary issue about her working and earning capacity. It is a smart move from a legal perspective.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/25 04:13 PM
1

Why do you have to necessarily sell the house? If the issue is one of equitable distribution, you could negotiate a settlement where the payout is structured in a creative way as long as it works for everyone - for example, a payout over time similar to a mortgage. Your attorney should know what options are available.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/25 04:12 PM
1

It was not easy. It took me a lot of work and rebuilding my network and myself. But once I got there I’ve never been happier. If you’re able I’d try to work on improving your situation in parallel with finalizing the divorce so that once it’s over you’ll be in a better place.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/25 12:46 AM
2

They are but fortunately I feel they don’t frequent this sub. And if they did, I don’t think they’d find a warm reception.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/25 12:43 AM
6

From what I’ve seen many follow the categorical imperative to not cheat and not facilitate cheating. That’s why I’ve felt a particular sense of comradery in this sub, as I feel many share that moral code. Not everyone, of course, but enough to foster a sense of real community and understanding. I think your comment is misplaced. Or maybe I’m just not following it.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/25 12:05 AM
1

Yes! But for context, it was also after a 2 1/2 year separation so I healed and was ready to move on.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/25 08:25 PM
4

She didn’t want them so I saved them. I’m saving them for my kids and also I’m able to compartmentalize the happy memories from the later unhappy ones. So they don’t bother me.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 11:12 PM
2

It was a negotiated resolution with .25% a rough guideline. But I had a relatively short-term marriage and was able to capitalize on my ex’s over -aggressive lawyering that dragged out the process to effectively shave off 2 1/2 years of alimony while the litigation was pending so only have about 3 more years at this point.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 07:11 PM
5

I’m in NJ and just got divorced. It’s manageable with the right legal advice. Alimony and equitable distribution are completely different. You need to structure it in a way that you’re not overpaying. Also alimony should not be longer than the duration of your marriage and in fact should generally be a good amount shorter than it. You need to speak to a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 01:57 PM
2

Don’t move. Check your local laws re permissible recordings and record when needed to protect yourself while you remain at home. Also consult with lawyer asap. If it’s your home before marriage it would presumably be your premarital property with her having no claim to it. Again, lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/25 05:41 PM
5

My time with the kids is way better on my own than it ever was with my ex, as she would always watch, judge, and criticize everything I did. So a 50/50 split with me being happy and fully present with them and her out of the picture is way better than being able to see them 100 percent of the time when I’m dead inside.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 11:47 PM
1

Also lean on this community in the meanwhile. I found a lot of comfort here and we’re here for you.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 04:09 PM
2

Push yourself. I didn’t have a network but I made the effort to create one. Reconnect with old friends. Try in particular to find a guy who’s divorced or going through it. Ask your contacts if they know someone. I did and made a couple great brothers in arms. I found that nobody can really relate unless they’re going through it and people will be more receptive than you think.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 04:08 PM
6

If she wants a divorce I think you need a clean break and maintain those boundaries. Great to get along and be respectful but no more husband stuff. You can never heal and move past it otherwise.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 11:13 AM
1

Yes. I’m on the other side now with my divorce finalized just last week. Never been happier.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/25 02:08 PM
1

Yeah. I have a manipulative ex. I want to get along but she tries to take advantage so I need to stand my ground. The basic message if she oversteps is hey, nothing personal want to get along but maintaining appropriate boundaries.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/25 03:12 PM
9

Who cares? Just block.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/25 02:02 AM
1

This.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/25 09:12 PM
2

Well said.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/25 03:27 AM
4

You are not alone. You have many brothers in arms who are with you. And there are very few happy married couples out there so don’t buy the facade. I’d rather be at peace and alone than miserable in my ex’s company.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/25 03:26 AM
8

It’s not being an ass. It’s setting and maintaining boundaries. You are getting divorced. There are no more romantic gestures. Done. Accept that reality and it’s easy.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 12:43 AM
4

So sorry for you. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You were trusting and loving. That’s not weakness. It’s a sign of your humanity and fidelity. Those are positive virtues. Once you knew the truth you acted appropriately.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/25 06:03 PM
2

Yes.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/25 05:49 PM
3

I hear you and I used to think like that, but it’s a common misconception. It’s way better for them to live in two happy (or at least happier) households than one unhappy one.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 12:08 AM
5

Sounds toxic. So what’s stopping you? Talk to a lawyer. You can gain your freedom and rebuild your life. Best decision I ever made.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 11:29 PM
2

How about requited in love?
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/25 11:03 PM
2

Two responses: first, that shouldn’t stop you from sending the request. Second, you can call bullshit on that. If they can easily get it upon request, it’s their obligation to produce it. My ex said she didn’t have bank records and my response was bullshit, go to the bank and get them. Lo and behold, she got them. I litigate this stuff on a daily basis. Just because they issue a bullshit response doesn’t mean you have to accept it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/25 01:44 PM
1

Why can’t you issue discovery requests to STBX and require her to produce? These documents should be in her possession, custody, or control and it would cost a lot less to force her to produce (with potential fee shifting for a successful discovery motion) than chasing an out of state employer. Speaking from the perspective of a NJ case too.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/25 04:21 AM
7

It will work out but it takes time. First step is to let her go. Seems like you’re romanticizing who you wanted her to be rather than who she actually was. She cheated. She is not a good person. Accept that and you’ll be able to move on.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 07:33 PM
2

That’s unacceptable. Stand your ground. Make sure her unreasonable demands are documented and then consult a lawyer to move for an enforceable parenting order (I’m assuming you don’t have one based on your post) that fixes the vacation and holiday schedules.
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/25 05:04 PM
3

Stressed about everything, especially with two young kids in the house all day, every day. I was the outlet for her stress. And there was no safety valve because she was crazy about Covid so never wanted to leave the house.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/25 02:30 AM
7

Yes. My STBX was abusive before Covid but the pandemic turbocharged it.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 07:46 PM
13

I’ve found so much contentment building meaningful relationships other than romantic ones. I like the freedom knowing I don’t depend on it. So if it happens, great. If not, I’d be totally fine. In a strange way it’s actually helpful with dating because now it’s fun to date because I have nothing to lose; it’s only upside.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 03:04 AM
4

Same here. It has really helped me get through 2024. Happy New Year to everyone! Wishing everyone strength, resilience, and some peace in 2025.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 06:13 AM
3

Mediation with lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/24 09:29 PM
5

Lawyer question but as a general matter you can’t hide or fraudulently convey assets. If she did that push hard because there could be serious consequences for her.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 08:13 PM
6

I think we all care but it takes two to tango.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 02:04 PM
9

No f’g way am I telling her my dating intentions or plans. None of her business.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/24 09:28 PM
3

Much of it comes down to the kids and your goals. If you move it it’s much harder to see them absent an enforceable court order and ensure that you have the type of continuity and responsibility if there were a custody dispute. Also moving out could be disadvantageous custody wise since the home is presumptively appropriate for the kids while you’d have to establish that an alternative residence is proper. Obviously if your goal is to stay in the residence post-divorce then if you give it up you…
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/24 10:24 PM
5

Yeah, I hear you. Similar. I’ve managed in large part by forming meaningful connections with friends and family. That way I’m not overly reliant on any romantic connection. If it happens, great; if not, my life seems full enough with my kids and other things that bring me joy and meaning.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/24 09:32 PM
4

Sorry that you’re new to this community but welcome. You should get a lawyer regardless, who will be able to advise you on the proper steps. Mediation is a great option but you should have a lawyer with you at mediation regardless to properly advise you on the fairness of any proposed agreement and then help draft the implementing documents. In my experience the divorce litigation is filed first, which then triggers various options including mediation. But NY may be different. A NY lawyer will b…
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/24 09:03 PM
9

Gather the facts first, then decide. You may want a medical evaluation too to document what happened. Before getting CPS involved, depending on how bad the situation is, you may want to ask first (in writing) whether she will commit never to bring the kids over to his place. When she says no, you would then have a stronger record and basis for any possible involvement. But you do not want to involve CPS precipitously. Best to consult your lawyer to evaluate your options.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/24 07:19 PM
4

I’ve forced myself to get out there and form new connections. A romantic one is just a part of it but more important is making new friends, building or rebuilding old friendships, and strengthening ties with family. It takes effort and time but it’s made a huge difference in the long run.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/24 02:37 AM
2

It’s not irrational. You just have to weigh the pros and cons and when the pros clearly outweigh the negatives it’s the right decision as hard as it may be. A consult with a lawyer can you help you better perform the equation.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/24 02:34 AM
2

Try not to think of it that way for your kids. Your time with them and their time will be immeasurably better in two happier households than in one dysfunctional one. And life getting divorced is not easy but way more interesting and better than being consigned to a miserable existence with a miserable STBX.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/24 06:03 PM
20

You have to accept the reality that she is a hateful person. Appeasement never works with such people. It only encourages more bad behavior.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/24 05:58 PM
4

Yes. There is happiness on the other side. It is not an easy journey but you just have to go through it. When you fight for your kids you will see that you have the strength and resilience you might never have thought you had.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/24 03:04 PM
6

Over $100K and still going.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/24 05:05 AM
2

If the defamation was in a court filing, it would likely be subject to the litigation privilege. So it is a steep hill to climb even if there were assets to pursue.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/24 05:24 AM
9

