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Tvelt17 Archive

View 0 posts and 174 comments by Tvelt17 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
3

It works if you do the work and have a good counselor. If you're just showing up and complaining and not doing any of the out of counseling steps, its not going to help. My counselor was fantastic. I could journal throughout the week and then we could talk through it. He could recommend books and exercises. We could discuss events that happened and how to handle them in the future. As far as couple's counseling, its the same. You both need to do the work for it to work. If she's already checked …
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/26 04:55 PM
0

How do you know what you'd have to pay in alimony? Instead of swining, maybe you guys should try some therapy. It's definitely cheaper than divorce and a good first step.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/26 07:25 PM
1

My ex-wife is sober, but I certainly would have had a drink with her after we completed the monumental task of filling out and filing all the paperwork for a few months (there was a waiting period). We both feel like we had a good run, though and just got to the end. It would be sort of a toast to the end of an era.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/26 02:24 PM
4

Don't interact with her. Do custody exchanges in a public place or drop off/pick up from school when available.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/26 12:56 PM
2

I have cats and I can confirm they definitely got me a few dates.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/26 07:41 PM
3

Just worry about yourself. Its easy to say, but you just need to worry about yourself. Her life is probably very ordinary. Fill that empty space with hobbies or go on dates and meet some women.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/26 06:43 PM
23

People in good marriages don't do this - she's going to divorce you regardless. Its going to be cheaper to pay for 1 kid instead of 2.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/26 05:15 PM
5

The open marriage request should have been the end. Hopefully that's the lesson you took from all of this.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/26 01:27 PM
5

Entirely common. Everyone goes through this and you're not alone. Best advice I have is to get into things you enjoy doing. Joining an adult sports league, or pool, or bowling, or something like that will help you meet people in an organized way. Learning new skills can help you take your mind off of it. I highly recommend pickup up a guitar. Your goal should be new routines with healthy outlets.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/26 05:33 PM
1

Definitely does.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/26 04:47 PM
1

They have kids, they can't really go no contact.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/26 04:47 PM
3

So, it sounds like she's done. I'm going to tell you from experience that you can't fix it alone and you're probably better off splitting up without some big meltdown. Maybe that ship has sailed, but if you can give each other the grace and understanding that you had a good run, but its over now and time to move on, you'll both be better off as will your kids. Have the talk where you, the man, agree to it. As best as you can, discuss without emotions what that split looks like including division…
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/26 04:46 PM
1

You kind of sound like a more extreme version of where my ex-wife and I were. By the time we were 38, those 20 year old kids weren't really the same anymore. There's some tough conversations to have, and the two of you can choose to be together every day and find things in common or develop that, but its work on both your ends. Neither one of you can do it alone. If you're both not 100% on board with working it out (and probably doing a lot of work with a good therapist), then it might benefit b…
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/26 12:55 PM
8

Maybe. Maybe you guys would have had a great life and been together forever. But you were both really young. Maybe you both would have been way different people at 25 or so and gone your separate ways. You don't really know. Its hard to say that you met "the one" at 18 and let her get away. I don't know anyone who is the same person they were when they were 18.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 12:45 PM
6

Hey man, at least you tried. After 3 divorces, its probably time to cut out the whole marriage thing.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 12:13 PM
3

Normally, I'd just say ignore her, but if she's telling the kids you made her suffer, I feel like all bets are off. Don't degrade her to them, but they should probably know the truth.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/26 02:03 PM
2

If you're in the middle of a bad divorce, get a good attorney. AI will just get you raked over the coals.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 08:09 PM
3

OK a few things. First, of all, no, I don't think you will get full custody of your sons. Next, re-read what you said. You pushed your pregnant wife AND decided to flip out on her? Sure, she could have handled your question better, but she's pregnant. Her emotions are all over the place. You're not fucking pregnant. It sounds like you both need some therapy. You most of all. Even your retelling of the facts make you sound like a monster.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/26 04:00 PM
3

You didn't grieve. That's just how it goes sometimes. You gotta do the work. Therapy helps. It takes effort.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/26 01:20 PM
19

The point of divorce is moving on. Its been 3 years, her life with whomever she moved on with is kinda her business. It sucks that she told you on father's day. Probably to hurt you. That being said, the pregnancy isn't your concern. You need to work on grieving your marriage and get past that. Her moving 180 miles away is your concern when you share a kid. That should be what your focus is.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 11:58 AM
14

Her fighting is only going to get lawyers paid and both of you poorer. Conflict is expensive.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 03:55 AM
1

She at least followed the correct order of operations. My ex waited a few months, but that's still fucked up.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 03:52 AM
7

Dude... You're not really ready to date. This is why people think the dating market is trash. Its been 3 weeks and you've had 3 dates already and getting lots of connections and you're losing hope? You're getting a date a week as a legally married man. What is there to lose hope over? Your expectations are wrong.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 03:30 PM
2

This is the advice to heed. You're not going to be able to control where she lives or who she lives with. You need to get over that. Get what she wants in writing and get it signed and filed ASAP. Talk to your attorney when he gets back and get it in writing. You need to put your ego aside when it comes to the legal stuff here. She's handing you a massive win.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 03:12 PM
6

