This is targeted to the moderate to high conflict divorces where finances and custody are at stake.

  1. Give without getting. I see a lot of this, especially in the context of keeping the peace or brining an end to the divorce. Giving without getting is often disguised as compromise, but it is not. For everything you do, that you're not legally obligated to do, get something in return - no matter how small. Over the long term, this can be a good behavior modification tool for STBX. They want to pick the kids up an hour early, you get something for that. Is it petty? Who cares, it's effective.
  2. Let things go we shouldn't. Keeping the peace seems to be a thing that drives a lot of behavior. But getting walked all over by the STBX, just like she probably did during the marriage, is a problem. Call them out on any significant bullshit, especially regarding money or the kids.
  3. Expect reciprocity for our kindness and generosity. This should probably be #1. We engage in these impromptu acts of kindness and generosity with a vague expectation of them being reciprocated by our STBX. Well, they're soon forgotten if not ignored or laughed at.
  4. Throw away our financial future. I was guilty of this one and now I regret it. I gave until it hurt, thinking I could make it all back up - but it still hurts. Know what you're obligated to give and give a little bit more if you think it will get you what you want but don't make some stupid promises.
  5. Seek pointless conflicts. Resentment, anger, and "you can't tell me what to do anymore" predominate a lot of our thinking and source of conflicts we start or choose to engage in. These aren't productive and just end up being the breeding ground for side issues predominating - worse yet - "you have anger issues"
  6. Avoid important conflicts. Finances, parenting time, kids, asset division, these detailed issues that need to be worked through that will end up being huge losses we just give up at the end because we've punched ourselves out.

Just some thoughts on this Monday afternoon. Stay strong.

EDIT: Thank you for the silver, kind stranger!