If you have an order in place, can’t you move for contempt? Some BS claim to an investigation is not a basis to violate your rights. Also can’t your attorney speak to the lead investigator or prosecutor to figure out the status? You can’t take their word for sh*t.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/24 03:32 AM
5

You need to consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction. But generally speaking the money she made during the marriage is a marital asset subject to equitable distortion (i.e., you get your fair share, typically 50%) regardless of how she characterizes it. Sounds like her descriptions are total BS and have no legal significance whatsoever.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 02:18 PM
4

By filing.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 01:39 PM
3

Thanks. You’re right. And looking back it was a horrible vicious cycle. I was depressed because of my ex’s conduct, then she would vilify me because I was depressed. So the abuse and toxicity kept escalating.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/24 04:20 PM
9

This list is spot on. My ex exhibited most of these traits. Thank god I got out and filed for divorce when I did.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/24 02:00 PM
1

About six months after I filed.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/24 05:12 AM
2

Thanks. Yes, I did get a protective order that barred her from returning to the residence.
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/24 07:14 PM
2

Sorry to hear all this. I can relate. My wife was abusive and arrested and charged for a DV. The relevance depends on the jurisdiction but generally speaking it has no impact on the finances. Kids is a different story but you don’t have any in the picture from what I’m reading.
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/24 06:19 PM
14

Not being married to my abusive ex.
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/24 01:58 PM
6

Safest play for court is suit. You want to appear professional, responsible, and respectful of the court and its process. But yeah, doesn’t need to be a fancy suit.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/24 03:28 AM
3

If it’s a negotiation then yeah, you can counter. It actually sounds like you’re in a good spot. If you’re basically at 50/50 where you want, you can use that as the baseline but suggest adjustments based on what makes the most sense for the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/24 02:18 AM
3

To answer your question directly, yes, your thought process is f*cked up. She’s manipulating you and you’re enabling her.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/24 02:15 AM
4

It’s a personal choice. If you feel you’re ready it’s not too soon.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/24 02:05 AM
1

Two girls here. I think the fact that you’re asking shows you’re a great dad. I am constantly consumed by self-reflection asking if I’m doing enough and how I could do things better. I think the reality is if we want the best for our kids we will always be asking ourselves these questions and with girls there’s probably more to ask. I’m talking to myself now more than anyone because I commiserate and it’s sometimes hard to let go of these feelings or put them in perspective.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/24 03:11 PM
1

Once a day when they are in my sole custody, but for a set time and capped by court order. My ex would do the same shit grilling them about their day but I let it go as there’s nothing I can do about it and she’d do it anyways when they are with her. I would say once a day is normal but it can be limited to a quick check in before bed that is manageable, at least in my experience.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/24 11:52 PM
5

If it’s her stuff, I would tell her. If she doesn’t want it, then do as you wish. This way you’re acting above board and can’t be accused of destroying her possessions.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/24 11:04 PM
1

By getting the documents and, if that’s a legitimate concern, getting an affidavit from a custodian of records affirming they are true and correct copies of the organization’s business records. What’s the alternative? Wait until the last minute to do the same thing?
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 10:14 PM
1

Get the documents. You are entitled to them. Whether they are admissible is a separate question that you can always figure out later. But they should be admissible as business records regardless and you could always get an affirmation from the relevant entity if you need it. Sounds like your attorney doesn’t really get how evidence works or the relative informality of a hearing/motion versus a trial.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 08:00 PM
3

See if you can consult an attorney about your custody rights and what efforts could be made to increase the likelihood that your child will remain near you in the event of a divorce. You may want to time any filing that way to ensure your child has communal roots (eg, schooling) that a court would not want to disturb. I sympathize and understand the alienation concerns. My ex explicitly threatened me with alienation in the event of a separation. These are abusive hostage tactics. Yes it is scary…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 12:07 AM
9

Yes. Same. Couldn’t handle stress and I was the outlet. The abuse got turbocharged during Covid.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/24 11:05 PM
10

Who cares what she thinks or what’s going on in her head? Just stick to the schedule in place and don’t make unnecessary accommodations. Accommodations are unappreciated and taken advantage of and just tend to erode boundaries.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 09:48 PM
3

It’s the unknown unknown. Hard to spot legal issues if you’re unaware of them. And yes, evidence is evidence. But there are particular procedures and techniques for introducing documents and eliciting testimony. You don’t want to have evidence inadvertently excluded because you lack facility with the rules. That said, it’s a calculated risk and you are in the best position to assess it. If you think the issues are straightforward enough and kids aren’t involved, then it might be with doing witho…
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 01:33 AM
1

Two main reasons: 1. There is an institutional bias against pro ses. 2. You lack technical expertise with the law and rules of evidence, which is necessary for trial and so you’ll be at huge strategic disadvantage. Seems unfair for her to have expensive lawyers while you don’t. Can you consult your attorneys to see if there’s a way to fund your defense and ensure parity?
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 12:47 AM
1

Not in a matrimonial action. I have seen sanctions imposed in other contexts. A clear and repeat violation should trigger sanctions if you ask for them. That you haven’t been successful to date doesn’t mean you shouldn’t continue to pursue the right strategy. Maybe the record hasn’t been fully developed yet, at least not with repeat violations.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/24 05:52 PM
3

Seems like document and file motion is the way to go. But there be consequences, such as imposing legal costs on her or other sanctions.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/24 04:04 PM
15

Hell no.
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/24 09:37 PM
12

Same here! No more crazy clutter. No more doll heads staring at me creepily.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/24 01:57 PM
5

Nobody understands unless they are going through it. Even my other guy friends can’t relate. It is this band of brothers.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/24 02:07 AM
5

You don’t need to leave the home. One step at a time. It’s all overwhelming at first. Sorry man.
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/24 09:52 PM
3

File what’s most financially advantageous. Separation doesn’t matter. Judgment of divorce is what precludes filing as a married couple.
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/24 03:07 AM
0

I think the point of the comment is that respecting a spouse’s wishes is prioritizing that spouse above other members of the family. A spouse wanting to be close to his or her family is an important aspect of their well being, and so respecting that request does put the spouse first. But the respect and accommodation needs to go both ways.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/24 01:15 PM
3

There isn’t any genuine romantic love that comes without conditions. Unconditional attachment isn’t love, it’s obedience.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/24 03:16 AM
7

Just unplug. No reason to follow her.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/24 03:04 AM
1

Thanks, appreciate the perspective. That’s what I feel like. That I need that closure to be able to fully move on. It’s hard to repair things when the adversarial part isn’t over yet.
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 11:29 PM
1

Does separation count? It’s been 2 1/2 years and the divorce has been dragging on and has not been finalized yet. Curious from others if the healing only really begins after the divorce is finalized?
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 11:17 PM
1

Over $85K in legal fees and still counting.
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 10:18 PM
6

It sounds like your and your father’s definition of “love” is unconditional submission to your requests even when your husband has valid reasons to stay in NYC. Is that really love; and if so, could any marriage survive that definition?
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 07:54 PM
14

Looks fine so long as you’re not expecting any dates.
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 07:08 PM
7

No. You need your own attorney. Get a consult right away. A lot will do it for free. Don’t worry about costs. You can most likely file a motion for her to establish a fund to pay your attorney. Ask the lawyer at a consult. She’s trying to trap you to sign away important rights. Don’t do it.
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 01:33 AM
17

Is she a family law lawyer? Probably not. A lot of lawyers get crushed by their own hubris and arrogance. Plus courts don’t like feeling that one side is beating up on the other. Don’t worry about it. Get an experienced family law lawyer. If there’s a disparity in income or you lack access to funds, a fund can be created for you. Don’t make any admissions. If there’s any doubt, have communications channeled through your lawyer. I’m telling you this as a litigator myself who is going through a di…
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 01:05 AM
1

On what grounds? Is your divorce finalized? Seems just like she’s lashing out in anger and frustrated at the loss of control.
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/24 10:18 PM
1

The only advantage is one of timing, as the filing is the date that will determine alimony and freezes the picture of marital assets. It probably doesn’t matter in your case if you had a long term marriage. Other than that, I can’t think of a strategic advantage as things will shake out the same regardless. If you are able to mediate to resolve differences first, then I believe you’ll be able to file to pursue an uncontested divorce. That should hopefully reduce legal costs and minimize friction…
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/24 10:14 PM
5

You made your decision. Stay resolute. You don’t owe her any explanations. Sounds like she’s just trying to guilt and blame you. If she truly cared or changed, she wouldn’t do that. Sounds like the same pattern repeating itself.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 11:53 PM
1

Ugh, awful. Sounds like the right move then and that you’re in good hands.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 03:49 PM
1

If she makes that much more and you’re short on cash ask your attorney if your ex can be required to fund your attorneys fees.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 03:22 PM
2

Nice, great explanation. Wrote my comment about the same time you were writing yours. Should have waited!
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 03:19 PM
2

This is standard language in attorney engagement agreements. It’s fine. The lawyer is just making clear, consistent with how they do all other agreements, that you’ll need to execute a separate agreement if there is any appeal. An appeal is completely separate from TROs, motions, trial, and any other issue in the trial level court. The option to appeal to the appellate court typically only comes up at the end of the case, after a final judgment is entered. They are pretty rare in family court ca…
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 03:06 PM
1

You’re welcome. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I understand the pain all too well.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 04:14 AM
3

