I've posted on here before and I'm moving forward with the divorce, but I need help understanding this. This is a little discombobulated taken from notes to a therapist.

Shortest version I can muster: 43M 40 F. We've been married 8 years. 2 kids. I have asked her to go by my name every year since we got married and she refuses. Gives me a story about being 9yo and loving her name and very juvenile reasoning. I've explained that I feel it disrespects me and goes against our faith. She's been a SAHM for 6 years. 3 years ago I asked her to go back to work. she agreed to start looking but we had another kid right after that. understandable. I asked her to go back to work in April 2025 and it caused a big fight where she insinuated divorce by saying "do what's best for the kids" "be flexible" "life throws you curve balls" etc. Twice over the summer we had conversations and she just grabbed the car keys and left for extended hours rather than resolve issues. In the Fall I asked her again to go back to work. Same outcome as before referencing divorce without saying it. In Nov on a trip she bailed from the hotel in the car with no mention of returning or getting through the issues. When we returned from the trip I asked her to explain why she had left 4 times in the past few months like that. The conversation went into the things I wished to change in the relationship: 1. Take my last name publicly and proudly. 2. Go back to work. 3. Put kids in childcare. 4. Combine finances. 5. Have more sex (as she holds it as a weapon or a treat). 6. Stop engaging in what I feel is New Age Teachings. The same topic was brought up hinting at divorce. we had the same conversations many times over the coming weeks. In one instance she said "I'll never make you happy, you should find someone else" In the next she said I want sex too much (we go weeks without it) and said I should buy a masturbation toy. I tried to connect with her and she was distant. Asked her to spend more time with me doing things and she said no. Then she said if she went back to work FT I would hire someone to clean the house bc she refused to work and have to clean. We went to a concert together and the night of the concert I had the worst panic attack of my life. I shook her and said something was going on and I needed her. She said "go to sleep". I wailed like a baby on the floor in the hotel room and prayed to God about my marriage. The next morning I mentioned that I needed her in a bad way the night before. She said "yea I heard you".... Later she said she thought that I just wanted sex, but there's no way she interpreted that IMO. A few days later I was feeling like we needed some connection and asked her to have sex. She said no. I was begging for physical intimacy and she looked right at me and walked away. That broke my heart. I spent the holidays in robot mode just numb. For 3 weeks I barely spoke to her and didn't touch her. We had a couples counseling session and I really broke down during the session and when it came her time to rebut my experience from the past year I was completely invalidated and she went on to talk about the job she left 6 years ago. I feel like she checked out over a year ago, and feel that she is pushing me to be the one to make a divorce happen, as she doesn't want to be the one to say it and that she can claim victim. I have talked to an attorney and started the paperwork. I've struggled with leaving due to my faith, but I have soul searched for all the right answers. I know I am making the right decision. She has refused to go to therapy for issues I think affected our relationship for years. I asked many times over the years to explore postpartum, workplace PTSD, childhood trauma and possible sex therapy. She states there's nothing wrong with her and refuses to even investigate. In our last conversation about therapy I told her I had been reading everything I can to try and figure out how we can relate better. She turned it on me saying that something must be wrong with me. We had a date night a few weeks ago and that weekend was really good. The Monday after we were hanging out and all of a sudden she started spacing out and was acting super weird. The whole ordeal was an hour, but it's the most uneasy I have felt in the entire relationship. I mean, it was Bananaland Bizarre .... The next day I tried to chat her up throughout the day and sent pictures of her saying what I liked about it. That night I got home and tried to flirt with her by poking her bottom with a belt. Not in a mean way or even a strike, literally just poked her with a wadded up belt in a ball on the booty. She turned around and said "don't you ever fucking touch me with a belt again" I was like, whoa I was just playing and trying to flirt. Then she proceeded to rip me apart to the point where I was crying. She asked why I was crying and I said I want to have fun with my wife and don't want to live on eggshells the rest of my life. That I didn't want to be 1- 3- or 6- years down the road still living like we were living. It's been brutal... It's like she wants me to run away and there's no desire for me at all in the relationship other than being the person that covers rent an utilities. I've slept on the couch the last few nights. I'm at a loss as to how we got to this point. I understand the roommate phase, but this is like a complete discard of me to the point where I've questioned my worth and my ability to be loved. I've always been a happy person but I feel defeated and not valued whatsoever.

How did we get here is what I keep asking?