Does he want more kids? That's the real question. Clearly his wife doesn't. A vasectomy is an easier surgery than the female eqivalent (although even that's not bad anymore). I dunno, man, I think he's seeing this from the wrong angle. A vasectomy is like a superpower.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 12:27 PM
7

I could have written this sentence 3.5 years ago. She's probably been thinking about this for a long time, so its not new to her. I have 3 pieces of advice. Do what you can to try to save it - suggest therapy. Seek personal improvement, but don't beg or plead with her to stay. Don't fight it too hard. If she shoots down the idea of therapy or it doesn't go anywhere, let it go. You can't fix the marriage on your own. Conflict is expensive and will hurt you, your wife, and your daughter in the lon…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 02:06 PM
2

It depends on the state. You may not have to give her half of everything if you weren't married very long. Talk to an attorney and see what will be required.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/26 08:37 PM
2

We waited about 3 months before introducing the kids casually at a softball game. It was probably like 5 or so months before my now fiancee and my kids saw each other on a regular basis. Its been 3 years now, which is more than 25% of their lives, so she's basically like family to them now. I don't think there's a magic timeline, just be gradual and make interactions when the timing seems right.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/26 12:53 PM
4

Is this pat of the moving on process? Yes, absolutely. Are drunk hookups a bad idea? Probably... at least at this stage. Best advice is to take it slow and try not to rush anything. There's nothing wrong with getting attention at a club or some casual dates. Once you feel ready and you don't feel like your ex-wife is always on your mind in these situations, you'll be able to make the right decisions. It takes time to get over her, but getting back out there casually is a good step and pretty hel…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/26 12:25 PM
5

Cut the booze - its a downer and its only going to drag you down. I love a drink, but I took about 4 or so months off just to get my head right. Journal, Exercise, and therapy. I know it sounds cliche', but it really works. Casual dating when you're ready also can be really good for recovery.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 04:28 PM
1

Did you have a lawyer 5 years ago?
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/26 03:20 PM
7

If she has a lawyer and you don't, you can't afford to not have a lawyer. Take out a credit card or something. DO NOT walk in there without a lawyer when she has one.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 01:56 AM
8

Abuse victims aside, divorce can only be best looked at as a setback. Most of us are just trying to survive it and get back to some semblance of what is normal.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 04:10 PM
1

Who is on a 10 year repayment plan? Do you even understand how student debt works? Just get on IBR and deal with it like everyone else.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/26 02:26 PM
3

So it depends... Does she intend for you to save her financially? Everyone in their 30s has student debt. 100k is a lot, but not abnormal. There's a lot of programs that will get you on income-based payments. I think you might be overreacting slightly. Now if it was 100k in credit card debt and she's carring designer bags and driving a leased luxury vehicle, that might be a problem, but student debt is just a reality for people our age and it got more expensive, so her degree cost more than your…
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/26 02:12 PM
1

I'm sorry if I came off a little harshly. "I feel horrible about it. I believe she deserves someone who can love her more fully, and I deserve to be with someone who I don’t feel that constant clash with." "That means possibly never loving someone and completely and fully as I know I can.” Those 2 lines specifically are a little fairytale. It takes a lot of work and compromise on both ends to get to that flow state and you need to be constantly recorrecting to stay there. You're talking about th…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 04:58 PM
3

I still see them at the kid's games. We're cool. Sometimes I see them on holidays. They treated me like a son for 18 years and they're the grandparents of my kids. They're still family.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 01:23 PM
3

There's no magic person for each other. Either you both are comitted to working on the relationship and you work together to make it good, or you don't and it falls apart. Your post has a lot of tropes and fairytale nonsense that I won't really address, but you're being very whimsical about it. If you're not both committed to making the relationship work, then you should end it. Its as simple as that. She can't do it alone and neither can you.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 01:08 PM
3

Realistically, she had been moving on for awhile. It was all fresh to you, but she had been thinking about it for a long time. A year seems pretty reasonable.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 02:22 PM
5

Yeah I started dating like 6 months after separation. It helped the healing process more than anything. Started slowly at first, but met the girl of my dreams after awhile. We're engaged now.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 01:43 PM
4

It takes time. I stopped missing my ex-wife when I moved on. It kinda clicked that it was more the companionship that I was missing rather than her, specifically. I'd venture a guess to say that you just miss having a person as opposed to missing your ex wife. You might miss who she used to be, but that's not who she is anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 08:08 PM
2

I help the kids pick stuff out for her. My kids are 10 and 12, so its a little different and we split on good terms, but I want them to see how their father treats their mother. Its not about me. She does get me stuff for father's day, my birthday, and Christmas from them, too, but I don't really care if she does or not. Its more showing the kids that even if a relationship doesn't work out, you don't have to hate each other.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 12:35 AM
1

Its different for everyone, but I don't think there's anything wrong with casual dating. It helped me heal. Attention from other women was a nice self-esteem boost when I needed it, and I met some nice people. It also felt like a good warm up. I did eventually meet my now fiancee and she absolutely knocked me off my feet. We've been together almost 3 years now and I find new reasons to fall in love with her all over again every day. You gotta start somewhere. I definitely dabbled and deleted the…
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 07:54 PM
4

Honestly, I don't see my divorce as either of our faults. We spent 18 good years together, but we got together super young. We just weren't the same people anymore. I was willing to work on it, but she wanted to move on. Our split was amicable and we're still very good friends and we co-parent very well. She's still family, we're just not romantic and that's OK. We've both moved on with great people.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 07:43 PM
3

