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Gattsama Archive

View 39 posts and 3,996 comments by Gattsama on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Gattsama/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 09:31 AM
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Gattsama/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 10:24 PM
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Gattsama/r/Divorce_Men14/11/21 07:33 AM
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Gattsama/r/Divorce_Men14/03/22 01:33 AM
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Gattsama/r/Divorce_Men02/02/22 02:41 AM
Showing the 1,000 most recent of 3,996 comments.
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
1

She can move out, you can stay and take care of the kids. There is nothing as permanent as a temporary order/arrangement. I don't know if you're in the United States, so check with a local lawyer or solicitor. But often is the case that you leaving the home can be argued later to be abandonment, except the precedent that she as primary residency for the children. Do not leave the house about a court-approved parenting plan in place. Sorry for the drama brother
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/26 11:03 AM
2

People lie. Some consider the word lie to be too harsh, but these certainly don't tell the truth. As a parallel, look at social media. People post pictures about their amazing trips, Life, family, home, etc. Even though most of them are not living that actual life. It's a projection of the life that they want to live or an illusion. If you had asked me during my marriage was I happy, of course I said yes. Not only does it socially improper to answer otherwise, it's a bad thing to do for your rel…
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/26 09:40 PM
1

Whenever we ask people about the past, or past relationships that didn't work out. They always put together a fantasy where everything works out exactly like that a fantasy. They never say. Well. You know there was this really sweet girl that I knew in college and we never really got together; but I bet if we did get together she would have cheated on me four times, killed by dog, and I would have gone financially bankrupt bailing her out of jail. No the story's always, if we had gotten together…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 09:32 PM
5

Reality doesn't always work out the way we think it does. You say she was a unicorn, she was one in a lifetime, there is no one else who's ever been better. Maybe. But sometimes people change, sometimes these girls grow up to be total whores, sometimes you stay innocent for life. Bottom line is you can't do anything about the past, and you will always make up some fantasy world where everything would have been perfect. But in reality, nothing is ever perfect, life is always dirty and messy. Wher…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 07:26 PM
2

The real issue that you describe here, and yes we are only hearing your side of the story, has more to do with her financial issues and her adulting driving without insurance, your car is not registered, not paying your bills, being upset with you when these things come out, the student loans, these are not workable. The truth is is that you have no control over her, or over the situation. The only person you can control is yourself( and to a lesser extent your child). If you've had 100% open, h…
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 07:20 AM
7

It's okay to fall in love, you just have to recognize and be in control of yourself and your emotions. Never sign the legal contract with the government. But there's nothing wrong with finding someone who you love to engage and enjoy life with. The mistake is in thinking that this has to be. That's one person from the moment that you meet until death. Very few relationships, romantic or platonic, we're meant to last like that. If that doesn't devalue love, it's just makes you more honest. A lot …
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/26 10:06 AM
5

The world is fair and that it treats everyone unfairly. The system is fundamentally broken. The mistake a lot of us made was in thinking that the system was fair or just. That if we were good men, that did a good job, that should be seen and if not rewarded at least not punished. The system however incentivizes the exact opposite. Did you provide for a stay-at-home wife and kids, while you went out and worked? Well then that means she gets rewarded and you become a wage slave. Are you an actuall…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/26 10:04 AM
1

I was worried about this too. In our case we had to sell the house. We simply awarded her less money and equity at time of sale. That went to me and I assumed all debts. I did not have faith that she would cut me a check for the 50% of the debts that she owed. Only worked out in my case though. Like I said, because we had home equity at the time of the house sale. Maybe you can work something similar with another set of assets: retirement accounts, home equity, in lieu of special support, etc. G…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/26 09:43 PM
2

If your name's not on the mortgage, you're not responsible. You have to decide how high conflict you want this to be, but well within your rights to simply say you're not going to pay the mortgage anymore if they're not going to act fairly on the rent. The trust, the bank, whoever the powers may be might be; can only come after the person whose name is on the mortgage.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/26 12:34 PM
1

Good luck man and sorry for all the drama. Generally speaking, the max alone you can take out of your retirement account is 50% or $50,000 whichever is lower. My employer uses Fidelity, because these are technically security backed loans. You don't have to be approved, you simply have to apply which is usually just done online. The funds are then electronically transferred to your checking account. And my case, this causes an automatic payment to be applied/ withdrawal every paycheck until the l…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/26 11:33 PM
3

I'm not assuming anything, I'm stating the facts of the law. Emotional abuse is not a reason for a different in the 50/50 distribution of all communal assets and debts. Physical abuse is not a reason for a different distribution than 50/50. Substance abuse, cheating, child abuse... None of it has any bearing on the 50/50 split of all communal assets and debts.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/26 09:16 AM
3

If able, the best course is to go to mediation or binding arbitration, particularly if there's no kids, and just work out a 50/50 split of all communal assets and debts; if either party qualifies for spousal support work that out as well. If there are kids, things can get messier, but again this can also be done at arbitration/mediation. If either party is argumentative, or unwilling or unable to negotiate, it's sometimes best just to go straight to court. Unfortunately, that means a waste of ti…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/26 07:48 AM
3

You are confusing two completely separate issues. What the divorce court / judge values and what the partners in a marriage value. No fault divorce means just that. These things are of no value to the court. We are NOT giving advice on how to conduct a marriage or relationship. We are giving advice about how the court handles a divorce. For example, you are married, your wife cheats on you, you confront her, she grabs a knife and stabs you. There are consequences to those actions. But it has ZER…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/26 06:50 AM
6

But they are trivial to the court and therefore a waste of time. It's her engaging in building a emotional reason and justification for her upcoming actions: pook at all the bad things he did, this isn't my fault, etc..
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/26 12:31 AM
1

No one in this group is against you. We're simply telling you that logic and reason don't really matter in the family court system. In my case, the ex didn't work. During the 12 years of the marriage. She had an undergraduate degree, and before we were married she had a very good job making about $60,000 a year or so. She also claimed that she couldn't work due to health reasons, she also claimed that I told her not to work and that's why she was at home, not because of her choice, but because o…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/26 12:26 AM
3

You're confusing logic and reason with fairness versus the way the system works. The system is fundamentally broken. Things depend a little bit on which state you live in, in some states. If you can prove the cause of the divorce is infidelity spousal support can be waived. But the majority of states are no fault divorce. No fault means just that, it doesn't matter what either party did. She could physically assault you with a knife putting you in the hospital, she could cuck you and your kids a…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/26 12:22 AM
9

Another possibility is he's been truly hurt and he does a good job of either hiding it, or healing from it. Pain and suffering is a part of life, and we have both fairly high divorce and infidelity rates. You don't have to be broken for life because you were broken at one point. As I've walked this Earth and met different people, I've met many people. Who've gone through incredible amounts of tragedy, many of whom are highly functional, super happy, and functional individuals. I've also met peop…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/26 12:12 AM
4

It doesn't work that way. Logic and reason are not the way to approach relationships. If they were she would be open and honest with her needs, she be open and honest about her thoughts, and then you be able to engage and open and honest conversation back. But based off the little bit you've given us that's not happening. She's not being honest with you. And you're engaging in what's known as hidden contracts. You have not explicitly stated that the reason that you're engaging in these activitie…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/26 11:14 AM
13

In my case, no kids so a little bit easier, and I'm also in the smaller percentage of men that filed. We were together for 17 years, we were never really healthy. Got divorced when I was 48 years old in 2022 and I'll be turning 52 later this year. I worked, she didn't. She got a ton of money up front and I had to pay a ton of spousal support. Last spousal support payment was actually in May so now totally free and because I have no kids, no entanglements . Life is fucking great 👍 I'm 100% debt f…
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/26 01:36 PM
11

First as much as possible try to calm down. Yes, the system is fundamentally broken but the system has rules. The rules are pretty clear, all communal assets and debts are to be split 50/50. If you have communal debt, guess what? She's 50% on the hook for that debt. Usually what will happen is the debt will simply be wiped out on paper in lieu of support or some other assets. If you guys live in your parents house, then at your parents house, it's not something that's part of the communal proper…
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/26 10:48 AM
1

Only if they don't consolidate the debt...
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/26 11:40 PM
3

Congratulations and glad that things are moving forward. I'm in a similar boat, got divorced at 48, interned 52 later this year. No kids. Finish my last spousal support payment on May 1st so now totally free and no entanglements. Life has never been better. I have more financial freedom now than I ever did during the marriage, I had to give up a lot of assets and pay a ton of spousal support; but I'm actually have more discretion your income, I'm invested and saving more, and I hope to cut back …
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/26 09:49 AM
2

This is a mixed boat, but always a good recommendation. The issue is you do it for yourself, you don't do it for women or your wife. You should always work on being the best version of yourself possible. A man should always work on being fit: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financially fit. If your current wife decides to make changes to your relationship so that you can be successful great; if not that's okay too. But either way, you should always be working to be the best ve…
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/26 02:49 AM
1

The system is fundamentally broken. In my case. No children, I worked, she didn't. The law is very clear. 50/50 split of all communal assets and debt. Plus she gets spousal support. I offered her a 50/50 split plus I agreed to give her lots of freebies: I would pay the 1st and last month rent of a rental property for her, I would pay her moving expenses, I would pay for a year of storage, she could keep all the jewelry, she could keep all the artwork. And I asked her what does she think is a fai…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/26 12:19 PM
2

We don't know all the details, but you are describing a profoundly dysfunctional relationship. We don't know what got you there, and we don't know what, if any attempts have been made to resolve it. The end of a dysfunctional marriage is a good thing. If this is representative of your guys baseline function and the ability to communicate; it sounds like termination is something that should at least be strongly considered. If there's no kids involved, then it probably definitely should be done.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/26 08:15 AM
3

You're going to hear a reoccurring variation of the basic message that you are not actually in love with her, you were in love with the idea of her. The actual person that she is/ was isn't somebody that you actually were in love with: somebody that was constantly cruel to you, told you you were mentally ill, was emotionally and mentally abusive, lied to you, etc I'll be 52 later this year, and I can tell you that everyone's coming from a different place, but my life has never been better. No ki…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/26 05:12 PM
4

Yeah that's total BS. If she needs a separation to see if you can heal she can leave. We're only hearing your side of the story, but what she's basically saying is that the marriage is falling apart because of you, and if only you leave, things will be okay. Because she either will figure out that it's okay for her to be alone, or you'll come back as a healed person. As others have pointed out under no circumstances should you leave the house about a court-ordered parenting plan in place. You're…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/26 01:30 PM
2

As long as we're going down some side threads. Stoicism is not about suppressing your emotions, or being a Vulcan. It means recognizing that you can control your emotions as opposed to letting your emotions control you. You feel everything, you just stopped to ask yourself is is this a valid feeling, and what am I going to do with it . Suppressing your emotions is always a bad idea, being able to control your emotions and direct them is a great skill to develop. With that said, I also do BJJ, us…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/26 07:00 PM
7

LOL, The system is fundamentally broken. Once you accept that everything gets a lot easier. I try to practice stoicism, and try to only concern myself with things that are actually under my control. I'm the person that chose this woman, I'm the person that chose to stay with this woman, and in the end I'm the person that chose to file for divorce. I think of her more like a river or a thunderstorm. They're just destructive by nature. If you don't already know it, look up the story of the scorpio…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/26 11:38 AM
4

In my case together for 17 years, no children, I worked, she didn't. I make a really good salary, but I also was spending almost all of our money on our lifestyle. Around the world. I'm suspicious that she was always putting money aside in a secret account that you never disclosed during the divorce; but it is what it is. I know she had crypto that she never disclosed. She basically extorted me to sign off on the sale of the house and ended up doing a 55/45 split (her favor), plus she got a ton …
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/26 11:35 AM
8

Don't bother negotiating with her any further. Take it to court and let the judge decide. High pretest probability. They will simply enforce the agreed upon mediation, if not, they'll simply do a fair state calculator based 50/50 split of everything with appropriate child support and spouse and support if needed. Once one party decides, they're not going to be reasonable or accept a fair offer, there's just no point in continuing negotiation with them.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/26 06:48 AM
5

This is the best advice. When either party is unwilling to negotiate in good faith, and turning down reasonable fair deals, there is no concessions or negotiation that can be given to resolve the situation. Ultimately the eye there are two or free to sign a fair deal, or they are holding out for an unfair deal. Just go to court, the judge will order a 50/50 split and everything will be fair. And high pretest probability. You might just enforce the previous agreed upon mediation order if presente…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/26 06:47 AM
1

Correct. Under no circumstances do you sign anything without getting legal counsel. This doesn't mean that you have to have a bitter contested divorce. It just means that you need to make sure you get professional advice before you put your name on anything. If you guys don't have kids and you don't have a lot of assets, there's really not a lot to worry about. Ideally you take what's yours, she takes. What's hers, you split the communal stuff 50/50, and no spousal support. She most likely has b…
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/26 11:22 AM
8

The system is fundamentally broken. Do not try to use logic or reason to understand it, instead study it, accept it, and work within it. Her lifestyle choices are NOT your concern and the courts don't care either. In most states once you file for divorce that stops new communal assets and debts, so her trips are her debt. All communal assets and debts will be split 50/50. If she qualifies for spousal support it's based on the marriage, not actions after the marriage. And it's based on each parti…
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/26 04:53 AM
3

All communal assets and debts are 50/50. However in TX there is the possibility of no spousal support if her adultery is the direct cause of the failed marriage. IF you can prove the affair. The courts need proof, talk to your attorney. Sometimes you can demonstrate she spent communal assets on the affair and get those awarded to you as a 'credit' during the separation of assets. Understand that the system is fundamentally broken. If you can avoid spousal support that alone is huge!
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/26 08:44 PM
1

Agreed. Alcoholism is not based on how much you drink, but on a combination of dysfunction and dependency (physical and emotional). You more than meet the dysfunctional standard, and you have clear emotional dependency. Even without any physical dependency you meet the criteria to be an alcoholic. And we are not trying to force that label or diagnosis on you to hurt you, shame you, excuse your behavior, etc. We are trying to say that you can't fix what is broken until you recognize and accept th…
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/26 12:59 PM
2

I was worries about this happening so in the final divorce settlement it stated all communal debts to be paid 50/50, I would assume payment, her half was subtracted from her portion of the home equity sale, a separate check was cut for each debt, and then I used those checks to pay off th communal debts (most importantly the IRS). Extra BS. Once all the combined accounts started to close we either fot the money deposited to the joint account or a personal check (normally with my name or both nam…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 05:26 AM
3

No fault divorce is just that. While some states have exceptions for adultery, most do NOT. They are truly no fault. She can cheat, cuck you, run up huge credit, physically assault you, etc. It doesn't matter, no fault = it has zero effect on spousal support or division of assets...
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 08:15 PM
3

Agreed, separation is just a temporary band aid for a dead marriage, divorce is how this ends. FYI - high probability she is having an affair, has some one already picked out to prosue, or just plans to have sex with others asap. Once she learned that her plan wasn't as financially able as she thought, she started back tracking. IF the money was covered, she would be out yesterday. She is telling you who she is, listen to her.. Sorry for the drama and BS
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 08:06 PM
2

Summary: her POV everything that was wrong in the relationship was my fault, therefore recommendationed I go to therapy to fix me. I said I would do couples only as we had problems. She agreed, then dropped out after several sessions (as again, everything was my fault). I stayed for a bit. Therapist said she had borderline like traits, it sounds like I'm working on my first marriage, and not every relationship is meant to work. I did about another 6mo+ then dropped out. It helped clear up some c…
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 06:40 PM
12

100% normal. The key thing to remember is that this person is no longer your anything, they are now just the eX. If able 100% no contact is the best way forward.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 11:23 AM
2

It doesn't matter if you still care for her. You can't put the pin back in the grenade after it's exploded. It's not that we don't believe in forgiveness, it's that reconciliation isn't possible in every situation . Let's play, make, believe and say that somebody murdered your daughter. They go to prison for 40 years and get out. They are completely rehabilitated during that time, they find religion, and they are literally a completely different person than the person that committed that horribl…
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 11:21 AM
5

You have the right general idea but the wrong conclusion. She doesn't hate you, or even dislike you. She doesn't respect you and sees you as a utility. Imagine that I have a power drill. This is the third drill that I've owned. Everything was cool but now the battery appears you'd be only intermittently working and holding a charge only for 15 minutes. Do I hate the drill, no, I'm upset that it's not doing its job. It's a utility, I expect it to work. If it doesn't work, then I have to think abo…
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 06:46 PM
2

Strong work man! In my case, no kids so much more easy. I'm 51y, together for 17 years. She was my first love and I was a virgin when we meant (do the math lol). I look forward to my life as continuously improving. My best days are not behind me, but ahead. I lost a ton money, but I can (and will) always make more money. I can not create more time. I have not been this excited or focused on the future since I was 30y/o. All of my skills, degrees, and attributes are the same (or improved). She go…
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 06:28 AM
1

Same here brother. I think the skills that have made me successful in life, actually harmed my in the marriage. I have never quit anything if importance I'm my life with the exception of the marriage. With more reflection I have some to accept that my no quit attitude is not the problem, it's that I committed to the wrong person. The summary statement is: I overly committed without properly vetting. There is nothing wrong with me wanting to work hard, even sacrifice (from time to time), give, an…
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 06:17 AM
3

We said until death do us part and neither one of us is dead. I am a man of Honor, this is the path that I committed myself towards. Life is, and always has been, and always will be hard. You don't quit because things are hard, you plow forward and get them done. In the end, she told me to leave, and I left. Once out of the house I had never been more peaceful and stress-free. I ultimately filed for divorce. If she didn't ask me to leave odds are pretty high I would just suffered through things …
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/26 05:34 PM
9

You don't want her. You want the idea of her, an idealized version of her that only exists in your mind. You don't actually want someone that lies, abandoned you, doesn't want you, and doesn't honor her vows. There's a huge mental transformation required, you're still in husband mode. Does not make the hurt any less though while going through it...
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/26 09:20 PM
3

Agreed, this woman is the red flag! Under no circumstances would I put any faith in what an eX had to say about someone. She wants to know if you have friends because if you get married would you have enough to make the bridal party balanced??? WTF!?! Most modern western women are fundamentally broken, and she sound alike on of them. My advice and mindset here would be 'good, I'm glad her crazy was learned early into the relationship.'
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/26 08:58 AM
1

If it's communal debt it's split 50/50. Student loans are not communal debt. In my case I worked, she did not, but we owed the IRS near $40k (I held the payment as that debt was 50% hers) and at final settlement we subtracted her portion (ie I was awarded a $20k credit). She still walked away with a huge payment + spousal support. Any it was worth it. Like OP said I can always make more money, I can not more more time or peace. Ultimately she got a huge payout but lost access to me. I still have…
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/26 07:02 PM
2

It's a California thing. After 10 years the sometimes will award alimony with new set end date = for life. Either party can petition for a change based off changing circumstances. The real kicker is that she can petition based off him getting a better job or earning more money. For example, he starts a new business, 4 years from now is earning $2M/yr, she can take him back to court and petition for an increase.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 01:35 PM
3

A mediation service charges you a few to discuss the termination, writes it up so everything is legal, has an attorney review it and submit to a judge, the judge signs off and your done. You can also DIY but sometimes not all the paperwork is correct or parts are left out. If both parties are agreeable, talk before hand, work everything out as much as possible. If you can't work it out the mediator can help. You send them all records and documents before hand. My divorce has a lot of unnecessary…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 01:28 PM
6

To add to the mix: Stop talking to her about your feelings, wants, plans, desires, etc. It serves no purpose. What is the best case scenario you hope for: I think you should get a job so I can pay you less spousal support; that sounds wonderful I have been entitled and will look for a job immediately so I can work instead of being paid to stay home. You want her to get a job, stop asking her about it. Hell, tell her not to go back to work because 'reasons' that might help. Don't get angry with h…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 11:00 AM
1

My experience has been that most custody battles actually come down to trying to hurt the other person and/or money (ie child support based on the number of midnights the child is at which residence).
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 05:11 AM
13

There was a semi local case with a police officer that did the same. Wife was using the silver bullet, and per report he was not guilty of that, and ended up shooting her and them himself. The system is fundamentally broken. That doesn't excuse these actions, but it does help explain them. If people feel helpless, powerless, and they are being treated unfairly/abused; then some of them will react with violence. Again, NOT an excuse.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/26 08:17 AM
2

Long reply below... To answer your questions out of order: I had to pay a ton of money. I worked and she didn't. No kids. She got 50% of all communal assets, we sold the house and she got a 55/45 split because of extortion and other BS. I also owed a ton of spousal support: $7500/m x42m = $315k (which I just paid off). I will never get married again. I believe in love, relationships, and partnerships. But there is no reason to involve the government or legal contracts in that process. The marria…
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 10:57 AM
1

In my case we were together for 17 years, no children, married 12 years. She was my first love, I was a virgin when we met, I had no experience in relationships. The summary of my biggest mistake was I over committed without properly vetting. Everything in the relationship that was wrong was my fault. She was a great loving person, but she couldn't be the loving person that she truly was because she was in this horrible relationship with me. Everything that she did that was "bad" wasn't actually…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 05:03 PM
2

That's because you have a basically dysfunction relationship. This is not an attack, I'm telling you that we've been there. Walking on eggshells, everything is your fault, things will get better and she will be better but only after you change first, she's not bad but she has to act bad because of your poor choices, etc etc It's all BS, and it's all about control. And as you said, Everytime tou give in you only reenforce that control and tell her to continue to act the same, it's been working so…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 01:50 PM
2

If able go no contact for as long as possible, you need time to detox. No contact means just that: no phone, no texts, no social media, etc. You will be shocked how you feel 48hrs later. Be safe out there...
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 08:59 AM
1

You say transparent, but you're still thinking in husband mode. The eX is a co-parent, the same as a co-worker. Do you tell people at work, trying to be transparent, everything about your dating life and social life? This is not an attack or insult, you need to 100% get out of husband mode, and into this person is just my co-parent = co-worker. I share info as needed for us to be successful at our combined job of raising the children. We don't know the details of your relationship, but the marri…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 11:43 PM
6

I filed, life is exponentially better now. Together for 17 years, she was my first love, I was a virgin, and had zero experience. We were never healthy, but I was to inexperienced and 'in love' to see that. I'll skip all the dysfunction but the end of an unhealthy marriage is a good thing. I have never been more peaceful and stress free.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 03:34 AM
4

As horrible as the eX was, the one thing she didn't do is try to mess with my employment as that's where the money all flowed from. She claimed without evidence that: I forbid her from working during the marriage I was emotionally and financially abusive I might be having or had an affair I deliberately kept her I'll so so would be dependant on me and I blocked her seeking appropriate health care Etc etc I accept that it was just part of the fundamentally broken system. I am partly glad she acte…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 12:01 AM
3

As much as people say avoid going to court I fully believe that once you have either party that is being unreasonable and unrealistic just go to court. The judge doesn't care about anything that either of you did or didn't do. They will order a 50/50 split of all assets and debts, the house sold and the equity split 50/50 (or a fair market buy out), and normally 50/50 child custody and residency. You still owe spousal support and child support, but that is what it is.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/26 07:59 PM
15

It's not the drug, it's the weight loss and increased sense of SMV (Sexual Marketplace Value). This is already a know factor in increased risk of a wife filing for divorce: rapid weight lost when she was obese rapid weight lost when both are obese but only she loses weight initially he our earned her, then she gets a raise (promotion) that out earns him There are several others. Hypergamy at work, nothing more.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 06:29 AM
2

Because it is required by law and she was legally entitled to it. There was no need not to be 100% honest. The law is clear, she's entitled to 50/50 of all communal assets and debts + spousal support. And she was not going to leave anything on the table (just the opposite). Given that she is entitled to and would be awarded support might as well openly discuss that. Again, I offered mediation to resolve things. Divorce should be a simple legal dissolution. Part of that dissolution is spousal sup…
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 12:13 AM
6

It doesn't work that way. If either party decides to make it contentious or a mess then it's basically off to the races. In my case no kids, it should have been a simple, 50/50 split of all communal assets and debts. Plus she gets spousal support. I offer her that, including the maximum length of spousal support, but I asked her what did she think was a fair amount. I figured we could negotiate the amount. I explained in no uncertain terms, as did her father, that there is nothing to be gained b…
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/26 10:04 PM
5

Unfortunately millions of men have come before you and millions of men are yet to come after you. We are here to tell you that no matter how bad you're feeling right now, there is hope and joy on the other side. Right now. The problem is that she's been planning this for months if not years, she's already gone through the entire process. You just got a shotgun blast to your chest, and are trying to adapt to both the initial injury, as well as recovery. With time you're going to come to understan…
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 03:28 AM
5

Our society has encouraged lots of dysfunctional beliefs and behaviors. In my case no kids, but same BS. The eX always claimed I never did anything, planned anything, or supported her, she had to plan her own birthday and trips (I just paid for it). One birthday I got up early: - left her a card on her pillow - made breakfast - gave flowers she loved - took her to dinner at her favorite restaurant - surprised her with tickets to stars on ice On the drive home she was kind of quiet. I asked what'…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 01:54 PM
5

The crimson capsule is a wide spectrum and collection of super diverse people. It's not one monolith that holds women bad. Just the opposite, the idea is that here is the truth vs here is the delusion. Do with them as you will. From some of those truths people then go to controversial places :) But the core truth remains. Not that it directly matters but am an American that's Black. It is true that we have more Black men in college than in prison, it's also true that 80% of Black babies are born…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 01:45 PM
7

https://www.forums.red/p/TheRedPill/3609/the_light_switch_effect_why_women_re_write_the_history_of_re Look up the light switch effect. Basically summarized as a woman's current feelingsd describe her reality. Her current reality over rides any previous reality. So when she decides that the relationship is dead, that means the relationship must always have been dead, and always will be dead. Like a light switch goes from on to off; everything that existed beforehand is lost and no longer visible
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 11:08 AM
11

This was a reoccurring theme throughout the entire relationship, that the only problem was me. If only I would change things, then she could change too. But she wasn't going to change anything first while I being a abusive asshole. She constantly stated that she had nothing, when I would point out all of our material success, the support I provide, giving her massages, the trips, she would state that she didn't marry for these things she married for love. When I suggest it that we then stopped d…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 11:01 AM
5

In my case I worked, she didn not, I paid for everything. We did not have any kids but did have a ton of pets (whom I miss). Had a very nice SFM in a VHCOL area on the east side of Lake Washington, took several trips each year and lived a pretty amazing life on paper. I 100% admit I would not have had some of those trips or experiences without the eX because I just wouldn't have spent the money (eg nearly 4wks traveling in China). The trips were great but the company sucked. And per her report w…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 07:01 AM
11

Don't kill them with kindness, torture them with fucking success - David Goggins
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 04:42 AM
30

I amin the smaller percentage of men that filed. I was a wreck in the beginning, then her actions during the divorce helped cement I was right for filing. We were never healthy, in her world everything was 100% my fault, she had no negative faults, she was a love expert, and I was a POS she tolerated. My life is exponentially better post divorce. I am so much better emotionally, mentally, and financially than during the marriage. What gets me is that even paying her a ton of spousal support (whi…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 04:42 AM
17

I will never sign the government contract again. Rings and vows, maybe someday. But the government contract is fundamentally broken and offers nothing but risk with zero benefits for most men. I believe in love, I just don't need the state involved to honor that love.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 04:02 AM
1

Thx man. Sorry for all the typos lol. Hope the journey is productive well. I just made my last spousal support payment this month so things are excellent at my end. Stay safe and stay strong brother 💪
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 09:17 PM
2

Fair enough. Let me clarify. Hiring the attorney resulted in me getting the same and deal of 50/50 split of assets and debts plus spousal support. The attorney did not do anything magical that caused a different outcome than what we would have had if we were just cooperative. However, in the absence of getting an attorney, the state would have hosed me. So perhaps a better statement would be its of Great value to get an attorney so that the state doesn't hose you because if the other party has a…
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 09:13 PM
1

Sorry for typos, and yes I had an attorney. Did they do anything of great value for me, not really. However once the eX lawyer-ed up I had no choice but to get one too. The system is what it is. In the end it was going to be a 50/50 split of all communal assets and debts + spousal support. We didn't need attorneys, or at least we didn't need to go through elthe huge waste or money. We could have had mediation and worked it all out in one afternoon, and had legal representation to confirm the del…
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 11:22 AM
3

She was never yours, it was only your turn. Sad but true for the vast majority of relationships.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 10:10 AM
2

Exactly 💯 Similar question why wear a suit to court. Do the facts of the case change based on how you dress? Or course not, but again that's not the point. The well dressed and well spoken will (the population level) get better treatment and outcomes than the loud, obnoxious, and dirty dressed. Fair had nothing to do with it. In my case no children. I worked, the eX did not. I was paying for everything and when I moved out I continued to pay for everything and was giving the then STBX an extra $…
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 06:47 AM
3

The system is fundamentally broken. The courts care about you having legal representation not because anything different would happen, but because that's how the system works. It's seen as professional. The court sees other attorneys as professionals working in the system, they see self representation as lay people not serious and making their work harder. A perfect example is traffic court. Do you need an attorney for a speeding ticket? Of course not, does having one result in better outcomes (…
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 03:53 AM
2

She is trying to set you up for an abuse charge. That's also why she doesn't want to leave when offered by both her father and yourself. You are literally walking not on eggshell but landmines. The courts do not care about hearsay but they do care about documented records by LEO and the state. Document everything, call an attorney, and prepare for the coming battle. If able either so not let her back in the home or take you children and leave. Request emergency temporary custody and if needed in…
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 03:00 AM
-4

It's a numbers problem. You have to dig through a ton of shit to find the rocks, tons of rocks to find the gems, and tons of gems to find the diamonds. So diamond exist? Yes, but they might make up 4-8% of Western women that are fit for a long term healthy relationship. By fit I mean: physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially. The vast majority of women are fundamentally broken due to our broken society. There are several sub cultures in the USA that raise and lower your odds of success…
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 12:13 AM
2

This! Don't try to control or blunt your emotions, accept them and deal with them; then redirect them. You're going to hear often hit the gym. It doesn't have to be the gym. Just something that causes a great deal of physical exertion. Join Martial arts club, bicycling, running, gym, etc. it doesn't matter what you do, just something that requires of physical effort. This is a process. The STBX (soon to be eX) start at the process months if not years ago, that's why she's handling everything so …
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 06:20 AM
3

Not atypical. Every email, phone call, meeting l, etc billed. And they bill emails based on length / number of words. You don't want or need to discuss anything not directly relating to the case. They are not your therapist, don't just shoot the breeze or talk about how horrible she was. I would write an email, then edit it a few times to the key bullet points. You are paying for everything!
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 09:16 AM
1

I have no idea what the eX interactions with her attorney were, however I do know that: we have no kids, I provided all info she switched attorneys half way through she somehow ran up a greater than $60k bill in a few months with the first group. I suspect that the first group (a pro female divorce group) over charged, told her the husband would cover the costs, and that she talked their ear off about how horrible I am nonstop at $450-500/hr. They most likely were happy to let that bill run up..…
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 09:14 AM
2

My dad alhad this a lot (work related). He would call to contest and report errors, specifically state that he is not to be billed for the conversation regarding their mistakes, and if billed he would drop them. He could do that because they had a budget of hundreds of millions. The system is fundamentally broken. Divorce attorneys are paid more the more they do, having an uncontested divorce is not incentived in the current system.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 09:10 AM
7

Exactly. I filed for divorce, I worked, she did not, we had no kids. I accepted that it was a 50/50 split of all communal assets + spousal support. I told her: no need for attorneys, they will only suck up money that we both could use, and will notnchanhe anything you keep all the furniture, jewelry, artwork and household items (eg linens, plates, etc). I'll pay for the movers and up too 2 months of storage if you need. I'll pay your first and last month rental + deposit we sell the house and sp…
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 05:14 AM
7

In my case I said don't worry about the jewelry, they were all gifts and there no need to fight. Let's just get the divorce done, go to mediation, and get this finished. She then lawyer-ed up and proceed to waste about $400k of potential wealth. So hell yes I requested that the jewelry, artwork and everything else be split 50/50
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 04:16 AM
3

The eX said the same thing 100% of everything that was wrong in the relationship was my fault. When pressed. I asked her. Is there anything in this failing relationship? That's her fault and she answered: that she loves too hard & She chooses to stay with my abusive ass. Of all of our BS, I kind of forgot that was even on the list. Totally dysfunctional relationship...
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 12:46 AM
3

This is what I posted too. The constant weight and tension of the dysfunctional relationship. It's like watching a horror or suspense movie, the never ending sense of dread that 'the monster' is just around the corner...
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 12:43 AM
27

The weight. Weight coming home from work and just feeling that weight in the house. I work nights and I would often hope she's asleep, if the dogs barked I would hope she doesn't wake up. The weight of the constant knowledge that at some point today we are going to have several negative interactions but I don't know when or what is going to cause it and there's not point trying to be nice all the time because these negative interactions are going to occur regardless of my actions or behaviors. T…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 04:51 PM
1

The system is fundamentally broken... Sorry for the drama brother.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 06:12 AM
3

Sent you a DM
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 05:13 AM
11

100% absolute honesty here, I have zero desire to ever interact again for any reason. We have no kids, that chapter in my life is closed. I paid my pound of flesh, and I want to have zero entanglements going forward for the rest of my life. I wish her the best, but she's no longer my concern. My goal is total apathy and indifference. I'm about building my new life, everything into old one is dead to me..
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 04:37 PM
2

The general rule in WA is 1 year of support for every 3-4 years of marriage for mid length marriages. Married 12 years so 3.5 was right in the middle.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 04:33 PM
3

WA state. Kind of middle of the row for how badly you get it. If I knew now that things were going to end this way would have moved to Tx.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 03:59 PM
2

Just put in the Fidelity CMA account. It's basically the same as a HYSA, but the money is automatically swept into their money market fund. Their are slightly higher interest rates out there, however, the CMA acts just like a checking account: Debit VISA, no ATM fees, bill pay, ACH transfers, etc. so you lose about 0.1-0.2% in exchange for the convinced. You can set up auto bill pays (or in case ACH) transfers. Not the most aggressive, but 100% safe and stable. More importantly, I had everything…
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 03:57 PM
3

Yes she will request spousal support because it's her legal right. And spousal support is calculated separately from child support. You can expect: 50/50 split of all communal assets and debts + child support + spousal support. How much varies slight based on both your imputed incomes and state law.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 03:07 PM
2

In my case I filed for the divorce. I stopped wondering after about 2 weeks. Little things come up from time to time after, but my general motto is: not my monkey, not my circus. I truly don't care what she does. I wish her well, but no kids, and once I make my final spousal support payment zero contact or entanglements going forward. My life is too busy, to full, and to focused on the future and growth to spend any mental energy on her. She doesn't deserve it and she's no longer a part of my li…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 11:48 AM
3

There is not correct answer as it depends on the ages and stages of the kids, and how you and the eX communicate with them. Ultimately children learn by example. If you model consistent stable, controlled, mature behavior; while communicating in a neutral loving manner; odds are high (but not guaranteed) they will eventually notice that and slowly move towards you, and notice Mom's crazy. However most children (even as adults) have a huge mental hole when it comes to their parents. Your mom and …
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 11:41 AM
2

Although the general advice is Dubai if able, it really depends on your earning potential, lifestyle, and the cost of living in your area. There are a few scenarios where renting makes more sense, but only if you are investing heavily. For example, I rent. I live on a high cost of living area, in order for me to buy anything, I would have to redirect somewhere between $750,000 to a million dollars of capital. At currently a 7.75% interest rate. On the other hand, I can rent a very nice place for…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 08:22 PM
4

Before you get back on the dating grind step way back and make sure you have taken the time to truly think about what you want out of dating, and what boundaries you are willing to enforce. A LOT of men instead of vetting a girl/relationship, simple 'take what they can get.' she didn't really work, there were some red flags; but she available and seems willing to meet. You have to be willing to walk away from anyone and everyone that is toxic, or falls outside of your boundaries. With that be 10…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 10:44 AM
5

If you share a phone plane check the text and call history. Short term there are sometimes legitimate reasons for these behaviors short term. But they are rare and very uncommon. Also just directly ask her. The simple truth is that unless you are an untrustworthy person yourself, you just trust your gut.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/26 01:55 AM
1

Trust your gut and common sense, she's not a keeper. With that said, IF you can separate love and sex, and she's funny to be with, enjoy it for what it is worth. Just don't make any commitments or long term plans. Not every relationship has to be for life. If you are not that person, or not looking for that, then you need to drop her. Nothing good nor long term is possible with women that act this way.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/26 04:08 AM
2

LOL 😂 Yeah that was a typo, but works all the same lol
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 01:46 PM
5

Recommend looking up stoic philosophy. The most important thing is discipline and consistency. You need to set very small, very achievable goals. This allows you to have successes and then from there you can aim for bigger and better things. A lot of people set their goals too high in the beginning, they're unrealistic and when they fail it reinforces a pattern of continued failure. For example, some people will say something like I'm going to go out and run 5 mi a day everyday for the next week…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 11:18 AM
1

Everything of yours that was created prior to the marriage remains yours, everything that was created during the marriage is a 50/50 split. For example, if you have a 401k that had $100,000 in it when you married, and now it has $200,000 in it. She's entitled to 50,000. On the other hand, if you took an asset and mingled it now, it became communal. For example, if you bought your house before you were married, but then you added her name to the title or mortgage, that has now become a mixed comm…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 04:30 AM
2

You might be able to rebuild, but you won't be able to give your daughters a 'healthy home.' At best they get a home with two parents.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 03:53 AM
8

It's not the medication. This phenomena is well known. An overweight/obese woman loses a ton of weight, believes can do better / deserves better, and attempts to money branch. You see this with bariatric surgery, women that join gyms, etc. Another predictor of divorce is if the woman gets a promotion and starts to earn more than her partner. GLP1 is not the cause, just a catalyst, in hypergamy. Not all women in similar situations will make the same choices, but there are correlations.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 03:50 AM
2

Financial abuse is something that has been pushed because we're looking for ways to become victims. When you can't find 'classic' abuse (no one is physically striking you, verbally abusive, or using sexual coercion) you have to invent new forms of abuse to maintain your victim status. Enter financial abuse. Where does financial abuse? Well that's the great thing. It's whatever we decided to be. Did you ask to buy a Louis Vuitton bag and he said no, that's financial abuse. Did he make more money …
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 03:27 AM
10

The house is just another communal asset. It doesn't matter who has been paying for it. All equity gained during the marriage is communal and split 50/50. The house has two parts: title and mortgage. The title can be changed by going to the court house and paying a fee. However the mortgage, if both your names are on it (or only you but she were to get it) cannot be changed without refinancing. She would need to refinance in her name; apply for loan, be approved, new interest rate, and still owe…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 08:29 AM
6

Sorry for the drama brother. The main thing to keep in mind is it doesn't matter what she says, or how much she smiles, or even what she does. In the end. All communal assets and debts will be split 50/50. That's just how the system works. It doesn't matter who paid for what, who said what, who did or did not do something, etc. Just add up all the communal assets, divide by two, that's what you each get in the end. How that division occurs can be worked out individually however. Let's say for ex…
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/26 04:05 AM
2

OP doesn't want out, he says his wife wants out. He specifically states that he loves her, she's exhausted, but he wants to keep working on things and fighting.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 09:57 AM
5

I am a physician, I work full time at the hospital (ie no clinic) covering the ICU. We have a set schedule and hours. There are open shifts, people get sick, holidays, etc with open shifts. I also did some shifts on the floor (normal patients in the hospital). I am extremely lucky to be my current position, took 18 years of training and 10 years of grinding, but now am very comfortable. As I said she will never be with a man of my status ever again. She's older, obese, has a horrible attitude, a…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 08:08 AM
3

She took her ring off, told me to leave, and I left. Once out of the house I had never been more peaceful and stress-free. I took my ring off about 1 week later, but wore it on a chain around my neck. Much back and forth from there, I ultimately said we should terminate and took it week 2 of the separation. She talked me into on more try, and then about 4 months later I filed for divorce. Ultimately through the ring out the window of a plane (over an unpopulated mountain)
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 07:16 AM
4

Agreed. My family is very focused on academics. I have a BS, PhD and MD. And in no way shape or form would I suggest spending $400k on an undergraduate education for a degree that has zero change of ever recovering those costs. If she wants it bad enough she can choose to go into (nearly life long crippling) debt to cover it. She is allowed to want anything. But that doesn't mean she gets it. I really wanted to go to Johns Hopkins, but had a free scholarship to the state school. My dad said I ca…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 07:05 AM
7

For what it's worth in my case together 17 years, married 12 years, but no kids (which helps a lot). I'll skip the whole story but in the end I filed. Lots of BS. I am a high earner and she didn't work the majority of the marriage. She got 50% of all assets and retirement accounts. She got 55% of the home equity at time of sale (55/45 split, she basically blacked me an old refused to sign off on the sale). And she got huge spousal support: $7500/mo x42 mo = $315k. During the divorce I was court …
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 03:10 AM
2

Be safe out there brother. Hopefully no drama and you two can reach a quick and equitable disillusionment, and child custody agreement.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 10:49 AM
5

The system is fundamentally broken. It's not based on need, it's based on ability to pay. This is why Kevin Costner is paying almost $3,000 a day in child support, the kids don't need that, but he has the ability to pay, and that's how the court bases things. Also remember that the local municipality is receiving Federal subsidies of 60% of the ordered child support. So there is an indirect incentive to keep child support high as well.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 11:28 PM
1

If I you have been together since 17 she's likey your first (or damn close too) love. That's a different beast. You were kids when you meant and haven't really experienced the world yet. Everything that you thought you knew might be coming to an end. And without the extra life experience to fall back on it seems like that end, is the literal end of everything. But it's not. It's just another chapter in your life. Think of your life as a heros journey. Let's say the book has 20 chapters. You star…
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 12:49 PM
5

Sorry for the drama and pain brother. First, work on forgiving yourself. No one is perfect 100% of the time and as you said she has her own issues to deal with. It sounds like the partnership broke down a while ago and you become coworkers instead.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 04:15 AM
1

Do not keep toxic and unhealthy people in your life. You are divorced for a reason. You no longer owe her any explanation for your actions. You no longer need to consider her when making plans. She is now just someone that you use to know...
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 03:46 AM
3

If you don't have kids then 90% plus of the time it's best just to go 100%. No contact. As another poster said you guys are not going to be friends, you can be friendly. You're not going to cheer her on when she starts talking about some new guy that's dicking her down, And she's not going to be excited to see the younger hotter girl that you replaced her with. In fact, keeping her around in your life eats up part of the small time that you have on this planet, and fills a gap that you otherwise…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 05:33 PM
1

Further, the United States government does not imprison people for not paying their debts. They can garnish your wages, and mess with you on all kinds of way, just not jail. The only debt that results in you going to jail if unpaid is child support. We don't even put in sale for failure to pay their taxes...
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 04:20 PM
1

