“He’s a good man, but…”

Odd-Zone-2635 · 2025-11-30T18:15:37+00:00

I know exactly what you mean by the "cult documentary" feeling. You're not being paranoid; you're just observing a standardized, emotionally immature defense mechanism in action. The rage is 100% justified.

The key to unlocking the strategic meaning of the "He’s a good man, but…" statement is to realize it’s not a compliment; it’s a guilt-displacement tool.

What the Phrase Really Means:

It Avoids Accountability: She gets to say, "The problem isn't that I checked out/cheated/avoided conflict; the problem is simply that we weren't compatible," which protects her from shame.

It Shifts the Burden: By saying you're "good but not good enough," she implies a fundamental, unfixable deficiency in you that justifies her decision to walk away.

It Kills Guilt: If she said you were a horrible person, she'd have to feel bad about the marriage. If she admits you were a great husband, she'd feel bad about leaving. The "good but..." statement is the emotional safety blanket that lets her avoid guilt.

You feel bitter because you operated in good faith in the marriage, and she exited using a bad faith narrative.

Hold onto that feeling of being "wiser." The intense sadness and anger are the price of admission to a higher level of maturity. You'll eventually shed the bitterness and realize that the wisdom you gained—the ability to spot this manipulative language a mile away—is the most valuable asset you walk away with. You earned that wisdom the hard way.

amayagab · 2025-11-24T19:30:18+00:00

Why are you acting like cheating is a new thing when it's been the same forever?

Ok-Guidance6491 · 2025-11-22T16:58:46+00:00

Cult documentary. Perfectly said.

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2025-11-22T13:32:09+00:00

If a woman cheats, she does not love the man she cheated on, full stop.

After_Spring8206 · 2025-11-21T14:15:57+00:00

The vast majority of women are divorcing out of boredom or they have a new guy lined up. Maybe they got the greencard/house/pension and want to "eat pray love" now. Its rare they're doing it because their marriage really is untenable. And in certain circles ( as you found out last night) they admit as much.

conceptcreature3D · 2025-11-21T21:13:53+00:00

You’ve already spent more time and energy trying to figure them out than I ever did. I don’t know what you gained from putting yourself through that, especially since the wound hasn’t healed yet

KentuckyWildcats12 · 2025-11-21T18:31:14+00:00

There is no accountability at all

Tvelt17 · 2025-11-21T18:12:10+00:00

I was also a "good man, but..."

I don't regret my marriage. We had a good run and I got my 2 favorite people out of it (my kids). We didn't really go down in flames, though. We just got to the end of the road. Honestly, I'm a lot better off now.

HotCut100 · 2025-11-21T18:07:38+00:00

I HATE that this is the common narrative. Primary earner, got us a house, her a new car (twice) on my credit, pushed and supported her to get out of her job and get advanced education and certifications. And starting after that we agreed to prioritize her career and I would take majority of parenting duties. Chores were divided up even.

And then, I overhear “I love him but am not IN love with him.” Nothing I did made her budge. Was not receptive to any efforts ranging from small like dates to large, like intensive weekend counseling retreats with national experts. It didn’t make sense until I put together the case that she was cheating.

The language you use is almost verbatim. I have great disdain in washing away an entire generation but I have significant difficulty arguing that the problem is NOT a supermajority of women, at least in the U.S. It is sad for us, for them, and the children they are harming even if they excuse it by saying “kids are resilient” or some such other BS.

broakie212 · 2025-11-21T15:10:58+00:00

A woman is only loyal to her emotions, that should tell you there is zero rationality in making long term decisions. They think in the moment and allow emotions to steer the boat.

Cautious-Young-2690 · 2025-11-21T17:55:38+00:00

It's social media, it's ruined all of our lives. It makes these impossible comparisons that nobody can live upto; only the best version of everyone's life (some people post the bad stuff, but we all see them as hopeless wrecks, you know im right).

As far as the advice of not getting married in this generation? Dont get married at all; shack up with someone, fall in love, have kids, do all of that, its all great. Dont sign a contract with someone forcing you to stay in a relationship no matter what. Its stupid and out dated.

r007r · 2025-11-21T17:08:14+00:00

I will never get married again without a prenup and a clean exit strategy. This game is rigged.

probebeta · 2025-11-21T16:51:47+00:00

Good advice. If you don't give them time and commitment you're the better option. So just keep at that, and it's way better than cohabitating and pretending marriage is the way to go. It doesn't seem to be 😅

Become_Pneuma · 2025-11-21T16:49:58+00:00

Another classic case. Social media has created a false illusion that anything less than a 100% perfect and exciting marriage is grounds for blowing up a family. Women have zero loyalty and accountability anymore. Self-absorbed and entitled. Perpetual victimhood. Keep your heads on a swivel out there boys.

malsell · 2025-11-21T15:18:34+00:00

My ex would constantly downplay anything that was not done directly for her. Working overtime...that was more time I should have been with her. Change the oil in the cars...I could have been doing laundry. Replace the brakes on her car...I could have been doing the dishes. I talk to a co-worker about issues, that's emotional cheating...she does the same and that's "just a friend". So glad to be out of that relationship.

hans42x · 2025-11-21T15:15:53+00:00

Sounds eeriely familiar

Eric_C_Productions · 2025-11-21T14:37:02+00:00

Sounds like something my ex-wife would say. "You have your moments of being a good provider, but you still suck as a dad, husband and human being..." or "Your hair looks fine but you still look ugly" (Ex would say that when I was getting ready to go to work) There is always that "But" when wives would give that "compliment/insult" in the same breath.

