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Immediate-Story2562 Archive

View 0 posts and 911 comments by Immediate-Story2562 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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1

Resentment will eventually lead to contempt and is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse for divorce. As an alternative to paying for a counsellor and if you like reading, why not try some books on relationships and communication like those written by John Gottman. Crucial conversations is also great. Its inexpensive and might help you more than in just your romantic relationships.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/26 03:55 AM
1

For introverts like us, nothing beats being with loyal dogs who loves you unconditionally. If you do get a dog, make sure you can commit for the 10-20 years that they live. If you are young and want to travel or go out then you will always have to take your dog with or arrange a dog sitter/kennel. If you spend most of your time at home and you are an animal lover then go for it once you settle and find a new place.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/26 03:49 AM
3

So she is spending the day at your apartment tomorrow and does not even know that much about you? Maybe she does not care about your past. I'm more concerned about your state of mind in this as you mention paranoia and fear in the same sentence as relationship. Me thinks you still have some work to do on yourself and some things to figure out, but to each their own.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/26 03:28 AM
2

You don't have to do anything that you don't want to. If you already have kids then no need to get the government involved in your romantic relationships ever again. People get married again for a variety of reasons and some never learn so to each their own.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/26 03:24 AM
3

The only way to make the pain stop is to confront what you have been trying to deny. That is that this relationship is over and its time to let go.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/26 11:49 PM
1

It's important to know that the end goal of letting go, acceptance and forgiveness is to become indifferent. Getting there is a journey that takes time and lots of work unfortunately. But you can do it just like most of us have had to do it because we are still here. How you get there depends on you and what you do, your self control, discipline and courage.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/26 10:49 PM
2

You get to peace when you are indifferent to her. Only communicate in relation to the kids and always in a calm, stoic manner because we don't do or encourage drama. Be a rock. A granite rock and stay solid.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/26 10:41 PM
1

I think what you don't want to do is go into your next relationship unhealed and without reflecting on what was your part of why the current relationship failed aka taking accountability. Sometimes you gain more understanding and deeper healing by first being comfortable alone. Not repeating your past mistakes and also learning from past relationships should now be your main objective.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/26 10:29 PM
1

That must really hurt financially. So sorry man. You bring up a good point on we don't have 3 years to recalibrate. The thing is I find more peace these days (I'm in my 50s) being just with my dogs than with being woman. Even the dating apps I find distracting having to communicate at the right frequency and saying the right things just to go spend money on eventual dates that go nowhere. It's stressing me out and I don't even live in the city where I could potentially get more matches. Not losi…
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/26 10:26 PM
5

Why would we be the outliers if the divorce statistics speaks for itselves?
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/26 10:31 PM
5

I am sorry this happened to you. Boys become men when they realize nobody is coming to save them. You are your best friend your whole life so be kind to yourself and rebuild yourself. Take accountability for your part, reflect and learn from it and become unstoppable. You will find grace and understanding here because most of us have gone through this and came out on the other side so if we can do it, so can you. Nothing last forever, in this divorce you will grow and learn things about yourself…
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/26 10:10 PM
2

And what was her reasons? You are grieving bro, sit with it, don't run. If she wants to go, let her go. Don't worry, believe me the anger will come because its part of grief. Stay healthy and look out for yourself and your kids. You got this my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/26 09:54 PM
2

I am truly sorry you are going through this. It's a long hard slog to get through divorce but you can do it. Happy days getting a new pup, the potty and basic obedience training will definately keep you busy. Enjoy!
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 10:18 PM
3

It depends because we are all different. We grew up different and all have different attachment and personality traits. For an avoidant it might be much quicker to settle being alone and himself again, whereas someone that is anxious will feel like outside validation is required. With time you might actually find that physical affection at our age, not so much worth the effort, but only once you have really found your peace being alone. I started feeling like myself again once she moved out afte…
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 05:45 AM
1

I thought that was exactly the purpose of CBT and ACT. Even psychotherapy would try to identify and bring issues to awareness level which you can then choose to work or do better on.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 05:31 AM
2

Agree brother, we can heal but there will always be scars. Sorry this happened to you
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 05:13 AM
2

Could not agree more with you. Dogs are the best. I have 3 and a cat. Pretty much in the same boat as you. Almost 3 years separated after 26 years married. Officially divorce early October. All the best man
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 05:08 AM
1

I agree it's harder to rebuild the older you get. But it seems like most of us getting grey divorced does not have much of a say in the matter. Then again, in modern society a 10 year relationship is considered long so 20 plus years is then what? Long overdue to end? Lots of men would have stayed even if they were unhappy and even lonely like OP, if they had a choice in the matter.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 05:05 AM
7

It's a pity. You seem to be lacking that cold nature that some people posses that blends so well with being selfish, unempathetically trying to get every cent that they can out of you. Have you considered doing a silver bullet divorce like so many of us men had to face? Nobody is going to come and save you bro, so start standing up for yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 04:56 AM
2

Some of us who loved someone that betrayed us, felt the hurt, wanted to know why. Why we weren't good enough. What we could have done better. When did the emotional affair turn into physical. How many times have they slept together and when and where. It's brutal. I'm sorry you are going through this. On the up side, I hope you and your lawyer get every cent you deserve if she was the bread winner. You are only hurting yourself and are causing your own suffering by going through her messages and…
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/26 04:19 AM
5

It is not very long after separation and divorce for you so everything is still a bit raw and there are still work to be done on your healing journey. You are dealing with grief my friend and its normal but it sucks. The quicker you can work towards acceptance and letting go the better. If she wants peace, let her have it. You can't unfortunately force someone to love you and stay. Best mindset now is to view the relationship as completed and time to look towards the future after reflection and …
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 10:14 PM
1

Not going to sugar coat it, but cohabitation was hell on earth for me. Consider yourself lucky if she is civil because living under the same roof with a cold, resentful and vengeful person is a nightmare. Not only do you worry and trying to figure things out during the divorce and how to cope and what life will look like afterwards but you have silver bullet divorce tactics on the cards as well. Do not engage in circular arguments, its pointless. Don't sweat over the petty and small things. Unfo…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 04:58 AM
1

I understand the need for human touch and connection and all that comes with intimacy and lust. If you really want to avoid premature attachment I would say that do all the work. By work I mean get divorced first and focus on getting that done, then work on getting yourself settled and rebuilding. To me, I would say that getting a new love interest, if you so choose and sounds like it might be important, should be the icing on the cake at the end of your healing journey. But I know when you are …
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 04:39 AM
2

Whole books, poems and short stories have been written on healing. I think you start by accepting your current situation and understand what is in your locus of control and what is not. If letting go is your aim it will help to know/define what the end result would look like. It might be individual but some things after letting go I can think of is peace, forgiveness, indifference, acceptance. Break each down and find ways to get there, reading books helped me so much.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 04:31 AM
4

Who filed for divorce? If she did then you can laugh at this immature reaction. If you did then I suppose she might still have some ill will and resentment towards you.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 04:23 AM
5

I would say that you also have to take accountability that you have let her get away with this behavior for so long. Do you agree? Next step would be for both of you to work on possibly communicating better. Dr. John Gottman identified the "Four Horsemen" as toxic communication styles that predict relationship failure. These include Criticism (attacking a partner's character), Contempt (mockery and disrespect), Defensiveness (playing the victim), and Stonewalling (withdrawing from the conversati…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 04:18 AM
1

I guess that depends. If there were infidelity and I had a choice to continue being roommates or not then I would consider the following: Is only sex lacking which might not be that important at our age and the rest of living together is peaceful and respectful, it might be worth it. How much of a downgrade in quality of life will you have to take financially and otherwise if you do decide to divorce? Downscaling might be on the cards in any case as life starts to slow down for us. Can you see a…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 04:03 AM
1

Yup we aint that much better off here in terms of divorce stats than our US brothers. Would be great if we could get a divorced/divorcing men Aussie local support group going.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 06:35 AM
1

I think its a great way to test her communication and problem solving skills. If she can't compromise or comprehend how you could stand to lose what is yours before the marriage then I would not enter into a marriage where a state or goverment will determine how assets are to be divided in divorce. Now if she has more to lose than you and you can verify that indeed that is the case then of course do you think she would hesitate get a prenup? If you are young and have nothing to lose and you plan…
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 06:31 AM
2

This show you that great memories can be made by you and your kids. You don't need your 'wife' there for it to be magical and unforgettable. Keep doing this for as long as you can. One day your kids will remember you for it.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 05:54 AM
6

My psychologist asked me on our very first appointment after divorce started and when I was in distraught: "Do you love her or do you just want to remain in the comfortable life you have built?" At first when it was all fresh and raw I just went straight to I love her and don't want to lose everything that I built for 25years. As time went on I started to learn that I resent her as much as she does me and that I really am just in love with the comfort of my current life, home, etc. Towards the e…
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 05:49 AM
1

I might get downvoted for this but because you are asking, my advice is to first and foremost don't get her pregnant now or until you know for sure what is going on with you. Next, explore on your own why exactly you are unhappy, so be kind and be sure exactly why you want to leave because you are not telling us why exactly you are unhappy. It is normal for a person to get getting defensive and great awareness that you pick up on that. Why do you value freedom so much now? Why are you unhappy, i…
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 05:37 AM
1

How about dating to find a person that agrees to live separately and not ever get married but be in an exclusive committed relationship? This way you both can have your own assets and see each other when its convenient as much or as little as you like. You can still be there for each other through thick and thin and be confidants but by not living with each other, when the relationship ends, its simply just not seeing each other any more. This makes more sense to me now that I'm in my 50s and yo…
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 02:58 AM
4

This is a joke right?
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 02:35 AM
2

Not being divorced or going through divorce just shows you know nothing what divorced men go through. Did you have to pay alimony every month? Did your wife leave you and got to get a paid off house? Did you have to see your kids grow up in broken home? Happy for you to call out other men if they are at fault, but you seem to be a bit judgmental and immature by not supporting a divorced man. I suggest you go join the happily married or pre divorce mens reddit thread if it even exists...
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 01:45 AM
2

Wait you got married again? Hope it goes better this time. I will leave you with this: What we've got here is failure to communicate Some men, you just can't reach So you get what we had here last week Which is the way he wants it Well, he gets it And I don't like it any more than you men
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/26 02:51 AM
5

You got me laughing out loud with the naked pics. Like wtf, who thinks its a good idea to exchange naked pics with school moms but I guess that and cheating on your spouses are the thing some people do these days. Well done for walking away.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/26 11:28 PM
12

It was the most horrible experience of my life. Being in your own home and treated with cold resentment wears you down. When she finally moved out after 2 years separated, I could start to sleep again through the night and realized that I don't ever want her back and that its over forever. Hearing her talk and laugh with another man behind closed doors was a special hell I don't even wish on my worst enemies. During this time, seeing this side of her after 25 years married made me resent her so …
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/26 04:31 AM
2

There is a part of me that agree with exactly what you wrote. You should be proud of how far you have come. While we both weren't perfect in our marriage, I wish I could have found more kindness in me. The pressure of being the sole provider and leader in our household made me feel like I should be in control of our destiny. Years of us both neglecting our marriage and dealing with teenagers took its toll. We grew apart and she grew resentful whilst I was still on the path of till death do us pa…
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/26 06:45 AM
-1

I hear you bro and you do you but I would say even with a perfect vendetta, you can't control what he does and he probably won't stop if woman allows themselves to be played. As you would know woman very well know what they are doing in love and war and if you ask me they play victim more than they really are victims unless they were victim to a provable and punishable crime by law. But what do I know. Peace bro
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 10:36 PM
2

Sorry to say but you can't save her. Only she can do that. You might be better served in the codependency reddit group. She sounds like a drama queen and a bit schizophrenic on top of or because she is an alcoholic. I would buckle up, it might get ugly once you divorce. Winter is coming.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 10:29 PM
2

I would have thought that any color of dick would have been good enough to be totally disgusted but because this is not enough for you I would strongly suggest a different therapist. Sometimes you have to 'shop' around until you get a therapist that can help you to find out how to move on. Plus find out what you want out of therapy as there are various specialties within the field like CBT, ACT, psychoanalists etc.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 10:08 PM
1

Get another therapist, this probably won't go down well for you.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 10:04 PM
11

You assume that his wife knows or suspects nothing. It takes two to tango and if woman controls access to sex then blowing up this guys life might give you temporary revenge but still won't bring your old life back. If it was not this guy she would have cheated with another. Personally I would walk away and find peace and focus on your child to be a safe space and confidant. Karma might take care of the rest. Keep in mind in this here subreddit you are dealing with lots of hurt me like myself. T…
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 09:56 PM
2

I am one to say that letting go is better than hanging on to someone or something that does not benefit you at all. I will also report a crime if I see it. I agree to let go of the anger and be civil with the child's mother.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 09:37 PM
-4

Reading this almost feels like none of it was your exes fault. This guy probably just pumped and dumped and unless he is still with your ex, why bother? Your ex probably instigated this affair, who knows. If it was not this guy it would have been some other. The fact that she did not choose you anymore for whatever reason should be good enough for you to let it go but I understand the good temporary feeling of the justice of a vendetta. By continually doing this you are keeping yourself a prison…
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 09:24 PM
6

Sounds like you got a get out of jail free card. Congrats and enjoy it. Sorry about your father.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/26 11:59 PM
1

Being a passport bro will not let you escape the reality that is female nature
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 02:56 AM
3

I get the gist of what RunPeaceRun is trying to say is to go live your life without regrets but stay away from casinos, they are by design highly addictive especially for vulnerable people and people with certain personalities traits. Rather focus on healthy outlets for healing like getting out in nature, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 02:48 AM
9

Best thing you can do is to do research on how to deal with bullies and filter out the advice that steers towards violence.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/26 03:14 AM
3

I was married for more than 26 years and still in the divorce process. Both me and my ex are way different people today than we were 26 years ago. People change over time. I found that still having one teenager in the house was not enough for her to stay. Over time her quiet resentment grew for me and took its toll. Apart from 2 kids I would say all I can show for being married is a mountain of debt at my ripe old age. Was it worth it? I dunno. It sucks but its better than being with someone who…
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/26 02:12 AM
15

There are lots of men here that wish they did not do the pick me dance and just filed earlier to get it over with. Not sure why people ever think opening a marriage would be a good idea.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 10:54 PM
3

After being a SAHM for 2 decades and doing little odd jobs here and there, she left me once she got a decent job through her friend. She would keep all the money to herself and spend only on her and the kids while I had to hear she wants 50/50 but I still need to pay for everything. Then she got drunk on attention from men at work and you know of course a married house friend affair followed that. She turned out to be just a selfish insecure old menopausal bitter and resentful person. She works …
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 10:43 PM
2

Lol wtf that's crazy
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 10:37 PM
1

After the denial part during the initial grief stage which lasted about a year trying to save the relationship I had to start facing reality and my mind started accepting its not ever going to work. That's when for me it started asking different questions, for me it wasn't so much who questions but different how questions. For example I went from How to save the marriage to How do I accept is over and how to move on to finally, how to best defend myself and how is my new life going to look like …
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 04:11 AM
1

You have to protect yourself even if its amicable now. Get your own account and direct your salary in it if you have a joint account. I know some men that went to work and got back home to an empty house and no money in their joint bank account. No kids makes your divorce way easier. Talk to an attorney to see how asset splitting might work out as we don't know who earned more here. Look after your physical and mental health. If you cohabitate and she goes cold on you then you might just be in f…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/26 07:27 AM
1

It seems that you have regrets and have taken accountability and that says to me that you are human. Remember that you can't control what she thinks or does, whether she forgives or not and also whether she chooses to be civil with you around the kids or not. What you can control is how you show up. Tell your kids that you are sorry what happened and for what you did and that you love them even with all your shortcomings and mistakes and that you understand if they might be angry and that you ho…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/26 07:12 AM
15

I know the feeling of being on the other side of a closed door, listening to the person you have been for 25 years laughing and giggling with another man on the phone. I will never forget that feeling. I could not sleep. I was awake at night trying to work out how screwed my life was going to be. I honestly could not see where I was going to live or how I was going to survive after divorce. Now almost 3 years later and still not divorced I can testify that the first best thing that happened was …
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/26 06:39 AM
1

Maybe its a waiting game. Waiting for those last fertile eggs to vanish and then they can date again without the speedrun for kids agenda.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/26 10:34 PM
3

I feel you, there is a certain amount of numbness for me too sometimes. I have my good and bad days.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/26 10:28 PM
3

The way I try to rationalize it to myself is that she did not get paid whilst we were married and she stayed at home raising the kids (Yes I know I paid for the food, clothes, housing and everything) so now that we are getting divorced, its time to pay up for services rendered. It's now a business deal gone bad. I know it does not feel fair but there is no way out of it with the current family laws. I look at the integrity side where I can hold my head up high in that I provided and did the best…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/26 09:33 PM
2

Lots of men getting a surprise divorce also gets stuck on the why. Getting stuck on the why means you are looking back which is good for retrospective and accountability but bad if you cant get past it and move to the how.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/26 09:25 PM
4

Wow so you literally swapped wifes. Astounding... don't hear that too often but good on you if you found happiness.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/26 02:24 AM
7

I feel for you man. I am sorry he is doing this to you. You surely don't deserve this but I know as parents we will always worry. Teenagers can be very tricky to deal with. As parent in this new modern world we have to deal with the internet which is something our parents didn't have to deal with and we all know how addictive and brainwashing it can be. Its called doom scrolling for a reason. When I went through this with my firstborn who is now in her early 20s I tried everything (couching, pre…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/26 12:38 AM
6

You have to look at the bigger picture. If you don't provide alimony, then she will have to get government support and government will make sure that you rather than them pay for her wanting to leave for whatever reason.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/26 11:45 PM
1

They want emotional maturity but don't want to hear or deal with your issues if you show or talk about it. Men are just suppose to be stoic.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 06:27 AM
8

If you have kids then there is no reason at all to get married again so no need to worry or date if you don't want to. Most modern western woman aren't worth getting involved with anyways.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 08:38 AM
14

You are describing what most of us men have to deal from woman with on a daily basis in this sub. Welcome to the club I guess
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 08:35 AM
6

It's ok to vent and ok to feel angry. It's part of the grief process. I know it hurts bad in ways people that have been cheated on will know. The pain you are feeling right now will make you stronger. Let them linger in their dopamine filled limerance without taking accountability. You can stand tall and keep your head high as a person with integrity, morals and value. Nobody can take that away from you. Hope you can move forward in peace and prosperity.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 04:47 AM
1

Dogs are the absolute best. Mans best friend for a reason!
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 04:40 AM
1

This, sorry only saw your comment now. Its the same as my advice. Cheers!
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 04:39 AM
1

You start by accepting that you don't own her, you never have and never will. Acceptance and letting go is an art. I am sorry you are going through this. We all have been where you are in some form at some point in time.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 04:37 AM
3

You go home, blast some music, start cleaning and when you catch yourself feeling sorry for yourself or thinking about her, you drop down and give yourself 20 pushups, no questions asked. Or go for a run or gym or exercise and if you can, get yourself a dog. Dogs give you unconditional love if you treat them right and look after them. Whenever you feel down, jump into action. Any movement will do. It will also make you sleep better.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 03:58 AM
1

Cohabitation can really mess with your head if she turns cold on you. Perhaps for now try to just be civil until you are on your own. To rebuild you will have to start thinking and plotting how life is going to be without her because that will be your reality in the future. Rebuild by starting to work out your living situation and how much you will lose financially in the divorce and the aftermath for example the settlement and alimony/child support. How much can you afford to live? After expens…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 03:41 AM
6

Maybe you want still want her because you know you can't have her. Maybe you want her because you are still trying to hang on to a very real dream you once had for your family that included her. (p.s. she is not that person anymore) My psychologist called me out in our very first session asking me if I want to stay with her because I love her or if I just don't want my life to change because I am comfortable. It was the latter. Ask yourself open ended questions and with time, the truth will star…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 03:08 AM
3

What do you want to read about? Relationships, marriage, communication or fiction? I assume if she has checked out that you know nothing you read and try to implement will change her mind. Hopefully you want to read and learn about yourself. You know, do the work and heal...
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/26 03:03 AM
6

The flip side, even if you got her a great gift, she would still complain or find fault with it, so why bother. Keep it clean by saying and doing nothing.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/26 10:44 PM
1

I am sorry you are going through these setbacks. I think you can start to heal once you move on the 1st of June. It's cliche but its mind over matter and we men can climb out of a trench, run into gunfire to go jump in an enemy trench to fight close combat for your life so I believe in you. You can do this, believe in yourself!
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 07:27 AM
1

I ask my teenage daughter to remember its mothers day and she can make her mother a card if she wants. That is the extent of my courtesy.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 04:44 AM
1

Given enough time, all true colors will be revealed. Try only dating them for a decade...
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 04:33 AM
1

System rewards the person earning the least where no fault divorce applies.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 04:19 AM
2

So what is the remedy? To take years to get to know them inside and out and even then its not a done deal as people can change over time (including you). Modern marriage vows carries as much weight as paperclips, best to stay away from marriage altogether.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 04:13 AM
1

Therapists will only help if your partner think there is something wrong. Might be wrong, but it does not sound like his wife think there is anything wrong with her behaviour so good luck getting her to take accountability and taking advice from anyone.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 03:57 AM
1

'If you want a partner that genuinely cares about your day or your feelings then date men.' Not sure dating other men is the answer. Also I think mostly only men that have gone through a terrible divorce will truly understand what you are going through.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 03:54 AM
19

If they want to go, keep the door wide open and shut it on the way out for good.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 03:42 AM
1

Even Janet Jackson admits is all about what have you done for me lately. All about them and what they can get. One big transaction to their benefit...
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 03:40 AM
13

Getting connection is one thing, keeping it is whole other ballgame. My take is don't take these dating apps or woman in general too seriously. You may not realize it but they are actually doing you a favor by not trying to get you to commit to them again. Enjoy your freedom and get a dog. You will never regret it.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 03:31 AM
12

Schopenhauer was one of the great all time pessimists. Known as the "philosopher of pessimism" for arguing that life is dominated by irrational, ceaseless striving (the "Will") rather than reason, leading to inescapable suffering. He believed happiness is merely the temporary absence of pain, famously stating life swings like a pendulum between pain and boredom.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 03:23 AM
1

No one ever told me not to get married and how screwed you can be once divorce happens after decades of being married if you are the bread winner. Not sure if I would have listened but I would have thought twice about losing more than half of everything I worked for 25 plus years.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 08:06 AM
1

You have both grown? Can you elaborate, because some people don't change that easily and fall back to old patterns pretty quickly. Unless you both have done the same amount of work on all your issues and have taken accountability for the past, I am unsure but like other said, both need to want to make it work and actually work on the issues because they won't just dissapear.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 05:49 AM
6

Have you been listening to Flowers from Miley Cyrus?
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 01:51 AM
1

If you give up, then she wins. If you rebuild and get through this, you will be stronger and better than you could ever have been with her in the picture. Give yourself action/agency, compassion and time.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 12:18 AM
3

Routines, curiousness and stability goes out the door when woman gets some external attention and validation, especially after a couple of decades of marriage. They would rather go chase something new and exciting than working things out. Sometimes hypergamy, sometimes pure boredom and sometimes menopause or a combination of the previously mentioned. Don't ask me how I know...
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 11:56 PM
1

It is easier for them to be indifferent when you have been replaced by her AP.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/26 11:18 PM
10

And probably moves more than she ever did ... lol
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 04:54 AM
14

I will not miss trying to be a mind reader and to pay for everything when all I got was decades of resentment and mountains of debt at my ripe old age.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 04:53 AM
2

Study human relations by read books on communication and relationships.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 04:45 AM
2

I get what you are saying basically is to communicate needs and respect boundaries but to some women asking how you can be better for them could come across as weak. As a man I guess we are supposed to have this figured out.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 04:44 AM
5

I can find and be myself again now that I am older and don't have to put up with her callous pretentiousness anymore. Financially I am ruined but I will rise again from the ashes.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 04:41 AM
3

I think what you mean by a person is yours is that you like committed monogamous relationships. You can never really own someone else and can't force them to stay if they want to leave for whatever reason. Marriage vows in modern society counts for nothing really.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 04:38 AM
2

That sounds brutal and I am sorry you are going through this. Sounds like you are being tested to the limits. Don't give up on your kids and take care of yourself and your child. No one is coming to save us so look after your mental health and do what you can to get through this. One day you will hopefully look back and see how much you overcome and how much stronger you came out of it. For now just take it one day at a time, and protect yourself as best you can.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 03:16 AM
1

For your own sanity, you need to get your mind to believe that it is the end of a chapter in your life. Take your time to grief and to heal. By now I am sure that you don't believe in forever love fairytales anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 01:35 AM
2

Agree with most of what you said, except I will never take her back or want to work on things with her ever again.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 01:26 AM
5

We should add this one to the list of common tropes: You're a narcissist. I need space. I need to find myself. ...
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 10:36 PM
2

Mine said the same. That she was scared that I won't change and that we go back to our same old patterns. Then I thought, well what about her? Is she changing, putting in work, taking accountability, reflecting. Nope. Actually doing anything but blaming me for everything. Nothing.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 10:27 PM
13

MGTOW is a real movement and from a man in his early 50s that has children I am joining that movement as the juice aint worth the squeeze. Woman are definitely not all sugar and spice and all things nice. Quite the opposite actually if you ask me.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 10:09 PM
2

Since October 2023 but not cohabitating since July 2025. What a nightmare that was...
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 09:43 PM
3

It's not easy to grief the end of a relationship. Broken dreams, broken family, broken trust and love. I'm sorry to say but its going to take some time. Time to sit and process the feelings and come to acceptance and letting go. Try to find ways to deal with your grief in healthy ways. It's an art and some days are better than others. Time will heal, but if you feel like you are not making progress, try therapy or reading books on whatever you feel might help you at whatever stage you are.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 04:15 AM
5

I wish I could say its easy. 2 and a half years later and I feel like the last year I have been stuck with anger, resentment and hate. I have an autistic sense of justice and I feel it deeply, almost overwhelming at times. Best I can do at the moment is literally exorcising the demons by exercising. Running in nature with my dog for an hour a day gets rid of some stuff physically. But even with exercise, I can't seem to turn off my active mind. I try to physically exhaust myself daily so I can a…
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/26 04:09 AM
10

