TheRedArchive

~ archived since 2018 ~

Paddle_Pedal_Puddle Archive

View 2 posts and 478 comments by Paddle_Pedal_Puddle on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
Search in:
In subreddits:
More
Filter by year/month:
Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
65

Paddle_Pedal_Puddle/r/Divorce_Men05/03/25 10:50 PM
22

Paddle_Pedal_Puddle/r/Divorce_Men08/10/25 11:09 PM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
1

I’d just block her on everything with no response. I can’t even put into words how much I wish I could do this with my cheating ex, but we still share minor children. OP, don’t waste another thought on someone who so clearly doesn’t care about you.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 08:19 PM
3

Make sure you’re done with your divorce first. Do the work to figure out why you picked/enabled/tolerated/felt like you deserved a bad apple. Rebuild those broken parts of yourself. You can do that while you date, but realize you have blind spots. Make your life complete, satisfying and purposeful without a woman. Learn to take care of yourself. Flex those hobbies. Build a network/community. Invest in service opportunities. Don’t be the guy that jumps into a relationship just because he doesn’t …
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 07:06 PM
1

I do 1 week on, one week off with my two kids and your schedule sounds brutal. I do not have family in town, and my ex and I speak as little as possible so there is almost no collaboration. I also was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer not long after my divorce was finalized. It gets easier eventually, but here’s what has helped me survive. Spend your custody weeks prioritizing the must do items and time with your kids. Cleaning the house will fall short. Projects won’t happen. You won’t be the great…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 01:42 PM
8

I could have written this. I’m trying to pass this lesson on to my kids so they don’t make the same mistake in picking a partner. That said, don’t overly romanticize this woman or what you could have been together. Also, don’t write off finding another good woman completely. Do the work to heal so that you aren’t jaded toward all women for what your ex did. Also, there’s a difference between learning your lessons and beating yourself up over it.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 01:17 PM
4

As long as you’re not violating your MDA, I’d just take what you want and be done with it. Make her try to take you back to court over a few personal items if she really cares.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/26 08:51 PM
4

I wasn’t going to move out and give up time with and access to my kids and lose control of what happened to the home and everything in it. She wanted to move out and get her own place, but since I was the only one working and bringing in money I told her I wouldn’t agree to it. She was the one who wanted the divorce, but I was the one who had to do all the work to make the divorce actually happen. She wanted to move out so she could be with her affair partner whenever, but I wanted her stuck coh…
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/26 08:37 PM
1

Do you have any control of when/how you exercise options such that you minimize the variable income you make for 2-3 years? Yes, you’d be voluntarily giving up money, but it could pay off when calculating child/spousal support. Bonus points for getting your wife to start working during that time so that she has an income. Do you have a significant asset (home equity, savings, etc.) that you can give up or cash out to buy out any spousal support obligation? If you’re not prepared to spend the res…
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/26 08:28 PM
2

In my experience, if I’m not working individually on my issues and she’s not doing the same, marriage counseling doesn’t stand a chance.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/26 08:15 PM
-1

I sure hope you don’t have kids.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/26 08:13 PM
1

How old are your kids and how are they doing? Seeing the effects on my kids was the hardest part of divorce, and that impact often takes some time to manifest. I wasn’t super sad to divorce my cheating ex and not be tied to her financially anymore, and my new gf is fantastic, but I do hate how the divorce tore up my family and all the other ripple effects. Also, if it’s not too late, give some thought to a week on / week off custody plan. The transitions between households will be hard for your …
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/26 08:11 PM
3

My ex did something similar. She will try to spin this as if you and she were already over so that she doesn’t have to admit to what she’s done and who she is, but this didn’t happen overnight. The other relationship has been building to the point she caught feelings and is willing to throw away her marriage. Your wife is no longer the person you thought she was. You won’t recognize her most of the time now. And she is no longer your friend. You must protect yourself legally starting immediately…
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/26 04:57 PM
5

Married 17 years, together for over 20, with two tween kids. She cheated and said and did a lot of other things to make me question whether she ever really loved me or was just using me for most of our relationship. I wish I could look back on my marriage and appreciate the fond memories and be able to share those with my kids, but my ex made all of it feel like a complete lie. When I found out about her long-term affair during our divorce, I told her I wish I could never see her or talk to her …
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/26 11:03 AM
18

There will come a time in this divorce process that you will need/want leverage. Your lawyer can help you figure out when to put a petition to disestablish paternity on the table for maximum effect, signaling in advance that you already know what the results will be. BUT it will be a double-edged sword if she calls your bluff and you pursue the petition because there will be cascading consequences, including (1) having to inform your eldest earlier than you’d like, and (2) potentially losing par…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/26 06:22 PM
1

Brother, you are living life on hard mode. I could feel the tension and stress coming through in every word you wrote. Why are you trying to control everyone and everything around you? You sound miserable.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/26 07:07 PM
2

I don’t think it’s appropriate for the parents to involve the kids any more than necessary in the divorce logistics, but this wouldn’t even register on the Richter scale of crazy selfishness my ex has displayed. I’d just let it go. It’s still very fresh, so I get your anger, but hoping you find forgiveness and peace in the coming months. Don’t let her turn you into someone you’re not.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/26 03:58 PM
1

I’m sorry man. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. It cracks me up how these women think they’re unique butterflies, but they follow the same handful of sad scripts to avoid any sort of real accountability.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/26 12:26 PM
14

Lived this. And the icing on the cake for the man providing for the SAHM and still coming home and doing a significant portion of the cooking, cleaning and other housework is that he will get financially screwed in the divorce because the wife has no demonstrated income. My ex painted a sob story of how she put her life and career on hold for the kids and I held her back because I wanted to keep her dependent on me, and I needed to compensate her for it in the divorce. The reality is that I paid…
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/26 07:54 PM
5

I made a spreadsheet of all the shared utilities, insurance, services, family plans, and accounts and it had almost 50 lines. It was a royal PITA untangling all those things, but it was also something concrete I could do to move the separation along while still stuck living with her for 4 months.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/26 01:05 PM
6

OP should listen to his lawyer on when to cancel the card. I had to wait until formal separation of finances per our MDA.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/26 04:24 AM
1

I went through a separation six years ago with my ex and we decided to give it another go. There were a couple of seemingly good years in there, but we ended up divorced last year. Based on my experience, I would say reconciliation only works if both partners are 100% committed to owning and addressing their individual issues causing problems in the marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/26 07:28 PM
4

During my divorce last year, I got a lot of this, and it was frustrating, but I just interpreted it as people meaning well but not having the right words because they’ve never been through it. I was diagnosed with cancer a couple months ago, and it’s actually worse if you can believe it.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/26 06:12 PM
1

Great start. All the best to you during this trying time. You sound like a good dude and we’re rooting for you. You got this!
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 11:15 PM
1

You now can’t afford to live on your current salary working for your ex-FIL, so something needs to change regardless. Look, I loved my ex’s father and he always treated me well even through the divorce, and I still cut off communication with him. These are just the massively destructive ripple effects of divorce. I can’t imagine continuing to work in a company run by my ex’s family no matter what kind of people they might be. This is your opportunity to do what you should have done in the first …
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 11:09 PM
1

Wait, so your ex-FIL is your employer and knows that you have to pay significant lifetime alimony to his daughter and he’s significantly reducing your salary? If so, make this situation make sense to me. Yes, take her to court for a reduction in alimony based on your significant change in circumstances, but dude, you need to find a new job so that you’re not working for and at the mercy of the same people enabling your ex.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 06:58 PM
1

As someone who has been in your shoes, this. Every word of this. I would recommend getting professional help because you do not currently have the tool kit to start processing and working through it all.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 05:12 PM
1

Can you work freelance remotely? Instead of thinking about you can’t do, what can you do? Start small to get some income in the door while you figure it out.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 11:18 AM
3

Yep, it’s a complete scam. The current system incentivizes bad behavior, like cheating, and divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 08:55 PM
2

Did not go to trial. I could have rolled the dice, but I had an asset split I was okay with and the alimony amount/duration we settled on was well within the expected range. Maybe I could have reduced it some, but after discovery and trial costs, any savings would have come out a wash. It wasn’t fair, and I certainly didn’t/don’t like it, but I treated it as a business decision. Based on my experience, I won’t marry again without a pre-nup.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 08:49 PM
3

In my state, infidelity isn’t really a factor in alimony. It’s primarily based on her need and my ability to pay. She was a SAHM for years and I make a decent living, so I get to fund her new life with her affair partner for six years.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 06:37 PM
8

My ex had no financial plan or clue, but it didn’t really matter because won a ton of cash and prizes plus more than $5k tax free each month in alimony and CS for cheating. She works a BS online job but still gets to maintain basically the same lifestyle as before, just with her bum of an affair partner. They’ve been very careful not to do anything that would endanger her alimony. My recommendation would be to let her feel the full force of the consequences of her decision.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 08:34 PM
24

Some hard truths that will make moving on easier: Your wife’s thing with her co-worker started before she told you she wanted a divorce. Your wife doesn’t love you and isn’t your friend. You don’t lie to and backstab someone you love. Your wife is only thinking about herself. She wants to have her cake (keeping you close as a backup or to be there for her) and eat it too (have her independence to do what and who she wants). The sooner you wake up and accept those facts, the better you’ll be able…
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 03:41 PM
4

She was cheating, so she was pretty happy I initiated it. She got to pretend to her friends that I was the jerk divorcing her and she met her new boyfriend after the fact.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 01:17 PM
8

Your friend shouldn’t make any major life decisions like that while the marriage is so unsure. My ex-wife pressured me to get one, then mostly stopped having sex with me. I don’t regret it because I don’t want any more kids but your friend should preserve his options if divorce is on the table.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 01:09 PM
16

My ex and I had serious differences in intelligence, life experience, and curiosity and it was probably the biggest compatibility contributor to our divorce. I question and research everything. She bought, believed, chose what “felt” right to her. I overthink everything. She flew by the seat of her pants. Whenever I asked her questions about why, she never had any reasons other than her feelings or because a friend had told her so. I had traveled the world, and she had barely ever left her homet…
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 01:16 PM
14

3 year relationship with a married man before you? That should have told you everything you needed to know about her character.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/26 11:34 AM
5

Here are my suggestions: 1. Give the kids responsibilities and chores and have meaningful consequences if they don’t live up to them. They need this anyway, but a lot of moms tend to baby the kids. 2. Manage priorities based on your custody schedule. I put more into work on the weeks I don’t have the kids and also use those weeks to catch up on stuff around the house and errands. I block off time on my work calendar for kid pick-ups and drop-offs. 3. Take over responsibility of building a networ…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/26 09:34 PM
6

Yep. He moved right in and I’m funding their lifestyle with alimony and child support. Divorce sucks, but it’s not all bad. I’ve got a new house I like better than my old one, my relationship with my kids is great, I’ve got great friends and life, and I’m dating the affair partner’s ex-wife and she’s an amazing woman.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/26 12:27 AM
10

I took our family on what should have been a dream vacation to New Zealand, and she was checked out the entire time. On one of the last days of the trip, she complained and moped the entire day while we experienced some of the most incredible scenery I’ve ever scene. Then we went to a nice dinner and she attempted to pick a fight with me in front of our kids. That night I sat on the beach by myself and had the distinct thought that my marriage was over. Less than 2 months later, we both had lawy…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 07:55 PM
2

I would say that most guys who are blindsided by their wives asking for divorce shouldn’t be, but they are focused on providing and either miss or subconsciously ignore the signs. My marriage became increasingly transactional, logistics-focused, and lacking in romance or connection. I see a lot of my guy friends gradually slide into that same status quo and accept it, and some of them have been blindsided by their wives asking for divorces, but even I as an outsider could see it coming. I didn’t…
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/26 09:06 PM
2

No, it’s not easy (I’m in my 40s), but it doesn’t make it any less important. It doesn’t happen as organically as in your college or young professional years, but it’s still doable. I’m active in church, I coach my kids sports teams, I go to a gym that does group fitness classes, I go out of my way to engage with my neighbors, and I meet people through my hobbies and also work. I’m a very introverted guy (would love to just stay at home every single night), but I’ve learned the importance of hav…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 09:06 PM
3

It’s okay to be friends with your ex and to hang out from time to time, BUT… Don’t let it get confusing for your kids by giving them false hope of some sort of reconciliation. If hanging with your ex is a social crutch and prevents you from building your own social circle, especially a network of good guy friends, then I would make some distance for a while to move that process along. I think some space is necessary to heal, especially in the beginning. When I broke up with women in my past or t…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/26 08:54 PM
2

If you are both putting in the work and both willing to put your family first, then I would say yes, go for it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 04:36 PM
3

Came to the comments to share this. As a single dad with a stressful job, two kids, and now cancer, it can be overwhelming. I’ve gotten okay with asking for and accepting help. Not only does it make life a little bit easier, letting people invest their time and energy into you helps to build connection.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 02:43 PM
10

That’s a lot of stuff she “forced” you to do. You’re giving her way too much power. She doesn’t care about you, and it’s time for you to take ownership of your own wellbeing, starting with contact only relating to kids or divorce logistics.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 09:17 PM
1

Yep, my ex subbed me out and plug and played her broke-a$$ affair partner while I fund their lifestyle. And somehow I’m still the jerk, so I have as little to do with her as possible sharing custody of two kids.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 04:15 PM
3

I cover 100% of my kids’ cell phone costs under my plan and I don’t ask my ex for reimbursement. I wouldn’t ask her for a dime if my life depended on it, and because I pay it I have full control. That said, if she was paying for it and asked me for reimbursement, I’d pay it because I benefit from my kids having cell phones. There have been other times though where my ex asks for reimbursement for my 75% of a child-related cost and I simply tell her that I don’t agree with the expense and won’t b…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 06:28 PM
12

She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Keep you on the line for emotional validation and help with masculine tasks, but while sleeping around and without any accountability or obligation to you. Ghost her.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 01:52 PM
3

I made the decision to try to rebuild, but my ex ended up cheating again 5 years later. I would have been far better off moving on after the first time. My kids were about the same age as yours back then, which was a big part of why I stayed, but it wasn’t any better for them in the long run. I think for it to work, two things have to be true: Is your wife completely remorseful for what she did and prepared to do anything to try to regain your trust and rebuild the relationship? There can be no …
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 02:16 PM
5

Either you’re sending her mixed messages or this woman doesn’t respect your feelings and boundaries. Decide what you can or can’t handle right now, communicate it clearly to her, and if she can’t respect that, block her.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 02:10 PM
1

You’ve told us what your friends think, but how do you feel about seeing other women? From your post, it doesn’t sound like you’re ready yet. Personally, I’d take some time to rebuild, figure yourself out and where you want to go with your life, and focus on your kids and being a badass dad.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/26 09:04 PM
4

She betrayed you long before she banged that dude in his apartment. Good job dropping her like a bad habit.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/26 08:55 PM
2

Damn, sorry man. I took her back after cheating the first time. Five years later she did it again.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/26 06:17 PM
4

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and work on myself a lot earlier. And if I fixed those things, I never would have gotten with my ex in the first place.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 03:01 PM
4

The day I found out about her affair.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 12:39 AM
1

Agreed. Speaking from personal experience, divorce will still be awful, but approaching it from a stable, adjusted, and healthier place will pay huge dividends. OP, I was in a similar boat, and about 2 weeks after I had the conversation with my ex that you’re going to have with your wife today, I found out she had been in an affair. Don’t be surprised if that’s the case for you too.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 12:37 PM
1

Yeah, I got to give my cheating ex half of everything and then had the privilege of paying her a boatload of alimony for 7 years while she shacks up with her affair partner.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 08:14 PM
3

My ex was not the most physically attractive woman I’ve dated. I married her because I thought she was a woman of character. And I was wrong. 10 out of 10 people would say that the woman I’m dating now is more beautiful inside and out than my ex.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 10:28 AM
7

My ex and I both contributed to the issues in our marriage. But instead of communicating and trying to work it out, she cheated. That was a deal breaker for me.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 08:28 PM
3

One upside of the divorce is that I bought a new house that I like MUCH better than my old one. It’s got 10’ ceilings and tons of windows so it feels bright and uplifting being here. I’m decently handy so I’ve been steadily doing projects on it to make it mine, and my sisters and gf have been helping me decorate it to my tastes. One of my favorite parts though was helping my son and daughter furnish and decorate their rooms exactly how they wanted. Seeing them feel at home here has meant the wor…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 06:42 PM
3

