So I am in pretty deep in a 12 year marriage. We have a 6 year old and are starting our 3rd week of nesting.

It is not going well. This is the latest email exchange. My guy is telling me to just start the divorce process because I can’t even catch a break in separation.

Re: schedule this week…

Me:

As it stands. If I need to block spots knowing sooner is better than later.

Monday: done at 3 (10-4)

Tuesday 930-130 (9-3)

Wednesday done at 5:30 (1230-530)

Thursday 10-3 (9-3)

Her:

So from what you're showing me about your schedule (this week) it looks like I'll do pick up on Monday and Wednesday and you will do Tuesday and Thursday?

What is your preference for next weekend?

Can we find a time to do a more serious check in. I've been paying attention to how I've been feeling over the last few weeks and how things are going between us. I feel very sad and defeated about things between us, and it doesn't seem like either of us is interested in putting effort into the relationship.

I'd like to talk about where we both are as far as next steps. Maybe we should be talking about a more serious or long term change.

I want you to know that this is all very painful and difficult for me. I've been experiencing a lot of sadness and grief over the last few weeks- and not all of it has been around being away from G.

We've both been through a lot of sadness, pain, hardship, and loss. I can't keep going on like this. I need the suffering to be over for me.

Me:

S, yes, based on what you sent, next week looks like you would do pickup Monday and Wednesday and I would do pickup Tuesday and Thursday. For the weekend, I am open to keeping it consistent but I also need to be clear that if there is still a limit on how many nights you can be out of the house the schedule is going to stay unbalanced.

I want to say this plainly and without blame. I do not like how this is landing right now. As it is set up, you end up with two nights in a row in the house with Gareth and I am left carrying more of the uncertainty and extra logistics. I am not trying to argue about it in the middle of the week. I just need us to name that it is not sustainable for me even if we are not changing it this exact week.

And for forward planning: I need us to map the schedule out at least 2–4 weeks at a time with a predictable pattern. If we can’t agree on a fair nesting rotation on our own, then I want to use Teresa’s session to finalize it so we’re not doing this constant scrambling.

And yes, I care about your suffering being over. I need that for both of us. For me, the first step toward that is a stable, equitable schedule, and then we can have the bigger conversation with more support and less chaos.

Her:

I think that you have given me your answer

You have nothing to say about the state of the relationship. You indicate no intention of even speaking about it unless/ maybe/ if we finalize a schedule

I wish you would just admit how much you have come to loathe me and that you don’t like me and that you are done with me. You’ve done a beautiful job over the last several months is proving it with your words, behaviors and actions.

I am tired of this limbo. I would prefer to move forward with a schedule, hearing you say that you are done with me. But since you won’t overtly say it, I will deduce it from the lack of things you say, and all the mean things you do say and the unkind ways you treat me.

Me: last one…

I hear that you are feeling loathed and disliked. I am willing to talk about the relationship with Teresa and I am also willing to talk before that as long as we get the schedule stabilized and mapped out for the next four weeks. Right now it is too chaotic for me and I need it more stable.

Please confirm next week in writing with the overnights listed Monday through Sunday and send your proposed four week schedule.

TL;DR: 12-year marriage, one 6-year-old, 3 weeks into nesting separation and it is a mess. I asked to lock in a clear 4-week schedule because the constant uncertainty feels unequal and unsustainable. She keeps shifting the conversation to relationship grief and says I “loathe” her and refuses to talk unless I admit I am done. I am trying to stay calm and set a boundary: confirm next week in writing, map the next 4 weeks, then talk relationship (preferably in therapy) once the chaos is reduced.

I could use help navigating this. I am looking for practical advice on holding boundaries without getting pulled into emotional spiral arguments, plus any perspective from people who have done nesting or separation with a young kid. Validation is welcome too. If you have been in something like this, I would appreciate hearing that I am not the only one. Thanks.