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pegleg_legal Archive

View 34 posts and 2,610 comments by pegleg_legal on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men18/05/22 06:35 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men14/07/21 03:57 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men22/02/22 02:09 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 08:34 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 09:40 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men20/09/21 09:05 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 12:52 PM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men13/12/21 03:00 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men22/07/21 09:01 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men01/07/21 02:35 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men11/02/22 02:04 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men25/01/22 01:26 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men15/12/21 03:15 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men25/07/21 04:55 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men20/07/22 03:44 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men30/07/21 02:04 PM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men09/08/21 02:18 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men04/08/21 05:34 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men21/07/22 01:26 PM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men24/09/21 01:28 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men23/07/21 12:52 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men24/11/21 03:47 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men29/12/21 09:35 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men20/07/21 04:06 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men09/11/21 02:31 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men20/12/21 03:06 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men22/02/22 07:11 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men17/03/22 05:23 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men16/11/21 10:38 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men21/06/21 02:28 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men11/06/21 04:25 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men15/07/21 07:43 AM
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pegleg_legal/r/Divorce_Men13/08/21 05:35 AM
Showing the 1,000 most recent of 2,610 comments.
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
0

Oh, you thought you were investing in a divorce? It's a zero sum game, how can the net value increase? How can you get an ROI on a divorce? You also charge for your services and make a profit. By your logic I should get your services for free because I shouldn't have to go to engineering school to get engineering work. What help do you want? Just let you kick the profession around? Have at, if it makes you feel better.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/22 04:50 AM
-1

So you got your divorce, but it came in late and over budget. Sounds a lot like engineering firms.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/22 02:39 AM
-2

Let me guess, you're in manufacturing? lol ... no legal fee is necessary - then how come you couldn't handle shit with your ex?
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/22 02:34 AM
2

because my ex wife was just aweful to deal with those sound like necessary legal fees
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/22 02:24 AM
1

When was the last time you went on the offensive?
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/22 03:49 AM
6

From what I've seen, it doesn't make it easier in the beginning but it accelerates the grieving process because it's much harder to get stuck on any kind of reconciliation track. People don't change and it's hard for anyone to get over that and rebuild any kind of workable marriage unless the guy is willing to let her bang whoever she wants whenever she wants.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/22 02:42 AM
1

Do either of you have a lawyer?
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/22 02:39 AM
2

What I would do: Leverage any guilt she may have to get a good settlement and GTFO before she wakes up and gets greedy.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/22 01:36 AM
6

Yeah, this shock and awe first strike shit is devastating emotionally, legally - they're hoping you break before you can regroup and fight back. Time to launch your insurgency.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/22 08:53 AM
3

Here's something I wrote a while back that was well-received by our community, hope it is helpful for you: https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/us6mw3/8_mistakes_men_should_avoid_during_divorce/
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/22 08:49 AM
1

Holy options: https://www.henleyglobal.com/citizenship-investment https://www.henleyglobal.com/residence-investment
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/22 08:08 AM
1

You're a lucky man. Kudos to her.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 12:46 PM
2

Post-decree house sales where one party becomes a tenant are almost invariably a colossal mess, even when the divorce is "amicable". Think very carefully about all the terms you'll need to have in there so there's nothing to dispute when it's time to list, time to show, time to close, time to split the money, time to deal with any post-sale problems.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 12:42 PM
6

In divorce and litigation generally, the first person to behave reasonably and rationally - loses.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 11:11 AM
5

If you're going to hire a lawyer, it simply must be a lawyer who has substantial experience in family law. The sidebar is, well, not gospel but makes some very solid points. Good family lawyers are difficult to find because, yes, family law is where no lawyer really wants to be but a lot of them end up because it's decent money and doesn't require that much technical legal skill.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 11:03 AM
1

As you wish!
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 07:09 AM
-1

Well, presumably you have to allege facts and you have to include a prayer for relief. But maybe the common law has changed drastically in the last 500 years.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 05:42 AM
1

Generally, it's harder to modify from sole to sole or sole to joint than it is to modify parenting time and whatnot. What does your new wife think of this?
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 05:40 AM
2

lol ... you married that materialistic, financially irresponsible person - there's a tax for that.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 05:36 AM
3

If there's any complexity to your financial matters, you won't get the same result doing it yourself that a lawyer will achieve for you. Don't kid yourself. You may be in MENSA but it's experience that counts. The time you would need to dedicate to this to achieve a similar result would be many 100s of hours that may be better spent elsewhere, not sure how your time is linked to your income. And that's in an amicable divorce. She's lawyering up, if you don't, time to invest in the cleaners, beca…
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 05:35 AM
1

is unlikely to work and become contentious very quickly Did you ask them how far 20 hours would get you? 20 hours ain't much in a contested divorce. 100 hours is starting to approach something towards "normal" for a mildly contested case. The worst thing you can do, if you think you'll need lawyers, is hamstring them with a shitty divorce petition you drafted yourself to save some upfront cash layout. The very definition of penny wise pound foolish.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 05:31 AM
7

*Good lawyer
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 05:27 AM
6

ouch ...
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 05:25 AM
10

What do you mean by "you own the home" - did you buy it before you got married and have a prenup saying it is yours? In terms of custody overall, depending on the ages of the kids, the primary factor in most jurisdictions for determining who gets custody or a larger portion of parenting time in joint custody situations is: who has historically been the primary caregiver. As for your tremendous financial power within the family, that doesn't matter. That's what alimony and child support are for.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 05:25 AM
40

You can expect her to fight like hell for more than what is fair, wear you down, weaponize the children, take unreasonable and irrational positions on everything, try to expel you from your house, break your shit, run up debt, spend stupid amounts of money to try to establish that as a pattern upon which to base her ridiculous alimony claim, turn your friends against you, damage your career, falsely accuse you of all manner of abuses, fall under the emotional control of her lawyer who will run u…
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 05:19 AM
3

Almost all witnesses have some bias. Courts will evaluate the weight of their testimony in light of such bias. An eye witness, for example, will likely be valuable to the court despite any bias, and because a witness will be subject to cross examination, their credibility may hold up. Ideally, there will be some cctv or another witness who can corroborate any testimony. But we play with the cards we're dealt. If you don't have a lawyer for this, your witnesses can easily be turned against you, t…
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 04:48 AM
3

Doesn't she have email?
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/22 04:17 AM
2

The bar association for your county (or big city) should have a family law committee with it's leaders listed on their website. That'd be a starting point for high quality lawyers. After that it depends on your case. Ideally, you want someone settlement minded who has no fear to bang it out in court.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 11:35 AM
6

Okie, you got the kids. Phew. You're in a way better position than many! Not easy, but hug them kiddos. You can do this.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 11:32 AM
8

EDIT: hold up do you have the kids or she's got them in Utah? Do you have an indication whether she's going to file there or file wherever you are now? Not sure which country you're in but the habitual residence of your kids is probably where you're stationed so if she runs off, you've got typically a year to file a petition under the Hague Convention on Child Abduction. U.S. Courts are really good about returning kids. So if that's a concern, grab a local lawyer and understand your rights. Most…
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 10:48 AM
2

Z needs a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 04:41 AM
1

I would force the sale and buy her out of alimony, unless it's going to be non-modifiable alimony over a short period - which doesn't seem to be your case.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 04:41 AM
3

Scream therapy did it for me. Unfortunately it was a few years after the divorce that I found out about it, accidentally. Some bullshit issue came up while i was driving and I kept my cool but was so angry. As soon as we were done talking, I screamed at the top of my lungs everything I wanted to say about that particular issue. Then it just kept pouring out of me. Anyone in earshot must have thought I was nuts. Then it just stopped. And I felt, I don't know. A euphoria. It didn't matter that she…
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 04:37 AM
2

Fight back hard, under the law. While you're attorney's away, go back through emails and texts to create a detailed timeline of the events that establish a pattern of "no fucking problem and she even leaned on me for extra time" so you can show what happened and how this came out of nowhere.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 04:33 AM
4

50/50 on a regular schedule can be fucking fantastic for career, hobbies, social life, whatever it is that you want to do. We become so dependent on our full time family that when that free time opens up, we either grab it or sulk. Try grabbing it, you won't regret it.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 04:30 AM
4

Yeah bro, don't emotionally invest in that shit until you're ready and everything settles.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 04:28 AM
5

Not at all. You should be accommodating for special events that the kids will be expected to attend on your visitation, if that's not abused, and ensure the kids can have a good relationship with them. You are not your kids, you don't need to have a relationship with them. That said, I know a lot of couples where the ex inlaws continued to get on famously with the spouse. But there should be zero obligation or expectation.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 04:27 AM
1

Seems like we're lacking of a common understanding as to the course of the discussion. Cheers!
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 04:23 AM
1

I feel sorry for anyone who's married to an attorney, including my ex wife. :D The world of legal ethics is not known to most clients, which is why these "cost saving" tactics and "shortcuts" end up costing more.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 04:22 AM
2

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine this loss. Take your time, brother.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 04:20 AM
2

It's almost always the mothers who weaponize the children. The supposed caregivers and caretakers. Who in the end, give zero fucks about their children's emotional and mental well being. It's fucking bizarre and in over a decade of practice and with my own experience, can't figure it out. It's like the nurturer is a myth beyond the early years.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 04:17 AM
1

This is a very common form of alienation/weaponization/etc. one parent will make the kids feel that their accommodation and time is more comfortable, fun, full of toys, activities, etc., in an attempt to dissuade the kids from spending time with the other parent. Frankly, these details could have been included in the temporaries. But if they weren't, then you'll probably need to buy your way back into the game. But so long as they know their mother is the one taking their things away from them, …
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 04:15 AM
2

Yes, lawyers are prohibited from directly communicating with the opposing party without permission of the opposing party's lawyer, and then, only as the the matters the opposing party's lawyer specifically consents to. But even that is rare. OP will pay more than 300 dollars for the blowback from directly contacting opposing counsel than having his lawyer send an email. Perhaps better yet, let it blow over and have the kids do the complaining directly.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 04:10 AM
1

I meant her concocting the emergency. Sorry for the ambiguity. As for him, well ... no one said don't get a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/22 04:06 AM
1

Oh yeah, was confused by your title. In that case, do that boundary stuff everyone is saying. You may want to consider a CPA who is also a CFDA (certified divorce financial analyst), they cost a bit more but are worth it if there is some complexity and a sizeable financial estate.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/22 03:13 AM
1

The courts only see what we are able to show them. But I don't think being controlling is something they directly care about except insofar as it damages the kids or your relationship with them. It's not illegal to be a bitch.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/22 03:03 AM
1

Let her blame you. It's only a couple more months. Who gives a fuck what she thinks or says? Is this a conflict or a situation you actually need to resolve? Fuck no, you're divorced. Just go full stoic. Once you're out - give her one channel of communication and block her on the rest.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/22 02:59 AM
2

Several months is nothing in the grand scheme. Spend the time to build your case and figure out where it makes sense to fight and where it doesn't. She should not have absconded with the kids, that was a tactical mistake on her part. This is not full aggressive, it's just high conflict. Seems like she's staying somewhat within the bounds, for now.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/22 02:56 AM
2

If she's physically away from him with the kids and her parents, concocting the "emergency" will be pretty difficult. But yeah, it may happen if she gets her creative juices flowing!
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/22 02:53 AM
2

Be that nasty bitch we all complain about.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/22 02:51 AM
1

If you lose it, she wins. That's not enough?
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/22 02:50 AM
1

You're in for a fight. Prepare your budget and get a trial lawyer, not some wishywashy "settle settle settle" hack.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/22 02:46 AM
1

Your feelings are pretty normal, also pretty normal that at some point you'll want a relationship with him and regret the missed time. Be civil, be open about your feelings, call him out on his fuck ups, and give him a chance if you have it in your heart. You can always cut him off later, like if he starts asking you for money or gets flaky. But if you're not ready, you're not ready. It's ok.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/22 02:43 AM
1

With the strong dollar, I'm under 5K now. Woot.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/22 02:39 AM
2

That's cool she's doing that for you. I've had a few strictly-friends-only women in my life, they also make great wing chicks!
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/22 02:38 AM
5

Time to learn the son about "making nice because you'll see him again soon." If there's no danger to him in visiting with her, then just do what you can to support it. Triggering the "bad mom" vibes is the worst possible strategy and if she starts having second thoughts - shit. Don't crush her dream of freedom until the paperwork is done. Poor kid, poor you. Hopefully, you can get it done and dusted without extra drama.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/22 02:37 AM
2

Are institutional investors like Blackrock part of what you deal with as a commercial real estate banker?
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/22 03:14 PM
1

Just another salvo, then! Actually, I can't believe she didn't wait. Not bright.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/22 04:30 AM
2

Far from over, bro.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/22 03:48 AM
2

It ain't over until it's over. ~ Yogi Berra If the settlement agreement isn't event drafted and signed yet, you've got some miles. In most states, litigants are under a continuing duty to disclose any material changes in their financial situation. Maybe ask your lawyer about filing a motion to have both parties update their financial disclosures pre-judgment. But get on it. This is significant but prepare for some fireworks.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/22 03:47 AM
1

Yeah, it's tough on the friends when they feel they have to take both sides. But I also worry that the legally mandated obligations will lock me into something I can only meet if I stay working hard. Yep, that's exactly the risk you're taking if she goes hard. Maybe talk to a lawyer to get a worst-case scenario?
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/22 03:43 AM
4

She is in therapy and I’ve told her countless times me and mommy are not getting back together no matter what you do. She only acts out with me and it’s becoming a big problem going forward. Mommy is poisoning her and giving her the same expectations you are crushing. Of course that is going to be a big fucking problem and you will look like the bad guy. You should see a therapist to see how to handle this better. You should also stop "telling her" things and explore her emotions, feelings and t…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/22 03:36 AM
1

This relationship is literally killing you. Does she have anyone else in her life, like family or close friends? If you're her lifeline, she may go ballistic and end up costing you a lot of legal fees. Or do you think she'll just lay down and accept it? From your narrative, this seems like the most important thing to get right.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/22 03:31 AM
3

Sounds like a court on the east coast. lol. We just called them "Temporaries". Another risk is that if the STBX knows that the final order will be less than the temporary order (assuming it is negotiated or the case goes to trial), the incentive is to keep that gravy train going as long as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/22 08:56 AM
5

Ok, that's a good sign. I mean not for your relationship, but for the divorce. I'd go ahead and meet a lawyer, figure out what it's going to take to get the filing prepared and then file. If she's not going to blow up at the thought of discussing it, maybe it's okay to discuss in general terms, but I wouldn't telegraph the whole thing.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/22 08:10 AM
2

Why are you getting divorced and how do you think she'll handle it? Normally it is better to file and then announce/serve but sometimes that will turn what could have been an amicable divorce into a hostile one.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/22 07:09 AM
5

Watching all those reruns of Matlock was a waste of time.. lol
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/22 07:07 AM
1

2 birds, 1 stone?
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/22 05:16 AM
2

How will it help you? If you're close to finalizing it, why blow it up?
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/22 04:55 AM
7

This is a W
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/22 04:35 AM
1

Are you a certified divorce coach?
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/22 03:38 AM
2

I'm wanting 50/50 but stbxw doesn't seem hip to it saying it's too hard on kids constantly moving from house to house. This is fucking bullshit. Is her lawyer's advice that this argument will be considered grounds in the court? Can your place comfortably accommodate the kids?
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/22 03:37 AM
1

The TRO hasn't the part of contacting her checked. And I wanted to call her and ask about my kids and see if I could soften her heart. But my lawyer is saying don't call her. I feel like my lawyer wants this drama. But maybe she is right. Listen to your lawyer. If you don't trust them, get a new one. If you have a question about their advice, ask them.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/22 03:34 AM
2

This is really, really important. It's okay to be angry and hurt and all of that but you need to work through it to reduce any long-term damage. Great advice.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/22 03:30 AM
3

At least I have peace and quiet with no woman around Amen
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 07:21 AM
4

If if flies, floats or fucks ... rent it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 07:20 AM
2

expensive habit is a great way to put it
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 07:20 AM
2

I disagree, but have ceded that she can "train" me for a month, before we pursue a week-on-week-off schedule. dafuq? that's ridiculous. Feed, clean, sleep, read, play. That's literally all there is to it. Not rocket science. As for paternity, if she won't consent to a VAP, you'll need to go to court. Any agreement that isn't entered by the court in a judgment of paternity isn't worth shit. Record every cent you send her because if you go for paternity, she will probably seek support back to the …
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 07:18 AM
1

I hope this pans out. If so, that is a good thing your lawyer did for you, probably saving you more than their legal fees.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 07:09 AM
1

They will take all 30 days and probably file a motion to extend another 30 days. As for their Answer - they may also file a counterclaim for divorce. If her lawyer is aggressive, expect more motions to come with that filing. While these pleadings give the judge an idea about the facts of the case and what will be at issue, unless the case goes to trial, they don't have that much of an impact.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 07:08 AM
1

A sudden change like that will need a great explanation to avoid your prior income being used by the court to determine support. At the same time, you should fight for the fact that last year was an unusual year. Commission-based incomes are always tricky for the courts (too much thinking) so they'll take the simplest way possible to calculate your income - see what you can do to prevent that if it works in your favor. Any idea when the housing market will crash? That would seem to be the opport…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 07:04 AM
1

substance abuse problem?
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 07:00 AM
1

How did your legal fees run up to half a million? not that uncommon
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 06:58 AM
3

Sleep in separate bedrooms. Totally agree this is the best way if she won't move out willingly. Also, OP should put a lock on his bedroom.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 06:57 AM
2

A woman in affair fog is capable of anything. She might neglect the kids too. Make no assumptions. Truer words have never been spoken.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 06:56 AM
3

Hope against hope, brother.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 06:55 AM
2

this is going to be my first divorce! Hopefully your last, too!
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 06:54 AM
2

Better if she leaves willingly for a while before filing.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 06:54 AM
10

I'm going to whole-heartedly agree that now is not the time for the golf trip.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 06:52 AM
3

Change your passwords, take your portion (At least) of any cash and accounts, secure your possessions and documents, before you move out or kick her out (which I assume would result in a conflict, perhaps wrongly), get legal advice. In cheating situations, your best chance to get a quick and favorable resolution is the time while she's still feeling guilty and before her rationalizing of the affair turns to resentment and anger. Hammer her on this in whatever way you know works on her. Do not br…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/22 06:49 AM
3

Professionally, the abandonment thing has come up once or twice in a decade plus of practice. It comes up here all the time so I can only guess it's a bigger thing in other places. But like everything, its a cost-benefit analysis - staying in a situation where you're going get dinged with abuse allegations, or much much worse in your case, just doesn't seem worth it.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/22 10:30 AM
1

You fucked up, you cheated. If she knows and is willing to "forgive" you (i.e. punish you for the rest of your life), she will go ballistic if you then decide to end it because of this favor she is willing to do for you. You may be a bad husband but you don't deserve eternal punishment, unless you're willing to accept that as penance. If you decide to end it, do not let your guilt drive you into an unsustainable situation of financial, co-parenting or lifestyle ruin. This will serve no one, espe…
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/22 05:21 AM
3

No matter what, don't make that inheritance become community property.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/22 05:16 AM
2

Transactional works for a lot of guys, some for a while, some forever. But don't forget, you're damaged goods, too!
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/22 05:15 AM
1

Although there may not be a calculator, there are probably guidelines somewhere. At your levels of income, you can afford some legal advice and you may be giving away too much on a straight income equalization approach.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/22 05:13 AM
1

Are you me?
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/22 05:08 AM
2

Our main issue is with my adhd. It prevents me from planning and seeing things through. I miss details constantly and it infuriates her. I never plan trips, or do the think work with the kids. I've tried a thousand ways and I just can't fucking do it. I hate myself for not being what I need to be. The pain and self loathing is so great that, on a few occasions, I've gone down to the basement to slap myself as hard as I can over and over. I am right here with you, bro. My ADHD was my main contrib…
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/22 05:07 AM
1

When you say "wife and I have talked about divorce" it means what? Looks like you told her you want one. Hell hath no fury, so it goes ... don't expect civility, don't expect anything except anger, rage and discomfort. Discussing before filing and preparing is typically a huge mistake, so now that you're in this position, what are you doing about it? It is very difficult to divorce a person who doesn't want a divorce. And if you've checked out of the relationship already, she needs to go through…
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/22 05:02 AM
0