Yes. Similar dynamic. Night and day when kids are with the ex and with me. It’s not you. It’s your ex signaling to them that she’s unhappy with you and they want to please her so they mirror her attitudes. Just know that it’s not a reflection on you; it’s a reflection on your ex. Your kid is adopting a defense mechanism to ease the discomfort when they are placed in an uncomfortable situation. It’s helpful not to take it personally and to create a safe space when your kid is with you where you d…
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 03:53 AM
2

Good for you. Good luck. It is not easy but you’ll get through it. One day at a time. Meanwhile, this group is here for you.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/24 02:17 PM
1

I hear you. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. It’s not easy no matter what. Hopefully you can work with a good therapist. I did and it helped me let go of the guilt. Still a lot of other emotions to process but it lightened the burden.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/24 01:19 AM
9

Try to be kind to yourself. Many of us on this sub have found that often there’s nothing you can do if your ex has unrealistic expectations or suffers from cognitive distortions. We all could have done something better. But as long as you were decent and tried, don’t beat yourself up. Just accept the reality for what it is and let go of any guilt.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/24 05:54 PM
2

Spend what’s reasonable and defensible for basic needs. Just don’t do anything extravagant or out of the ordinary, as that could lead to a claim that you have the ability to pay more if financial support were an issue.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/24 03:10 PM
10

I don’t know the laws in Europe but in the US generally speaking a partner cannot strategically refuse to work. If they do, the income they should be able to earn would be imputed to them for purposes of calculating alimony and child support. It would surprise me if European laws were fundamentally different. I would look for a second opinion or try to do some independent research, as it makes no sense to me and encourages financial gamesmanship.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 09:04 PM
3

There should be an option to have her establish a fund for you to pay your attorney. I know that’s a common motion in my state. Get a consult with your own attorney and ask them how this works. Many will do free consults or consults for a minimal fee.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 06:16 PM
5

This. I’m still on my first divorce but this is how I feel about the kids too. Think of creating two happy households for them (hopefully) instead of one unhappy one. I know my home is a safe and happy space for them and want the same for my ex for the kids’ sake and notwithstanding the circumstances of the separation (I filed after years of abuse).
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 01:17 AM
2

Make sure they specialize in family law and have a number of years practicing in your state and locality. You don’t want a generalist that does all kind of retail law.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 06:30 PM
7

As a general matter if you settle all issues (custody and finances), any evidence she has is irrelevant and won’t go before a judge. That stuff only potentially comes into play if there are contested issues that the judge needs to resolve. I don’t have any Georgia specific experience but can’t imagine it would be any different there. Likely if she wants to settle she’s holding the evidence as leverage (in her mind) in the event a deal can’t be reached.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 02:13 AM
2

Not really a question one of us is capable of answering in the abstract. It depends on how significant the modification was (for purposes of the cost-benefit analysis) and if you have grounds to appeal, which is a question only your lawyer is capable of answering. As a general matter appeals over matters of discretion are very rarely going to be successful.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/24 03:04 AM
1

Nice post. Thank you for the reminder. It’s tough at times but yeah, the freedom to be your best self for yourself and for your kids is invaluable.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/24 12:43 AM
8

Yeah no downside in consulting a lawyer. Sounds like she doesn’t want lawyers involved because she will owe you money. If she has access to assets and you don’t you may be able to force her to advance funds to pay your attorney. If she is starting to mess with your rights to the kids, you need to lawyer up and play hardball.
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/24 09:13 AM
6

She vowed to support you. She clearly broke her vow and then some. That releases you, just like a material breach of contract releases the other side to the agreement.
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/24 09:11 AM
9

This is typical of all complaints filed in litigation. Don’t read too much into it. Plaintiffs routinely ask for maximal relief understanding they won’t get it. It’s just a framing device.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 10:19 PM
8

Don’t go. No drama. Seems like a pretty clear answer to me. If you do go, beyond eroding appropriate boundaries, you might make her feel uncomfortable or feed some narrative that you’re invading her space. Why put yourself in that situation?
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 03:03 AM
9

None. Why would you ever want to give your stbx a gift?
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/24 11:48 PM
3

Can you rent a rage room near you? I just learned that it’s apparently a thing.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/24 12:42 AM
1

Same county is fine. If they are experienced they should have plenty of exposure to any judge within the county. Plus most county courts in family law and general matters are centralized, at least in my state, so city locality is irrelevant. Definitely prioritize quality over location.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 02:12 PM
3

I’m sorry you’re going through this. What to expect really depends on how contentious you think it might be. The most important thing is to secure your custody rights for your child. If you anticipate a fight you need to come up with a workable plan where you will be with your child on the schedule you want. In terms of finances, if she makes more and you took a step back to help her likely she will need to pay you alimony but that is a question for a lawyer. Also think of what assets were acqui…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/24 11:51 PM
2

You have options and rights. If she saved during the marriage, that’s marital assets. You’re entitled to a portion of them. You can probably move to have her fund your lawyer’s fees if she’s in control of the marital funds. You may also be entitled to equity in the house. Consult a lawyer. Many will give you a free consult. Don’t assume you won’t be able to pay just because you don’t currently have cash flow.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/24 04:06 AM
4

Congrats and well done! That’s r/dadjokes worthy too.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/24 12:28 AM
3

It is but I would suggest freeing yourself of any mindset that it’s necessarily better for the kids. It’s not better for them if the environment is toxic. Separating can create two happy (or at least happier) households instead of one unhappy one. That is a net positive for everyone overall.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/24 04:58 PM
2

Illinois is the jurisdiction then. It’s good to identify the questions you have, as the attorney might not know to ask them. That is a good question for an Illinois family law lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 06:10 PM
2

What jurisdiction? You need to consider whether any of your assets are premarital and remained premarital. Premarital assets are generally not subject to equitable distribution. Also her earnings capability would likely be a consideration. She cannot strategically refuse to work; if she does, a court could generally impute income to her for purposes of calculating alimony.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 05:56 PM
2

Those are all valid concerns and reasons. You need to maintain your mental health, too. That sounds like a good compromise considering all of the considerations you need to balance. I agree with you that the suburbs are isolating and full of intact families. I haven’t met or heard of one divorced family in my kids’ schools. It is hard so I completely understand your decision.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 02:48 PM
2

Yes, I live in the NJ burbs not too far away from the city. I live by the kids’ school to make it easier for them and maintain continuity. It is isolating but you can still build a community through school and by being proactive about meeting people. It helps if you have a good coparenting relationship with your ex. It’s challenging at times but I’d rather have the challenges and be closer to the kids to maximize my time and involvement.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 07:01 AM
1

Congratulations!
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 06:50 AM
1

It’s hard. Give it time. For me, it was to push myself out of my comfort zone to meet or reconnect with people. I’ve sent messages to friends and family I hadn’t been in touch with for years. They were happy to hear from me and very receptive. I’ve learned that you can’t wait for people to come to you, so I’ve been proactive. Little steps. Look at every proactive measure as a building block. I’ve been trying to fill my life with meaningful connections. Dating is secondary and honestly I don’t wa…
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 06:44 AM
6

Yes, it’s completely normal. She was a huge part of your life regardless of the circumstances. I initiated divorce too after years of an abusive relationship but had phantom memories of her here; the house had an eerie emptiness without her. It takes getting used to. It’s been more than two years for me and I still feel the emptiness at times.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 01:34 AM
4

Sorry, I can’t relate. I don’t go out of my way to expose my wife’s abusive behavior, but if she lies about me I will defend myself and have no qualms about telling the truth. My reputation matters to my relationship with my kids, school, neighbors, etc. Why jeopardize my well-being to protect someone who treated me like shit and who wouldn’t reciprocate anyways?
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/24 10:06 PM
9

Yes, but the problem was more fundamental. Her parenting was right; mine was wrong. Her time and plans with the kids mattered; mine didn’t. She didn’t respect me as a parent or a person. It was a symptom of a narcissistic personality disorder that made the marriage toxic rather than the cause for the divorce. But it was definitely an accelerant.
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/24 12:41 AM
8

Similar. My life seems full enough without dating. I have the house and kids 50/50. Between work, maintaining the home, and time with the kids I barely have time. I dabble but mostly to battle loneliness rather than genuinely desiring it.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/24 10:48 PM
3

Ask lawyer if there’s a hook for relevance. If so, yes but the real impact is atmospheric. If you have a legitimate basis to bring these facts before the court, it will impact the judge’s decision-making in all aspects of the case.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/24 10:34 PM
3

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. By coincidence my wedding anniversary is this weekend too. I’m not doing anything. It’s over. Over the past couple years I’ve reflected on the past, alone, but that’s it. It sounds like you still need to process and come to terms with what’s happening. That is all normal and appropriate but don’t let that process overcome your judgment for the anniversary.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 06:43 PM
5

What jurisdiction?
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/24 10:15 PM
2

Judges have a good sense for bullshit. Believe in yourself. Present yourself credibly. If your wife is lying, that will come out. If she lied about something, that will impact her credibility about other issues. Also make sure your attorney has the evidence he needs to cross examine your wife to expose her lies. You should be proactive about gathering and getting this impeachment material to your lawyer especially if he is not as responsive as you’d like.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/24 05:12 PM
1

This. You need an enforceable agreement before moving out to ensure you’re able to see your kid on the schedule you want. Also document when you watch the kid on your own at her request. The more evidence you have that your are the trusted, selfless parent and she is the selfish one, the more insurance guaranteeing your rights in case a custody battle breaks out.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/24 05:07 PM
1