I was really glad that I worked from home.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 06:10 PM
4

Probably best to not let your imagination run wild. Cohabitating while being "broken up" but still going through the divorce process is the hardest part. Sounds like you need some separation. I'd try to get her out as soon as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 12:32 PM
–

I feel this. I am default parent #1. It comes with its perks, because my kids come to me first when they need or want something, but I'd also love to not be the primary contact for all sports for like 1 season.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/26 02:07 PM
5

You didn't "waste 13 years of your life" you spent them with someone you loved. Just because something ends doesn't mean it wasn't good. Having a stroke changes people. She took care of you, but sometimes you get to the end and that's OK. I think its a sign of maturity to be able to just amicably split up once whatever works doesn't work anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/26 01:56 PM
3

You're going to want to work with your lawyer and come up with an even 50/50 split and fight for that. Most courts are looking to give everyone 50/50. If you come in with a fair offer and her offer is off the wall, the court will likely side with you. Conflict is expensive, though.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/26 01:28 PM
5

That's why she's your ex-wife. Move on, dude. You can be friendly with her, especially if you have kids, but you gotta let those romantic feelings go.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/26 01:24 PM
5

Its no so much about forgetting as it is about forgiving and moving on. Whatever that looks like to you is what you need to work towards.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/26 01:09 PM
9

Dude...
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/26 02:18 PM
1

Remember - Alcohol is a downer and you're probably down enough at the moment. You'll get through this.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/26 12:44 PM
3

"I'm sorry to hear that."
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/26 03:22 AM
3

Its this. At your age its a green flag that the reason you're single now is that you were in a long term relationship and it just didn't work out. It shows that you're mature and you have your ducks in a row.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 12:41 PM
1

If its that contencious, do you have a trusted 3rd party who could do it? Your mom maybe? Otherwise, do it at a police station.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 08:37 PM
1

Why are you miserable? If she's a SAHM you're going to be on the hook for a lot. Because you have kids with her - and small kids at that - you may not be doing anything other than making your life even worse/more complicated than it is right now. Is therapy an option? Having little kids is hard and you may be able to work through it and come out happier together. I'm not trying to force you to stay in a bad marriage, but its worth trying to keep it together and make it better.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 11:22 AM
1

Depends on the state. Generally you just need to be able to show that you're better equipped to take care of the child full-time.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 11:39 PM
2

That sucks. I watched my buddy's now ex-wife dump it on him and their oldest daughter for like a decade before they split. I used to call her out to her face and she'd basically go non-verbal until I left.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 03:53 PM
2

Mine did not, but I have a close friend who went through divorce around the same time I did. I never liked his wife - she always seemed fake. She likes to make passive aggressive posts for sympathy a couple of times a year crying poor about how he doesn't pay enough child support before she goes on a lavish vacation for a few weeks at a time.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 03:35 PM
1

I had harder times at night. Try to have something to do in the morning to focus on. It can be as simple as a workout or a coffee routine.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 12:43 PM
3

You almost need something blatant like drug or alcohol abuse or an upcoming prison sentence. Primary custody is a little easier to fight for.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 12:42 PM
3

You don't avoid those feelings, you feel them and do your best. Use them to motivate you to get the process moving along quicker. Talk to an attorney ASAP on what your rights are and what you're going to be entitled to. She's making you uncomfortable in your own home on purpose, there's no reason you can't speak up about that when she does it. Things like "you're so disrespectuful doing that in our house" "Does he know you're still married?" "What would your children think if they knew what you …
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/26 07:08 PM
2

I would direct you to an attorney. If she's physically violent and verbally abusive, document that and record it if you can. Regardless of your part in this, you don't deserve that. Protect yourself legally and get a good attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/26 03:53 PM
2

Its this. Vehicle values are probably the least important thing in a divorce. Giving her the higher value asset just gives you leverage over something that you care about more when you go to split things.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/26 03:41 PM
1

I'm not sure why Reddit didn't give me the notification, but yes it gets much better as time goes on. Its hardest at first. The anxiety of her moving on hits like a truck even if you are logically OK with it. I can only describe it as feeling like something was ripped out of me. Weirdly enough, for me, it was sort of like ripping the bandaid off. Therapy helps and separation helps. Cohabitating was the WORST part. It feels like an open wound that just will not start to heal. It helped me to stay…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 04:57 PM
1

Hey man - I was where you are like 3.5ish years ago. Tried everything, but she was done. Best piece of advice I can give you in the beginning is DO NOT MOVE OUT WITHOUT A SEPARATION AGREEMENT. If at all possible, don't move out if you don't want to. She wants the divorce, she can leave. I was very up front with my ex-wife. I told her I wasn't moving out and I wouldn't settle for less than 50/50 custody with the kids. My ex was actually pretty agreeable to those terms and I let her take whatever …
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 08:32 PM
2

I'm not a divorce lawyer, but that doesn't sound very plausible unless there's some state law or loophole in AZ. Generally, a house with both spouses' names on the deed is generally considered marital property. It is typically subject to equitable distribution in a divorce, regardless of who paid the down payment or mortgage, as it is viewed as a shared. Generally any money given to her during your marriage is marital property unless there's some other agreement that YOU signed off on.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 05:15 PM
1