Can you stick it out until your kid is 18? That will give you enough time to prepare and think how to go about this or whether you'll stay with her at the expense of your other relationships. If you ever break the news to her, expect major fireworks followed by lovebombing and a substantial period of ultra-craziness. As others have pointed out, the narcissism vibe is strong with these isolating behaviors. Is she resistant to therapy or has it never come up?
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/22 04:53 AM
5

What’s her view towards the kids? Does she want to dip out completely from responsibility?
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/22 03:31 PM
1

Unless you specifically agreed that was ok - no way absolutely (edit - whoops)! Especially if it was separation with the idea to reconcile.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/22 03:28 PM
1

In the true sense of the word, from what I saw. Sorry.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/22 12:34 PM
2

Does your group allow virtual members?
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/22 03:52 AM
1

Thanks, appreciate that.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/22 03:35 AM
5

Usually these things shake out like this; if the spouse didn’t know of or consent to these “gifts” to the third party, the court will deem the funds that were transferred to have been marital property and for the husband to have dissipated the marital estate. The typical remedy for this is a disproportionate distribution of marital assets in favor of the spouse. But that’s a very general analysis, especially complicated because it was not just a normal gift, it was put into an investment account…
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/22 02:58 AM
1

I would appreciate it if you didn’t make my private messages public.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/22 02:45 AM
2

Amen.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/22 02:36 AM
2

Do everything you can to focus on the business and execution of the divorce. It really sucks to basically have to forget the betrayal because the law doesn’t really recognize it.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/22 01:57 AM
1

If I had something to say, I wouldn’t hide behind an alt.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/22 01:38 AM
2

You need to be 100% confident in your lawyer as this probably the most important thing to handle correctly and as soon as possible. The impacts of losing on a bullshit TRO will last the entirety of your divorce and possibly beyond. Get in there. That said, follow you lawyer's preferred communications methods if at all possible. This is the time to support them in defending you rather than pushing all of the work to them - write the word document as she requests.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/22 08:57 AM
0

She’s just doing this to spite you. What about agreeing to put it on the market at the price your family is willing to pay and if no one buys it within 30 or 60 days, family gets the deal? EDIT: Additionally, using a realtor to value the property is a common way people value their properties but not when the value is contested. You can request to have a proper valuation done by a professional. They will counter this valuation if it is not what they want.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/22 07:19 AM
1

No scheduling things on the other parent’s time No discussion of financial issues with the kids Whatever else is required to lock this behavior down in the agreement
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/22 07:14 AM
3

Never let her know you’re hurting. Be grateful you have family and friend support. Process the anger and pain, with professional help, if possible. Take all the precautions to protect yourself legally and financially, get something filed so she doesn’t start racking up debt you could end up being on the hook for down the road. Sucks bro but you gotta do the necessaries because even if she tries to come back, you should have none of that.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/22 04:29 AM
1

Fuck you for triggering Frozen, sunova
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/22 04:23 AM
1

Have you made efforts to cut her off from access to credit or accounts?
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/22 01:48 PM
2

I don’t think it could hurt. If nothing else, it’s a huge life change and a chance to assess how you want to live the next part of your life. A step lighter than that would be a life coach, reputable hopefully, who could help you define some goals around your relationships and lifestyle. If there’s nothing nagging at you or any particularly strong emotion (or unusual lack thereof), probably I’d go with the coach.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/22 11:00 AM
1

She did save for her retirement - your 401k. Before you monkey around with that and get dinged, it would be a great idea to talk to a lawyer and/or a certified divorce financial advisor, if the amount is substantial. Playing around with the finances, trying to hide things or divert things, is generally not a good idea.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/22 10:44 AM
1

I hear that!
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/22 10:40 AM
1

Fine thanks, and you?
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/22 10:39 AM
1

Good point
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/22 10:39 AM
1

Well your first post disregarded the two key facts OP had posted in another thread I linked elsewhere. California and openly cohabitating. Then when I tried to ease into a course correct you decided to pontificate. So perhaps it’s educational, perhaps you just like to read your own words.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/22 02:17 PM
5

Not sure why you’re still pursuing this lecture.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/22 02:05 PM
4

Sorry, I thought you replied later in the chain where it was California and OP posted a previous thread saying they were openly cohabitating. Overall, yeah it seems marriage could be the majority rule.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/22 12:03 PM
4

https://www.berenjifamilylaw.com/cohabitation-and-spousal-support/ Not sure this is correct but it seems a bit less stringent than marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/22 11:18 AM
1

Looks like California and open cohabitation: https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/vw5qcm/the_confrontation/
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/22 07:54 AM
5

Cohabitating with another man doesn’t DQ her?
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/22 06:37 AM
12

Your STBX doesn’t respect you and wants to feel in control of the situation. Yep. So much this. Exacerbated by doing the work for the divorce she wants FOR HER.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/22 05:25 AM
23

all too common. nothing to fight about. if she doesn't sign tomorrow, hire a process server. EDIT: but yes, it's idiotic, irresponsible, arrogant, entitled, weak ass sauce
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/22 04:58 AM
1

It's really difficult to divorce someone who doesn't want to get divorced, especially women, as they are more prone to go scorched earth, where men are more prone to just accept defeat and let the process happen. But those are just general observations. Short of going scorched earth, there can be delay tactics - agree, renege, agree, renege, change here, change there, etc. If you don't have a house or kids or assets that are difficult to split, your ability to walk away and as /u/dday_throwaway3…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/22 01:33 AM
1

Do you have divorce proceedings pending before any court?
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/22 01:23 AM
1

Yay, you're on your way.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/22 01:19 AM
1

How’d it go?
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/22 12:58 AM
2

You’ve come a long way down a rough road - glad you’re moving toward resolution.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/22 12:47 AM
8

It basically is.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/22 11:49 PM
0

This is beautiful.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/22 02:25 PM
1

Shit that’s tough. It’s a lot like the stages of grief, so there will be an anger phase and all that. I see how you may want to “ease into it” and discuss it with her more. You know her best, just don’t want you to get blindsided. Maybe she’ll sleepwalk through the whole process, it doesn’t happen often but some people (men and women) do. But from what you’ve said, seems like she didn’t expect it or really doesn’t want it. Tread carefully. If she’s really hurt, a week or so isn’t that long to re…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/22 02:22 PM
1

Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/22 11:26 AM
3

I'd ask that lawyer you consulted on the agreement! Generally speaking, these first hearings are not about the detailed facts and circumstances of your case, they are about making sure you've filed everything (financials if required being a key item), scheduling the case, and determining whether the matter is contested in any way. Antennae get raised when the pro se parties start asking questions which sound like wanting legal advice about a particular issue from the judge, or if the parties sta…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/22 10:42 AM
1

You are organized!
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/22 10:21 AM
4

lol - please no!
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/22 09:35 AM
1

Get a great grill, cook outside as much as possible. Less clean up and great chow.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/22 04:12 AM
1

In most jurisdictions the parties have to file financial statements that are true and correct at the time they file them. The income they report on those financial statements is what the court will use unless someone raises the issue of income. For example, this could be one party saying the other party is under-earning or the other party saying their current income is only temporary and shouldn't be used.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/22 04:08 AM
5

not going to feed that troll and not here for your entertainment, believe whatever you want
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/22 04:03 AM
2

However, it’s been over a week and she hasn’t addressed it. Almost as if it was one bad argument and we just moved on. Maybe she's addressing it with counsel. I understand "the talk" but without action or preparation, it's just setting yourself up for a problem. Is another "talk" going to move you closer to getting a divorce? And a week is nothing in terms of processing the loss of a marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/22 04:00 AM
1

Glad this worked out for the better. Wow.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/22 06:29 AM
10

Once she realizes the court probably won’t release her from child support, regardless of what you two agree between one another, you’re going to have a custody fight on your hands. Before you get too far down the road, you should have a lawyer take a look at what you’re agreeing to be sure that everything will be approved by the court. And hopefully her desire for freedom outweighs everything else, that way you and your son can move on.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/22 04:44 AM
2

I’ll also say - make sure all your passwords are changed and possibly set up a throwaway on here.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/22 03:32 AM
3

Good point she may just be buying time to serve OP
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/22 03:29 AM
5

Hard to fight this effectively. Just be patient, don’t get angry and put in the work it takes to build your case. Perhaps accept the fact that going to trial is pretty likely. As even if you don’t, her lawyer may push it to the edge to maximize fees. Find your moments to directly communicate with your STBX so she can understand maybe that every dollar that goes to the lawyers is a dollar she doesn’t get. And avoid mentioning your own benefits or interests - that will just enrage her or shut her …
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/22 03:21 AM
1

Since 2007 I’ve seen exactly one couple get remarried. Frankly, it doesn’t matter what you want if she doesn’t want it. And it sounds like she’s got someone else anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/22 02:02 AM
2

Yep
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/22 01:57 AM
3

It doesn’t happen in every case but it happens A LOT. Men need to prepare for this because its in the standard playbook. But like you say, we’re like - nah, SHE wouldn’t do that to me!?!
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/22 01:53 AM
6

She’s afraid because you’re her lifeline. High potential of her going scorched earth.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/22 01:50 AM
10

Some lawyers capture their clients emotionally by feeding into their anger or whatever emotion works best and making wild promises about their case. Unless your case is super unusual, when it all shakes out there aren’t really many slam dunks. The most she’s can really be saying is that she’ll take her anger out on you during the process and decimate the finances through legal fees. And always be wary of false domestic violence claims. Divorcing someone who doesn’t want a divorce is not easy.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/22 01:48 AM
1

Do you think she’ll be amenable to the divorce overall?
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 07:43 PM
1

Do you get the transcripts?
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 07:38 PM
1

Amen for the ballpark
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 07:31 PM
3

You have much love from this brotherhood. I can’t really say anything but find any way to maximize your time with the boy.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 07:30 PM
1

You’re an adult, he’s a kid. Take the win and work with it.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 07:23 PM
1

Yes, are you in the same position as your son?
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 02:51 PM
1

Don’t brigade bitch
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 02:48 PM
0

Biggest risk moving abroad that I’ve seen is falling behind in child support and getting your passport yanked. The threshold is something like $2,500.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 09:12 AM
1

Sounds about right
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 08:55 AM
5

Once you file she probably won’t be able to take the kids out of state without court permission.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 08:54 AM
2

This could be grounds to go in on an emergency, check with your lawyer. But it may be hard to get a hearing in any meaningful timeframe. Seems more like damage control time than legal time.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 08:51 AM
1

Sweet sweet cortisol …
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 03:46 AM
3

Typically either party can force the sale, regardless of whether you can buy her out or not. In practice, the buyout usually works if there’s an agreement on price. Tactically, if she knows you really really want the house then she will just keep hammering you over the head with it to get you to submit to a high valuation or get other concessions out of you. It’s clearly an emotional issue for you because your son is tied to it - but you need to try to put that out of your head in order to survi…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 03:41 AM
3

She was advised to do this. Either she has a divorced friend or is already with a lawyer. You need to play catch up now. Beg and borrow for whatever cash you need to get a good lawyer onboard immediately. As for the mortgage and other payments - seek legal advice before you pay them, you need to conserve your cash.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 03:33 AM
2

Is it possible for us to negotiate a settlement where I do not pay spousal support? Yes but the approach here is very important. Your written narrative is clear and concise - I’d just proceed to meeting with some lawyers.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 03:29 AM
3

Is this a covid stress thing? Lots of bottled up shit is coming through the system now.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 03:25 AM
1

So is the basis of your filing the two year separation period?
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 03:19 AM
1

The crying woman standard - love it!
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 03:01 AM
1

And those standards are typically met with half-truths and bald-faced lies.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 02:57 AM
1

Well, that’s going to be a big waste of both your money if it has to go to hearing. But if things are as you say, worth talking to a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 02:45 AM
1

What are the odds?
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 02:41 AM
1

Do you think she’ll be okay to give you more time if the support remains the same?
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 02:36 AM
2

Feel better.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 02:34 AM
1

You can usually get visitation modified but as visitation is often tied to support, they’ll often become contested.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 02:31 AM
2

Are you currently intoxicated?
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 02:28 AM
2

You said they were effective when signed by the judge. Which is incorrect.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 02:24 AM
1

The actual worst subreddit for legal advice
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 02:22 AM
1

TROs are not effective until served.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 02:22 AM
3

emergency ex parte TROs require little or no evidence but don’t last long, that’s why it’s so important to bring it to hearing ASAP before it becomes a regular TRO.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 02:20 AM
2

It’s a fucking effective tactic - as we can see. Can’t blame people for playing to win. Man doesn’t even know what hits him, caught on the back foot - and then will still act like a over-compromising bitch for the next five months. She’ll ask him to come back and mow the lawn, he will and she’ll call the cops.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 02:19 AM
1

Agree
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 02:16 AM
-2

Maybe that’s why you lost.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 02:14 AM
-1

Typically I see female judges hammering incompetent, evervictim women rather than siding with them. It’s the older men judges who have the soft spots, more often than not.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 02:13 AM
2

I hear you. It’s upsetting. I was over sensitive to this for a long while. But I can’t control what she’s going to say or do so I just do what I can. One tactic may be to do something amazing and fun right after she calls. Or somehow change the subject immediately after the call. Longer term, teach them about FOMO and how it is normal but not a particularly healthy reaction to when you see other people doing things. Teaching them concepts to counteract what she does, strictly outside of the cont…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 02:11 AM
1

2019 is old news - she’ll have to do better than that
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/22 08:33 AM
5

Fight fast and fight hard - go to hearing on it with a lawyer. This is the standard opening volley for a high conflict divorce. Don’t violate the TRO. If it’s bullshit, it will probably not stand. Don’t worry about your kids yet, chill out and get this shit handled first. Don’t panic, don’t get angry, that’s what they want.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/22 08:30 AM
1

Fare thee well. Hard to divorce someone who doesn’t want to divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/22 08:26 AM
0

This is common in divorce - let me guess - no temporaries in place?
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/22 08:17 AM
11

Pay movers to drop it on her front lawn. Tell her you're having a garage sale and they're going up for sale, you'll send her the half the proceeds of the sale. Put them in a pawn shop or furniture consignment shop. Put them out on the front lawn and tell her when trash day is. Actions speak louder than words.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/22 07:53 AM
2

I think that's less a less conflict-prone approach. Good thinking.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/22 07:51 AM
2

Is she the only lawyer you've met with? How does she compare with the last one? Meet with at least two others so you have data points. No one here was at the conference. As for the court records, depending on the state or county, there might be some access to pending or closed cases going back 5-10 years. Why didn't you just ask her to show you? I don't see anything particularly dodgy but nothing particularly amazing either. How about her attitude? Do you think she would be a good counterpoint t…
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/22 06:57 AM
1

Agree
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/22 03:45 AM
2

I feel for you, this is really rough.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/22 03:29 AM
3

I think that if you're contemplating divorce, here would be an okay place to post. It's not that strict, imho.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/22 02:55 AM
2

good man
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/22 02:51 AM
2

You old Dirty bastard you lol
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/22 02:10 AM
2

Woot
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/22 02:09 AM
1

Good
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/22 02:09 AM
3

Fucking stupid shit - both of you. Just finish it. You’re surprised and hurt that the person you’re divorcing is not being fully honest, upright and a bastion of honor and morality? Dafuq. If you give in, she’s not winning - you are because she’s gone. Bonus, she’ll feel like she won so she may stay the fuck out of your life for longer.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/22 02:09 AM
3

Whether or not to have children is a fundamental disagreement that will hack at the core of any relationship forever. If you want to have a child and they don’t, IMHO, the rest of your reasons are icing on the divorce cake.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/22 02:04 AM
3

Dude?
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/22 02:01 AM
1

Your best interest is to achieve an outcome. Ultimatums only create conflict.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/22 12:32 AM
15

Ultimatums and alcoholics don’t mix.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/22 03:20 PM
1

Yawn.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/22 03:10 PM
2

This is the way.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/22 09:09 AM
0

Piece of shit dudes get rewarded too.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/22 09:07 AM
7

The system punishes success and rewards ineptitude and laziness. Go figure.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/22 09:07 AM
2

Best time to divorce is when you're in a shitty financial position.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/22 08:36 AM
6

Take serious legal advice now. Think of divorce like bankruptcy when it comes to closely held businesses - any transactions you undertake in anticipation of divorce/bankruptcy can be disallowed. Don't fuck around with this or your legal fees will skyrocket once the experts get involved and have to testify. Whatever you're concocting has been done before and a court has bitchslapped a guy for doing it. Don't get bitchslapped by the court. P.S. Excellent that you're planning and haven't broken the…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/22 08:35 AM
8

Don't interrupt her parenting time unless it's in the order or an emergency. If you want to modify the order to get a goodnight call or something, then do it - otherwise leave well enough alone.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/22 08:29 AM
2

You can't have everything. You need to make some tough decisions. Not sure what your son's issue is but have you been advised not to sell the house by a professional due to the damage it may cause him being substantially greater than the damage you both are already causing him by divorcing?
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/22 06:20 AM
4

Nonstarter. The solution to this kind of problem: Say no or divorce earlier. There may be a roundabout (and long shot) way of arguing dissipation of the marital estate - but that's soundly in the realm of shit you need to ask your lawyer, not the interwebs.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/22 06:18 AM
5

I ended up having zero expectations for anything from her. Then everything is like a bonus. But catch myself again and again expecting some basic decency or civility - then I'm disappointed again and again. Hard to permanently put the low to no expectation mindset in place. It just creeps back.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/22 04:05 AM
4

Why don't you just go directly to the school? You should be authorized on everything.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/22 02:17 AM
1

It could last a long time but it's not a relationship. The "power dynamic" shouldn't weigh so heavily in either direction. Looks like you got the revenge/misogyny downvotes.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/22 01:41 AM
2

This is highly jurisdiction specific at this level of detail, so I'd be very cautious relying upon any advice here. The issue I would spot immediately is whether she chose to do this voluntarily and whether the net economic benefit to the "family" has been reduced. In that case you may have a good argument to impute her prior position to her for purposes of calculating any obligations. One clue as to how income is calculated may be on your mandatory financial disclosure statement instructions. O…
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/22 01:38 AM
7

The first one after my ex broke my heart. So I think I'm done done.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/22 01:33 AM
1

Your total legal spend could be anywhere from 5k to 50k or more - so maybe limit it to 3 but you’ll pay much more for the wrong lawyer than the right one. Sucks but that the reality in your market.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/22 03:44 PM
2

Yep, houses are the source of a lot of stuff. Memories, security, a place we made our own, a representation of what we worked to achieve. Hopefully there's a little solace in the fact that the kids get to be there. Sucks, and psychotic move by the inlaws. Don't blame you a bit for GTFO of that.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/22 09:55 AM
1

I'd visit a few more lawyers now that you have a better idea on what to ask. I'd even write down the questions and have a written narrative of the basic facts and financials ready for them. One key factor in hiring a lawyer, among many, is how you think they'll be able to deal with your STBX - what kind of people does your STBX respect, is your STBX combative, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/22 06:50 AM
1

For the 401k and any other retirement accounts, any amounts accrued or contributed to during the marriage are typically deemed marital property and counted toward the marital estate.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/22 06:47 AM
1

It’s because you make to much money to qualify. You can support yourself nicely on your salary. Her making 50k more than you isn’t enough of a gap between your income and hers considering how much you make. Source?
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/22 06:45 AM
1

Child support is broken down into the actual support and the expenses, which are items outside of support, such as insurance, uncovered medical, extracurricular activities, vacations, etc. Child support is typically defined for the most part by statute and depends on the custody arrangements. For the other expenses, they are usually divided as follows: Split 50/50 for necessary expenses, agreed optional expenses same split, unagreed optional expenses, 100% to the party incurring the expense Spli…
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/22 06:43 AM
1

Do you regret that it turned out that way? Did you really have much of a choice besides selling it? If not, I get the nostalgia but gotta let that shit go.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/22 06:37 AM
1

Basically pray she doesn’t come to her senses for a while. A “while” is one of a few specified periods of time based upon the kind of judgment he got. His lawyer should be able to tell him all the ways she can undo what’s been done. Hoping this cement sets and she treasures her freedom more than anything else.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/22 09:39 AM
7

Our shitty state calculates Child support based on the parent's combined income. and even in 50/50 custody, the Custodial Parent parent gets child support, and does not give credit for the time spent with the kids. When It comes to child support, having just visitation or 50/50 Child support is the same amount. And because she makes a high income, the child support will be higher for me to pay. What state is this? So if she made a million dollars and you made 20k, child support would force you i…
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/22 08:19 AM
1

