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dday_throwaway3 Archive

View 7 posts and 5,548 comments by dday_throwaway3 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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2

It's not projection. I've worked with hundreds of men going through divorce. The ones with post divorce financial entanglements hardly ever end the way they wish they did. Judges are a wildcard. Some will give you ample opportunity before they wave the contempt card around, while others will wag their finger at every opportunity for wasting the court's time. His attorney will know what kind of judge it is. It's going to take more than a few months to resolve this. You're looking at the better pa…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 08:31 PM
5

You can't control her behavior. You can only control your reaction to her behavior. So stop caring about what she does or might do. Mark Twain said it best: "I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened." About 85-90% of what people worry about never happen.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 07:59 PM
2

It's simple: You do child exchanges at the local police department. Happens more frequently than most people realize because it's a neutral and safe location. There are video cameras there, so her false claims will go nowhere. More importantly, it's an objective third-party so the burden is on her to prove it rather than you defending it.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 07:57 PM
2

Your life isn't over at 31. It's just beginning. I've got two sons, and I've advised them not to start a family until they're in their 30s when they have established themselves in a career. Men don't have a biological clock like women do. Hell, you've got 73 year old musicians having healthy kids with a 29 yo wife. Jumping into dating before you can present your best self to the world is a terrible idea. You reek of desperation which is a huge turn off for women. Or worse, you'll attract a preda…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 07:53 PM
6

Do a cost benefit analysis. Is trying to get half the money from her worth the legal fees? You don't go after her for $3k if it's going to cost you $5k billable hours. I'm assuming 2024 was a married-filing-jointly tax return. Consider meeting with the IRS and explain the situation with divorce. Offer to pay them half, and provide her contact information to the IRS to obtain the other half. Then sit back and enjoy the show.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 07:39 PM
3

I understand why he made the in-kind deal by paying the mortgage. He gambled and lost. Now he's paying the price for it. By the time this nightmare is over, he's going to wish he paid the higher alimony amount and not have his peace disturbed. The worst horror story I have about the same situation lasted more than five years, and he still hadn't successfully evicted his ex from the home. And it was falling apart because she refused to do any maintenance/upkeep on it. Best of luck to him.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 07:35 PM
3

Answer my question about why you had supervised parenting time. It matters.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 07:27 PM
1

> I responded with I'm only going to communicate with you about matters relating to our child Good job. Setting and enforcing boundaries is super important. You don't talk with the mother unless it's about the day to day caregiving of the children. > she's going to try and keep up this narrative at each handover and then use that as a basis to restrict me from my child again Why did you have supervised parenting time in the past? Was there a false DV charge? Because there are ways to address dro…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 06:49 PM
3

Attorneys do what clients tell them to do. The mistake was made by the guy wanting this financial entanglement, instead of insisting on cutting all financial ties when the divorce was finalized. Going back to the same attorney is also going to save some time (thus money) getting them up to speed. And some attorneys don't want to clean up the mess of other attorneys.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 06:46 PM
2

> That is all she should get of your pension. Is that not how it works by default? I thought she's only qualified for the pension amount accrued during the marriage, not the entire 20yr thing.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 04:45 PM
1

You need to discuss this matter with your attorney. They will tell you what your court standards are, even if there are no state statutes. When I divorced, my state had no laws about spousal support. In my local court, the expectation was to pay SS for one-third the length of the marriage. And that's only if one party didn't work. I paid no spousal support and we were married for 14 years. She worked a full time job. If your wife has not been employed, or has been underemployed, then work with y…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 04:42 PM
1

Have you at least looked at free or reduced cost attorneys in your area? They're available to qualified individuals (aka below a certain income amount). Two examples: https://avlf.org/ https://atlantalegalaid.org/home/ I realize you're not in ATL, but I linked those websites so you can see what to look for similarly in your city. If you don't qualify for those services, then at the very least pay a family law attorney to review your documents. This is not the same as retaining an attorney to rep…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 04:36 PM
2

> Try to recover her, somehow. You're being irrational. You can't "save" a marriage because genuine desire cannot be negotiated. There's nothing magical a counselor in a sweater vest can say to your wife to get her to love you again. > She called her parents and I called mine. Your biggest mistake was not calling the police. She claimed false domestic violence which is why she has a protection order against you.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 04:22 PM
2

Financial split can be done on the back of a napkin. She gets half of the marital estate, which includes your military pension for the time you were married. Your state has laws about how much and how long spousal support lasts. Plug in your numbers using your state's spousal support calc website to see if her $1k/month aligns with that, or if it's wishful thinking. If you are on the hook for spousal support, the only option you have is paying her off with a lump-sum payment at a discount (about…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 04:19 PM
1

Do not accept anything but 50% parenting time from the start. Period. Do not accept a step-up parenting plan. She's using the kids as an excuse to keep you from being a father. Mothers aren't magically a better parent than a father. Kids need both, equally.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 04:15 PM
12

Remaining financially entangled with an ex is one of the worst mistakes you can make in divorce. And he's finding out why. Forget what she wants. He needs to retain an attorney, preferably the one he used during divorce, and file a motion to compel or a motion to enforce (his attorney will know). That's it. Ignore whatever idiotic offer she proposed. Heading straight to court is the fastest way to resolve this. Even when the house eventually gets sold, I bet you she hasn't done the necessary mai…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 04:08 PM
7

> -Therapist says to put fiancé and her kids first but I can’t Your therapist sucks. You put yourself first, like putting on your oxygen mask first on a plane. You're the captain of your ship. If your fiancé doesn't like the ride, she can get off. > silver lining is I have great relationship with my two other daughters and they still come over You're winning fatherhood. There is no better outcome than this.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 03:54 PM
1

The moment you change your mindset from "I cant" to "How do I" you start solving your problems. Everyone has money problems during divorce. I paid for mine on my credit card. Custody is everything in your divorce. You get one chance to get it right. Trying to fix it after divorce is final will cost you multiples of time, attention and money assuming you have a legal foothold for a custody mod.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 03:43 PM
2

Judges are a wild card. Some will give every chance to avoid contempt, while others will wag their finger at every opportunity for wasting the court's time. Your attorney should have a pretty good idea how your judge will react. As for OFW, I stipulated it's use in my parenting plan. One of the huge reasons I divorced my ex is because she's dysfunctionally organized. She'd call me, text me, email me about the same topic but never following up in the same channel of communication. So keeping trac…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 03:11 PM
2

11 pending motions JFC. Have you spoken to your attorney about getting relief from a "vexatious litigant"? There's no way the judge is gonna be happy with her wasting the court's time with her BS. This would be the time to request for attorney fees. Doesn't solve all your problems, but might sting her enough to stop the madness.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 02:27 PM
3

Yep. The time to vet your wife is before marriage, not afterwards. Too many men ignore red flags because they're too scared she's going to withhold sex. They'd rather stay in an unhealthy relationship because they are too afraid of being alone. Too many men also make a woman central to their life instead of a compliment, and ironically the woman ends up resenting them for it.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 01:08 PM
2

> I prefer to save call-outs for when they are absolutely necessary. Attending court dates are absolutely necessary. Period. You're fretting about little stuff. You think your employer cares if someone is out for a week or two because of jury duty? Happens all the time. You missing a day or several does not matter. You don't get to pick your court dates. The court revolves around the judge, not you. DIYing your divorce is a huge mistake. You don't even know what you don't know.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 01:02 PM
2

He came out better than most because he: Set rational goals. Knew how to enforce boundaries by saying "no" to her. Rejected socially prescribed identities so he didn't fall on his sword, giving her everything she wanted. I've worked with hundreds of men going through divorce. If all those men could accomplish those three things, this sub would be a ghost town.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 12:55 PM
2

Your outcome is normal. The people who think that's atypical or a "beatdown" are those that don't understand divorce law, or have fallen on their sword because of socially prescribed identities. My ex wanted to keep the house, keep all her assets, take half of my assets and take none of the debt. I kept my pre-marital house and paid her half the equity gain while we were married. We each kept pre-marital retirement balances, but split half the gain while married. We each kept the debt in our nam…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 12:45 PM
13

You're having problems accepting what's happened because you think women think and act the same way as men. They don't, biologically and psychologically, no matter what socially prescribed identities you've accepted. Their word is not their bond, so those marriage vows mean nothing. Women can achieve a level of indifference that’s foreign to most men’s idealistic concept of love. She is never going to acknowledge the pain of what she caused because in her mind she has done nothing wrong. You can…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 12:17 PM
1

No one has magical advice to give you about finances. Everyone is squeezed during divorce. You have problems compounding on problems, and you need to unravel them like an onion. Your RO needs to be dismissed before you settle custody, otherwise you are going to get royally screwed for parenting time for the foreseeable future. So figure out how to get the RO dismissed, then tackle the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 12:08 PM
2

And what does your attorney say about this abomination of a parenting plan? I bet I know the answer.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 10:34 PM
3

Your wife has been coached well. False domestic violence is right out of the women's playbook to secure primary custody. You must retain a criminal law attorney and fight the Protection Order. You must resolve the PO before you can address the supervised parenting time. If you try to move your custody battle ahead with the PO looming over your head, you are going to lose. Big time. King County is not kind to fathers, and you're seeing that first hand. You must retain an attorney, even if you put…
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 10:33 PM
1

About one-third of men file for divorce. I was one of them. I spent so much effort trying anything to see if I could find something to make it work. I can't even remember the specific interaction I had with my then wife. But there was a voice in my head that snapped, "That's it, I'm done" after some interaction we had. It was at that point I realized I had to accept that she was never going to change, and was never going to accept accountability because she thought she did nothing wrong. I'm eig…
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 10:29 PM
1

Do you want to be looking over your shoulder every day? I won't live my life that way. Do a cost benefit analysis.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 10:20 PM
1

FAAFO
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 10:19 PM
1

It may not be apparent to you, but it is to those of us that know the signs. Your wife has been fucking another dude since last summer. She wants the divorce over quickly so she can move on to him. Yeah that sucks. But it also works in your advantage. Wives clouded by the affair fog are much more reasonable during the divorce. And before you think you need to slow things down, you should read through the horror stories on this sub where men have been embroiled in divorce for *years* praying for …
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 08:46 PM
1

Staying in the marital residence is all about the children. The fathers who leave the marital residence before divorce is final are the ones who end up with every-other-weekend. You can't be an involved father when you're a stranger to them. And that's what you'll be when 80% of the time they aren't with you.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 07:54 PM
1

You provide zero insight into your claims. Keep on being irrelevent.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 07:52 PM
1

Every man going through divorce should consult an attorney. Don't know why you're raging against me. I provide the most actionable and field-tested tactics on this sub. You provide what exactly?
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 06:39 PM
1

It's time tested for decades with hundreds of men.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 06:38 PM
2

Try reading the advice linked. It covers NC.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 06:36 PM
1

Wow, if only NC was covered in the original post. Oh, wait, it is.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 06:35 PM
1

It's a tactic. His wife is bleeding him dry so he rolls over and capitulates to all of her demands. She's been coached well. The continuances are icing on the cake for her.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 06:06 PM
1

You should absolutely consult an attorney. Save the DIY for home repairs. This is why you want an attorney: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 06:02 PM
2

You're their parent too. You teach your kids critical thinking skills. And your actions will teach your kids more than whatever words you say.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 06:00 PM
2

> He also cannot attend his church of over 20 years or go to his daughters’ homes. His wife having exclusive use and occupancy of the marital residence is one thing, but this is mind boggling. What is the reason behind this? Was a temporary restraining order (TRO) or temporary protective order (TPO) filed? If so, the TRO/TPO needs to be resolved first since it will hang over the divorce like a dark shadow. His divorce attorney may not practice criminal law. So if there is a TRO/TPO, you need to …
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 04:39 PM
2

> I don’t want to hurt her or damage relationships with her family Stop. You don't split to remain friends. Civil, sure. This is ultimately a business transaction. Treat it that way by keeping emotions out of it. You need to discuss your situation with an attorney. Here's why and how to find one in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ Aside from the US state-specific comments, what's written there applies to you too. Replac…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 04:34 PM
1

Here's the reality: You need to be prepared to parent your children for 100% of the time with zero notice. Consider for a moment where aliens abduct the mother as a perfect female human specimen, never to be heard from again. Of course that's silly and outrageous. But women ghosting their kids for a new guy, picking up a chemical dependency, becoming incarcerated, hospitalized or perish happen every day. And in that situation, you will be responsible for your children 100% of the time. Once you …
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 04:29 PM
1

How old are your children and why do you think the mother cannot parent your children? Like is there actual documented abuse, or are you simply fantasizing about never dealing with the mother again?
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 04:26 PM
6

Women are communal while men are competitive. That's why women always seem to have a support group compared to men. It's the same reason we don't ask for directions. We figure it out ourselves. If you really want to dig deep into the "why" behind our different behaviors, read more about evolutionary biology and evolutionary psychology.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 04:25 PM
1

You can't "save" a marriage because your wife thinks she's done nothing wrong. Counseling doesn't work. There's nothing magical a guy in a sweater vest can say to make her love you, because genuine desire cannot be negotiated. More insightful details here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ra1kzy/fundamentals_marriage_counseling_does_not_work/
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 04:23 PM
1

Being present for your dad is the greatest gift. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your dad but I hope it's one where you've talked to him. Not just the how was your day and where are you going talking but real conversations about life stuff. Campfire conversations, long ride conversations, long walk conversations where you find out what he believes in and you can share with him likewise. If you haven't had those conversations, then start a tradition where you have breakfast w…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 04:20 PM
0

> still negotiating dissolution and half ass trying to save the marriage That's some serious cognitive dissonance. You can't "save" a marriage because genuine desire cannot be negotiated. It's why marriage counseling does not work. There's nothing magical a guy in a sweater vest can say to make her love you. Have you retained an attorney yet? If not, here's why you need one and how to find one in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 04:15 PM
1

How did you "file together"? One attorney cannot represent both of you. You each need your own attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 04:13 PM
3

It's going to take you about a year to get through reconstruction. You'll be dealing with "firsts" again like celebrating birthdays and holidays. Give yourself the time and attention to deal with it. It took me a couple of months before I had control over my budget again. From there, I realized I needed a better paying job. So six months post-divorce I switched jobs. Five years later, and I'm making 50% more income. Divorce and avoiding the poor house is a hell of a motivator to improve yourself…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 04:11 PM
5

Yeah it's dumb. But I used this to great effect as well. I also kept all of the Father's Day cards and our Anniversary cards. So when she said I was a terrible dad and husband, I pulled those out and her attorney gave her the "shut the hell up about this now" side eye. Besides that stuff, I created pie charts that demonstrated which parent attended extracurriculars, doctor appointments, and parent-teacher conferences. All backed up by calendar entries. In the end, it showed I attended slightly m…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 04:07 PM
3

Moving out before the divorce is final is one of the worst mistakes you can make. I did an in-home separation for 12 months, as many men have done. It was difficult, but ultimately worth it because it ensured I got 50% parenting time with my kids. Here's more insight why moving out is one of the worst things you can do: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 04:03 PM
14

Stop caring what she says or does. You can't control her behavior. You can only control your reaction to her behavior. If you thinking about telling "mutual friends" what she's like behind closed doors, first consider that they don't care. Go look up the Dartmouth Scar Experiment. People don't think about you as much as you think they do. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-school-walls/202410/invisible-scars At some point almost everyone coming to this sub prays for revenge to valida…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 03:58 PM
4

I don't know what "separation" means to you, but do not move out of the marital residence before divorce is final. Moving out before then is one of the worst mistakes you can make. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/ You need your own attorney for divorce, because you and your wife can't share one. Here's why you need an attorney and how to find one in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_nee…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 03:47 PM
4

Cheaters are repeaters. She isn't sorry she cheated. She's sorry you caught her. > She has been staying out til 4-5am with her 27bf. And this is how she's been cheating on you. She may be with her bestie, but she isn't finishing the night with her. Her affair has nothing to do with your kid's safety, at least in the eyes of the court. You have emotional leverage with the mother, and you should absolutely get as much mileage out of that as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 03:43 PM
2

I initiated divorce because my then wife would not disclose her financial details to me in the last years of our marriage (amongst other reasons). I insisted on discovery. It's absolutely worth it if you expect your spouse to be hiding assets. We were together 24 years. If you've been married for a few years and know all your debts and assets, then it's probably necessary. Would have discovery been worth it for OP? Probably. He lost out on his $6k share of the Roth (and the fact that it's a Roth…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 03:31 PM
2

"Informal discovery" is the legal equivalent of "winging it". Do you want to wing it, especially since you know the settlement offer is missing sources of assets? Discovery is where you apply the 7 Ps: "Proper Prior Planning and Preparation Prevents Pitifully Poor Performance" in order to prevent financial shenanigans.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 07:22 PM
4

I sure as hell didn't stay until my kids were 18. They were 7 and 11 and we were together for 24 years. That was eight years ago. My sanity would not have lasted this long if we had remained married. And I probably would have had a heart attack just from the stress. I have zero regrets about my decision. You're in the middle of an internal civil war between your intellect and emotions. You assume you're the cause of the marriage falling apart even if you felt like you did your best. You’ve spent…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 05:25 PM
2

Exactly, it's leverage. Remember, ultimatums are declarations of powerlessness. Also, "no" is a complete sentence.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 05:21 PM
2

If she signed an I-864, which is required for spousal immigration, then she's on the hook to financially support you for ten years from when it was signed. You need to dig through your records and find it. Or request a copy of it. It doesn't matter if accounts have been separate since the start. I never had a joint account with my wife and we were together for 24 years. We each took half the debt and half the assets. I owned my home for six years prior to marriage, so the downpayment and meager …
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 04:19 PM
1

So why did you settle for being an EOW father?
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 04:13 PM
5

No more hands on than if I was still married. I cook dinner, I do drop offs/picks up, and we talk about school stuff. My kids are old enough now to do their own laundry, make their own breakfast and lunch, and entertain themselves. You can't effectively parent your children from afar in a long distance parenting plan situation. Our parenting plan stipulates that as long as one parent lives within one of three specific school districts, then the kids will remain enrolled in that school district. …
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 04:10 PM
7

7 nights with me, then 7 nights with the mother.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 03:53 PM
1

It's mostly not about the laws; the few states are provided as a courtesy about where to start. Completing a divorce quickly/cheaply is all about incentives, and many of those disappear when you move out.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 03:45 PM
5

Be glad you don't have kids. Otherwise you'd have a relationship until someone dies. You can't "save" a marriage by "communicating better", because genuine desire cannot be negotiated. More here about why counseling (and that mindset) does not work and how to perform a cost benefit analysis: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ra1kzy/fundamentals_marriage_counseling_does_not_work/ You start divorce by retaining an attorney, because you can't share one. Here's why you need an attorney …
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 03:43 PM
1

You stop thinking about what other people think, and just act like your child's father. Bring toys to play with, or maybe a book to read. Being present is the most important gift you can give your child.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 03:41 PM
11

The biggest revelation of my life happened during divorce when I realized no one is coming to save me. Like you, my kids are foundational. I wasn't going to roll over and become an every-other-weekend father just because she wanted that. Reject prescribed identities.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 03:39 PM
1

Marriage counseling is a waste of money, brains and time. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ra1kzy/fundamentals_marriage_counseling_does_not_work/ Take the time and money and see a therapist for yourself. Find one that specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). It's about teaching you tools to use, not just laying on a couch rehashing your past. As for feeling trapped, welcome to the club. You are in the middle of an internal civil war between your intellect and …
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 03:37 PM
1

What are your hobbies? I got back into billiards and hiking that I stopped during marriage. It's been a great social outlet.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 03:33 PM
1

You're getting downvoted but shouldn't be. You're in a legit nightmare. Ask yourself this: "What happens if I accept that she will never change?" I realized that despite the damage being done to our marriage my then wife would always have reasons why her behavior was more important than our marriage. Perform a cost-benefit analysis on your marriage: What are the benefits to staying marriage? What are the costs of staying married? What are the benefits to getting a divorce? What are the costs of …
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 03:32 PM
3

Has your wife signed an Affidavit of Support (Form I-864)? Your church is not going to help you. Churches cater to women because 85% of tithing checks are written by women. They are going to tell you to bend over backwards for your wife. They don't care about your outcome. There is no "saving" your relationship because genuine desire cannot be negotiated. Here's why counseling does not work: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ra1kzy/fundamentals_marriage_counseling_does_not_work/ It …
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 03:26 PM
1

Your STBX is not some legal expert. Stop taking advice from her, immediately. You need to stop DIYing this issue and retain an attorney immediately. Here's why and how to find one in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ You need to stop thinking about what could happen in 1.5 years, and deal with the immediate future of your child. Deal with CT later, if it comes to that.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 03:20 PM
2

The house is a marital asset. She will likely argue some amount of it is pre-marital, but there's 35 years of maintenance and improvements so it's going to be extremely difficult for her to prove it has not been transmuted into a marital asset. If she hasn't kept good records, there's no way she's keeping it out of scope in a divorce. Stop listening to her gaslight you about why she's not happy. Happiness comes from within, not granted from another. If she's not happy, it's her problem to solve.…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 03:15 PM
2

> How come when men get something fair in a divorce, it’s a victory? Because women are the protected sex in our society. Just look at sentencing of men vs. women for the same crime. Women serve a fraction of the jailtime that men do. It's also a victory because too many men are willing to fall on their swords and give women everything they want. For every man screwed by the courts, one-hunded men screw themselves. So when a father gets half the parenting, and only gives away half the marital est…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 03:08 PM
1

She's made her choice loud and clear. She took all the stuff she cared about already.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 03:06 PM
1

She's likely borderline personality disorder. It is essential that you read this book so you understand her tactics and how to protect yourself: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Couples counseling is a waste of money, brains and time. A guy in q sweater vest cannot magically say something to save your marriage, because genuine desire cannot be negotiated. Lots more here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ra1…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 03:04 PM
1

Took me about a year post-divorce to complete my reconstruction. I'll say this about being alone vs lonely: You’re going to spend about 85 years with yourself. Learn to enjoy spending time alone. If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company. Don’t get into a relationship if you aren’t comfortable living alone. You must become independent before you can become interdependent. Get yourself sorted before you start wife replacement therapy. This was hugely helpful to me: https://www.…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 03:01 PM
3

Living life looking in the rearview mirror inevitably leads to crashing. Start making new memories that matter. I'm eight years post divorce. We were together for twenty-four years. I'm living my best life right now. We've got a limited time on this planet, and you've got important shit to do. Make it count.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 02:59 PM
1

You stay in the marital residence until the divorce is complete. Yes, it will be hard. I did it for 12 months. Here's why moving out is the worst mistake you can make: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/ You feel broken inside because you thought giving her another chance would change her. You're seeing first hand that *cheaters are repeaters*. She doesn't feel anything about the divorce because in her mind she's done nothing wrong. She stopped car…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 02:57 PM
3

Many men -- more than you know -- stay in the marital residence until the divorce is done. I did it for 12 months. That advice I linked isn't from my experience. It's the product of another divorce forum from 23 years of men going through it. If you're not going to move back in, then you need to realize you're playing the divorce game on hard mode.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 02:52 PM
3

Moving out is a huge mistake. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/ Good news is you can fix it by moving back in. You'll never know the underlying root cause and all the details why your marriage ended. You need to accept that, and move on. Counseling is a waste of money, brains and time. Do not put the failure of your marriage squarely on your shoulders. Lots more here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ra1kzy/fundamentals_…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 02:28 PM
1

Do not move out of your marital residence before the divorce is final. Moving out is one of the worst mistakes you can make. If you think you can't afford it now, you can't afford to move out. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 02:22 PM
11

This is why you go through the discovery process. Assets hidden during that process are not looked upon kindly by the court, and most often the assets are awarded to the other party in full. Here's a story about a lottery winner who kept it from her husband during the divorce. He got the entire amount once it was revealed. https://www.theguardian.com/world/1999/nov/18/3
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 01:46 PM
1

The moment our divorce was finalized. Before then, she's your STBX. And remember, do not take legal advice from your STBX.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 01:44 PM
5

You can't "save" your relationship because she thinks she hasn't done anything wrong. You are never going to convince her otherwise because genuine desire cannot be negotiated. Lots more detail here why counseling is wasted money and effort: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ra1kzy/fundamentals_marriage_counseling_does_not_work/
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 01:33 PM
1

I'm living my best life. It the best revenge. Eight years later and she's still a bitter harpy.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 01:31 PM
1

"She had an affair." Just that. Let them fill in the blanks.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 01:29 PM
3

The greatest revelation of my life is when I realized mid-divorce that no one is coming to save me. Your burden of performance never ends. Welcome to the club. It took me about a year post-divorce to get through reconstruction and be at peace. That year was not idle though. I had to completely rethink my financial plans, my budget and how not to end up in the poor house when I retire. There's nothing more motivating to rethink your career and getting a better job than the position you're in righ…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 01:28 PM
14

> We still see our marriage counsellor once a month to help with co parenting communication. What exactly is a guy in a sweater vest going to tell either of you that is magically going to fix communication between the two of you? Couples counseling doesn't work. Lots of detail why here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ra1kzy/fundamentals_marriage_counseling_does_not_work/ You're learning first hand that you don't listen to what women say. You watch what they do. Because the two ar…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 01:23 PM
16

You're not black pilled. You're just realizing you don't need someone else in your life to define who you are. Women are a compliment to your life. The moment they start complicating it, or being a harpy, then it's time to next them. You've got limited time to get shit done. Your time is valuable.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 01:12 PM
1

Yep. Same here. I hate city traffic. But I'm sticking it out until my youngest graduates high school in a couple of years.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 01:08 PM
1

Nothing about divorce is easy. But no reason to overcomplicate it. You've been a problem solver your entire life. Keep doing that. Pack up her stuff in boxes. Put them in the garage. I spent a weekend doing that in the middle of my divorce when my then wife traveled to a work conference. It's cathartic. You've dealt with house stuff all the time anyway. Do the things that are required now, and punt on the things that can wait. Or do those too, since she's going to be paying half of that maintena…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 01:06 PM
2

Why can't you live where your child lives? That's the only way you get 50% parenting time. You can't be an involved parent with a long distance parenting plan.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 11:53 PM
1

A marriage counselor is not going to fix communication problems between you to. I got into why here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ra1kzy/fundamentals_marriage_counseling_does_not_work/ Go straight to mediation. If you can't come to an agreement in mediation, then you go to trial and let a judge settle it.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 11:51 PM
3

Always Be Closing. Heading to trial is the quickest way to finalize your divorce. The thought of a stranger in robes is often enough for her to come to her senses long enough to make a deal. Even if mediation fails, expect an 11th hour deal on the courtroom steps.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 11:45 PM
1

Why are you reinventing the wheel with the parenting schedule? This is boilerplate stuff your attorney can provide you that's durable. You alternate every holiday every year. Memorial Day you get on even years, her on odd years. If you have Memorial Day on even years, she has Labor Day on even years. So you don't have back to back holidays in the same year, and no parent monopolizes any given holiday. In the summer, you alternate who has priority each year. You in even years, her in odd years. W…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 05:55 PM
1

Why are you moving out before the divorce is final? It's one of the worst mistakes you can make. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 05:10 PM
1

For context: I'm 8 years divorced. My kids were 7 and 11 when we split. This is what I came up with then, and it's served me well and been drama free. Keep the Hallmark holidays out of it. No birthdays, no Halloween, no Valentine's Day, no mother's day, no father's day. Your kids are going to celebrate their birthday twice: Once with you and once with mom. It's a perk of divorce for them. And if they're young enough to have birthday parties, you're not celebrating them on their actual day during…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 04:53 PM
8

My then wife was financially irresponsible, actively worked against me being a father and became a harpy. A trifecta of failure and frustration.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 04:47 PM
1

Here's how to find an attorney in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ You won't find referrals in this sub because it would drown out all other discussion.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 03:04 PM
1

Good job with the 50% parenting time. Status quo is the greatest bias of the court.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 03:02 PM
1

> I have sort professional help but it hasn’t done anything What kind of help? Are you seeing a therapist that employs Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)? What is your current parenting plan with your children? How many overnights do they have with you in a two week period?
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 03:01 PM
1

Navigating the law is what you hire an attorney for. If she filed false DV against you, you need to retain an attorney ASAP. Here's why and how to find one in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 02:59 PM
1

You need to parent your child whether your son is healthy or sick. It's your responsibility as his parent. If the mother wasn't in the picture and you parented your son 100% of the time, you wouldn't be posting here. And your son doesn't "visit" you. You parent your son. The mindset is important. "Visitation" is something you do with people in prison.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 02:58 PM
1

I wish more men understood this, and that "No" is a complete sentence.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 02:55 PM
6

You draw the line at the day-to-day caregiving of your children. You don't talk to her about anything other than that.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 02:55 PM
2

Ask yourself this: "What happens if I accept that she will never change?" I realized that despite the damage being done to our marriage my then wife would always have reasons why her behavior was more important than our marriage. Perform a cost-benefit analysis on your marriage: What are the benefits to staying marriage? What are the costs of staying married? What are the benefits to getting a divorce? What are the costs of getting a divorce? I accepted that it made sense to divorce and move on.…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 02:54 PM
3

You aren't cowardly. You've finally come to the realization you can't "save" a marriage with a woman who doesn't care. It's why marriage counseling doesn't work. Much more detail here about your irrational "cowardly" mindset and why counseling doesn't work: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ra1kzy/fundamentals_marriage_counseling_does_not_work/ Here's how you find an attorney in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attor…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 02:52 PM
2

Breaking up with your girlfriend is good thing. You're so emotionally vulnerable that you were one blowjob away from clearing out closet space for her. You need about a year after your divorce is final to get through reconstruction because there's just so much to process. You’re going to spend about 85 years with yourself. Learn to enjoy spending time alone. If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company. Don’t get into a relationship if you aren’t comfortable living alone. You mus…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 02:49 PM
3

Ah the affair fog. While it sucks that's the reason your relationship is over, there's nothing more compelling for a woman to finalize the divorce. Glad you were able to make the most of it before it wears off.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 02:45 PM
2

Did you complete the discovery process during your divorce? That's the time this should have been brought up. If she failed to bring it up then, well, she's shit out of luck.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 02:39 PM
1

Wake up dude. It's never just an emotional affair. Cheaters are repeaters. You'll never trust her again. Your marriage is over.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 02:37 PM
1

Here's some great advise about keeping your attorney fees down: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/onujje/how_to_save_legal_fees_10_tips/
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 10:29 AM
1