If you have your status as separated on dating apps and you don't cohabitate then I don't see a problem if woman are interested in dating you. Menopause does play a factor but if you don't plan on marrying again like I do (also in my 50s) then you can just leave if it gets too much. At our age we can choose the type of relationships and because we don't have to get the government involved for example get married again, we can truly have the best of both worlds. I would go as far as saying I don'…
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 04:17 AM
3

“This confirms a general human sexual strategy which is not uniquely used by women,” Freyth explained. “Still: Four, female gold diggers were also sadistic.” I would say the average man won't have much chance of gold digging and only the top 10% of men aka the Chads have a remote change to gold dig. Female gold diggers being sadistic as well, now that I can believe.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 01:00 AM
1

Dating is pretty much a numbers game. You will have to kiss lots of 'Sleeping beautys' to find one that wakes up and if you do, take your time (years) to vet them. If you are older like me, then no need to get married ever again so just go have fun and don't take it too seriously. I think you can start when you separate but I would be hesitant to date around if you are still cohabitating for obvious reasons.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 12:27 AM
4

I definitely took accountability for my part and was willing to change but when I saw zero accountability from her side, it just lead to resentment for me. So now I keep a list close to my heart of all the things I hate about her... and it keeps growing. It helps me to see a relationship take 2 people to work. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. None of us here are or were perfect, if we were, it would be a fairy tale.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 12:13 AM
3

Bro, same here. With my stbxw I fought for what I thought was correct and right. Now I'm worried that I am going to be too compromising and thus be a pushover in the next relationship. For me I am doing deep dives in books about communication to give me more options than giving in or being right. Books like Crucial Conversations and How to win friends and influence people are game changers. Even Never Split the Difference from Chris Vo (former FBI negotiator) I think helped me. Now I just need p…
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/26 12:10 AM
9

I'm not going to sugar coat it, but cohabitation can turn into probably the worst experience of your life if she goes cold on you. Prepare for the worst and take action to not drag out the divorce proceedings.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 11:38 PM
5

Not normal to lose one of her parents every two days? Bro, have you seen the divorce rate? With a divorce rate of about 50%, its about as normal getting divorced as staying married. I don't want to invalidate your experience. If you are scared, you are scared but to put it into perspective you aren't exactly in the trenches waiting for a whistle to blow to jump into enemy gunfire, then to go jump into the enemy trench to go fight close combat for your life. Work on accepting your situation and d…
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 11:35 PM
2

Feelings? Men aren't allowed to have feelings. Have you not heard the woman saying we have no emotional intelligence or EQ or whatever else they want to call it. Next time you have feelings, just sit with it until it passes or go work/exercise it out. Also don't put up with bs from her, showing feelings equates to weakness for some woman. They simply don't want to hear or deal with problems we men have and prefer to stay in Disney land. Excuse my unsolicited advice but this is my lived experienc…
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 11:26 PM
1

Best advice I can give you is to not waste your time trying to win her back. She wants to leave? Show her the door. Ask me and other men here if begging, pleading, simping or anything else worked. Once they made up their minds, its over. Sorry.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 11:07 PM
5

The longer you keep it, the longer it will take you to move on. Its in your hands...
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 10:51 PM
10

I hear you bro, the juice aint worth the squeeze.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 10:46 PM
7

Mostly it was her lack of accountability and not doing a thing to try and save a 25 year marriage. Instead she monkey branched during separation and it might have even started whilst being married. Like others mentioned, its not just one thing, its the sum of everything.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 01:02 AM
2

Is there a way that you can travel that will avoid seeing what is going on at her place so you don't have to see that? It will be better for your mental health I think if you can somehow not witness it. Something like out of sight, out of mind.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 12:56 AM
1

So you were in the same bed all night and only kissed and hugged. Bro you put yourself in the friendzone right there and then.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 10:14 PM
5

I seriously think you need therapy asap.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 05:47 AM
1

She left you for a woman? Now sit back, get some popcorn, watch and let female nature take its course. Lesbian divorce statistics speaks for itself.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 05:45 AM
2

Do not move out of the house until settlement if you decide to divorce. Also in some US states after 10 years you can be forced into lifelong alimony so call it sooner rather than later. Go see a lawyer in private to look at your options and then decide.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 05:43 AM
3

You need to make a list of your own resentments and look at it every time she blames you for everything. Just write down all the things she did to you and what you did not like about the relationship. Keep the list close to your heart and for your eyes only. I doubt you will see any improvements from her side, especially if she is interested in someone else. P.S. add that to your list; expecting only you to improve and not taking accountability for her actions.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 05:32 AM
7

Of all the stages of grief, anger and resentment is now all that is basically left over that I am trying to deal with. I get my frustrations/anger out by exercising in nature and journaling. Writing letters that I will never send but still giving her and her AP a piece of my mind in it. Giving up half of everything I worked for my whole life is a bitter pill to swallow and I wonder if she just left with nothing if I would still resent her as much, but that is not the reality.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 03:32 AM
1

Rant on. I find these popular narcissism channels kind of disgusting. Their content generally does not match or applies to the general population. Unfortunately their popularity skyrockets because people don't understand that we all have some narcissistic traits and they get to be on full display during relationship breakdowns. The problem is that most people behave like aholes during these times but because of these channels its just easier to label the other person a narcissist than to accept …
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 02:56 AM
1

I guess partly it is because they left us and basically its a yearning for something we think we want but can't get. Curse the human condition of inexplicable wants, needs and desires.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 02:40 AM
1

Part of the difficulty of detaching is the fresh memories we have, so following that logic we can say that detachment/moving on means making new memories. Luckily these new adventures/hobbies/memories are in your locus of control.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 02:33 AM
1

You will have to start to focus to shift from the "why" to the reality that the future you imagined has died, requiring you to grieve the loss and move on. Trying to figure out why they did things will drive you insane because in situations like these we seldom get resolution or accountability. It would be better when going to why to go to how. How can I heal? How can I detach and move on? How can I let go?
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 02:28 AM
1

I feel you bro, I am right there with you. The financial hit at my age is astronomical and honestly I don't think I can recover from it.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 01:48 AM
2

If you waited until perimenopause she probably would have given up in any case but by then plenty of your best years would have been wasted.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 09:36 AM
9

Your story could have be written by most of us men here. Don't be too hard on yourself and forgive yourself for not being perfect because none of us are, but you can take this relationship and learn from it, accept your new reality and move forward to get better, stronger and be the best version for yourself and your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 08:06 AM
1

Through all of humanity, we men have been facing scary things. This is no different. Confront it head on and with dignity and compassion.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 06:51 AM
2

25 year relationship is going to take some time to unwind from and to detach. Routine is good as long as its not focused on her. Reading is good but there might be more. How about new hobbies or things to get your mind busy and occupied. Basically it is going to be the idle time that will make the mind start to wonder and ruminate. Tire yourself out with exercise and other healthy distractions for now get time to pass and yourself used to going your own way.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 06:50 AM
3

I hope the nesting is only short term. I think its best in terms of moving forward and healing if you each have your own space. It would be great to see our kids every day but we have to accept and make the best and fight for at least 50/50.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 05:05 AM
6

Forgive yourself. You are just human and we are doing our best to deal with rejection over and over again. I hope we come out stronger and better for all this pain.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 03:00 AM
1

Maybe you can start by accepting your current situation. Tell yourself that no one is perfect and you don't need to live a perfect life. We are all human and we do our best. We learn from our mistakes and to try to do better next time.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 12:16 AM
1

That is shady behavior. If I was a taking a female friend shopping I would be upfront about it. Broken trust is very hard to rebuild and will eat you up alive so my lived experience is that I agree with you, divorce and move on. Without trust, there can be no relationship or partnership.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 12:11 AM
1

It might only make her think, 'Great, he has moved on and is not obsessed with me anymore'. But therein lies the illusion in your case my phony friend 😄
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 10:20 PM
1

What makes you think she even thinks or cares about you at all. Especially when she is with someone else and its easy for them to get someone else isn't it?
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 10:16 PM
4

It hurts when someone that you still love does not love you back but you can't move forward without accepting your current situation. You would do better to work and focus on yourself and your daughter and let her go. She is not the same person anymore that you married. The more you want her back and try to do things to 'win' her love back, the more you will drive her away. Best you can do is rebuild your life with your daughter into a better life than before without her.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 09:50 PM
4

I think you are focusing too much on her. I know it feels awful and invalidating but what is in your control is how you behave. Consider doing some work on yourself like letting her go, accept that she is not who she was when you met and go walk in nature, exercise, etc. Do things for you. Look after yourself and get the basics like finance, work and healthy food with a clean house under control. At the end of a relationship, sometimes people show their true colors or perhaps they act in certain…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 09:43 PM
6

I understand where you are coming from trying to play catch-up but you can only do what is in your control. What is in your control is how you show up for your son and how you act and talk to your ex. Have you considered doing therapy? How about you read some books about communication like Crucial Conversations and How to win friend and influence people? You can't control your ex but you can show your son how to act respectful and support him even when things are not perfect.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 09:34 PM
1

It would probably be a good idea then to be upfront and tell them you just want to fool around for now?
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 09:20 PM
0

By single do you mean separated or divorced? Instead of messenger why not meet woman for coffee and make friends first before anything and maybe something else?
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 07:59 AM
2

I hate renting and paying off someone else's debt. I'd rather own but take your time and don't rush into anything before you are sure as it may be good to be a little flexible for now. Property is a long term investment.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 06:03 AM
3

Do you have someone that you can check in with daily when you have your daughter with you?
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/26 05:42 AM
2

That is perhaps the curse or burden we carry as caring parents. We know what to do, we can see the evidence/damage but we can still be actually helpless to do/change anything in the situation. It is here that we have to remember that change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change. He has to get to this point by himself but its good to let him know you will be there all along the way to the bottom and then climbing out with him. Every step of the way.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/26 04:59 AM
2

While its important to be there for him during this time, its also important that he figures this out for himself. Worst thing you can probably do is to become codependent in this situation with him. Best thing is to tell him you are there for him if he wants to talk. Then you just listen and give advice ONLY when he asks. If he does ask advice then say something like: "what I would do if I were you is ... but its up to you to decide."
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/26 03:45 AM
6

Sorry but I think you are mistaken. My dogs are much more loyal and friendlier than my ex wife ever was
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/26 03:09 AM
5

And if she continues on that trend it will be just a matter of time before she finds someone high and addicted to drugs to fulfill her wishes. I would start setting up cameras and alerts at doors and windows. And yes, do report it to the police if you have evidence.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/26 03:06 AM
0

Does it count being treated and overridden like a stepfather even though you are the biological father trying to parent and set limits and boundaries on devices, etc.?
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/26 03:03 AM
1

Please understand it is over. No amount of pleading, begging or negotiating will change her mind. It is in your best interest and actually your only option, is to detach and let her go freely.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 02:02 AM
1

So she wants to divorce you and for you to like her for doing whatever? Actions have consequences.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 01:59 AM
2

I experienced the same thing with my Disney parenting stbxw. She tries to be more of a friend than a parent. Its one of the reasons we divorced as we could not agree on parenting and she always defended the kids when I for example asked them to get off their devices, etc. Made me feel like a stepfather. Dealing with teens can be very frustrating at best and requires patience beyond comprehension. The fact that you are setting boundaries and limits are in fact a good thing. One thing that helped …
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 01:41 AM
3

Treat her like a business partner where the deal has gone bad. Make it clear that you only communicate about the divorce and the kids if you have any. The rest should not be your problem and don't require your response.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 10:48 PM
1

Follow up question, how many were taken back just to have it all not work out in any case.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 03:18 AM
1

I don't know, financially it sucks to start over in my 50s. I missed red flags for her sensitivity to criticism and that she left her boyfriend for me and now doing the same to me. Oh well, at least I have have 2 kids. She was ok in some ways but in the end we grew apart so much and apart from the kids had nothing in common. I did get to learn some life lessons along the way though especially at the end of the relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 12:41 AM
1

Yes so much for better or worse, sickness and health, till death do us part. It's all just very feeble and transactional. Very much learned valuable lessons about trust and commitment or rather the lack thereof in my marriage. In the end you are correct its all about accepting and letting go.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 12:13 AM
1

Unfortunately, being more strict about anything would just get you labelled as a controlling narcissist these days.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 12:09 AM
3

Personally I would not take this on. I know all us divorced people have some baggage but you marrying into this mess sounds like a recipe for disaster. I would swipe left on this one but that's just me. I have kids already so no reason to get married again ever.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 09:55 AM
1

So does that make you ex wife now predictable and useful? I understand you are saying that she is now just like a business associate from a business that has gone bust. I think that is what you are saying?
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 09:48 AM
2

Life happens and people grow apart. Good luck on the next chapter and hope the divorce goes down ok.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 09:45 AM
3

If you can't find someone to talk to, write it down. Journalling helps process feelings. For example write a letter that you never intend to send. Hope this helps.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 07:13 AM
1

Yes you can also join the Hare Krishna movement. Just go to your nearest airport and accept their booklet or flower or whatever they are handing to you for 'free'. Does not matter what or who so if you find your piece in God then go for it.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 01:29 AM
0

Don't sit back and take the blame when you are in front of the councilor/therapist. You have to respectfully speak your truth so the therapist can get your side of the story.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 01:27 AM
2

Take your time and be open, you never know one day a spark might light up again and then just remember to not get married again but its ok to fall in love and to love unconditionally (with the caveat of not getting married). If you enjoy solitude then by all means, you do you and only you know what you need right now.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 04:15 AM
1

They say they want the nice guy but paradoxically the best chance you stood was being the opposite. You live, you learn.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 04:09 AM
9

I just want to ask, did you think after confronting her that she was going to apologize and change all of a sudden? Be the rock your son needs and focus your attention on getting the best possible relationship with him such that he tell you about anything first including doing weed. What do you think you need to do for that to happen?
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 04:02 AM
2

It can be very uncomfortable when all this happens and you feel like your whole world is collapsing. We all have been where you are. You need time to process, adjust and to get comfortable. If you can get comfortable being uncomfortable then you know you are getting stronger and growing. Why do you fear being alone? You have your son plus if you have 50/50 you get recharge time. Ask yourself is it really fear or uncertainty, grief or other worries. You can control your mind and your mindset and …
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 03:43 AM
1

You have lots to be thankful for. No kids thus no child support. You both can eventually go your own ways and never speak again if you dont want to. Now what you you learnt from all this?
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 05:24 AM
2

'I hope she stays with AP so I can make their lives miserable etc etc' I would advise that it is in your best interest to do the opposite. Accept, detach, forgive and let it go so you can find your peace.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 04:55 AM
3

Is there not a way to go do new adventures and experiences without getting divorced or on your own or is she not allowing this? I mean I understand you probably don't love her anymore but is part of your adventures going to try to go find new love? Or is it that you want her to be with someone that loves her and its not you? It's probably going to cost you an arm and a leg to get divorced but if you think that is the only option then I guess you have to do what you have to do but be sure you are…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 04:48 AM
7

That is a good healthy rant and I am glad you are in a better place. So you stayed with her for 18 years through all that and all those affairs? What lessons have you learnt?
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 04:39 AM
1

I think it would help to be creative in getting yourself some healthy distractions so you can get used to this big change which I understand can be very uncomfortable. Suggestions: Reading books you might find interesting Listening to music Learning to play a music instrument (guitar or piano) Studying Journaling Volunteering Netflix binge If you can try to stay away from alcohol and drugs and other unhealthy distractions. Good luck bro, it might not be easy but in time you will come back and fe…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 04:34 AM
1

Gosh that is a horrible way to find out but I am happy you know the truth now and can proceed to distance yourself from this person.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 04:16 AM
13

You not wanting anything to do with your ex and actively blocking her, should be a good enough answer for him.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 11:55 PM
8

Might not be a popular opinion but I wouldn't mind sharing my side if by it it will save a brother. Then again I also would not want to be actively trying to mess up my ex's life by telling my truth. One would think that a business man with that much wealth would have learnt his lesson the first time.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 11:49 PM
9

'She told me her upcoming week was booked' If she really liked you and were into you, she would clear her schedule for you. Next time use it as a heads up.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 02:35 AM
1

Within 30 days? That is scary. I shall keep on using protection.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 11:48 PM
18

Because there is a piece of rubber between me and her at the business end of coitus
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 09:02 AM
1

Sorry this happened to you. It is a bitter pill to swallow. It's always hard and unsettling in the beginning. At 40 you still have a chance to rebuild compared to the crippling grey divorces some of us including myself stare in the face.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 06:40 AM
1

If you feel stuck ask yourself what can I do different? Is it your routine? Have you tried something different to make new memories? Dating apps can be brutal and can dent self confidence if you don't have the right mindset. If you keep doing the same things that does not work, it will eventually drive you insane.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 06:36 AM
1

The future is in your hands and is what you make of it. Rumination and grief is normal to process loss. I know its corny but time does heal.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 06:30 AM
2

I hear you bro, I'm 2 and a half years separated. Some days I still hate her but I definitely don't miss her or ever want her back again, not after all she has put me through. I am really working hard to get rid of my resentment and will get there one day.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 06:27 AM
5

Are you saying all these new woman just want sex with you once and then don't want to see you again? So why not have sex with just the same person or are you or they struggling to commit? The opposite of casual sex is no sex or serious sex. As consenting adults neither of the latter sounds appetising. For me at my age (early 50s) the problem is more struggling with sex using protection and I don't want it without using protection either so its a catch 22, but if you are younger then this probabl…
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 06:21 AM
3

It does make us question ourselves when they leave. Why were we not good enough? What could I have done different? Its always harder for the person that wanted to stay and not leave and did not commit infidelity. People change over time, including you and hopefully time will heal and you will grow from this and be stronger for it.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 06:04 AM
1

Gosh, never heard of people getting addicted to pickleball of all things. Are you sure she is not addicted to someone at pickleball rather than pickleball itself?
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 03:29 AM
1

She will huff and puff until she blows your house down...
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 03:12 AM
2

Yup you know they have been looking at social media and listening to advice from friends when you are being called a narcissist
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 03:10 AM
2

Sorry this happened to you bro. Don't be too hard on yourself. I understand the stress of having young kids. Just want to mention that knowing the demands of young and growing kids that you might have gotten a bit more time for studying only once they get to their teenage stage and would rather hang with their friends than with their parents. But also from teenage to after college the financial burden also ramps up. The next really best time to study would then be once they are self supporting a…
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 01:33 AM
5

I hear you bro, why invest in someone new that does not have that much reason to stay. For now you don't have to commit to anyone new. Take your time with the grief and all that comes with it. Who knows one day once our kids are all grown, the reason might shift to we enjoy to be together as friends or something more down the line. What I am saying, kids grow up and eventually leave and chapters in our lives changes with time.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 09:31 PM
5

That is brutal. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I hope the same good wishes for you my friend.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 09:03 PM
11

Same here bro, 25 years married then she wanted to go figure herself out after I found out she is in love with a previous house friend of ours. I also tried for years to save something I should have just let go from the beginning I know how you feel. Hardest is probably the financial loss at our age as it will have a negative impact on my quality of life sharing everything I had worked for my entire life. All the best to you bro. We are here for you if you want to talk.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 02:23 AM
3

This might be controversial but if you really feel the need to give unsolicited advice, do it with kindness and empathy. Tell him you care for him as a bro and that you don't want to lose him as a best friend and that you are worried he is moving too fast. Don't expect him to listen as its his life and he can choose what and how to go about it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 01:03 AM
3

It surely is a bitter pill to swallow. Well done on being aware and taking accountability but also forgive yourself and consider it lessons learnt. You tried your best and it was not enough and that is ok. We are not perfect. Unfortunately you can't force someone to love you or to stay and generally its better to act with grace and kindness and let them go once they decided that they are done and wants to leave. Usually nothing you can say or do when they detach will change their minds hence the…
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 12:47 AM
2

You want someone in your life that you are crazy about and they're the same about you? Is that a realistic long term view? Even if you find such a person, would it not just be short term bliss before the cracks starts forming. Sounds like a midlife crisis but then again you are allowed to feel what you feel. Hopefully the marriage counceling could at least bring to the front what is missing and if its something that can be worked on and improved.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 11:34 PM
7

My kids are old enough to make their mother a card on a piece of paper if they wanted to so its a no from me.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 10:30 PM
2

Just ignore it if you've told her that you already have the pictures.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 10:12 PM
8

Couples therapy will only work if both people wants to actively work and save the marriage, but all too often when it gets to this stage is way too late and one or both has already checked out. I hope its not the case for the two of you. Just the way she speaks about you 'no fight' seems she has no respect and just contempt for you.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 09:34 PM
3

The pain was a requirement for you to change and to become better and to worthwhile life experience. No human is perfect so continue to work on yourself and also be kind and forgive yourself. Work on acceptance and letting go of the past and to look towards the future.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 10:42 PM
2

I don't think she appreciates anything you did for her when she sees other people. Have a civil and kind conversation with her and tell her that you would appreciate it if she can move away so you can heal. She is an adult that made her choices and now has to start taking accountability for her actions. Its time to start looking after yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 10:03 PM
2

I thought they wanted 50/50. I would start getting cheap take out meals or home cooked meals. If you have the communication skills and the correct delivery you might discuss this issue with her. In any case bringing up a sensitive discussion like this would also test her communication skills so go for it. She is an adult and should be able to handle adult discussions.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 08:32 AM
1

How about this LaCathedrale? Actual Truth: The dogs are hers Story: She is trying to use the dogs to hurt me because she know I have an affection Emotion: Fear, Anxiety Action: Told her that the dogs would be dropped off at her house on X day Now question and interrogate the story and look for viable story alternatives like for example the below that can change the emotion and the action: The fact is I am not the owner of the dogs even though I love them, she also loves them but I am not the off…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 07:58 AM
8

Some suggestions for you (I'm early 50s, a work from home getting divorced dad) New hobbies, exercise, walks in nature. Cooking healthy for yourself. Reading about stuff that interests you. Listening to music or watching a series or a movie. If you can't keep yourself entertained and still feel alone then there is always the option to get a dog. Dogs are the best if you show leadership and take proper care of them. Look for the words in your head, its a mindset thing. Think freedom at last to do…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 07:28 AM
1

Reply with something like 'Sorry you are unable to assist at the moment. I hope that you can get this money from somewhere else and that you saying no is not going to affect your relationship going forward. All the best.'
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 07:18 AM
2

The book crucial discussions have a very good explanation on emotions. They state that we see or hear something, then we tell ourselves a story about it, that creates a feeling and then that makes us act in a certain way. So if we want to change the feelings or emotions we should stick to the facts and focus and question the story empirically and to try to stick to the facts at first and then get clarification to add more meaning to the matter. This all sounds easier said than done as it all hap…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 05:41 AM
2

That's correct we are trying to help, my point is to put feelings into perspective and thus give them the relevant importance that they deserve. I'm not trying to invalidate his feelings.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 05:34 AM
1

'But I do feel like people tend to lean more toward supporting women' I seem to think that its not just a feeling but generally a socially accepted fact.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 05:15 AM
2

I guess a positive spin on 2nd and 3rd marriages (according to statistics) are that because of past experiences, divorce might not drag out as long the next time as both people know the drill when something is not working out, they call it and move on quicker and more often than first marriages...
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 05:01 AM
1

Trapped in marriage without love, connection and sex. Now where have I heard this before? Kudos for you both for not going the standard route of infidelity but you will have to come to some sort of compromise on freedom versus connection/sex. You will have to state your needs clearly and keep the dialogue open else you will be joining the divorce statistics. Being in a relationship does have impact on 'freedom' so make sure its worth the sacrifice.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 04:58 AM
1

Be glad you didn't wake up next to her being a guy called Romeo...
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 04:52 AM
2

Just let it go man, nothing to be gained in confiding and saying bad things about her to her family.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 04:51 AM
1

Proceed with care. You might be in limerence. Get the divorce if you feel like it but jumping straight into something new without reflecting and taking accountability for why it failed in the first place might be a recipe for disaster. Thats just my 2 cents because I don't think the grass is always greener but then staying when the relationship is over is also not the answer.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 04:48 AM
1

Then you should be able to rationalize that feelings are just chemicals circulating in our bodies, produced by ourselves by the stories we tell ourselves when we see or hear something and come to some kind of a conclusion influenced in part by our past experiences...
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 04:43 AM
2

You have to realize that feelings are just waves of emotion. Let it come and go. We don't have to let them take charge and dictate, they are just part of life, whether we get divorced or married, rejected or falling in love. It can play a game on us so just take the feelings for what they are. Just feelings. Nothing more, nothing less.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 04:39 AM
1

You can't control what she does when the kids are with her. Focus on your time with the kids and let the rest go.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 04:07 AM
1

It's safe to say she bit off more than she could chew?
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 04:06 AM
1

Hope the next chapter in your life after this will be the best one yet.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 04:02 AM
1

Have good pictures and be prepared to be ghosted, rejected and stood up. Keep a good humor because its all very surreal and just have fun. I see it as good entertainment. There is a long way between getting a match, going on an actual date and then finding someone worthwhile to hang out some more. At our age, we already have had children, did the marriage thing so been there, done that and we can dictate the relationships going forward as we don't need any pressure for anything that we dont want…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 04:01 AM
1

Can you prove her otherwise? I mean show her the facts or does she 'feel' that her truth is undisputable?
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 03:55 AM
1

Depending on how much money you are losing, it might just be worth it to consider the money lost. In other words write it off to keep your peace and learn from your mistake to not let this happen again.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 03:53 AM
2

Trust is broken. I would just walk away and put this circus behind me if I were you.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 03:51 AM
1

Told I did not keep my promises. Told she wants 50/50 but then I have to pay for everything, do schoolruns, cook and clean dishes and take care of the cars and garden. Told I'm a bully, my way or the highway Told I'm a narcissist and she needs space and needs to find herself Me being strict and do actual parenting instead of her Disney parenting. I could go on...
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 03:49 AM
2

I hear you brother. I have the same issue. Have been separated since late 2023. The anxiety of the divorce and how financially screwed I am hangs heavy. It feels like everything I worked for my whole life is being taken and I have to start over in my early 50s. There were things that step wise got me in a better place. First after she moved out I could sleep again. Second reading I found sometimes I can stop the thoughts in order to follow the material in the book. Third, getting a new girlfrien…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 03:41 AM
5

Cohabitation is like living in hell and there is no easy way through this. You have to grunt bear this and its very triggering. Best I can tell you is that it will get better once you are not living together anymore. You will have to work on acceptance and letting her go as you don't own her and cant make her love you.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 03:28 AM
1