Don’t count the chickens mama
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/22 05:22 AM
2

Delete.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/22 05:19 AM
2

Why?
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/22 05:18 AM
2

Tough call but if she’s sleepwalking her way towards a big L, why stop wake her up by filing.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/22 06:51 AM
2

She’s estranged. Meaning she can come back at any time to try to claim what she believes is hers. I guess the inflection point of when to file would be the peak of your ability to get sole custody.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/22 01:51 AM
3

How long ago did you tell her this? Does she have a history of acting like this or is this the first time?
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/22 09:35 AM
1

Just another excuse to avoid responsibility and reality.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/22 07:16 AM
1

This is usually the case. Alternatively it’s an empty threat, which depending on your reaction, she will start to throw out there more often. The only thing worse than filing against a woman who doesn’t want to be divorced, is agreeing to her empty threat.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/22 05:18 AM
1

Economic abuse is a thing, don’t run afoul of it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/22 05:16 AM
2

There may be some simplified procedures in your state for no asset, no kids divorces
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/22 02:22 AM
1

Do you think her parents will step in hard if the issue of divorce is raised?
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 11:28 AM
2

Ok, so you both have an idea exactly what those things mean and what would be a reasonable condition for those to change to the point of finally separating. The only workable rules can be either of you can walk away and end it at any time with no questions asked and it naturally comes to an end when some conditions regarding finances and family matters are achieved. This is really messy, I mean day to day is probably ok but when someone does something like get into a relationship or even more pe…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 05:56 AM
2

What will make the bad situation good enough for you to finally separate?
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 04:53 AM
2

You're trying to make an egg white omelet after the yolk has broken. The one expectation you both need to have is that there's no set of rules that will make this experiment succeed.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 04:51 AM
1

I clarified just in case it wasn't clear. :D
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 04:13 AM
3

They didn't disown her when she married you? Seem like they're not Sikh or super progressive. That's a good sign. My ex is Thai and we had similar struggles. She didn't get how I could argue with my parents about a bunch of shit and I didn't get how her parents could just show up whenever the fuck they wanted with no notice. Does she or her family have expectations of you when it comes to interacting? Why can't she let your relationship with your family go? Does she view it as an indication of v…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 04:11 AM
3

Well, good job doing right by her mom as much as you did. That's pretty fucking honorable. (not sarcasm) I'm sure the woman is gushing with appreciation and gratitude, which pervades her every interaction with you ... /sarcasm
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 03:58 AM
1

Sorry, I don't have better beside manner. This shit really sucks and we've all been through so many aspects of it. Everyone here empathizes and sympathizes.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 03:53 AM
2

last one is most important, imho
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 03:26 AM
2

Arrange your job, pack your shit while she's away and leave. She's getting the milk without buying the cow. If the stuff isn't that important to you, leave it. You basically need to start over anyway. Also, check your state for common law marriage rules.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 03:25 AM
1

a condom with holes is better than none at all!
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 03:21 AM
2

ante-nuptial, anti-nuptial is what we are after the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 12:44 AM
2

Can I have money for groceries, you know that bitch took everything!
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 12:38 AM
3

That de-escalated quickly! Good luck with the hearing!!!
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 12:37 AM
2

Probably from before they were married.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 12:34 AM
2

Agree.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 12:33 AM
1

Yep, worth a 3 minute google search, tops.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 12:33 AM
1

Take as much cash as you can, now. You're in shock, which is normal. You'll go through denial, which is normal. But none of that can get in the way of you taking care of yourself, financially, personally and legally. She will come back with a vengeance, rest assured. She is not your spouse, she is not your friend. You cannot trust her.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 12:32 AM
0

bad bot
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 12:27 AM
2

This is UK? I had no idea that spouses could secret away funds and then claim them as separate property.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 12:27 AM
-1

bad bot
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 12:23 AM
9

Hi mom, you're embarrassing me in front of my friends
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 12:22 AM
6

All this money you saved for a rainy day? It's raining. Live a little off her money.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 12:22 AM
2

If by means you mean balls. Yes, always the question. I wonder what your therapist will think of all these pearls of wisdom you're getting here. And sorry you're going through this.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 12:20 AM
2

She’s likely fucking that guy. This. Is. The. Case. So. Many. Times.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 12:18 AM
2

Get used to awkward. Lean into it. When you tell her that its time you both sit down and talk to the kids about it, that's going to be awkward, along with the discussion with the kids. It's all awkward and working through that awkwardness is a core requirement of coming out of the divorce with as little permanent damage as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 12:17 AM
1

I'll add another comment here: just because you understand the factors she considered that led her to cheat on you, doesn't mean it's your fault. If there's something wrong or something you don't like about your partner, you try to make them change, repeatedly, while at the same time trying to be able to accept them, yourself. You give second, third, fourth chances to people you love to change. Her decision isn't your fault. But you don't seem angry at all, did you work through it or what?
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 12:14 AM
3

No, I asked for our divorce. It comes from my observations and experience in the divorce business. And not just men, women to. They spend the first 6 months of the divorce hoping, praying, begging for reconciliation and it ruins them and puts them at a huge disadvantage for the divorce generally. Plus, any hope of reconciliation won't come through begging and looking weak. Don't be surprised if you get a knock on your door.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/22 12:11 AM
4

Let them go. Clean out the bedroom and fix it up while she’s gone. Put a lock on it and move all your important personal documents and items into it. Take not less then your half of any joint funds. And have her come back to a new man. The kids will be fine. Just love them and get them into therapy if they need it. It only takes one person to end a marriage so don’t expect her to give a fuck if she’s ready to bang her work crush. Fuck her “letting you down easy” - it’s bullshit. edit: hang to ba…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 11:26 PM
1

You are free to set whatever boundaries you deem appropriate, up to and including no contact. She has no say in this. You are correct.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 11:19 PM
3

We call those Idiot+ :D
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 04:29 AM
1

You are unique, I'll give you that.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 02:16 AM
1

Yep, you're also the victim. Got it.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 02:12 AM
1

she should not be present during your parenting time.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 01:46 AM
1

You do you, pal. I trust the community's take on things over the past few years versus some rando who comes in telling us we don't know what we're talking about. Mirror, bro - take a good long look into one.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 01:42 AM
1

Zero accountability on child support is the dumbest shit ever and the easiest thing to fix.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 01:31 AM
1

I represent this remark!
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 01:30 AM
5

Ouch.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 01:29 AM
2

400k is well off? You make that in 3 years.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 01:24 AM
1

Are you a greedy or stingy person? What is her ultimate earning potential? You make nearly 5x her. Looks like she's trying to survive and provide something for her future. Have you asked your lawyer how the court will view her inheritance? Where I'm from, they're not going to consider it, especially when it's fuckall 400k. Who cares about the debt on the house, what is the equity? That's where your leverage lies. If you think your lawyer is fucking you, fire them and hire a new one. But I think …
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 01:23 AM
1

That won't work.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 01:11 AM
3

From my perspective: Any offer, no matter how ridiculous, is a good sign. Talk to all the men who repeatedly made very fair and generous offers that wound up in a black hole or were flatly rejected with no counteroffer. Nothing more frustrating than that. Take it or leave it is a very bad negotiating strategy but not as bad as her strategy of giving you the most valuable jewel of the marriage. But do not expect her to honor this if you accept it. Read between the lines. What is she trying to say…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 01:09 AM
10

Your opponent is only as dumb as their cleverest adviser. But if she was switching positions based upon who she last listened to or told her what she wanted to hear, that's pretty frustrating and - expensive.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 01:02 AM
5

If you were playing chess with your life on the line, would you really think it better to play Kasparov? Idiots are dangerous to themselves and their allies, not their opponents.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 01:00 AM
3

Not as opponents.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/22 12:59 AM
13

You’re lucky she’s not more clever.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/22 11:26 PM
1

Correctamundo - at the same time, on reading this I wouldn’t be surprised if his STBX genuinely believed this as she appears to be smoking crack
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/22 11:24 PM
1

She has threatened that if I do not agree to her terms, that I will need to assume full responsibility of my D3 and she will not take part in raising her. Agreed!
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/22 11:21 PM
1

Petty AF
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/22 03:21 PM
2

that said, all the shenanigans with child protective services has made some cases a lot worse
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/22 06:34 AM
2

It only takes one to make war but two to make peace. You need to give peace one solid shot, but then you really need to be proactive in defending yourself and your kids. Which will likely mean going on the offensive to take back the initiative in the divorce. Firmly and calmly let her know that you believe there is nothing worth going to war over and her current direction means that the bulk of the family's property and assets will go to the lawyers. If she's okay with that, there's nothing you …
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/22 04:12 AM
4

All I can say is that generally, divorce is much more orderly and predictable than it used to be a few decades ago. Progress is slow.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/22 02:42 AM
3

Next time, say she has to put out before you pay her because you don't feel she really gives it enough effort when the money is already in the bank. Then don't. If that doesn't work, give her a 10% deposit. Negotiate to half up front, if needed. If she balks, tell her that Nancy down the street is willing to suck you off for $20 and you don't have to deal with Nancy bitching at you all the time. Plus, she's above market rate for what she has to offer. Then when she flips her shit, record it and …
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/22 02:37 AM
13

Welcome to America, the best place on earth (for lawyers)!
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/22 02:36 AM
3

"That's between you and them."
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/22 02:36 AM
0

First, as you surely know, either parent has the ability to make emergency medical decisions without the consent of the other person, notifying them comes second to treatment. Second, I think you need to be honest with yourself. You still Love her and want her to be part of your life (or you’re obsessed), there’s nothing wrong with that although it may not be the healthiest thing. But couching it in curiosity and some bizarre level of concern for her obtaining information immediately about a pro…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/22 02:27 AM
2

As the lawyer probably told you - if you fear for your safety, your first priority is to make yourself safe, then worry about the legal side.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/22 12:38 AM
3

Seems like a cold case. If you didn’t call the police when it happened, why are you doing it now? Seems fishy on the criminal side. As for the TRO, that’ll probably be a bit easier given the history. Can you file the divorce case along with the TRO?
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/22 12:09 AM
2

Oh, in that case … well, that’s just weird.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/22 03:15 PM
2

Don’t lie. Get a lawyer - if they don’t think it will hold up, get her to agree to some no contact in exchange for dropping it. Did you file for divorce yet? If not get on it. Unless her behavior gets worse, this is probably the high water mark for your leverage.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/22 02:56 PM
1

She’s five steps ahead. Better start playing catch up.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/22 02:54 PM
2

Give it a week or so more. Then see what you want to do.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/22 02:52 PM
3

You can expect her to get much worse than better. You need to ride the train of protecting yourself and your son until the last stop. Secure your space, possessions and any money you can get your hands on. Sounds like she’s the breadwinner so you’ll need to make her pay your attorneys fees and get a temporary support order. Don’t back down. Use the journal, use everything. She accused you of not being a man? Show her how womanly you can be in this divorce then.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/22 01:04 PM
7

Ouch but true
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/22 06:19 AM
9

Quitclaim is the last step in settlement. Why would you stay on the loan? All risk no reward.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/22 06:19 AM
3

Put up For Sale signs.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/22 04:00 AM
10

Who gives a flying fuck? If she has your kid with her, different story. If you have the kid … so what.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/22 03:58 AM
1

When are the trial dates?
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/22 03:56 AM
2

She’s probably chasing something else that starts with a D. I would begin behaving strategically, immediately. She seems like the type who will abandon everything for the freedom to go be her. Hard pass on giving her the house. Either stay there with her or convince her to leave. Let her come and go as she pleases for a while. Prepare yourself and then file. Don’t get overly legalistic now, it’s pointless and will put her antennae up. Be smart, get the kids. Let the bird fly free.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/22 03:54 AM
10

Except to hand her shovels.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/22 02:53 AM
2

Well, now I don't believe anymore. This is too perfect.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/22 02:52 AM
2

Sell off everything, split the proceeds. If she's entitled to alimony, buy her out with a disproportionate share of them. Do not have any ties to this woman after the divorce. The farther and faster she fades from your rear view mirror, the better you will be.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/22 02:39 AM
3

Frankly, my parents put my kids' well-being over mine, which is how I think it should be. This irrational defense of your STBX is bizarre. Good thing your kids have some sense, must come from your side of the family.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/22 02:37 AM
10

I'm going to believe.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/22 01:43 PM
10

I just keep repeating this phrase in my head. The level of delusion and fucked-upness is beyond the pale. I mean to say this to young adults who may already be dating. To send the message - "Your happiness is the only thing that matters, if you are unhappy any conduct is justified." Unhappy at work? Steal. Unhappy in a relationship? Cheat. Unhappy with the law? Break it.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/22 01:40 PM
7

Agree. Seems she’s doing just fine on her own!
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/22 11:59 AM
1

Yeah, basically the worst possible outcome. And it happens all the time. Still worth it!
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/22 11:58 AM
1

Yeah, postponing discovery saves legal fees in amicable divorces, but is just a delay once things start becoming contentious.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/22 11:56 AM
2

Truth. Milking of temporary support orders is a thing.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/22 09:04 AM
3

Damn.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/22 09:03 AM
4

It’s moving at a pretty good pace, to be honest.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/22 03:06 AM
1

Seems like you could probably get a custody modification
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/22 12:50 AM
3

Amen.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/22 12:48 AM
2

If you want peace, you need to show strength not weakness.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/22 12:48 AM
4

I realized a long time ago that no matter what you want, how bad you want it, and how hard you’re willing to fight for it - if it’s a marriage and the other person doesn’t want it, it’s over. It seems like you’ve worked hard on improving yourself - what has she done to improve herself?
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/22 12:47 AM
1

Seems like you're handling it well, good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/22 07:05 AM
1

You must be fun at parties.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/22 07:03 AM
1

Thank you on behalf of the legal profession for this excellent advice.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/22 08:45 AM
2

good man
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/22 07:44 AM
3

Lazy courts and lazy litigants will take the most recent year or the best year. Your alimony, in that case would probably be set on a basic percent of your bonus, which you would have to prove but should be nonmodifiable otherwise. In most cases I recommend a buyout of alimony (if it can happen) but in your case, it is doubtful that they'd forego potential upside in any buyout deal so you'd be committing to bigger payout.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/22 07:35 AM
25

She is building her case every day in accordance with her lawyer's advice. If she's greedy, then she'll stoop lower. Change all your passwords, take at least your half of any joint assets, secure all important documents and create a room for yourself in the house that is secure. Do this the next time she is out so she comes back to a new you. Don't be kind, don't be soft, don't be generous. Maximize your leverage and then give only when you get to bring about a compromise deal. Protect yourself …
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/22 07:31 AM
2

Catholic or Jewish? Please don't say both! Yeah, the guilt is a remnant of inability to move on past the "husband" mindset. That's a you problem, though, not a her problem.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/22 04:49 AM
1

Am I really an autist giving off bad vibes or what? Possible. Also the small town blues.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/22 04:47 AM
1

It doesn't work with a 10 month old. With slightly older kids, iron-clad virtual visitation is a must, so if this is necessary get that in there. But again, I would object to her moving so far with the kid, it's a pure alienation play unless she has cause (such as a great job lined up). Your other alternative is to move.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/22 04:46 AM
5

Get your kids away from that.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/22 02:39 AM
9

This is how they try to hurt us. Pissed off that we don’t care about them anymore like that, so they find anything close to our heart to damage.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/22 02:33 AM
1

Is a legal separation entered by the court an option?
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/22 12:39 AM
26

Funny how the parent who is supposed to be the “natural” parent has such little regard for their mental well-being. Time and time again, the mothers weapon is the kids. Perhaps they feel they are their possessions.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/22 12:37 AM
1

Really?
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/22 06:06 AM
1

Sorry, only dealt with higher-end divorces there. But do a few consults to see what you can uncover.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/22 06:05 AM
1

You didn’t know you needed that discovery, but you did.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/22 06:03 AM
1

Buy one, if you’re not allowed due to an automatic stay or whatever - move the court.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/22 06:01 AM
6

Yeah - this law had a lot of nonsensical results
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/22 06:00 AM
2

You should undertake the measures necessary to restrict her access.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/22 01:15 AM
2

What’s your concern? Her attorney is right. No need to sign anything just agree on terms and have a lawyer write it up. Then have the other person’s lawyer review it. File and get the judgment. Easier said than done but that’s the process, which can break down and become contested at any point.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/22 06:34 AM
2

at least if you end up having sex with her you don't have to worry about getting her pregnant [silver lining] Hang in there, bro. Pace yourself and find some zen.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/22 10:03 AM
3

I can't think of any reason to divorce a pregnant woman unless she admitted it's not your kid. It's a bad move that will follow you indefinitely. Stick it out for 18 months, separate your living spaces if you have to.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/22 09:50 AM
1

If you have the kids,,you won.... Worth it.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/22 12:55 AM
1

Until all issues are agreed, no issues are agreed. If you contain the fight to the scheduling, you'll lose. Make her put some skin in the game.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/22 12:27 AM
7

Now you do what they told ya And now you do what they told ya (Now you're under control) And now you do what they told ya (Now you're under control) And now you do what they told ya (Now you're under control) And now you do what they told ya (Now you're under control) And now you do what they told ya (Now you're under control)
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/22 12:24 AM
4

Writing those checks ... every man's pain. But believe me, writing child support checks is much better than alimony checks.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/22 12:12 AM
2

It's like trying to get off on a technicality - because someone didn't tick a box that would certainly have been ticked if no one screwed up - so the judge will tick the box. And to be clear, I don't blame you for trying - but the judge might!
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/22 12:10 AM
1

There’s no requirement that you agree with my view. You do you.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/22 11:09 PM
3

Seems like a technical legal argument that needs to be made, if at all, by a lawyer. But if you're getting ticky-tack about something you "should know" is agreed - the judge may rip you a new one. Have you already made this argument to the other side outside of court?
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/22 10:59 AM
8

Once it's entered by the judge, you can say you've won. Until then, keep up the good work and purchase a new sling for your sizeable cohones.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/22 10:38 AM
1

Sounds like you've got the leverage then. The stocks have also never been traded, altered, and there are no other assets in the brokerage account. Solely my inheritance. I hope that holds some legal water. that would be my priority before shit hits the fan, worth some legal dollars
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/22 07:29 AM
4

50/50 doesn't eliminate support, it just minimizes your obligation. It is possible to depart from the statutory guidelines, so you should check with a lawyer. I'm saying - don't base your agreement with her on something that may not be possible.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/22 06:57 AM
14

send him a thank you card
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/22 06:22 AM
6

so much LOL once you can gain perspective ... sorry sorry woman ... fucked up the good shit for some dumb shit who doesn't want her anymore either
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/22 06:18 AM
4

You're in freefall my brother. What she's doing to you is not right. It's incredibly calloused and cold. But it is what it is. Protect yourself legally, see your therapist as much as you need to, work through the grieving process. When my mom found out my dad was infertile, they adopted me. But that doesn't work for everyone and you can't force someone into something like that, especially knowing that a major source of her self-worth seems to be bearing children, whereas your self worth comes in…
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/22 06:16 AM
1

Does she have her citizenship yet?
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/22 05:47 AM
2

I haven't dealt with this in years. But now the assets are presumed to be marital property in most jurisdictions. OP may have some avenues to rebut that presumption based upon intent and traceability. But I'm also interested to hear what OP's lawyer would say. While comingling is strong, so is inheritance being separate property. Whenever a lawyer says "interesting" you should translate that to "expensive".
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/22 05:45 AM
1

Yeah, I think there are some arguments to keep it separate involving traceability. But if I were her, this would be a hill I'd die on.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/22 05:41 AM
1

The stocks were moved into a shared brokerage account with my wife and I am worried those are going to be contested. You should be. This is going to be an expensive one. At least the marriage was short.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/22 05:40 AM
2

Have they asked for your bonus?
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/22 05:38 AM
1

Yep.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/22 05:37 AM
4

In most cases child support must fall within guidelines and you cannot negotiate it away from the other parent aside from adjusting the co-parenting time in some jurisdictions. If you fall below guidelines, expect the judge to reject it. Plus, it's always modifiable so she can go back for more later. In short, DO NOT make an agreement based upon their promise of reduced child support because it can be changed.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/22 05:36 AM
3