This will get you started: You need to retain an attorney. Here's why and how to find one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ Don't move out of your home until the divorce is final. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/ Don't give your attorney your journal, at least not yet. It'll just inflate billable hours. You'll go through discovery and interrogatories first. If your wif…
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 02:56 PM
1

3 hours to answer a question? I think not. The point is OP is trying to DIY his divorce. He's looking for a bargain not results.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 02:50 PM
2

These are questions for your attorney. Stop DIYing your divorce. Save that for the home repairs.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 11:02 PM
2

Don't move out before custody is final. It's one of the worst mistakes you can make. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/ Just replace "divorce" with "parenting plan".
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 11:00 PM
1

Do you want the next 10 years to be as miserable as the last 10 years?
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 10:58 PM
2

You need an attorney. Here's why and how to find one in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 10:57 PM
2

Why did you divorce then?
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 02:47 AM
1

You feel trapped in your marriage. Every man wants to understand the forces that drew him into the downward spiral of his marriage. You are in the middle of an internal civil war between your intellect and emotions. You assume you're the cause of the marriage falling apart even if you felt like you did your best. You’ve spent years subjugating your emotions to your ideals and it’s undermined your resolve to leave. You have to sort through an immense, convoluted mixture of traditional and convent…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 02:47 AM
1

Do not move out before the divorce is final. It's one of the worst mistakes you can make. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/ I did an in-home separation for 12 months during the divorce process. It sucked, but it ensured I got 50% parenting time and none of my possessions "disappeared".
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 02:45 AM
1

Having a kid is only going to exacerbate your problems. Divorce her before a kid is in the picture, because genuine desire cannot be negotiated. She's acting like a princess without treating you like a prince.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 02:43 AM
1

If I were you, I'd ask for forgiveness not permission. The future of your daughter's custody is at stake. Your wife is attempting to establish new status quo and trying to write you out of the picture.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 02:42 AM
1

Do you want to be remembered as "the parent on the phone"? I sure didn't. Read the kids bedtime stories when they're with you.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 02:39 AM
7

Have you talked to your 8yo about it yet? Explain it to your kid in age appropriate language. My kids were 7 and 11 when I divorced. Here's what I said to them (I wrote this out ahead of time): == SEPARATION TALK WITH KIDS == Mommy and Daddy are having trouble getting along. For now, we're going to stay in separate rooms. This is a grown-up problem that only adults can figure out. You and your brother haven't done anything wrong. This has nothing to do you with you. Mommy and I still love and wa…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 02:37 AM
1

Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. I have a much lengthier reference post about it: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ra1kzy/fundamentals_marriage_counseling_does_not_work/
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 02:36 AM
6

This is why you watch what women do, not listen to what they say. Because the two are not congruent. Women do not have a sense of honor or consider their word important like men do.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 02:34 AM
9

You don't get divorced to remain best friends. Civil, sure. Friends, no.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 02:32 AM
1

Doesn't matter. What matters is being close enough to your child to parent them, instead of letting the mother do the heavy lifting.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 12:23 AM
1

I paid for my divorce on my credit card. Divorce is all about incentives. She has zero reason to settle right now. You've got to get the divorce moving officially.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 12:22 AM
0

Sounds like copium to me. You have responsibilities to the child you brought into the world.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 04:44 PM
1

You can't parent your child from 1000km away. Why can't you move closer to the child?
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 04:38 PM
3

Why do you have monthly "visits" and not 50% parenting time? Fathers are just as important as mothers in the lives of children.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 04:25 PM
1

You can use the online calculator to get a ballpark. Make sure you impute her income to what she was making before, increased for inflation. It doesn't matter that she isn't working now. She has the capacity to work. If she was underemployed before, then you can get a vocational evaluation done to measure her true income potential.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 04:24 PM
1

It's simple. You divorce her. Start by retaining an attorney. Here's why you need one and how to find one in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ Do not move out before the divorce is finalized. It's one of the worst mistakes you can make. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 04:22 PM
1

Your next step is to hire an attorney. Leave the DIY for home projects. This is why you need an attorney: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 04:21 PM
3

Divorce case next January, what the hell is that about? Always be closing.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 04:17 PM
1

You're way past the point where reconciliation is an option. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ra1kzy/fundamentals_marriage_counseling_does_not_work/ Every man grieved about the loss of his family during the divorce process, whether they openly admit it or not. It's normal. As for her traveling, becoming a gym rat, and posting on socials -- together these are telltale signs she's sleeping with other men. She's seeing what her value is in the sexual marketplace. You need …
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 10:37 PM
5

You need to realize that she's one-of-a-million not one-in-a-million. Your scarcity mindset with women is going to keep you from moving forward with your reconstruction.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 10:32 PM
3

Stop. You're getting divorced. The time for gift giving is over. You don't get divorced to remain best friends. You can be civil, but never friends.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 10:30 PM
3

Cheaters are repeaters. You can't listen to what women say. You have to watch what they do. Because the two are not congruent. They have no sense of honor like men do. You don't have a case for adultery if you've have sex with her since she last cheated. Look up "condonation". In terms of what to look for in an attorney, you want a litigator not a mediator. I go into great detail about what to look for in an attorney: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 10:29 PM
3

Most of the stuff in your home was probably furnished by your wife. I know mine was. Let her take it, and keep the things that you use like your dresser, computer desk, etc. With your kids, mine were thrilled to get a new bed, new desk, etc and loved picking them out. Make it an event with them. I gave my wife 90% of the housewares. I kept a couple of knives, basic utility stuff, and our plates, glasses and utensils. I packed up everything else and staged it in the garage for her to take one wee…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 10:26 PM
7

Divorce is contagious. It's not surprising someone who is getting married wants a divorcee-in-waiting to not attend. It also shows his true colors to you.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 10:22 PM
8

This will get you started: You can't "save" your marriage. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ra1kzy/fundamentals_marriage_counseling_does_not_work/ You need to retain an attorney ASAP. Here's why and how to find one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ Don't move out of your home until the divorce is final. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/ Once yo…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 10:20 PM
8

> I’m refusing to go until I know what it’s about at least. That's the right attitude. If she can't be bothered to articulate why mediation is needed, then you can't be bothered to show up. Women: Communication is key. Men: What’s wrong? Women: Nothing.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 11:22 AM
2

You don't listen to what women say, you watch what they do. Because the two are not congruent. I wouldn't worry about her taking you to court. Even if she does take you to court, you've got the email where you offered the dental insurance and she refused it. And you're right that this is a non emergency procedure. Stand your ground on this and watch her squirm.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 11:19 AM
7

None of that is your problem. You being her white knight was a perk of marriage, and that's over.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 11:49 PM
2

Sounds like you got it figured out. As long as the kids have a place to sleep, have food, clothes and the basics they'll be fine. The 1br isn't permanent, it's a short-term plan while you figure things out. When I divorced, it took me a couple of months to get my finances figured out. Running the numbers, I needed a better paying job. A short time later, I got a new job. And five years later, I increased my income 50% by making that career move. So this isn't the end. It's a new beginning.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 10:29 PM
4

Dude, wake up. She's been checked out of the marriage since your child was born. Her plan fell through and you are her safety net. She didn't change her mind, she just wants your wallet. You can't ever trust her again. Even if she said "I love you" today, you know it's not true and won't ever be again because genuine desire cannot be negotiated. As for what she can afford, she's a grown ass woman and is quite capable of working and earning an income.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 10:23 PM
1

Don't over think it. It's just the term used for divorced parents. You've got the right attitude -- you aren't friends. I don't talk to my ex unless it's about something we need to coordinate, like driver's ed or braces for our 15yo.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 08:20 PM
1

Yep, it's exactly that scene. For every guy screwed by the court during divorce, 100 guys have screwed themselves. They moved out, they fell on their sword giving her everything, or they tried to DIY their divorce. Not seeing any of that with you. I'm assuming you've already completed the discovery phase. If not, you need to do that before mediation is scheduled.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 08:18 PM
1

Stop with the "I don't want it to look bad on me". No one other than you cares. Remember, she is a grown ass adult and can take care of herself. If it was retalitory, your attorney would have told you that. He didn't. "Judge, she started a new job and has her own money to pay bills." As simple as that if it ever gets to that point. Your divorce will take as long as you allow it to take. I got mine done quickly because I scheduled trial with mediation six weeks before hand. So my then wife knew i…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 07:59 PM
3

If your parenting plan doesn't explicitly stipulate which parent can claim each dependent, then whomever files their tax return first wins. Even if it's stipulated that she can claim a dependent, you can choose to claim without her approval. From the IRS's perspective, the first one to claim is the one who gets the tax break. If she tries to file electronically, it'll get kicked back saying that dependent has already been claimed. She could force the issue if she then files a paper return. It's …
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 07:52 PM
3

Correct. You can't control other people's behavior. You can only control your reaction to their behavior. It's wild that your wife is throwing ultimatums at you over your son. She's showing her true colors. Kids often do stupid shit and make dumb decisions. Sometimes keeping an open door policy is the best you can do as a dad, even if it hurts in the short term.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 07:46 PM
25

She's never coming back or going to apologize for destroying your family because in her mind she did nothing wrong. Thinking otherwise is just wild fantasy.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 07:35 PM
1

Divorce does a number on everyone -- physically and mentally. It took me about a year after my divorce to find the new normal. You've got to navigate through "firsts" all over again like holidays, birthdays, parent-teacher meetings, etc. It was alot easier to get back on track with my health when I wasn't constantly distracted by the divorce day-to-day.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 04:33 PM
2

Listen to your attorney. And why wait until May 1? Do it today. You paying her bills was a perk of marriage, and that's over. As for her completing a degree, don't listen to what she says. You've already seen that she will tell lies without a second thought. You need to watch what she does. Because I bet she doesn't graduate in December. So while it would be strategic for you to wait until she graduates before agreeing to the final spousal support amount (vocational evaluation based on her degre…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 04:30 PM
2

Yep, OP can't live in fear that his ex will do something. She's already doing it with the vexatious litigation.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 04:22 PM
2

Why the hell is there no final order after 10 months? Because that final order does really matter. But this delay can work in your favor. Status quo is the greatest bias of the court. In order to get a custody modification (which impacts CS), there has to be a substantive reason that's recognized by the court. Since you've got 10 months where you can demonstrate she has not exercised her parenting time, you can get a custody mod that solidifies status quo. Depending on your state/jurisdiction, t…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 04:20 PM
4

"Cheaters are repeaters"
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 02:07 PM
-3

Going between two homes is not a big deal. Kids are more resilient than you think. My kids were 7 and 11 when I divorced their mother. Now they're 15 and 19, and both are doing great.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 11:22 AM
2

Listen to that voice in your head. I initiated my divorce for similar reasons as you, and have zero regrets. That was eight years ago, and now I'm living my best life. You feel trapped in your marriage. Every man seeks to understand the forces that drew him into the downward spiral of his marriage. You are in the middle of an internal civil war between your intellect and emotions. You assume you're the cause of the marriage falling apart even if you felt like you did your best. You’ve spent year…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 11:19 AM
2

The quickest way to resolve a divorce is trial. And that's your only option if she's not participating or dragging her feet. It's unlikely that your divorce will actually go to trial, but the fear, uncertainty and doubt of a stranger in robes making life altering decisions on her behalf is often enough motivation to get her to mediate. Moving out before the divorce is final is one of the worst mistakes you can make, especially in your situation. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/c…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 11:15 AM
5

Divorce laws are specific to each state. If you want more info, then tell us what state you're in. Your wife isn't reading divorce subreddits. Don't have sex with her, otherwise you have zero grounds to use her affair against her (look up "condonation"). In some states, a spouse committing adultery prevents them from receiving spousal support. That could be huge for you. Form your own exit plan by hiring an attorney. Here's why you need one and how to find one in your area: https://www.reddit.co…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 11:13 AM
5

Don't move out before the divorce is final. It's the worst mistake you can make. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 11:09 AM
27

Dude, your relationship is over. You can't "save" it because genuine desire cannot be negotiated. Be glad she revealed her true self before you had a child with her. You just dodged 18 years of hell.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 10:20 PM
3

Stop asking internet strangers for legal advice. If it's that important to you, pay an attorney and have an in-depth conversation about your situation. We'll never have the level of detail needed that your attorney will have.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 08:12 PM
2

If you have kids, you want an attorney young enough that they're still gonna be practicing until your youngest is an adult. Those retainers are typical. Eight years ago I paid $24k to complete my contested divorce in 6.5 months. Worth every dollar.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 08:10 PM
1

Court is not the solution every time she refuses to reimburse you $75. There will be times in the future where you need to reimburse her for things. Just keep track of that, and don't pay her more than what she owes you. I'm eight years out from my divorce, and my ex pulls the same stuff as yours. She owes me about $2k. Funny enough, there's about $2k in reimbursements I owe her that I haven't paid. I've got about three years left before my youngest ages out. At that time, I will engage an attor…
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 01:47 AM
5

You need to set and enforce boundaries with the mother. Do not reply to texts for 24 hours. Anything sent via text is not an emergency. She is using you to feed her dopamine habit. Do not answer phone calls. Let them go to voicemail. If the kids are with you, then don't listen to the calls until the next day. When you respond via text say, "Sounds important, send an email". Email is more formal than texting so it will slow her roll. If her behavior doesn't change after a few weeks, then you need…
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 01:41 AM
6

Did you have a new attorney? Cause that's not how it's done.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 01:36 AM
1

Because rule #3.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 01:34 AM
2

You have to be prepared to parent your kids 100% of the time. Imagine for a moment that your STBX is abducted by aliens because she's a perfect female specimen. Of course that's absurd. But women do ghost their kids for Mr. Wonderful, pick up chemical dependencies, become incarcerated, hospitalized and perish. Once you figure out how to parent your kids 100% of the time, 50% is ezmode.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 01:29 AM
1

Mediation is normal and happens in almost every divorce. Here are some tips: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1qv0k8w/fundamentals_tips_for_meditation/
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 01:21 AM
4

You brought a kid into the world and you're worried about your golf game. I'm at a loss for words.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 01:18 AM
4

^^ 100% this ^^ Once your kids are out of high school, you'll be lucky to spend a week each year with them. My 19yo has a full time job, completes 2 college courses a month and has a girlfriend. I'm lucky to have dinner with him once a week when he stays here with his 15yo brother. The time is now. There's no chance to make it up later.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 01:16 AM
2

So what happens when you have to parent your kids 100% of the time because the mother has ghosted you with Mr. Wonderful, is incarcerated, hospitalized or dies?
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 01:14 AM
3

All bullshit reasons for EOW.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 01:13 AM
3

Judges aint got time for that. ;)
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 08:21 PM
4

Crying is just manipulation. Don't fall for it. The financial part of divorce is a business transaction.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 08:21 PM
3

Her money is her money and your money is her money.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 08:20 PM
2

My ex wanted the moon and the stars. She got half instead.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 08:20 PM
1

What's not simple? If my 15 and 19yo sons ever spoke to me like you shared, there would be a reckoning. I'd get down to the root cause. If they want to part ways with me, that's their choice and I'd respect that as difficult as it would be. But that's a face to face conversation not something you do over a text. That's not how you comport yourself as a man.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 01:59 AM
1

You've installed the mother as a gatekeeper. Just listen to yourself: > she only allowed me to see my 13 year old 2 hours a week. > I asked my wife if I could ask him about attending his last swim meet. She said she talked to my oldest who said it was fine to text him. As for your sons, you need to have a sit down with them and find out what's really going on. Stop with the texting. Take 'em out for a meal, then go on a walk together to walk it off. I don't know what kind of relationship you hav…
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 01:45 AM
10

Doesn't matter who was the saver and who wasn't. Add up all marital assets and liabilities, then divide by two. You each get half.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 01:14 AM
2

Also, honor only has meaning to men. Women just don't think that way.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 12:31 AM
1

How old are your children?
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 12:29 AM
1

Tips for mediation: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1qv0k8w/fundamentals_tips_for_meditation/ Even if you use a mediator, you still need an attorney. Here's why and how to find one in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 12:29 AM
5

The fastest way to finalize a divorce is to head to trial. Without the fear of a stranger in robes making decisions about her life, she has no motivation to settle quickly.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 12:25 AM
2

Talk to your doc.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 12:24 AM
3

Status quo is the greatest bias of the court.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 12:23 AM
1

Vows have no meaning when the other party doesn't honor them.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 12:15 AM
1

The judge doesn't care if you're mean to each other. "Parental interference" is what...? Is she preventing you from your parenting time?
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 12:03 AM
1

Is there a reason you're downloading texts and emails? Given your situation discovery is primarily for financial stuff, and those are usually limited to three years unless there are reasons/suspicions to go back farther. My ex wanted seven years of financial records. I gave her three. It was enough. Or are you dealing with interrogatories as well? If so, provide more details. Don't contact your attorney every time you have a question. Queue up your questions and send them in a single email or ca…
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 11:45 PM
1

Hey, if she wants space then she can move out. You need to move back into the marital residence immediately. Moving out before the divorce is one of the worst mistakes you can make. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 05:07 PM
2

Did you have a question? This is your second time around, so you kinda know what to expect.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 05:05 PM
1

Her attorney couldn't care less as long as your ex is paying. Attorneys have one primary motivator: Billable hours.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 05:04 PM
3

Because it serves her narrative. She doesn't care about you.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 05:02 PM
11

Every state has rules about how often CS can be recalculated. It's typically every 2-3 years. In TX, it's 3 years. So if it hasn't been 3 years since the divorce or your last CS mod, then it ain't happening right now. To be clear, it doesn't matter about your wife's income. Your wife is not a party to your children or the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 05:01 PM
4

I spent months ruminating. Once I got it out of my system, I moved on. You can't live in the past.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 04:54 PM
2

Why are you moving in the middle of the divorce? Deal with that after it's been finalized. It doesn't matter if she's not on the lease. That's her residence. If you move out, the landlord will likely offer her to take over the lease. And now you're in a situation where you're moving and the kids aren't. Status quo is the greatest bias of the court, and you're putting yourself in an unfavorable position. Here's why moving out before the divorce is final is one of the worst mistakes you can make: …
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 04:57 PM
1

Here's how to find an attorney in your area and what to look for: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 04:52 PM
2

Long term nesting is a really bad idea and does not work. It is feeding the monster that the children cannot tolerate going from one parents home to the other. If sharing the home worked, you would never have come to this subreddit. There's a reason that judges do not order nesting -- it's a fantasy and does not work in reality. There are practical reasons it doesn't work. Who cleans the house? Does the dishes? Who slept in the bed and spooged the sheets? You end up doing all the house cleaning …
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 04:50 PM
1

Don't need to be married to have kids.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 04:41 PM
12

I'm eight years past my divorce. I've had lots of time to think about this. In short, there's no benefit to men getting married.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 07:22 PM
3

You need an attorney, preferably one that practices both family law and criminal law. There are simply way too many details needed for you to get actionable information here. So stop DIYing your divorce and hire one. Here's why you need an attorney, and how to find one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 04:12 PM
1

Good for you. Those women aren't more important than your kids. Most parents don't realize 99% of the time you spend with your kids is before they graduate high school. Once they're in college or living on their own, you're lucky to see them for a week once a year.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 04:09 PM
1

Sounds like copium to me.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 04:07 PM
1

You aren't the first shift worker to get divorced. My ex is a clinician and works 12 hour days. We have 50% parenting time. "The schedule is fluid and can be changed however we agree on" is not durable at all. All it takes is for her to disagree and you'll be an every-other-weekend father. You need to change your mindset from "I cant" to "How do I" around getting your kids on the bus or whatever. Pretend for a moment that aliens abducted the mother because she is such a fine specimen of the huma…
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 04:05 PM
2

> we signed a custody/visitation understanding on stamp paper through lawyers > There is no detailed court order governing custody — just that private agreement. It's not clear to any of us what you actually signed. My jurisdiction (United States) has very specific requirements for divorce, including a parenting plan if there are children. Without the parenting plan, you can't get divorced. You need to meet with your attorney and get a clear understanding of what was signed. If it's an extralega…
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 01:01 PM
4

You need to stop the DIY and hire an attorney. Here's why and how to find one in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 12:47 PM
2

I highly recommend you read this book ASAP: "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder". You need to stay in the marital residence until the divorce is final. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/ Your best defense is retaining a divorce attorney and filing first. Here's why you need one and how to find one in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 04:01 PM
2

And this is supposed to help how? You've obviously tried other things in the past and those have failed. There's no magical thinking or activity that is going to make your wife want to crawl through broken glass to be with you. Genuine desire cannot be negotiated.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 03:57 PM
7

I divorced when I was 47 after being with the same woman for 24 years. I made the decision years ago that I'm never going to remarry and I'm not having any more kids (two is enough). As Jim Carrey comedically said: Whoever came up with marriage is creepy as hell. I love you so much I want to get the government involved. I'm in my mid-50s now. When I date and get the inevitable question of "What are you looking for?" I simply reply with "I'm just dating." If she isn't good with that, then next. S…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 03:54 PM
4

Dude, you need to clean up one mess before you create another. You're extremely vulnerable right now to a predatory woman and are one blowjob away from clearing out closet space for a woman. I get it. We're men, we have needs. But in the middle of the divorce you need to keep focused on what matters. This is the best advice I've come across about dating and divorce: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce_before_dating/
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 03:45 PM
25

The most enlightening day of my life is when I realized mid-divorce that no one is coming to save me.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 03:41 PM
1

50% parenting time doesn't mean $0 CS in GA. Our incomes were near equivalent so CS/SS just didn't make sense. In fact, she switched jobs during the divorce and ended up with a salary ever-so-slightly higher than my own. So if she pushed the issue, then it would not have gone well for her. It's been eight years. She could have petitioned the court for a CS recalc after 3 years, and the court always implements state standards. While I can't confirm she's not making more income than me, I'm fairly…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 03:34 PM
1

Hell yes I did. 50% parenting time, $0 CS, $0 SS, split final decision making authority. Worth every dollar for that peace of mind.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/26 09:35 PM
2

I don't know anything about it other than what I just Googled. The hourly pricing you shared is a hell of a deal. I paid $350/hr eight years ago totaling $24k for my entire divorce to be finalized.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/26 09:24 PM
3

> Is it realistic to have a good relationship with ex after divorce? You can be civil with her after the divorce. But you don't divorce to remain best friends. You feel lost because you've never lived by yourself and you have a scarcity mindset with women. She's not one-in-a-million, she's one-of-a-million. You’re going to spend about 85 years with yourself. Learn to enjoy spending time alone. If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company. Don’t get into another relationship if yo…
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/26 09:20 PM
1

Glad I could help!
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/26 09:12 PM
5

> The kids are all young enough that they need to be near mom They need their dad too. Here's the reality: 99% of the time you ever spend with your children is before they graduate high school. Once they're in college or employed full-time, you'll be lucky to see them a week a year. There's no making up time later. It's now or never. You cannot be an effective parent when you live far away. You can't take your kids to doctor appointments. You can't attend parent-teacher meetings. You won't be th…
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/26 09:09 PM
4

Genuine desire can't be negotiated. Talking it out with her is not going to change the dynamic of your relationship. Ask yourself this: "What happens if I accept that she will never change?" I realized that despite the damage being done to our marriage my then wife would always have reasons why her behavior was more important than our marriage. Perform a cost-benefit analysis on your marriage: What are the benefits to staying marriage? What are the costs of staying married? What are the benefits…
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/26 09:06 PM
1

I'm familiar with GA. How old are your children?
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/26 09:02 PM
1

Stop asking internet strangers for legal advice. Your attorney can tell you exactly what you need. Here's why you need an attorney and how to find one in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/26 10:57 PM
2

> What do I do going forward? Learn how to set and enforce boundaries. You seem to think you are obligated to answer her every question. You aren't. If it's not about the day-to-day caregiving of the children, then say nothing to her. The best resource I can recommend for setting and enforcing boundaries is the excellent book "When I Say No I Feel Guilty".
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/26 10:54 PM
3

> Afraid of Ruining Her Life She's a grown ass adult and can take care of herself, just like she did before you got married. You feel trapped in your marriage. Every man seeks to understand the forces that drew him into the downward spiral of his marriage. You are in the middle of an internal civil war between your intellect and emotions. You assume you're the cause of the marriage falling apart even if you felt like you did your best. You’ve spent years subjugating your emotions to your ideals …
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/26 10:53 PM
2

Financially I was wiped out after my divorce too. Took me about three months but I changed jobs so I had the flexibility to do drop offs/pick ups. Within five years, I was making 50% more income because of the job change. Divorce is a hell of a motivator to push yourself to make more money. Here's the reality: 99% of the time you ever spend with your children is before they graduate high school. Once they're in college or employed full-time, you'll be lucky to see them a week a year. There's no …
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 08:22 PM
1

She left them on the counter because she wanted you to find them.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 08:16 PM
1

Her: What are you looking for? Me: I'm just dating. That's the extent of the conversation. I don't care if she considers me an asshole if I continue to date. If you care, then you need to work on yourself because you still have a scarcity mindset. She's one of a million not one in a million.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 08:15 PM
4

Presumptive 50% parenting time. Kids have the right to both parents, equally. Limit spousal support to 3 years for rehabilitative learning. Someone doesn't get a free ride their entire life because it was that way during marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 08:13 PM
1

Here's why you need an attorney and how to find one in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 08:11 PM
1

The floor is 40-hours minimum wage in your area. The ceiling is based on past jobs and university degrees. If she's got degrees or certifications but never had a related job, or is underemployed, then pay to have a vocational evaluation performed. It's worth the cost in the long run because it will lower your spousal/child support payments.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 08:11 PM
4

Do not move out of the home until you are ordered to by a judge. Moving out before the divorce is final is one of the worst mistakes you can make. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/ You need an attorney. Here's why and how to find one in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 08:07 PM
2

Never take legal advice from your ex. She isn't an attorney. > I violated the MSA in not consulting her on any vaccinations as its non emergency care Vaccinations are the standard of care in the US. A judge isn't going to blink an eye at a parent getting vaccines for their child. One parent does not need the permission of the other to obtain a vaccine. Whichever parent is anti-vax has an uphill climb in court to defend that stance. The only defense that party will have is if there's a religious …
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 07:57 PM
1

> I'm coming to the realization that this was nothing more than me being way too vulnerable and have not put in the work on myself I need yet. Precisely. You need about a year once divorce is final to finish reconstruction and get your head screwed on right. I go into detail here about it: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce_before_dating/
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 07:42 PM
4

> Remember your job is to be dad, not a friend. This x1000. Kids that have committed to playing a sport or participating in some activity need to learn the responsibility about showing up at 100% ready-to-go not dragging ass. He can have his buddies over some other night when a game isn't on the line. Even then, I've put bedtimes on my kids for years. During school nights, 10pm in bed no noise with a 5:30a wakeup. On the weekend, no later than 1am -- and wakeup is 8:30a.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 07:40 PM
2

> So the real deal is whether or not I should warn him that he goes out with a cheater? He already knows and doesn't care.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 07:32 PM
9

Using r/divorce_men as someone's customer acquisition platform is deplorable. Men coming here are already extremely vulnerable. They don't need others exploiting them in their time of need.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 03:58 PM
10

Thanks for calling this out. This community is highly transient so it's difficult to identify shysters. Most guys will be active for a short time and don't stick around beyond their initial post. When I went through my divorce eight years ago, there was a community of men who helped me get my head screwed on straight. While Men's Divorce Forum has been gone two years, some of us have migrated here to continue paying it forward. No books, no courses, no fees. Just advice from one man to another a…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 03:50 PM
3

It was probably the same one who reached out to me. I told them if they had anything to say then they should post it in the thread so everyone can benefit.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 03:42 PM
1

I spent twelve months doing an in-home separation living in different bedrooms. It was difficult but ultimately worth it because it helped me secure 50% parenting time. Once I adopted a Stoic mindset, and only discussed the day-to-day parenting issues with her, it was much easier to deal with. Moving out before the divorce is final is actually one of the worst mistakes you can make. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 02:34 PM
5

> And now - I’m scared to death that it’s going to disappear. Then you aren't ready for a relationship with this scarcity mindset. You're one blowjob away from clearing out closet space for this woman. She's one of a million, not one in a million.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 02:32 PM
5

You've got the right approach dealing with custody first. The financial stuff can be done on the back of a napkin. And when presented to a judge, the most likely outcome is splitting the marital estate down the middle. I shared some tips about mediation here you may find helpful: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1qv0k8w/fundamentals_tips_for_meditation/
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 02:29 PM
4

Divorce definitely reveals who your true friends are, and who are mere acquaintances.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 02:25 PM
1

> Would you suggest borrowing against your house to play the market? Generally, no, because the risk of trading on margin/leverage is outside of my comfort zone. However, if you're a grey divorce, it may be necessary if you don't want to work into your 70s. The choice of renting or owning, especially post divorce, is a lifestyle choice. I kept my house after divorce because it was the most cost effective way to remain in my school district. My number one concern post divorce was my ex trying to …
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 02:22 PM
1

She already has them. You share them with your attorney to establish that you planned to retire at a certain age. So if you had a plan to retire at 60, then spousal support can be bookended at that age. That way your spouse can't claim you should be working until 65 (or later) to support her lifestyle.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 02:12 PM
1

You're irrational if you think your wife is spending hours each day looking for your story. Just like you aren't looking for her posts. You can negotiate paying her a lump sum now instead of paying her indefinitely. If you do a lump sum, you'll pay her at a discount -- around 60% of what you would pay her over time. The advantage of paying her a lump sum means spousal support is set to $0 in your decree. And she can't come back later to increase it. Psychologically, it's a huge relief knowing yo…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 01:48 AM
2

The ROI on paying off a home is way lower than putting that money into the market and making 10-12% in the S&P 500 (VTSAX, VTI, etc).
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 01:39 AM
6

Custody is measured by overnights so you're getting fucked over right now. There is absolutely zero reason why you should have 0 overnights. Texas Expanded Standard Possession Order is the default and presumed best interest of the children for parents who live within 50 miles of each other. You don't have to accept the default but you need to stop DIYing your divorce. You want results not a bargain. Here's how to find an attorney in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 01:37 AM
2

Took me about a year to complete my reconstruction once my divorce was final. I wrote this thread as guidance for others: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce_before_dating/
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 06:06 PM
4

In my experience helping hundreds of men through divorce, the attorneys that suck are mediators rather than litigators. There are two kinds of family law attorneys: Litigators and mediators. Your attorney has one job, to litigate: Trial experience, deposition ability, attention to detail and civil procedure. The ability to litigate is the greatest defining factor of an attorney. You want someone who has taken their client's goals all the way to the judge, with the ability to present your matter …
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 06:04 PM
1

