Long intro and venting

So not really expecting many replies or new info, I kind of know the score, but just wanted to write a long intro story to vent, release and hear people confirm that I need to never go back / get divorced. So all from my POV but whatever...

So 47y/o in greater Seattle area. STBX is 43y/o. No kids. Together 17yrs and married 12yrs. I never really dated much, no serious relationships at all. rarely even kissed a girl or held hands, and was a virgin when we meant. I was in school forever, and normally just avoided dating as it was to big a distraction from studying. But I would go through these periods were I would want female connection, so I would go on like 2-5 dates, they would be so-so to poor; get it out my system and carry on.

I had just finished my PhD and had a couple years left on my MD, but was between courses when I got hit really bad with the 'want a female' feeling. This is about 2005. So I go on a few dates, they are not as horrible as normal, but still not really exciting (with 20/20 hind sight, I can see that at that stage of my training a MD/PhD student was a huge catch so women were acting different).

One of my female platonic friends suggested I make an online profile. So did that. We started talking on yahoo personals and it was amazing. We clicked on so many areas, wrote super long messages, agreed on so many points. Etc. So I never dated much, no experience, virgin, etc. So I never asked for nudes, or suggested with hook up. And it turns out she has abuse issues from childhood (I didn't know that yet) so I seemed like the guy that was super into her for her, and not chasing sex.

She had a trip to Europe planned already, we did the email thing (which back then required her to go to an internet cafe, no smart phones). So like ~2mo go buy, she gets back and we meet. I spare all the BS at the beginning but some highlights:

-I didn't pay for the first meal, we split the check. This shows I wasn't really into her, because a man that's into a woman pays for the first date. -I'm a private pilot. After lunch I really wanted the date to continue, aviation is important to me and super cool so I ask if she wants to go flying. I'm still a student so this is expensive. After the flight (which was amazing) she offered to pay 1/2, I accepted. Later she tells me she was again disappointed and assumed I wasn't into her because I accepted, I should have been 'no I suggested this, I've got it.'
-3rd date went Salsa dancing (I was taking lessons). I still hadn't made any physical move, so at the car she jumped me, starting french kissing and I freaked out, backed up and pushed her back. She got in the car and drove off crying. I felt like a total dick... I called her and apologized, she again felt like I was rejecting her (and years later now says I assaulted her and she drove off in fear that I was going to beat her up).

Anyway, we keep seeing each other. I keep getting at that time soft messages that I'm not doing the best job. Ultimately I break up with her, but it's on valentines day. Insults are exchanged. She later calls me and we meet up, reconcile and go back to me failing to meet her needs / expectations. I didn't want to meet her family at thanksgiving (just didn't feel ready), I didn't tell my family I was dating, I never gave thoughtful gifts, etc.

So I had no experience, and basically thought everything she was saying made sense. I am doing it wrong, I am f&cking it up, I have no idea what I'm doing. So I get really withdrawn and shut down. She notices and tries to mess around with me. I eventually feel better, and we start getting more physical. I was so excited again, because I have never really 'made out' regularly with a women (yeah, do the math I was about 30y/o then lol). So when the time comes to have sex I do NOT tell her I'm a virgin, was afraid, embarrassed, ashamed, etc. Anyway, I am not sure how things are suppose to feel, but it was just a thing. Took a long time and a lot of work for me to cum (with hind sight likely because I was scared). She took this as a sign I wasn't into her, and asked about it. I straight up lied and said, I had been intimate with girl in college but only BJ/HJ. She asked did I cum with them, I said yes. So things kind of went like that. I was having fun sexually, but didn't always cum, she did thou and a lot.

As the end of medical school got closer I have to 'match' for residency (basically you don't really have control of where you go, you make a preference list, the programs make a list, and then you get matched up). So she knows this is coming, and I never address it. Because I'm trying to figure out what to do, I don't feel comfortable asking her to drop her life and follow me to unknown parts, and I don't want to terminate the relationship either. Ultimately she addresses it and says we can't do long distance (she isn't wired for it) but will follow me anywhere. Ultimately I get placed in NC.

So lots of drama to this point, but its all pretty much crap from here. She got this really crappy (and dangerous) job in NC. I ultimately told her to quit for her safety, and to cheer her up arranged to take her on a cruise (one of her dreams). She was so excited, but on the last day got really depressed, at the time didn't know why. Later learn it's because she thought I was going to propose. And when I didn't she realized she was going to be my live in g/f with no job, which she didn't want to be (but got over).

