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CommanderOfCheese45 Archive

View 2 posts and 918 comments by CommanderOfCheese45 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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2

Yeah, it's not uncommon to experience intense hatred and anger. That's true of any loss, and in particular this loss is probably the most stressful type of loss. It's going to happen. It lasts longer for some than others. Finding a good outlet can help. Write her a letter telling her how you really feel, and then burn the letter. Start hitting a punching bag or plinking targets at a shooting range. Whatever lets you really let it out without hurting anybody. (make sure you get a good pair of glo…
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/23 05:57 PM
3

I think you might appreciate the expression "I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire."
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/23 05:54 PM
12

You're not wrong. It's 100% up to you who is in your life and who is not. She betrayed your trust and it's selfish of her to expect you to just pretend there are no hard feelings. I want [my kids] to have a good relationship with her And you're right to do so -- but it's on her to actually have the relationship, and if she's not willing to do the work, don't defend her to the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/23 04:54 PM
1

It's not exaggerated, it's backwards. The actual stat is of kids who were abused by a parent, 80% of the time it was by the stepdad.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/23 03:59 PM
2

He's misreading the study. The study says that of children who were physically or sexually abused by a parent, 80% of the time it was by the step dad. Kind of backwards.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/23 03:58 PM
0

stats say 80% will end up abusing the stepchild Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrongety wrong. Completely backwards. It's that of children who are abused by a parental figure, 80% of them were abused by the stepdad. But that's a pretty small subset of children with stepdads. instead of promoting the struggle of divorced dads wut look how wonderful the new dad is No. It's telling men "don't be scared to date a woman with a kid, whose dad has run out on them."
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/23 03:57 PM
1

Contact with ex. I drop them off at the curb in front of her house, she drops them off in front of mine. She yells profanities at me.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/23 04:42 PM
2

I do tell my kids that: if you are mean to people, you can expect them to be mean back to you. I also tell them if they want people to be nice, they need to be nice, but that you can't just expect anyone to be nice just because you were nice first. Garbage about "kids need to learn to share?" Yeah they do need to learn to share -- but they also need to learn to say no to sharing when they don't want to. What they need to learn is not "to share" but rather "to want to share." That the reason for …
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/23 10:37 PM
2

7-7 works great for me. 2-2-3 or even 5-2-2-5 would be too much contact for me.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/23 04:44 PM
7

What I read prior to the divorce: "How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I'd consider this book mandatory reading for parents, period. It's about how to engage cooperation without yelling, threatening, bribing or any of these other terrible parenting practices. What I read during the divorce process: "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. The term "Nice Guy" refers to someone who believes that "acting nice" to someone entitles t…
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/23 04:43 PM
1

It's just kind of the nature of mental health science right now. The biochemistry is so poorly understood that really the only way to get a handle on it is to try everything, one thing at a time, to see what works -- and what ends up working may not even correlate all that strongly to what was wrong in the first place, it was just knocking over a domino that happened to lead down the right path.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/23 06:45 PM
1

Sounds not too dissimilar from my own situation two years ago in terms of the abuse. Don't worry about the green card. She's no longer your concern. I can't leave until I have income Yes you most certainly can, and you can make it play to your advantage too.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/23 04:15 PM
2

Antidepressants are a game of luck. There are lots of them and they all "work" in completely different ways. You may end up trying 6 different medications before you finally get one that does the thing that you needed, and before you find that, some of them will probably make you worse.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/23 04:12 PM
2

File first. Get the settlement agreement later. Since you don't have a house and the other assets haven't touched anything joint (right?) you don't really have anything to split anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/23 06:35 PM
2

because the counselor focused on her too much Translation: because she wants to believe that she is not the problem, you are. alcohol abuse lying about what was going on Yeah, she is the problem.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/23 06:34 PM
1

If I did the right thing refusing to leave Leaving can put you on the back foot as far as dealing with custody and property division, as it's not hard for her to just never let you see the kids and then the court will look at that and call it the 'status quo' and make it official despite your protestations. Not to mention that it's expensive to be paying for another place. Does it look bad for the husband to be the one to file No. If anything it gives you an advantage as you're the one able to m…
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/23 04:07 PM
3

Something about this rings 'impossibru' to me. You must look like Ryan Reynolds.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/23 03:55 PM
3

It depends on the culture. In a culture where: Family in and of itself is valued Divorce is discouraged, frowned upon and altogether will count as a negative against a divorcee except in cases where the divorcee was abused or cheated on (i.e. "he was a lazy oaf" translates to "I will leave you when I'm dissatisfied with how much you work" and "we had a dead bedroom" translates to "I'mma work my side piece if I'm not getting it from you as much as or as good as I want") Sex outside of marriage is…
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 08:46 PM
1

The high rates are eventually going to drop prices, which will end up resulting in a glut of rentals in the next two years as people end up having to move, but not willing to take the loss on the lost value of their homes. The rents will be barely enough to cover the ongoing mortgage payments because rentals will be too available, which will be good for the people moving in. Already got my bucket of popcorn and ready to watch the fireworks.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 05:39 PM
1

Because we're incompatible Dude . . . what you've described isn't "she wants to leave because we're incompatible." What you've described is that she's f$#@ing abusive and you've just get hit with the 'discard' part of the cycle. Check out r/bpdlovedones to see if any of their stories resonate with you. You were with a psychopath. If anything should keep you up at night, it shouldn't be the idea that she's with someone else -- it's that you put up with abuse from a psychopath for so long and didn…
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 04:22 PM
2

I'm sad to report that your only option is a frickin 2 bedroom. The problem is that pretty much all local governments are idiots about zoning and approving housing projects. The best way to reduce the price of something is to increase the supply of it more than its demand.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 04:17 PM
4

If I was so unhappy during our marriage, why am I feeling this way as we divorce? Because, good or not, it's a loss. Divorce isn't a magic happy pill and it doesn't actually solve any problems unless your spouse was the problem. There's nothing wrong with you. This is pretty normal and typical. reading books, working out, seeing a counselor, got a new job but are you doing something that you love doing? A lot of men find themselves getting better when they hit the gym, but I believe that's a coi…
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 04:13 PM
1

NTA. Just stupid for agreeing to do them together in the first place.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/23 04:45 PM
3

They're not more empathetic. They're merely different in how they process things. Men tend to focus on "fix the problem" while women tend to focus on "attend to the person." Both are highly empathetic, but for some (unintelligent) reason the "attend to the person" approach is seen as more empathetic.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/23 04:31 PM
10

Here's hoping she realizes that $850/mo for leaving is nothing compared to sharing equally in like $4,000/mo for staying (if that's what you were making). Probably not though.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 10:25 PM
1

Sounds like she wants to 'move up' and you're not doing so 'fast enough' for her. gaslighting and emotional manipulation That's abuse, bro. From now on you call it out every single time it happens. And if she escalates, you kick her out. This is not "my way or the highway," this is "I do not tolerate abuse."
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 09:45 PM
-1

Indeed. Careful not to burn out. She's just waiting for that moment for you to burn out so she can go "LOOK YOU COULDN'T DO THIS WITHOUT ME U FEKIN LOOSER LOL IM SO GLAD I DUMPED U."
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 06:42 PM
8

have been in couples therapy for over a year Sounds like your therapist is terrible, or you're not learning anything, you're just both going in order to triangulate the therapist against the other person. The therapist should be teaching you: How to fight fair -- argue in such a way that you can actually come to a conclusion about something you disagree about, without resenting each other. I.e. don't use ultimatums, don't take disagreement as a sign of disrespect, don't invoke anything outside o…
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 06:39 PM
1

That doesn't even work. In most jurisdictions if you're 'acting like you're married' then that counts.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 04:47 PM
3

20 years in tech will do that.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 04:45 PM
3

That number needs context. 39% end because the woman wants out. 11% end because the man wants out. 50% don't end at all.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 04:44 PM
1

I did. It's just connected to my value system -- and the value system of any woman I would have considered dating. Sex is prohibited outside of marriage. Divorce is discouraged except in the case of abuse and infidelity. Abuse and infidelity are penalized (i.e. for women engaging in 'hypergamy' if she leaves the marriage she gets nothing but the new man, and for men engaging in their own family-ruining crap they get 'yesterday's deal' which is continuing to pay for the family they barely get to …
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 04:42 PM
1

You're handling it correctly from a mechanical standpoint. As close to zero contact as possible. Ignore everything from her except for specific and actionable stuff like when/where for pickup/dropoff. Mine was like that, but constantly. Like 20 texts a day. Half of them were about how evil of a person I am and how I abandoned her. So I got a restraining order limiting her to 3 texts a day, limited in subject to specific, actionable stuff about pickup/dropoff. She complies because I actually got …
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 04:23 PM
2

First thing to know is that divorce is not a magic happy pill. Most couples who divorce are fighting no more frequently nor more intensely than couples who report being happy in the marriage. Most couples who divorce are no happier in the five years after the divorce than they were before. I'm not saying don't get divorced. I'm just saying that you can't just push the big D button and expect any of your problems to be solved. The only case in which divorce 'fixes' anything is if your spouse is i…
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 04:18 PM
1

Post-partum depression isn't just a mom thing either. Dads can get it too (though it's technically called neonatal paternal depression, it's essentially the same thing in terms of symptoms -- severe depression after the baby comes out). I've personally had it and it really sucks. Random uncontrollable crying.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 03:55 PM
2

It's that Reddit is charging for access to its API, which will break pretty much all the third-party apps for browsing Reddit (because the official one f$#@ing sucks). All these communities are blacking out to protest that.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 03:52 PM
5

Protest blackout. Reddit is starting to charge more for access to its API, which will make most of the best third-party apps for browsing Reddit (which the official app f$#@ing sucks) have to shut down because they can't cough up the money. Thousands of subs are shutting down for a while to protest the change.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 03:51 PM
1

Don't follow online calculators for any states but those that explicitly use the calculator. For most of them where you can find such a calculator, it's not calculating anything based in law at all, it's just a simplified model derived from "this is kinda the average of what has been offered in the past for your relative incomes."
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/23 08:27 PM
1

Fortunately that doesn't work in Arizona, where you literally can't offer $0 in child support unless your incomes are reasonably equal.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/23 08:25 PM
1

How is spousal support calculated Depends on how exactly you reach an agreement (whether you can just sign an agreement, whether it gets hashed out in mediation or whether you go to a judge for arbitration). In arbitration, it depends entirely on the judge, and somewhat on the jurisdiction. The jurisdiction will have guidelines on whether or not a spouse qualifies and what kinds of amounts to award, but ultimately those things are up to the judge to decide. (This, by the way, is where the real u…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/23 08:24 PM
–

Kids' safety first. If they are not safe with her long-term then demand primary custody, otherwise fall to next point. Fairness for you next. Account for everything you feel you need and want. These things are not negotiable. You need to be able to afford to live, afford to take care of your kids the amount of time that you have them, and not feel like you're struggling just to make ends meet. You should get no less than 50% of the time with your kids and a division of major property that feels …
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/23 07:58 PM
3

The answer is that unless there's a damn compelling reason not to let her have the kids 50% of the time -- such compelling reasons being that the kids are not safe there, i.e. she's smacking the kids around, or getting black-out drunk all the time and not taking care of the kids, or she is constantly and knowingly bringing the kids in contact with someone with a record of abusing kids -- then no legal entity is going to recommend anything other than 50/50. Sorry. Just how it is. On paper it's eq…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/23 07:49 PM
4

I know exactly how it will play out if it goes to trial. "You purchased the house together. It is therefore a joint asset." In the absolute best case scenario, your down payment gets subtracted from the equity when calculating how much you're ordered to pay to buy her out, but given that you bought it together and it wasn't something you owned prior to the relationship, that best-case is not particularly likely.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/23 04:26 PM
4

When it comes to uncontested divorce, you can have it put on paper literally anything you can agree to as long as it's possible to enforce. A judge will sign off on it as long as there's due consideration to both parties -- I don't mean "it has to be equal" or even "it has to be fair." It just has to look like "a reasonable person could sign this without being forced at gunpoint to sign it."
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/23 04:02 PM
13

wants 50/50 split of all the finances which is typical -- all joint assets (which is everything both of you earned during the marriage, including all bank accounts) are split roughly 50/50. Doesn't matter that she only worked one day a week, or even if she didn't work at all. Spousal support is a different thing. 5 years is a fairly short term and if she's capable of making enough to support herself then she should be. and the equity in our house You mention that you bought it before you were ma…
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/23 03:59 PM
1