My ex moved out - I let her have whatever she wanted. Couches and whatnot are easily replaceable and in my circumstance, I replaced with whatever I wanted. If you're moving out, take what fits.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 03:53 AM
0

I'm 3.5 years divorced. I still get stuff for the kids to give her on her Birthday, Mother's Day, & Christmas. We get along and co-parent well. She's a great mother to our kids, so I don't see anything wrong with that. I think the answer is that "it depends" - I don't think its the end of the world if you do get a gift, but I don't think you're necessarily obligated to. Maybe something small and thoughtful.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 05:22 PM
1

The Chase Freedom Unlimited gave me $200 cash back when I spent like $500 or something low like that and gives me 3% back on restaurant and food purchases which is primarily what I used the card for. In another year or so I'll close this and open a different one for a new promo.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 03:38 PM
3

Lawyer up immediately. You can tell her or don't tell her, whichever you choose. Maybe ask the lawyer. Serve her first. Just do what you can to maintain your upper hand, especially with kids involved. Make sure your attorney works it into your agreement that she can't move the kids too far (if you don't get 50/50 custody - shoot for 50/50)
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 01:17 PM
3

You acted rationally. Sometimes, someone has to be the adult and say "we can't afford that." Maybe you could have been softer about it, but do you really want to walk on eggshells your whole life any time you don't want to make a major life change that she does want?
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 01:04 PM
1

Then you probably want an experienced lawyer. That's where the experience will serve you.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 07:26 PM
2

It depends on how high-conflict you expect your divorce to be. If its just a matter of numbers, anyone can work a spreadsheet, but if she intends on taking you for everything you're worth and taking the kids etc... you're going to want someone who knows what they're doing.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 05:33 PM
3

Your perception wasn't reality. The first few days feel like walking through a flasbang grenade. Time will reveal and heal the wounds. Do the work. Go to therapy. Grey rock her.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 02:27 AM
3

I went for about 5 or 6 months. If you're not getting anything out of it, I think its fine to stop or switch therapists.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 01:10 PM
1

I was able to stop taking anxiety meds after my divorce was final and the dust settled. I'd been on SSRIs for like a decade previously. I won't blame it all on my ex-wife, as she's a good person and a great mom, but my mental health is so much better with her as more of a side character instead of part of the main cast.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 05:53 PM
1

Yeah, its probably more a reaction to your environment. Your brain was in panic mode during the end of your relationship and our fight or flight response is pretty dramatic under stress like that. You've removed the stressor, so to speak.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 05:29 PM
1

I'd maybe drop the kids off with someone and sit her down at a table.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 05:26 PM
2

I wouldn't really put a whole lot of faith in anyone pushing some kind of "attachment style" If you're in a stable, solid relationship based on trust and honesty, you're going to be pretty securely attached.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 04:55 PM
8

That whole first year is a massive struggle. The second year is much better, but also pretty tough. Year 3 is awesome, but you have to do the work in years 1 and 2 to get to year 3. Year 1 what really helped me was finding my evening routine and doing things that I otherwise wouldn't have done when I was married. Master Chef and some chips in bed were more theraputic thaan a I probably give them credit for. I tried to find things to look forward to, both big and small. I played rec indoor soccer…
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 04:44 PM
2

I think a clean break is a good thing. If you don't have any kids and you just want to be rid of her, I don't see any reason to keep them.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 08:55 PM
2

Why are you not pusing for 50/50? Gotta push for 50/50
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 03:09 PM
2

Why is it usually the best course of action? I don't think that's true. First... probably shouldn't quit your job. Its good to have things to do. You need to get yourself in order. Get your job and finances under control - focus on that. Seek some counseling to work through the emotional part.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 08:18 PM
1

Probably not. If you co-signed you're going to be held responsible.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 06:37 PM
4

Sometimes things that used to work don't work anymore and that can be OK.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/26 07:11 PM
11

DO NOT MOVE OUT Get a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 02:07 PM
1

There's tons of people who deal with pain issues and date successfully. As long as you're staying on top of it and you're upfront about it, most people will understand.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/26 03:12 PM
11

Do you have an attorney? If not, get one. Also - snap out of it. This woman doesn't love you, she was using you. She is not your friend. Those feelings you have aren't for her, it was for the person she was pretending to be. Get some therapy and do the work. Same places that do marriage counseling wil do individual divorce counseling.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/26 01:58 PM
2

Grounding is probably the best word for it. I kind of went in with an "I don't want this and I'm special and I can fix it" attitude, but shifted as the sessions went on.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 07:41 PM
2

I understand that your intentions were pure, but you gotta plan better. Leaving your phone and leaving with liquor and a rope is going to make anyone a little anxious, even if they know you. She knows that you're probably not having the best time with the separation - none of us do - and she was concerned for the safety of the father of her children. Next time, take your phone and let everyone know what you're doing. Ever see the episodes of Arrested Development about leaving notes? You gotta be…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 02:45 PM
3

Logistically, its a pain in the ass to change it. I don't know that I'd look much past that.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/26 01:41 PM
2

Its a tough situation and I absolutely feel for you, brother. I'm sorry you're in this spot, but we've all been there. I wish you the best, it sounds like you're doing the right thing. A year from now I hope you can look back and be like "look how far I've come, things are definitely getting better."
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 05:50 PM
2