Similar here. Downhill after first one, same pattern after second, and toxicity turbocharged during covid. I helped as much as I could while supporting the family but she couldn’t handle the stress and I was the recipient of her abuse until it became intolerable.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/24 11:28 AM
1

Ah, got it. As a general matter a motion to stay an order doesn’t stay the order until granted, meaning you still need to comply with the order. There are exceptions when a stay motion is self executing. Of course I don’t know your particular situation but regardless this is pretty technical and you’ve been following your attorney’s advice.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/24 11:11 AM
2

You need to provide some more basic info before you can even guestimate your potential liabilities: -what jurisdiction? -how long have you been married? -what does your wife make or could she make if fully employed? -do you have premarital assets that you have kept separate or has everything been commingled? -do you own real estate? If so did you contribute premarital earnings to buy it?
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/24 03:04 AM
1

Did your attorney in fact file a motion to stay and secure a stay order? If not seems like bad legal advice. Regardless, I wouldn’t worry about yourself personally since you were doing your best and following your attorney’s advice. Just be sure to comply with court orders and correct any oversights.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/24 02:07 PM
3

I can understand that but you should really consider changing your mindset. You are separated. She shouldn’t have that kind of control over you any more. She doesn’t determine what’s best for the kids; you have equal input. And if you disagree, the court is the final arbiter. I know it’s hard but the alternative will be acquiescing to her demands for the rest of your life.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 02:20 PM
5

Do it. You presumably will have joint legal custody, which means you should be jointly making important decisions. Schooling is one of them. If you want to have the fight, have it now before it’s too late. It sounds like homeschooling is not in the kids’ best interests. If you acquiesce, you may never have the opportunity to fight for what’s best for them. Don’t make decisions based out of fear for how your ex might react but rather what’s in the kids’ best interests.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 01:38 PM
2

Consult a lawyer and discuss these issues so you can plan all these steps appropriately. Many will give a free initial consult. You can always file for divorce but wait to serve the complaint if you want some space in between filing and service. But this way you will have it on file when you broach the subject. Again, a lawyer is best positioned to explain this to you, as the procedure and substance varies by jurisdiction. Timing is also another consideration. Depending on your financial situati…
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 05:56 PM
2

Thank you for the thoughtful response. Your empathy is greatly appreciated.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 02:19 AM
8

Thank you for the kind words. I hear a lot of people say “it will get better.” Sometimes I wonder what better is. I built my life around the woman I loved. I filed for divorce after she proved herself to be someone different. There is relief in escaping a toxic relationship but a kind of emptiness that will not wash away. It’s also depressing knowing that I will have to coparent with this person for the rest of my life. In what ways does it “get better”?
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 11:32 PM
2

Lawyer. If you purchased it with premarital assets but contributed money post-marriage she may be entitled to some equity but maybe not 50/50. In my case we negotiated a split where I kept most of the equity due to my pre-marital contributions even though she was on the deed. But you need a lawyer to properly advise you on how your jurisdiction treats the situation.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 01:58 AM
16

This all assumes you have a reasonable, decent, and willing partner. A lot of us are not that lucky.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 11:03 PM
10

That’s beautiful, in a very sad way. Yes, I can relate. I married the only woman I ever truly loved. I built my life around her. I gave so much of myself that I lost my sense of self. Only to be beaten down. I so often wanted to love her but kept thinking that she made it so difficult to do so. I ended it when she crossed a red line. But I grieved for the marriage well before then. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, but I hope there is some comfort knowing that there are others who can r…
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 09:55 PM
2

There is no straight answer because these questions do not lend themselves to one. How income would ultimately be imputed is a probabilistic exercise to predict how a judge would resolve these issues. Your friend could increase his chances by getting a good vocational expert and lawyer but the expert’s conclusions could be disputed by an expert hired by the opposing party. How a judge would resolve such a battle of the experts is very difficult to predict.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 01:22 AM
1

Yeah, seriously. Honestly being a part of this group I see that so many of our stories and the personalities we’ve had to deal with are sadly very similar.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/24 05:06 PM
1

That’s a good question. Really hard to remember at this point. I know she didn’t acknowledge our anniversary the year before we separated even though I made sure to get her something. I don’t think she acknowledged my birthday that year either even though I did for her.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/24 04:05 PM
5

Nope. Wedding anniversary rolling around for the third time shortly while still trying to get divorced. Not a word or thought about it.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/24 03:03 PM
3

Sorry man. It is going to be ok. If it helps I don’t think that extra little stuff would have mattered. We all could have done something more in retrospect. It doesn’t mean we didn’t try. I don’t know the situation but if someone ends a marriage without a really good reason (e.g., abuse), I think it speaks more about their lack of commitment, selfish needs, and unrealistic expectations than anything you did.
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/24 03:20 AM
5

I’m in a similar boat. Keeping the house for the two kids and we share a 50/50 schedule. One thought that helps me cope is that I believe I can balance out the issues my ex has by creating a loving and supportive environment. It sounds like you’re doing the same, and putting the kids’ interests first, with a very selfish stbx. That will help them tremendously. Second, to cope with the loneliness I push myself to get out there when I don’t have the kids. Doing things and meeting people I wouldn’t…
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/24 07:25 PM
1

Ugh, I’m sorry. When this kind of stuff happens it just reminds me that I’m better off being divorced and that you’re doing an amazing thing for the kids to take care of them to balance out her bad behavior.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 11:02 PM
3

I asked for and got 50/50 through mediation.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 10:59 PM
6

If you do consider leaving, make sure you have an enforceable parenting plan first that you are agreeable to so you can see be sure to see the kids. Otherwise it may be a fight to see them depending on how reasonable your stbx is (and even then you don’t want to have to rely on her being reasonable).
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 10:56 PM
2

I know. I’m sorry. It’s an awful process. You can always handle it pro se but there are risks to doing so especially if you have to go to court. If your finances are not complicated perhaps you can manage on your own with your own research and guidance from those who’ve been through it and can sensitize you to the issues and potential arguments.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 11:07 PM
2

I made the same mistake too of no prenup. I love it when people tell me hey, you should have gotten a prenup. Thanks, really helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 10:52 PM
17

Get your attorney to impute income to her, which would then reduce your alimony and potentially childcare obligations but that’s a question for your attorney. Her refusal to work doesn’t relieve her of her obligation to do so. She can refuse but she will then bear the financial consequences for doing so. If you get 50/50 custody that should also reduce your childcare obligations because you’re paying for them on your own half the time.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 10:51 PM
3

I’m sorry. These stories are unfortunately all too common. You are fighting the good fight. This group is here to support you. All of my family is in a different country but I fight every day for my kids. It is hard and exhausting but worth the effort.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 03:54 AM
2

Don’t just ignore. It would make you look bad and could subject you to consequences for default, contempt, etc., depending on what was served. Even if there’s a highly technical argument that you weren’t served properly, courts hate those kinds of games. If you need more time to respond to something, you could always ask and the court would likely be receptive especially if you have no lawyer and need time to consult one.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 12:36 AM
5

Thank you for the reminder. Always good to hear this especially when you’re having a bad day.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 12:19 AM
1

I think it comes down to whether you feel like you’re ready or not. Don’t rush it. If you’re filing towards the end of the year that’s not too far away and might as well wait.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 10:51 PM
1

I cannot speak to IL law but can tell you as a general matter that the laws are much more equitable these days to enable fathers to have 50/50 custody or close to it depending on what you’re asking for, assuming it is consistent with the kids’ best interest. We reached a 50/50 custody agreement in my jurisdiction (NJ) even though I was the breadwinner and she largely stayed at home, and even though she tried to fight me at first. It sounds like you would have a great chance for the arrangement y…
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 03:46 AM
3

It’s standard in my jurisdiction. Not sure how broadly applicable that is. Even in no fault states many of the questions could be relevant to custody and financial issues. If there is relevant evidence your ex has or is hiding, the questions could be turned to your advantage by issuing the same ones to her and she can hardly object since she issued the same ones to you. So it’s an opportunity to play offense as well as defense.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 01:14 PM
1

That’s awesome, good for you. I hope you continue to enjoy.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 01:10 PM
1

That sucks, man. Yeah, there’s definitely a risk that a good therapist will try to explain the reality to her but she will be unwilling to accept it. So then the therapists becomes the problem because they contradict her version of reality. I’ve heard that story play out before. But hopefully there’s comfort in trying even if it’s not successful.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 03:23 AM
2

I’m advocating for participating in the world. I’m just saying I don’t feel like I need a relationship to do that. I don’t begrudge anybody who makes a different decision, it’s just not for me. At least not at this point. So I’m with OP.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 03:20 AM
7

It’s a discovery device distinct from a deposition. It’s probably just a stock form your ex’s attorney’s firm uses. You need to answer them honestly unless your lawyer tells you a question is out of bounds, in which case the lawyer will object or seek to limit its scope. But absent that guidance, you need to answer each one. It’s quite standard and can as a practical matter moot the need for a deposition (though no guarantee) if you provide the information they’re looking for. The questions abou…
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 02:26 AM
6

Didn’t work for me - ex refused - but took away any guilt when I filed knowing that I exhausted all options.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 02:15 AM
5

It’s not about being bitter, it’s about being wiser.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 08:09 PM
8

Yes. Same. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust again. Don’t need it and don’t need to risk the hell I was put through and am still being put through. I have my kids and I can find companionship elsewhere. My life seems full enough.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 08:06 PM
1