Was for you. Doesn't do it for everybody though. Just need something that makes you feel awesome and get in 'the zone.' Could be woodwork or carpentry, could be something in tech, could be making music, could be art, could be writing a novel, could be a lot of things.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/23 09:21 PM
0

(Darth Sidious voice) Yes, yes, burn yourself out and never take care of yourself. We overlords at the government want you to do this to yourself, because men who take proper care of themselves can have influence and tend to influence people to vote against us getting more power.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/23 08:52 PM
1

The security camera footage would have cleared you of any wrongdoing, thus destroying her restraining order.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/23 05:26 PM
1

That's sexist. Calling women weak. Psh.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/23 03:58 PM
1

The framework for a relatively fair system is in place in a lot of jurisdictions -- spousal support exists (they abolished the term 'alimony' because its original meaning was punitive) but is hard-limited to 'what will keep her off the streets' with the expectation that she will work to her full capacity.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/23 03:41 PM
2

The fact that she was on the f$#@ing pills (and from previous interactions I know she was driving with the kids while high on pills) should have meant you would get full custody.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/23 03:37 PM
1

If I could have "stayed friends" with my ex, she probably wouldn't be my ex.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/23 09:14 PM
1

Me too. I'm sick of the terms being misused. Pop psychology is awful. "Gaslighting" has rather specific meaning and connotation. "Lies" are not directly gaslighting, although they can be part of gaslighting. Gaslighting refers specifically to acts intended to make someone question their own sanity.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/23 09:11 PM
-1

BPD isn't bipolar. BPD is "borderline personality disorder," referring to someone who has traits of both "neurotic" and often "psychotic" behavior. It was called "borderline" because they weren't sure which of the two to classify it as.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/23 09:08 PM
1

Because it's easy to understand and easy to displace blame when we tell ourselves that. Now I'm not saying that these men's wives weren't BPD. Mine in particular meets the standard pretty damn well. But I am saying that having a 'logical' reason why the ex behaves in a particular way enables men who may be otherwise hyper-introspective and self-sacrificing, looking for any opportunity to throw themselves under the bus and blame themselves for everything, to stop psychologically murdering themsel…
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/23 09:06 PM
1

Sounds like the big problem is really that you're just talking past each other. It's a pretty common problem.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/23 02:58 PM
1

Wow, what a win! Happy for you, man. For myself I can't help but think it would be amazing to have a functioning co-parent relationship with my ex -- but the thing is, if I could have had that kind of relationship with her while we were married I probably wouldn't have divorced her even if it were sexless. Personally I'm working on getting full custody as Child Services is involved with my ex. I had it on an emergency basis for a few weeks, only for it to be reverted on a temporary basis at the …
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/23 02:54 PM
2

Sounds like you've been hearing "it gets better" but haven't been paying attention when every single f$#@ing one of us on this forum has been hammering "take care of your f$#@ing self first." Boozing yourself and now drugging yourself is the opposite of that. I can't seem to get a win Means you're looking for wins that are too big and ignoring the small ones, and giving yourself massive losses in consolation for not getting the big wins. Start with the small wins. 'Didn't drink or do drugs today…
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/23 02:45 PM
1

I'll just whine about the 'little' stuff, not the f$#@ing psycho stuff that I divorced her over. Nothing was ever good enough. I cleaned? Accounting of every random item I might have touched, or you just shoved it all aside. Related to cleaning: Can't throw away any paper because they "might" be important. Especially all the frickin receipts. So I don't clean because it'll get me yelled at. Then she yells at me for not cleaning all the same, but at least this way I don't have the double ego hit …
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/23 06:02 PM
1

Even less Cherokee than Elizabeth Warren!
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/23 05:24 PM
1

My ex used threats to manipulate, and had severe mental illness and hypochondria giving her 'real' health issues. She had threatened divorce and threatened suicide many times over our marriage. The threats of divorce stopped once I said "yeah I agree, we should get divorced" and threats of suicide stopped once I said "if you're going to talk like that then I'm going to have to consider you a danger to yourself and get professionals involved." If she'd actually commit suicide over leaving her, I …
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/23 05:17 PM
2

many women are flaky, they will message you but then be barely interested in [...] What you may not realize is that pretty much all women on these apps might be flooded with attention and thus have the privilege of being picky. Some of them may very well be bots. Don't worry about the attention disparity. Just focus on being awesome for yourself, and it'll work out in your favor eventually.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/23 04:32 PM
1

because I didn't want to pay alimony or split investments There was an option for that. It's called "Cheaper to keep her."
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/23 04:46 PM
1

My religion values marriage. A man is measured by his family. "No success can compensate for failure in the home." I was a 'white knight.' I thought I could save my now-ex-wife from the psycho <insert sexist slur here> that had played "invasion of the body snatchers" with her. I had to defend my kids. It took realizing that it's better for them to give them one normal home and one unrestrained crazy home than it is to have a single home where I'm openly disrespected and abused.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/23 04:44 PM
1

In mediation and in 'amicable' (i.e. not requiring going through a mediator, just hashing out an agreement between yourselves), there are no rules except for a checklist of items that must be addressed -- specifically, all joint property must be accounted for and all rules regarding possession of the children must be set out. That's it. If you can agree to it, then you can make it official. As far as how spousal support is calculated, a few states have "income difference" guidelines when it come…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/23 03:55 PM
1

The mediator has no rules except "all these things on the list must be gone through" and "no fighting." Technically you can agree on whatever the F you want in mediation, as long as you can actually agree. The court would likely stipulate her at minimum wage, and it's the assumption that 'the court would do at least this' that drives what boundaries people usually set on what they'd accept in terms of agreements.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/23 03:49 PM
2

No. Taking a lower paying job in order to reduce support payments probably won't work. It'd be trivial to check through old tax returns to show you can (and according to the system, therefore should) make more and claim that you only reduced it to avoid paying more. That said, in Arizona, fault isn't considered at all unless you're specifically got a "covenant" marriage registered as such (which I'm almost certain that you don't). Domestic abuse is considered, though. Arizona also has guidelines…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/23 10:36 PM
3

Yeah you can always ask for a change. As evidence you can submit your income and budget and show hardship caused by the payments. Yeah, you really got screwed by going for mediation instead of getting a professional opinion on how much you should be paying. Maybe that fraction was customary in the 90's but it isn't now.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/23 06:20 PM
3

Tip number one: Mediation is not negotiation. It is a place to hammer out all the things that you already agree on, so they can't become bargaining chips for later. Yes, you can negotiate on the details, but you don't go "I'll give up this if you give me that" because what will happen is it gets recorded that "I'll give up this" but when the time comes later on to establish "ok now you give me that" and she will say "no" and now your only option is to say "screw it" and call off the whole mediat…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/23 05:08 PM
3

Women cheat for different reasons than men too. Men tend to cheat because sex becomes a way of feeling dominance. Women tend to cheat because it lets them get "better" partners without having to go through the struggles inherent to not having a partner.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/23 04:54 PM
5

Your payments for healthcare and insurance should impact what child support is. It should be right there on the calculator. How'd support get calculated? I'm guessing you just agreed and didn't get a lawyer, you figured it was fair? Yeah you got screwed. You should have used cost of living guidelines instead of income guidelines.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/23 04:52 PM
2

Waking up to realize that you've been abused is a process that takes time and a shift in your frame of mind. Often your friends have known about it for a long time and have been trying to drop hints in ways that you didn't recognize, because just outright telling you would have probably gotten them alienated from you and thus take them out from being in a position to help. It takes a lot of humility, too, to admit that you put yourself in a position to be abused, you weren't strong enough to say…
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/23 04:26 PM
2

Unless what she's doing is criminal it won't make a difference in court anyway. My ex was the same, she actually went to jail once and the only evidence I had against her was that my phone was broken.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/23 03:47 PM
6

Because no matter how good or horrible you or her were, it's still painful.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/23 06:56 AM
1

Depends on the kind of woman she is. 1) Whatever relationship you have with her, it's focused around what's best for the kids. 2) Your relationship with your siblings spouses isn't like mine. My siblings' spouses are every bit as family as my siblings are. But maybe that's because my family has a track record of marrying awesome people (I'm the single exception; my ex was always standoffish and negative about my whole family but my current wife is like family. None of the others have divorced). …
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/23 03:23 PM
2

You don't. You just start caring about yourself at least as much as you do yourself. You realize that you are hurting yourself for no gain whatsoever to stay focused on her.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/23 08:01 PM
11

I find it funny how often those with personality disorders will "diagnose" their partners with said personality disorders yet not recognize their own issues. One of the moderators of the NarcissisticAbuse sub is herself a power-mad narcissist and while I see a lot of genuine hurt and instances and examples of real psychological abuse there, there's also a handful of posts from "narcs who cry narc," people seeing their partners as "abusive" over things that may be relatively benign or even as res…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/23 02:22 PM
1

does it happen? It can. One person just f$#@ing wants out and will give up everything to get out. Both people are relatively reasonable and know they're not going to get any more out of each other than equal division, equal parenting time, standard-calculated child support and essentially no alimony, and they can be reasonable about the details. You've got a f$#@ing white-knight man who thinks it's still his responsibility to take care of his ex-wife and just gives her whatever the f$#@ she want…
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/23 08:31 PM
3

Not really. It would be her uphill battle to revisit it in the future even without the clause. All he has to do is retain documentation that her mental health conditions and drug use in the past were the reason she doesn't have the kids, and being the custodial parent all he has to do is say he still has those concerns, and the judge will order those things as a prerequisite to getting unsupervised visits.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/23 08:15 PM
2

She has mental health conditions and has attempted suicide 4 times, including recently That's enough that a judge would agree you should keep the kids even if it were contested. She uses weed every day I'd personally consider marijuana to be in the same category as booze. Could you tolerate someone having a daily drink around kids? Actually people aren't known to get violent even on large amounts of THC, though they do get irresponsible, while alcohol is known to not only lead to violence, it's …
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/23 08:12 PM
2

How to communicate with someone who hates you? Grey Rock -- zero response, zero emotion, if it's not direct actionable who/what/when/where/why for you to do, ignore it. Ignore rants. Don't bother defending against accusations to her. BIFF responses -- "Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm." Any time you respond (and only respond to specific, actionable stuff like pickup/dropoff, pay for this item), use those principles. Brief: Say no more than what needs to be said. One sentence consisting of who,…
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/23 04:27 PM
1

You start by improving yourself. Get healthy. Make your home healthy (i.e. learn how to keep stuff tidy -- there are no hacks, just constant work). Get mentally healthy by having a hobby that really speaks to you. Learn how to communicate effectively, especially with people who don't communicate effectively (recommend the book "Nonviolent Communication" as a starting point). If your wife sees the new 'you' and decides she loves you and wants to be with you again, congrats on 'saving your family'…
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/23 03:59 PM
10

The only person who gives me the side eye is my ex-mother-in-law, who is every bit as bad as my ex. Even my ex-father-in-law is on my "side." I did deal with a bunch of other crap that single dads deal with that single moms don't. The sheer condescension. The difficulty getting into play groups led by moms, because "can't trust a man alone with children" no matter how good they know the man is. Can't get resources because I make too much money, and the money I pay my ex in support doesn't count …
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/23 03:43 PM
4

Can confirm that "putting down what you really want to say to her, and then burning it" is really effective therapy.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/23 03:36 PM
1

People who run off emotions Not exclusive to women. It's literally everybody. It's just a matter of which things stroke the emotions. Think you're rational? That's your first mistake. You're irrational but the idea of being rational strokes your ego so you buy it. Think you're rational because someone else is doing something irrational? LOL you're getting emotional and upset about someone else's irrationality, which is in and of itself irrational. had no power or agency Or in other words, were s…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/23 07:45 PM
1

Sounds like you're not qualified then.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/23 07:36 PM
12

Mr. u/AdaptORSuffer, what you've just said... is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point, in your rambling, incoherent response, were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this subreddit is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no karma, and may God have mercy on your soul.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/23 02:46 PM
3

Taking it slow is always the right thing. There's no potential relationship that's so good it's worth dropping boundaries in order to get it -- if they're demanding that you drop boundaries and move fast, it's a sign that they're going to expect you to drop boundaries for them all the time.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/23 02:42 PM
0

You're a terrible person. The best thing to feel is not hate, but rather indifference.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/23 02:37 PM
1

lesbian 'discovery' is actually a way for them to avoid feeling guilt. I'd bet she is back with a man in another year or two Or, more likely, (and I'll probably get dinged on Reddit for saying it despite being backed by all the evidence), she actually is a lesbian but not for long. Somewhere around 2/3rds of "I'm attracted to the same sex" spontaneously disappears over 5 years, and that's exactly what you're observing with friends and relatives.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/23 07:24 PM
1