That’s not a correct understanding. If you don’t agree to the parent wanting the activity is fully responsible. This term reduces conflict.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/22 04:12 AM
2

The thinking at the time was that the disputes over use of child support would clog the courts. But I think we are at a technological place where this could be managed very efficiently.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/22 12:04 AM
5

Child support is a separate account for the kids held by the recipient parent, in theory. In practice, it's a slush fund for the recipient parent with zero accountability.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/22 10:37 AM
2

If you feel you are in an immediate threat of physical danger, then you need to contact law enforcement. If she's holed up in her house dodging the process server, then it's probably a no-contact order she's not technically violating because she hasn't been served. I'm sure you're going through hell with her but what can she really do to you now?
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/22 10:13 AM
2

Are you paying by the attempt? She literally cannot dodge forever and the stress she goes through trying to dodge has it's impact as well. I wouldn't get overly hyper about it unless you're in some physical danger, in which case - you need to proactively do something about that.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/22 08:14 AM
1

My parents convinced me to hang in there another few years. Huge mistake.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/22 03:05 AM
1

I would tell her there's no way you're getting alimony and if we can't agree to that now, there's no point to continue the meeting. Don't waste time. It will be what it is.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/22 03:04 AM
2

Dialogue is a win. Agreement on 2-3 things is big. All issues? Epic. Someone storms out in actual anger - whoops.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/22 03:14 PM
2

The courts usually make sure whether both parties were advised or represented by counsel before entering any agreement.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/22 02:28 PM
1

You go girl. Or should I address you as Don Corleone and kiss the ring?
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/22 12:58 PM
13

Next time say no. Enjoy the power.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/22 08:53 AM
4

I can see OP now - STBX, I'm gonna have to search you for weapons before I let you in. **busts out wand metal detector** Ok, you're clear.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/22 08:52 AM
9

Yep - and you know who the one who cuts it off is 99% of the time ...
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/22 08:49 AM
1

I'm sure there's times she's put the kids at risk, no judges I've ever seen stand for that shit from either side, regardless of gender.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/22 07:41 AM
1

Well, it won't be painless. Hopefully she has an alcoholic boyfriend she can latch onto. You can't take responsibility for this person. And you can't save them. You tried your damnedest, but you need to protect your kids. Showing them that, in the end, you cannot let one person, no matter how much you love them, sink the family ship - will be a really hard lesson but it's correct. I do not envy you. As it ends up, my uncle found another divorcee and they signed an iron clad prenup, both had grow…
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/22 07:39 AM
1

Stop enabling her, then watch how quickly she divorces you. My aunt did the same to my uncle. He was no perfect guy but he was a pretty good man. She drank herself to death within four years of the divorce. The reason you can't call the lawyer or follow through with it is because you're the spouse of an alcoholic. You're abused.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/22 03:34 AM
0

Bingo.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/22 03:13 AM
3

Put yourself in your kids' shoes 15 years from now and ask what they will think about this: Wow, my dad really taught me something about responsibility. Wow, my dad was an asshole. He and mom got divorced, which sucked, then I was forced to choose sides. But I hope I can forgive him after a few years of therapy.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/22 03:12 AM
8

Dafuq? You need to rethink your approach and probably seek counseling.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/22 02:29 AM
2

In what jurisdiction?
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/22 02:06 AM
3

No child support woot.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/22 02:05 AM
2

You’re not a man and you add nothing of value. This is her truth. Don’t ever forget it.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/22 02:05 AM
1

Only do it if you have something to gain by it. The threat of doing it usually gives you more leverage than actually doing it.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/22 11:02 AM
3

The friends should be a marital asset that gets divided in the settlement agreement. [joking]
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/22 11:01 AM
1

Man, rehashing once it's said and done is not healthy. You shouldn't be engaging with her on anything that's within her decision-making authority. That reads like you're still married.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/22 10:55 AM
1

Tough love
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/22 09:50 AM
2

go get em
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/22 09:49 AM
8

At least one mediation is required in most jurisdictions. If you're talking to the judge to get them to see your point, you're not amicable.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/22 09:48 AM
3

Glad she's facilitating. Gotta stay connected with that youngin. Tough to do what you've got to do but you can and will.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/22 09:46 AM
2

East colfax works too
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/22 05:23 AM
3

That hurts - hang in there
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/22 03:28 PM
1

No
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/22 02:50 AM
1

Get some support to take care of the kid and just deal with it. There’s no getting her back if she doesn’t come willingly and sending millions of messages and calling will have the opposite effect. Hold on bro - give it a few days. Sometimes people just freak out when they see their future - like a midlife crisis.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/22 02:49 AM
4

Don’t beat yourself up about it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/22 08:49 AM
5

Yes, this because it’s true. People don’t change, they reveal their true selves.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/22 08:47 AM
4

Sometimes I think being in the house is worse. So many triggers.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/22 08:46 AM
3

Longer than a year is time to get help. Maybe get help now if you’re not already. As for reconciliation, if you can accept a marriage where she can bang whoever she wants, whenever she wants, then I guess it’s possible. Personally, I couldn’t.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/22 08:43 AM
5

Yes - anytime before the judgment is entered.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/22 08:40 AM
2

Textbook. Nice. Crazy train full steam ahead - make sure you don’t tell her the bridge is out. I wonder when her lawyer will withdraw. That judge has to be fucking pissed and while it may not sound exactly like it, her lawyer threw her under the bus with the “too busy” comment. You should get the transcript done and frame it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/22 08:32 AM
3

Sounds amazing
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/22 06:09 AM
4

Woot! Get on with your bad self.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/22 12:33 PM
2

I can respect this.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/22 12:32 PM
5

#humblebrag All women can cause you pain, but a dental hygienist - watch the fuck out! Seriously though, don't shit where you sleep. So unless you're willing to change dentists, don't go there.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/22 06:40 AM
8

Everyone says they're going to write a book because their divorce was so bad. I keep quiet. Except for one guy - his divorce was bookworthy, imho. Just about every divorce is an amalgamation of pieces of other divorces. What would really be useful would be to map out all these components from our collective experience.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/22 06:37 AM
4

This is pretty heavy for you but not for her. Simple, happy, not her fault, you both care about her so much. Be prepared for the "whys" ...
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/22 02:56 AM
2

Yeah, totally do it if you can get something out of it. But doing it for the sake of doing it is just wasting a bargaining chip. :D
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/22 01:12 AM
4

As a legal expert and divorce attorney, I couldn't agree more. IMO, the highest and best use of this sub is to get some clarity before talking to an attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/22 12:54 AM
1

The fog is your friend. Good luck, seems pretty reasonable.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/22 12:38 AM
1

Spousal support depends on the terms of your agreement. It's either modifiable or non-modifiable, temporary or permanent. If it's non-modifiable, temporary support - no, she cannot ask. Well, she can ask but the court will dismiss her petition. Alternatively, you can avoid the issue entirely by buying her out of spousal support in a lump sum. Big fan of this but you may not have the cash or assets to do this. Worst case scenario is that you get the adjustment before the divorce concludes because…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/22 12:33 AM
2

Often times, people can't afford to get divorced.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/22 12:31 AM
11

usually it's all rights, whether or not vested, that accrued during the marriage. But this is a technical legal question for an experienced Indiana divorce lawyer - get serious, bro.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/22 12:28 AM
1

A man after my own heart. You can also watch my series applying the Art of War to divorce on YouTube :D https://youtu.be/j8nXuiOhJhI
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/22 12:27 AM
5

Totally fair point, thank you. I would not say any of this in front of the kids and would take the stbx to task for doing that. Pull the kids aside and say that mom and dad are going through some stuff and there's some things they weren't meant to hear but if they have any questions or feelings about anything, dad is here. I would go on to say that no matter what happens or what they hear, dad will always love them and is doing the best for them and their future no matter what it may feel like a…
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/22 07:18 AM
1

Solid ballpark
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/22 04:00 AM
15

I see this a lot. If dad is up for settlement, the case will settle. Good on you man, hope it closes smoothly.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/22 03:56 AM
1

Tin foil hat
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/22 03:48 AM
2

Lord I love to cook and she never did. Forgot about this one. Whoa. Flashback.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/22 03:36 AM
3

If you tell the school you don't want this non-parent to have permission to pick up your kids, they will likely back off. But before you do that, better check your marital settlement agreement, if any. Usually any non-parent pick-up requires both parents' consent. And before you pull the trigger on this card you have in your hand, you better figure out why you're doing it and what you will gain from it. Otherwise you're just creating conflict and hardship for no purpose, which is stupid AF.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/22 03:33 AM
1

He's 18. This is a problem that was ingrained before he was 8. Keep trying and finding a way to remain in his circle, but maybe when he's 25, he'll mellow some and you can rebuild. Sad story.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/22 03:30 AM
27

You are in an excellent position now. Keep playing the reconciling card while preparing to file. Then file. Change your passwords, secure your and your children's documents, prepare to take at least your part of any joint accounts, and then file. Unless you really want to try to reconcile, which will be a long and painful road. Fruitless in most cases.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/22 03:28 AM
1

Know your enemy Know the battlefield Know your resources Know the rules of engagement
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/22 03:25 AM
1

Blaming the system for every little problem is avoiding responsibility for doing your best to get a good outcome. Don't have much time for those men. No one disputes the bias, which literally varies from judge to judge, state to state, court to court, but throwing your hands up and surrendering the future of your kids because of THE SYSTEM is a cop out. Sorry. Unpopular opinion.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/22 03:23 AM
6

Yeah, I love my sister but her ex should have fucking run because of the financial shit. Instead, he stuck it out, cheated on her, got caught with financial irregularities during discovery on an account he had signatory authority over and did two years in the federal pen.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 01:32 PM
2

Sounds like you're evaluating it pretty spot on. Shitty provocations have their time and place, but it's an exhausting strategy because you have to keep it up and if it's not you, it's really difficult. One way to think about it is to get her to say things along the lines of what you're thinking about her. On the other hand, if abandonment is really her key issue - she may tolerate much more shit than you expect. I would approach the exercise by making a concerted effort to assert yourself more …
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 01:15 PM
1

Her happiness is not your responsibility. Absolutely. One of the hardest husband habits to break ...
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 12:32 PM
1

That's why you all pay me the big bucks.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 12:26 PM
1

yeah, this
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 12:26 PM
1

You have your way, go for it.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 12:09 PM
1

You are not near agreement if this issue has not been addressed head on.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 07:22 AM
2

Grazie
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 06:57 AM
4

good
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 06:50 AM
6

good
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 06:50 AM
2

Where are you getting the two-year number?
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 06:05 AM
9

Seems like she's not really in a great position to get much spousal support, if any. Is she disabled? Can she work? Does she have a degree? Did she forego a career to help you get a degree? She's not a stay at home mom ... so ... I'd get some legal advice on it but really not many cards for her to play.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 06:05 AM
4

This seems like a role reversal.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 03:49 AM
3

What does "taking sides" mean?
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 03:36 AM
2

Do the kids know about the affair?
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 02:28 AM
7

about 5 years before we got divorced
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 02:24 AM
1

If she's got abandonment issues and she doesn't want to get divorced, you can expect whatever retirement you were planning on to go to the lawyers. Better to make her ask for the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 02:24 AM
4

It's an artifact of a bygone time enshrined in the law of many states. In other words, none whatsoever. As for your situation, build a pillow fort and camp out.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 02:18 AM
2

How to ruin your kids 101
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 01:31 AM
2

Stop hammering on her about responsibility and support her through this first. And if she blames you for the divorce, who are you to talk to her about responsibility? She is angry and she has every right to be. Mom may be poisoning her but you need to get in the trenches and help her deal with the emotional side of things. Was she a daddy’s girl? If so, she’s hurting more than you can know and her uncooperativeness is a signal to you of that pain.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 01:27 AM
1

Not sure what market you’re in but either that’s the standard or they attorney is busy.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 12:30 AM
5

You better fight like hell or you’ll end being a registered sex offender. If your lawyer is not a subject matter expert - get a new one. Fight first - don’t even think about settlement yet.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/22 12:27 AM
5

Is she your ex wife already legally? I’m confused. Just a word of warning - don’t let your child support get in arrears by more than USD 2500 or the state department can yank your passport. Source: many many clients
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/22 10:10 AM
3

And they ignore you or make bullshit excuses? Fuck em. That sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/22 08:29 AM
2

Compared to what you will pay in legal fees if she starts fighting, $200 is a drop in the bucket. You should meet with more than one lawyer. You really should. This is the very definition of "penny wise, pound foolish".
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/22 05:06 AM
5

Keep handing her shovels, hell - buy her an excavator.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/22 05:04 AM
1

A good legal outcome hurts just as much as a bad one, sometimes.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/22 05:02 AM
1

Just the facts, just the facts. Ask about their experience. Ask about their fees. Ask about their team and support staff. Ask about the best way to communicate. See additional lawyers. At least three. When you choose one, let the others know.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/22 05:37 PM
2

Feel free to ping me if you’re in BKK - also happy to answer any questions.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/22 05:29 PM
1

Meh. Sounds like you’re gonna punish your daughter for her mother’s behavior. I’d take this as an opportunity to teach her good digital responsibility rather than to let her mom have all of that access. Pandora is out of the Box, channel it because you can’t put it back.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/22 06:26 AM
0

Oh so they’re still going to that school. And you went to trial on all issues or do you have a settlement agreement?
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/22 06:18 AM
3

So it’s about to get real rough for her. We have a 18 month old girl together so I will be helping financially with her of course while courts stuff gets settled. But that’s it. She ain’t getting anything more then what my daughter needs. That ain’t gonna be what it’s like. Get that expectation out of your head.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/22 06:15 AM
0

Well if they don’t go to that school anymore just get the order modified.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/22 06:13 AM
3

Typically you can’t be held in contempt if you literally are unable to comply. There should be a cap on the percent of net income you need to put towards support. But that said, this is the standard way arrearages are dealt with so it’s nothing to freak out about. But if you don’t have a lawyer and she does, you better reach out ahead of time to try to reach an agreement.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/22 06:11 AM
-3

Why would I need to go there to read a transcript?
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/22 06:08 AM
-1

Why don’t you reach out? Wtf.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/22 06:07 AM
3

Sell.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/22 06:06 AM
3

Every moment spent hating on her is a moment lost. Work through the source of your hate and then move the fuck on. I mean if it motivates you to do something good with your life, roll with it. But I doubt that’s the case.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/22 06:06 AM
2

Yeah 50/50 means you need to keep the kids in the school district. It’s literally called dying on a hill because you die on the hill.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/22 06:04 AM
-4

because she's a woman I don’t think that appears in the record.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/22 06:02 AM
3

Yeah, it’s oppressive to constantly think that everything you do could cause you a problem and every email, text or call is an attack.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/22 08:22 AM
1

Articles and studies are not evidence of the kind that is relevant to that question and even if they are, the court is unlikely to admit them. If you want to go that route, you’ll need someone to testify - such as an expert.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/22 02:07 AM
3

You’re beaten down and worn down. She’s constantly on the offensive and you’re constantly on the defensive. You’re marching to her drum, which can only wear you out further. Have you considered stoicism? Have you been diagnosed with anxiety?
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/22 02:03 AM
2

I fully agree with this.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/22 07:47 AM
3

We met after her divorce and immediately got married. Yes, divorce is your best option. You were her rebound. I am confident that I can double my salary as I took a very low-paying job and might be able to make more than what we both make now combined. Do not improve your financial position going into a divorce. I don't have to pay her anything and surely I don’t want her money either. If you have a right to alimony, you should at least pretend like you are seeking it. Otherwise you are throwing…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/22 07:40 AM
4

I'm so happy you have found something so meaningful. This is the first thing that has been convincing for me to watch the new episodes. Good on you. Keep on keeping on.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/22 07:39 AM
2

Yes, it is possible and the majority of divorces that I have come across between reasonable people are reasonably amicable. Pitfalls are one person getting input from a third party, like a friend going through a divorce who wants a buddy to suffer with, riling them up and getting them to go for blood. Mental health issues, revelation of affairs, financial misconduct or other unpleasant surprises also tend to blow things up. One person secretly not wanting to get the divorce or openly not wanting…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/22 07:37 AM
1

That's quite an extreme position.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/22 06:58 AM
1

Cheers!
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/22 02:48 AM
2

This.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/22 09:39 AM
3

I don't care the slightest about any detail of her life at all, except as it relates to my daughter. This is the way of the warrior.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/22 09:20 AM
2

Don’t develop a drinking problem. Fooled you, already got one!
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/22 09:17 AM
1

If you both agree to divorce and she doesn't waive alimony ... or agree to limited temporary alimony ... you're not agreeing to divorce, really.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/22 09:16 AM
2

You're dead to me.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/22 09:15 AM
0

Do you think the relationship will work long term?
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/22 03:45 AM
3

nope
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/22 03:44 AM
7

If she's moving out, let her. If she's asking you to move out, be careful. I'd go with the separation as she requests, play along. Don't stir up some massive conflict before she moves out. Once she's out, keep her happy in the separation. Get her accustomed to being on her own. Don't make her suffer. Then when you're ready, you can just file and move into divorce mode. It's a lot easier to convince someone to jump out of a plane if they believe they have a parachute.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/22 03:41 AM
1

???
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/22 02:02 AM
3

Get a lawyer yesterday.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/22 01:54 AM
1

Man, I can feel this.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/22 01:53 AM
10

You cheated. It's bad. There is a price to pay and you are paying it. But it doesn't mean you are required to suffer for the rest of your life or deserve an unfair settlement or outcome if you get divorced. Apologize, seek forgiveness, change your behaviors to try to rebuild trust. You should do all of that whether or not you get divorced. Generally speaking from my experience in the profession, women are better able to cope with cheating than men, provided they believe it was physical rather th…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/22 01:52 AM
1

However I cannot stand how men are always the ones who lose a lot when it comes to laws . Victim mentality.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/22 01:46 AM
8

Mine too. Always a victim Everything is somehow about them Every comment a criticism Endless whataboutisms Zero empathy Deep fear of any sort of introspection Its impossible to fix problems or have a real relationship with these people.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/22 01:45 AM
3

2 weeks ago, the kids completely reversed course as they started to see the cracks in mom’s “perfect” facade. 4 days ago, they returned to my apartment for an overnight stay and it was so good. What a great feeling! It must have hurt them so much to be compelled to reject you. Kid's love is strong!
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/22 01:44 AM
1

Seek to have the dog put down, that's good evidence, whether or not you follow through. Lots of pictures. Poor kid. Hopefully not much scarring or permanent damage. I would be fucking pissed. I am pissed reading this.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/22 03:20 AM
-2

Meh. Overdramatic. But always good to be nice to the clerks. If you're demanding or an asshole to them, you can expect that they will not exercise their considerable discretion in your favor.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/22 03:18 AM
3

Fuck around and find out. ~ The Court System It basically depends on whether you think she'll hire a lawyer. Modification proceedings are pretty heavy because, remember, the money is "for the kids" despite it going into her pocket.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/22 02:30 AM
2

What do you mean convinced the judge? Was there a hearing where you showed the financials? If there’s no money, there’s no money.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/22 01:08 AM
7

Roommates create fertile ground to mess with coparenting time. Make sure your place can accommodate your kids. Pass on the roommate for now.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/22 12:05 AM
3

Get on the first plane home. Accept the help from your family for a while. Regroup and handle the divorce, you’re honestly not walking away from that much even though it feels like a lot now. All the legal stuff can be handled remotely, you may need to go to a German Embassy in the US a few times.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/22 11:11 PM
3

That’s a fair assessment. Get back to the US and regroup. Not easy to be a stranger in a strange land.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/22 11:09 PM
2

Generally speaking, it’s great to think about and plan your post-divorce life. It helps to keep perspective and have something to look forward to, especially when it’s so easy to get wrapped up inside the divorce drama. The main things I wanted were peace, time with my kids, and to have a relationship with someone who wasn’t super-fucked up. I accomplished all three but then got my heart broken. Oh well, 2 outta 3 ain’t bad.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/22 01:05 AM
6

Excellent, please stick around!
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/22 01:01 AM
2

Your ex’s bf has no right to keep your children from you
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/22 12:19 AM
3

Gaining some perspectives is a loss
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/22 12:18 AM
11

Fuck that place
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/22 12:17 AM
1

More difficult to find than other hidden assets, I guess.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/22 11:43 PM
2

Thoughts and prayers.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/22 08:27 AM
2

But if that shit is joint debt - OP is phuct
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/22 07:54 AM
1