We agreed but don’t have the pc in place yet. That’s one of the things I’ve been following up on. There may be ways to negotiate an order that imposes costs on the party who is acting unreasonably, along with other enforcement mechanisms. Your ex can’t just violate the pc’s recommendations without consequences.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 02:29 PM
1

I am having to deal with this situation now. I’ve generally taken the kids to birthdays that fall on my weekends and try to be in touch with other parents directly to coordinate. My ex excluded me from my own kids’ birthdays with their classmates. We are going to have a pc (parenting coordinator) appointed so I plan to address the issue that way.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 02:13 PM
6

I’m so sorry. What you describe is harrowing. Domestic violence does happen to men. It happened to me too. I was also in an abusive relationship. Fortunately I ended it before it continued escalating. My ex confronted me in my home office. When I saw how aggressive she was acting, I started recording to protect myself in case she started getting violent. When she suspected I was recording, she put me in a chokehold and violently wrestled me to the ground. There were times I could not breathe. Wh…
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 10:15 AM
2

Mediation is a wonderful way to hopefully resolve things amicably without expending a ton in legal fees but each of you should have your own lawyer to ensure that the agreement you reach is fair and consistent with your objectives.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/24 08:00 PM
4

I think there’s a lot of good advice here but disagree that remaining silent is the best approach. I think it is appropriate to counter-narrative in a gentle way to explain that he has and will only have one dad. Regardless, it’s a really tough situation to deal with.
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/24 10:49 PM
2

Yes, exactly. It’s uncomfortable but it’s a temporary discomfort. He has to learn and understand that he will be staying by you overnight. I know it can be hard but it’s just transitional. It will be for the greater good if your goal is for him to stay by you longer term. Maybe you can think of special things for the night time routine so he will look forward to it and hopefully it will help with the adjustment.
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/24 08:34 PM
4

Yes. Feels like nobody is divorced in my town. I’ve asked two schools and they knew of no divorced families other than our own.
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/24 08:10 AM
7

Recommend powering through it. It’s an adjustment but one that needs to be made. You don’t want it to become the precedent that he goes back to your ex whenever he asks.
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/24 08:08 AM
4

I had a marriage of similar duration and kids about the same age when I separated. Very similar dynamic as well. The separation was over two years ago and while there are different challenges now, I don’t regret it. It will be better. There is nothing like the joy of putting the kids to bed on your own without a critical eye watching your every step. Also remember that you are helping and not harming your kids by saving them from a toxic environment. Hopefully you can create two happy homes for …
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/24 05:07 PM
4

A lot of this sadly rings true. I was forced to accept that reality after being physically assaulted in front of my kids. The challenge is the new reality, not for myself but for the kids, since I have to co-parent with this person for the rest of my life.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/24 04:47 PM
1

Can you have her attorney draw up the real estate documents? If she’s buying you out I’d think that would be part of her responsibilities. In my case I’m buying her out and we negotiated that my attorney would draw up the appropriate transfer documents.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/24 11:05 PM
2

I’m so sorry. I’ve heard so many stories like these. I’ve had a similar experience myself. I found it helpful to cope to let go of any guilt if you genuinely tried your best, which it sounds like you did, and accept that your wife is a different person from the one you married. It is hard if not impossible to make sense of something that has no linear or logical progression.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/24 02:59 PM
2

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m having a down moment myself. When were the better days for everyone? I’ve been separated for more than two years now and feel different, not better. If anything the lack of improvement sometimes makes things worse because the better days seem like an illusion. I’m thankful that I have 50/50 with the kids but no immediate family around so it’s hard doing everything and particularly the holidays on my own. I want the lonely holidays to end but see no hope o…
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 01:38 PM
2

Depends on the jurisdiction but some may favor the wife when the child is do young. Even if not the practicalities of having parenting time may be more challenging. Might be wise to wait until the kid is a little older. On the house, generally speaking if she doesn’t want it you will need to buy her out. Whether you’ll be able to do so is a financial question, not a legal one. In terms of assets, consider what is premarital and what is marital. (Premarital is generally exempt from equitable dist…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 03:12 AM
6

Yes. I filed for divorce and my ex initially tried to fight me for custody. We finally settled custody at a 50/50 split but it took more than a year to get there and another year to finalize the agreement. I was really put out at first because she took advantage of every accommodation and made false allegations I had to rebut. But I put those emotions aside because I wanted what was best for the kids which was to try to co-parent with someone amicably and respectfully. After all, you’ll have to …
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/24 09:17 PM
4

I think it depends on how supportive your ex will be as a co-parent. I have always been close with my kids and we share 50/50 custody but my ex has been alienating them from me. It makes things more challenging but even with that we have a loving relationship and we enjoy our time with each other. I found it helpful to explain to the kids that we love them and the divorce is not about them. It is about two people who are happier living apart. And this way everyone is happier all around. I also c…
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/24 02:53 AM
1

Damn. That is insane. So sorry you had to deal with all that. And yeah, then the mind f**k trying to make it seem like we’re crazy or in the wrong for insisting on what’s objectively right.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/24 11:37 PM
2

I’m so sorry to hear that. Everything is still so fresh for you. I hope you’re doing ok. Very similar situation here occurred more than two years ago. I had to call the cops when she would not stop the assault despite my repeated pleas. She was arrested and criminally charged for aggravated assault and I opened a DV action. You’re right about narcissism. I feel the same way. It was the toxic variety. Not only did she feel the rules didn’t apply to her, she never apologized or took responsibility…
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/24 07:57 PM
6

I think it’s very individualistic. I have two little girls so I struggle with this. I know they will not take well to another woman at home who’s not their mom so I’m not pushing it for the moment. I also don’t feel like I really desire it other than to combat the loneliness/isolation. I don’t think I’d ever want another spouse (one was enough!).
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/24 06:48 PM
8

If it’s in the order, sounds like you would need to move for compliance with the order. There needs to be pressure applied or she will just do what she wants.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/24 05:55 PM
3

I knew it was time when I exhausted all avenues. I asked for marriage counseling and she said no. I had a similarly abusive situation that you describes. The issue was forced on me when she physically assaulted me. There was no going back at that point and I filed for divorce. I am happier but not happy as there are different challenges. But at least I can face those challenges as a whole person, free from the abuse.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/24 05:50 PM
14

Who cares? Win win either way. Let her regret it. And if she’s faking it to try to make you feel bad, then she is leading an empty life.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/24 09:47 PM
2

If she’s a danger to the kids then stay in the house and ask for full custody. If she is not then you will have to coparent with her. Being separated can help reduce the toxicity and you can protect the kids as best you can by getting a favorable custody arrangement and negotiating provisions designed to protect them (and that you’re willing to enforce).
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/24 09:35 AM
8

Why should I feel guilty after being berated and physically assaulted in front of my kids? Fuck that. I am saving them from a toxic environment, not abandoning them.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/24 12:55 AM
14

This rings so true. I loved my wife and she was supposed to be my partner. I never doubted that she was fundamentally a good person; otherwise, I never would have married her. I understand that people can drift apart but I never understood the animosity. I would never act towards anyone—anyone, let alone someone with whom I had kids—the way I was treated, and all without any apology. I have no place in my heart for hate. Yet she seems filled with it. This cannot be the person I married. Yet it i…
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/24 04:06 PM
2

Agreed. Or worse, blame or attack one another for the stress.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 10:08 PM
1

Yeah, it seems crazy to me to think that people could be happier to feel stuck in unhappy marriages. I do think all efforts should be exhausted to make the marriage work (obviously assuming it’s not an abusive or dangerous situation) but if that’s been done divorce makes sense. I think one issue may be that people enter marriages with unrealistic expectations. There is so much more stress than anticipated, particularly after a child, even with the most compatible couples. If that is unexpected, …
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 09:28 PM
4

American. I honestly don’t think it matters unless the statistics are artificially repressed due to cultural taboos against divorce. But even then it’s just a matter of numbers. The fundamental problems leading to divorce, in my view, are the same across cultures.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 06:40 PM
1

Are you able to get a free consult with an attorney? You should understand the financial consequences and custody rights if kids are involved. You need to understand, in particular, how long and how much your alimony obligation might be, how you should expect to divide assets (are they all marital or are some premarital), expected child support obligations, and what custody/parenting situation you would want assuming you have kids and how likely you are to obtain that. Also consider whether you …
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 04:22 PM
4

It’s normal. There are experts who QDRO the account. You can always ask and then decide later not to. But if you never ask it’s never part of the equation.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 11:12 AM
3

Mediation is a great option but are you able to get a lawyer? It’s important to have your own lawyer help you select a reputable mediator and ensure you’re getting a fair deal.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 02:49 AM
1

Have you gone through divorce yourself?
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 02:47 AM
7

I’m so sorry. First step is finding a good therapist. It doesn’t sound like it’s your fault at all. There are always things that we could do better but it will help you process this traumatic event if you could work with someone who can put the situation in perspective. For me it was indispensable to work with a therapist to see the situation clearly and handle the emotional vicissitudes.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 02:43 AM
8

Incurred more than twice that and still going. All because she is taking unreasonable positions and it’s a power trip for her to go to her lawyer for every little and frivolous thing. And yet we have to suffer for it. Such a messed up system.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/24 01:27 AM
1

Did I say that? This is a support group. Please take your criticisms elsewhere.
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/24 11:57 PM
1