Talk to a local attorney. As a general rule. It doesn't matter what account your general income is in. If you've been earning it during the marriage. Think of it this way if a company has been paying you only in cash, and you put the cash at your friend's house. That money is still half hers. If you have cash that you earned prior to the marriage, that was in a mayonnaise jar left at your friend's house that you never touched, never mixed with income earned during the marriage. Then that's your …
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 10:20 AM
1

I would recommend the book "Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. It's not a blame game it focuses on why you choose this person, choose to stay, and tolerate their abuse. What you describe as having great times mixed with horrible times, like you said, that is neither normal nor healthy. Get the book (audio or paperback) and see if any of the stories resonant with you. You can also check out (free) these two youtube clips about DARVO & JADE (these are dysfunctional…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 09:57 AM
1

I confront the dad. He tells to me leave, we yell at each other. Or I confirm the dad and we have a civilized conversation. What difference does it make?? I don't gain or lose self respect by how other act, it comes internally. I do not control others and I don't care what they think. I care what I do and how I act, and I choose to only (as much as possible) only engage with things I have control over. Personally, I would file for divorce and go no contact with everyone involved. When people act…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 02:49 AM
2

People are not making an argument for against what you said because what you said is irrelevant. This is not as being dismissive, it's just that your argument is irrelevant. The courts are going to order a 50/50 split of all assets. No fault divorce. It truly does not matter in any way shape or form, what party did or did not do, communal assets will be split 50/50. For example, let's say you worked and she stayed home. You have three children. It turns out she's been having an affair since the …
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 10:28 PM
1

I can always make more money, I cannot make more time. Depending on how old the kids are and what your level of future interaction is with them, you can often downgrade and save a lot more than you thought single. It's only going to cause you pain and suffering to run spreadsheets thinking about the money you could have had, or investments you could have made. It's essentially the same thing as asking if you had bought Bitcoin when it was under a dollar. Retirement goals also change. When I was …
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 10:24 PM
1

Unfortunately, the calculation of spousal support is independent of the amount of assets that she acquires during the divorce. In my case we split everything 50/50, including the 50% of debt that was communal. Communal. And she then got calculated a huge amount of spousal support based off my imputed income and her imputed income. Fortunately in my case, although together 17 years, only married 12 years, and in the state of Washington she only got 3 and 1/2 years of spousal support. But I am pay…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 10:19 PM
2

OP I am assuming that you're not a troll. It doesn't matter. Let me repeat it again, it does not matter. 100% of all communal assets and debts will be split $5050 at the time of divorce. It doesn't matter who earned it, it doesn't matter what's fair, it doesn't matter who contributed more. It's completely irrelevant to the question. Take a look at all assets and debts that have occurred since the marriage contract was signed; 50% of that is yours and 50% of that is hers. There's really no gettin…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 10:11 PM
1

No one is saying do nothing and just take it. We're saying you cannot control her or her actions. You can only control your own actions. If this was me personally I would take this as a sign to terminate the relationship. But that's not what OP was asking. He still wants to try to make things work out. He also has a long history of tolerating similar behavior the past. What I'm saying is given the fact you've tolerated this behavior in the past, and this is who she is, and you have no control ov…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 06:55 PM
7

The problem is depending on your state prenups can be thrown out, ignored, modified, or compromised. The most common reason being some form of coercion. That is to say that The woman will claim that the only reason she signed the prenup was because if she didn't he would not marry her. That is a form of coercion. You can work around this by making sure that no party has been taking any medications, alcohol, is under emotional distress, etc prior to signing. Point being that the marriage contract…
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 05:22 AM
1

In no way shape or form are we trying to justify or excuse the wife, or the in-laws. Her actions are not in line with marriage, they're not workable, they're not allowing for open communication. She's withdrawing and she is being selfish. We're not saying that he needs to give her space because what she's doing is morally, right. We're not saying he needs to give her space because she's right. We're saying that you need to take The high ground here. She has every right to withdraw. But her actio…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 02:22 PM
3

Don't worry about it brother. This whole process is a journey. I am a super alpha in most of my life, but was simping hard during most of the marriage and an emotional wreak at the beginning of the divorce. Millions of men have come before you, and millions more will follow. Those of us on he other side are here to tell you that not only does life continue after divorce it's often far better. The end of a dysfunctional marriage is a good thing. I am in the smaller group of men that filed and we …
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 07:09 AM
1

Please don't do that. It's confrontational and combative. OP you need to accept that she is looking for reasons to either end the marriage or she does actually need the space / time and you should respect that. You have communicated yourself clearly and she has chosen to ignore you. Now you need to step back and decide what your boundaries are. You should also go no contact and wait for her to reach out to you. You need to ask yourself how long are you willing to give her no contact before you s…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 06:07 AM
4

CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 02:58 AM
1

That might work, you can do a DIY divorce. If there are no kids and simple assets these can be done for a few hundred dollars. Check the court website for the documents you need, or you find an online one for your state (they are normally worksheets you fill out, a paralegal reviews, an attorney reviews and submits, judge signs off, and done). Mediation services also exist which can cost a few hundred to a couple of thousand. This only works for an uncontested divorce we're both parties are reas…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 09:34 PM
0

This is the real issue. The majority of women in the USA are not fit for long term relationships: physically, emotionally, mentally, or financially. There is however a small percentage that are. A lot of men are interested in that small group, so you have to be among that small percentage of men to qualify for them, and that does not mean that you both have an attraction to each other. So your choices are make sure top percentage of men to be attractive and competitive to that small group of wom…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 05:43 PM
10

Here's something positive. There is still time to back out of this. That's not even me saying that you should never remarry. But you got divorced in 2025? And now you're getting remarried in 2026? There's absolutely no reason to do that. No matter how healed you think you are. You are not. I know lots of guys that remarried and are doing great. But all of them took the time to put the work into healing first. You might be the rare exception, but statistically speaking that is highly unlikely. So…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/26 03:46 PM
2

Without getting too much in the descriptions about the "crimson capsule" We really are just making stuff up and we talk about evolutionary biology or what drives women have. If you were to pull way back, it actually makes sense for a woman to try to get with the most powerful man she can, and it doesn't really matter who she's already bred with. You see this with cats. If you look at lions, the male lion has kids with multiple women. When a new mail takes over one of the first, things that happe…
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/26 02:05 AM
2

You are now divorced, congratulations; you can now ignore anything and everything that she does, says, believes, etc. none of it matters anymore. The only communication that you're required to have is that which is ordered by the court and that which involves your children. If it doesn't involve either of those two things then you can tell her to kick rocks are just completely ignore her. No judge is going to overrule another judge's order that was literally just signed a week ago. The majority …
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/26 09:47 AM
7

It's actually pure BS. First of all, we don't require nor do we ask for them to do a lot of the stuff that they do. Secondly, let's pretend that she spent $500 on her outfit and makeup. She's not using $500 every time she goes out, she's using like 100th of that because the product she buys last for a while. Also if she's going to claim that she gets to get a credit for her makeup and time spent dressing up. Do I get a credit for the Time that I spent going to school, going to work, and investin…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 11:29 PM
4

The culture is change in the system is fundamentally broken. That is just not what is taught to people these days, particularly women. Women now are taught that marriage is slavery, men want to control you, and that you are trapped as a unpaid laborer who is unappreciated. Between social media and pop culture, people are encouraged to always seek better, to believe that they deserve more, and that they're entitled to everything. For a variety of reasons none of this does anything to encourage ma…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 03:32 AM
5

It's not the drug. The same was true with liposuction, when dating apps came out, etc. Anything that allows her to have more access to the dating marketplace, that she perceives increases her SMV (sexual marketplace value), or she can get external validation from social media or her peer group; and this is the result. Not all women are like this. But a significant number are, and our current culture is dysfunctional; which instead of telling women not to act on this encourages the behavior and e…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 03:28 AM
7

It's not the drug, it's female psychology and nature. One of the higher predictors of divorce is an obese woman that has a sudden weight loss. She then things either can do better or deserves better. It's. Basic hypergamy. Not all women act on this, but many do, especially in our current dysfunctional culture. Another good predictor is if the man originally earned more, but the wife gets a higher paying job or a job of higher status. External validation is the life blood for many people, especia…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 03:06 AM
11

It's not the medication, it's the weight loss and her perceived increased SMV (sexual marketplace value). One of the bigger predictors of divorce is an obese woman that loses at lot of weight (or a woman that gets a new job / career boost that causes her to earn more than her husband). For some women once they think they either can do better or deserve better, they checkout and chase that 'better' life and/partner.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 02:55 AM
4

Unless you have children or some other circumstances requiring contact, there is no reason to ever be in contact with your ex again. Even if you have to be in contact or have extreme circumstances, you can ignore anything that's not directly related to that context. So for these multiple texts and other things you simply 100% ignore them, you don't respond at all. If you are forced to interact then you gray rock (look up). In my case together 17 years, married 12 years, no children. Would also g…
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/26 02:45 AM
3

The goal is practice. Try to free yourself from any expectation or goals. Say: this is only for practice, there is no failure state, I'm going to just relax and try things out and see what happens. If it goes good, great; if it goes poorly, also great; because my only goal was practice.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/26 05:28 AM
3

The kids can cope immediately, there is no need not to do 50/50 from day one. Millions of people do this. It provides stability, constantly changing the schedule over time is not stability. There is nothing as permanent as a temporary order.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 01:36 PM
4

You actually are not in love with her. You are in love with the idea of her. The actual person she is, liar, cheater, hurts your feelings, doesn't want to be in a relationship, rejects you, ultimately does not want you... You don't want to be with that person and you're not in love with that person. You're in love with the idealized image of her that you're holding in your mind; but that person in your mind and the reality of who she is; they're not the same person. It takes some time, but you w…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 08:52 AM
19

Cut and paste. Look up the light switch effect: I call this the light-switch effect. And it happens when a woman is no longer attracted to you and is moving on, whether or not she cheated. It's not that she's discrediting all the past good in the relationship, she actually believes it never existed. Let me expand on that a little, and tie it into what we call Briffault's law. Women use their emotional state to define reality- we already know this. When a man feels an emotion, he asks, what could…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 05:39 AM
2

The whole bit is excellent 👍
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 07:27 AM
5

They are not all the same but we are all human. The system is fundamentally broken, and it encourages certain behavior and choices. Bottom line, the more custody and time with the kids she gets, the more child support she gets. And in case you didn't know, the more money the local municipality gets from the federal government. For every dollar of child support you pay, the federal government gives $0.60 to the local municipality. So the state is also incentivised to award large child support. So…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 05:28 AM
1

If you overpaid the full amount and you have a disillusionment agreement or binding settlement; then you take her back to court for the money cuz it was an error. If you don't have the official court order or documents then yes you have a huge problem. Because she's basically going to argue. That was a gift that you gave her. Either way, you need to immediately talk to your attorney. If possible freezer request your bank to reverse the funds.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/26 04:52 AM
2

Addition to one of my previous posts. OP You can still have children and a family if that's what you want. Just be clear about that at the beginning of the relationship and only be with a woman who is both of childbearing age and genuinely excited about having children.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/26 01:05 AM
1

A man needs to be fit: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financially fit. When we say physically fit people of course focus on exercise. But physical fitness also means healthy: brushing your teeth, regular bathing and grooming, eating right, exercise, going to bed at a reasonable time, not smoking, not drinking, not doing drugs, indulging but not being dependent on externals, etc I never like shopping. When I was married. The eX would want to go out to towels or pillowcases or …
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 03:59 PM
14

Sorry for the drama brother. To State what you already know, she chose you and accepted you because you were a utility and a tool. It's not that she never loved you, she just didn't love you the way that you think. Sort of like a car, you get that first car and you love that car. You have great adventures with it, you care for it, you change the oil, you wash it. It's valuable to you and it's important. But over time the car served its purpose, and now you're ready for something new or something…
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 03:52 PM
1

Ontario Businessman to Pay $50K+ a Month in Spousal Support Despite No Home or Kids Together https://www.todocanada.ca/ontario-businessman-to-pay-50k-a-month-in-spousal-support-despite-no-home-or-kids-together/ Here you go. This is Canada...
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 12:24 PM
2

I was in a very similar situation. Fortunately when I failed we got a court date 11 months later. The eX canceled mediation twice, refused to discuss the sale of the house. We missed the hottest market that will probably be for decades to come and probably could have easily made an additional $100 to $300,000 on the home sale. She also got attorneys when we had agreed that we wouldn't do that, and then she proceeded to waste a total of about $400,000 of potential wealth. I think the general conc…
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 03:48 AM
3

I just don't care about other people or what they think. I don't have the time in this short life to worry about how other people might judge me, or what may or may not be considered socially appropriate. If they're asking the question, I either choose to answer or I choose not to. If I choose not to answer, then I say: I'm not going to discuss that with you. If I choose to answer then I'm honest. Personally, I think life is too short to worry about these things. If this is about dating future w…
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 03:37 AM
4

You no longer need to worry about hurting your feelings or her reactions. The best thing to do is to be direct as possible. For example: I'm requesting that you not have conversations with your affair partner in front of me and the children. That's it. She's free to accept or reject your request. Look up gray rock, that should be your interaction with her going forward for all things. Again, you should also ask her to leave the house. She can say no and that's fine. It's simply a request.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 10:30 AM
5

File Tell her your preferences and requests Ask her to leave to the home
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 09:39 AM
3

The system is fundamentally broken. I think it's not going to change until more women are forced to pay. Go out there and do what you got to do for the team sir 🫡
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 06:32 AM
2

It's the spouse's support that really gets me. My last payment is on May 1st, I'm not paying as much as you( just about half) but that's the thing that really weighs heavy on me . I lost 50% of everything. Okay, I'm starting over. I move on. But that lingering entanglement, that continued payment to her. I'm still working for her years after the divorce. That part's what's always set worse with me.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 05:55 AM
9

This is hard to answer directly. If you ask how much did I lose in the divorce: Attorneys: $20k+ Savings/Wealth: $500k Potential wealth: $125k (she refused to sell the house at the height of the market) Spousal support: $315k On the other hand, now that I am divorced and single, I'm able to save exponentially more money than I was married. I got hit hard, but I'm a high earner and I'm able to earn back most of that money. Further while I was married I was not exactly saving a lot of money cuz we…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 04:56 AM
0

You will NOT get full custody unless she agrees or abandons the kids. Your goal is 50/50 custody and residency. After the divorce IF she abandons the children you can slowly push for more custody. You have to understand and accept that the system is fundamentally broken. It does not operate on logic or reason. Nor does it truly operate on the best interest of the child. Your goal in divorce is to split all communal assets and debts 50/50. Each get 50% child custody and residency, ideally with no…
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 01:25 PM
3

CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash…
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 01:17 PM
2

Take it very very slow. You need to work on having 100% honest, direct, communication at all times. IF both parties are willing then things can sometimes work. Would recommend the Gottman Method or other workshops to learn how to communicate and resolve problems. The biggest thing is to have firm boundaries and clearly communicate them; and have her do the same. Learn to sit without judgement and hear each other. Then decide if things are workable or unworkable. Wish you luck no matter which way…
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 11:47 AM
7

As much as this sucks and sounds crazy people have done this. Take care of your kids until they are adults, apply to have spousal support terminated. If they come back with no, until you die. Then consider abandoning the system and escaping overseas. You can never return to the west, and need a source of income. But have to weigh that against being a wage slave until you die.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 04:15 AM
8

She is NOT the love of your life, otherwise you would still be together. She is one of literally millions of women that could be the love of your life. She is not one in a million, she is one of millions. If you do not have kids or any reason to continue interacting then you should go no contact and remove this woman from your life. Understand that any relationship, especially your unhealthy one, is limiting the next stage of your life. You cannot move on or build space for a new relationship dr…
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 04:12 AM
11

Let me add a little perspective. Whatever you said several years ago it doesn't matter. It's not the reason that you guys are where you are right now. It might be some evidence that she's using, it might be a story. She tells herself to justify what's going on, but odds are high that it is not the actual reason. As you said, she's done with the relationship. This means that she's taken months, if not years to process everything mentally and emotionally before she had the conversation with you. G…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 03:04 PM
6

Ok_builder_3285: hey man. I see you on several different forms including dating, single guys, older guys, single dating, this form, etc. And look through your history. I'm going to assume you're not trolling and you're really hurting. You're 45 years old or so if I remember. Your life sucks because you're not making the choices to make it better. I know that sounds harsh and unfair because we don't know the circumstances of your life. But here's the truth of the matter, it doesn't matter. It doe…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 12:14 PM
6

I have a cousin that had two children with his now ex-wife, and they do very well divorced. All four of them sometimes hang out together, they describe each other as best friends. They date other people, and they somehow make it work. They are the only couple I know that has that relationship. Everyone else is either 100%, no contact, or various levels of tolerance. Truth is there's a reason that you're getting divorced, if you guys were functional together, you probably still be married . The r…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 02:37 AM
3

Don't kill them with kindness, torture them with fucking success! - David Goggins Block all of them, cut them out of your life. There's nothing of benefit they can do. There are people that will argue. There's no harm in monitoring from afar, but they're actually there is. We only have so many seconds on this Earth and then we die. Why do you want to waste even one second of time on something that's not moving you towards your greater goal and greater life. No matter what's going on on social me…
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/26 04:23 PM
1

You're asking the wrong questions. What is it that you want? Because it sounds like what you want to do is get our permission to terminate your marriage. We aren't the ones that can give it, that has to be a personal choice on you. As for her insurance and needs; Understand, if you choose to divorce her, she is no longer your responsibility.
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/26 01:03 PM
1

Don't kill them with kindness, torture them with fucking success. You're being disrespected, that means it's time to end the relationship. You want to know the best way to get back at her, it's not to play her game, it's not to go to her level. The best way to get back at her is to go out and live your best life. Just show a complete indifference and apathy. Indifference drives women insane, demonstrating that you don't give fuck about her putting that she has no power over you is the best reven…
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/26 01:00 PM
3

There are no good choices, but here's some general things to consider. Child support ends. Once it does save and invest everything you can. This might mean working until your mid to late 60's. Anything you can do when your child is not with you to earn extra money. If your budget is already balanced then every dollar is saving for the future. If your employer has any matching program use it. I don't know if Canada has any retirement or pension program, but if so look up how much you might be abl…
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/26 10:36 AM
3

It's BS all around. Sounds like your friend is going to have a short marriage followed by a hard divorce. However, that has nothing to do with you, if you're invited and you want to go, go. If you're not invited then don't go. People are going to do what they're going to do. Lots of us are here because we made bad decisions as well...
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 10:39 AM
9

There's no right answer, but there's a lot of wrong answers and bad choices. A lot of men do not have a mission. In the absence of a mission, they feel bored and directionless. A lot of men end up making the relationship or their family their mission to fill that space . Since most of the time the divorce is initiated by the woman, the men kind of lose their sense of self. And the absence of that the feel that they need an external in order to get back on track or have a mission . So unfortunate…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 04:14 AM
2

If you have enough money, it doesn't matter. If you don't have enough money, it matters a lot. Ultimately 50/50 split of all communal assets and debts. Keep it civil, keep it legal, agree to a 50/50 split. We get it, I was right there with you. And my case together. 17 years, married 12 years, no kids. I was willing to walk away from everything just for the freedom and the peace. Fortunately she fucked everything up, and in doing so, remove the feelings of guilt, shame and worry. I had; in the e…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 01:41 PM
3

She cannot make unilateral decisions and then demand you pay. Confirm what's in the agreement. If not in the agreement tell her you will agree to adding the children to your insurance and you each pay 50% of the premium (which I suspect is why she doesn't want them on your plan).
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 12:45 PM
4

Would recommend the book "Models" by Mark Manson. Focuses on stepping back and asking yourself what you actually want in a relationship and from women, to be vulnerable, to be honest, and most importantly to be direct. You want to work on apathy. The apathy shall set you free. You don't want to focus on one-itis or get two focused on one individual. There is no shortage of women on the planet, they're everywhere. There is a shortage of good women. However. It's largely a numbers game. You have t…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 05:23 AM
5

Don't kill them with kindness. Torture then with fucking success - David Goggins
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 02:32 AM
3

There is nothing wrong with just wanting to have meaningless sex with another consenting adult. Be that FWB, P2P, ONS, etc. I suggest human contact over masterbation. The real question is can you have sex without emotional connection? What moral / ethic issue do you have with sex? Life is short, then we die. There are a ton of women out there that also just want to have sex, no relationship or commitment. Just be honest with yourself and with any woman you meet. We are all consenting adults.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 06:48 AM
5

This is not true of all women, but it is very common in the majority of women that filed for divorce. In other words, among failed relationships, very typical of the female mindset. However, not all females are in a relationship, or in a failed relationship. The problem is with the value add proposition. Most men look at women and hope that they never change, most women. Look at men and see their "potential." Many women get into relationships, hoping or planning that the guy will change with tim…
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 07:22 AM
1

She might also be recording the conversations and trying to get you to attack her...
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/26 01:29 PM
5

For a lot of people, it's really just about convenience, or rather the huge inconvenience of changing their name again. Remember, this means you have to change everything: your passport, Visa, credit cards, bank accounts, every time you apply for a job or a background check they asked do you have any previous names? And now you have to put in two two( even though one of them is the same ). It's a huge pain in the ass. And for a lot of people. If they've been using that name for years or even dec…
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 11:48 PM
2

The attorneys are paid based off the time spent on the case. That time does not have to be useful or productive. In fact, just the opposite, the system is fundamentally broken and rewards them for being inefficient . The more high conflict you have than the more billable hours are created. Unless something directly relates to the final settlement. The best response is no response. You are not required to answer every response that she puts forward, which can lead to a never-ending spiral of back…
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 05:07 AM
2

That is not normal, because it is not complete. This leaves a huge window for potential drama and conflict down the road. Yes, contact your lawyer and get everything that was in the settlement agreement added to the final divorce decree . In theory, your settlement agreement is good enough, but it doesn't have the full power of the Court behind it. And it means she can try to cause more issues in the future when things occur. And if it involves money, you can count on there being drama. Good luc…
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 12:31 PM
6

In my case together for 17 years, married 12 years, no kids, she didn't work. I moved out of the house after she told me to leave, once out of the house. I'd never been more peaceful and stress-free; ultimately I filed for divorce . I was paying for everything anyway so I just kept paying for everything and I was giving her an additional about $2,500 a month for life, expenses, legal fees, whatever. She took me to court and got court ordered temporary spousal support which forced me to pay the m…
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 09:15 AM
4

There are several different institutions that we use when we say marriage: social, religious, legal. I will never sign the legal contract ever again. But I'm not opposed to a social or religious ceremony if that's something that I found the right person for. Because I am interested in name monogamous long-term relationship. The problem with the legal contract is that the system is fundamentally broken. Everyone acknowledges that the system is fundamentally broken, but traditionalists and other p…
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 07:39 PM
6

Upset might not be the right word, it's difficult to tell when text messages on the internet. I think the key thing here is that she admits that she's selfish, had no interest in the guy even though she chose to marry him, and then she chose to leave . In and of itself, this is perfectly fine if they were dating. But they weren't dating. They were married, they entered into a legally binding government contract that has lots of ramifications. And it appears OP is stating that he'll never get mar…
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 05:22 PM
1

Several things can be true at the same time. There are horrible women out there who for some reason decided to record themselves on the internet. And there are men providing useful information about statistically true statements. It is also true that if you want to attract a high quality woman, you need to be fit: physically fit, emotionally, fit, mentally fit, and financially fit. It is also true that the majority of young men have been squeezed out of the sexual marketplace, while the majority…
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 01:28 AM
1

From a purely progressive standpoint promiscuity is bad for both men and women. However, real world they're totally different. The short version is that it is very easy for a woman to be promiscuous. An average looking woman can pursue multiple sexual partners with exceedingly little effort, including landing men who are of greater attractiveness . This is not true for men. Average looking men do not have access to multiple sexual partners, particularly partners who are more attractive or of hig…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 06:05 PM
5

There is always a moral, ethical, religious, cultural, etc. Answer to these questions. The truth is is that consenting adults can do whatever they want, but are you willing to deal with the consequences of your choices . Some people can engage in transactional sex and are perfectly fine with it. Some people cannot( usually due to the cultural and morals of their society that leave they've internalized ). If it works for you and it's not costing a lot of money, then you should just do what you fe…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 05:52 PM
1

In my case together for 17 years, married 12 years, no kids. We were never healthy, eventually after a nothing fight she told me I had to leave. So I left. Once out of the house I had never been more peaceful and stress-free. Ultimately I told her that we should terminate and I filed for divorce( a lot happened in between ). Remember that no is a complete sentence. And as others have stated, you can just say that it's an inappropriate question. Our current situation, I will not be discussing the…
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/26 07:02 AM
2

I'm going to assume you're not a troll, this is an honest question. Your entire bases and projection are incorrect. Marriage has multiple institutions: social, religious, legal. The social and religious are beautiful, if you want to exchange vows before your deities, go through a ceremony, have a large family gathering, etc that's all fine and good. However, what you're referring to is legal marriage. Legal marriage is a binding contract that you enter into with the state. The marriage contract …
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/26 11:59 AM
3

Sorry for the situation you find yourself in. Let's address problem 2 first. Understand that if you have communal assets they will be split 50/50, the same for communal debt. There is essentially no way out of that. The only time that you could have done anything was before you mix them together, once it's communal it's communal. You just need to accept that and deal with it. Related to problem too is if she's a stay-at-home mom, she will be imputed based off her education and work history; but …
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/26 11:52 AM
2

Marriage is not meant to be an institution for happiness, contentment, or even satisfaction. Satisfaction. The primary goal was to have a family, a partnership, insecurity. With that said, some marriages are unworkable and unsafe. If there's any infidelity, emotional/mental/visible abuse, psychopathy, substance abuse, etc etc . Do you guys have poor kids, the real question is is she workable. If you guys have a workable marriage then you should have a serious open direct conversation about what …
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/26 10:29 AM
1

WA state. There are some regional variations so always listen to your lawyers, not advice from the internet. I just put together a generic cut and paste because the question comes up so often. But obviously you got to look at the individual laws and regulations for your region. WA does not have legal separation either. We do have a 90-day cooling off. Before the final divorce decree can be put in place. MD used to have a one-year separation requirement prior to the final divorce decree, but they…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/26 03:21 AM
4

Although this is possible, vaccines are 100% safe, as he's mentioned, the kids have gotten all their previous vaccines, and this is most likely the wife simply executing control. More than likely she saw an opportunity to state that he did something bad, and now she can think she can manipulate him and control the system by saying see look. He's a bad person. He violated the MSA.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/26 03:19 AM
3

I have no idea what was driving her decision-making processes. I offered the max because the laws the law, and I wanted things to be done as quickly as possible. But at the time I also had intense feelings of guilt and abandonment. I made a promise and vow that we'd be together till death. Do us part, and neither one of us was dead. So I think I was also offering the max so that I could alleviate some of my guilt and she would have a softer landing and easier transition. I neither know, nor care…
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/26 01:12 PM
2

CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash…
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/26 01:08 PM
6

My parents did this when they divorced( I was in Middle School ). And it's great when things work out that way. However, it is also not uncommon to have incredibly contentious divorces where the kids are weaponized. The state has a vested interest in making sure a child support is as expensive as possible, as the federal government will give usually 0.6 to the dollar to the local municipality based off the amount of child support ordered. Women have a vested interest in going for as much custody…
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/26 04:06 AM
2

Let's step way back and think about both your question and your story. Step one. Remember that everything people do they do for a reason, but not necessarily for a logical reason . Step two understand that women are primarily motivated by emotions and not by logic and reason. This means that if you want to understand her thought process, remove logic and reason and instead think about her feelings, her emotions, and her thought processes instead . Step three she knows that you are an army vet, a…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 02:47 PM
7

Super common. The ex was always a little overweight even when I first met her, and she became obese with time. Got as high as 250 lb and about 5'8. I truly didn't see it, yeah she was fat, yeah she could lose some weight, but I really thought that she looks hot most of the time. During the divorce we had basically been deadbed for 2 years except for a love bomb attempt. When I first filed. I was throwing away pictures and found a picture of us at a family reunion and she looked horrible. I mean …
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 08:00 PM
3

Women have more trouble with accountability than men, but it manifests itself in different ways. Women are far more interested in group dynamics and group approval. That means it's very difficult for them to be the bad guy in their own story or the bad guy in the group. Therefore, they will do everything possible to try to paint a narrative of themselves as the victim and the other party as the aggressor or attacker. This is why you hear strange things from both men and women who are abusive: yo…
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 12:26 PM
1

Many women lack the ability to be the bad guy in the story. Therefore, you must be the bad guy. In fact, even when women are cheating, tell you they want to get divorced, they still will want you to file. Why? Because then they can tell everyone that you're the one that filed, it's like it's get out of jail free card in her brain. In my case together for 17 years, married 12 years, no kids. Ultimately she told me to leave the house, and I left. Once out of the house. I'd never been more peaceful…
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 10:37 AM
4

It's because the crazy is a lot more unrestrained, primal, sometimes even combative than normal sex with a woman who is raised to be traditional, conservative, modest, embarrass. It's also part of the guy's poor Madonna complex. For a lot of guys, it's a little difficult to look at the woman who is the mother of your children, your partner in life, who seen you cry and vulnerable and supported you through the roughest of times, and who you respect and love of all your heart; and then dress her l…
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 09:49 AM
3

I'm also in the group that's 100% better post divorce. I was simping par during most of the marriage. I genuinely believe that the harder I worked, the more I would be appreciated, and I also felt that the harder I worked, the more I could solve our problems. I didn't see any problems as insurmountable; it just required more work, more dedication, and more focus. However, that was 100% the wrong altitude to bring into the marriage, particularly with the unworkable partner that I had at the time.…
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 09:42 AM
1

CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash…
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/26 01:24 PM
1

You have to remember the majority of women make decisions based off emotions and feelings. Not logic. If she was able to get you when she was fat and unattractive, but it only stands the reason she should be able to get better than you when she's then and hot. Now does the person that they actually cheat or end up with or even choose fulfill these criteria? Typically not. But that's because again, they're making decisions based off feeling and emotion and not based off quantitative measurements.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/26 01:21 PM
1

Sorry for the drama brother. One of the things that you wrote was that you were there with her before the surge when she lost all the weight. One of the highest predictors of divorce is when women lose weight in the marriage, almost 85%. It doesn't work the way you think, it's not necessarily that everything that happened was fake beforehand, is that she reinvents the history in her mind. Look up the lights which effect. In paragraph. Basically once she lost the weight, and she thought that she …
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/26 10:37 AM
9

Congratulations man! That's a major win for you. My last spousal support payment is May 2026. I accept that's the price I had to pay for freedom, but it was financially a pretty big hit and hard pill to swallow. Be safe out there
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/26 06:58 AM
1

Be aware that a vasectomy does NOT decrease the amount of semen that you produce, it makes the sperm infertile.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/26 05:20 AM
1

Yeah brother we know. Stay strong and stay on course. It's ok to cry, scream, rage, or do whatever is needed; but not in public and never in front of the STBX. Save it for when you're safe or with people that actually love you. Remember, hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is. Hate is an incredibly power and binding emotion. The goal is apathy and indifference. It takes time and practice, however it does come, and on the other side and peace and freedom.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 07:23 AM
1

You said this is your soon-to-be ex which means the divorce isn't finalized. Until the divorce is finalized. You need to play nice, and work out a fair and amicable final separation agreement/ decree. Once that's done and the court is everything on lockdown, it's still a good idea to try to co-parent and avoid drama. However, once things are locked, if you decide that you want to either anonymously or directly do things that will hurt the relationship, that's perfectly fine. But recognize doing …
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 01:29 AM
4

This is incorrect and not true. Audits are initiated by the IRS, not by individuals, and you did not break any laws. Could she possibly try to use it for ammunition during the final decree/ separation, of course, he's free to try anything seeming: but the courts don't care. You guys should work out as part of your final decree what the plan will be for the children going forward. Then you follow whatever that order is.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 01:18 AM
1

I would also recommend if you haven't gotten: "Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad "Stop walking on eggshells" by Paul Mason The first book was exceedingly helpful for me going through the separation and divorce. The emotional abuse and manipulation became so normative that I really had to unplug from the system in order to fully appreciate it. Yes, I knew that some of the things she did were abnormal or unusual. Yes I thought some of her words were hurtful and cru…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 01:14 AM
2

Glad the drama is finally coming to a close. When's the final entanglements are done( transfer of any money, selling of the home, etc) Hopefully you can go no contact and just be free of each other for the rest of your life. You didn't mention kids, so I assume there are none or they are grown and out the house. In my case, the divorce actually took about 11 months, felt like a hell of a lot longer, and like you during that time I was still the person paying for the entire mortgage and all utili…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 01:06 AM
6

The thing about people posting trips on social media is they are largely doing it to try to share what they want others to think their life is, not with their life actually is. Social media is not particularly social. How many times have you seen people, even couples, sad, depressed and arguing but the smile and take that selfie in front of a fountain. People post Day in the Life videos as if that was actually a day in their life. Everyone's trying to show that they're a baller and have some kin…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 12:56 AM
2

Yes, maybe the expression should have been under the table (sorry).
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 06:16 PM
4

If you have kids you have a LOT to potentially lose. Cheating is never acceptable. It's either discuss: with her that you want an open relationship, but will keep it 100% off the table and never have it be in her face. suggest that she just let's you 'use her' for physical release. Caution! The few guys I know that did this (and talked about it, unknown and unsaid are also out there) both parties became resentful. masturbate as needed cheat without talking to her (potentially high risk, but not …
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 02:35 PM
1

Disagree/ partly wrong. It's the internet, it is very common on the internet and on Reddit for people to look at your post history. So you have a better idea of both context and where you're coming from . This is because some people are trolls, some people have genuine issues, some people even themselves say look at my post history to figure out more about what's going on with me. And in this particular case, the post history does give a clearer picture of what's going on and raises some serious…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 03:25 AM
1

She is your ex for a reason. If you have soul custody, you receive no child support, and you were the sole person providing financial support for the children; then the tax deduction is yours. If your divorce decree or parenting plan says something different; then follow the plan/ decreed. Otherwise no is a complete sentence. Her financial issues be they successful or otherwise; are no longer your concern or issue.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 03:55 PM
1

It's the principle of the thing more than the specific content. You're right that family is important, but it's not a trip that is under his control, or that he planned, or that she discussed with him. Let's say that she decides the kids need to fly first class, non-stop, be picked up by a driver at the airport, and that they also need spending money during the trip of $1,000 each week, and of course the grandparents need to be fed. You can't expect them to cook every meal so he should also cove…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 03:48 PM
11

That doesn't really address the question. Unless you two are planning to have more children, and it sounds like that's not the case, what is to be gained by having the government get involved( once again) and your love, life and relationship. I understand that you love her and I understand that things are working out. But statistically speaking second marriages have an even a higher divorce rate than first. You can spend your lives together, be committed to each other, have combined bank account…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 08:39 AM
2

It's an incredibly personal and individual decision. Some people are capable of having casual meaningless intimate encounters. Some people are not. Do you have to ask yourself? Which camp are you in . Personally, I just don't get much out of sex unless I have some emotional connection to the person. And when I first got divorced and during the separation I just didn't have any interest and emotional connection with another woman. Therefore I abstained. On the other hand, I know guys that can com…
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 01:40 PM
2

Do NOT communicate directly with the STBX. That's what the attorney and mediation is for. You workout what you believe to be both fair and legal, and that's what you accept in mediation. In my case (no kids) spousal support was the big sticking issue during mediation. Long story short she got 1/3 of my base net for 3.5 years = 42 months. Now if I went to court I might have been able to get that down a touch but it was within the legal limits so I accepted that.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 11:58 AM
18

What you're feeling is perfectly normal. It's because you lack a mission. You wake up each day not because you have a driven goal that is fulfilling, but because you have responsibilities, other people to take care of, and as you said just killing time until death. A mission doesn't mean going to work, doing the laundry, or even necessarily taking care of yourself and your kids. The missions the driving thing in your life, which provides you with: satisfaction, fulfillment, contentment, duty. Fo…
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 05:17 AM
3

Don't know the circumstances of your divorce and we don't know the relationship you have with your family. In my case, a disturbing number of family members either were no surprise, about time, or surprised but incredibly supportive. Your parents love you, and if you have a good relationship, they're going to support you. If you see them starting to steer the conversation, the topics you don't want to go to; just tell them that and respectfully ask them to change the subject or that you're not r…
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 06:13 PM
8

You're building a new you. Your entire software has to change. You have to move out of a husband mode and husband mindset, into the new you mindset. The goal is to be fit: financially fit, emotionally, fit, mentally fit, and financially fit. You need to actively choose this new person and new life that you're building. Step way back and take a big broad view of the life that you want to live. Write down everything that that entails. Then think about what's necessary to achieve it. How long? Extr…
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 03:30 PM
2

LOL at your son's statement. When even the kids know, you know things had to be a total shit show. Glad you don't have that worry / anxiety on your back any more. Strong work brother
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 02:58 AM
2

You are still trying to work under husband software. The idea being that if only she could understand something then her actions will affect me/ us. There is no us. And whatever she does, it now has zero impact on you. You're still seeing her as an extension of yourself, or that there's some kind of we involved. Let's play make believe. Scenario A: She gets your letter, calls you up, laughs in your face and tells you you're a pathetic fool. Scenario B: She gets your letter, calls you up, tells y…
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 01:00 AM
3

Your brain software needs to be rewired. The truth is you do not want your ex. You're not even in love with her. You are in love with the idea of her, a version of her that exists in your mind. The truth is you do not want somebody who does not want you, or who has treated you the way that she has. But your brain has messed with you, and has convinced you somehow that there's something special or unique about her, and that in the absence of her, your life is somehow harmed. Truth is you're reall…
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 12:49 AM
1

Queen. Fine solo, and if the g/f stays over encouraged cuddles. I don't plan to ever cohabitate again, but IF I did would go back to the king.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 04:15 PM
2

In my case together for 17 years, no kids, and I am the one that filed for divorce. Financially it was devastating. However, I accepted I had to pay the price for freedom and peace. In the end, I can always make money, however I cannot create more time. Even owing a ton of spousal support I have more discretionary income than married. I worked and she didn't, so I was (at the time happily) paying for everything. Now I have greatly decreased expenses, am debt free, and saving like crazy. In theor…
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 02:03 AM
2

Homemakers do not work. At least not in the way that you're trying to State. Let me put it to you this way, let's say that you work at a retirement home and your only job is to wipe geriatric butts. That is your sole job. There is a pay that is necessary for somebody to engage in that job. Question: how much money are you owed for wiping your own butt? If I hire a maid, a cook, a housekeeper, a nanny, etc. They expect to be paid for the work that they perform. How much are you owed? If you decid…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 12:19 PM
5

This is why there has to be a separate men's forum. This is not an insult but please hear this. With all respect, if a man cheats people always say that he was a dog. If a woman cheats people ask what drove her to do that. As if there was something lacking from the relationship or from her man that caused her to cheat absolving her responsibility. She cheated because she's a liar, and she chose to break her marriage vows rather than terminate her relationship. It doesn't matter how bad the relat…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 10:24 AM
4

If you live in a state for which adultery matters, no spousal support, affects child support or child custody, affects division of communal assets, etc. Then by all means you should pursue this. If on the other hand it does absolutely nothing (which is the most common course for most states) then there's no need to bother. You might be able to threaten her with outing the affair as a psychological or social pressure to get her to comply with a wish in mediation. But one of the issues of no fault…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 04:41 PM
3

This entire process requires a mental transformation that you are not yet fully engaged in. That's because it's just too soon. She's already moved on mentally, she's been planning this for months if not years. You just got a shotgun blast to your chest and are trying to deal with the initial injury, let alone healing. What's going to happen in time is you're going to realize you do not actually love this woman. You actually are in love with the idea of her and the idealized version of her. You a…
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 06:52 PM
1

It's a communal debt on a communal piece of property. Listen to your attorney, but it sounds like joint funds/ communal funds are fine. In my case, I worked in the x did not. Due to a bunch of sales. We owed about $45,000 to the IRS at the time of the divorce/separation. She did not want to pay half of that. Her brief argument was that since I'm the only one working, I'm the only one that's responsible for the tax bills. To which of course my response was. Since I'm the only one working, I shoul…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:41 PM
7

It makes sense, it just doesn't make logical sense. Everything that happens happens for a reason, just not a logical reason . Ideally women want to have their cake and eat it too. Yes, I destroyed the relationship, yes, I lied, cheated, betrayed my vows, etc. But look we're still friends, we're adults about it, everything's okay, it's better this way, I did it for us, etc etc They're not allowed to be the villain in their own story.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:26 PM
5

The percentage of women in the west that are fit for long-term relationships is incredibly small. Probably around 8 to 12%. Of that number though. How many of them are you attracted to and how many of them were attracted back to you. In the end it's simply a numbers game. You have to dig through a lot of shit to find the rocks, a lot of rocks to find the gems, and a lot of gems to find the diamonds. To start the vetting process, you also need to first have strong boundaries, and know what you're…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:30 AM
4

I'm going to say something that might be somewhat misunderstood or difficult to hear. Divorce has nothing to do with who you are, how good of a father you are, how good of a husband you were, or anything like that. Divorce is literally two parties who are diametrically opposed to each other, fighting it out to hurt the other person. It doesn't have to be that way, and sometimes it's not, but that is how the system is set up. The system is set up so that your attorney gets paid and her attorney g…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 09:08 AM
12

I never dated, first serious girlfriend, virgin when we met, together for 17 years married 12 years. Years. We were never healthy, I ultimately filed for divorce. I am now 51 years old and have had a girlfriend for the last couple years.who's been fantastic. I am never marrying again. And I think I've pretty much missed out on having kids. The question is, what are your goals in life. I don't need a woman to be in my life to be joyous, complete and fulfilled. At best women are a nice addition to…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 07:17 PM
3

The feelings that you have are 100% normal. And based off the choices you make in life, they are only temporary. In this moment. Everything feels like it will last forever, but truth is you are still in the peak of your life. You have so much life left to live, so much growth left to experience, you were going to do great in the future. As somebody else mentioned, there's often this feeling that if only I could love again, or find the right relationship, that would be healing for me. That is a m…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 11:41 PM
4

Inheritance is normally exempt unless you co-mingled it to make it commutal money. The divorce is already finalized unless it was withheld during discovery it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what the eX or her attorney say. By definition they're going to just lie to you and hope that you cough up money. You need to talk to a local attorney or your previous attorney to confirm things. In the end she won't get the money, but this is going to cost you more time and money to defend. Sorry for the …
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 07:38 PM
2