Have you figured out why you are unhappy? You said you have put in work and she has not. What is she supposed to do? Have you stated your needs clearly? Is it a you problem, a her problem or both?
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/26 03:24 AM
7

That's it, keep the door wide open and they can lock it on the way out.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 01:09 AM
3

I know its not ideal. All of us here have had to come to terms with not seeing our kids everyday. It's a hard pill to swallow but you are going to have to come to terms with it. There is no easy way. Do whatever works for you to get through this in a healthy way. In the beginning, just take it day by day and hour by hour until you see him again. Maybe try planning a special trip or focus on cooking something healthy (learn new skills). Exercise and get ripped if you want to. You have some time t…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 01:07 AM
2

Looks like it was not meant to be. Sorry bro, I guess its time to take stock, regroup and push forward.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 01:03 AM
5

You start by taking it one day at a time. Start focusing on getting your life together for yourself and your daughter. Realize that no one is coming to save you. It's up to you and you only. What do you think rationally is your next step? Recovery? Job hunting?
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 01:01 AM
1

Not sure if its too healthy to abstain as it might increase your risk for prostate cancer
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 11:15 PM
1

It can drive you insane trying to figure out why, when and how these things happen. With this kind of behavior it will just be a matter of time before they cheat on each other. What a fiasco. I hope your kids will be ok, just do your best when they are with you.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 09:30 PM
2

Yea two kids, one teen and one young adult. I live next to a forest so I went running and walking with my dog. I hope you can settle down. It takes time and it all can be very frustrating. The rumination can be debilitating and its not easy to just switch off. Just the passage of time makes it better. All the best brother
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 09:24 PM
4

Cohabitation generally is a nightmare. I could not sleep of close to 18months while we lived together. How are you eating during this time? Healthy home cooked meals? Also are you getting enough food because not getting in enough calories could also lead to fatigue and depression and a feeling of not having enough energy to do anything. Focus on the basics of life during these stressful times and make time for recovery and to decompress if you can.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 09:55 AM
2

Do I understand correctly that your soon to be ex is in a long distance relationship with your best friend? I understand that you must feel hurt, betrayed and angry by all of this. Only thing to do here is to turn your back on them and their decisions and to focus on yourself and your kids. You have to work on acceptance and letting go in a healthy way.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 04:22 AM
1

My thoughts are that if she wants to cheat, she is going to. If its not on the holiday it will be elsewhere. You trying to stop this will get you labeled a control freak. I do think though that you can have a crucial conversation with her and you are allowed to state your fears and feelings and how this holiday might lead to infidelity and then its up to her to cheat and end the marriage or to stay in a committed relationship. All the best!
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 04:13 AM
1

Use the grey rock method. No need to react or respond to angry texts from her if its undeserved.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 04:03 AM
2

How about a bit of all three and then some more...
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 04:01 AM
7

Does not sound like a healthy and stable relationship at all bro. May the force be with you!
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 03:58 AM
1

Turn inward and start looking out for yourself and your child. Let her go do what she wants. You can't force someone to love you and if they don't choose you, nothing else but to work on accepting it. Sit with your grief, it comes and goes. Let it wash over you like tides in the ocean. Don't try to escape it as it will follow you. Let her make you the villain in her stories. You know the truth.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 03:50 AM
1

From what I read, you both should work on communication, stating your needs. If you want to reconcile, ask her what she is going to need to rebuild trust. Work on your delivery when you are in dialogue. I can recommend a couple of inexpensive books if you want to work on yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 03:44 AM
1

Infidelity destroys trust. Without trust you can't have a healthy relationship. Sorry this happened to you.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 03:40 AM
1

Reminds me of the U2 song called One
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 03:30 AM
2

I hear you bro, divorce definitely takes some adjustment. Some people handle it with grace, others take side. Some get poisoned by the stories your ex tells them. Take it for what its worth. The important thing is the things you see and hear and then the stories you tell yourself about that which brings up feelings and can make you act in certain ways. Stay on top of those stories bro, remember the facts and you will get to the other side.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 03:26 AM
4

Easy. Tell her you simply grew apart and there is no hard feelings between you and your ex and leave it at that.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 10:23 AM
2

Glad you came to your senses and got a lawyer to look out for you and your blind spots.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 06:14 AM
2

You start by not putting all the blame on yourself. It takes 2 people to make a relationship work. Work on forgiving yourself, her also, acceptance and letting go. I understand that social proof makes you wonder what other people think but they have not walked in your shoes and actually most of them are dealing with their own issues behind the scenes that you don't see. Give yourself time to grief. You need time.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 04:50 AM
1

Be careful of the change, she might just be feeling guilt. Might be that she just pity you. Stay strong, healthy, avoid conflict and on course.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 04:45 AM
2

It is really hard and confronting to accept the reality. Its also hard to let go. I hear you man and sorry. Denial, sadness and anger are all part of grief and comes and goes in stages. Take your time and stay healthy and look after yourself through this most testing time in your life.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 04:42 AM
4

Set some boundaries with her and stick with them and don't pay anything that is not ordered by a judge.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 04:40 AM
3

'Can be loyal' Lol. Rather get a dog bro. Nothing will be more loyal and love you more than they love themselves like a dog... if you treat it with leadership and love.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 04:37 AM
10

Gosh did you dodge a bullet by not having kids with her. You might have chosen a bad apple and not all woman are like this. You deserve to be loved and to give love. It might happen again but for now focus on healing. The rumination is normal as your mind is trying to process everything as it is a big change of your life and how you saw your future so give it some time bro.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 04:35 AM
1

Why do you care if she does not? Were friends is past tense. Look towards the future perhaps?
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 05:22 AM
1

There are numerous books on various topics regarding various issues you mention here. I've found books much better than therapy. Vengeance is not the answer. Acceptance, fogiveness and letting go is the way to move forward.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 07:01 AM
3

Sorry bro. Life sometimes relentlessly knocks us down but we have to get back up again because no one but ourselves can save us. Try to be self aware to the stories you tell yourself to keep you out of a negative spiral. Question your thoughts and how you see yourself. Take time and put effort into healing.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 06:57 AM
3

Talk to a lawyer to see how this will affect you financially. The rest you can do through therapy if you need it. I assume with 2 small children that you have tried everything, communicated, stated your needs and worked through and tried everything possible to make the marriage work?
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 06:51 AM
10

I understand your anger and frustration. If you cant start communicating as adults for the sake your child, then do it through an app or work through the lawyers. No point in arguing with each other and calling names. Use the grey rock method.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 06:16 AM
1

Did she have you sign a prenup to protect her property before you got married? Have you spoken to a lawyer?
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 05:20 AM
2

So you already have kids and have been married. You've had a family and saw the outcome. Why get married again? Maybe you chose a bad apple. You are young, you have time and you will figure this out. Ending it is not the answer. It never is. Get into therapy please. You have children to rear.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 04:08 AM
2

Cohabitation is a nightmare. No easy way to navigate. Special ops tactics include grey rocking. I think she has shown you that she won't stop cheating on you. You deserve better bro!
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 02:56 AM
2

I am sorry you are going through this but from my experience, only time will heal. In the meantime, take care of yourself bro!
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 02:52 AM
1

The mental load of divorcing takes more energy out than you think. Have you also lost weight? Are you sleeping well? Are you eating healthy and enough? Are you looking after your mental health? Take into account you are also ageing. Depression can cause this as well. Are you in therapy? What are you doing to recharge? I know this feeling and it is a tough one to get to the underlying issue. Don't stop trying until you get to the bottom of it. Let me know what works for you. UpdateMe!
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 02:50 AM
2

If you are recently single then the sadness is part of grief. If it has been years since the divorce then it might be time to do something different. Just my 2 cents :-)
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 02:44 AM
1

Why exactly are you not happy? Instead of couples therapy, consider individual therapy and get to the bottom of it first else you will just be unhappy again in your next relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 02:41 AM
2

Please bro, just do only step 3.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 02:39 AM
2

What if starting to forget is your body and mind telling you that you have to accept your reality and let go? Trying to hold on to memories for someone that did not choose you will keep you hostage and stuck. Have you thought about trying to date again and meeting new people without getting married?
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 02:35 AM
7

Get a dog, it will help you out with the leftovers.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 06:06 AM
2

How about these: She decided to leave We grew apart or my personal favorite: Irreconcilable differences
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 09:45 PM
5

I could say we grew apart over the decades and we both today are totally different people than when we met. We didn't do things together and didn't agree on things like parenting and spending amongst other things. I would have stayed and tried to work things out but outside influence, social media and peri/menopause won.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 06:26 AM
2

It got you freedom, life experience and a daughter. Now you can live life your way. You are not a villain. If people don't talk to you like they used to then that's on them. Making friends generally gets more difficult the older one gets, especially if you are an introvert. Getting ghosted is the new normal in todays dating environment. Its not just you that are getting ghosted, I think few single dating people have not experienced it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 01:53 AM
6

Its more than addiction to social media. It's a combination of more woman working, having access to dating apps where they are flooded with attention from men. Having phones where people can message them directly and secretly. I am sure you considered this, nobody likes to blame themselves but I hear you seem to think woman don't self reflect. Do men that cheat on woman self reflect? I would say cheaters in affairs don't self reflect because they have all this dopamine to comfort them in their n…
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 01:26 AM
1

I don't think my dog will eat my face if I die somewhere in the woods, but I am also not 100% certain. I can definitely see the loyalty and love for me in her but what if no one comes for weeks and she gets hungry. I don't know but then again I don't mind if I keep her alive for longer because I wont feel a thing if she eats me because I am dead afterall.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 12:22 AM
2

True, whenever divorced men says they have now found someone different/better, I wonder if they are not just blindsided by the dopamine of limerance.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 12:13 AM
2

I was probably only avoident in the last 3 years. Feels like I'm now more anxious and I don't trust her at all. Busy divorcing. Have you read the book 'Attached'? It devoted a whole chapter on each attachment including avoident. They said if you are anxious or avoidant, being with a securely attached partner can make you more secure.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 06:38 AM
4

That sounds brutal. I'm so sorry. Get a good lawyer!
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 06:34 AM
1

She said I was going crazy.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 06:08 AM
11

Crazy. Dont let your mom put the title in your name until the divorce is done.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 12:48 AM
1

I would have appreciated a conversation. I would have appreciated her stating her needs instead of just blaming me for things I did and did not do. I myself could have communicated better. I don't think the door should ever be locked in a marriage unless there is infidelity.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 12:41 AM
4

If she can move on from you so quickly, she can also move on quickly from the new guy.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 12:35 AM
7

We are all different and process things differently. Take your time and don't feel pressured to rush recovery. From the standpoint that things are always changing and evolving, so can even people change. Some mature and grow old together, other change and want something else. I have come to realize that nothing lasts forever, except maybe parental love for the time you are alive.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 12:33 AM
3

It sounds like you need to work on your communication whether you decide to reconcile or not because the same patterns will just appear in your next relationship. John Gottman has great books. I recommend 'The Seven principles for making marriage work'.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 09:14 PM
3

Most of your work now looks to be in accepting and letting go. You will not be doing your daughter any favors by staying in an unhealthy marriage where you are not wanted.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 09:07 PM
3

I'm hoping its obvious to you that numbing and trying to escape your grief is not helping you. Write out your thoughts on paper(journal) to help process them. Start facing your fears. Uncertainty is a given in life. I think there is a reason why they call it a rebound.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 09:03 PM
10

My friend she has unfortunately probably considered to leave you years before she actually did.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 10:20 AM
3

Maybe tell him that both of you still love him very much and that its not his fault that mommy and daddy does not love each other the way mommy and daddies should love each other. And that you are there for him if he wants to talk about it any time night or day or if he has any questions.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 09:06 AM
5

I guess so if you both aren't triggered by seeing their ex with someone else.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 04:29 AM
1

I'm sorry Ovaries, I guess its time to start looking towards facing your fears, detach, heal and move towards a life of peace without her.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 01:24 AM
3

Speak to a lawyer if you have assets and/or debt
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 09:10 PM
4

Searching for answers to 'why' will keep you a prisoner and will eventually drive you insane. The fact that you reflected and took accountability for your actions is a very good sign in moving forward. Anger is part of grief and grief has undefined skewed timelines. You grief because you loved. Its the price we pay sometimes for the privilege of once being loved. Ultimately you will need to focus on letting go and acceptance of what was and what is. In the end only time will heal as memories fad…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 06:24 AM
5

I hope you don't mean that you are just going to give everything (assets, etc.) to her? She should only get what she is entitled to by law and nothing more.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 04:58 AM
9

Yes she is convincing herself that she is the hero. The good one. The brave. Let them convince themselves of whatever is the flavour of the day. All very main character syndrome if you ask me.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 10:52 PM
7

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Deal with the pain by sitting with it. Don't run or mask it unhealthily. Start doing work on yourself to accept and to let go. Remind yourself that nothing lasts forever and that this too shall pass. We have all been where you are. We know its really hard. Please don't deny yourself the opportunity of growth and learning by ending it. Talk to a professional if you need to.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 09:34 PM
6

Best you can do is show her the door if she wants to go. Don't keep choosing someone that does not choose you.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 09:25 AM
1

Ok so that blooper happened. What are you going to do to ensure it does not happen again?
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 04:01 AM
4

Leaving and separating should be enough to know you are not wanted and chosen now. That in itself is enough for me so to give you some more comfort I would say, if they can leave you like that then they could do it again, anytime in future if you reconcile. Would you want that? Do you trust her? Best to work on acceptance and letting go and to know nothing lasts forever. Nothing.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 02:50 AM
2

What are you doing to relax, to wind down, to give yourself a break? Make time for yourself, take a holiday, sleep or whatever works to recharge you. You won't regret it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 02:46 AM
1

Stick to your promise
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 10:57 PM
2

Support: I am sorry this is happening to you. Solution: Don't play the music that reminds you of your past together, until you are healed and moved on. Alternatives: Play it everyday and sit with the grief and use it as some sort of exposure therapy... It might help you get over it quicker. Do what works but there is no real time line for grief. Its different for different people.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 12:48 AM
5

What is in your control is your mindset and things you can do for yourself and the kids. What will benefit you now greatly is to work on acceptance and letting go and being the best father. I know it is hard to see at this moment but consider it a chapter of your life that is closing and the next one starting. Learn and reflect what your part was and sit with the grief. Don't run away from it. It is going to hurt like hell but it will make you stronger in ways that you can't ever imagine.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 05:09 AM
5

My psychologist boiled it nicely down to the following: It's all about chemicals circulating and getting into the brain. I might be wrong but things like GLP-1, menopause and limerence all changes brain chemicals drastically. But then again, men can also leave their wives and can also cheat. People are complex creatures for sure.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 05:04 AM
1

I agree. Stability is key. This is why I say focus on the basics of life to get you through the divorce. Basics like eating clean, clean house, finances under control, job stability, exercise and mental health. No reason to 'fight' anymore over mundane things once the relationship is over and the divorce is underway. Better to keep your peace, grey rock and let the lawyers and family courts handle the settlement and sort out your family plan.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 04:51 AM
1

I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm not here to judge you, looking back she kissed you while she was still married and you thought she would never cheat on you? I hope you can move on past this.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 04:42 AM
5

Same, lost more than half my net worth including retirement now at the ripe old age of 52. Will probably have to now work until I'm 80 but there is a good chance I won't last that long anyways. I really hope it was worth it for her to go find herself.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 11:24 PM
6

Sure I will get married again. I will even push for no prenups if she is wealthy and has lots more money than me. But then again most people my age in their 50s are not that stupid anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 11:22 PM
15

Gosh I just wonder if she would have forgotten her big day so quickly if she paid for all of it out of her own pocket.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 09:32 PM
3

Still here busy learning, reflecting and trying to do better in future during my 2 and a half year divorce proceedings.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 06:39 AM
1

Half of all marriages fail. It takes 2 people to actively choose each other every day for marriage to even stand a chance, even then, people change, things in life happens. Keep on being the best dad like you have been and focus on your kids like you are. Its good to reflect and to learn to do better but be kind and forgive yourself and focus on acceptance and letting go. None of us here are perfect in any way.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 05:01 AM
2

People are complex and relationships are difficult. Are you sure depression is solely to blame? What you are feeling is normal during divorce and is part of the grief during separation. Most of us here have had the same symptoms. You can find lots of posts and advice here on people in similar situations at the beginning of divorce. Good luck my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 04:50 AM
1

So after all this, the question then becomes why are you not moving on?
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 04:44 AM
1

You take it on the chin and ensure that it does not happen again.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 04:42 AM
5

I would say to first focus only on your kids and getting comfortable being by yourself alone. Running to escorts for escaping the pain at this time is the same as giving in to alcohol and/or drugs.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 05:52 AM
3

Sure it should be possible at any age if you willing to put in the time and effort to find what you are describing here which I don't think is unreasonable. Be prepared for some of the usual dating mishaps and put the time in to get to know them well before committing if that's what you want. Can't help with the kinky stuff as I guess that depends on who you get on with, but at our age you should know there is no such thing as perfection in all aspects of relationships/intimacy.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 05:41 AM
3

Also going through a grey divorce here. If you are serious about going through with it then the intimacy needs to stop. The lonely and comfort and familiarity after all these years is making it hard to break out of the loop/cycle. Like you say, its all you know. You will have to figure out how to get through this without her support/intimacy/etc.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 05:34 AM
3

I have to say that becoming bitter and resentful was an important part of getting through it and over her. It actually helped me see her part in full colors and I wrote it down. Mulled over it. Had angry conversations with her and her AP in my head. Although I still have my bad days, I at least know and recognize the symptoms of emotions that are just passing through and that they will fade with time. Embrace the suck because its going to suck. At least for a while until you've gone through the …
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 04:55 AM
2

You can always take it slow and get to know them. Don't think you can go wrong with stating up front you want to be friends and then see where it goes from there. Also you now have a child, you can rebuild and never have to live with a woman (or marry them) and put up with them ever again if you don't want to. Don't pay for expensive first dates, just coffee or a picnic or a walk. Once you know them and like them you can then decide what you want to spend if anything.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 12:54 AM
0

If you tell him and break them up, she will just go and find someone else. Sorry bro but your time is over with her and best is to look out for only yourself now.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/26 05:29 AM
2

I think there are actually some people that agree to 'nest' until the children are independent or left the house. Both have to agree though and if someone does not want to be 'just roommates' and want to go for whatever reason, then no point in trying to reason with them to stay. Also sometimes they detest you even before they have even spoken a word about divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/26 12:25 AM
1

Just wondering if she could have left because maybe some other non religious reasons. Hope you are not drinking to numb the pain anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/26 12:19 AM
1

So you think not praying and asking God to remove them is what made her leave?
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/26 11:49 PM
1

There seems to be some codependency between you two. There are books on the subject and also a reddit thread dedicated to codependency. Sorry my guy, from your description she might have some mental health issue as well.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/26 09:09 PM
4

A person can only take so much rejection for so long before they realize that in fact there is no other way but detaching and letting go. Instead the futile efforts in the end I think just builds resentment. We should not choose people that does not want us.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/26 08:51 PM
3

Keep talks to the kids and the divorce only. For the rest just grey rock from now on.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/26 04:37 AM
18

A lesson to all of us men here. Get them into a job before you divorce or even if you start to think about it. It will save you not only on alimony but also child support depending on how much she earns. I'm glad everything is working out for you bro. Your patience and hard work paid off.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/26 11:25 PM
3

From his point of view, he has been married already and he has children and went through an awful divorce. He probably lost a good amount of his net worth. Now you say that you demonstrated loyalty and stability under pressure. Maybe he felt that with his ex before she destroyed his life. You say this but you might change your mind any day in the future and just like most other woman file for divorce even though the man is willing to stay and work things out. (Most woman file) This experience co…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/26 03:13 AM
6

Sounds like a pretty standard monkey branch playbook. Sorry bro
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/26 03:03 AM
4

With 4 kids, first get to a place where you can both say you have tried everything because only then can you file saying irreconcilable differences and have piece of mind as well. You can also work on yourself if she is not coming to the party. Work like in find ways to communicate better which you can use in the current and the next relationship and with your kids and at work...
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/26 02:57 AM
1

You actually never have to unless one or both of you wants it. But be prepared that it will usually come up so either be upfront about what you want out of the relationship at the start or be prepared to face the conversations with honesty.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/26 10:02 PM
1

• Am I doing the right things? Yes you look like you are offering very good support for your dad. • Are the mixed signals, suicidal statements but future plans, common? Hard to say as I'm not a therapist but I'd say your dad's whole world has been turned upside down and he could be grieving or facing depression. • How do I support him without becoming the sole emotional pillar? Ask him what he needs. Support (listening only), solutions (advice) or space as he will have to come to terms and accep…
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/26 09:31 AM
3

So hang on, you are an alcoholic and you think it's unreasonable for her to breathalyze you? Sorry bro I'd like to support you here but I think I'd much rather hear her side of the story. Forced you into rehab? I would have tried the same if I cared for someone. I smell a rat.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 08:58 PM
7

Brother, we have all been where you are at some point in one form or another. What you are describing is exactly how I felt at the beginning of our divorce. I know its a tough and emotional time so please try to be kind to yourself while you work through this. Try to find forgiveness for yourself as none of us are perfect. We all have our faults. Taking accountability is healthy but don't put yourself down. You are grieving.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 08:52 PM
2

I'd rather read books about topics/issues that I think I need assistance with, but that's just me.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 08:46 PM
12

Or it reveals who are your true friends, family and confidants.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 05:25 AM
9

After reading to her out loud all her exploits in her journal, she tore it apart and flushed the pages down the toilet then flat out denied everything and said I was going crazy.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 05:23 AM
3

STBXW went for a holiday overseas to 'visit' family. Came back with fake tattoo eyebrows. It completely turned me off, thought it looked as fake as her finding herself trobe and that it must be hard to be almost 50. Shame.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 04:57 AM
5

Why answer her and let her play on your feelings? You are allowing this. Just ignore the late night lonely regret texts from her. Keep communication for and about the divorce only.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 02:35 AM
3

It depends on lots of things. If you are having an affair, then dopamine will probably block the grief to some extent. I think its harder if you are the one dealing with someone that cheats or have cheated. The mental gymnastics of questioning everything can be overwhelming for sure. What are you doing to let go and move on, to reflect, to take accountability, to forgive? Its ok to grief, heal and reflect but don't let it turn into a life long pity party.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 08:36 AM
5

Ok I understand your situation. Lots of us here did not want our kids growing up with divorced parents. Lots of us here would have done anything to save our marriages at some point. None of us got married and had kids to get divorced. Here is the reality. 50% of all first marriages fail. Let that sink in. Accept that you fall into this category. It's going to be ok. So slow down for a bit, take stock of where you are and what you have going for you. Let them label you however they want. None of …
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 08:30 AM
1

Even if Jesus himself came back and you saved him, you would be blamed by her. In her eyes you will always be the bad guy and she the victim. That is how the playbooks run...
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/26 11:54 PM
2

Depending on how she approached and spoke about this sensitive issue, I can understand that it might be something no one wants to hear. It would be a difficult topic of discussion with your intimate partner even under the best of circumstances. But I'd rather have open and honest communication and work it out with her than her keeping it quiet and then resents you for it and leaves you for someone else or just breaks up about it.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/26 11:51 PM
3

Of course you question yourself. Things that happened and things that was said. You take accountability for the part you played. You learn from your mistakes and the pain makes you grow stronger if you want to do better in future. Or if you were a cheater you just went straight into your next future disappointment.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/26 09:06 PM
13

Another soon to be grey divorcee here. I recommend getting divorced sooner rather than later. If you decide to wait it out, make sure that you have detached and emotionally disconnected from her once the divorce starts because once it starts its just a financial transaction. Start checking out and find out worse case how financially ruined you will possibly be. How will you do that if you still live with this woman and have to face her everyday? It's only amicable until you sit with your lawyers…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 01:33 AM
6

This!
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 01:25 AM
1

Some of the hard part is that you have been living with this person day in and day out. You shared intimacy and memories. Then its over for whatever reason and it just leaves an empty space where there was once someone. Silence when there was once a voice. Coldness when there was once a warm body next to you in your bed. This is why I recommend to get a dog. They provide much the same if not better apart from intimacy of course. Your best friend for their short lifes. Dogs betraying or leaving t…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 01:22 AM
2

The thing is your friends are not therapists. They hear you in the beginning and like most people they probably said do this or that. Then if you don't take their advice they start thinking, I told him this is what he should do and he doesn't do it so I don't know what to tell him anymore. Aka, what's the point? Few can just sit and listen without giving unsolicited advice. They give advice because they do care so its good to realize that but its not always what you need. Perhaps when you sit do…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 01:12 AM
-2

Question if I may: What do you think is more exciting to talk about for teenage daughters? Dating and probably any hilarious things your ex gets up to when she is dating (hopefully nothing sexual being discussed) or any other everyday mundane things like homework or school activities? Perhaps this is how she and her mother bonds. There is nothing you can do about the way your ex is interacting with your daughter when she is with her. Is this correct behavior from the mother? Is she not allowed t…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 12:55 AM
3

Great awareness for so much to be grateful for, your sister and on paper that you are better off. Also that you are hopefully not funding her travelling. Grieving is not linear and even if you did not go through this, some days will be better than others. A matter of perspective I guess. Good luck my guy
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 12:13 AM
3

Feeling like it was a lie and Facebook posts still upsetting you. Not really going to tell what to do regarding Facebook posts of your ex but have you asked yourself why you are feeling it was a lie and why the Facebook posts are upsetting you? Could it be that you are not completely healed? Maybe you can do some more work on yourself? For me the final step towards healing is actually wishing her well and nothing upsets me about what she posts of who she is with or what she is doing. Like she is…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 07:42 AM
4

Also early 50s, divorce dragging along, married longer than you. Probably will be financially ruined but after 2 years everything is starting to sit better with me now. I struggle with the same issues as you and also I definitely don't want my ex back ever. Reading relationship, attachment, communication and marriage (Gottman) books helped me lots learning about myself and how I could have done things differently. It also helps me to look at the man in the mirror and how he can change his ways. …
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 07:34 AM
2

Well done OP. Keep the communication lines open for now. Keep using the Gottman guidelines like soft startups and repair attempts during discussions. Watch for signs of the 4 horsemen. You are doing everything you can and doing your best to understand. I really wished I had known about Gottman and his seven principles of how to make marriage work before she left me. You are giving it every chance. I hope she comes to the party. If she doesn't you can have some closure in that you tried all the t…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 07:11 AM
5