Ups and downs are normal and you need to forgive yourself. Its good to hear that you tried and that your bond with your son is strong. Now you need to do the work to get over her. You can't maintain or fix a relationship by yourself. If she doesn't want to go, at least you asked. Now you need to work on you. The same places that offer marriage counseling will offer individual counseling for people going through a divorce. Get some appointments on the schedule. Whatever you can afford/think you n…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 05:19 PM
2

Couldn't have said it better myself. I'd give you 10 upvotes if I could.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 04:40 PM
2

I have a little bit of a different outlook, but I'm also not really on Facebook and didn't use it like that, so I don't have the same issues. I definitely recommend just dumping Facebook all together, its terrible for your mental health and the only people who still use it religiously are probably the worst people you know. I'm actually really happy that my marriage happened. I got my 2 favorite people out of it and once we got to the end of the road, that was it. Our split was amicable and once…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 02:31 PM
1

You need to talk to an attorney. If you're divorcing her because of abuse, she's not going to be nice to you when you serve her with papers. You may want to record the interaction when you serve her - talk to an attorney. Call now.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 05:14 PM
1

Looking at it from afar, here's what happened. You got together young. You're still young. You're not the only young man to have had anger issues, especially if you had a difficult childhood. The problem with that is, she's had enough. She put in her time and through a series of unfortunate events, she's done. Reading what you wrote, I'm not particularly surprised nor do I think she owes you anything. You shouldn't be mad at her. You should be happy that she gave you the time that she did. You n…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 03:41 PM
1

Not only does it get easier, it gets better. I often think of that old Louis C.K. skit about getting married, having kids, and then getting divorced.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 04:41 PM
3

First, its probably better to just not know things like that. What she does in her spare time isn't your business anymore. Second, you gotta do the work on yourself to create a stable foundation. How's your job? Living situation? Car? Do you have money to date? If any of that is lacking, work on that. Work on your mental health, too. If you're hung up on your ex, how would you ever expect to attract someone new? Gotta get over her. Third, just get back out there in whatever way you feel comforta…
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 05:07 PM
1

Military Benefits add a whole extra layer of complexity to all of this.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 04:48 PM
1

I tried to get her to go to counseling or talk to me about it at least for probably about 2 months off and on. After that, I helped her pack. If the answer is no, tell her she's gotta figure out how to move out. She wanted the divorce, its only fair if she moves out. You tried. Edit: I'm going to add Actually being part of the process of her moving really was sort of helpful to me. It was sad at first, but I even helped her look at apartments and gave my opinion on where the kids would stay when…
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 03:12 PM
2

Most women will see it as a green flag. You were able to commit once, it just didn't work out for some reason. Single people are single for a reason. The best reason is that you were in a long-term relationship and that didn't work out.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 01:55 PM
4

Yeah, clean break. My in-laws still go to games and I sit near them. I was basically their son for 18 years and we have no hard feelings, but its only about the kids. They're my kids grandparents and the kids love them to pieces. I encourage that. They're wonderful people, they deserve to maintain a strong relationship with their grandkids.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 02:59 AM
5

Life doesn't stop just because of paperwork. I wasn't looking for anything serious either as I was waiting for my final divorce papers to arrive and I still needed to refinance and pay my ex-wife out. A woman I found attractive asked me if I wanted to see her concert list. Long story short - she and I have been together 2.5 years and I asked her to marry me last month. You can't just plan things out - life is kind of random.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 08:11 PM
5

3.5 years out now. I reached out to my best friends immediately and they circled the wagons and supported me in ways I didn't expect. I went from feeling depressed and unloved, to immensely loved. I distinctly remember thinking "I can't let my friends down, I have to get over this and get back on my feet. They're counting on me and rooting for me." I can never repay them for the love and support they gave me, especially right at the beginning, but it made all the difference in the world. I'm als…
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 05:07 PM
1

Talk to an attorney, you can probably file with cause.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 09:06 PM
2

I had a lot of support, but ultimately I also had to push through. Therapy helped a ton. Same places that do marraige counseling do individual therapy for people going through divorce. As far as dating was concerned, I just didn't want to be alone anymore and focused on having fun. I just focused on one woman at a time and eventually found my now fiancee. Once she and I became serious, the way forward seemed clear. First it was to move her in (after we'd been together for over a year), then get …
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 08:56 PM
-1

She probably doesn't see it from your perspective. This is definitely something a relationship counselor can help with. You'll both have to put work in, though.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 07:15 PM
2

Had to have things to look forward to. Pro wrestling was new like 5 days a week. I went to a lot of concerts, and I joined an indoor soccer league so I always had a game to look forward to. When all else failed, there was always an NHL game to watch (at least during the season).
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 12:15 PM
1

Therapy. Friends. Adult sports leagues. Pro Wrestling and eventually dating.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 01:47 PM
4

For me it was about 6 weeks of constant and then on and off again for like 4 months after that. Therapy helped - the same places that do marriage counseling can help you get over your marriage. Getting settled in a new routine helped, too. I got back into playing guitar, joined an indoor soccer league, and pro wrestling was on most nights of the week. I tried to always have something to look forward to, even if it was just Raw or Smackdown. Went to a lot of concerts that summer. Eventually, the …
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 02:01 PM
5