Sorry for all the drama brother. Da Nang is a really cool spot and location. The people that are making it there are less than $1,000 a month are partially misleading, it certainly can be done, but you need to keep things very inexpensive, live more like a local and not like a Westerner . Ultimately, though, part of what you're describing is two things. One is you trying to find a cheaper geographical area to live in based off your limited resources. That makes 100% sense . But you're also descr…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 05:00 AM
2

In my case no kids. But she was also my first love, we were together for 17 years and married 12 years. I was a virgin when we met, and I also am the one that decided to terminate the marriage. To the best of my knowledge no cheating. However, we were never really that healthy; and she was continuously belittling, attacking, manipulative, controlling, etc. Ultimately, that was partly on me as I allowed the behavior, tolerated the behavior, and even in many ways encouraged or reinforced the behav…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 04:48 AM
2

It takes time for your brain and priorities to realign themselves out of husband mode. Depending on how long you were married and I'll commit it, you were. It can take quite a while. One of the reasons that most people recommend no contact, unless there's kids and then keeping things. Only about the kids, is for this reason . In my case no kids, so I maintain zero contact with the ex. It's in my nature to fill that husband role. I want to be helpful, I want to be considerate, I want to be giving…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 02:16 AM
3

Ideally you don't. You add up the value for all those items and then make sure there's a 50/50 split in value to each party. Ideally you are not so petty as to have too. I took my PC, gaming stations, etc and she keep her stuff. With that said, the eX keep one of my headsets that was worth about $1k and never returned it (part of the price of freedom). I didn't fight for the Jewelry or art, I said she could keep it all. HOWEVER, she didn't like that meant I got a credit :) So she gave me 50% of …
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 12:45 AM
1

CUT & PASTE The house has two parts. Title and mortgage. Changing the name on the title is as simple as a few forms and fees at the court house. The mortgage however cannot be changed without refinancing. 3 choices: refinance loan, assumption loan or sell the house. If you get a new loan she still has to get her half of the equity. Either you buy her out (cash), an unequal distribution, or roll into spousal support. If you sell the house, again it's a 50/50 spilt or the equity can be use in lieu…
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/26 10:12 AM
3

Not trying to be negative, but at the population level certain things hold true. The general rule is that by the time she's dropping the divorce bomb on you, it is way too late for any kind of dating or therapy. She has been thinking about this for months if not years. You just got hit with the shotgun to the chest, but she has already had the time to go through all of the healing, moving on, and planning. She was out the door way before she told you her intentions. From your point of view, you'…
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/26 09:34 AM
1

"It's a trap!!" Are words to live by. You are terminating the marriage. There is nothing to discuss that cannot be discussed at the meeting / mediation. Nothing good can come from meeting her prior.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 09:24 AM
1

We don't know all the details but here is some general advice: the girlfriend and her family are NOT your concern. you need to move into your own place, ile even if renting a room from a 3rd party. you need additional income. Uber/Lyft, delivery, Amazon Warehouse, etc. It doesn't matter. Move to a new geographic location if needed (while staying close as possible to kids or accept the commute). you will NEVER find peace under your current living situation. IF you are able to use it as a place to…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 01:38 PM
3

Again 0-5 mins. The kid will cry is not an excuse to eat into your time, plan, or co-parenting. Not everyone can co-parent. Some couples have to parallel parent, meaning different rules in each house and conflicting visions for child care. Sorry for the drama brother...
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 01:28 PM
3

We would need way more context in order to give you any meaningful advice. This would include but not be limited to: how long have you been married, what state are you in, are there any children, what is both of your sources of income, what benefits of any do you get from your disability, etc etc? Bottom line is that all communal assets and debts will be split $50 at the time of divorce. Based off both of your incomes, one of you might owe spousal support; if you're disabled and she's working ma…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 06:16 AM
1

When it comes to the house you guys have a few options: The house has both the title and the mortgage. The title can be changed by signing a few forms and paying a fee at the county clerk office. The mortgage and their hand is more complex. Assuming both names are on the mortgage. The only way to get the mortgage modified is to get a new mortgage. You can either get an assumption loan, which you have to apply for and be approved for. The assumption loan will allow you to keep the current interes…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 06:13 AM
5

Sorry for the drama and BS brother, but is everybody else said she is clearly setting you up to build a case so she can accuse you of SA. This is an incredibly cultural phenomenon. A lot of times. When I was in Japan, people would breastfeed their kids until they were two or sometimes even older. In fact, even breastfeeding in public is a matter of much cultural debate. When I visit the Philippines you'll see families sleeping in the same bed or hammock at all ages and stages. In fact, a lot of …
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/26 02:04 PM
3

It's very important to remember that true AI does not exist. There's nothing intelligent about the machine learning language models that are currently out there. They're just Google searches that happen to be able to talk and complete sentences. Garbage and garbage out, and they are there to validate you for the most part. They can be excellent if you just want to crunch numbers; they are horrible for actual advice or therapy.
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/26 07:54 AM
1

As others have pointed out, long story short. If the house was purchased during the marriage then it's a communal asset. It doesn't matter who has been making payments, it's 50/50 legally both of yours . There's only three outcomes: you guys sell the house and split the equity 50/50. One of you buys the other out ( this does not have to mean that you actually give them money, it could be an unequal distribution such as you taking on more debt or giving them additional assets someplace else. The …
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/26 02:50 PM
1

As others have mentioned and just to throw some additional insight. Most people don't know what to do. When somebody else gets divorced they feel they're bringing it up might be unloving, kind of like asking how you're doing after your child died. You might need to reach out on your own, what I found was that once I reached out to people they were more than happy to receive me. But they didn't want to bring up the subject on their own. Of course there's going to be several people that just don't…
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/26 02:44 PM
1

Sometimes yes. Again, the system is fundamentally broken. If you're working under the assumption that the purpose of the family court is to determine what is fair, just, and the best interest of the children; then you're going to be surely disappointed. The system has rules, the lawyers exist to execute and follow those rules. The rules are not fair, they're not going to be fair, and there's nothing any of us can do to change the system ( at least in the short term ). The person that "loses" is …
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/26 02:16 PM
1

Technically speaking, they're not allowed to lie. The issue is they are often only reporting their truth. Here's a classic example. The lawyer for your STBX is told by her that you are financially abusive, emotionally abusive, you went on a trip and spent all this money. Let's say all of this stuff is untrue. Family Court does not have the same burdens as the Criminal Court. The lawyer is free to repeat everything that she said without any verification, and to vigorously advocate for their clien…
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/26 12:32 PM
2

Reddit is a pretty toxic place. When I was getting divorced google sent me here, but I had never used reddit before (not big on social media). I loved this group, but quickly learned that most of the rest of reddit is way crazy political, porn, and a dumpster fire :) As for OP''s question, of course she's cheating. Talk to an attorney and plan for divorce...
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 05:29 PM
3

As you already know, don't choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem. As you mentioned, you're a father. That means your life is no longer your own, your kids need you, your kids want you. The reason everything hurts now is because of the love you have for your family and for your children. Your brain is temporarily broken, you can 100% trust it. It's telling you that this short-term issue is going to be there for the rest of your life. But that's not the case . Unfortunately, there is …
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 01:12 PM
9

You are making a mistake by trying to understand her. You cannot use logic or reason with illogical people. Everything people do happens for a reason, but is not always a logical reason. Here's an example. I was talking to a guy that was in prison for murder. When I asked him why he was in prison, he said "they say I killed a guy." I asked him did he kill anyone. And he stated that he was robbing a store, he just wanted the money, the guy that was working the counter didn't own the store and it …
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 06:47 AM
1

"Only Women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something" - Chris Rock
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 12:35 PM
2

You need to start ignoring what she says, instead only look at her actions. It was not a test, that's BS. What it was was an excuse so that she could be the victim. So that going forward no matter what happens she can say this is your fault. Don't blame me, you did this. Most people, but particularly women, are incapable of seeing themselves as the bad guy. There's always an external source or reason for all the bad behavior and bad things that happen. She certainly can't be to blame, therefore,…
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 12:26 PM
3

Look up "Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. I am not saying this is your wife. I am saying that the book was extremely helpful for me. The real questions are: why did you choose this person, why do you stay, why do you make choices not inclined with your own best interests, etc. The eX would constantly tell me how stupid I was, everything was my fault, she doesn't respect me, I'm a child and she didn't sign up to be a parent, threaten divorce, etc.. but if I trie…
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 09:27 AM
7

Listen, no insult. You should never get married again. No matter how wonderful the relationship is, do NOT do it. Not only are the statistics not only your side (for 2nd or 3rd marriages) as you already know the system is fundamentally broken. There is ZERO benefit to you marrying again and 100% risk. If she must marry again, tell her you are not the right person for her, genuinely wish her the best, and let her pursue her own life. There is no shortage of women on the planet. No matter how grea…
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 01:52 PM
5

OP Just to give a different side to the equation. There's certain things in life that make people more risk prone than others. But they're not guarantees. My parents divorced when I was in Middle School and my sister was in elementary school. We're both doing really well( yes I did get married and get divorced as well ). I have two graduate degrees, my sister has a graduate degree and is an assistant Dean. She married and has two kids and it seems to be in a very healthy and stable relationship.…
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 11:02 AM
2

Sort answer is yes. All communal assets and debts are divided 50/50. Then separate from that is spousal support. And separate from that is child custody and possible child support. Based on the limited info you provided you would be both spousal support (based on your state laws) and child support.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 09:05 AM
3

Unfortunately, this is usually the case. If you have a solo proprietorship or just one partner. The business is your job, you are the business. It's best just to let it dissolve and then start a new business after the divorce. Talked to your attorney, but unless your operating agreement was structured 100% correctly, which really doesn't matter since you said you used a communal credit card to fund things, there is no getting out of this.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/26 04:49 AM
3

Stay off the dating apps until you’ve taken the time to heal. One of the worst things you can possibly do is get involved in a relationship before you moved on, except it, and move to indifference. What happens for a lot of guys is their mind is still in husband mode, and a new woman simply steps into the role of their ex. Problem is that that woman often literally steps into the role of the ex with just as many problems as he had before. You need to take the time to heal, think about what kind …
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/26 04:14 PM
2

It takes time, but if you put in the work, not only will you recover, but ultimately your life will be exponentially better. Because you won’t have this lying, cheating, manipulator in your life anymore. Acceptance is the initial goal, but the ultimate goal is indifferent. He is not the opposite of love, he is a very powerful bonding emotion. The opposite of love is indifference, truly just not caring at all about her or what she does. One of the reasons that she moves on so easily is because sh…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/26 04:12 PM
4

Further, the federal government supplements the local municipality based on child support. Up to $0.66 or every dollar paid. And what is the money used for? In theory, enforcement of child support and the system; in practice, just part of the general fund.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/26 02:25 PM
7

I am not religious. However, I think the greatest calling that a human being can have is to be of service. So I stop and I ask myself what am I doing today to make sure that I'm of service to others. That can mean mentorship, Big brother, starting a business, mowing my neighbor's grass, etc. I also want to make sure that I'm as fit as possible: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financially fit. That means I study things including but not limited to chess, computer programming, A…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/26 10:14 AM
3

There is no right answer here. I just work under the golden rule when these situations come up. That is, would I want to know. The answer for me is always yes. I personally would rather know a harsh truth then live a pleasant lie. But not everyone is like that. Some people enjoy the delusion, some people truly cannot handle the truth. Here's the question that you should really ask yourself, does the wife deserve to know that her husband had an affair? My personal outlook is yes. The next questio…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/26 09:19 AM
6

You say please be honest but not cruel, you're working near the assumption that you are not the same thing. So let me be 100% honest, it's up to you if you interpret it as cruel . Basically you are being a horrible human being. If what you need was not being met within your marriage, and you were a grown adult who has self control of his own actions and choices; then the only correct choice was either to stay in the marriage or to terminate the marriage and then seek sexual and emotional gratifi…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 04:44 PM
3

I wrote a post earlier but follow up after reading your list again. I also got the grieving wrong. I grieved incorrectly when our cat died, I grieved incorrectly when my father died. The death of my father particularly was one of the big splinters that also ended up leading to our divorce, although greatly delayed. My parents divorced. My dad remarried. The stepmom was making a lot of bad decisions and drama around the funeral. This was really upsetting her, so we're lying in bed and she just wo…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 02:40 PM
3

So I was in a very similar situation. It becomes very difficult to evaluate things while you're in the relationship. They often refer to you being in a FOG: fear, obligation, guilt. The argument style that she is using is called DARVO and JADE: https://www.youtube.com/live/ni-esO8Zxts?si=vUV6DX0Gc7iu2d77 https://www.youtube.com/live/WFQvSdVQsz0?si=K6UT0woKfyRbW5g2 As you said, these are cluster B traits, whether she meets the diagnosis for narcissism or not is kind of irrelevant. A book that rea…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 02:33 PM
2

Exactly. Love is more series of actions and choices than a feeling.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/26 11:11 AM
1

Happy New Year's! Yeah, every now and then I get on the spreadsheets and calculators and I calculate how much money the marriage cost me in both real world and potential wealth. It's not particularly healthy. It doesn't make me feel better. However, I'm working extra and saving like a fiend. Goal is to retire in another 6 and 1/2 years. I'm only able to recover because I'm a high earner and was able to cut a lot of expenses as a single guy, and redirect most of my income into investments. When I…
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/26 07:00 AM
1

Thx man. I say $350k of potential wealth because she refused to even discuss selling the house. We could have sold at the height of the market, but she dragged it out until interest rates increased, the market was soft, and the holidays. She wasted a ton in her attorneys. She switched teams half way through (Don't know if she fired them or they fired her or what the issue was). I was also paying a ton of temporary support while we were separated, which again was wasted money. I wish her the best…
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/26 06:47 AM
7

As others have said. You don't need to respond at all, remember what she declared was that she is no longer your wife. Legally. You're still married, but from here on you two are separate. Look up Gray Rock, that's how you want to respond to everything. Every interaction going forward you are emotionless. Save your actual feelings, be they good or bad, for someone else.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/26 04:52 AM
8

Hate is not the opposite of love. Hate is an incredibly powerful and linking emotion. The opposite of love is apathy. It takes time, but the goal is apathy, total indifference to what she does or does not do. Sorry for the drama and BS. Stay safe and stay strong out there..
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/25 02:35 PM
3

For a lot of guys, myself included, we invest so much of ourself and our being into the relationship. We take on the role of husband, and once that rule is gone, we're not sure what to do with ourselves. The most important thing to realize is that you should not step back into that role. Only boring people get bored. What happens for a lot of guys is they're not directed in life, they have no mission or purpose. That manifests itself as boredom, so they have all this free time where they sit aro…
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/25 10:39 AM
1

TX is one of the best states (if no kids) to divorce. You both work, so likely no spousal support. Talk to an attorney, even if you don't end up using them you want one on back up. Make a spreadsheet of ALL communal assets and debts. Included any retirement accounts. Check with the military about your retirement and if she is entitled to any portion after the divorce based on length of marriage. You should be able to do mediation, divide everything up (remember it doesn't have to be 50/50 for ea…
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/25 06:05 AM
2

In my case I filed. I lost the ability to give her grace. Anything that she did that was antagonistic, drama, combative, etc. instead of saying let's talk about, let's work it out, you are coming from a good place but with a bad messages, etc. Instead I said 'i have no idea what her feelings or motives are, and I don't care. I only care about her actions and they are not workable.' did we do 100% everything that could possibly be done prior, no, of course not. However, we did enough (especially …
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/25 05:56 AM
3

The portion of the home that is a communal asset is to be split 50/50. You either work it out, or the judge orders the sale / split. I was in a similar situation (no kids, USA). She wanted the house but could not afford it; I could afford it but didn't want it. Ultimately (after a lot of resistance on her part) we sold the house and split the equity. Remember that (at least in the USA) it's not about time spent, who paid for what, etc. it's just about the numbers. It's another communal asset to …
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/25 01:37 PM
5

Off topic but to answer your question, and speaking only for myself. Initially the plan was to have children, but I was in school when we met and still had about 6 years of training left; and I didn't want to have kids while I was still in school. Once everything was done with school. The plan was we would take 2 to 3 years to really travel, see the world, spend some time together with me not having to work crazy hours in school; then start on kids . However, by that point it was pretty clear th…
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/25 12:31 AM
12

People have to remember that divorce is just about the numbers. The courts do not care who did or did not do something, who cheated (in most states), who spent more time the kids, you paid for everything (remember that money was always 50/50), etc. All that matters is the numbers. In my case no kids, together for 17 years, married 12 years. I worked and am a high earner, she didn't work most of the marriage. I accepted I was going to have to pay, looked up the laws in the state; and offered her …
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 08:37 PM
6

Listen to the above and then remember, never get married again. Because the above is how you treat a child or pet, NOT a life partner or equal. She's bored or wants excitement she can do to the movies.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 08:33 PM
2

Having strong boundaries is a good thing. Society as a whole has been busying against this for decades. Love is suppose to be: easy, natural, open, and feel good. However, being loving and in a loving relationship is more a series of choices and actions; than a feeling. You should never have to 'fight' for the relationship. That's hollywood movie BS. Both parties should bring open honest communication to the table, then see if they are or are not workable. Many people (especially women) have con…
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 05:12 AM
2

Sorry for the drama. The question to really ask yourself is not what should you do, why is she doing what she does, or what is your next best move . The real question to ask yourself is: why do you keep making decisions that are against your own best self-interest? Once you answer that everything else will flow. The goal is to have complete separation from this woman, she needs to be completely out of your life. You don't need to be nice, you don't need to be considerate, it doesn't matter what …
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 02:09 PM
1

If you want to be successful in life, then be prepared to be thought, foolish and idiotic by others. At the same time, the same people that criticize you contiguously on your path to greatness, will be the first ones to praise you and talk about how they knew you back in the day, IF you are successful. Do you have to learn not to give a fuck about what other people think about you. That could be your family, that could be your wife, that could be your kids. You want to take their words and refle…
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/25 11:24 AM
1

All communal assets and debt are usually split 50/50. If the debt is considered communal then half of it is yours. Your argument would be that you guys have effectively been separated, and this is a new debt that she created which is solely hers. And Washington state. If you had actually filed for divorce already, or in other states that have legal separation, then it's a no-brainer. You don't have to worry about it. You'll likely need to talk to an attorney locally to figure out how things work…
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 01:58 PM
8

Do not get married. Talk to an attorney and arrange a prenup prior to marriage. Remember that she will also need her own attorney. And there has to be adequate time for the documents to be reviewed and vetted. Also, they cannot be completely one-sided or unfair otherwise it can be thrown out after the fact in court. Talk to attorney about how to set up an ill-revocable trust, make sure that all assets do not become communal. Do not get married
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 11:00 AM
5

When we were separated I had moved out to an Airbnb. I go on almost daily runs, I was only planning to run 3 mi but I felt great and wanted to keep going. Then I got hit with this wave of: I didn't tell anybody, I didn't tell her, there's going to be drama when I get back, etc. Then I realized... There's not going to be any drama I've moved out. I literally felt this weight lift off my shoulders that I didn't even know that I was carrying. My breathing improved. My spirit lifted. And I kept runn…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 03:59 PM
1

I remember during the separation I started opening up to family members and my best friend about things that actually had been going on in the marriage. Until then I had been keeping everything kind of hidden. I remember I was talking to one of my cousins and she interrupted me as I was trying to tell a story to say "that was abusive." I told her I hadn't gotten to the bad part yet, I'm just giving you the lead-in to the story. She stopped me again and said no. What she is saying is abusive, I c…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 12:11 PM
3

Yeah this was me. I don't know what the ex's issues were, but she had some cluster B issues. We did counseling and the therapist brought up. She had some borderline like qualities. She kept telling me I was autistic, probably had Asperger's syndrome. She called me a love and happiness vampire, because I sucked all the love and all the happiness out of every situation leaving her with nothing. She told me I was like a child that she had to take care of, and she didn't want to be a parent. She tol…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 12:02 PM
6

Good luck brother. Stay strong and I hope everything ultimately works out for you. Try to remember that there's nothing special about the holidays, in the end, they only means as much as we assign to them. Our culture celebrates Christmas, other cultures have different traditions. The sun rises and sets the same everyday. Good luck with the coming drama. Always remember that in the end the end of a dysfunctional relationship is a good thing. Once you get through the pain that is coming, there's …
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 11:50 AM
4

My dad remarried, I think a downgrade, but he stayed with her until he died a few years ago. My mom never remarried. As for, did both of their lives get better? I think so, I mean emotionally and mentally their lives were better apart than together. Financially my mom waved spousal support and only took child support, she was a teacher, So I think she could have used the money, at the same time. I know my dad was contributing on top of the spousal support to a lot of financial things that we nee…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 11:43 AM
3

I was in middle school. I think 6th or 7th grade. My sister is 3 years younger, so she would have been in 3rd or 4th grade. My mom was the oldest of five, with two additional siblings who were not biological. My dad was the youngest of six. My dad has since passed. My mom is doing well and really thriving at 81. I never really talked to my dad about these things when he was alive. And my mom still won't really talk about things with me against my dad. I'm in the divorce men's form because I'm po…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 11:40 AM
4

For what it's worth, let me just throw in my two cents. I'm a child of divorce. When I got divorced we were together for 17 years but never had kids. I think my parents divorce had the best possible outcome for me and my sister. My parents were always fighting, they were clearly not happy. They would wait until they thought we went to sleep, and then go downstairs and fight. I remember sitting at the top of the stairs holding my sister and her crying because of their actions. When they separated…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 08:31 AM
5

You can ignore this poster. They're pretty much a near a troll if not an actual troll who always advocates that you should find a way to make things work. Your wife cheated well. You need to make that work, she cucked you and had kids with another man, well you should find a way to make that work. She openly tells you that she no longer loves you and wishes for your death, well, maybe you weren't being kind enough to her and communicating clearly and this is her acting out. The majority of advic…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 12:56 AM
1

The system is fundamentally broken. Generally speaking, you're imputed based off your last 3 years of income. That's all that matters to the courts, it's just numbers. It's going to be a 50/50 split of all communal assets and debts. That's pretty much unavoidable in any state. What varies highly is child support and spousal support. Spousal support in California, lifelong support could be on the table. Spousal support in Texas has extreme limitations and caps. You need to check for what your sta…
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 07:55 PM
5

The biggest and most important thing you can do is to step way back and to think about exactly what you want in a relationship, what your boundaries are, and then you move into the marketplace to vet for that. If she doesn't meet these requirements then you recognize that. It's a good thing and then you move on immediately. If you go into the marketplace with a lack mindset, unclear boundaries, or just what's more common, you simply take what you can. Get; you're most likely to have negative and…
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 11:31 AM
8

Yeah the BS is strong with women complaining about how much they do, the patriarchy, unpaid labor, and the mental load. Whenever I see this stuff though I don't get upset, I just laugh. It's amazing to me how much they have to try to sell the idea that there's this unseen huge burden that is placed upon them. It's unseen because it doesn't exist. The eX would talk about her mental load, but what she actually described as being scattered brain, lacking discipline, and not being able to stay on to…
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/25 10:24 PM
4

CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash…
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/25 10:18 PM
3

Below is a general response. If she makes 4x she will owe you spousal support, everyone hates paying support, women especially so... IF it's truly over then it doesn't matter who files. The courts don't care. Need to look up the laws for your state. Also understand that things might be civil now, but if spousal support comes into the equation things are NOT likely to remain civil. The 50/50 split of all communal assets is one thing, continuing to pay after the divorce for years to life is anothe…
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/25 10:18 PM
8

Not necessarily true. As you said women love validation, and just because they are getting it from their man; does not mean that there isn't more out there to also get. And many women want it all. The most common way I see this start is 'I would NEVER cheat on my husband, but I'm just curious.. if I post a pic / make a profile / etc how would people respond.' Then when something negative happens in the relationship (because humans will always have some negative interactions) they go to that post…
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/25 08:07 AM
3

A book that really helped me was "Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist' by Margalis Fjelstad. I listen to the audiobook, exceedingly helpful. It's more about asking the real question, why do you choose this person, why did you choose to stay, what choices do you need to make to get different outcomes, why do you make choices? They're not in line with your own best self-interest, setting boundaries, etc. Also look up DARVO and JADE. These are common types of arguing that people of cluster…
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/25 09:47 AM
7

There's a difference between giving up and acceptance. I would put forward a hypothetical, perhaps you're not in love with your wife, but you're in love with the idea of her. Are you actually in love with and do you actually want to be with somebody that doesn't want to be with you, someone who lies, someone who's most likely cheating, someone who is willing to destroy the entire family for her own personal happiness? You're not fighting for her, you're fighting for the dream of the family that …
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/25 09:15 AM
2

Evil exist. When it comes to women in divorce, I think it's important to remember that women are primarily driven by emotion. Will likely never understand, nor should we try, most of the decision making that they do. One of the biggest lessons men can learn is to stop trying to understand women, and instead start looking at their actions. Only their actions matter. I don't care what motivated her to make them, I care about what she does / chooses. With that said, how often do you hear about husb…
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 07:29 PM
1

100% agree. The other expression that I calmly use is people like to think that they will rise to the occasion, but they normally fall back to their level of training. I think a lot of us entered relationships in marriage without a really clear plan. When you buy a car you usually research a lot about it. Reliability, miles per gallon, speed, maintenance issues, you do test drives, how nice is the interior, does it fit in your garage, etc. a lot of us never did anything like that in our relation…
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 07:24 PM
2

Sorry for the drama and pain that you were in brother. Here's the thing, you're looking for logic and reason to explain the change in her behavior. And that might never happen. The majority of women operate under emotion, not logic or reason. There is always a reason for everything that people do, but there's not always a logical reason. As a general rule of thumb, women never blow up a relationship without believing they have a soft place to land. That doesn't mean that they actually have alrea…
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 07:18 PM
3

CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash…
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 11:02 AM
1

Divorce is no small thing, particularly when you have children. However, the end of a dysfunctional marriage is a good thing. Before taking that step though you have to ask yourself. Have you truly tried direct, open non-committal brutal, honest conversation about your once, needs and issues. Many times people think that they're communicating, but in order to avoid fights and disagreements the kind of sidestep around the core issues. If you have tried openly and honestly to directly communicate …
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 11:00 AM
1

Only you know your finances, golds, and the reasons that you took the second job. If you're planning to terminate the relationship, you do not want to be working that second job. It was a short-term thing that you did for a while, it was non-sustainable, and then you quit. The courts will impute both of you based off what the belief you are capable of earning. The purpose of imputing people is so that they can't just quit their job and claim that their destitute. She will be imputed as will your…
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 06:16 AM
3

There is no such thing as acceptable dating ages. Either the two parties involved are consenting adults and choose to enter into a relationship, or they do not. Forget anything that society might judge you for. No matter what you do, some people will complain and attack you. Ignore them and live your life.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/25 02:20 PM
9

Unfortunately, the system is fundamentally broken. Making false reports is one of the standard operating procedures in cases of divorce. Google the silver bullet for more information. The worst part of the current system is even after you prove that she made a false allegation, she suffers absolutely no consequences from that. The courts don't care, the system doesn't care, and everything just continues if it never happened. The goal is for her not actually to win or for you to be convicted. The…
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/25 09:12 AM
6

You're confusing. Ethical with professional. An attorney has a professional duty to aggressively represent their client, imagine that your client is on trial for multiple rapes and murders which were all on videotape. It is still their professional duty to vigorously defend that person, even though it's pretty clear that they're guilty. Think of a physician that has to take care of one of the victims of that above crime versus the perpetrator. It's the physician's professional duty to take care …
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/25 01:46 AM
1

They are saying the STBX (soon to be eX) sounds narcissistic. Truth is the word is thrown around a little bit too lightly, but it doesn't mean that she doesn't have cluster B issues, or that you would still benefit from further study of the subject. Something that really helped me was: "Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. Even if she does have the actual disorder the book is great for helping you to try to understand: why did you select this person, why do you sta…
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 04:25 AM
22

This is exceedingly common. In my case, I worked full-time and then did a ton of chores before and after work. Yet the overwhelming conversation from her was that she had nothing, she did all the heavy lifting, and I did the bare minimum. After we separated (because she asked me to leave, and I left; which is another manipulation tactic) I got a call from her asking when I was gonna come home and take care of some of these chores. I told her that we’re separated now 100% of the house work is on …
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/25 12:06 AM
2

Put everything on a flash drive, put the flash drive someplace safe. When and if you feel emotionally ready, delete them. In my case, together for 17 years. I threw away and trashed a bunch of photos and digital prints. Probably about 80% plus. The remainder I slowly got rid of over the next year. I've kept the digital copy of the wedding pictures, as well as a few other on the Google Drive. The jump drive is gone. There's one photo left that I have on the garage floor. I'll be honest with you. …
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/25 12:07 PM
2

Sorry for the drama. Believe it or not, there's literally thousands of us that have been in the exact same situation. What really helped me was a book: "Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. I don't know if the eX ex had BPD or not, but she definitely had cluster B issues; and I had 100% assume the caretaker role. As you said everything was my fault, if only I would change everything could be good, etc. Here are two more links that might help regarding DARVO and JAD…
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/25 11:12 AM
3

Also remember you are not required to move out. She can too. And if her affairs are the reason for the failed marriage it even makes more sense for her to leave, the kids stay with you, and she can have visitation.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 06:47 AM
10

You said it yourself, she wants all of the husband duties without providing any of the wife duties; or you getting any of the husband privileges. She is not sending mixed messages, she has one and only one consistent message... Whatever she wants. You are no longer her husband. Her care is no longer your responsibility. She is free to want or ask for anything. You then reply no. Remember, no is a complete sentence. You no longer have to explain yourself or defend your position. Your Brain is sti…
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 06:41 AM
7

You are actively choosing to tether yourself for a minimum of the next 18 years of financial and child support to a woman who is a liar, cheater, does not love you, and very likely is cucking you by having another man's baby. Once the birth certificate is signed. It doesn't matter in many states. Whether you then prove non-praternity, you will be on the hook for child support. You need to step way back and ask yourself why do you choose to stay with this person. Contact a lawyer immediately, fig…
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/25 04:24 AM
5

Your headspace is still not accepting the new reality that you're moving towards. She is not your wife, she's your soon-to-be ex. She's the mother of your child. But she's not your wife, and you are no longer her husband. It is not your job to protect her, provide for her, or support her. That is something that is coming to an end because the marriage is coming to an end . All of that now falls on her. And if she is unable to do that, that is no longer your concern. If she is unable to safely ta…
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/25 09:19 PM
1

We don't have enough information, and we never will, to truly understand your situation. However, the events that you outline above show that your problem is not with your wife but internally with yourself. This is not an insult but a statement based only on the limited information that you provided . You seem to lack any spine, direction, or autonomy in your life. You say that she forced you to marry her, she can't force you to do anything. That's a choice. You had a choice to sell your house, …
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/25 07:56 PM
1

And similarly, if it doesn't work out it doesn't work out. It didn't work out for a week, didn't work out for a month, and it won't work out for years. The important question to ask is have all forms of open direct communication been attempted first. The truth is that some people and some couples just aren't workable. If you found yourself an unworkable situation, then you need to decide what life you want to live and what consequences you're willing to deal with to live that life. If you stay i…
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/25 06:53 PM
4

Not to answer a question with a question, but we actually need more information. Do you have children, is the STBX being combative, are you able to have mediation or is this going to head to court . All of that makes a difference because if you have a relatively uncontested divorce with no children. All you really need is somebody to make sure that the paperwork is done correctly. You can just go to mediation, hammer out a deal, have the lawyers make sure that everything meets the state's requir…
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/25 06:50 PM
1

If you filed for divorce, you are no longer required to put money into the joint account. You're only required to make sure that there's a continuation of payments. She should have zero access to your money at this point . We need a lot more information. I'm going to assume you're in the United States. Open a new bank account and have your money directly deposited there. Tell her that you're going to go $50 on all communal expenses: rent, internet, electricity, etc. If she doesn't pay 50% then l…
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/25 06:46 PM
7

Therapy only works when both parties are committed to the process, committed to being honest with each other, and open to communication. If any of these things are missing, therapy will fail. The actual specifics don't matter that much . The most common reason it fails is because by the time you actually get to therapy one of the parties, if not both, are no longer interested in communication or a successful relationship. Going to therapy just becomes a superficial in perfunctory process to dot …
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/25 04:56 AM
31

Sorry for the drama brother. As others have stated, the simple truth is that she divorced herself mentally from the relationship a long time ago. Women plan these things for months if not years before they finally address them with their partner. You just received a shotgun to the chest, you're trying to heal and just survive the assault. She's already gone through this mentally. You don't understand how far removed she is from the process cuz you're thinking she's in a similar place to you. All…
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/25 04:41 AM
7

You are asking several questions at the same time. We don't have enough information to make a recommendation about your marriage, but here are a few points that I think you're asking about: First of all we are always alone. So when you say you worry about dying alone, you need to really step back and think about what you mean by that. If you have a dream of being with a person who is your partner in life, you grow old together, and you are supportive of each other and companionship and intimacy;…
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/25 01:16 PM
6

Talk to your attorney. Bottom line is nothing that she says, did, or didn't do matters. The court will follow a simple formula: all communal assets and debts will be split 50/50 she is owed 50% of the communal equity (or debt) of the house. You either buy her out OR the home is sold and the equity split. IF her name is on the mortgage you need to refinance to remove it. Either an assumption loan (if you and the house qualify) or a new loan with a new interest rate. child custody and residency sh…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/25 12:12 PM
14

Everyone is different. Everyone comes from a different situation. At the population level however, what has been shown time and time again is guys jump into a new female relationship to quickly, develop feelings, and repeat the old patterns of their previous marriage. Some guy step into husband role, some guys use sex in place of actual therapy and emotional healing, some guys hook up with users/abusers, etc. There's a reason why people talk about rebound relationships . Now some people are capa…
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/25 10:07 PM
2

I would recommend "Models" by Mark Manson. Summary is to be honest with yourself about the things that you want. Be honest in your conversations with others( while being respectful ). Walk away from situations that do not meet the above two clauses. A good exercise as mentioned earlier is simply to make sure that you say a greeting to some random women everyday. These are not women that you're trying to date or pick up. It's simply a training tool to get you used to the idea of initiating conver…
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/25 05:27 AM
1

He means contested prior to the final settlement being signed by a judge. Once it's signed, that's pretty much it. Unless you have children...
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/25 07:45 AM
1

Reconciliation is a horrible idea. Do not even consider it. Forgiveness is different. The purpose of forgiveness is so that you don't have to carry any anger going forward. Anger is not the opposite of love, indifference is. Anger is an incredibly powerful and bonding emotion. It controls people's lives. Indifference is the actual goal, she's just someone that you used to know.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/25 07:44 AM
14

The biggest issue is geography. If you feel comfortable telling us more about your location, or at least the population density and the sort of people/politics of your area. Also depends a lot on what you're looking for: FWB, companionship, partnership, LTR, intimacy, etc. There is no shortage of females, they're everywhere. However there is an incredible shortage of "good women" that are fit for a LTR. A lot of it is simply a numbers game. You have to dig through a lot of shit to find the rocks…
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/25 07:41 AM
5

The short answer is that no fault marriage is just that, no fault. The calculations used for splitting assets, spousal support and child support do not take these things into account. There are some minor state variations, but for the most part if you are the primary earner you will still end up owing her spousal support regardless of what she did or did not do during the marriage . Here's a parallel about how the system is fundamentally broken. A female teacher has statutory rape sex with one o…
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/25 07:25 AM
2

The system is fundamentally broken. Just carry on, accept it for what it is, and know that in the end it's going to be a 50/50 division of all assets + spousal support + child support to you. Her actions only waste time and money, which hurt you both, but her more in the long run. Why did they do this? Short answer emotions. They must always be the hero in their story. And every hero needs a villain. So they're the hero, and you're the villain. That justifies everything that they do. If at any t…
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/25 12:27 PM
1

It is a good thing that you learned the truth and did not marry this woman. She was not perfect (clearly) and your life together was not perfect. You are not actually mourning her, you are mourning the loss of the delusion. This was a near miss. You are young and things will only get better. This experience will help you expand. You said you have not been alone since you were 19. You need to take some time to be alone and learn to function independently. Your happiness and drive has to be intern…
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/25 02:19 PM
19

The only thing the time apart did was allow her to realize that she didn't have any better options. You are her backup plan. Let's make things 100% clear, if she had found something better out there, she would be living that life right now. Under no circumstances so you can even consider taking this woman back into your life. She is drama, she is selfish, and most importantly she's not committed to the relationship or love. She made her choices, choices and actions have consequences, the termina…
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/25 03:46 AM
1

Have you considered traveling outside of America. Particularly to Southeast Asia? There's lots of places on the expat list that are worth checking out. It's semi-expensive to get a ticket over, not that bad if you don't mind flying coach. Thailand is my favorite for the infrastructure and food. They also have a fairly simple Visa process for US. Citizens who are tourists. Just show up at the airport and will be given a 30-day Visa, and you can get that extended for an additional 30 days in count…
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/25 11:21 AM
7

The house is a communal asset. Either you get your share of the equity, or you sell it and split it. Under no circumstances. Should you just give her the house. Your brain is still in husband mode. You're thinking as if you are the provider of the family, that role is no longer yours. That woman is no longer your wife, she's your ex and your children's mother. You owe her nothing. You want the kids to keep the same house in the same school. No problem. She can move out and give up her half of th…
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/25 11:23 AM
4

It doesn't matter. That's the thing about no fault divorce, it's no fault. All communal assets and debts are split 50/50. If only one year no spousal support. If you have any assets acquired during the marriage (eg 401k at work) those need to be split but only for the portion during the marriage. Often for short term marriages, both parties just agree to call it quit and just keep what's theirs. Understand that it doesn't matter if she was abusive, you cheated, she breaks your things, you move o…
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/25 07:51 AM
27

The reason she is upset with you is because you are doing well. One of the things that's supposed to happen after the divorce is you regret not being with her for the rest of your life, your life continues to deteriorate because you no longer have her; her life continues to increase because she's free from you. Her life improving free from you is a demonstration that she made the right choice by leaving. Your life deteriorating when she leaves is a demonstration that she made the right choice be…
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/25 01:37 AM
16

Personally, I believe that marriage has at least three institutions : religious, social, and legal. I'm fine going through the religious ceremony or the social ceremony. But I will never sign the legal contract with the government ever again. Because it is a legal contract with very strict penalties and restrictions. And it's a legal contract you sign with the government, not with your spouse. And it has the full power and enforcement of the US government behind it.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/25 08:39 AM
3

Don't go on the cruise. I was in the exact same boat as you. Had a big trip to New Orleans planned and paid for for New Year's. But we separated in October. Should I go and give it one more chance, should we just go not to lose the money (couldn't get full refunds), etc.? In the end I did not go and that was 100% the correct choice. Once it's over, it's over. Dragging things out just costs more time, pain, and suffering. In my case she went on the trip and I moved out while she was gone. Which w…
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/25 01:03 AM
1

Here's the issue. You have zero legal rights towards the kids. Their possible future with you is 100% under her control. If she doesn't want it to happen, then it doesn't happen. And she can change her mind any time she chooses. Real world, if she finds a new man or remarries, that will likely be the end of your relationship with them (until they are 18 and can choose on their own, but that's also not likely if distance occurs). This is one of the side effects of. Wing the step parent. If you wa…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/25 07:33 AM
3

Sorry for the drama and crazy. The simple truth is that trust is given out way too friendly in this world. There's a difference between being respectful and respecting someone. There's a difference between a trusting individual, and trusting an individual. As hard as this might be to believe, everything that's happening now is good. It's good that you find out who your true friends are, who truly loves you, and who truly cares about you. This is a litmus test that allows you to cut everyone that…
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/25 10:22 AM
1

Everything gets better and everything ends. If you focus on being fit: physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially; then your life will be better on the other side. Just be safe, learn the system, work out a fair / legal divorce, cut all ties (if no kids), and move forward.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/25 05:36 AM
6

What's even worse is that most of the time these cases are handled by family Court as opposed to criminal Court. Family Court has a completely different set of standards and burden of proof versus the criminal justice system. A family court. The judge has a lot more discretion, much lower thresholds for evidence, and is able to use allegations for one tier to be applied to another . For example, let's say that you've been accused in Maryland of speeding, but you'd also later then been accused of…
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 03:34 PM
1

I didn't feel so much like a failure, as I felt that I was not honoring my role and my vows. We're supposed to be together for better for worse, sickness and health, till death do us part. And neither of us were dead. It's hard to explain, I felt like I was failing, but I didn't feel like a failure... I mostly felt this intense feeling of guilt that I was abandoning her, worried about who would take care of her, and this lingering doubt in the back of my mind if I was making the right decision. …
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 09:21 AM
1

Currently you are in the FOG: Fear Obligation Guilt. This is very common. Without addressing the underlying issues of your marriage, anytime people are thinking about making this level of life change these feelings are typical. In my case: together for 17 years, married 12 years, no children. I worked, she did not( that was our choice ). We were never healthy, and our level of dysfunction only increased with time. She was very manipulative and controlling. Ultimately as part of a manipulation ta…
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 05:52 AM
2

Sorry for the drama brother. You don't want someone that does not want you. Right now you are in the FOG: Fear Obligation Guilt. Once you come out off that (after the divorce and everything is settled) you have this huge mental transformation. You start to ask different questions: Why did I choose this person, why did I stay, why did I want someone that didn't want me, what was I fighting for, etc? She's most likely setting up guilt free cheating or flirting on the girls trip = we were on break …
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/25 08:34 PM
1

Absolutely not! All communal assets and debts are split 50/50. The child custody and residency should be 50/50. You will owe some child support and likely spousal support.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/25 04:52 PM
8

You have no kids, there is zero reason to meet up with the eX. Cease all communication and contact with her, if you feel the need let her know first. You don't need to justify or explain, simply state it. The distance and coldness you feel is normal, and likely will pass with time. Contact with the eX is not helping that healing process. She is no longer a person of concern in your life going forward. Be safe out there...
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/25 11:31 PM
1

She can want what she wants, but you are not required to remove your name unless you choose. What's the divorce degree state? What's the custody? You say the divorce will be finalized in March but why the wait (the 90d waiting period??). Do you have any other options: staying at a friends, renting a room, etc. What's the access to the kids and the parenting plan? To many variables in play for direct advise. Don't move out without a parenting plan and a place the kids could stay with you ~50/50.
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/25 04:23 AM
2

Tried to post a cut & paste overview here but reddit wouldn't allow it for some reason, so sent you a DM/chat with the outline. A few key points: - Wife will be imputed at some income, based on previous work, education, etc. Worst case to minimum wage. - ALL communal assets and debts are split 50/50 - No one gets to keep the house, it's a martial asset (if both names on the title or bought during the marriage). You either sell it and split the equity; or one of you buys the other out. IF both na…
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/25 02:46 AM
13