First step once you realize you've lost everything is realizing that you haven't lost everything, you've just hit bottom (hopefully).
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/22 06:59 AM
2

Classic "where there's smoke, there's fire" - start subpoena'ing the shit out of things. You can't sign a deal without knowing how bad the debt side of things has become. And get some order against her incurring more debt. God i wonder what her monthly debt service must be like.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/22 06:57 AM
2

Boundaries dude.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/22 06:54 AM
1

Head to the source!
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/22 06:53 AM
4

Funny how when the "start shit" tactic failed, she moved to the "make nice" tactic. Observing them shift tactics like velociraptors can be hilarious.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/22 06:50 AM
3

A man of action. Well done.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/22 06:48 AM
2

That’s her plan? Wtf
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/22 10:39 PM
3

Big win. Worst is when they have potential and you get all into them.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/22 09:07 AM
1

One guy refused to turn over his bank statements so we subpoena’d them from the bank, where he happened to work. The bank, in putting together the subpoena response, noticed some “irregularities” in a youth soccer club account he had signing authority over. They reported it to the Feds and he did two years. If he had turned over the documents voluntarily, there would have been no problem. Well, not at that time or by us. We wanted him to pay child support and he couldn’t do that from jail.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/22 02:41 AM
1

Pretty raw now, brother. You'll come back. It'll come back. Do the needful.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/22 02:40 AM
1

Depending on what country or state you are in, yes, investigations are very common in Divorce. Something like 80-90% of divorces now use evidence from social media. In terms of banks, usually the attorney can request to court to order the bank to turn over your statements. Credit cards also. All of this is common, to some degree or another, in every divorce in order to ensure that the parties are not hiding significant assets, wasting marital assets, or income. Failing to comply with valid disco…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/22 02:12 AM
9

Something’s not adding up. Did you actually read the order? Did you go to full hearing to challenge the order with a lawyer yet?
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/22 01:28 AM
4

Calm down. Stop beating yourself up. If you play your cards right, it’s not as bad as everyone claims.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/22 01:26 AM
5

AintNobodyGotTimeForThat.gif
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/22 01:23 AM
1

Dude, I did. Could not be happier. Thank you!
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 03:44 PM
7

Wish I could give you a gold. Your wish was granted. signed, your fairy godfather
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 03:43 PM
2

She got some voodoo over you or what?
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 03:38 PM
5

The roughness of the divorce does not define the relationship afterwards. Like everything, do not expect to be rewarded in the afterlife for being nice to her now. Keep it civil if you can but don't kid yourself into thinking she'll magically be a great ex because you gave her another 100k.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 10:50 AM
2

Ten plus years in the practice, but I haven't kept track. Not able to fulfill your statistical requirements. Seen plenty of the other kind, also. Some guys are built to be able to walk away I guess.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 08:25 AM
1

True 50/50 is a support minimizing strategy, not a zero support scenario.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 05:27 AM
1

Have you seen this play out in practice? I.e. where the IRS challenges which parent claims the children? The only time it comes up is if both parents claim the children.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 05:25 AM
1

Minimal expectations for mediation. Inform yourself as to assets, debts, incomes so you can go in with a good faith, knowledge based approach but if she throws some stupid shit out there, give her one chance to withdraw it and if she doesn't walk. This assumes that you're not super amicable.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 05:19 AM
2

There will be mandatory disclosures and discovery. Better that she lies on her than you lie on yours.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 05:17 AM
2

You always do :D
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 05:16 AM
1

Train wreck ...you will end up sleeping with her I have seen this not less than a million times.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 05:14 AM
2

You're good, yo.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 05:13 AM
1

um nope.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 05:12 AM
1

Don't. But you will. I would consider informing my direct manager that I am going through a divorce to see if there are any resources available and also so they are aware not to give you raises or promote you during that time. Other than that, burdening your co-workers (and NO MATTER WHAT YOU THINK OR WHAT THEY SAY it is a burden) is a piss poor strategy. Work should be your refuge, not a place for the divorce to shadow you.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 05:11 AM
3

My drinking played a huge role in my divorce, much more of a chronic thing over time than any sort of acute day of reckoning. It takes it's toll on your partner and, kind of weirdly, they get used to it and the damage is done. So even if you get better, especially if we've failed previously, we can't expect them to get excited for us and be enthused or willing to stick around. Not a moral judgment, just a fact of life and part of reality. No matter what, they've carried a lot of water for us in …
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 05:08 AM
1

I will never retire.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 05:05 AM
1

And as another thought, I'm probably hardened to cheating after seeing so much of it for so many years and it being more or less irrelevant to the legal side of things. So I get that it's a thing but morally, well, I can't really judge people for it if I want to help them.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 05:04 AM
1

That’s debatable.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 04:16 AM
1

I completely disagree that gender is irrelevant. Your STBX will interact differently with differently gendered lawyers. But always only hire good lawyers, on that we can agree.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 01:58 AM
1

I tried texting and telling how hurt I was and she threw it right back on me. Never do this.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 01:56 AM
3

Amicable divorces happen a lot, but so do high-conflict divorces. It is very easy for amicable divorces to turn high conflict, but not vice versa. This sub is very skewed towards high conflict.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 01:56 AM
1

I don't care.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 01:52 AM
4

High road. Regardless of what people say on here.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 01:51 AM
1

I wonder what the IRS would have to say about this.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 01:48 AM
1

It depends on your personality and your stbx's personality. Also depends on your stbx's lawyer. And you can't lump lawyers in specifically by gender. I am a recovering divorce lawyer and my divorce lawyer was a woman. My ex is also a professional, so her desire to be seen as professional by another professional woman kept her in line. If my lawyer had been some dude, she would have been her normal snitty self. So I think.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 01:46 AM
5

I don't discuss it much.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 01:44 AM
1

The question itself is wrongly worded. Nobody I've ever known who has gone through this has walked away from their kids, nobody chose to. A shockingly high number of guys do.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 01:42 AM
1

Wow, this is meaningful. Thank you for spelling out what we all hope for in this sub - to make sure other guys don't have to take it on the chin quite as hard as we did.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 01:41 AM
4

Its exhausting. This. 1,000 times this.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 01:38 AM
3

seems petty - and conflict seeking - would not recommend raising this as an issue in the divorce it was a gift from you to her, probably not subject to property division. And the judge will look at you sideways if it comes up.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 01:03 AM
1

So he needs to mention that in every post and should forever pay penance to this sub? Sure, OP needs to own it and if she knows or suspects, it will certainly be relevant. The problem is that /u/dadavedavid's post was purely nasty, off point and, as I said, not supportive or productive. No person in a divorce should face eternal punishment for their sins and certainly not here.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 01:01 AM
1

Strawmanning the entire sub. Fantastic.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 12:56 AM
1

Great info and appreciate the confirmation, looks like you're divorce buddies now :D
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 08:37 AM
4

Wow, this was all a ruse to make it about YOU. Fair dinkum. You're above us all ...
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 07:54 AM
1

My super brief research supports this view.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 07:31 AM
4

I'd take a look at this article - relevant portion snipped: By contrast, for long-term marriages, Judge Winsor said to put the parties on equal financial footing for many years if not for the remainder of their lives. This means maintenance awards after long-term marriages tend to be enough to ensure each party has half the former family’s financial resources after considering future earnings, maintenance, and property. Consider a simplified example where the parties are debt free, in good healt…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 07:30 AM
2

ok, and ...
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 07:19 AM
2

Big fan of tough love. But this isn't it. Again, /r/divorce would love you.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 07:14 AM
1

For sure. We are the goose that lays the golden eggs and what's good for the goose is good for the gander.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 02:13 AM
1

Go for it. But be aware, your problems follow you. If you don't deal with your issues, even new things and new places will eventually find a way to remind you of your old life and memories.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 02:12 AM
7

Superdad. And make your current place a massive haven of bells and whistles. Start taking them to as many places (zoos, museums, etc.). Organize as many play dates as you can. Don't counter that bullshit with negativity. And also ask the kid a lot of questions about the new place, their understanding is really shallow, probably. Get to questions they can't answer, then those will go up the chain and your ex will get stuck.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 02:07 AM
6

Do the pre-game wank.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 02:04 AM
5

This isn't supportive or productive. Maybe you're a better fit for /r/divorce
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 02:02 AM
4

Boom.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 02:00 AM
1

I've heard it works. :D
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/22 09:34 AM
1

Come visit! Palatine native myself.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/22 08:11 AM
1

LOL
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/22 06:49 AM
4

I hear you. Every single one of us have been in your shoes to some extent or another. Deep breaths. Ask questions. Mandatory initial steps: Secure your sensitive documents and personal possessions. Take not less than your share of the funds in any joint accounts. Change all passwords and passcodes. Schedule an initial consultation with a lawyer (preferably 3). Do not pay down debts or other obligations outside of what is normally done. And poke around this subreddit for a bunch of experiences, t…
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/22 05:33 AM
4

Don't stop her from moving out. Put up somewhat of a fight on the furniture, but in the end its not typically worth it, make sure it's documented and valued. If any of it is heirloom from your family, she can't take that. But if she's looking for the exit, don't put roadblocks in her way. As for the military stuff - we have a few good men on this subreddit who know that forwards and backwards.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/22 05:22 AM
1

Marriage exacerbates any pre-existing conditions. If she wants to get married and you don't want to flat out say, no. Suggest going to couples counseling because you "really want to make it work" and this is a big change in your relationship. Then when all the shit comes out, you can back away.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/22 05:19 AM
2

How would you do that? Almost every state I know of has a financial disclosure form both parties are required to fill out for their assets, income, expenses, debt, etc. That's the first salvo in the information war. If you want to conduct detailed financial planning or analysis before you file, then you'll have to make assumptions. I don't suggest going digging through her private files or computer, if you don't have access to it already.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/22 05:17 AM
1

I couldn't find a solid answer with some research but it seems like if there's any way for it to continue after the divorce, you'll need to remain on the mortgage and guarantee it. I would resist that with every fiber of my being.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/22 01:29 AM
2

Best answer.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/22 01:28 AM
1

Ballpark is the amount it would take for her to maintain your current standard of living. But if there's no formula, kind of a shit show unless there's a "rule of thumb" based upon gross or net income.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/22 01:27 AM
2

File and use the power of the court to compel disclosure.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/22 01:25 AM
1

You can comply or they can subpoena, if they have a right to them. You can comply and if you redact, they will subpoena. If they don't have a right to them, then don't provide them.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/22 01:24 AM
1

Your post doesn't match your question. Property division and alimony are two completely separate issues. If she's entitled to alimony and you want to buy her out of it, she's going to walk away with substantially more than half.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/22 01:22 AM
1

Well, that's an interesting take she's got there. I remember one moment where our daughter was invited to a birthday party that conflicted with her ice skating lesson. The ex having taken no initiative to socialize our daughter leaving it all to me, flew into a rage when I said I was cancelling the lesson so she could go to the party. At the end of it all, her reason for this came out as she didn't want me to blame her when my daughter didn't do well at the next competition for letting her miss …
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/22 01:19 AM
1

Some guys can walk out on their kids. I'm not one of them.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/22 01:17 AM
3

The burden of communication is on the communicator, not the recipient. Problems need to be raised, explained and dealt with when they come up, and that requires the person with the problem to express themselves if they want some result. Women dropping hints is a tale as old as time, men not picking up on them is one hint younger.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/22 01:16 AM
4

Not my experience.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/22 04:44 AM
8

I know this hurts and it's not your fault but your marriage is over, as a practicality. So what you need to do now is get to the point where your marriage is over, legally. Responding like this, for what is essentially a non-issue legally, is conflict seeking behavior that serves no purpose. Detach the emotion from the process, as best you can. There's no spoonful of sugar for this bitter pill so it's better to just swallow it without chewing. Get through the separation period, however your lawy…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/22 04:42 AM
4

I had a hearing today for illegal custody of the kids. I was ordered to return the kids to their mother until my time with them this summer. That's disappointing under the circumstances. But hopefully just another month or so until you get them.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/22 04:30 AM
5

Seems like your lawyer's got the legal handled, which is good. As for the kids, how you help them cope depends a lot on their ages and what they can process. Have you talked to their therapist on the recent developments?
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/22 02:15 AM
1

Not going to say that doesn't happen, but in this case it looks like she's incentivized to drag things out and with OP moving out of the house, moreso. And OP's lawyer has told him to go to trial, which is correct for someone who just sits on a financial benefit. Think of it an eviction proceeding. As soon as OP's lawyer pushes for trial, STBX's lawyer will pretend to serious about negotiations, to give OP hope it will resolve without trial, and then drag it another 6-18 months. Four years seems…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/22 02:12 AM
2

Do you have lawyers? Do you have kids? Have you decided on all personal property? All financials? Any QDRO required?
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/22 02:02 AM
3

Never complain, never explain. Yep.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/22 01:58 AM
2

You need to chill, bro. Your boys are old enough to understand what their father needs to do to provide. Who gives a flying fuck what she thinks or says? In the end, what the fuck is she going to do about it? It's just words bro. Send her a fucking sympathy card.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/22 01:55 AM
1

Yes.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/22 01:54 AM
2

The only thing more expensive than trial, is not going to trial.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/22 01:52 AM
2

Repost with paragraphs, please for the love of all that is holy, paragraphs. Intro: Title says it all. I live in Florida, and I am dealing with what I feel is next level crazy. I've been in this battle for going on 4 years, with what seems like no progress. If anything I feel like some things have gone backwards. STBX not conducting herself within civil behavioral norms: I have a million examples of her lying, manipulating and flat out bullying to get her way in situations, yet no one seems to c…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/22 01:51 AM
2

Do what you need to do to provide. No question you did a great thing by choosing him during some key developmental years but reality is reality.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/22 01:43 AM
3

Well. Man up and see her through the pregnancy and first 12-18 months, I'd say. Then reassess. Unless she's willing to terminate.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/22 01:41 AM
1

You need a hearing because your case is not uncontested, at all. You are contesting and have not decided on a number of issues. You're also angry because being willing to pay a lawyer 5 grand over paying 1 grand to your stbx is not rational. But yes, if you can work out these things, you may want to get a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/22 11:56 AM
3

Repost; In NH btw. No kids or property. Married 6 years seperated 3 months ago. My main question is do I need a lawyer? We originally agreed on an even split of everything. She moved out into a friends. I took over all bills and she only paid her car payment for 4 months. We had a slight disagreement on furniture. I told her to take anything she wanted from the apartment(I picked out nothing) She didn't want to move it. I told her to sell it and she said she didnt have time. I said I didn't have…
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/22 11:28 AM
3

I am worried this will change my stbxw perspective. Yes. It is highly likely. But it sounds like you don't have that much to fight over and with no kids, just get it done and try to have it be about even. Don't be petty about the small shit. EDIT: Also, fix your formatting.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/22 11:27 AM
5

That's a great additional point - overleveraging guilt is another massive loss for us
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/22 08:01 AM
3

What. Does. The. Agreement. Say.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/22 01:24 AM
2

being a mid 50s independent consultant. Hard to plan around feast or famine, been there. Still there to an extent.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/22 01:23 AM
1

The main thing, my wife shows no interest in getting a lawyer or even learning about the process. This means she doesn't want to get divorced. So if that's the case, why waste time mediating, negotiating or anything? Divorce is cheaper, faster and easier when it's a voluntary process for both sides but when it's not, then there's really no point to waste time. Counterpoint: if she'll sign anything you put in front of her, well, then get a decent agreement put together and go for it. Either way y…
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/22 01:22 AM
1

Easier said than done - but yep, this is the way.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/22 01:18 AM
2

This is a great way to look at things.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/22 01:17 AM
2

Bingo.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/22 01:17 AM
1

Amen.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/22 01:16 AM
2

How to ruin your kids #101
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/22 01:16 AM
3

It's called taking the high road and long-term, you get better results if you can maintain it. But it's hard and it hurts and you feel like you're losing along the way. Being civil is not about their feelings, it's about your composure and ability to achieve a result. Anger is a weapon, you should use it tactically because otherwise it's wasted. True story: beaten down diminutive wife never stood up to husband, he was demanding something outrageous in the negotiation and wife wanted to give in. …
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/22 01:15 AM
3

our pleasure
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/22 01:10 AM
8

Every man should have to go through a divorce boot camp.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/22 09:38 AM
13

Yes. Look, some divorces are truly amicable and then it's fine to be amicable. But what usually passes for "amicable" is the man giving in on everything.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/22 09:29 AM
1

Kind of cheesy but helpful for me: https://youtu.be/XiCrniLQGYc
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/22 06:43 AM
3

So much this. I remember the moment with crystal clarity. She replied to some comment with a whataboutism and the therapist said, "You didn't respond to pegleg's comment, you just blamed him for an unrelated thing. Can you try to speak to what he said?" She fell silent. Then conjured up some tears. The session ended shortly thereafter with her checked out for the remaining moments. We never went back, but that moment where someone - besides us - experienced her bullshit was vindicating.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/22 05:11 AM
1

Don't walk away from the money, fucking your immediate financial future for the momentary relief of hitting the eject button is not worth it. Dog custody battles are very common. And a waste of money because dogs are property, not kids, in the eyes of the law. Your housing situation is bizarre and it seems like that's where she can screw you up with your job or whatever, if she decides to go scorched earth. See a lawyer, of course, but before you talk to her - the first thing you need to do is t…
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/22 04:56 AM
1

Go see your therapist.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/22 04:51 AM
1

What. Does. The. Agreement. Say. ?
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/22 04:49 AM
2

Generally speaking, the content of settlement negotiations cannot be used as evidence at trial. But frankly speaking, I don't understand what you've written.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/22 04:47 AM
2

Go for a drive alone and scream all the nasty shit you really want to say to her at the top of your lungs - i promise you it works. You can't control your anger, but you simply must learn to control yourself. She wins with every nasty thing you say.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/22 04:46 AM
2

Stop negotiating. Petition the court to force the sale and re-entry to the marital residence. But if you ask me, the bullshit is YOU sending them back an agreement an hour before the hearing - just asking for shit to go haywire. If you take personal offense at the terms set forth in an agreement - which you can counter-offer on - you're playing the game wrong. This is a business deal, this is a game, and a zero-sum one at that when it comes to all things financial except the potential to save on…
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/22 04:43 AM
4

You buy her out, she buys you out or you sell it. Which leaves you buying her out as the only option. Either party can force the sale, however, so you need to come up with the cash and appease her instinct to wreck shit so she doesn't force the sale. I'd file the month that she moves out. But that's just me.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/22 04:40 AM
2

Is she going to buy your legal arguments? Has this approach ever worked with her in the past? I would set the stage by sending her receipts that she owes you money (if she does) and demand repayment. Then once you corner her on what she owes you, the check will magically appear and then she can extinguish some of her debt (which you would likely never collect anyway) and you get the cash. Not sure if that approach will work in your circumstances.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/22 04:36 AM
14

Since you're in the opposite of traditional gender roles (and btw I loved my brief time as a SAHD and wish I never went back to the workforce some days), you can browse women's divorce forums and just more or less apply most of those tactics to your own situation. To optimize your outcome, if she trivializes your business, that's good. Let her keep thinking it will amount to not much. You do not want to IMPROVE your financial situation heading into a divorce. If you lack access to cash and other…
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/22 04:33 AM
1

This is one of men's (and women's) worst behaviors in divorce. And by worst, I mean most expensive in terms of legal fees.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/22 04:28 AM
1

So she's launching into discovery with no mediation attempts or settlement talks? Aside from "the question" is the discovery primarily financially focused? What do you fear will happen if you answer the question honestly? Have you ever admitted it to her directly?
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/22 04:26 AM
1

Petty isn't a good look. But do your thing if it makes you feel better. Seems unhealthy at a number of levels though.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/22 04:45 AM
1

Everyone is going to yap on about abandonment and whatnot and that's fine. But the real reason not to move out is strategic. Make your bunker, don't take no shit, and keep the pressure on to resolve it. I'm not leaving until the divorce is over, is the message you want to send without saying it directly.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/22 04:44 AM
1

What's the basis of her request as stated in the petition, then?
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/22 04:41 AM
2

As a lawyer, I think it is best for the parties to circumvent the lawyers whenever possible to reach settlement through direct negotiations. That said, your approach is weak and she will light you up. If she knows you want to end it, she will prolong it. As divorce is a zero sum game, you need to appeal to her best interests and desires, not your own. And in most cases, not even mutual desires are that effective. It needs to be more assertive or aggressive. "The more I spend on my lawyer, the le…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/22 03:03 AM
1