So I'm working a ton (60-120hrs/wk), I'm not meeting her needs, etc. I ultimately do propose. And short after come clean about being a virgin. She's tell hurt and angry, talks about how she broke her body on me. I again feel like a jerk and promise to do anything to make it up to her. We now basically fight all the time, every conversation is about how I'm failing. Which I accept because I have no experience, I did lie, and I am working gone all the time. All this time / relationship stuff, I'm not studying and fail one of my board exams (we take a break from fighting so I can pass, then right back at it).

While this is going on, women are now flirting with me anytime we go out. I have always been into the martial arts, so I was / am pretty cut, and now she's taking care of my wardrobe so I don't look like an IT tech :) Once again, I am not protecting the relationship or making her feel safe, because I am 'encouraging' women to flirt with me (that is not shutting them down, and making them stop). So I just act like a boring / disinterested board anytime women are around (doesn't help).

So now nearly all interactions are about how the relationship isn't working. And that is 100% my fault, she's a rock start women, and I look good on paper. But no one would stay with me expect retards and gold diggers, if I was on the market someone would grab me up and heart me, but she wants to protect me from that. She's good and loves me, and we can be great if only I fix all my stuff. [Aside the over all recurring point in the relationship with become, her feeling that the entire relationship is about me. Not about my wants / needs, but about the problem that is me. And this means there is no space for her to deal with her issues, because all of her energy is directed towards fixing me, to fix us, and once I'm good we can be great].

So while this is going down, que another resident getting super flirty with me and telling me how great I am. I ultimately fold and start texting her for emotional support (cause I was being super weak). Fiance finds messages, calls off wedding (to me, not the actually providers) moves into guest room. I once again feel like crap, promise to do anything that's needed.

During this process she says "I am no in love with you." I respond "I already know." For some reason this actually patches us up, and we proceed to get married. So I can look back at that and see I was just an idiot (might as well ownership).

I'll summaries the past 12 years of marriage: -My communication is horrible.
-I don't listen (by this she doesn't mean hear, she means I am disobedient. As in I told the dog not to get on the sofa, but he doesn't listen). She tells me her needs but I do not do them, or do not do them correctly -She was abused as a child, and I sometimes get loud or yell when we are fighting. This makes her want to die and wishes she wasn't alive. It is me being abuse to her and toxic to the relationship. -Everything that is wrong in the relationship is my fault. When pressed what role she plays she basically states: she loves to hard, is to committed, chooses me and to stay in this abusive / toxic relationship; which is destroying her self esteem -I am a great provider / domestic (money, travel, care for animals, etc) but emotionally she has nothing. She didn't sign up for travel or money, but for emotional connection. -she has chronic pain / fibromyalgia. I work nights but every night I am not working (and sometimes I drive home and back while working) I give her a 45min+ full body massage. Per her, I do not do this for love. But because I want her to keep working. When we argue it causes her physical pain / makes the pain worst. So it's a band-aid I put on to keep her / trap her -she frequently calls me names and uses pejorative language. BUT that's also 100% my fault. That's not who she is, it's just a response / defense to my attacking her -We stopped having sex Aug 2019. Short version I insulted her by saying she was laying there like a dead fish. It's ok to call names OUTSIDE of the bedroom, but the bedroom should be a sacred space and I ruined that, so she doesn't feel safe any more. She stops showing / being naked around me as well (but doesn't stop the night massages). This happened while on a trip, so when we get back she is just acting like a zombie, walking super slow, takes 15 mins to go up the stairs. I am drawing a bath for her (helps with pain) leave the room and come back and she is lying on the floor crying, saying she can't get up -I see that s&it is out of control and move out for ~5days (left her on the floor). But we reconcile and agree to see a counselor.
-At first things seem like the might be better, BUT she drops out of counseling, after all all the problems are with me. I need the help. Again the recurring message is if we can just fix the problem that is me, everything else will be fine, because she is committed to love; and only acts up in response to my poor behavior. I drop out of counseling about two months later.

This goes on, with some back and forth, pluses and minus until the present. I know I am painting a certain picture above :) and I know my audience (for any one still reading). She is a good person, we do have good times. She has exposed me to things I would have never done on my own. And pushed / encouraged me to dream bigger. I am a better man because I have know her, and when things are clicking; they are good.