A year is an arbitrary number. The real question is have you taken the time for self-growth, healing, exploration, setting new boundaries, and figuring out why you chose this person to be with in the first place that you're now divorcing, and how to avoid doing something similar again . It's very rare that everything in the field marriage was 100% the other person's fault. As a general rule of thumb, 50% of the problems go into the next relationship( ie you). Taking the time necessary to sort yo…
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/25 09:39 PM
3

Congratulations. The process sucks, but there is a lot of light on the other side if you make the right choices with your life going forward. For myself and several others, not only was divorce the right choice, but it's one of the best choices that they've made. Because the end of a dysfunctional marriage is a good thing. Take some time to heal, recover, and sort yourself out. Things only get better from here
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/25 12:09 PM
0

The system is fundamentally broken. Ultimately, there's no one issue, there's multiple. Certainly simps are part of the problem. But the bigger problem is largely women gaslighting other women into the idea that they have a higher SMV (sexual marketplace value) than they actually do, combined with an incredible sense of entitlement. There are several different institutions that we call marriage: religious, social, legal. The religious is beautiful, the social is also often still functional. But …
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/25 12:07 PM
2

I sent you a DM with an overview of the divorce process. As you stated it, it can take anywhere from 6 months to 2 years to get everything done. So you might as well file sooner rather than later. The advice about not leaving the home has to do. If there are children in the house. It sometimes can be seen as abandonment. As the kids are no longer a factor, it's less important. What can happen is if the house needs to be sold, and she's in the house and you're not, she will try to drag her feet o…
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/25 12:00 PM
4

Child support should be zero (or nearly so if the last child is nearly 18). All communal assets and debts get split 50/50. That part should leave you both equal (if unfair that you put in more cash). It's the spousal support that gets us. Depends on how long the marriage and how much you make. You said you make 3.5x what she does, so support is likely. The question is how long. She has the right to waive support (but sound unlikely to happen). Best bet is to go to mediation. Work out a deal wher…
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/25 06:10 AM
3

You say solicitor, so I assume that you're in the UK. And America, you will be imputed based on your previous income. The laws are written specifically to stop people from deliberately trying to lower their income in order to avoid payments.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/25 06:12 AM
1

Once lawyers are involved and the marriage is over, just go straight to divorce. The goal is to get the divorce done as quickly and fairly as possible. The system is fundamentally broken, the longer that you remain in the system the more time, money, and energy it will cost you. Her goal is to maximize her benefits. Your goal is to get it done as soon as possible. Also, because your child is 17, child support is going to end as soon as they turn 18.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/25 05:59 PM
2

I almost always give people the benefit of the doubt. Frequently. People seem very concerned about what they post on social media, having old text messages pulled, things they said or didn't say, previous arguments, etc. I just remind people that no matter what you did or did not do, no matter what she did or did not do; it doesn't matter. The courts do not care.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/25 03:33 AM
5

If this is your first motorcycle, there's absolutely no reason to go crazy. Pick up a nice used cheap bike from Facebook marketplace or someplace local and just ride around and have fun. Consider something simple that you don't have to worry about it getting dropped or damaged; like a Honda cb500. Take the local motorcycle safety Foundation class or equivalent. Please buy full gear and always ride with it. Go out and have fun. Motorcycling can be very therapeutic. I used to ride, stop during the…
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/25 12:04 PM
12

The courts do not care. Unless you have done something actually illegal, no one cares. That's the beauty of no fault divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/25 11:58 AM
13

IF you are fit: physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially; it's not hard at all to have sex. Finding a good woman is very hard, as there are only a few of them (but they exist). You have to dig through a lot of crap to find the rocks, a lot of rocks to find the gems, and a lot of gems to find the diamonds. If you are not fit, it can be messy. But there is no shortage of women. It's more important that you know what you want, know your boundaries, are always willing to walk away, are men…
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/25 07:29 AM
5

A man needs to be fit: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financial fit. We do not know you situation but most likely one of your problems is still being in 'husband' mode. In husband mode, the family comes first, you are a provider, your needs/life takes a back seat to the family needs, etc. That works when you have a family and a stable / supportive partner. You NO LONGER have that. Your new family is yourself + yourself & child. The eX is not part of the family, she's the co-p…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 01:17 AM
5

You can do whatever you want, but need to step way back and ask why do you want to see / date / sleep with someone? What are your goals? What are your boundaries? And are you emotionally and mentally ready for that? The general advice is to complete the divorce, then take some time off to heal and work on your self; before returning to the dating market. But everyone is different. The fact that you are asking questions / permission here kind of implies it might be too soon for you. There is no r…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 01:08 AM
2

Her actions are illegal. Since you both own the home, you have as much right to it as she does. You can decide to either let this go, or you could decide to push for your legal rights which is reinsurance to your home. If the home is both your names on it, she is entitled to the equity of the home at the final divorce, or you need to sell the the house and split a little bit of equity has been earned. As much as this hurts now. It is a good thing that it happened. And that it happened early. Thi…
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 11:11 AM
1

Nothing will change divorce laws, until women start having to pay and suffer too. It's slowly ramping up, and will result in some reform. But not until the politicians can buy more female votes with reform than maintaining the status quo
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 09:18 AM
2

Sorry for the typos in my first response. Look at it logically great sex exists some people have great sex either condition A is true: there are no other people on the planet I could ever have great sex with for the rest of my life. Or condition B is true: there are millions of people on the planet I could have great sex with if condition B is true. Then I need to find one of these people The STBX was not one in a million, she is one of a million.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 08:55 AM
10

As others have said. You simply have a biased view at this time. The truth is is they're 8 billion people on the planet, half of them are female, and at least a third of them are probably within dating range appropriate. No matter how good the sex was with the STBX there's literally a million other women who will do as good or better job. Will it take time to find them, we have to sort through a lot of nonsense, are they interested in you, etc. These are all things to work out later . You guys a…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/25 12:34 PM
6

CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/25 10:48 AM
3

That's because you are not actually in love with her. You are in love with the idea of her. She exists as a fictional person you created in your mind. You actually do not want to be with someone that does not want to be with you, would lie, would hide, would hurt you, who makes unloving choices etc. In time, as hard as it might be to believe now, you will see the divorce as a good thing. Because it's good to not be with such a person. However, it takes time and work to get there. Sounds like you…
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 08:51 AM
27

In my case "Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad was extremely helpful. I have never been more peaceful and stress free. Long story short, I never dated much, first serious relationship, was a virgin when we meant. Together for 17 years, married 12 years, no children. I worked a ton (in and out of the home), paid for great homes, first class trips around the world, done of chores, etc. Yet nothing was ever good enough. She frequently said how she had nothing. Everyt…
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/25 07:30 AM
1

Are you divorced? If you're still married and you're getting divorce, she doesn't get a choice, the judge will order the sale of the house in the division of equity. If you're already divorce but still living together. For some reason with both your names on the mortgage, it's much more complicated. You can tell her that you've decided that we need to sell the house because you are no longer going to be making payments. And she can either step up and assume all payments, remember, both your name…
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/25 02:50 PM
1

Just do not use any communal funds and you should be ok, especially since your attorney said it was ok. More important, please take the local MSF (or equivalent) course, and get full gear. IF you can afford it, consider an airbag vest. Early congratulations on the final settlement, and have fun riding. It's a great hobby. See you on the road
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/25 09:12 AM
5

Even if getting it over ASAP, once she has retained counsel you need to do the same. Just to review it. Not necessarily to cause drama at a minimum. This woman is no longer your wife, she does not have your best interest at heart, she is your STBX (soon to be eX) and you need to treat her as such. That does not mean drama or conflict. But it does mean reviewing the laws for your state, do not sign ANYTHING without having an attorney who is working on YOUR behave review the paperwork.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/25 11:56 PM
1

Signs that your wife loves you are not going to spontaneously appear by random chance or by internalized action on her part. You need to let her know directly. The things that make you feel loved. Something to the effect of: can you please get eggs on the way home? That would really be appreciated by me, you getting eggs on the way home would make me feel loved, I feel loved when you [insert action]. Many people feel that if you have "true love" you don't need to directly state or request these …
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/25 08:54 PM
2

Ranting very important. Just remember that you need to also rant/communicate with her. If you want different outcomes. Direct, open communication is necessary if you want to see something different. Remember that suggesting, hinting, innuendos, etc are not communicating. A lot of people are not getting outcomes they want because they're not making the outcome they want known. For example: I would appreciate it if you picked up eggs on the way home, we are out of eggs, can you pick them up on the…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/25 08:50 PM
1

Have you clearly, directly, and openly Express that to her? For example, in the situation above, did you stop and state some variation of: I feel unloved, I feel unappreciated, I feel taken for granted when you xxx. Just like this group, people do not necessarily understand what's going on unless you explain it. When you explain things. Make sure you're using I and not you statements. EG I feel unloved when you.. vs you are being unloving when.. If you are clearly communicating your needs, once,…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/25 08:43 PM
3

I think that there is no single reason why there's so many bad marriages in the west. But on the whole I think it's because we have the wrong Outlook of what marriage is . Marriage has multiple different institutions: religious, social, legal. We tend to conflate them all together but they're quite different. Legal is pretty straightforward, it's the contract that you sign with the state. And it is legally binding contract between you and the state, not you and your wife . Religious can be beaut…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/25 11:41 AM
11

By definition it's cheating as you are legally married. The real question is do you, the STBX, the state, or anyone else care? Unless it affects the final divorce decree, just ignore anything and everything about her. She's only your wife legally, the marriage is already dead. The goal of this point is to start working on distance, separation, apathy, and planning for the legal disillusionment of the marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/25 05:26 PM
11

This sub was extremely helpful when I was going through the divorce. I used it both as a place to vent, support, to share and learn about new ideas. There are so few male spaces left, glad this is one of them.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/25 10:25 AM
9

You don't need your wife's consent to do a DNA test on the child. Do one asap
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/25 09:45 PM
10

Sorry for the drama. Most likely, she's not upset about the job; the job is just a thing she can point to to take her grievances about the relationship and direct them towards some things that she thinks will be socially acceptable, supported by her friends and family, and then she can beat you with it. When dealing with women it's almost never the actual dtated issue. That's the problem, there's usually some deeper or root cause that needs to be addressed. Divorce is no small thing and I don't …
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 11:02 PM
3

Do not put it into the divorce decree. Have it as a verbal understanding. This gives you the option of choosing to or not two in the future.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 10:56 AM
4

The issue with these things is you don't need to like them, support them, or feel good about them. What you do need to do is accept them. I accept that the marriage is over. I accept that she does not want me. I accept that we are going to get divorce. I accept that this is going to cost me money. Don't sign anything, or make any promises without first consulting an attorney. You are not in the mental space to be making decisions that will affect the next 5 to 15 years of your life currently. Be…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 02:57 AM
3

Look up the light switch effect. Here's a partial cut and paste: The thought process looks much like this: If true love is permanent and real, and I am not feeling true love for this person, but rather disdain and anger, then I must be feeling this way because of who they are. They make me feel bad, so they cannot be good. And since this person makes me feel bad I could not have loved them, because I would never love somebody who makes me feel bad (the qualities he exhibits now must have been in…
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/25 01:11 PM
11

WA for Mid-Length marriages( 5-25 years) you get one year support for every 3 to 4 years of marriage. Above 25 years/ long-term marriages its individualized to the couple. Ultimately, spousal support ends. The money that you give up and equity. You'll earn it again. Even if you don't, you can always make more money, you cannot make more time. The peace on the other side of this is well worth it. Sorry for the drama brother
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/25 11:12 AM
1

Washington state does not take adultery into consideration when deciding child custody, child support or spousal support. We are a no-fault state.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/25 06:46 AM
4

I am post divorce in WA (no kids). First here's a link that has several documents and videos that explain the process in WA (I did not use this group, but their online information is very helpful ). https://www.genesislawfirm.com/divorce-washington-state Washington is a no-fault state. So all communal assets and debts will be split 50/50. This part is easy. Just add up all of your communal assets and debts, divide by two. That will be the number that each of you will need to get. You don't actua…
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/25 06:44 AM
9

Almost never. The best thing you can do is remember that divorce is a legal process. Almost all states are no fault. No fault means exactly that, it doesn't matter what either of you did, should have done, didn't do, could have done, etc. There will be a 50/50 split of all communal assets and debts ; if you have children you have to decide on custody, residency, in support if either party qualifies; if either party qualifies, you work out spouse of support. That's the entire process. It doesn't …
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/25 05:19 AM
3

Actually it's another one of those 'I don't want that to be true' truths. At the population level, women are what they are. It's neither good, nor bad; but you can either accept it or choose to be delusional. Women are attracted to men with lots of options. What they want is for the man to have lots of options, but then choose them! Look at female driven romance in pop culture. A plain Jane comes into contact with an Alpha male. He has everything, all the women want him, but he rejects them. But…
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/25 08:48 AM
4

I disagree. Most of the guys here are either divorced, or in the process of getting divorced. And NONE OF US, say leave a happy or healthy marriage. Or that boredom is a legitimate reason to terminate. Women do that all the time. In fact, I can think of several posts where guys asked about that and were voted down by this group.
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/25 08:37 AM
11

Ultimately she needs new friends. Women are incredibly invested in the social dynamic, peer group, and following the lead of the group. If she hangs out with people that are pushing a certain narrative, she will slowly come to accept that narrative as well. If she disagreed with them, or did not want to accept that narrative; she would divorce them as friends herself . Real world, you need to have a hard talk with her that these friends are not productive to your long-term relationship. And she …
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/25 01:08 AM
6

Just want to express my condolences for the BS and drama that you're going through. Fortunately, the eX and I did not have children. Cannot imagine how vindictive and horrible the process would have been if we did. Try to remain calm, keep your cool, talk to your attorneys, and hopefully things can get worked out in the near future. All of our thoughts and prayers are with you.
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/25 03:48 AM
4

If there are no kids, you should go no contact immediately. No contact doesn't mean that you cannot discuss things about the divorce, an ideal world mediation should be able to solve everything while getting lawyers involved. But it does mean no contact as in no social contact, no catching up, no asking how was your day, no helping each other out, nothing that is not directly related to the termination of the marriage. It's a huge step forward in your healing process. As you may also hear in the…
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/25 05:52 AM
2

Would recommend the book “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist” by Margalis Fjelstad. Was exceedingly helpful for me during my divorce. Also helpful is that we didn’t have any children. If you don’t have any kids then recognize the divorce is a legal process, and go completely 100% no contact. All communication should be done via email or your lawyers. Do not engage in any conversation unless it is directly related to the divorce. She’ll want to try to go you back into having conversatio…
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/25 03:44 PM
8

Never get back with a cheater. They don't want you, they just want the security and safety that you provide. If things were working out perfectly with their affair partner, they would 100% not be even talking to you. Always remember to judge people by their actions and not their words. Her actions have already demonstrated that she does not love you, respect you, she cannot be trusted, and she doesn't want you. Ultimately, you don't want to be with a person like that.
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/25 09:31 PM
14

Under no circumstances, contact her directly. Confirm that you were not named on the birth certificate, and whether you were or were not retain the aid of a lawyer. If you are married, and she placed her name on the birth certificate, there is a high probability that the courts will come after you for child support until the child is 18. The courts do not care if it is not your biological child. They care if the child was conceived during marriage, if you ever act as apparent to the child, if yo…
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/25 09:26 PM
2

There is nothing as permanent as a temporary order. The courts tend to look at where you are in this specific moment in time, and then what you've done in the past. If you set the precedent that this 70 hours is your current work rate. They will project that out for the next 18 years of your child's life. Ultimately you guys should be able to agree to 50/50 custody. A short-term 70/30 split for residency or is needed until surgery, and then 50/50 residency going forward.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/25 09:54 AM
0

A brain dead woman in a coma is capable of getting pregnant and carrying two children to term. That doesn't mean that she's a good mother, or that that she didn't contribute. But just getting pregnant and delivering two children, no, that does not count as being worth $50 million.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/25 03:36 PM
1

The most important thing to do is to learn the system. Understand that no matter what any attorney or mediator says, the system is pretty black and white. 50/50 split of all communal assets and debt, a child custody plan, a child residency plan, child support, and spousal support of either party qualifies. In theory, all of this can be written up by you and your wife if you sit down for a few hours. But people get very emotional about things, and that affects their decision-making capacity. Ther…
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/25 03:32 PM
7

Agreed, need to find a group of men that are either going through it, or have been there. This group will never give up being a place for you.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/25 02:47 PM
4

The courts view the dog as property. If the dog is in your possession, keep the dog. But yes, as property, it will be part of the final settlement. Sorry for the drama brother...
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/25 07:13 AM
3

Don't kill them with kindness, torture them with fucking success - David Goggins. Demonstrate love to the kids, live your best life, don't sink to her level, rise above her and her stupid pettiness. Think of the adults you want your children to grown into.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/25 12:03 AM
2

Exactly 💯 Demonstrate to the kids love. In time they will come to see the difference. Think of the adults you want them to grow up to be.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 11:59 PM
7

Have you looked at all at the expat lifestyle? I don't know your situation fully, and I'm then asking for the numbers. But between a 401k, social security, and the decrease cost of living; there's a lot of people who are having a very nice retirement outside of the USA. The other option is to look at places in America that are exponentially cheaper to live, but might be less populated or less popular. I personally spent a lot of time looking at Thailand, specifically Hua Hin. I know people who a…
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 04:38 AM
2

It sounds like you guys have no kids. If you have no kids and you're divorced, not only do you need to go, no contact, but continuing any contact will delay your healing and only hurt you. Ultimately, you don't want to maintain contact with somebody that doesn't want you. You're simply going through the grief cycle and haven't yet been able to intellectualize that the relationship is dead. You're still working from a world model that is no longer valid where she was part of your life. She is no …
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/25 12:50 PM
1

Women are super hypersexual creatures just like men. Women control access to sex, men control access to relationships. If a woman is genuinely interested in you, she will literally go through hell in order to be with you. There was an astronaut that drove across the country with a catheter in her bladder just to get to her man( I believe she thought there may have been cheating going on as well ). All of their rules about waiting 90 days, I would never do that act, whatever it is; are all thrown…
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/25 05:18 PM
1

I am never getting married again. There's no benefit. And at this stage I don't believe I'm going to have any children. The marriage contract is fundamentally broken. I'm in a long-term relationship with someone who so far has been nearly zero drama, incredibly supportive, genuinely attracted to me, and has been very healing. But marriage is off the table. Unclear about cohabitation. Not on the table right now, but I'm a realist. Maybe when I'm elderly??
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/25 06:33 PM
8

As others pointed out, there's no logical reason or even emotional one to become am affair partner. If you're talking about being a better man, and a different man. That makes a lot of sense . Do not remarry. The marriage contract is fundamentally broken. But if you want to have sex with women, emotional relationships with women, intimacy with women, etc. that's easy to obtain. There is no shortage of women, they're everywhere. The number of good ones is somewhat slim, but again it depends on wh…
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/25 05:41 AM
3

That is actually fairly common, especially if spousal support/alimony is for a long period of time. In my case, we had non-modifiable spousal support. She can't request a modification, but then I'm also on the hook (pretty much) no matter what. Also 12 year marriage with 3.5 years of ordered support. She also claimed she helped me career and studies (which was 100% the opposite of reality). But in the end none of that matters. It's simply math. Once that final payment is done I'm 100% free, no e…
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/25 03:53 PM
1

You are not a bank, she wants the loan, ask specifically what it's for. If you approve see if you can make the payment directly. If you don't approve then no. Remember once you give it to her it is now HER money, no yours, and be used however she chooses. Call it a loan, but expect to never see the money again. If you are not prepared to consider it a gift, don't do it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/25 11:51 PM
9

Congratulations! I have another 7 months left. Even though I'm paying a ton in spousal support, I still have more discretionary income, I'm investing harder, and have more financial freedom than during the marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/25 04:43 PM
2

This is rarely the case. Sometimes on paper, it does look like it, but in reality, the total amount of money being in a dysfunctional marriage cost you versus being single and able to actually maximize your income, makes a world of difference in how much money you actually have. Kids change the equation completely, cause it’s very difficult to put a price tag on not being able to see your children. In my case, no kids. I worked and made a lot of money, she stayed home and didn’t work for about 1…
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/25 07:37 PM
2

Congratulations! How and what way is that even closer related to the OP’s question or situation?
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/25 07:35 PM
3

I disagree slightly/would modify this. Only bring up divorce if you were seriously considering divorce. It should not be an idle threat. But if that’s the truth, if you’re saying that I honestly will divorce you and in this relationship if I don’t see the changes that are necessary. That’s just sharing the honest facts. One is manipulative, the other is simply you’re getting to your last straw and being honest about it. Either way, divorce is a serious matter, and only should be discussed if you…
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/25 07:33 PM
6

It sounds cliche but it's true. That time heals. However, time only heals if you choose to do the work and move on. There is a disconnect between our brains and our heart. We might intellectually know that this person is toxic, not want them, except they don't want us, etc. But it takes a while for the heart to catch up and accept that. The best thing to do is to not avoid these feelings. Don't suppress them, don't run away from them. Embrace them. When you feel that hole coming. If Abel stop, s…
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/25 06:21 PM
20

The most apt expression that comes to mind is "she was never yours, it was only your turn." What she does or doesn't do is no longer any of your concern. She is no longer yours, it sounds like you guys have kids and need a co-parent. Outside of co-parenting. Nothing that she does should be of concern to your life. May I make a small suggestion. Don't refer to her as my ex, instead refer to her as the ex. She is no longer your anything, it sounds like a small difference, but you're still using an…
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/25 05:54 PM
3

In isolation she should apologize and the issue needs to be addressed. As a recurring pattern, unworkable.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/25 07:31 PM
1

This was not the case for myself and Washington State. All communal assets. Non-communal deaths were split 50/50. I worked and she didn't, despite this fact we owed debt to the IRS which was split 50/50 the time of divorce. She did argue that since I was the only one earning money I should be the only one to pay the debt. My counter was if I'm the only one earning money and I'm the one that pays the debts. I should also be the person to keep all the assets. There is no reply from her part :)
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/25 08:33 AM
1

Life isn't fair. The choice is not between a perfect world and an imperfect world, the choice is between a fucked up and a really fucked up world. Legally it doesn't matter who files. But emotionally, mentally in societally it can make a difference. In truth, him choosing to file can be the first step towards his path towards recovery and Independence. As other posters have mentioned, she wants him to file so he can be the official bad guy instead of her. There is no right or wrong, there is no …
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/25 08:31 AM
3

Have you openly, directly, and even brutally discussed what's going on with you with your wife? Have you sat her down and without confrontation or anger? Explained your wants, hopes, dreams, common actions that you desire for your best life? How is being married to her limiting these things? No insult but only boring people get bored. What is going on in the mirror to stops you from doing the things that you feel you want to do? The most common answer ultimately ends up being oneself. Yes, they …
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/25 08:23 AM
6

Sorry for the drama in the BS. Odds are high that she did not ask for the separation and then initiate the affair, she likely's been having the affair for a while, once it became clear that that was a stable and safe place for her to land, she then told you that the marriage should end. This is going to suck to hear and it's going to be even harder to go through, but the truth is you need to move to letting go and releasing her. You ultimately do not want to be with this type of woman. You ultim…
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/25 08:19 AM
2

Justice, is never coming. What you do is you go out and you live your best life possible, and the only balance that comes out is that you get a better life while she gets a worse life. You get to live your best life, and she doesn't get to be a part of that, she has to live her life, which without you is not the best possible . Don't kill them with kindness, torture them with fucking success! Ultimately the goal with your ex is indifference, total apathy. Hate and the need for revenge are actual…
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/25 07:12 PM
3

The feelings you have and how the relationship unfold are very typical. The most important thing is to know what you want, know your boundaries, and always stay within them. You don't owe her anything, and she doesn't owe you anything either . Women are always going to want to know where the relationship is going, and if they like you they're going to want to lock that down. That is in their nature. Now that she is older, she is even more interested in making sure she can enter into a long-term,…
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/25 02:04 PM
3

Ultimately this is correct. All communal assets and debts are to be divided 50/50, as a general rule. The courts can always make exceptions. It also means that communal debts, example credit card debt only in her name, is actually 50% yours at divorce as well. Well, most couples end up doing it is you add up all your assets, you subtract all your debts, you take that value and divide by two. It is not necessary to actually split each account 50/50. You just each have to get something that totals…
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/25 10:11 PM
2

I was with the ex for 17 years and we were married for 12 years, no kids. We were never healthy, and we were not really workable. She was the first love of my life, was a virgin. When we met. I'd spent all my life in academia and she met me right before I finished school and would have been released out into the wild. Truthfully, I probably still would have met somebody who was not good for me as I had very little experience, and didn't know how to properly vet, I also had self-esteem issues at …
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/25 02:21 PM
3

All communal assets and debts need to be split 50/50. What you do is you add up everything, you get a final number, divide by two. You need to then agree. Usually through mediation how you went to divide things. You don't have to give her 50% of the equity of the home, or your retirement accounts; you just have to make sure that the total amount of assets given is the same . For example, you might keep the house, and give her more of the retirement accounts. It doesn't matter as long as you guys…
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/25 04:16 AM
1

https://www.todocanada.ca/ontario-businessman-to-pay-50k-a-month-in-spousal-support-despite-no-home-or-kids-together/ Canada has the worst case of palimony I have ever heard of
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/25 12:53 AM
3

Sorry for the drama, she is either cheating or has a plan too (with a specific person in mind). Most likely already cheating. IF adultery affects spousal support or waiting periods, then try to confirm. If the courts don't care then proof isn't needed. Get your affairs in order, talk to an attorney, and file. Then cancel, close or lock joint accounts (once you file all new debts and assets are no longer communal). Tell her you filed for divorce, and try to work things out through mediation. Good…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/25 07:57 AM
4

Easy is a very relative term. It's not particularly difficult, but it is far easier for some guys than others. Women are sexual creatures, and there is no shortage of women on the planet. They make up 50% of the human race, and age-appropriate women make up approximately 30% or more. Unless you live in the middle of nowhere, there's usually literally tens of thousands of women in your area, if even 1% of them were interested in you, that would still equal hundreds of women. Yes, we tend to get v…
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/25 07:24 AM
2

I'm my case no kids. I use to take pride in being a provider and giving her the option to do whatever she wanted. She wanted services: skin care hair, nails, blue light, FAR IR, etc. np. We can afford it and I'm happy to provide. Then I remember one day we were at Costco, and I was looking at laptops and she just out of the. Lie started into how I don't need a new laptop, you aren't thinking of buying one, you just got one, etc etc. I got a new laptop 2 years prior, in her opinion (not a compute…
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/25 03:56 PM
5

CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash…
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/25 03:55 PM
1

That depends on the state, but for most it's based on the date of filing for individual assets and the date of dissolution for communal assets. For example, your 401k. Based on date of filing. The house, date of dissolution / divorce. For most states once you file no new communal assets or debts can be created, but preexisting ones continue. For example, she has a credit credit with $40k of debt created during the marriage. That is communal debt. You file for divorce, then she later puts another…
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/25 09:01 AM
5

Have you sat down with your wife and with open, honest, direct communication; clearly explained what your desires, needs, concerns are? You both need to be able to openly communicate what's going on if you want any chance for improvement. What most people do is instead of actually talking to their partner, they keep these things bottled up inside, or the only hint at them of their partner. Frequently. This is done because they're trying to avoid conflict. However, your partner is not a mind read…
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/25 04:34 PM
6

Even if she inherited the house, it sounds like it's become a co-mingled asset. If it's become commingled, then it becomes a community asset in which case you were entitled to half of the equity of the home, if the home was acquired during the marriage( even as an inheritance) that would be 50% of the home is yours . Yours . You need to stop making assumptions and talk to a local attorney. The system is fundamentally broken, but the system does exist and is very nuanced. You need to execute and …
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/25 02:10 AM
1

CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/25 01:58 AM
2

Correct. Even though no kids, we were married for greater than 10 years, she didn't work, I'm a high earner. There was the potential possibility for lifelong spousal support. It was not guaranteed if I was in California, but the odds certainly wouldn't look good. I often joke that if we actually had kids or if I lived in California my family would just get an email that I've moved to Thailand and I'm never coming back to the states...
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/25 11:10 AM
5

Last payment May 1 2026 🤑 Will be the end of the final entanglement and total freedom.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/25 05:01 AM
3

I'm in a similar situation, but no kids. I worked my ass off all my life and owe a ton in spousal support. Married 12 years and in WA it's 1 year of support for every 3-4 years of marriage. She gets 3.5 years at $7500/mo. I have it set up on auto pay, and I just ignore it. It's the price for freedom. If I step back and think about how much money this is costing me, what I could have spent the money on, etc.. it just annoys me. So I instead choose to focus on my future plans and current life. The…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/25 05:00 AM
1

It would be a 50/50 split of ALL communal assets and debts. For example, if you had $40k in your 401k when you married and $100k now. Then have of the increase during the marriage = 30k goes to her. Real world you can not divide everything. So you balance everything. Add up ALL communal assets and debts, divide by 2 and that's what you each get. You can take on more debt, give her more assets, etc.. as long as it balances out. I kept my retirement accounts, she kept the crypto, we each had equal…
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/25 05:49 AM
22

Sorry for the drama and pain brother. The expression is that a man will sacrifice his life and happiness for his children and family, while a woman will sacrifice her children and family for her life and happiness. It might seem impossible to believe right now, but ultimately life is going to be better without somebody that is willing to make that choice in your life. Take care of yourself, and be safe out there.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/25 02:50 AM
3

If EITHER party is not willing to negotiate, just accept it, go to court and have the judge order a final settlement. It will not be ideal, but it will be over. Can work out the details from there. The fear of a court ruling was the only thing that finally got the eX to come to mediation (she had cancelled twice before, changed attorneys once, and refused a $1.3M offer on the house [the ONLY offer we got]. I said fuck it, lets just go to court (was scheduled for 3 months later) and surprise; she…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/25 03:23 PM
20

Unfortunately her response is not uncommon. It's not that she wants you, it's that she wants no one else to want you. The reasons vary: you're the emergency backup plan, you're supposed to be emotionally devastated after you can no longer have access to her, you're not supposed to upgrade to a better woman, you're not supposed to be in a better situation in life before she gets to a better situation than you, etc. Etc. Bottom line is you just need to ignore her. Yes, you have kids together and y…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/25 01:13 AM
7

Don't kill them with kindness, torture them with fucking success - David Goggins. You don't do these things because of her or to get a reaction from her, you do it because it makes you and your life better. The more you go out and crush life, the less you'll care about her or what stupid choices she made. It's hard, but try to step way back and always remember that she is a piece of crap and your life is better without her in it.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/25 04:20 PM
-1

There actually is a very small percentage of people that can make this work. But they don't have what you would consider healthy marriages. Not to get political but look at the Clinton's for example. It's not going to work for the vast vast majority of people, because they try to have marriages that are based on love, mutual respect, and insured interests.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/25 11:20 PM
4

Statistics state that she most likely is cheating. At a minimum. She has a new guy picked out that she dreams about, is having emotional affair, and might even be having a physical one. Women do not leave relationships about a backup plan already in place. The reason she spends so much time secretly researching divorce, child support, alimony, etc is because she wants to make sure everything is in a row before she makes a move on. You. As others have said women will spend months to years prepari…
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/25 04:52 AM
3

It doesn't matter who files from a legal standpoint. As others have mentioned the person that responds is somewhat of the filers time line, psychologically can be affected (ie this wasn't my choice), etc. If you have no money you can file yourself, I did. I went to the state website, looked up all the forms, downloaded the PDFs, filed everything out, and paid the fee (which I don't remember but was around $300). In theory you can also do a DIY online divorce if there are no contested issues (whi…
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/25 12:00 AM
16

Sounds like an acute psychosis,which you are not medically qualified to treat. Would contact her / your doctor for help with how to proceed. Might need a welfare check and involuntary commitment.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/25 07:56 AM
4

Do not FAFO on this. Each state is different and the system fundamentally broken. Talk to an attorney and confirm how to proceed. Most likely if your name is not on the birth certificate there's nothing to worry about. Also did she file with the state or have an attorney send files to you? Or is she just talking directly to you (no filing, no court order).
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/25 07:52 AM
1

The general rule of thumb is women control access to sex and men control access to relationships. The I will never legally marry again comes up fairly early for me (and no kids). Like OP I am fine with a civil ceremony, wearing a ring, a religious service, etc.. but will never sign the legal contract with the government again. Most women so far seem fine with that. They could be hopefully things might change with time but that's on them. I am just 100% honest and leave it to them to decide if th…
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/25 06:47 AM
7

Do NOT use your divorce attorney as a therapist. That is a costly mistake and will give you zero benefits. Keep all communication with the attorney short, direct, and only about the legal portion of the divorce. This group can be great as a place to just vent. I used to write out long posts and sometimes not even post them. The process is important. You need some people you can directly talk to: phone, online, in person.. These people need to listen and provide support. In my case I had 4: best …
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/25 04:46 PM
5

Exactly. The biggest questions post divorce are: why did I choose this person, why did I stay, why did I tolerate abuse, why did I make choices against my own best self interests, how to I not make these choices again. I do not blame the eX for anything. She is who she is. I chose her, and while I was native, inexperienced, and had self-worth issues; she was very consistent in her crazy. She never changed. What changed was my understanding of the relationship, her, and myself. I never had strong…
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/25 04:31 PM
3

Sorry for the drama brother. The truth is that you were used as the useful utility / tool, then discarded when you were no longer useful (likely once she was a path to make more money and have a better career than you). It's not that she never loved you, it's just that that love was conditional. Think of it like a car. You love that car, you have had several trips. But now it's getting older, making noise, and it's time to replace it (because you can). Since you have the option to replace it, yo…
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/25 07:46 AM
2

You need to get this done, no insult, but as you said, it's being lazy and places you in potential harm. She has an accident, she loans the car to some who has an accident, she let's her insurance expire, etc. It's a few forms at the DMV. Try to get it done asap.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/25 07:41 AM
2

Follow-up post. As other said, it's not about how hard you try but what she chooses. You work on being the best version of you. Ignore winning her back. Just be direct and badass. If she chooses to come back around. Then you can consider taking her back. This might sound too much like fame theory, but real-world men vet women, and women interview men. The difference is that men are looking for a reason not to pursue this relationship, and women are looking for reasons to qualify the relationship…
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/25 11:41 AM
3

It's not like that. You can not negotiate affection or attraction. There was an astronaut that drove across the country wearing a diaper to confront another woman thar night have made moves on her man. If you are 'that guy,' to her, she would move heaven and earth just to be near you. She initiated the divorce, has been intimate with other men (and statistically speak if she has confessed to a kiss has done more), and she is NOT fighting for you! Yes, live your best life. Become the beat version…
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/25 11:29 AM
2

You have to understand how the system works. The judge doesn't care that you are broke, the system doesn't care that you are broke, your attorney doesn't care that you broke. However, the judge and the system do not want to deal with non-attorneys. That just the reality of the situation. And the deeper your hole, the more they don't want to deal with non-attorneys. Hiring an attorney says you are treating the process and the court with the 'professionalism' that they deserve. Is that true? It do…
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/25 01:44 AM
13

No insult, but that's why children are children. They are seeing the world in a very limited way and often self-serving. The truth is that most of us could NOT become better men while in the marriage because the wife did not allow it. Instead of asking, why did you not improve during the marriage? The real question is, why did the marriage restrict and limit you? Being in an unhealthy, dysfunctional, or toxic relationship is incredibly limiting. Most of us were putting so much work and effort in…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/25 04:07 PM
3

Talk to an attorney. IF you do not comingle the inheritance, it will not be communal, and she will not have access to it in a divorce. You just have to not comingle the funds, put her name on it, use the funds for a communal propose. To be safe, have an attorney help you. You should be a le to ask the current trust fund manager. It's a fairly typical question.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/25 03:12 AM
2

It's the Disney fantasy. In short: True love is real, permanent, and easy if this was true love, I would feel amazing all the time. I don't feel amazing. I would never choose not to feel amazing. So this feeling must be coming from an external source. That source is my husband My husband is choosing to make me feel bad. It might be deliberately or not. I told him I was unhappy, so now he knows. If he loved me, he wouldn't want me to be unhappy, which I am, and which is his fault. I told him I wa…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/25 10:54 PM
3

I actually ended up throwing my wedding ring out the window of the plane (over an unpopulated mountainous area) lol. It has extremely healing. We had the sell the house, I used my portion of the equity to buy it..
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/25 10:30 AM
24

I am 100% better. The end of a toxic, unhealthy, dysfunctional marriage is a good thing. Together 17 years, married 12 years. We were never healthy. She was my first love, I was a virgin when we meant, she had previous abuse issues, etc. I worked a ton of extra shifts to take care of us, my choice. I felt pride in being a provider and given her the option to work or not (she didn't, no kids). But she was never happy, everything was my fault, we took trips around the world but had zero happy mome…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/25 04:02 AM
1

Talk to the eX and an attorney. This is beyond the level of this group. Sorry for the drama. In the end, everything will work out. But there's going to be lots of bureaucracy and drama along the way..
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/25 07:42 AM
12

It's not even that she wants you, It's that she doesn't want anybody else to want you or to have you. Nor does she want you to be happy without her. The goal is that she leaves you, and you spend the rest of your life wishing that you were with her and suffering because you no longer have access to her. Anything you do that demonstrates life is better without her will cause her great emotional harm. The marriage is over, She killed it, but that does not mean that she is willing to let you go com…
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/25 10:09 AM
1

In my case, 42 months. But it does end. Also, on the other side of an emotionally abusive, unhealthy relationship. I have never been more peaceful and stress free. Fortunately, no kids, no no entanglements once the spousal support is finished. Only 10 payments left.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/25 11:36 AM
2

I did use an attorney, a husband and wife group. I'll send you a DM with their info. WA doesn't go hard against men per se, the system is fundamentally broken and if you earn significantly more than your STBX you will need to pay her spousal support, but only for a short period. Happy to discus and specifics you like here or DM
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/25 05:21 AM
3

CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash…
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/25 08:15 AM
1

Also divorced in WA. If the house is a communal assets the equity is 50/50. Doesn't matter who paid for it or how much. Here's a resource (I didn't use this group, but they have a ton of articles and videos on divorce in WA): https://www.genesislawfirm.com/divorce-washington-state WA is a no-fault, communal property state. All communal assets and debts will be split 50/50. Child custody will be 50/50 unless there are extenuating circumstances. However, 50/50 residence is not always the default (…
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/25 08:15 AM
6

No. You are going to get everything response possible to such a generic question. I am in the small percentage of men that filed. I should have done it sooner. We were never neither healthy nor workable. The end of a dysfunctional marriage is a good thing..
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/25 02:46 AM
1

Agreed, we are saying the same thing. Canada is not the USA (and this is a USA heavy group), but I often repost that link to demonstrate how fundamental broken the system is. Men need to arm themselves with knowledge and work to protect themselves. Even still, one false accusation and you could lose it all.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/25 12:48 AM
0

I will bite. SMV = sexual marketplace value. It's how much you are worth on both the open dating market and individually. You do not get the set your own worth, the market decides. For example, how much is tesla stock worth? Whatever the market decides. You might think Tesla is over or under priced, and there are things the company can do that would likely raise or lower its price. But the company can not just declare their stock is worth $3k per share and force the market to pay that price or r…
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/25 12:45 AM
1

In the end, you are looking to create a legally safe exception to a fundamentally broken system. A system, that can, and does, overturn previous contracts if the current conditions change. The only way to 'win' is to not sign the contract with the government. That's the simple reality of the situation. It's not a 1:1, but look at student loans. They are legally binding contracts, with conditions and terms. Does the average 18 year with no job, no credit, and choosing to go to college as 13th gra…
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 08:05 PM
6

Don't kill them with kindness. Torture them with fucking success - David Goggins
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 04:21 PM
3

She was never yours, it was only your turn...
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 04:18 PM
2

Yes, the key word being _easier_. There is no nation with perfect women, people are the same the world over. What varies is the percentages. For example, obesity rates in the USA are 40-60% depending on region. Obesity rates in Thailand are 13%. Divorce rate in the USA is pushing 45-50%, in Malaysia its 18%. Are there obese, gold digging, entitled, insane, abusive women in other countries? Of course there. The numbers are just lower. Are there fit, femine, attractive, emotionally and mentally st…
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 04:16 PM
7

There need to be caveats to this. When it comes to attraction the statement is true. When it comes to picking a life partner the statement is true. When it comes to evaluating the mother of my children the statement is true. The only time the statement becomes important is in divorce, which no one truly plans for when they marry. Now that I am post divorce, the statement is true for myself (and several others) because we will NEVER marry again, hence no divorce. But you also need to look out for…
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 03:49 PM
18

Sorry for the drama, and I things work out (together or separately). Society had changed a lot since you got married. Your goal as man is to be fit: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financially fit. If you are fit, there will be no problems with women. In fact, they will make themselves available to you. There is no shortage of women. However, there is a shortage of good women! If all you want is some companionship and physical intimacy, that's fairly easy. If you want a partne…
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/25 06:31 PM
1

As others have mentioned, unless there is a true need, delete social media. It's a toxic waste dumb & dumpster fire. It does not reflect peoples lives, but how people wish their lives were. Also it's a myth that you need to spend money to attract or keep a woman. Yes, women are attracted to resources, providers, status, etc. But that's not why a good woman stays. You can go on a walking date, coffee date, etc. Woman that are not agreeable to such dates are most often useless for long term relati…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 01:17 AM
1

Congratulations on getting a final settlement worked out. The system is fundamentally broken, but it does end. Going forward, things will get better. I am now 2.5 years post divorce and have never been more peaceful and stress free. I owe a lot of spousal support, but that ends next May. Even with spousal support, I actually have more discretionary income now than when married (downgraded and removed unnecessary BS). Take some to recover, then plan out what your best life would look like, then t…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/25 12:09 PM
3

Everyone is different, but ending a horrible, toxic, unworkable, or unloving marriage is a good thing. In my case together 17 years (married 12), no kids, she didn't work during the marriage. I am a fairly high earner and had to pay out a lot of money. I 100% am better post divorce. I am also in the smaller group of men that filed (which I think greatly helped me with me mental recovery). I was full of doubts when the process started. Her actions helped kill those doubts :) I have never been mor…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/25 11:49 AM
1

Unfortunately this is the reality. Mediation only works when. Oth parties are reasonable and willing. If either parry is not, then just go to trial. The judge might be biased too, but they will just enact the law 90%+of time. And it will end, if either parry is unreasonable the process might never end, because there will always be more to argue about and request
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/25 07:00 PM
1

There is no shortage of women on the planet (good women, yes). Step way back and think about what you want, then think about your boundaries. Never compro6om either of those once you have decided what your limits and goals are. The danger is a lot of men never made that list. They are desperate for love, intimacy, and sex; so they just take what they can get and then tolerate whatever the woman brings. If she is stepping over tour boundaries, and it sounds like she is, there is no reason to cont…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/25 02:29 PM
2

