I’m writing here because I really need some outside perspectives from people who may have been through something similar. I feel quite alone in all of this, and my emotions change a lot from day to day.

My partner and I are in the process of separating after many years together and having children. We still live under the same roof right now because the house needs to be sold, and practically it’s difficult to move immediately. So at the moment we are living in a strange in-between state where we are no longer a couple, but we also don’t have physical distance yet.

Part of the reason we ended up here is infidelity. Over the course of our relationship she has been unfaithful three times in total. One time it was kissing, and two times it was sex, as far as I know. Each time I discovered it we had the same conversations about trust, change, and trying to work through it, but it ended up repeating itself. At some point you have to realize that you can’t keep having your heart broken again and again.

The paradox is that I can still feel that I have feelings for her. I don’t think emotions simply switch off overnight, even when you make a decision. I have therefore made a very conscious choice that I cannot stay in the relationship anymore—not because I don’t want her, but because I can’t handle more of the same. It feels a bit like choosing to walk away from something you still love because the alternative hurts even more.

What makes it especially hard right now is that we still live together. I’m trying to navigate being in a house with someone I shared my whole life with, while at the same time feeling deeply hurt by her.

I’m also experiencing things now that are difficult to deal with. She has started messaging other men, using dating apps, and having sexual conversations online with others. I know that technically we are already on our way out of the relationship, but when you still live together and are still in the middle of all the emotions, it honestly hurts a lot to witness it. It feels like the wound keeps getting reopened.

I can feel that I struggle a lot with jealousy and anger. Not because I want to control her, but because it’s hard to just turn those feelings off when you’re still in the middle of it. At the same time, I don’t want to be the person who constantly comments on what she is doing or not doing. I would really just like to find a way to keep my dignity and my peace during this period.

There are also the practical parts of everything. We are trying to sell the house, and sometimes I feel like I’m the main person coordinating that whole project. I take time off work to meet with the real estate agent and try to get things organized, while she handles the situation in her own way. That probably also contributes to me feeling quite alone in the responsibility.

What I’m really looking for advice on is not whether we should separate—the decision about that has already been made. What I’m struggling with is how to mentally get through the period where you still live with someone who both hurt you deeply and who you still have feelings for.

How do you let go of the jealousy?

How do you avoid being consumed by anger and the urge to monitor what they do?

How do you find peace in your own mind when you’re still confronted with it every day?

I want to be a good father for my children and get through this without becoming bitter or broken inside. Right now it just feels like a very chaotic emotional roller coaster.

If anyone has been through something similar or has perspectives on how to get through a phase like this, I would truly appreciate hearing it.