Social media, dating apps, bad friend circles, affair partners, feminism, work husbands and wives, etc. Yes all of these does not help but honestly after 25 years of marriage, we both are nowhere near the same person we were 2 decades ago.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 05:11 AM
1

For me the anxiety got much better after the cohabitation stopped. She wrecked my nervous system. Now that I don't see or talk to her everyday, it's gotten much better. I still feel anxious sometimes and some nights are better than others as the divorce is not all done yet, but I am in a much better headspace and have done loads of work on myself.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 04:59 AM
1

That's brutal man, I'm sorry this happened to you
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 11:22 PM
13

Why would you get married again?
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 05:43 AM
3

Maybe look into codependency and trauma bonding.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 03:13 AM
2

Buckle down bro. You can do this. One day you will look back at this and remember how strong and resilient it made you.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 03:12 AM
3

Tell me more about your reconciliation please. I've heard of a couple of reconciliations that just ended up in divorce in any case in the end.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 03:10 AM
2

Don't know but sounds a bit like tax fraud if you ask me.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 03:08 AM
8

Tell her she can get a boob job or any other work done after the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 12:54 AM
2

Sorry you are here and that this is happening to you. Intimacy and human connection is a basic human need. Sounds like you married an avoident from your description. A time might come after all this turmoil that you can find love and hopefully peace if you do the work. For now focus on yourself and healing.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 11:04 AM
2

I'll be the responsible one to tell you to look in the mirror and ask yourself why are you here? What was your part in the breakdown of the marriage? What will you do differently in future? Once you can honestly and compassionately answer some of these open ended questions, you will be able to face yourself. No one escapes the grief, it will show up in unexpected ways in future if you go for lust and instant gratifications of the gamified apps.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 10:57 AM
2

If I were you I would try following up on some of the new interests you mentioned.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 09:14 PM
4

Teenagers can be very hard to deal with. They can be rebellious and its all very frustrating, I know. Best you can do is to stay calm under fire and let them know you love them no matter what they/she thinks or says about you. And that you will always be there for her. Fight fire with love with your children. Your ex? Just grey rock her all the way through these dramas. You can only control yourself, how you respond (not react) and what is under your influence.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 06:21 AM
1

I hear you my young friend. The end of a relationship is hard for anyone. Grief is a rollercoaster of emotions for sure and definitely not linear. I might suggest you rather focus on acceptance. Letting go is an art but I promise you its the only way forward. You are young and have your whole life before you. Look in the mirror and ask yourself what was your part in getting you to where you are. You might not like what you see but that is ok. Learn from it. Grow. One day many years from now if y…
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 06:13 AM
3

Don't know if this will change anything for you Ok_Builder but have you heard of the Dartmouth Scar Experiment? https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/beyond-school-walls/202410/invisible-scars It sounds to me like self limiting mentality and you should try to focus on your internal locus of control, but what do I know. Stoicism might also help. These are just suggestions. I don't know how to solve your depression sorry.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 05:36 AM
1

For us accused narcissists', we actually never vanished and we are always ourselves. We can actually move on quite quickly if you believe the internet and social media reels and videos.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 05:23 AM
3

I've found the gaslighting and being told I'm going crazy quite amusing. Even after I showed her black and white proof, she would still deny anything. Like when we were still talking, she said she wanted 50/50 with everything and I said ok. Then she wouldn't do half the school runs, cooking, cleaning, washing, and of course didn't contribute anything to the bills. I thought ok so only 50/50 when it suits you. You just can't make this up and now I'm just like ok just smile and wave boys. Smile an…
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 05:11 AM
1

I can see a case for maybe telling them your marriage is not going well and its probably not going to make it. This prepares them for the final message that its over not long after the previous discussion. Either way its going to be hard and uncomfortable. You can maybe pre meditate the prepare for the discussion in your head beforehand and some of the scenarios that might follow on so you can have pre planned things to say. Also if you are going to be upbeat and tell them it will be ok and that…
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 04:51 AM
3

How can you be absolutely alone in the world if you have kids? Can't you find someone else to talk to? Family, friends, church, supermarket, work, etc. If you were to advise your best friend that is in your position or if it was your son, what would you tell them after all the things you've tried? Now keep in mind, lot's of times life is just plain boring and filled with lots of chores. Not every moment is great and full of euphoria. Do you agree? Don't know what else to tell you but in the end …
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 04:06 AM
3

I hear you, I'd rather recommend getting a dog because I'm a dog person, but to each their own.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 03:57 AM
3

Keep your favorite radio station on in the background. Dance and sing along when your songs come up while you clean and pick up the toys. That's what I do. Hope it helps.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 03:55 AM
5

Get your popcorn and soda and just sit back, relax and watch the whole mr nice guy/simp crumbles when his true colors starts showing and/or the limerence stops and/or the money runs out. Most of the wealthiest people I know, actually live very modest lifes. It might be he is just still trying to impress her for some reason and likes to flaunts that he has some money to keep her interested. That might fade sooner than you think if he really does not have the money to back it up.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 03:52 AM
4

What is it about not being with your ex wife that makes you hate every minute of your life? I mean even when you were married, you weren't with your ex every minute of every day. Think about it, you were at work most of the time and only saw her in the evenings and weekends. Did you also hate every minute of every day when you were not with her while you were married?
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 03:46 AM
1

She would walk away for some 'privacy' while on calls with others. I could also hear her in her room talking, laughing almost like she wanted me to know. Her phone was always close and guarded, like some kind of lifeline. Was so happy to help her move out of here knowing I don't ever want her back. Good riddance, I could finally start sleeping and living again. Was the worst time of my life.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 11:50 PM
1

Unfortunately reasoning and being reasonable won't make her run back to you. It's all based on feelings and if they don't 'feel' it anymore, it's over.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 10:46 PM
2

Dude you are a trooper. I agree on radical acceptance and just letting them go.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 09:17 PM
4

I cohabited for almost 2 years. Worst time of my life. She wanted 'space' and needed to find herself after 25 years married. Wish I did not waste my time with reconciliation.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 08:47 PM
4

No. I had to face that we grew apart in the 25 years. The one thing I could get her to admit was that I was loyal and that I provided for our family. Unfortunately I could not say the same about her after she rejoined the workforce. I don't know when we stopped caring about each other or when exactly our friendship ended, but it did. Her lying and behavior hurt me more than I'd like to admit. I don't trust her anymore, never will.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 05:28 AM
1

That last sentence had me lmfao
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 04:14 AM
3

Feelings are just visitors let them go Sorry you are going through this bro, I know it's hard.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 03:36 AM
4

Be grateful your situation is not very complex (no kids, etc.). It still hurts I know. Keep on keeping your head high bro, this grief and heartache too shall pass.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 03:20 AM
1

Rumination is normal, its uncomfortable I know. At the start there is lots going on your mind. You are trying to make sense of it all. The fear is very normal as well. All the rumination kept me awake and the fear was debilitating. For the first year during my divorce I could not see my life after divorce. I could not see where I would live. How I could parent and how I could survive this. Now in year 3 of my divorce, I can tell you I'm not afraid anymore. Even if I lost everything, it's all jus…
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 03:08 AM
2

And how do we change this? Won't there always be simps or players waiting to pounce? Education on what exactly? That woman can leave whenever they want? That we don't own them? That they hardly take accountability? That there is no commitment anymore? That you can get financially and emotionally destroyed in a divorce? Or is it that we have to know that there is a 50% chance that our marriage will fail? And will this statistic actually change anything for hearts that are blinded by love? Or is i…
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 11:17 PM
2

It looks like you are putting most of the blame of your current situation on yourself. Most of us here would admit to trying to save our marriages. I bet most would also admit it being too late. Before just checking out, she could have also done things much differently. Don't you agree? Read the book 'The seven principles of making marriages work' by John Gottman and find what was missing, Reflection is your path to growth but don't get stuck there. Learn from it and move on. Live your life. Par…
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 11:00 PM
1

I was discarded after 25 years. Be careful with texts. If you get a message from her, don't reply immediately. Wait an hour. If you are still flooded and not calm, wait another hour. Also you don't have to reply to everything. Comms only for parenting or divorce related. No texts or talks or arguing about anything else. Maybe best to work through the lawyers or use a parenting app.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 10:41 PM
1

There is a codependency reddit threat that might also help you with this. They have to want to stop and change themselves, as you can't fix her addiction. Play it cool and calm, you have to try to stop the funding of anything. First order is to sort your finances. She will rebel against this, but it has to be done else she will just drag you under with her. Start talking to a lawyer. Unless you can get her into a stable job before divorce, it's going to be painful financially like you mentioned.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 10:36 PM
1

No shame in admitting to doing the pick me dance. Most of us have done the same unsuccessfully. She might be recording trying to catch you for evidence of violence/harassment so keep your cool. Respond, don't react. If she records you being calm under fire there is nothing that she can do with that. Best to show no emotion. Grey rock method.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 10:27 PM
2

I hear you. Also thought nothing would cause divorce except abuse or adultery. I thought she would never leave me. She did and for someone else. It hurts in places I did not know existed in me. I thought the ups and downs and the disconnect were just part of stages of long marriage. Its important like you mentioned that you both have a part to play in this. Therefore its important to be kind to yourself in this process. Its important to forgive yourself and to work towards acceptance after your …
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 10:19 PM
1

Sounds more like you are caring for a child than an adult. Does not sound like there is any team work here. Why can't she do half and pay for half as well? Don't know what to tell you bro apart from that she won't change as long as you allow this.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 06:24 AM
2

Don't worry bro, she probably wrote the same things or worse about you.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 06:12 AM
4

Dude, you have nothing to lose and nothing to fear. Take some decent pics, then go fishing on the apps. Don't take it too seriously. Some will be flaky. Even if you get a bite, don't stress about confidence. Just let them do most of the talking, smile and listen. It seems as soon as us men open our mouths, their fantasies starts disappearing.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 06:08 AM
3

Whatever you were going to spend on her, spend it on yourself and enjoy it. If you need to write, just write in your journal. If you need to send her something, cut out letters from a newspaper and put together the following sentence: "I know what you did last summer ... "
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 06:03 AM
3

That mix tape though ... classic lol. Keep it for your new love someday.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 05:58 AM
1

That gift and letter should go to anyone else but your ex.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 05:55 AM
–

In response to loneliness. How can it be that it is familiar to feel like a number in a crowd, a stranger in a room full of people. You might find you need to search beneath, deeper than the flesh, looks that fade. Is it that you are longing for a true connection? That wherever you are, it does not matter because you sense this pull, like gravity. Like the current in the ocean, a feather in the wind. This longing is what makes people go out, fall in love, get married, start a family, lie, betray…
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 08:43 PM
1

Never felt more lonely than while cohabitating during divorce with the person I have spent the last 25 years with. The brutal condescending coldness and callousness felt like being stabbed in my heart every day, every hour, every minute I was with her. Calls to someone else behind closed doors, protecting her phone like it was her lifeline. I would rather think it best she left without notice, never to be seen or heard from ever again. No answers, no questions, no closure, just nothingness would…
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 08:29 AM
6

Stonewalling is one of the 4 horsemen of the divorce apocalypse (Gottman). She could be in peri/menopause or she could be having an affair. Sorry
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 05:45 AM
2

It's called Limerence
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 05:42 AM
3

Helping her move out of the house after she said there is no hope and she wants divorce. I could finally have peace and could start to sleep again. Reading books on relationships helped me learn more about myself and how I can do better in future and what my part of the relationship breakup was. Wish I did not do the pick me dance to try to reconciliate after she had feelings for another man. Should have shown her the door as soon as she said she wanted out.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 05:35 AM
2

Why do you even care at this point? Because it looks like divorce are on the horizon. Your mind is racing and you are ruminating on the past and the future. I am sorry you are going through this. It really is a painful experience. If I have to take a wild guess, your wife has someone else that she is interested in and she will break up the family for her happiness.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 05:31 AM
2

For some people they feel like they move forward if they can figure out like in your case, what made them pull two steps back? They can move forward if they can work out what went wrong and what their part in the breakup of relationship was. Some use therapy, for me reading books on relationships helped me figure out more about myself. Never had time of thought to do while I was married (my mistake). If you can figure yourself out, then you can start to say, ok I did this then and in future I wo…
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 05:24 AM
2

Couple of milestones for me was: When I started sleeping again and not waking up in anxious thoughts after 2 hours Then not thinking about her when I wake up and go to bed (from all the time to just these) Having less and less rage and anger while running with my dog (had full blown conversations telling her and her AP exactly what I thought of them) Final stage is wishing her well
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/26 05:15 AM
1

They can go cheat and do whatever they like. None of my business. Not my problem at all. Not my circus anymore. Walk away my brother and just let it go. Your life will be better without any of this adulterous drama.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 08:10 AM
3

Divorce really brings out the worst in people.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/26 02:12 AM
2

Read the book 'The seven principles of making marriage work' by John Gottman. Learned much more from that book about how I could have done things better than from any therapist.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 11:13 PM
2

Don't get married, people change, nothing lasts forever, Internal Locus of Control, divorce can be the best and worst thing that have ever happened to you. Read the book: 'The seven principles of making marriage work' by John Gottman
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 10:34 AM
9

I hope you learned your lesson and don't get married again.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 09:42 AM
2

From what you wrote it would seem you have an insecure attachment style. The book 'Attached' will give you perhaps more detail on the different styles and how to become more secure where you can feel that you not only deserver true love but can also reciprocate it. Also don't be fooled, looks can be deceiving. Keep in mind the divorce rate is 50% and mostly initiated by woman.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 05:46 AM
1

Great answer!
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 05:37 AM
4

Read John Gottman's book called: The seven principles to make marriage work. I wish I read it while I was still married, at least I think I could have handled our disagreements better. He has specific sections on dealing with common issues like housework, money, sex etc. Also he has great advice on how to do soft startups, the 4 horsemen of the divorce apocalypse and repair attempts during disagreements. In saying that, its pointless you do 'the work' and she does not change or come to the party…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 02:20 AM
5

I'm sorry this is happening to you bro. Maybe its for the best although I am sure it does not feel like it at this moment.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 02:13 AM
3

She talked to half a dozen divorced hens, and also don't forget the all the new guys she has been monkey branching to replace you with. I bet there is someone ready to commit to her or maybe they're just love bombing her until they get what they want, whatever that may be.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 01:49 AM
3

If you sit her down and tell her that you don't want to be the person she wants you to be in other words that this relationship as it is at the moment is not working, then make sure you have your divorce proceeding ducks in a row.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 01:31 AM
2

How will this help their situation? They likely will start calling each other narcissists and treat each other as such while nothing gets resolved. It might just make it worse. Unless someone is clinically diagnosed as a narcissist, don't call them that. It creates a trobe/narrative that once that seed is planted is hard to undo.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 01:02 AM
2

For now you will have to get used to being the villain and that's ok. Don't take it personal, its just the way the playbook of divorce runs.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 03:19 AM
2

I find even now 30 months post separation, that on my daily 6 mile trail runs I have full blown raging conversations with her in mind, telling her what I think of her and her AP. When I get back home, I feel better that I got it out of my system. I believe it helps me. I am monitoring these conversations in my head, the frequency and intensity of them. I know they will eventually fade just like the memories of her. Life will go on, there is no magic to healing grief. Just the passing of time tha…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 02:51 AM
2

It definitely is long road to get to peace. I wish I can feel about her like I do for one of my ex girlfriends. The end goal for me is to get to the same place where if I see one of my ex girlfriends at an event with her husband/boyfriend, I would be happy that she is happy. I would wish her well. I know then that I am healed when I can reach that point of indifference and good sentiment.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 02:44 AM
2

This! Couldn't have said it better myself
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 02:40 AM
2

Thanks for this, I agree with your post. It does hit very valid points.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 01:53 AM
2

How long is a piece of string? None if this is linear and depends on each individual situation and how entangled you are, or if you have kids or not that means you will have to remain in contact and things like are you cohabitating. Things started getting better for me after 2 years of cohabitating after she moved out. I hope you also outlast this like I did and hopefully your timeframe isn't as bad as mine and that makes you unbreakable because the pain will force you to grow as a person. Get c…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 01:48 AM
1

Answers? Read the book by John Gottman: The seven principles of making marriage work. With his research on married couples, he could predict divorce with 90% accuracy. Let that sink in, 90% accuracy. I promise you it will open up your eyes for your future/current relationships. I can't recommend this book enough.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 01:39 AM
1

How do you know its over? According to John Gottman when negative sentiment override is the prevailing sentiment in your marriage then its almost impossible to come back from it. I highly recommend the book by John Gottman called The seven principles for making marriage work. From the work he did with married couples, he could predict divorce with 90% accuracy. Work through that book and see how you could possibly have much better relationships in future. Good luck my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 01:31 AM
3

If you are going through hell, keep on walking....
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 12:57 AM
3

Why would you be afraid you are going to be your best self for someone else if she has not chosen you? Looks like you have and are doing the work on taking accountability and to become better. This better you deserves someone that does the same and feels the same way about you. The next body of work for you seems to be on the art of letting go of what was probably never meant to be forever.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 12:56 AM
1

I dealt with some of the same issues as you and more during my 26 year marriage and was looking for answers after she left. I wanted to figure out what was going on in our marriage towards the end of it. The book by John Gottman: 'The seven principles of making marriage work' helped me more than anything else, even therapy. It helped me to see how we both could have done better in handling perpetual and/or solvable conflicts, how negative sentiment override prevailed and we turned against each o…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 12:01 AM
4

When he is with you, he is your responsibility. You call the shots, whether she likes it or not. When he is with her, then its the other way around. Set some boundaries with her in this regard and stick to it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 11:53 PM
1

So you both don't work? How do you make ends meat? I guess then at least you won't have much to loose financially. Divorce then if you think its going to make your life better. Go find and pursue a career without being held back. Find your purpose. You know what they say, you only have one life, don't waste it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 11:47 PM
1

How old are your kids? If they are old enough to be influenced by their mother then they might also be old enough to understand your reason for leaving the marriage. Maybe have a look at the divorce_woman reddit threads and see if they worried what their ex husbands thought about having a new partner and how it will influence the kids. I bet you most of them does not give a damn once custody is locked in or even before it is.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 11:28 PM
2

The timing may be bad and financially it might hurt more, but on the other hand, the sooner you can get this divorce behind you, the sooner you can move on and rebuild. What would I have done differently earlier? I wish I would have just agreed to her asking for divorce the first time instead of doing the pick me dance, I should have told her, you want to go? Well you know where the door is. Ironically that would have actually also saved me money because after all that, property has become more …
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 11:11 PM
4

Mate, every sentence in your post is what most of us here are going through or have been through. So you are not alone. I also felt I was not going to make it through, but I pushed on anyways. That's what we do. Cohabitating was the worst part for me and it lasted almost 2 years. Once she moved out 7 months ago, I could start to sleep and focus on healing. Just keep moving forward, I promise you it will get better. I had the same fears and insecurity about the future. After doing the work I did,…
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 09:56 PM
9

Work on yourself/I need space/I love you but not in love with you/I need to find myself, etc. Yes for sure those are signs your marriage is in dire straights and this is usually followed by us doing some kind of pick me dance and when that does not work we are usually way behind trying to process the end of a relationship while dealing with divorce logistics and opposition tactics. It's overwhelming and can be brutal because its so life changing...
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 09:44 PM
4

Tough times ahead bro. Make sure you get 50/50 for your boys and be there for them when they are with you. You can still be the present, unconditional, loving and supportive father they need if you focus on that.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 09:36 PM
2

I am sorry my guy, I'm in the same boat with the same amount of time. It was hell cohabitating with her. I started healing and am in a much better mental state now after she left 7 months ago. It has been the darkest and most challenging time of my life after I found out she was in love with a house friend of ours. The mental gymnastics was astronomical. I want to tell you that it will get better. I have accepted and moved on now that I have less contact with her. What helped me the most was tak…
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 10:37 AM
2

Read the book 'The seven principles of making marriage work' by John Gottman. It helped me more than my psychologist ever did. Also in the book explains why couples therapy generally does not work. I can't recommend it enough for your future relationships. It definitely opened my eyes, made me see how I could have handled problems better and has all the tools. As I never got closure from her after she turned towards her AP, it let me to conclusions I would have never been able to see have I not …
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 03:46 AM
1

Therapy did not help me that much as my therapist was more concerned that I was suicidal in the beginning. For me what helped the most was to reflect and work out what was the reasons my 26 year marriage collapsed so that I don't make the same mistakes in relationships again. During my research I found books the best. I recommend 'Attached' to learn about your attachment style and the absolute best book so far for me as I struggled with dealing with conflict (no violence, just me and my big mout…
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 03:22 AM
2

I hope she keeps her word...
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 03:06 AM
3

There is no magic to just easily turn off and switch off and erase the past. Your mind will have to go through this processing to make you eventually realize the fruitily of your thoughts. Advice? Maybe try make a list of why it's a good idea that the marriage broke up. Instead of focusing on the rose tinted glasses of your wife, try to write down what you hated in the marriage. This might bring you to the rage/anger part of grief after which you will eventually also realize that it's certainly …
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:54 AM
6

Unfortunately there is no easy way to filter this out until you sit in front of them and talk and get to know them. Remember the older we get, the more 'baggage' and relationships you will have had. I guess ask about the relationship history if you think you will get the truth. I want to ask you, would you rather date/attract people that has been divorced or bachelorettes that have never been married and have not gone through the terrible experience that is divorce? Does it indicate healing/trau…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 06:05 AM
1

It's not that you will never think of her again. It's that the thoughts change as you heal. The thoughts move more towards memories of a past that you shared. In the beginning if you were cheated on the mental gymnastics and rumination to me was all consuming. You question everything and with trust gone you don't know what to believe. I could not sleep while we cohabited until she moved out 7 months ago. She disrupted my nervous system that much. Since she moved out, my sleep return to normal an…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 05:50 AM
2

They are great until they are not. Of the ones that still are married, how many just stay because kids etc.? More than you think
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 11:10 PM
3

I am sure what you are experiencing are symptoms of grief. It comes and goes in waves of emotions, has no real timeline and can play tricks on your mind. Just sit with it bro, let it wash over and out of you.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 02:04 AM
6

Mate, please realize that you are just part of half of marriages that failed. Yes 50% divorce rate on first marriages. Of the other 50% that are married, please know that its just a matter of time before they also divorce. These days only 2 unicorns stay married for life. Please stop putting woman on pedestals. They are NOT all sugar and spice and all things nice. Go have fun, you only have one life, go live it as best you can.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 01:54 AM
1

Brother, we might as well be twins. I'm early 50s, busy divorcing after 26 years. Separated for almost 2 and a half years now. I'm also short tempered, bitter and resentful. When I go running I still have full conversations in my head with my ex and her AP telling them exactly what I think of them. I have found and have been dating a nice woman now for about 3 months. Have to admit that it's nice to get a break from all the resentment as I now find myself starting to think more of times I have h…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 01:50 AM
8

I'm early 50s and busy with divorce after the same amount of years married as you. After losing more than half my assets in this divorce I definitely don't want to lose half again by getting married again. I have kids so been there done that. Now I just have girlfriends until they start acting up and disrespecting me, then I move on to the next. I don't mind ending up alone or not having the drama of being with a girlfriend, I can entertain myself and am happy to be by myself. At this stage I kn…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 01:21 AM
5

That hurts brother I know. Being discarded like trash cuts deep. I used to think that if I could just communicate better then I could have perhaps saved my marriage but now I've learned from reading and studying that we lost our friendship and we both didn't like each other in the end. Negative sentiment overrode all of our interactions. I try to figure out when did we lose our friendship along the 25 year marriage with 2 kids, moved 2 countries and doing the grind. I don't know. I just know it …
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 01:15 AM
12

Don't forget the 'friends', therapists, colleagues, dating apps, family edging them on. Go Queens! Ruled by external validation.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 01:08 AM
4

Blasted Linkin Park all the way through my divorce and still going
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 05:25 AM
3

I'm sorry bro. I know all of this takes a toll. It's really hard to go through all this. Lots of us have been there. You will have to let go of trying to control everything when your daughter is not with you. I promise you it will drive you mad with worry. When she is with her mother you will have to accept that your daughter is her responsibility. Good luck my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 05:20 AM
1

And we are still waiting for the meditation tips.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 12:55 AM
2

I hear you bro and feel for you. It's not easy but you have to be brave. Be kind to yourself and take it hour by hour, day by day. Sit with the pain and heartache. Don't run from it, embrace it. Feelings are uncomfortable but they don't last forever. Learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable. That's life. You can do this! Us men are made to keep walking even if we go through hell.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 12:47 AM
3

Let me tell you bro, nothing you will say or do will beat the lovebombing from a new guy that she does not resent or have contempt for. It will get easier with time as it will take time to process all this. Focus on your mental and physical health. It's normal to feel lost and grief but all we have is now. The past are memories and the future is what we make of it. You can rebuild. Piece to you. You are not alone, lots of people hurting in the world for various reasons. It will make you strong. …
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 12:41 AM
1

Enjoy the calm before the storm
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 12:33 AM
3

Bumpy road ahead but your head seems to be in the correct space.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 12:27 AM
1

No one 'likes' to wear condoms but that is not the point of using it though.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 12:23 AM
1

That is a great one thanks. I recommend parkrun which is also free and volunteer based. You can walk or run it. Build great connections and make new friends.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 12:20 AM
3

Bro just get out there and have fun. Don't get sucked into thinking woman are all angels and are so special and can't do nothing wrong. Please take the rose tinted glasses off. There are lots of incompatible ones out there. The more you date, the more experience you will get with woman. Almost like exposure therapy. Unfortunately its a numbers game in the end and you will have to go through the weed to find the potential matches for you. Don't cop feelings too soon and keep it casual. You're an …
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 11:52 PM
7

Next time she goes off on you again, just tell her ok and that you have to go. It's nice that she reminds you why you got divorced in the first place and that you are better off now. Hell will freeze over before they will take any accountability for anything. It's not how they function.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 06:58 AM
6

Betrayal runs deep man. How can you know you are healed from all of that?
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 03:30 AM
5

Get your own space and get away from her. Don't do this. You are making a mistake. What more can I say?
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 12:31 AM
5

Divorcing mainly because of you. Can you elaborate? Why would you be the only one at fault? Like she is some kind of angel? Nope, please take off the rose tinted glasses my friend and see her for what she is. The sooner the better.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 12:29 AM
1

