dis·​sim·​u·​late | \ (ˌ)di-ˈsim-yə-ˌlāt : to hide under a false appearance

My philosophy in approaching high-conflict, contentious divorce is one of war. Not U.S.-style shock and awe war, but Sun Tzu Art of War, war. Fight without fighting and all that shit.

Of the many truths Sun Tzu speaks regarding war that are directly applicable to divorce, one that rings true is: All Warfare is Based on Deception.

Deception in the divorce context is bounded by the rules of the court and the law. So we can't lie about our income but we can lie about what is and isn't important to us for a settlement. E.g. we can say we really really want the house, when in fact, we couldn't give two fucks about it. Because if there is one thing we know - anything she thinks we want, she will try to keep, take or destroy. Just like the Lions spoiled the Bears playoff hopes so many moons ago.

Similarly, they pick up on other cues as well. Especially emotional ones. If she knows what she is doing hurts you, she will continue hammering on it. Depriving her of those buttons to push is one of our main tasks in divorce. But those are all defensive tactics. On the offensive, once you have deprived her of her buttons to push, you can create new, false ones. Anger is potent in divorce but not when it comes from your emotional response real time. Feigning anger about something she would not expect you to be angry about will shock her and put her off kilter. Misdirecting away from what you really want to something she wouldn't guess you want - is very effective to getting what you really want.

This is called dissimulation and yes, it's deceptive. Because we are at war and we can't behave like the person we were in the marriage during the divorce.

Used sparingly and within boundaries, dissimulation will serve you well.