> We don’t have a formal agreement in place yet Then how are you divorced? A parenting plan is a required part of the marriage settlement agreement. We assume you're divorced when you say "ex" instead of "STBX" for someone still going through the process.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 06:01 PM
1

Depends on your state and the delta in incomes. Duration is about half the duration of the marriage in most states. Half of all assets and liabilities acquired during the marriage are hers.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/26 09:12 PM
1

It's absolutely worth it. By imputing her income, you're reducing spousal support and child support amounts. You'll pay a bit up front to get it done, but you'll save money in the long run.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/26 09:11 PM
3

I was your age when I initiated divorce with my wife. Two resources to get you started: Here's why you need an attorney and how to find one in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ Stay in the marital residence during divorce. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/26 09:07 PM
1

You can go to your state's online calculators to get an estimate. For TX, I believe CS starts at 20% and goes up 5% per child (capped at 30% I think). Spousal support duration depends on the length of the marriage. It's usually half the duration.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/26 07:55 PM
1

You don't listen to what she says, you watch what she does. Because the two are incongruent with one another. Once one spouse has checked out of a marriage, reconciliation isn't on the table. I go into great detail why here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ra1kzy/fundamentals_marriage_counseling_does_not_work/
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/26 07:53 PM
1

Renting or buying is a lifestyle choice. It's personal calculus only you can solve for. Remember, you can't get a loan for retirement. And you don't earn gains on money not in the market.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/26 07:51 PM
2

Seclude yourself in a room without her. Lock the door. Wear earbuds and drown her out. She's trying to make it uncomfortable for you so you leave the marital residence. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/26 07:49 PM
5

Her boyfriend was served papers for what? You need to be more insightful with details because this isn't typical. It's possible your STBX is lying about this. If so, don't believe a word she says. If it ain't in writing, forget about it.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/26 07:47 PM
2

Focus on getting through your divorce first.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/26 03:05 PM
2

By the time husbands find themselves in this sub and reading this thread, the wife is already checked out. There's no shot at reconciliation in that scenario. And if you can do better, then post it. This sub has been around for a decade and has no sidebar. I spent the better part of the day writing this post, reflecting on my own divorce and the years of experience I've spent helping hundreds of men going through divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/26 02:51 PM
4

By the time men find themselves posting in r/divorce_men, their marriage is cooked. Someone is already checked out, and most commonly that's the wife. A third-party has zero chance reconciling a marriage when someone is checked out already.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/26 02:46 PM
1

By the time men find themselves in this sub, someone is already checked out of the marriage. The men who are already checked out don't need this thread. It's for the men that have found themselves in a marriage that's the farthest from the ideal they had. If they thought reconciliation was possible, they'd be posting in r/marriage instead.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/26 02:41 PM
3

> it only works if both people are willing The post was made in the context of r/divorce_men not r/marriage. By the time men find themselves here, someone has already checked out of the marriage. This sub isn't about reconciliation. It's about embracing the reality of the shit sandwich in front of you.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/26 02:18 PM
3

Then do better.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/26 02:10 PM
4

I divorced in 2018. I can't imagine what the past eight years would have been like if I had stayed with her. I'm living my best life now.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/26 01:42 PM
6

> Kind of just wondering what is going through her head right now, Stop. You're allowing your ex to rent space in your head. You need to evict her. You're focusing way too much about her emotions. You can't control her behavior. You can only control your reaction to her behavior. You can communicate with the mother through the app about anything that has to do with the day to day parenting of the children. Anything beyond that keep to yourself or your attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 05:46 PM
2

First Amendment: Right of association. You have no courtroom experience if you think minor children will testify against their parents.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 05:32 PM
2

Every man struggles with finances during divorce. I know I did. Once you've changed your mindset from "I can't afford" to "How do I afford", you're on your way. I paid for my divorce on my credit card. It was worth every dollar. You are embroiled in a custody battle that has gone on for a year. It's foolish to think you're going to DIY this with an optimal outcome. Here's why you need an attorney: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 01:42 PM
1

Most men don't understand that divorce is a full-time job. There is a steep learning curve and decision fatigue is absolutely a thing. So you've got to prioritize the important things first, like securing custody/parenting time. The thing that saved me the most time and attention is adopting a Stoic mindset. You can't control her behavior. You can only control your reaction to her behavior. That saved me so much mental load when I divorced eight years ago. Ryan Holiday's book "The Obstacle is th…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 01:36 PM
3

Every man should be concerned about this when divorcing. Because in a she-said he-said situation, women will be believed over men. We have decades of The Duluth Model to thank for that. Get your plan together before you ever let her know you're divorcing: Secure heirloom or sentimental items off-site so they don't go "missing". Collect all financial records, including hers. Implement financial austerity. Get rid of any big ticket items before divorcing that you aren't keeping. Sell that boat, mo…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 01:28 PM
3

Divorce clearly shows you who your real friends are and who are acquaintances.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 01:16 PM
0

It's limited to TX, GA, AL, SC though courts have held that overbroad restrictions are unenforceable.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 01:11 PM
1

Morality clauses aren't used very much because they are unenforceable puffery designed to shut people up and get them out of the courtroom. The little clauses put into your decree can't superceed ones basic constitutional rights. You have the right to associate with who you wish. Also, good luck proving it. You'll spend thousands of dollars on an objective third-party (private investigator) to gather evidence. Then thousands more bringing it to court. What do you think is going to happen when yo…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 01:08 PM
2

100% this. OP doesn't know what he doesn't know. If things were so amicable, OP wouldn't be divorcing.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 01:00 PM
1

This is why discovery is part of the divorce process. Anyone who hides "huge sums of money" and thinks they can get away with is an idiot. Judges and attorneys have decades of combined experience uncovering this. And when a judge finds out, it will turn out poorly for the party who did it. Here's a famous case about a woman who hid her lottery winnings during divorce. After divorce, the judge ordered her to give her ex all of it. https://www.theguardian.com/world/1999/nov/18/3
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 12:58 PM
1

OP, here's why you need an attorney and how to find one in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 12:54 PM
6

Marriage counseling is a waste of time and money: The success rate speaks for itself. The industry caters to women, because as soon as the women stops participating counseling ends. His wife thinks she's done nothing wrong. Genuine desire cannot be negotiated.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 12:53 PM
3

She can ask the court for anything. Whether or not the TRO will be granted depends on what she said. If she followed the advice from the women's divorce playbook, she told the judge she doesn't feel safe around you and fears for her life. You need to stop planning and start doing because your wife is already 10 steps ahead of you getting a TRO against you. She's got a gaggle of divorced hens whispering in her ear telling her how to optimize her outcomes in divorce. Here's why you need an attorne…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 12:45 PM
2

Do you live in the same school district as your daughter? That is your strongest defense against a move-away. The police will do nothing. Police deal with criminal matters. Custody is a civil matter. Only the family law court can provide you relief.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 12:43 PM
1

The only thing you need to say to your daughter about the mother's love life is "I don't want to hear about it". Instead of worrying about the mother's relationship with your daughter, focus on your own. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your daughter but I hope it's one where you've talked to her. Not just the how was your day and where are you going stuff but real conversations about life. Campfire conversations, long ride conversations, long walk conversations where you fin…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 12:40 PM
3

Everybody struggles with finances during divorce. I paid my attorney via credit card. It was worth every dollar. Here's why you need an attorney and how to find one in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 12:28 PM
1

The IRS will reject her return because the children have already been claimed.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 12:12 PM
2

It's not strife. It's getting shit done. His wife is going to bitch and moan about everything that she doesn't agree with. That's typical during a divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 03:30 AM
2

That sounds like hell. At least now it's behind you, and your relationship with your kids is as strong as ever.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 03:29 AM
2

I dont know what you mean "refused paperwork". Did you try to DIY your divorce? Because if an attorney was involved, she doesn't have a choice whether or not she gets divorced. Divorce only requires one dissatisfied spouse.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 03:25 AM
1

Your wife has been planning this for a while. She's gotten advice from other divorced hens about how to maximize custody/parenting time with your children. That's why she moved with the kids. She's establishing the new status quo, and status quo is the greatest bias of the court. You cannot seek the court's relief for any time before there was a court-recognized agreement in place (Jan 28). Once you have an agreement, if a parent is denying you court ordered parenting time, then document it. You…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 03:23 AM
2

Moving out is the worst mistake you can make when it comes to custody. Good news is you can fix it by moving back in. Do it today. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 03:12 AM
1

> every single time she is threatened suicide You need to understand that normal people do not threaten suicide. Your wife has a serious mental health problem. The next time she threatens it, you need to take it at face value. Call 911 and tell them exactly what she said. When they arrive, tell them you want involuntary psych observation done (lasts 72 hours, happens in a hospital, also known as a "5150"). Once she's out of the home, then you go to your county's website and download the Temporar…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 03:10 AM
3

> “You couldn’t make it work.” You can't "make it work" because genuine desire cannot be negotiated. That's why marriage counseling is a waste of time.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 03:04 AM
6

Discussing divorce is kryptonite for married couples. They don't want you around. Everyone has their own problems to manage. When people ask how you're doing, most of them aren't really interested. It's just a greeting. The people that do care are those friends that last a lifetime. My buddy and I got divorced at the same time. We kept our divorce conversations to just us because we realized no one really wanted to hear about our trials and tribulations. That was eight years ago. We have lunch/d…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 02:48 AM
1

What on earth were her claims regarding "cruel treatment"? It's wild that your children testified. That's nearly unheard of. That kind of verdict isn't surprising when one party tries to seek emotional justice through the court.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 02:45 AM
3

> I don't want to get married with such toxicity It sounds like you're living in hell. You're under no obligation to get married to her. You need an exit plan out of your relationship ASAP, even if that means breaking your lease. Your sanity is worth more than money.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 02:37 AM
5

You're learning first hand not to wait for your wife to do the work. Her offer is going to be ridiculous anyway. Here's what I would do: If you have kids, tell your attorney to schedule mediation. Agree on custody/parenting time before any financial stuff. If she can't agree on that, then tell her you'll see her in court. More details about mediation: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1qv0k8w/fundamentals_tips_for_meditation/ If no kids, then you each get the debt in each of your nam…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 02:32 AM
1

Not at the time he receives the refund. She'll get half of all marital assets once the marital settlement agreement is final.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 02:24 AM
0

LOL what court? Family law court does not care.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 02:22 AM
3

Stop giving a shit what she thinks. Without a final marital agreement in place, it's whoever files first can claim the kids. The IRS does not care who claims the children. Don't share a dime with her. You know she would not share with you. Remember, her money is her money and your money is her money. As part of your final agreement, make sure she signs IRS form I-8332. That way she can't fuck you over the following years.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 02:20 AM
2

I'm eight years after my divorce and have worked with hundreds of men going through divorce. You don't know what you don't know. Divorce without a final agreement is the legal equivalent of "winging it". Think it through a minute. If you could work together this well during your marriage, you wouldn't want to be divorced. The moment you disagree with her, you'll wish you had a formal agreement. You know, like when she decides to move the kiddo away with her when she moves to be near Mr. Wonderfu…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 10:25 PM
7

Because marriage counseling is centered around women, not men. Because one a woman stops engaging, the counseling ends. The marriage counseling industry's spectacularly terrible success rate speaks for itself.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 08:41 PM
9

Ultimatums are declarations of powerlessness. > I'm honestly too scared to make the move but don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life and I don't see any other options. The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attraction, affection, respect and love that you enter into to make it easier for both of you get through life together. It’s like you become a team of horses, …
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 08:38 PM
0

Divorce is literally the dissolution of a contract. The best divorce and family outcomes are the result of logic and reason. His wife will express enough emotion for the entire family by the time this is over. For every man who gets screwed by divorce, one hundred men screw themselves. They fall on their swords because they think they aren't enough, or doing so will magically save the marriage like some Disney movie. They give away all of their parenting time, and their money thinking the kids n…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 08:20 PM
1

It's not easy. I initiated my divorce too. Having months to process it is going to put you in a great position. You'll be able to treat this like the level-headed business dissolution it is, without getting overwhelmed with emotion. You've got an attorney retained, right?
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 07:49 PM
1

I paid $24k for my divorce eight years ago. Worth every dollar. Got it done in 6.5 months, and it was contested. Expect to pay $350/hour in a metro area like Atlanta, Athens, Macon or Savannah. Here's how to find an attorney in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 07:15 PM
2

Two things: You can't control her behavior. You can only control your reaction to her behavior. That's Stoicism 101. If you're not familiar with Stoicism, I recommend "The Obstacle is the Way" by Ryan Holiday. It's a great intro into the subject, and fairly short. I'm eight years past my divorce, and it's been how my peace can no longer be disturbed by my ex. As long as you have 6-12 months demonstrating you have the majority of the overnights, then you've established the new status quo. Status …
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 03:25 PM
1

If neither of you can afford to buy out the other, then the house will be sold and the proceeds split. Either of you can choose to use retirement accounts instead of house equity to balance the ledger though. Money is tight for everyone going through divorce, moreso for men since we're usually the primary providers for the family. And housing is going to be your largest monthly living cost. You'll figure it out like we all did. I can tell you this: Six months after I divorced, I started a new jo…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 03:21 PM
2

You have to consider the opportunities available to your children in the US compared to the other country. That's personal calculus only you can solve for. Here's the deal: 99% of the time you will ever spend with your children is before they graduate high school. Once they go to college or start their lives, you'll be lucky to spend a week with them each year. So consider staying in the US until they've graduated high school. After that, you were only going to see them infrequently regardless w…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 03:17 PM
1

Understand this: Parenting time is awarded to the parents, not the conditions. It doesn't matter if your home is cramped, or if the kids have to share a bedroom or sleep on the couch. All that matters are the basics: Heat, electricity, plumbing, and no safety issues like exposed wires/nails. Foster Care is a last resort for the court. It takes alot, and I mean alot, for the court to find a mother or father being unfit to the point they cannot parent their children without supervision. Chemical d…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 03:11 PM
2

"No" is a complete sentence. Practice saying it in the mirror until you're comfortable with it. If that isn't enough, then I recommend reading "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" and implement the tools within. If you've got a long-distance parenting plan, why isn't she paying you CS when you're doing all the heavy lifting? In the US even if both of you agreed to no CS, the state will always enforce CS if you petition the court for it. They're financially incentivized by the federal gov't to do so.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 03:04 PM
5

It's fine to be civil with your ex. "No" is also a complete sentence. Her problems are no longer yours to solve.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 03:01 PM
1

Good luck sir. If you aren't aware: Even if you agreed to no CS as part of your divorce, the court will always enforce the state's CS calculations. Why? Because the state is incentivized by the federal gov't to do so, providing about two-thirds of the administrative costs in reimbursements.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 02:58 PM
1

Once you divorce, she is no longer your problem. You will no longer be her white knight. She's a grown ass woman and can take care of herself. I initiated my divorce from my wife because of finances. We made good money but she didn't save a dime of it. I didn't want to work into my 70s like my parents had. You need an attorney. Here's why and how to find one in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 02:55 PM
4

> I’m 28 and I only really ever loved my soon to be ex wife She's not one in a million, she's one of a million. You need to understand that before you get entangled with another woman. At 28, your life is just starting. Be glad you're divorcing now without kids and without a large amounts of assets. I've told my two boys to spend their 20s focusing on their careers and making bank. Only once they're established in their 30s should they consider a serious relationship. > I want to be mad at her b…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 02:48 PM
15

You don't pay for a trip for the kids unless you're going on it. Period. Cause if this was reverse, you know she'd tell you to F off. Her money is her money, and your money is her money. You got divorced to get away from that. Don't regress.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 02:43 PM
2

With 80% parenting time, surely she's paying you child support. Right?
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 12:10 AM
3

> Buy some gold. Gift your expensive shit to your best friend You think judges and attorneys aren't wise about this and have decades of combined experience uncovering it? It's why discovery is part of the divorce process. And when the judge finds out, the judge will take it out punitively on the party that does it. There's a famous story about a woman who won the lottery and didn't tell her husband before she divorced. Once discovered, the entirety of the amount was awarded to the husband. https…
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 11:48 PM
6

She's already started spousal replacement therapy.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 11:44 PM
1

I wrote up some mediation tips here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1qv0k8w/fundamentals_tips_for_meditation/ What other questions do you have?
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 09:02 PM
7

Don't sign the letter. Clean up one mess before creating another. She can go buy whatever she wants after divorce. That's her problem to solve, not yours.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 09:00 PM
10

Yep. OP needs to file for divorce to keep her from withdrawing the 401k. Pure insanity. I divorced at about the same age as OP, and losing half my retirement was soul crushing. It's not like the OP can keep the boobs after divorce. Let Mr. Wonderful pay for 'em. OP, here's why you need an attorney and how to find one in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 05:58 PM
4

> My Ex is going for missed child support. The court is ruthless and effective about collecting child support. And the federal government incentivizes states to enforce CS, at the tune of billions of dollars in reimbirsements each year. Because taxpayers don't want to pay for your children when they claim SNAP and TANF benefits. It's been eight years dude. You need a higher paying job. A man's burden of performance never ends.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 05:38 PM
37

You obviously suspect her "works 12hr Sundays by choice" and her coming at 8pm are bullshit excuses to warrant posting here. Withdrawing money from a 401k for a boob job is at the top of the list of fiscally irresponsible ideas I've read. She's getting ready to divorce you. She's having sex, just not with you.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 05:36 PM
1

Go watch the video of the same title by Stephen Hayes. Or ignore it like you did the other ACT video I shared with you. If you can't fix yourself for you, then do it for your kiddo. You're setting a terrible example as a father being a misanthrope.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 03:30 PM
1

Not only did he marry the wrong woman, he married for the wrong reasons. He thought he was Captain Save-a-ho taking care of a woman who had no ongoing relationship with the three men she had children with. He didn't respect himself and couldn't enforce boundaries which is why she never respected him. He led with his little head instead of his big head.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 03:28 PM
2

Happiness is an empty promise.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 03:20 PM
1

Status quo is the greatest bias of the court. You've probably read plenty about child support and how it's the man that pays it. In reality, it's the moneyed parent that pays the other parent. So she will be paying you CS due to the disparity in your incomes. You'll also receive spousal support for a time. In terms of custody, NY judges avoid awarding 50% parenting time. That's ok, because 95% of divorces are finalized outside the courtroom. Hell, I never even met my judge and my then-wife accus…
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 03:13 PM
–

I'm eight years past my divorce. It's going to take you about a year to get through your reconstruction period. Holidays, birthdays and trips you take in the first twelve months are going to be "firsts" in your new life. Take the time to deal with the baggage for each, and you'll be in a better position a year from now. Like most men that post here, you probably don't really understand why your marriage failed. Take the time to educate yourself about intersexual dynamics. Two very important poin…
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 03:07 PM
1

How old is your daughter?
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 03:01 PM
2

Stop procrastinating and pull off the bandaid already. There will be plenty of time to sell the house as part of the divorce process. It's going to take you about a year after the divorce is final to get through reconstruction before you're ready to date. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce_before_dating/
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 02:59 PM
2

This is terrible advice. You specifically aren't ready to date because you're needy and desperate, both of which are huge turn offs for women. You specifically need to fix your misanthropic self before advising men what to do. Cause you're still broken four years after your divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 02:58 PM
3

I'm eight years past my divorce. This is the best advice I came across about reconstruction and dating after divorce. I hope it helps you too. https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce_before_dating/
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 02:55 PM
6

Here's the reality: You have to figure out how to parent your children 100% of the time. You've already seen that mothers will ghost their children for Mr. Wonderful. Mothers can also pick up a chemical dependency, become hospitalized, incarcerated and perish. Once you figure out how to parent your kids 100% of the time, then half the time is easy. If you can't do it all yourself, then hire some help from Care.com even if it's just to help you through the immediate future with your daughter.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 02:54 PM
3

If you do decide to get into another relationship, you will do it with eyes wide open. At least educate yourself about intersexual dynamics so you understand why your relationship failed. Women can achieve a level of indifference that’s foreign to most men’s idealistic concept of love. It'll help you understand why your ex would never apologize because in her mind she did nothing wrong.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 02:49 PM
3

It's been four years dude. You need to get out of your own head. No one can do that except you. Good luck. I've exhausted every bit of advice and life experience I can recommend to you.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 09:15 PM
1

Talk to the guy in the mirror. No one cares more about you than you. Following society's invisible scripts is why you got married, had a kid, and are a zombie. Start thinking for yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 07:57 PM
6

I donʼt know what to tell you because your beliefs are irrational. You need to dispute your beliefs, because they are not correct and itʼs causing you a lot of frustration and discomfort. Your problem solving organ, your brain, is working overtime telling you that life is awful. But your brain is not you, itʼs another one of your organs like your heart and lungs, itʼs job is problem solving. Connecting with that voice that is gloom and doom is what therapy is about - and getting a rational view …
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 04:00 PM
2

It's stress and pain because that's what you want it to be. So choose something different. You're the only one who is gonna change yourself. When you're sick and tired of being sick and tired, then you'll change. It's all up to you.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 03:54 PM
1

Next time your kiddo is with you, have a chat about that exchange. Find out the root of the issue. Don't make it about you or the mom. Your kid is a teenager with hormones that make them act unpredictable and wild. Find out what's really going on with them.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 03:53 PM
6

You were a white knight with a wallet. She never loved you with genuine desire. She loved what you provided.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 02:21 PM
2

Turned your 16yo against you how? Your child is nearing adulthood. Certainly you have taught your child about critical thinking skills, have you not?
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 02:17 PM
2

95% of divorces are settled outside of court. Every judge will order mediation because judges dont have the time nor inclination to hear every case. In my county, there are only 10 family law judges and they have a 6-8 week backlog. If they heard every case, it would be a year or longer before cases are heard. In terms of getting a job, her income can be imputed. You start with full-time minimum wage as a floor. If she's worked previously, then use that amount adjusted for inflation. If she was …
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 02:15 PM
2

Spousal support duration and amount is specific to each US state. Ask your attorney what to expect in your situation. Typical duration is for half the length of the marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 02:12 PM
3

The only thing you need saving from is self-limiting beliefs. Dude, we all went through the crucible of divorce. You aren't a failure because you got divorced -- you're human. Like the rest of us you gave more than you received, and you feel like she robbed something from you that only she can provide. That's the thing, happiness is sourced internally not from another. Overcoming problems is more influenced by mindset than skillset. Society doesn't care about you. Society doesn't care about your…
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 02:06 PM
9

The greatest revelation of my life is the day I realized no one is coming to save me.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 10:54 AM
4

What tools did your therapist provide you? If it's just laying on a couch rehashing, that's not gonna help you progress.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 02:51 AM
3

You don't become someone else after divorce. You become something more. We do not accept new mental models until we experience trauma. From an evolutionary perspective, being seventy percent good enough in our decisions is preferable to us expending more energy to be one hundred percent. This is why the concept of being zeroed out is perceived as so traumatic. If you’re unfamiliar with the term “zeroed out”, it refers to a life trauma that affects us in the same way a life or death situation doe…
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 10:09 PM
2

It's no one's business except your own. My divorce was nearly finalized before I informed my parents and siblings.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 10:05 PM
3

I'm eight years post-divorce. This is the best advice I've come across about reconstruction and dating after divorce. I hope it's a help to you too: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce_before_dating/
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 10:05 PM
1

Great point. Extralegal agreements are not enforceable by the court.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 06:06 PM
4

She didn't wake up suddenly one day and file for divorce. She's been planning it for months while getting advice from other divorced hens. Your wife is 10 steps ahead of you. Marriage counseling never works because genuine desire cannot be negotiated. Marriage takes two people working together in lock step. Divorce only takes one checked-out spouse. You'll have plenty of time to ruminate and educate yourself about intersexual dynamics after the divorce. For now, you need to accept you're divorci…
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 02:32 PM
6

Status quo is the greatest bias of the court. For every man screwed by the court, one-hundred men have screwed themselves. Financially men get screwed over because: Their wife didn't work. So the wife ends up with maximum spousal support. She sat around on her butt all day scrolling social media, then complains that she's bored when you get home after a long ass day of work. She cheats on you, and takes half the marital estate too. She was a spendthrift. You can see it in almost every story here…
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 02:26 PM
1

The judge spelled it out clearly for you. If you want anything you've left in the house, then you're gonna have to spell it out during mediation. From experience, don't be surprised if things important to you have mysteriously vanished. Unless you have a home inventory with photos you can use as a reference/proof, you're gonna be solely at her mercy. Which means you're shit out of luck in a high conflict divorce. Pragmatically, most of what you have in your house doesn't matter, like the 15 year…
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 08:07 PM
1

Referrals are the lifeblood of family law. One of the primary reasons you hire your attorney is because they have first-hand experience with the judge making rulings, they know the effective mediators and which GALs are a pain in the ass to work with. It's possible attorneys know each other, but there are orders of magnitude more attorneys in your county then there are those other roles. Most people wrongly assume that your attorney is going to get your divorce done in the most efficient way pos…
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 07:58 PM
1

> walking on proverbial eggshells That's a telltale sign your wife is BPD/NPD. You need to read the book "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder".
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 07:48 PM
2

The first step in solving problems is changing "I can't" to "How do I". You aren't in a unique situation for parenting time/child care, whether you work third shift or do extended shift work like firefighters. The money aspect of your marriage is straight forward. You add up all assets and liabilities, then divide by two. You each get half. It doesn't matter whose name is on the credit card or bank account. Your tax fraud will complicate establishing her income. You'll either need to hire a fore…
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 07:46 PM
1

Women and men think differently. We're focused on logic and reason rather than emotions and entitlement. Your only response to her is "I'll see you in court" or "Let's see what a judge says". That's assuming you've done a cost-benefit analysis where it's worth taking this to the judge, with the associated billable hours, rather than paying her off. During my divorce, my ex insisted that she wasn't going to move out until she found a new place to live. I offered her thousands of dollars to leave …
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 04:19 PM
2

Yep. I go into that a bit in the comments here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1qv0k8w/comment/o3jpfpp/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 03:59 PM
5

I divorced my then-wife over finances, amongst other things. She self-proclaimed being "frugal" while actually being a spendthrift. She's a clinician and made good money, but refused to contribute to retirement accounts or any big ticket items like replacing the HVAC, roof and siding. I paid the mortgage and utilities. I came up with a plan for our retirement because I didn't want to work until I was 72 or 77 like my parents. The kicker was when she told me "We'll never need $1mil to retire" whe…
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 03:03 PM
13

Women ask for the moon in divorce. Simply respond with "Let's see what a judge says" or "I'll see you in court". Going to trial is the fastest way to resolve divorce. I recommend it. Realistically, it'll be finalized outside of court. Sometimes that means at the 11th hour on the courthouse steps. In the US, the most common duration for support is half the duration of the marriage. Lifetime spousal support only exists in MA after 20 years of marriage, and in CA after 10 years. Spousal and Child S…
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 02:55 PM
1

Your divorce is as simple as it gets. Add up all marital assets and liabilities, then divide by two. You each get half. You can do this on the back of a napkin. The marital estate includes savings and debt accrued during your marriage. Any money or debt acquired before marriage is separate property. If you had a retirement account before marriage, then that portion is separate property and out of scope for divorce. The portion that accrued during the marriage is marital property, regardless whos…
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 02:23 PM
5

You say you're ready to move forward, but in my experience men try to fast track spousal replacement therapy way too soon. Are you dating because you fear being alone?
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 02:17 PM
8

Being divorced is not a big deal. In fact, it's a benefit since it's preselection for women: The fact that another woman committed to spending her life with you speaks volumes to your character. Being terrified about dating is a huge deal. The lack of confidence is a huge turn off for women, and you reek of it. You’re going to spend about 85 years with yourself. Learn to enjoy spending time alone. If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company. Don’t get into a relationship if you …
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 02:13 PM
4

Women can achieve a level of indifference that’s foreign to most men’s idealistic concept of love.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 02:09 PM
6

No. The inability to set and enforce boundaries is a huge contributor to divorce. You need to reset your mindset, else you're always going to be miserable in relationships. Go read "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" and implement the tools there.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 01:28 PM
13

Write it to get it out of your system. Then burn it. Here's the reality: Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. She's never going to apologize to you because in her mind she's done nothing wrong. It's impossible to convince her otherwise.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 08:23 PM
3

You can't "fix" a relationship because genuine desire cannot be negotiated.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 06:21 PM
6

Welcome. Every man contemplating divorce has had the same thoughts, including me. The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attraction, affection, respect and love that you enter into to make it easier for both of you get through life together. It’s like you become a team of horses, and you both help pull the wagon, and it’s easier with two than with one. But being yoked in a …
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 06:20 PM
3

About 2% of husbands are stay at home dads. There's nothing inherently wrong with that. However, a wife making higher income than the husband is a common precipitator for divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 04:30 PM
3

Stop caring how it makes you feel. You aren't some failure because you're receiving CS. It's not a sleight against you. Remember, it's for the benefit of your kids. Even if you can financially provide for your kids, you take the CS guilt free and put it aside for college.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 04:28 PM
11

This. She's pushing your buttons to get a reaction out of you. Any "friend" who gives it any weight wasn't ever your friend to begin with. People say mean shit to each other during divorce. The judge will not care.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 04:26 PM
4

Like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 04:25 PM
3

Before you get back into dating, you should be taking time for retrospection and reconstruction. If you don't truly understand why your relationship failed, then you're doomed to repeat it. Spend time educating yourself about intersexual dynamics.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 01:53 PM
7

You no longer fear being alone. You stop seeking validation from other people. You stop renting headspace to your ex.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 08:46 PM
1

Once you change your mindset from "I can't" to "How do I", you'll figure out how to solve your problems. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 08:36 PM
1

A 17 year marriage in CA is classified as "long term marriage". It means that there is no defined end-date paying her spousal support. Get familiar with the Gavron Warning and Order of Richmond. You can use Dissomaster to estimate how much you'll owe. On top of spousal support, she'll walk away with half the marital estate. Add up all marital assets and liabilities, then divide by two. You each get half. You need an attorney. Here's why and how to find one in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/…
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 08:28 PM
0

What tools has your therapist provided you? After three years, it seems like the therapist is primarily interested in generating billable hours. Let me explain: Therapy should be educational, not laying on the couch rehashing things of the past. Education you’d be willing to pay for. It should have a beginning, a middle and an end. There's an accessible form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) called Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT). It offers a toolbox to deal with all the bullshit …
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 05:15 PM
2