I don't think she has met anyone Nobody comes out as 'playing for the other team' unless they've already found someone they're super attracted to.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/23 07:21 PM
1

standard practice Usually not, actually -- and where it does exist, it's usually extraordinarily difficult to actually enforce (against your ex-wife anyway). What's more is that she'll hound the hell out of you with this clause even if she's being the world's biggest hypocrite. The only really enforceable thing would be if one of you is bringing a known sex offender or child abuser to see your kids. But that's actionable even without a paramour clause, by utilizing Child Protective Services.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/23 07:19 PM
2

The counterargument -- and make sure that when you make this argument that it's clear you're being facetious -- is "if dad makes more money than mom, then it NATURALLY must continue in divorce." Marriage shouldn't be 50/50 in any respect, it should be 100/100, both giving effort where it's optimal for everyone according to their skills and what they enjoy.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/23 06:28 PM
2

positive leverage Elaborate.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/23 06:20 PM
0

In a culture where sex outside of marriage is considered illegitimate and leads to social isolation and ostracization, then sure there is.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/23 06:19 PM
1

Depends on where you are, but you have to stop thinking "typical alimony." In a lot of places it's entirely discretionary. In a lot of places instead of being attached to income, it's basically hard limited to "the prospective receiver makes a reasonable budget. If they could reasonably earn enough with their credentials that the budget balances, the award is $0. Otherwise the award is hard limited to only the shortfall. If paying that shortfall would cause the payer to have a deficit in his own…
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/23 02:18 PM
1

When you treat an addiction, you don't simply treat the addiction. Ultimately you have to treat their whole environment.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/23 02:13 PM
–

Quick check of post history -- they're spamming this link to every subreddit that might have any keyword connection to anything in the video.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/23 10:18 PM
7

Volunteer. I thought Habitat for Humanity was great, but literally anything could get you in touch with people and help you feel like you're making a difference. Go to justserve.org to get started. Get a pet. It literally saves people from suicide, especially those who have lost more than you've lost. Dog, cat, bird, reptile, doesn't matter. Dogs and cats in particular are easy to connect with. Dogs are generally higher maintenance but said maintenance is a big part of why you connect.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/23 10:15 PM
2

Is hiring a lawyer worth it For me it was. It was a nice slap of reality because I was a f$#@ing simp white knight trying to do right by my psycho abusive then-wife. I was fully prepared to pay 1/3rd of my income in alimony for 5 years and an extra 1/6th in child support, effectively half my income poof gone. My lawyer (a woman! Never met her in person but I'd also bet she's black just based on her voice and her name, but I'd be fine if I were wrong) gave me a huge slap in the face reality check…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/23 05:42 PM
3

borderline personality disorder Run. Run the f$#@ away. She may be part of the problem with your drinking. Drinking is often an escape. the pain I've caused Yeah, but I'll also say that often with BPD and NPD abuse, they usually blame their victims, break them down and make them feel like the victim was the problem. I'm not saying you weren't causing problems, because with drinking, you probably were. I'm just saying you sound like you're in a spiral caused by abuse.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/23 05:36 PM
1

I'd put 55% as "reasonably close to 50%." I'd put "60/40" as "reasonably close to 50%." Whatever will make the machine run smoothly; gumming up the machine might end up costing more than whatever you'd 'save' at this point.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/23 04:35 PM
9

I was a horrible husband [...] she cheated on me The cheating makes her a terrible wife. Inexcusable regardless of what you've done -- she should have left you first, and if it were fear of your temper (dude that's abuse) then she should have left you without saying a damn word. That's how you treat a terrible husband who is going to destroy stuff if you talk to them. should I try for alimony Who did what is irrelevant. You ask for it. If your positions were swapped, she were abusive and you wer…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/23 04:32 PM
1

Works for some, not for all.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/23 03:02 AM
22

Honestly, anything that interests you is good. A few suggestions: Get a cheap guitar or keyboard (piano) and find YouTube tutorials on how to play. Get a Raspberry Pi kit (board plus case; you can plug in any keyboard and mouse and monitor you've got) and learn how to use Linux and code up some stupid little text games or make it a little web server that feeds you a stupid-looking page that you can write stuff on. If you're really interested in doing this stuff then a bajillion ideas will come t…
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/23 07:40 PM
11

Sounds like grounds for an annulment. Married for only a few days? LOL she gets NOTHING. No maintenance expenses, no share of equity in the house, NOTHING.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/23 02:36 PM
1

I was not exactly that man, but somewhere in that ballpark. Abusive do-nothing wife, emotionally broken. He needs to come to the realization that he's being abused by himself. At this point divorce is a foregone conclusion but he needs to snap out of the mindset that he owes her anything or can do anything to avoid a fight, and get into the mindset that he needs to take whatever he can.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/23 04:37 PM
3

It's one small step away from "take money from all men and just give it to all women." No, incomes should not be "made equal" nor should "the same lifestyle be maintained." You decided you didn't like the lifestyle, so you can get a new one. In some cases the marriage in and of itself held down one person from being able to do more outside the home, and enabled the other person to do something they might not have otherwise been able to do. In such cases I'm not opposed to a short-term arrangemen…
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/23 04:31 PM
3

I did that. Nobody said "you should support your wife" to me. They all said "this crap is way too crazy, I'm sorry man." (Which is rather different from "dump her and don't give her anything! Get out before he kills you!" which they might say to a woman considering leaving a man under the exact same issues).
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/23 04:15 PM
2

That's different from explicitly women-centric forums . . . how?
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/23 04:12 PM
0

I'd like to know what it was that got you banned. I've seen more than enough complaints of "they're just hateful <bleeps>" and it turned out the one complaining was just being toxic.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/23 04:10 PM
1

It's whatever you both can agree on, or whatever the judge orders if you can't agree. If the income is reasonably steady and doesn't rely on wildly variable bonuses, then you can probably generally agree on calculating it based on base income, but if most of the income comes from bonuses or commissions then you'll probably go off of some kind of average. In my case, we agreed on using my ex's actual income (minimum wage part time) instead of stipulating her income as either "minimum wage full ti…
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 03:18 PM
1

Now you know how women feel when their soon-to-be ex-husbands play games about what their incomes are :P
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 03:18 PM
1

For most people to do that, they'd have to go back in time and undo a lot of their decisions. They can follow i.e. Dave Ramsey strategies for getting out of debt but they can't just suddenly "become" debt free without a lot of work.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 03:11 PM
0

Not because the law is unfair, but because men in their desire to avoid conflict (not to mention their own pride) will choose to not require their exes to pay child support.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 03:09 PM
1

If your incomes are substantially different, then yeah the higher earner pays child support.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 03:08 PM
1

You're lucky that you were already close enough to a full agreement, they just walked you through getting details sorted.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/23 09:41 PM
2

Delete the FB post. It's good that you wrote it but the ideal way to deal with it is to make the effort to write it out by hand on paper, and then burn the paper. All the relief and venting, a visceral satisfying feeling of 'revenge' and a chance to let it go. Making it public is only going to make it worse for you.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/23 04:50 PM
0

Sounds like you've got some real anger issues.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/23 04:46 PM
1

Your tactic of "fight for things you don't want and then give them up" is excellent negotiation and should absolutely be done -- make them feel like they've "won" without you actually "losing" anything you really wanted -- but that's not to be done at mediation, which isn't negotiation, it's just crystallizing what you already agree on so it can't be used as bargaining chips later.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/23 04:44 PM
2

Tip number one is don't go into mediation thinking it's a negotiation. If you do, you end up losing. Mediation isn't negotiation. It's nailing down the things you already agree on, so that they can't be used as bargaining chips later. If you don't agree, just say you can't agree yet and move the F on. See if you can get a trial date set as a backstop against mediation.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/23 04:40 PM
3

It's not unusual to feel this way, just like it's not unusual to hate all black people or Latinos after getting mugged by a gang of them. The problem isn't all of them. It's just the ones you're in a position to actually meet. They're not all like that, but there are reasons why you're not meeting the ones who are not like that.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/23 04:33 PM
2

My ex-wife was the problem. It was eminently solvable -- she would just have to check herself into a mental institution. She wouldn't do it. I was sick of getting yelled at and hit, so I left.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/23 04:25 PM
1

Until she does, she's only going to get worse. Post-Partum Depression is no joke and needs to be taken care of.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/23 04:20 PM
1

Post-partum depression is a bitch. It often goes unnoticed. Untreated it can become a personality disorder. My ex was really clearly depressed after one of our kids. She refused to acknowledge it and get help. She was always one of those "anti-psychiatry" nuts. And so her PPD became psychotic depression, i.e. full-on hallucinations that people were breaking into our house. See the shift in attitude after kids? Maybe it's that. You weren't duped. She was amazing. And she broke because she got a c…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/23 03:37 PM
1

Yeah, I can just walk away with my opinion that you value "winning" more than you value your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/23 03:19 PM
1

I don't treat the safety of my kids or the sanctity of my property as a card game.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/23 08:15 PM
3

until my wife gathers up the kids and leaves Man, we need legal reform. Filing a "knowingly" false police report should come not with 'slap on the hand' consequences, but consequences that would have applied to the person filed against, to apply to the filer instead. /*by "knowingly" I mean with intent to harm the other person, and the facts are not at all ambiguous -- i.e. filing in good faith even if it turns out you're wrong should be fine.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/23 05:24 PM
1

It's not a 'card' to play because it's not a game. It's a fact that should be disclosed as early as possible, not as a "trap card" for an "opponent" to "step into." You're not trying to win. You're trying to keep the kids safe, and that's not something that you wait until the opportune moment to disclose. Disclosing early works in your favor because it establishes you as the "protective parent" even if it doesn't immediately land you custody. The "opportune moment" when it makes a "checkmate" gu…
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/23 05:21 PM
0

Queue In your use case it should be "Cue," not "Queue." "Cue" is an indication for something to start. "Queue" is a line of objects that get dealt with in the order that they entered the line -- i.e. the line to get on a ride at a theme park or a list of requests for printing. step one of healing process all over again You're not at step one. You feel like you've lost progress. You haven't. This is not even a minor setback. This is an understandable gut reaction, but if anything it's a step forw…
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/23 04:08 PM
1

cards Don't play "cards" here. This isn't a negotiation.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/23 03:48 PM
1

Hit hard. Hit fast. Be professional about it, don't pair it up with assloads of nasty irrelevant accusations. The court doesn't care about her cheating. The court might care if the kids testify that mom sucks (usually in a supplementary court, with neither parent witnessing their testimonies), and they'll certainly care if she's addicted to drugs. This isn't revenge. It's the combination of business and the safety of your kids. If she's as lazy an ass as you claim, it'll be easy enough. She'll m…
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/23 03:47 PM
3

There's a reason why there's hundreds of different women's hair products and only a handful of men's -- and the difference in men's hair products is primarily just which manly smell is added. And why men's hair care products are so much cheaper.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/23 03:33 PM
1

I have my own celebrations for my kids' birthdays, and my ex has hers. If it falls on my week, then I can have it on the actual day; if not, it's either the week before or the week after. Why the F does it need to be on the actual day and why the F does it need to be joint?
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/23 03:06 PM
2

staying out of each other's networks AKA "don't reach out to all my friends and coworkers to tell them that I'm a scumbag." AKA what my ex-wife did (and nobody bought it).
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/23 03:02 PM
1

Does that make you feel better? Do you feel worthy? Apparently lurking in a subreddit that's supposed to be a safe place for men going through divorce, in order to find something by your ex husband and go "gotcha!" is your activity of the day. Do something better with your time. How do you think it would be received if the genders were swapped and you commented something like this on an identical but gender-swapped post on, say, r/TwoXChromosomes? I'd bet the women there would rip you to shreds …
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/23 03:00 PM
1

S T A L K E R
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/23 02:49 PM
1

I do nasty things Stop it asshole. Write the nasty stuff you want to say to her down on physical paper . . . and then burn the paper. In response to her implied threat, I made one of my own LOL don't make threats. Just don't. That's a stupid idea. Instead, just send the binge drinking episode video to CPS. Don't make it a threat. Just do it, don't say anything about it. This is your kids' f$#@ing safety you're talking about and her binge drinking is incompatible with their safety. If she contact…
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/23 02:48 PM
3