Could the hormones be it? Yes, most likely, but not in a like "oh if she just takes her meds she'll love me again" kind of way. People change. Women especially. The amount of guys you'll meet who thought everything was fine and then they had a kid or 2 and boom, their wife asked for a divorce is staggering. My ex-wife and I tried really hard to make it work for about 7 years after we had our 2nd, but something changed in her. She just couldn't anymore. Once the dust settled, I didn't begrudge he…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 01:56 PM
0

Its definitely pay to win, but why would you get the service for free? I essentially tried it for free for a few weeks and realized it was the same dead profiles over and over again. Once I forked over $30 I was magically getting to see new profiles and I started getting matches. My psyche didn't feel damaged nor did I feel like it was "rough" it just seemed to work as intended once I paid, which makes sense, its a business. I met a lot of women. A lot of them just didn't have schedules that mat…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 01:37 PM
4

Worked fine for me a couple of years ago... I know plenty of friends who dating apps also worked for. You're kind of projecting here. If it smells like shit everywhere you go, check your shoe... or your pants.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 05:58 PM
5

You guys got them back? I told her to keep it an sell it.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 06:36 PM
1

You never know until you look. There's usually a pickup team. That's what I was on and we had a lot of fun.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 04:18 PM
2

I was in the same spot 3ish years ago or whatever. Therapy helped speed up the recovery process. Same places that will do couples counseling will generally also do 1 on 1 divorce/relationship counseling. I still had to do the work, but it helps to have someone guide you along the way, ya know?
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 04:12 PM
2

So, on the non-independent Mom thing... have you considered moving her to an assisted living facility closer to you? Is that an option? Both my parents are in good health and can drive, but they live about 40 min away from me and my siblings. I've already had conversations with them about downsizing and moving them closer to me and my sisters who live in the same city. While neither of them are ready for that, they've both conceded that when the time comes, they will be amicable. Hopefully I'm s…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 03:34 PM
1

Do you have any adult recreational sports leagues you can join? Pickup basketball or indoor soccer are pretty popular in my area. There's also Pickleball pretty much everywhere. Its a good way to get some exercise and meet some people at the same time. Also if you don't play an instrument, that can fill a lot of time and be very rewarding as well. I've been playing guitar since I was 13, but took lessons for another year after my divorce just for something to do on Wednesday night after she pick…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 02:43 PM
11

Divorce sucks and is expensive. I would have a come to Jesus moment with her, though. Tell her how you feel (I'm sure you have), but you have to make it very plain and put some ultimatums behind it. Either she gets a good job that is full time and starts contributing more, or you're both picking up and moving to a less expensive area further away from her family. You're carrying most of the weight and you're taking this decision into your own hands. If she's not comfortable with it, you can't st…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 02:39 PM
5

Its jarring when it first happens. Like it just catches you off guard and strikes you emotionally in a way you weren't ready for. That'll probably happen a few times, but I always came out of it feeling less attached to her and ready to move on. You're recognizing the feeling for what it is and being rational about it. I'd look at this as an absolute success on your part. Divorce is hard. Seeing your ex wife move on is hard. You felt the feelings that 99% of people would feel in that situation a…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 02:26 PM
2

I did not end up broke. My mortgage payment went up after I bought her out... damn interest rates... but I'm OK.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 01:17 PM
3

Just had a really busy week, so looking forward to a more relaxing week... hopefully... lol
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 01:16 PM
3

We didn't She took her stuff, I took my stuff. We divided kitchen stuff and whatnot. I did give her the lawn mower and just bought myself a new one. She didn't want my guitars or collectibles and I didn't want her books or collectibles.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/26 06:37 PM
2

We filled out our paperwork together and didn't involve lawyers. We made about the same amount of money and agree'd to 50/50 custody. She took her stuff, I took my stuff, I kept the house and paid her out half the equity. Wandering into your county courthouse and asking the clerks was mostly what we did. We're both happy with the results.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 12:26 AM
3

I definitely think so. My ex-wife and I had a good run and we have 2 great kids together. She's a wonderful mother and the 14 years we spent married were mostly good. We're 3 years divorced now and we're still good friends. We've both moved on. The further you get out of the relationship, the more it'll all make sense and the easier it'll be to make peace with it.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 12:20 AM
1

Yeah I'm pretty sure thats what happened to him. Gotta get rid of the swimmers still swimming around.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 06:52 PM
1

So, first off, good for you for getting out. As others have said, you don't really sound like you're ready for a relationship yet, but now you have something to work on. First, get some counseling. The same places that specialize in marriage counseling will also do individual divorce counseling. The one near me was called "relationship resolutions" but there's a zillion counseling places like this all over the place. Online counseling is also an option. Better Health is one of the more popular o…
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 06:07 PM
9

You don't want another kid after 40. Divorced or no, get the vasectomy. Just make sure you go back for all the checkups to confirm that you're sterile. I had a buddy get a vasectomy and not do that. They just assumed sterile and about a month later they were expecting again.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 05:27 PM
1

I guss it depends on whether or not the kid needs braces. Braces are expensive and no dentist is going to say no to putting them on any kid because its big money. If the child has an overbite or crooked teeth or whatever, yeah you'll probably need to pay for the braces. You can argue that they aren't necessary, but be ready to get a lawyer involved.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/26 05:42 PM
1