I'm eight years post-divorce. I've done my share of rumination. I spent a year reconstructing my life. From retrospective analysis about the red flags I ignored, identifying my habits that negatively impacted my relationship, and diving head first into intersexual dynamics. Then there were practical things like figuring out a new budget, navigating "firsts" with my kids like birthdays and holidays, strategizing how I was not gonna end up in the poor house in my 60s, and forging new friendships. …
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 05:01 PM
2

This will answer your questions about reconstruction and dating: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce_before_dating/
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 04:36 PM
2

I was with my wife for 24 years. I know it's scary, but you've got to become more comfortable with uncertainty. I took it day by day when I went through my divorce. Once the dust settles, you start reconstruction. The aftershocks of divorce are profound. You’re emotionally and psychologically stressed, and your entire future changes as well as most of your relationships. It takes time to figure out the new normal. If you haven't retained an attorney yet, here's why you need one and how to find o…
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 02:52 PM
1

Ownership of the house doesn't matter. What matters is living in the same school district as your children. I can't emphasize that enough. The number one issue fathers deal with post-divorce is the mother trying to move the children away. By living in their school district, you have the best possible leverage to maintain "in the best interest of the children". In my parenting plan, I explicitly insisted on a geographic restriction stipulation. As long as one parent lives in their school district…
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 02:45 PM
8

The fact that you "don't want to mess this up" is a clear indicator you have a scarcity mindset with women. You aren't ready to date. In fact, you're one blowjob away from clearing out closet space for this woman. You need to wait until after your divorce is final unless you want to pay thousands of dollars more for your divorce and have it take longer. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce_before_dating/
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 01:48 PM
3

If you didn't involve the police at the time of her DV against you, then you have nothing. All her asks are bullshit. Ignore them. Focus on the things that matter: 50% parenting time, paying for half of extracurriculars, education and medical. Split final decision making around healthcare and education amongst your children. For example, you have final healthcare for your oldest and final education for your youngest. She has final healthcare for your youngest, and final education for your oldest…
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 01:43 PM
1

I get it, my ex is the same way. Accept that you can't control her behavior. You can only control your reaction to her behavior. Don't let it disturb your peace. The important thing is that your kids are getting the healthcare they need. Once you register, you'll get automatic notifications every time your kids have an appointment.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 04:08 AM
1

Every medical office uses an online portal now. Get registered and you can see your kid's health records and appointments.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 03:35 AM
1

You don't have a unique situation. Plenty of shift workers -- pilots, clinicians, firefighters, etc -- have 50% parenting time. My ex is a shift worker. We have 50% parenting time. The actual days revolve around her work schedule. Talk to your attorney. They already have the parenting plan stipulations for situations like this.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 11:51 PM
1

Lots of things to cover here. Let me try to simply things. The inheritance accounts can be treated as separate property rather than marital property as long as you can demonstrate no marital funds have ever been transferred to those accounts. There will be a discovery process during divorce where you will have to show the entire history of these accounts. You will probably have to contact the financial institutions and pay them a meager amount to send you old statements you no longer have. Do no…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 11:43 PM
3

Reconstruction and dating is such a common question I wrote a reference post about it. https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce_before_dating/
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 08:39 PM
1

One year from when it's finalized. You really can't begin reconstruction when you're in the middle of divorce. Clean up one mess before you create another.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 07:33 PM
1

There are 3000 jurisdictions in the US. If people asked about specific areas or attorneys, it would drown out all the threads in this sub. The US makes up 77% of this sub's traffic, and Canada about 8%. Scale it for Canada and you see my point. If you want to find an effective attorney in your area, then read this: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 07:31 PM
1

2-2-3 and 2-2-5-5 is the same outcome: 50% parenting time. 2-2-3 is only for children 3 and under. Once the kids are older, 2-2-5-5 is better and once they are 7 years old 7-7 is the optimum schedule. The fewer the number of parenting time swaps, the less opportunity there is for conflict.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 07:29 PM
2

> she mentioned she “still loves me” "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is common rhetoric from women who are already seeing Mr. Wonderful. Marriage counseling is a waste of money, brains and time because genuine desire cannot be negotiated. You've already seen the results for yourself. Divorce only requires one dissatisfied spouse to initiate it. She's never going to apologize for her actions because in her mind she did nothing wrong. She's been planning this for months which is why she'…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 04:15 PM
3

Then you're definitely not ready because you still have a scarcity mindset. She isn't one in a million. She's one of a million.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 03:54 PM
3

Is your divorce final yet? This is the best advice I've come across about post-divorce reconstruction and dating: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce_before_dating/ That kept me from making huge mistakes with women before I sorted myself out.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 03:28 PM
2

Therapy should be educational, not laying on the couch rehashing things of the past. Education you’d be willing to pay for. It should have a beginning, a middle and an end. There's an accessible form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) called Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT). It offers a toolbox to deal with what you're going through. It can be as simple as putting a rubber band on your wrist, and snapping it while saying "Stop". The cost-benefit analysis tool can help you deal with …
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 02:03 PM
3

A child's choice is not presumptive in Kentucky. A judge may consider their choice, but the decision is ultimately based on "the best interest of the child".
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 12:26 PM
1

You need to wipe away your tears and get down to business. The first thing you need to understand is that your children are in real danger. Children of alcoholics are 4x as likely to have problems with alcohol themselves. You need to take action and have the mother removed from the children until the mother completes a court-recognized chemical dependency program like SMART Recovery. Until she's done that, and has passed random drug tests for a period of time, supervised parenting time is what i…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 12:23 PM
1

Here's your reality check: You don't have 50/50. You have a long distance parenting plan. You think pointing out some weak-ass shortcomings with the mother is going to magically award you "full custody". You have zero clue how this works. Here's the reality: 99% of the time you ever spend with your children is before they graduate high school. Once they're in college or employed full-time, you'll be lucky to see them a week a year. There's no making up time later. It's now or never. There's only…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 12:14 PM
2

> I’m not sure if having them going back and forth between homes will be stressful for them. Get over it. Kids going back and forth is normal. Kids are more resilient than you think.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 11:54 AM
2

Children of alcoholics have 4x the chance to have problems with alcohol themselves. It's not your problem to fix her. In fact there's no guarantee that she'll ever seek help. You finalize the agreement now so you can begin your year of peace. If she insists on spousal support, then you take it to trial and let a judge decide since you have nothing to lose. With her being an unfit mother and unable to parent, she'll be paying you CS.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 02:15 AM
1

Because of in-kind contributions from her parents. The state doesn't particularly care which party is providing support, just as long as it's not the taxpayers.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 01:53 AM
2

Finalize it. She's unfit. If she ever completes a court recognized chemical dependency program, then you can revisit starting with supervised parenting time. If she wants more than that, then she'll need to succeed at multiple random drug tests over a fixed period of time to see if she's been compliant.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 01:51 AM
2

The longer she stays in the house, the harder it will be to sell it. I guarantee you she is not spending any money for maintenance on the house. And at some point, something will break. Have any offers been made on the house at all? Is the price of the house above, at, or below other homes with similar comparables in the surrounding areas? You've only shared that there have been price reductions. We have no context if the previous prices were in line with your area. Ultimately you may have to se…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 01:11 AM
4

Or the mother just doesn't care. Some women want to be a mother for social status reasons, like wearing a Birkin handbag, not to actually take care of a child.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 12:41 AM
1

The mother has clearly demonstrated she will do nothing to stop her boyfriend's behavior. Now what?
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 12:20 AM
1

How do you propose the father establish a "hostile living environment" if the child refuses to talk to a mandatory reporter? Cause in my state there's no statute for what you're recommending, and no applicable case law matches in scholar.google.com.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 12:14 AM
-2

OP's son is not some helpless child. He's successfully navigated constant teenage peer pressure for several years already. It's obvious OP and his son have a solid relationship for OP to hear about the bullying. The only thing his son is confused about is the boyfriend's perceived position of authority. Ultimatums like the only issued by the boyfriend are declarations of powerlessness. The boyfriend can't do jack squat to reprimand OP's son without finding himself in a jail cell.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 12:06 AM
2

No one enjoys the thought that they gave up literal years of their life for someone else who ultimately made you feel insignificant and abandon your relationship like tossing trash in the bin. Some amount of retrospective analysis is inevitable. I did it too. Just don't take up residence there.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 11:20 PM
3

Has she completed a court-recognized chemical dependency program for her alcoholism? SMART Recovery is a well known and effective treatment for compulsive behaviors. And what is her drink of choice? Is your wife diagnosed with ADHD? If not, why was she prescribed the medication? I'm trying to understand the root of your "mental health" comments.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 11:12 PM
2

Agreed, keep the answers terse. No explanation is needed. It's even simpler though. You don't talk to your STBX unless it's about the day-to-day parenting of the children. Anything divorce related will be addressed during mediation or trial.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 11:07 PM
6

> Totally out of the blue For you. She's been thinking about it and planning it for months. By the time she told you, she's already conversed with a half dozen divorced hens who told her what to expect. She's 10 steps ahead. For what it's worth you can't ever "save" a relationship because genuine desire cannot be negotiated.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 11:05 PM
3

It depends what has been documented, if she's been under the treatment of a physician for it, or completed court-recognized chemical dependency program. The US does not punish parents for seeking out mental health care. In fact, the US loves a good rehabilitation story. Consider this - if seeking treatment resulted in a huge liability for future litigation, then who would seek treatment? Please help to remove the stigma of mental health treatment. As a society we want people to seek treatment, a…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 11:02 PM
7

Marriage counseling is a waste of time and money because genuine desire cannot be negotiated. You've found that out the hard way. I did too. What is your wife's chemical dependency?
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 10:58 PM
3

There's exactly one state in the US that allows a child's choice to be presumptive, at age 14.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 10:56 PM
-4

OP's son is going to deal with many assholes in his lifetime. He needs to self-advocate.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 10:55 PM
1

Certainly you've have conversations with your son about being bullied by kids at school. That same advice applies to her boyfriend. Just because the boyfriend is an adult doesn't change a thing. The boyfriend is not a party to the divorce. Until he lays a hand on your child, you have little recourse. Being mean or an asshole is not legal grounds to take action. Teach your son critical thinking skills. If he feels like his safety is at risk, then he can report it to his teacher. As a mandatory re…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 09:59 PM
1

Look, I know it sucks. But you need some perspective. You aren't financially ruined at age 24 like you would be if you divorced at 54. Your best earning years are ahead of you. The positive about your divorce: You've learned a valuable life lesson about women and marriage. If you choose to get married again, you'll be doing it with eyes wide open. You think other people have time to think about you and judge? The reality is they have their own problems to worry about. Go read up about the Dartmo…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 09:52 PM
1

Part of divorce is the discovery process where she provides all of her financial information to you, including pay stubs/W2. If you have that information, then file jointly. If you don't, then file separately.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 08:53 PM
2

Your daughter may never fully understand what you've accomplished on her behalf. As a dad of two kids, I totally get it. And my hat is off to you. Thank you for being here and helping other men through their struggles.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 08:47 PM
3

Ask any man who has gone through the divorce and paid their attorney's bill: Every dollar was worth it for the peace of mind it provides. I spent $24k on my divorce and got a final agreement signed in 6.5 months. That was versus a mother who claimed I did nothing in the relationship for the kids, and tried moving 700 miles away. That was eight years ago. I ended up with 50% parenting time, $0 CS and $0 SS. 50% parenting time should be your hill to die on. Child Support is a standard calculation.…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 08:42 PM
3

In Georgia you can expect to pay her spousal support for one-third the duration of the marriage. That's on top of the child support which is a standard calculation based on incomes. Since she hasn't worked, you will either impute her income at full-time minimum wage or perform a vocational evaluation if she has a college degree she isn't using. All of the home equity and money in retirement accounts that accrued during the marriage is a marital asset. If you owned your home or established financ…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 08:35 PM
2

I don't know if you're aware, but either parent can petition the court to implement standard CS calculations and the court will always agree. There's two reasons: Judged are elected. Taxpayers don't like paying for other people's children via SNAP, TANF, etc. They expect the parents to pay for it, and will enforce CS to ensure taxpayers are reimbursed. Federal gov't financial incentives. About two-thirds of each state's Child Support Enforcement Agency administrative costs are recouped through C…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 08:25 PM
3

> I have full intentions on moving back closer to my kids The court doesn't care what your intentions are. It matters what you do. You can't have 50% parenting time when you live an hour away from their school district. It's just not practical spending four hours a day traveling back and forth. You need to move back to their school district. Do that before you finalize your parenting agreement. Trying to change your parenting agreement after divorce will require multiples of time, attention and …
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 08:14 PM
13

Your wife is insufferable. She's striving for a gold medal in Competitive Victimhood for the Oppression Olympics. The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 08:09 PM
2

Heh, good job dude. She probably thinks she doesn't owe you SS while she is unemployed. In reality, she owes you until she obtains a temporary order saying otherwise. She is going to lose her mind when that day comes. Is she current with her support payments to you? If not, when this eventually gets in front of a judge make sure her wages are garnished to ensure you are paid.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 05:02 PM
1

The most straightforward way: You stipulate it in the MSA. If you don't have that stipulation, then you roll the dice and file for a support adjustment after the required time has passed (2-3 years). At a minimum it'll increase due to COLA.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 04:57 PM
1

Instead of paying for health insurance, she'll use that money take you to court and modify the MSA to ensure health insurance coverage 100% of the time. The judge will order it "in the best interest of the children". Judges also order stuff like this because of politics. Taxpayers don't want to be picking up the tab for somebody else's children.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 04:13 PM
8

Yeah, I get it. She didn’t want me, but she sure is happy to take my money while I finance her new relationship. She's a Strong Independent Woman** **Financing Required
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 03:54 PM
6

If you agreed to cover health insurance in your final agreement, the hard truth is you're on the hook for it. Doesn't matter if she's an entitled brat. Doesn't matter if you're employed or not. If you're in the US, COBRA lasts 18 months. She could file a motion to compel with the court, and you'd be responsible for paying her legal fees.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 03:52 PM
6

now she wants half the equity out of the home She's only entitled to half the equity that was earned during marriage. The equity earned before you got married is separate property. I was in the same position as you. My six years of equity (including the down payment) was treated as separate property not marital property. Same applied to my retirement/investment accounts.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 03:48 PM
4

Don't mistake someone's highlight reel as reality. Neediness and validation are your kryptonite. It's a huge turn-off for women. And you reek of it. If you don't have confidence in yourself, no one else will. Most men here, including myself, have wrestled with exactly what you're going through. I'm eight years post-divorce and living my best life. This is what I recommend to you: You’re going to spend about 85 years with yourself. Learn to enjoy spending time alone. If you are lonely when you ar…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 03:27 PM
11

Every state allows CS to be recalculated after a period of time (2-3 years), or certain stipulations are met (like income changing 15% or more). In terms of her making less income, you need to impute her income to a value she has the ability to earn. If she chooses to work less, that's a choice. You don't get penalized for that. You will need to work with an attorney and have a vocational evaluation performed. The cost-benefit usually works out in your favor since you save more from reduced CS. …
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 01:59 PM
1

Correct, adultery can deny SS but that depends on the state. OP didn't lead with that so I assumed it wasn't in scope for him. Adultery has no direct influence with parenting time. Only issues like a chemical dependency or abuse are factors for limiting/supervising parenting time. Status quo is the greatest bias of the court. If OP did the heavy lifting with the children because the mother was traveling often to see her paramour, then the judge would order for the same to continue post-divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 01:54 PM
1

If she's the moneyed spouse, then you get SS. Depends on your state and the length of your marriage, but it's typically for half the duration of the marriage. Long-term marriages (10+ years) have longer SS durations in some states like CA and MA. In a select few states, if you were the moneyed spouse, then she would not be eligible for SS if at-fault adultery is filed/proven. At-fault has nothing to do with your or her ability to parent your children. You aren't getting primary custody because s…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 01:48 PM
1

I'm eight years post-divorce. It takes time to figure out the new normal and adjust your schedule. For the first year you're going to be dealing with a host of "firsts": Holidays, birthdays, vacations, parent-teacher conferences, extracurriculars, etc. You can't make more time in the day, so you've got to prioritize what's important. It's personal calculus only you can figure out. I changed jobs six months after divorce to provide me more flexibility. That also allowed me to grow my income 50% a…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 01:42 PM
3

The only reason you should consider pursing an at-fault divorce is if you strongly suspect your wife of dispersing marital funds to the paramour. It'll require hiring a forensic accountant which is several thousand dollars. So you need to look through your past financial statements to see if there are obvious distributions -- gifts, travel costs, etc -- that would warrant hiring that accountant. If you do find something, at the end of the day all it means is that amount will be fully deducted fr…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 10:57 AM
4

Your story is the same as most men that find themselves here. You aren't appreciated for everything you've done. In fact, you're told you didn't do anything. That's called gaslighting. My ex did it to me. Don't ever expect your wife to snap out of it, because her feelings matter more than the objective truth. Cohabitating is expected during divorce. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/ You need to find and retain an attorney. Here's why …
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 10:48 AM
5

Get a hobby and forge new friendships. Do the things you always wanted to do during marriage but didn't/couldn't. I play billiards and go hiking, both of which have turned into great social circles. I did neither while I was married. It took me about a year to get through my reconstruction post-divorce. You’re going to spend about 85 years with yourself. Learn to enjoy spending time alone. If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company. Don’t get into a relationship if you aren’t c…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 10:44 AM
15

Marriage counseling is a waste of time because genuine desire cannot be negotiated. There's no saving a marriage once someone decides they want out. You need to accept you're divorcing. The first step is to retain an attorney. Here's why and how to find one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 10:40 AM
1

Here's how to find an attorney in your area, and why you need one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 10:37 AM
2

I get what you're saying about the heavy lifting. It was tough when they were young. I wouldn't trade it for anything though. My kids are 15 and 19 now. My oldest is doing online college at home, but he's got a full-time job and a girlfriend. I'm lucky if we get to do dinner one time a week. And that's the thing. 99% of the time you spend with your kids is before they graduate high school. After that you're lucky to get a week each year where they visit you. I've been able to cultivate a relatio…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 03:17 AM
1

It's ironic. She had to switch jobs during the divorce and she ended up making ever so slightly more than me because of it. Since she technically had a higher income, she agreed to no CS or SS even though I could have pushed for it if I wanted to be spiteful (she would have had to pay me). I didn't want SS to be anywhere in the agreement because I knew I was going to switch jobs after the divorce. Five years post divorce and my income increased by 50% but she doesn't know that. She hasn't petiti…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 01:15 AM
2

Stop asking a bunch of non-lawyers for legal advice. You need to retain an attorney and ask him these questions. Here's the best advice you're gonna find about how to find an effective attorney: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 12:38 AM
2

> Recently my GF and I have been having issues that steam from her wanting more from the relationship What do *you* want? That's what matters. Your girlfriend isn't one in a million. She's one of a million. If your girlfriend is not in lock step with you, find someone else who is.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 09:50 PM
2

I was with my wife for 24 years and I went through the same mindset you're in now. I can't even remember the specific conversation, but there was a moment when I thought *That's it, I'm done*. From there, I initiated divorce. The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attraction, affection, respect and love that you enter into to make it easier for both of you get through life …
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 09:48 PM
2

You can't control her behavior. You can only control your reaction to her behavior. There's a famous quote from Seneca, a famous Stoic: "We suffer more often in imagination than in reality”. Your wife knows how to push your buttons because you're allowing her to rent space in your head. She's wound you up and its entertainment for her to see you squirm like this. Ignore her. Have you retained an attorney yet?
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 06:33 PM
1

How long have you been married and if you're in the US, which state are you in? That matters for your spousal support question. You can live in the marital residence until the divorce is final. It's not too late to move back in. Here's why you want to do that, and how: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/ You need to retain a family law attorney. Do not take legal advice from your ex. She doesn't have your best interest in mind. Here's why you need …
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 06:26 PM
2

> My main question is, what should I do next. You must take immediate action while she is in the hospital for her 72 hour involuntary observation. You go to your county's website and download the form for the Temporary Protective Order or Temporary Restraining Order (the name depends on the state). You fill it out. You explicitly state you are fearful for your safety and the safety of your children. You then file it ex parte, which is a fancy word for "emergency without the other party present".…
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 06:22 PM
1

> I am use to covering extracurricular cost prior to the seperation. That was a perk of marriage. The marriage is over. Stop falling on your sword. She's a grown ass adult and can take care of herself, and the kids. You have multiple children. Expect to have at least one child you deduct from your taxes. Don't expect to have all of your children for it. Again, healthcare insurance will be split between the two parents. One simply reimburses the other. Don't overthink it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 04:44 PM
3

Everyone on this sub that was blindsided by divorce ignored red flags during their marriage. I certainly did. You even admit it. We do stupid things for love, and pay the price for it. Divorce is a crucible that will forever change you. I can tell you as someone eight year post-divorce, life gets better. I'm living my best life. I've made more money between getting a better job and investments than I lost in the divorce. And my children are maturing into fine young men.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 04:41 PM
1

Here's how you find an attorney in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 04:35 PM
3

She didn't "forget" about the third therapy session. Marriage counseling is a WOMBAT: waste of money brains and time. Why? Because genuine desire cannot be negotiated. Think about it: How is seeing a counselor together going to improve anything? The marriage counselor industry success rate speaks for itself. It's also female-centric, because the moment the woman stops attending the counseling is over. Women attend counseling to validate their viewpoints and put the burden of the relationship on …
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 04:33 PM
1

Debt that is in one person's name is still marital debt. That debt will go on the side of the ledger belonging to the individual. So if she wracked up $35k, half of that is hers and half is his. She's going to get $17.5k in other marital assets to balance out keeping all that debt after the divorce. Yeah it's messed up.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 04:31 PM
2

The only money he can realistically expect to get back is any money his wife spent on a paramour, including travel to see him, gifts, etc. It's gonna cost OP to hire a forensic accountant to figure out how much she spent on Mr. Wonderful.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 04:29 PM
6

Here's why you need an attorney and how to find one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 04:27 PM
4

50% parenting time. $0 CS, $0 SS.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 04:25 PM
3

You can't control her behavior. You can only control your reaction to her behavior. How much is rent inside your head? Because you're still renting headspace to your ex. It's time to evict her. You don't ever have to inform the other parent you aren't taking your child to an extracurricular activity. It's right there in the name: Extra. Nothing trumps parenting time. So your son could have been 100% healthy and you could have chosen not to take him.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 04:24 PM
1

It's called winning. I have 50% parenting time, pay no CS and no SS. I also have a geographic restriction in place that keeps my children attending the same schools they're in as long as one parent lives in the school district. So I never have to worry about a move-away.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 09:11 PM
5

Don't overthink serving her. Just follow the standard process your attorney recommends. > I feel like such a fucking failure Stop placing the sole burden on yourself. It takes two to make a relationship work.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 07:39 PM
1

I see the disconnect. If one parent wants to move away from the child, that's where the court cannot prevent it. It's only if one parent tries to move away with the child.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 06:18 PM
1

> How did you know when it was time to stop trying and accept it was over? When I posted here. You already know what you need to do. You don't need another person's permission. You already know that marriage counseling is a WOMBAT: waste of money brains and time. That's because genuine desire cannot be negotiated. The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attraction, affection…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 06:07 PM
1

What's your court date for? To establish temporary support or is it a final hearing? Are you represented by an attorney?
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 03:20 PM
1

> State law prohibits a move of more than 100 miles or to another state even if less than 100 miles, unless a judge has approved it. You don't understand the reality. A US judge cannot force a parent to move back to an area. That would be a violation of the mother's Constitutional rights. All the judge can do is to enforce a long-distance parenting plan if one parent moves a certain distance away. In some states that's 100 miles or 150 miles. What you want in your agreement is a geographic restr…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 03:14 PM
1

Most of your agreement is unenforcable bullshit that doesn't matter. And it doesn't cover the basics that your state requires. Divorce is not the time to DIY. Parenting plans are two parts: Custody and finances. Custody: It's great you're agreeing to week-on week-off. The primary caregiver stuff during basketball season wording isn't enforceable. There's no reason why the mother can't parent during that time. Giving the mother all the parenting time during school breaks is ridiculous. The way yo…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 03:05 PM
2

The cost of lawyers present a financial issue to every man here. Like every other problem in life you encounter, you’ll need to figure out how to solve it. If you think an attorney is expensive, then you haven’t looked at child support or spousal support, or how much it takes to raise a child. If your only reason for not hiring an attorney is to save money, you are wrong. Change your thinking from "I can't afford a lawyer" to "How do I afford a lawyer?” Why hasn't a final hearing been scheduled …
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 02:52 PM
1

My divorce wasn't amicable at all. She wanted to move 700 miles away with my children. The quickest resolution to divorce is to head straight for a final hearing. That's the only reason my second mediation was successful. Trial was scheduled six weeks after it. There's nothing more motivating than having a stranger in robes make life altering decisions on your behalf to get your wife to come to her senses long enough to make a deal. From the point of her being served to a signed agreement was 6.…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 02:38 PM
1

The agreement can be whatever the two of you agree upon. But you aren't thinking things through if you want each of you to pay for activities only you sign up your kids for. All that means is the mother will never sign your kids up for anything, and will tell your kids "Get your dad to do it, he makes more than me". In terms of taxes, you'll split your children down the middle when it comes to claiming them. If there are an odd number of children, then you alternate during odd and even years who…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 02:34 PM
3

Working out. Focusing on hobbies. Forging new friendships. I'm eight years post-divorce and living my best life. This is the most useful info I found about reconstruction and dating post-divorce. Hope you find it helpful: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce_before_dating/
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 02:31 PM
4

It sounds like you hired a mediator, not a litigator. There's a huge difference between the two. There are two kinds of family law attorneys: Litigators and mediators. Your attorney has one job, to litigate: Trial experience, deposition ability, attention to detail and civil procedure. The ability to litigate is the greatest defining factor of an attorney. You want someone who has taken their client's goals all the way to the judge, with the ability to present your matter with persuasion and rat…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 04:15 AM
1

A couple of things. Your state may use "visitation" but it's outdated. You need to get in the habit of saying "parenting time". You don't visit your kids, you *parent* them. The distinction is wildly important. You need to stop falling on your sword when it comes to financial support. The mother is a grown ass adult and can take care of herself. She is quite capable of financially supporting your children as well as you. With that in mind, you should be paying 50% of the costs for: * Education. …
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 04:01 AM
3

Therapy should be educational, not laying on the couch rehashing things of the past. The right therapy is educational - education you’d be willing to pay for. It should have a beginning, a middle and an end. There's an accessible form of Cognitive Behavorial Therapy (CBT) called Rational Emotive Behavorial Therapy (REBT). It offers a toolbox to deal with what you're going through. It can be as simple as putting a rubbing band on your wrist, and snapping it while saying "Stop". The cost-benefit a…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 03:47 AM
6

"I love you but I'm not in love with you" is also another telltale sign.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 12:23 AM
7

Stop worrying about telling people. It's none of their business. I didn't tell my parents or siblings until very late in my divorce. The world turned out just fine. It's gonna take you a while to process and accept this, but there's nothing she can ever say to fully address your "why?". The short of it is this: Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. For whatever reason, she isn't attracted to you any more. There's nothing you can do to save your marriage. Marriage requires two committed people wor…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 12:03 AM
2

Process serving is a standard process. It can be done through various channels: Mail (including UPS/FedEx), email, and the local sheriff. Don't worry about executing it. That's why you've got an attorney engaged. Even if one method fails, or all methods fail, there's a process for that as well. Once she's been served, what are the rules for your state about the return of the children to their home? Your attorney is familiar with the specifics.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 09:15 PM
4

When will she be served divorce papers? That's your relief. The longer you go without her being served, the less leverage you have getting your kids returned to their home. Status quo is the greatest bias of the court. Most if not all states prevent parties from moving children out of their jurisdiction. She hasn't established residency yet, which takes an average of six months (depends on the state, some are faster or slower). So you need to get on top of this ASAP. Your ex parte filing failed …
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 09:05 PM
3

> Divorce doesn’t just split a marriage. It reshuffles social gravity. Some people get uncomfortable around it. Divorce is social kryptonite. Married couples don't want to be around friends going through divorce because they don't want to confront their own insecurities in their own marriage. Divorce is contagious. All it takes is one divorced hen whispering to other women for the avalanche to start.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 08:44 PM
2

Divorce is like radiation: It takes time, distance and shielding. I wasn't kidding when I said it took me about a year. You'll be dealing with "firsts" all over again, especially if you have kids: Holidays, vacations, birthdays, etc. Given your handle, have you ever explored mindful meditation? There's guided meditation apps like Calm if you're new to it. Alot of post-divorce reconstruction is dealing with unlearning self-limiting beliefs. Meditation can help you create a pause in your thought p…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 07:57 PM
1

Have you got a gym partner? A group of guys you collaborate with to push you and meet your goals? Take whatever your other interests are and cultivate them in the same way. That's where friendships are forged.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 07:48 PM
1

Did you ever live alone before you got together with your ex wife? Even if it's not a new skill set for you, it's one you're brushing off and it takes time to figure out the new normal. You’re going to spend about 85 years with yourself. Learn to enjoy spending time alone. If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company. Don’t get into a relationship if you aren’t comfortable living alone. You must become independent before you can become interdependent again.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:13 PM
7

Any "friend" who ditched you after the divorce was never really your friend to begin with. They were just an acquaintance. What are your hobbies?
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:00 PM
1

The taxman doesn't care who pays, just that it gets paid. Say you have $50k in marital assets, including the checking account used to pay tax bills. If the tax bill is $5k, then you have $45k remaining. When your divorce is finalized, you'll each get half of the marital estate. That means she's paid for half the tax bill. That applies for everything else that needs to get done to the house like maintenance, or improvements if you're planning to sell it. During my divorce, I did all of the mainte…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 04:09 PM
3

I'm in the US, but not Indian. Your situation isn't unique to your culture. Every wife blames their husband for the failed marriage. Take some time and read through this sub, especially the first posts from men. They all have the same stigma you're describing because they place the burden of success for marriage solely on their shoulders. The truth is, marriage requires two committed people working together in lockstep to succeed.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 04:00 PM
1

This is gonna be a long response. You need to unpack a couple of things. Regarding marriage: The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attraction, affection, respect and love that you enter into to make it easier for both of you get through life together. It’s like you become a team of horses, and you both help pull the wagon, and it’s easier with two than with one. But being …
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 03:52 PM
1