If she left, clearly she’s not your Juliette, who literally was Romeo’s ride or die. You’re better off knowing that now than later.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/26 01:46 PM
3

I wasn’t saying avoid court at all costs. Personally, I’d drop the legal hammer on her as soon as you have standing to do so under the agreement. I’m saying that no one commenting here understands all the relevant details of your situation so I was throwing out SOME of the factors to weigh how best to proceed financially. The ex can be a pain in the butt to the sales process in a lot of ways that the court won’t punish her for. I’m dealing with a very similar situation right now. If you seek jud…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 06:41 PM
8

Hopefully your agreement provides for attorney fees in the event of a successful dispute. If not, you’ll probably throw away much of that equity in litigation costs pursuing a motion to compel. Even setting aside attorneys fees, it’ll likely be a nightmare to market a home with an uncooperative resident. If she hasn’t kept up with the maintenance, and it sounds like she hasn’t, it could be even worse. Get your own appraisal and don’t guess at it. If you just want the best financial outcome, thes…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 06:12 PM
3

Similar boat. She cheated (again), and I made the decision to divorce, but we had to live together while we went through that process. First, if you haven’t already, find yourself a separate place in the house to live and be away from her. Keep conversations with her about the kids and logistics of the separation. Stop tracking what she’s doing. Work the divorce along. Even if you’re the one that has to be doing all the work, don’t linger in this purgatory. Right now, your STBX has the best of b…
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/26 06:40 PM
5

I could have written this almost word for word. Just want to let you know I know how hard it is and how much what you do will go unappreciated, but stay strong. You’re making a difference.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/26 05:44 PM
16

I’d find them, document them, and then use them to my advantage. Disinformation can be useful.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/26 09:45 PM
5

I’m over a year post D-day and 6 months since the divorce was finalized, and I’m completely over my ex, but the quickest way for me to cycle back through sadness and then anger is to see my kids impacted by the divorce. When it hits, it hits hard.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 09:12 PM
1

Speaking as someone who was cheated on, reconciled and then had it happen again, be careful. You can acknowledge and work on your shortcomings, but they in no way justify her affair or mean she doesn’t have to do the heavy lifting to regain your trust. Do not help her to rugsweep this affair or it will just eat away at you.
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/26 07:56 PM
2

It’s just stuff. Divorce is an opportunity to downsize on a lot of things you don’t actually need. It’s very liberating. I took very little from the house I shared with my ex. I don’t need the reminders.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 09:52 PM
17

He did you a favor showing you he’s not your friend. Block him on everything.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 09:46 PM
3

Read my post again. I never said she’s the essence of evil; just presented facts. She cheated, lied about it even when I had video proof, stole from me, and violated the custody order. I never said I’m the hero either. I’m just not the bad guy she made me out to be before and after the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 06:39 PM
3

My ex was a SAHM while I worked, and I paid for weekly house cleaning service, I cooked dinner or took us out to eat at least 3-4 nights a week, handled nearly every bedtime for the kids, did my own laundry, helped with other cleaning, etc. I listened when she said she needed more help, but no matter what I did, it was never enough for her. Meanwhile, she was using her hours of free time every day to pamper herself or meet up with her affair partner. The kicker was that because she was a SAHM, s…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 05:19 PM
5

Get the divorce done, heal, and rebuild. Until you get to a stable place in your life, you’ll only attract women with drama and red flags. There are good women out there, but you need to be in the right place to attract them.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 04:02 PM
9

You’re using escorts to fill a hole in yourself that addictions and distractions can never fill. Just like alcohol, drugs, porn, food, shopping, screen time, adrenaline, etc. can’t ever satisfy you. For me, only figuring out who I am and God’s purpose for my life could fill that hole.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 03:44 PM
23

Who my ex really was - a selfish, lying, cheating, stealing woman I never should have dated, much less married. She turned out just like her mom. Who I really am - a guy with flaws I’m working to improve, but not the devil she made me out to be. Who my real friends are. Good friends are worth their weight in gold. If I can do it while holding down a stressful full-time job, the life of a SAHM these days isn’t nearly as hard as women will try to trick you into believing. Most women today don’t de…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 03:30 PM
21

That guy just took out your trash for you. Strike with the divorce while she’s still stuck in her affair fog.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 02:48 PM
3

Do I love my ex in the way the Bible tells us to love our enemies? Yep. Do I like her? Nope. Not even a little. I don’t wish ill on her, even after she cheated. I minimize contact as much as possible with two kids together and waste as little thought and energy on her as I can.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 12:26 AM
1

After my ex cheated, we reached an agreement on custody, child support, asset split, and alimony. Once we had a signed agreement, I filed the divorce petition with the agreement. Based on me being the one to file, she’s telling everyone I left her. Unfortunately for her, her affair got very public in a smallish town, so most people know what really happened. The good news for you is you don’t have to give a damn about what she thinks or says anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 12:11 AM
14

Try giving away 21 years and around $1 million to a cheater you trusted with your life. I know it sucks, but you’ll bounce back, just like I will.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/26 01:01 AM
2

I also was fortunate to have a solid support system around me when I was going through it. Knowing that’s not the case for a lot of men, I’m definitely paying it forward now.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 07:24 PM
6

Almost exactly a year ago, my ex and I called it quits because she didn’t want to work on the marriage and then I found out she was having an affair. It feels very surreal to look back and compare my life now to my life just a year ago. I was miserable back then. Now, I’m living on my own in my dream house. I’m dating an incredible woman. I love my kids, my job, my life.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 09:20 AM
1

I took my clothes, tools, bikes, and some of the kids’ furniture when I moved to my new house. Everything else I let her have, and I just bought new stuff for my house. I don’t need anything reminding me of her or my former life, and it wasn’t worth fighting her over it. She learned real quick that she wasn’t going to be able to use stuff as leverage on me.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 09:06 AM
4

Yeah, I don’t even get mad about the child support even though we al know that money isn’t going to the kids. It’s the obscene amount of alimony I’m having to pay for 7 years to a woman who wasn’t supportive of me or my career and left once it made financial sense for her to do so. It’s not like she’s coming over and helping cook or clean.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 05:22 PM
1

Get your grocery shopping or other errands and meal prep done on the weekends. Cleaning the kitchen gets done after the kids are in bed. You may also need to change your workout times - that will suck at first, but you’ll adjust.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 02:12 PM
17

Yeah, I get it. She didn’t want me, but she sure is happy to take my money while I finance her new relationship. Child support will increase if your income goes up. Just the way it is. But she can’t just voluntarily decrease her employment and expect you to fund that difference. The income she was making as a manager can be imputed to her by the courts.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 02:08 PM
12

She has moved on and she’s going to do her best to paint this as your fault (both so she doesn’t look like the bad guy for breaking up he family and so she can get more out of you in the divorce). Your kids need a healthy and stable dad at least as much as a mom. If you financially sacrifice yourself to put their mom in the best position, they won’t have that. It’s time to stand up for yourself because absolutely no one else will in this situation.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 01:58 PM
1

Her attorney gave me a list of my stuff with absurd values attached to it. I responded back that if that was their valuation, she could have it all and pay me that amount. Once I showed her I was willing to walk away from it all, she lost that leverage. I sold or walked away from some things that were very dear to me. But in comparison to the loss of my marriage and family? It’s just stuff and it can be replaced.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 08:33 PM
5

I did all my grieving in the first few weeks after she told me she was done last February and then finding out she was cheating. Since then I’ve been working to build a new life for me and my kids. Bought a new house and been decorating and fixing it up. Taken some trips with someone new.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 07:21 PM
4

Definitely right to be skeptical, but I’d give her an honest chance at change and actively participate in that rebuilding process.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 12:15 AM
4

My ex cheated and is still with her affair partner. She never acknowledged what she did, much less apologized, despite video proof and half the town knowing what she did. To add insult to injury, she’s been hell to co-parent with. I’ve mostly healed and seeing her/them doesn’t really affect me much. I don’t speak negatively about her to the kids. My ex lied and cheated and tried to turn me into the villain to make herself feel better when I called out her attempts to gaslight and set boundaries …
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/26 04:48 AM
2

I think 2-2-5-5 can work well with very young kids. My kids are about the same age as yours (10 and 12) and also have lots of sports and activities, and 7-7 works a lot better: Transitions can be hard on the kids. Fewer transitions makes their lives easier. It’s what my kids hate the most. I can’t imagine if they had to switch more often. It’s MUCH easier with the kids’ uniforms and sports equipment. It’s much easier keeping track of the schedule.
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/26 02:07 PM
6

This won’t be the last time you see how much her selfishness impacts the kids. It was much easier for me to forgive my ex’s cheating than how she hurt our kids. She won’t even see it, which makes it even harder. Focus on being the best dad possible and protecting them without throwing your ex under the bus (which will be tempting and easy to do).
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/26 09:03 PM
3

I don’t drink much, and don’t play video games except occasionally with my son. I have one week on and one week off custody of my kids. On off weeks, I work a little more, I help out more with different things at my church, coach my kids’ sports, hang out with friends, play music (piano/keyboard), go to concerts, do work on my house, catch up on cleaning and errands that I don’t have time for when the kids are with me, and I started dating someone a few months ago. I took the time to mourn the l…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/26 08:12 PM
12

One of two things happened. Either she slowly fell out of love with you without ever talking to you or giving you a chance to work on your relationship or, more likely, she’s met someone else who is the beneficiary of all her feelings. Either way, she’s rewriting the history of your relationship in her mind so that she is not the villain here. Most of us here know how hard this is, but DO NOT beg or plead for her to come back or work on things. It will just make her lose more respect for you. Lo…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 01:04 PM
1

Great add. Completely agree.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/26 07:48 AM
9

Teacher by trade, but she was a stay at home mom, even after the kids were in school. Idle hands do the devil’s work.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/26 07:46 AM
10

If a communication does not require a response, don’t respond. Period. If a response is required, keep it absolutely neutral, concise, and stick to the facts. No exceptions. You can’t afford to be weak right now, and she doesn’t deserve to see your emotions.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/26 04:55 AM
7

As a guy in a very similar looking boat, I really relate to this. I’m in a relationship with a very good woman, but still I am much more careful and observant. I tolerate much less. I actually think those are good things. I made a conscious decision early on to forgive my ex for her lies, infidelity, broken commitments, and disrespect. There are moments when that betrayal still weighs on me, but it’s not bitterness or anger or even sadness. Just a heaviness that there are people like that out th…
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/25 02:02 AM
5

Great post. When you say that you still feel the cost of the betrayal sometimes, what does that look like for you?
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/25 01:19 AM
1

It sounds like you have constantly caved to her in an effort to avoid conflict and understandably now feel like you’ve lost yourself. It will be hard to change that engrained pattern, but you can work with her in marriage counseling on setting boundaries for yourself in a firm but caring way. I wouldn’t give up on a marriage before trying everything I could to make it better.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 02:49 PM
5

Your approach is reasonable, and I do the same. If she’s right for you, she’ll support that.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 02:45 PM
3

How much have you told your wife about how you’re feeling? What have you and she done to work through those issues? From everything you describe (eg, fantasizing, talking to your therapist, allowing your wife to dominate the relationship, overlooking your wife’s trauma, etc), you have accepted a very passive role in the relationship, which is a recipe for a bad marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 02:39 PM
2

Men cheat, we’re a-holes. Women cheat, the man must have done something to deserve it. Women will almost always take the woman’s side. And their cuck husbands will usually follow along because they don’t have the balls to call their wives out on the double standard.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 02:17 PM
6

Fighting for a relationship means the two of you are working together to overcome an external circumstance that is creating a hardship on your relationship. Tolerating abuse, disrespect, or even an unhealthy partner isn’t fighting for a relationship. One-sided effort also isn’t fighting for a relationship. That’s just a lack of self-respect.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 02:13 PM
3

I prefer to meet women organically in person and don’t mind a cold approach at all. After what I’ve heard from friends, I won’t get on the apps because I’m not looking for casual sex. I recommend while you’re healing and putting your life back together that you rebuild a good friend group. Not only is that a good way to quickly expand your circle and dating opportunities, it’s important to have guys that you can count on and vent with and have fun with.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/25 06:10 PM
1

My ex is being exactly the same as she was before: failing to communicate most of the time, disrespectful when she does, not cooperating about the kids unless she needs something, and generally thinking only about herself. She cheated and lied and tried to scam me, but I’m still the villain. I make it very clear to my kids that their mom loves them and I encourage their relationship with her, even though I won’t lie when the kids ask me questions about what she’s doing. They’re still close with …
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/25 03:11 AM
6

Speaking as lawyer and a man who recently went through what you’re going through now: Most lawyers understand that the truth lies somewhere between what the two parties are saying, but some lawyers simply don’t care because (1) they’re desperate for the business and/or (2) they’ll do anything to win regardless of what it costs the parties involved. I also don’t think most divorce attorneys would last very long in that line of work without becoming somewhat desensitized.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 09:40 PM
11

You weren’t ready to get married. You have the complete wrong mindset. You can leave her, but I can almost guarantee you’ll have serious regrets when you grow up and figure yourself out and realize what you walked away from.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/25 06:11 PM
10

I’m still disgusted with her after her cheating, especially since she’s still seeing him. But the real anger is from how she continues to selfishly put herself before our kids and makes co-parenting impossible. I now communicate with her as little as possible and avoid her at all costs at our kids’ events.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/25 03:14 PM
3

When I was in your situation, I found it helpful to focus on the improvements I needed to make to become a better man and husband. Those don’t depend on her or what she’s doing or you communicating with her at all. Either she will see those changes you’re making and it will motivate her to make her own efforts or nothing will happen and you’ll have your answer. Whether you stay together or not, you’ll know you did everything you could and you’ll be a better man on the other side of it.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/25 02:09 PM
2

Instead of panicking, you need to pause and evaluate your options and figure things out. Especially if your soon to be ex is going to be difficult, you’re going to have to step out of your comfort zone and assume responsibilities you’re not used to doing. Talk to your employer about taking on a more flexible work schedule or work from home opportunities to adapt to your new parenting needs and custody schedule. Line up child care services or other after school care options and/or a new nanny or …
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/25 11:06 PM
3

Practice meeting people and making interesting conversations with everyone, not just attractive women.
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/25 02:13 AM
1

I told my kids (10 and 12) about their mom’s affair only after she started bringing him around in violation of the parenting plan (we’re supposed to wait 6 months). I didn’t and don’t try to throw her under the bus or try to alienate her from the kids. I reminded them that their mom loves them, but sometimes adults make bad decisions. The thing was, my daughter somehow knew before I even told her, so I’m glad I was honest about it with them.
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/25 05:28 PM
3

It’s funny that you mention that because the biggest thing I’ve learned in all of this is the importance of my masculine role in maintaining my frame and purpose and emotional stability and how that calm energy translates to the people around me, especially my woman and my kids. I did not understand this at all in my marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 08:05 PM
4

All good as long as you don’t get so attached that you start to overlook those flags. I did a lot of work on myself this year to figure out why I picked someone like my ex and what I need to do better this time around. Every woman has some things, but so far I’ve been impressed with this woman I’m seeing. Comes from a healthy family background, is emotionally stable, communicates well, and has an old school mindset about gender roles and relationships. Doesn’t hurt that she takes great care of h…
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 06:52 PM
2

Is she giving you any red flags or is it just that you’re still gun shy?
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 06:39 PM
4

Whether you’re married or not, it’s important to be confident in who you are. And you have to keep up the flirting and dating even after you get married. I’d figure out what it is about yourself that you don’t like or are insecure about and work on that before you start dating again. I’m an introvert also, but a long time ago I started forcing myself talk to people around me - men and women, old and young, etc. - in daily life. Just get comfortable interacting with people, no expectations or str…
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 05:24 PM
2

Listen to your lawyer and stop getting emotional about it. Don’t email her or contact her. Dump her stuff in boxes and garbage bags. Take pictures. Put it in the garage. Be done with it.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 04:13 PM
5

I’m 46 with two awesome kids (50/50 custody) and a dog. I had zero issues meeting women. They seemed to like the fact that I’m a great dad with a house and stable life. I’m happily dating a beautiful woman is very supportive of me and my kids.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 04:09 PM
11