That's why sad songs make me happy, cos I don't have to feel alone. Music. I wouldn't say I'm an Emo kid, but I'd be lying if My Chemical Romance and A Day to Remember didn't help me get some good solid tears out. A lot of Ozzy (RIP) balads, too. Black Sabbath - Changes would probably still make me choke up a little.
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/26 04:40 PM
4

You're not giving up - she is. You cannot drag this relationship out alone. I'd take her threats as promises and lawyer up now and draw up the papers and serve her.
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/26 02:19 PM
2

You need a separation agreement. These are terrible laws.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 08:09 PM
3

My buddy went through a divorce where his ex cheated on him around the same time I was getting divorced and while the paperwork was the same, it was like a completely different thing all together.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 07:44 PM
12

I do, but my ex-wife didn't cheat. I think its a very important distinction. There's a difference between something ending because that's as far as it was going to go and something ending due to someone cheating. She just doesn't like the consequences of her actions. If she wanted to be invited to birthday parties, she should have broken things off with you before persuing other relationships. Simple as that.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 04:45 PM
1

Don't be sad that its over, be happy it happened. You had a good run, I'm sorry its ending in turmoil, but breakups are always messy. You'll be ok. Definitely get your own appraisal as well. The couple of hundred bucks it'll cost you, could save you thousands in the long run.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 01:21 PM
3

Probably not if she won't sign. You're going to need to consult an attorney and tell him your story to see what your options are.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 06:31 PM
5

Hire an attorney and have him file for you. Depending on where you live, you may have options to do it alone at this point.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 05:45 PM
2

Her abandoning you did you a favor even if you don't see it that way yet. Take notes of the dates that she left and her unresponsiveness. Save text messages of "where are you" or whatever. Hire a lawyer and discuss abandonment with him. You'll be OK - the further you get out of this, the better off you'll be. She left, you're legally in the best position you could be.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 03:56 PM
2

When my ex-wife moved out, I pulled my action figures out of storage and bought some posters. My office looks like a 13 year old nerd's bedroom and I love it. One room at a time. Get an office or hobby room set up first. A tribute to yourself. Work out from there.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 02:40 PM
2

You can't support a relationship alone. You just can't. If she's not willing to work on it with you, then there's nothing you can do. She's probably been processing it for awhile, but its new to you. You need to get some separation to really start healing. That limbo phase where you still see each other is the absolute worst. Once you're on your own and her negative presence isn't in your space any longer, you kind of start to come out of this fog. As far as the dog is concerned, talk to her. If…
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 05:02 PM
1

My ex wife isn't a bad person and didn't treat me badly. She just told me she was done and wanted to move on. There was no big blow up or cheating or anything. Obviously I was emotional about it and she was understanding and did give me time to sort of get over the shock of it all, but once she moved out a couple of months later and we got some logistics worked out we worked on being friends. Looking back on it, I was basically done with the relationship too. I had sort of been the person doing …
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 05:31 PM
1

For me, personally it helped to have someone who had been through it and come out the other side already. It sort of helped speed up the recovery process because I could bluntly say "what do I do now?" in whatever scenario I was in and I would get good advice and be asked good questions. He also gave me exercises and kept tabs on what I had said and done to kind of keep me on track. Could books or a really good friend have done the same thing? Probably eventually, but it helped to have a schedul…
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 05:23 PM
2

I mean, if the cash exists without a refinance, absolutely. I bet whatever the loan you have on the house is has a much lower interest rate than whatever is being offered today.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 02:30 PM
3

You just have to get separated. Once you've split up expenses and living spaces its not hard to be friends. I much prefer seeing her for short periods a couple of times a week at whatever activities we go to for the kids than I did having her in the house with me all day every day.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 02:29 PM
5

My ex wife and I are friends. We've both moved on. We had a good run.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 01:56 PM
2

Get a lawyer Also, she can pay you out the equity, which requires a refinance to get you off of the mortgage. Source: Its what I had to do.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 02:03 AM
2

Part of therapy is doing the work. If you just go and complain, they're just going to take your money.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 01:51 AM
2

I found that the same place that offered relationship counseling also offered individual therapy for people going through divorce. I ended up spending about a year with a counselor who was a divorced dad like I was about to be who came out on the other side and remarried. His perspective and the ability to just vent to someone who had already been through what I was going through was invaluable. Did I take all his advice? No. I got bored and started dating after 6 months, while he had advised to…
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 01:50 AM
6

This is what my ex and I did. We just agreed to take our own stuff and split the rest. Helped that we didn't have any real assets to split other than the equity in our home, but at the end of the day it wasn't too bad and we saved on lawyers fees. Definitely less stress and pain on the kids, too.
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/26 01:51 AM
8

I promise its not that difficult. You just have to do the work. Once you get over her romantically, its pretty easy to just move on. She's just like any other person.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 10:37 PM
5

She's good. She bought a house not too far away once she finished her degree. I see her a few times a week at the kid's activities and for drop offs and whatnot. We've maintained a pretty solid friendship. Her boyfriend is cool. We talk about video games when I see him.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 10:32 PM
35