Divorce is like radiation: Time, distance and shielding is needed. It took me about a year to get through reconstruction post-divorce. This is the best advice I've come across about it: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce_before_dating/ Focus on the last part of that advice. I'm eight years post-divorce and living my best life. You're also under no obligation to remain in your current city since you have no children. At 30 years old, your lif…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 03:29 PM
7

Comms with my ex are written only. I haven't seen her in more than a year. No reason to do things face to face, especially when it's going to cause drama. You need to learn how to set and enforce boundaries. There's a great book called "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" that can help you. It was a great resource for me.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 02:46 PM
4

Change up how you're meeting women. Aside from maybe Duet, the dating apps suck. Having a shared interest or hobby is a good place to start.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 02:42 PM
3

There's a simple tool you can use when you start that glum introspection. Wear a rubber band around your wrist. Snap it and say "stop". It takes some time to build that habit/reaction, but it works well.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 02:38 PM
1

What's ridiculous are the formulas based on parenting time, and there's no accounting for how the money is spent. Otherwise CS is fine. Taxpayers understandably don't want to pay for other people's kids.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 02:35 PM
2

It's cultural, likely an arranged marriage. I don't get it myself, but I've seen situations like this before.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 03:37 AM
3

I'm eight years post-divorce. It took me about a year to get through my reconstruction period. Invest one year into yourself for self-discovery, renovation and revitalization. Find things that you've always wanted to do, learn and experience and enjoy those things for a year. Develop your skills and knowledge in these things (rock climbing, playing a musical instrument, billiards, etc) and you'll find yourself making more time for them. If you do that well, you’ll have the foundation for a lifet…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 03:32 AM
3

Two tools: Radio silence. You don't speak to the mother unless it's about parenting the children. Indifference. You can't control her behavior. You can only control your reaction to her behavior. That's Stoicism 101. Divorce is a business transaction. Treat it as such. I spent 12 months living with her while going through this process. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. It's difficult. Divorce is a full-time job. But it also guaranteed my desired outcomes with custody and finances.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 03:26 AM
2

Here's how to find a good attorney which addresses many related questions: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ You've probably thought about moving out during the divorce. Don't. It's a fatal mistake. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/ Do not tell your wife you are seeing an attorney. And once she's been served, you do not discuss your tactics and strategies with her. Ever …
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 03:20 AM
3

Marriage counseling is a WOMBAT: waste of money brains and time. Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. How is seeing a counselor together going to improve anything? The marriage counselor industry success rate speaks for itself. It's also female-centric, because the moment the woman stops attending the counseling is over. Women attend counseling to validate their viewpoints and put the burden of the relationship on their husband to fix. Your wife will never come to her senses because she believes…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 03:04 AM
1

How did your consultation go?
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 01:32 AM
1

During my divorce I had to learn how to set and enforce boundaries. Saying "no" was not something that came naturally to me. There's a book called "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" that turned on the light bulb for me. I highly recommend you read it. It'll provide you tools to be comfortable saying "no". The best way to see their bluff is to respond "Then I'll see you in court" or "Let's see what the judge says". It's highly effective. Also, you have to know what you want. Don't be distracted by her…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 01:23 AM
2

No worries friend. We're all just trying to help the other men here.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 12:23 AM
2

Yeah I fixed the typo. Appreciate it!
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 12:11 AM
2

Whoops, fixed. Thanks!
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 12:10 AM
6

It can be simplified even further: You can't control her behavior. You can only control your reaction to her behavior. That's Stoicism 101.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 11:52 PM
2

Dude, thanks for sharing. That's some next level hell. You're an amazing dad and your daughter is lucky to have you.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 09:37 PM
1

When you say "lost custody" you mean she doesn't have final decision making authority, right? I also assume you mean the mother has supervised parenting time.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 08:36 PM
2

Her voluntary unemployment is not leverage. Her income can and will be imputed at the highest annual amount she's made in the past several years. And she won't be able to argue that amount away because it's already documented in tax returns. If she's underemployed (like a college degree she's never used), then OP can have a vocational evaluation ordered to impute income that way. The only leverage he has right now is her mental health. Whether or not he takes action about it will significantly c…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 08:01 PM
5

Great point, OP needs to file in GA to avoid that nightmare. In Georgia, the standard is one-third the duration of the marriage even if it's more than 10 years.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 07:46 PM
6

Correct, Georgia will maintain status quo once the divorce has been formally filed. GA implements a mutual restraining order to the parties. The kids will continue to live where they are and attend the same schools. The long term issue OP has to deal with is a move-away post divorce. He's being offered custody on a silver platter because of her mental illness, but only if he takes immediate action.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 07:43 PM
2

If your main concern is money, your priorities need rearranging. The safety and future wellbeing of your children is at stake with a drunken mother threatening to self-delete. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4407682/
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 07:38 PM
2

TPO = Temporary Protective Order
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 07:31 PM
2

You're already in war, but you don't realize it. You're losing right now. The only way she loses parental rights is if she voluntarily gives them up. Stop with the excuses. You need to take immediate action for the sake of your daughter.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 07:25 PM
6

I am acutely familiar with Georgia. Here are two resources to get started: How and why you need a family law attorney. https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ Do not voluntarily move out of your house. This will explain why and address your question about the court ordering it: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/ Read those immediately. Then your next task is to retain an attorney immediate…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 07:23 PM
2

There's light at the end of the tunnel but it sure can be hard to see some days. Divorce was the second worst traumatic experience of my life. I'm eight years post-divorce and living my best life. I couldn't imagine still being married to my ex. The sense of peace you'll cultivate post-divorce cannot be matched.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 07:10 PM
6

If you're in the US, what state are you in? Marriage counseling is the bargaining phase and it's a WOMBAT: waste of money brains and time. How is seeing a counselor together going to improve anything? The marriage counselor industry success rate speaks for itself. It's also female-centric, because the moment the woman stops attending the counseling is over. Women attend counseling to validate their viewpoints and put the burden of the relationship on their husband to fix. You've seen this first …
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 07:05 PM
1

Meditation is the most common alternate dispute resolution. Every judge will order mediation (or it's equivalent) because there simply aren't enough judges to go around. In my county, there are 10 family law judges and there's a 6-8 week backlog to get on the docket. And that's with 95% of divorces being settled outside of court. It may seem odd, but scheduling a final hearing is the fastest option to finalize a divorce. And most often it's the cheapest way to get it done. Because the fear, unce…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 05:24 PM
1

Looks like we'll never know since OP deleted his account.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 05:09 PM
1

Negotiating child support isn't a realistic strategy. Even if you and the mother agree to less or no CS, she can petition the court to enforce the CS standards for your state. And the court will always oblige because the state receives financial incentives from the federal government to do so. The amount depends on each state, but it's something like two-thirds of child support enforcement agency administrative fees are paid by the federal government.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 04:31 PM
3

Would you mind sharing more details about her mental health and what you did to document it? Your advice can help other men going through similar issues. I'm assuming your eldest child is an adult since only your youngest child is in scope for custody. Was the mother involuntarily hospitalized for psychiatric observation? (5150 in the US, may be called something different in Canada.)
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 04:26 PM
7

Winner winner chicken dinner! Take time to celebrate this awesome victory. It sounds like you were provided some great advice, and have an unwavering mindset about your situation. In the US, every state is a no-fault state. It's been that way since 1970. It's actually quite uncommon to divorce on any other grounds.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 04:22 PM
1

The best relationships are those where the men lead and the woman is a compliment to his life rather than the centerpiece. Because what's good for him is what's good for the family. Placing women on a pedestal is a common reason why men end up here. It was certainly true for me, and for hundreds of divorcing men I've worked with.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 04:17 PM
2

Amen. I'm eight years post-divorce and I'm living my best life. I'd likely be dead by now if I hadn't divorced her, either from a heart attack, aneurysm or self-deletion.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 04:14 PM
1

Precisely. You can't control her behavior. You can only control your reaction to her behavior. Indifference is your greatest tool against her. That's Stoicism 101. Living together during the divorce is common and provides you the best possible outcome. I did it for twelve months. You can too.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 04:11 PM
1

You're a step ahead of most men that come here. Being able to establish and enforce boundaries is essential for an equitable divorce outcome. Otherwise you'll get steamrolled during mediation negotiations. When I started my divorce, I wasn't comfortable saying "no" to my then wife. Thankfully someone suggested the book "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" which turned things around for me. I ended my divorce with 50% parenting time, no CS and no SS. About as good as it gets.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 04:07 PM
1

If couples could work together that well, they wouldn't be posting in this sub. Both parties not being represented by an attorney is a huge mistake. It leaves the door open for her to motion the court to set aside the agreement because of duress, "I didn't know what I was signing" or other BS excuses. You want results, not a bargain. Kids are expensive AF. If OP doesn't have the money for an attorney, how are they gonna pay spousal and child support, pay for their own living expenses, medical an…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 04:06 PM
3

Underrated comment. So many men come here thinking they can have an "amicable divorce" or "uncontested divorce". Falling on your sword is how men get the every-other-weekend custody screwjob, and pay 100% of medical and extracurricular on top of child and spousal support.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 03:55 PM
1

You have one chance to get custody right. Once parenting plan has been finalized, trying to change it later is orders of magnitude more money, time and attention assuming you even have a legal standing for the modification. Attorneys have spent eight years in school and another couple of years being an associate to gain their expertise. Not only that, they know your judge, the GALs, and mediators. So you're not just paying for expertise but their relationships. Attorneys are also an officer of t…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 03:52 PM
6

That's good news. Because you've made a fatal mistake by moving out. But it's fixable. Here's why and how: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/ Report back once you've moved back in.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 02:48 PM
1

Sounds like to me you had mediators not litigators. Let me explain. There are two kinds of family law attorneys: Litigators and mediators. Your attorney has one job, to litigate: Trial experience, deposition ability, attention to detail and civil procedure. The ability to litigate is the greatest defining factor of an attorney. You want someone who has taken their client's goals all the way to the judge, with the ability to present your matter with persuasion and rational arguments. An attorney …
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 02:46 PM
1

Doesn't matter. Mediators have one job: To finalize an agreement. They do that by leaning on the weaker party. So don't be the weaker party. I put together some mediation tips you might find helpful: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1qv0k8w/fundamentals_tips_for_meditation/
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 02:43 PM
1

> How does her business (or value of her business) get factored in when dividing up assets? You need an unbiased third-party accountant to do the financial valuation of the business. Your attorney can provide you a referral. If you don't have an attorney yet, here's why you need one and how to find one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ Whatever inheritance you didn't keep separate is now a marital asset. Marriage counseling is a W…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 02:41 PM
2

You're needlessly overcomplicating things, and you're letting your emotions get in the way of taking action. Using an attorney to complete a divorce is standard practice. She needs to be served. Read why here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 02:36 PM
3

You need to stop renting headspace to her. What hobbies do you have?
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 02:34 PM
3

> We both can't afford lawyers. You can't afford not to have an attorney. You need to change your mindset from "I can't" to "How do I". Not just for this challenge, but for the future challenges you face. Here's how to find an attorney, and why you need one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 02:32 PM
2

Need more information from you. Where are you in the divorce process? Have you completed discovery? What about mediation? How has your current attorney defended you/addresses these motions?
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 02:30 PM
3

Where are you in the divorce process? Is it finalized? Do you have a court-recognized parenting agreement in place?
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 02:27 PM
2

> Your daughter was excited yesterday but now she's not According to his ex. He hasn't spoken to his daughter.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 02:26 PM
1

Where to start: Don't move out before divorce is final. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/ How to find an attorney, and why you need one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ Ask your questions.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 02:25 PM
1

I asked a question about your attorney. What did he say advise about the vexatious litigation?
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 12:21 AM
1

It's not sad. It's freedom.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 12:20 AM
1

Were each of you represented by separate attorneys, or do you think you were represented by her attorney? Cause what you've shared doesn't add up.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 12:19 AM
3

*In a Christoph Waltz German accent* That's a Bingo! The $50B+/year Divorce Industrial Complex protects its own.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 11:21 PM
1

For every man screwed by an attorney, one hundred men have screwed themselves. Many men think finding an attorney is like ordering a pizza. It's far more involved. It's why I wrote a fundamental reference article how to find one and why you need one. And no, I'm not an attorney but I've worked with hundreds of men going through divorce during and after my own. https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ With divorce you want results, not a b…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 11:08 PM
3

The greatest revelation in my life is when I fully realized and accepted that no one is coming to save me. A man's burden of performance never ends.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 11:00 PM
5

You have a seriously healthy attitude post-divorce. I hope the other men here read it and take it to heart. They certainly need it.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 10:46 PM
2

Post-divorce is the time to reconstruct yourself. Just make sure you're doing this because it's a smart financial decision that will reap dividends, rather than just flexing your decision making muscle now that your ex isn't around. Post divorce I needed alot of money to make up for the half of my retirement account she got in the settlement. Five years post-divorce and I was making 50% more income. The motivation not to spend my retirement in the poor house is strong.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 10:41 PM
2

> What can I expect in the next weeks months of emotions? A rollercoaster. Some days will be crippling doubt, regret and "what ifs". Other days you'll come to your senses and realize reconciliation was never possible because genuine desire cannot be negotiated. > How long until I should consider dating again? Read this. It's the best advice I read about reconstruction and dating when I went through my divorce. https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divo…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 10:31 PM
1

> why don't we fathers fight to change our legal system? You might want to spend a little time trying to change the system before asking such a question. It's easy to post this on Reddit expecting other people to solve a problem. It's quite different to actually get your hands dirty to change the law. Go take a look at defacto 50% parenting time laws that have been shot down. You'll find judges, attorneys, the Bar, and women's rights lobbyists actively working against them. > I have been back an…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 10:24 PM
2

MRA has accomplished nothing in the decades its been around. All talk, zero action.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 10:18 PM
1

I divorced my wife for similar reasons as you. I can't even remember the conversation, but there was a moment that triggered a thought in my brain: That's it, I'm done. Whatever apprehensions I had at that point vanished, and next day I reached out to an attorney buddy of mine and asked him for a family law attorney referral. The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attractio…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 10:16 PM
12

You can't ever "save" a relationship because genuine desire cannot be negotiated. That's why marriage counseling is a WOMBAT: waste of money brains and time. Even if you initiated divorce like I did, it doesn't hurt any less. You're mourning the potential of what could have been, and regretting how you fell on your sword for her when she didn't appreciate it. That latter part has a name: Covert contracts. There's a great book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" which illustrates this mindset in depth,…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 06:31 PM
2

I'm eight years post-divorce. This is the best advice I came across to address reconstruction and dating. The last part of this advice seems especially relevant to your situation. https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce_before_dating/
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 06:22 PM
2

There's no reconciliation because genuine desire cannot be negotiated. You're getting divorced. Splitting up the marital assets is a business transaction. Approach it like you would any other business problem, with logic and the absence of emotion. Your business is a marital asset. Your wife will be entitled to part of it and you need to pay the equity she is owed. That can be from the business itself, trading large assets like your home equity, or from retirement accounts. What you value more i…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 06:17 PM
1

Keeping/selling the home isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. What is a big deal is ensuring you have a geographic restriction about where the children attend school. This will preemptively address when your ex tries to move away with the kids post-divorce. It commonplace for that to happen, regardless of what she says or doesn't say during divorce. The restriction needs to be defined by school district or county, not by distance. Like you I owned my home before marriage. I paid her h…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 06:05 PM
1

If neither of you are represented, whatever agreement you come up with can be set aside later when she claims duress, "I didn't understand what I was signing" or other BS excuse she has. Then you have to go through it all again. Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 04:44 PM
2

That's the rub. Most couples can't see eye to eye which is why they divorce. Glad it worked out for you. It's not a tactic I recommend though.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 04:34 PM
1

You didn't read the link. You aren't the first dude who thinks he doesn't need an attorney. I've worked with hundreds of men going through divorce. It's a huge mistake to DIY. You want results not a bargain.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 04:33 PM
2

"Failure to thrive" is a huge hill to climb, and the limited information you've shared so far is not compelling. You're seeing first hand that you can't be an effective parent living in another state. The solution is to move where your child lives so you can be part of his daily life. Like taking him to doctor appointments where you can discuss this issue with an unbiased third-party and trained professional who can speak authoritatively about your son's health.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 04:31 PM
3

It's just hormones dude. Rub one out like you did in high school before you met her and move on.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 04:24 PM
1

Stop worrying about "going to court". Here's the reality. 95% of divorces are finalized without ever seeing a judge. Why? Because judges do not have the time to hear every divorce case. In my county there are 10 family law judges and there's a 6-8 week backlog to get on the docket. So judges always order parties to go through alternate dispute resolution like mediation. Also, stop with the "look bad on me" mindset. Divorce is a business transaction. Until you have a court ordered agreement (eith…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 04:19 PM
1

Don't move out before divorce is final. It's a huge mistake. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 04:13 PM
0

Your meditator lied to you. It's a tactic. Let's play mediation bingo. I'll start the list - of course, Free Space in the center: "Mediator is certain the Court will order for the mother" "OC threatens fees motion for bad-faith negotiations" "Mother says that custody was never on the table" "Your lawyer says the Court will be mad at you"
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 03:45 PM
1

> Currently in the collaborative divorce process How did that work out for you? In my experience, "collaborative divorce" means paying for divorce twice.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 03:03 PM
6

There are two kinds of family law attorneys: Litigators and mediators. You hired a mediator. Your attorney has one job, to litigate: Trial experience, deposition ability, attention to detail and civil procedure. The ability to litigate is the greatest defining factor of an attorney. You want someone who has taken their client's goals all the way to the judge, with the ability to present your matter with persuasion and rational arguments. An attorney that does not fear going to trial, and prepare…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 12:57 PM
5

Divorce is like radiation: Time, distance and shielding are needed. Divorce messes you up mentally, even if you're the initiator. Before a predator brings you to your knees, figure out who you are. Avoiding propinquity for the first year after divorce allows you to clear the clutter of your marriage and divorce. Psychologically there’s a lot to unpack, especially if your ex was gaslighting you. You need to get comfortable inside your own head before you think about initiating spousal replacement…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 12:52 PM
1

If your daughter is spending overnights only with the mother, then the mother is trying to establish status quo where she is the primary parent. That's bad for you if you want 50% parenting time. Your situation isn't going to resolve itself. She isn't going to come to her senses because she's already made up her mind. You need to take action. Today. Here's how to find an attorney and why you need to retain one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 12:49 PM
10

I'm about your age and same relationship duration, but I'm eight years post-divorce. I would never marry again. As Jim Carrey joked: Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like I love you so much I want to get the government involved so you can't leave. When women ask me what I'm looking for in a relationship, I tell them I'm just dating. Set that boundary early and it simplifies your life. Make sure you take time for reconstruction post-divorce. Took about a year for me.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 12:45 PM
1

Reality check: Hope is not a strategy. She has zero incentive to get a job before the divorce is final. Get rid of your fantasy that she will have a job before the divorce is final. Divorce is a business transaction. Treat it like such. If you want divorce settled quickly, then you aim for trial. There's nothing like the fear, uncertainty and doubt with a stranger in robes making life altering decisions for her to make her rational enough to finalize a divorce agreement. I share this from my own…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 12:40 PM
1

You pay the electric bill every month, right? Same thing applies to your tax bill. You settle the financial ledger when you negotiate the final agreement.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 12:36 PM
1

You didn't answer any of my questions. I can't help you if you don't share more details. I've been through this myself, and with hundreds of men. Parents are under zero obligation to take their children to an extracurricular activity during their parenting time. It's right there in the name: Extra. In terms of payment, your final agreement will have stipulations about how much each parent is responsible for.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 12:34 PM
1

For attorneys, you want to hire a litigator not a mediator. Litigators can mediate, but mediators cannot litigate effectively. More here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 12:30 PM
1

That's not how parenting time adjustments work in the court. Status quo is the greatest bias of the court. If OP had filed the paperwork with the court without giving her a heads up, he'd be coming out on top in this situation. Every jurisdiction has a minimum time period before the next adjustment can be filed. For most courts, it's 2-3 years.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 07:48 PM
1

You blew whatever leverage you had by talking to her instead of an attorney. By the time you're in front of a judge with all of the continuances she will file, it'll be 6-12 months of her with 50/50 parenting time.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 07:47 PM
1

Doesn't matter if she's currently working. It's about her ability to earn. Here's how it works to impute her income: At a bare minimum, any non-disabled spouse can earn full-time minimum wage. That amount depends on your area. With a recent work history like your wife has, you impute her income according to the twelve full months that were captured in a recent tax return. Increase as needed for annual COLA. If your wife is under-employed, or hasn't worked in a while, then you pay to have a vocat…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 07:43 PM
2

You haven't finished the reconstruction process. Once you do, your kids transitioning to the mother's home or a sleepover isn't a big deal. The first year post-divorce is the hardest. It does get better, but you need to put effort into your reconstruction. Got any hobbies?
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 07:34 PM
4

Never take legal advice from your wife or her attorney. Neither has your interest in mind. When you were divorcing, did you go through the discovery process where you shared all financial assets and liabilities with opposing counsel? If so, was this inheritance shared during discovery?
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 07:28 PM
5

I'm eight years post-divorce. The first year is the hardest, because you're going through reconstruction and you're dealing with "firsts" in a new way: Birthdays, holidays, vacations, parent-teacher meetings, etc. This is the best advice I've come across about reconstruction and dating. Focus on the last part especially: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce_before_dating/ Divorce is like radiation: You need time, distance and shielding to deal…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 07:26 PM
1

Verbal agreements can't be enforced by the court. The best you'll be able to do is to factor in these costs when you finalized the marital estate. You can subtract her half of extracurriculars from what you owe her. For the smoking, include it in the parenting agreement as a stipulation. Where are you at in the legal process? Has divorce actually been filed? Have you completed discovery? Have you attempted court-recognized meditation?
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 07:22 PM
1

You have two choices: You keep the home. You'll give her half the equity in the divorce. If you can't affort to give her half (it can come from a retirement account), then see #2. You sell the home and split the proceeds. The appraisal doesn't matter, only the net proceeds. It's that simple.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 07:18 PM
7

Most men don't get a ring back because it's a gift. You won't get but a fraction of your money back from the jewelry dealer, or on the second-hand market. When I finalized my divorce, I sold my wedding ring. It wasn't about the money, it was about letting go of all the BS.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 07:13 PM
1

You don't move out before the divorce is final. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 07:11 PM
1

> Do I have to name my ex-wife beneficiary of my life insurance policy, or can I name my kids as 50/50 beneficiaries? Whatever you both decide. When I got divorced, we each had a 20-year term life policy. We agreed to maintain the policies until they expired, and we each named the other as beneficiary. BTW, in the US your kids can't receive that money until they are 18. It will go to an adult to manage until they are old enough. You need to discuss your last will and testament with an estate att…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 07:08 PM
1

You're wasting time and money. Using attorneys to dissolve your marriage is standard practice. It's important you follow the process for your jurisdiction. The last thing you want is for you and your STBX to sign an agreement that doesn't meet the standards and required stipulations of your court. Then you'll be paying for it twice. Divorce is not the time for DIY. Save that for the home projects. You want results not a bargain. If neither of you are represented by an attorney, then the other pa…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 07:04 PM
1

I created a reference post about mediation tips here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1qv0k8w/fundamentals_tips_for_meditation/ Your attorney should have a boilerplate divorce and parenting agreement that meets your state's requirements. Read it over and make sure it covers the things you want. Basic stuff: * 50% of parenting time. For holidays, you swap ever other year. Keep the holidays simple: Winter break (Christmas+New Years), Spring Break, Thanksgiving. Forget the Hallmark ho…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 06:57 PM
1

The day I realized no one was coming to save me was the greatest revelation of my life. That happened in the middle of my divorce. From that point onward, I felt free.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 06:27 PM
1

You knew about her religion before you married her. What changed?
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 06:24 PM
1

You need to read the link. It addresses all states that have that sort of requirement. This advice comes from 23 years of divorcing men sharing their experience.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 05:52 PM
1

It takes time to undo your conditioning. It may not seem like it, but you've taken great strides just being able to recognize you're doing stuff like this. Keep at it. Either give the plants away or throw them out. They aren't part of your life anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 05:51 PM
5

You use age-appropriate language with your children. This is what I said when my kids were 11 and 7. SEPARATION TALK WITH KIDS: Mommy and Daddy are having trouble getting along. For now, we're going to stay in separate rooms. This is a grown-up problem that only adults can figure out. You and your brother haven't done anything wrong. This has nothing to do you with you. Mommy and I still love and want to take care of you even if things seem different for a while. DIVORCE TALK WITH KIDS: We will …
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 05:49 PM
2

You can't reconcile because genuine desire cannot be negotiated. The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attraction, affection, respect and love that you enter into to make it easier for both of you get through life together. It’s like you become a team of horses, and you both help pull the wagon, and it’s easier with two than with one. But being yoked in a team with a partn…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 05:47 PM
1

8332 is only necessary if your spouse is going to be a pain in the butt and try to claim a child that isn't outlined in your agreement. If you file your taxes before your ex does, that also solves the problem since the IRS allows the person who files first to claim the dependent. Source: Eight years divorced, same tax situation.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 05:45 PM
1

You don't need a "sleepover". Never had one with my two kids. Zero issues. The IRS doesn't care who claims which child. And if you're just a W-2 worker like most folks, then your audit risk is minimal. There are more things to worry about in life.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 05:45 PM
2

Nah. It's whatever you agree to. Everything is negotiable. Don't fall on your sword just because she made less than you.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 05:43 PM
1

> Have only been married a few months also. Have you considered an annulment? Much quicker than a divorce, and less expensive.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 05:41 PM
4

We all finish divorce with less than we had. I was nearly 50 and I lost half of my retirement accounts. I paid $24k for my half of the divorce. It's not all doom and gloom though. Six months after divorce I got a new job with the flexibility I needed to parent my two children. Five years post-divorce and I made 50% more income. Eight years post-divorce and I'm doing great financially. I won't be in the poor house in my 60s. Divorce is a hell of a motivator.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 05:38 PM
1

You're struggling with setting and enforcing boundaries. There's a great book that will help you called "When I Say No I Feel Guilty". Read it and implement it. Something else you need to realize: 99% of the time you spend with your children is before they turn 18. Once they are in post-secondary education or out on their own, you'll be lucky to spend one week with them each year until you die. Make the most of it today, because there is no making up for it later. Your son is your priority, not …
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 05:33 PM
1

Abandonment has a specific legal definition. It's not about that. Rather, it's that status quo is the greatest bias of the court. In-depth details are in the link.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 05:29 PM
2

I divorced my wife after 14 years of marriage. That was eight years ago. It was the second most difficult thing I experienced in my life. Totally worth it. My life is way better now. There's no reconciliation because genuine desire cannot be negotiated. The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attraction, affection, respect and love that you enter into to make it easier for b…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 05:27 PM
1

> my very newly ex wife called late last night for a ride home from the bar You need to advance your self reconstruction by reading "When I Say No I Feel Guilty". You need to establish and enforce boundaries. That book will give you the tools to do it. Go stand in front of a mirror and repeat "no" until you get comfortable saying it. Good luck brother.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 05:17 PM
1

Marriage counseling is a WOMBAT: waste of money brains and time. How is seeing a counselor together going to improve anything? The marriage counselor industry success rate speaks for itself. It's also female-centric, because the moment the woman stops attending the counseling is over. Women attend counseling to validate their viewpoints and put the burden of the relationship on their husband to fix. The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last …
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 05:09 PM
2

Nesting doesn't work. You're starting to get a glimpse of it. Let me spell it out for you. Nesting can seem good for kids on paper but the adults dont think of things in advance that could make it hell for kids. Its the crap of living together without seeing the person - that's all. It all sounds innocent and sweet until the mother finds the first pair of not-her-panties. You haven't thought this through: Who pays for the groceries? Who pays for house maintenance? Who changes the sheets with the…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 05:07 PM
1

Abuse is such an overused term that it's effectively meaningless. Get in the habit of using legal terms that have specific legal definitions. A judge isn't going to care that your spouse maxed out credit cards, or was bad with money, bought a $5k Berkin handbag, or whatever. Half that debt is yours. If your spouse funneled money to a paramour or lost it to gambling or another addiction, then you have a legal leg to stand on. At that point, you're spending at least $5k for a financial audit becau…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 05:05 PM
2

Don't take legal advice from your STBX. She isn't an attorney and doesn't have your best interest in mind. You pay it just like you're paying the mortgage, car loans, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 04:58 PM
2

95% of divorces are finalized outside of court. So the judge doesn't care most of the time.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 04:58 PM
1

The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attraction, affection, respect and love that you enter into to make it easier for both of you get through life together. It’s like you become a team of horses, and you both help pull the wagon, and it’s easier with two than with one. But being yoked in a team with a partner that isn’t pulling is worse than having no partner at all. Wha…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 04:56 PM
2

Spousal support varies by each state. If your attorney told you two years, then that's what it is. Half the duration is pretty common in most states.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 04:54 PM
1

Good luck terminating long-term spousal support in CA. Get familiar with the Gavron Warning and Orders of Richmond. Even with multiple warnings, spousal support has continued for many many years for men I've worked with. The best option to deal with spousal support in a long-term CA marriage is a lump sum when divorce is finalized.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 04:53 PM
2

I'm eight years post-divorce. Get rid of the mother and father's birthdays, and the hallmark holidays like mother's day and father's day. They're BS. I don't know who wrote your agreement but it's got terrible wording and you'll find yourself back in court over it. You don't use specific dates to designate Christmas/New Years. You base it on the school's schedule for such. It starts on the Friday that begins winter break for your school system. You word it just like you did for Thanksgiving. 2-2…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 04:46 PM
2

Geographic restrictions are hugely important to avoid round 2, where the mother moves away and tries to take the children with her.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 04:39 PM
3

Good advice. Here's what I did during and after my divorce: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce_before_dating/
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 04:38 PM
1

I wouldn't do this in a million years. Your plan will never work long term. You haven't thought this through: Who pays for the groceries? Who pays for house maintenance? Who chooses the new couch? Who mows the lawn? Who pays the house taxes? Do you have your things locked up so she can't rifle through them? If your flat burns down, does the insurance company replace everyone's stuff, because mine would not. It's a logistical nightmare. This solution requires such a degree of cooperation between …
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 04:34 PM
9

You took the cameras down and told your attorney about them, right?
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 04:29 PM
1