Make sure you’re secure on legal footing and see if you can hit her for legal fees for filing a frivolous motion if she does so. What she thinks is her strength is in reality her weakness. You can use her overreach and aggression against her.
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/24 02:56 PM
1

I hear you. I have to deal with the spite and pettiness which is exhibited in front of my kids. It’s the effect on the kids I care about. If it’s just directed at me I really don’t care. If anything I feel empowered because it shows I’m in her head space while she is out of mine. But it’s kinda depressing knowing I have to try to coparent with this person for the rest of my life. It’s been more than two years and she is still the same hateful, angry person I separated from.
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/24 02:13 AM
4

I don’t think of it that way. First of all, you’re never alone. You’re only alone if you think you need a woman to fill the void. Why? There’s family and many other meaningful ways to connect. Even with romantic connections I’m skeptical but I don’t write it off completely. I’m at the point where it might be nice but doesn’t feel necessary.
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/24 01:57 AM
2

This group is here to support you. I have a very similar situation with kids similarly aged.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/24 04:57 PM
1

I think that’s right. I just took a look at my MSA and it defines the “marital portion” as the balance as of the date of marriage through the date of the divorce filing. I imagine “marital portion” is stock language but ours spelled it out while yours did not. I bet whoever is doing your QDRO has practical insights even if they can’t provide legal advice.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/24 02:14 PM
1

Have you considered or made contributions after the date of the divorce filing? I thought those should be your separate assets, so the division should be as of date of divorce filing. Interested in what you find out because I gotta QDRO a retirement account in NJ too.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/24 03:35 AM
3

If you can make it work then worth trying. Divorce is not fun. Exhaust all avenues first. How bad a divorce will be depends on how reasonable or vindictive your ex will be and your financial situation.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/24 03:27 AM
8

So true. I filed for divorce after years of abuse and after she physically assaulted me in front of the kids and was criminally charged with aggravated assault. I endured it all before then to try to keep the family together, always provided, always faithful, and helped out as much as I could. Yet I was the “emotionally abusive” one.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/24 09:47 PM
18

That’s how she wants you to feel. Her version of reality is not the reality. Don’t let it become yours just because she said it.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/24 07:09 PM
2

Go for it. You owe it to yourself. We need these bright moments to bring us strength and hope.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/24 03:19 PM
3

I say if you feel comfortable, then go for it. If you’ve grieved the marriage before it ended you may be readier sooner than others. Life is too short. Divorce is hard. Enjoy these moments when you can.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/24 03:03 PM
1

Totally. Same thing with me until I got a good therapist. Don’t let her define you or your self worth.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 01:01 PM
3

No, but I grieved and moved on before the marriage ended. Sounds like you are not through the process yet. I’m honestly struggling to find what I miss. Kinda don’t miss being made to feel like sh*t all the time but maybe that’s just me.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 02:55 AM
5

I don’t know WA law but as a general matter income acquired during the marriage is generally treated as marital property so will be divided regardless of who earned or saved. The income disparity might mean you’re entitled to alimony from her. As for mediation, it’s a good way to resolve the case early on if you can’t reach agreement. Would save a lot in legal fees. There’s generally no down side since it’s not binding if it doesn’t work out but all these are questions for a WA lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/24 12:51 AM
9

Yes. Two kids at time of split, turning 3 and 6. How to prepare depends on the character of your ex. Mine was abusive and vindictive so had to fight for 50/50 custody which I got but still have to contend with manipulation/alienation.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/24 10:55 PM
2

As a general matter judges don’t like those shenanigans. Keep records and you can bring it up in passing at an opportune time but it’s not a big deal in the overall picture.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/24 10:55 AM
8

Agree with the comments about not responding. Just wanted to add that if you flip your perspective it’s a reflection that she’s full of anger/spite if she feels the need to tell you. That’s no way to live. So the joke is ultimately on her if you don’t give her the response she’s looking for. My ex tries to do the same stuff when she purposely tells the kids she’s going on a date in a way that I can hear it. I just ignore it. I find it pathetic more than anything.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 12:04 AM
3

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would carefully think through what is premarital and what is not when considering the distribution of assets. Sounds like the house may be premarital. I know in my jurisdiction you have to file forms listing your assets so it’s important to think that through in advance.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/24 05:11 PM
1

That sounds right to me. Especially if she’s happy there, making friends, being part of a community, etc., which sounds like is the case.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/24 03:01 AM
1

Can’t advise on Georgia law but that seems frivolous. If she knew she had the right to a lawyer but signed anyways I’d think that would be a waiver. And while custody can be based on changed circumstances in my jurisdiction, you’ve gotta have some pretty compelling reasons. Change of heart is not change of circumstances. As for religion, this did come up in my case. We negotiated a clause in the custody agreement establishing the religion we’d raise the kids since my ex seemed inclined to raise …
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 07:34 PM
1

If you have lots of good evidence what is the concern? Depose her. Get her to admit it. Then a trial would be real easy if needed. You also have plenty of fact finding tools at your disposal beyond depositions through discovery. What is the standard? Preponderance of the evidence? You should have no problem meeting it if you have good evidence but if she denies it it will come down to a question of credibility assuming the proof isn’t controvertible. That’s what good lawyering and cross examinat…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 08:21 PM
13

Also one quick aside: loving unconditionally in a relationship is a false and unfair expectation. There are always boundaries. If one is abused there is no obligation to love your abuser. Romantic love can never be unconditional. It requires two whole, respected individuals.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 06:31 PM
6

I’m so sorry and can relate. I worked long hours in my profession and wanted a satisfying career. But she complained and I took a step back, asked for reduced hours, even though it hurt my career chances, because I wanted to prioritize her and the family. Then I’m gaslit with allegations that I put my career over the family. This was also after about 8 1/2 years of sacrifice during marriage. Here’s what helps me keep it together: I’ve got two amazing kids. I would not trade them for the world. I…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 06:25 PM
5

I hear you and am sorry for what you’re going through. I can relate and hope to share some hope. I’m of similar age and work a stressful job that I’m tied to while keeping up with young kids (50/50 custody) and maintaining the house. No family or close friends immediately nearby. Two years out of the separation too. Between work and kids and maintaining the home I have limited time to socialize and meet people. But the little successes I’ve found is in taking active measure to rebuild my life an…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 06:09 PM
2

Lower barriers to entry (or exit). One of the partners has the infrastructure and experience to initiate the divorce so it’s much less daunting.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 01:22 PM
7

My ex repeatedly threatened. I took the threats seriously so prepared myself. Then I pulled the trigger when there was no option left.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 03:19 AM
5

So this! My ex was exactly the same way. The abuse escalated every time I stood up for myself. Grey rocking and acting transactionally and purposively helped me get through 2 years of divorce. Also maintaining and preserving boundaries.
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/24 01:17 PM
1

Yes. It’s part of our agreement. I have a hostile ex who makes it uncomfortable but I do it anyways, even if only very briefly to say good night, so the kids know I’m thinking of them. I do it through zoom so don’t interact with my ex at all.
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/24 03:59 AM
1

Sucks way more in the beginning. It is destabilizing and there are so many emotions and changes to process. Such a relief at the end, at least in my case (resolved custody on a 50/50 basis and almost there on the finances). It took two years from filing to get to this point so that helped in processing everything. There are definitely still challenges but they feel way more manageable and you gain the confidence along the way that you will overcome them and can do what you need especially for yo…
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/24 10:54 AM
1

Does your school have after care? I used that for a bit. I also asked my job to take off early. Another thing that has worked for us is that I agreed to allow my ex to pick up the kids from school while she doesn’t have a full time job yet so long as she drops them on my days at a set time when you return from work to enable you to have dinner with the kids, do bedtime routine, etc, so that you’re not losing any time. It is a challenging issue and I can relate. I hope it works out for you.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/24 09:36 AM
3

If your wife has time to prepare then she may take actions that could hurt you. Retain a lawyer and, aside from preparing the paperwork, ask what steps you should take to protect yourself or prepare for before she gets served. Don’t fear the response because if she is spiteful it will be bad regardless. If there is a middle ground perhaps you secure the lawyer, do what you need to prepare yourself, and give her a short courtesy heads up that papers are on their way.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/24 09:28 AM
1

What jurisdiction? How long of a marriage? What is the difference in earnings? Do you have premarital property that you’ve kept separate? What do you plan to do with the house? You should think through these big ticket items which will help you plan and prepare yourself but the questions need to be tied to the law of your state.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/24 01:39 AM
2

Speak to lawyer and move for temporary order or see what other relief you could secure asap mirroring the parenting arrangement you’d want long term. The longer she gets the kids on her terms the more likely she could argue that it’s the status quo and should remain that way. So every day counts. Good that you documented your request, her unreasonable response, and your rejection of her response.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/24 01:25 AM
7

Yes. My ex was abusive. Criminally charged with a DV. I wanted her to take responsibility to help get closure. She never did, not even during her guilty plea. It is an attribute of a narcissist. Once I accepted that this just is who she is it helped me acknowledge the reality and move on. It really sucks but I figured there is no worth hoping for something that won’t happen as I can’t change the pathology.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 07:37 AM
1

What are the issues? I likely have suggestions but need to know what issues are at play. Sounds like purely financial. Premarital assets at issue? Alimony? Asset valuation? Earnings capacity? Etc.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 01:09 AM
-1