Sounds like depression - that may or may not get better unless you get help. See a shrink, fix yourself. Then you'll feel better.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/22 02:57 AM
1

You don't have to forgive her. Just get what you can for you and the kid and move on. Let the hate motivate you but never let it make you angry in the course of the divorce, because then you lose.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/22 02:56 AM
1

If she has a legit job offer outside of that area, you're probably fucked. I'd relax the restriction if needed, rather than completely eliminate it.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/22 02:55 AM
2

Don't ever horse trade child support with anything except with court approval upon advice of counsel. Child support is a right of the children that cannot be waived by the parents in most cases. So you sign on the dotted line and then they come back for child support - and you're stuck. Oldest trick in the book.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/22 02:54 AM
1

From the other side ... obviously
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/22 02:52 AM
1

Dumpster fire.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/22 02:52 AM
1

Why is she angry?
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/22 02:51 AM
2

No, they're not trying to get rid of you based upon the facts you have posted here. Ethical attorneys will not knowingly lie to the court on your behalf. What is the status of settlement?
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/22 02:50 AM
3

Dipping out while she's pregnant isn't a good look. But the bullet, bite your tongue, get the kid out, get tested and then work on it. You do not want this negativity with the kid in utero.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 10:36 AM
1

You should first work on your relationship with yourself. It's okay to talk nicely to yourself. And maybe your kids will also have difficulty establishing and maintaining good long-term relationships. So helping them to understand themselves while you're in the process of understanding yourself is a good thing. What do your parents think about this view you have of yourself?
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 10:15 AM
2

"The house is getting sold, one way or another, we can either sell it now and have more money or sell it later and have less money. You decide." And that would be my walkaway issue.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 10:09 AM
2

Realize that the relationship is coming out of covid, which forced most couples to spend a lot more time together than they otherwise would have. Major stressor. Once that subsides, you'll be able to think more clearly. That said, I've seen a lot of couples who started out together quite young grow apart from one another to the point where the marriage breaks down irretrievably. And when either party is not willing to follow the reasonable (although perhaps not correct or perfect) recommendation…
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 09:58 AM
1

thanks!
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 09:31 AM
2

big fan of lump sum if you can make it happen
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 04:27 AM
3

Don't forget, she's not your therapist. If you treat her like one, your fees will be double what they could have been.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 04:27 AM
1

alimony can usually be non-modifiable in most states I'm aware
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 04:26 AM
1

spousal
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 04:23 AM
6

Does your state have a spousal support disbursement unit? Sometimes it only works for child support - get her wrapped up in that system and she'll be begging to start writing checks again - and whatever petition you end up filing, you'll probably be awarded atty fees
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 04:22 AM
1

Petty Betty
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 04:20 AM
2

grazie!
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/22 04:19 AM
1

Find a more neutral or even positive source of information. Refer to 1.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/22 01:58 AM
4

This man has strategeries and cohones.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/22 01:56 AM
2

It happens. You've both come to the brink and begun the process. If the major issue is seriously only in-laws - well, that can be solved. If there are other serious underlying issues that you haven't mentioned, it may be a different story. Covid has put a lot of stress on so many relationships, coming out of it - divorce may not be the answer.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/22 01:56 AM
5

I got an attorney - what's the best way to leverage them? Advise them of your goals and check whether they're realistic. Adjust and come up with a strategy to achieve them. Make sure your lawyer is a good match for your STBX. For female affairs, better to have a sharp old fatherly tough as nails litigator. I want to have 50/50 for my daughter (12f). Is that possible? Anything is possible. But through negotiation, not necessarily from the judge. So you need to get advice on the likelihood of the …
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/22 01:45 AM
4

Who is the primary caregiver? Can you handle 50/50? What did the parenting responsibility look like pre-divorce? The reason 50/50 isn't the norm in most places is because most relationships aren't 50/50. The other primary driver for 50/50 - and probably the main one I see - is to reduce child support payments. So if that's your motivation and you have no parenting evidence to back up 50/50 - kinda wasting legal fees unless you can get her to agree. But the judges won't buy it.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/22 01:29 AM
1

immediately_regret_this_decision.gif
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/22 01:26 AM
1

You are certainly entitled to your view and also entitled to mischaracterize mine if you think that's what will get you internet points.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/22 01:25 AM
1

facebook official is a pretty big trigger for some people - digging into it, while OP had no real obligation to let her know he was going FBO, he shouldn't really be surprised that there was some reaction.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/22 09:41 AM
1

I think it means that although they had been separated for a while, he finally revealed it on social media (facebook official). Which is an event in and of itself but not the first time she found out.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/22 09:27 AM
1

Because she's known for less than 24 hours that she's getting a divorce and she's still sort of in shock trying to figure out what it all means. I don't think that's what he means.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/22 08:58 AM
3

I would memorialize this in detail and begin a diary of disruption/inteference/non-compliance - it may come in handy later.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/22 08:28 AM
1

My advice as to your demeanor would be: Don't be smug or laugh (if this wasn't so serious, your honor, it would be laughable - is about as far as you want to go) Be offended, be upset Stick to the facts You can't get the time back with your kid Unless your lawyer otherwise advises, of course.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/22 02:49 AM
1

Mandatory pre-marital due diligence process.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/22 02:38 AM
1

Bangkok.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/22 02:33 AM
1

You can get it done and dusted in a couple months if you cave on everything and thereby fuck your children's future.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/22 02:33 AM
1

100% up to her, don't let her use it as a bargaining chip. Let it go, 100%. You have ZERO leverage here.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/22 02:32 AM
2

Baby sitters, dude. Au pairs. Whatever you can muster. DO NOT RELY ON YOUR STBX
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/22 02:30 AM
1

It's gonna happen, bro. Prepare now, cry later. Or maybe do both at the same time. Do not delude yourself, please. If i were you, I would file.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/22 02:29 AM
3

My attorney told he's been trying to get her to set a date. When is the next court date? There has to be a future date on the docket if the case is active. Just instruct your attorney to go to hearing.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/22 02:28 AM
3

Glad you're fighting it. Just tell the truth and/or what your lawyer tells you to say :D - surprisingly few of these bogus ones withstand full hearing, despite what this sub would have you believe.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/22 02:26 AM
2

It's called make-up visitation and flexibility in scheduling. I'd provide her the minimum notice possible, though in case your work doesn't give you 2 months.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/22 05:47 AM
2

Sure, she can file a petition for you to pay her attorneys' fees. Not that uncommon if there is a disparity in income or access to assets between the parties.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/22 05:45 AM
2

From my perspective, the fact that you are both even willing to try this means you are both capable of putting your kids first. When things get difficult in the divorce, remember this and compliment her genuinely - compliment yourselves. Believe me this is rare.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/22 02:58 AM
1

I think you'll get the same advice here as we would give men when their ex-wives do this - don't fall for it. Give him whatever legal access to the kids he is entitled to but he is not entitled to you, your time or your attention.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/22 02:53 AM
1

Get a specialist. 5 years is not a lot of experience in divorce, especially coming from a criminal defense background. Don't be penny-wise pound foolish either.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/22 02:51 AM
1

Nesting is great if you can make it work. Kudos to both of you for trying.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/22 02:49 AM
1

yeah baby! thank her for the cheap thrill, which seemed great. Affection after wandering through the desert of a shitty marriage is great, overwhelming even. Keep up the yoga and gtfo when you feel the time is right. Mid-50s isn't old, you'd be surprised what you can still do.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/22 02:48 AM
2

On Sunday I helped my son make a card and got a small gift for his mom for Mother's Day along with cooking on Sunday....of course the card and gift weren't enough and I didn't cook what her highness wanted... even though I asked what she wanted twice. The only problem I have with this is that you asked. She should be grateful you thought of her. Come father's day (when you're gone btw), wtf will happen? Jack shit - at least that would be my expectation. Good on you for having your son do right b…
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/22 02:46 AM
4

Stop negotiating and go to trial. That's it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/22 02:44 AM
1

Yeah, like everyone ever. Careful where you stick your nose.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/22 02:41 AM
1

meh ... you're making your bed so you shouldn't complain that you have to sleep in it. I guess you're just here to bitch. No worries.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/22 02:41 AM
1

yeah but why don't you silence your ex-wife's notifications ...
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/22 11:42 AM
1

As long as you are aware of what's going on and being realistic with your emotional investment, I don't see too much harm to you in giving it a shot. There's something to be said for not giving up and being right with yourself that you did more than anyone could expect to try to fix things.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/22 11:16 AM
1

Simple: Don't invest the time or expectation. Have the kids do the planning to whatever age level they are able, that way she'll be hurting them instead of you - which seems to be the outcome she's seeking - very successfully ...
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/22 09:38 AM
1

2 years is a sufficient amount of planning time. Use it.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/22 09:36 AM
1

You really laid it out well. You tried accommodate what he needed, sexually, but that didn't work out because he became emotionally attached to another. Plus, he breached the only condition you had on his freedom, there cannot be trust in this kind of partner. I guess I would ask myself that even if I took off all conditions on who he gets involved with, would the relationship last? It seems like it wouldn't.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/22 09:21 AM
1

The worst thing you can do besides filing divorce against a woman who doesn't want to get divorced, is agree to a divorce she doesn't really want. It seems she's unable to communicate in a non "this is the end of it all" way. That's not healthy. Either get into therapy or get out of the marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/22 09:15 AM
1

She's your ex, not your W. Words matter.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/22 09:13 AM
1

Why don't you just turn off her notifications? If I were your gf, I'd be gone already as you're still beholden to your ex. I mean, you snap to attention when your ex-pings you - so that's probably less attention than you give your gf. You need to set boundaries if you want them to be respected.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/22 09:10 AM
1

You should save that for later, if possible.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/22 09:08 AM
2

Why do you need motivation to stay single?
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/22 09:06 AM
1

Is she on unemployment?
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/22 09:06 AM
2

She's forcing you to force the sale of the house.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/22 09:05 AM
0

You said you asked to be taken off the lease.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/22 08:52 AM
4

Many of us were where you are now. You need to find it within yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/22 09:47 AM
2

The landlord has no legal obligation to take you off the lease and neither does your ex-wife. Send notice of termination or let it go. Good luck with the deposit, does the lease say the deposit will be returned 50/50 to each lessee? Are you going to take her to small claims court over it? Is there anything in the divorce agreement you are entitled to offset it against if she keeps it all?
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/22 09:44 AM
2

As with all of these scientific analyses, the delta is always the thing to worry about. Has she always accused you to this extent? The stopping of sex could be hormonal but if she seems like she's still after the sexy ... well then take that into consideration. All in all I give it a 72% chance that she's cheating, at least emotionally. However, the lack of physical evidence is interesting if she's an inside cat.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/22 10:40 AM
4

This showing of weakness will be exploited.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/22 09:14 AM
1

You did the right thing.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/22 09:13 AM
2

well, I should have read your reply first. lol ... echoing this
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/22 06:15 AM
1

Do you ever wonder whether you're overthinking this? Have you ended a date early, even if you liked the person? You need to untrain yourself from the marriage/serious mindset for a while, IMO. Show yourself that there are a lot of fish in the sea. Be your absolute self on a few of these dates. Two hours of talking seems like a lot for a first date. Are you sure they appreciate it? Do you talk about your marriage? How many second dates have you been on? Do you go do activities? The husband marrie…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/22 05:55 AM
2

We try. But we've heard them all a hundred times.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/22 05:47 AM
5

Brother, you just got to gut it for a while. Kids can take a lot more responsibility than we think and don't always need our attention. How long do you think it will be until you can catch your breath? If not, then you need to carve out some time somehow. Babysitter? Friends? Church? There are a ton of resources out there. Don't ever feel guilty, not for a minute. If you can't function, no one can.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/22 05:33 AM
10

today she says “I don’t want you to hate me forever…” It won't be forever, eventually you'll die bitch.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/22 05:28 AM
1

I hear ya. When you're on the inside, it seems like forever. Proud of you for sticking it out as long as you have under the circumstances. That would rip me apart. Out of curiosity, how do you have that conversation???
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/22 05:25 AM
4

Sucks getting blindsided.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/22 02:05 AM
2

If there isn't a lot of conflict, then why divorce right now? Do you want to start dating or just be out of the house? And typically (not legal advice), you don't want to pay off your debts before you head into a divorce. You also don't want a raise or promotion. The worse of a financial position you are in headed into and throughout a divorce, the better it is in most cases.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/22 01:54 AM
3

Yep. Pretty ballsy to put this on her.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/22 01:48 AM
2

Yea, exactly. OP needs to rethink his attitude.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/22 01:48 AM
3

This is fucking nuts.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/22 01:47 AM
-1

Let's see - you just got through covid (a huge stressor) and now BOTH your parents have moved in with you and have cancer (massive stressor). Did she sign up for this? Did SHE make the mistake? Show some fucking compassion and go your separate ways, if that's the plan. Don't fuck her on her immigration, though, if that was part of your deal.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/22 01:47 AM
4

I know a lot of dudes whose passports were yanked for failing to pay child support - not sure this applies to spousal support, haven't seen it. But any income generated in the U.S. (or assets located there), such as your pension, would be subject to being garnished (or seized). There are some complications and at some point, you may wish to go back. Anyway, if you're not just venting, I'm happy to answer questions.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/22 01:44 AM
3

this was one of my first exposures to dark humor way back when ...
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/22 01:40 AM
1

lol, for sure - I'm trying to find the youtube clip of the first time i heard this
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/22 01:39 AM
2

Better than "Ground up in the freezer."
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/22 08:51 AM
4

Extremely high level of truthiness here.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/22 08:40 AM
2

she's still hateful and vicious prepare your anus The only ways forward you have are: (1) submit to her will and control or (2) a divorce with 95% probability of it blowing up. From your side, you should march forward in as clinical a fashion as possible. She loves you and she hates you for what you've done. If you aren't willing to submit to her control, there's no way to rebuild trust AND even then, it's super difficult. You cannot, sir, have it both ways.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/22 08:37 AM
2

Spousal support is typically non-modifiable. Read your settlement agreement.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/22 08:22 AM
1

I'd talk to a lawyer in AZ, as well. Don't spill the beans, of course. And regardless of whether the affair has legal value, it certainly is leverage on an emotional level and you can use it. But for those who say affairs have no legal meaning, perhaps not but with them come financial leverage for wasting of the marital estate, etc. In this situation, I'd file and then let her know she's being served. When she asks why, just say "You know why."
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/22 08:21 AM
3

Good on you, sir.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/22 08:18 AM
2

Like, can she just decide to scrap the whole thing, if we’ve already signed off on everything? Typically, yes. Nothing is "final" until it is incorporated into a judgment of the court. Silly her, though, now you should get a lawyer. It's rare that you get a chance to correct a mistake, don't waste it.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/22 08:17 AM
3

This is patently untrue and horrible fucking advice.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/22 07:47 AM
1

Is what possible? There is no requirement that you go to someone's office to review documents. And if they won't put them in an email, then you know for sure something is up and they're trying to fuck you.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/22 07:47 AM
1

You should not represent yourself in this case.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/22 07:46 AM
2

Pretty common to lose a DVPO if it's not full hearing. If she's got the evidence, well, then you're gonna have to live with those consequences. Not sure why you don't just file and get it over with. Are there any allegations of you acting against the kids?
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 08:26 AM
6

Drama seekers.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 07:52 AM
1

Did your lawyer advise you to settle your debts before filing? This is bizarre and will work against you.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 03:37 AM
9

Meh. You do you. He blocked you so, so what. He's probably scared AF that his wife will find out.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 02:40 AM
1

Are you asking this question seriously?
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 02:38 AM
3

Tell them to email you the drafts, then you can wait. Otherwise, hire someone ASAP. Did she file already? Were you served already?
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 02:37 AM
5

You can't pick and choose. If you offer up your ear, expect it to be filled.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 02:36 AM
2

It's politics, friend and she's a better stumper. Well done on the "buying their love" thing - it's a nasty business but it's really necessary when mom isn't acting in good faith. Get them over there as much as you can and once they get used to it, then you can begin to reinstate some discipline. Are they playing you two off one another? That'll be next once they figure out you're both enticing them. I feel for you, but in the end they'll learn.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 02:11 AM
1

If 15 year old and 6 year old are close, half your problem is solved.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 01:58 AM
1

Yes, you will be okay and he will be okay, but you need to fight for your rights.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 01:57 AM
4

Not sure where you are but the all agreements must be approved by a judge before they are entered as a part of a judgment for dissolution of marriage. No, the mediator is not prohibited from expressing their views, that's their fundamental job in order to try to reach agreement. Have you downloaded a sample marital settlement agreement and joint parenting agreement from your local court website and gone through it in detail together? If you don't do that before you see a mediator, you're wasting…
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 01:26 AM
1

Only one person can decide whether it is or not. Let me know if she ends up in the slammer for this. Great use of resources ...
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 01:19 AM
2

They can order you to negotiate but they can't order you to agree! But glad you got it done.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 01:12 AM
1

Yeah, there's a lot of that too. No question about it.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 05:28 AM
1

Damn, those are pretty sensitive ages. Like just on the cusp of figuring things out. Fortunately, they're old and smart enough to know they're being fed some bullshit about you. I'm no shrink but have dealt with clients going through this many times and the advice they mostly receive is not really to make comments but more just ask questions and be sensitively honest when asked questions. Figure out what they think and feel and try not to be too judgmental I guess. It's really frustrating when o…
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 05:27 AM
1

Generally agree, but i've seen some nasty nasty divorces end up with the parents actually being amazing friends and co-parents a couple years after it was over. For some people, once the stress of this "forever shitty relationship" is gone - they lighten up tremendously. In the end, if her psych issues are not fixable or she doesn't fix them, she may not be capable of having healthy relationships so ... just a case of managing.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 03:04 AM
2

It's been eating me alive that I know this and she is just parading around like a 16 year old with a new boyfriend. Bare minimum with the kids, will not help with any housework at all, she puts it on the kids or ignores it for me to do. Do NOT force responsibility on the other parent. Get maximal custody and parenting time, then jettison them from your life. This is about your kids and what's best for them. Get into therapy and deal with your own shit as you go, but for now - buck up and move fo…
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 02:55 AM
1

6 months is about the minimum. With teens, the concerns about "new mommy" and "adult bonding" are attenuated. So long as they're mature enough to understand that. I think this would be more nerve wracking for your girlfriend than them! And the second she tries to parent them - watch TF out! lol
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 02:51 AM
1

If it ever gets into court that he was letting it go to catch her later, he's probably fucked. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laches_(equity) - here's the concept, but the law differs everywhere on this.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 02:45 AM
2

Go in with high preparation, low expectations and an open mind. If it looks as though it is becoming fruitless, don't hesitate to end it. Mediation is the most ineffective for custody and co-parenting issues. Even less effective when there is contention on other aspects or when it comes too early in the process.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 02:42 AM
1

If someone tells you they're crazy, believe them. If someone tells you they're not crazy, don't believe them.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 02:39 AM
1

It's not easy. But hopefully after you have your new place, you will be able to at least appreciate that when you walk in the door - there's no tension, no conflict and a space you can truly call your own. That is a core block for rebuilding - make it your own.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 02:38 AM
1

That's not abduction.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 02:37 AM
1

Well done.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 02:36 AM
1

Cheap lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 02:35 AM
1

How old are your kids? Don't you think that would have an impact on the advice you should expect to receive here? Different ages handle things differently.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 02:35 AM
1

It depends. This is hallmark "talk to a lawyer" ground you're walking on.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 02:32 AM
1

I always make sure the kids get her nice gifts. Other than that, no because all the fucking money I give her.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 02:31 AM
1

You're getting fuckin used bad.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 02:30 AM
1

Isn't it common knowledge that a divorce is not financially beneficial overall?
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 02:30 AM
2

no. she went once and refused to go back when the shrink (that SHE CHOSE) called her out on her bullshit
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 02:29 AM
1

Leverage the shit out of the report, act like you're going to trial - then settle. The marginal return on trial is usually negative against a negotiated settlement when you factor in legal fees. But don't drop the trial threat until the end.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 02:28 AM
1

Sounds like a good deal, negotiated or judge ordered? Fantastic job putting your foot down on the parenting schedule - nipped that shit in the bud. She didn't appreciate the carrot, so she gets the stick.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 02:26 AM
1