In a he-said, she-said argument the world takes the side of the woman. Women are the favored sex. Just look at sentencing for the same crime -- women serve way less time. It's enforced in our society through ubiquitous interventions like The Duluth Model. What I'm saying is that you have presented nothing that is compelling to a judge. What is compelling to a judge is her claim of DV and the TPO that's in effect. Your focus needs to be vacating that charge ASAP. It's hindering your ability to ge…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 04:28 PM
2

Marriage counseling is the bargaining phase. And the thing is, you can't negotiate genuine desire. So it's a WOMBAT: waste of money brains and time. How is seeing a counselor together going to improve anything? The marriage counselor industry success rate speaks for itself. It's also female-centric, because the moment the woman stops attending the counseling is over. Women attend counseling to validate their viewpoints and put the burden of the relationship on their husband to fix. The point of …
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 04:20 PM
3

You don't ask for a divorce. You inform her. That mindset matters. When you've had enough, you'll understand the difference.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 04:18 PM
5

Working out is the best cure for depression. Starting with bodyweight exercises is excellent.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 04:16 PM
1

Your documentation doesn't amount to anything. Your attempt to establish "failure to thrive" with the tardies will get you nowhere. Unless the tardies contribute to your kids not advancing to the next grade, it doesn't matter at all. Go read your county's handbook about such rules. In my county, it's only 10 unexcused absences that can threaten the children from advancing. But even then, that just warrants a parent-teacher meeting first. During the first year after divorce, my youngest child was…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 04:13 PM
5

She'll never take responsibility because of her victim mindset. You can't control her behavior. You can only control your reaction to her behavior. Turn up your Don't Give a Feck meter another notch, and enjoy your peace.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 04:08 PM
3

Serving divorce papers is not scorched earth. It's standard process. You can't negotiate genuine desire. All you do by talking things out with her is give her time for divorced hens to provide her tactics and strategies to benefit herself.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 04:05 PM
2

> If you haven’t even asked for a divorce, then it’s a bad idea to spring it out the blue. Completely disagree. Maintaining radio silence is essential during a divorce. You don't tell the enemy what your tactics and strategies are. Ever see those World War II posters that said "Loose lips sink ships"? It's like that.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 04:02 PM
1

Moving out before divorce is final is the worst mistake you can make. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/ I spent twelve months living in the same house as my STBX. You can too.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 04:00 PM
10

I spent six years sharing the blunt truth about divorce with men. It's a mixed bag of results. Most of the men coming to this sub have avoided the truth throughout their marriage. You can hit them over the head with a clue by four all day long. Until they decide they need to change their mindset, all the rhetoric in the world is pointless. Everyone wants the world to change but not themselves. The two most common things men have to address: Covert contracts. "If only I washed more dishes then sh…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 03:58 PM
1

Hope is not a strategy. As long as she's under the care of a physician, you have an uphill battle to label her as an unfit parent. America loves a good rehabilitation story. You need to get the TPO dismissed ASAP. It will continue to hang over your divorce like a dark cloud. You've already seen the result -- she has primary custody.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 03:49 PM
8

Celebrated with my divorce buddy (we divorced at the same time) over a steak dinner. Eight years later we're still great friends. Sold my wedding ring. Created a new budget and figured out how I wasn't going to be destitute when I retired. Six months later I started a new job that five years later had me earning 50% more income. Started my reconstruction.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 03:43 PM
0

You didn't read the link. All it takes is for her to claim she didn't know what she was signing, or she was under duress, and a judge will throw out your agreement.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 12:44 AM
1

What hobbies do you have? That's a great outlet to find friends.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 12:41 AM
1

Status quo is the greatest bias of the court. Custody is measured by overnights. Whatever extralegal agreement you two came up with is not enforceable. Moving out was a huge mistake. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 12:41 AM
1

Read this. It addresses NC specifically: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 12:37 AM
1

She sounds like a mental case. Be glad you've gone your separate ways and she is no longer your responsibility.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 12:36 AM
1

None of those are real options. Your kids need a father active in their life. That can't happen if you move thousands of miles away. You can't make up time with them later. 99% of the time you spend with your children is before they graduate high school. After that, you'll be lucky to spend one week a year with them until you die. The principle assumption behind nesting is that children are fragile or weak and can't handle transition. Kids are more resilient than you think. How do you think nest…
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 12:34 AM
1

Trial is the quickest and most direct way to finalize a divorce. With no kids, what's the issue that can't be agreed upon without a judge deciding for you?
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 12:30 AM
1

You need to turn up your Don't Give a Feck Meter. You can't control her emotions. You can only control your reaction to her emotions. I recommend incorporating Stoicism -- read Ryan Holiday's "The Obstacle Is The Way". That mindset has been a blessing to me since I divorced 8 years ago.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 12:25 AM
1

> who I am I to dictate terms on how long can she talk to the kid The father. *click*
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 12:23 AM
1

A 3yo child doesn't have an attention span. An hour long call is ridiculous. The kid will put the phone down and go do something else.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 12:22 AM
1

What hobbies do you have?
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 12:19 AM
1

Yet here we are. OP has all the hallmarks of a "Nice Guy" with covert contracts. He desperately needs to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "When I Say No I Feel Guilty". He's the only one that can help himself.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 11:06 PM
1

Congrats. You get it and you're in a great headspace.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 11:04 PM
1

An attorney is always required. Go read the link why. Save the DIY for home projects.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 10:56 PM
1

Good job with the temp orders. AI is fine to give you a general idea of what to expect, so you aren't constantly accruing billable hours with your attorney for basic questions. But it in no way replaces your attorney. Length of spousal support depends on the state you live in. In California, a long-term marriage (>10 years) means you pay for an unspecified amount of time. In Massachusetts, a 20 year marriage means you're paying spousal support for life. In some states, spousal support is rehabil…
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 10:54 PM
1

Read this to find an attorney: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 10:49 PM
2

Be lucky you don't have a 10 year marriage. In CA, you'd be paying her spousal support for an unspecified amount of time. With a six year marriage, you'll be paying her spousal support for half that. You'll be paying child support until your last child graduates high school or turns 18 (whichever is later). Your wife will get half of the marital assets and liabilities. Here's how to find an attorney, and why you need one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_nee…
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 10:46 PM
1

NMMNG is essential. I also recommend reading "When I Say No I Feel Guilty". You need to be able to set boundaries in your future relationships else you will repeat the past.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 10:42 PM
1

You aren't alone brother. This was very helpful to me about post-divorce dating: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce_before_dating/
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 10:41 PM
1

Life is hard because you do hard things, or life is hard because you don't. Divorce is a hell of a motivator to do hard things in life. First thing I did when I divorced my wife, I switched jobs. Five years later I had increased my salary 50%. You need some serious self reflection and introspection to figure out what you want out of life. Then you figure out how to achieve it. Right now it's obvious you don't have a plan. No one can tell you what to do. It's personal calculus only you can solve …
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 10:38 PM
1

You can't file jointly. An attorney can only represent one party in a divorce. And you absolutely want both parties to be represented. Why? Read more in this comprehensive response: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ And divorces are only amicable as long as you agree with everything she wants. Divorce is a business transaction. Treat it as one. You don't get divorced to remain best friends. Remain civil? Sure.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 10:29 PM
2

You're not unreasonable. The mother can host her own celebration. I've been divorced eight years and never invited the mother to anything I've done with my children.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 10:28 PM
2

First of all, you never take legal advise from your ex. You don't have dental insurance? Ortho is typically covered but carries a capped amount for payout. Why isn't she paying half? They're her kids too. Your parenting agreement should be clear about who pays for what. In mine, each parent is responsible for 50% of medical (including eye and dental), education (not college) and extracurriculars. The extracurriculars are capped at a specific amount per child per year.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 10:26 PM
2

I used to think just like you. I went through $2k of marriage counseling. All that did was prolong the time before I filled for divorce. Marriage counseling is a WOMBAT: waste of money, brains and time. You can't negotiate genuine desire, and your wife will think she's done nothing wrong because solipsism. She won't be ordered to cover your legal fees, especially if she's not working. False DV is right out of the woman's divorce playbook to get custody of your kids. Because if she's got the lion…
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 10:21 PM
1

> she also attempted to unalive herself with the kids in the house 4 months before she filed. What was the outcome? 5150? Is she under the care of a psychologist to deal with this?
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 10:16 PM
2

Thank you for shoveling the gravel.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 10:09 PM
1

Regardless, your marriage is over. She's carrying another man's child. There is no reconciliation. There is only moving on with your life without her. She's not your soulmate. She's one of a million, not one in a million. You need to change your scarcity mindset about women into an abundance mindset.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 09:52 PM
1

Some women just want kids as a social accessory for status, like having a $5k handbag. They don't actually want to be a parent. OP hasn't ever set boundaries in his life and has repeatedly avoided confrontation. That's why his wife has been wearing the pants in the family and walking all over him. "No More Mr. Nice Guy" is a must read for him to get rid of his covert contract mentality.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 09:49 PM
1

Dude, wake up. You're just an ATM to her. You are her Plan B.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 09:42 PM
1

You need an attorney. Here's why and how to find one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ Until a paternity test is completed that shows otherwise, the state will assume the child is yours. You need to be aware of this and work with your attorney to dispute the paternity. You have a limited time to do this once the child is born. If you don't dispute it, then you will be on the hook for child support.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 09:41 PM
1

Do your attorneys prefer Mercedes or BMW? Because handing it over to them means each of you is buying them a new car. The judge will order meditation or other alternate dispute resolution because judges do not have the time nor inclination to listen to every divorce. In my county there are only 10 family law judges. 95% of divorces are settled outside of court. I never even saw my judge in my divorce. You should have a clear plan about the divorce about what comes next. Either party can use tact…
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 09:35 PM
2

She's had one foot out the door since you got married. Not taking your last name is a huge red flag. I'm surprised it never came up before you married. Do us all a favor and add some paragraph breaks. Your wall of text is difficult to read.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 09:20 PM
1

The principle assumption behind nesting is that children are fragile or weak and can't handle transition. Kids are more resilient than you think. How do you think nesting works? Who buys soap? TP? Chooses the new couch? Picks out wall art? Mows the lawn? Paints? Replaces the broken washer? Pays for a plumber or electrician? Who is listed on the insurance? If your home burns down, does the insurance company replace everyone's stuff, because mine would not. What part of birdnesting do you like bes…
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 09:11 PM
1

For the first year post-divorce, you need to set aside additional time to deal with "firsts" -- birthdays, doctor appointments, parent-teacher meetings, holidays, etc. They'll require some additional attention to figure out the new norm. As you get older, your problems don't go away. In fact they become more complicated. So you become better at problem solving.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 09:08 PM
3

Moving out during divorce is the worst thing you can do. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 09:03 PM
1

This is excellent advice I found useful during and after my divorce about dating: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce_before_dating/
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 07:31 PM
5

I highly recommend you read Manuel Smith’s book "When I Say No I Feel Guilty", and Dr. Robert Glover’s book "No More Mr. Nice Guy." Both were super helpful when I divorced 8 years ago.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 07:29 PM
1

No house makes it even easier. Your assets include car equity and what's in your financial accounts including retirement. You'll also factor in your liabilities like credit card debt and car loans. Add it all up and divide by two: You each get half.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 06:42 PM
1

What you described has happened to every man in this sub to one degree or another. We all ignored red flags and ultimately paid the price for it. Being divorced is easier than getting divorced. Best advice I was given from a relative who has since remarried: "At the time I would have done anything to make it work. Now I can't imagine it any other way." This is great advice about post-divorce reconstruction: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce…
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 06:38 PM
1

You sound like a sad sack of a man. Where's your respect for yourself? Remaining married isn't some penance you have to endure. You have permission to divorce her.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 05:57 PM
1

You're not the asshole. I divorced my wife when I was 47 because there was no kindness, respect, or affection and she was a financial disaster. Eight years later I have zero regrets. She doesn't have generalized libido issues a doctor can fix. She has libido issues *with you*. Spending the next 35 years with this woman until you die sounds like hell on earth. There is life after divorce, and it is good.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 05:54 PM
1

Moving out is the worst thing you can do. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 05:50 PM
2

Moving out is the dumbest thing you can do in divorce. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/ She's only trying to get you back because her Plan A failed. You are her Plan B. If she really respected you, she would have never cheated. Be grateful there are no kids so it's a clean break. You each walk away with half of marital assets/liabilities. With a short marriage, spousal support will be non-existent or rehabilitatively short.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 05:49 PM
1

I agree with most of this. But my priority is my kids, not my career. I brought them into this world, and it's my personal responsibility to ensure they become good neighbors and functional adults. No one else in the world can do that. In terms of career, I switched employers right after divorce for two reasons: Flexibility and income. The flexibility provides me the ability to drop off/pick up my kids from school (bus isn't an option). Five years post-divorce and I was making 50% more than when…
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 05:37 PM
7

I was just a touch younger than you when I got divorced. Got a vasectomy six months later. That was 7+ years ago. Zero regrets. I sure as hell didn't want a teenager when I'm in my 60s.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 05:30 PM
1

What are you babbling on about?
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 03:17 PM
3

You in no way get more favorable terms when you leave. You've dug yourself a hole with you in the bottom of it, and your wife is standing at the top with the ladder. Talking about frame, yours is way off.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 02:20 PM
2

The frame is ensuring you have 50% parenting time with your kids, and settling things as soon as possible. By moving out you lose leverage with both. This advice has been tested time and again over 20 years. The men that followed of the advice of staying in the marital residence resolved their divorces quicker and on their terms. Ignore it at your own risk.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/25 11:40 AM
1

And why is that?
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/25 12:33 PM
1

Thank you for shoveling the gravel.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/25 03:38 PM
3

Nope. I stopped contributing to this sub when mods started deleting my content, and wouldn't engage in conversation about it.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/25 03:37 PM
1

I want my kids. So I opted to leave. You'll get the opposite by leaving, unless you think the every-other-weekend screwjob is an acceptable amount of time with your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 03:52 PM
1

Bart had a way of distilling decades of wisdom into a few sentences. I still adhere to much of his advice years after I first read it. In our world today, it's almost a lost art teaching dads to be a dad.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 11:33 AM
–

You need to discuss your situation with an attorney. Here's why, and how to find one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/24 11:38 AM
7

When you hate your wife more than you love your kid, you'll divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 09:51 PM
2

No one cares more about your divorce than you, including your attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 09:50 PM
3

She may even create issues like false abuse or DV cases to prevent me shared 50/50 parenting. Then you better file first. If she files DV after that, the judge is more likely to see the bullshit that it is.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 05:53 PM
7

Her opinion is that CS should be calculated with her receiving no income Stop taking legal advice from your ex. She's looking out for her, not you. You impute her income as full-time minimum wage as the floor. If she worked at a rate higher than that in the past, then you use that instead.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 05:52 PM
10

Clean up one mess before you create another. You're one blow job away from clearing out closet space for a woman. This is the best post-divorce dating advice I've come across: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce_before_dating/
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 05:47 PM
1

The only relief you're going to receive from the court about parenting time disputes is you obtaining make-up time with your kids that's been previously denied to you. If you're expecting the court to throw her in jail for keeping the kids from you, that ain't gonna happen. What are you talking about with regards to "unlawful imprisonment"?
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 11:46 AM
1

I want to tell her if we can divide up everything prior to getting attorney's involved she can keep the 20K they gave me "us You don't DIY your divorce. Here's why and how to find an attorney: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 11:43 AM
1

I travel alot for work so it’s unreasonable to think I will be 50/50 with the kids, plus I’m not sure I will have a solid living environment after this. Stop falling on your sword with the excuse making. You have to come up with a plan where you can parent your children 100% of the time. Mothers do ditch their kid for a paramour, acquire chemical dependencies (especially after divorce as a coping mechanism), become incarcerated or hospitalized, or shed their mortal coil. If you can come up with …
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 11:38 AM
1

What are your guys thoughts on what I should do about this? Cheaters are repeaters. She hasn't gotten this guy to fully commit to her yet, so she's relying on you to be her ATM and emotional tampon. I’m worried that I’m either being stupid and can’t see she is just lying and using me You know what you have to do.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 11:30 AM
1

How have you spent $300k over four years? At $500/hr, that's 600 billable hours. And there's been zero discussion of finances?
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 11:26 AM
7

Something that sucks is how she has assumably put a wedge between any mutual friends we had and myself. They were never your friends to begin with. They were just acquaintances.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 11:22 AM
3

Sedation is what got you where you are.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 11:18 AM
5

Do not DIY your divorce. Here's why, and how to find an attorney: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 01:04 AM
6

I still find myself falling into the "woe is me" trap, where I cry and scoff at my misfortune i've wound up in. The most liberating day of my life is when I realized no one is coming to save me.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 01:03 AM
1

My plan is to show up on the day before weekend. Not what I meant. What's your plan for getting temporary parenting time orders in place, or finalizing the divorce? Because that's how you address this issue in the short-term.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/24 03:08 PM
2

I want him to be the most comfortable he can be. There's a saying: Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child. If you want him to truly be comfortable and confident, then teach him to do the hard things in life. Because life is hard if you do the hard things, or life is hard because you don't.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/24 03:04 PM
2

I assume it's 7 days with you, then 7 days with the mother. Is that right? That's the common parenting time plan for 50/50 with a child that age. Pulling you into the conversation with your STBX is something you need to put boundaries on. This is a great teaching moment for him. Your son needs to advocate for himself throughout his life. There's no one coming to "save" him; he "saves" himself. It's one of the difficult things to learn transitioning from teenager to young adult. So if he wants mo…
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/24 02:51 PM
1

So what's the temporary parenting time schedule that's in place now? If it's not 50/50 now, this could help you get there. But if it's already 50/50 and you're trying to leave the mother with EOW parenting time, read on. I'm not a fan of putting kids in control of which parent to live with. And I'm in the only state where the child's choice is presumptive at 14. The decision to reject a parent requires more maturity than the decision to have consensual sex. It's not so simple for the kids, and c…
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/24 02:07 PM
7

If your child is in danger now, then you go get a PO today.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/24 01:47 PM
1

How long ago did that PO expire? And is it an ongoing issue today?
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/24 01:41 PM
2

The equity in your home prior to the marriage can be set aside as separate property. The equity gained in your home since marriage is a marital asset that will be split evenly between you two like all other marital assets and liabilities. Here's how you find a good attorney: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/24 01:40 PM
3

Police deal with the criminal; custody is civil. That's why the police don't get involved in parenting time disputes. my ex showed up unannounced and stayed on my property 30 minutes Trespassing is criminal. That's when you call the cops.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/24 01:38 PM
-1

To what end? Even if he found out it's not his child, the time to challenge paternity is long over. There's a limited time window to do that. He'll still be on the hook for child support.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/24 01:35 PM
2

How old is your eldest son? And what kind of counselor is he seeing?
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/24 01:24 PM
2

What's the reason for the PO? And have you read through the actual form from your county website for it?
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/24 01:24 PM
3

Hoping to get that done soon Hope aint a strategy. What's your plan? What's the age of your child, and why can't the child accompany you on the trip? It doesn't sound like it's work related travel.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/24 01:21 PM
2

You won't find specific attorney recommendations on this sub, but here's how to find one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 07:52 PM
3

If you both can't agree who keeps the home, it'll be up to a judge to decide. The most equitable solution for a judge is to order the home sold and the proceeds split.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 07:08 PM
6

Cut off ties with that old coworker. She only cares about gossip, not you.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 07:05 PM
1

Do not entertain any projections for future earnings. Dave Foley got fucked by this in his divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 05:08 PM
1

I'm not advocating any specific style. The discipline and respect that's a core of marital arts training is something that kids will take with them well into adulthood, even if they're never physical with another kid.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 05:07 PM
2

Take a moment and think back to all the things your then-wife told you she did, or was going to do. Then go look at the reality. You don't listen to what she says, you observe what she does. In this case, that means getting financial statements from her when you're recalculating CS.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 05:03 PM
8

I really don't need the money but I don't know what to do 529 account for kiddo.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 04:55 PM
2

All sorts of details are lacking about the "loan". Your specifics need to be discussed with an attorney that practices in your county and has all of the details of your situation.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 01:43 PM
8

I want to be as spiteful as I possibly can be Holding on to hate is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. All you're going to accomplish with being spiteful is inflating legal fees for both of you. You're entitled to half of all marital assets, including her business. You don't need to tell her anything, because she won't care. You work through your attorney to get your share of the marital estate. You don't do "custody" for a dog, and certainly not long-distance. It's an a…
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 01:26 PM
3

Totally agree. Waiting 11 years to sell the home is a nightmare in the making. I remember working with a guy who was five-years past his divorce, and his ex was still living in the home. She hadn't upkept it, so it lost a huge amount of value. OP is in the mindset that he's still her white knight. She's a grown ass adult and will figure out how to financially survive, just like she did prior to marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 01:23 PM
1

Great advice. Martial arts is a confidence booster as well.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 01:20 PM
1

If she brought up divorce, it's because she has a gaggle of divorced hens whispering in her ear. She's already 10 steps ahead of you. Your daughter is not a party to the divorce. You ex has nothing to "limit access" with your daughter. She's also 17 -- old enough to vote with her feet at this point. Your daughter will continue to have a relationship with your STBX, or not. That's her decision, and I wouldn't insert myself in between them. It's clear she isn't going to Own Her Shit. You've been u…
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 01:17 PM
3

The house bought for the mother by her parents counts as "income" for the purposes of determining child support. The mother doesn't work, and based on the valuation of the home, likely receives money from her parents. Thus "in-kind contributions". He probably can't do a thing about the spousal support he's paying at this point. But CS can be recalculated every 2-3 years (depends on the state), with the calcs reflecting the contributions from her parents.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 01:08 PM
4

"In-kind contributions" is the term you're looking for.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 12:46 PM
5

I missed out on any opportunity I had for a dream of even having a family and going through that process. Why would you think that? While women's reproductive years have limits, men's do not. You're also under no obligation to have a child with a woman your age. In fact, a woman is the most fertile in her early 20s and a man's natural proclivity is for women aged 21-25. I missed out on huge milestones that were are supposed to happen in life According to whom? Societal invisible scripts? It's on…
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 12:43 PM
6

Indiana. Spousal support is rehabilitative and limited to 3 years. She's getting 50% of all marital assets and liabilities, and your pension.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 01:17 AM
2

Good luck with it. Report back when there's more to share.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 11:08 PM
5

It takes time to go through reconstruction. Took me about a year once my divorce was final. I'm six years post-divorce and living my best life, something I couldn't do while married to my ex.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 09:29 PM
15

Here's the best advice I've come across about post-divorce dating: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce_before_dating/ Being divorced is a benefit, not a turn off, for a woman. You've already got social capital demonstrating that you aren't a creep by having someone willing to tie the knot with you. When women ask me what I'm looking for, I tell them "I'm just dating". Sets the expectations early and clearly that I am not looking for a long-te…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 08:11 PM
1

Post it. It'll be cathartic for you. I did the same when I was divorcing.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 07:40 PM
6

So your daughters just cut off all contact with you without any kind of conversation with you? Something else is going on that isn't being shared.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 07:39 PM
11

Something obviously happened a decade ago to cause a rift. You don't provide many details. So what was it?
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 07:17 PM
4

Had to look that up. Damn that predates Eat Pray Love by two decades.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 06:54 PM
7

It was written with a man's point of view in mind. Women's advice on post-divorcing dating: Goooo Kweeeeeen!!!
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 06:52 PM
2

Get three appraisals for the home: Yours, hers, and something like Zillow. Take the average.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 06:21 PM
8

Here's the best advice I've come across about post-divorce dating: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce_before_dating/ Also, I originally wrote this for my sons, but will share it here with you: You’re going to spend about 85 years with yourself. Learn to enjoy spending time alone. If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company. Don’t get into a relationship if you aren’t comfortable living alone. You must become independent befo…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 06:17 PM
9

It's just another variation of the "Eat, Pray, Love" journey women want to "find themselves".
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 06:14 PM
2

I also start work at 6am. So? Find a daycare that can accomodate you. Or get someone to help you, whether that's a family member, or you hire a nanny. Here's the thing you seem to be missing: You need a plan to parent your child 100% of the time. Should something happen to the mother -- she takes off with Mr. Wonderful, she acquires a chemical dependency, she gets incarcerated, hospitalized or dies -- you have your daughter all the time. So you need a plan to make that happen. And once you have …
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 04:21 PM
12

You don't get divorced to remain best friends. You think your STBX is one-in-a-million, when in fact she is one-of-a-million. Your scarcity mindset is likely one of the root causes you are divorcing. You need to take some time to reconstruct yourself, because you're one blowjob away from creating closet space for another woman. This is the best advice I've come across about post-divorce relationships: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce_befor…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 04:04 PM
1

Ok, it's clear now: You don't have temporary orders in place. The current situation with your wife is not how parenting time will work once the orders are in place. Parenting time is measured by the number of overnights you have with your child. Right now the mother has 100% overnights. She is the defacto primary parent, and she's establishing status quo to remain such. The longer you wait to get temporary orders in place, the harder it will be for you to fight against the status quo. When it's …
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 03:49 PM
2

I haven't been able to make it a priority Waiting months = not an emergency. I mean, you don't get what you don't ask for. Your attorney should know the judge well enough to give you an idea how the judge would respond. But I wouldn't bet on it. If temp orders are already in place, then you file a motion to compel. The relief you seek from the court is make-up time with your children. Also, when it's your parenting time, it's your responsibility to pick up the child. Have you attempted that? You…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 02:45 PM
1

If you see divorce on the horizon, then she sees it too. Except she noticed the problems before you did, because women have a hive mind to gossip with.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 02:22 PM
11

I can see the practical element of trying to fix things, You can't fix a loveless marriage. Genuine desire and respect cannot be negotiated. You stepped out once because of it. Trust your gut. Any man who has been in your situation will understand your primal need for affection. You may find some solace, empathy and answers in this thread about why you are here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1cfy6xn/fundamentals_why_you_are_here/ If you want your divorce to be finalized, the quic…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 02:00 PM
2

So that amounts to a he-said, she-said situation. How did you prove it to a judge? Or did she simply capitulate the point during mediation?
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 01:55 PM
1

With many months having gone by, you need to get temporary orders put in place. You do that by retaining an attorney. Here's why and how to find one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ If someone reading over our shoulders is dealing with this issue within days of her moving out, then they need to file a motion to have the children returned to the marital residence immediately. She can move out, but the kids stay. In that situation,…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 01:53 PM
2

Six figures. It's straightforward: Add up all marital assets and liabilities, then divide by two. Divorce is just the formal agreement of who gets which car, who keeps the house and who gets their equity share, and how financial accounts are split to balance out the ledger.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 12:46 PM
2

Fascinating. I've never heard of that before today. The trick seems to be proving the "willful" part of it, or defining how frequent sex needs to be before it's considered abandonment. What were the deciding factors in your situation? Here's a pretty good explanation I found for constructive abandonment: "Withholding love and affection, including sex, could therefore fall under the category of constructive abandonment. To successfully prove constructive abandonment by withholding sex, you must s…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 11:35 AM
3

Yeah tough love isn't something that's cultivated or appreciated in this sub like it was there. Men need to hear the unvarnished truth because they've been misled their entire lives and can't even get it straight from their dad, their uncle, brother or friend. But rather than embrace it, they get defensive and lash out or just nuke their account. Glad we understand one another.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 11:27 AM
2

Yes, it's young. Here's perspective: I was married 14 years (together for 20+) and I initiated divorce in my late 40s. I wrote her a big fat check to balance out the marital ledger. Yet here I am six years later and my net worth has surpassed what it was during marriage. It's amazing what you can accumulate when you don't have a spendthrift wife buying shit you don't need. And there's nothing like getting divorced to motivate you to level up your career. The longer you remain married, the more y…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 09:16 AM
1

NY isn't friendly to the monied spouse, both financially and with custody. Unless the two of you can mutually agree to 50% parenting time, you're going to have a Sisyphean task of getting that from a judge.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 09:12 AM
2

Half is normal and expected. But it's not just the house. Add up all assets and liabilities, then divide by two. You each get half. Divorce is just the process of who keeps which car, who keeps the house and pays the other party their share, and splitting financial accounts. At the end of the day, there are two columns in the marital ledger, yours and hers, with equal balances.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 09:09 AM
4

I've used OFW for six years. It's been a blessing dealing with my ex. I was the one who insisted it was added as a stipulation in our parenting plan. It's the best $100/year I spend. My sanity is priceless.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 09:07 AM
4

Assert your parental rights and parent your children just as you always have. Were it me after the kids are in bed I'd be walking around the house in my tighty whiteys and cropdusting the MIL every time I walked by until she left. I can't emphasize this enough. Do not allow your STBX to assert dominance as the primary caregiver. Lots of tried and true non-verbal resistance strategies to get your MIL to leave: Racing stripes in the bowl. Poor aim with the seat down. Phone conversations (not neces…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 09:05 AM
6

My attorney calls “her attorney” and he said he hasn’t been retained…….they met but not retained…strange. Not strange really. You don't listen to what women say, you watch what they do. Because the two are not congruent. Just like she said she wanted to do this amicably with 50/50 custody, yet she's trying to obtain exclusive use and occupancy of the home in order to set a the status quo with her as the primary parent for the kids. You need to fight the motion with everything you have to keep yo…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 09:00 AM
3

Jack Rhysider is saving lives.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 08:56 AM
3

In what country is withholding sex a form of negligence?
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 08:54 AM
3

We bought the house together 17 years ago so I think she is in denial that I fully intend to sell the house. Sounds like you've both made a decision about the house. She wants to keep it, and you want your equity share out of it. All you need to concern yourself with is getting her to assume the mortgage.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 08:47 AM
4

You want results, not a bargain. No one cares more about your divorce than you. Not your STBX, not opposing counsel, not the judge, and certainly not your attorney. You have to understand the primary motivator for attorneys: Billable hours. You need to manage your attorney. When you hired your attorney, you should have set ground rules about communication. Sounds like you need to revisit that, and set expectations. The fastest way to get your divorce finalized is to head to trial.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 08:43 AM
22

She filed a TRO against you to get you out of the marital home, and to set status quo with her being the primary caregiver for the children. She's got a gaggle of divorced hens whispering in her ear and is 10 steps ahead of you in the divorce process. You need an attorney my dude. Today. Here's why and how to find one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ Don't talk to her mother. You aren't going to win her over with logic and reason…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 08:37 AM
3