I can relate in that I didn’t want anything casual and I agree that women who have any business being in a relationship are hard to find these days. I was separated in February and my divorce was final in early September. I did a lot of work on myself and counseling during that time. I wasn’t looking to date and I wouldn’t do online dating. My ex was cheating, and I ended up getting to know her affair partner’s wife. She called me to inform me of the affair and we worked together to get evidence…
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 03:33 PM
3

If I ever meet my ex’s affair partner boyfriend, the first words out of my mouth will be to offer him $75k if he marries my ex within the next 6 months.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 05:03 PM
12

I lost much of my savings and my ability to retire early. I lost my purpose as a husband. I lost my ability to see my kids 100% of the time. I had to deal with the fallout of my kids dealing with a broken home. My faith was strengthened and I gained peace. I gained strength and new purpose as a man. I gained a new home that I like better than my old one. I have built stronger relationships with my kids. I gained a woman who respects me and treats me like a king and a much healthier relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 07:27 PM
7

All but one of my closest friends are happily married, and I actually found it refreshing to hang with guys (and their families) in happy situations. Restored my faith in women and the institution of marriage. Also, I have kids and a busy life too, so it works better for me anyway. I’ve made some new single guy friends more recently, but there’s not much difference in how I hang with them.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/25 11:33 PM
5

I’ll let you in on a little secret you may already know because I felt the same way in your shoes. Life gets immeasurably better for you when you stop caring what she does and what happens to her, not when she gets run over by the karma bus. During the divorce, my ex claimed to be living her best life and the happiest she’d ever been. I remember the day I forgave her in my mind and just let it all go. That’s when I felt free. Now, she’s having to juggle a full time job (she was a SAHM), her rela…
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/25 10:29 PM
9

This was basically me. She cheated, we did collaborative divorce while we cohabitated, I held down the fort with the kids while she disappeared regularly to go hook up with her affair partner. Our 17th anniversary passed during the middle of it all, and it was just another day. It will get better, my friend. This time with your kids is precious, regardless of what she is going, and it will pay off. You will drop her dead weight and move on to better things and better people. My divorce was final…
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/25 09:58 PM
6

It’s as glorious as you’re imagining.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/25 09:05 PM
3

It blew my mind how my ex could aggressively deny her cheating even after being caught on video.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/25 09:03 PM
2

My man, she is not your gf. She’s the predator and you’re the prey. Run!
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/25 08:58 PM
7

I could have written this word for word. Time to move on.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/25 08:55 PM
3

I’ve always coached my kids’ sports teams even before the divorce and would agree with everything you said. I would add that some of my best conversations with them are in the car going to and from practices and games.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/25 08:52 PM
7

I don’t expect anything from my ex (I’ll celebrate separately with them), but I’ll have the kids call her on holidays or her birthday if they’re with me. I encourage them to make her a card, and if they want to buy her a present, I will help them do it. It’s not about your ex; it’s about what you’re showing and teaching your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 11:11 PM
9

Untreated perimenopause + unresolved issues from her past = misery Don’t even recognize her any more. Her AP has no clue what he’s signing up for.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 04:26 PM
1

I did collaborative divorce and wouldn’t do it again. It dragged it out longer and made it more expensive than just doing a single day of mediation to get to the same place.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 04:07 PM
6

It truly sucks now, but there will come a day when you realize she gave you a gift by showing you who she really is.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/25 04:03 PM
7

I picked the wrong person to marry based on negative patterns and thinking from childhood abuse. In retrospect, there were a billion red flags. I tolerated disrespect in lots of little ways that added up over time. I thought I was giving her grace, but she just took it as weakness. I sacrificed myself to the point I no longer existed in the relationship. One of the big ones was letting my friendships with my bros fall to the wayside. I failed to be an emotional and spiritual leader in my home.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 11:03 PM
2

Rooting for you, brother! Things will be better and you’ll be stronger and wiser on the other side of it.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 12:39 PM
2

I’ve got a good friend getting divorced in TX right now, and I’ve gotta say I’m a little jealous of how it’s working out for him financially.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 12:37 PM
2

That’s why I decided to share. It helped to know that there was hope even if I couldn’t see it for myself. And God will absolutely show himself to you in all of this.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 12:28 PM
3

It was hard to appreciate at the time, but I am grateful for the opportunity this whole mess gave me to grow and get stronger. We don’t get stronger in the easy times.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 12:14 PM
3

Makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about that. We moved from Texas to a much more alimony-friendly state not long ago, so I occasionally think about what could have been, but it could also be a lot worse.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 02:14 AM
1

Alimony could have been a lot worse considering she was a SAHM for the last 12 years, but still a serious kick to the nuts that I have to pay her anything after she cheated.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 01:30 AM
4

It’s pretty sad how the script is pretty much the same for these divorcing women. All the best to you on your rebuilding journey.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 01:18 AM
3

It was mostly a 50/50 split for the assets. I gave her extra from my investment accounts to protect my pension and stock options. Fortunately, she couldn’t touch my share of my family’s business and I had some pre-marital investments. The thing that really hurt though was losing my mortgage with a 2.6% interest rate. My new mortgage is a lot higher even though it’s a less expensive house. I’m paying her about one third of my take home salary in CS and alimony, but the alimony gradually falls off…
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/25 01:15 AM
6

She’s not living in reality, so hit her with a solid dose of the consequences of her choices. Give her what she wants. Trying to hang on is just pushing her away more and delaying your healing.
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/25 07:15 PM
8

Speaking from personal experience, you have three choices: Ignore women all together. Avoid doing the work to heal from the pain of betrayal and to learn what inside you led you to pick and stay with the wrong kind of woman. This choice can take you down a couple different paths. Turn into the jerk with a closed off heart who passes that hurt onto others or fall into familiar destructive patterns chasing love in the wrong way with the wrong women. Do the work that will make you content on your o…
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/25 09:55 PM
5

You’re speaking from a place of hurt. Don’t even think about engaging with women until you’ve healed.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/25 09:44 PM
4

The longer you cohabitate like this, the worse it will get. Move the divorce along quickly. Take care of yourself. Put as much space between her and you as you can and interact a little as possible. Ignore things like where she hangs her wet clothes. Don’t throw any energy in her direction. Pour your energy into your kids, taking care of yourself, and getting the divorce done.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/25 02:19 PM
3

It’s incredibly hard to hear something like that, and the divorce process will be difficult, but there is good on the other side of this.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/25 02:00 PM
13

This is good advice. 5 years ago my ex told me she was done with our marriage and didn’t want to work on it. I didn’t beg or plead but she saw that I wasn’t heartbroken. I told her I wasn’t going to quit on my family and if she wanted a divorce she was going to have to file. All of that just pushed her away more. After months of this dragging out with a physical separation, I finally told her I was done and ready to move on. Within a day, she had written me a 10 page letter telling me she wanted…
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/25 12:36 AM
4

My ex had an affair with and is still dating a local cop. They were banging while he was on the clock. Now he’s just banging her in the old house I’m still paying for, and ex introduced the kids to him 10 days after the divorce was final in violation of our agreement. You better believe I filed a complaint and gave his department the proof I had. Didn’t work out great for him. You definitely want that on the record to make him think twice about attempting to harass or intimidate you. I wasn’t go…
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/25 08:06 PM
2

Wish I could and I’ve tried to make it good for our kids, but she’s really pissed off at me for some reason even though she’s the one who cheated. So we basically don’t communicate at all anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/25 10:34 AM
3

For me, it wasn’t about the length of time since the divorce was actually final, it was about how long I’d been processing that loss. In my case, I went on a date the day after my divorce was signed. I was waiting for things to be officially final before I started anything new. It was 7 months since I had found out my ex had been cheating on me (again) and 5 years since the first time she cheated on me, which is when she actually broke my heart. I also had put in a ton of work on myself, includi…
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/25 10:29 AM
7

Bought a new house that is perfect for me, my kids and our dog. I like it much more than the house I shared with my ex. Got new furniture, helped my kids decorate their new rooms, and slowly turning it into a home. It’s a sanctuary I look forward to coming home to, instead of a place of chaos I dreaded.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/25 12:01 PM
3

If you are in a two-party consent state, it is illegal and you should inform her. If not, start recording everything she does. What’s good for the goose…
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/25 02:42 AM
3

This is mostly good stuff, but wasn’t going to help me. I wasn’t perfect but I put in the work to become a better partner physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. She refused to work on herself, go to counseling, and my efforts to connect. She decided to cheat instead. I took my marriage vows extremely seriously, but I have zero regrets at dropping that dead weight like a bad habit.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/25 02:39 AM
2

I was paying everything immediately also and was bending over backwards to be helpful in other ways also. But she perceives that as weakness and she’s only going to respond to strength. I’m not going to get down in the mud with her, which leaves me with the option of not responding to her. I’m not worried about her getting an attorney over any perceived lack of communication. I’ll just show the court how she was talking to me. It won’t look good for her. Our divorce has only been official for a …
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/25 02:23 AM
6

Yes, his now ex-wife. And she’s more attractive, more intelligent, more kind, and more loyal than my ex ever was. I got to watch how she carried herself through the worst time of her life, and it was impressive.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/25 01:54 AM
8

My ex cheated and she’s still pissed at me because I need to be the bad guy so she doesn’t have to be the villain. Despite her cheating and trying to take me to the cleaners in the divorce, I’ve tried to maintain the high road for the sake of our kids. I’ve reached out proactively to try to co-parent and build consistency and alignment, and she either ignores those attempts or responds with glib one liners. She only communicates if she needs money or help with something and failed to respond the…
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/25 01:52 AM
17

So many good moments with my kids. My favorites are coaching their sports teams and movie nights. So many good moments with friends. My favorites are grilling out and taking spur of the moment trips. Im getting plugged into my church and making a difference in others’ lives. I’m interviewing for a promotion at work next week. But maybe my favorite thing? My ex-wife’s affair partner was married to an incredible woman. We started seeing each other after our divorces were final. We’re not rushing a…
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/25 01:36 AM
6

I knew from Day 1 that my ex’s AP wasn’t half the man I am. I surround myself with the kind of men I aspire to be, and that’s my bar, not some insecure loser chasing validation while he goes nowhere in life. And don’t give a damn if my ex ever figures out that she made a huge mistake. Use this pain to level up, but don’t do it for revenge or vindication. Your ex’s opinion is now irrelevant. Do it so you can live a badass life of purpose for yourself. And if you’re just looking for a “hotter bitc…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/25 07:01 PM
9

Except for the fact that I’ve always been in very good shape, I’m in almost exactly the same boat and have the same feelings. I caution you however to think about your new gf as a unicorn. Appreciate her but don’t put her on a pedestal.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/25 06:33 PM
11

She’s shown absolutely no regret, and she won’t even admit she did anything wrong. She’s moved him into the house we shared and I’m still paying for it. That house gets sold in the summer, and that’s when her consequences will start hitting her.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/25 06:29 PM
1

Once I saw who she really was, there didn’t seem to be much reason to celebrate or remember anymore. Outside of therapy, I did a lot of thinking and journaling on my own that helped me work through stuff. Things like who she really was and why I didn’t see it earlier? What flawed emotional logic did I have that pushed me to pick her? Who am I and what do I want my life to look like? Whatever you do, don’t turn to alcohol or other substances to numb out. Feel those feelings. Accept them, but also…
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/25 05:14 PM
7

You already know the answer. Your current situation isn’t relationship material. You don’t need that drama.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/25 12:30 AM
1

Young kids can be really hard on a marriage, and it’s then that you figure out who you really married. Keep up those little things like working out and grilling. Make them habits. That’s an important part of rebuilding yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/25 02:53 PM
6

That’s a hell of a plot twist…
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/25 12:50 PM
4

Speaking from experience, this is the way.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/25 03:21 PM
3

I do week on / week off custody schedule. I use the weeks I don’t have my kids to do run errands, house projects, meal prep, catch up on work, and spend more time with friends. That way I can spend more time with my kids when I have them.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/25 01:01 PM
7

I got REAL clear about who I am, what my purpose is, and what my values are. I don’t compromise on any of that for anyone and it feels really good.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/25 12:58 PM
5

Either throw yourself all in on making your marriage better (you’ve currently got one foot out the door) or end it. Cheating only ends in regret. Either way, you clearly have a lot of work to do on yourself to be the man I imagine you want to be in a relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/25 09:18 PM
3

I chose not to meet the AP because I know all I need to know about him and his lack of character. I can’t do anything about him meeting my kids after the mandatory waiting period (in our agreement) is up, so I’m just going to be keeping a close eye on the situation and lines of communication open with my kids. If you do meet him, keep it about the kids and keep the emotion out of it. Your marriage is done and that ship is sailed and irrelevant, no matter how sh!tty it was.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/25 05:46 PM
5

My ex SAHW talked about not feeling like a team. So I’d cook dinner a couple times a week, almost always clean the kitchen, help with laundry, always put the kids to bed, etc. but it was never enough. She had one thing right. We weren’t a team. It only went one direction. If I ever remarry, it’s going to be a real team.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/25 03:51 PM
2

It’s either a hospital or a school (mine), right? Do you or she have kids? Any other complications at this point? We can’t introduce partners to the kids for at least 6 months, but that’s a good thing.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/25 08:11 PM
2

Sounds like the same playbook, except our exes did their sneaking around in a small town, and when the word got out, it spread like wildfire. As a result, she got fired from her new job and he got demoted at his job, and they blame us for it. Zero accountability. If she hadn’t called me when she first caught them together and if she and I hadn’t worked together to figure out the whole nasty story, we and everyone else would still be in the dark.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/25 07:50 PM
1

I just can’t see where they get off being mad when they caused it.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/25 07:08 PM
3

I’m sure they suspect, and I’m sure they hate it, but that’s pretty laughable. They know we’ve been talking this whole time, and I haven’t tried to hide it from my ex. During the divorce it was just sharing information about their cheating to help each other out with our respective divorce, and at some point turned into more. Waited until our divorces were final though to see each other.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/25 07:06 PM
1

Great work and thanks for sharing!
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/25 06:49 PM
5

Boundaries. Enforce them. It sounds like you’re still letting your ex walk all over you. I live in a gated community with 24/7 security, but she is able to come in to drop off the kids’ stuff for exchanges. She leaves it at the side door. And I leave it at the door of her (my old) house. She knows she is not welcome in my house and I don’t attempt to go in her house (even though I’m still paying for it). If my ex attempted to do what yours did, she would not be allowed in the house and the polic…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/25 06:45 PM
9

Gave away half of all of my savings and investments and am paying well over $5k a month in child support and alimony and still paying for my old house where she remains and is shacking up with her AP. Buying my new house meant a nice fat 6.75% mortgage rate. Went from only a few years away from early retirement to what feels like square one. Still worth it. I’d rather be broke and away from that lying, cheating user than financially set with her.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/25 06:35 PM
4

It’s not without complications obviously, but I saw how this woman carried herself at her worst, and I was impressed. Worth a shot.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/25 01:26 AM
14

Nah, he may have zero character or integrity, but my ex was the real problem. I gave that marriage everything I had and it was never enough. I want to thank him for taking her off my hands. And no punch I could throw will ever land as hard as the reality of life with her. Plus, if they hadn’t cheated, I never would have met his (now ex-)wife, who is 10x the woman my ex is.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/25 10:33 PM
4

I got a call from the wife of my ex’s affair partner telling me she caught them together. I thanked her for letting me know but it didn’t matter and I didn’t care - I was divorcing her regardless. I wish that poor bastard all the luck in the world with her. He’s gonna need it.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/25 03:53 PM
3

There are so many ways the negativity, loneliness and depression can hit. In the beginning it was easy to feel like I wasn’t enough. Good enough. Man enough. Attractive enough. Therapy, a lot of introspection, and working on myself physically and in other ways really helped with this. I am comfortable and confident in who I am, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that while I made mistakes in my marriage, her cheating and giving up on the marriage was 100% on her, not me. My friend and family …
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/25 03:44 PM
3

Either actively work to fix your marriage (she needs to actively participate in that also) or end it. This limbo you’re in isn’t good for anyone long term. I’ve got 50/50 (week on / week off) custody of my two kids and it’s hard managing my weeks with a busy job and also trying to support my kids emotionally struggling with the transition to split households. I don’t have any family support, so it’s all on me to figure everything out. It’s hard, but I make it work. And it beats living with a lyi…
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/25 03:26 PM
4