So I'm going to ignore the rest of the post and focus on the actual question: Will divorce damage our kids? The answer is that it depends. For many divorce cases, yeah it'll damage the kids, because the parents themselves are pretty awful people and during and after the split process they are total assholes to each other and i.e. use the kids as pawns or as emotional support or other things that kids should not be. You can avoid those problems, at least on your side. It's not easy, but those can…
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/23 02:43 PM
6

Your state just needs to adopt philosophy of "alimony is not punishment for the earner and not income equalization for the receiver, it is a temporary thing enabling the receiver to make the necessary lifestyle changes to not be totally destitute." Its guidelines -- and your offer -- should be nigh independent of your income: amount capped at the gap between the receiver's stipulated income (current job or reasonably obtainable job extrapolated to full time, or minimum wage full time if no work …
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/23 02:58 PM
1

How do I restore my sanity That's the neat part. You don't. Instead you accept that you've always been insane, as evidenced by the fact that you stayed with her for so long. Praise yourself for having had such incredible patience and tolerance in spite of your poor judgement. Frame it this way. You're having a rare moment of clarity, but because you've been basically insane this different feeling feels like insanity. Ultimately you'll go back to being just a little bit insane, just like everybod…
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/23 02:35 PM
3

LOL shady as hell, there's no way you can trust her. IMO it doesn't matter whether or not she cheated -- she's exhibiting behavior that indicates you can't trust her for squat. This is a "bye Felicia" moment.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/23 02:28 PM
1

To be clear, the judge doesn't care (and technically isn't allowed to care) whether you have ADHD, depression, autism, schizophrenia, OCD, Cluster B Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, porn or gambling or video game addiction or any other mental health issue. The judge only cares about whether or not they can provide a safe, stable home, and however crappy a parent they are and whatever the mental health disorders are, there are reasonably fit parents with all of those. But key to being able…
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/23 09:19 PM
1

Would she take you kicking her over half her down payment instead of a 60/40 split?
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/23 06:02 PM
1

That's . . . not actually true. Alimony is generally ordered to be tax free to the recipient, and the payer pays taxes on it.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/23 05:29 PM
1

still with her affair partner If they've moved in together, that should disqualify her from all the f$#@ing alimony.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/23 05:28 PM
3

What'll matter to the judge is not the ADHD, but the fact that her mental health is detrimental to the kids as she can't provide a safe home for them.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/23 05:26 PM
1

alimony Damn. Your state really needs to adopt "modern" guidelines -- that alimony payments are capped at "whatever it takes to bridge the gap between her income (imputed if necessary -- minimum of minimum wage extrapolated to full time) and the sum of her 'living expenses' (which include nothing more than reasonable rent/mortgage, utilities and groceries), or if paying said alimony would cause the payer to fall short, capped to splitting the difference so they fall short equally." Like, that ne…
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/23 05:25 PM
1

Could you do 60/40 on the house in exchange for getting some other valuable piece of property solely that you would otherwise be splitting equally? You could easily end up dropping more than that other 10% of the house on lawyers. Or just give her half the down payment (as the other half is already hers, just coming out of the value of the house). I know it should really be a 'stick to 50/50' situation but I'm just looking out for best outcome for you, and getting a lawyer might end up just cost…
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/23 05:01 PM
1

I kicked my ex-wife a few extra g's (in the form of downgrading the appraisal of the home she was keeping; we had two and I got the other one and split the equity evenly) because . . . wait for it . . . she didn't think her appraisal was fair, it should be worth less than she estimated because she made some trashy 'improvements' (in her paranoia she had two windows boarded up, drywalled and painted over so it's just wall there and not window; the rest are protected by steel mesh security screens…
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/23 04:56 PM
3

I've been on r/custody for some time and it's absolutely not what you describe. The custody sub focuses on and maintains having a clinical 'legal advice' perspective. dads overall get demolished Haven't found that to be true on custody, and I've seen plenty of "you're being unrealistic, this won't make a difference it'll still be 50/50" on posts from women even when, for instance, a mom was complaining that kids were coming home from the dad's house with lice. The only dads getting 'demolished' …
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/23 04:52 PM
1

when (x) is a career ender Fear is how they control you. Refuse to be controlled. When nobody fears them then they have no more control.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/23 04:44 PM
1

Until the younger generation wakes up to reality Yes and resigns from marriage and family NO! You'd just be giving them exactly what they've been trying to do! Checking out isn't the answer. The answer is banding together in the same spirit as NOW to fight for change. Don't be toxic (i.e. don't seek to brand women as bad), but don't be afraid to be branded as a radical either -- those organizations were considered 'radical' when they started! Brand it not as a 'men's' movement, but as a movement…
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/23 09:30 PM
1

other feminist subs that actively make toxic comments or even wish harm on men Examples?
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/23 09:20 PM
1

The overall guideline is whether or not it's 'reasonable' for you to get the kids to school. Some places have harder and tighter restrictions. 27 miles might be pushing it; I'd ask for guidance from a lawyer who would know what your state/county considers reasonable.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/23 09:19 PM
5

Marriage counseling is individual counseling, but with two people at the same time. It can be helpful if you're still committed to each other and genuinely desire each other, but lack the proper skills necessary to maintain the relationship -- i.e. you haven't actually figured out how to communicate about things, you don't know how to have a productive argument (since I've been married again I know what a 'productive argument' looks like -- it's fantastic to be able to start from a point of disa…
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/23 07:42 PM
1

This is why moderation is crucial. You ban the ones that step over the line and you delete the posts that step over the line. That wasn't happening. In any sub, if the stuff stays up, especially if it's upvoted, then it's assumed to be the view of the sub regulars. There are few examples where it really was ideological persecution and not just "they're toxic." The Trump sub is one example -- it was moderated excellently; they had a whole lot of regular anti-trump trolls who'd post "toxic" conten…
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/23 07:12 PM
1

Would have very little if it weren't for the relationship Emphasis on FEW. Most would have been fine. dude wasn't improved by the relationship By whose measure? Yours? Doesn't matter. The one in the relationship is the only view that matters.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/23 07:07 PM
2

I don't know that I'll call for a ban but I would call for: Alimony, spousal support or other court-ordered income transfer payments to be limited to cover only the 'gap' in a 'reasonable' budget -- i.e. no more than what it takes to bridge the gap between the receiver's income (which is imputed at full time minimum wage at least, or an estimate of their market-value potential income based on education and experience) and the market rate rent, utilities and groceries in the locality for a family…
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/23 11:13 PM
0

Men who don't get married generally don't get any access to their kids, but they still get hosed financially via child support.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/23 11:00 PM
-3

Sounds like somebody hasn't read any of the garbage that was actually on there.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/23 10:57 PM
0

Why should anyone be an entrepreneur when it means risking everything and you lose everything if you fail -- and you could fail at any moment for reasons that have nothing to do with how hard or smart you work, even if you've done literally everything right -- and then even if you strike it big then the government comes in and just taxes you to death anyway, right? You guys are the f$#@ing problem and the reason why government can just do whatever it wants, because you guys will just accept what…
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/23 10:56 PM
-1

Tomassi . . . the guy profiting off of the disaffection of men and practically creating incels . . . no thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/23 10:45 PM
1

You don't owe her anything except 50% of the joint assets and support for long enough for her to make the necessary adjustments to her lifestyle to support herself. If she can somehow keep the house in exchange for 'buying you out' with assets she would otherwise be entitled to, that might be a good deal -- i.e. she gets the house, but you get 100% of the investments that 'her share' of them would be half the equity in the house. Otherwise? There's no way she could afford it. Either you buy her …
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/23 03:24 PM
1

I'm in the rare 10% who filed (for couples where the wife has a Bachelor's Degree or higher, it's 90% women who file). I was in an abusive relationship. She had me pretty messed up and had even hit me a few times (of course she spun it so it was MY fault!) Life now? I'm doing great. After the divorce was finalized and I had therapy (and a little medication which got me out of a 'broken' funk) I felt better than ever. I even met a woman who was "basically me but as a woman" and ended up marrying …
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/23 03:19 PM
1

It's not that he doesn't want to be served, it's that he doesn't want her to know his address.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/23 03:15 PM
6

I filed for divorce and have full custody Means she must have been a pretty damn terrible mom. Destroying her isn't what you wanted, and it's not what YOU did. What you wanted was to be apart from her, and without you she has totally self destructed. She did this to herself. And yeah, she's delusional if she thinks she's going to afford a three bedroom place.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/23 03:13 PM
0

Given the choice between you and the article writer for "who understands women better" I'd take the article writer.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/23 03:05 PM
8

For men who identify with that, I suggest reading No More Mr. Nice Guy.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/23 03:05 PM
9

hit up the bar or tinder I wouldn't even do that, and wouldn't do porn either (because that's its own frickin rabbit hole of addiction and normalizing stuff that IRL people would go to jail for, and that's just in the "vanilla" category you see on the front page of the usual websites). Your hand reaches there just fine, and if you have problems with that then your body will do it all on its own in your sleep.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/23 06:49 PM
5

An intelligent idea. The best idea. It's not difficult to simply 'not date.'
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/23 06:47 PM
1

Own the house, rent it out using a property management agency. Consistent passive income that more than pays the rent on a place that fits your lifestyle. For me, though, owning the house is part of the lifestyle. Building stuff for it, building it into the house. Can't get away with doing that while renting.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/23 06:45 PM
1

Define 'dad bod.' I've seen people call Adam West and Will Shatner in their primes as having "dad bods" but they were at perfectly healthy weights and were remarkably fit -- they just weren't 'chiseled.' That's the peak of health and the 'chiseling' is almost unhealthy. I hope we see a trend back toward promoting that as "what a man should look like." If by 'dad bod' you mean "obese but you don't really look fatter than anybody else you know" then you're one egg salad sandwich away from death by…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/23 08:31 PM
1

Minimum for non-creep factor is A=N/2+7. If you're 42, then you could reasonably date someone as young as maybe 28 before you start looking like a cradle-robbing creep. Works the other way too -- the oldest woman you could date is 70, but I probably wouldn't do that.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/23 08:28 PM
1

Was the separation official, i.e. with legal documents? If so, you might be clear. If not . . . file yesterday. Your financial obligations are not to enable her to keep being negligent.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/23 08:24 PM
3

Ouch. Yeah I'm both a dad and a stepdad, and my stepkid has had the dad out of the picture for virtually the whole time. I'm planning on adopting soon; I'm sure the old uninvolved dad will have no problem with that.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/23 07:59 PM
1

For that kind of stuff? You really can't. What you can do is pull half from the joint account and stop direct depositing your whole check into that account, so she doesn't have access to any new money. About big purchases on credit, though -- if you've already filed then both of your credit should be frozen and anything major purchased after that can be clawed back.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/23 04:20 PM
4

Does your employer offer short term disability? Depression and anxiety are usually qualifying disabling ailments for this, albeit one that requires working closely with a doctor to get the diagnosis and keep up reports of treatment (too many people abuse the 'depression' diagnosis for this so they scrutinize closely). It's something that I had to do for a while, along with opening up to people about how bad it was getting. Here's hoping there's not really anything to fight over -- i.e. nobody's …
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/23 04:05 PM
1

I do think society needs men. But I think society needs better men than what they have right now -- and the way biology works, it doesn't need nearly as many if the 'traditional' social rules change. I think a lot of women would be willing to change the rules if it meant getting better men, i.e. check out the Deseret Territory (Utah prior to statehood) up to about 1890 for example. Women chose this, having the right to vote in the territory long before they did in the United States, and having i…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/23 03:04 PM
3

Impartially? Get full custody. That woman has no business having kids. Who the hell is telling you "let your ex eff up all her relationships with the kids?" No. Don't even give her the opportunity. Let them have a good relationship with an imaginary mom instead of letting them have a metric assload of resentment toward their real mom plus all the emotional scarring when she blows it. That's what's best for the kids. Until they're old enough to hear the whole story, just say "she's made some real…
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/23 02:26 PM
1

I see the alternative as, shall we say, entitled. Believing that "society needs us so badly that if we stop participating, then they'll beg us to come back and let us dictate our terms."
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/23 01:57 AM
3

"But who cares? No big deal. I want moooooooooooore" -women who leave when their husbands are doing just fine.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/23 10:36 PM
7

