So I know not uncommon, so more of a vent post. I'll skip all the drama but bottom line I filed after 17 years of drama, emotional & mental abuse, and her telling me to leave & taking off her ring Oct 2021. Had never been more peaceful and stress free after leaving. Was sleeping like a rock. Filed in Feb and my sleep got all messed up. Was waking up after 4hrs (didn't matter what I did, 4 hrs was all I got).

Lately sleep has been way better. But today had a dream with her in it. More erotic than sexual. It was clear she wanted me, was tempting me and I felt like I wanted to give in. Woke up and realized that do want physical intimacy. Maybe even from her, but 100% not going to look for it there.

I have never been in a healthy romantic relationship. I really just want to cuddle naked in bed with a women, feel the warmth, and just hold each other. I think part of my sleep problems is / was denying and suppressing this. Because I have avoided women since I filed. First because I'm still married, and second I don't trust that any women truly wants to be with me (working on that false belief). I know on paper and intellectually they do, but my heart & feelings are worried about them being a user (and some left over blue pill I don't want to be a user either thoughts/feelings).

Think I might need to just go out there, be 100% honest (not looking for relationship) and find someone as a temporary 🤔 I never dated much, was a virgin when we meant and have no real experience. Lots of women flirt with me, but I have zero desire to deal with any female drama or BS right now. And I'm still stuck in my old thoughts enough that to just 'use' a women for physical intimacy or sex is 'wrong.'

Oh well, wanted to share and hear some thoughts.