This is the answer. If her only concern is that you’ll use her absence against her in the custody determination, it’s easy enough to draw up an agreement that states that she has moved out by agreement and in the best interest of both parties and neither party will use her dwelling outside the marital home as a basis for determining custody. Avoiding an escalating cohabitation situation will be very beneficial to a more amicable resolution of the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/25 03:14 PM
2

Yeah, not losing any sleep over it.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/25 10:50 PM
7

Personally I’d leave it alone. You mean well and I’d want to help in that situation too, but no good deed goes unpunished. Your efforts will be twisted and misconstrued.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/25 02:25 PM
5

I’m rooting hard for a whirlwind romance and wedding between my ex and her affair partner. My ex thinks I’m trying to break them up, but I’ve never wanted anyone to get married so bad.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/25 02:23 PM
4

It’s gonna be different for everyone. Me? I’ve got two youngish kids and a busy life. I don’t have time for online dating and sifting through all the chaff. I have no problems meeting women in real life. If I meet someone who seems to have a good heart and gives me the right vibes, I’ll ask her out.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/25 11:18 PM
3

Damn sure love is real. I chose it every day. I did it every day. Perfectly? No, but even when I didn’t feel it, tried like hell to show it. Now, whether a woman can love me like a verb, not a feeling? That remains to be seen, but I have hope.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/25 11:13 PM
2

Meh, I prefer to have hope. But even if not, doesn’t mean you marry a bad one.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/25 09:07 PM
–

I just had the one small reason that she didn’t want to be with me anymore. We cohabitated for 6 months and that was rough. I feel for you, brother.
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/25 08:46 PM
5

Fool me once… Why don’t you think you deserve an emotionally mature and mentally healthy woman?
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/25 08:29 PM
2

Yeah, I asked because I’m still trying to figure that out. I’d rather not be single forever but I’m still trying to recover from the absolute hell of the last 7 months of divorce and get adjusted to my new life. My divorce won’t be final until a few weeks from now, and I won’t date until then, but I have started talking to someone. Can’t imagine the time it would take to juggle multiple women, but maybe I’m just doing it wrong. I was with my ex for 21 years so dating has probably changed a lot s…
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/25 01:15 PM
16

OP, I’m curious whether you think the time and energy it takes to engage with these women is worth it or is it negatively affecting other areas of your life? Between my kids, my work, maintaining my own house, keeping up with friends, working out and maintaining my health, I don’t have much time left over. And I’m not going to waste it on a casual hookup because long term that’s not what I want. Not saying my way is the right way for anyone else; I’m interested in your take.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/25 02:23 PM
3

For your own good and for a chance at a healthy long term relationship with someone else, you’ve got to disengage from your ex. So far your boundaries have been meaningless and you’re allowing yourself to get caught up in your ex’s drama and you’re dancing on her puppet strings. Figure out who you want to be and be that man regardless of what she or any other woman is doing.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/25 01:18 PM
2

Brother, I’ve been through dark times as well, times where I didn’t know how I was going to make it through the next few minutes, much less the rest of the day. I’ve wrestled with shame and regret. God doesn’t promise us an easy way through those times, but he does promise to be there with us every step of the way. You keep going by relying on his power and reminding yourself as many times as it takes that God has plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11. Trust that promise no matter how …
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/25 03:54 AM
3

You clearly need a lawyer if you don’t think you’re entitled to a portion of her pension.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/25 02:32 AM
6

It would be very easy for her to make a baseless DV allegation against you to try to beat you to the punch. And you can’t trust someone in her state of mind not to do that. I’d report her now just to protect myself and my kids.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/25 02:26 AM
9

Almost seems like she doesn’t want to talk to you? Not to be harsh, but she doesn’t. At all. Listen to what she’s saying to you with her actions. Chasing her when she’s running away from you won’t work. Time for you to gray rock her for the sake of your sanity and healing. No communication or contact unless absolutely necessary.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/25 11:14 PM
2

I contributed to the issues in our marriage. Her decision to cheat was 100% on her. That was the nail in the coffin of our marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/25 10:01 PM
3

My ex and I do week on / week off with our kids (12 and 10), and it works pretty well, especially since we see the kids on our off weeks for church and sports. I think switching every week minimizes the disruption for the kids. They’re still struggling a little with the change, but that would be the case regardless of what custody plan we chose.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/25 09:57 PM
1

Lol between the $25k in legal fees, my ex spending like there’s no tomorrow before we separated finances (at the advice of her attorney), buying a new house for myself, still paying for my old house for my ex, the cost of moving and furnishing my new house, and then monthly child support and alimony, I am leveraged to the hilt. It’s a little stressful since before all this the only debt I had was one mortgage. I’m not going to pretend I like it or that I’m comfortable with it, but I’ve got a pat…
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/25 09:46 PM
7

Stop following her in any way (social media, GPS, etc.) or giving her any attention whatsoever. Time to live your own life. I don’t want her back so I really don’t care what she does now.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/25 02:46 AM
3

CS varies from jurisdictions to jurisdiction and usually is a defined amount that you can determine with an online calculator or spreadsheet. In my jurisdiction, you can’t even apply for a modification of CS based on income changes unless the CS amount changes by at least 15% in either direction. Your state is probably different. I pay $2,100 a month, so it could be worse.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/25 07:40 PM
3

She sounds like a good one, but I’d give her the space and wait for her to reach out to me.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/25 03:14 PM
2

I’m in pretty much the same boat as you. Only difference is that our MDA prevents her from moving anyone in for 6 months, so she hasn’t moved him into our old house yet. Do a background check on the guy. If there are no red flags, don’t sweat the guy or what he and your ex are doing unless your kids communicate concerns to you. Keep those lines of communication with your kids open, but don’t grill them on the guy. Also, you used the word “combat.” Shift that mindset unless your kids are at risk.…
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/25 01:17 PM
1

Exactly.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/25 01:05 PM
2

She created a lot of unnecessary drama with her choice to have and continue an affair with a married cop in my small town, and I had to continue living with her for almost 5 months. She blamed me for the predictable fallout. I avoided any sort of escalation. Not just because of the threat of DV allegations but also because the situation was already tense enough. I couldn’t control her reactions or behavior but I could keep from fueling the fire on my end. It’s been a couple of months since I mov…
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/25 12:20 PM
2

Because if she tried to escalate an interaction, she could prevent me from leaving the room without me touching her.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/25 12:02 PM
3

There’s a reason you don’t trust her. Either fix your marriage to build the trust or divorce now. You’re coming up on the 10 year mark, which can be significant for potential alimony. The longer you live in limbo, the more expensive it will be whichever way you go.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/25 02:45 PM
14

Lived this. It’ll just keep getting worse for you and the kids. I refused to move out until we had a signed agreement, which was definitely the right call. Don’t engage her unless absolutely necessary. I’m in a one-party consent state for recording, so I carried a voice-activated recorder on me. I never let her position herself between me and an exit. If she tried to escalate anything, I walked away. She spent a lot of her time either gone with her affair partner or locked up in the guest room. …
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/25 02:39 PM
6

If this has been going on 4 years, lying shouldn’t surprise you. Make sure you have her trips documented. If she claims you’re a danger to the children but she’s okay leaving them with you the majority of the time, that undercuts her entire story. Wouldn’t hurt to have proof showing all your roles in their extra curriculars, possibly affidavits or statements from teachers, fellow coaches, or other parents attesting to your dad badassery.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/25 02:01 AM
9

I 100% agree with this. To be indifferent to things as profoundly impactful as separation from your spouse, from your children, from betrayal, etc. would require completely walling off your heart and feelings, which isn’t good in the long run. You should feel these things. They are deeply painful. For me, acceptance, not indifference, is the goal. I accept that my ex financially destroyed me. I will rebuild. I accept that my wife took away my ability to see my kids every day. I will be the best …
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/25 08:36 PM
7

Brother, I feel you. And from reading what you wrote, it may not feel like it, but you’re on the right track. Here’s what’s helped me: Find ways to redo your living space to make it yours and less of a reminder of what was. My ex wanted me to keep our old house for the kids, but I couldn’t deal with that association. I bought a new house and took almost nothing with me from the old house. In your case, maybe take one room at a time, starting with your bedroom. Figure out where you want wrong and…
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/25 02:10 PM
-1

Your divorce must have been a lot more painless than mine. And you also don’t understand the law. Regardless of what that agreement/order says between him and his ex, until the loan is paid off or his name is off of it, it is his legitimate debt. So stop giving what amounts to (bad) legal advice. Source: I’m not giving legal advice, but I am a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/25 01:52 PM
3

Your recommendations are spot on. Larry Bilotta and his program helped me tremendously, and the other YT channels you mentioned are very informative.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/25 01:28 PM
0

Sure, he can spend thousands more in legal fees enforcing his rights under the agreement and drag this whole mess out for months more. He can fight with the credit agencies over any delinquency (good luck with that, I did it after my identity was stolen). Or he can be done with it all and gain his peace now with no impact to him other than some paperwork. And maybe build some goodwill or leverage that he can use for something he wants. I get that a lot of guys here want to stick it to their mise…
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/25 01:17 PM
10

Look, my ex cheated on and lied to me and I barely talk to her even though we have kids, that’s how bad our relationship is, and I still probably would help her do an assumption as long as it’s just paperwork on my part. She doesn’t have to lose for me to do awesome, and I’m a believer that the good we put out there has a way of coming back around. Here’s the other thing. You’re creating unnecessary drama and issues for yourself. And if she defaults on the note, that’s on you, not her. Just do i…
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/25 02:01 AM
6

Yep. And if she can’t be fully honest and transparent with you, then your decision is made for you.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/25 02:56 PM
1

First, try everything you can to save your marriage. You have two young kids. That period sucks for just about everyone’s marriage. And the grass isn’t greener on the other side. Second, work on yourself. Why did your marriage suck so bad? Hint: i don’t know you, but it wasn’t all your wife. You should do this regardless of what happens. I don’t know you or your situation, but books like Gatekeeper by Shawn Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover were helpful starting places for me. Don’…
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/25 01:37 PM
8

Man, hiking out somewhere beautiful in nature does wonders for my soul. Pack a lunch and get away to decompress for a bit.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/25 11:01 PM
2

I find that positive affirmations work best when tied to a strong memory from my past that exemplifies that affirmation. Makes it feel much more real rather than me trying to convince myself.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/25 03:26 PM
1

Good work, brother. There are a few books you should read. Start with No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover. Don’t backslide into the old you.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/25 07:06 PM
9

In these situations, most women respond to strength and assertiveness. Not the nice pick me guy. In a lot cases, it doesn’t matter what you do - she’s just gone.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/25 06:19 PM
10

What I’m saying is that dance doesn’t work. At all. Women want a man who respects himself enough to know that he is the catch. You’re allowing your wife to have her cake and eat it too, and she biologically can’t respect that. And if she can’t respect you, there’s no way for her to love you. She’ll always feel like she settled. I learned this the hard way. It may work for a short time (in my case, a few years), but you’ll end up right back where you are now because nothing has really changed for…
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/25 04:21 PM
9

You’re subtly doing the pick me dance. Do you want to be someone’s Plan B? Or with someone who isn’t absolutely sure she wants to be with you? I’d be taking the approach of pulling away and making her pursue you. If she doesn’t, you have your answer. If she’s not all in, you’re just delaying the inevitable and making things harder for you kids in the long run.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/25 04:08 PM
9

Your ex wouldn’t even be coming back to you if she had experienced greener grass elsewhere, which tells me you weren’t a bad husband and shouldn’t beat yourself up too much. It is very hard to change for the better as a human, and that is especially true in an existing relationship because certain patterns have already been established and ingrained. And even if you are successful in improving yourself, the relationship only improves if your partner accepts those changes and does their own work.…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/25 04:47 PM
3

My ex’s cheating became a HUGE story in my town. To the point that it cost my ex her job. I’d say our mutual friends fall into three buckets: My close friends, even ones that I would have considered mutual, know the truth and are firmly on my side. Her close friends, even the ones that were previously mutual, are strictly her friends now. I don’t know if they got the real story or how they feel about it, and I just don’t care. There is also a group of mutual friends that I walked away from becau…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/25 02:45 PM
5

Have you truly done everything you can to improve yourself and your marriage? It’s really easy to point the finger at her and her faults and issues and how she’s making you feel, but have you really reflected on what you can control - yourself? My ex cheated and even so, as I grow and improve as a man, I look back at things in my marriage I absolutely should have done differently. I don’t have a time machine so I’ll never know, but you better believe I struggle with whether things would have bee…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/25 02:14 PM
9

My divorce after 17 years of marriage will be finalized in September, but everything is agreed to and done, and I’ve moved out and am paying alimony/CS and the custody plan has started. I’m already happier now, but it’s not all sunshine and roses. I’ve been through some stuff in my life, and divorce is easily the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. And it was brutal financially. My ex cheated, but that has little to do with why I’m happier now. It’s just another symptom of the issues we have. …
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/25 02:43 PM
1

My D-day was 2/21 and after riding the rollercoaster like you, got a settlement done in June. She gets a ton of money and assets for being a cheating, lying, selfish, manipulative user, BUT I’m already living in the new house I bought which is perfect, I’ve got 50/50 equal custody of my kids, I’ve got my awesome friends who stood by me, and I’ve got my faith in God who carried me through this. It feels good, and you’ll feel even better once everything in the agreement is actually carried out.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/25 09:56 PM
3

Connection and feeling comes from putting effort into the relationship. The grass is greener where you water it. Sounds like you put most of your effort into building a successful business and life. My wife chased her feelings and quit on the marriage and I later found out she was cheating, so I didn’t have a choice, but I would have done anything to rebuild the connection and work on us. That said, I don’t regret it even though it financially wrecked me and it’s been hard on my kids. I’m good a…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/25 02:34 PM
9

Your lawyer is worthless.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/25 04:47 AM
5

I feel this. Worked my butt off to pay for her lawyer while she didn’t work at all. I also got to pay for her to go to the spa and get massages, to get her v-jay waxed for her new dude, I paid for her new SUB she used to hook up with her new dude, and meals for them both on their dates. Meanwhile, I was selling my stuff to stay afloat. Our finances are officially split now. It’s bad when paying over $5k a month in child support and alimony feels like a relief. I’d stop paying her attorney long b…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/25 04:44 AM
1

As a man of faith, my primary purpose is a higher calling, but regardless of what you believe, a man needs more purpose and identity than just being a husband. Your purpose should be defined by who you are, what your values are, and your connections. For example, as a follower of Jesus, I’m called to love my neighbor and to share the good news of salvation however I can. That means I find ways to serve in my community and those around me. As a father, I’m called to love my kids and to raise and …
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/25 06:16 PM
5

When I bought and moved to my new place, I left behind anything that had any connection to her or any memory attached to her. My ring was in a bathroom drawer when I left. Couldn’t tell you where it is now and couldn’t care less.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/25 02:58 AM
2

Awesome. It’s not sexy, but keep putting in the work on yourself, keep showing up for your kids and building a home for yourselves, find ways to continue to connect and build a circle of good friends you can count on no matter what, and make time to have fun and do things you enjoy. At some point, you’re going to see what an amazing life you’ve built for yourself and how it doesn’t depend on someone else being in your life. When you’re healthy and build a great life like that, women will come to…
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/25 09:47 PM
2

You’re worrying about the wrong thing. Tons of women will want to jump into your good life. Most of them won’t be good for you. Instead, work on figuring out your purpose. Find connection with brothers who have your back. Keep being the best dad possible. Work on why you’re worried about meeting another woman when you just got separated. Learn to find joy in life alone. Then you can attract the right woman.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/25 07:31 PM
2

She is gone. And the old you needs to die with that relationship. What have you done during the last year to build the new, better you?
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/25 07:17 PM
3

You’ll be more than okay, and it has nothing to do with meeting someone else. Once you deal with those insecurities and that co-dependency, you’ll be in a great place. The only way you f this up is by trying to jump to a new relationship before you deal with those issues and heal.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/25 06:22 PM
2

Dude, 4 years?!? I’m right there with you. It feels great to be recognized as a catch. It feels great to say exactly what I mean and be myself regardless of what anyone else thinks. It sucks that it took a divorce to figure all that out, but I don’t have a time machine, so I’ll just get it right going forward.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/25 06:15 PM
10