If I had been coming home to a clean house, a fresh hot meal and a partner who genuinely loved and appreciated me, I wouldn't have gotten a divorce. Heck, if I had even gotten along well enough with my ex-wife to be able to coordinate something like "bird nesting" (where the kids stay in the same house and the parents swap residences every other week) then I wouldn't have gotten divorced, because I could have lived with 'loveless, nearly sexless but at least there's basic respect and civility.' …
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/23 10:35 PM
3

made empty threats of leaving me That's emotional abuse right there. If she's threatening to leave you in order to get what she wants, that's abuse. Don't take it. I took it for so many years. File first. It'll only get worse if you don't. She has no intention of leaving you until she's got someone else on the hook who makes more than you but will remain compliant to her jackass demands, and until then she's only going to escalate them.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/23 07:55 PM
1

This belongs on r/theredpill and not r/divorce_men. I did enjoy reading it though. I'd be similarly interested in reading Curious Orca's take on men's behavior, such as "men going their own way" and what they're hoping to accomplish by engaging in i.e. defeatist behavior.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/23 03:55 PM
1

Marriage only makes sense in cultures where any of these are true: One sex is genuinely disadvantaged by law and/or culture -- I mean to the point where that sex is virtually guaranteed to live in poverty, I don't mean 'pay seven percent off the other sex's pay on average' -- and marriage is the only means for that sex to gain the advantage of the other's lifestyle. (Such conditions are terrible and I'd never wish for anyone to go back to them). Sexual relations outside of marriage are frowned u…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/23 03:34 PM
1

Indeed. It's meant to be temporary "you don't have to uproot everything immediately and suck on the government teat just to survive" support, long enough for the payee to execute on a plan to build a new lifestyle independent of the payor, and then it's supposed to end. There's a reason why so many of them have a "marries or cohabitates" clause ending the duration of spousal support -- because if your plan to maintain your lifestyle is to shack up with another dude who pays for it, then let him …
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/23 09:57 PM
4

Start by throwing away your 'nice guy.' I don't mean be a jackass or even "not nice." I mean this: The "nice guy" operates on a system of "covert contracts" wherein they consciously or subconsciously believe that doing something for someone obligates them to reciprocate in some way -- in the worst cases, thinking that complimenting a woman and white-knighting for her entitles him to sex. Don't worry about getting laid. Heck, don't even worry about finding the right person. Focus on being enough …
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/23 06:31 PM
8

How men tend to consider staying in the relationship due to grea+t sex life. It's not the great sex life that keeps them around. It's loss aversion. When it comes to the mediocre "too bad to stay, too good to leave" point, women tend to leave as they expect the 'grass' to be 'greener' somewhere else, while men tend to stay as they expect there to be 'no grass anywhere else, even if this grass sucks.' I have compromised massively in terms of [...] There's your problem. She thinks you're a doormat…
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/23 04:19 PM
3

The way it's written here it sounds like "glee that he's screwing her over." Same content but reframed as "she thinks she's going to screw me over" would probably fare as well as any other post on that sub. The real test would be posting in the divorce sub with genders swapped. Or posting in TwoXChromosomes.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/23 06:09 PM
3

So why the attorney? Because even in a simple cut and dry case where there's not much to split, it's a complicated process and having someone to slap you with a bit of reality check on what to expect is useful.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/23 02:51 PM
1

Still wouldn't worry.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/23 02:33 PM
3

I wouldn't worry about that. Anyone who'll take negative information about you from an ex is someone you wouldn't want anyway, and most smear campaigns come back and bite the smearer in the butt eventually anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/23 10:57 PM
2

You google and you background check. You just don't say anything about it. You don't worry what she thinks of you. If what you see raises red flags, you just message her "I had a fun time with you but I don't see fit to pursue a relationship with you" and then block her. If she brings up that she googled you and whatnot, you call her a stalker and you walk out of the date right then and there. Hold her to the standard. People with double standards don't change when called out on them. You don't …
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/23 10:56 PM
2

In the movie "Fatal Attraction" the woman has Borderline Personality Disorder, which causes sufferers to have extreme fear of being ignored or abandoned or other stuff, and in turn they act out rather violently at the slightest unreasonable possible hint that this could be happening. In Fatal Attraction she takes the family's rabbit and drops it into a pot of boiling water. "Bunny Boiler" therefore is a reference to someone with BPD. I was married to one for over a decade. Trust me. You do NOT w…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/23 02:54 PM
3

"I ain't sayin she's a gold digger . . . but she ain't playin with no broke n***er" - Kanye West
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/23 02:48 PM
2

Everyone else has good advice -- insist on 50/50 (unfortunately you're in Texas where it's customary for fathers to get every other weekend -- but it'll take every divorcing man in the state always fighting for it and overwhelming the system before that'll change. Be part of the force for change.), anything you put into accounts since being married gets split in half (and anything you had before getting married doesn't get split). Your stbx needs to work and she's not entitled to alimony based o…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/23 05:07 PM
1

Only if divorce is filed "for cause."
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/23 04:55 PM
1

She flips it around on him when he tries.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/23 04:42 PM
1

It's really that your idea of what a "good man" is is wrong, especially because society gives you a really piss-poor definition of what's a good man. A good man leads. He pulls his weight but in doing so he provides direction for others to follow. He considers the desires of those he leads (including his wife and children) but doesn't "obey" them, he takes them as factors to consider in leading. He corrects those he leads -- not 'punishing' them for bad behavior, but offers that his corrections …
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/23 04:40 PM
2

^this. u/dday_throwaway3 is one of the few men here who consistently give genuinely good advice without being toxic and I appreciate it.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/23 04:17 PM
2

How can you prevent divorce without becoming the obedient unit in the household, eager to please any needs and fix any issues? LOL becoming the obedient unit doesn't prevent divorce either. If anything it hastens it as you become a person who's no longer interesting or attractive to her. Men and women communicate very differently and as a result each thinks the other is a 'bad communicator.' In general, men say what they want but not how they feel, and women say what they feel and not so much wh…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/23 04:12 PM
2

It's projection. She's been trying to poison them against you, and when it comes back and bites her in the butt she assumes that you've been doing it in order to feel better about herself. This is pretty standard fare for breakups, period. It's not a woman thing or a man thing, it's a "whoever was the toxic person" thing.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/23 02:31 PM
3

Not too long ago I made an argument about the feminist concept of the "Mental Load." That many women feel that even if their husbands are 'doing stuff' they shouldn't get credit for it because they had to be reminded, or because the woman was still managing it and juggling the stuff in her mind so that her husband could keep up. My argument was that it's BS -- it's not that these women are carrying a burden that men aren't carrying. It's that these women are f$#@ing micromanagers who can't let g…
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/23 02:44 PM
2

At this point, as soon as you get it all dismissed I'd say pull a page from the ways women cheat the system and get away with it. If she's dangerous for the kid, next time you have him you quick move to another state and refuse to be possible to contact. Ditch your phone plan and get a new one, entirely new number and everything. Ditch your old email address and sign out of everything on it, including your phone. Attach your phone to an entirely new email account. Maybe even publicly identify as…
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 05:24 PM
1

That'd be too much work to be worth it for me.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 04:51 PM
5

Leave the 'installed' stuff but reset them all so she can take over. Zero work for you. Take the firewall, mesh router and NAS with you. Don't be stupid enough to be the tech guy for her. She wants your tech help, she can pay you as much as she'd pay a tech consultant.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 02:47 PM
3

It's time to get a lawyer. Find one that can do pro bono or offer affordable payments. You've been falsely imprisoned and lost your employment because of it and as such should be entitled to compensation for those things. Your stbx is also unfit to be a parent and you should have full custody of your child. You need to get involved with Child Services and work with them to show that you're the protective parent.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 02:43 PM
2

That's . . . pretty typical of exes in general. arguing with a brick wall I wouldn't use that as an analogy. The brick wall doesn't lash out and try to hurt you. I'd say it's more like . . . trying to argue with a cholla cactus in a dust devil. Chollas are these noodly cacti that make a prickly fruit thing that can jump off the plant at any time and they're known for getting stuck on animals (including people). It's like a cactus that can use its needles offensively and not just defensively.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 02:36 PM
1

I again reiterate that if settled out of court, anything you agree to can be made official. That said, the notarized affidavit will almost certainly help protect that property from getting split, though there's never a guarantee.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 02:24 PM
1

It depends. Settled out of court, technically anything you agree to, as long as it has 'consideration' for the other person, it can be made official. 50/50 on anything isn't a given, it's just usually how it turns out as that's the best the parties can agree to. You could very well agree to "I have my account and assets and you have yours," and if that's what you agree to and sign off on then the judge would sign off on it. Inheritance is sole property. Homes are generally joint property but tha…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/23 10:47 PM
22

She's a monkey feeling around for the next stable branch, but wants to have the option of getting you back if she can't find anybody she likes. What does it say in your divorce decree about who has your place? Move out or kick her out (whoever owns the place stays) and stop giving her the opportunity to suck you back in.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/23 10:37 PM
2

Red flag doesn't necessarily mean "do not proceed under any circumstances." It's just a stop sign to figure out what's going on.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/23 12:05 AM
1

OR her ex husband was bat shit crazy. Seen that before.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/23 12:04 AM
2

A lot of states have ditched 'equal standard of living' as something to value and instead approach it as 'equal sharing of shortfall' -- that is, both parties submit what they believe to be 'reasonable' budgets (up to the judge to decide what's 'reasonable') including evidence for why that budget is reasonable (i.e. actually tallying the groceries, utilities, etc.) and alimony is capped at "no more than what it takes to cover the shortfall on a reasonable budget."
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/23 12:02 AM
1

This guy's advice is ☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠☠
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 11:59 PM
6

Only a horrible person would take children away from their loving mother My response: "And if she were actually their loving mother I wouldn't be taking them away."
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 11:55 PM
6

And you are wrong. It's "what do you already agree on?" If both can actually negotiate in good faith then it can work, but the second either party actually puts pressure on the other and the pressure isn't met with equal pressure, then it becomes a 'whatever the stronger party wants' festival and not an actual negotiation. Better to treat it not as negotiation.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 11:54 PM
1

File ASAP. She'll still get half of the assets. You can't really argue that unless the "public value" of the assets are phantoms that depend on you personally (i.e. share of a company that you own) -- but even then she'll still get a hefty chunk. For alimony . . . that depends on the state. Don't follow any calculators because there aren't any valid ones. Zero. That's entirely discretionary in most places and all you should offer is a tribute to shutting up. For child support . . . use the calcu…
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 11:51 PM
1

I think it's time to revisit the psych meds. Frankly it's really hit and miss whether or not a given one or a given dose is going to work for someone specific; it's time to cycle through alternatives to see if anything works any better. And sometimes you just need to change medications to get something effective again. Hell, getting the wrong medication -- which seems likely that the medication that worked in her early life, but now she's changed enough that it's not the right medication anymore…
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 11:41 PM
1

Net-net they're cheaper than HMOs even if you push to out of pocket maximum unless you have a really, really generous employer that's paying the majority of the cost.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 11:37 PM
1

Wife with serious depression, anxiety, history of self-harm This is a huge factor. If you've already tried everything else, an ultimatum may be in order. "Get help or get out. I can't live with you holding every damn thing over my head with a threat to hurt yourself." Worried if leaving will worsen her mental health Her problem -- would staying be worse for the kids? Not so confident in her ability to take care of herself and kids without me All the more reason to get gone. You'll need to specif…
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 11:36 PM
7

Mediation is not negotiation. Don't treat it as such or you will get screwed. It is a place to lock down what you already agree to, and possibly lock down a more beneficial position on specific issues than what you expected if it's being offered. It just secures pieces of the agreement that the judge doesn't have to (and won't) make decisions on. You don't like something presented? Say no. Don't say "ok if you'll compromise and give me <x>." She'll get the thing she asked for, and then say no to…
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 11:24 PM
8

Finally, actual good advice with no toxic BS.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 11:05 PM
-2

Says the guy who's so butthurt about his divorce that he now hates all women. From a guy who lost one but found something much better: You're supposed to be vulnerable and show when you're hurting, but you're not supposed to be crippled by hurting. You're supposed to lead. Leaders do admit when they are wrong and make course corrections, but they don't give up and stop doing stuff just because they got something wrong, nor do they throw hissy fits and punish anybody. If anything, they thank the …
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 11:03 PM
0

There's a patriarchy at the top. Everyone else is subject to a matriarchy. Women control what our homes are like. They do most of the spending. They control our educations, they control our moment to moment health care, they control what we are allowed to see in published media (i.e. censorship, political correctness et al) and control what's considered 'polite' in society. The patriarchy just gatekeeps who's allowed in the upper echelons of society. And one last thing: I'll say with humility th…
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/23 04:07 PM
3