You won't find attorney recommendations on this sub. Here's why, and how to find your attorney: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ With regards to parenting time, status quo is the greatest bias of the court. While you and your wife can mutually agree to 50/50 parenting time, don't expect that from a TX judge. The best you'll get from the TX family court is Expanded Standard Possession Order, about 41% parenting time.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 08:34 AM
1

Why do you care if people know if you were previously married?
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/24 08:31 AM
6

Bart's last post was four years before the forum shut down. I hate to suggest it, but he probably passed on from COVID. I'm pretty sure he was in his 70s, and it was no secret that he was a physician, so he was in the worst of it. He gave some hints over the years that could track him down if you were really fervent about it, but the guy deserves his privacy like everyone else on that forum. The best thanks you can give him is to keep shoveling the gravel here to help the next new guy out. By fa…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/24 07:55 PM
1

And how much did your scorched earth policy cost you in attorney fees?
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/24 07:47 PM
1

I want my kid to be able to give their mom gifts Yep, you've got to be the role model for your child that the mother will never be. Your kid may not realize it today, or even next year, but there will be a point in the future where the lightbulb will go off. And your child will thank you for it.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/24 07:46 PM
1

set rules on how we cooperate during process Serious questions: How did that work out? And what did cooperation look like?
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/24 04:10 PM
12

Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/24 04:08 PM
1

So I think all this 'high value' man stuff is a bunch of shit. I hear you. Here's a short list of famous men who had divorce initiated against them: Brad Pitt Johnny Depp Jeff Bezos Bill Gates Elon Musk Dr Dre Ryan Reynolds Tom Brady Lance Armstrong Alex Rodriguez Channing Tatum Chris Rock Ben Affleck Chris Pratt Liam Hemsworth Ben Stiller David Duchovny Orlando Bloom Tiger Woods Sean Penn Sylvester Stallone Paul McCartney Ryan Felipe Jason Momoa Michael Jordan All attractive, high status and we…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/24 01:44 PM
–

Here's how you find an attorney, and why asking here for a referral doesn't work: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/24 01:35 PM
1

You can't afford not to have an attorney. Read this guy's thread where he DIY'd his divorce, and now he's living a nightmare: https://www.reddit.com/r/DivorcedDads/comments/1cb4itg/advice_during_unfit_parent_winning_divorce/ As we get older, our problems only become more complex. So we have to get better at problem solving. Change your thinking from "I can't afford an attorney" to "How do I afford an attorney?"
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/24 01:34 PM
1

Example of why both parties need to be represented by an attorney: https://www.reddit.com/r/DivorcedDads/comments/1cb4itg/advice_during_unfit_parent_winning_divorce/ That guy DIY'd his divorce, and is now living a nightmare.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/24 01:30 PM
9

Don't look for emotional justice in the courtroom. By law, it doesn't matter who contributed what. You're each going to get half. Do the cost benefit analysis: Trying to fight that is going to cost you more legal fees and your sanity. Six years of asset accumulation is nothing in the grand scheme of things, especially how young you are. If she's ready to agree to fifty-fifty, then get the deal done so you can move on faster.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/24 01:18 PM
3

Thanks for posting this thread. The Men's Divorce Forum will be missed. It was a bastion on the internet for men going through divorce for 23 years with many excellent reference posts. While The List is a little dated, much wisdom remains within it. I will miss the community of veteran dads there who made their wounds their work.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/24 01:14 PM
1

If you're in the US, what state are you in? What are the ages of the children?
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/24 01:07 PM
1

Or that my computer isn’t trying to be broken into when at work all day. If it's a laptop, you bring it with you to work. If it's a desktop, you make sure it's password protected with something she can't guess. Same goes for your phone.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/24 01:01 PM
2

Closet is a good idea, since apparently he lives in a 1 BR.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/24 01:00 PM
1

Huh? Mediation is for finalizing custody and finances. The ground rules are set by your jurisdiction with things like mutual restraining orders that prevent you from purchasing/selling large assets during the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/24 12:58 PM
6

I’m lucky to be with her She's lucky to be with you. I'm about the same age as you and divorced six years ago. When women ask me what I'm looking for, I respond with "I'm just dating". It sets boundaries, and if she tries to cross that boundary it's "comply or goodbye". I wrote advice to my sons about marriage. I'll share it here: Marriage is a good idea; it’s how we execute it today that makes it one of the worst prospects imaginable for men. Marriage today has the potential to be the most dama…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/24 12:48 PM
5

Read this: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ogjhm0/wait_at_least_one_year_after_divorce_before_dating/
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 11:46 PM
1

Have you retained an attorney? They will know what the necessary minimums are to include in your parenting plan for your jurisdiction. And if they've been in biz for any length of time, they know which stipulations to keep out which is just as important.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 11:43 PM
5

Sex in a prenup, LOL. Good luck enforcing that. If your wife has genuine burning desire for you, then you'll get sex as often as you want it. The problem most men face is that women use sex for seduction pre-marriage, then sex for compliance once married. Men are too afraid of disrupting the pussy wagon, so they'll bend over backwards to do whatever is needed for it. That only makes her hate you more.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 11:40 PM
1

Here's how to find an attorney, and questions to ask: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 11:27 PM
-1

You have no money but you have time to go fuck other women. I'd say your priorities are askew. Instead of leveling up a video game character, go level up your career.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 04:42 PM
6

Good on you for doing the hard things in the past like getting her admitted. You'd certainly have a different parenting plan right now if you hadn't. You're doing all the right things. Keep it up. Your kids are counting on you as the sane parent. Forget what other people are saying -- it doesn't matter. The bias you're seeing is because women are evaluated more favorably then men. Here's the research paper from 1991 about it: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1471-6402.1991.tb007…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 03:10 PM
2

Then you've got one of the simplest divorces on the planet. You split the marital assets and liabilities evenly, then you'll be free.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 02:54 PM
4

she had threatened to harm them multiple times. And what did you do about that? if your parents live with you or support you then their finances will also be pulled into the divorce. It's called "in-kind contributions". Go look it up.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 02:51 PM
5

You can't control her behavior, so get that out of your head. All you can do is teach your son to deal with people like her.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 02:47 PM
16

You stopped being her white knight when you divorced. She's a grown ass adult and can take care of herself, just like she did before marriage. You don't seen to understand that you are her Plan B. When shit isn't going well in her life (in her mind), she reaches out to you to be her emotional tampon. You need to set and enforce boundaries. When she texts you, if it's not about the day to day caregiving of your child, then you ignore it. If she calls you, let it go to voicemail then listen to it.…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 02:46 PM
4

Here's a thread that exemplifies why trial is the quickest way to end your divorce: https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1cau56j/2_years_in_litigation/ Sending offers back and forth just generates billable hours for attorneys, which is their primary motivation. There's a whole other thread I need to write about managing your attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 01:56 PM
1

Underrated comment. The fastest way to finalize a divorce is to set sail for trial. You end up paying less in the long run.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 01:50 PM
1

Case law is going to offer you the insight about how a student is defined (if they withdraw from all classes, are they really a student?), if grades matter (if they're failing, are you released from your obligations?) and other factors. There's crossover with high school and determining child support. There was one dad I knew alienated from his 21yo son who had not graduated from high school yet. He and his mother were plotting against the father just so child support could continue, since most …
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 01:13 PM
2

Texas seems more reasonable than many other states in that regard.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 01:07 PM
2

Ideally that would be the case. Some states like NJ require post secondary education to be included in the parenting plan. If OP voluntarily agreed to paying for college in the parenting plan, then he's on the hook for it whether he lives in one of those states or not. My problem with paying half (assuming the mother pays the other half) is that the child has no skin in the game. In a perfect world, each party would pay one-third. With my kids, I assist them financially for As and Bs. Getting a …
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 01:04 PM
1

The judge will compare future living arrangements on both sides In my experience, judges only focus on the reality that exists "now" not what might happen in the future. Also, custody is awarded to the parent not the conditions. Parents living in an RV or even couch surfing get awarded custody. Kids getting their own bedroom is a luxury not a requirement.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 12:56 PM
2

You're not the only one who doesn't like putting kids in control of which parent to live with. And I'm in the only state where the child's choice is presumptive at 14. The decision to reject a parent requires more maturity than the decision to have consensual sex. It's not so simple for the kids, and causes horrible issues with the parent who is rejected. The child becomes the focus of intense pressures and intimidation. It's also not a zero-sum game. The parent would still have parenting time a…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 12:50 PM
2

We all know how corrupt family court is Courts, like everyone, are biased towards females. Here's a study from 1991 that captures it in black and white: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1471-6402.1991.tb00792.x "In an experiment in which male and female respondents evaluated the social category of women or men on several types of measures, analysis of respondents' attitudes toward the sexes and of the evaluative content of their beliefs established that they evaluated women more…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 12:36 PM
1

You can engage with an attorney for unbundled services. Basically you won't be represented by an attorney, but rather would have the attorney review paperwork for correctness.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 12:22 PM
3

Hi. I want you to reach around to your lower back. Feel that bump? It's your spine. You need to start using it. It’s so hard to know I’m going to devastate her You have classic validation seeking behavior, and have likely implemented covert contracts with your wife. First step is for you to read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover (a psychiatrist). It will help you deal with both of those issues which are preventing you from ripping off the bandaid. Then go read "When I Say No I…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 12:21 PM
2

I'd have more but my wife has managed to spend everything in our account for the last year. You need to take control of your finances. Here's how one guy did it: https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/588e5o/gain_control_of_the_treasury/
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 12:12 PM
1

Depends on the state. What state are you in? If you haven't filed yet, then you need to open up a separate checking account and start depositing your paycheck there. With your credit cards, open up a new one in your name only. Right before you file, you freeze your joint credit cards so no new charges can be added. If your wife does the grocery shopping, then you give her gift cards to the local grocery chain to keep doing that. As long as the bills are still paid (utilities, etc) and her essent…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 12:11 PM
3

She's not going to get much in spousal support for a four year marriage. It'll be two years of spousal support in most states. The longer you wait to divorce, the longer you will pay spousal support. If that's not a hell of a motivator, then I don't know what is. You're dragging your feet because you've probably never dealt with the law before and have no idea what to expect or how to start. Let me break the ice for you. Here's why you need an attorney and how to find one: https://www.reddit.com…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 12:00 PM
2

I know the system is stacked against men/fathers, but what do you guys think in my case I have a chance? A chance at what? Status quo is the greatest bias of the court. And right now she's setting herself up for primary parent. She can move out, but the kids need to remain in the marital residence. How old are your kids, and what state are you in? It matters for custody/defacto parenting time.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 11:49 AM
1

Getting someone with BPD to agree to an eval is the hardest part. You're one of the very few men I've met who claimed to have a BPD spouse to actually get them diagnosed. Good job. With regards to custody, are you seeking supervised parenting time? It's something to consider, at least until she's being treated by a physician.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 07:12 PM
13

You're seeing first hand that projection (aka gaslighting) is a self-defense mechanism for women. You can't go a day in this sub without someone posting a similar story to yours.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 06:53 PM
1

The consulting answer: "It depends". Too many variables to answer the question. Would you want to take that chance? And I don't know about you, but I sure as shit don't want to be working to age 67 just to pay a blood sucking parasite.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 06:51 PM
1

As in it's stipulated within your parenting plan, or it's a verbal agreement with your son? It's not clear from your post. The problem with you paying half means he has no skin in the game, assuming the mother is responsible for the other half. Ideally, each party would be responsible for one-third. But even that isn't realistic if he's attending private schools, law school, med school, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 06:49 PM
3

we had documented in a prior police report Good job for doing the hard things. If more men actually pressed changes against their wife when shit like this happened, there would be fewer sob stories here. Most of the men here are too scared to get the police involved. Just curious, has she completed a court-recognized chemical dependency program? If not, you should consider supervised parenting time until she does. And for about 12 months afterwards, require her to blow a 0.00 before her parentin…
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 06:44 PM
1

BPD diagnosed by whom? You? Her? Or an actual physician? Because the nature of BPD makes it nearly impossible to clinically diagnose. If you haven't already, you need to read this book: "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder"
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 06:40 PM
1

Time to retain a family law attorney. Here's why and how: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 06:37 PM
1

I plan to stay in the home before the divorce purely for financial reasons. That's smart. Here's an indepth explanation why it's the most optimal choice: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/ You don't need to schedule parenting time or have a temp parenting time order when you live in the same home.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 06:36 PM
3

I am wondering if it is worth to get an attorney for the hearing. If you have to ask, we're here to hit you upside your head with a clue-by-four. You do not DIY court hearings. You want results, not a bargain.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 06:34 PM
1

No More Mr. Nice Guy to address your validation seeking behavior and covert contracts. When I Say No I Feel Guilty to address your shame. The assertive Bill of Rights in that book is written for every guy in this sub who can't say no to their STBX. I recommend the accompanying video episodes on Rian Stone's YouTube channel to help you absorb and internalize the information faster. Be sure to read the chapter before you watch the corresponding video.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 06:32 PM
2

If you're divorcing, the last thing you want to do is buy a house. Go rent something instead if you don't want to rent from your MIL.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 06:30 PM
1

Here's an entire thread about it: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 06:28 PM
1

You don't get divorced to remain best friends. Her responses are BIFF: Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm. It's the same format you should be using. And the only thing you talk to her about is the day to day caring-giving of the children.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 06:28 PM
7

Laugh at her for spending $150 contacting her attorney about parking in your driveway. Be sure to do that every time to wrack up her legal fees. Exchanges are about to get much less drama inducing when your kiddo goes to school in the fall. Exchanges will be done after school, so you won't even see the mother unless it's a holiday or the summer.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 06:25 PM
3

Considering you posted here, I'd say it's working. Stop caring what she does. You can't control her behavior. You can only control your response to her behavior.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 06:20 PM
2

She is trying to be friendly and asked me to goto her classroom first if i want , but why would i? You have the right mindset. Keep trusting your gut. my boys up bringing is h going to suffer. Says who? I divorced six years ago. Both of my boys are fantastic. Kids are more resilient than you think.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 06:19 PM
1

Walt was your real the first move towards separation and divorce?! Accepting my marriage was over. Don't move out before divorce is final. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 06:15 PM
1

I understand why you came here: No one is as smart as all of us. But you act like you aren't listening. Advice sucks. Most of the time it isn't advice, it's some bozo half way around the world espousing his values (read: hopes) as if they were commandments. I have only ever seen one piece of advice in here that was any use for any man. One piece of advice that works 100% of the time, and stands up to scrutiny. And it's this: I tried this and it did that. You obviously aren't getting straight tal…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 06:39 PM
1

New Mexico law (§ 40-4-9 B) states that: “If the minor is fourteen years of age or older, the court shall consider the desires of the minor as to with whom he wishes to live before awarding custody of such minor.” Georgia's law is presumptive. This means unless the child's best interests are jeopardized, the judge will allow the child to choose which parent he or she wants to live with. TLDR: In NM, a child's choice is just one factor not *the* factor. I recommend you look through case law using…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 06:11 PM
2

Who is setting the expectation that you are paying for half? The state? You? Your son? The mother? Most states do not stipulate post-secondary education costs.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 05:54 PM
2

You're in Georgia I assume? That's the only statue where a child's choice is presumptive at age 14.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 05:52 PM
1

Yes, judges have wide latitude from the bench. But I'd rather take my chances with having a non-modifiable/non-revisitable stipulation around spousal support than not because it's a larger hurdle to overcome. And in divorce, you play the percentages.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 05:30 PM
2

5 year marriage is nothing. In most states you'd be looking at 2.5 years of spousal support. Better to do it now than 10 years, which is considered a long-term marriage in most states. For long term marriages, spousal support can last much longer than half the duration of the marriage. I divorced in my late 40s. Six years later my net worth is more than it was when I was married, but I don't have to worry about a spendthrift wife buying stupid shit. So you've got more time than I did. And your a…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 05:28 PM
1

Read this: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 05:24 PM
8

Ah you're right, I misread the title. It's a pretty simple reason why the marital split of assets and liabilities is 50/50: Taxpayers don't want to pay one of the parties to receive welfare. The idiotic thing about the financial side of divorce is spousal support. It should be rehabilitative not a retirement plan. Indiana does it right: Spousal support is limited to three years. SS in California with a 10+ year marriage is a nightmare to get terminated. SS in Massachusetts with a 20+ year marria…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 02:43 PM
1

An example of why you don't move out, and don't allow others to gatekeep where you live: https://www.reddit.com/r/DivorcedDads/comments/1ccsoxc/custody_battles_are_exhausting/
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 02:34 PM
2

I have to see them multiple times a week for kid exchange. Why aren't you doing exchanges at school? That's the norm. Less drama that way, and certainly less triggering for you. Something else that helped me after being with her for 24 years: Setting firm boundaries on communication. All comms go through Our Family Wizard. No texting or phone calls unless it's an emergency. Even if you don't have OFW stipulated in your parenting plan like I do, you can respond to texts with "Sounds important, se…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 01:56 PM
1

Then post your strategy to steelman it. The fact that you came here looking for answers tells us everything we need to know. Day 38. Tick tock.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 12:49 PM
4

It's lifetime spousal support in MA for marriages of 20+ years. Assets and liabilities will be split 50/50. After 30 years, it's not "her assets" or "your assets" its "marital assets". If you have a fear of being alienated by your adult children because of divorce, then there's something else going on with your relationship with them.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 12:47 PM
14

Take some time to go watch videos from the National Parents Org who has been spearheading presumptive 50% parenting time bills in states like Ohio. They call out who opposes it: judges, GALs, attorneys and the Bar. Why? Because it would put them out of a job.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 12:44 PM
2

What's the market rate of allowing her to rent space in your head? Because you need to evict her. A couple of actionable things you can do to achieve that: Imagine you have a magical Don't Give a Fuck meter that allows you to ignore her. Turn it up to 11. To help you get there, put a rubber band around your wrist. Every time you think about your ex, say "STOP" and snap the rubber band. It's a technique based in aversion (behavioral) therapy and used for decades to cease undesired behaviors. And …
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 12:31 PM
3

Not taking "no" for an answer is something most guys in this sub struggle with, and it has nothing to do with the wife. It's about lack of boundary enforcement, because men are too enamored with pussy or rather the threat of not getting sex. They become a boiled frog from 1000 concessions.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 02:07 AM
1

Don't feel broken because your marriage is over. It doesn't define who you are. You're still young enough that divorce is not going to be something that's going to linger with you for years. And should you consider marriage again in the future, you'll be better prepared. Hell, I wrote a bunch of advice to my sons about getting married. I'll share it with you: Not until you have dated a ton of women, found gainful employment, established yourself a career, and started saving for retirement, shoul…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 12:31 AM
1

You don't get an award for staying in a miserable marriage. Go talk to an attorney first. Here's why and how: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 12:27 AM
9

I barely bring home $3,000 every month Divorce is a hell of a motivator to level up your career. Within six months of my divorce, I changed employers to make 20% more. Then I got promoted. Six years post divorce and my income is 50% higher than it was when I was married. You can do it too. The shit you're dealing with is temporary. I know, I was there too. I lived with my then-wife for 12 months during the divorce. It took a huge toll on my mental health. Now I'm living my best life.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 12:12 AM
4

It's personal calculus only you can really solve for because of all the variables. In general, take whatever amount you'd pay over the course of spousal support and offer 60-65% of that. Not allowing her to revisit spousal support once she runs out is huge peace of mind. And that happens more than you read about in this sub.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 12:08 AM
5

Alimony is based on your income at the time divorce is finalized. Just ask Dave Foley.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 12:03 AM
2

You're the only one playing by the rules. You've got all the answers, yet here you are 37 days later without her discovery and no plan forward.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/24 07:28 PM
6

Doesn't matter if she decides to be voluntarily unemployed. You'll still impute her income as if she was working full-time for CS/SS calculations. You can't control her behavior. You can't make her accept the divorce. Stop trying to get her to see a therapist. The only control you have is ensuring the divorce process proceeds with or without her cooperation. If you truly think she's BPD, then you need to read "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic…
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/24 07:24 PM
4

Winner winner chicken dinner.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/24 07:14 PM
4

You can't control the behavior of the mother. She's going to be her own worst enemy because she's prioritizing her "Eat, Pray, Love" journey over everything else. Her lies about you are classic projection/gaslighting. Legally, the children have the right to both parents. So if the mother is going to live locally, EOW is what she'll get. But if the mother isn't going to do the things that the judge has ordered her to do, and continues to live in France, then she'll get nothing until she complies.…
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/24 01:39 PM
1

He may live in a state that includes college expenses as part of child support obligations.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/24 10:22 AM
2

Discovery is a prerequisite. Going to trial without knowing the financials is officially "winging it".
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/24 10:12 AM
2

As we get older our problems only become more complex. So we have to get better at problem solving.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/24 10:11 AM
4

He's right. It's an exchange of information. As you're seeing first hand, deadlines don't mean shit to her.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/24 10:11 AM
6

You'll need to refinance if you want to keep the house, because she doesn't want a financial entanglement with you post divorce. If you can't afford to refinance, then you really can't afford to keep the house.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/24 10:06 AM
7

She refuses to allow our child and I to go indoors without a Covid mask. You're a grown ass adult. Start acting like you have a choice, because you do. You installed her as gatekeeper, and can do the same to remove her as gatekeeper.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/24 10:04 AM
7

Then I guess I'll file for divorce later this summer after things settle down. Pull off the bandaid after your exams.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/24 09:59 AM
2

I only have "X" amount of money available to me. Money is a renewable resource. If you don't like your income, then there's nothing like divorce to motivate you to level up your career. I know it did for me, and I'm making 50% more now than when I divorced. If you don't know what the hold up is, then you aren't managing your attorney well. No one cares more about your divorce than you. Not her, not the judge, and not your attorney. If you don't have a plan you're executing on, then you've got no…
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/24 10:07 PM
2

Get it out of your mind that you can save money by being timid. Divorce is going to cost you money -- certainly more than you want to spend -- because you want results not a bargain. Read this guy's situation who thought he could save money DIYing it, and now he's in a nightmare where he's spending multiples of time, attention and money: https://old.reddit.com/r/DivorcedDads/comments/1cb4itg/advice_during_unfit_parent_winning_divorce/ Without completing discovery, you are officially "winging it"…
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/24 08:30 PM
1

Here's how to find an attorney in your area: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/24 06:29 PM
4

You have to play the system. My then-wife didn't comply with discovery either. What OC allowed to be sent over was an embarrassment. Motion to Compel was filed. You have to do that to demonstrate you're not taking their shit, and are going to follow through. Too many men are willing to just fall on their sword to get the divorce over with. Glad I went through with it, because it produced some very interesting information about money she had been funneling to her mother. So stop thinking about it…
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/24 06:28 PM
5

CS can only be recalculated every 2-3 years (depends on the state). And it's not automatic -- the mother will have to request it. So if the mother is uninformed, or is distracted by Mr. Wonderful, CS recalcs may not happen for years if ever. Even if she's on top of it every time it can be recalculated, the raises you get can offset the CS so you can get ahead more. If you're just starting your career, you will be able to outpace CS. So don't let CS stop you from advancement. And realize CS is no…
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/24 06:22 PM
0

You mean in mediation, or just the divorce process in general? Because it shouldn't take you two years to complete a trial, unless there's something else going on like a bankruptcy pausing the proceedings.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/24 06:17 PM
3

People who spend their life looking in the rearview mirror tend to crash their cars. You can't do anything about what your wife did, other than to forgive. Forgiveness isn't for her, it's for you so you can move on with your life. It's letting go of anger, resentment, any desire for any type of revenge, any thoughts of hoping she will fail because of her decision, etc.‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬ She couldn't care less about your forgiveness because she believes she didn't do anything wrong. Whe…
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/24 02:14 AM
3

Divorce is exhausting. It'll take time to recover, like getting over the flu. Just take it day by day.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/24 02:09 AM
3

^ This ^ I recommend it as a follow up to No More Mr. Nice Guy. The Assertive Bill of Rights within the book is essential reading, and will help restore your confidence. After that, I recommend "The Obstacle is the Way" as an introduction into Stoicism. It's such a pragmatic way of thinking as you wrestle with your ex doing stupid shit -- it's like an operating system for life.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/24 02:07 AM
2

You'll have a set of defined holidays that you will alternate between: Christmas, Thanksgiving (if in the US), New Year's, Spring Break, July 4 (in the US), etc. Insert whatever cultural or national holidays are relevant to you. On even numbered years, kids will be with the mother for Christmas and with the father during odd numbered years. Christmas will be defined by your schools winter break schedule. You do that for each defined holiday, typically alternating between the mother and father so…
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/24 02:00 AM
1

If it doesn't work out? Dude, wake up. Your relationship is *over*. No one that comes here wants to admit it, because of the sunk cost fallacy. I can tell you from being in a similar situation that life on the other side is way better than being trapped in a loveless marriage with a harpy.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 10:40 PM
1

You can't control her behavior. You can only control your response to her behavior. Stand your ground about 50% parenting time, no matter what. The worst outcome that could happen is it goes before a judge and you end up with Texas Expanded Standard Possession Order which is 42% parenting time. And if need be, you can always bribe her for 50% parenting time. It's such a distasteful thing to think about, but it can be effective.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 09:50 PM
3

Couples therapy is a WOMBAT: waste of money, brains and time. You've been there multiple times and you already know the outcome. Going again is the definition of insanity: Doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. Only 15% of couples are totally satisfied with marriage. The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attraction, affe…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 09:46 PM
6

Attorneys are paid by the hour, so you can easily figure out how much trial is going to potentially cost you. Trial is absolutely the way to settle a divorce, especially if your wife is not willing to turn off her princess entitlement mindset. You can expect an 11th hour deal outside the courtroom, because the fear, uncertainty and doubt of a stranger in robes making a life-altering decision on her behalf is often what it takes. In the long run, going to trial is going to cost you less than swap…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 04:20 PM
4

There's an entire process within divorce called discovery where you exchange documentation for financial accounts, credit cards, etc. If the answers are important, then you'll get the answers during that phase. If you're just starting your divorce (regardless of your separation time), then answer the best that you can with the information you have.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 03:58 PM
1

Damn that's a hell of an injury. Definitely focus on your recovery rather than dating. That way you have your best self to put forward later.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 03:56 PM
2

So have you completed physical therapy? Or are you on permanent disability?
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 03:21 PM
8

This is what winning looks like. The best revenge is a life well lived. Like Elvis Costello sings, "I wish you luck with a capital 'F'."
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 03:14 PM
1

I doubt it's unique. If she's not in search of another man, then another woman, or another tryst, another polyarmorous situation or whatever sexual relationship she wants.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 03:11 PM
6

You can't parent your children from 1000 miles away. Live where they live. That will be Germany, because that's where you live now.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 03:09 PM
8

You aren't going to be blindsided, because your eyes are finally open. You nailed it exactly with the "Eat, Pray, Love" fantasy about finding herself. It's not your problem if she doesn't realize the banquet of consequences she's about to sit down to. She's a grown ass adult and will thrive or not on her own. It should be a relief to you. You are no longer her white knight. She and her problems are no longer yours to solve. I too initiated my divorce. I'm six years past it, and living my best li…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 03:07 PM
7

well things be better once everything is finalized? I'm six years divorce and living my best life. Divorce sucked, but it was a necessary crucible. You're stronger than you realize. You're doing all the right things. Keep it up. If not for you, then as a role model for your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 01:11 PM
1

It's not about your age. Men in their 50s fuck women in their 20s and 30s. She got bored with you. Stop listening to her accusations. It's called projection aka gaslightning.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 11:10 AM
1

Read this about not moving out in NC before the separation agreement is in place: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 11:08 AM
1

It's part of the woman's divorce playbook. 70% of DV claims are false, and women are not prosecuted for lying about it.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 11:07 AM
2

You need to discuss your situation with an attorney. Here's why and how to find one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ If you're hemorrhaging money, then you need to take control of your finances. Here's how another man did it in his marriage: https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/588e5o/gain_control_of_the_treasury/ There are ways to use her cannabis use against her. But you need to discuss those with your attorney beca…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 11:06 AM
2

88% of parenting time agreements are settled between the two parties. You'll likely be in that category. So stand your ground on 50% parenting time during the mediation process, even though Texas judges do not award it.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 10:24 AM
1

You need to change your schedule ASAP and start doing the drop offs. Yes, you need to stand your ground about 50% parenting time. She's going to gaslight you saying you don't do anything/she does everything.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 10:22 AM
1

Time to find some new hobbies. Certainly there must be something you gave up during the marriage that you used to do, or wanted to get into but your wife told you no.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 10:20 AM
8

Every man has the misconception that their divorce can be amicable. That lasts until the man doesn't fall on his sword when the woman asks for the sun, the moon and the stars. Using an attorney is standard in divorce. What that conversation should tell you is that she's already 10 steps ahead of you, because she's got a gaggle of divorced hens whispering in her ear.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 10:17 AM
2

You’re going to spend about 85 years with yourself. Learn to enjoy spending time alone. If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company. Don’t get into a relationship if you aren’t comfortable living alone. You must become independent before you can become interdependent.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 10:13 AM
6

It's a common experience because men aren't educated about female nature. Most men think men and women are the same except we have different plumbing, which isn't true. We have very different goals and we think differently. I recommend getting familiar with evolutionary psychology and biology, starting with David Buss' "The Evolution of Desire".
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 10:10 AM
4

What rituals do you have with your son? Do you have dinner together? Do you go out to the local greasy spoon for breakfast? Do you go for a walk with him Sunday mornings to talk about the world?
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 10:07 AM
5

You need to get the idea out of your head that he's your step-son. Legally, you are a stranger to him. That's why you have zero parenting time. She's still using you post-divorce. She doesn't give a fuck about you.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 10:06 AM
6

8 months of jail time? Hahahahahahaha. Her attorney is delusional. Her attorney is just trying to strong arm you. Contempt is not in-an-of-itself a failure to follow the stipulations. Contempt is an offense against the judge. So only a judge can hold you in contempt. That requires *willful* and *intentional* actions by you to not meet the stipulations, which is not the case with what you described. You are under zero obligation to take your child to an extracurricular activity. Note the *extra* …
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 10:03 AM
7

This is fantastic advice. OP, you need to reconstruct yourself first. You're one blow job away from clearing out closet space for a woman.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 09:56 AM
18

Men's burden of performance never ends. Forget about women for a minute. Post-divorce, have you leveled up your job? Changed employers to get a higher salary? Gotten a promotion? Pivoted careers to make more money? For me, divorce was a hell of a motivator to make more money. Six years post divorce and I'm 50% higher income than I was at the time of divorce, and I divorced in my 40s.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 09:53 AM
2