Yeah, I recently settled my divorce after 17 years of marriage and just moved into the new house I bought. Never again will I combine finances, co-own property together, or set aside who I am for a woman. Not interested in even dating at this point. After the mental, emotional, and financial butchering I just experienced, I need to heal and rebuild. I’m sure there are good women out there, but they seem few and far between these days. If one comes to me, great, but I’m not looking.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/25 11:19 AM
5

Not that it makes a difference now, but when women speak of being physically repulsed by their husbands, 9 times out of 10 there’s another guy in the picture. They have to make you the bad guy so they don’t feel bad about themselves. It will feel lonely at first. The holidays, anniversary, birthdays. But then you’ll feel that peace you have now. To your core. And you won’t want to go back. Stay strong, brother. We’ll get through this.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/25 10:59 AM
6

^ This. All of it.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/25 02:03 AM
2

Bought a new house I like way better than my old house, and now I get to make it mine!
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 06:00 PM
1

One of the few ways my ex’s selfishness paid off for me was that she didn’t want the hassle and expense of caring for our dog, so I got him.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 05:58 PM
6

Nope. I love kids, and I miss mine intensely on the weeks I don’t have them (50/50 alternating weeks custody), but I need to simplify my life, not complicate it. Also, I’m paying well over $5k a month in CS and alimony; I need to rebuild financially. I fill that gap by volunteering with different youth stuff: coaching sports, church youth programs, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 05:29 PM
3

Emotionally balanced? It’s divorce. If you cared at all, it’s going to be a bit of a rollercoaster. If you have no shared kids or assets, why would you stay friends? End it and cut contact so you can heal and move on. What helped me? Space from the ex. My faith. Working out. Finding new purpose and building a new life. My friends and family.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/25 09:49 PM
3

Yeah, it’s either insecurity or projection or both. Whatever the case, run.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/25 05:06 PM
9

Hint: if a woman asks you a question like “would you leave me if I got cancer?” then she isn’t marriage material.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/25 04:46 PM
1

No, I don’t know you. But no one who wrote what you just did is ready to be dating.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 11:55 PM
1

In many jurisdictions, family law judges are assigned on a rotating basis, so you don’t find out who your judge is until long after you’ve retained your lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 06:49 PM
3

Yeah, you shouldn’t be dating until you get yourself figured out. You reek of desperation. Figure out who you are and then just be that person.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 06:42 PM
3

You should have divorced her immediately. She doesn’t respect you or love you and she is still cheating - she just got better at hiding it. Women don’t respect a guy who will take back a cheater and they will do it again. And women aren’t attracted to someone they don’t respect. End it now.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 12:00 PM
7

I absolutely do, and there’s nothing I can do legally about that either.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 02:13 AM
6

I see where she’s coming from, because my ex cheated and I don’t want that integrity-lacking a-hole around my kids, but no, not much she can really do about it unless the woman presents some sort of danger to your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 02:10 AM
1

Yes, I’ve been very blessed. I’ve got a blood brother and a band of other brothers ranging from old friends to newer ones from work, my community, my hobbies, and my church. I let a lot of those relationships stagnate or lapse as a married man, but it was amazing what happened when I got intentional about rebuilding old connections and forging new ones. I think one of the most underestimated pieces of that was realizing that if all of these incredible, successful guys want to be my friend and be…
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 12:16 PM
4

Depends on the circumstances. There isn’t enough counseling in this world that could convince me to try again with my selfish, lying, cheating, emotionally stunted succubus of an ex. I initially would have done anything to save our marriage but now that I see her for who she really is? Counseling doesn’t fix a lack of character and integrity.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 12:05 PM
3

I think you’re exactly right about building a circle of men around yourself. Once I did that, I could process the loss and the loneliness was gone. I also don’t have any urge to jump into a stupid rebound relationship. I think the men you choose are important. They need to be people you respect and share a lot of values with. It was key for me that my friends had my back no matter what, but they also called me out and challenged me on things when they needed to. There are often a lot of hard dec…
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 11:50 AM
11

I’m a healthy red blooded male, and I’m confident there’s nothing my ex could do to even get me hard.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 01:42 AM
4

Yep, she thought she was getting away with it. A few months later she got real bold with her demands and I dropped some of what I knew. At first she thought I was bluffing, but I shared just enough specific detail for her to get the picture that I had documented proof. Her attitude changed real quick once she put two and two together that I could absolutely destroy her and her BF with what I had. So now, I just hold it in my back pocket and smile at her when she starts flexing.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 01:34 AM
3

I’m in the same boat as you: successful, tall, in good shape. It ain’t hard. But that’s my point. Why would I take that kind of risk for someone who isn’t right for me? And there are plenty of younger women out there today who don’t want kids. But if you want more kids for yourself, go for it. If not, I’m just saying that’s a big thing to compromise on just for some hot, young tail.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 01:26 AM
6

Marriage? Possibly. More kids? Nope. I’m good with the kids I have. If she wants kids, she’s not the one for me no matter how attractive or cool she may be.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 12:50 AM
8

My ex mistook my quiet calmness for ignorance of her cheating and backstabbing. Stoicism is important, but it’s not the whole. It’s the foundation from which you can act strategically and decisively.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/25 11:12 PM
1

I’m in a good place after my ex grenaded our 17 year marriage for an affair and ruined me financially in the divorce. I’m not anyone special; I credit my faith, my badass friends, and an active lifestyle with good habits and fitness. Doesn’t mean I don’t have hard days like everyone else though, but I also refuse to drink when I’m feeling bad. It seems pretty normal to me that you’d still be feeling the loss of almost everything meaningful to you, and that doesn’t mean you’re failing. You’re sti…
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/25 08:00 PM
5

You and I are in very similar boats before and after, except I’m making slightly more and paying her more. I feel for you. It’s going to be very tight for me for the next 18 months. It seems particularly unfair in my case since she was cheating and that means nothing, but at least now we’re free of the selfish, ungrateful users, so it’s still a win.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/25 04:27 PM
5

Congrats on the raise, my man!
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/25 08:31 PM
2

There is some overlap. While Gatekeepers delves more into the emotional programming that drives a lot of our counterproductive behavior and mate selection, TGTW goes into a lot more detail on both the positive and red flag qualities of women that men should be looking out for. Personally, I got more out of Gatekeepers, and I think that’s the best starting place (beginning with yourself), especially after a divorce, but I think both are worth reading.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/25 05:04 PM
2

On the house, you know what your options are and what’s best for you. Downsizing can be great to potentially unlock equity, reduce maintenance time and costs, and get some physical separation from bad memories. Just don’t make any snap decisions. I’d suggest fixing up your current place regardless. If you stay, you’ll appreciate the changes; if you move, your house will be more marketable. My STBX wanted me to keep our existing house, but it was too big, too expensive, a pain to maintain, and fi…
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/25 04:59 PM
1

Yep. His book The Tactical Guide to Women is also very good.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/25 03:46 PM
2

The low interest rate on the current house, if you or she can keep it, absolutely has value in today’s economic climate.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/25 03:17 PM
3

Yes, she was a stay at home mom. Considering my income, her lack of income, and the fact that we were married for over 17 years, I’m good with how it turned out. Kept all of my pension, kept all of my stock options, kept my side business, half my 401k, and enough cash to buy a new house. Obviously she got a good amount of cash and investment accounts. Alimony was more than I wanted to pay but a lot less than a court could have ordered me to pay. Child support is standard.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/25 03:21 AM
5

About $21k so far, but hopefully that’s most of it. Even though me and my attorney did all the work and drafting and filing, her attorney still managed to bill almost $9k because STBX would call her up for every little thing rather than just communicate with me like a rational human being.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/25 02:03 AM
3

I’m 46 and I absolutely would do this if I didn’t have children.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/25 10:56 AM
6

You are correct that you should confirm your options with your lender, but there are a few reasons why this won’t work out for most. First, very few conventional loans are assumable. Wells Fargo is one of the few major lenders I know of that does them. Second, even if your loan is assumable, you have to qualify on your own, which can be tough if you have spousal and child support obligations and if you’re carrying debt for legal fees or other reasons. Third, if you have a ton of equity, you have…
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/25 10:41 AM
5

You’re doing good, brother. Great job getting a lawyer and taking control as much as you can. As someone a little ahead of you in the journey, be prepared for more ups and downs. Some days and weeks will feel like you’re killing it and others like you’re getting killed, but as long as you keep moving forward, you’ll make it out on the other side. You’ve got this.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/25 08:47 PM
8

I wont speak negatively of my lying, cheating and remorseless STBX to or around the kids and I have forgiven her, but I also won’t be fake to her in front of them. I can be respectful and polite and also set appropriate boundaries. If I don’t draw those lines, I won’t be a healthy parent for my children. My daughter had her elementary school graduation a couple weeks ago. The kids sat with the parents for the first half of it, so I sat with my STBX with our daughter between us. I also took a pic…
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 12:43 AM
2

I see where you’re coming from. I’ve been cohabiting with my STBX for almost 5 months now, and it’s pretty awful. If I waited for her to file and get everything done, I’d be stuck in this BS for years. My time and peace are worth way more than that, so I’m the one who is filing and pushing everything forward.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 04:37 PM
3

It would be very foolish not to retain a lawyer in this situation.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 04:06 PM
2

Why are you waiting for her to file? Sounds like she gets to have her cake and eat it too in the current situation, so why would she be in a hurry to change it?
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 04:06 PM
1

Feel what you need to feel. Then get back to the business of rebuilding a better life and a better man.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 02:03 PM
7

One of the hardest things to come to terms with is that she was this selfish person all along and I didn’t see it. She just put on a good front for as long as she was getting what she wanted from our 17 year marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 01:00 PM
7

Also, if any 401k contributions were pre-marriage, factor that in. That saved almost $100k on my 401k.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 12:15 AM
11

At some point, I had to accept that there was nothing more I could have done. I wasn’t the perfect husband, but I was a good one and she is a cheater. There’s no saving anything in that situation. My marriage failed, but I’m not a failure, and that’s an important distinction. Let yourself feel the pain, loss and grief like you are. Don’t try to bury it or dull it or fast forward through it. It’s too intense at the moment to be able to look back at your marriage and start to learn from it. Crying…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 03:09 AM
2

She told me she wanted a divorce Feb. 21 and we both had attorneys the following week. First collaborative meeting (preliminaries only) was the second week of March. Spring break got in the way so first substantive meeting was end of March. So basically 4 sessions over 2+ months. We had some hiccups, like the sale of our house falling through, and some trickier financial asset valuation issues to negotiate, which made it take a little longer. I was doing everything I could in the background to k…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 02:54 AM
4

I’ve just gone through it and we reached an agreement last week. The more you can agree on together upfront, the cheaper it will be. My ex wouldn’t agree to giving up a box of Kleenex without talking to her attorney and she reported every perceived slight to her attorney even though I went above and beyond to be transparent and cooperative, so it was way more expensive than it needed to be.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 12:38 AM
2

Yeah, if she wants the divorce anyway, I’d move back in. Right now, she has the best of everything - life on her own with you paying for it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/25 11:20 PM
1

And now she’s some other poor bastard’s problem. Well, he’s banging a married woman, so can’t feel too sorry for him.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 03:28 AM
8

While we were still cohabitating, I was working on my new budget for the divorce and as I was going through our bank statement saw her payment for getting a Brazilian wax, which she hadn’t done in at least 12 years. Try to build as much space as you can while you cohabitate. Do whatever you can to get out as soon as possible. Don’t let her goad you into a reaction, and don’t stoop to her level. Take care of yourself. It’ll still suck, but you’ll be able to hold your head high on the other side o…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 03:23 AM
2

I’ve got younger kids (9 and 11), so I’ve made an effort to get to know the parents of their friends and connect with them. For myself, I used to be pretty bad about proactively reaching out to my existing friends and staying in touch regularly. Now, I make an effort to text them every couple of days about stuff going on in our lives and make plans weekly. My hobbies are largely fitness related, and I’ve made them more social. Group strength training vs. lifting on my own, and group rides or run…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 07:58 PM
19

Yeah, the courts give women everything they really wanted out of the marriage and men are kept slaves to the man. I don’t even complain about it anymore because it doesn’t help. I just reframe it as my price for peace and an expensive lesson learned. And honestly, I wouldn’t trade shoes with my ex for all the money in the world. I’ve had to step up my social game but that’s been good for me. You’ve got this, brother.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 05:49 PM
6

The less you shield her from the reality of the consequences of her decisions, the better.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 04:30 PM
2

I had to ask myself very similar questions. The book I recommended helped me to identify the underlying emotional beliefs I had about myself and my self-worth and how that impacted my choice of partner and my interaction with her. It’s really important to become aware of those beliefs so that you don’t repeat this pattern with a new partner.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 12:29 PM
7

You say she was a user and a taker. You say she had walls up. What about you made you think that was okay for a relationship and allowed you to tolerate that in the first place, much less 24 years? Why were you willing to accept so little from her? I recommend reading the book Gatekeeper by psychologist Shawn Smith.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 09:58 AM
3

Once, but should have walked away then. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 12:12 AM
1

Sounds like good progress. You like your new place? You have friends to hang out with?
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/25 11:34 AM
2

All the best to you in your new life. Did you end up selling the house? Mine is moving extremely quickly too. I will be in my new house in less than a month.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/25 11:20 AM
3

I was in a similar boat - 17 years married, teacher wife who chose to be a SAHM after having kids. Get a consult with a lawyer because it will vary a lot from state to state. In my case, all marital assets are cut in half. She gets half of all my retirement and investment accounts less my pre-marital contributions (with interest). I had to buy her out of my pension and stock options. House was close to paid off; we’re selling and splitting the equity. She has to go back to work as a teacher but …
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/25 11:03 AM
11

I would press charges. A woman like that will continue to use you and abuse you until you push back. She won’t have to address her issues unless/until she starts suffering some consequences (and maybe not even then). I would subpoena the records and seek maximum custody. All of this is subject to your attorney’s advice.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/25 10:32 AM
2

No good reason to get your ex-wife a Mother’s Day gift when your children are adults or to date an insecure woman. Ask yourself why you feel you need to do either.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/25 01:53 AM
2

I’m a lawyer (not a divorce attorney) and I still would get frustrated with my lawyer at times because it felt unfair to get screwed so hard financially by a cheating wife, even though the law backed her up. My attorney was always able to talk me off the ledge eventually though. Look, a good lawyer not only understands the strategy and legal arguments to get you the best outcome, he or she also should be able to act as a good counselor to you. That said, you need to take responsibility for manag…
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/25 01:45 AM
1

It’s awesome being a good person with boundaries.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/25 06:18 PM
1

I’ve mentioned before in this sub that our stories have a lot of similarities. There’s a sad pattern for these women and us men. Understand and own what patterns and flawed emotional logic got you to this point so that you can avoid them in the future. Keep up the boundaries. You need the space to process and heal. It sounds like you’re doing this already, but don’t distract yourself too much with activities, a new woman, etc. to the point that you can’t process your feelings, understand and lea…
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/25 12:27 AM
1

This period of limbo while waiting on the divorce process is the hardest part, especially if your STBX isn’t cooperating at all. Having to be patient and suffer through it with dignity and not stooping to her level feels almost impossible sometimes (most?) days. Do what you can to take care of yourself in the meantime. Enjoy your dogs, enjoy your friends or make new ones. Be grateful for the little things and use all of this as motivation to be the best possible version of yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/25 11:26 AM
2

You too! We’ll be better for it on the other side.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/25 11:15 AM
1

It’s been insanely stressful, but I want to set me and my kids up for the best life possible on the other side, and it beats sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I still hurt, but I’m also excited for a new start.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/25 11:14 AM
6

Fight or flight is a real thing, and for me, it’s mostly fight mode for the last 3+ months. Dealing with the initial shock when she told me she was done, finding out she was cheating on me, and then run-ins with the affair partner all while cohabitating really make it hard to regain solid footing. On top of that, pulling together all the financial documents and going through the custody, asset split, and alimony negotiations, selling a house, buying a house, moving, splitting up insurance, phone…
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/25 08:34 PM
1

Without minimizing the substantial sacrifices it will require, my son would absolutely come first. There are too many variables here to give you any sort of advice on what that specifically looks like, but I can offer a few points things generally. Don’t penalize your son for the mistakes and poor decisions you and your wife both made. Also, as a man, connecting with a son can be harder in the baby phase. Don’t let that feeling now determine your relationship with him long term. No matter how su…
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/25 03:22 PM
7