Ok-Cause1108 · 2025-11-21T14:23:32+00:00

Once a woman falls out of love with you the relationship is over. The classy thing to do would be for her to file for a divorce and then move on (and this is what most women do), but 15% or so will end up staying in the marriage (usually for the kids) and will cheat prior to a divorce.

I would not let these types of women live in your head rent free and scare you off from future marriage if that is what you want.

Take this time to learn about women, how they communicate (certainly not directly), and what their needs are. Once you figure them out and what they need for them to stay in love with you then you can stay married as long as you want to. A woman who is into her man is more loyal than a golden retriever.

Ravennole · 2025-11-21T14:21:49+00:00

Blanket “don’t get married” by men is just as bad as the “get divorced so you can upgrade” advice from women. The fact is, there are bad men and bad women. Men do not do a good enough job of honestly assessing red flags.

Excessive social media use, constantly comparing herself (or you or both as a couple) to others, envy over people doing better financially and when a woman settles for you (this might not always be obvious but often is) are red flags many men ignore.

How many of these divorces happen where none of the guys friends didn’t see red flags?

Too often men go after women based on looks or an aspirational (but untrue) vision of the woman.

Just don’t marry someone who is untrustworthy or doesn’t share your moral values.

Nervous-Alfalfa8416 · 2025-11-21T13:32:14+00:00

Yep, nothing seems to mean anything to women like this. And I sat there slack jawed as my partner of 26 years turned into one of them. I will never trust someone again and the idea of another long term relationship seems like absolute fantasy now. You build something together, create precious security , intertwine you lives and suddenly they treat you like something they stood in. It's unhinged.

Factastical · 2025-11-21T13:03:41+00:00

Marriage rates fell like a rock. The concept of starting a family has been relegated to just fucking around and finding out. The government will need to change but it won't. Divorce is super profitable. Since marriage rates are down, they answer the ever declining contracts by creating the silver bullet process. Imagine 2 people getting divorced with "the best interests of the kids" being the prime directive. While at the same time, the wife is shown again and again that she can make it real difficult for the man she lied to and cheated on, by just filing false reports. All allowed with total impunity. Why do we think lying in an official report or affidavit is not punished? Would women lie and escalate litigation if they could be punished for it? Would divorce be as profitable if lying was illegal?

ImpermanentSelf · 2025-11-21T12:13:37+00:00

Women have the lowest self reported happiness in generations. Their friends and social media tell them many things, among them is that if they aren’t happy it’s their husband’s fault. (Also they would be happy if they had a career instead of being mothers, most all advertising is aimed at women because women are more likely to buy things they think will make them happy, etc).

Anyway… the women cheat or divorce, if they are young enough the cycle repeats, until they eventually go from being unhappy married women to unhappy winos or cat moms. Women over 40 have the highest rate of anti depressants usage. The best part is they tell everyone of their friends and social media how happy they are, they don’t want anyone to know how miserable they are as the result of their own actions, that would look like accountability.

Most of the women weren’t happy with themselves to begin with. Look for women that are already happy, truly happy not faking. Its the unhappy women that expect the world, especially their husbands, to make them happy that are a trap.

rb5775 · 2025-11-21T11:52:53+00:00

Rationalization is a powerful thing. As pointed out here in the comments, some women have made children a cottage industry. I've seen women collecting money from as many as 3 different men. I just stay away from them now.

Midlife_Vic3s · 2025-11-22T16:06:52+00:00

Receptionist: How do you write women so well?

Melvin Udall: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.

DesertCool500 · 2025-12-20T21:33:49+00:00

Stop getting married but men are too delusional and egotistical to heed this warning ⛔️. Divorce court will always set them straight

Alternative-Text5897 · 2025-11-21T16:30:34+00:00

You're analysing womyn from a logical/man's perspective -- first mistake.

2nd mistake---not realizing womyn just think off of emotions (whatever gives them the tingles/butterflies in the moment they go with -- another reason you see all those hyper femmeinists out there getting butterfly tats these days).

But yeah, don't get married. Or do and ignore the stats that contradict the supposed stats that divorce rates are dropping since the 2000s, lol

Slight_Challenge_405 · 2025-11-24T13:15:34+00:00

"goals and ambition, is intelligent, trustworthy, a provider, supportive, considerate, kind, assertive, masculine, honest, faithful, intentional, has a healthy self-esteem and a sense of humour, loves to go out, and likes fitness."