It's an inherent difference between men and women. Women are more likely to be "pursuers," chasing down what the other person's feelings are, and then leaving them when they aren't getting what they wanted anymore. They are more likely to leave when things aren't actively good anymore. Men on the other hand are more likely to be "withdrawers," pulling themselves into a 'shell' when they're uncomfortable or vulnerable. They'll tend to stay in one place unless things get to be actively bad. I'm on…
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/23 07:42 PM
2

"Then we'd better get you on an antibiotic because ulcers are caused by H. Pylori B infection."
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/23 03:37 PM
3

"Sounds delicious, why don't you have a sip babe?"
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/23 03:14 PM
2

Can't say how it is in VA. In AZ, though, you're still required to file "married filing jointly" (or however you were filing before the divorce) until the year after the divorce is final. Therefore all that mortgage interest is deductible, her medical insurance is part of the insurance requirement for her and it's deductible (if it wasn't taken out of your paycheck pre-tax). Are utilities deductible? They aren't deductible on federal taxes or in any state that I've lived in. Maybe VA is differen…
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/23 03:10 PM
8

"I want a divorce" Later: "Why is my coffee blue?"
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/23 03:03 PM
1

What you're feeling is normal and common. Sorry, bud. It's rough. And it's not like you can just substitute any of this, drop in another woman or drop in anything as a substitute. And you shouldn't. You need to process it as a loss just as if she had died, even though she's still here and you don't hate each other. List the reasons for the divorce. I'd bet none of them have really changed, and I'd bet if you got back together every single one of them would be right back smacking you in the face.…
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/23 11:54 PM
1

What state are you in? It'll vary by state. In a lot of states, support is capped thus: You both assemble reasonable budgets representative of your lifestyle -- that is, all your typical expenses including communications (internet, phone), utilities (water/trash/power/gas/etc), rent/mortgage (calculated for post-split after asset division), typical month of groceries et al, in general stuff that can vary in cost but are generally things you can't avoid spending money on. This does not include va…
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/23 10:28 PM
1

Don't sign it until you have the funds.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/23 10:07 PM
2

Family Court runs on a huge amount of momentum. They do what they do because that's how it's done. That's court -- and law -- in general, not just Family Court. Most court cases are literally "here's the evidence that this particular statute was violated" followed by "in other cases comparable to this one, this is what the judge decided, therefore you should decide roughly the same thing." Family court is the same -- "in other cases like yours we did this, therefore in your case we do roughly th…
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/23 08:03 PM
1

I'd suggest that ROFR be limited to, for instance, the case where it's a sizable fraction of a day.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/23 07:52 PM
-4

Can't believe misogynistic $#!+ like this -- which has nothing to do with divorce! -- is allowed on this sub.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/23 05:14 PM
-3

You're missing a section of the porn industry -- literature, which is 99% purchased by females. You're also a bit off the mark there on visual porn usage -- closer to 80/20. And you're also missing a big part of why women don't spend as much on porn -- men go to porn to get the sex they aren't getting from women, women would go for the same reason . . . but women can much more easily get a date and get laid than men. Aren't you guys always complaining that for men it takes forever to find a date…
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/23 03:27 PM
-4

And on top of that, made the male undergo a much stronger drive (testosterone) to receive this pleasure. That's simply not true. Female sex drive (estrogen) is every bit as powerful as the male's. It is true that the general segregation of male and female components to reproduction means that, with very few exceptions, a male can partner with an effectively unlimited number of females and thereby gain numerous offspring, while a female can only have one clutch of offspring at a time, and thus th…
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/23 02:50 PM
2

And there it is. The reveal of your personality. It's not that men are not interested in friendship . . . it's that the men around you aren't interested in being friends with you.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/23 10:29 PM
1

Well then who are you to criticize and complain?
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/23 08:08 PM
3

Or am I describing 99% of men?
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/23 07:45 PM
3

I'm in favor of 50/50 in most cases. My ex, however, is frickin insane and shouldn't be around the kids until she gets a psychiatric intervention. I tried to push for full custody during the proceedings based on my then-stbx's BS. Unfortunately neither of us were ever seen and the judge laughed it out. So I stuck with 50/50 feeling powerless, just being the best dad I could be. Later on the Department of Child Safety opened up a case against my ex, which gave me an opening to secure temporary em…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/23 06:02 PM
2

I really do. If your men are being restricted from being friends with you because their wives are saying no, then sure it's because their wives aren't great, but it's also because those men are not leading their marriages. Wanna know why MGTOW isn't having the same kind of impact that the various waves of Feminism have? It's because it's a BS passive aggressive movement that's basically "if we leave they'll be begging us to come back!!!1" instead of asserting themselves. It's like refusing to ea…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/23 05:55 PM
1

LOL your choice of bleeping the word created a valid email address for markdown to auto-link.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/23 03:02 PM
1

Sounds like you're surrounded by as sucky of men as you were women.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/23 02:58 PM
2

Harassment should not be "the feels" but rather "under the weight of evidence there is reasonable belief that harm will be done to the person or property if not stopped." The UK can go to clown world; you can see it breaking down right now but all it will take is a critical mass of people deciding "f$#@ it" and calling themselves "gender-fluid" and declaring that everyone is misgendering them all the time. "That person called me a 'he' when I was clearly feeling like a 'she' at the time!"
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/23 05:42 PM
1

The 'nice guy' trap isn't that you do nice things. That's fine. Being kind is a virtue, so long as it doesn't become a vice (i.e. giving things away to the point where you don't have anything for yourself). The 'nice guy' trap is the thinking that 'if you are nice, then others will be obligated to be nice to you' and worse, 'if people don't reciprocate your niceness then they are depriving you of something you deserve.'
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/23 04:28 PM
1

such as leading is bad I'm pretty sure that's not the case for his limiting beliefs. I think he insists on leading, but that he's never gotten out of the initial 'just learning to live independently' phase where he's still processing the fact that he can just buy frosting in a can and hasn't figured out that it's bad for him yet, only it's not actually frosting. Maybe this isn't the sub for him to figure out those things, but at the very least we can tell him which tree he should be barking up.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/23 04:04 PM
1

Leave and take the kids with you. File for emergency custody based on the TRO and CPS investigations. Tell them "I don't feel safe being there and I don't feel safe with my kids over there." If she shows up to collect the kids, call the cops for violation of the TRO.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/23 03:17 PM
1

It was practiced on a jurisdiction by jurisdiction basis long before Reagan. California was just first to codify it into law. And it was a solution to bigger problems hanging up family courts.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/23 03:11 PM
1

It's not a crime because "your feelings" are not something that the government sees fit to protect. It has a hard enough time trying to protect you from physical and property harm. Feelings are subjective. It's not taken into consideration in divorce courts because it doesn't make a difference anyway. It doesn't impact whether or not a parent should have access to their kids, and it doesn't impact how much stuff is jointly owned. Might as well ask why apostasy -- leaving a church -- isn't a crim…
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/23 03:08 PM
1

Illegal to 'misgender' a person? Poof, I'm gender-fluid and can get you sent to jail because my pronouns change based on what's convenient for me.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/23 03:00 PM
1

'No Fault' is not the issue. If anything, No Fault was a solution to worse issues. Imagine if every divorce had to come with proof beyond reasonable doubt that one party was having an affair or that one party was abusive. You'd have a quarter of all men in the country having served at least some jail time for assault. Oh, and Reagan didn't come up with it. He was just the first one to codify it into law. But it was practiced by some states and territories before 1900, just not codified into law,…
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/23 02:57 PM
1

I normally like your advice, and in this case as a general piece of advice it would be fine . . . but in this case the guy is just being stupid. She's asking him to lead and he's just being clueless and directionless. What he needs is not to be told "don't do things just because you're being told to." What he needs is to be instructed on basic functioning of adult life.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/23 02:46 PM
1

thinks me not getting health and life insurance is an example of not caring for her She's framing it wrong, and the way she's framing it is causing a problem. Not having health or life insurance isn't about not caring about her. It's about not caring about yourself. Seriously. Get it. You have one stupid unpredictable accident. You get sick or hurt in a serious way, i.e. meningitis or irritable bowel syndrome or snap your ankle when you accidentally step in a pothole. Poof, you're now pretty muc…
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/23 02:42 PM
1

Most cases don't actually need a lawyer doing anything but advising them on next steps and getting perspective on what's reasonable. The big things you need to do are: find out the process for filing for custody and follow it to the letter. Florida is a 50/50 custody state, meaning all you need to show is you've had basic involvement and interest in raising the child, and you'll probably get it unless she can successfully prove you're harmful to the child (and that's an uphill battle in and of i…
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/23 06:49 PM
1

LOL you've found a way to quickly attract and manipulate easy loose women that are exactly the type that I'd avoid, filtering out any woman who isn't of that type. Congratulations. Sounds like you've contracted Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The fact that you find yourself agreeing with the points doesn't mean that the points are correct, it means that the person presenting them is an effective persuader. Here's the real red pill -- people are basically meat robots with severe security vulne…
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/23 06:39 PM
1

attorney says because CPA is her husband OOF HOLY CRAP. That should have been disclosed before hiring the guy. Conflict of Interest so bad they should offer a refund. Waste your money paying a family member, and then declare you can't use what that person did. That's a f$#@ing scam and that lawyer should be disbarred over it. never married How long did you live together? Common-law marriage? If you were never married there shouldn't be any joint property to disburse. (If you were common law marr…
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/23 05:23 PM
2

Just like Atlas Shrugged, you kind of read point by point by point and find yourself nodding 'uh huh', 'uh huh', 'uh huh' but then noping the F out when it gets to the conclusion "therefore be an asshole."
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/23 05:16 PM
3

Same here. I was having legit anxiety attacks, felt like I was going into atrial fibrillation. First anxiety med I tried didn't really help, switched meds and went through serotonin syndrome for a few days, then drastically improved. I eventually got off that med because it also made me sleepy but damn if I didn't take it I'd have run out of disability leave from the sheer burnout.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/23 05:15 PM
3

Single dad here who married a single mom. So far best decision ever.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/23 05:10 PM
2

Violets are red Roses are blue When metamaterials alter their hue.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/23 05:09 PM
2

Short term gains, my man. She refinanced to remodel the house and use the equity to buy a new car. She's hocked herself into more debt in order to look better. That's "future broke idiot" behavior right there.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/23 02:49 PM
2

You're not getting it. When you get married, unless it's otherwise explicitly stated and agreed to, you don't 100% own the stuff you acquire anymore, you 50% own it, shared with your spouse. Even if she has a job. And the same goes for her -- she doesn't 100% own the stuff she acquires, she 50% owns it.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/23 02:42 PM
1

if she pay half then half of for her anyway You couldn't be more wrong. You're taking "I wish it were this way" and declaring "It's supposed to be this way but everyone's getting cheated." That's the kind of loser attitude that has stopped any kind of progress on men's rights. If you're married, then what you earn is joint, what you put joint money into is joint, and only what is gifted to you and not put into joint assets is not joint, and what you owned before getting married is not joint. Got…
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/23 11:10 PM
1

There's stuff that they bought together that needs to be split down the middle.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/23 04:43 PM
2

Equitable distribution. If it's got both your names on it, or it was bought after marriage with joint funds, it goes in the "joint property" pool. If you had it before getting married and it doesn't have both your names on it, then it doesn't go in the pool and she can't have any of it. You get half of what's in that pool, however you decide "half" should turn out -- i.e. she gets the investment properties and you get the money or vice versa, or you get one investment property and she gets the o…
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/23 04:43 PM
2

To add to this, I'll say that it's important to actually feel what you feel and not try to skip feeling any of it. The fact of the matter is that you're going to feel grief, which will come with all of these emotions and not at the same time, and processing each and every one of them is critical to getting better. You are probably going to cry. You're not less of a man for crying. You are probably going to be uber pissed. Find a way to blow off the steam. Process that you're mad. You are going t…
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/23 03:07 PM
1

Can't say much for the emotional part. That's rough, buddy.. From a legal standpoint there's nothing you can do to stop it unless you can prove that the kid is in danger. Might check the conditions of alimony/spousal support though. Some of them have a condition that support ends if the spouse marries or cohabitates before the payment period is up.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/23 06:12 PM
1

Projection. You've assumed your experience is everybody's experience. Anybody who offers a different experience than yours must be an outlier in your mind. Anybody insisting "there are four lights" must be a liar, right?
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/23 12:05 AM
0

"Thousands" is still a minority when the number is in the millions.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/23 08:41 PM
3