Where do you want to be in 5 years? More importantly, WHO do you want to be? It seems that most men I talk to coming off a divorce are focused on getting laid or finding a new relationship to instinctually fill that hole they feel. That should be secondary to identifying and pursuing your purpose, to building a band of brothers around you, and to becoming a physically and emotionally healthy human. That all has to come first so you know what kind of woman fits into that life. For more info on th…
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/25 03:12 PM
3

You could be describing me, except it was February and my STBX went into health coaching.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/25 03:03 PM
3

You know her better than we do, but I think if you make it clear that you have no agenda, you’re not looking for a response, and you understand why she’s proceeding with the divorce, then I think it would be okay. I agree with doing it in writing.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/25 02:00 AM
3

I know it’s hard, but your boys know how you feel about them. Stay strong.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/25 01:53 AM
2

I’m a pretty self-motivated person, but yeah it’s hard to stay focused in the middle of this. I find that connection is very motivating for me, whether it’s work, the gym, or anything else. I’m much more consistent and productive when I know it matters to someone else if I show up or take care of business. Plus, loneliness is very de-motivating. Anything you can do to build more connection in your life?
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 09:39 PM
6

I think it’s pretty awesome that you were able to open up like that with her despite your lack of trust for her, and I’m glad she came through for you in a time of need. Seems like a good sign for moving forward in a more amicable way. Because the way the break-up of my marriage went down, I wouldn’t be able to show any sort of vulnerability with my STBX. The cheating and lies with no apology or remorse means she’s not a safe person for me to open up to. And really, she wasn’t an empathetic pers…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 08:59 PM
7

Exactly. Now that I’ve seen exactly who she is, if my STBX miraculously came back and wanted to reconcile (never gonna happen), there is zero chance I’d take her back.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 06:01 PM
3

I feel you, brother. My STBX dumped me for her affair partner, a 6’6” former SWAT officer. That said, the fact that she cheated though made it a lot easier for me to accept. Plus, it’s obvious she’s chasing internal happiness from external sources. It’s not about me at all. Plus, it helps that I know what I bring to the table and I have a lot of self-confidence. I’m not going to have any problems dating quality women whenever I’m ready. Even so, there are some gut punches that have hit me hard (…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 05:53 PM
14

Yeah, my STBX said something similar. Three weeks later she was caught with a married man in the back of her SUV. Chasing her, begging her, and moping around the house won’t get her back. The only thing that MAY get her to see things differently is a sharp dose of consequences for her choices. What does life look like without you as her husband?
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 03:10 PM
2

I am treating my STBX calmly and with a level head. We are resolving the asset split and alimony collaboratively, and I am being completely transparent and fair in the process. I am sad and disappointed for what I thought we had, for what she threw away, for the pain she has caused our children. I am working with a therapist to process those feelings. I am excited for my future apart from her, and anger, bitterness, or a desire for revenge don’t help me live a better life. They also aren’t consi…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 03:08 PM
3

Agreed, but I’d much rather fight that legally than a DV charge.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 12:38 PM
2

The only thing I’m going to regret is not leaving this disloyal and unfaithful woman sooner. I will not regret the swift action I have taken to remove her from my life for my own physical, emotional and mental health. I love my kids more than anything in the world. They aren’t going to see me be a weak man with no boundaries and being used. They aren’t going to see me be fake or pretend to be friends with their mom when I’m not. You can’t be friends with someone who is cheating on you and lying …
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 11:44 AM
6

Get a good lawyer NOW. Starting to take action will help you feel a lot better because you aren’t stuck in this mess at her mercy. Don’t make any major financial decisions before speaking with your lawyer. Get a voice-activated recorder and carry it with you at all times. Avoid her as much as possible, communicate only when strictly necessary, and don’t let her bait you into arguments - if you’re getting upset, walk away. It’s hard, but don’t show her any emotion. I haven’t handled everything pe…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 11:28 AM
3

As much as I loved her and as hard as this divorce has been, I’m genuinely excited about starting my new life. I have forgiven her and don’t hold any bitterness or resentment toward her in my heart. At the same time, I can’t be friends with someone like that. Among other things, I don’t trust her, which is a basic requirement for friendship. When she says she wants to be good friends (mine said the same thing), that’s because (1) she wants to soothe her guilty conscience about how she’s treated …
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 02:11 AM
6

No, I don’t sit with her. Usually I’m coaching my kids games anyways, but even when I don’t, I sit well away from her. I have zero desire to interact with her. If we cross paths, I will say hello or acknowledge her with a nod, but otherwise I don’t engage unless she asks me a direct question about the kids. If we had ended things amicably, I would have no issues maintaining more than the bare minimum of contact. But my STBX cheated, lied about it, showed no remorse, and then took me to the clean…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 01:38 AM
9

I would not push your wife to not come to your daughter’s events. That’s not fair to your wife or your daughter. This is just a phase you have to get through. My daughter also heavily favored her mom when she was 2 - 3 yo. For years now though, she’s been a daddy’s girl. There are probably some things you can do differently during/after those events to take the edge off your daughter’s reaction. In terms of how you interact with your ex at events, everyone’s relationship with their ex is differe…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 01:30 AM
5

Divorce is the time to get cold and tactical. I loved my STBX with everything I had before she started cheating on me and dumped me like yesterday’s garbage. Part of me still does love her even though her actions show she doesn’t love me, but her bf can have her. She isn’t who I thought she was. None of that matters though. She already took my love and 20 years of my life and now is the time to stop the bleeding. I try to be around her as little as possible. When we do communicate it’s about kid…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 12:50 AM
1

I got the same from my STBX. Truth was, there never was a perfect time because she was no longer really attracted to me, just the lifestyle I could provide. As a faithful husband and good dad who helped carry the load, I was stable, predictable, and not a challenge. And it’s not like I’m a dud. I’m tall and about 10% body fat. I know how to have a good time. I have friends and hobbies. But we’d been together 20 years, and I couldn’t give her butterflies like her affair partner. Your wife knows h…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 12:25 AM
3

I make a solid living, but even so, it’s going to be really, really tight this first year. Alimony plus child support will eat up 40% of my net income. Not having to pay for a lot of unnecessary crap now makes it worth it. Even though finances are tight, I made the decision to buy a house that I can make into a new home for me and the kids and build a life around. They are excited and I think it’s helping to keep them grounded and feeling secure. Me and them are a team and building a new life to…
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/25 11:28 AM
4

If you two don’t fix this now, she will grow to resent you for the lack of intimacy (yes, it sounds stupid, i know), she’ll find it someplace else, and then she’ll leave you with the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you” speech. It’s not the lack of sex as much as it is her unwillingness to appreciate your side of it and to communicate and work with you in a healthy way to figure it out. Have you told your wife that these issues are serious enough to you that if she won’t work on them with …
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/25 11:20 AM
1

Well played! I’d pay good money to see the look on her face when she gets served.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/25 01:53 AM
8

Trying to analyze what’s going through her head is a waste of your valuable time and energy. You’re getting too comfortable. Keep the boundaries. I’m 3 months into cohabitating until our house sale closes (1 more month). The more space you can give her and the less you engage, the better for your mental health and the less of a rollercoaster it is.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 01:16 PM
7

Yeah, I agree the gaslighting after the fact is the worst part of all of this. Dumping me like a bad habit with no warning or attempt to work on anything? Cruel, but I’ll get over it. Cheating with a married man? Pretty shitty thing to do to someone, but again, I’ll get over it. Lying about it all (despite being caught red-handed) and inventing some BS narrative about me as a husband to justify everything? Now I can’t trust her in the divorce or as a co-parent. I also have a lot to work through …
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 03:43 PM
5

Yeah, you and I have similar stories.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 03:36 PM
16

BS. I was flirted with and hit on regularly during my marriage. I drew lines early so the temptation never went beyond what I could handle, even when my marriage wasn’t great. It’s a simple matter of morals. My STBX prioritized feelings over her commitment. Plus, there are attractive women with strong character who remain committed through hard times in their marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 01:27 PM
1

Exactly. What ingrained emotional logic is perpetuating this negative behavior and negative outcomes? Is it any attention is better than no attention? Is it that you think you’re a bad or worthless person and don’t deserve better? Or is it something else. And maybe (this was true for me) things need to get even worse before you’re properly motivated to make changes in your life. If that’s the case and you think you have regrets now…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/25 09:43 PM
3

Im very similarly situated to you, but a little behind you in the timeline. I agree with most of your advice but would point out a couple of legal things that are state-specific or situation-specific. First, on life insurance, my state requires that she and I both maintain a certain amount of insurance for the benefit of the kids, where the other spouse is named as the trustee. The parties could mutually agree differently, but otherwise that’s the default in my state and I suspect many other sta…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/25 09:36 PM
1

Been cohabitating for 3 months with my cheating STBX. It sucks something awful and we both want to move out BUT I want to keep her properly motivated to come to an agreement on asset division and alimony. Plus, she’s not working and if she moves out, she’s just going to drain our cash twice as fast as she already is. Hopefully, we can reach an agreement on everything and get a contract on the house sale in the next week or two.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/25 08:10 PM
4

About 3 weeks after my STBX told me she was done with our marriage, I got a call from a women letting me know she had caught my STBX and her husband in the backseat of STBX’s SUV in a vacant parking garage. I’ve seen them together on other occasions and people will randomly text me pics of them together, but to this day she denies anything has happened. The level of self-delusion is scary. I’m simply keeping things amicable until we have a signed agreement on everything.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/25 08:03 PM
24

Before I ended up in a divorce, I thought the worst of it was not seeing your kids every night and losing half your stuff. I had no idea how much more loss is really involved. The wife and partner I thought I’d grow old with? Gone. Not just gone, she’s not even the same person, which basically takes all the good memories with her. My dream of growing old as a family? Gone. My purpose as a husband? Gone. My kids’ innocence and trust in family? Gone. My financial security and ability to retire ear…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/25 01:51 AM
3

My wife had the opposite issue. She was a big fan of other men during our marriage. In all seriousness though, I appreciate the need for strong male relationships in my life much more now than I did during most of my marriage. I think most marriages would benefit from that.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/25 08:38 PM
5

First, do what you can to save your marriage. I’d sit her down and tell her very clearly that if things don’t change, a divorce will happen. She can’t be happy either from what you’re describing, so either y’all get happy together or you both go your separate ways. If you don’t do everything you can while there’s still a chance to salvage things, you’ll probably regret it when you divorce. Sitting and doing nothing isn’t a viable strategy. At some point her misery will overcome her fear and she …
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/25 02:52 PM
5

If I were in your shoes, she’d be coming home to a lot of changes that she wouldn’t be prepared to handle on that much jet lag.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/25 11:41 AM
9

Yeah, mine got me to buy her a new SUV two weeks before coldly telling me she was done with our marriage. Three weeks after that, she got caught in the backseat of said SUV with her married affair partner. Just move on and if your family doesn’t have your back on this, I’d cut them out too.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/25 11:28 AM
33

Some women will always look to blame men for their unhappiness.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/25 11:16 AM
5

Your wife sounds like a terrible human, but you haven’t done yourself any favors. End it and work on yourself, including figuring out why you’re addicted to the conflict and drama, before getting near another woman.
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/25 10:44 AM
9

No, you’re doing the right thing. You need to keep your physical and emotional distance for your own health and sanity. The consequence of that is that at some point you wouldn’t take her back even if she wanted to reconcile. You know what’s required for friendship? Honesty and trust, which are two things you don’t have with her. They throw out wanting to be friends for two reasons, and neither of them is for your benefit. One, it helps them feel better about dumping you like a piece of trash. T…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/25 06:54 PM
1

Sounds like you need to set up communication through an app and block her number. Boundaries are worth only as much as you value and enforce them. Do the kids have an iPad or other device to be able to call you independently when they’re at her house and call her when they’re at your house? If not, think about setting that up.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/25 08:08 PM
4

Not gonna lie, it’s bad. But I’m doing all the right things, and I can see light at the end of the tunnel. The last two big things are settling on alimony and getting our house sold quickly. Should be able to move out June 1 or so.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/25 06:33 PM
2

Dude, you’re only 3.5 months out. Of course you’re not okay. I get that it sucks (I’m only 3 months out myself), but it takes time and effort to get better, and it’s going to be a rollercoaster of ups and downs for a while. What are you doing to take care of yourself and heal? Are you using this pain as motivation to make positive changes in your life?
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 05:36 PM
15

46M attorney married to a SAHM for 17 years with two kids 9 and 11 and pull down about $325k a year. I’m a few months ahead of you in the process. Two factors are critical for you, neither of which you can control: (1) getting divorced in CA is terrible, especially if you get the wrong judge; and (2) it all depends on how reasonable your wife is. My recommendation is to keep things as friendly with your wife as possible, reassure her that you’re not going to screw her over, and try to work out a…
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/25 02:25 PM
9

Hahaha, lack of intelligence, lack of curiosity, and a lack of sense of humor. All weeded out with one comment. Well done, sir.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/25 03:34 PM
3

These women fall into very predictable patterns. I’m sorry for your friend. I hope they are healing.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/25 12:49 PM
1

The predictable patterns of this are both funny and sad. My STBX had an emotional affair a few years back as well. Should have just dropped her then. When I saw pictures of her with this new dude, all I could think about was how she had no loyalty, no character, and no love. Her eyes looked like cold, empty pits. There was nothing behind them. The first thought that came to my mind was good, he can have you. There’s nothing left that I want. I’m 46 and I’m almost 3 months out from the day she to…
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/25 12:47 PM
3

I was already in great shape, and I still lost about 15 pounds in just a few weeks, so I get the eating thing. I kept lifting though. It helped calm my mind, it helped me sleep better and it actually helped a little with my appetite. I hate to say it, but I’d bet almost anything your wife is seeing someone else. Honestly, seeing pictures (yeah, she got caught in the act) helped. I realized it wasn’t about me at all, it was about her brokenness. I realized I didn’t want to be with someone like th…
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/25 12:04 PM
3

You’re doing all the right things. It will just take time. Your situation described mine perfectly. Except my STBX is also in an affair while we cohabitate. I let myself feel those feelings in the moment. I’ll cry if I need to. I find that I process my feelings much better and don’t get stuck in them if I’m physically moving or active. It works much better for me than quiet meditation. I’ve gotten very clear on my purpose and I have set goals toward them. I use time without the kids to focus on …
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/25 11:11 AM
24

I was with my STBX wife for almost 21 years. Everything seemed fine until I had to work from home during Covid 5 years ago. She told me basically the same things your wife said to you. She then had an emotional affair with an ex, and we physically separated for almost 6 months. I should have respected myself enough then and left her, but we got back together. It seemed good at first, but I was never able to forget the things she said or how she had treated me. And within a few years, I was clear…
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/25 10:56 AM
7

Not happening in my case. Even if she changed her mind and decided she wanted to be together again, I don’t trust her anymore and I don’t have those feelings for her anymore. We’re resolving the divorce pretty amicably so far but that’s mostly because we just want to be done with it and apart. She lost attraction for me and cheated and that killed any attraction I had for her.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/25 12:22 AM
4

Man, I get that this truly sucks. I’m in the same boat after 20 years together, but I’m two months ahead of you in the process, and I’ll say it gets easier. At some point you’ll be glad that she’s banging someone else because it means she’s more likely to not rake you over the coals in the divorce. Trust me it’s even worse if she’s screwing you financially while she screws another guy for fun.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/25 12:17 AM
2

Why would that matter? Either way she’s no good and either way he’s going to picture her banging another dude because he can’t trust her.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/25 12:11 AM
4

Honestly, seeing the pictures taken of her cheating. It was like a switch turned off and any affection I had for her was gone. I saw who she really was inside and I wanted no part of that.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/25 11:59 PM
6

To my knowledge, Michigan does not have a set formula for alimony. Alimony for a 6 year marriage where the spouse has a college degree and is capable of working will be minimal if anything.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/25 11:41 PM
13

Awesome work rebuilding. You’ll get there brother. Back when I was into mountain bike racing, one of the first things I learned was that your bike will go wherever you’re looking. So, rather than focusing on that obstacle you didn’t want to hit, you focused on your path forward. You’re gonna feel those negative emotions. Don’t try to fight them. Acknowledge them and then refocus your mind on your purpose and all the things you have to be thankful for.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/25 12:33 PM
2