The laws I'm the UK might be different, but in the USA and Canada, ALL communal assets and debts are divided 50/50 at final settlement (unless the parties agree otherwise). So the communal lost, regardless of you did what, made the decisions, why, regrets, etc.. is meaningless to the court. You don't need any proof of anything. Similarly, if she didn't work and only you paid for everything, all communal assets are still 50/50. This includes retirement accounts and home equity. It does not matter…
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/25 12:42 PM
2

You have to change your mindset. The purpose of divorce is to separate and terminate the relationship. What she does or does not do after the divorce is no longer your concern and no longer a consideration in the choices you make. You want her to succeed, fine. You want to help her succeed, also fine. But you do NOT make that part of the final settlement. You do NOT control her, and you are NOT responsible for her choices /actions. That's during now as her husband, and even more so as her eX. Th…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/25 03:25 PM
3

She will be imputed to minimum wage worst case. Spousal support is calculated separately from child support. Child support is normally just a formula and can not be negotiated as, in theory, it's for the child. However, the formula often takes into consideration how many modnights the child spends at each home. This encourages some women to ask for full custody and full residency, as it equals more money. The more midnights the child spends with you, the less you owe her. Spousal support in WA i…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/25 01:48 AM
16

The eX was always a little chubby. When I meant her, I truly didn't care. Over the course of the marriage, she kept gaining weight. When I moved out, she might have been 215 lbs. But I really couldn't see it. I saw a picture of us in a group shot during a family reunion around 2020, and holy s&it she was huge! I mean, I was blown away at how big she was in the picture. Before the bottom fell out, I just couldn't see it. Love I suppose... She constantly complained, said I ruined every happy momen…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/25 03:20 PM
3

You need to ignore your family and anyone else (especially other women) who are trying to get you to out her needs, her emotions, or her life ahead of your own. You are divorced. As you already know, NOTHING you do will ever be good enough. These types of women will always find a reason to complain. Just ignore her and continue to make the best choices for your life and the kids. Do not make choices against your own best self interests or life. Here's two examples from my previous life: 1) For h…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/25 03:12 PM
2

Consider children if you want them, but do not marry. You have all the legal rights to your children and risk exposure (child support), but without the additional and unnecessary risk of marriage. Marriage is not necessary to have and raise children.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 07:34 PM
7

Just get the divorce done. If she's agreeable, just get across the finish line, and if you personally feel you have to let her know, do it after the final settlement; be direct and be brief. You can never predict how these things will go. But it's not the movies. You making a subtle word play, she pucks up on it, feels regret, and everything is known. Instead think worst case: she freaks out, denies all claims, says you are trying to damage her good name and spread lies about her, then launches …
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 10:39 AM
10

Stoicism helps too. I accept that I have control over certain things (myself, my thoughts, my actions) and I do not have control over other things (pretty much everything else, including the thoughts and actions of others). It is an act of insanity to think I have control over others. I accept that people do bad things, and some people are just bad actors. Trying to go through life without ever meeting a bad actor is impossible. It is to be expected. It's not the event itself that troubles a man…
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/25 02:32 AM
5

Depending on his claims, Stolen Valor is a misdemeanor gross misdemeanor. If he is actively trying to use his service to receive federal aid, VA loans, act as an official of the US government, etc, it can sometimes be a felony resulting in imprisonment.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/25 02:49 AM
4

No need to wait if you have already filed, she will be imputed (and you too) based on previous income. Confirm with your attorney just in case CA has some super crazy gotcha. In my case eX hadn't worked for 12 years and was still imputed at $42.5k/yr
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 12:05 PM
2

I'm post divorce in WA, no kids, 12 year marriage. Most of WA doesn't have family courts, so cases are heard in superior court. Those judges do NOT want to trial your case. 80-90% end in mediation or working out a deal out of court. All the communal assets AND debts are split 50/50. 2 years should be no spousal support. There is a 90d waiting period from time from filling until the final settlement. File today! Once you file it locks in the current status quo and there as a temporary financial r…
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 11:23 AM
5

She doesn't get to control custody. That's a matter of law and for the courts. Depending on your state, 50/50 custody is often the default. However, you also residency, or where the children sleep. You have 50/50 custody but only 80/20 residency. Ideally, you want 50/50 and 50/50 residency. Typical 50/50 custody is 1wk with mom, 1wk with dad, repeat. There can be exemptions when the child is less than 1yr = breastfeeding. For a 1yr marriage, there is likely no spousal support. However, all commu…
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 04:21 AM
3

There is also a huge mental component. In my case, there were also no kids, I filed. It was one of the first steps towards regaining control of my life, establishing that I was making decisions for me. Do not know the laws in your state, But at some point somebody has to file for divorce, In many states have a cooling off period. 90d in WA
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/25 01:36 PM
1

You can request a vocational evaluation. The court can even order one, but she is capable of faking injuries during it. Worst case she will be imputed at minimum wage in your area, unless she can prove she is disabled and unable to work. The courts need medical or vocational evaluations. Not just her word. I'm my case, together 17 years and married 12 years. The eX didn't work during the marriage no kids. She had fibromyalgia (medically diagnosed) and claimed ahead was unable to work, needed reh…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 08:18 AM
5

You are under no legal obligation to leave. She can not force you out. Unless there is a TRO (temporary restraining order) or other legal order compiling you to leave, just tell her to kick rocks and stay. She can leave if she wants to be away from you that bad.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 05:52 AM
1

Sorry for the drama. You need to check the laws for your specific state. At 30yrs+ of marriage most states work things out on a case by case basis. Lifetime, aka indefinite, spousal support becomes an option in some states after that length of marriage. In general, the most states try to balance things so that there is a 50/50 split of all communal assets & debts. And then spousal support to have both parties at parity. But you really need to check the laws for your specific state. Especially if…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 02:13 AM
1

In the USA card is mostly green in color. Hence, the slang green card, it's not the official title. Permanent resident is the actual designation in the USA as well.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/25 11:01 PM
4

https://www.todocanada.ca/ontario-businessman-to-pay-50k-a-month-in-spousal-support-despite-no-home-or-kids-together/ Canada is potentially worse than CA.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/25 10:58 PM
6

Bingo, more child support. Even if there are DNA tests to prove the child is not yours there's an extremely high pretest probability the state would put you on the hook for child support. Sorry for the drama...
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/25 07:44 AM
3

Storage locker or unit. If divorce is coming, set up the home as you need to while she's gone. Move into the 2nd room, but a lock on the door, even move your stuff in there. If no kids, this process 'should' be straightforward. 50/50 split of all communal assets & debts, sign papers, done. But it can get super messy if either party chooses too.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/25 03:34 AM
4

OP it sounds like you are asking if you have a live-in girlfriend, things go sidewise, can she get a TRO against you and have you kicked out of your own home instead of her? Short answer is no. Long answer ask an attorney in your state. In WA and MD, the police would ban you from being near her and then provide her a window where you were not at the house (but you could have a representative there on your behave their to make sure she is not stealing stuff) to gather her belongings. IF you make …
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/25 02:57 AM
1

Yes, also avoid common law marriage states. There's a horrible case from Canada where a couple didn't even love together and he got hit with support: https://www.todocanada.ca/ontario-businessman-to-pay-50k-a-month-in-spousal-support-despite-no-home-or-kids-together/
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/25 06:00 PM
7

She is _NOT_ the law and it is not her decision to make. You are entitled to 50/50 custody and residency. What she is doing is telling you what she wants, you need to step out sided of husband mode, and now start talking about what you want and what is legal. Do not simply follow her lead, that's not how the process works. You both are entitled to 50/50. She is either: delusion, aim for extra child support, punishing you, negotiating (asks for 90% time to get 70% so see she compromised), etc. Te…
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/25 05:04 PM
7

The apathy will set you free. The goal is indifference. It sucks getting there, but on the other side is greatness/ wonderful. Keep up the good work, and I'm glad to hear you are healing.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/25 11:32 AM
1

I am never getting married again, and I am 100% prepared to terminate with the girlfriend at any time. Before dating, I spent a lot of time reflecting on the marriage and myself. My main questions were: why did I choose her, why did I stay, why did I accept the abuse, what so I want, what are my boundaries, etc. I am 100% content and fulfilled without having a girlfriend. She's a nice addition. If she doesn't work out for my life and goals, then I change the girl; not my life and goals. That was…
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/25 11:01 PM
2

When I asked the eX, was there anything in the relationship that was her fault or responsibility she said: that I choose to stay in this unhealthy toxic relationship with you. It took me a long time to slowly wake up. She was my first love, and I was a viegin when we meant. I thought I was working hard and demonstrating love. But in reality, I had essentially no boundaries, and the more I gave and the harder I work, the more she would except and ask. She would often tell me he had 'nothing.' Whe…
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/25 10:52 PM
6

Your statements mirror what the eX would tell me: You ruin every event, we have no happy memories or moments because you ruin them (17 years total), you are a boy and I am your mother and I didn't sign up to be your mother, stop and think it's so obvious do I have to teach you everything / explain everything use that brain of yours, I am a horrible teacher and now I have to teach you, you have been abusive the entire relationship, etc. etc. Not all women are like this. We just picked horribly. I…
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/25 02:43 PM
3

As others have said, used jewelry is worthless. I threw mine out of the window of a plane (over an unpopulated mountainous region). Back to Modor 🌋
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/25 09:14 AM
3

No kids, but took some amazing trips with the eX. She would always fine something to complain about. In fact, she would insist that I'm the 17yrs together we had ZERO happy moments or memories because every single one was ruined by me (before, during, or after the event). We are at the Cliffs of Mohar on her 40th birthday: flew to Ireland and Scotland, drove and stayed in several castles, took a 7 day cruise to Norwegian Fjords, horseback riding, falconing, etc. She was smiling from ear to ear. …
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/25 09:12 AM
8

You both have kids and don't plan for more. There is ZERO reason to involve the government and a legal contract in your love life / relationship. You want to love together, do so. But do not enter into a binding contract with the state that offers essentially zero benefits. You can have joint checking accounts, live together, support each other, and always make the loving choice, with out the government. The marriage contract IS a prenup! It's the standard issue prenup that dictates the terms of…
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/25 09:06 AM
1

Boxing is good, any of the martial sports are. If money is tight look for a judo club. Some are at the YMCA, but many are $20-50 a month. If you need free find a running club
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/25 04:00 AM
4

In my case, divorced finalized Nov, so W4 was still set up for married. Owe an additional $30k per year. Still owe more but have the W4 set to balance out to zero on April 15th. Still a price worth paying to not be married 🤑 I actually have more discretionary income now than when married. Despite paying more taxes, and the huge spousal support. That's how wasteful I choose to be during the marriage trying to support her/us. Now it's just me and I have downsized a lot, but living a better life. S…
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/25 03:17 AM
2

Correct, and for the criminal offenses, she would have to answer for them in criminal court. However, as far as the divorce and 50/50 split of assets, it has no effect. If I have a car loan and then commit a criminal offense, it doesn't affect the car loan. Divorce is a separate dissolution of a legal contract. I was trying to point out that a lot of people get upset that she will say this, do that, expose this, talk about XYZ... and it doesn't matter to the court. Can sometimes affect chuld cus…
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/25 12:12 AM
5

It doesn't matter. The courts do not care. It's 50/50 division of all communal assets and debts. She could cheat, lie, steal, kill the dog, cuck you, physically assault you, etc. And it would make zero difference (yes their would be other legal and criminal issues for some of them, but it wouldn't affect the division at all). That's what no fault means. It doesn't matter who did what, didn't do what, said, or didn't say, spend money, bought, open, or closed the account. Divorce is a business tra…
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/25 11:14 AM
5

The truth is that no matter what paperwork you have or what the judge orders, if your name is on the mortgage, that is 50% your debt, and you are responsible for it. Also, if you want to get a new home, car loan, and anything else with credit, it will show on the report. That also means if you want a new mortgage, you need to make that your primary residency, but most adjust rates based on the size of your rental property. If she ever decides not to pay, pays late, refinances, takes out a line o…
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/25 07:15 AM
2

Bang Tao Muay Thai (google them, I think the mods dont like people posting links), and MMM/BJJ is a good one in Phuket. They are fairly commercial but again, it's a training trip. An unlimited week of training (BJJ, Kickboxing, yoga, etc) is 4500bhat = $130. You can find very nice hotels in the area for $75-100/night or a basic hotel for $50. Near by beaches. I rent a scooter to get around. Amazing food and get a 2hr massage most nights for about $20 (with tip). It will be super hot, so double-c…
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/25 12:53 AM
3

Unfortunately, you are not the first nor last man to find himself in this position. Literally, millions have come before you. Reach out to your brothers in arms, this group, and friends. The begging and groveling is just a stage in the heading process. The ultimate goal is indifference.. The apathy shall set you free. A tune will come when you truly just don't care about her or the marriage. She's just someone you coparent with. Divorce is horrible, but the end of a broken marriage is a good thi…
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/25 01:40 PM
1

Depends on what you are lookijg for. Personally I like Thailand: Hau Hin and Phuket. I do BJJ and MT though. Lots of beaches, amazing inexpensive food, and sights to see. This might sound crazy, but you can do a 1wk Muay Thai kickboxing class for 1 wk for like $400. Even if you have never trained before they have classes for people with zero experience. You sweat in the morning, eat great food and get a massage at the end of the day. What kind of activities do you like and what kind of trip do y…
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/25 09:48 AM
1

Have an open honest discussion with your attorney, explain that you want to and will pay them. Ask about payment options or plans. If they take credit cards, apply for all that will accept you and use them. Payday loans are fine IF you Parthenon immediately (even then they fuck you). Under no circumstances continue using them. It sucks but find a side hustle: Uber, construction, house sitting, pet walking, etc. If you have a network for it house sitting is a good gig. Doesn't pay much, but free …
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/25 11:33 AM
3

Don't do that :) I would recommend exercise. If time and space are limited, then calisthenics + walking/running. Considering learning something free online: chess, programming video games with Godot, cooking, learning a foreign language, etc.. There are a ton of free resources out there. The again thing is to find something with a lot of depth and breath that you are excited about.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/25 08:03 AM
2

She didn't work during the 12 years of the marriage. Was imputed at $42.5k/yr. I accept the system for what it is. I willing entered into a legal contract with the state, and these are the terms of ending the contract. The system is fundamentally broken and the terms are outrageous. But the system is the system. Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it! I can always make more money, I can not make more peace or time. I have never been more peaceful and stress free...
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/25 01:57 PM
2

No kids. 50/50 split of all assets and debts; except the house. The house equity was split 55/45 her favor (long story of how we got there). I also owe a ton of spousal support ($7500/mo x42 mo = $315k) with last payment May 2026. When I say $400k or wasted potential wealth I'm including: new debt she created, both of our attorneys, her refusal to sell the house missing the best market for years to come, and yhr temporary spousal support I was ordered to pay during the divorce. In many ways I'm …
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/25 09:58 AM
5

I choose not to pay attention. Ultimately, it wasn't good for my mental health. I accepted that I had to pay what was necessary and that I could afford it. I suspect it was around $25-30k. The eX somehow spent twice that. Don't know her final number, but she was over $50k halfway through (and switched attorneys). I only know the first part because they tried to cone after me to cover her bill). We had no kids, and I was 100% open about the process. I wanted mediation and volunteered to pay for a…
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/25 04:01 AM
2

Your post is somewhat confusing? If the house is a martial asset / communal asset, then 50% of the equity gained during the marriage is due to each party at the time of divorce. I'm not sure what percentage your son owns (is he a grown adult). You don't have to sell the home. You can agree to split other assets or debts to make everything equal. However, if you can not work out your own deal, the court will order the sale of the home and split the equity 50/50. The home has 2 parts: title and mo…
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/25 11:12 AM
15

Not the OP but here's the general modern women thought process. Cheating is bad, lying is bad. I am unhappy in my current relationship, but he's a great guy, hard worker and good provider. I want us to be successful, but I need some more excitement and energy in my life. I am going to have lunch ~ get my back blown out by this other guy. But I don't have feelings for him, I love my husband. This is just for fun. Telling him might cause a misunderstanding. I am not lying, I am just not volunteeri…
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/25 10:29 AM
1

Sorry for the drama and BS. Divorce is just the end of a legal contract. Yes, it's emotionally and mentally horrible too, but you have to set all that aside. Do not fall on your sword and give her anything that you are not legally required to. IF you want to give more, you have the option after the divorce, but don't make it a court ordered legal requirement. In my case, the eX took me to court for temporary spousal support during the separation, even though I was already paying for everything. …
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 04:04 AM
2

Ultimately she will be imputed at her previous income, it hasn't even been a full year. Forget about neutrality, divorce is a business and you need to handle it as such. It's not about how much a person deserves, or who worked more in the relationship, how much mental or emotion strain you are under, etc. It's just about the numbers. Document everything, request she go back to work, document her refusal and carry on. Get in front of a judge or mediator ASAP! Then get a deal worked out. She will …
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 10:15 PM
8

I don't normally answer these sort of questions directly. Because I would give myself stock market advice and life hacks :) Normally, the real question is: Did you make the correct choice. Regarding my divorce (which I filed for), that was 100% the correct choice. I have zero regrets. Lofe has been exponentially better. New g/f with better boundaries, intimacy, love and support. Even with spousal support, better financials: discretionary income, savings, investments, debt free. I have never been…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 03:51 AM
5

Talk to a local barrister and file. You can always cancel or decide not to. But you need to take back control of your life and the process. Good luck and sorry for the drama...
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 07:18 AM
1

Sent you a DM with an outline of the divorce process (wouldn't let me post here for some reason)
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/25 07:31 PM
1

BJJ is wonderful. You get as much from it as you choose to. Also, there are lots of new guys to talk to and connect with. Statistically speaking, a few of them have likley been through the divorce process and would happy to talk / listen too. The main thing is to find something that you are excited about, and that has a lot of depth and breath. Books, videos, YouTube, training, calisthenics, yoga, etc. Just focus on being fit: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit and financially fit. Th…
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/25 08:10 AM
1

If there are no kids and both parties are agreeable, either an online DIY service or a local mediation service is all you need. The mediation services range in price from $500-2k. They will go over all the points that the court needs, write it up, have their attorney review it, submit it to the court, a judge will sign off, and done. The DIY sites are also fine, again as long as everyone is workable.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/25 10:57 PM
26

The secret to a happy marriage is very simple. You need to find a woman who is your partner, friend, and colleague. A woman that is the mother of your children. A woman that can cook, clean, and maintain the house. And finally, a woman that is a freak in bed. And most importantly, you must NEVER let these four women meet each other.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/25 01:01 PM
4

Oddly enough, the eX got taken for a ride by her first attorney (I luckily found an acceptable one). They ran up a huge bill on her, charged more than the going rate compared to other quotes I got, and they had her do a work evaluation which caused her to be imputed at $42.5k/yr. She switched attorneys halfway through, unclear why (we weren't talking), but they clearly got paid. And she owed all that new debt. I assume came from her portion of the home equity sale. I also suspect she vented to t…
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/25 11:15 AM
7

You need to always do what you think is best and most in line with love / honor for your individual situation. However, literally millions of men have come before you. Anything is possible, but let's focus on what is more probably. It is highly probable that your STBX will treat you as an enemy, make false allegations, ask for uneven custody, attempt to alienate the children, etc. How you interact in front of the children and how to deal with the reality of the divorce are two separate issues. H…
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/25 04:38 AM
7

It's actually David Goggins :) However, it is great advice so I repeat it (should have left a quotation).
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/25 01:35 PM
41

A lot of women don't understand how much a good man works to lift them up. Instead, they take for granted what you provide. And worst, believe that other men would provide for them or provide even more. Once they become entitled and believe that they are this great catch and other men would be excited to provide more; they often step out or try to monkey branch. The harsh reality of life, that no one actually cares, and the few people that do are rare; hits them in the face. And since they can n…
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/25 05:49 AM
9

Unfortunately, if your eX is truly vindictive, she cares more about hurting you than helping the kids. And she mostly likley does complain to others that their Dad is not involved in their life. How she struggles as a single mother but overcomes it through the love of her children, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 06:21 AM
2

She has the right to communicate or not. In these situations, it's best to take control yourself and file first. It doesn't matter who files first legally, but mentally, it makes a HUGE difference. It's the first step in you taking back control and direction of your life. If the marriage is dead, there's no need to sit passive and let lofe happen around you. Choose your own path, and create the life you desire. Good luck and stay safe out there...
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/25 02:18 AM
2

Here's the way to think of it. All communal assets and debts are split 50/50. What is communal? Anything created during the marriage. It doesn't matter by whom or how much they contributed. So IF you bought the house prior to marriage, that's your house. Then you got married, and it became a communal asset (of debt). Any equity gained (or lost) in the time is 50% hers. So, from the date of marriage until the date of filing is the standard. You have investments or a retirement account at work. Th…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 09:41 AM
2

In my case 17 years together, married 12 years, no kids. She was my first love, I was a virgin when we meant. We were never healthy, and I ultimately filed for divorce. As with most, it's a super long and complex story. I ultimately came to understand and accept that we were neither healthy together nor workable. I wanted both of us to love our best lives and that was NOT together. I think that me filing did make things better mentally and emotionally, but I was still pretty fucked up at first (…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 03:51 AM
16

Please listen to what I (and others) are about to say with love. You are never going to find peace, happiness, or success in life until you go 100% no contact with this woman, accept the relationship is over, and that it ending was a good thing. You do not want to be with someone that does not want to be with you. If she left you because you were a cheating drug addict, it's still good that the relationship ended. There is no shortage of women on the planet. She is not special, nor unique. She i…
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 09:01 AM
3

Despite the popular view, women are not more nurturing or loving than men. As you said, it's not that she doesn't love her kids, but many women just love themselves more. The expression is that a man will sacrifice his happiness for the family, while a woman will sacrifice the family for her happiness. Obviously, it's not true for everyone, but it's a common pattern in multiple societies. As long as she's not harming them, there's nothing you can do, and you're not married anymore. Just love the…
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 04:27 AM
1

It's all good brother. Glad you can hear us telling you stuff with love. Think of it this way, NO ONE really knows what another person has gone through. The goal of human connection is not to find people that 100% understand you are had the same experiences. It's to find people that will support you. They should tell you if you are making healthy choices, and if you are making unhealthy ones. When you dismiss others they will dismiss you. The goal is NOT to get them to understand what you experi…
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/25 11:02 AM
3

No one is denying that you suffered, but when you try to play the oppression omplipics you alienate others. They either feel you are dismissing them (and some of them suffered more than you) or you are trying to control/shame them by saying your additional suffering gives you oppression points. You can share your drama/trama with others, by doing just that.. sharing it. Imagine you come to me in the office tell me your story, then say something to the effect of 'I have suffered more than you.' I…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/25 11:33 PM
1

In the end, this is all you can do. She is an adult and has the right to make her own decisions. You are not being unfair to her. You are being honest, and she is free to make her own choices.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/25 09:05 AM
0

As I mentioned, I 100% agree with her considering leaving if that was the case. Because then he would have not acted in good faith and been unworkable. We don't know wlenough to eval that portion. This might sound odd, but for me, money was never the issue during the marriage. She spent a lot, but I 'allowed' it (ie didn't fight it enough). We traveled a lot and I chose to spend a lot on jewelry and gifts for her. During the separation, she took me to court and got a sizeable court ordered tempo…
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 12:39 PM
2

For the record, what is the 'correct advise.' I am always willing to learn and grow, and would like to know the correct advise? My personal advise, would be if your wife says she wants a divorce then you give her the request. Marriage is suppose to be a pack until death. Either part can quit at anytime, but the goal is to struggle together. There are some acceptable reasons to quit: infidelity, abuse, substance addiction, etc. TBH losing all the money is one that's open to debate. IF it was done…
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 09:47 AM
14

She doesn't want you. She wants security. You are the emergency backup plan. As mentioned by others, if you have no children and the divorce is finalized, go 100% no contact, and move on with your life. If you have children, grey rock and only communicate as needed for child care.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/25 12:50 PM
5

No kids. She dropped off random boxes of misc stuff at my new renal when I wasn't home. Pictures of trips, anniversary gifts (but not the good or valuable ones), and the claddagh ring I gave her when we were dating with a note that said "I hope tmyour lies mean something more to the next person." I just laughed. Shee did these drop-offs three times. Also left a note saying that aircraft I wanted the divorce it was my job to dispose of these things.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 04:35 AM
3

CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash…
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/25 01:55 PM
1

Dream interpretation is largely BS. But dreams do mean something. Would just put it in the general umbrella of 'bad shit is happening that involves the STBX.' I've had dreams having still being together, having sex, arguing, actually standing up for myself, she stabbing me, etc. Just unresolved stuff working itself out in your brain. Gets better with time..
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/25 12:30 PM
3

Try step way back and understand that she does NOT love you. Love is a series of choices and actions more than a feeling. You love someone when you continuously make loving choices regarding them. Ie when you loving. That is not her. Let's ask what would you be missing out on? Someone that disrespect you, doesn't want you, is cruel to you, doesn't listen, blames you for everything, is emotional unstable, and doesn't care to or attempt to meet your needs; however, they say the words 'I love you.'…
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/25 11:06 AM
5

If no kids go no contact and walk away. If kids plan a 1-4 week no contact period (ideally traveling). That means no text, social media, cell, etc. Also if you haven't already please read: "No more Mr Nice guy" by Robert Glover "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad Not saying the eX has cluster B issues. But the manipulation tactics and the caregiver role are clearly in play.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/25 05:26 AM
16

In my case, together for 17 years, married 12 years, no kids. I worked, and she didn't. Long story short, I offered a super generous and fair offer. She blocked and refused to talk. She refused to even discuss the sale of the home and, in the end, extorted me for the home sale. We ultimately agreed to a 55/45 split of the equity (remember I paid for everything). She also got $7500/mo in spousal support. The law is fundamentally broken. You are seeking your full legal rights under the law. Divorc…
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 08:22 PM
7

I'm glad you two are handling things, and it sounds like you are emotionally secure, mature, and already moving on. Women ne er jump ship without at least a plan B in mind already started...
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 09:45 AM
9

There no need to mention it until it naturally comes up. When it does you do NOT go unto details unless things are serious and she really wants to know. You treat it like something that happened, that was no big deal. A past event. "Actually I am divorced. It was good that things ended." Or some variation. Recommend against online dating (OLD) but if you do don't list in profile. You want to just treat it as a non event from your past, like where you went to HS. Unrelated to who you are now. IF …
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 09:06 AM
1

Since you say Barrister, I assume you are in the UK. I'm not sure how the laws work there. In the USA, you force her to go to court, and a judge would order a dissolution of the marriage, and that would address the home, assets, debts, etc. IF it's been 3 years, that sounds like a failure of mediation, and I would think a similar forced court trial or judgment could be obtained. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 08:38 AM
4

No kids but child of divorce. Dad moved into a 2bd/2ba when I was in middle school. He was never more than 20 mins away. I never cared about what the place looked like, in fact had to share the room/bed with my 3 years young sister. I was just happy to see him. Also, I was glad my parents separated. I loved them, and they loved me. But they fought a lot, ne er when they thought we knew, we knew. I remember sitting with my sister at the top of the stairs at night and them yelling at each other do…
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 07:12 AM
2

20 - death. All of these ideas, rules, and suggestions are just to git into external societal norms or approval. Who cares what others think or about externals. If you are both consenting adults and want to be together, then it's OK. Do not modify your life to try to appease other people that you have never meant and don't care about. You have to live your life, they aren't living it. Age Alan dating aside. I get a lot of crap from strangers and family about some of my post divorce choices: buyi…
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 03:02 AM
7

A man needs to be fit: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financially fit. The goal is indifference. Live your best life, get a hotter girl, travel, explore and crush life. Grey rock her and just move on. That's how you win, and what makes her suffer the most. Don't kill them with kindness, torture them with fucking success - David Goggins
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/25 05:28 PM
6

Aside: I have more discretionary income now than when married, despite paying a ton in spousal support. I wasn't forced to do anything, I just made bad choices (repeatedly). Also, in the caretaker role. I thought I was being loving, supportive, a good husband. But I was actually making choices against my own best self interests. OP there are good women out there, dating one currently, but it takes a lot of time and work to find one. You have to dig through a lot of shit to find the rocks, rocks …
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/25 04:06 PM
6

A man needs to be fit: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financially fit. If you are fit, you will have zero trouble finding women. They will find you. You have to learn the ques women use because they won't ask you out (for the most part). Women make themselves available, and then you ask them out. Do NOT spend money on them on the first date. A coffee date, walking date, or similar is ideal. Know what you want BEFORE you start dating. Expect to vet a lot of women. If they don'…
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/25 03:56 PM
18

Don't kill them with kindness. Torture them with success - David Goggins Indifference is the best way to win. It's best for your mental health, and it causes them the most pain lol. Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is. Hate is an incredibly powerful emotion that actually continues to link you to that person. Release and let go, live your best life. They suffer because they no longer have access to you!
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/25 03:38 PM
1

Short answer is yes, if you are legally entitled to spousal support, you should request it. Long answer, is men are shamed for asking for support, not being providers, not working, etc. However, what you need to do is step way back and ask yourself; does that shame actually affect me? When society is done shaming me, will society then reward me for being a 'good man?' I do NOT believe that DEI policies should exist, but I encourage everyone that can to take full advantage of the policies that do…
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/25 09:08 PM
5

It is NOT her house and it is NOT her choice. You have equal rights and access to the kids. She doesn't have to be happy about it. Until things are written and signed off by a judge NOTHING is done. Once you are out of the house that's the new status quo. Just be extremely cautious about moving out of the house without a court approved parenting plan in place. There is nothing as permanent as a temporary order...
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/25 12:18 AM
4

First, you do not know that she loves her children. That is NOT a given. It is not a given that she is a good mother, a good woman, or that she loves / cares for her kids. Second, money is useful, but it's not the be all end all of life. It cost me lot of money to get divorced as well, but it's a price I gladly pay and would pay again for peace! Not all marriages or relationships are workable. Third, you assume he hasn't tried to work things out, why? It's a rare man that files (~20%), and most …
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/25 12:15 AM
5

I'm 50, no kids. As others have said, first focus on you. If you are fit: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financially fit; there is no shortage of women that will make themselves available to you. Finding a good woman, that's harder lol. But just companionship, phyaical fun, travel, etc is not hard. It really depends on what you want out of dating or a relationship. Many people will advise pro and con on this, but consider the expat lifestyle as well (that's a huge lifestyle s…
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/25 11:45 PM
8

You will NEVER know the truth. You can trust or believe what she says, and you don't have a time machine to view everything that happened. Not being able to trust yourself is horrible. You are going to have to find internal solutions for that. Nothing external can help, even if you could get to 'the truth.' Accept that she is untrustworthy and that you choose this this person. Then ask why did you choose this person, why did you stay, and how do I not repeat this. What she did, didn't do, why sh…
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/25 02:34 AM
2

Sounds like you should have fired her a while ago. Unfortunately, not all attorneys are fiduciary. Find new representation, and transfer your case. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/25 04:33 AM
5

I'm 50 (no kids). I spend zero money on dates. Meeting women and sex isn't that hard. Finding a good woman, that's hard! But just sleeping with someone is fairly easy these days. For the record, while I don't spend money on first dates I do have an excellent resume and am in good shape. But it's not really necessary. It's really about being open, honest, respectful, knowing what you want, clear communication, etc. Women are not as mysterious as we have been lead to believe (mind you it took me y…
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/25 11:02 PM
9

It sounds like you are looking for permission from a 3rd party to end your marriage, and to be told you are not a bad person for ending the marriage. Vagina sex / penetration is only one way for people to be physically / sexually intimate. It sounds like (ie separate bedrooms and she's unsure if she wants to stay married) that all physical and sexual interactions of stopped. You will get opinions to stay or leave, but _YOU_ need to decide what kind of life you want to live: stay and suffer, stay…
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/25 10:55 PM
3

If there are no children, once everything is finalized, the best thing to do is go 100% no contact. No entanglements. Remember, once this is finished, she is not your wife or your anything. I actively choose to say 'the ex' instead of 'my ex.' Because again she is not my anything. That might sound small or even petty, but it's a mindset. I have no anger, I wish her well, but she's dead to me. I pay my support for another year, and then that's that.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 06:59 AM
4

That's because men and women are different. We have different mating strategies and are attracted to different things. Throughout my marriage, women hit on me all the time, and I was also very unhappy with my marriage. Yet I never cheated. That's because, in general, men are not looking to be saved, and women are. In general, women look for a provider, and men don't. In general, women's emotions are their reality, and men tend to be more pragmatic. Most women can find a man to take care of them …
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 01:04 PM
3

I read your entire post. Under NO circumstances should you EVER have or initiate any contact with her again. Would highly suggest you get the following book: "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. You describe the classic caretaker role. Abandoning your own personal goals, dreams, life, and desires to attempt to take care of her needs, wants, and anxieties. While doing so, you feel proud that you are being loving, and happy to make the sacrifice. Your mental compass…
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 10:10 AM
1

I'm only a N of 1; but my childhood was pretty good. Parents use to fight a lot and tried to hide it, but weren't as good about it as they thought. Remember going to bed then hearing them downstairs. My sister and I would sit at the top of the stairs and listen to them (she is 3 years younger). When they separated, I thought good. It never occurred to me that they didn't love me. Dad got an apartment about 20 mins away, and never lived more than 15-20 mins away. They never said an unkind word ab…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/25 03:49 AM
5

Please ignore the above. While anything is possible, let's stay with what is more probable. IF you and your ife were both comfortable, open, forward, and communicating your needs and solo trips were agreed upon, no big deal. But that is not the case. If you express that this is way over your personal boundaries and she insists that she's doing it anyway, you have an unworkable situation. Couples will have that happen from time to time, so the question is, what is the situation? She wants to slee…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/25 12:41 PM
1

When my parents separated/divorced I was in middle school. Dad was never more than 20 mins away. At first he had a 2bd/2ba apartment for like a year or more. I was just happy to spend time with him. I didn't care about the house, my own room, etc. At the time had to share a room with my (3y young sister) which again I didn't like but didn't care about. Until 2 generations ago people have 3-5 kids in a 2ba 1200sqft home.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/25 11:25 AM
2

LOL. Thats why I included feels. Most women would rather date a Doctor that made $125k than a septic tank cleaner that owns his own business and makes $250. It's why they buy overpriced purses...
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/25 09:28 AM
2

We are not allowed to discuss the crimson capsule, but this is a very common situation. In general, women want to be with a man that they can look up to, admire, lead, and provide. If they make more money, perceive themselves has higher status, or think they can do better; they quickly lose attraction to their man and move on. There is literally no coming back from this because it's based on her feelings, and you can not control her feelings. At this point, you need to work on acceptance. You do…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/25 06:56 AM
3

CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash…
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/25 11:57 PM
2

Talk to a local attorney and file. She was done with the marriage a long time ago and only stays because you subsidize and support her. She will continue to do less and less for the family and place more and more burden on you; because she can and you accept it. Most likely, her promotions and new hobbies make her think she is better than you. Her hypergamy causes her to think you are holding her back, not at her level, she can do better and deserves better. Do not leave the house without a cour…
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/25 11:56 PM
9

If you want to sell the house then the house will be sold. It's a communal asset. That means you both are entitled to 50% of the equity. So one party either buys the other out or the house has yo be sold. IF you owe spousal support (which you can assume you do), you could also use the equity in lieu of support. Look, we can't tell you what to do. But I can say this, life is short, and you have the right to pursue choices that are in your best interests. Divorce sucks, and I am in the small perce…
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/25 01:33 PM
2

Unfortunately, you need legal advice for both the state you live in and your immigration status. However, your wife can not take the child out of the nation or remove them from you on her own. The problem is that while not legal, IF she skips the country with the child, it's a horrible uphill fight to assert your legal rights after the fact. Does the child have a passport? TSA is suppose to require a child travel consent form. People have been know to fake these or TSA to not ask / enforce this …
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/25 10:51 AM
1

I think he was saying that his side hustle is extra income, which equals extra support. Also, I am not familiar with Canada, but in parts of the USA, if she stays in school, she can avoid working and continue to receive support (sometimes even longer than normally be granted).
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/25 10:11 AM
7

Yeah, dude, sorry, but you are not ready yet. She actually (appears) to have clear, strong, and healthy boundaries. You are not ready for a serious relationship yet. You need to remember that half of all the problems of your previous relationship move forward into the next one. Would recommend letting this one go. Do not develop one-itis. You are going to need time and practice before you are fit for a relationship. And that's ok. Healing takes time. Step way back and think about the issues you …
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/25 03:07 AM
6

The big shift during divorce is that I no longer care why she does things, I only care that she does. Focus on her actions, who cares why. It doesn't matter. Maybe she's cheating, maybe she's bored, maybe she thinks a pay day is coming, etc etc.. it doesn't matter. Her actions are the only thing that matters. So prepare for the divorce. Accept that the marriage is over, and focus on what steps YOU need to take next in your life. She is no longer your concern (except to coparent). She has been pl…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/25 10:32 PM
2

From her POV you are the bad guy, you are evil. And she is free to do anything and everything to protect herself from the evil person that you are. Maybe she has to lie, cheat, steal, make false statements, hire attorneys, cry, etc.. it doesn't matter. It's all OK for her to do because this is all your fault and you are evil. The mistake you are making is that you are trying to use logic and reason to understand the situation. However, most women function off emotions. If they feel happy then ha…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/25 09:38 PM
9

Aside. If divorce is likley, move to FL, establish residency, and file there. CA divorce for a greater than 10 year marriage can be brutal...
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/25 04:59 AM
1

NP man, happy to help. Feel free to DM if you want more history on my previous BS or to talk / share more. Fjelstad's book should help a lot. The key thing you have to learn is that anything that is not under your control, you have to release. It sounds straightforward and easy, but it's not how some of us are built, learned, or wired. She is going to blame you for stuff (maybe everything). The classic is: I will do X, but only if you do Y; or I only do X because you do Y. He's implying that if …
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/25 03:21 AM
2

Sorry for the typoes (fixed) was typing on cell early in the morning. You can swap your direct deposit to your new account anytime. You just can't refuse to pay for communal bills, or take (more than) 50%communal assets. Another good book is "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. I am not saying your STBX is cluster B. However, the manipulation tactics, and the caretaker role are common for a lot of us. This book really helped me (audiobook in my case). The fear, st…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 09:44 PM
2

I am 100% on your side, please hear this with all consideration. You might think it's the best offer, it might be the best offer. However, she has the right to discovery, and the right to decline the best offer and fight for more. In my case (no kids, married 12 years I worked and she did not) I did the same. I said there's no need for attorneys, lets do mediation, you pick the mediator, 50/50 split of all assets and debts, spousal spousal for 4 years (max) you tell me what you think is fair and…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 09:34 PM
2

Spousal support and child support are not based on need, but does the party qualify. The amount is based on the ability to pay. This is why Kevin Costner is paying $3k per month in spousal support. The children's needs are obviously less than that. You need to talk to your attorney and review the laws for your state. She can not refuse to work. Even if she hasn't worked previously, she will be imputed (and so will you) to a certain income. In my case (WA), the eX hadn't worked for the entire 12 …
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 03:51 PM
1

In mediation, anything that both parties agree to and sign off is acceptable. The judge only cares that all the necessary pieces are in place. The question is, would she sign off, or why would she sign off on your offer?
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 03:32 PM
3

So let me give a different POV. In my case, no kids, both names on the title of the house, and I moved out. In my case, that was the best move for my mental, emotional, and likley physical health. Yes, she dragged out the home sale, but she was going to do that anyway. The house had to be sold. She couldn't afford it, I didn't want it, and neither of us was willing to walk away from the equity. Once you file, most states lock in the finances, so no major money movements (on either side). I opene…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 03:28 PM
6

The 1 year separation requirement is a horrible leftover law. NOTHING good can come from forcing two people who want to end a relationship to be forced to delay an already emotionally, mentally, and financially draining process for 1 year. My cousin had to endure this in MD. As you said, keep records on everything, ignore her except unless directly related to the kids or the divorce, and accept she is only going to get more crazy with time. What the 1 year separation does is allow the crazy spou…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 03:16 PM
3

All children deserve parents. However, not all parents deserve children. Think about what life lessons she is teaching your son. She is his model of an adult woman, a mother, and a future partner.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 03:00 PM
1

Things vary slightly from state to state. General rules of thumb: 50/50 division of all communal assets a debts. If the asset was created or gained during marriage; or the debt was created during marriage, it's communal. If your truck was purchased prior to marriage, it's yours. If you used communal funds towards the payment, it is owed the percentage of value. But vehicles normally depreciate with time, so they are often a wash. spousal support. Depends on the length of marriage and the imputed…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 07:58 AM
2

Things vary depending on the state you file, length of marriage, and imputed income of both parties. You will both be imputed to a slcertain income. If you are like most guys, this will be based on your last 2-3 years W2. She will be imputed to minimum wage worst case, or higher if she has any degrees or special training, certification, skills, etc. The length and amount of spousal support vary greatly. In my case (WA) the general rule of thumb is short term marriages (< 3 years) get essentially…
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/25 09:31 AM
3

"Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad really helped me. Not directly about divorce, more.about the manipulation tactics and setting boundaries. On YouTube "Shrink4Men" focuses on men dealing with cluster B partners including divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/25 08:43 PM
16

OP please listen to the above advice. Millions of men have come before, and many of us are thriving on the other side. It might be impossible to even consider now, but in the end, what is happening is actually good. Because you don't want to be with someone who does not want to be with you. She has been planning this for months to years. She has already gone through the grieving, pain, and loss. For you, this is a shotgun blast to your chest. An emotional and mental tal wound so big you think yo…
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/25 12:56 PM
2

Contact an attorney and file. This locks all accounts in most states. ALL money made during the marriage is essentially communal. IF she's spent it, then it's gone. IF it's in a secret account, it's 50% yours. Not disclosing that money is unlawful (but only if caught) and the court will normally assign an uneven distribution if caught. What you ultimately have to do is request all records for the last 2-3 years, then personally add everything up, dig through them, and figure out if something is …
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/25 07:43 AM
2

Agreed, nothing good can come from maintaining or worst creating new entanglements. She is your eX, you do not owe her anything. She is no longer your responsibility. She is 100% using you as her emotional support, and once you are no longer useful with drop you. If she can't find anyone else, then you are the backup plan. Either way, nothing healthy for you is to be gained by continuing to interact.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/25 01:46 PM
2

Good luck going forward. Once I got the answer to my main questions a few others came up. I went from online sessions every other week, to monthly, to when I felt like it to, done. There is always something to work on, but the heavy lifting must ALWAYS be done by you. Therapy doesn't cure you, it's one of multiple tools you can choose to use to help yourself. Spoiler: I picked the eX because I overly committed with properly vetting. I did not set strong boundaries, because I did not have any :) …
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/25 07:47 AM
3