Adding: Structure, discipline and routine while focusing on the basics of life. Cook clean healthy food at home that you made yourself. Clean up your finances and stay on top of it. Keep a clean house. Build a community (mens groups, friends, family contact) Dating once you have reflected, took accountability and healed from the previous relationship to make sure you don't run into the same issues/mistakes. Learn a new skill. New hobbies or current ones you like. Keep away from drugs/alcohol/soc…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 06:56 AM
2

Start getting grounded by focusing on the basics of life. Clean house, clean home cooked food, work and finances, exercise for physical health and then mental work. The mental work includes reflection, accountability and processing of how you got where you are and how to move forward. Be kind to yourself and remember it takes 2 people to make a relationship work so don't put all the blame on yourself. Keep a list of the things she did that you despised. Keep a list of reasons why you are better …
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 06:33 AM
3

It's difficult to comment if you are not stating what your issues are with the relationship. I can't tell if she want you to say its over because that's what she also wants or if she wants you to say you still love her and give her attention/validation. I can't figure out from this is she is willing to put in the work to save this relationship or if its too late and one or more of Gottman's 4 horses of the divorce apocalypse is present.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 06:25 AM
2

Relationships should also function for us to learn. Learn more about ourselves and try to do better. Take accountability, reflect and move on trying not to repeat past mistakes. This is part of the work you have to do. Control what you can control and respond, don't react. Figure out your attachment style, anxious, secure or avoident and learn about your love languages. Make sure you know the Gottman 4 horses of the apocalypse and their antidotes that can predict divorce with 90% accuracy. Alway…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 05:54 AM
1

Give it to her. Let it go. Why hang on to it? The sooner you can get rid of intimate stuff (or any other stuff you shared) with her, the quicker you will get over her.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 05:30 AM
5

If its still fresh for you then this is all part of the grieving ups and downs. Just because you are ready to move on does not mean you are healed and the grief is suppose to disappear like magic.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 01:20 AM
2

Take more than a moment, take years. I recommend 5 years at least. Then you can start to say you know someone well.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 01:14 AM
8

Not that long ago, we were all schizophrenics, now the new social media fueled buzzword for us are narcissists.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 12:59 AM
1

Yes they watch some social media and then all of a sudden your diagnoses are confirmed and its a closed case. Never even looking at themselves, always what's wrong with the other person.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 12:33 AM
3

Lol paying bills a waste? Paying bills are just being an adult.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 12:10 AM
3

Good luck if you are the main breadwinner and have kids.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/26 11:58 PM
2

How long have you been married? In some states after 10 years you have lifelong alimony ... just saying if its getting close to that it might be a reason. Although I agree people don't usually change, I would say Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change. I generally can't really tell if she has changed and will keep it up. Some people can learn and grow and evolve. Most can't so take it for what its worth.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 12:16 AM
1

Sounds to me like you accepted the free lifestyle and she did not know you were cheating on her. Sorry but as someone that has been cheated on, I can't support you or your decisions here. I agree you should not have married her but would say you should have divorced her much earlier rather than cheated on her.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/26 11:35 PM
7

The end game for you should be indifference to whatever she wants/does/says. This peace is what you should be striving for. Very few people actually get closure.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/26 03:13 AM
2

Don't underestimate how much an angry stbxw and her attorney can drag things out. I would not make any immediate plans if I were you.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/26 01:38 AM
16

Go back now and don't leave the house. Stay calm under fire and don't beg or plead for her to take you back. She wants out. Let her. Start the divorce and make sure you get 50/50 with the kids. Stop fruitless arguing. Grey rock or use the BIFF methods until the divorce is done.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/26 12:57 AM
2

Unfortunately according to their research contempt is the biggest indicator of divorce and also the hardest to overcome.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/26 12:23 AM
2

Sounds like classic avoident attachment. Also please understand your situation is almost classic in terms of sex getting less the longer the marriage lasted. Not sure why she does not want your last name. There is a book called 'Attached' that you can read to understand attachment styles. Does not look like therapy is helping much. I wish woman would understand that sex is how men stay connected. The intimacy is more than just physical for us. Withholding sex for whatever reason for however long…
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/26 12:11 AM
1

Gosh talk about being in between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand I think you should tell her what your needs are in your marriage and give her one more chance to change. Make it clear this is her last chance. I think she deserves it if she has been faithful. On the other hand I don't know how the two of you can actually rekindle your love and sex life. I know its hard after being married for that long, especially if you are not curious about each other or show love anymore. Or you can j…
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/26 11:50 PM
5

Never give up brother and never surrender to not being a part of your kids lives. You have a right to be their father and see them half the time. Make this your purpose until it becomes your new normal. You can thank me later.
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/26 11:30 PM
7

Many men have tried to 'save' their marriages and have been exactly in this position. They would have sacrificed their happiness for the family. Few manage to actually save their marriages and if they do, the divorce comes later or they live subordinate unhappy lives.
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/26 05:30 AM
2

Sorry brother, it sucks being cheated on I know. I'm in the same situation but getting 50/50 with my daughter. Grey divorce. Funny she also wants to 'find herself' at almost 50 years old. I am at the point now where I would like to keep the house because I like it but also I have accepted if I can't keep my house by buying her out, then its also ok. Nothing materialistic will go with me to my grave one day but my kids will remember if I was kind, loving and supportive.
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/26 05:17 AM
6

A story unfortunately all too common in modern society. It hurts like hell to be cheated on. I'm sorry this happened to you.
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/26 12:53 AM
8

That is why they say a dog is a man's best friend. Apart from dogs, our kids may be the only other beings that come close to give us unconditional love without intimacy. Dogs will always be for me, the best thing that exists on this planet.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 05:12 AM
1

Also it's only amicable until her friends/family/lawyer/therapist tells her to go for every last cent she can get out of you.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 02:57 AM
1

In some countries/states moving out before all the divorce paperwork has been signed could be taken as abandonment of your child if you leave the house. Check with a lawyer first.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 02:56 AM
1

Lots will put in effort if its reciprocated. The problem is it usually is not. If one wants out then how do you make them love you and stay, you can't? And these days it's so easy to think the grass is greener, why would you stay. You don't even have to step out of your house to get attention and validation from strangers online. For some it's easier to get and find new love than staying and fixing resentment/criticism/stonewalling, etc. or any personality disorder/attachment style/trauma.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 02:45 AM
1

You have to ask yourself if its worth your mental health remaining friends for now. Maybe in future when you have healed and also moved on it could be possible but for now you just have to communicate regarding parenting issues and handovers. I get its so much more difficult with kids involved because you still have to remain in contact but you don't have to do holidays and any thing else together anymore. At least for now.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 01:58 AM
1

So he notices his friends that have parents who live together, he should also notice the other 50% who has parents that are divorced. This is according to the divorce statistics of first marriages.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 01:52 AM
2

I agree, indifference should be the mental end goal
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 01:46 AM
1

This is what I have read so far: Attached The body keeps the score The let them theory Don't believe everything you think Next I'm going to read some books on shadow work. Good luck bro
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 01:34 AM
5

Once a cheater, always a cheater. You may be able to forgive but how can you get trust back? Without trust there is nothing. Sorry.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 01:30 AM
3

Looks like you have already done good work. It's ok to not feel ready for something serious. Being with men and around men is a great idea and in whatever way you can do that, pursue it. When it comes to the core of your issues, generally therapy is recommended of which there are many different kinds so try to find a therapist that can help you through this. The other thing I will suggest is reading. Get books on attachment styles, relationships and if you really want to get to the bottom of all…
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 12:27 AM
1

Sadly once we are not curious about our romantic partners anymore and the goodwill is gone, there is nothing left to stay married for. Don't be afraid, have courage and be brave to become the best dad you can be. To me actions are louder than words and this is what I hope your daughter will see, not what her mother says or does to or about you.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 12:08 AM
4

Doesn't matter who files first. If you are both done then all this is just the process of getting divorced. No reason not to keep it cordial, firm and friendly with boundaries but just keep going and look after yourself. She can get her own ducks in a row. It's not your fault she is behind on all the paperwork.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 11:39 PM
5

'You keep mourning the person who you thought she was' ? Maybe she was never this person you wanted her to be. Slowly the rose tinted glasses are being removed. It hurts but you can't control who she is or what she does. Best to put this behind you brother.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 11:33 PM
3

At first I thought you just have an anxious attachment. But I don't think so anymore after reading the rest. The mental gymnastics one has to go through with these cheating and lying 'partners' are unfathomable. I tell you this from experience. This is not a way to live your life brother, always on the lookout for signs. Cut your losses and break free from this. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 10:57 PM
1

Wow, yes mom of the year for sure. Try to get it in writing as soon as you can that you get full custody of your son before she changes her mind. Your son being neuro divergent, you will need to pay extra attention to him with moving to a new place. If he thrives on routine then this will be a big change for him. My advice is focus on assisting your son as best you can through all the coming changes. Focus on the basics of life at first: your son, clean house, establishing routine, clean food, m…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 10:48 PM
3

Same for me, I spoke my mind. Now getting divorced.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/26 01:20 AM
2

Exactly this
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/26 01:16 AM
3

Exactly they say they want EQ in a partner but hardly can display any themselves. They want to receive it but can't give it. The last thing a man should do is open up to a woman. They're just not interested in our problems and would rather believe they live in a Disney fairy tale.\ where its always a happy ending ... for them.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/26 01:15 AM
2

An avoidant people pleaser? So she pleases everyone else but is avoidant with you? As the breadwinner she should be fearing to lose more than you financially.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/26 01:09 AM
1

All this and she hasn't even reached perimenopause yet...
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/26 12:52 AM
3

You've got balls man!
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/26 12:41 AM
1

Start with focusing on yourself and your daughter. You can't control her or who she chose and it wasn't you. Try to focus on the basics of life for now. Basics like keeping a clean and tidy place + Cook healthy real food at home + Get your finances in order and focus on work during work hours as best you can + Physical check ins like exercise, gym, cycling or walks in nature, however you like to keep fit and moving + Mental check ins: journaling, reading, hobbies, volunteering, meditation, breat…
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/26 12:38 AM
5

It is horrible to cohabitate during divorce. It is probably going to be the most testing time of your life. Grey rock and BIFF are to protect yourself from the onslaught. You don't have to respond to everything or need to explain yourself. Take the power back and choose when and how to respond. Respond, don't react. When you find yourself arguing, disengage and go for a walk. You need to develop self awareness for this.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/26 11:35 PM
1

Yes the same as marriage which was a relentless ultra marathon.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/26 06:55 AM
18

If someone has not already said it then I will. Usually when it reaches couples therapy, its too late. Usually one of the two tries to just validate their reasons for divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/26 06:52 AM
5

Weeks? I tried for months which turned into a year and finally accepted it on the 2 year mark. What a waste of time that was. Wish I could go back and accept it the first time she asked for divorce. Not even a second chance given after 26 years of marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/26 06:41 AM
1

What exercises have you done? Do you know your attachment styles and do they clash (anxious vs avoident)? Communication is so critical so I hope some of the work that both of you are doing are around this.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/26 06:18 AM
1

That is life and seems like you have learnt some valuable lessons along the way.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/26 04:19 AM
2

Yes we learn lots about ourselves in relationships. There is growth if we reflect and do the work. Don't think of it as failures, rather as lessons learnt.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/26 03:56 AM
15

Sounds like normal divorce proceedings to me
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/26 03:39 AM
1

Could not have said it better myself
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 10:23 PM
4

Sadness is just one of the emotions that one will experience during the rollercoaster of grief of the end of a relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 10:20 PM
3

The little while lies eventually turns into them believing all their lies as the truth. Can't tell you how many times my stbxw lied straight to my face and when I show her black and white proof she would just tell my I'm going crazy and still believe her lies.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 04:25 AM
1

Tell him you are there for him as a friend if he wants to talk. Don't go for drinks but rather coffee and let him talk while you mostly listen and ask questions. He has to do the work himself.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 04:09 AM
3

File and get it over with. Don't wait. You are not going to save her and she is not going to change. She has to save herself. Read the book codependent no more. Sorry about the huge financial hit you are going to take with a stay at home mom.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 03:58 AM
1

I actually on purpose like to have no radio or background noise when I sit down to read. It helps me to focus more and take in the material better. Having people talk in the background or Alexa streaming radio or music playing distracts me too much, so I prefer the absolute dead silence. As I'm reading all I can hear are the words of the book in my own voice inside my head. Try it on a book you are really interested in and see how the time flies and the loneliness becomes solitude. I recommend i…
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 09:14 PM
10

AI is amazing at telling you what you want to hear.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 05:53 AM
2

Your last paragraphs describes what most of us here are going through or went through. You seem to have great awareness of you being unobserved and going for unhealthy self gratification. Why not change up the booze, food, carnal pleasures for healthy alternatives like cooking and learning to cook healthy wholesome food for yourself and your kids when they are with you. Add in exercise, start walking in nature. Get the basics of life perfect like keep a clean house and what I mentioned earlier. …
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 05:49 AM
4

Only date nurses? Dude, please stop cracking me up like that.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 05:29 AM
2

Google grey rock method. Google BIFF method of communication. Your flip side videos are just a red herring.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 05:22 AM
4

"not blow up my future financially or emotionally" you might find all that goes out the window as soon as her lawyer/family/friends/therapist starts telling her what she can get away with. Few would not go for the throat and get as much as they can. You being the main provider, ouch ... prepare for the worst brother.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 05:08 AM
1

You don't want anti depressants that numbs, but isn't that exactly what the alcohol is doing to you? Not saying you should take anti depressant pills instead of alcohol. Rather try and sit with the pain. Process it. Where do you feel it when you are not drunk? Do that for one night when you are alone. That can be a start. Try to get comfortable being uncomfortable and see where it takes you because from your post you look like you are looking for healthier escapes which is good but you are still…
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 04:34 AM
14

Meanwhile in the Divorce_Woman reddit threads: "The older my husband gets, the grumpier he gets..."
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 04:17 AM
3

That is unfortunately the truth of how it works for them. It's not what you did or have done, but like Janet Jackson said: "What have you done for me lately"?
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 04:14 AM
1

It's ok to want her back. I understand. We've all been there bro. Lots of us have tried at least in some manner to win them back just to find out it did not work and actually had to opposite affect. Unfortunately you can't reason, force, cry, plead or argue for someone to love and respect you. It's all based on chemicals in the brain. Someone else is giving her the dopamine hit and it probably won't ever be you. You joining her witchy woohoo stuff? Sorry to put it straight but I won't be surpris…
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 03:52 AM
7

If they don't do it on Facebook, they will do it with their girlfriends or family. Let them waste their time on you if they want, who cares what they think and bicker about.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 12:14 AM
1

Yes that is a common name for them, or stbxw or devious or whatever fits
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 11:31 PM
2

Good post bro. One should focus on healing first and foremost. Can't run from the pain, it will catch up.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 04:18 AM
1

What you are feeling is normal. Stay and sit with it. They're just feelings and they will come and go. You might feel lonely but I felt less lonely and more at peace after she moved out. Solitude. Keep structure in your life by doing the basics of life as best you can. You can do this. All the best.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 04:14 AM
1

Buckle up buddy, it's going to be a bumpy ride. Even if she didn't call you an ahole all it takes is one lawyer/friend/therapist/family member to totally derail an 'amicable' divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 04:05 AM
2

Sorry to be the one to say this, but you won't get 'through' to her. No amount of pleading, crying, therapy or fighting will change her mind. If its perimenopause or menopause you have lost even before you started. Unfortunately you don't own her and you also cant force someone to stay and love you. Best you start working towards accepting your new reality and try to heal and move forward.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 04:02 AM
7

Stop calling her your wife, she is anything but. Stay a mile away from anything sexual with her as you don't want to catch anything from the streets that could affect the rest of your life. Stop trusting her like she is an angel of some sort. Cheaters will lie and do the most horrible things before actually taking any accountability for their actions. Start the divorce so you can put this nightmare behind you.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 03:54 AM
5

Divorce difficulty are very situational and depends on different things like financial loss aka asset division, alimony, child support that you will need to pay. If you have kids or not, what your attachment style is and your personality type. The loss of agency and purpose is as real as feeling lost. I believe that if us men can focus on structure of the basics of life we will be ok in time. Focus on cooking and eating healthy, maintaining a clean and orderly living place. Exercising, clean up …
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 03:46 AM
3

Just smile and tell him he can have her and that they deserve each other and tell him good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 02:40 AM
2

By the time it gets to therapy its way too late. Save your money and your dignity. Stop pleading, begging and crying that will just drive her further away. Stop doing the pick me dance, show her the door if she wants to leave. Work towards accepting all this, the sooner the better so you can move on like she has.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 11:11 PM
2

This is the way, structure with focusing on the basics of life like cleaning, cooking, exercise, finance and mental tasks (journal/meditate/therapy)
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 11:04 PM
3

Not being able to source a hitman ... lol
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 10:44 PM
1

Loneliness and isolation seems to be common after divorce for us men that built a life around our spouse. There is another post just recently about distractions and should be other ideas as well with a reddit search.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 10:37 PM
6

Focus on the basics of life until you have capacity to do more: eat clean, drink clean, work out, finances, sleep and keep a clean house. Most of all show your child love, attention and support. The rest will fall in place with time.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 10:25 PM
1

I get it, it's normal if you've gone through an unwanted divorce. Might be totally worth it though if they have more to lose than you financially. Check all the red flags and don't rush into anything but if you like female company then nothing wrong with having a girlfriend and living separately.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/26 11:15 PM
2

Good luck brother, it's a long road ahead but there will be lots of growth for you here. Stay safe, sane and healthy and I wish you the best.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/26 06:16 AM
3

Doing this over and over again by definition will drive you insane if it hasn't already. I know 25 years is a long time, I am going through the same but mine never came back or said sorry. Its normal to feel this way as it seems from your description that you are anxiously attached. Going back and clinging to hope will keep you stuck where you are, so the choice is yours. It's normal to lose agency for men in divorce but paradoxically when you take charge of your life you will start to get over …
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/26 06:13 AM
6

Life is hard and us men are built to do hard things. Never give up, keep fighting. When those painful feelings come, just sit with them and see where in your body its hurting, turn inward and remind yourself that they are just feelings and that it won't last forever. Nobody is coming to save you and only you can overcome this. Do whatever you need to do in a healthy way and you will start seeing better days in time.
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/26 01:07 AM
2

When those painful feelings come, just sit with them and see where in your body its hurting, turn inward and remind yourself that they are just feelings and that it won't last forever.
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/26 12:09 AM
1

Talking to her won't help. She does not care about your problems. Not sleeping well is a stress response and is common. I have been there. Could not sleep for months whilst cohabitating. Only once she moved out could I get back to a somewhat normal sleep schedule. Sorry to say nothing helped my rumination and overthinking, it all kept me awake. I did exercise, journaling, nature walks, breathing exercises, you name it. I did not turn to sleeping medicine. One little thing that made a bit of a di…
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/26 11:41 AM
1

Make the days that you are with her count and make her feel special as it looks like you are already doing a great job. When you are not with her you can obviously phone and have video calls and eventually she will text you as she gets older. Count down the days until you see her again. You are going to have to work to keep the bond and connection strong.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/26 11:34 AM
4

It's more like you abandoned yourself. You can't afford to live on your own? I am sure you can find a way to live a simple minimalist life and be happy for it. You only have one life and as you mention God, why would you spend it in hell before your judgement day? Just because you said till death do us part? I can tell you that to lots of married christian woman, vows means nothing and their feelings and their happiness means everything.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/26 11:24 AM
2

Me thinks she does not love or respect you. Don't know what to tell you if you think that is how its suppose to be then notice me shaking my head in disbelieve. I mean STI? Really, why would you put yourself in this position and allow this. I think you need to do some work on yourself. Look into attachment theory. Feels like you are her doormat to be used and abused. Why don't you respect yourself and love yourself enough to stop this. Let her go spread her STI's with all the men that sleeps wit…
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/26 11:17 AM
7

Well sex is not unreasonable to ask for in a marriage. She does not realize that men need sex for connection not just for physical pleasure. I'm sorry my guy, to me that is a deal breaker. She can go live a life of celibacy on her own without you I think. Maybe ask her if she wants to be a nun.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/26 10:45 AM
2

I'd say you are still better off than the men here dealing with the stay at home moms. Good luck with everything bro!
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/26 10:30 AM
1

So if I tell you that nothing lasts forever and everything changes all the time, would that help? If you know that no one is going to save you, only you can do it then what do you need to do to change this around? Probably nothing I can say here will change anything for you if depression is the cause but only you can dig yourself out of a hole. What are you prepared to do to win this battle against depression? I'd say fight it as if your life depends on it because it does. Find your answer no ma…
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/26 10:27 AM
2

50/50 should be the default in all fairness and you should fight for it. The rest should just be seen as a business transaction gone back that you now have to recover from. Good luck my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 02:51 AM
6

You don't mention any kids. If that is true then you literally just got a get out of jail free card. Don't see it yet? Just wait and you will see how much of a favor she actually did you.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 02:48 AM
5

Yes the AI videos have all the right words but generally they only say what we want to hear. I did listen to your video and I prefer your content over any AI video. Keep up the good work.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 01:58 AM
2

If she wants out, let her. If she wants divorce, grant it. You can't force someone to stay or to love you. Work on accepting and limiting your financial loss, grief and to move on from this. Don't beg, plead, cry or fight to keep her as all of that will just make her resent you more and drive her away. Good luck my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 01:05 AM
1

You matter to your kids, your family and you should matter to yourself. I understand the need for companionship because that is a basic human need. I want to warn you though that thinking someone else aka a new relationship is going to fix your broken parts is a recipe for failure. Not to mention a terrible burden to put on someone else. Why exactly do you feel broken? Is it the lack of sex, is it the lack of company, is it just a feeling that comes and goes? It seems like you have lots of good …
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 12:55 AM
4

Grey divorce here. I know who I am so for me its more a huge financial hit than anything else. I'll probably now have to work until I'm in my 80's instead of retiring early. But hey at least I'm not in the trenches.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 12:33 AM
2

Do the phone answering machine response: Thank you for contacting me, I am not available at this time but please leave your message after the beep and I will get back to you in 6 months.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 12:25 AM
1

Isn't this part of all of everyday life decisions? I even do this when I think I want to go to the toilet.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 12:18 AM
1

Lol wash my hair. That's a good one since I'm bald ...
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 12:15 AM
3

No need to worry if your pictures are recent and show what you look like now. Enjoy and don't rush into anything serious too soon.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 11:14 PM
9

Fake tits ... lol. No thank you. Good point though to go check out chicks at yoga. At my age I just don't think I'd be able to keep all my body gasses in with all those compromising stances you have to do.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 10:55 PM
3

How about we rather discuss with them on how to minimize the impact should divorce happen because we all know that divorce statistics and numbers are not a deterrent in itself. What measures can be put in place should divorce happen? (these are some of my suggestions) Get to know the person for years before even considering marriage or living together because nothing shows the real person and their flaws like time. But people also change over time so then make sure they earn as much or more than…
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 10:48 PM
2

'They often need to be alone during this period' Thanks for putting a smile on my face today. That's a classic. Yes no contact from when perimenopause starts until after menopause ends. Lets make it 35-55. It should be written into the marriage contract. That should sort them out.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 10:35 PM
1

It is because that is when they get involved in the marriage, which is at the end of it. They're not needed when the marriage is going great so they have to deal with the logistics at the end.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 10:32 PM
2

My kids are older 14 and 21. I don't have to take them to playgrounds anymore. I understand I would have missed them more if they were little but 50/50 would still be better than being 100% in a toxic environment for me.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 09:11 PM
2

So you would rather your kids stay and live in a toxic environment? How is that going to help them unless you make it non toxic which means no fighting or whatever you are doing, so you will just be subservient?
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 04:52 AM
2

Welcome to the divorce survivor veterans club. Well done you deserve any good thing coming to you.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 04:45 AM
2

The very definition of courage gives you the answer. To have courage is to be afraid but to do it anyways.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 04:39 AM
5

Wish I could tell you that there are shortcuts. But there are none and no escaping. Cohabitation was the worst part for me. Much better now that we are not living together. Just grind it out as best you can. Protect yourself by staying calm and composed. Grey rock so you don't get kicked out or worse they can call the police on you and falsely accuse you of whatever they like just to get you out.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 04:32 AM
7

You are in the thick of it. It's ok to feel what you are feeling. It's ok to only have a couple of boxes. Now you can start to focus on picking up the pieces and moving forward. Become unstoppable. The grind is worth it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 04:25 AM
2

It might look like her in your dream but I think it's your own conscience trying to comfort you. You are saying to yourself you will be fine. You are busy healing.
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/26 10:37 PM
7

Rather than witnessing your own funeral, I'd say I've been given a second chance at life. I realize I never really needed her to be happy. Quite happy on my own and I love my 2 kids. Gratitude goes far for me.
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/26 10:35 PM
5

If only I had a dollar for everyman that said they should have left sooner rather than later
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/26 02:53 AM
2

This is exactly why couples therapy fails, both needs to want to go and wants to work towards change and a better relationship. Unfortunately its usually the partner being left behind that thinks couples counseling is going to make a difference. When couples counseling is suggested is mostly way too late for it.
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/26 02:17 AM
2

Same for me, 95% missionary for most of the 25 year marriage. Mine is not totally unattractive, but just not attractive to me anymore and for a long time. I was willing to just co exist but then she fell in love with a family friend of ours.
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/26 01:52 AM
3

Correct he is just being a decent human being and helping her out until she recovers.
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/26 01:48 AM
4

Lets talk about the sex that you don't want from her. Do you know why? Are you not attracted to her anymore? Strangely I also had a roommate relationship. I didn't find my ex attractive anymore for a long time. She also did not ask for sex from me. We are divorcing fyi.
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/26 01:43 AM
8

Life is hard, the point is not to ever give up and do the best with what you have. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, hour by hour, day by day and year by year until our last breath. The perfect life only exist in fairytales.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 10:18 PM
1

Sit the family down and tell them to stop giving unsolicited advice immediatly. This is your life not theirs. Make it clear it is a boundary for you and don't back down.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 10:02 PM
1

You own private monster... well said
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 09:59 PM
1

Learn about attachment theory. It is quite normal to have your guard up because of what happened in the past. This is how we learn. Best advice is to take your time and not get married soon. With time all will be exposed. Eventually you will have disagreements and you can see how she handles disagreements etc. This will also show you if she can work through things or if she just runs off with someone else. All this over time will build trust if done correctly. Just my 2 cents.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 05:22 AM
0