Do YOU have a lawyer? Stop letting her push you around. Take action and make her take it to court.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/25 03:59 PM
1

Get off the dating apps and use that time and energy to work on yourself instead. I’m not sure I understand your legal situation, but you have a lawyer, so hopefully they’re doing everything they can to fight for you and move this thing along.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/25 10:07 AM
4

Damn sure needed to hear this today. I feel like we’re in the worst of it right now doing the negotiations with the lawyers, blowing through money, getting the house ready to sell, trying to keep things sorta normal for the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/25 10:22 PM
7

You’re not destroying the marriage by filing for divorce. She destroyed the marriage by not listening to you, by abusing you, by refusing to meet with a therapist. You’re just making the legal reality reflect the physical and emotional reality of the state of your marriage. And you were only married 1.5 years. That should be the happiest time of your marriage in the honeymoon phase. And you’re right. If she had wanted to change for you, she would have before now. She didn’t think she had to beca…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/25 06:34 PM
3

Yeah, I feel that. Especially the complete lack of honesty or remorse. I can let that go and forgive her for it, but that doesn’t mean we’ll be friends or that I have to trust her or tolerate future BS.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/25 04:39 PM
2

You’re a good man and a good father, and I’m glad you’re finding peace. Just remember to take care of yourself too. You also want to model healthy boundary setting for your daughter.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/25 03:48 PM
12

On one hand, I want my STBX to find a decent guy, not the d-bag she’s been hooking up with behind my back, because I don’t want my kids exposed to a terrible human being. And I honestly don’t care anymore that she’s moved on because I don’t want her back anyway. On the flip side, if she wanted to invite her bf and his family members for my kids’ birthday parties after less than a year, I’d do a separate party. That’s a slap in the face. I’d have a lot more consideration for her if the roles were…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/25 01:58 PM
2

I’m actually grateful for my STBX cheating. Told me exactly what kind of person she is and made it easy to become completely indifferent toward her.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/25 02:54 AM
19

You want to give her something to think about? Call her bluff and have her served with divorce papers. The only power she has over you is the power you give her.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/25 02:46 AM
14

Two things: First, stop worrying about her. You don’t need her to suffer for you to have a great life. You will have to mentally train yourself out of the habit of thinking about her (let the thought happen but then redirect your mind to your purpose and goals), but it will become second nature. Second, I can almost guarantee you that things don’t work out great for her in the long run. Why? Because she’s still the same person and she will repeat the same destructive patterns. But again, who car…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/25 02:38 AM
2

Cake eating, pure and simple. She wants to divorce you, but she wants to keep you on the line for resources, safety net, or some other reason. Best of both worlds for her. She’s a lying, cheating, manipulative and selfish person and you need to protect yourself. Get a lawyer and gray rock her. When you interact, nothing but kids and logistics, and only if required. When she sees her charms aren’t working on you anymore, be prepared for it to get ugly.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/25 08:19 PM
4

If you know that you’re going to divorce, why bring it up at all? It’s hard, but your marriage is over and it’s time for you to grieve what you thought you had and start to move on. From now on, it’s only about you and your kids. If there’s a chance of infidelity helping you in the divorce process, collect any evidence.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/25 07:47 PM
6

Not trying to be a dick or kick you when you’re down, but sometimes bros need to give each other hard truth. You admit you were a bad husband for years. Then you move out for a year and had a good opportunity to change and be better and it still didn’t click. And now that she’s given up, you think making an effort for a few weeks, she should suddenly trust you again? Or did I misread what you wrote? If I were in your shoes, I’d tell her that I’m working on becoming a better man and husband, but …
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/25 03:16 PM
6

She’s lying and cheating. Protect yourself and your kids. You have to be the strong adult here for your kids. Start by making sure they feel safe and by talking to a lawyer to figure out your options. When she comes over, stay calm and collected. Don’t take the bait or react. Don’t try to inflict back on her any of the pain she’s given you. It won’t help or make you feel better in the long run.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/25 03:05 PM
7

My STBX is out hooking up while we’re cohabitating and I couldn’t care less because it’s all about me and our kids now. Don’t waste any time or energy thinking about what she’s doing. Water off a duck’s back. You specifically passed up splitting any assets so you wouldn’t be reminded of her, and now you’re thinking about trivial purchasing decisions she’s making. For your next post here, tell us about the cool things you’re doing for yourself or your kids. Share a win or two.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/25 02:56 PM
9

Not surprising at all that she’s out hooking up already, and it’s completely normal for this news to knock you down for a second. Just when you think you’ve adjusted, she’ll do something to throw you. Just gotta keep bouncing back. I can relate to your position. Married 17 years with two kids a few years older than yours. STBX told me she was done, and then a couple weeks later she got caught in the back of the new SUV I bought her (a week before she told me she was done) with a married man. She…
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/25 08:10 PM
3

STBX is so checked out (she thinks I don’t know, but she’s cheating) and not engaged with the kids beyond the basics. It’s opened the door for me to bond with them even more and we’re extremely close. That is probably the biggest positive in all of this is how this situation has brought me and my kids closer. Telling them about the divorce was very hard but they seemed to take it pretty well after their initial reaction. They’ve had a lot of questions, so I just continue to reassure them. I’ve g…
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/25 01:23 PM
9

I went from deeply attracted to her to disgust (based on her behavior/cheating) to apathy. It is so freeing not to be emotionally entangled with her anymore. Now I can’t wait until I’m financially unentangled.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/25 01:12 PM
3

Yeah, I get that. Mine are 12 and 10. I took my vows extremely seriously. When I said through thick and thin, I meant it even though I wasn’t happy for years. Plus, I’m a very hands-on dad and didn’t want to be apart from my kids. Divorce sucks as bad as they say it does, but I’m still relieved and looking forward to life on the other side.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/25 07:43 PM
1

I remember your first post and I’m glad it went as well as it could. It absolutely sucks that it took this to get her to take you seriously. There’s probably a lesson or two there for you to learn for any future partner. It will be a rollercoaster but you’ll get through it.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/25 07:16 PM
3

Kids made me try harder and for longer. But kids or not, when she’s done, she’s done. I have no regrets about the additional time I put in even though it screwed me financially, because my conscience is clean and I got that extra time with my kids, which is priceless.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/25 07:10 PM
2

Some friends and family supported me unconditionally - I trust them more than ever. Some friends supported me without picking sides - I respect that and we remain friends. Some “friends” took her side but then acted like they wanted to support me - I don’t do fake friends. They’re out. Some “friends” took her side completely - they’re gone from my life. Some “friends” just wanted to spectate and gossip - they’re gone.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/25 07:07 PM
10

Are you chasing happiness or are you pursuing purpose and connection? My wife cheated on me and dumped me like a piece of garbage. She is killing me financially in the divorce. BUT I have purpose. I live to serve Jesus, to be the best dad I can to my two kids, to succeed in my career, and to travel and see more of the world. I have connection. I have the best family and friends I could ask for. So despite everything I’ve lost, and as hard as this is, I’m happy. Find your purpose. Make friends. G…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/25 02:03 AM
1

Look, I’m not saying she’s an angel and I’m sure she’s a PITA to deal with, but I can feel the bitterness, anger and resistance coming through your words typed on a screen. She’s going to feel that even more and those emotions are only going make her dig in against you and you’re going to give her the satisfaction of seeing she’s getting under your skin. You’re into horses, so you know how important it is to have good energy around horses, especially the ones that are wound real tight. That’s wh…
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/25 11:41 AM
1

It sounds like your 10yo is really good at and loves softball. Ask her what she wants to do. If she wants to do travel softball, I’d find a way to get involved instead of complaining about her riding less. What does the parenting plan say about activities. Mine says she can’t force the kids to do activities during my parenting time that I don’t agree to. So, if you feel that strongly about it, she can ride during your time, but again, I’d leave it up to your daughter. About the birthday party, i…
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/25 03:47 AM
1

The biggest thing is you need is some friends. Marriage, especially with kids, can be really isolating for a man. Start working on meeting new people through a hobby, an MMA, boxing or CrossFit gym (whatever floats your boat), through church, etc. Also, do what you need to do to get this divorce done. Hanging in that limbo of separation without closure and the ability to move on does a number on you. I’m 2 months in and still under the same roof. She’s still seeing/talking to someone but I hones…
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/25 03:15 AM
4

If this was my friend saying this, I’d literally punch him to wake him up. No sex is that good. Take what you’ve written here and read it aloud to yourself in the mirror. If that won’t motivate you to make a change and dump this user, I don’t know what will.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/25 01:56 PM
5

I understand why you’d consider it. For me, it would be inconsistent with my values and who I want to be, and for that reason, it wouldn’t feel great afterward. Sort of like porn - it would temporarily scratch an itch but would leave me wanting and unfulfilled afterward. Setting aside my moral feelings on it, as humans, we were designed for relationship and connection. A transactional exchange like that wouldn’t be satisfying to me.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/25 10:12 AM
12

Living this situation now with my son (9) and daughter (11). Just told them about the divorce this weekend and they had lots of sad questions. I’m the one who researched how best to tell them, I’m the one who set of therapy sessions for them, I’m the one answering their questions. STBX is checked out and in the affair fog. But I won’t say a single negative word about her and we include her in my prayers with the kids every night. Can’t wait until we have a settlement agreement and we’re out from…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/25 03:37 AM
8

I’m living this myself right now. I get it sucks starting over. But you dropped that dead weight and you did it once. You can absolutely do it again. Don’t let future you down.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/25 03:30 AM
3

I’m only two months farther into this than you, but even though my STBX is breaking up our family, which is horribly sad, especially for our kids, I am already thankful for this situation for a few reasons. It takes really hard things in our life for us humans to make big, lasting changes. This is an opportunity for me to become stronger and more of the man I want to be. Also, I realized that I have a really good life overall. I’m blessed with a great job, good health, the best kids, awesome fri…
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/25 11:19 AM
3

I thought there couldn’t be anyone else either because when would she have time or opportunity to meet someone? There was nothing on the call or text logs. Turns out my STBX met a married cop when she dropped the kids off at school every day. They started talking, and then messaging with an app, and then hooking up in parking lots when she was out running errands. Get therapy and get in the gym. Both have been immensely helpful. Be the best dad you can be.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/25 11:08 AM
9

I don’t know your story, but I can tell you how it happened. Her conscience can’t handle being the bad guy in this, so she has created a story in her head as to how this is all your fault that she doesn’t love you and is choosing to break up a marriage and family. She dumps that on you to try to get you to leave the house. You compromise by taking the couch, plus you just want some space from her because this whole thing feels like a complete sucker punch. Here’s the deal. If she is telling the …
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/25 10:59 AM
9

Just no. You don’t want to be friends and she clearly was bad enough that your kid wants nothing to do with her. Let it go.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/25 03:28 AM
1

Not social media, but my STBX has told anyone who will listen how I just never made her happy and she needs to leave to find herself. She’s conveniently left out the married POS she was having an affair with. The people who matter to me know the truth, and the rest don’t matter. You need to stop stewing in self-pity, stop letting her manipulate you with sex, and cut her out of your life. The problem isn’t her. You’re doing all of this to yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/25 03:26 AM
17

Based on what your wife told you, she is done and there’s no changing her mind. I’d be willing to bet big money there’s someone else behind the scenes. Regardless, why are you sleeping on the couch? She’s the one who dumps you and you have to take one for the team? This is the time for you to set boundaries and be strong or she will walk all over you in the divorce. My STBX told me basically the same thing two months ago. I took her at her word and had an attorney within days. She tried to sleep…
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/25 03:17 AM
2

Q1: What do I tell CLOSE family/friends? My family and my good friends know she cheated because they get the truth from me. Her family and friends, I don’t care what they know or think and I don’t need the drama. Mutual friends, a couple know the truth, but most don’t. I don’t need to run my mouth for validation. I don’t hate my STBX or wish bad on her or feel the need to blow up her life despite how she treated me. I’ll be just fine whatever happens to her. Q2: What do I tell women I might date…
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 12:12 AM
2

My STBX told me she was done and wanted a divorce, but has done almost nothing to advance it other than to have an affair. But I took her at her word, and the divorce is happening, even if I have to do it all. The conflict will only get worse and she will only get more selfish and manipulative. Start the ball rolling and move quickly and in the meantime, protect yourself with a voice activated recorder (VAR) and any other means necessary.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/25 03:33 PM
1

The unfairness of it all will crush you with bitterness if you let it. Find a place to get it out, whether therapy, friends or here, and then get back to being the man you are, the man your kids and those around you need. Find the honor in being that man despite the unfairness.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/25 03:29 PM
2

Really, really well written. You’ve clearly been putting in the work. I don’t think you need to share that letter with your ex at all. I think writing that letter and sharing it with us, men who understand what you experienced, will give you what you’re looking for.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/25 03:23 PM
1

This is a legal issue and your questions are legal questions. It sounds like you don’t have a good lawyer who can advocate for you or you wouldn’t be asking these questions here. Start by getting a good lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/25 02:01 AM
6

Been cohabitating for about 6 weeks. I kicked her to the guest bedroom after the first night. She’s already pursuing a married man, and things are barely civil. I carry a VAR on me at all times and I go into work most days, even though I can work remotely, to avoid being around her as much as possible. I only speak to her when I have to about the kids or scheduling.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/25 02:05 AM
7

Good message. The only thing I disagree with is that it isn’t her fault. We’re all responsible for our own behavior, regardless of what has happened to us in the past.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/25 01:54 AM
6

No, you don’t do a whole date night to tell her you’re leaving her. It will feel like an ambush to her, and I can’t even imagine how awkward that dinner would be. When you’re delivering difficult news like this, you should be sensitive, but you should be direct and get to the point. If you need a script, it’s not simple and direct enough. Basically tell her what you told us here.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/25 01:23 PM
11

In my case, she won’t quite become a millionaire overnight, but it’ll be close. I don’t know if you can relate, but my STBX had a very cushy life as a SAHM to kids in school, and with a lack of purpose, idle hands started doing the devil’s work. I too would have sacrificed a lot to make it work, but an affair with a married man killed whatever I had left for her. We’re in settlement negotiations and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. The best part is how she truly believes she’s entitled to everyth…
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 11:24 PM
3

As I prepare to move from my nice, almost paid-off house to an apartment, I’m getting to practice what I preach! I don’t want to minimize how bad this sucks living under the same roof right now with someone who can’t stand me, throwing money at lawyers, and watching a cheater walk away with a boatload of money I slaved for to provide a good life BUT I’ll get through it and I’ve got a ton going for me. I’m thankful for the opportunity and motivation to become better and stronger and for a shot at…
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 10:55 PM
4

I know it’s not the answer you want, but it’s just going to take time, and some guys need longer than others to bounce back better than before. You’re doing the right things - just gotta stick with the process and try some new things if something you’re doing isn’t working. Personally, I think the dancing thing is cool, and I plan to go back to taking lessons when some time frees up. Maybe find a high school or college kid you can pay peanuts to handle your business socials.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 08:50 PM
1

When someone is that deeply unhappy with themselves, there’s not much you can do. I’m sorry and hope you’re able to bounce back with the help of your awesome family.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 08:39 PM
17

Of course your ex is going to come out of the gate hot, but you’re playing the long game and you’ll be great. I’ve got a few recommendations for you. First, stop comparing yourself to your ex or anyone else. Block her on social media and minimize contact. You’re only going to see and hear what she wants you to, which is the good stuff. And you don’t need her to fall on her face for you to succeed anyway. Just put that dead weight down. Second, it sounds cheesy, but practice gratitude. It’s all a…
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 08:33 PM
1

I’d tell her that she’s free to work wherever she wants, but you can’t agree to any custody arrangement where she takes your son more than 50 miles away. If she wants to move farther than that (or whatever the standard is in TX), then you have primary custody and she can travel back to see him on an agreed schedule on her dime. How does she see custody working if her job isn’t close?
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/25 09:44 PM
2

She married me for my financial security and status, but forgot to mention that to me until 17 years later.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/25 11:30 AM
8

Only one potentially successful strategy in this common situation: 1. Minimize contact. 2. Do not engage when she wants to blame shift or avoid responsibility. 3. Maintain calm neutrality. 4. Do not attempt to save her from her own consequences.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 09:54 PM
4