You need a goal for therapy to be successful and useful. And with that goal, an end point (which can and will change with time). For me, the main questions were why did I choose this person? Why did I choose to stay? How do I not pick someone like this again? Therapy can be helpful because we often need a neutral 3rd party to provide use with a totally different POV or skillet that is outside of our own personal limited life experiences. With that said, youtube and books can also be extremely he…
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/25 05:29 AM
18

As others have said, the goal is indifference. You are focused, rightfully so, on how unfair everything is. But her life isn't going to be easy. Because she lost you: the hard working, provider, that actually cared about her. Yes she will get a ton of attention from other men. All a woman has to do is show up, and some guys will be willing to talk to or spend money on her. But let's keep it real. They only want to f&ck her, not support her, or be part of her life. Even if she meets a great man w…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/25 03:17 AM
7

Unfortunately, the marriage is already dead. Women don't bring up divorce until they have spent time processing, planning, and having a backup plan I'm place. She has been planning this for months if not years. It's new and raw to you, but for her, she's already moved on. IF you want to try to encourage her to change her mind, you do not do that by being nice, doing chores, planning trips etc. Instead go grey rock (Google it). Act with complete indifference. Start planning and living your best l…
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/25 11:58 PM
1

Agree with the above. Would consider a stay-at-home vacation or take a solo trip (or guys trip if you need cover). The most important thing is clear, open, honest, brutal communication. You need to sit down with the wife and both of you (without anger or yelling, take breaks if needed), and express your true feelings. Anything less than that is doomed to fail. Most couples do not clearly communicate their needs, wants, and feelings. It's OK for your spouse to decline to meet them, but not for th…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/25 01:41 PM
5

Congratulations. In my case, I knew how things would play out from the beginning. 50/50 division of all assets and debts + have to sell the house + spousal support. She wasted time a d money along the way. Asked for / claimed ahe couldn't work, blocked and obstructed everything, etc. Her actions cost waated about $250k of potential wealth to her and about $125k of potential wealth to me. Once I out I used my portion to the equity to pay off all debts (except spousal support), bought myself a lar…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/25 12:26 PM
5

Ty, I was referring to being on the other side of the divorce. I was speaking that I tried money for freedom, it cost me a ton of money (and spousal support) to terminate the marriage. But I consider it worth it, because of the peace on the other side. Given a trade between money or peace, I choose peace. I also am a fairly high earner and will remake what I lost. Technically I actually have more discretionary income now than when married because I got way back and am not supporting another huma…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/25 10:55 AM
11

I'm glad you are taking the steps necessary to separate your loves and protect yourself. You didn't mention if any kids. Being in a horrible marriage is hard. Divorce is also not fun, but on the other side is peace. I can not describe how amazing the peace is... I did not truly appreciate how broken the marriage was until I moved out. I have never been more peaceful and stress free. It cost me a ton of money. However, I can always make more money, I can not make more time. Be safe out there...
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/25 07:26 AM
2

The mods and Reddit don’t allow certain words to be said, like Harry Potter’s he who must not be named. Think of a set of ideas and philosophy + a reference to the movie the matrix
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/25 09:37 PM
23

The problem / issue is that most modern men don't have a mission. Instead of being internally driven to a goal, we are externally driven for a role: husband, provider, father, employee, etc. The problem is that those externals do not actually ever feed you. They feed you some, but you are never full. The main reason is because we try to make a woman the main driving force of our life. And most modern women always want one thing: more. It's never enough. So we constantly fall short. Since we do n…
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/25 12:47 PM
2

I will second "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. That book (audiobook) really helped me. Also, Google DARVO & JADE. These are command manipulation and argument tactics to be alert too. Ultimately, you need to grey rock, set firm boundaries, and always be prepared to walk away from the situation.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/25 09:55 AM
6

I am mixed. I see humans at the population level, moving towards what rewards them. IF most people had a job and their employer offered to pay them twice the money to work 50% less hours, but told them the company would go bankrupt in 10 years; they would take the offer. I agree that ethics, honor, morals, and love should cause women to make different choices. But we are in the end, just animals. I know lots of guys that have gone the expat route and moved to SE Asia and are living a great life.…
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/25 07:50 AM
10

The system is fundamentally broken. I don't actually blame women for this. They are just the product of and responding to the system. In my case, I worked and the eX didn't. I moved out so she had family home to herself. She will never have a house that nice again, and I was still paying for everything + court ordered temporary spousal support (for which I received no credit towards final spousal support). Of course, it only makes sense for her to stay there and drag things out as long as possib…
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/25 06:07 AM
2

They are recorded most liley by the cellular carrier. The internet never forgets. Bottom line, talk to an attorney, request spousal support if you qualify and get the divorce done
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/25 03:55 AM
4

I learn to just ignore the details. I have never personally meant anyone that the divorce was their fault. It's always something that the other party did or didn't do, even if they filed. Ignore them all. Very few people are capable of accepting that they are the villain in the story.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/25 09:01 AM
1

In general, women are both more emotional and more vindictive than men. Hence the hell hath no fury like a woman scorned expression. Lots of men have been horrible during the divorce, more women are. Society as a whole is also more forgiving of women (her right to change her mind). In the end, it's your divorce, so only how you and the STBX act matter. It's a stressful process, ans best to just get it done as quickly as possible while remaining fair to all parties (ideally).
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/25 04:54 AM
12

Delusional and magic thinking. No one gets married thinking they will be part of the 50%that fail (or 50% that stay married but are unhappy). You see this future where you have a partner in life! Maybe children. You have personal internal programming observed from society telling you that a real man and a strong man is a father and husband. We have also as a society decided that the ultimate form of love is signing the legal contract with the government. If a couple loved together for 20 years, …
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/25 12:42 AM
5

Exactly. Take pictures and send them after the final settlement IF at all. You want the divorce finalized as quickly and as painlessly as possible. It might feel good to hurt her, but also consider that she should be dead to you. Hate isn't the opposite of love, indifference is. The goal is total indifference and apathy. Do what you feel is best, but consider waiting until after the divorce is finalized. He'll, if she's really feeling guilty then use that..
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/25 02:21 AM
1

The STBX is asking, you don't have to give. Discuss with a local attorney. Child support ends when the minor child turns 18. Spousal support depends on how much you each make and the length of the marriage. DO NOT give her one penny more. Going forward her problems are just that, her problems. We don't know the details of our situation but in general child support is a state formula. Spousal support varies a lot by state. So again, consult an attorney or check what's typical in your state. Other…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/25 04:22 AM
1

Part of what you describe is called love bombing. Please look it up. Love bombing is not a mature, healthy, or loving way to interact. It is a manipulation and control technique to keep you inline and on her program; that is to safe she is using you. Sorry for all the drama. File for divorce and get it done, hopefully with a short marriage the pain will not be that bad legally. Then stop and take a huge step back, focus on why you want this person (liar, cheat, manipulator, etc) in your life? Be…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/25 04:17 AM
5

CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/25 12:46 AM
2

Equal rights, equal lefts :) What's done is done. Let it go for now. If it happens again, file a report.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/25 03:59 AM
7

But you should. Not pressing charges is OP basically saying her actions are both OK and desired. She yells at me and calls me names, that's ok; I don't set boundaries or consequences. She physical attacks me, that is ok, I cave in and get on boars with her program. She becomes emotionally abusive when she's upset, that's ok; I should modify my behavior so I don't upset her. She's arrested by the police for DV. That's OK, let me rescue her, have her avoid all consequences, and make sure that modi…
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/25 07:18 PM
16

Stop and step back. Do NOT drop the charges. Do not let her slide. Do not try to rescue or save her. She made choices, and those choices have consequences. Let them play out. Please get "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. Paperback or audio (I did the audio book). I might be projecting here, but when men talk about walking on eggshells that often = I don't do certain things and I self police to try to avoid (and therefore control) her reactions, if I stay ahead o…
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/25 07:11 PM
10

CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash…
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 08:19 PM
3

Let me second that the kids know things are off. And you are tight now today demonstrating to them what love looks like. You are telling your sons 'see how mommy treats daddy, that's love. I hope you find someone just like that one day, and you act just like daddy when you do.' You are telling your daughters 'look at me, I'm a man. This is how you treat a man that you love and how the man should respond. Don't settle for anything else.' Based on your description, you are harming your kids now. L…
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 10:57 AM
1

Great that you have a friendship. And great you can be honest that she didn't deserve what you did and you are responsible. Now be an actually friend and place her needs over yours and let her be free to live a life with someone else.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 05:02 AM
1

A man needs to be fit: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financially fit. In that order. You attack everything at once, but you need the base first. I suggest calisthenics + walking/running as these are essentially free. Stoicism is a good start for the emotional and mental. ClearvueTax (YouTube) and Investopedia are good basic financial literacy. Dave Ramsey is also fairly good if starting with zero info (he has a few issues). The most important thing is consistency. That's the…
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 07:40 PM
2

Different variations on the theme of 50% of the problems in your past relationship move forward into your next one. Ie you problems, or the issues you have that are unresolved. Are you fit: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financially fit? In my case: I have trust issues, I suspect that women are lying or trying to manipulate me, and I can not relax when having sex without a lot of prep work or time. What personal issues do you need to work on to be a better person, better part…
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 06:23 PM
5

The eX micromanaged everything so bad that when I was packing my clothes to leave, she complained I was doing it wrong. Another time, I remember I was flying home to see family without her. I had an overhead suitcase, backpack, and laptop bag. She insisted that I could have that many carry-ons and needed the large suitcase. I didn't want to check a bag, so I just said I'm good. This led to a huge fight and days of her nagging me. When she dropped me off at the airport, she tried to stuff my back…
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 12:01 AM
8

I have this discussion with people all the time about things. Not just relationships, but also finances, health, business, working out. They want to argue about some 1 in 1000 chance, instead of focusing on a 1 in 10 or 1 in 1. At the population level, this becomes ileven more important.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 11:50 PM
2

In theory yes, but in actual practice no. We are all human, and in the end, what is the purpose of a man choosing to have a woman in his life? What does she provide? And for most of us, we want emotional support, and while we are happy to be a rock, all men need a break, rest, and will falter. Requiring no external validation is good and the ideal goal. However, no man is an island 100% of the time. Most of us want a woman who will support and uplift us when that occurs. If she's not going to do…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 11:42 PM
13

This doesn't work. Dave chappelle does a good skit about this. You can surrender your legal rights, but you can not surrender your legal financial obligations.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 03:00 PM
8

Forgiveness is for yourself. The poster meant don't forgive and take back, or forgive and try to make things work. Don't carry hate, that doesn't help you. The actually goal is indifference. Hate is not the opposite of love. Hate is a power, strong, binding emotion. Indifference is freedom.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 12:38 PM
3

Most states are no fault. Doesn't matter what either party did or did not do. Some states adultery can waive the request separation period or affect spousal support. However, the 50/50 split of all communal assets and debts is NOT affected by adultery (or anything).
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 12:36 PM
2

Depends on on state. In WA once I filed that locked I'm all the assets a s debts. I could buy a new car in my name and it would be mine, BUT I couldn't use command assets to purchase it. Since I was the only one working I opened a new bank account, had my money deposited there, and transfered every paycheck the money for the house and her (had moved out). I had every clear division of my income and our assets/debts. She actually fucked up but taking over $30k out of the joint accounts and had to…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 10:17 AM
1

Others have said this, she won't file. You are in your 60's, she can not be the bad guy. She needs an excuse why her life sucks, and you are that excuse. You didn't post this but odds are she is unhappy, she blames you for this unhappiness, and blames you foe not doing anything to correct it. She is going to blame you no matter what, so you might as well accept that, and if you want out take the necessary steps. Figure out the finances and debts, talk to a local attorney, and if you choose to ac…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 09:31 AM
17

Sorry for the BS and drama. Hang out here long enough, and you learn that there are about a dozen or so stories just on repeat. Women do not terminate without a backup plan. Either already in place or with their eye on someone. The general advice when you learn these things is to step back and say: good. I do not want to be with a liar. I do not want to be with a cheater, I do not want to be with someone who does not want to be with me. That's a mental transformation from this woman is my wife. …
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 07:17 AM
1

For most women theirnfeelings are their reality, and they always support the sisterhood even when the woman is clearly in the wrong. Ignore them. Besides recording everything, you might want to post on a landlord's forum. They might have evicted tenets before. The laws really vary from state to state and even within the city of that state. I'm in the greater Seattle area. Evictions here are horrible to enforce...
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/25 01:15 PM
3

Sock day. It's a reference from Harry Potter when Dobby (elg) is given a sock as a gift, which sets him free from bondage.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/25 12:51 PM
3

It's not weird at all. Those are part of your life and your story. You can give them to the kids someday if you choose. She's just trying to control the situation. She is not your wife. She is the eX. Ignore her. Also, it's a super minor but actually important point. It's not my eX wife; it's the eX wife. She's no longer yours or anything. It's a small but important mental difference. Some divorced guys still say my wife, but often that is coming from a place of a connection that no longer exist…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/25 01:20 AM
5

One big tip is to NOT respond to everything she sends. The attorneys are feeding off each other. The more paper work one side sends, the more they respond back with, etc etc. I said we would not respond and will ignore anything that is not a court order, a mediation date, a response to our offers, or about a specific event we are trying to resolve. The eX would send these ridiculous long complaints about how I did or didn't do X, have a prone addiction, might have had an affair, etc. I ignored a…
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/25 07:29 AM
1

Together 17 years, no kids. We were never healthy. Dead bed for the last 2 years of the marriage. One night had another nothing fight over BS, and she took off her ring and told me to leave. So I left... Once out of the house, I had never been more peaceful and stress free. Women over estimate how much we need then, or ultimately even want them. I think her goal, another manipulation tactic, was I was suppose to leave, lock my wounds, and come back crying and begging, ready to get on her program…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 11:33 PM
3

That is totally different! In that case, custody defaults to 50/50 in nearly all states; and it's a question of residency (where the child sleeps) and possible child support. Yet you said in your OP that the wife is leaving you??
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/25 07:48 AM
21

OK, so this is hard to hear and accept. But she is neither trustworthy nor honest. Women do not leave marriages unless they either have a backup plan in place or one planned out in their heads. Statistically speaking, the odds are high she at least has an emotional affair or new male target in mind. As you said, separation nearly always leads to divorce. The reason is that she checked out of the marriage a long time ago. She's already gone through the doubts, guilt, fear, etc. She's moved on and…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 11:13 PM
1

Actually a Google search shows that the following no not Llow you to even file for a fault divorce: California, Colorado, Florida, Hawaii, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, Oregon, Washington, and Wisconsin, as well as Washington D.C. I was in WA. It is what it is. The system is fundamentally broken. You just have to accept it and deal with the reality of the legal contract that we signed...
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 03:57 PM
5

No fault divorce is the legal standard in most states and the default in many as well. Quick Google search shows: California, Colorado, Florida, Hawaii, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Michigan, Minnesota, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, Oregon, Washington, and Wisconsin, as well as Washington D.C. The other states have some option on fault vs no fault. If you are in a no fault state, nothing matters. For the remaining states check the local laws. General rule of thumb accept for adultery …
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 03:52 PM
5

The entire purpose of no fault divorce is just that, to make things no fault. She could cheat, cuck you, rob the savings, physically assault you, and lie under oath; and it would have ZERO affect on the 50/50 split, spousal support, etc. Unless you love in a state where cheating or some other circumstances matter, don't even bother wasting tour time with how horrible a person she is, that she blew up the marriage, wants a rich man, etc. The courts neither care, nor take it into consideration. Th…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 07:18 AM
3

Talk to a local attorney. Your goal is to do whatever IA necessary, even giving her additional assets, to avoid lifelong spousal support. Move to TX if you have to wait a year (people are leaving CA all the time). We can not speak directly about your situation, but if things truly can not fixed and are unworkable, talk to an attorney ans see what your options are. If you are a hugh earner you will make back anything you give up short term, just avoid the life long support.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 07:12 AM
4

Look up grey rock. This is how you have to deal with the eX. They exist to create drama. They feed off it. If you starve them enough, they often stop.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 04:10 AM
1

Only you know the answer to this, we don't know her or your full situation. However, looking at your previous posts there is zero reason to think she will know use logic or reason to enter fair negotiations to resolve this. It never hurts to ask though... so offer mediation and see what she says. Just remember that if she agrees you stick to your plan, and don't settle just to settle. In my case, no kids, together for 17 years, married 12 years. Our divorce should have taken a few hours. I offer…
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 08:55 AM
1

You can setup and enforce your new boundaries on day 1. As far when she accepts then, it no longer matters. _YOU_ control access to yourself. You do not need to explain, justify, or ask permission any more. Example: STBX: I'll be by at 1600 tomorrow with some papers for you sign You: I will not be home then, I will not modify my plans. I am free Tues at 1800 STBX: That doesn't work for me, I already: took the day off, in the neighborhood, etc. etc. You: You did not contact me prior to making thi…
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 05:23 AM
4

The eX told me to leave the house after a nothing fit (17 years together / 12 years married) and took her ring off. We were never health. We didn't have any kids, so I left. Once out of the house I had never felt more peaceful and stress free. I started setting boundaries I had never done during the relationship. I also did not call her, she ultimately called me and asked about the house chores. I told her the chores were now on her, we are separated as you wanted. She questioned that we were se…
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 05:19 AM
6

I have never been more peaceful and stress free. Evening having to pay huge spousal support, I still have more discretionary income now than when married. No one is telling I me I did everything wrong: folding towels, loading dishwasher, having wants & needs... I hate shopping. I hated grocery shopping, clothes shopping, home decorating, etc. When I moved out and got a rental, I was surprised how much I enjoyed and was excited by shopping 'for my place!' Costco and Amazon! Planning, choosing, un…
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/25 06:23 PM
6

Please read or get the audiobook "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. If she truly has BPD, these people do not get better. So you have to either accept that and learn how you negotiate a workable home situation with firm boundaries. Or you have to leave. There is no middle ground with cluster B. In my case, together for 17 years, married 12 years. She was my first love, and I was a virgin when we meant. I overly committed without properly vetting. We were never h…
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/25 07:26 AM
2

Agreed. Forget about fair, fair is for normal people. Do not reward or deal with her crazy. When things get this bad, the ONLY option is zero communication and go to a judge. Present your cases, make your requests, and then let the judge issue a final legally binding agreement. Give her an inch of rope, and she will think she's a cowboy. You can not negotiate with crazy!
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/25 06:09 AM
1

Get the book, it REALLY helped me. Would also look up info on DARVO and JADE https://www.youtube.com/live/ni-esO8Zxts?si=s18WHOwiXAZ3XFAm https://www.youtube.com/live/WFQvSdVQsz0?si=qvEh4Zvg6xxwNY2F If she has BPD or cluster B traits the best thing you can do is go NO CONTACT! If no kids then no need for any further or future contact. In my case, the eX had some cluster B traits and our couples therapist told me he suspected she might have BPD, but never confirmed. I listened to "Stop Caretaking…
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/25 02:06 AM
3

Everyone is different. Most of our stuff was digital and on her social media accounts, so it was lost to me. The digital stuff I do have I went through and deleted all the ones I didn't care about, never looked at prior, etc. The rest went into my cloud storage. I sometimes go in and delete a few of them. I keep most of the wedding pictures (digital) as I didn't feel 'right' deleting them. As for the little stuff: anniversary gifts, little rings, a pair of husband and wife stuffed bears. She end…
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/25 03:05 AM
5

There is no single reason. Multiple systems are in play over decades that got us here. Bottom line, the culture is fundamentally broken. A side effect of empowered women. This is why the birth rate is in the toilet I'm every developed nation. The low birthrate, delaying marriage, believing that your career and education are the most important thing you will ever do (vs family), hypergamy (ie when men and women both work she wants some one that is higher up but their are just physically fewer of …
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 10:51 PM
4

Divorce sucks. I'm in the smaller percentage of men that filed and still felt horrible going through it, with no kids. She was my first love, I was a virgin when we meant. I worked my ass off for the relationship and was 100% in. Truth is, I overly committed without properly vetting. We were not healthy together and unworkable. But it took me 17 years to wake up to that fact. So much our our personality and being is tied up in the marriage. Even if not healthy, we mourn it. However l, if your mi…
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 06:36 AM
2

If you hang out here long enough, you notice that there are only about a dozen or so stories on constant repeat. I will read some random guys' posts and swear that could have been me, and vice versa. This is why I think a lot of society and people get wrong about marriage in the West. The system is fundamentally broken. It's not that you picked the wrong person (yes the individual is responsible for their own actions) but that the system is broken, the legal contract and courts are broken, the d…
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/25 05:32 PM
7

Absolutely not. Do not sign anything presented from your STBX (soon to be ex) without talking to an attorney. She is NOT your friend or ally. Do not take advice from the enemy. If the property is owned by both, do NOT leave without cause or reason. She can leave if she wants to be away from you that badly.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/25 05:03 PM
1

$500/wk is $26k/year. $600/wk is $31.2k/yr. Can you afford that for 12 years? Would this deal be modifiable or non-modifiable? Truth is, you should try to keep spousal support as low as possible, and then if you choose to give more, you have the option. You also said you would cover insurance, car repairs, and misc + you 21 y/o child. So we don't know how much you make, your ages, or future earnings. But real world if you are making good money and plan to continue for 12 years: get $500/wk and c…
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/25 04:26 PM
2

You are over thinkging it. The purpose of discovery to to determine the financials, that's it! The court doesn't care what you spend money on or how you spend it. They just to to calculator how much each party has, their expenses, and how to impute them. For example, lets say you spend $10k a year on your boat. That's what you have been doing for the past decade, that's just a line item. You could have been spending $10k a year in Vegas. The courts don't care. As far as your STBC caring, it does…
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/25 04:53 AM
1

WA, there are no firm rules here. Their general rules of thumbs, but each case is handled differently. The general rule is mid length marriages of 5-20 years, one partner qualifies, are awarded spousal support and the length and amounts are to be determined. The length is pretty much set at 1 year of support for every 3-4 years of marriage. We were married for 12 years and agreed to 3.5 years = 42 months of support pretty quickly. The amount on the other hand is all over the place. The max is 50…
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 06:43 PM
2

Let me second joining a Martial Arts club. I have done BJJ since 1999. You can also find tennis clubs, running groups, cycling groups, etc. Pick something that you either already enjoy or want to learn. Stepping outside your normal comfort zone also helps a lot because it helps with personal growth. Remember, we need friction to grow. But friction can also destroy. We need to make the active choice to both choose fiction and embrace it, with the goal of personal growth. This one might sound less…
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 05:33 PM
31

I think the key sentence in your post was that: "I had purpose." A LOT of men make their entire purpose external: work, family, kids, wife, politics, etc. Nothing external is under your control, so when that external is removed, that was the man's entire sense of self. Like a race horse that can no longer run, what is your purpose if you can not do your designed task. The problem here is that it reduces us to tools. We do great while being useful and used, and then are discarded when no longer u…
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 05:24 PM
4

Also in WA but no kids. That's a good outcome, especially no spousal support. I don't know if you mean BPD = Borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder 🤔 Either way, I would recommend: "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. Really helped me. As for things getting better.. Yes, they do! But only if you out in the work. If you focus on taking care of yourself, your kids, and building a new life; you will do great. If you focus on what was lost, what could hav…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/25 06:58 PM
3

I am not as well off as yourself, but still a high earner. I tell people this all the time, the divorce cost me a lot of money, and spousal support is also high. But it was 100% worth it. I have never been more peaceful and stress free. My mental and emotional health would not survive continuing the marriage. I can, and will, always make more money. I can not make more time...
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/25 06:40 PM
4

Not married no kids. Most of the pictures were on her FB as a semi-cloud thing (easy to share). Everything I had was mostly digital. I threw away a ton of stuff, anything that I was not ready to throw away or didn't want to went in a box. All the digital stuff into a folder on my cloud server. I would revisit stuff every few months and throw even more away. I came to the decision that I didn't look at most of this stuff when married (for years) why save it for years to come just to not look at i…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/25 04:14 AM
3

I play chess, and the eX wanted to learn because I would spend so much time studying and in the office (ie away from her). Tried to teach her several times but it ALWAYS turned in to a HUGE argument and personal attacks. If I explained things to simply I was insulting her intelligence, if I did to much theory I was showing off or lording it over her that she didn't know how to play, if I made mistakes to let her learn I was insulting her, if I played my best I was beating up on her, etc. etc. NO…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/25 01:20 AM
10

Went skiing (with now current g/f) on a date. She's a beginner+ but I accidently took up us the wrong lift to an area beyond her skill level. I was bracing for the lecture and BS (and in fact prepared to dump her when it came). Instead she just said accidents happen, and fell a dozen times going down the mountain; laughing and smiling the entire time, saying she was having fun with me. That just did not compute in my mind at the time!
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/25 01:08 AM
3

Not wanting to pay court ordered child support and not wanting to support your kids are two totally different issues. Court ordered child support goes to the eX and she is 'suppose' to spend it on the kids. How? No rules and no records. Her spending on rent and heat would be supporting the kids, her spending on a girls trip to vegas is her supporting the kids. Buying your kids clothes, paying for books, health care, direct payments, etc. should always be part of a father's/man's role. Even if yo…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 07:10 PM
2

I was very similar. I overly committed without properly vetting. But once I committed, I was 110% in. It didn't matter that things were never good, I would keep going. We should be able to work through this. No one is cheating or physically abusive. Just do this a little more now this touch more. OK, the chores and lost just keep growing, but maybe if this... I said until death do us part and no one here is dead, honor demands I continue, I'm a good person for continuing, life is though, you got…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 02:55 AM
13

CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 01:51 AM
3

My mediation (no kids) took nearly 7 hours. Take breaks, eat food and drink water. Do not get so frustrated or upset that you will settle for BS or unfairness. Have an idea of what you are willing to give up to get the deal done, and do NOT cross that line (no matter what). For example, in my case I was paying for everything. Mediation was in Nov and court date Jan. So I knew if we went to court I would be out ~$45-60k. So I was willing to give that much up during mediation to get a 'fair' deal.…
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/25 06:44 PM
3

Sorry for the drama and BS. Hopefully you are in a state that adultry = no spousal support. Otherwise, her actions will ultimately have ZERO impact on the divorces final settlement. With that said, talk to a few attorneys, find one you like, get all our affairs in order, then file. Good luck with the coming drama and BS
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/25 06:38 PM
2

TLDR; she extorted me to get the deal and refused to sign off on the home sale otherwise. Married 12 years (together 17 years). No kids. I worked she did not. It's a long story but the short version about the house is that both are names were on the title. She REFUSED to even discuss selling the house. We HAD to sell it, she could not afford it, I did not want it, neither of us were willing to walk away from the equity. We could have sold in the super hot market (Spring 2022) but she just would …
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/25 05:12 PM
2

To answer your question about the price of peace: 50/50 of assets (and debts) 55/45 split on home equity at sale $15/mo court ordered temporary support during the divorce (that included the mortgage and all bills) $7.5k/mo spousal support x 3.5 years ~$20k attorney fees It was worth it. Have never been more peaceful and stress free. I can always make more money. I can not make more time. She got a huge payout and spousal support. But it all ends. She wasted about $400k of potential wealth: she l…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/25 01:28 PM
11

Sorry for the drama brother. This is all SOP. Most women are not capable of seeing themselves as the villain. They operate on feelings. They wouldn't feel this way with a reason. They wouldn't choose to feel this, so the reason must be external. That external is you! Look up "the light-switch affect" for more info. Do not try to reason with her because facts and logic ARE abusive in her world! The problem is external, and you bring up facts and reality, question her feelings. Questioning her fee…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/25 11:53 AM
1

💯 The ONLY reason the eX finally agreed to mediation (after canceling twice prior) was because I said fuck it and will see you at trial. Had a trial date for 1/3, and we had mediation in Nov'22. Once at mediation, we were able to hammer out a final deal in about 7-8hrs. I got a court date assigned when I filed for 11mo after filing. That helped me in the end. She still wasted huge amounts of money and drew things out for no reason to get essentially the same deal (but less overall money).
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/25 07:46 AM
1

Thx, this group was really helpful for me during the divorce. Hang out here for a while, and you learn that it is the same dozen or so stories on repeat. So I have a few cuts and pastes I keep on file :) The system is fundamentally broken. I got divorced at 47, no kids, 12 years married (together for 17 years), I worked, and she didn't. Can read my old posts but was paying court ordered temporary support for 10mo during the divorce + my attorney + living in airbnb. We did the 50/50 split of all …
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/25 07:43 AM
3

Real world, this is not an option for me and lots of other men. There are very few women who earn what some of us do. And even fewer of them that we are attracted to. Truth is that women have and always will be interested in a partnership where the man earns more. Even women making high six figures prefer that.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/25 10:22 AM
3

She would 100% wonder. We don't know how much of a whore she is so can not guess if she would want to amend things or not. The thing is, it's doesn't matter. Anything could be possible, but we deal with the reality of the situation. Understand that the most likely response to this news will be anger. She will blame you 'some how' for this happening. Most women are not capable of being the villain in the story. They must blame all faults on externals, ie you.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/25 07:55 AM
5

If it's an inheritance it's not communal so it's 100% yours. You want to lord it over her, do so after the divorce is finalized. Confirm with your attorney but you are not required to inform her. As far as reconciliation that would only demonstrate that she's a whore. You do NOT want to be with a whore. She would make that $2M disappear faster than. You got it :)
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/25 06:28 AM
1

Love is less a feeling and more a series of choices. I think of love as work, and you need to be a professional and bring professionalism. Every day, people get dressed, drive to work, and act like professionals. They deal with their boss and customers. But for some reason, we treat the people we claim to love differently. We bring zero professionalism to love. We expect them to carry out the duties we want, but we won't discuss them or explain them. We yell and lose our tempers. We think about …
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/25 07:48 AM
3

If the truck was purchased prior to marriage and only your name is on tbr title itra yours. If the truck was purchased with communal assets or her name is on the title, she owns 50% of it.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/25 06:26 PM
11

Sorry for the drama. Your story is not uncommon. Many women feel that once they level up, they deserve a better man. The partner that they grew with is old, holding them back, no longer worthy. The general term for this is hypergamy. You have legal rights to all communal assets and property. She can not just seize everything and kick you out. Find an attorney, proceed to court, you will get 50% of all assets (and communal debts) and possibly spousal support.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/25 09:32 AM
1

Please don't smoke, but a new group or activity is always a great idea
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/25 06:49 AM
1

It's spousal support to the point that when the kids age out, the woman fights for more support, or her lifestyle suffers drastically. Also, remember that the federal government gives money equal to 60% of paid support to the local ministipality. So the higher the CS, the more money the local government gets.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 09:37 AM
5

Remember, notaries do NOT certify the content of the paperwork. They only confirm that the signatures are real, valid, and correct. I could have a document that Bill Gates owes me $1B notarized. They would just confirm that my signature is me. Sorry for the drama and good luck with the coming fight.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 08:10 AM
3

You need to talk to a local attorney. Under NO circumstances should you sign anything without having your attorney review it. Yes, this costs time and money. The system is fundamentally broken. Accept this and move along. Odds are high you can contest and fight it, but that will 100% require an attorney and judge going forward.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 07:54 AM
4

CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash…
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 12:47 AM
2

Congratulations on getting a fair outcome. Sorry it cost money. But you are correct, it is just money. We can always make more money, we can not make more time. I'm my case, no kids, and I owe a ton of spousal support; but only for 3.5 years. I have never been more peaceful and stress free. Even paying spousal support, I have more discretionary income now than when married. And I am saving / investing more money as well. I accept that the price for freedom was large. I decided I would spend and …
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/25 11:17 PM
1

💯 I had everything in spreadsheets and linked PDF files. Everything was spelled out and super clear. Just be 100% transparent: this is how much I earn (copies of last 3 years W2), these are our previous expenses (copies of bank statements for last 2 years), these are our debts, etc.etc. The eX claimed I made 45% more than reality. I have no idea how she came up with that number when she paid all the bills and did the budget. She also claimed she needed $4k/mo for personal expenses, gifts, subscr…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/25 03:56 AM
2

Just google divorce mediation in your area. There are a ton of different services available. In the end, we did go to mediation and work out a deal. In my case, we filled out full financial disclaimers, made PDFs of all the accounts (assets / debts), an excel sheet with with everything in it, etc. No kids. I had an attorney and so did she. Mediation was via zoom. There were two rooms, one for her and one for me. We never directly talked to each other. The mediator went back and forth. The whole …
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/25 01:49 AM
2

Would recommend mediation. You both agree to the service. You submit all documents, assets, debts, etc. They help you negotiate a fair and legal plan. They write it up. You sign off. They submit to the court, and the judge will sign. Can be done for $1500-5000k. Not binding unless you choose. Often, you get the exact same deal without wasting time or money. You want to research what's typical for a divorce in your area to make sure you feel comfortable with debating things. You can also each hir…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/25 12:01 PM
1

I'm my case, no kids. We were never healthy and debated kids over 17 years. There were a few times we were both yes, but overall, I knew it was a bad idea. In the end, divorced a d so thankful no children. If your heart is not in it and your gut is saying no, don't do it. I have never regretted listening to my heart, I have mostly regretted it when I did not..
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/25 10:31 AM
2

WA. 12 year marriage, no kids, I worked (and earn a lot), and she didn't work. She requested to have me pay her legal fees. The judge declined. Of note, she switched attorneys in the middle of the BS and the judge did say that while she needed representation this represents new debt, not communal, for her to cover. She ran up a huge bill too. I suspect whining to them about how horrible I was, them slow walking the case, and over billing. Check with your attorney about what is normal in TX, but …
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/25 12:56 AM
1

There is no way we can advise you because there are too many variables and unknowns. IF no one is cheating then the best I can advise you is to sit down with your wife and try to be 100%, brutally honest, and ask her to do the same. Walking on eggshells causes self censorship. Self censorship causes resentment, distance, blocks connection, and worst means problems are NEVER addressed. An unaddressed problem can never be solved. Even if it ends in termination, you first have to be 100% honest (an…
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/25 08:57 PM
2

CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash…
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/25 07:02 PM
5

Not exactly. She wants to virtue signal about how great her life is, how much better her life is, and how happy her new family is. It's for both internal / personal external approval. The issue is she's more concerned with her needs, than her child's needs. She's more concerned with externals of happiness, wealth, and success than actually having these things. How many times do you see (mostly women) on a trip just sitting around. Then they fluff up their hair, but in a huge smile, take an actio…
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/25 03:10 PM
4

Enchiridion of Epictetus. Great book
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 11:10 PM
23

100% ignore, no response. It's just a fishing experiment and/or ego boost. Women do this BS. Having the friend reach out gives her plausible deniability. Even if she reached out personally, you 100% ignore. Sorry for the extra drama and BS...
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 04:48 AM
12

Sorry for the drama and BS brother. Here's some hard truths, she didn't become this way a few weeks ago. She has been planning this for months if not years. She has, therefore, already gone through the entire grief cycle and came to terms with the end of the relationship. For her, it's already dead. But for you, it's an unexpected shot gun blast to the chest. The pain you are feeling is because you just went from safe to unsafe. You are just now learning od the death of your relationship and a h…
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/25 02:03 PM
2

Long share WA state has no firm rules, but the rule of thumb for mod length marriages (5-20/25 years) is 1 year if support for every 3-4 years of marriage. In my case, 12 years of marriage = 3-4 years of support. We split the middle at 3.5 years. The amount is all over the place. 33% of my net base is harsh, but it's 'only' 3.5 years. During the divorce, I was court ordered to pay the equivalent of $15k/mo in temporary support! That's because I was also ordered to continue to pay ALL the bills (…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/25 06:39 PM
2

In most states, she will be imputed based on her degrees and ability. You need to talk to a local attorney. I'm in WA, the eX hadn't worked in a nearly 10 years and was imputed at $42k/yr. Could she have made more? Sure I think she could easily get a job making $50-65k but that's my opinion. I am a high income earner, but also worked a ton of extra shifts over the years (esp during COVID). I argued I should only be imputed to my base salary. In the end, she got 25% of my gross base (which after …
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/25 06:02 PM
1

It's because you are under the mistaken impression that the reason she is communicating is to exchange knowledge and ideas. The reason she is communicating is to convey feelings. She is upset with you. You talking to her upsets her. You not talking to her upsets her. She wants you to stop doing things that upset her, she thata what she tells you. From your POV, this makes zero sense?? Because you are trying to figure out the system and how to move within it to solve the problem. This won't work …
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 11:39 AM
3

Need to ask a local attorney. This is a very special and specific situation. Good luck and sorry for the BS and drama...
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 11:11 AM
3

Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is. The goal is apathy and indifference. It will take time to get there. Until then, look up grey rock and stoicism, then practice that when you are interacting with her. You don't have to feel it yet, but you need to only display total indifference to her and her actions. The system is fundamentally broken and has been slowly created over decades to fuck you! Neither you nor your attorney are going to change the system or beat the system. The goal …
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 12:25 AM
1

This is a cut and paste from another post. I just repost it (have a collection of these). Also search 'Briffault’s Law.' Have to be careful because this is often considered RP material. RP is not anti women, anti marriage, or pro monk. The idea is to have a realistic understanding of human nature (men and women), society, and the law; and then make an informed decision about what you want moving forward. For some that's monk mode, but most date. Some marry and have kids. It's just doing so with …
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 02:50 PM
3

Cut and paste: I call this the light-switch effect. And it happens when a woman is no longer attracted to you and is moving on, whether or not she cheated. It's not that she's discrediting all the past good in the relationship, she actually believes it never existed. Let me expand on that a little, and tie it into what we call Briffault's law. Women use their emotional state to define reality- we already know this. When a man feels an emotion, he asks, what could have caused this emotion? Is it …
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 08:47 AM
2

"No more Mr Nice guy" by Robert Glover "Models" by Mark Manson Also Stoic philosophy
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 08:45 AM
14

You feel like a fool because you were foolish. That doesn't make you a fool. We all make bad choices. The main thing is that you learned from it. I was simping hard during most of the marriage. Near the end, I was working 40% overtime, giving her a 45-minute whole body massage every night, paying for our super house in the suburbs, taking first-class trips around the world, etc. And yet, she 'had nothing.' Nothing I did counted for anything because that's what a husband is supposed to do, or it …
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 07:18 AM
3

You keep the peave by providing stable, predictable, distance; with socially acceptable interactions. With neutral tone, always repeat your boundaries and ignore the rest. As another person said, it's just a shit test 🙄
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 02:59 PM
7

Dude, please hear this with all love. 2nd marriage has a nearly 70% divorce rate. The system is fundamentally broken. It is NOT about choosing the correct woman. Yes, that matters, but the system is the issue. If I told you that despite proper planning and packing, 50% of all parachutes fail to open for 'reasons.' Would you jump out of the plane? What about 70% failure rate? You do not need the government in your life to have a loving, committed relationship. Marriage has several institutions: s…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 10:21 AM
9

Also recommend "Models" by Mark Manson. It's OK to want a relationship. Humans were made to be social, but you need to work on being fit first; know what you want, and set strong boundaries. 50% of the problems in your past relationship will move forward into the next. You have to sort yourself out, and then you'll be ready for the possibility and opportunity to be successful going forward. Women are everywhere. There is no shortage. Good women are fair rare, however. You have to dig through a l…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 07:17 AM
3

It doesn't matter. People are always trying to make themselves as a special exception. Odds are high that you are not the exception to the general rule and that your partner is the exception. If someone told you that 70% offirst time business end in bankruptcy that's the fact of the matter. Some make it, most don't. When numbers are that high, you have a systems issue, not a person issue. The system is fundamentally broken. Why the rate is high is a different question. Life is about risk. I ride…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/25 07:52 AM
2

LOL, we could be twins separated at birth. In my case, together 17 years, married 12 years, no kids, I worked, she didn't. Long story short, we were never healthy, and she was very manipulative (but I couldn't see it at the time). After a nothing argument, she told me to leave, and I left. With hindsight, it was another manipulation tactic. I was supposed to leave, cry, and lick my wounds, then come begging back, ready to listen. However, once out of the house, I had never been more peaceful and…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/25 07:43 AM
10

The eX a few times was super pissed off at me because she had a dream, and in the dream, I cheated. She said it felt real, she wen through the emotional betrayal and pain. She wanted me to apologize. Now, I was simping hard during most of the marriage, but I just refused to apologize for her dreams. She said, could I apologize for her feelings or some BS. I said no, huge fight ensued. Who knows if they believe their own BS. It doesn't matter. Stop listening to what she says or claims, look only …
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/25 05:58 PM
1

Yeah it sucks. I am paying a ton of spousal support from my post tax dollars and no deduction.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/25 10:06 AM
2

There are several issues, but to address just one of them. I deal with a lot of very sick people who do fairly horrible things to other humans. Someone's a staff member or resident will ask why event X happened and say they don't understand. I always tell them the same thing: good. It's good that you don't understand. It's good that your mind won't even allow you to consider why another human. Would be so evil. It's a sign that you are a good person that you do not understand the evil of this wo…
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/25 06:21 AM
2

Need way more information, but it sounds like you are in the caretaker role. Addicts don't get better from externals it has to come from an internal drive. We can help support them, but we can not fix them. You are only responsible if you have authority. Without authority over someone or something, you can not be responsible for it. And you most certainly do not have authority over your wife. Therefore, she is not your responsibility. You do not control her, and you can not control her. The obli…
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/25 06:13 AM
4

Fortunately, you're in texas. For a short marriage (no kids?) and she has an advance degree, likley no spousal support. Even if she doesn't work currently, she would be imputed. Confirm with a local attorney, but a judge should not order.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/25 06:06 AM
1

This is some BS 🙃 Check the laws in your state. If 50/50 custody of the child and you legally qualify for child support, you should get it. If both your incomes call for spousal support and the recipient is you, you should get it.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/25 10:13 AM
20

More red flags than a Chinese parade. She clearly just wants an excuse to make you the villain and her the victim. Give her the divorce she wants because she is telling you she is not workable and wants out. It sucks, but that's the current state of the world and marriage. High pretest probably she is cheating currently.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/25 08:53 AM
4

I remember this story. The man was traveling to see his daughter, and the woman decided a coffee was more important. He was right to leave her, and hopefully, he decided to stay gone..
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/25 12:24 PM
9

A man needs to be fit: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financially fit. That journey requires focus, and for a lot of guys in this group, that focus didn't coke until after the divorce. They had putting focus into the marriage and the eX, and now are free to out the focus on themselves. Everyone and every situation is different. In my case, together 17 years, no kids, I worked, she didn't. I ultimately filed. I have never been more peaceful and stress free. I owe a ton of spou…
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/25 11:58 AM
1