Go bowling. Grab a buddy and make it a trash talking competition. Go bowling again. Make it a double date. Do a round of stupid bowling stuff like blindfolds, handcuffs and trick shots. I concur with u/dday_throwaway3 on the recommendation of No More Mr. Nice Guy. Because holy crap you are such a f$#@ing pushover letting your wife hook up with someone else and then come back to your apartment. Nope. Nope nope nope. So much nope. F$#@ off with this crap, she has literally betrayed you and now you…
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/23 04:09 PM
0

Reverse genders and I would have been effed Hypothetically. And your sample size is N=1. Yeah your case sucked. Most don't.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/23 05:32 AM
-1

List away! Most of them probably also apply to men.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/23 02:48 PM
1

If the lawyer says anything other than 'disclose it' I'll report them to the bar association.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/23 02:45 PM
0

It's also a bad idea if you're a woman, it's just that men have been too cucked to actually bother going after their stbx's hidden assets because they for some reason think their penises put them at a disadvantage.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/23 02:45 PM
3

What were you expecting me to reply? "LOL ALL MEN ARE LIKE THIS, BETTER GET KINKY AND ACCEPT ALL THE INCOMING STDS OR GET DUMPED!"? Eff off with this. You wouldn't put up with it in a wife, and poly stuff is rare and will pretty much always lead to resentment, cheating and then breaking up with return to monogamy (and then a repeating cycle). Power is opportunity to accomplish and ability to serve. I find fulfillment in my role as an active, involved husband to my wife and father to my children,…
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/23 04:30 AM
4

Break it off cold turkey. This is one of those stupid things where you don't want each other, but you can't let go. Relationship hoarders. Let. The F$#@. Go. She's mad you slept with someone else? Bah. Sure, she can be mad, but the sheer entitlement of it all, like she still owns you . . . that's just infuriating. She can be mad all she wants, but she doesn't have a right to it. Likewise you can be mad or troubled or whatever about her boinking this other dude (she totally is, by the way), but s…
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/23 03:44 PM
3

On the one hand, I recommend going to therapy about your religious sex hangups. Coming from a church that asks for strict abstinence outside of marriage and strict fidelity in marriage, I understand it can be tough going from "NEVER DO IT IT'S SUCH A DIRTY EVIL THING" to "do what you want with this person, no holds barred as long as you both agree." You probably won't become a porn star indulging his BDSM fantasies, but at the very least you can learn to enjoy sex and do more than "the starfish.…
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/23 03:38 PM
2

He doesn't understand that you don't have to buy the cow to get the milk for free.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/23 09:07 PM
1

Oh so you're talking about your specific case. Get out of here with your projection. Most of them are living in pretty modest areas; they could go cheaper, sure, but that would mean either taking the kids with them or saying goodbye to the kids -- either way, not feasible.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/23 09:06 PM
2

F$#@ out of here with that "penis penalty" thing. You fight for your share the same as if you had a vagina. Yeah maybe statistically women get it more often and in greater amounts than men -- but that's statistical and absolutely not to say you won't get a workable amount out of it.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/23 08:57 PM
3

What happens is whatever the judge orders. Can I just refuse to take a buy out and insist on selling it? Sure . . . but you can't stop her from bidding on it when you sell it. probably getting screwed big time financially even though she makes 4-5x what I make Get the f$#@ out of here with that attitude. If you ask for it, then she will probably owe you for a time and amount comparable to if your genitals had been swapped. Yes, on average women are awarded support more often and in greater amoun…
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/23 08:55 PM
8

"It's in the children's best interest to assume that fathers are potential abusers!" Ba-hee ba-hee ba-hee (clown horn noises)
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/23 02:55 PM
1

That's one opinion, and one that I disagree with. I do believe that CS should be terminated if both parents have 'sufficient' income -- that is, can take care of the child's needs without significant financial hardship -- but I don't believe that not making enough money should be a bar to exercising proper parenting time.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/23 02:51 PM
1

The data shows that single fathers have outcomes essentially equal to two family homes and mothers do not This is an example of what's called survivorship bias -- that is, the data is skewed because with the way things work, most of the data points that would otherwise be single fathers are excluded. That is, what the data actually shows is that if mom and dad both exist, and they're both garbage parents, they go to mom far more often than to dad, thus skewing the data. Data is not "truth." Ofte…
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/23 02:48 PM
1

Found the guy who cares more about money than parenting.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/23 02:19 PM
2

Response to ODVN: But think of all the crappy single mothers out there, who with their children end up in a multi-generational poverty cycle which would easily be broken by father's involvement. There's still redress against abusive fathers. Equal parenting presumption doesn't take any discretion away from the courts. What takes discretion away from the courts is "stay with mom" presumption. This will not prevent homes broken by domestic violence from getting relief; instead it will prevent mult…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/23 12:09 AM
5

50/50 means a lot even if CS isn't capped. The point isn't to take money away from the other parent, the point is that both parents should be equally and actively involved unless one of them either doesn't want to or is dangerous for the child. The point is that when you force one of the parents out of kids' lives they end up becoming multi-generational burdens on the welfare system.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/23 12:05 AM
8

I don't mean to blame the victim here as I look at this. It's not my intention to say any of this is Tommy's fault. As a victim of abuse myself, I know exactly what he's feeling, exactly why he's done what he's done, and as such, I know exactly what needs to snap in Tommy's head in order to make this all stop. Tommy needs to grow some balls. He needs immediately recognize that his ex is living in opposite land -- that is, if she's accusing him of something, it's because actually she's doing it. …
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/23 04:44 PM
1

Doubt that. He should post this over there too. The advice he gets will probably be different but he'll still get shocked reactions even from women.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/23 04:42 PM
19

"Every man in this room is just a job loss away from losing their woman. Michelle Obama be lookin' at Barack like "what's your plans, n*%$#?""
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/23 03:50 PM
1

Outcomes from single fathers vs mothers I wonder what conclusions you're drawing from those outcomes. It sounds like you're basically saying there's something about being a man that makes them unaffected by promiscuity. My conclusion is it's an artifact of how the courts and custody usually work, not anything to do with the difference between men and women. Specifically, the ONLY single dads out there, for the most part, are dads who are and have been actively involved in their kids lives, becau…
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/23 03:48 PM
21

together 7 Seven year itch. She doesn't find you attractive or interesting anymore, and that's all there is to it. Whether that's her fault or yours doesn't matter. Don't play "pick me." Just work on retaking control of your life and happiness. If she's worth it, the work you do on yourself will cause her to be attracted to you again; if she's not then good riddance to bad rubbish.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/23 10:17 PM
5

Depends on the fights and depends on what exactly is going on in your case. For divorce only? Yeah, nobody gives on single crap. She's wasting her time and likely only annoying the people involved. For custody? It matters if it demonstrates abuse.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/23 10:15 PM
2

LOL mediation. Don't treat mediation as a place to compromise. Give nothing. Decide what you want, hash out what you already agree on, and let the mediation stop there.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/23 04:34 PM
3

Worked for you. Works for many. But not all. One of the big keys is getting something that really fits. For some it might be shredding a guitar, or building a new bookshelf, or writing a story, or tinkering with home automation or whatever. Hitting the gym is a good place to start looking for something that fits, but if it doesn't work for somebody then there's nothing wrong with them -- they just need to find what works for them.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/23 04:33 PM
3

That's the neat part. You don't. And you can't expect her to tell the truth about it, either.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/23 06:02 PM
3

A mediator represents nobody, and their only goal is to get an agreement hashed out. A lawyer represents you, and their goal is to get whatever they think the best deal for you is. Turns out you can have both -- the lawyer helps you figure out what exactly you can expect and what the agreement should look like for you.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/23 06:02 PM
1

It applies to men, too. The fact that you were able to pair bond is but one single point in a sea of data, which is that men who sleep around a lot tend to want to keep sleeping around.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/23 05:57 PM
3

Depends on what you value. High body count can mean one of two things: 1) She likes casual hookups. This can mean while not in a relationship, which is fine, but could also mean serial cheating, which is not fine. 2) She goes from man to man like a monkey from branch to branch. This is not fine.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/23 05:56 PM
1

Maybe, maybe not . . . but it's not wrong, and it's extremely male-oriented.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/23 10:16 PM
7

To the brothers here who think they may be getting to the point of divorce but not wanting it, allow me to inject a bit of advice: Whatever you do, don't play the "pick me" dance. It is a game that is a literal no-win scenario. In the rare case it "works," it's very temporary and your relationship becomes "what grand gesture have you done for me lately?" and as soon as that becomes "not enough" in her mind, then she's gone and you've wasted all that time, effort and money. But most of the time i…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/23 10:13 PM
1

Step one: Retain a lawyer. Zero hints to your spouse that it's coming until the papers hit her. Step two: Grow your balls back. Keep your home but carve out a space in it that's yours. Put a keyed lock on the 'your space' door. Don't move out, don't give an inch. It's all just as much yours as hers, and giving it all away to pursue "peace" is only going to tell her that in order to get what she wants, all she has to do is disturb your peace. Step 3: Protect yourself. Get a recorder. Be on your b…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/23 09:40 PM
1

You most likely won't get the $8k back. You'll spend way more than that trying to get it. Sorry. Take the deal.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/23 08:17 PM
1

TBF that's what I'd use to describe modern feminism. In the 90's there was the element of bat-crap crazy but at least they had a reasonable point, and not "everything is sexist."
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/23 04:08 PM
1

That doesn't sound like a mediation at all. Mediators don't take sides, all they do is break up fights.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/23 04:05 PM
1

The Attic. It's about a family plagued by attic-dwelling something or other. Some kind of monsters that start by stealing stuff unnoticed, then replacing it later when the mom has realized it was stolen. Mom goes through theory after theory about who they are, how they're getting in, etc. and puts up protective measure after protective measure. They get more elusive and insidious. Now it's clothes and shoes. They're involved in human trafficking and they're after the kids. The family gets securi…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/23 04:03 PM
2

Nothing new . . . just amplification of the absolute psychotic BS that drove me to leave her.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/23 03:50 PM
3

that does nothing to shield my kids from her brainwashing and $#@! throwing. Nothing does. Know what the best thing to do about it is? ... It's nothing. Absolutely nothing. You go on being an S-tier dad for your kids, and all that attempted brainwashing is going to do for your ex is convince your kids that she's a bitter hag who never thinks of anyone but herself. You don't look weak. You look strong. She looks like the weak one. some days I just want to unload There's a way to do that. Write he…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/23 03:50 PM
1

daughter is now a breeding sow Misogynist detected.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/23 03:42 PM
1

I'm not simping. I'm just anti-black-pilling.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/23 03:21 PM
2

Lost the election because his own party wouldn't vote for him. Given that the standard in criminal court is "proof beyond reasonable doubt" prosecuting him probably would have been a waste of time.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/23 08:54 PM
3

I'm not an R either. I'm just observing the facts as I see them. The R's are just as corrupt as the D's; the only difference is that they actually get punished by their own party when they get caught, because the R's think it helps them look less corrupt.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/23 07:37 PM
4

Correction: There are consequences for getting details wrong if you're a Republican, but there are no consequences for lying under oath if you're a Democrat. And there's a difference between "lying" and "getting details wrong."
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/23 06:13 PM
3

One of my favorites: "Fathers are not second-class parents."
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/23 06:11 PM
7

My first tip: Get a pet. Something you like. Dogs can be high maintenance but they'll obliterate the loneliness. Cats can help deal with the loneliness better than most other things but they're highly independent and don't need nearly as much attention as a dog. Rabbits are super cute and easy to have (just feed them and dump the litter box) but aren't all that affectionate. Reptiles are similarly low maintenance, low affection, but they're really neat. When you've got something that you need to…
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/23 06:09 PM
4

I've developed the 'water resistance' of a duck's back. My ex is totally psychotic and was really good at saying juuuust the right thing to piss me off. And now she's just some rando NPC to me. (30's, 13 year marriage, divorced a year ago).
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/23 05:57 PM
1

Texas sucks. Arizona rocks.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/23 09:18 PM
1

12 year marriage. Wife went totally psychotic around year 9ish and committed DV which I reported (and which probably gave me an upper hand in the divorce as there was always the looming possibility that I play that card to the judge), then a separation and then another year where I took her back, then a final separation and year-long process getting the divorce. Been a year since the divorce and I'm newly remarried. Ex only got worse and now I have full custody of my kids as the Department of Ch…
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/23 09:04 PM
1