The further you get out of this, the more sense it will make. 3 years ago, I felt the same way. Eventually, I got excited about getting to start over and do it better this time. My ex wife was a good person, but after 18 years and 2 kids, we just weren't the same kids anymore. I was willing to work on it, but she wasn't. Fair enough, I suppose. I tried my best and was satisfied with my own effort. Once she moved out and the dust settled a little bit, I started dating. I met my match. We have ton…
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 08:54 PM
4

My ex-wife suggested we "split" an apartment and take week on/week off at the house (that I paid 2/3 of the bills for at the time). I said absolutely not and that I would not be moving out. The divorce was her decision, not mine. I told her I'd be willing to split our assets down the middle and do whatever I needed to do to support our children. She didn't fight me much on that and she moved out into an apartment for a year that she paid for. I took care of everything and maintained the house. W…
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 08:28 PM
2

You'll be OK, but you need to get out. Cheating is never acceptable. Get yourself an attorney and file. Don't move out, but you can ask her to leave.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/25 08:35 PM
1

We all get it, but I feel like you have to hear from someone who's been through it to say "being angry isn't helping you." Like you almost have to be selfish about it. Being angry takes work. She doesn't deserve your work.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/25 03:36 AM
1

Is a Reddit watch party a thing?
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/25 03:35 AM
3

Holding on to that anger isn't going to help you. I get it. It sucks when you put in the work and did everything as right as you could and you still ended up divorced. You need to focus on you now. Most importantly, work on forgiving her and letting her go. She doesn't deserve to live rent free in your head. It definitely gets better. You're going through stages of grief and its important to move through them. What helped me on days that I didn't have the kids was to make sure I had something to…
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/25 01:23 PM
2

I mean, legally you can take it back, but why would you want to? Grieving it is hard, but if you put in the work, you'll be OK.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/25 08:07 PM
4

You should be good.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 05:26 PM
5

You're good, dude. You don't owe them anything. They could have approached you if they wanted, too.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 05:24 PM
2

I think the women who do communicate well stay married.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 05:18 PM
16

The absolute hardest part was the half a week by myself once our custody split happened. Those 3-4 nights a week were torture at first. I'm 1 of 4 kids in my family and my parents are still happily married. I moved from their house of 6 to college dorms full of my peers and then moved in with who would be my wife after college and we had 2 kids (who are loud like me). At 38 years old, I'd never lived alone and suddenly there was an empty house 3-4 nights a week. I spent months dreading those day…
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 05:05 PM
2

About 3 years ago I was in a similar situation. My mom's cancer came back, Work started taking a turn for the worse, and on Christmas day my wife of 14 years asked for a divorce. 3 years later, I have a better job, I'm divorced, and my mom has kicked cancer's ass twice. My girlfriend is also incredible. It took all of 2 years to get out of that hole, but here's what I did. Find things to fill the time. I joined a band (I'm a guitar player), played indoor soccer, reconnected with friends, and got…
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/25 06:37 PM
14

I was also a "good man, but..." I don't regret my marriage. We had a good run and I got my 2 favorite people out of it (my kids). We didn't really go down in flames, though. We just got to the end of the road. Honestly, I'm a lot better off now.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/25 06:12 PM
4

I had a similar experience, and this is what worked for me. Once I could wrap my head around it, I basically just sat down with her and said "OK, this isn't what I wanted, but I understand this is over. Let's be amicable and not waste our time and money." Luckily we both earned about the same and wanted the kids split 50/50. It was a tough adjustment at first, but we did a lot of work to be good friends and co-parents and 3 years out, I'd say it worked out really well for both of us. Kids are do…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/25 07:13 PM
1

5 years is a long time. While I think that its important for both parents to meet significant others prior to moving them in, situations can dictate otherwise. I'm about 3 years divorced and my ex-wife and I get along and co parent very well. We arguably get along better now than we did towards the end of our marriage. I met her bf before my kids did and she met my gf before my kids did. Jealousy is always kind of the first feeling, but I'm going to tell you from experience that this doesn't mak…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/25 07:02 PM
1

The optics are what they are. What would you do had she not gotten sick? If the feeling is mutual, you could see if she is willing to be the plaintiff in this scenario, but explain to people that its mutual and what's best for both of you. Its not an easy conversation to have, but if you're both done, then people who are the closest to you will understand.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/25 06:54 PM
2

I really like your last paragraph.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/25 06:48 PM
4

I feel like my ex-wife and I struggled so much once after we had kids that I had a complex of "maybe its me" but I'm 3 years divorced now and have been with my girlfriend for just over 2 and its honestly been incredibly healthy and validating that it wasn't me lol
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 07:56 PM
9

Its way better out there for us guys in our late 30s-40s. Dating was actually pretty therpaudic. I had the same concerns, but honestly found an amazing woman. Guys who were off the market for a long time seem to be pretty desired. "I was married for a long time, but it didn't work out" is a pretty reasonable "why are you single" answer. Its honestly, probably the best one.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 07:39 PM
2

You don't have to get into details with everyone, but I would definitely tell neighbors and whomever that you're going to see that you "broke up" I was always forward about it - I'd say something like: "Just so you know, (ex wife's name) and I broke up." sometimes I'd add "I'm not ready to talk about it." if I didn't feel like getting into details. Use discretion on how much info other people need.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/25 07:35 PM
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