I'm in the smaller percentage of men that filed. I do believe that it made a difference in my mental health and recovery from the marriage. I have been more my peaceful and stress free, but my sleep has also been off / irregular for the last 2 years (slowly getting better). In fact except for the sleep I would think there were no major issues at this point. Little stuff surprises me sometimes but not really upsetting. I was just at my mom's for her 80th birthday and she was reviewing pictures of…
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/25 02:57 PM
1

Ultimately, you want a list of all martial assets and debts (with documentation) but don't need that for the first consult. They will take your word for it. If you have kids, you want 50/50 custody and residency. Then it's just child support and spousal support. For example: My name is GobiEats. We have been married for 10 years, and we are both resistant of the state of MI. I earn about $100k and earn about $80k. We have a total of $1M in assets and $400k of debts. 2 kids 9y and 12y. I understa…
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/25 09:19 AM
25

Until women start to routinely marry men who earn less than them, nothing will change. When Adele got divorced, I remember all the women were upset that she had to give the eX ~$140M. All the standard BS: he didn't earn that, she did all the work, she supported him, etc... The system is fundamentally broken, but it's broken by design. That design will not change until the pain is felt by the other half of the population.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/25 08:09 AM
1

It's just the shock to the system. You are operating on broken and outdated software. You think she's someone you love and are trying to play the role of husband. Since you are in the military as your colleagues and command for assistance. Your story is NOT uncommon. From this moment forward, you need to start the process of healing. That means the goal is apathy and indifference to her. Find an attorney, and then you file for divorce. It doesn't matter legally who files, but it makes a big diff…
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/25 07:39 AM
4

I was a very similar situation. Together 17 years, no kids, had the house since 2011 (finalized divorce 2022). I didn't want the house. She couldn't afford it, and neither of us would walk away from the equity, so we had to sell. I moved into a cheap airBnb for 2 months, then rented a single family home. Did I need that much space? Absolutely not! But I wanted the garage, home gym, guest room, and easy commute to work. Where I am (greater Seattle area), everything is overpriced. Putting aside th…
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/25 01:42 AM
6

You are confusing communication with honor, morals, and trust. People had the option of believing the lie your eX told or confirming with you. They choose to believe her on face value. The real reason is that they were never actually your friend. They were acquaintances. Most of us are lucky yo have a 2-5 true friends in our life...
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/25 06:25 AM
2

That debt is 50/50, it sucks to have to go to court and deal with the attorneys but she is legally responsible for 50% of all communal debts. She can NOT refuse that. Talk to your attorney and go back to square one if you have to / if able. If a judge has not signed off on the deal, you can renegotiate, if a judge signed off it is what it is...
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/25 02:30 AM
4

This sites are just selling a product that the market requests. Understand that these sites are more of a reaction than a cause for the current broken system. For example, the ex use to love to listen to this guy Derrick Jaxn. His basic MO was to tell (most black but all) women that they were queens, they can do no wrong, men are lucky to be with them, it's ok to get fat and not keep yourself up, etc. etc. And of course, lots of women ate that up. He was married, and cheated (frequently), didn't…
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/25 02:26 AM
2

I'm sorry that your kid is involved in the BS and drama. Until you file, there's not much you can do. Good luck with the coming drama.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/25 11:09 PM
2

We are 100% in agreement. I think adultery is morally and ethically wrong. I think less of people who make that choice. I am not trying to excuse; just answer OP's question. As for degrees, we also agree. I often give the example that most people speed and Jay walk. But wouldn't do that infornt of a police officer. We break the law because we do not expect to be caught. The same holds true for someone doing an armed robbery. They don't expect to be caught. It's not 'if I rob this store I'll spen…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/25 05:52 PM
3

Yes and no. It's a moral judgment. Let's modify your parameters some. You move to a new town and are looking at homes for sale. You see several you like. But one is much cheaper. It turns out it's because they just lost their job/partner/child, are you a bad person for 'just looking after yourself' and buying the home. Are you a vulture? I'm not excusing the behavior or making a moral judgment. Just an explanation of how people move. If you buy stocks low and sell high, are you a vulture? When i…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/25 03:56 PM
2

Understandable, I would never date a woman who was seeing more than 1 guy, let alone married. However, that's me. There are people who will sell junk bonds and think nothing of it. And there are people that will run red lights. No one runs a red light thinking, "fuck it, I don't care if someone dies, it's worth it to not have to sit at this light." I'm not excusing this behavior, just saying how humans work..
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/25 03:51 PM
8

You are looking at things from the wrong POV. The AP isn't thinking about the spouse, kids, family, etc. Because they are NOT part of that group. They are often not desperate for sex and 'willing to destroy a family's to get it. They are just people moving through the world taking care of themselves. From their POV, the cheater doesn't respect their relationship, so why should / would they? Some people don't want a relationship, and being the AP means this person won't want one either but could …
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/25 12:34 PM
2

CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/25 01:02 AM
14

This is likely the main issue. You being happy, thriving, dating younger / more attractive women, having fun, traveling, making more money, starting a business, demonstrating indifference, etc.. really upsets her. You were supposed to be miserable without her, longing for her, suffering, etc. And you were supposed to be her backup plan. You doing well or improving means that she might have been holding you back!! Her life was supposed to be great after the divorce, and you were supposed to be wo…
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/25 11:28 PM
7

You either get your full 50% equity at the time of the divorce AND your name off the mortgage. Or you sell. CUT & PASTE The house has two parts. Title and mortgage. Changing the name on the title is as simple as a few forms and fees at the court house. The mortgage however can not be changed without refinancing. So again 3 choices: refinance loan, assumption loan or sell the house. If you get a new loan she still has to get her half of the equity. Either you buy her out (cash), an unequal distri…
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/25 05:48 PM
7

Please hear this with love. You need to stop enabling her and rewarding her. You can NOT control her behavior, but you can reinforce it. I was simping hard during most of the marriage and understand. It's often easier to just shut up, let it go, not deal with it, keep her happy, etc etc. HOWEVER, what we are really doing is building resentment towards behavior that we enable. Might be projection, but all the time here, we hear men complaining about how powerless they are after they choose to giv…
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/25 02:19 AM
1

This is very common. The medical term is anhedonia: the loss of pleasure in things (especially that which was once pleasurable). It can be a sign of depression but is a normal and expected part of this process. It does pass. For me personally, knowing this I would just step back and say: this feeling (or lack of feeling) is to be expected, it will pass, I choose not to have this worry me, I will stay on path.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/25 01:06 PM
9

Don't know the details, but it sounds like you are choosing to be her husband during the divorce instead of her opponent. Your communal debt is just that, communal. It should be split 50/50. It doesn't matter what the child wants, you should be 50/50. Again, I don't know the details, but it sounds like you are allowing her to set the rules, then trying to be the husband's and support her. Avoiding attorneys is a good goal, but NOT at your personal loss. Add up all communal assets and debts, then…
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/25 09:37 AM
7

Consider writing letters to yourself or video blogs to yourself. I did videos. Some were over an hour. Just unloading emotionally helped a lot. Also helpful to go back and watch them months later to see my growth.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/25 09:23 AM
9

You are nailing the real issue. Yes, they want you miserable without them. Yes, they want you as an emergency backup plan. Yes, your suffering makes them feel desirable and fuels their ego. However, the core issue upsetting them is that if you thrive after they leave; than maybe (just maybe) they were the problem. That maybr they had actually been holding YOU back! Since that does not compute and would require accountability, most cope with: he gave her everything I asked for, why couldn't he ha…
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/25 02:55 AM
3

Filing first does a few things. Mentally, you are taking back control of your life. You are choosing to terminate. In most states, it freezes movement of accounts and locks in current debts. I filed (no kids), and I believe that it helped me emotionally and mentally. Was still a wreck, and the entire process sucked, but it was the first step (and a big) towards my recovery.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/25 06:16 AM
1

Actually, high protest probability the kids will be turned into local CPS and you will have to go and retrieve them in person. Not the end of the world. If the STBX is using her cell, any of her bank accounts or credit cards, she will ultimately be found.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/25 08:31 AM
9

Just document and record everything and continue to turn it over to the LEO's. What a nightmare! Hopefully, this phase will be coming to an end soon. We all wish you well.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/25 06:42 PM
3

Good luck. The thing is, a lot of guys lack a mission and goals. So they have all this 'free time.' So they sit around bored and alone. If you find a woman, she will 100% take care of all that free time lol. Instead, you need to find your mission and stay on goal. Then a woman is an accessory to your life, not the reason. So many guys simply accept what they can get, rather than choose from what they want. I would recommend the book "Models" by Mark Manson for more info.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/25 01:09 AM
23

A man needs to be fit. Physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financially fit. Physical fitness means working out but also eating right, personal grooming, dressing well, seeing your doctor and dentist, not smoking, etc. Women are NOT the prize or the goal. You do these things for yourself. If you are a fit man, you don't have to worry about women. There is no shortage of women (good ones yes lol). They will find you and make themselves available if you are fit. As for MGTOW. That's …
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/25 05:27 AM
1

Talk to a locL attorney. Understand that most states are no fault. This means adultery, drug use, physical or emotional abuse, reckless spending, cuckolding, etc. have zero impact on the final settlement. A few states (eg TX) do take adultery into consideration for spousal support, but still have a 50/50 split of all communal assets.
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/25 07:13 AM
2

Let's look at it another way. Are you both willing to completely release and let go of anything that happened during the separation? It's just buried and dead going forward. Because anything short of that is not likely to work. Exclusivity is a core part of marriage, and once that's gone, it's a huge shift in form and function. There are people that make it work, but it's rare. Mostly because people won't let go. They bring it up when hurt, or to manipulate, or just because they are pissed. If y…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/25 04:42 PM
2

Exactly, it's better to be out and safe in some circumstances. Sorry for the drama, good luck with the coming BS.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/25 04:19 PM
7

The advise not to leave the house is not 100%. If there are children, it's normally not a good idea to leave until a court approved parenting plan is in place. If the house is in contention (needs to be sold or who gets it) that can also cause issues. But if neither of these exists, OR the house is not safe for you to remain (physically, false accusations, mental peace, etc) leaving is fine; and often preferred. In my case no kids, and I knew the house would have to be sold. She asked me to leav…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/25 06:17 AM
1

No, we each paid for our own attorneys. She requested I pay her legal costs, but that was denied
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/25 07:35 AM
26

Proverbs 21:9 Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/25 04:33 PM
4

He meant drawing the divorce out forever. Divorces are painful, but they are the end of a legal contract. It should only take a few weeks to get done, but some parties will drag it out over months or years. Wasting time and money to ultimately get the same end result.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 01:00 PM
8

CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash…
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 09:40 AM
3

The eX put up some much drama and BS during the divorce, like you said, that upsets me more than spousal support. I filed for divorce and knew / accepted I was going to have to pay. But here crazy drama and BS during the process!?! The absolute waste of time and money, I'm still not 100% over that. Which is a good thing. It reminds me and reinforces that my decision to terminate was the correct call.
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/25 01:48 AM
2

I actually have more discretionary income now than when married. I accept my role in not keeping the spending and lifestyle under control (was simping hard most of the marriage). Financially, divorce will ultimately be a win for me. She gets front-loaded, but it ends. I, on the other hand, still have the ability to produce. And without having to support another human, my long-term wealth is going to explode.
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/25 01:45 AM
14

LOL, so this is not the competition I wanted to be in. Divorced in WA, no kids, 12 year marriage. I paid a total of $15k/mo in court ordered temporary support during the divorce (this included the mortgage, utilities, all bills + her support). After the divorce, she gets $315k of spousal support divided over 3.5 years = $7500/mo. And she got just over 50% of all wealth as well (long story short to get her to finally sign off on the home sale got exerted into a 55/45 split on the equity). I have …
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/25 01:40 AM
2

I am pro MGTOW and in a committed near 2 year relationship with the current g/f. Loving her and as you said so much more supportive. MGTOW is not anti-women or relationships. It's just about trying to learn some od the truths about relationship and the current culture in the west. And then do your own personal thing, going your own way, not what anyone else tells you. That ranges from monk to married with kids. I thin MGTOW and the RP community of lots of good info and insights. People are free …
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 10:25 AM
21

I think that's the key too. I am 100% good on my own. Women can be a nice addition but are not need and not the goal. A lot of the issues in relationships are self imposed. You don't have to spend money, we choose too. You don't have to tell them your plans or check in, we choose too. You don't have to plan you your weekend with then, we choose too. We often make these choice because we 'fear' that they will leave or reject us. However, ask wylhy do you care about that? If she rejects you or lea…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 04:30 AM
11

Why now is easy. Because she doesn't want you, but she wants you to be miserable without her, always a sage landing pad to return to, and doesn't want you to be happy. She's unhappy and wants you unhappy too. If your life ends up being better than her life (and it will), that 'might' indicate she made a mistake. She can ne er be the villain in her story. Do not take her back. If you do once, she feels secure again, she will 100% go right back to blaming you for everything, being unhappy, and wan…
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/25 11:48 PM
19

For what it's worth here is some general advise: You need to work on being fit: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financially fit (in that order). I know people beat this almost to death but the physical really makes a difference. Physically fit means more than just working out, it's also about having a good diet, personal hygiene, dress, grooming, brushing your teeth/hair, seeing the doctor, dentist, not smoking / drinking / doing drugs, etc. It's a healthy lifestyle. Working o…
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/24 01:24 AM
1

The FAA has no medical requirements for an A&P. Not sure if employers do 🤷‍♂️ If tou don't mind my asking warfarin or a DOAC? You should be able to no most machinists jobs on either
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/24 07:34 PM
1

LOL, I have this on cut & paste because this question comes up all the time. I actually do not encourage people to sign the government contract, but I am not anti marriage. Marriage has several different intuitions: social, religious, and legal. I think it's beautiful and fine to have the ceremony, exchange rings, wear the dress, make vows before friends and family. If you have a religious tradition to make the convent with god and have the ceremony. But do NOT sign the legal contract between yo…
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/24 05:57 AM
3

CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash…
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/24 09:01 PM
1

Excellent choice. There is a shortage of pilots and A&P's. On the GA side all of the old guys are retiring, and on the part 121 side they really need new blood.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/24 06:42 AM
6

Everyone's problems are their problems. If Keven Costner or Jeff Bezos told you yo lighten up and count your blessings because you are only out $1M, how would you take it? There is always someone who has it better and someone who has it worse than you. Comparisons are not that meaningful because, in the end, we are not in a war zone or being gassed. I am truly sorry for the drama, BS, and waste your divorce is costing you. And hope it ends quickly, and with a 'good outcome' (ie 50/50 and no furt…
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/24 06:39 AM
29

To add. She doesn't want you, however she also wants you to want her, to have you fail, and be miserable without her. Anything you do that improves your life will piss her the fuck off because that 'might' show she made a mistake, and stops her internal self praise. For example, you divorce then: get a promotion at work, get a hotter g/f, take the g/f to Paris. In fact, just being happy can piss them off sometimes. They want you to be forever broken without them. For ever lamenting her loss. Thi…
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/24 08:10 PM
3

If your marriage is unstable and you are able to at least leave CA. After ten years you are truly fucked in CA.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/24 10:29 AM
4

Would recommend "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. Really helped me. I listened to the audiobook. You already know about DARVO but would also read up on JADE https://www.youtube.com/live/WFQvSdVQsz0?si=RsI8A8xWI7NUJjFB
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/24 02:30 PM
3

It's not about the women's card or fake accusations. It's about establishing legally acceptable proof of abuse, that she is unsafe, and gives the courts usable data regarding custody and residency for the children.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/24 02:29 PM
5

In my case no kids, but dead bedroom for 2 years, I worked and paid for everything, and everything was my fault. Just wanted to say that I don't know your circumstances, but while the financial hit might be large, it's worth it for the peace on the other side. I can always make more money, I can not make more time.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/24 10:45 AM
1

You need to talk to a cpa and attorney. Things vary from state to state. Most states are community property such that everything earned during the duration of the marriage is communal and will be split 50/50. You might be able to set up an irrevocable trust to put some future assets away, but these things need to be done before the marriage and always kept separate. The problem is that you can not use communal funds to create a non-communal asset, and once married unless you set it up beforehand…
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/24 02:03 PM
2

There is a 50% marriage failure rate, of which women initiate 80% of the time. We have a systems problem, not an individual problem. Yes, the system is made of broken individuals. At this stage in the west, the problem is not picking better. It's even deciding to get married or procreate. This leads to why the West is failing. The birth rate for all Western nations is less than 2, ie less than replacement.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/24 06:57 AM
9

It's just feelings over facts. A woman's reality is her emotions. They are never at fault nor in control of their emotions. The thought process is something like this: I am unhappy there must be a reason I am unhappy I do not want to be unhappy, so the reason must be external This external must not care about or like me, otherwise they would not make me unhappy OR they would choose to do things to make me happy therefore this external is evil and out to harm me. I need to protect myself from thi…
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/24 06:14 AM
1

If you never gave a DNA sample, then there is no "DNA test that proves it is yours." Based on your scenario, she would be lying. You might be the father, but also, it sounds like a possible shack down 🤔 You need to decide what your personal responsibility is IF the child turns out to be yours. Until then, give her ZERO money. If you have multiple passports, and it's actually confirmed by an independent lab to be yours (do not just accept any random paperwork she sends you), then decide how to pr…
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/24 10:23 PM
1

I used to spend a lot of time wondering about this. The eX had (with 20/20 hindsight) a ton of red flags, but I couldn't see them. I would hamster wheel away anything she did. I gave her grace on all bad actions. And you are correct. She wasn't acting to the same level of batshit crazy in the beginning. However, I have come to accept (at least in my case) that she didn't change. Her crazy actions increased in frequency and severity, but she didn't change. She was always this person. I choose to …
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/24 10:19 PM
1

When talking online, sometimes words can be confusing. I think you are talking about what's possible, and I am talking about what is probably. Extreme example, you are married with 2 kids. One child develops leukemia, and the extended family bonds together for a stem cell transplant. During the workup, you discover that neither of the two children are yours. Your wife has had several affairs, and each child has a different father. She has been lying about visiting her sister on the weekends and …
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/24 10:10 PM
1

Did you submit a DNA sample to confirm that the child is yours? Or is she simply making that claim?
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/24 04:18 PM
6

CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash…
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/24 01:56 PM
0

You need to talk to an attorney and then call up your divorced military peers (numerous of them exist) for advice about your pension and benefits.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/24 01:55 PM
3

Sorry for the drama and crazy brother. It's amazing how bat shit insane some of the women we chose to marry are. Hopefully, you can force her in front in a judge and get a final settlement approved asap.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/24 01:54 AM
2

LOL, I think looking at the expat lofe is a good idea, but keep it legal. And add Malaysia and Thailand to the list. Malaysia is English speaking. Hua Hin Thailand is near the top of my personal list for my ultimate retirement.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/24 10:13 AM
2

Calisthenics, jump rope, running, home pull bar. YouTube has done of Calisthenics to do at home. No equipment. I highly suggest a home pull up bar or even rings if you have the space. The goal is to work out sub-fatigue regularly as part of a new lifestyle.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/24 09:19 AM
2

Sorry and congratulations brother. It's hard making that first step, I am in the smaller percentage of men that filed; but I think doing so greatly helped me with the healing process. It was the first step towards taking control and accountability of my life and actions. Good luck and stay safe...
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/24 03:55 AM
2

We had a nothing fight where she took off her ring and told me to leave the house and not come back until I fixed what was wrong with me. It took me about five days later to take my ring off. I was not comfortable not having it on me, so I actually bought a small chain like a wear it around my neck (which she also complained about). A few months after the divorce was finalized (I don’t even remember when anymore.) I eventually got rid of it.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/24 03:33 AM
2

Thank you for the update, I have a cousin getting divorced in MD and it was based on that. Glad they got rid of that 1 year wait, horribly stupid law.
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/24 10:29 PM
6

You are in an abusive relationship, however the courts do NOT care about that; hence no fault divorce. MD requires a 1 year separation prior to divorce for a no-fault divorce. That 1 year requires NO COHABITATION or sex (either could restart the 1 year clock). It also requires both parties to agree to the divorce = mutual consent. You might want to look at a fault divorce which would not require the 1 year separation based on the documented physical abuse. IF she attacks you again, try to record…
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/24 07:59 PM
1

"Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. Also married to a cluster B woman (no formal diagnosis). It's really hard to maintain a clear perspective when in a dysfunctional relationship. The eX told me she never wanted to hear my negative feelings about the relationship, that made her feel unsafe. She could, of course, tell me every negative thing I was doing. I was still in the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) but understood that couldn't work long term. We went back and fo…
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/24 02:27 PM
2

"Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad I am not saying the eX had BPD but she definitely had many if the manipulation tactics and some cluster B issues. People recommend "No more Mr Nice guy" by Robert Glover, and I read it but it didn't resonate or help me as much as Stop Caretaking. I was simping hard during a large portion of the marriage. The biggest questions for me were: why did I pick this person why did I stay (and allow her abuse) why didn't I leave what int…
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/24 02:07 PM
13

Ok, so here's the harsh truth: You can not negotiate attraction. You can might be able to save the marriage, be functional partners, have love, support, and be a strong team. However you can NOT negotiate attraction and your list ultimately is trying to do that. You can either accept that their will be no passionate love / sexually love in the realationship, or you can terminate. There is no middle ground on this one. I want you to think of it in reverse. Let's say there's a woman that you are n…
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 10:18 PM
1

Lots of women hit their 30's, conscious or unconsciously, notice their SVM (Sexually Marketplace Value) is dropping, and want to 'experience' life. Normally this is through external validation, and often from men. This might sound harsh, but it's good that you find these things out about her. You do not want to be with someone that is unworkable, unfaithful and cruel. In fact, you do not even really love this person. You love the idea of her, the person that you thought she was (or even was). Bu…
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 10:08 PM
1

Learning to Code online is super easy! I was doing it for fun but let it drop off. Suggest looking at YouTube videos for beginners guides to Flutter and Godot. Also Youtube "KidsCanCode" is a great place to start. Flutter is a free platform from google to allow you to make iOS & Android apps. It's a bit tricky to install the first time, but from there very easy to learn and use. Godot is a free game engine. Can make PC, iOS, android, XBox (with extra steps) games. Just download and run (no insta…
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 07:33 AM
1

Personally prior to and during the marriage BJJ and calisthenics. I've never been into weights, have a gym membership just for the pool (was planning to do an Ironman but never got past Olympics). Motorcycle: Had one prior to the marriage, sold for stupid reasons during. I don't use it for anything other than relaxation and meditation. Chess: free to play and tons of material online / youtube Aviation: I already had my private pilot's license, and after the house sold I took my portion of the eq…
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 07:25 AM
3

This is very important if the man doesn’t want his wife to know and if your wife is embarrassed, this might be a negotiation point. You can use later during the proceedings as much as all this sucks you have to remove yourself emotionally from it and recognize it is now just a business transaction she will do anything and everything possible to try to psychologically torture you in order to get you to make a bad deal but in the end it’s gonna be 50-50. If you simply stand firm that is the defaul…
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/24 04:07 PM
1

eX did the same, but at the final settlement, when the home sold, she had to pay it all back from her share of the equity. I still had to float everything for 10 months during that period. ASIDE: Even after the final settlement, she kept doing similar. So once the house sold and we started closing accounts, I would get leftover checks in the mail or refunds to the general checking account. I got the first check, deposited it, sent her 50%, and said I would do the same going forward. We got a ref…
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/24 05:06 AM
2

We do not have enough insight or knowledge of your medical needs to give a component recommendation. Therefore, I will say this; you need to take care of yourself first, or you are useless to anyone else. As much as 50/50 custody and time with the kids are important; if you are not healthy or fit, it doesn't matter. Only you know if that's needed. Please be safe and place yourself first. If that means inpatient, so be it. If not needed, then skip. Be safe out there...
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/24 07:02 PM
6

Incorrect, the USA and UK have never done a formal random study directly. But all indirect evidence (eg the human genome project), random organ donation, post trauma, home dna tests / genealogy tests, etc have a non-paternity rate of 15-25%. The best data is from genetic testing clinics. For example, a child is born with PKU, sickle cell, cystic fibrosis, etc. Normally genetic testing is recommended for the parents. These are not random cases, but they are also not testing ordered because one pa…
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/24 02:25 PM
1

Done, be safe out there. If you do a few searches on this group you can find some good general advise. The entire process is horrible and the system is fundamentally broken. Try to learn as much about how things work as possible, accept it for what it is, and fight for 50/50.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/24 02:22 PM
2

Without any delusions, image if you will a cultural difference where women recognize that the men are the prize because they can choose from several different women; so they compete to attract and keep a man. Now replace the words: image if you will a cultural difference were men recognize that the women are the prize because they can choose from several different men; so they have to attract and keep a women. That's the biggest difference. In the west, men are expected to work to attract women.…
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 04:00 PM
1

Good point. Some women are vindictive for life. Was speaking more personal observations. However you are correct, I see stories here of men still dealing with the crazy until the kids age out. My cousins had what I described were they were accused of being unfit and unsafe, but then she had no trouble le leaving the kids with them for extended periods or extra time for her trips. OP no matter what the future holds, I wish you the best. I hope the drama and BS end quickly.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 04:02 AM
2

Sorry for the drama and BS. Society has lied about a lot of things, one of them is the: sugar and spice and everything nice. The other is that: mothers love their children. There are several women that just only love themselves. The kids and you are just tools to support them. Doesn't mean they don't care about you or the kids, they just care about themselves more. Many women are driven by emotion, not logic or reason. If it feels right, than it's right; if it feels wrong than it's wrong. She do…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 10:04 PM
2

Sorry for the drama brother. The eX cancelled mediation twice, changed attorneys in the middle of everything, emptied 3 accounts, asked for >50% of my income in spousal support, refused to list the house during the hottest market for years to come (summer 2022), and tried to extort me when we did final get an offer on the house. All of this and no kids, meaning that the final deal was going to be the same no matter what 🤷‍♀️ Just try to keep your eyes on the finish line. The goal is to wear you …
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 04:33 PM
7

Sorry for the drama and the BS. Understand that going forward you can never trust this woman again. I don't mean in the marriage, I mean literally right now! She will lie, manipulate, gaslight, love bomb, etc. Whatever it takes to escape the consequences of her own actions! She made her choices. It was NOT an accident. She planned it, she hide it, it lied about it, she covered it up, she knew it was wrong and did it anyway. And she enjoyed it! _YOU_ are not breaking up the family, she already di…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 04:16 PM
3

Sent you a DM with an overview of the process. If you believe that the divorce will be contentious then you need plan ahead. Talk to an attorney, figure out how to get a temp order so that the kid can not cross state lines, do not leave the house and do not let her leave with your child, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 01:53 AM
8

Same, at some point I started to wake up and realize that she was not a reliable source of criticism. I had zero experience when we started and she had a lot. I had self confidence issues. So when she said I was doing something wrong, my first response was 'thank you, I'll correct that.' Because I (mistakenly) thought she had my/our best interests at heart. When she made silly requests or criticisms (eg you are folding the towels wrong), I thought 'well this is silly, but I have my own pet peeve…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 01:49 AM
4

A man needs to be fit. Physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financially fit. In that order, they feed into each other. Physically fit means working out, but also good healthy (diet, no smoking, no drugs, brushing your teeth, etc). People down play physical fitness, but it's one of the best things you can do for your total health. The goal is a new lifestyle. You exercise to be fit and healthy. Find something you like and build slowly. I personally recommend calisthenics as they are…
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/24 09:09 AM
3

It's not about being submissive. It's about setting strong boundaries and then enforcing them; not thinking that because you are nice, she will be nice to you, making covert contracts (see below), and not valuing oneself enough. A covert contract is one where you say: she's upset about this. I think I will do X, and in exchange, she will do Y. But you never actually discussed this with her, and she never agreed to the plan. So you do something nice for her and get no acknowledgment, support, or …
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/24 08:52 AM
1

We have zero communication or engagements (expect me paying spousal support). I decided no contact with her, her family, or our god children. I have never had many friends and am not very social. I have my own large extended family and 1 'brother from another mother.' Furthermore, her actions during the divorce killed any remaining sympathy or concern I had for her. I wish her the best, but I am completely emotionally divorced from her and her life.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/24 07:18 AM
2

There is nothing as permanent as a temporary order. Hopefully, the status quo will be made formal, your lives are already separated, and there will not be much drama. Good luck 👍 It's a hard step. I'm also in the smaller pool of guys that filed. I think that helps a lot with the healing, moving on, mental / emotional healing. Take care of yourself, you kid/s. Life is going to ultimately be better.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/24 06:43 AM
4

The goal is to demonstrate that she is the involved parent and that you are not. If she gets primary or full custody, it will stop.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 01:44 PM
4

I'm going to be the devils advocate here and ask, have you considered just living your life and letting her be upset about about. Sleeping in a separate room, open marriage for you that you NEVER bring into the relationship or family. That sounds unethical and unfair. But it was fairly common not that long ago. It sounds like you are looking for permission to end it or cheat. We can't give you either. You can suck it up for another 13+ years (and would set up trusts for your money so you don't l…
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/24 10:48 AM
10

Divorce doesn't have to be expensive if both parties are workable. Can just do mediation, write it all up, file, and down. $500-3k.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/24 06:16 AM
2

There are several different rules and laws in place. You need to confirm for your state. In general: if the house was purchased prior to marriage and only your name is on the title, the home remains yours if the home is paid with ONLY non-communal assets, you owe her nothing. if the home is paid with communal assets, she is entitled to half of the portion of the equity gained DURING the length of the marriage. all communal assets and debts are to be split 50/50, regardless of who generated them.…
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/24 06:16 AM
2

Correct, defamation only counts if harm occurs. It makes sense and it doesn't 🤷‍♂️ The real issue is that no harm comes from women making false statements and filing false charges, both are criminal offenses; however, divorce is normally held in family court.
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/24 06:06 AM
19

Same here. She did 100% of the shopping, cooking, trip planning, and interior design / functional. I made all the money but also did a ton of chores. No kids. Post divorce all do all of her roles plus LESS of mine (ie not supporting another human), all in less time. Keeping the house clean is no big deal. He'll we use to have a cleaning service every other week on to boot. I just clean up as I go and don't make a mess. Amazon delivers. And once a week trips to the stores when off is no big deal.…
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/24 02:24 PM
7

Texts are often stored, but it depends on the phone and the company (i.e., deleted texts don't stop the police). As others have mentioned, if not already done, change all your passwords and security questions. If you have any joint accounts, check them frequently to make sure no new debts are being created. Document the balances with a PDF record, not just what you wrote down. If possible, use no communal assets, so it's clear all new charges are on her
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/24 07:38 AM
23

The issue isn't that men are withdrawing from society. That is a consequence and symptom of more underlying problems. The real issues are: the horrible family court / dicirce system, unfit women, the societal attack on masculinity and men, the lack of reward and active punishment for being a 'traditional' man, etc. Porn, video games, MGTOW, red pill, monk mode, etc are a reaction (and a wide one) to these core issues. Society no longer supports men, so men are choosing not to support society. We…
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 09:47 AM
1

TBH I agree with you. That's why I said look at the total pattern. Because IF she was honest about all of that, they aren't red flags that's OP choosing to be with a super driven person. But the wife keeps moving goal posts, breaking promises, lying, etc. That's also unworkable but on her. I know a guy that works 80-120hrs per week. He is 100% open and honest about the fact thatis his life, and he's not going to change it. He's not for everyone but he's honest and consistent. If he plans a trip …
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 09:30 PM
1

Shifting goal posts is a way for people to gaslight and manipulate you. Lofe happens, but if that's the consistent pattern, they are not workable. I had this with the eX. Small things mostly, but over the years, I did nearly everything she asked for but it was never enough. There was always some new reason that she couldn't or wouldn't support me, was unhappy, etc. There are some driven people that place family below work, career, and success. That's OK IF they are honest about it, keep their wo…
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 09:24 PM
3

So no one here can really answer the question you are trying to ask. Here's some general advice: you addressed what your needs and concerns were, she acknowledged them, she states she will not attempt to meet them. Now that's a normal part of a relationship; no one can be all things at all times. The question is what is the pattern? Is this workable? Are you a team or is this a unilateral situation? IMHO the concerning thing isn't that I won't do it, it's that she seems to be switching the reaso…
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 05:48 PM
3

Sent you a chat with a cut and paste. Also divorced in WA but no kids. Here's a link with a ton of info guys his the process works in WA (I didn't use them but lots of articles and videos) https://www.genesislawfirm.com/divorce-washington-state I'm my case together 17 years and married 12 years. You have a mod term marriage. No hard rules, but in general, if one of you qualifies for spousal support, it's 1 year of support for every 3-4 years of marriage: 10 years = 2.5-3.3 years. The amount is h…
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 12:27 AM
15

Under NO circumstances create new communal debt. As much as this might hurt to hear, your goal is to divorce her as quickly as possible and end all entanglements. I understand that is not what you want, but it is what needs to happen. Once a woman walks away, she is done. She has been planning this for months if not years. Her future is no longer your concern. Her security is no longer your concern. Help her out as much as needed to facilitate the divorce. But no new communal assets or debts. Sh…
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/24 06:35 AM
1

Love has many different forms and expressions. Love is more a serious of choices than a feeling or emotion. You either act loving and make loving choices, or you do not. An abusive spousal might have the feeling of love, but their actions are not loving. In the real world, money is necessary for you to exist. An unworkable partner (financially or otherwise) is incompatible with success. When you day love is a relic, when in human history did this great period of pure romantic / feeling love exis…
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/24 04:08 AM
1

OP is mistaken and in the FOG (fear obligation guilt). Clearly, there are many women that would take better emotion care of him because they wouldn't be this out of control, selfish, dismissive, or unworkable. Might be projecting, but it sounds like OP is another guy that surrenders all his power to his wife and then complains about how powerless he is. And that's not an insult or attack, I was doing the same and simping hard during most of the marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/24 04:04 AM
1

Oh no, there were attorneys! I was hoping to avoid bringing them in as, in my case, no kids, we had to sell the house, and we are straight forward assets. I started the process myself with an attorney on backup. I laid everything out for her, was 100% open, honest, and transparent. She decided to lawyer up, and then I was forced to do the same. She then proceeded to waste a lot of money. In theory, if you are both reasonable, you can go to a divorce mediation service, have them wrote everything …
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/24 03:59 AM
1

Unfortunately there's only going to be more drama as things progress most likely. Just accept that this is who she is, how she handles herself, and take it as yet another sign that she is not workable. All of the documents will come out eventually in discovery, are available online or can be requested. She is doing this to control the situation, spite, to upset you, delusion, etc... Just work on ignoring it. I filed, and shortly after the STBX maxed out several joint accounts. I knew that women …
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/24 04:33 AM
1

STOP! Contact your attorney, have copies of everything, report the crime per your attorneys recommendations. Under no circumstances do not report this. You are exposing yourself to possible risk, if she broke the law that is 100% on her. This is NOT a negotiation tactic, this is the IRS and they will come after both of you. You can negotiate with her too, but hopefully just to put ALL penalties and fees on her.
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/24 04:23 AM
5

Yes (see below) but that's not something to focus on. You need to focus on being fit: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financially fit. You do that for yourself, NOT for women. But if you are a fit man, you will have no trouble finding or attracting women. In fact, they will find you! There is no shortage of women, they are everywhere. There is a shortage of good / fit women (especially in the west). You need to move from a scarcity mindset to an abundance mindset. For most guy…
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/24 04:13 AM
5

I also am the one who asked for and filed for divorce. Just because you know it has to happen doesn't mean you are happy or excited about it. I was messed up for weeks, cried, lots of doubt, anxiety, stress, etc. Together for 17 years, married 12 years. She was my first love first serious relationship, and i was a virgin when we meant. We were never healthy or workable. I was 48 when the divorce was finalized. Wealth building will be easier going forward because you won't have someone actively s…
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/24 02:43 AM
3

In my case I filed myself, then hired a service to serve her. From the time I contracted the service it took about 5-6 days for their first attempt, and another week to actuall find her
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 05:06 AM
5

Confirm with your attorney, but in most states, once you file, that ends the creation of new communal assets or debts. You can do anything you want as long as you do not use communal assets or debt to do it. For example. AFTER I filed the then STBX joined the most expensive club in the state, tool out $20k from our personal lone of credit, maxed out the joint VISA, etc. All of that was new debt on her! She had to pay all that back, and work out paying for her new expenses on her own. But I had t…
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/24 12:23 PM
1

Sent you a cut & paste from a previous message (check your chats / DM). Things vary from state to state, so research what's typical for your state. 4 basic issues: 50/50 split of all communal assets / debts spousal support if either party qualifies Children: child custody (aim for 50/50) Children: child residency (how many midnights per month you each get / where the kids sleep). Aim for 50/50 Children: Child support (partly based on residency) Each of these is calculated separately. General rul…
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/24 12:18 PM
1

Good luck and stay focused. One additional point, do not hold any grudge, beef, or anger at the AP. The AP is nothing. It's your STBX that is the stack of shit. People want to blame the AP, the home wrecker, because it's a cope to not have to deal with the reality that we picked a cheater and liar. In extreme cases, people have complete transference (I know that's now you). Ultimately, the goal is indifference to the STBX and the AP. Hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is. Hate is a p…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 02:08 PM
6

LOL, glad to help. I just turned 50. The big transformation for me was thinking about the numbers. Most women are, by definition, average. I am an above average man. Why am I so nervous and jumping through hops to try to 'win' the approval of this average woman 🤔 Answer: Because that's what I've been conditioned my entire life to believe. Men interview for the privilege of a woman's time, and she selects from multiple suitors. But that was when she was in her 20's. She didn't need to put in work…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 11:44 AM
5

Hey man, it's OK. This shit is hard. I isolated myself a lot during the marriage because to be 100% honest, I was embarrassed and ashamed. I didn't think anyone cared, my problems were that big a deal in the cosmic sense (and were mostly my fault), etc But once I started talking turns out my best friend and two cousins were super helpful, listened to me talk for hours, never judged me, and I caught everything off my chest. With that said, some people will be judgemental, just ignore them. Just p…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 10:12 AM
15

It's a numbers game and practice. Stop making ANY expectations or goals when talking to women. Just say, "This is for practice. It doesn't matter what happens. I'm going to be myself, and she can take it or leave it. I'm not here for any goal except to get practice." Go on dates and literally just try things out and see what happens. I went on a date with a women that had radically different political views, I just said fuck it, and talked to her as I would anyone else (instead of being fake mal…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 06:12 AM
3

LOL. Yeah, I don't have kids, so I'm only paying spousal support. I'm planning to pay her off early spring/summer of 2025 (officially final payment due May 2026). Like you said just to be free of the weight. However, I confirmed during final settlement that extra payments count towards my final amount owed. I have a colleague who was making extra payments each month and stopped early. And the eX took him back to court. The court considered all those extra payments as gifts!!! Because it wasn't p…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 05:10 AM
4

Talk to an attorney. CS can often be continuously modified and contested in most states. Any extra is seen as a gift. Even if you dot all the I'm and cross the T's, she might later claim she needs as adjustment and petition for more. I know 2 colleagues that had the eX try for adjustments the last year of support after no requests for years. If your attorney says it OK then do.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 12:44 PM
1

The truth is you are moving towards divorce, and she is moving towards being homeless (per your report). Do NOT engage in make-believe play for public support. Just skip it. IF you must give a reason just say work, your have a gi bug, etc. It doesn't matter what the public will or will not think. Stay genuine and true to yourself. It's in in either of your best mental or emotional health to play husband and wife in public, just to fake a party....
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/24 10:48 AM
3

Sorry for the drama brother. Here's the short answer, you are trying to use logic and reason to understand her. But she is operating of emotions and feelings. You are never going to get a satisfactory answer about why. You need to let why go. It doesn't matter. What matters are her actions and choices. You are going to be ok. In fact, you most likely will be great. Being in an unhealthy relationship with someone who is unworkable is a horrible way to go through life. A man needs to be fit: physi…
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/24 08:09 AM
15

You don't have to take the early penalty if you pull from your retirement accounts due to divorce. You can use a QDRO and transfer the money (1:1) w/o penalty. However, if that's 401k then it's to _HER_ 401k (if she doesn't have one, one will be created for her). That is she can't spend the money either w/o penalties. It's a 1:1 transfer.
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/24 05:12 PM
3

LOL it's all relative. I meant compared to the other martial arts / martial sports. I've been doing BJJ on and off for 25 years. You have to be smart about it as time goes on. I don't roll with some of the young (spaz) guys anymore for example... Congratulations on brown
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/24 10:47 PM
10

The issue is you are coming for a scarcity mindset. If you believe that _this_ woman is an option, but others are not, you start to make compromises. Instead you need an abundance mindset; she's not 1 in a million, she's 1 of a million. No matter how hot she is, there are always other girls just as hot that are not as crazy mental. Are they rare, yes. Are they hard to find, yes. Are they able to select from multiple men that want them, yes. Do you qualify to be with her, maybe 🤷‍♀️ Point is, do …
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/24 06:00 PM
3

BJJ, judo, boxing, kickboxing, running, swimming, calisthenics, etc. I recommend grappling over striking arts because you can go 100% full out with a very low risk of injury, while with striking, you have to hold back during training.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/24 07:49 AM
6

I've been there too. After I filed, the eX created $30k of new debt. She had to pay all of it back at the final settlement. Just keep a spreadsheet and log of everything, keep your finances separate, and it will work out in the end.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 10:55 AM
1

I'm glad to help. I made all these mistakes and more. I would recommend: "No more Mr Nice guy" by Robert Glover "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad The biggest takeaway is that you have to accept that she her reactions are NOT under your control. Yes, you can predict them, but you do not control them, and you are not responsible for them. For example, I buy her a diamond bracelet, and she's happy. I tell her she's fat and she is upset. I did NOT control her emotio…
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 03:51 AM
2

Need more info. Somewhat state dependent. In most states, you file for divorce, which creates a legal separation of financials. Some states require you to file for separation and then file for divorce. You need to be 100% certain you are not creating new communal assets by investing and not using communal money to invest.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 01:42 PM
9

OK, so I was right there with you 2 years ago. If you hang out here enough, you will notice that there are about a dozen or stories on repeat. The mistake guys like us make is we surrender our power to our wife, then complain about how powerless we are. You have to accept this as step one in taking that power back. You have to develop a 'I don't give a fuck' mindset to her reactions. She uses her reactions to control you. And I hate to tell you this, but you have trained her to behave this way. …
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 12:06 PM
2

As long as he votes correctly, thinks correctly, and Acra correctly; I suspect she will...
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 11:21 AM
5

Same. I remember her talking about her feelings, her needs, and her pain. I asked her to stop, and she kept talking about how my stepmother was acting, etc. I ultimately told her that if she can't support me, then I wish she had just stayed home. That, of course, turned into her playing the victim. However, unlike previously, I meant it, and I stood by that. Fuck her! My Dad is dead, and yes, there is family drama, but you are not the most important person here. I don't think I ever emotionally …
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 11:20 AM
5