Is she open to couples therapy? I asked my ex and she refused. That’s when I knew I had tried everything and was left with no choice once the situation was intolerable. I think it would help you avoid guilt if you were to go through with the divorce, which is a common emotion whether justified or not. Alternatively, if she agrees and both parties are genuine about improving themselves and their communication there may be hope. Divorce is terrible and, in my opinion, if the marriage can be salvag…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 10:48 PM
1

I’d do the appraisal assuming the appraisal process itself is not prohibited expensive. Then you have the appraisal as a data point for negotiations. It doesn’t necessarily need to be contested in court if you can settle with the appraisal in hand. The appraisal might help reach that settlement.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 01:31 PM
3

I agree with the comments on finding solutions where you are. If you give up your custody rights you may never get it back. There is no reservation of rights that seems possible because you’d be altering the status quo and she’ll likely argue that you’re selfish and are putting yourself before the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 04:03 AM
6

Can’t advise on Utah law but generally speaking a wife can’t absolve herself of earnings capability by deciding not to work. You should be able to impute to her the income she should earn if she were gainfully employed. Also in my jurisdiction alimony is pegged to the duration of the marriage so it may be proportionate to the years of marriage with the full duration serving as a cap. Finally, the more you have custody it should reduce your childcare obligations. All of these are considerations f…
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/24 11:11 PM
3

Speak to your lawyer but if it’s a frivolous motion maybe you can file a cross motion to modify something (eg, mode of communication) or perhaps have a basis to request her to pay for your legal fees. I think there needs to be consequences or she won’t stop.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/24 01:32 PM
2

Consult lawyer but you should be entitled to temporary order establishing a parenting schedule. Get it asap. Meanwhile document each time she refuses to let you see your kid. That will be compelling evidence for the order.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/24 10:20 AM
1

Don’t assume mediation goes nowhere. Obviously speak with your lawyer but I assume you’d want to gather the evidence and put it in front of the mediator. A good mediator should tell it to her straight so she’ll know what she should expect at trial and hopefully come to her senses.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/24 01:23 AM
8

First off, I’m really sorry and I can relate. I wouldn’t escalate until you have concrete proof. Right now it’s just hearsay and you’d be putting your daughter in the middle. Definitely document what you are observing until you get hard evidence. You don’t want to escalate with weak proof because then you’ll be the one risking credibility.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/24 04:21 PM
2

Thank you. Yes, it was documented through police and other records, including a guilty plea.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/24 06:19 AM
3

If you want 50/50 final go for 50/50 temp. You don’t know how “temporary” temporary can be and you don’t want it to become the status who by the time of a final adjudication.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/24 12:27 AM
2

In my case it was as simple as I loved her - my first true love - and she loved me (or at least she said she did). She had her family close by who I thought I could be close to. I came from a broken home. I wanted to love and be loved. I wanted to start a family. I wanted to feel like a part of one. Yes, there were signs - there was the temper, the anxiety, the controlling tendencies - but they were muted and did not outweigh the positives. I had my doubts but I never doubted that she was fundam…
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/24 12:09 AM
4

I don’t know if I’ll ever be fine. I don’t know if that’s a false expectation. I think different may be more appropriate. I will settle for different as long as different is better.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/24 07:45 PM
2

I did not move out but I had a different situation. When she assaulted me and would not stop I called the cops and she was arrested. I then filed a DV action and got a TRO barring her from returning to the house. So that was the dynamic for the split. Check your jurisdiction to see if you’re allowed to record conversations you’re a part of. She made crazy threats to me so I recorded when she got abusive for my own protection in case she would later lie about what happened. That’s what happened w…
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/24 12:44 PM
2

The fact that she is using your depression against you too is a sign of emotional abuse. We share with our wives our deepest and most traumatic struggles and memories because they are supposed to be our partners. For her to use that against you is evil and highly manipulative. Hopefully you are sharing all this with your therapist. I did not fully appreciate the abuse I was subjected to until I worked with a good therapist. That is a powerful source of support to have in your corner.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/24 07:59 AM
3

So true. I was shocked by my wife’s abusive behavior but see the pattern repeated over and over. I separated and filed for divorce two years ago but was left with no choice because the abuse escalated into a physical assault in front of the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/24 07:49 AM
1

Very similar. I have no desire or trust after what I’ve been through and it’s been two years. I think about dating sometimes only to combat loneliness not because I really desire a relationship. I feel happy and full with my life and 50/50 custody split focusing on the kids; it’s just the solitude that gets to me from time to time.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/24 12:38 AM
3

Subpoenas are directed at third parties. If it’s your stuff though you have a right (standing) to object but need to move quickly. Same principles apply just a different procedure.
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 11:21 PM
5

If it’s a party to the action, it’s discovery (document) requests. Anything can be requested in discovery but you can contest it through your lawyer on various grounds including relevance and burden. As a general matter parties can request everything that’s relevant so it depends on what issues are in your case. As a guiding principle and general rule of thumb don’t do anything on electronic media you wouldn’t be comfortable producing. And once you send something, be cautious about how you treat…
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 11:19 PM
14

Be cautious about legal fees. Depending on the jurisdiction and financial situation you could be asked to pay for her fees. I’d ask your lawyer about it.
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 11:01 PM
4

Happy birthday. I know the feeling. We’re celebrating with you but it sucks, I know.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 08:07 PM
3

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I can relate. I came from a broken household too and a split was the last thing I wanted. The first piece of advice I’d give is to change your perspective. You are not walking out on your boys. You are walking out FOR them. You are saving them from a toxic environment. You are giving them an opportunity to enjoy time with each parent in an environment free of stress and animosity. I hope you can work out an amicable parenting arrangement with your ex. If n…
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/24 05:34 PM
2

Yes. If you did you could have put them in jeopardy though they could still impact equitable distribution. In your case it seems like a clean split given the situation but that would be for the lawyer to confirm.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/24 05:13 PM
1

That should be simple enough then. Did you contribute any of your premarital monies for the house even if it was purchased after marriage? That might make a difference.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/24 03:13 PM
6

Sorry man. This group is here for you. Retain a lawyer if you haven’t yet who can provide practical advice on what to do/not to do while the divorce is pending or in anticipation. Do not make any admissions to your wife that could compromise your position. Make sure to stay involved with your kid in case custody were to become an issue. Maintain the status quo with the finances and don’t so anything like try to transfer or hide assets which doesn’t work and will make you look bad. Think of thing…
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/24 04:43 AM
2

Oh, I misread. This was in our divorce complaints. I haven’t heard of custody petitions being filed before a divorce filing but maybe you’re in a jurisdiction with different procedures.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/24 09:05 PM
2

Don’t know how common it is as a general matter but it happened in my case. I wouldn’t read too much into it other than the lawyers setting forth reciprocal, maximalist positions. It’s just a way to ensure they’re not waiving rights but doesn’t necessarily mean it will be contested.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/24 09:03 PM
5

That’s ridiculous. As I’m sure your lawyer would tell you, if there’s a court order she needs to follow it. If she doesn’t, document it and move for contempt asap. Perhaps you could also seek legal fees based on her violation of a court order. Obviously discuss with your lawyer but she just can’t violate a court order. There needs to be consequences and you need to move right away. I hope you can stay strong and that your lawyer gives you the boost you need. It’s tough but you’re fighting for yo…
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/24 01:58 PM
3

Cannot provide legal advice but check your custody agreement/order. Ours provides that modifications to the parenting schedule may be made via writing. Text is a writing. So that should do. However, if the consequences are that your kids won’t be cared for, unless it is something critical I’d think you’d want to make the sacrifice if she remains obstinate. Shows that you are responsible and she’s the irresponsible one. If her actions violate the court order I would think you could move for a rem…
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/24 11:11 PM
3

Need to consult a NY lawyer but looks like NY is limited duration alimony. So yeah you’ll probably have to pay something but short term, maybe year or two. Alimony will likely be pegged to your earning potential so you’ll still be obligated even if you lost your job unless possibly you could show extenuating circumstances, e.g., unable to find a job despite diligent efforts. But better not to be in that boat since the default is you’ll have to pay regardless.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/24 04:33 AM
3

Yes! I just finalized 50/50 with that exact situation. I was worried too. There is hope. What jurisdiction? How long have you been married? Many are moving toward more equitable parenting time even with that dynamic. Feel free to DM me too if I can provide some ideas or perspective.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/24 08:05 PM
1

I had a very similar situation. First, don’t blame yourself. You did what you could. You did what was rational. The problem is that rational doesn’t work. It took me working with a good therapist to realize that and let go of any guilt. Second, I agree with the comments about the situation being binary. The only possible middle ground would be if she’d be willing to do joint therapy. If she says no, then at least you tried. If she says yes, then a good therapist could help you get your message t…
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/24 06:23 PM
2

Well said. Took me a while to accept that in my situation. Never any attempt to understand let alone appreciate my point of view.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/24 06:19 PM
3

I loved and was married to a narc. I lost that love over years of abuse. It took time. I think it takes time to recognize that reality but important to accept it. Hopefully you can work with a good therapist, who helped me see what was happening. Now our interactions are purely transactional and I object to certain requests or conduct - respectfully, but firmly if warranted - when it is out of bounds. I still hope for the best but don’t expect it. I would love for a respectful relationship for t…
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/24 04:55 PM
–

Also a lawyer will advise you but do not delete anything, whatever it is it is at this point and be careful what you put in writing going forward because it can be requested in discovery. Sounds like the first step is talking to a lawyer as an initial consult. I think that would put you at ease.
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/24 04:38 PM
1