Setting boundaries is healthy in any relationship and you should not feel guilty for standing by it. Battling an addiction is something your ex will have to face and overcome herself.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 05:16 AM
1

It makes much more sense to work on everything together and only mentioning divorce when all else failed.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 04:52 AM
9

Sad that people are actually making a living as 'divorce coaches'.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 04:49 AM
1

No man you are overthinking it. Kiss her and if she kisses you back then continue. Pull her closer and if she does not resist then go to the next step and so forth. Don't rush anything and be respectful and pay attention to her reaction to anything. She will either confirm and reciprocate the action or she will stop and then you can discuss with a smile what's going on.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 04:35 AM
2

Because they are just kids and don't need to blame any of the two parents they need and love.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 04:06 AM
1

From his videos his ex wife has been asking to get back together for years. Not sure what changed and why he took her back now but I wish him the best.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 04:04 AM
1

I think you are barking up the wrong tree. John Gottman could predict divorce with 90% accuracy based on what he calls the The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 03:55 AM
3

Does not sound like you have kids. Be grateful you can make a fresh start and rebuild. What will you do in future to not get into this position again?
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 03:33 AM
1

Confidence and playfulness will get you far. I don't think woman will find the opposite attractive at all. As long as everything is consensual, then you will figure it out sooner than you think.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 03:23 AM
4

Month 4? I'm in month 27 and the betrayal still hurts. You come back from all this by letting go, putting it behind you and moving on and remember we men are built to do hard things.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 03:14 AM
6

Dead bedroom + mean + meh = welcome to the life of the average man after getting married. For some it happens soon after the wedding day, for others it takes longer but in the end = 50% divorce rate.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 03:09 AM
4

Well done on realizing that there is resentment. Gottman has four horsemen of the apocolypse to predict divorce with 90% accuracy. I am not affiliated at all but see if you can find any of the 4 predictors of divorce. A simple google search also will give you the 4 horsemen and their antidotes. All free on the internet. Good luck my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 03:04 AM
1

Before you file, try to reframe and to resolve this with good communication techniques. Go through the 4 Gottman horses of the apocalypse and their antidotes (free on the internet just google search it). Sit down with the above in mind and see if you can identify any defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling, etc. while trying to work through these logistical issues.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 02:57 AM
1

If there is no restraining order then nothing prevents you to go to your childrens events but like Spinach mentioned just be respectful of custody hours. Regular get togethers with your ex? I don't know but to each their own.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 02:50 AM
1

Not sure why you think only the beginning is most complicated. The whole process is difficult and full of pitfalls until everything is final. Sure there is impulsion in limerence but quite often it is callous and planned and detachment and infidelity happens before it all spills over. What helps is what is recommended for divorcing men in all these posts.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 02:44 AM
1

They will scoot in any case for any sort of reason. The paradox of choice creates disillusions of grandeur.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 02:29 AM
1

Dreams are part of REM sleep and is actually considered good for mental processing. The opposite would be insomnia. To be honest I would rather dream. Sorry she is gone, it's all part of letting go. Part of life as nothing lasts forever.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 02:14 AM
1

It hurts, there is no denying that. Best you can do is embrace the pain. Notice it, feel it, sit with it. Write it out on paper to help process it. Emotions come and go and should flatten out with time. Whatever you do, don't run from it. You will heal and become stronger for it.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 02:10 AM
6

Another example of where a dog saves a human life without them even realizing it. Good luck riding the grief rollercoaster.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 01:55 AM
1

Kudos to you for taking accountability and cutting things off with the outsider. If you have not done that there would be no chance of reconciling. Speaking as someone on receiving end of an emotional affair, it can do as much damage to a relationship as a physical affair if not more. The doubt it creates and the mental gymnastics questioning everything between them is so devastating.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 01:42 AM
1

People change over time, needs change over time. Some can evolve and grow, others stagnate. Seldom are 2 people in sync for a lifetime. From my own personal experience, till death do us part hardly holds true in modern society.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 01:25 AM
1

Talk to a lawyer in secret to see what things financially will possibly look like for you.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 12:25 AM
1

Divorced and being treated like an asshole and you helping where you can should not together. Set some boundaries and let her figure things out as the adult that she claims to be.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 12:18 AM
2

You're still trying to win her back even though she stays the night at her EX's place? Picture me shaking my head in disbelieve.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 12:13 AM
4

It seems to me like she is just another dependent that you need to take care of instead of a partner in life. Now ask yourself if you will be able to better take care of the kids with one less dependent (your wife). Even if you get 50/50 then at least your time with the kids could be devoted to them. If she neglect the kids then guess who they are going to choose to live with once they are old enough to decide.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 12:02 AM
1

You can support her by telling her that she can take out a mini loan from the bank or she can ask her new boyfriend for money or just say sorry you are not able to assist at this moment in time but all the best.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 11:55 PM
3

I find it interesting how people automatically take a persons side that are confiding in them without hearing the 'other' side of the story from the other party. People don't realize that you can be empathetic without adding fuel to the fire aka giving unsolicited advice.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 05:02 AM
2

The only way to and through an amicable divorce is when both of you are on the same page, feel the same way and agree on how to split the assets. Even then things can still go sour pretty quickly if third parties like friends, lawyers and family gives their unsolicited or solicited advice. For that very reason, people would rather cheat, lie, disrespect, ignore and do various benign things at the end of a relationship in order to end the relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 04:56 AM
1

With 13 years of marriage, lots of resentment would have built up. It sounds like she has contempt for you and contempt is one of Gottman's 4 horses of the apocalypses aka one of the 4 main proven reasons for divorce. Without both of you willing to work on its antidote, you might have to face some hard truths about a possible end of this relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 04:45 AM
2

Grey rock method all the way once they say they want a divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 04:28 AM
1

Brother you are not alone. Why keep on grinding? Because what is the alternative? Give up? Never. We men are made to grind, its what we do best. Grinding will make more sense once you find your new purpose. Do it for your kids if for nothing else. Things will get better in time. Gratitude goes far. At least you have parents to go to. As an immigrant I have no family here. Good luck my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 03:21 AM
4

I'm counting down the days with you brother. These will most certainly be some of your darkest days. Do your best to keep your composure and stay calm. Your ex is not the person you married. Once you are out you can focus on healing and rebuilding. Be glad you can see an end in sight. Good luck my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 03:12 AM
1

If I say "Honey I'm home" my dog comes running straight to me with her tail wagging. Glad to see me and spend time with me, everyday for the rest of her short life until death do us part.
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/26 02:58 AM
2

If he is newly divorced then he will still feel betrayed and hurt but that is no excuse to spend some quality time with you. Eventually he should go through the grief stages and you might get your dad back. Thank you for understanding and I agree talk to him about spending time and please not to mention your mom. He is just a human trying to make sense of it all and trying to do life like the rest of us. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 02:59 AM
4

It's ok to not see a way forward right now and don't be sorry. Feeling overwhelmed with feelings? Write it out in a journal to help process it. Here is a game of life for you: Feel like you need a drink? Go for a walk. Still feel like a drink? Make yourself some healthy food at home. Still? Exercise. How about every time your mind thinks about a drink, drop down for 20 pushups in the kitchen. You can continue this exercise on your own with any chores or budgeting or whatever needs to be done. Fo…
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 02:52 AM
1

Wow you actually got something from your ex? I dont want anything and would be careful to open any package addressed to me from her ... lol
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 02:13 AM
1

Sorry you are going through this. Best thing is to focus on the basics of life right now. Cook good clean healthy food yourself. Look after your hygiene and keep your place clean and tidy. Look after your finances and health as best you can. Start exercising and get out in nature to decompress. Journal to help process the feelings out on paper. Sleep and rest if you can and as much as you need. Take time out for yourself. Take it day by day, hour by hour. Time will heal.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 01:55 AM
4

Reframing is a great tool and your mindset is in your control. Well done OP.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 01:34 AM
3

You are in the thick of it now. Please focus on the basics of life for now. Cook healthy food and eat it. Clean and look after your hygiene and finances best you can. Journal to get the feelings out on paper to help process it all. Sleep and rest if you can. Get outside in nature and walk or exercise to get the tension out. You can do this, worst case if you cant do anything right now: Just exist, tomorrow is another day.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 01:33 AM
4

You will always be the villain and they crave the need to be a victim to justify their actions. Best you can do is to be grateful she is not your problem anymore and to become indifferent to anything to do with her apart from the parenting.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 01:24 AM
2

A great book to read: 'The body keeps the score' by Bessel van der Kolk. It's all about trauma. Great to see you are doing well, have boundaries and are more mature. Relationships are all about learning how to do better in a healthy way.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 01:16 AM
5

Grey rock and only communicate about the kids and the divorce in a civil manner.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 01:11 AM
23

If you have sons please have a talk with them about the dangers of getting married/divorced before they get married.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 01:10 AM
6

Not all men are like this. Have you considered that you chose the wrong man? If you had to choose a new partner in future, what would you do not to make the same mistake?
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 12:55 AM
1

Sorry you had to go through this but I don't think you are a failure. Your kids deserved to be loved and supported. That's it. It's ok to want to be alone if you choose to, but you need to find a way to move on. It's not healthy to stay stuck in the past and hoping for something unrealistic. What if she is done with you and don't love you and never want to be with you again in this lifetime? Do you think you will still sit and wait and hope? I won't but to each their own. Have you considered see…
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 12:52 AM
5

Get back in shape. Get on top of your finances. Journal. Read. Learn to cook healthy food. Do things you like to do. Show your boys how to live a good life and how you turned your life around. Be an example for them. You can't control what happens to them but you can control what you do and don't do. Stay away from alcohol and drugs. Good luck bro, you've got this.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 07:45 AM
4

You feeling hurt is valid. It means you cared. Be kind to yourself. It was a business deal gone bad. Cut your losses. Now you can look forward and put all that behind you because you are a good man and you will rebuild.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 07:34 AM
8

Let her go bro, no begging, pleading, crying or fighting. Get your life back in order for your kids and start looking after yourself and look out for yourself and your kids only. You are a man, you can do this.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 06:35 AM
1

Emotional is just as bad as physical if you ask me. Trust is broken and without trust there can be no healthy relationship. I hope you can let go in a healthy way without drugs or alcohol.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 06:30 AM
1

Expect to lose at least half of everything. Unless you have prenups but some Judges throws it out if you have been married for a long time.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 06:18 AM
1

Are you sure she is not ending it because there is someone else? Sorry bro
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/25 06:19 AM
2

Is there a way to run your business without affecting your combined finances? You mentioned you can't travel anymore. She probably have valid reasons to be worried if the business fails and it will put you in financial distress. If you feel and believe that you can succeed and the business gives you purpose then maybe give it a go after divorce then your ex wife can't complain that she will be affected? Your brother might be reacting but maybe its because he cares, if he didn't care he might not…
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/25 06:14 AM
3

Bro you have achieved Jedi status. Congrats!
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/25 05:37 AM
3

Not having a wife does not mean you have to be lonely. You have kids. You have lots of things that you don't realize. Focus on what you have and what you can do to be better every day and you will reap rewards. Reframe loneliness to get to solitude. It does not mean you will never be in a relationship again but don't expect someone to 'make' you happy if you are not happy with and by yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/25 05:33 AM
2

I like the challenge of dating a woman that I think is worthy. I like the flirting, the connection and the intimacy of being in a monogamous relationship. Paying for sex is personally not something I will ever do for various reasons but to each their own. Also I don't mind being on my own. I already have kids and don't need more. Love my loyal dogs that I know love me more than even themselves so I am happy either way. Try to find that place first if you can.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/25 05:27 AM
1

Advice on Reddit should be used like any other advice on the internet. Use what you think is useful and take what you need to get through this and ultimately to move on. Don't get stuck here and its good that you are aware that most of us here has been scorned and/or hurt in the most devastating way. Good luck bro!
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/25 05:07 AM
1

I think best thing to do is to sit with your brother and let him talk. Ask more questions than give advice. People rarely will take straight up advice but if they come up with their own solutions then they are much more likely to act. This is what person centered therapy is all about.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/25 05:02 AM
1

What if you just let it go and focus on yourself, your recovery and your own mental health?
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/25 03:38 AM
1

Why do you think its almost all your fault? Sorry bro that I have to be the one to tell you that is not even close to the truth. One of the greatest sources of suffering are the lies we tell ourselves. Perhaps with therapy you can get to place where you will be able to see that it takes 2 people to make a relationship work and it requires work all the time else it falls apart easily in todays modern world. I hope you can get to a healthy place to be indifferent to your ex.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/25 03:35 AM
2

To be honest, having kids are not for the faint of heart. There are different challenges when they are babies to when they are teens and not one kid is exactly the same. Some are easy babies, hard teens, some the other way around and some are hard teens and babies. They cost a lot of money to get to independence as well. But ... I also guarantee you lots of personal growth. It is strange how because my kids are part of me that I learned to love selflessly. My stbxw always defended the children w…
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/25 03:29 AM
6

Don't take the dating apps too serious. Just laugh off the ghosting and the 'Thanks but I don't feel a spark' messages. If you are healed and aren't bothered by rejection then you will do just fine. Dating has changed but just let them do most of the talking on first dates. Ask questions and don't be afraid to end things if you feel any disrespect. And don't rush into living together or marriage. Give a years, not months and make sure if you do that both of you have equal equity to loose. Good l…
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/25 03:18 AM
2

Correct no one gets married to get divorced. I see the cards being dealt as an end of a season in life and the chance to start a new maybe more meaningful chapter. Seasons greetings!
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 03:36 AM
3

It's definitely a rollercoaster getting through the grief. If I were you I would ask this friend not to share news of anything to do with your ex as its not doing your mental health any good. You should aim to be indifferent to her and anything she does but its a rocky road to get there.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 03:32 AM
2

Here is to many more bright spots and personal growth to you brother! May you become an unstoppable man of significance, especially to your kids and yourself. Cheers!
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 03:28 AM
7

Don't let her manipulation tactics get to you. You filed first for a reason. Stay strong brother!
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 03:25 AM
2

If she is open to it maybe consider therapy. She might have an avoident attachment style. If she really loves you and want to make it work she should be prepared to do the work. Communication is so important and if you can't communicate I see little hope. Be prepared to walk away if you think you are not a good match. Could also be bait and switch tactics.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 03:23 AM
3

My pleasure, so many of us have been where you are in some way. These hardships build character and resilience. Take care of your health because without it you can't work or be self reliant so focus on that first and the rest should fall in place with time. You can do this.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 04:53 AM
1

Your feelings are valid. You seem to be still under her spell. Take the time to work on acceptance and letting go in a healthy way. Also be happy being by yourself as happiness should come from within. Outside validation leads to disaster. Reframe loneliness to solitude and peace. Good luck my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 04:48 AM
2

Bro I will tell you its much better she is out, than her cohabitating and making your life a living hell.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 04:39 AM
6

Take it easy before committing. Given enough time all the crazy will eventually show. Don't take dating apps too seriously, just have responsible fun.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 04:17 AM
0

Does she want dinner? Wash her laundry? Are you her slave? What are you getting in this relationship? I don't want to put you down my guy but that sounds feminine to me and I am not surprised you are where you are. I am not saying men can't cook, clean or do laundry but if only you are doing it all then what is her contributions? I don't think woman finds that attractive at all. When I cohabitated, only in the end I started learning to cook, clean and do my own laundry as prep for my divorce. (n…
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 03:10 AM
8

My opinion is no one is the same person at 50 than they were at 20. Probably the older we get, the more we show who we truly are. With the divorce statistics what they are I would say most people grow apart. Relationships should be all about growth and learning and with marriage there is no place to hide each others faults or shortcomings or personality disorders or undiagnosed neurodivergence. Since we don't own someone for life, I now see the end of marriage as that season of my life is over a…
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 02:56 AM
1

Go get em tiger! Well done mate, love the positivity.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 02:33 AM
2

Hope for the best but plan for the worst. Get a different lawyer that has experience.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 02:27 AM
2

Thanks for the truth bomb OP. If they are not neurodivergent then I agree 100%
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 02:24 AM
3

You seem to have had a tough year. You might still be grieving and going through the ups and downs of the stages of it. Listen to your body, if its telling you to rest then rest. Focus on your future, healing and rebuilding. Best outcome will be to live your best life from now on. Loneliness is a mindset, work towards reframing to solitude and peace. All the best my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 02:21 AM
3

Still going through the final motions of divorce, but have been through the lowest point. Hang in there, it may not seem like it now but it will get better. Work on accepting what you can control and learn to let go of what you can't. Focus on you and the kids and getting through this in a healthy way without drugs, alcohol, other addictive pleasures like manhoeing for revenge of some sort.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 02:16 AM
2

Careful brother, gambling can be very addictive. Just take your win and don't go back. Seasons greetings!
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 12:44 AM
2

She is going to love losing half her retirement fund, half the house and paying you alimony for life. Enjoy it brother, you are the exception. Me and other men here have to face what she is going to lose and its not pretty at all.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 12:42 AM
1

They never take accountability. Sorry you had to go through all this bro. I hope only the very best for your future without her!
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 12:23 AM
3

When I found out about her feelings for this other man, it caught me off guard and from then on I questioned every time we were together with these so called house friends of ours. It completely made me distrust her and eventually that caused the divorce. In the end I just had to accept the relationship is done and had to let her go to keep my sanity. So I want to say to you that its normal to feel this and do some questioning about the past. Learn from it and let it go. All the best bro!
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/25 11:28 PM
2

Bro, I am worried for you and your thoughts. I think you need therapy asap.
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/25 07:08 PM
6

If your aim is to be indifferent to her (and it should be) then this won't help you in any way.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 05:06 AM
3

Wow, sex once a year. Yes men, it really pays to get married and stay married hey? OP, clearly this relationship is not working for you and looks like she is not doing anything to work on herself or your relationship. Start planning your exit and good luck with the rebuild.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 03:50 AM
7

If you don't have kids then perhaps he might be thinking that you don't need to hear about his 'baggage'. Rather maybe he just wants to focus on the two of you to see if you are compatible. My girlfriend has a kid the same age as mine and at the same school. We talk about our kids whenever we want to. I have to say that as a parent I do find it strange not to talk about my kids, parenting issues and other stuff openly. I also talk about my 4 dogs until the crows come home, but that's just me bei…
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 03:40 AM
1

Haha thanks for putting a smile on my face with that story. Yes some of the grilling feels like an interrogation then just to find something irrelevant to use to discard you with.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 03:29 AM
5

You can decline the invite politely and spend quality time with your kids alone and then later with your girlfriend?
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 03:19 AM
1

You are entitled to this opinion but I don't think this is the truth.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 03:13 AM
2

Continue to work with your lawyer. Be patient as she will have to comply with the ruling in the end. She is delusional thinking she is entitled to 100 of the marital assets.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 12:43 AM
3

Welcome to the life of the average married man before divorce and sorry you are here. While it is ok to want a life partner and someone to love as we are just human and those are human needs, just be aware that some of the work you are going to have to do is to find your happiness from within. Your happiness as the responsibility of someone else is a recipe for disaster. Good luck with possibly the hardest time of your life navigating divorce. In the toughest time, the most personal growth will …
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 12:05 AM
2

Sure you are allowed your opinion, I guess it doesn't mean anything that average woman gets hundreds to thousands of likes and instant matches on dating apps and average men on the apps hardly gets any likes.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 11:51 PM
1

Even now 2 years after separation, the divorce is not final yet. I'm over the sadness and now I am just left with anger because of all the money she is getting after I financially provided everything for 25 years. I go for 8km runs in nature with my dog and whilst running I converse out loud and tell my ex how much I hate her. When I get home I feel a better and more relaxed. I only started sleeping better when she moved out. Hang in there bro. It's ok to be angry just get rid of it in a healthy…
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 11:49 PM
8

What a great post bro. So proud of you. Keep up the good work.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 11:41 PM
17

Don't beg, plead, cry, fight or simp to try to get her back. As soon as she mentions she wants to leave, show her the door.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 11:38 PM
5

Don't worry about this. Please don't take dating apps too seriously. It will crush the average man's ego faster than diarrhea in peak city traffic. Just have fun and laugh off the ghosting and rejection. You don't need outside validation.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 11:21 PM
-2

"Why are they entitled to their approach at the expense of a man’s wants?" Because the dating market unfortunately heavily is in favour of females. A buyers market for them and for us a sellers market if you want an analogy. And this will be the case as long as there are simps and horny men around which currently and in the foreseeable future is the case.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 11:12 PM
1

Great post brother! For most men, it is really the most difficult thing that they had to face in their life. Well done on getting your fight back. Keep your cool and use it wisely as fuel to heal and rebuild.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 05:41 AM
11

They keep on saying they want partners with high EQ but falters when they have to show any.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 05:29 AM
6

Cheaters lie and turn nasty. Don't expect accountability. The good thing is that at least she has shown her true colors and you can get her out of your life. Imagine if this continued. The lying and cheating for years and years and then you find out. Would be even more devastating.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 05:26 AM
2

Looks like she might be in for a rough time then. Lucky that won't be your problem anymore
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 05:22 AM
2

Good on you for getting through it without hurting yourself or someone else that you could regret later. Now at least you can move on to bigger and better things without worrying about her adulterous behavior. You should not take all the blame. Lots of times when they've checked out, they're monkey branching and has the next sucker already lined up.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/25 05:02 AM
3

Did you swap the heading for the content of this post?
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/25 11:23 PM
5

During cohabitation whilst we were roommates, I focused on learning new things that I did not do before. For example washing my own clothes, cooking food, cleaning and other things around the house. She disrupted my nervous system so much that I could not sleep. It made me realize that I'd much rather live alone than being with someone that resents and despises you for everything you've done and haven't done. Now I love the solitude. It's a mindset. Only be in a relationship once you are happy w…
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/25 09:09 PM
3

Thumbs up for woodworking, you are creating something with your hands and you can't not focus whilst doing it because if you do, you most likely will loose a finger in a heartbeat.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/25 09:02 PM
1

Google it to find out more. The Grey Rock Method is a communication tactic where you act as boring and emotionally unresponsive as a grey rock to disengage from manipulative, narcissistic, or toxic people who thrive on drama and attention, essentially cutting off their "narcissistic supply" by giving bland, one-word answers, avoiding eye contact, and keeping interactions brief and neutral until they lose interest and move on. It's a self-preservation tool to avoid fueling negative behaviors in u…
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/25 02:26 AM
2

Cohabitation is a nightmare. You will be tested to the limits to validate to her that you are the villain. Use the grey rock method bro!
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/25 01:13 AM
1

At least you won't be blindsided. What is life going to look like after divorce financially and pragmatically?
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 08:29 PM
4

Have kids if you like but don't get screwed over by getting married again.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 01:27 AM
11

I asked my stbxw to go back to work against her will as our kids were teens. She resented me for it and kept all the money of her well paying job to herself. Monkey branched at work and now I am having to start over financially in my early 50s. What a joke marriage is.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 01:23 AM
1

Her love is only real until a seemingly better option comes along
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 01:10 AM
16

The problem with even average women monkey branching is that it's easy for them just get possibly exciting new sex with someone else than to stay and fix themselves and the issues in a marriage. And why would they stay and fix things if they can walk away with alimony, your house, your retirement saving and other financial rewards? Also there will always be simps or horny Chads waiting for these walking disasters ready to pounce. I disrespect both these men and these woman who so easily file for…
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 12:13 AM
4

Having my kid with me during school holidays. Exercise, new projects around the house. Going for walks with my dogs. Learning new skills. So much to be grateful for.
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/25 11:48 PM
1

As a dog person myself, if I were you I would want to look at the future to see when and how can I get a new dog. 16 years is a good life span for a dog and looks like you took good care of her so you know the commitment. Well done for taking accountability and showing remorse but also be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for your past mistakes and try to look forward to a brighter future. If you manage to get hold of your stbxw, apologize even if it does not bring her back. Not much more yo…
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/25 11:39 PM
3

Bro just letting you know those in shape females might look good on the outside and you might think you might be a better match but you might just be walking into a trap. Some of these good looking woman will eat you up and spit you out like you won't know if you are literally coming or going. Good luck with all of that!
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/25 04:21 AM
1

It will get easier with time of course. Shortcuts to cut down time: therapy, become the best version of yourself, being the best dad you can be, get your life in order, new friends, new hobbies, learn something new. Focus on you and the kids. Now is your time to flourish. Your aim should be indifference to anything related to her apart from the kids you have to raise.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/25 04:10 AM
3

Well done brother for taking accountability and doing something about it. I know you want her back so bad but let me tell you that letting her go in peace is probably for the best right now. You can sort out your issues and she might or not take you back in the future. I promise you begging, pleading, sacrificing yourself won't do anything so focus on letting go gracefully. It might be the hardest thing you ever have to do but you will have grown personally heaps from the experience of the hards…
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/25 04:04 AM
3

Sorry this happened to you as well. Grey divorce is happening at an alarming rate like its a new fashion sweeping the world.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/25 03:55 AM
1

After giving so much of yourself to her, don't you think now is the time to give back to yourself? You have the opportunity to find out who you really are, what makes you happy and to be happy just being you. If you can manage to be happy by yourself then you won't ever find your happiness need to be come from anyone or anything outside of yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 11:04 PM
3

I'm glad you know yourself that well that you know you are not compatible. I am wondering have you thought about this next person with the personality that you like? How will you know and make sure you don't make the same mistakes during limerence? Best thing is not to get tied down quickly. If you really like someone, don't get pressured into living with them or to get married. If you wait long enough (5 years) their true colors and personality will eventually show. Good luck out there!
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 05:20 AM
8

Why are you her butler and doing all these things for her? What is she doing for you apart from kissing you like a brother on the forehead? Would you do all of this for her if she's got her eyes on someone else? I hope not. Have it occurred to you she might be going to the gym and wondering about her butt to attract other males, not you? Sorry bro but you are going to have to face the truth sometime.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 05:00 AM
7

I waited too long and tried for too long to fix something that can't be repaired. I wish I could go back and reclaim the wasted time and effort but here we are.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 03:47 AM
13

I get it man, instead of replaced I felt more like my usefulness came to an end and she did not need me anymore like when the kids were young. It hurts but I can't stop her at almost fifty years of age to go 'find herself'. What a load of hogwash. Anyways life goes on. Onwards and upwards. I probably will never fully commit to a woman. I don't trust them as far as I see them but that's just me.
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 12:25 AM
5