But the OVERALL tone is as above. We have (her words) an abusive, toxic relationship. I do not love her, I do not care about her feelings, I do not listen, I do not meet her needs, I am selfish, she has nothing (emotionally), she is not safe, the yelling is better but needs to be zero. She wants to respect me and take care of me / my needs but can't because then she would be a door mat; because I don't respect her or take care of her needs. If I want a different life, I need to start taking care of her needs and then she can be free to take care of me / us. Etc. etc.

So about two weeks ago we have a nothing fight. We are both in bed streaming different shows. I say the green lantern motto (still a nerd) so doesn't hear me because of headphones but knows I said a poem like statement and asks "what crazy are you talking over there." I get super annoyed (because name calling gets to me like that). Eventually I'm getting loud / yelling, and she says that's it. She can't take it anymore, she can't do this relationship and I need to leave. Several more hours later and I agree.

So now we are separated. We've talked about this several times in the past. A few months back we talked about a trial separation just to cool off and she said "I worry that if you move out things will be so peaceful and I would be so happy, that I wouldn't want you to come back. And I want you, I want us to work."

Well I have no idea what her goal was, but man did that backfire. I have never been more peaceful these last two weeks. I can look back and see mistakes I made, but I now have zero guilt around them. She knew all this about me prior to marring me, so she went in planing for me to change, and I do not think I should have any guilt about her choosing me, if she knew what she was getting when she signed up. And as for stuff after we were married, I haven't done anything terrible (no lies, texting, etc) I learned wasn't worth it.

She is already going on about how we need work this out, and even suggested I move into the guest room. To which I flatly told her no. We are talking, but now I can see how much projection and toxicity is from her. I told her that she told me to leave (I didn't do it on my own this time). And the only way I will come back is if we work out our communication issues, are meeting each others core needs, and can find a path to release all past hurts.

I am still not 100% committed to termination, but the writing is on the wall. I don't see what I would be going back to expect drama and pain. For both of us. I am no longer buying the BS that everything is wrong because of me, and if I change she can change and things will be better. I shouldn't yell or get loud (two different things, but neither is acceptable to her). But I do not meet her emotional needs, and I have never meant her emotional needs.

I am now hearing her in a different light. Everything she says now doesn't upset me (well like 99% of the time). I just choose to accept it as the truth, and it makes it more clear we shouldn't be together. I know she doesn't know that is what's happening. We are talking, but it quickly turns into a lecture about how crappy her life is and how much I have failed to meet her needs. I use to react in call kinds of ways, interrupt her, explain my position, talk about how she doesn't meet me needs, defend myself, argue, etc.

Now I just sit quietly, listen w/o interruption and validate any statement she makes. "You never make me a priority." Thank your letting me know how you feel. I am sorry I communicate that to you. You are right, I haven't made you a priority, and I'll look into why that is to see if I can make things different in the future.

She's telling me she's confused as to why I am now 'hearing her' and 'understanding' her. I'm getting more and more emotionally divorced from the relationship. But still not 100% there. I know I lack objectivity so do not want to make any major decisions until new years. We have a non-refundable trip already plan / paid for from 1/1~1/9 which we are going to go on. Most people are telling me now to go, but it's ok. I want to. I want to be in complete control of myself and my emotions, do the trip and see how she acts. Then unless there's some miracle talk about termination after that.

We have no kids, and our finances are pretty simple. I am hoping for no lawyers, and a binding mediation. I am happy to provide my financial support for a few years (this was never an issue in the relationship, and again she praises me for all the domestic stuff).

So still skipped a lot, it was one sided. I try to throw in a few of my bigger f&ck ups. But there's the summary of where I am now. In an airbnb for the next month (need to secure some longer term housing), deprogramming myself. Making hard limits for myself. Listening to her talk about reconciliation but mostly just listening with a new open mind to her still continue to talk about past hurts, how much of a jerk I have been, how she has nothing, etc. Also I work a ton at the house, so now she is there doing almost everything her self and it's 'too much.' So looking to hire someone to come bu and help out. Stay at home house wife, no kids, no job for > 10yrs, but it's too much for her.

I think I am having trouble saying lets terminate now because I'm still plugged into the matrix / delusion machine. I do NOT want to hurt her. I do not want to be a quitter. I think I am in love with the idea of being in love with her, but she is constantly telling me I don't love her; so I'm starting to listen :)

Anyway, for anyone that read all that thanks. I know what I should / need to do, just not 100% there yet. And really just wanted a place to vent. Thanks guys...