Consult a TX lawyer but it looks like TX is a no-fault divorce state so it shouldn’t matter to your entitlement to alimony. Make sure she doesn’t have access to your accounts. Otherwise she can request it in discovery after you file but you will have the opportunity to object through your lawyer if the discovery is irrelevant or otherwise inappropriate. So long as your accounts are properly secured I do not think she could hack them, even through a PI, without risking herself to criminal liabili…
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/24 04:34 PM
2

Any time.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 10:20 PM
2

Thanks, I really appreciate the perspective. I’m glad to hear that for your situation. My ex has tried to alienate them from me and even explicitly threatened to do that before we separated as a way to control me during the marriage. We are splitting 50/50 so am focusing on behind a good dad like you said, showing them that they are loved and reaffirming their joy when we are together, and that’s my way to counteract any poison from my ex and her family.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 10:19 PM
1

Curious when you got the kids? Was it when they were teenagers? Right now my kids are little and while I have a great relationship with them I can see them subject to manipulation still from my ex. Do they get wiser to that as they get older?
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 10:06 PM
2

I’d say it depends on how bad the situation is. I wouldn’t have done it if I could salvage the situation. But she wasn’t open to counseling and she physically assaulted me in front of the kids so I had no choice. If you’ve exhausted all avenues then you can proceed without regrets. In all, I was in a toxic and abusive relationship and it was not healthy for the kids. I’ve created a happy and safe environment for them and myself and my ex knows I will protect them if she does anything inappropria…
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 10:04 PM
1

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I agree with the comment above that you shouldn’t base your actions on what you fear she might do. If you get 50/50 on an interim basis and she makes threats you will be better positioned to deal with them regardless. One step at a time. The first step is for you to be with your kids asap.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 07:52 PM
4

I think it is toughness to go through it while recognizing the anguish. Like getting surgery without anesthesia. I think doing what is right for you and the kids while feeling the pain is a sign of strength not weakness.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 12:53 PM
1

Talk to lawyer but worst case outcome seems like you’d be in violation of a court order, which can have many bad outcomes including general loss of credibility and financial consequences including liability for legal fees if she were to move for contempt. If you cannot afford it any more talk to lawyer for change in circumstances. You could file a motion for interim relief without having to wait for a trial. But as a general matter you need relief from the court if you are under court order to d…
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 07:46 PM
1

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I totally commiserate. Finding a good therapist and lawyer is important. Beyond that, this forum has been really helpful for me. I’m two years into my divorce so have worked through a lot of issues and am happy to provide whatever guidance or be a sounding board if I can.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 07:10 PM
1

Consult lawyer but yeah don’t see why she wouldn’t have a right to access the house as she pleases absent a court order to the contrary. Once you file you can reach agreement on temporary order making clear the parties’ respective rights. I would not engage in self help without consulting a lawyer bc you could then be accused of behavior in violation of her rights and she will portray you as the aggressor, vindictive, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 06:08 PM
2

Talk to lawyer but in my jurisdiction alimony is pegged to the duration of the marriage. So the longer you wait the higher your likely liability on that front.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 02:24 PM
5

My wife was my first and only true love. Once it was clear how abusive she was, I disassociated the person she became from the woman I thought I loved. I grieved for that person. It took time and help from a therapist. But once I came to terms with the dissociation I had no feelings for my abusive ex and missed nothing about the pain she caused me and how she tried to make me feel about myself.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 03:09 AM
2

Thanks for that. I’m sorry for what you’re going through and what you’ve been through. That’s awful. I wish I recognized the situation sooner too but I console myself with the thought that if things didn’t happen exactly as they did I wouldn’t have my two kids. So I try to look forward and not backwards - where do we go from here - but it’s not easy.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 03:00 AM
5

Yes. Classic traits of borderline with toxic narcissism. There is nothing to fix it if she’s unwilling to recognize the problem. The abuse kept escalating until it culminated in its logical conclusion of a physical assault in front of the kids. Get out and document what you can when you can if there is no return.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/24 07:16 PM
3

Maybe see if she’s open to counseling? If she says no then you’ll know for sure there’s no return and exhausted all avenues. I’m sorry. I also grieved when I could not recognize the woman I was married to from the woman I thought I married.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/24 07:07 PM
1

First of all I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I understand the pain. As a legal matter, I can’t advise on CA law but as a general matter and based on my experience custody can be reevealuated based on a change in circumstances. So if this is a bona fide change and is hurting the kids I would imagine that is a basis for revisiting the split. CA would need to give TX full faith and credit but doesn’t mean it couldn’t act consistently with TX law if this is what TX law allows.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/24 06:51 PM
1

I do not know Florida law but as a general matter there’s an important distinction between pre-marital and marital assets. If the house is considered pre-marital it may not be subject to equitable distribution. Even if it is marital, if you contributed significant amounts pre-marital you may be entitled to a disproportionate share of the distribution (for example, 70/30). This came up in my divorce. Just want to arm you with questions for your lawyer bc mine may not have been sensitized to the e…
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/24 03:22 PM
1

I’m planning to get a mortgage loan to buy her out. This is the home the kids grew up in. I want it for their stability and it maintains their eligibility for the school.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/24 01:59 AM
3

I hear you. I often feel the same way. It’s been two years since my separation from an abusive ex. I’m meeting no other divorced dads around so feel like an island unto myself. I just try to take one day at a time, write off the really bad days and hope the next one is better. Just gotta keep trying and push yourself to do things you wouldn’t otherwise do and hope it will get better. Venting here and knowing you’re not alone even if you might feel that way helps.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/24 06:53 PM
1

I expected it so wrote them off. Of course would have preferred to remain amicable but when they acted otherwise was mentally prepared. Work on developing your own network instead.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/24 06:18 AM
7

I’m sorry man. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire. If you claim she is hiding income why haven’t you issued discovery or subpoenaed where the income is hidden? Motions are fine but evidence is what’s key. Motions can be a waste if not substantiated. Maybe have a conversation with your lawyer about whether you’ve properly gathered all the evidence. If she’s asked for a continuance based on failure to produce there may be an opening for you to obtain more evidence if your lawyer hasn’t iss…
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/24 06:11 AM
11

I often think of that. How were we brainwashed to believe that shit? Abuse is never ok - selfish, disrespectful demands are not ok - but somehow we were socially conditioned to put up with it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/24 05:57 AM
10

So true. Should have seen the writing on the wall when she got pissed at me for watching my team in the Super Bowl when I hadn’t watched football all year and just wanted to enjoy one damn game. Nope, everything on her terms or there was hell to pay.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/24 05:54 AM
6

I’m sorry for your situation. I feel for you. If she is open to counseling I would do it. Divorce is a terrible thing to have to go through but necessary if it comes to it. But I’d exhaust all avenues first. That way you’ll know you’ve tried. If she’s sincere and is open to recognizing she has a problem it might help. If not then you tried. I filed for divorce but only after she refused counseling and after I was left with no choice. I am much happier but not happy. It has not been a pleasant ex…
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/24 01:44 AM
2

Yeah have little interest after what I’ve been through. So many negative associations. Feel like it would be very hard to trust again.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/24 01:38 AM
1

Where did you find the meetup groups? What would you recommend?
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/24 03:38 AM
1

I can totally understand that. Thanks for the perspective. Yeah would definitely feel good to be in a relationship, even just a casual one, where I’d feel valued and not treated like shit.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/24 03:11 AM
2

Thanks for the thoughtful reply. I’m two years separated and think of dating at this point just to combat loneliness, not really because I’m otherwise interested. But I will keep an open mind. Maybe still need more time to heal even though it’s been two years.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/24 03:08 AM
1

Thanks for the intro. Grateful for this space. But why push number 4? I find it hard to trust let alone love again after the trauma I’ve been through. Although I cared deeply for other girls, my ex was my first and only love and she was emotionally and physically abusive. It all abruptly ended after she was arrested and criminally charged for assaulting me in front of my kids. Can there not be happiness, contentment, and hope without another relationship?
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 10:33 PM
1

That’s exactly what I used to tell people: that in trying to meet her unreasonable expectations I lost myself. Once it was over I felt like that horse lord dude in lord of the rings once the white wizard took the curse off (sorry for any lotr fans, I love the movies but am not invested enough to remember names). Reconnected with myself and family and friends I was cut off from. Still challenging now with the divorce dragging on but different kinds of challenges. Whenever I get down I compare it …
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 05:20 PM
2

Wow, describes exactly what I had to deal with.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 01:47 AM
3

Totally agree with the title of the thread. Getting divorced in NJ. I was a faithful, supportive husband, gave her a beautiful life and two wonderful kids. In return she was abusive and it all culminated in her getting arrested for assaulting me in front of my two kids. Now I’m bleeding through life savings just to get divorced. How is that not a fucked up system. Don’t remarry. Why subject yourself to that risk.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/24 04:01 AM
6

So sorry you’re going through this. I’m two years into a divorce (still trying to finalize) from a toxic and abusive relationship. It ended abruptly when she was arrested and charged with aggravated assault for assaulting me in front of my two kids. So yeah, some fucked up shit. Two thoughts that help me get through it all, one for the past and one for the present. For the past: if it weren’t for my ex, I wouldn’t have the best things in my life, which are my two kids. So no regrets. Any resentm…
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/24 03:43 AM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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