This is one issue I'd hold strong on and dangle as a carrot until everything else is agreed. Then throw her a little bone if that's what it takes to get the deal done.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/22 05:42 AM
1

Some states have grandparents rights, check that first.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/22 02:15 AM
3

Dude, if her parents can afford to pay for her lawyer - then do NOT agree to alimony - they can pay for other shit too. She's their responsibility now.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/22 02:14 AM
2

If you don't have a legal obligation to pay her alimony, do not let it in the judgment or settlement agreement. The fact that she was open with you about what her attorney said is good. But as you can see from her behavior, the thought of a check coming in for which she would not have to work, got her to dreaming. And you're not in a financial position to be dreamers, much less support her education unless it will result in an absolute rise in her income. As others have pointed out, you can give…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/22 02:12 AM
1

You're killing it bro. So much progress. This sub is awesome.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/22 01:58 AM
1

One lawyer always does the bulk of the drafting. And just because her lawyer prepares something doesn't mean he has to sign it. It is a delay tactic. Perhaps not as obvious as I thought.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/22 01:54 AM
4

Her financial situation works against her legally and is in your favor. As for the house, well - either she gets it or you get it or it gets sold. Technically, as the primary caregiver you should have it but that's probably untenable. Your financial situation will work against you if you can't afford lawyers. What I would say to her now, to delay whatever is going to happen, is that you're willing to consider whatever her lawyers write up and if it's fair you're happy to proceed. AND REMEMBER: S…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 08:23 AM
7

Yes, and you will in the end. All divorces have some level of conflict, which rises and falls throughout the process. And in the end you will come together for them. But divorce is never easy if it will be fair.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 07:21 AM
4

I'm in asia and at the office so I gotta run to a meeting. You really can do this. But I will tell you, even if you don't and you capitulate to her demands, it's not the end of the world. I've seen a lot of battered women cave to this kind of pressure - it's sad but it happens. A few stand up and they never regret it.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 06:59 AM
3

Beg, borrow. Talk to your lawyer. You are entitled to half of whatever you both have, that's your money. Is there a joint account? Does she control everything?
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 06:57 AM
7

At first I honestly didn’t care about getting anything, I just wanted my sons to be able to have equal time with their dad. Wrong headed. Fight for everything you think you can get and then compromise. I also believe that if I make this more difficult than she wants, it ruins any chance of reconciliation. I really love her and wanted to be with her and didn’t want this to happen. There is no chance anyway and every moment you think there is a chance of reconciliation is a moment wasted. You can'…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 06:55 AM
12

I got consultation from a lawyer yesterday( one I know which I cannot afford,) and he told me that having no representation going through this is not wise at all. If you can scrape together the retainer, the first thing you do is file a motion for interim attorneys fees. As before, you seem like you've been abused and she is totally dominating you in this situation. You should be pissed, not sad or afraid. She's trying to fuck you over and also get out of paying alimony and child support. You're…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 06:48 AM
1

Ground rules between you and her: stay out of each other's shit Ground rules about the kid: Kid is fed and watered, with homework done, before exchange. Both parents support time with the other parent no matter what the kid feels about it. Kid is not a conduit for parental communication OF ANY KIND. Financial stuff. Agreement on any activities that would be an imposition on the other parent's time. If a parent can't exercise time, an option (not a requirement), that that parent gets priority ove…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 06:41 AM
1

Document your improvements and get the supervised lifted. Get some more visitation coparenting time while you're at it. Check to see how soon (sometimes it's 18 months) after the decree you can go back normally for a modification of custody and coparenting time. Get better and get better and more time with your kid. That's your option.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 06:34 AM
2

Dude, you did what you had to do to literally save yourself. Not sure you should think too hard about trying to patch things up. Are you communicating with her now?
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 06:32 AM
3

If you think she won't want to get divorced, then don't have the talk. All you will do is give her time to fuck shit up. If you do have the talk and she says she wants to reconcile or try to fix things, you can say you will try but in the meantime make sure all you shit is together for the divorce. The strong and more prepared you are, the less she will fight.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 06:30 AM
9

Just do right by your kids. NEVER force responsibility on her, give her her freedom. In the end you'll have the kids and that will be the best.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 06:28 AM
2

Immortal words: This aggression will not stand, man. ~ The Dude
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 06:27 AM
4

Divorced with three kids, sir. Fellow whiny father. :D
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 02:40 AM
3

Do you know exactly what she's saying? Like do you have recordings? How do you interact with your kids about it? I've seen cases where kids and dads actually begin to bond over the bad shit mom says so the kids will feed into it. If you're not going to try anything at court, then it's just about how you deal with it practically. Demonstrate through action that its not true. Don't retaliate. Long-term she's fucking their relationship with them. But that's not much solace now, I know.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 02:38 AM
3

without specifics ... meh.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 02:34 AM
1

Go for the maximum you are entitled to and then some. Then back it down to the level where you can reach agreement. Divorce is fundamentally a zero-sum game, financially, so the negotiations are positional - no matter what anyone claims to think. Men always leave so much on the table from day 1. Foolish but it's our nature.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 02:34 AM
2

Proceed directly to trial in the shortest possible path. Do not waste time trying to negotiate with her. Divorcing someone who doesn't want to be divorced means there can be no compromise unless she absolutely throws in the towel. Delay, detour, delay, side issue, delay, exit ramp, delay, mediation. All of that will cost you a lot more in legal fees than going to trial. If she wants to settle, she comes to you with a full written offer from her attorney - no "talking about it" no anything like t…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 02:31 AM
1

Yeah, so that's kind of your risk. If you had communicated with them and made a commitment to pay them and they brought the motion during a period you had agreed to with them, I don't think they'd have a shot at fees but if you were non-responsive and they felt they had to bring the motion, you might get stuck. But this is an outside perspective, your lawyer will have a better idea.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 02:27 AM
3

I'd consider a woman lawyer under these circumstances.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/22 09:28 AM
2

Sell.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/22 09:27 AM
1

Financial Indiscretions is a really kind way to put it.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/22 09:26 AM
4

You actually can't afford NOT to hire the forensic accountant.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/22 09:24 AM
2

These aren't decisions for the kid to be making. Reneging now on your agreement will make things really hellish but otherwise your ship has sailed.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/22 09:23 AM
2

You should be angry, not sad. She's fucking up your whole family because "she doesn't feel like being married". This is not your fault. In reading all of this, I think you are exhibiting a lot of signs of having been been emotionally manipulated, made codependent and probably abused. You dedicated your life to her and your family and ... she had an epiphany? Is she a grandiose narcissist? IMHO, you should be angry and should fight like hell for alimony, primary custody and the house DGAF if her …
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/22 09:20 AM
1

Yep. It doesn't make a lick of sense but it is often the case.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/22 09:16 AM
1

I love my sons, but I don’t know if their love for me or my love for them is enough to see me through this. It most definitely is. Of that you should have no doubt. Why does she want the divorce? If it is any reason other than you cheating on her recently, there's probably no room to fix it as she's been over you for a long time already. You can't force someone to love you or stay with you. And you shouldn't lose yourself and your dignity in trying. Time will heal this. One foot in front of the …
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/22 09:15 AM
3

Did they ask for you to pay the legal fees required for them to bring the contempt motion? If you pay before the hearing, it should be dismissed as to the contempt but you may get dinged for additional attorney's fees.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/22 09:09 AM
2

Inspirational. You are the light at the end of the tunnel!
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/22 08:31 AM
10

has my blood BOILING right now. Ya don't say.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/22 08:18 AM
3

I guess you weren't grandfathered in. It seems strange that the government can just, by fiat, take half your property and give it to someone else.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/22 08:17 AM
1

Your money is best spent on lawyers, not her. She has no choice but to come to you for money so leverage that. Do it for your kids. Get her civilly committed - document everything.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/22 01:59 AM
1

that's not an answer to the question, OP
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/22 01:47 AM
1

File a motion to have the judge recuse themself
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/22 01:47 AM
2

Care about the house and the things, at least pretend to. This is your main leverage against her that you cannot afford to neglect. Get a few legal consultations, she has not filed yet (despite your misleading title) and the filing date is not what's important, it's when you get served. You're in for a fight for your sons, don't forget that. We both desire to be amicable and equitable I’m the process. SHE DOES NOT DESIRE TO BE EQUITABLE OR AMICABLE
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/22 01:47 AM
1

This sucks bro. I feel for you. We feel for you. Stick around here for a while and let it out until therapy time kicks in. Change your passwords, gather your important documents. Let her believe you're on the back foot but muster whatever courage and energy you can to do the important things to prepare for the next few months.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/22 01:44 AM
1

Steel yourself. Prepare yourself. This drunken slip is the tip of the iceberg. She resents that you have taken her life from her and will let you know. Even though she never told you. You cannot win her back, you can fake trying - which would be an effective tactic to get this cancer out of your life with the minimum damage. Get into therapy. Grieve the loss that she grieved years ago.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/22 01:42 AM
6

This is poetic.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/22 01:40 AM
2

Be angry, but don't express it to her. Don't respond to her attacks, let them go. Most importantly, do NOT try to push any responsibility to her. She's trying to teach you a lesson, it seems. And it also seems it's working. Gut it. Bite the bullet. You don't need her and she needs to know that. Keep fighting the good fight.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/22 01:38 AM
3

Some people don't know when to quit, even when they're ahead. Keep those arrears in check, though, they pile up with interest. EDIT: the fact that the state can't garnish to keep up with the judgment, in and of itself, should be a good basis for appeal. Glad your lawyer is on it.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/22 01:35 AM
2

And if she fucks around with your visitation, you can pound her into the ground again with more legal proceedings.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/22 01:33 AM
1

what are you talking about?
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/22 01:32 AM
1

Git r done.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/22 01:32 AM
3

Don't spend it all in one place! Congrats on the big win! Start the countdown timer for when she shamefully tries to slide back in.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/22 01:31 AM
2

lol ...
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/22 04:10 AM
1

Try to take the amicable route with her. Always. But stress test whether it is really amicable or just amicable until she realizes she's not getting her way on every fucking thing. Push back early on important issues to see her response. If she flips her shit, you know the "amicable" is just a ruse.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/22 03:52 AM
1

They say a divorce brings grief like a death, but it's not. It's worse. At least the dead stay gone. I'm a big advocate of stoicism, talk to your therapist about it. In this case, rather than fearing the future of her with someone else, you'd lean into it. Imagine the worst scenarios you can in as much detail as you can. It hurts but then when/if the time comes - the emotions won't be new and the pain won't be as sharp.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/22 03:50 AM
1

Bro, we're here. Any judgment you feel is just opinion and trying to get the whole story. All I can say is if she's done, she's done - begging, pleading, trying to fix things will just further demoralize and emasculate you. She pulled the pin on the grenade, you can either dive on it or GTFO of the relationship emotionally. It hurts. It's sad. It sucks. But there's only one thing you have in common now - your kids. These boys need you and you're there for them, they won't forget it and everythin…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/22 03:46 AM
19

Just wait - they'll reach out to you when shit goes south
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/22 03:28 AM
5

Normal
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/22 03:16 AM
1

I was a huge part of the problem. Booze was at the core and is still a problem, albeit much less. Also my own issues, stemming from a variety of places but mainly codependency, abandonment issues & ADHD. And she's a covert narcissist with aversion to any sort of responsibility and zero ability to compromise or communicate rationally, so that effectively meant she preferred victim status to fixing things. I worked really hard on myself (the work continues) and I tried to work on the relationship.…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/22 02:07 AM
2

Don't let him learn to hate himself.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/22 01:56 AM
2

Civil law systems are very different.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/22 01:53 AM
1

It's called co-parenting. Read up.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/22 01:53 AM
1

Not another child.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/22 01:52 AM
2

There may be a personal property schedule attached to something.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/22 01:51 AM
2

There's a lot of hate and anger here, but in the end it's more about supporting than bashing. If you can't see that or take an angry dude lashing out from time to time ... well ... that's a you problem.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/22 01:50 AM
2

Fuck that place. I do not post there, except accidentally when I don't notice there's been a cross post. Then delete immediately. Don't get me wrong, it's can be extremely valuable to get a female perspective on things - so long as it's objective. Not the case there.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/22 01:48 AM
2

That has nothing to do with gender roles.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/22 01:46 AM
2

I take a different view on the sharing of information, if for no other reason than legal - it looks better to be the compliant parent who over shares and it looks worse to be the parent who had access to tons of information and didn't give a shit.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/22 07:29 AM
1

Coming to this realization, my ex is dead to me. I see myself as raising my daughter alone now, even though it is split custody. I think that is a little extreme but can totally understand how you're feeling about her. My advice changes situationally except in one area and is invariably - do not attempt to force parental responsibility on someone who doesn't want it. I will agree that taking the view that you're the only parent is a solid way to manage expectations, but don't reject or disregard…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/22 07:27 AM
3

Default judgment isn't the massive win you might expect because it can be undone pretty easily when she does wake up, and she will.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/22 04:15 AM
1

It would be default judgment, not summary judgment if she doesn't reply. She's in shock and denial. The end of a marriage is a grieving process and you are both at different stages. She simply hasn't been able to process what's going on.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/22 04:15 AM
1

You sound like a man that most women would love to be in a relationship with. totally
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/22 04:13 AM
1

If you're comfortable in your own skin, and it seems to me that you really should be, then it's her problem. I just can't see with all the "manly" shit you do how she couldn't find you manly. This really seems like a her thing, not a you thing. And my good buddy here is a librarian as well - you're everywhere!
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/22 04:12 AM
2

I see a lot of unwitting, unintentional, and unwitting gender role swaps in divorces. It's usually the woman putting on the pants because the man couldn't pull off adulting.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/22 04:08 AM
1

Username checks out - glad you've got some support.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/22 04:04 AM
2

Really?
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/22 10:21 AM
2

Damn. Hammer meet nail.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/22 04:42 AM
4

When after begging her to go to counseling for 5 years plus, we went and the counselor called her out on her whataboutism response - she refused to ever go again. And so it was over.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/22 04:40 AM
2

my sister did this - but not to the same extent - spending problems are absolute shit
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/22 04:39 AM
7

Hey, is this the line I need to stand in to lose half my shit? ~ Bill Burr (pre-marriage)
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/22 04:38 AM
3

winner winner chicken dinner
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/22 04:38 AM
2

damn - glad you made it out
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/22 04:38 AM
5

If you have already filed, she's probably automatically prohibited from removing the kids from the jurisdiction without court permission. If not, you can file a motion. But I don't know TX law
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/22 04:23 AM
2

Well that's the coolest thing ever!
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/22 04:19 AM
1

every subsequent argument, and that's why we walk the divorce path - subsequent arguments eliminated or greatly reduced
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/22 04:13 AM
1

yep, refuse the carrot, get the stick
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/22 04:12 AM
5

That is correct. Or you just go to trial ASAP or otherwise hammer them into submission or make them give up - or even better yet, let them think they've won EDIT: takes two to settle but only one to divorce - men, especially, maintain this false hope that one day STBX will wake up and be reasonable - just read this sub ... EDIT 2: And also - fucking saying "sorry" - even if you're not and did nothing wrong, can be a game changer.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/22 09:57 AM
1

When the parties can begin again to feel empathy for one another, the case will settle.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/22 08:36 AM
13

Dear STBX, This correspondence makes a record of the events of [insert date] at approximately [insert time], when I contacted you to speak with the children in accordance with the court order dated [insert date]. You refused to allow me to speak with the children for [insert reason]. That is not a valid reason to deny my access to the children. I am respectfully insisting that you comply with the court order and act in the best interests of the children by allowing me access. Should any of the a…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/22 06:35 AM
3

Post-divorce song: 99 problems
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/22 06:19 AM
6

Next step: none, show up if it is court mandated and if she doesn't it's on her - mediation is basically useless anyway if there's even a tiny amount of contention More importantly: did you get to talk to your kids? If she's gatekeeping you need to get that fixed.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/22 06:18 AM
1

Sorry - let me clarify - if they're victims now it is their choice and their choice alone. They are solely responsible for such a choice.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/22 03:23 AM
1

Just pointed that out for reference - you couldn't use the hague convention to bring them back now even if it applied
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/22 03:22 AM
1

Well, they aren't the victims anymore, they're 21 and 26!!!
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/22 02:33 AM
4

Spare the rod, spoil the child. They need to fucking grow up.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/22 02:24 AM
5

Almost never wore mine to begin with. She didn't pick it out - she got it from her mom's collection of shit. No heirloom quality. Amazing how things turn out, in hindsight, to be great predictors of how shit would go.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/22 02:23 AM
1

So if the kid is going there, then it should be 50/50 at least and she covers all day-to-day while the kid is there. If she's making the trip, then typically on her. Not saying this makes sense, it's just how things typically shake out in practice. But it really depends mostly on the respective financial situations of the parties, typically there's more money floating around in international divorces.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/22 02:22 AM
1

Hague Convention only applies until 16
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/22 02:19 AM
1

Who is flying?
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/22 08:04 AM
4

Quality over quantity and strongly worded digital visitation rights.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/22 08:01 AM
2

There should be court certified Vietnamese translators.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/22 03:05 AM
2

Debt loading is common, but usually before filing! In situations where there's plenty of cash lying around, they often bet that you'll cave and absorb it - maybe also looking to support some wacky financial statement. Good luck, sir! And remember, fuck em if they can't take a joke.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/22 03:04 AM
2

Assuaging guilt by going on the offensive to denigrate, demoralize and destroy. Tactically, they're naturals.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 12:49 PM
2

For sure. Steel yourself, then act.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 12:46 PM
1

Has she petitioned for interim legal fees yet?
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 10:21 AM
2

Covid has (and is) wreaking havoc on relationships. She may be serious and she may just need a serious pressure release. I'd suggest you give her some space and quietly begin preparing for the divorce. Whether or not it happens, it only benefits you to be prepared. Don't pester, don't inquire. She needs to come to you and if she doesn't, well, then you need to begin that walk down the path of acceptance. If you have your kid, that's more than most. But be careful about explicitly accepting it as…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 08:51 AM
3

Don't act out of anger, emotion or desperation.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 05:09 AM
17

In ten plus years in practice, the mother was almost invariably the one most willing to weaponize the kids. Yet they're presumed to be the top candidate for primary custody.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 04:24 AM
2

ah, the good old innocent days :D
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 01:43 AM
1

trying to impose responsibility on someone who doesn't want it, is a fool's game and ends up worse for you anyway. Practical solution: push as much of the burden on her as possible for transport. Then she'll not be able to make it and you get defacto custody.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 01:43 AM
1

Opening position, split assets equally, no spousal support. Close the deal: pay $x,xxx of her student loans off in lieu of support.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 01:39 AM
1

all too common - fight hard to get it lifted at a full hearing
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 01:38 AM
2

The last time I argued within earshot of my kids with the ex was the night my daughter slid a note under the bedroom door. "Please stop, you are scaring us." And that was it.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 01:37 AM
1

Steady as she goes.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 01:36 AM
1

The bulk of the users, yep - but its FOR the guys who are about to be ...
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 01:35 AM
2

lol - well, that's kind of on you
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 01:34 AM
1

What are you doing back in court in under a year? I hope you've got a good lawyer but i'm guessing you don't.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 01:33 AM
1

There are divorce coaches now, I'm one. I'm not taking on clients now but you can just google them. If you'd like a referral I know some good ones. We took some specialized training to deal specifically with divorces.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 01:31 AM
1

I don't view that as a viable solution unless you want your divorce to get fucked up. And that lawyer's boss will not allow it because of malpractice. We have a duty to supervise our junior lawyers and any of their mistakes end up on our tab.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 01:30 AM
1

Most modern lawyers will offer an "uncontested" price, which could be on a fixed-fee or capped-fee basis.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 01:29 AM
5

Changing your behavior is easier than changing your mind. Behavior-led changes are more successful.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 01:28 AM
2

Maybe she's right, but that's not her biggest problem or yours. I'd explore and work through it as one strategy for trying to save the marriage, if you want to. Be open to feedback. it is 100% impossible for guys to be objective about their relationship with their mothers.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 01:27 AM
3

Encourage the relationship. I don't have a mom is not something a four year old would say unprompted.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 01:25 AM
2

this is why I'm a huge fan of journaling. The lightbulbs that go on mid-sentence when you slow it down enough to put pen to paper are awesome. You know what to do - thanks for sharing this!
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 01:24 AM
2

