How do you even start this

OkEmphasis5923 · 2025-02-06T23:40:40+00:00

Al-anon. You are a classic case.

RespectInevitable479 · 2025-02-02T20:33:10+00:00

Don’t let her rope you into her path to destruction. Once the divorce his finalized enjoy your retirement her kids are young and stronger and will help her

ExaminationKlutzy194 · 2025-02-02T11:26:10+00:00

I second the advice to seek out a few Al-alon meetings if your decision is to stay and your wife works on her sobriety in AA.

If she is not willing to do that, then you have to take care of yourself.

Good men are, I believe, largely wired to look out for women, particularly our spouse, even if it’s to our disadvantage.

But it does not mean that we have to do everything to make sure that a woman/spouse never feels discomfort or the consequences of their actions or choices.

It’s hard to understand and get used to that when you have been with someone so long. But you are not responsible for the pain she causes herself.

I can understand the concern for safety. But at some point, she has to figure that out on her own.

Gattsama · 2025-02-01T06:13:46+00:00

Need way more information, but it sounds like you are in the caretaker role. Addicts don't get better from externals it has to come from an internal drive. We can help support them, but we can not fix them.

You are only responsible if you have authority. Without authority over someone or something, you can not be responsible for it. And you most certainly do not have authority over your wife. Therefore, she is not your responsibility. You do not control her, and you can not control her.

The obligation you feel is from: love, commitment, honor, morals, religion, etc. Try to find a support group for the family of addicts. Odds are high you will find your story is actually very common, and the future outcomes have already happened for others.

It sucks, but you can't save her. All you can do is be there to support her IF she chooses to get better. And if she can not or will not make that choice, then there's nothing you can do except protect yourself.

Maybe that means divorce, or separation, or moving it out separate rooms, etc. That's up to you. Seek some help and support for yourself, then decide what lofe you want to live going forward.

Be safe out there...

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2025-02-01T02:46:57+00:00

Have you ever gone to an al-anon meeting?

Also, learn about co-dependency and caretaking behavior. You may find it familiar.

I’ll end with - the only thing you can control are your thoughts and actions. Everything else is out of your control. What she does or doesn’t did is not your concern.

Analisandopessoas · 2025-02-01T01:27:09+00:00

It's difficult to give advice. You know what's best for you: divorce and move on with your life. But you're going to spend your life taking care of your wife, I think it's unfair.

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2025-02-01T01:22:30+00:00

Has she done in-patient treatment?

KingGeneralMaster · 2025-02-01T00:58:20+00:00

Sorry for having to go through this.
I don't think that you can spend the rest of your life caring for a careless person, but if you have to make a choice then choose your wellbeing.

Good luck

iSurvivedltd · 2025-02-01T00:42:15+00:00

You are not her parent. Best believe if the tables were turned, she wouldn’t hesitate to leave you.

Title	How do you even start this
Author	cammaduro67
Upvotes	8
Comments	9
Date	February 1, 2025 12:34 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ieu0of/how_do_you_even_start_this/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-you-even-start-this.1542647 https://theredarchive.com/post/1542647

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