I haven’t started dating yet, but when I do I’m going to be a lot more critical of what they say, but more importantly, what they do.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 09:31 PM
9

I’d get a chuckle in your shoes too. My STBX is doing her best to grenade her life right now, but we have young kids together, so I am not amused.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 11:52 AM
15

You know what’s the best part of no longer being married to her? You don’t have to care about her opinion anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/25 07:23 PM
1

I wasn’t, but she sure was.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 11:31 PM
1

It sounds like you’re handling this well. Didn’t fight her on it. Accepted it and took action, but kept it amicable. Do you have any interest in trying to salvage the marriage if she changed her mind and wanted to go all in on working on her/your issues?
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 08:30 PM
2

Yeah, it’s going to be hard, probably one of the hardest things you ever have to do. - Take your emotions and feelings of betrayal out of it. Make it about your kids, not you. - There are lots of articles and resources online to help you put together a script that is age appropriate. This is not a conversation you want to wing by the seat of your pants. - Get agreement from your STBX on the messaging in advance and do it together. - Don’t throw her under the bus or say anything negative about he…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 04:11 PM
7

OP, this is all spot on. Read it twice. Then read it again. Then get started putting one foot in front of the other toward your new life. Here’s what I recommend for first steps: Mourn your loss. Let those feelings out. Cry if you need to, just never in front of her. Grieve it and accept it. Sit your wife down and tell her you accept the fact that she’s done with the relationship and that you would like to move forward with the divorce process as soon as possible so that you can move on too. Tel…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 03:32 PM
2

Just be straight with her. Don’t beat around the bush. Tell her you want a divorce and here’s why. And even if you’ve already moved on in your head, be sensitive to the fact that this probably will be unexpected for her, so don’t be callous or cruel about it. Unless she’s an abusive witch, in which case, tell her in a public place or record the conversation.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 03:12 PM
3

This is great advice. I bet a lot of us guys get sucked into the trap of allowing our wives to dictate our social network at the cost of our existing friendships. Fortunately, I’ve got a good mix of old and new friends who have embraced me in all of this. I like what you said about being proactive. I was too passive in my friendships before. Now, I’m actively setting things up, checking in with them, sending random funny texts, etc. and taking the first step to be really vulnerable and it’s amaz…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 03:08 PM
3

It will get easier once you’re not living under the same roof, but you can make good changes for yourself now. Eating better is a good start. Maybe you start walking a few miles 5 days a week. Maybe that turns into getting to the gym to lift weights (it’s unreal what lifting heavy things will do for your mood). Maybe you start finding some books that will help you grow. Or you pick a hobby back up that you dropped to spend more time with your ex. This doesn’t all have to happen at once. Ultimate…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 02:09 PM
3

They show you where to focus your energy and resources and the mindset you need to have as a man to be successful in relationships and in general and once you’re in that position/mindset how to weed out the good women from all the future dumpster fires out there. If you read them and don’t think they’re worthwhile, DM me and I’ll reimburse you what you paid for them.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 02:05 PM
4

Before you do anything, read two books by Shawn Smith: Gatekeeper and The Tactical Guide to Women.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 03:42 AM
8

I let myself get baited into an ugly fight a few nights ago and I felt like utter crap afterward. That feeling just tells you that you’re a decent human and gives you motivation not to get sucked in next time. How are you taking care of yourself besides therapy? Working out, hobbies/interests, eating healthy, finding a new purpose?
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 03:39 AM
2

Fire away
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/25 05:11 PM
1

I get that you’re a loyal guy, but you’re getting abused here and you’re the only one trying. And she makes more than you, you have no kids, and no mortgage/house to divide, so what’s the downside here?
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/25 01:29 AM
5

The same was important for me too. Even after all that, I stuck around and tried to make it work until she told me she was done. I can leave with a clean conscience and build back better, free of that dead weight, and she can find out just how green the grass is on the other side. She’s already off to a fantastic start and we’re not even officially divorced yet haha.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/25 01:23 AM
1

Get a lawyer now to figure out the right strategy for you and to answer your questions. She’s almost certainly cheating. If it will help you in a divorce, hire a PI to get evidence of it.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 09:47 PM
2

Yep, the real battle for me is alimony. We’ll find out how bad she’s looking to screw me.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 09:37 PM
7

Sleeping next to a woman with zero attraction or connection to you? I know that feeling well. Not sustainable. Pull the plug and one of you needs to find a different room to sleep in. My wife told me she was done with our marriage and then had the nerve to sleep next to me in the same bed that night. The next day, I told her she was moving to the guest room upstairs. She initially tried to fight me on that but quickly realized that was not a battle she was going to win. Looking forward to being …
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 09:35 PM
5

Hope you can avoid the unnecessary years of pain I and others have put ourselves through. My values and commitment will never overcome her biology and character.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 05:53 PM
1

Figure out if there are any alimony consequences if you remain married to her longer than 5 years. If so, get out now. You should probably get out now anyway because she doesnt respect you or love you. No matter what she says, pay attention to her actions.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 05:09 PM
16

I was at a similar crossroads 5 years ago. She was very checked out and cold toward me. I was very patient with her, as hard as it was. We separated for about 5 months. I should have just ended it then, but she had done a lot of work on herself and wanted to try to make it work. For the first few years, things were great. Then they eventually went back to where they were before, and now we’re working through a divorce. I was a death-do-us-part kind of guy and would have done anything to try to s…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 04:51 PM
8

My STBX had a very inflated view of how much she did as a SAHM and a very narrow view of what I did on top of a stressful job with long hours. There were times where she would be out of town for up to a week and I had no problem handling my job plus all the home/kid stuff. It’s a lot of work being a good SAH parent, but it’s still a lot easier and more rewarding than a stressful job working for the man. C’est la vie. Now she gets to find that out firsthand.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 02:18 PM
2

She’s done some things this week to make this more acrimonious. It remains to be seen how reasonable she’ll be now. I’m prepared to burn all of our substantial assets on attorney fees if she wants to be unreasonable, but I’m unwilling to hurt our kids. If you had to do it all over again, would you sacrifice the money for the kids’ wellbeing?
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 01:43 PM
2

No doubt. All depends if I can get her to take a cash offer upfront that I can live with. If so, I’ll be happy to be done with it even if she remarries or cohabitates quickly. She’d probably just milk it out anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 01:33 PM
1

Cheaper? Maybe in the short term. Long term, the amount I’ll be able to save and my ability to make more money will more than balance it out. Plus, what’s my health worth? My peace of mind? The toxic relationship we’re modeling for our kids (my kids are 9 and 11)? Either throw yourself into working on your marriage 100% or end it.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 01:30 PM
5

We’re in a very similar boat. Married 17 years, my income is a little more than yours, we have about $1 million in marital assets to split, and my STBX is an elementary teacher by profession but SAHM for the last 11 years. The only upside is that I’m not in CA. My biggest recommendation would be to try to reach an agreement with her on asset split, custody etc. before taking it to an attorney to file and get the necessary orders. Tell her that the more you spend on attorneys, that’s less for her…
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 07:12 PM
3

My STBX has several very close friends all the way back from elementary school. She still dropped my like a bad habit with no notice with the same stone cold, dead eyes that OP’s wife had. What you say is definitely a red flag, but there are no guarantees.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 07:01 PM
2

Honestly, that clarity helped me move through a couple of the stages of grief a lot faster.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 02:42 AM
2

It was likely a bittersweet and anticlimactic moment, but congrats on one big step forward to your new life.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 12:24 AM
4

Your marriage is done. Listen to what your wife is saying and see what she’s doing and believe her. There is no way to beg her back or nice her back. Stop conceding to her. Disengage from her and get a good lawyer immediately to figure out the best plan forward for you and your kids. My STBX wife had the delusion that we would keep the house for the kids. Ain’t happening.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 12:20 AM
1

Usually, it’s the woman in your shoes with limited access to finances in a divorce. Your wife’s income and any assets derived during the marriage are marital property and you have a right to them and your attorneys fees will be taken from that pot. There are attorneys who will take your case without an upfront retainer. You can file a contested at fault divorce based on your wife’s infidelity, but that may be better used as leverage because it’s more expensive and takes longer. Much better if yo…
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 06:49 PM
1

All the best to you and your daughters. You’re a good dad and it’s easy to get stuck dealing with this crap sandwich we’ve been handed. It sucks hard and sometimes we just need a push. You’ve got this.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 02:10 PM
9

When she told me she was done, it was no surprise because I was dead last in her priorities. She has a lot of issues to work through and she’s just sort of hanging on and isn’t really present in her own life. It’s hard to witness because she’s not even able to be the mom she used to be to our kids. It’s all about her right now and she’s not living in reality. I’m done being used and I’m moving on but I hope she gets the help she needs and wakes up so at least she can be the mom our kids need.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 02:03 PM
4

Gonna give you some tough love here brother. You’re making this about the divorce, which is what’s creating the conflict with your ex. The divorce is done. It’s in the past. Let it go and stop trying to assign blame to anyone for your sake and for your ability to effectively co-parent your daughter. You don’t have a solution? Find an expert who does. There are plenty of good child therapists out there who can help find solutions if you truly can’t come up with one yourself. It sucks that your wi…
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 03:37 AM
4

No, my ex is learning real quick that she no longer has the same access to me and my support. She told me that she was done with me, but thought we’d be even better friends in the future. I let her know immediately that I’m not friends with anyone I don’t trust and any courtesy I extend to her at this point is because she’s the mother of our children. I gave her everything I had for 20 years. That wasn’t enough for her, so now I’m moving on. Boundaries aren’t set with words. They’re set with act…
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 03:25 AM
2

The other person does not have to respect your boundaries. You do. When they try to cross the line, you respond accordingly. There’s no talking about it. Boundary crossed, consequences occur.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 03:15 AM
10

I think they’re few and far between. I’m not going to say never, but absolutely not looking to get married again. If I ever did, it would only be with a financially independent woman and it would be with a pre-nup.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 03:09 AM
3

First thing about the separation that STBX brought up was that she wanted me to take the pets. I guess she wants to be free. It’ll be a challenge since I travel a fair amount, but I’m glad to have the dog and cat and my place will feel more like home for the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/25 09:55 PM
2

Awesome. Yeah, I have a great therapist who helped me work through some nasty stuff from my childhood. And she’s been a huge help now processing through the rollercoaster and making good decisions.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/25 12:41 AM
2

Adultery can be grounds for an at fault divorce in Texas, which may impact property division. If it’s a no fault divorce, it doesn’t matter.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/25 12:31 PM
3

STBX had at least an emotional affair. I could have dug more to find out if there was more, but it doesn’t really matter at this point. I’m okay paying child support and co-parenting with her, but I just want everything else behind me. Are you doing anything for yourself to help process those feelings?
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/25 12:22 PM
1

That was certainly the case in my marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/25 02:17 AM
3

Love notes, cards are already trashed. Framed pictures, albums, anything with her in it, she can have them or trash. If there are any of her with the kids or family pictures the kids want to keep for their rooms, cool. Digital pics can stay in the cloud. Otherwise, I’m not a pack rat and having pics of her up in my new place doesn’t look like moving on.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/25 02:14 AM
1

My two kids are 9 and 11. This is an incredible time in their lives. Old enough to really have fun with but young enough they still want to be with me all the time. Nothing would make me want to give up a second of time with them. If a relationship will force me to choose, it’s not the right relationship for me. Sounds like you were lonely, found an awesome lady, and didn’t really think this one all the way through. Either you were clear with your wife that long distance was how it would have to…
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 09:26 PM
3

Yeah, I’m finding that it’s my previously divorced buddies who are the best support. They know what to say, what not to say, and they give hard-won advice.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 08:28 PM
5

I’ve leaned on a few close friends, and honestly don’t know where I’d be without them. I’m in the thick of it now, but would be glad to be a part of a community of guys showing up for each other as we try to survive, heal, improve.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 07:50 PM
2

It seems that there’s a fairly predictable pattern here, which is sad in a way, but also freeing because it makes it easier to realize it’s not about me.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 07:03 PM
3

Already doing therapy for myself and it’s helped big time. I’m doing everything I can to take care of myself and my kids as we move through this process to the other side.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 07:00 PM
3

I ignored those red flags too because she seemed like such a genuinely sweet and selfless person. But mid-life / peri-menopause, tragedy, insecurities, messaging from social media and shallow friends, and self-rationalization have turned her into a person I don’t recognize.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 06:59 PM
5

Yeah, no resentment for unmet expectations. No weight of her unhappiness. And feeling less lonely on my own than I was together with her.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 01:58 AM
3

Why are you giving any weight to anything she says? Don’t waste any more time, thought, or energy on her.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 11:47 AM
3

I feel this. Now I’m just focused on being the stable presence for my kids.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 10:52 AM
5

Glad to hear it brother. It’s amazing what life can be like when we own our own peace and fulfillment.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 10:47 AM
11

Yeah, we’re waking up from the same nightmare. Her cowardice and dishonesty took advantage of my loyalty for years. She tried to tell me I wouldn’t be where I am today without her and I just laughed at her. I’m just hoping I don’t have to keep funding her user ways with alimony any longer than I have to, but regardless better off without her. Stay strong brother and let’s appreciate the time we have left.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/25 11:47 PM
1

My STBX became progressively more selfish at the end of our marriage, but I remained willing to work on things for the sake of the family and our kids. However, my STBX like the exes of many here, took that decision out of my hands. I’m sad that soon I will not see my kids every day, but I am excited to parent from a much better place personally. Don’t underestimate how much being tied to a miserable, selfish person affects your daily parenting.
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/25 04:55 PM
1

By taking care of yourself, dressing well, and being confident and fun to be around. I did fine when I was younger, but I get way more attention from the ladies now in my 40s, including women in their 20s. My divorce isn’t done yet and I have zero desire to date for a while, but it’s there when I’m ready. My STBX broke my heart, but I’ll be damned if she changes who I am or my confidence in myself.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 10:05 PM
2

This. Don’t go to your still married friends for advice. With rare exceptions, it’s the absolute worst in this situation. Previously divorced guys will adopt you very quickly and take you under their wing.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 07:56 PM
2

Came here to say this, but not nearly as well as this was written. OP, it’s in your original post - you don’t have purpose or connection. Find it. Your life - literally and metaphorically - depends on it.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 06:59 PM
2

You already answered your own question. Whether you’re in a relationship or not, you need some good guy friends. Dudes that will call you out on your crap but also be there to help you no questions asked. You absolutely need this before getting into another relationship. Make that a priority and put yourself out there. The gym is great, but it’s a very solo experience most of the time. One of the easiest ways for guys to make friends is working out, playing sports or suffering together. Join a C…
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 03:36 PM
3

Get a lawyer and get the divorce process moving. Don’t leave the house no matter how miserable she tries to make it. Focus on you and the kids and engage her as little as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 03:26 PM
3

I’m 3 weeks into a very similar journey. First, get a good lawyer now. This doesn’t sound like it’s going to go amicably and you need to protect yourself. Take your lawyer’s advice about separating finances. When my STBX told me the same thing, even though it broke my heart, I accepted it and immediately started talking to her about what happens next. She finds a job. If she doesn’t get a job, the courts will impute an income that she is capable of earning. We are selling the house. She tried to…
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 03:25 PM
3

Also, she doesn’t love you and she doesn’t care about you. Pay attention to her actions, not her words. She’s only saying those things to help herself feel better about what she’s doing to you and your family.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 03:13 PM
3

Your story is not unique. Most of us have been through this or are going through it now. You are hurting and confused. Your wife is not. She is done with you and any attempts to beg, woo, or win her back with acts of service are not only futile, they will make her resent you more. If she’s not already banging another dude, she knows who she wants to. You need to catch up to where she’s at. That means taking a couple days to grieve the loss of the marriage you thought you had (don’t let her see y…
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 03:11 PM
3

STBX proposed a nesting arrangement when she told me she wanted a divorce. I’m all about doing what’s best for our kids, but I shot the idea down immediately. I wouldn’t be able to move on and would be miserable in that arrangement, which would trickle over to the kids. Unless I had a child with special needs, I wouldn’t consider it. Better to suck it up now and rip the bandaid off.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/25 10:42 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

© TheRedArchive 2026. All rights reserved.
created by /u/dream-hunter