Unfortunately it takes 2 to make a relationship work. If she does not love you back the same, then revaluate and move on. You can't force someone to love you. Good luck bro
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/25 02:35 AM
1

Open marriage? What a joke man. That is definitely not for me. I would just let her go and find someone that aligns with your values and outlook on life.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/25 02:29 AM
3

Try to separate the betrayal from you parenting duties. I know it's not easy and no fault divorce feels unfair but what is going to help you now is to focus on yourself and your kids. Work on acceptance, work on your fitness, learn new things, leave her behind and close the chapter. Letting go is not easy but reframe it as she chose to not spend the rest of her life with you and that is more a her issue than you. We don't own our wifes so if they want to leave, let them. Good luck bro.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/25 01:46 AM
1

Why are you doing everything around the house? Are you her slave? Keep your cool and grey rock her. You will remember cohabitation probably as the worst part of your life with her but keep your eye on the prize in March. Start focusing on yourself. Are you going to the gym, exercising, volunteering, therapy, etc.?
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/25 12:13 AM
1

I know the feeling bro. I get it. I used to ruminate about her asking me back and how I would say no thank you, and that I will never take her back after what she has done. Now I realize that it is just one more thing that I have to work on to accept, just like I had to suck up and accept all the other things that I did not want to happen, but it did.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/25 11:35 PM
4

Do your homework before you open the floodgates. Good luck with it all bro
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/25 03:41 AM
7

Oh no, not another grey divorce. Sorry you are here bro. I'm in the same boat so know you are not alone. It's amazing how easy it is for them to destroy our worlds and having to restart and rebuild at our age I feel is so hard. At a time we could start enjoying life, we are now facing financial ruin. I wish I got divorced earlier in my life so I could rebuild and not marry ever again. Best is to let them go, no begging, no pleading, no pick me dance. The sooner you accept this and start looking …
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/25 09:19 PM
1

For sure the biggest financial mistake I made in my life was getting married.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 06:34 AM
2

Great man, count down the days to the 20th. Good luck with it.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 06:34 AM
15

She finally got a rental through a friend and moved out after 18 months. Finally could start sleeping again and felt so much better not living with someone that actively despises you, talking to other guys on the phone behind closed doors, taking the kids away for xmas with her to be with her AP while he is with his wife (of course she does not know). All the while I was cooking, cleaning, doing school runs, working full time and paying for everything and doing the pick me dance. Worst time of m…
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 05:49 AM
16

Cohabitation so far was the hardest part for sure for me
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 05:05 AM
3

Cohabitation is a nightmare. Clarity will probably only come when you are on your own.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 02:57 AM
2

Don't know about yall but I'm waiting for my 304 AI girl to get manufactured. In the mean time I shall watch dirty things online whilst one hand does what it needs to do and the other hand slaps me in the face saying stop it.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/25 01:17 AM
2

Unfortunately it takes 2 dedicated people to want to make it work. And by work I mean actively doing things to try and save and continue the relationship in a healthy way forward. If any one of 2 does not reciprocate the effort then it more than often means the end of the relationship. Is there anything you can do to break the routine? Maybe try a weekend away and just try to enjoy it, but if she does not want to go or are just going to sit and complain about everything then I don't know what el…
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/25 09:12 AM
0

And how is that helping our OP? I wonder if you were attractive and were lusted for by woman how long would you have resisted? Us average looking men don't get that much chance to cheat, but yet you judge as if you were perfect and could withstand lust without having stepped a single day in this person's shoes.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/25 07:32 AM
2

Sorry this is happening to you. Myself and lots of others here facing the same difficulties as you so please know you are not alone bro. Once they check out, believe me there is almost nothing you can do. You can try like most of us just to find out that you have just wasted your time. Let her go and find your piece.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/25 07:26 AM
5

Not taking her part in this, but from her point of view she will be getting less child support and also expect it normal for her to not want to lose her eldest child. I would not like it if one of my kids does not want to stay with me but I would agree if its in their best interest. Not expecting your ex wife to see it that way though so expect push back. Good luck my guy.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/25 06:13 AM
1

I know you are in therapy and keep doing that until you can figure out why exactly you were cheating on your wife. Don't be too hard on yourself, we are all just human and make mistakes. Just read through the divorce_men forums to see how many men are being cheated on by their wifes. It's all very normal in our current society. Good luck bro and stay strong don't let these woman ruin your life. Cut them off and out of your life.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/25 05:43 AM
4

It sounds more like you are a parent to this female child than in a marriage. Sorry bro, set some boundaries and tell her to get her act together and start pulling her weight. If she does not change then exit the relationship as you are not her servant.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/25 05:38 AM
2

rofl that just made my day, thanks so much for the laugh.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/25 01:37 AM
11

And you may never understand or have the answers you are looking for. Best thing now is to start looking after yourself. They will make you the villain to validate their behavior so its more about them and not so much about you. Your integrity should see you through this. Hold you head high and start to detach with anything relating to them. You aim should be indifference to your ex and the AP so start thinking how you can get there and spend your rumination on that. Good luck my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/25 11:17 PM
2

It is tough without family and also when your whole life revolved around the family. What hobbies or sport do you like to do? Can you volunteer? More authentic connections including friends are to be made when you do something for others or when you love your hobby/sport. It's not easy but you have nothing to lose. Good luck bro!
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/25 10:36 PM
4

Cry if you need to cry, shout into a pillow if you feel it helps. Exercise if it helps you sleep. Take the time to sit with this grief. Only way is through it not around it. Don't turn to drugs or alcohol. It's going to be your toughest challenge but it will make you resilient beyond compare. Don't keep it in but take care in the anger phase of grief to not leave regrets. Good luck my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/25 10:30 PM
2

I'm early 50s getting divorced and have also found myself isolating more as I work from home most of the time. You are still young and have ample time to rebuild your life. I would say that don't worry too much at this time about becoming bitter and weird. Just get through your divorce as healthy as you can without drugs and alcohol. Make time for yourself doing the things you love, get your life in order and start thinking about dating when the dust settled. Seeing dating as a supplement to you…
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/25 08:40 PM
1

I hear you and I'm in the same boat. It usually also upsets me for a day or two or three but then after a month or so if a thought comes up about that person, I find I don't care about it anymore. So what you are experiencing is valid and normal. We all get flaky ones sometimes but believe me that they are actually doing us a favor by showing us we were just a standby.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/25 08:30 PM
4

Dating is hard for us average men. I think it's a mindset thing. Don't take Tinder too seriously or too personally. People on dating apps don't know you and unfortunately photos and a bio can only tell you so much. I'd say work on love for yourself first, be happy being by yourself. That way any relationship from here on can only supplement your life and if it ends, you have only lost some but not everything. In the end all you need is just one good connection so if it happens in real life or on…
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/25 09:04 AM
9

The older a woman gets, the more validation from anywhere will impact her. It's in their nature. Have you considered that the tears on tiktok are not for you but for more views and validation for her?
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/25 05:12 AM
1

I'd say its normal to change and become a different person over time. As we age we become who we were always meant to be. A relationship is doomed to fail when we are not curious about our partner anymore and when resentment has built up over time. Start asking questions and keep discussing and learning about each other even if in the end it means divorce. No reason to not be amicable. Good luck my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/25 12:19 AM
1

And what if you they are not really interested in holding the emotional connection? Even if you do all these valid things that should happen in a perfect relationship, it might all still end in a failed marriage for whatever reason. I'd say to work on yourself, love yourself first and then you can love another. Great insight and post thanks OP.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/25 12:15 AM
2

Start taking care of yourself mentally and physically. It's almost impossible to be everything to everybody. If you can't work through the intimacy issues with you wife then it's not a marriage. Fortunately you are currently aware of just being the financial provider to a roommate. Einstein said that doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result will make you insane.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/25 12:11 AM
2

Sorry bro, yes set some boundaries and always stay calm. No need to argue anymore. It's a long slow expensive road to being single and finding peace.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/25 12:03 AM
2

Very common to be blamed for everything once a relationship falls apart. In this kind of situation they want to be the victim. Being that long together, there should be lots of resentment but stay stoic, set some boundaries and if things don't change then start planning to go your own way. You can't force someone to love you or to be happy. It has to come from within.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/25 12:00 AM
4

It's almost impossible to heal completely whilst living the nightmare that is cohabitation. It should slowly start to get better once you go your separate ways with limited contact if possible.
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/25 11:55 PM
1

Keep pulling out mate!
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/25 09:30 PM
6

I see my stbxw as just someone that I used to know. I am courteous and friendly as we have a teen to co parent but other than that I don't want any contact with her. Mine never said she was sorry, just kept blaming me for everything and then monkey branched. Now after 25 plus years of marriage I can't really even stand to be around her. Wish you happiness and peace bro, you deserve it!
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/25 06:33 AM
1

Easily becomes contested if other lawyers tells her she can get more or even her family or friends can easily muddy the waters. If really uncontested then hope it all goes through smoothly.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/25 04:13 AM
3

It's much harder in rural areas or in small towns or medium sized towns as the dating pool is much smaller unfortunately. Easier in big cities unless you are prepared to travel but still your amount of matches will be limited if they want someone in the same town or close by.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/25 04:11 AM
6

Sorry bro. This is a hard time to find work indeed. Cohabitation is really hard I know for me it probably was the toughest part of the divorce. Dealing with infidelity is really painful. So much hurt and pain and rumination. Second divorce, will you get married again? Sounds like you don't have children with your stbxw so there is something to be grateful for. So now is the time to focus on yourself, your mental health, fitness and get your finances back in order. Good luck with it all!
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/25 11:05 PM
9

You are not alone brother. Lots of us going through grey divorce. I am with you here in the same boat. Lots of change and uncertainty. Sometimes I feel angry to be starting over at our age but that is life for you. Don't wallow in pity but forge ahead. It should get better in time. Hope thanksgiving can be a time for solitude and not loneliness. Its a mindset. All the best!
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/25 10:49 PM
18

Nobody teaches us to parent so I think you will be ok. Your task is to just love and support them and show them a father to be proud of.
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/25 10:46 PM
2

Good on you for working out. Rumination is common side effect of divorce. I hope too that it stays a simple standard divorce but keep in mind it might get contested which I hope it doesn't. After the divorce maybe you can get a new pet if allowed. Good luck bro!
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/25 10:43 PM
1

I am sorry OP. I know its hard brother but don't ever give up. Depression is hard to deal with. Glad you are still getting out and playing golf/gym/ski. I understand totally how you might feel that financially you are screwed. If she get married again will the alimony stop? I know these things takes time but 1.5 years feels long. Have you tried a different therapist?
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/25 10:36 PM
2

Do you have hobbies? When you go to dark thoughts can you try to redirect to think of something new to do? Maybe a new sport, maybe volunteering, gaming or whatever just not drugs or alcohol. If you can find something to do that can lead your life into new paths, meaning and purpose. Is it possible to get a dog? Maybe a rescue. If you get a puppy you are looking at 10 years of dedicated nurturing, joy and commitment. Try to find out why you think you are not meant to be alone. Explore that. Thin…
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/25 06:44 AM
7

Stand your ground. Be patient and you will reap the rewards.
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/25 02:47 AM
3

I am sorry you have to spend holidays alone. We have all been there in some manner. What are some healthy things you like to do when you don't have the kids? Suggestions: Go for a walk, a bit of gaming, volunteering, reading, learning to play an instrument, studying, binge watching something, journaling, running, gym, make a gratitude list. I hope you can find happiness/peace in solitude.
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/25 09:23 PM
2

Don't move out and don't touch her again. Always stay calm as it looks like silver bullet divorce tactics. You have to protect yourself and your kid with knowledge first so start googling how to get a lawyer if you are not the breadwinner and start googling silver bullet tactics. Good luck my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/25 08:55 PM
2

Let her go and leave and let her live in another country. You staying and being an amazing dad will be the best thing any dad can hope for as there are lots of men here that gets alienated from their kids. Divorce and let her go live somewhere else, until then good luck with cohabitation. It's definitely not for the faint of heart.
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/25 06:18 AM
10

Better be sure you want to try again because over 10 years I'm sure there will be some resentment. How did you handle conflict? Any of Gottman's The Four Horsemen present: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling? There is an art to handling conflict and navigating disagreement. Gottman could predict divorce with 90% accuracy so maybe have a look at that. And she has not even reached perimenopause.... Good luck my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/25 06:08 AM
1

Scared at 42? I am early 50s getting divorced and have to start over. I think I will need to work until I die to try to recoup the financial loss. At 42 you still have a decent chance to start over. Be careful who you choose to marry if you want to have kids and protect your assets if you can. Its not too late. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/25 05:04 AM
6

I disagree with your numbers, more than 50% of all marriages fail leaving at least one person devastated that did not want the divorce. Not sure how common it is that both decide they are equally happy to leave the marriage. Of the other 50% that remains married I would say half or more of that are staying unhappily for whatever reasons (kids/money/etc.). I have no official stats on these. That leaves you with maybe 20-30% of current happily married people but I think it might be a stretch. Even…
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/25 12:22 AM
4

I am sorry you are going through this. What you are feeling is valid grief and you should continue to work through this. Sit with the pain, dont try to escape it. The only way is through it not around it. Allow yourself to heal. I know it all hurts but it will all get better some day. Take it day by day, hour by hour even minute by minute. Emotions will come and go. Ride it out my guy. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/25 06:19 AM
14

When she says divorce, believe it. Listen to me, the only chance you have for getting her back is by letting her go. No amount of begging or pleading or money or threats will change her mind. Just say ok and let her go. No guarantees she will come back begging but without letting her go you dont stand a chance. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/25 05:08 AM
2

Well done for sorting it out so quickly. It's normal to feel pissed off and you might also experience other feelings whilst processing the grief. Just sit with it and feel it internally. Let it pass through you. Unfortunately there is no definite timeline as we all process and handle grief differently. All the best!
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/25 04:35 AM
1

Your ultimate aim should be indifference to anything related to her. Divorce her and get it over with. It does not matter who she is with, what or who she does. Aim to not care so she will be just someone that you used to know.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/25 02:55 AM
10

After a year of doing the pick me dance, doing all the inside and outside house chores, school pickups, paying for everything and cooking. I found out she has been texting various other men the whole time. That was the final nail in the coffin. From then onwards all I wanted is for her to get out and away from me.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 09:32 PM
2

That's brutal man, good on you for not taking her back!
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 09:19 PM
3

That's it my brother. You are the rock. Medal of honor recipients didn't risk their lives for thank yous or the chance of getting any medals. They did it out of sacrifice, brotherhood even if they were afraid, alone and could not see the light of day ever again. You should be proud!
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 06:35 AM
17

Now is the time to show your real character and stand tall, be there for your brother. Make sure you don't lose him. Be there for your father. Be there for yourself. Take it day by day, hour by hour and minute by minute at your hardest low but get through it. Be the hero of your own story. You can do this.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 05:50 AM
2

Well you got yourself into this mess and only you can get yourself out of it. The way I see it, either suck it up or find an unmarried woman. Why not just be friends with her and let her work through this by herself and then maybe you can reconnect after the divorce and dust have settled. One main issue is people need to spend some time alone to reflect and heal but no some just jump straight into the next relationship...
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/25 09:24 PM
3

You have some work to do on yourself. Try therapy for your childhood issue. If arguments stay unresolved it will lead to resentment, so work on your communication skills which you can take to your next relationship as well or use in this one. Gottman institute has lots of free resources on the 4 horseman of the marriage apocalypse including its antidotes. See if you can spot them when you argue and see if it can help you resolve or work through your issues. Its worth a try. In the end you can't …
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/25 09:19 PM
3

Don't just leave the house, stay and start planning your exit but during this time try to work and talk to her to see if she can make adjustments. Tell her if things don't change you will divorce her. Then if she is unwilling to compromise, you can then file for divorce knowing you did all you could. Maybe suggest couples therapy as well. In the end you will have to decide if you can live like this or if its too unhealthy. All the best!
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/25 09:13 PM
5

Well done for protecting your assets so well my guy, hats off to you. I am sorry she cheated but I will tell you its a blessing in disguise that it happened now before you had children and wasted more time of your life with her. I am not sure how you have been processing the cheating but it seems you have been trying to work through this grief by yourself and perhaps you should consider therapy. Feeling anger and sadness is normal for grief but to strike someone in the face tells me there is mor…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/25 09:47 AM
2

You are in the thick of it. Hang in there bro it will get better. You are currently going through arguably the hardest heartbreak a person can experience. Be kind to yourself and look towards the future. Hope you can find healthy ways to navigate this stressful time of your life. One day you will look back and see how much you have grown from this. All the best my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/25 01:37 AM
1

Theoretically you should be absolved of guilt by virtue of you trying everything to make it work and her not putting in the effort. Ending a long relationship is never easy to navigate and grief is a normal response. There are lots of ways to deal with grief and you are welcome to research that but know that it all will get better with time as memories and hearts fade away.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/25 01:31 AM
3

By choosing love and the euphoria of being in love we also have to accept the inverse. Lots of people get hooked on limerence, it's like a drug and when it ends they move onto the next just to get that chemical back in your blood. Very few realizes that the very fact that we love means that we can get our hearts broken. Lots of us find out the hard way though that nothing lasts forever and letting go is an art.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/25 12:59 AM
1

I hear you bro. It can be confusing. Maybe we overcomplicate it all and forgetting that we should just live in the moment meaning we should just be. Sometimes that is enough. If that means we are being the best father we can be for the next decade then at least we can pin it, we can work with it and around it. All whilst trying to figure it all out we sometimes forget we mean the world to some people (kids/animals/parents) that are right in front of us. It has been proven that serving others lea…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/25 12:38 AM
5

Unfortunately you cannot force someone to love you or choose you, even with your best efforts. It seems that she is having an emotional affair at the very least. If she is not willing to work on these issues with you then you might need to let her go. Please do not plead or beg. Be stoic, keep your dignity and be thankful that you can make a clean break as kids are not involved. All the best my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/25 12:29 AM
3

Before you met your wife, what was your purpose and what gave meaning to your life? You might be in a different phase of your life after gaining more life experience and also having gone through one of the hardest things a person can go through aka divorce. It might be time to re-evaluate and find your purpose and meaning. This might be a lifelong quest and changes as we age. You could turn to philosophy as various philosophers attempted to answer this questions and various answers came from the…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/25 12:02 AM
1

Finance/spending differences are very common. It seems you have lots of issues that you need to try to work through with her. Ultimately in any relationship we have to realize that we are 2 different people. Different upbringings and ways of communication, different styles of attachment, spending, saving and personalities. For things to work both have to love the other person unconditionally, flaws and all. I'm not saying be in a unhealthy or toxic relationship without boundaries, but understand…
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/25 11:41 PM
3

Why settle down in one place? Why not go mobile and travel all over the country until you find a place you like so much you want to call it home?
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/25 11:08 PM
4

Like anything else on the internet, take it all with a pinch of salt. Google might have tweaked their search algorithms.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/25 11:05 PM
1

If you are getting divorced your aim should be to be indifferent to where she is, what she does and who she is with. You should only care for your time with your son.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/25 04:42 AM
2

Sorry you are going through this. Feels like I wrote this post. Married for over 25 years. Our divorce is almost completed. Good luck with it all.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/25 04:02 AM
4

You do realize the average woman have a much easier time on the dating apps than the average man?
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/25 02:24 AM
5

Unfortunately you can't force someone to love you. I am sorry but the hardest part is letting go.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/25 12:11 AM
3

Maybe get a lawyer first and then later refinance the house as part of the settlement. Don't do anything or agree to anything that you might regret later. Keep your distance, dignity and remember the final goal towards her should be indifference. All the best my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 06:27 AM
5

I hope that you by now have learned that you can be in a relationship without getting married ever again. Don't even live with a woman, just go for a visit and keep your own place/space at all costs. At our age (50s) we don't have the pressure of producing and raising kids. We can now have relationships on our terms and if you get any disrespect or if you don't feel loved, just say ok goodbye and move on.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 05:53 AM
2

Does not sound like you were in a healthy relationship. Hope you can reflect, learn and heal. Great you don't have to pay child support. Count your blessings I guess. All the best!
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 05:47 AM
1

I agree but even without alimony/spousal support they still file for divorce like its in fashion. Usually they still get a good deal if they're not the main financial provider. Stay at home mothers can get up to 70% of all financial assets in a divorce. Right there is the best reason to marry someone with the same or better income as yourself and that has the same assets/debt at the beginning.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 05:42 AM
6

Alimony is just a fancy word for the state/goverment making the breadwinner pay so they don't have to. If the government had to start paying for failed marriages you would easily see how they make it exponentially harder to get divorced.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 05:38 AM
1

Even if the two of you were compatible on all areas and agreed on everything, if you got married, you still have only at best a 50% chance that she won't wreck your life one day by divorcing you.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 05:20 AM
5

I think 50/50 should be default in all divorces unless there is clear evidence of neglect or other harmful behavior from either parent. Good luck getting primary custody against the mother of your children, unless you have clear evidence as stated above that can be proven in court. Even if it can be proven in court it won't mean you will necessarily get primary custody. So do you want to get this divorce over and done with or waste more time and money?
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 03:12 AM
10

I'm glad you got out when you did. As they say, the grass is not always greener on the other side.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 03:06 AM
4

"Things go fine for a few weeks, then slowly go back to how they were". Einstein said it best: 'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.' And now for your words of encouragement: "Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth." – Pema Chödrön
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/25 11:25 PM
5

Sorry this happened to you. Trust is fundamental for a healthy relationship. I understand your sacrifice reasoning but if you can't trust her then what is the point. For me, I have even forgiven my stbxw but I can't ever trust her again and hence its time to move on. She overstepped a boundary for marriage and whatever her excuse was/is to me adultery is a choice. Choices has consequences. I hope that is the lesson that she will learn out of this but many don't and just cheat again. So ask yours…
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/25 11:01 PM
3

Perhaps speak to divorced woman who filed like most do. If they're being truthful they will tell you their planning/lawyering and monkeybranching started years/months before they all of a sudden served you with divorce papers. Heck mine even discussed and made a pros and cons list together with my 2 teenage daughters behind my back, neglecting to tell them that she is actually in love with another man. So possibly great tips for this in r/Divorce_Women
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/25 09:39 PM
2

In life we can't always get what we want. We know life is not fair. Gratitude goes a long way to make the best of what you have. If you want to show your kids how you feel they should be treated/parented/loved then do it when you have them and let go of what their mother does or doesn't do. The aim is to be indifferent to what their mother does as long as she does not harm/neglect them.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/25 09:33 PM
2

Grief has its rollercoaster of emotions. Just sit with it and let it pass. I hope the solitude heals and brings you peace.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/25 09:28 PM
3

It's understandable after such a long time together. Have you explored your feelings with a therapist to help you understand all of this? Although couples should always be honest in relationships, I would first try to work out why this is not working for you and discuss that with the therapist and perhaps then with your partner in a tactful way to see if anything could be done to save the marriage. None of this is easy of course. Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/25 09:23 PM
1

Start working on not loosing your kids. Get a lawyer. Focus on the kids that needs their father and after the divorce the rest should fall into place. Only date when you are ready and when she is indifferent to you.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/25 08:22 AM
1

Of the 50% of marriages that ends up in the divorce, I'd reckon about more than 50% of people are in unhappy marriages. You might think you will stay and grit it through as most men would, but you might just be surprised by your wife filing in any case as they statistically do. Have you thought about what you would do then? More wasted time and money.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/25 08:18 AM
3

If you are just waiting for her to file then start to do your own exit planning. Talk to lawyers about how it will look financially for you afterwards. Where will you live? How will it affect your pension/401k? etc. None of it might look great but it might just be the priceless cost of peace and living life on your own terms.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/25 08:08 AM
4

One possible scenario for you to consider: Make contact and say you are sorry. Move back in and try to work things out but don't beg and stay stoic. If things don't work out, make sure you have done your prep before just filing. Start planning your exit.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/25 07:56 AM
8

As you have mentioned yourself, it's the lens that you are seeing it through and you can change/manage the lens. None of us had kids to only see them 50% of the time but that is the reality that we live in. What is in your control is the 50% time you do get with your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/25 07:51 AM
4

Teenage daughters can be difficult at that age. Best you can do is ask them questions to get conversations and so try getting a connection. Talk about what interest them. Try not to coach and let them know that you love them no matter what. Say it to them. Daily. It does not matter if they say it back, some of them are not mature enough at this age, to realize that we are also just human beings trying our best to figure out life as we live it, so be kind to yourself. Maybe also try the r/Divorce…
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/25 07:45 AM
1

If you've both been unfaithful then perhaps you could sit down, talk it out because your are good friends. Set some boundaries for your marriage that both of you consider as deal breakers and would end up in divorce if the boundary is overstepped. Have you been to marriage counselling? If you both are not monogamous then what's the point of being married.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/25 11:26 PM
1

You did your best. Nobody is perfect and in a marriage there is no hiding and all flaws and traits are exposed. Now since is all over, your next best step probably is to do some work on yourself. Reflect and find out what exactly went wrong such that you don't make the same mistakes. Letting go is the hardest part. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/25 11:11 PM
3

You can't control how she acts, you can only control how you act and react. Not being a simp and standing by your values makes you a man, and a good man if I can say so. You are seeing her for who she really is and once you accept that you can let go which is the hardest part. Keep working on yourself physically and mentally and with time you will see she did you a favour and gave you a second chance at life on your terms.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/25 11:01 PM
3

A lot of my obsessive rumination revolve around her asking me back and me flat out denying her and saying never in a million years. I am aware of me having the though but still cant stop it. I don't wish anything more cruel for her and I also know it will never happen. She will never ask me back. I so wish to be indifferent to her but here we are, hopefully getting better day by day.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 10:59 PM
4

Another redditor already suggested therapy so that might be a good start. You seem to be stonewalling which is one of Gottman's 4 horses of the apocalypses. Go to his website, there are lots of free resources which can maybe help you and your fiancé both navigating arguments in a more healthy way. Gottman has antidotes for each of the 4 horses. Arguments are normal in relationships because in effect you are 2 different people with different upbringings and values, etc. How you argue and reconnec…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 09:19 PM
5

Maybe try to unplug for a day/weekend from all electronics and see if that makes a difference. Good luck with processing your divorce. Make some time to sit with the pain and let it pass through you. Letting go is the hardest part. Wish you only the best.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 09:11 PM
2

