So, today I did something I probably shouldn't have. I went back to when I found out she cheated in 2023 and read our texts.

Thousands of texts.

I wanted to see what was going through my mind back then and what I saw was... I cried.

The violence. After she admitted she went into a dangerous pattern of self medicating and drinking.

I had sent her pictures of what she did to me. Graphic pics of her violence.

She bit a chunk of flesh off my arm. Cut my face when she chucked keys at me. Called me names. Said that me having panic attacks (due to her behavior when she was having affairs) was pathetic.

I have countless pics even on my phone that I forgot I had. Cuts. Bruises. And multiple times where she bit me.

WHY DID I STAY!!!!

She even at this time was cutting herself and even tried to swallow an entire bottle of zoloft. I had to make her spit it out.

texts from her where she admits she lost her mind. Shed even accused me of rape and then would say she isnt all there and needs to be committed. Then followed by pornographic pics that would make an adult film star blush.

Going from hating me, to calling me daddy. To saying she cant do this, to sending me a pic of her fully spread eagle.

I literally blocked these items from my memory.

And then the countless lies. Over and over. She never stopped. Then shed blame me. Then herself. Then sex pics.

This situation goes further than infidelity.

And yet... I ride these waves still where I blame myself. For not leaving. For not fixing this marriage.

I feel like some days im doing so good. And then this happens and I sit back and cry.

Just needed to vent because I even called one of my best friends and he snapped at me for acting like I was the only one with issues. Felt so lost.

End of rant