Settle custody before finances. How many hours a week does your wife work on her fledgling business, and how much money has she sunk into it?
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/24 12:49 PM
4

Looks like you're in a much better place health-wise losing the dad bod.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/24 12:48 PM
1

What's your parenting time goal?
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/24 12:29 PM
1

Judges rule based on what the reality of the situation is, not what you might do. So if you're going to start doing dropoffs or pickups, you need to do that now. You're going to have to do that post-divorce anyway. If I were in your situation, then I'd make 50% parenting time my hill to die on.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/24 12:28 PM
1

She's put herself back in the sexual market. She's likely started hitting the gym or some other workout program. Have you contacted an attorney yet? Like I said, she's already 10 steps ahead of you.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/24 12:24 PM
6

Clean up one mess before creating another.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/24 12:22 PM
2

You don't mention how long you've been losing weight, or what your starting weight was.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/24 12:19 PM
5

Have you retained an attorney yet? That's more important than talking to a mortgage broker.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/24 12:17 PM
1

Do you have any hobbies?
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/24 12:16 PM
8

You're dealing with two separate actions here: Divorce. You need to bring up the fact that your wife has been dissipating marital funds. That is going to affect how marital assets and liabilities are split. You absolutely need to perform discovery, because what you found is probably the tip of the iceberg with her gambling. Fraud. If someone else has been opening up credit in your name, then you need to work with a different attorney. It may be worthwhile for you to discuss your situation with a…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/24 12:14 PM
1

Any kids?
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/24 12:10 PM
1

How would that play out if it went to a judge post-divorce? Like, one party is keeping the other party from dog time. Wouldn't the judge be likely to just strike that stipulation because it's drama inducing, since pets aren't children?
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/24 10:15 PM
1

Status quo is the greatest bias of the court. Does your wife work full time? Who does the heavy lifting with the kids? Dropping them off/picking them up? Doing homework with them? Giving them a bath? Taking them to birthday parties and healthcare appointments?
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/24 04:21 PM
3

It's called projection, also known as gaslighting. My ex claimed all sorts of things that put me in a not-so-kind light about our kids. It was everything that she was failing to do with our kids when I was being SuperDad.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/24 04:19 PM
1

The entire $12.6B (in 2022) divorce industrial complex in the US is all about money. Judges and politicians absolutely care about funding their court because they are understaffed (see link below). You can go watch National Parents Org videos about trying to get presumptive 50% parenting time for parents, and *everyone* with a financial dog in the fight works against it -- judges, GALs, attorneys, the Bar. Why? Because it would put them out of a job. NJ news item about the court situation: https…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/24 04:14 PM
7

You work with an attorney to get her served. People ditching service isn't anything new, and there are other ways to serve her than having a sheriff do it.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/24 04:00 PM
5

At the end of the day, you should each be walking away with about half of the marital assets and liabilities. That includes credit card debt, car loans, car value, financial accounts, etc. If you take on more liabilities, then you should also be receiving more assets to balance it out. Think of it as a ledger with two columns: Yours and Hers. They should be about equal.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/24 03:58 PM
6

Forgiveness isn't for her, it's for you so you can move on with your life. It's letting go of anger, resentment, any desire for any type of revenge, any thoughts of hoping she will fail because of her decision, etc.‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬ She couldn't care less about your forgiveness because she believes she didn't do anything wrong. When dealing with a high-conflict spouse, it doesn't matter what you do or could have done, it will still be wrong. A wise man once said, "You could walk on wa…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/24 03:56 PM
8

Your story isn't unique. In fact if you spend any time here, you'll see it's a common theme. You can't "save" a marriage. Besides the fact that it takes two people working in lockstep to make a marriage work, genuine desire cannot be negotiated. You need to capitalize on her affair fog and get the divorce finalized. The fact that you have 80% parenting time handed to you on a silver platter is nothing short of a miracle.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/24 03:53 PM
1

You're missing the point. The states are financially incentivized to enforce Child Support. So judges are always going to implement CS guidelines when it's brought before them, even if the party had previously agreed to $0 CS.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/24 03:00 PM
1

What's the craziest divorce-related judge ruling you've seen?
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/24 12:50 PM
2

If your male client has firearms in the marital residence, what should they do with them prior to filing (if they plan to file) or once divorce is filed by the wife?
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/24 12:10 PM
2

You want results, not a bargain. Here's how to find and interview several attorneys: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 11:02 PM
1

https://www.acf.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/documents/ocse/state_financing_of_cse_programs_final_report.pdf Page 10: "The Federal government reimburses states for 66 percent of allowable child support outlays." You can Google how much each state collected in CS each year. Texas collects more than any other each year. 2020 numbers: https://www.texasattorneygeneral.gov/news/releases/ag-paxtons-child-support-division-sets-new-record-collecting-48-billion-texas-children Level up your Google-fu.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 08:43 PM
2

States don’t receive reimbursements from the fed for SS. Like all other things in life, internet search is a good place to start.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 07:13 PM
12

Women expect the men to lead the relationship. They will yell, scream and say otherwise, but at the end of the day they want a man to be the captain of the ship. Every woman secretly craves a man who doesn’t tolerate disrespect, aggressively pursues what he wants, seems exciting, assertive and dangerous. A man that does as he pleases is attractive to women. He knows where he came from, where he’s going, and why he rolls out of bed each morning. Men want to be him; women want to be with him. Wome…
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 06:21 PM
3

It's evolutionary biology and psychology. I recommend reading David Buss' "The Evolution of Desire". He's been doing academic research on the subject for three decades.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 06:18 PM
19

If she's already mentioned divorce to you, then she's 10 steps ahead. You can't negotiate genuine desire. And you don't get a prize for staying in a miserable marriage. Here's how you find an attorney: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 06:09 PM
2

If you want to get your life in order, then start a workout program like Stronglifts: https://stronglifts.com/stronglifts-5x5/. It's a chance to be selfish. Your workout is where no one is allowed to talk to you. No one is allowed to bother you. You aren’t required to think about anything else while you have weights over your head. You’re doing something for nobody’s benefit other than your own. This may be the first time in your life you’re looking out for your own best interests. It’s such a s…
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 03:48 PM
5

Exactly. There's a word that sums up responsibility without authority: Slavery.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 02:35 PM
8

You're doing all the right things. Until divorce is finalized, you won't be able to complete reconstruction. It'll take about a year after divorce, as you navigate your way through birthdays, holidays and anniversaries for the first time. I'm six years beyond my divorce. I'm living my best life, and so are my kids. I don't think about what my marriage was. I think about what my life is, and what I'm planning to do.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 02:24 PM
10

Trying to terminate CS is a trap. Here's the deal: No matter what deal you make with her, she can take it to a judge later. And a judge will *always* implement CS according to the state's guidelines because the state receives financial benefits from the federal gov't for enforcing CS. So forget about using CS as a bargaining chip because it isn't one.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 02:21 PM
3

What kind of narc behavior are you dealing with? If you want a support network, it's your buddy not his wife.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 02:19 PM
1

Dude, you need to work with an attorney to get this done instead of asking internet strangers especially since it's a multijurisdictional situation. Here's why you need an attorney and how to find one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 02:11 PM
2

Stop trying to DIY this and go talk to an attorney. Here's why and how: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ How has paternity been established?
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 02:08 PM
1

People who lives their lives looking in the rearview mirror tend to crash their car. Do you go to the gym? Do you have any hobbies?
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 02:05 PM
1

5 years? Ridiculous. Why can't you use the same process that receiving unemployment benefits does? If you aren't familiar, if you want to receive unemployment benefits from the state, you have to demonstrate you're actually looking for jobs on a weekly basis. You have to provide a list of employers you've applied to, specify any interviews you've had, and report any job offers you've received (even if you reject it). There's a minimum amount you have to do per week in order to receive benefits f…
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 01:56 PM
1

What the hell have you been doing for 15 months if you don't have a temporary parenting plan in place? That's something that gets done within a couple weeks in situations like yours.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 01:51 PM
5

It's not just about being fit and attractive. You have validation seeking behavior coming here asking others if you have value in yourself. As you're finding out the hard way, that's not going to serve you well in life. Not much you can do about it now, but you'll need to address it during your reconstruction process. Start by reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover to address your validation seeking and covert contracts.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 01:45 PM
7

She got bored.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 01:40 PM
7

Deal breaker for just dating? No. But make sure you're setting boundaries. You have the self-limiting belief that every relationship you have has to be "serious". When women ask me what I'm looking for, I tell them "I'm just dating". I make it clear at the start. If they try to make it serious, I tell them its comply or goodbye. Paying for dates or whatever isn't a big deal. But if she wants you to start paying for her kids, or start being a stand-in father for them, that's when you nope out of …
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 01:33 PM
6

Get familiar with the Gavron Warning and Richmond Order. You imputed her income at full-time minimum wage, or based on her education if she has a college degree - right?
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 10:08 PM
1

Out of the hundreds of men I've worked with going through divorce, the ones that remained in the marital home until it was final are the most successful. That includes me. I stayed in my home for 12 months, living in a different room from her. You can too.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 09:06 PM
1

The court process is a system and it can be played. Non-compliance is absolutely an option, at least temporarily. The jail you're talking about is for non-payment of child support, in which the state has a financial interest in since it receives reimbursement of 66% administrative costs from the federal gov't. And in that specific case, you better know your purge amount if you find yourself before a judge and have dirty hands. In the example above of what *I* may do, you'll note the last line wh…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 09:00 PM
2

How long ago was divorce filed? You say you haven't gone to court for custody and asset division, but usually there are temp orders for custody and support while the divorce is being finalized.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 08:56 PM
4

My problem now is I'm starting to have thoughts about her and other guys. Get a rubberband and put it around your wrist. Every time you think about your ex, say "STOP" and snap the rubber band. It's a technique based in aversion (behavioral) therapy and used for decades to cease undesired behaviors. And it won't cost you $$$ in therapy bills.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 08:50 PM
6

Get X to come here and post if it's that important. Going through third-parties is like playing the telephone game as a kid. You never get the right story at the other end of the line.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 08:47 PM
3

I need us to start and maintain no contact. You do that through actions, not words. You can't control her behavior. You can only control your reaction to her behavior. Imagine you have a magical Don't Give a Fuck meter that allows you to ignore her shenanigans. Turn it up to 11. Now you can focus on something that matters. If that's not enough for you, then start wearing a rubberband around your wrist. Every time you think of your STBX, you say "STOP" and snap the rubberband. It's a form of aver…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 05:23 PM
1

Any thought? Be glad you didn't have kids with her, else you'd be entangled with her until someone died. Also, your people picker is pretty fucked up. Spend some time fixing that post-divorce or you're going to end right back here in another five years. You start by reading up on evolutionary biology and psychology to understand female nature. "The Evolution of Desire" by David Buss is a good starting point. It will explain why she wanted to fuck a guy in prison. I had clearly made my wishes kno…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 05:20 PM
1

All questions you need to direct to your attorney, because the answer is "it depends". There are many variables to your question, and no one here will know what they are. But your attorney will. This is how you find an attorney, and why you don't DIY your divorce: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 05:13 PM
1

Make sure you aren't moving out before divorce is final. Otherwise it can be fatal to getting your divorce done quickly, and fairly. https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 05:05 PM
4

No. I've been working with divorced men for six years, and went through my own. I belonged to a community that was around for 23 years (but no longer) which developed tactics and strategies for men going through divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 04:59 PM
4

What's the track record of couples therapy outcomes? That should speak for itself. If that's not enough, then the fact it's rooted in Germany's eugenics program should be eye opening.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 04:52 PM
9

You're in denial. You've already done couples therapy yet you haven't accepted that genuine desire cannot be negotiated. Negotiated desire only leads to obligated compliance which results in resentment by both parties, like starfish sex. As for the dresses, that's not all she's bought. She's being coached extremely well by other divorced hens. She's gonna have a whole new wardrobe shortly, on your dime. She's already 10 steps ahead of you. You need to wake the fuck up and start talking to an att…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 04:50 PM
2

but also to not give her the pleasure of receiving all that money at once. How much is the market price of paying rent in your head? Because you're allowing her to live there. You need to evict her. Here's the thing about deadlines like 30 days. It's difficult to enforce in a timely manner. If I were in a position like you, I would pay her some amount within the first 30 days - perhaps half. Then when I don't pay the balance, I'd expect to receive an angry attorney letter followed a week or two …
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 04:45 PM
3

Texas I assume, with Expanded Possession Order? 42% parenting time isn't that different than 50% parenting time. I'm six years past divorce. My kids were 7 and 11 when I pulled the pin on the divorce grenade. They're doing just fine. Here's the deal about parenting. You don't need any drama inducing stipulations like Right of First Refusal to spend more time with your kids. You simply make yourself available. There will be times where she will need to travel for vacation, or want to spend a nigh…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 04:37 PM
3

You’re going to spend about 85 years with yourself. Learn to enjoy spending time alone. If you are lonely when you are alone, you are in bad company. Don’t get into a relationship if you aren’t comfortable living alone. You must become independent before you can become interdependent.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 04:32 PM
4

You are not your job. Most of the men in this sub have probably gotten fired. I have. Twice. And it turned out to be the best thing for me because the next job I got was higher income and more interesting. How old are your kids?
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 04:30 PM
7

If your son lacks critical thinking skills at the age of 21 to determine if someone is lying, not much you can do about it now. The time to teach him those skills was a decade ago. You're spending way too much time thinking you know what your ex is thinking. The market rate of rent inside your head must be cheap as fuck for her to still be there. You need to evict her. Your son has his life to live, independent of you. When I was that age, my parents were lucky to get a call from me once a quart…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 04:28 PM
2

Yes you need legal counsel. Here's why and how to find it: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 04:23 PM
5

You can be civil with your ex post-divorce, but you need to enforce boundaries. You only talk about the day-to-day caregiving of the kids. You don't socialize with her. I'm six years divorced. If one of our kids had something horrific happen, we'd be working in lockstep to ensure the best possible recovery. That's why you need to come full circle with your ex after the divorce. As for couples counseling, it's a WOMBAT: waste of money, brains and time. The track record of the industry sucks, and …
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 04:22 PM
11

You can't control her behavior. You can only control your reaction to her behavior. So imagine you have a magical Don't Give a Fuck meter that allows you to ignore her shenanigans. Turn it up to 11. Now you can focus on something that matters.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 04:11 PM
1

How do I get her to think it’s her idea Why are you thinking like this? Is there some kind of prenup stipulation?
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 04:09 PM
14

If more men adopted your mindset, this sub would be a ghost town. She's doing it trying to get a reaction out of you. Good job not allowing her to push your buttons and for getting off social media. Especially the last thing. Social media is a user generated highlight reel of confirmation bias, virtue signaling and self-radicalization. It’s chock full of gossip, rumor and innuendo like a soap opera – in other words, attention whoring. Social media increases depression, loneliness and anxiety and…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 11:11 PM
3

What an awesome dad moment.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 11:01 PM
2

Wedding vows from women are nothing more than religious virtue signaling to try to impress other people. There is no incentive for women to stay married. Women want to get married, not to be married. They often love not so much their husbands, but their bridal-fantasy in which the man serves as a necessary prop. Marriage is validation for women, and perception is everything to a woman. A married woman has proved to her peers that she can get a husband. Among women, divorced women are higher stat…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 05:23 PM
2

how do I communicate with someone that tried to send me to jail Through an online portal like Our Family Wizard or Talking Parents. No texts, no phone, no emails. If she tries to tell you something in person, just respond with "Sounds important, send a message in OFW". Using OFW is a stipulation in my parenting plan that I insisted on. $100/year is worth the peace of mind it provides.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 04:29 PM
3

You don't listen to what women say, you watch what they do. Because the two are not congruent. It's easy for me to say it because it works. Not just for me, but for the thousands of men who adopted that mindset in the 23 years the Men's Divorce Forum was around. That's where it originates from. It de-escalates the situation, something that's painfully needed with your ex.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 03:09 PM
4

You can't control her behavior. Instead imagine you have a magical Don't Give a Fuck meter that allows you to ignore her shenanigans. Turn it up to 11. When she can't push your buttons, she won't get the dopamine hit that comes with it. When she's recording you, then smile. Say "hi" to the camera in a cheery tune. It's disarming. That stuff at the end is something she's never going to listen to. And some of that stuff just sounds weird like the back of the car comment.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 02:59 PM
2

Your wife is likely BPD. Read the book I recommended below. Any picture with any form of alcohol container in it is the mother's proof that you are the raging alcoholic bent on your child's destruction. Any picture without alcohol in it serves as evidence that you are hiding your drinking. You can have some success with the BPD mother that you must consider: Rule #1 - Two Degrees of Separation. You cannot have contact (no matter how innocent) with anyone who has contact with the mother (besides …
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 02:41 PM
3

Telling the OP he should have vetted harder isn't actionable. He can't get in his DeLorean and set the calendar back five years. The problem with vetting is that it’s a point in time approach, and people change over time. The vetting value lists are also largely guesswork, usually put together by another man who lets life happen to him and rationalizes it as preference. Vetting lists is building an identity, and then expecting everyone to play their part in the script resulting in rage if it’s n…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 12:19 PM
1

Stop taking legal advice from your therapist.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 12:13 PM
1

Say more words.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 12:09 PM
1

Here's the cost benefit analysis to think about: Personally I would rather pay $5k post-divorce to have my ex drag me into court about drama over a 2-hour ROFR and have a judge strike altogether or modify it to something sane like 48 hours, rather than pay $15k to a GAL now and delay the divorce by another six months.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 12:09 PM
3

Walking in egg shells. You need to read this book -- Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 12:04 PM
2

I’d like to settle now but highly doubtful Expect an 11th hour settlement outside the court room. It's a long walk up the courthouse steps. The fear, uncertainty and doubt of a stranger in robes making life-altering decisions on her behalf is often enough to be rational long enough to make a deal.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 11:55 AM
2

14 days is too frequent. In your final orders, make it 30 days at a minimum but I'd aim for 60. Streamline it by stipulating the use of Our Family Wizard within your parenting plan. There's an expense feature that tracks when it was created and when it was paid. This process will add friction to her requesting reimbursements, which works favorably for you. She'll end up batching them together instead of peppering you with requests, or she may not even bother with some reimbursements. You can als…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 11:54 AM
2

I work for my ex father so it adds a huge amount of stress on me. I get ptsd just going to the office. Then find a new employer. It's not complicated. People change jobs all the time.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 10:08 AM
1

Make your point about Gestalt. I'm a fan of "always be learning", though classifying my experiences/perception as problematic aren't helping you.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 10:05 AM
12

Don't solve a temporary problem with a permanent solution. Relationships are a drug addiction, literally. The same area of the brain that processes romantic love is also stimulated during cocaine use. It's going to take you a while to detox yourself from the loss of dopamine. You can mitigate the cold turkey aspect similar to how methadone works -- replace the addiction with something else that allows you to wean yourself from the original addiction. It's one of many reasons you hear men tell ot…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 09:50 AM
6

The fundamental problem you're facing is that a 3yo doesn't understand reasoning like an adult does. A child's brain is like a bowl of warm Jello until they're about 8yo when they understand right from wrong. You're going to have to continue having age-appropriate conversations with your daughter to reinforce you're still part of her life.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 09:41 AM
0

Yeah get an attorney. Legal advice is something to discuss with them, not internet strangers. This is how you find an attorney: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 11:41 PM
1

Yeah I do make alot of assumptions because I've been doing it for six years and it's all the same. You'll also notice that the lifespan of most posters here is that of a fruit fly. People rarely stick around past their Batman origin story. I couldn't care less if you find my responses repetitive. I've leave it up to the OPs to determine if they find my responses actionable.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 11:30 PM
3

You can do the financial split on the back of a napkin. Add up all marital assets and liabilities, then divide by two. You each get half. Divorce is just the process of deciding who keeps the house and which party gets paid their equity split. If you can't decide on who keeps the house, then a judge is likely to order it sold and the proceeds split. The same goes for credit card debt, cars, etc. Financial accounts are typically used at the end to balance out the marital ledger. If your wife is w…
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 07:13 PM
2

It's about the individual attorney that's representing you. Have they litigated divorce cases? Do they know civil procedure? Firms are more necessary when you're dealing with a multijurisdictional divorce (ie, across state or country boundaries) because the likelihood of you finding one person with the exact experience you need for both jurisdictions is slim.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 05:22 PM
1

Here's how to find an attorney, and why you don't want "free advice": https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 03:48 PM
4

How old are your children? Appointing a GAL is standard procedure for determining parenting time when parents cannot agree. A judge will simply rubberstamp the recommendation unless one party can demonstrate why the GAL's recommendation should not be adopted. Expect the GAL to take 6 months to write the report, and cost you $15k (split evenly between both parties). Anything less than a 48 hour ROFR is drama inducing. Examples: It doesn't allow the kids to spend the weekend at grandma's or sleepo…
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 03:16 PM
2

Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. The lack of sex and several other reasons were why I pulled the pin on the divorce grenade. When you're ready, you'll know. There was a moment when I had the same mindset as you, and my then-wife did something that annoyed me. A switch inside my head clicked and I said to myself, "That's it, we're done." My kids were 7 and 11 at the time. I'm six years past my divorce and living my best life now. So are my kids. Something to consider: The point of …
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 02:52 PM
2

The only people putting thoughts into your head about fighting is you. I already explained why you each need an attorney and how this is not acrimonious. This is standard procedure in divorce. Consider paying attorneys the "tax" you have to pay for divorcing. Without you both represented by an attorney, you're leaving yourself open to revisiting the marital settlement agreement later.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 02:46 PM
2

Your kids are 6, 4 and 2 so I don't know why you're trying to deflect the discussion about your 22yo son. When you live 1200 miles away, you can't attend parent-teacher meetings. You won't meet your children's friends. You won't meet their first boyfriend/girlfriend. You can't attend extracurricular activities. You can't see them off to their first prom. You aren't going to be the one to teach them how to drive. You won't be there to deal with the day-to-day peer pressure and teen angst they stu…
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 02:43 PM
6

Good plan with cleaning up one mess before creating another, especially when you're embroiled in a custody battle. Introducing a woman into the dynamic right now would be like giving your STBX a can of gasoline while you're holding a lit match.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 02:31 PM
1

This is a question you should be asking your attorney. If you don't have one, that's extremely concerning.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 02:30 PM
3

When you're ready, you'll know. There was a moment when I had the same mindset as you where my then-wife did something. A switch inside my head clicked and I said to myself, "That's it, we're done." Something else to consider: The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attraction, affection, respect and love that you enter into to make it easier for both of you get through life…
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 02:22 PM
2

What country are you in? Divorce laws (and challenges) are completely based on where you live. So get familiar with your country's laws about divorce -- child support, spousal support, and division of assets.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 02:18 PM
5

Stop taking legal advice from your STBX. You need an attorney. Here's why and how to find one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ How long have you been married?
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 02:16 PM
3

This is what winning looks like. Great job with your reconstruction!
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 02:12 PM
17

Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together. That and several other reasons were why I pulled the pin on the divorce grenade. The point of marriage isn’t to endure it. There is no prize for making a miserable marriage last a long time. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership cemented by attraction, affection, respect and love that you enter into to make it easier for both of you get through life together. It’s like you become a team of horses, and you both help pull the wagon, and it’s easie…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 09:55 PM
1

My replies are repetitive because men here are all dealing with the same problems. It doesn't matter if it's about validation seeking behavior, moving out, finding an attorney, moving away from their children, getting involved with another woman before divorce is final, or any number of other fundamental issues. All of these issues have simple solutions if the reader is willing to do the work. Some are willing, some aren't. I invite you to provide actionable advice to these men better than I do.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 09:34 PM
3

You live in the same residence until the divorce is final. Here's why: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/ Her cannabis use may or may not be relevant depending where you live. Even in the states where it's decriminalized, it's likely your judge has tried it. Where it really matters is when children test positive for a chemical substance. Still, keep it in your back pocket. You'll probably be able to leverage it in your favor during mediation negot…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 09:27 PM
12

It stops when you accept that she's one-of-a-million, not one-in-a-million. Soul mates are a myth. You have a scarcity mindset with women, which you need to replace with an abundance mindset. You're acting too much like your ex is central to your life's well being. She isn't. Here's a simple yet effective method you can implement to stop thinking about her. Wear a rubberband on your wrist. Everytime you think about her, say "STOP" and snap the rubberband. It's aversion therapy that has been used…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 05:05 PM
2

You can't control her behavior. You can only control your reaction to her behavior. You need to learn how to say "No". I recommend you read "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" by Manuel J Smith. Then go watch the corresponding video for each chapter on Rian Stone's YT channel. But do that only after you read the book chapter first. It'll help you absorb and internalize the material.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 05:02 PM
5

Her in-laws don't need to know a damn thing about your impending divorce before it's finalized. It's none of their business unless you break the lease. They're preoccupied with their own problems. Your kids probably already know what's going on. So keeping them in the dark isn't doing you any favors. Kids are smarter than you give them credit for. In terms of her parenting your kids, they're old enough to be home without an adult. While you may get some mileage out of it with her, it's not likel…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 04:57 PM
1

Here is an example of why you need an attorney that knows civil procedure and rules of evidence. This is a YT short with James Sexton (an internet-famous divorce attorney) talking about how he's won cases because he knew procedure better than the other attorney: https://www.youtube.com/shorts/oYyimmmVYqI
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 04:48 PM
2

Your kids are lucky to have you as their dad.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 03:17 PM
2

As in you've been in the divorce process for four years?
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 02:33 PM
7

You don't include haircuts, food, clothing, and day to day stuff like that in the parenting plan. The only reimbursements you'll find in a sane parenting plan: 50% of in-network healthcare costs (out of network costs are 100% paid by the parent that went to that provider), 50% of extracurriculars with a $$ cap per year per child, and 50% of incidental education (band fees, a musical instrument, an annual school trip). If you're religious, maybe 50% of those associated costs if they're going to b…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 02:31 PM
3

You haven't been paying "rent". Half the equity that's grown in the house since you got married is yours. My ex was in the same position as you, and she walked away with a tidy some with that equity.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 12:25 PM
3

"I'm just dating". Tells her right away what you're looking for without the bullshit baggage.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 12:18 PM
1

The gifts from your mother have been transmuted to a marital asset. That happened when you sold your pre-marital house and bought the marital house. Your shop (business?) is also a marital asset. But stop asking internet strangers for legal advice. You need to discuss this with an attorney. Here's why and how: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 02:54 AM
5

Your girlfriend is not one-in-a-million, she's one-of-a-million. Ditch the scarcity mindset for an abundance mindset. Why do you care if it's "serious"? And you don't seem to understand female nature: Women want to be with men that other men want to be, and other women want to fuck. So start dating other people. I bet you she'll do a 180 as soon as you post a photo to IG or Facebook with another woman.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 02:51 AM
1

You need to talk to an attorney. Here's why and how to find one: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ Also, don't move out until divorce is final: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/ Texas judges don't award 50% parenting time. The only way that happens is through mediation. If she's not willing to agree to 50% parenting time during mediation, then take it to trial. You both work, so it'…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 02:08 AM
1

Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. Without kids and significant assets, get divorced. Some primers to get you started: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 02:05 AM
8

You can't be an influential parent to your children when you live 1200 miles away. You need to live in their school district. 99% of the time you will ever spend with your children is before they graduate high school. There is no time "later": After high school you'll be lucky to spend one week a year for about 30 years with them.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 02:03 AM
5

Holding on to hate is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Forgiveness isn't for her, it's for you so you can move on with your life. It's letting go of anger, resentment, any desire for any type of revenge, any thoughts of hoping she will fail because of her decision, etc.‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬‬ She couldn't care less about your forgiveness because she believes she didn't do anything wrong. When dealing with a high-conflict spouse, it doesn't matter what you do or co…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 02:01 AM
5

Read these two fundamental threads: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c1u1g6/fundamentals_do_not_move_out/ You've got work to do on yourself. You've allowed your wife to control you since you got married, and she's emasculated you. If you want to change that, then there are two books you need to read and internalize: * No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. It will address your val…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 01:58 AM
6

You've got work to do on yourself. You've allowed your wife to control you since you got married, and she's emasculated you. If you want to change that, then there are two books you need to read and internalize: * No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. It will address your validation seeking behavior and covert contracts. * When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J Smith. The Assertive Bill of Rights is written with you in mind. After you read each chapter, I recommend you watch the correspond…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 01:56 AM
17

Only 15% of married couples are actually "happy".
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 01:55 AM
1

The way not to spend six figures on divorce is to head straight for trial. Read this: https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c2n16i/fundamentals_you_need_a_family_law_attorney/ Don't expect her to be rational outside of mediation. Even then, it may take her walking up the courthouse steps for that to happen.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 01:53 AM
12

She knows how to push your buttons. And it's working. You need to imagine you have a Don't Give a Fuck meter that allows you to ignore her shenanigans. Then turn it up to 11. You can't control her behavior. You can only control your reaction to her behavior.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 01:49 AM
3

You did the right thing filing an emergency hearing to prevent her from leaving the country with your son. You've got work to do on yourself. You've allowed your wife to control you since you got married, and she's emasculated you. If you want to change that, then there are two books you need to read and internalize: * No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. It will address your validation seeking behavior and covert contracts. * When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J Smith. The Assertive Bi…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 07:19 PM
7

Keep the house, if it keeps the children in the same school district. Post divorce you can expect a round 2 where she tries to move away (probably to where her parents or other family live). Living in the school district is fantastic leverage to maintain status quo. She can move away, but the kids stay. 25 years left on the 401k is plenty of time for retirement investments to grow - it's about three cycles of doubling your money using the "rule of 72". Hell, I didn't have my financial shit toget…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 05:18 PM
6

You control it by letting it go. You cannot control her behavior. You can only control your reaction to her behavior. That's a core tenant of Stoicism. It's normal to get angry, be frustrated or have a rollercoaster of emotions when you're initially sideswiped by divorce or an affair. But if you continue to hold onto those emotions, it's a choice. Mindful meditation is a great tool to help you control your reactions.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 05:12 PM
1

Every state has a minimum cooldown when it comes to how often child support can be recalculated. It's typically 2-3 years depending on the state -- you can Google it. Since your divorce is recent, it's probably too soon to recalc CS. So whatever income number was used for her during the divorce to calc CS is what you'll use until you can have it recalculated.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 03:21 PM
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