"The very act of helping others navigate the worst period of their lives is itself therapeutic." So true and also it helps me not to feel so alone going through this.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 09:04 PM
2

I hear you my man. 15 years is a long time. I have been married for 26 years included separated the last 2. Final part of the divorce is now happening so I understand exactly how you feel. Let me tell you starting over in your 50s and having to pay more of half of what I own and what I worked for leaves a bad taste in my mouth and alot of resentment. And I tell you I have auDHD so the constant rumination, sleepless nights, anxiety has taken a personal toll on me. I don't have an answer for you, …
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 08:56 PM
1

It's normal to ruminate and process all the thoughts in the beginning and yes it can be debilitating. Healthy distractions can help to give yourself a break. Its important to be kind to yourself because this is going to be a long hard road. Here are some healthy distractions suggestions for you: Exercise/volunteering/study/reading/working/socializing/writing/journaling/gaming/travel. Like another redditor have said its also important to sit and spend time with your thoughts and feelings as they …
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 06:28 AM
3

I am sorry you are going through this. It's ok to feel lost for a while and there is unfortunately no time line for these things. Letting go is really an art. If you think you have depression, what have you done to deal with it? Therapy? Having a scarcity mindset thinking you will never have a family is not going to help you. If you can focus on yourself and find happiness from within, with time you might come to understand that you can't rely on someone or something outside of you to make you h…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 06:10 AM
4

I am sorry you are going through this. Don't ever give up and eat a bullet my friend, you are not alone and millions of fathers out here are struggling. I think you need to get into therapy as soon as you can. Unfortunately if your marriage is failing, sometimes letting go is the hardest but do live for your kids. You cant control if she will stay even if you try, but you can be there for your kids. Good luck my guy! Find support to get you through this please.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 05:49 AM
1

I think you gave your own answer. Just keep pushing. Do your best. Nobody is perfect. Eventually the divorce will go through and if you keep pushing for 50-50 you can build a relationship with your youngest. You can't control what she does and says but you can control how you show love and support for your kids when they are with you. If you are going through hell. keep walking my guy. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 05:44 AM
2

Unfortunately you need 2 people wanting to work through and wanting to make things work. That's why the best relationship you can have is with yourself at this current time.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 05:32 AM
5

Blaming the therapist for not fixing the relationship? You wish she ended the relationship 5 years earlier? My guy, take accountability for your mistakes, learn from it, let it go and move forward. Late thirties are not too late for anything. A scarcity mindset will only limit you so I think you need to do some more work. If you had kids it would only make your current situation much worse because kids dont fix broken marriages. Good luck with it all, you can do this.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 05:22 AM
3

It sounds like you are having a tough time at the moment. Its normal to feel very emotional at this time with all the change and the loss of relationship and not seeing your kids as much. I feel your pain and you are not alone. Remember you are a man, a father and you can do hard things. Things will get better with time. Make some time for yourself. Find your happiness from within and let her go. Letting go is the way and the hardest part of all of this. Good luck my guy, stay strong!
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 05:15 AM
6

Think about how you would have felt if he came and said the new guy is mean and bullies him. Your son is young and impressionable so take it with a grain of salt but I understand how you might feel about it. In time he will see that you love him unconditionally as any father does his children. Good luck and keep your head up for the good father you are.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 05:05 AM
2

Memories only fade with time. They might fade quicker if replaced by new ones. Find ways to find your happiness by yourself. Be proud, kind and love yourself first. Good luck with your move to Australia.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 04:27 AM
1

I am sorry you are going through this. It must be really hard to be away from your family that much. Whatever arrangement you get from your divorce, continue to be there for your son. I know you wont give up on him. He is still young and you will find kids will pull closer and sometimes further away going through childhood, teenagers and even young adults. Your job is to love them no matter what. Good luck my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 04:17 AM
3

It seems to me like an unhealthy relationship. Have you tried various forms of therapy and medical treatment for her condition? I would put off having kids until you have a working relationship. Having kids when your relationship is not solid wont make it solid, instead it would probably lead to divorce you have having to pay spousal and child support. Good luck and sorry to hear you are having issues.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 04:12 AM
4

Grief is a reality and letting go is the hardest part. Dont beg and keep your dignity. All love and happiness should come from within. Learn to love yourself first. Good luck my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 01:58 AM
1

I would recommend against it if you and your X don't get along
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 01:56 AM
3

3 years cohabitation? Wow man no wonder you are feeling great now. I can see how proud you are and you should be. Great post!
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/25 05:46 AM
2

My friend, if you ask me, this here is why most people cheat and leave. Its just so hard to face someone and tell them you dont love them anymore for whatever reason. By staying longer you make it harder for her to get through this, especially if she needs to heal, find someone else and have kids. Because all that takes time and her biological clock is ticking...
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/25 05:40 AM
1

What is one thing you can do today to make your life better? Tomorrow think of another and take charge of your life. Be there for your kids, they deserve to have their father in their lives as much as their mother. You worry about disrupting their lives? Not having their father in their lives will have a much worse impact if you ask me.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/25 05:30 AM
12

Tell her to not worry, you will put it in your will for the kids to get the house one day. Don't let her manipulate you. Grey rock her. Be proud and stand up for yourself if she initiated the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/25 05:24 AM
2

So happy that you were able to see that drinking and missing therapy was not the way forward. Great self awareness! Emotions will come and go and some days will be harder than others but it seems to me that you are on a great path going forward. Thanks for posting and good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/25 05:21 AM
2

I'm early 50s and also almost divorced. I get what you are saying about possibly sticking out like a sore thumb. Be proud of who you are. Happy and single. With divorce statistics what they are, people should actually be surprised that there aren't more single people going to this dinner... or maybe next year there will be. For 50% its not if, its when they will get divorced. Enjoy your single peaceful life my guy! You don't have to answer to anyone, only yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/25 05:14 AM
4

Don't forget perimenopause/menopause together with the effects of birth control. Is it an excuse? No. You don't need to explain anything to anyone. It's none of their business. Sorry this happened to you. I'm in the same boat so know you are not alone. Good luck my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/25 05:08 AM
4

Everyone has their own weight to bear. We all struggle through a life that's neither fair nor easy. How you show up and handle it is what probably matters in the end. Its scientifically proven that we can face and overcome extreme hardships as humans if its tied to a purpose. What's your purpose in life?
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/25 05:03 AM
1

Sorry this has happened to you. I hope you can accept that people change and that you can't control it. I hope you can get to see your kids and be in their lives and show them love and normality. They will remember you for being there for them and for showing them love and understanding through these difficult times. Be the rock. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/25 04:55 AM
7

Congrats, I hope she can get the help she needs and that she will want to become clean of her addiction for herself. You now can of course now be the best dad for your kids and focus on them with all you've got.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/25 04:50 AM
4

Great post, I am happy for you mate. Well done and keep it going.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/25 04:46 AM
1

I'm sorry you are going through this. Make sure you get child and spousal support. You deserve it. While she progressed her career you cared for the kids and the house. Any good lawyer should be able to get you a great deal if she is the breadwinner. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/25 04:37 AM
1

Start standing up for yourself. Take all the help you can get. You are a man, get through this. Take it hour by hour, day by day and one day you will reflect on how hardship has shaped you into a better man. I know its hard but the dark cloud will lift and the sun will eventually shine again. You can do this. Good luck my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/25 04:32 AM
2

You are not alone brother. Nobody gets married to get abandoned. Life happens and its not fair. Sit with the pain, embrace its up and downs. Its just emotions coming and going. Dont try to shy away from it by alcohol/drugs/etc as it cant be denied. I wish you the best!
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/25 04:28 AM
6

Getting married was the worst financial decision I have ever made. Don't delay the inevitable, just get divorced and start rebuilding. Kids are adaptable. Be the best father you can be.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/25 04:10 AM
2

If you are going through hell, keep on walking... Dont beg for her to come back. Be the best dad you can be. Stop focusing on her and focus on yourself and your daughter only. Let her go bro!
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/25 04:05 AM
2

It's all about confidence my guy. Don't take dating too seriously. If they ghost you or if they get the 'ick' or if you feel they dont like you for whatever reason, just laugh it off and send them on their way. At our age we dont need their validation and if they dont want to be with you, you should see it as a blessing in disguise. I'm early 50 and also loosing more than half of everything I own and wont ever financially recover so that why I wont take woman seriously anymore and definately won…
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/25 03:56 AM
5

You are not alone brother, I helped mine move out after 25 years marriage. We are still in the process of getting divorced. This is the hardest thing I have had to deal with in my life but since she left my mental health increase ten fold. Sorry this is happening to you but we are here for you all the way my guy! Stay strong and keep your dignity.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 11:15 PM
3

Yes it truly is a blessing in disguise
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 11:12 PM
4

This was exactly me as well. Helping her to move out because she disrupted my nervous system so much I could not sleep or function. Since she moved out I found peace and sleep returned.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 11:10 PM
10

I'm really sorry this happened to you. Tips: - It sounds like you are a great dad, so continue to be the best dad you can be when you see them. - You will have to find something to do to when you don't see them, anything you want to do that you enjoy: examples: study, sport/exercise/volunteering/reading/writing/journaling/socializing/working/investing/travel. Do what you enjoy. Eventually you will stabilize - Don't sit in a pity and feel sorry for yourself. It won't help one bit. - It is going t…
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 09:53 PM
1

What if she does not want you back? What if she does not love you anymore? What if she is loves another? Wanting her back and trying to win her back is the quickest way to loose her. Let her go and keep your dignity and she might come crawling back or she might not. Lots have tried to reconcile, few reconciled only to waste time and divorce later. Sorry I could not help you. Good luck with your quest and keep us posted!
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/25 05:20 AM
2

I would be more worried about losing the house you kept if divorce comes up again. I hope it doesn't for you.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 11:53 PM
1

Well done for getting through this and thanks for sharing. Glad you got 50/50 and be there for your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 11:51 PM
3

No attempt to work things out even after realizing how much she is going to loose financially? I'm sorry my guy, it's time to move on. Get your own lawyer and follow their advice. Good luck with it all!
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 10:56 PM
10

You don't have to prove anything to her or anyone else. If you are innocent then you don't even have to feel guilty. If she wants to leave you, let her and don't beg for her to come back. Keep your dignity. You cant control what she does, do what is in your control. I know its hard. I am sorry this happened to you. Stand up for yourself and good luck my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 10:45 PM
5

Of Gottman's 4 horses, resentment is the biggest cause leading to divorce. Most feel resentment during and or after divorce. It's probably not healthy to dwell on it. Accept you have made a mistake by not divorcing her 8 years ago and start to focus on rebuilding. Easy? No. Unalive yourself with 3 kids? I think you need therapy my guy. All the best!
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 10:40 PM
2

This is just about the life of every married man after a few months/years. And then we wonder about the abysmal divorce statistics while very few people are actually in marriage bliss until the end of their lives or until divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 10:33 PM
2

I am glad you are being pro active in planning your exit. Hope it all works out for you.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 10:23 PM
1

I do like your masculine take. I worry she might just start resenting you for it all and leave you in any case when she feels its financially viable. How do you protect yourself financially if she's had enough? Prenup?
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 10:21 PM
6

Sorry you are going through this. It is quit normal to feel grief and loss. In my opinion once they want space, then its usually too late and they have been planning their exit for a while. Sit with the pain, don't run with it and try to keep your dignity. If she wants to leave, don't beg or try to win her back as she will just disrespect and have more contempt for you. Instead start focusing on protecting yourself. Sit with the idea of divorce and how it's going to look for you. Don't deny what…
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 10:09 PM
3

Divorce has been the worst financial decision I've ever made. It gave me lots of debt, I'll repeat it: lots of debt. I've reflected on my part of the failed marriage and accepted that nothing lasts forever. Peace will come soon.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 09:45 PM
1

Gosh sorry my man, sounds like a nightmare and a new baby makes it even harder. Are there any meds or help that she is willing to take/do for the postpartum? I hope you can work it out.
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/25 06:21 AM
3

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are having a tough time. You are not alone. Life is not fair and we have to accept and deal with it and make the best that we can with what we have. Have you been to therapy to help you through this? What can you do to make you feel better today? What do you like to do? Can you start a new hobby? Be yourself and be happy and proud of who you are and the rest will fall into place. Like Churchill said, if you are going through hell, keep on …
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/25 06:12 AM
8

I am sorry this is happening to you. Cohabitation whilst divorcing is hell on earth. It's probably going to be the worst experience of your life so far. Start protecting yourself with your lawyer and get the divorce over as soon as you can whilst she is still in limerence you might get a more favorable settlement. Focus on the kids to be the best dad you can be and take all the help you can get. Expect some really dark times ahead but I promise if you can get through this you will be stronger, b…
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/25 04:28 AM
-17

Who hurt you?
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/25 02:26 AM
3

Could you see some of the common friends privately without getting your ex and the MIL involved? Since you will have to make new friends from scratch if you move away, you might as well try it where you live now. Nothing to loose and get some good practise at it. Its normal for men to rally around the family and some close friends so when divorce happen, it can be quite lonely and one can feel isolated. So ask yourself what are your options for making new friends? Hobbies/work/groups/travel/chur…
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/25 01:56 AM
3

Divorce brings out the worst in some people. Let the MIL do whatever she wants, you cant control that, you can only control your behavior and response to situations from here on forward. Good luck with it all my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/25 01:23 AM
2

Cohabitation during divorce/separation creates a specially crafted hell on earth. Expect to go through you lowest lows while cohabitating, once you are on your own, I can't tell you how euphoric it will be. So worth it for your mental health to get out if you legally can.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 11:05 PM
1

Her ultimatum is understandable as she is already past her best child bearing years and her biological clock is running out. Let her divorce you asap and put her money where her mouth is and see how quickly she speed runs a new guy that she "settles" for. If she compromises and settles with you anywhere else than where she is happy now, I bet you she will resent you for it even if you gave her children. Of the 4 horses of the apocalypse, resentment is one of the biggest causes for divorce. I'm s…
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 10:46 PM
7

I treat it the same as a death of a loved one. Does it help to talk about it with people you trust, yes. Does talking about it bring them back, no. Do whatever you feel is right for you to heal and move on in a healthy way.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 10:15 PM
3

You did your best with what was in front of you. Don't beat yourself up about it. Unfortunately whatever we did in the past usually does not count when current feelings override or when there is outside validation from a 3rd party. Glad you see that she did you a favor, now go live your best life. Most average men struggle on dating apps, don't take it too seriously as its not a measure of your worth.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 09:52 PM
2

You have a right to be a father and to see your children. Do whatever you can to be in and part of their lives and to be there for them. Leave whatever happened in the past behind and work on your future. I wish the best for you my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 09:47 PM
4

You have only been divorced a month or so. It is normal that you are still doing processing of your divorce. Focus rather on how instead of why. How can you feel better, what can I do today to better myself? Focusing on why gets you stuck in victim mode, for example why did it happen to me? Why did she not choose me? Answers you may never know and can lead you into a rabbit hole. Easier said than done but you can do it my guy, you are going through the worst of it now so hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 09:23 PM
6

I mean if it makes you feel better and if it works for you to think that there is a woman out there that will get the best out of you then go with that. I would caution you though that it should all come from within. Outside validation should be the result of you being happy, loving and kind to yourself and being the best version of yourself for yourself if that makes sense. All the best to you my guy, I dont mean to put you down just want to give you another perspective
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 09:18 PM
3

You are in limerence. Be happy with yourself and by yourself first and get the divorce finished.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 09:00 PM
5

The most common reasons for divorce include lack of commitment, infidelity, and constant conflict or arguing. Other frequent causes are financial issues, incompatibility, substance abuse, and domestic violence. Marriages often end due to a combination of these complex factors, not a single reason. Menopause and perimenopause also plays a factor. Usually husbands would want the family to stay together. I only regret trying so hard and so long to save my marriage. Moving on is a difficult process …
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 03:05 AM
5

Sit with the pain my guy, don't run away from it as it always catches up. It's the only way and with time it will become better. Hang in there!
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 02:57 AM
5

Breaking up a family is not an easy choice so I'm sure you will think this through thoroughly. If you ask me, for those of us that had no choice in divorce and it was forced on us by some means, it probably is always harder than for the person initiating it as they have a head start in planning their life without you. That is why some are caught off guard when their partner all of a sudden files. They had a head start on processing and planning. Have you tried couples counseling to try to work t…
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 01:41 AM
1

We all love our children probably more than anything else in this world and wants the best for them. Sorry that you have had to come to this conclusion and I'm sure you have thought it through. Do what is within your control is all I can say. All the best to you and your children my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 01:35 AM
3

If you do the work to have anything related to her to be irrelevant. Then perhaps with time and only with time, the memories of her will fade and you will make new hopefully happier ones without her. Do the work as the other suggested in the comments below. Good luck my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 12:06 AM
3

She is not worth fighting for. Fight for yourself and keep your dignity
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 12:03 AM
2

I was raised by my father and he never gave me relationship advice. Look at the statistics of divorce, you have a 50% chance of it succeeding. Yes I agree we should only get married once we know a person and that may take years but even then, people grow apart, menopause hits, infidelity ... too much to try to control and cant predict the future really unfortunately. For those reasons marriage is really a big gamble
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/25 11:52 PM
4

Sorry to say but calling and asking her to come back will make her loose even more respect and attraction for you. Have dignity and respect for yourself. Stay grounded and keep your values. Unfortunately it takes 2 to make a relationship work. If she does not want to work it out, let it go sooner rather than later. Good luck my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/25 11:43 PM
2

Once you stop thinking about your ex all the time and have processed and learnt/reflected from your marriage, then you will have space to allow a new connection to form. Marriage/relationships ultimately should be a learning experience as I see it. Never stop learning
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/25 11:28 PM
10

Wait, didn't you know men are disposable?
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/25 09:55 PM
1

I agree, call her out and bring the discussion back to the topic. You have to try to mediate. When someone changes the subject in an argument, it can be called a red herring, which is a logical fallacy involving a distraction from the main point, or deflection, which is a psychological defense mechanism to avoid a difficult topic. This behavior can be an attempt to control the conversation, a way to avoid uncomfortable emotions, or simply a sign they are tired of the discussion
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/25 09:53 PM
7

Only close friends of yours that have gone through unwanted divorces themselves will understand what you are going though. I'm sorry this is happening to you and I agree no one except ourselves can save us. Good luck my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/25 09:37 PM
1

Kids can easily get addicted to ipad/TV/gaming and its your responsibility as a parent to navigate this. Its much more common than you think as I also had struggles to get my kids off their screens and every time I would be overruled by my soon to be ex. Yes after 25 years married I would say parenting difference was one of the major issues that led to us currently going through divorce. Talk to a lawyer to start thinking how you can protect yourself in case this is unresolvable. All the best!
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/25 06:55 AM
1

Talk to a lawyer to get an idea of what your financial losses might be. At 38 you might be able to recover financially. Relationships are hard and you have to ask yourself if I leave this relationship will the same issues appear in the next? Go to couples counselling? Hope you can figure it out.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/25 06:47 AM
2

Start farting the same time you feel comfortable to start burping in front of her
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/25 06:43 AM
1

There is no shortcuts to healing and only with time will the memories and feelings fade if you let it. Don't get stuck in the past, start looking towards the future. Start doing things for yourself, things that make you happy. Your happiness should come from the inside and not be dependent any person or any form of outside validation. Get new hobbies, go to therapy, study, exercise, journal, spend time with friends and family. Focus on everything except your ex. In time, things will fall into pl…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/25 06:41 AM
3

Yes it does matter. You matter. What can you do to make your life better my guy? What about starting to workout, doing exercise, study, new hobbies. Find yourself by asking what do I want to do in my free time. Try new things? You already are a good dad. Stand proud, have self respect and dignity. Be kind to yourself and find your way. Dont date if you dont want to. Do the work on yourself first and then everything else should fall into place. You can do this!
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/25 06:34 AM
1

If she was really a victim and if she really loved you, why would she reject you like this after something like that happened but what do I know, it might be a trauma response. She needs therapy. If she rejects you then its best for you to start defending yourself, get legal representation and look after the kids and let her figure things out herself as you cant force her to stay or do anything. All the best!
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/25 06:29 AM
1

This does not seem like a healthy relationship. Don't beg her to come back. Keep your dignity. Suggest couples counselling to her to work through your issues, if she does not want to or want to talk and work through the issues like adults, then you will have to make some tough decisions about your future together. Stay calm and keep your dignity for yourself and your kids. Protect yourself at all times legally and prepare for dark times ahead before it will get better. All the best!
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/25 06:20 AM
1

You will have to do some work on yourself. Reflect on why things did not work out. Go to counselling so you can learn from your mistakes. Don't get into another serious relationship until you are healed and feel ready for it. It might take some time to trust again and its quite normal after a failed relationship to not feel you can ever trust again. What do you think you need to do better in future? Its always best to spend some time alone, become happy alone, work on your career alone, work on …
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/25 06:11 AM
10

The grief of an end to marriage is a rollercoaster. Hope you can ride it with dignity. All the best and hope everything works out for you my guy!
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/25 06:04 AM
3

My guy, I don't have advice for you as my wife left to find herself just when our eldest left the house. Empty nesting can affect an already strained relationship. Have you tried couples counselling? From your description there seems to be codependency issues. It is quite normal to put the kids first in our lives. Once they are not dependent on us anymore it should give you the chance to spend more time on things you like and do things you want to do. If you dont have those interests in common w…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/25 06:00 AM
3

My guy, I am sorry for the loss of your child and family. You seem to have gotten through some really dark times which made you stronger than you think. If you want to go back to school, then find a way. Google, talk to people and phone universities, go to open days. If that is really what you want to do then I am sure you will find a way. If you were dropped in the middle of a forest and dont know where to go because you are lost, what would you do? Start walking in a direction, just start goin…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/25 05:50 AM
1

My guy, what are things you can do after you've dropped off the kids? What are your interests? What did you like to do before you met her? Movement of any sort is great to help with depression. Try find yourself and do things that make you happy. Try new things/hobbies/courses/study to keep you busy and your mind occupied. Nobody is going to say its easy but in the end only you can save yourself. All the best, you've got this!
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/25 05:44 AM
10

My guy, you are worthy and don't let her actions make you think otherwise. Try to find a way to detach from her. She is not the person you married. Do things that make you happy and don't let her influence your worth and happiness. I know its hard after such a long time being married but you are getting a second chance here. I'm 51 and also getting divorced so I know how hard this is to start over. Keep your dignity, stay strong and find your own way by yourself. One day you'll be glad as what d…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/25 05:38 AM
13

When they say they want to grow, or need space or need to find themselves then be sure to know its over and she might be monkey branching in the background. Dont beg, keep your dignity and start to focus on protecting yourself and also on what life is going to be without her. Radical acceptance might help. I know it takes a lot of processing and its going to take time. All the best brother, dark days are ahead but the storm will clear.
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/25 11:26 PM
1

Others have recommended the book No More Mr Nice Guy. I have not read it but it is a recommendation if you think reading will help. Well done on staying sober! I understand the use of porn because you were not getting sex. Its ok, you are just human just don't let it take over your life. Watching porn is common for monogamous men even though some might see it as cheating but how else are we to cope? Dont be too hard on yourself mate.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 05:36 AM
3

Sorry you are going through this my guy. I know its hard, really hard but you have to find a way to get through this darkest time. Only with time will you see that you can actually have a life without this person. Try not to use drugs/alcohol/porn and distractions, rather focus on eating healthy, getting in shape (gym/running/walking), journaling. Talk to a therapist if you can. Take it day by day, hour by hour. Its normal to have a rollercoaster of emotions while you are processing all of this.…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 02:26 AM
1

Sorry you are going through this. Search silver bullet divorce tactics here and on google. It might help you in defending yourself. Best of luck
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 01:16 AM
4

Thanks for sharing your story of success and I like your positivity and outlook on life. Enjoy the feeling and your new hopes and dreams. We only live once and have to make the best of it.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 01:14 AM
2

Sorry you are going through this bro. Search for silver bullet divorce in reddit and on google and do your homework to defend yourself as best you can. Wish you all the best!
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 01:09 AM
6

Sorry you are going through this bro. Many of us here have tried to win our ex wives back. I'd say few were successful once they've checked out. Don't be to hard on yourself. We are all human, we all make mistakes. It takes 2 to make a relationship work. Learn from this and grow and keep on working on yourself. If she does not accept a sincere apology from you then try to keep your dignity and accept your reality that this relationship might be over. Don't turn to drugs/alcohol/porn, rather focu…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 01:05 AM
1

Bring the popcorn and up the sound. We should watch this in 8K not 4K!
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/25 08:47 AM
2

We are disposable and nobody is coming to save us men. Welcome to our club. Sorry you had to join. Your ultimate goal should be indifference to anything related to her as she is not your wife anymore. Start calling her anything that suits her new personality. Dont focus on the why it will drive you mad. Focus how how you can get to feel indifferent to anything related to her without using drugs/alcohol/distractions. Sit and process your feelings dont ignore it and good luck. You can do it.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/25 08:39 AM
4

Sorry this is happening to you. Please keep your dignity and self respect and don't beg for her to come back. If you can move out and not loose anything legally it will probably shortcut your healing by a bit of time because cohabitating with your ex can leave you with a lot more trauma. This might be the hardest thing you will ever have had to over come but stay stoic and strong. Be a man, reflect and learn. Sit with your emotions, they will come and go like a rollercoaster but in time it will …
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/25 02:09 AM
10

Sorry bro that this is happening to you. Same for me after 25 years. Stay strong and keep your dignity, don't beg and let them go.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/25 12:55 AM
1

The thing is that once any of Gottman's four horses of the apocalypse is present and one person has checked out, its almost impossible to save and the best advice would be to accept and divorce as amicably as possible without getting your boundaries overstepped. I mean what does it matter if your friends say try and make it work which sounds like good advice when your partner is getting and following the exact opposite advice plus she resents you. Unfortunately in todays modern society the minds…
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/25 12:40 AM
1

Sorry you are going through this bro! Start preparing for divorce and its time to start thinking of her as your STBXW whilst trying to be as amicable as you can without overstepping your boundaries.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/25 12:34 AM
1

Sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately it takes 2 willing people to make a relationship work. Best to focus on your kids and yourself. If you look through these threads I dont see alot of posts where when the couple went to counselling it actually saved the relationship. By that time one person have already checked out. I know of couples that even when reconciled they ended up divorcing within a year or two after the reconciliation. Be strong, you can do it even if it might be the harde…
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/25 12:22 AM
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