Flag color: RED What she wants you to treat her kids as yours? Doesn't want your kids to have something hers don't? This is unnatural.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 01:22 AM
1

She's just being greedy at the behest of her lawyer. Make sure yours is good and just go forward. You'll end up paying something monthly which should be based upon past lifestyle.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 01:21 AM
1

Process server.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 01:19 AM
2

This is not that unique. It's not what you know it's what you can prove, so if she doesn't cough up her bank statements or if she's cashing the checks and not depositing them, then you can subpoena the issuer's bank accounts. If her bachelor's can earn her an income the court might impute it.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 01:19 AM
1

Get money from friends and family Hire a lawyer and file Get temporary custody and support
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 01:17 AM
2

Have you seen a psychologist to evaluate yourself? Usually the relationship will come up and you'll get some sort of off the cuff dx for the stbx.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/22 01:16 AM
2

I hate those intrusive thoughts. Best thing, they go away. Worst thing, they come back.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/22 09:26 AM
1

Well, that's kind of silly of her strategically. If you're not wholly objecting to it, you can tell the court - happy to do it, but not sure why we are here in court as I all she would have had to do was ask. Maybe this is an indication of our communication issues that counseling can resolve. I would have a counselor of your choosing lined up and ask the court to enter the order with your counselor of choice splitting the costs 50/50. If you have a lawyer and they'll represent you, I would also …
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/22 06:59 AM
1

But like she didn't just send you an email to say, let's go to counseling?
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/22 06:54 AM
1

Did she ask you directly to do it (or through her lawyer) or just filed the petition?
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/22 06:46 AM
1

The fragility of the male ego knows no bounds. So while objectively there's not really a difference, I can see how it hurt him more.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/22 06:37 AM
1

Fear. Plain and simple.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/22 06:36 AM
1

If you do that tactically (or threaten to do it, which would be more effective) at a point where negotiations have stalled in order to apply pressure, then I would say yes. If you are doing it for emotional release - absolutely not.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/22 06:35 AM
2

Whatever intersects what you're willing to pay and she's willing to accept is the correct amount. This is more about negotiating strategy than the actual amount. Make an offer that is lower than what you are willing to pay. Divorce finances negotiations are usually very positional.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/22 06:33 AM
1

What are the specific problems that need to be addressed, in her opinion? Are there specific problems you want to have addressed about her? Are they serious? Feels like you're just reacting to what she is asking, rather than thinking through it.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/22 06:31 AM
1

Put them in a hidden folder for the occasional nostalgia wank. Not sure if it helps or hurts the whole getting over it thing, but it's effective.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/22 06:29 AM
3

You can sacrifice yourself for your family by surrendering yourself and your identity to her. This is a choice many men make. Some don't.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/22 06:28 AM
3

Yes, your grief is disguising itself.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/22 06:26 AM
1

This is good to hear.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/22 04:01 AM
1

https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/obcdho/im_a_recovering_divorce_lawyer_ama/h3r4lnq/ This was one of the more difficult experiences I had with CPS.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/22 03:58 AM
1

I didn't say court, I said CPS. Make sure your lawyer has a lot of CPS experience otherwise you'll find yourself wired up in a chair with an electronic monitor on your dick being shown provocative pictures of prepubescent girls. CPS is a motherfucker, I repeat.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/22 03:53 AM
1

She is modifying her behaviors until you decide to stay, then she will slip back to her natural state. If you keep pursuing the separation, the moment she realizes that you're going through with it and her behavior changes were an ineffective tactic, she'll go ballistic the other direction.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/22 03:50 AM
1

CPS is a motherfucker. That can come back to bite you, especially if she lodges the pedo claims with them.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/22 03:48 AM
1

I am tempted to move the few items she has in there into the extra room and cut her access to the garage off completely. That's conflict seeking behavior.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/22 03:46 AM
2

The more you get worked up about it, try to fix the problem or in any way let her know it bothers you, the more she will do it. No amount of technology will fix this problem.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/22 03:45 AM
2

If you have kids after signing the prenup, that can cause problems. And if she doesn't have independent representation, that's also a problem. Otherwise they tend to work if done correctly.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/22 03:41 AM
1

What is your fee arrangement like with him? Do you owe him money?
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/22 03:40 AM
0

Listen to him.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/22 03:22 AM
1

Sounds tempting ... I love me some mean ass old woman lawyers ... vicious about everything, especially finances.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/22 09:04 AM
1

Whoa, what jurisdiction are you in where at least one mediation wasn't required?
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/22 09:02 AM
1

Much truthiness to be had in the above post.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/22 08:59 AM
2

It's worse than grieving a death - the dead don't come back and fuck with you, despite what you may have seen in the movies.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/22 08:37 AM
1

Yeah, that'll stir up a bunch of shit in any man. Does he treat your kids well? Have you thanked him for taking her off your hands? I can see how it would be difficult but having a good relationship with him is the best way to make sure your kids are looked after.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/22 08:16 AM
1

I mourned the loss of the relationship and was through it before the proceedings ever started. It took years.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/22 08:15 AM
5

Turn off notifications and don't respond to anything in under 24 hours.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/22 08:14 AM
1

As with most mediations, you should expect jack shit. I would say not to focus on the facts or the lies, except to the extent necessary to knock down her numbers. Do the minimum to say you tried in good faith and then gtfo - you can spend your legal dollars on much better things. From a negotiation standpoint, I disagree with making an agreement on alimony the threshold issue. All issues must be resolved in the end so forcing an alimony issue before discussing other issues is counterproductive a…
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/22 08:12 AM
1

Custody is a hard one. As acting indifferent to your kids works against you.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/22 08:06 AM
1

*aren't technically allowed to :D
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/22 08:05 AM
2

With respect to your family, the judge will not ask you why it took so long, the judge will ask you what you're doing back in his/her courtroom so soon if there's nothing major. And in many jurisdictions there's a presumption against going back within a year or so - if not that, then a rule of thumb. The absolute best way is to walk in with her with an agreed order to modify visitation. So if you can find a way to swing that, the judge won't care if it's been 2 days, 2 months or 2 years.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 10:22 AM
1

Have you looked into any Hague Convention - you mentioned a "third world country" so it may not be in force.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 08:10 AM
1

This is wrong.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 08:08 AM
1

Yeah, I'm based in Thailand and have dealt with tens upon tens of these situations. It's a mess but you probably did the right thing not subjecting yourself to U.S. divorce law.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 08:07 AM
5

A marriage which is legally binding abroad is typically legally binding in the U.S. These changes are deemed "changes in legal status". Similarly, a divorce done abroad will typically be recognized in the U.S. However, the terms and conditions of any settlement agreement or foreign judgment ("Foreign Decree") may or may not be recognized. For example, if the Foreign Decree doesn't provide for Child Support, the court may order it. Similarly if the U.S.-based assets are not provided for explicitl…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 08:05 AM
1

Holy shit. Lol.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 07:52 AM
1

Yeah, it's weird to go from one person for a long time to a succession of people over shorter times. But it's normal for most relationships not to work out and we should be grateful for those who - for whatever reason - don't string us along. Yeah, it hurts but if it hurts more than it should, that's on you not her.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 07:52 AM
4

Under the 13th Amendment, the court cannot order a person to work but they can penalize them financially for not working - e.g. imputing income. Imputing income to someone who is unemployed or underemployed voluntarily, typically results in a very reduced or no alimony situation. Child support is usually unaffected by the other parent's refusal to work. EDIT: Property division and alimony are separate animals.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 07:48 AM
0

My attorney is now telling me that he can't guarantee anything that happens with judges Now telling you? This has been true forever and saying the opposite is unethical. Does the general population not recognize and know that the attorney does not control the outcome of the case, the judge does?
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 07:46 AM
-11

And so the kid should be punished because why?
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 07:44 AM
2

The first and last time we went to therapy, she slipped and her behavior came out. For one person to see the real her was a fucking godsend that I still get satisfaction from to this day.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 02:11 AM
1

You'll look like a fool to bring that into work.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 02:09 AM
2

What is the normal co-parenting schedule How old are your kids Who is the primary caregiver What is the flight risk What does your lawyer say There's always a balance between protecting and interfering.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 02:08 AM
2

Just fucking go dark for a while. Turn off notifications from her. Reduce communication channels to email.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 02:04 AM
1

It is cheaper to pay child support.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 02:03 AM
1

You can't go in for a visitation modification without opening yourself up to a change in other things. If you're in a worse financial position, you could pretend to go in on a downward modification of child support and once she's focused on that, say - okay, well give me some more visitation and I'll drop the modification claim. Not without risk but better than asking directly for what you want if she's the "spoiler" type.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 01:56 AM
4

Dude, that's fantastic about your kids. Similar story - it took me a while to realize how much the shit with their mother was affecting me and my relationship with them. They like me better, now. I like me better now.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 01:53 AM
2

Well, that's a truckload of bullshit on her part. She knew you wouldn't read it. It's called mining the harbor.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 01:52 AM
4

Just be a little careful with how it affects you longer term. But no moral objection.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 01:50 AM
2

I consider myself lucky that my pint glass collection was returned to me ... albeit mostly in pieces.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 01:49 AM
3

First, your wife's problems are not your fault. That doesn't mean your behaviors don't contribute to her problems but they're fundamentally her problems to deal with. Second, you read your wife's journal. Journals are not objective views of reality and in many ways are self-serving and reinforcing of wants, wishes and illusions. Weed out the blame and focus on the events and facts as you actually saw them. Third, sorry to say this but your daughter needs you more. My daughter turns 14 this year …
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 07:47 AM
1

Meh.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 04:16 AM
1

Violating a court order would be grounds to seek to hold her in contempt of court. One option is usually for the judge to incarcerate the party in contempt until they comply with the order but that is pretty rare for something as minor (to the court) as missing a payment. It may not even result in a finding of contempt.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 04:15 AM
2

Sadly OP, banks and credit card companies don't give a shit about a divorce decree. Zero fucks, indeed.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 04:13 AM
3

That's why you all pay me the big bucks.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 04:11 AM
2

Explore both. Main considerations: Who has she hired and how will your lawyer be able to interact with them. Your ability to work with your lawyer. Their view on how to approach the case (able to fight but looking for settlement opportunities, for example). The schmooze is strong - and remember - you're not looking for a therapist. So if they are too sympathetic with your "poor me" or "angry me" - watch out.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 02:54 AM
4

I understand your position, I'm just letting you know that you should not compound your financial problem by adding a legal problem. Investigate what you can and cannot do during the divorce. Ounce of prevention and all that.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 02:52 AM
5

Kind of a tricky legal question then. Sorry I can't be of more help.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 02:27 AM
1

Divorce first - don't give them a warchest.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 02:24 AM
3

There may be what is called an "automatic stay" which prevents you from selling or dissipating marital assets without permission of the court. Practically, if you're acting in the best interests of the marital estate by selling the vehicle, it may not be an issue - just be aware and don't give her ammunition.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 02:23 AM
3

Sometimes a sign is just a sign, and not a sign.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 02:22 AM
3

So I imagine the argument that her lawyer will make is that by making payments after the fact, you waived (i.e. gave up your rights) the "shall retain" clause by your behavior. Therefore, the argument goes, that you're still on the hook. Is there a "waiver" clause in the agreement? Is her total payment more now? Are they asking for an increase in the amount you pay?
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 02:18 AM
2

Don't count out female lawyers - you get the right one and they will be harsher on your STBX than any man can dream of being.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 02:16 AM
1

Colorado Springs is too far from Denver to make that economical.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 02:14 AM
4

Did you make any payments after you knew she traded in her car?
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 02:11 AM
6

There should be guidelines as a percent of your net income. Don't be lazy here - if you don't want to do the math - pay someone to do it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 02:10 AM
1

That makes my Friday. Glad you're still around.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 01:55 AM
1

Evidence comes last - if you can allege it and avoid the 1 year by reaching a settlement, that would be better. See what counsel says.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 01:54 AM
1

Hence my last sentence.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 01:53 AM
1

Well that is fucking excellent news. The judge won't care whether she "wants to work". If you play your cards right, I think you have a pretty good shot at getting a good outcome.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/22 01:51 AM
4

Very few exit a marriage without serious personal, psychological and financial damage. Divorce as a price but usually not more than the price of staying in the relationship. As for the custody fight, if she's determined to have one then there is no way to avoid it. But be aware: Appeasement never works Show strength, not weakness For everything you give, you get something from her Never show her your emotions or pain during the divorce Get into therapy Get proper legal advice and assistance
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/22 06:46 AM
3

Indian divorce law is pretty rough. I hope you can get some support and find a way forward.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/22 06:40 AM
2

Are you sure you need to be separate and apart for a year if you can allege adultery?
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/22 02:46 AM
2

Ok, so my ex has made it unbearable to even be separated from her. Long story short got in an argument and she got physical with me. I chose to leave the home and file a Domestic Incident Report with the local police. Haven't been back to the house since as that hadn't been the first time she has gotten physical and I wasn't going to wait for her to try something else like claiming that I hit her or her attacking me again. Good move, sir. You have the initial advantage, now exploit it. I have tr…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/22 02:40 AM
2

I don't think that's necessarily productive. The goal should be to get to the point where it is STBXes vs. the lawyers. We won't let them ruin our settlement. We won't let them take all this money. No matter our problems, the more we have to split at the end, the better. If she gets sucked in, captured and angered by her lawyer - OP is fucked financially. Be strong, firm, calculating, and use your emotions tactically.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/22 02:33 AM
3

For every give, there must be a get.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/22 02:31 AM
1

The entire time we were married I was the main provider while she finishes her masters. This is relevant to any claim for spousal support. But as soon as she left she stopped helping with those bills. I took up on all the bills own my own which include mortgage, maintenance and utilities. This is relevant to the financial settlement. Sounds like your lawyer is solid. Lawyer said I could potentially claim I supported her through her school so I may be entitled to alimony. I don’t want to screw he…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/22 02:29 AM
2

Assets acquired before the marriage are non-marital in most states but can become marital if you don't keep them separate. A prenup is probably the most likely way to protect it or any other assets. You should check with a lawyer in your state exactly what you should do. But nothing to do at the moment because the only thing you need to show initially is that the asset was acquired before the marriage. Creating a separate account to handle the finances may be a good practice to engage in right b…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/22 02:20 AM
1

So here's your starting point: https://selfhelp.courts.ca.gov/divorce-forms Complete them to the best of your ability and then you can get help from your local court self-help center: https://selfhelp.courts.ca.gov/self-help/find-self-help There are also family law facilitators: https://www.courts.ca.gov/selfhelp-facilitators.htm
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/22 05:35 AM
2

Bingo (no dog pun intended).
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/22 03:42 AM
2

In a healthy marriage and family the mother and father, as a couple, come before the children. I've never seen this actually be the case. When JBP brought it up, I was kind of shocked. But it does make sense.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/22 03:36 AM
2

Eg. If my ex cannot care for the children during her parent time and I want to take the kids...my wife doesn't allow me to do that. I get her, but that's pretty fucked up. EDIT: and your ex is having surgery but your wife still doesn't want to make an exception? She needs therapy, seriously.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/22 03:34 AM
4

Never give without getting, that's for married people.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/22 03:32 AM
1

you need to fight it, hire a lawyer now
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/22 03:30 AM
5

nope nope nope
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/22 03:30 AM
2

We both claimed him and both got the child tax stuff in 2021, my year. Phew and 2021 was the cash - starting to seem intentional. EDIT: and by that I mean provable without the "whoopsie" excuse
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 12:08 PM
1

Bro, you gave it your best. Better than many of us. But some ships sink and there's no honor in going down with this ship.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 12:07 PM
1

Kevin?
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 12:01 PM
32

1-800-273-8255 Don't.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 11:54 AM
2

Do you have kids?
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 11:48 AM
2

I hear you there. My ex modeled her mother when it came to how she treated me. Her mom was the main bread winner / sole decision-maker and treated her dad like garbage most of the time. Problem was, I was the bread winner and I didn't take that shit. This wasn't the main factor for the breakdown but it sure was an ever-present undercurrent that didn't help at all.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 11:46 AM
9

Did your lawyer put the term tax fraud in writing to you? I really can't see the IRS throwing her in the slammer for this or even caring that much aside from a reimbursement and some penalties. If you hate her and view this as an avenue for seeking revenge, have at. But my view is that you should hate Uncle Sam more than your ex because no matter how much she takes for doing not much, Uncle Sam takes a lot for doing nothing. If you were unable to receive a benefit because she claimed them, then …
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 11:28 AM
3

It is very hard to move on from infidelity so kudos to you for giving it a shot. In the end it is about what you want from your life, your kids and your marriage. If things are improving and you feel more fulfilled in the relationship, then that is good but with alcohol comes many things, including revealing of emotions and unhappiness. Threats of divorce come about for a few non-mutually-exclusive reasons: (1) unhappiness and actually wanting a divorce, (2) attention seeking and wanting to fix …
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 11:22 AM
1

That lawyer is probably concerned that it will become contested but still not an excuse. Uncontested are easily ballpark-able and it would be non-binding anyway. Bad business.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 07:53 AM
1

What has your lawyer advised you about whether a court will determine that a cat allergy as a reason to modify custody or parenting time? I've never seen it. If a severe allergy actually existed, I'm sure you would have gotten rid of the cats. It seems like you've been conditioned by her to live in constant fear of losing your child. That's not healthy and you need to find a way to escape that. From the outside perspective, if a made up cat allergy is the best ammunition she's got - plus she's a…
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 07:32 AM
2

Three months is not long. If I were you, I would give up on any sort of closure or emotional support and understanding from her. We express our feelings to people who will love and care for us, not people who act against us. Show her only strength.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 04:23 AM
1

Nah. Fuck him if he can't take a joke.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 02:54 AM
2

Well done - but yeah Annoying AF. And sad for the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 10:07 AM
2

We don't recommend you accept this deal because our opinion is that you are entitled to significantly more than you are agreeing to. If you proceed, we will ask you to sign a waiver that you acted against our advice. ... is how it usually starts.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 08:25 AM
1

Yes, that's one point of view.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 08:21 AM
3

I would be reluctant to have the passport issued or let them travel out of the country. But it is not difficult to get a court order allowing international travel while proceedings are pending. The court may not take her threats seriously.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 07:56 AM
1

The State department doesn't often cancel children's passports and is of limited help in these cases. They don't provide information about where a passport was last used except in response to investigations or court orders. Going to non-hague countries is a primary mechanism to defeat the other parent's rights. However, it is usually rare that they would have connections and a means to support themselves in third countries. Once a child goes missing (i.e. out of contact), then we begin to move t…
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 07:52 AM
1

Ah, yes. You're correct.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 06:10 AM
1

Your lawyers should assist you with this.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 05:15 AM
1

Got to find out why. hopefully she isn't driving this.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 05:13 AM
1

You need someone to care about and for you. Companionship. Best found through dogs.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 05:12 AM
1

Not. Often. Enough.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 05:10 AM
1

Sorry bro, this is a sad story.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 05:10 AM
1

It is typically better to sell the home as a part of the divorce settlement, not in the course of the divorce because it just creates a slush fund for more problems. Even contested divorces have agreements on some issues so there is some point to try to reach agreement on the sale because that will be the fastest way. Usually we agree on a value and then say that any offer within x% of that value cannot be objected to by either party. And also put very specific agreements on when, where and how …
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 05:08 AM
2

She's under no legal obligation whatsoever to move out. Rather than keep pushing, maybe tell her you'll consider reconciling but think it's better for her to live separately for a while. Whether or not you're actually considering it, it makes the pill easier to swallow. Act on your thoughts, not your emotions.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 05:01 AM
1

No.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 04:59 AM
1

She's a child. Good call.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 04:58 AM
0

This is a very biased sampling.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 04:56 AM
3

1,000 bucks? Not the time to be pennywise and pound foolish.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 04:48 AM
2

There are two paths you can take. You can accommodate her reasonable changes and go into court with an agreed modification or she can take you to court. One thing you should not do - is modify the visitation schedule without it being reflected in an order of the court, since she's already mucking around, clarity and by the book is the way you need to do it.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 04:48 AM
1

What can she say or do? And you can respond to her by saying that if she pull any shit like that, you will make sure the house gets sold. Negotiating with terrorists is pretty simple. Just escalate and be willing to back it up. If she knows you're not afraid to take her to the mat, this will curb her bad behavior. Appeasement never works.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/22 04:44 AM
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