The apps are NOT set up for most single men. They are set up to make money (from men, many apps allow women on for free), to boost female self-esteem, hook ups, and fun. Only a small handful of men can benefit from OLD (online dating). If you're a guy in the top 10-20% of desired males, it's a gold mine (again for hook upd and dates). Because 80%+ of the women are all chasing that same small pool of men. If you want to be successful OLD, you need to carefully create your profile and accept its a…
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 09:20 AM
1

Sorry for the drama, but I'm glad you learned the truth early. Keep the positive mindset and keep working on healing. Her life is only going to keep getting worse, while yours will only continue to improve.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/24 01:07 PM
2

Hey man, also in WA, DM me if you want more specifics. Here's a link with a ton of info about divorce in WA. Really helped me: https://www.genesislawfirm.com/divorce-washington-state First, step back and understand that once divorce is on the table, she is no longer your wife. She is tour STBX (soon to be eX). And you need to approach the situation from that POV, not as a husband. UT as a person getting divorced. WA is a community property state, ALL communal assets and debts are to be split 50/…
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/24 01:19 PM
5

IIRC this came out in 2014. It should be a must see to all men in the west. I personally believe that the system is broken.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/24 10:18 AM
4

You have several issues. Below is a cut and paste from a previous message. Remember that the kid is both of yours, and if needed for safety take your child and move out immediately. CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel …
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/24 09:33 AM
1

When I hear things like this, I feel it's trying not to explain but to excuse women's behavior. In fact, this is incredibly childish. Either one forgives and moves on, or if they lack the ability resentment builds until failure. The eX would bring up stuff from 17 years previous. Ultimately, I asked her what her goal was and what the point was. You have brought up these incidents for over 15 years. They can not be changed, what do you want? She said she wanted me to be aware that she was hurt. I…
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/24 06:22 AM
1

The harder you work and the more you have; the more you have to lose 🙃 I don't regret filing. It was 100% the correct choice in my situation. I lost a ton of money, and I own a ton of support. But I am so much better now. The peace is amazing. Divorce was stressful, but on the other side, I have never been more peaceful and stress free. In fact, I actually have more discretionary income now than when married. I'm going to try to pay off the eX early next Spring/Summer and then will be 100% free …
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/24 04:49 AM
6

50/50 custody is a small part of the fundamentally broken system. Current support is based not on need, but the ability to pay. This is why Kevin Coaster has paying $3k/day in child support. A few states still have _LIFE_ long support. No fault divorce means that you can do everything right, have your partner cheat, steal, lie, and cuck you so the kids are not acutally yours. And they are still entitled to the same financials regardless. Looping back to cucking, you can have DNA evidence the kid…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/24 06:24 PM
6

While it is 100% important to choose a good partner, that's not the issue. The system is fundamentally broken, and the stats demonstrate that. Let's say you want to buy a car. But need a loan from the bank. The terms of the loan are that either you or the bank can terminate the loan for any reason at any time. However, if the loan is terminated you still have to make payments to the bank. The bank gets the car, the bank can rent the car out for more money (but not resale it, that would end your …
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/24 06:18 PM
3

Sorry for the pain and drama brother. Document her offloading the kids to you. You want to have records of her neglect at final settlement. This might be too early to hear, but the house is just a place, a thing. And things can be replaced. What matters is the old memories you have and the new memories you will make at your next place. That you have more time with your kids. And as much as this might hurt, it's good that you learn who she is and remove her from your life. You don't want to be wi…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/24 10:00 AM
6

Either works. But I would recommend keeping more of your retirement if able. That money will compound and grow.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/24 09:11 AM
1

Good luck and stay safe. This entire process is horrible. In my case, I filed, opened a new account, had my work directly deposit to the new account, but transferred money into the joint account for communal bills and the STBX. I had moved out. Shortly after I filed she: - maxed out the joint VISA with +$7500 new debt - withdrew $7500 from the joint checking account as a cashiers check - withdrew $20,000 from our personal line of credit (was at zero) - ultimately petitioned the court for tempora…
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 11:16 AM
5

This is only going to escalate. There is a high probability that at some point, you will be accused of being unsafe in the home, assault, abuse, etc. Continue to record everything, call an attorney, and ask what your legal rights are, how to proceed, and file asap. As you already know, you are in a very dangerous position. False accusations are fairly common...
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 11:06 AM
2

Most states do not have lifelong spousal support. Check the laws and what's common for a 15-year marriage. I was in WA, married 12 years. We were considered a mid length marriage. Life long was not possible unless a long-term marriage (> 20-25y). CA it becomes possible after 10 years. The kids are in HS. Only you know how they would possibly be affected by divorce. Keep in mind, it's 2024 so divorce is common (should be 50% of their friends). The social stigma is essentially zero. My parents sep…
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 06:14 AM
1

You do not need to sign the government contract in order to be in a committed, monogamous, loving relationship. Marriage has several real institutions: religious, social, and legal. You can have the ceremony, exchange rings, make the vows, cohabitate, joint accounts, grow old together, etc all without signing the government contract. We have been sold this lie that the ultimate expression of love is to sign the contract. Living together, having children together, taking care of each other, shari…
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 10:20 PM
14

Sorry for the drama. As others have said, your new motto: Not my monkey, not my circus. Just ignore her, and with time, she will eventually go away.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 10:11 PM
2

In most states, once you divorce, you notify your employer, and they will be removed (in my case at the end of the calendar month). They are no longer family or allowed on your plan. If your name is on a loan, you need to refinance the loan. Title can be transferred at the local DMV. If she gets pregnant during the marriage, delivers prior to the divorce, that can get tricky in some states. Some will put the husband as the father regardless of paternity. If separated and she gets pregnant, usual…
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 06:20 PM
1

Your best outcome is mediation. There are several divorce mediation services. Internet search and call a few in your area. You do NOT need attorneys, but can have them if you choose. one of you files for divorce you find a mediation service you both agree upon you each fill out a full financial declaration have mediation to divide everything everything the serive will write it all up so it's legal, submit it to the court, judge signs off. And you're done. Most services are $500-3000. If either p…
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 04:16 PM
1

That's exactly what I did. Had a big house with a bunch of pets (and my brother in law) but no kids. She told me to leave and I left. Once out of the house, I had never been more peaceful and stress free. I got a rental, and I ultimately filed for divorce. Much better than staying in the house and dealing with her crazy every day. The only down side was she put up walls to the sale of the house and dragged that process out. Still was the bear call for me to not be there. Aside, we lived in that …
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 07:36 AM
1

If you are married and put money into your own personal account, that is still a communal asset. It's 50% hers. If you file for divorce, money you make is no longer communal. Do what you choose with it. If you are still married, it's 100% legal for either of you to open a personal account and transfer money to it. The only gotcha is if you do that and then file the next day the other party can (and rightly so) claim you did that to deprive them of a communal asset, so at final settlement part of…
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 07:30 AM
2

Without getting into what is or not legal in your case; you can open a new bank account in your name. She does not have to be on the new account nor notified that you opened it. In general, if you have not yet filed, all communal money is just that, and wither party can move it at any time. If you have filed, then communal funds should not be taken or if they often have to be put back at the final settlement. But you can open a new account without her knowing or telling her. And you can transfer…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/24 12:22 PM
3

If the house is not in either of your names, you are renters. So, there's nothing to worry about there. All communal assets and debts are split 50/50. Make a list of all communal assets, subtract all communal debts, and then divide by two. Thata how much you each get in the end. She she makes significantly more than you. You might qualify for spousal support depending on the length of marriage and your state. You don't necessarily need attorneys if both parties are reasonable. What state, how lo…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/24 12:19 PM
5

Good luck with the next steps of your journey.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/24 12:14 PM
2

In general, if there are kids involved, you should not move out of the house unless you have a court approved parenting plan already in place. If there are no children, grown children, or not safe ok to leave.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/24 11:55 AM
4

It's not about a mask, it's about the system. Being a girlfriend is not the same as being a wife. The system is fundamentally broken, it helps to choose wisely but that doesn't prevent or fix the issues. Let's say you want to buy a car. But need a loan from the bank. The terms of the loan are that either you or the bank can terminate the loan for any reason at any time. However, if the loan is terminated you still have to make payments to the bank. The bank gets the car, the bank can rent the ca…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/24 07:09 AM
4

The plus here is that your child will turn 18 soon, and (most) of this will go away. It's highly unlikely that she will be able to successfully get retroactive support for a non-minor child after waiting several years, making false claims that you have proof of, and violating the divorce decree. It's a last-ditch effort to extort you for money, and as you said, you called her bluff. Sounds like you have pretty much caved to most of her demands, so she likes expected the same this time as well. D…
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/24 05:58 PM
4

A man needs to be: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financially fit. I know it's said a lot but physical fitness comes first. That is working out, but also, sleep, diet, personal hygiene, doctoring appointments, not smoking or drinking, etc. Living a healthy lifestyle. You need a mission. A reason to get out of bed and attack the world each day. People say make money, but why? I mean that literally, what do you want that money will buy for you. Money is a tool, not a means to i…
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/24 12:44 PM
5

Always judge by her actions, not her words. However, remember that she sees you as a walking ATM that unfortunately also has annoying wants and needs that need to (occasionally) be tolerated in order to keep you working. It's not that she has no love for you, it's just not romantic love. Think of your first car. You love that car. You had great trios with it. But now it's old broken, and you need a new one. So you disposal of it. It was a tool. And a useless tool is just that.. useless. A burden…
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/24 10:54 AM
2

If you love in a no-fault state, which is the norm, then all communal assets and debts are to be split 50/50. IF you choose to take less, that's up to you. You are legally entitled to a 50/50 split, and cheating is irrelevant to the final dissolution.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/24 12:04 PM
2

Remember hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is. Nothing pissing a women off more than a man that truly doesn't give a fuck about her. As others posted, her having to buy you out with the refi (money), you living a good life (not miserable), and lack of control results in her acting crazy. Continue to ignore her and eventually she will most likely calm down some, only because she will get tired of putting in the effort, the boys will her as crazy too, a new guy will so up in her life …
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/24 05:36 PM
2

Thx I'll give it a try. I fall asleep, no problem, but I wake up after 4 hours and several times throughout the night.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 04:35 PM
10

Sent you a DM (got an error everytime I tried to cut and paste a long previous message). Here's another cut and paste from a different post. Summary: Divorce has 4 separate parts to work out - Asset/debt division -Spousal support -Child custody / child residency / child support Division of assets / debts: Unless you agree otherwise ALL communal assets AND debts are split 50/50. She has a credit card she never told you about and never used, in theory that's 50% your debt. Same with retirement acc…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 08:48 AM
1

I don't have kids. My parents divorced when I was in 8th grade. My Dad cheated. I was never said, but all evidence made it pretty clear. I never discussed it with him, no one ever talked about it. When I was a adult it was confirmed by other family members, but I already knew. I didn't know or want to know the details, because he was (and still is my hero), he's my Dad. He never lived more than 20-25 mins away, was always in the life of myself and my sister. He ultimately dating the AP (we meant…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 05:07 AM
2

Summary: Divorce has 4 separate parts to work out - Asset/debt division -Spousal support -Child custody / child residency / child support Division of assets / debts: Unless you agree otherwise ALL communal assets AND debts are split 50/50. She has a credit card she never told you about and never used, in theory that's 50% your debt. Same with retirement accounts. The goal is a 50/50 split not that everything is split. Add up all assets, subtract all debts, divide by two. That's what you each get…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 04:58 AM
6

Remove the word guess and lonely from the above. It's 100x times better to be happy, single and safe, than miserable in a dysfunctional marriage. Being in a dysfunctional / unworkable marriage is a horrible experience and state of being. Walking on eggshells, never feeling / being safe, dealing with drama / stress / crazy, trying to coexist with someone that doesn't care about your or your feelings, etc. Divorce is a serious matter, but some relationships simply are not workable, and termination…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 04:32 AM
2

TX often does not award spousal support. But 50% of all communal assets and debts will be split 50/50. Talk to a local attorney to learn how things work in your state and county. Many law firms have online faqs that help and will give you a free 30-60min consult. If you do the consult research as much as you can first, and make a list of questions to ask. They don't need to know or care about your relationship. They just need the facts of your case.
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/24 02:35 PM
1

All communal assets and debts would be split 50/50. You are entitled to spousal support. How much and how long varies from state to state. A quick Google search spit out: https://www.rosen.com/alimony-calculator/ There appear to be no firm rules in NC. Each judge determines the outcome. Looks like the general rule is support for 50% of the length of the marriage. The amount varies. You would need to play with online calculations and talk to a local attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/24 02:32 PM
14

I have always handled my shit and handled it alone. I didn't want to burden others with my stuff. But I also took pride in being able to handle things on my own. I'm strong, I'm tough, I'm in control. Together for 17 years and married 12 years. I was a virgin when we meant my first real relationship and first love. I ultimately filed. When we separated, I had never been more peaceful and stress free. Tried to make it work a few times, but ultimately, it was clear we were not healthy together. Th…
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/24 02:24 PM
6

It sounds like you have self-worth projection issues. Your though process appearance to be: I am not lovable or worthy I wouldn't want to be with me, and I don't love myself Any woman that would be attracted to me must have something defective with her OR not see how broken I am Therefore, no woman or relationship will work The biggest issue is the 2nd one. You are projecting that others see toj as tou see yourself. And that is a false belief. You don't know how others see you, what they want, t…
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/24 08:31 AM
15

Let me add a modification. Consider working towards indifference instead of hate. Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is. Hate is a powerful and binding emotion. The goal is that she's just someone that you use to know. Zero investment. The apathy shall set you free.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/24 08:16 AM
7

CUT & PASTE Open a new bank account only in your name. It will be considered community assets, but that is taken care of at final settlement. Open a new credit card. Make a new Gmail account. Have everything be paperless and sent to the new account. Can also use google docs for free and drive for free. Make an excel sheet of all know expenses, assets and debts. In most states you can freeze all joint accounts (they are joint) prior to filing but not always after. Plan to transfer 50% of all cash…
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/24 03:10 PM
1

LOL - I glanced at some of the replies. Summary - Women are the prize and men need to compete for us by providing. Which is true, when women are younger and dating their equals. However, when women choose to date the guys they 'really want' who have status, title, money, power, fitness, etc the opposite occurs. Men become the prize (they have lots of options) and women need to compete to attract and especially to keep them. And for some reason many modern western women delusionally refuse to ack…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 06:55 AM
2

If you work on being fit you will NOT need to worry about women. There is no shortage of women, they are everywhere. If you are fit they will find you. Most of them are not workable or fit for relationships :) But they will still find you lol. You don't become fit for women though. You do it for yourself, they are (at best) a nice bonus. The more you work on yourself and the more fit you become, the less you actually care about dating, women, their drama, etc. You may have heard the expression "…
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 02:23 AM
4

TBH I couldn't tell the percentage, but the vast majority of women prefer that the man pay. I used a self selection process. That is women self selected out. I would offer date #1 to be a walk, ice cream, run, meet up, or something that was free or they paid for themselves. If they said no, I said ok and moved on. For dates #2-3, I would base it on the individual. If they have a 'good' job and are a modern woman, they can pay for themselves. If they selected not to, I said ok and moved on. If th…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 01:09 PM
2

Women in general are attracted to fit men: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financially fit. Money is only one part of the equation. It means more to some than others. You do not need to have money, but if you don't, you need to balance things off in other areas. It also depends on where you are in life. I have money, I have money but don't spend it on dates. I've been in a monogamous relationship with the current girlfriend for over a year, and we both spend money. But on date…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 10:47 AM
2

In general, women are more focused on feelings. The thing about the internet is that there is always a group that exists to support your feelings. There's a guy Derrick Jaxn that the wife liked to watch. His entire gimmick was telling (mostly Black) women that they are perfect, men suck, their man sucks, buy my book. Of course, he was cheating on his wife and a con artist. But that didn't matter. He gave them a 'legitimate' forum to make them feel better / a certain way. The problem is that so m…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 09:43 AM
7

You have to understand that she is NOT being 100% truthful. Her goal is to terminate, and she needs an acceptable reason for this. Otherwise, she would be the bad guy, and that is not acceptable. She will say anything that makes it appear that her choices are reasonable and acceptable. For example, if you did change your music preferences and genuinely enjoy and join her in her preferred hobbies, she would make up a new excuse. Maybe you're smothering, she doesn't have her own life or a life out…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 06:36 AM
9

Your feelings are 100% normal. The ultimate goal is indifference, but that takes time. Hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 05:55 AM
2

Sorry for the typos, I wrote on the phone late at night (fixed them). Would recommend you get a few more resources: "No more Mr Nice guy" by Robert Glover "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad "Models" by Mark Manson Again, I might be projecting, but your initial question was about finding another partner. And that is NOT how a man should go through life, ie focused on externals. You want to be fit: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentality fit, and financially fit…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 02:59 AM
14

Would recommend "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" by Margalis Fjelstad. Really helped me. In my case, no kids, so I ultimately filed after she pushed things too far (and I woke up too much). Bottoming, Borderline is not a workable person. The best you can do is parallel parent, no co-parent. They will, with 100% pure belief they are in the right, sell you out, make false claims, physically and emotionally attack you, and make life as difficult as possible. They live in a constant st…
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 11:56 AM
2

In most community states, she is entitled to the equity gained during the marriage. Not the full 50/50 split. You need to confirm with a local attorney. She might also qualify for spousal support. You need to know the laws iny or state to determine the best outcome. All communal assets and debts will be split 50/50 if you by default. But you can both agree to anything you want.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 10:47 AM
4

In the end, you are not responsible for nor capable of treating her depression or mental health issues. She is your STBX and tou need to release her. Advise her to get help. Check on her if you choose, but do NOT get involved. It is neither your fault nor under your power to control her. IF she does something after the divorce that is on her, and a failure of her getting the help she needs. Not a failure on your part as 'not her husband.'
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 10:20 AM
1

The courts don't care. They only care about evidence. Her text messages are no evidence. Violation of a court order, a police report, GAL reports etc. Ignore her, it's meaningless. Just follow your parenting plan to the letter. Document if she doesn't, document that you do. The system is fundamentally broken. Anything you do that can show your crazy counts against you, her provoking you means nothing.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 10:16 AM
3

Your focus is completely in the wrong place. You are focused on externals. Finding another partner should never be a criteria when evaluating the termination of your current relationship. For the record, the answer is yes, there are always better partners out there. But that's. Not the point. 50% of your current issues will go forward into your next relationship. You need to step back and figure out why you are making choices that are not in your own best interest. Setting boundaries and enforci…
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 09:41 AM
1

No kids. But I paid $15k/mo in court ordered temporary spousal support during the separation; and in mediation agreed to $315k of spousal support (no credit given) divided over 3.5 years = $7500 per month for 32 months. I'm actually going to pay her off early, Summer 2025, as an early birthday present to myself (10 months early). Once that's done, I'm 100% free. I am going to redirect my focus on investing to set up passive income streams. She walked away with a ton of wealth, but it's short ter…
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/24 01:02 PM
1

God daughter was 10, I did NOT do anything inappropriate. She just made a false claim. I told her if she truly believed that to immediately file a complaint with the police, which she never did.
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/24 03:33 PM
1

I could come back (during the separation) but choose not to. During the actual 6 filed for exclusive use, which was granted. I paid for everything either way / the entire relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/24 01:10 PM
5

Sorry for the drama and crazy. You have to accept (not understand) that her words are meaningless. She is not communicating to explain anything or to exchange knowledge. She checked out of the relationship months, if not years ago, and is just now making it known to you. Her words are only to justify and explain her actions. "She's not a bad person for breaking her vows. We're still married, but I'm dating other men. It's OK because I said so (on a break, separated, your abusive, etc)." It's all…
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/24 10:11 AM
3

took $15k out of joint checking account personal line of credit was $0, she transferred max $20k to her account maxed out joint VISA +$7500 I was paying for everything still on my own. Giving her +$3.5k/mo for personal expenses (this is after she withdrew everything). Filed for temporary support of $13k + I pay all the bills = $20k/mo (ended up at $15k/mo) canceled mediation twice (we have no kids) changed attorney in the middle of the process her discovery requested nearly $4k/mo for gifts, sho…
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/24 06:54 AM
2

If you both have attorneys, then it was sent to the attorney. Just ignore her, contact your attorney, and proceed from there.
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/24 04:13 AM
9

I filed, no cheating, and no regrets. As others mentioned, I didn't file to see what else was out there; I filed because we were never healthy and not workable. 17 years together, 12 years married, no kids. She was never happy, everything was my fault, we fought frequently, constant attacks and name-calling were directed at me, dead bed the last two years, etc. She was manipulative and told me to leave. Took off her ring and said don't come back until my vows mean something. So I left. And once …
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/24 04:02 AM
1

The short answer is no / not yet. The next best move is to write out all communal assets ans debts, add them up, divide by two. And then check for your state for a 5 year marriage about rules for spousal support. She can work, ans ahold be imputed to minimum wage (qorst case) or more. Then sir down with her. Ask her what her preferences are. If she outlines a plan that is reasonable based on your previous research accept it, have it written up, file and get the divorced done. If now then based o…
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 10:13 PM
3

First, sorry for the drama brother . The big question is are you both agreeable to the divorce and able to sit down and work out a fair & just settlement. You did not say but: any kids, does she work, any communal assets or debts. For a short marriage likely small to no spousal support. If she works and makes a out the same likey zero. If no kids also good. Would just need to agree on splitting communal assets and debts. You can sit down and work all this out yourselves, no attorneys. Or go with…
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 03:34 AM
2

In my case, no kids. I filed. I worked, and she didn't. She told me to leave and took her ring off. Once out of the house, I had never been more peaceful and stress free, I ultimately filed. I was still paying for everything and governing her about 3k extra per month. She lawyer-ed up and requested $13k per month in temporary spousal support. This is on top of paying the mortgage and bills. She asked for me to cover her full legal fees. During discovery, she claimed I paid 40% more than I actual…
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 12:10 PM
10

There is nothing more permanent than a temporary order. In my case, no kids, but lots of crazy BS. I finally said fuck it and let's go to trial. The next week, she sat down for mediation after previously canceling twice and changing attorney. If either party is unworkable, no amount of time is going to fix that. Just proceed to trial and get it done.
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/24 03:46 AM
4

The system is fundamentally broken. Congratulations on the divorce finally getting signed off. Parallel parent as able and just work on being the brst version of yourself possible. Sorry for the drama and BS.
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/24 03:43 AM
1

Under no circumstances should you ever violate the TRO! She does not have the power to temporarily suspend it when she feels like it. You need to 100% follow the restrictions to the letter. If she changes her mind, or it's a trap, either the police nor court will not care. The system is fundamentally broken. We have to play by the rules of the system. Learn them and work them as able, but do not cross them. The system is set up to hurt you. Don't help it out by violating the TRO..
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/24 06:14 PM
10

For all of the issues with the eX, she was a very good cook and did 99% of the shopping. When I moved out, I took the grill (burgers and sausage) but was mostly eating take out teriyaki and chips & salsa lol. I suggest you get an airfryer and crockpot. You can make really good wings, chicken breast, etc in the fryer. Youtube has a tone of videos. Just season, cook, and eat. The crockpot requires you to cut up a bunch of stuff, then just throw it in and go to work or bed. Jumbalaya, pulled chicke…
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/24 06:00 PM
3

I'm in that small percentage of men that filed. To the best of my knowledge, no cheating. We were never healthy, and I was simping hard during most of the marriage. She was my first love, I was a virgin when we meant, and I overly committed without properly vetting. We had nothing burger fights all the time. As time went on, I slowly started to withdraw and not react, with 20/20 hindsight this caused her to become mote attacking. We were deadbed the last two years of the marriage. She would only…
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 07:17 PM
1

Sorry for the drama and BS. I sent you a DM with an overview of the process. IF you can both be honest, accountable, and open, then there is no need for attorneys. However, if you could do that, you also most likely wouldn't be getting divorced. If she's refusing to work, then she's most likely going to refuse to be reasonable in negotiating. You want an attorney on the back burner just in case. You can offer mediation, which is the best for everyone as it will save time and money. The problem i…
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 07:02 PM
4

Damn! That one hit hard...
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 12:11 AM
3

I have never been more peaceful and stress free. In my case no kids, I do owe a lot of spousal support for only for 3.5 years (and likely will pay off early Summer 2025). Even though I owe a ton in spousal support, my discretionary income has actually increased. The eX didn't work for most of the marriage, and we lived a God lifestyle. I only pay for myself now, and I just spend a lot less. I rent a 4bd 2.25ba single family home for myself and 1 cat ( I had 2, but one passed). It's gross overkil…
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/24 05:04 PM
10

TLDR: we were unhealthy, and she was unworkable. I couldn't help her, and she wasn't going to change. I decided to stop harming myself and stop making choices against my own best self interests. In my case, together 17 years, married 12 years, no kids, I was a virgin when we meant. It was my first serious relationship, and I had almost zero dating experience. I jumped in way too early, too soon and too much. Little red flags popped up, but I would just hamster wheel them away. She complained abo…
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/24 10:44 PM
3

Let me counter this with commitment needs to be earned and healthy. I started smoking crack, but then switched to meth, and now heroin; is that bcause I lack commitment? Some relationships are unhealthy. And far from being, we can quit anytime we want, many of us work at it for years before we even consider termination. We don't know the OP situation. He might be reacting to temporary emotional feelings, but he also might be in a toxic, unhealthy relationship. Sometimes the healthy and loving ac…
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/24 10:23 PM
34

Marriage has several different institutions including: social, religious, and legal. I believe in and support the social. Have the ceremony, wear the dress, make the vows in front of friends and family, exchange rings, etc. I support the religious. Make a convenient before god, have the ceremony, honor the traditions. But I will NEVER sign the legal document again. Because the legal document is NOT a contract between me and my wife. It is a contract between myself and the state. The legal contra…
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 09:32 PM
1

Remember that all communal debt is split 50/50, so don't pay communal debt down before the divorce. As for hiding money, look real world talk: the system is the system, and it is fundamentally broken. You are not going to beat the system, your attorney is not going to beat the system, the judge, congress, etc. Multimillionaire and billionaires can't beat the system. Draw down some cash and put it aside, prior to filling that is 100% legal. Open a new bank account, and the day before you file, st…
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 09:41 AM
4

Sorry for the drama and BS brother. He's the bottom line. She cheated, and she no longer deserves your respect or consideration. 50% or all communal assets and debts are normally split 50/50. She might also owe you spousal support. With that said, in a 2 year marriage, a clean break with some temporary support is not unreasonable. Just so not make any choices against your own best self interests. Things suck right now, and this might be hard to hear, but in the long run, it's good that she will …
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 08:55 AM
2

Exactly, the numbers vary based on how you compile the data. Bottom line, the general rule of thumb holds: 50% of marriages end in divorce; women file 70-80% of the time; 25-50% of marriages are happy. The odds of you having a happy and successful marriage are approximately 25% or less. We can massage the numbers plus of minus a few points, but it doesn't change the general stats. In my case, together 17 years, married 12 years, I filed for divorce. I will never marry again because it makes no l…
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/24 06:37 AM
1

That sounds very similar to my situation. Divorced in WA. Together 17 years, married 12 years, I worked, she didn't. I offered an uncontested divorce, 50/50 split of all assets & debts, she could keep all the furniture, the jewelry, and gifts. And I would owe her 4 years of spousal support, and ask her to name an amount (we could negotiatefrom there). I told her this is the best deal she can get because it's 100% legal. We can go to a mediation service that she picks. I'll pay the fee. She can t…
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/24 02:55 AM
3

Partly true, that would include never married people as well :) The stats that we care about are: of people that marry how many end in divorce, of people that marry and do not divorce how many are happy marriages. There is a study comparing the happiness index (always difficult to accurately measure) between married men vs unmarried men. BUT they often include divorced men in the unmarried group. Lurking variables like these make the dataset tricky to understand. Bottom line about 45% of first m…
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/24 01:37 PM
7

Are you in Canada? Either way, if no children, then focus on being fit: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financially fit. Learn the laws in your state or provence and give her the divorce she wants. Continue to grey rock. Ultimately, your lofe will be better without her..
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/24 09:23 AM
9

The 50% is ALL divorces. That includes 2nd and 3rd marriages. It's also the national average, there is local variations that are higher and lower. I got bored one day and plotted it out on both sides of my family. My maternal grandmother married x3 (divorced twice), and one maternal aunt divorced x3. We are right at the 50% mark among those who chose to marry. There is also an age variation. No surprise more new marriages fail then older ones.
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/24 09:20 AM
6

The system is fundamentally broken, but it is the system. You should ask for that which is tour legal right, and then if you choose to accept less YOU have the option. Taking the higher ground is good in theory, but often silly in practice. In my case, I worked and the eX did not. I accepted that I would have to pay spousal support, and I do. She had the right to wave it, but I didn't expect her too. Why would she, the system allows for it and it would be to her own person detriment to do so. We…
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/24 05:39 AM
3

I remember you talking about this in a different post. The kids are 50/50 and all martial assets & debts are 50/50, that's the system. She will also likley owe you spousal and child support. Do NOT just roll over on this. The system is fundamentally broken, but it is the system. Didn't She also change her job, emptied her 401k, created an LLC which she won't share the info about??? She's trying to use the kids as a bargaining tool to hide money. You will get 50/50 anyway (again iirc you were in …
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/24 07:39 AM
1

Exactly! Cooperative means you both look at the law, accept the system, divide things 50/50, and work out a good co-parently plan. She's going from we are friends to the nuclear option. As soon as you bring up money. She wants the divorce, she mkwa more money, she had a larger retirement account, she picked an attorney, she says let's play nice but threatens total war when you ask about your legal rights to a joint assest. Sorry to tell you this, but she is manipulating the situation to her favo…
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/24 11:24 AM
1

People are making this more complicated than need me. Bottom line, you can not control her. UT it's perfectly reasonable to make your preferences known. She's going to be disrespectful because she can. Ultimately, all you can do is make your preferences known, then ignore what her. It sucks, but it is what it is.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 07:07 AM
10

Not whom she associates with, but whom she brings to his house. And depending on their terms, whom the children interact with.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 10:02 PM
5

Just be 100% protective to prevent pregnancy! Many other men have found themselves in the exact same position, she gets pregnant, then proceeds with divorce with the 18 year support plan.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/24 05:51 PM
1

It's over all a blast. Would also consider doing a solo cruise. All the food is included, stops at cool destinations, and lots of activities on board. You can find cheap ones on the 90 day ticker (empty rooms that sail in the next 90d) at great prices on vacations2go.com I also like going to semi remote cabins and lodges. Places where there is nothing to do but hike, run, chill. Last would be to go to a destination to take some lessons: surfing, paragliding, motorcycle, offroad dirt bike, etc. T…
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 12:56 PM
1

Two years post divorce. During the process, we went to Singapore x1 and Thialand x2. Since the divorce, I have been traveling a lot. The real question is, what is the goal of the trip? Have fun, adventure, rest, recharge, escape, partying, etc. I don't party, go to the club, do drugs, etc. I never take a trip to meet women (they are everywhere) but if something happened by accident, I was not opposed to it. Just think about what you want then go explore. Personally I like Thailand. Flights are s…
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/24 12:17 PM
2

Hey man, sorry for the drama. You must talk to a local attorney. I make about $450-500k and your goal is to have your imputed income be as low as possible. You must get the assistance of a divorce specialist in your area to do this. In a perfect world, you then go to mediation and work out the details. My only real advise is to not sweat the smaller details. IF you are both reasonable people, just get it done. If either of you are not reasonable, this turns into a shit show really fast, and you …
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/24 12:09 PM
1

Love is more a series of choices and actions than a feeling. Love requires discipline and directed effort. I think of this as a work analogy. At work, we demonstrate and choose professionalism. That means we don't lose or temper with the boss or with a difficult customer. We show up on time. We shower and dress. We do our assignments on time. We make sure the work is done well even when we don't feel like doing it. You need to bring that same mindset and professionalism to love. You need to cont…
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/24 10:03 AM
3

Thx for the advise. I have looked at the numbers and heard the arguments. And I do not disagree with you. The issue is my last payment is due May 2026 and I'm thinking of paying her off August 2025, so only 9 Mos early. I believe that the economy is not going to get better any time soon, but a fair amount of my capital is tied up paying for her. I have to work extra shifts, maintain a budget with her in mind, and if I travel make sure I saved extra to pay her. Psychologically I want it done. I w…
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/24 09:14 AM
5

We don't know your story or situation, but if you hang out here long enough, you see the same dozen or so stories or repeat. Of course she doesn't want to do anything. Others are doing everything for her. Of course she doesn't have a real reason, because the reason is she's unhappy. And she has decided that her happiness is NOT under her control, it's the result of externals. If she's not happy, then there's an external reason for it. These reasons are not under her control. If what she needed t…
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/24 04:29 AM
4

Agreed. WA state. The general rule for mid-length marriages here is 1 year of support for every 3-4 years of marriage. 12 years so she got the middle length. No kids so no child support. I'm going to try to pay her off early symmet 2025, and then I'm 100% free; and then can start investing in passive come streams to set up retirement again
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/24 03:01 AM
7

There are two questions here. How did the actually divorce itself cost, and how much did you lose as a result of the divorce. In my case, together 17 years, married 12 years, no kids, I worked, she didn't. I will skip the details, but I ultimately filed. I spent about $20-25k on attorney's fees, home prep, etc she spent $50-60k. But, we also had to sell the house. Agai, I'll skip the detail, but she got a 55/45 split her favor on that. So that cost me another $40k or so. She refused to discuss s…
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/24 02:32 AM
10

Just to throw my two cents in, no kids, 17 years together, and 2 years out. I have never been more peaceful, stress free, relaxed, or healthy than post divorce. Escaping an unhealthy and dysfunctional marriage has been the best choice I have ever made in my adult life. I have a new girlfriend, maybe that lasts maybe it doesn't, but I am 100% fine being alone. There is so much life to explore and enjoy. Women are good, but they are not the primary reason for my existence. I am focused on living m…
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/24 08:34 AM
1

Exactly! Many people need that support and message. And they haven't heard it before. Same with Jorden Peterson. No one said you need them, or that their message was unique. Just that many men have never heard it anywhere else. Glad you have the support network to help you, as you've likely read on this forum, many men do not. Hell, the reason this forum exists is to help me. There's a reason "No more mr nice guy" gets recommended so often :) No one claims exclusive knowledge, but for a lot of p…
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/24 07:15 AM
10

Aside - Goggins is exactly what he says he is, he's pretty transparent about his life and his fuck ups (ie failed marriages, kids, etc). And he's also honest that he's compensating for his horrible childhood and fucked up life. He's a great man doing great things, but he is far from perfect (and never claims to be). Some of his supports want to raise him up higher than he is I agree. Something about humans wanted people to be perfect in order to follow them. Goggins has some great life advise ab…
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 10:36 PM
14

Welcome Brother, sorry for the drama. Unfortunately your story is not that uncommon. If you hang out here for a while you will see that there are basically about a dozen stories on repeat. This is a great place to vent, and get some helpful advise. But mostly it's a good place to see that life does continue after divorce and that life can be great. Work on being fit: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financially fit. In the end, it's all going to be ok. Sucks that there are kids…
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 10:29 PM
3

I'm my case together 17 years (12 married) no kids. To the best of my knowledge, no infidelity. The issue was that we were never healthy. I was a virgin with no experience when we meant. She had abuse issues from childhood. Everything that was wrong was my fault, and in the beginning, I believed her. I was in love and wanted to do better. I worked my ass off and fixed essentially everything that she claimed was a problem. But we never got better because new problems just replaced the old one. No…
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 09:36 AM
8

As others have said, use the info for leverage (if any), and if you feel you must disclose after final settlement. Divorce is a horrible process, and you want to get it completed as quickly and peacefully as possible. Yes, it's not fair, and yes, it sucks, but that's the reality. Similarly, if she's in an affair fog. Use that to get things ton quickly and more fairly.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 09:08 AM
6

There is no place with perfect women. But the percentages of fit women do vary with geography. The entire Western world has issues. I would guess that maybe 4-8% of women in the USA are fit for an LTR. In Thailand, that might be 20-25%. The majority are still not fit, but the nunbers are much better. You still need to vet and use good judgment. The real question is, what are you looking for. If you just want a woman for companionship, fun, travel, and sex. There are a ton of women in the USA who…
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 02:15 AM
3

I don't think there is one primary reason either. It is a host of several issues that have slowly accumulated over the last decades that have brought us to today. I used no fault as an example of a small piece of that problem. I should have said the system is fundamentally broken and left it at that. And I do believe this is a system and culture issue. It's not that 'women are bad' it's that we have a system that encourages, rewards, and excuses bad behavior.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/24 03:58 AM
4

Again, we are 100% in agreement. Marriage has several different institutions: social, religious, ans legal. Insupport long term monogamous relationships. If you want to have the celebration before friends and family, make vows, exchange rings; that's great. If you want to have a ceremony in the church and make a pledge before god, support traditions; that too is great. But never sign the legal contract with the government. It's not a contract between you and your wife, but you and the government…
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/24 03:03 PM
2

I am NOT claiming that a shadow cabal was to blame lol :) I am stating that several small systems have been out in place over se real years, but several different people, that have brought us to our current end result. As you state, the end result was a system that has been created (and reinforced and expanded) that favors one gender over another. I simply hold that the system is clear to see, and when that same broken system is expanded in it is done with purpose. To be fair, I think most polic…
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/24 01:44 PM
4

Yes and no. I am speaking about the system and population data. You can not apply population data to an individual nor extrapolate individual data. So yes, there have been and will always be exceptions, but exceptions do not invalidate the general trend. Nor do they counter the goal of the system. For example, women initiate 80% of divorces. But men also initiate divorce (I fact in my case I filed). However, that does not mean that there is not a gender difference in divorce stats. Until recentl…
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/24 01:40 PM
20

You are working from a broken assumption. The spirit of the law and the purpose of the law is to transfer wealth from the man to the woman, and the system is working as designed. As point out, the harder you work and the more responsibility you are, the worse you are punished for it. The more irresponsible she is, the more she is rewarded. This is by design. The goal is to excuse women from responsibility and fault. When no fault divorce was being debated, people argued that men would abandon th…
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/24 06:43 AM
2

There is no reason to involve the government in your love life. Marriage has several institutions: social, religious, and legal. If you choose to have the ceremony, exchange rings, make the vows, etc. That's great. If you have the ceremony in a church, have family gather, and make a pledge before your god/s; that's also fine. But under no circumstances should you sign the contract with the governor. It's not a contract between you and your wife, but between you and the government. It is a prenup…
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 01:21 PM
11

You didn't say if you two have kids. One of you needs to move out of the master, and unto a separate bedroom. Get a camera in whatever room you end up in. Understand that the Duluth model is standard in most of the country. So no matter what happens or what's on tape, if the police show up, they are removing you! She doesn't need proof to get a DVPO, just to file the claim and while you will ultimately be cleared (the vast majority of the time) its still a huge hassle, removes you from the home …
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/24 05:09 AM
5

The first step is to accept that women are mostly motivated by their feelings, not logic or reason. As such, trying to use logic or reason to understand their actions is a fools errand. As much as possible, just try to grey rock and ignore her. Keep the process moving and do not engage. The goal is indifference...
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 03:05 AM
1

Taking responsibility for our own actions is of course correct. How we influenced her however, is not really the issue. Let's say that you did 'everything right.' You were supportive, helpful, loving, caring, listened, helped with the chores, took care of her emotional/physical/sexual needs, etc. You were the perfect husband. BUT then she cheats on you at work. Did you actions and choices 'influence' her?? Maybe, but it doesn't matter. Because she's a free individual. We are not claiming to be p…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 11:11 PM
3

Bali and Phuket if you want to go overseas. NOT for sex tourism, just great weather, great people, great food, beaches, etc. It's clean safe, and while a long flight very inexpensive once you arrive. I love Phuket because I do BJJ and there are a ton of schools there (also MT kickboxing). I rent a scooter, bike around, train, workout, get massages nearly daily, and enjoy the food. I do NOT date or use the P2P services. In the USA check out Moeb is you want something more outdoors or adventure ba…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 11:02 PM
4

It's because she's not working based on logic or reason, but feelings. I know this is hard, and it sucks, but you need to move towards indifference. What she does and why she does it needs to no longer be your concern. You will never figure out or understand the why.in my case, the eX told me I was abusive the entire 17 years, we have zero happy memories, everything was my fault, and I never really loved her. Yet if I asked why she would want to be with such a horrible person she would say becau…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 10:51 AM
4

When a woman says she wants a divorce, believe her. It's over. Everything else she does is to save face, project strength and happiness, attack you, or promote some other agenda. Do NOT try to use logic or reason to figure out what she is doing or why. It's a fools errand. Just accept that it's over, prepare as best as possible, and start building a new and better life. Sorry for the drama brother...
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 09:29 AM
1

I take ZERO responsibility for the eX's action. She is a free individual, and her choices are her own. I do not control her. In order to take responsibility for something, you have to have authority over it. I had zero authority over her. Again, she's a free individual. In my case, no cheating to the best of my knowledge, and I filed. Let me be clear, IF I had a drinking problem, yelled, worked late, was banging a coworker, a lair, and crashed the car; that still had NOTHING to do with being res…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 09:18 AM
3

In my case, she used to threaten a lot. It was a control and manipulation tactic. But I have come to believe she had no real desire to follow through. It was just a way to manipulate me. I actually ended up filing. And I only brought up divorce once, and that was when I said we should terminate. With 20/20 hindsight, I wish the first time she brought it up; I simply responded with 'your terms are acceptable' and called her bluff.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 05:30 AM
5

Control is interesting. You don't have any control over your wife, and while you do have some control of the kid that's ending soon. You ALWAYS have control of yourself. A lot of guys (myself included) made horrible choices that were not in our own self-interest, then claim we are not in control or powerless. When, in fact, we gave up our power and then complain about it. A man needs to be fit: physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit, and financially fit. You are going to hear this a lot, …
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 01:29 PM
14

The next move is a false allegation of abuse. She does not have to show previous abuse, only make the claim, and that she feels unsafe. Then, get a DVPO against you to get you out of the house. The resulting investigation will clear you, but you're out of the house. It established her as primary for the child, so that's a potential win-win / added bonus. Get a lock on the door of your room, record and save all contact. Talk to your attorney. Not all women do this, it's actually rare. But those t…
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 08:09 AM
12

This a loaded and unfair question. Marriage has multiple outcomes: divorce vs non-divorced. And the non-divorced is split into happy vs unhappy. Only a small percentages of marriages end in the non-divorced + happy camp. 50% fail, and about another 50% are unhappy. So you have about a 25% change on things working out. While the odds are poor, the cost for failure is incredibly high! Not just the financial costs but the emotional, mental, lost of time with kids, lost investment, etc. The next que…
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 05:40 AM
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