In his post history this is the unreasonable list of qualities that women want in men. The majority of this list is just being a good person.

Odd-Zone-2635 · 2025-11-30T18:12:54+00:00

This reply validates his pain while providing a clear, strategic interpretation of the manipulative language, helping him move past the bitterness and focus on the wisdom gained.

InfamousAd2011 · 2025-11-21T11:31:48+00:00

I'll tell you what it is but you wont believe me. Its a ritual spell. Jack Parsons and the US government decided to summon an ancient Babylon diety many years ago. It worked. Alot of women are possessed with the frequency of this demon. The research is all there follow what happens after that spell and all the events. If we continue down this road we are all done seriously think demons walking the earth done.

FirelineJake · 2025-11-21T11:16:10+00:00

You didn’t lose because you weren’t enough, you lost because she wasn’t honest with herself. Heal first, trust later, the bitterness fades, the wisdom stays.

Available_Clock_2922 · 2025-11-21T07:47:03+00:00

I have a similar view, but…

I was watching a podcast, whatever.

I was eating at a popular chain restaurant and I ended up chatting with a woman and man that were guests on the podcast. The podcast talks a lot on the modern woman, first world problems.

I am five years divorced. She said the same things to me. The relationship was great, but there was something I wasn’t giving her. I work a lot, and have a small family. I only have myself to give, and I am not the friendliest, good to the bone though, funny, all the same things the new dude is lol plus I’m smart.

The couple were telling me that I have no chance of meeting a woman in any modern country.

If you’re ugly, try the Philippines for a woman. If you are attractive, you can go to Mexico City. Lucky for me, I am a handsome man, hermoso. I am currently dating a Mexican woman. It’s nice talking to someone that you can trust has a undistorted world view.

She might go a little crazy if we broke up lol

It’s the internet. It makes them think they are world renowned for their beauty and opinions. It makes them think they are too good for anyone. They become so high on themselves.

My opinion, it’s also dating culture. They date men that are egotistical serial daters, very vocally entertaining men, but that’s it. They, themselves, incapable of offering the same in return.

Rant ended… she doesn’t mind the occasional Marlboro Rojo.

thraxx171 · 2025-11-21T07:39:05+00:00

Marriage isn’t the lifelong deal it used to be, and divorce today is brutally expensive and emotionally draining. Add mid life crises and menopause into the mix, and the volatility only increases.
From a risk-return standpoint, a lot of men see marriage as offering little upside and far more downside statistically, it is riskier than going all in on the table at a casino.

Relevant_Trick1700 · 2025-11-21T07:29:01+00:00

Women today confuse me. My ex-wife got mad at me because I told her she was too good to be working at Bombshells. Her mom is a nurse. Her stepdad is a boiler operator. Her mom worked a tough job, used government assistance programs, went to nursing school, and raised three daughters on her own after leaving an abusive husband. That’s real grit a primal determination to survive and build a better life for your kids.

She didn’t choose the easy route. She didn’t shake her ass for cash or use her body for quick money. She built something real. And yes, her stepdad eventually came in and helped lighten the load, but the point stands: her mom earned her life.

So I told my ex, “Look at everything your mom went through so you could have more opportunities than she ever did. You’re becoming a nurse like her. You have me supporting you. You have my family supporting you. All you have to do is focus on school, but instead you want to throw all of that away just to degrade yourself for creepy men, hoping they throw you a dollar because your skirt is so short your whole ass is out?”

And it wasn’t about survival money either she just wanted extra spending cash to ‘help around the house.’ Meanwhile, I told her straight:

“I’ll handle the bills. I’ll take extra shifts if we need more income. That’s my role. You don’t need to disrespect yourself to make side money.”

And the part that really got me is this: After hyping her up, after telling her she was too smart, too beautiful, and too valuable to go against her own morals somehow I became the bad guy.

I told her:

“Those places feed men the idea that your body is only sexual. You are worth more than that. Your family endured hell so you wouldn’t have to do that. You have me and my family supporting you relentlessly so you DON’T have to do that. I would rather die than see you degrade yourself like that because that’s how highly I saw you.”

Literally a husband putting his wife on a pedestal and somehow got turned out to be the bad guy lol anyway that’s one of many instances as to why we are now divorced 💀

rowman_nahledge · 2025-11-21T06:54:45+00:00

I told my oldest son (22) never get married and try hard to avoid having kids. Its brutal out there for us older guys i cant imagine the world now being that young.

vichyswazz · 2025-11-21T06:48:01+00:00

Baby boomers were the first ones called “the Me Generation” and ever since then society has dragged itself into selfishness and conceitedness. Its gross really. People are systemically taught to make their own demands and make no compromise, as if partnering with their spouse were negotiating with a terrorist.

Title	“He’s a good man, but…”
Author	LearnGrowExist
Upvotes	147
Comments	89
Date	November 21, 2025 6:42 AM UTC (8 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1p2ro0j/hes_a_good_man_but/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/hes-a-good-man-but.1567036 https://theredarchive.com/post/1567036

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