Go Pro Se. It's not all that complicated. The best thing that the lawyer really does for you is help you know what's reasonable, but that can be done through much cheaper consultations. Ask for something that no judge could consider unreasonable. If you've got nothing, first ask for supervised visitation. If you've got a solid history of making supervised visitation, ask for unsupervised. If you've got a solid history with visitation, ask for consistent overnights. If you've got things in the ri…
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/23 05:50 PM
2

I just refuse to correlate one bad woman and one bad situation to them all. Good man. The "red pill" people are offering you here is just black painted red. They're no different from the "divorced hens" they rant about. Keep fighting for your kids, and do so in a way that you don't personally show malice to their mother. My ex-wife tried to pull that alienation crap on my kids and all it has done is made my older two kids resent her (the youngest is too little to understand and the other young o…
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/23 05:17 PM
1

children are so expensive they are pretty much a luxury for the economic 1% They're so expensive that only poor people have them (because they're not paying for them).
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/23 05:08 PM
3

make her rational long enough to finalize a divorce It's not the rationality -- what you want is irrational fear that the judge is going to be unreasonable and not in her favor.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/23 04:56 PM
1

You're not being cynical. You're absolutely correct to be skeptical. My ex was toxic AF and tried to pull this stuff all the time. It was all a ruse to: pull me back into her circle of insanity guilt me into doing something for her get me to come back to her or take another opportunity to yell at me and tell me what a horrible person I am.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/23 11:02 PM
1

Dude, your soon-to-be-ex is psychotic. You should have multiple police reports by now. Press the damn charges! Send that bitch to jail!
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/23 10:19 PM
6

she's telling me that Rule number 1: never take legal advice from your ex or their lawyer. They may be right or wrong, but that's for your lawyer to advise you about -- if they're telling you something, it's for her gain and not your interests. Second thought: She's grasping at straws. She has nothing. As long as you're asking for 50/50 and are capable of actually taking care of them, no matter how imperfect, you'll get that 50/50. She told me that she would destroy me and didn't care how much i…
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/23 10:14 PM
3

it feels like she's taking me for a babysitter whenever it's convenient for her Stop letting her. Make her 'pay' for it in some way or another -- either just let her complaints about 'not having enough weekends' roll off your back and refuse to take them during her parenting time when it's inconvenient for you, or make her 'pay' for it by asking her to exchange it for her taking them during your time when it's convenient for you. Quit letting her walk all over you. dealing with constant screamin…
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/23 10:07 PM
0

Go back to r/theredpill.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/23 07:30 PM
3

Indeed. Likewise for women it's VERY hard to find a trustworthy husband. Most of the men here would like to think that they are such, but in truth they very well may not be -- and even if they are, they themselves are hard for a woman to find. Men are neither 'all the same' nor do they fall into whatever small handful of categories (i.e. jock, nerd, 'nice guy' etc.).
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/23 07:29 PM
2

So, if you were a woman, would you date the version of you that you were while you were still living with your parents? Especially with no sure sign that you would become the version of you that you are today? Maybe the woman is a wonderful woman. Maybe she's not. Maybe she needs the time to develop into that wonderful person. But you don't know the future, and the present of where she is now is flagging a lot of signs that it won't be good if you pursue her now. Just take your time. You've got …
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/23 07:27 PM
2

He may or may not have learned: how to establish and enforce boundaries, which he didn't the first time around how to assert his identity and independence, which he probably didn't the first time around How to screen women to weed out any with undesirable traits, instead of just latching to the first one that would stay with him, which is what happens with most first-timers. He's probably learned plenty -- and the fact that he's here asking about it is a sign he's not just jumping back in and ta…
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/23 05:18 PM
3

How long did you live with your parents after divorce? You eventually moved out, right? It was just long enough to get back on your feet?
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/23 04:29 PM
1

Women aren't heroin.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/23 04:25 PM
0

Sounds like a you problem.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/23 04:25 PM
1

Ignore these toxic MGTOWers/redpillers. They're only as "right" as you let them be. Yes, get yourself right before anything else, but don't cut yourself off forever just because a bunch of butthurt cowards tell you to.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/23 04:24 PM
1

Least I'm not a scared little sissy hiding from ALL WOMEN because ONE WOMAN hurt me.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/23 03:14 PM
2

Maybe. Depends on how much you already agree on stuff. The big thing is it locks down everything you agree on already so you can't argue about any of those things anymore, just on the things you don't agree on. Be careful with mediation. They go one subject/item at a time, and you can't really negotiate an exchange "I agree to this if you agree to this other thing" -- what often happens is that you'll get a "sure I'll agree to the other thing" in order to get you to agree to the one thing, and t…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/23 03:04 PM
1

Inheritance is separate property unless you commingle it with marital property -- i.e. what you spend on joint stuff (like dumping into the house, buying a car that is used by both of you, etc.) becomes marital property, but what sits in a separate account, gets put into investments separate from stuff your income goes into, etc. stays separate.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/23 02:57 PM
1

Just be a genuinely good dad. If you've still got 50/50 and your kid is old enough, he/she will figure out that Mom is full of crap when she's talking about you and it will only backfire. If your ex's new boyfriend is harassing you, get a restraining order. If he's calling the cops on you, then as long as you're being a decent parent, then good -- the cops show up and see there's nothing wrong. If he keeps doing it, the cops stop taking him seriously. Report his ass for making false reports. If …
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/23 02:38 PM
7

Establishing consistent rules and routines between households can help provide stability and structure for the children They can also be used as a proxy means for a manipulative ex-spouse to try and maintain control of their exes. You need to have firm boundaries about how this works, about what you will tolerate and just how far those rules can go. Guess what? Kids are resilient and flexible. They will figure out pretty quick that there is one set of rules at Mom's house and another at Dad's ho…
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/23 10:33 PM
1

The only 'why' is that those things still feel good. Odds are she'll want to have sex with you at some point, too. This is not at all uncommon.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/23 10:23 PM
1

Compelling enough reasoning to say you're scared shitless of her (i.e. she's hit you or broke something valuable of yours or she's threatened to do so), and enough evidence to prove why (i.e. a police report). From another comment from you: I came to my senses and realized that she could report me for DV any time That realization should motivate you to file for it first.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/23 03:12 PM
2

It's my wife who's the real hero here.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/23 03:03 PM
3

Why did things suck for women? They sucked for everybody, it's just women recognized it first and did something about it instead of just accepting that's the way things are. Being treated poorly in the workplace, harassed in sexual ways (happens to men just as often but nobody makes a stink about it!), unfair expectations in the home, etc. They successfully changed the culture to make it undesirable to be a jerk specifically to women (but not to be a jerk in general). picker The part of you that…
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/23 03:03 PM
0

So is it hypergamy when a man decides to ditch his wife? (It was certainly an 'upward' movement for me when I got a divorce from a woman who was dragging me down).
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/23 02:52 PM
1

Arizona.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/23 02:47 PM
2

Well, they voluntarily pick careers that pay less because they don't value the money as much as they value the "calling" of what they do (i.e. teaching, social work, nursing, etc.) It's not the money they're after (although I won't say they're not after money at all) -- it's the status of "look how caring of a person I am."
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 06:52 PM
1

Depends on where you're at. 4 kids, 50/50 (until recently; now I have full), was single-income home so there's spousal support included. Paid her $1k/mo total, will be down to $700 once custody order is final, and then $0 by the middle of next year.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 06:49 PM
1

Poor wording. What I mean is that they expect to be given constant reasons to stay, and when the reasons stop coming in then they go.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 06:48 PM
2

"Where have all the good men gone?"
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 06:46 PM
3

I married the one woman who I can maturely disagree with, with respect and zero criticism or name calling. Sorry, she's mine. You can't have her. Oh, she's also a perfect stepmom to my four kids, loves video games and has the same bizarre sense of humor and fun as me. It's not all women living in a different reality. It's that all people have their own reality; some of them are willing to accept that not everybody shares the same reality and that theirs isn't the one true objective one.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 06:46 PM
2

What's going on is that women figured out that things suck for them and worked hard to make things better specifically for women. Truth is, though, that things have always sucked in general, and in the fight for things to not suck for women, they blamed men for everything and poisoned the necessary fight for things to not suck for men. What happened with you is you snagged a narcissist -- and worse, your 'picker' is probably set to attract narcissists so you'll keep experiencing this over and ov…
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 06:39 PM
4

As did I.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 06:30 PM
2

Better translation -- "All of my friends smiled and nodded and didn't try to argue or correct me, therefore they agree with me."
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 05:51 PM
2

So, on her first birthday post separation, I got her something useful, something she'd care about. She'd been complaining that the computer I used to maintain was getting slow at everything, so I got her a new SSD (it was running on a crappy 5400RPM HDD that she didn't know how to defrag, so of course it was slow). She took it as a sign that we might get back together. Never again. No more gifts.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 05:49 PM
2

It's not necessarily hypergamy. They may simply see themselves as being better off all by themselves, i.e. "be happy like all the other divorced hens in my neighborhood." (who aren't really happy, but derive pleasure from making everyone else as miserable as they are). Women will look for a reason to stay, and when the answer is 'not enough' then they go. Men wait for a reason to go to slap them in the face so hard that they can't ignore it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 05:46 PM
7

At this point I think it would be best for everyone if you split up, especially for the kids. Hopefully you and your wife should be fine as co-parents.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 03:24 PM
5

There's something simple to it. Men are ok with the status quo. They'll stay as long as it's not actively killing them. They personify the sunk cost fallacy. Women always see greener grass.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 02:51 PM
3

Depends on where you are, but in most places CS doesn't come anywhere close to the actual expense of taking care of kids.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 02:48 PM
13

Do you feel like you're setting a good example of what a relationship should look like for your kids? Do you want them to see you arguing all the time and think that's just what marriage looks like? I think your wife would be happier without you too. past that I thought I had forgiven her for you mean what you should have divorced her for, but thought you'd somehow be more noble if you stuck it out?
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 02:47 PM
1

Advice: Turn off the notifications; instead have a single alarm set on your phone to check OFW messages. Parse the messages carefully with a mental filter. Anything that isn't directly actionable who/what/when/where places you need to be or things you need to do (i.e. pick up kid at this place and time or make sure kid has $20 to go on field trip), just ignore. Don't immediately reply as soon as you see the messages. After parsing for what you actually need to respond to, consider carefully how …
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 02:44 PM
1

The general advice here has strayed from the purpose of the sub and its founding. It has been taken over by a bunch of toxic red-pill lurkers. What the sub says on the right -- "What this sub is not: Anti-women, Anti-marriage" we've got a handful of folks who are very anti-women and anti-marriage. Fortunately it's not everybody here and there's still plenty of good advice to be had.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 02:32 PM
2

No. We have always had a great community that emphasizes family values and encourages people to stay together. What drove us apart is she had a mental illness that she refused to acknowledge, that got worse and worse until she became a total psychopath. But I have heard that divorce is a social contagion.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/23 09:31 PM
2

It's not even ethnic people in general. It's literally everybody but "white" Americans. (I wouldn't even call them a 'race' -- it's a farce, as it's conglomerating several groups more distinct from each other than other groups considered as multiple races, all with homeland values that vary drastically from each other). I've had some hilarious conversations with Europeans that demonstrate their absolute lack of self-awareness. Want one of those hilarious conversations? Ask them how they feel abo…
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/23 09:28 PM
1

You don't want a relationship with someone who blows up on you when you try to sincerely apologize.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/23 09:22 PM
3

It was never really on the rails. It is useful sometimes. But most of anything "red pill" is actually a black pill painted red. I'm not saying it's totally invalid or useless or that it's necessarily worse than the 'blue pill' world view. Mostly just saying that everything is a model, and all models are wrong, some of them are useful.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/23 09:19 PM
2

She'd probably blow her top if she ever watched Avenue Q. There's this song "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist" and even the one guy's Vietnamese wife joins in and sings about the ways she's racist and it's hilarious.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/23 05:41 PM
1

I just blocked my ex on everything. I wasn't posting much in the first place.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/23 03:49 PM
1

There's a ton of baggage to work through on your part. Having sex with my wife now is a lot different from how it was with my ex-wife and it took some effort to figure it out.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/23 03:46 PM
10

She doesn't get half the equity. She gets only half of the difference in equity between now and the time you got married. See if you can calculate a good estimate of what your home was worth at the time you got married and find mortgage statements to be able to calculate how much equity is solely yours. This sounds like it's going to get contentious. Get your own lawyer, don't share one with her.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/23 03:43 PM
2

Hey man, I've been there with the abusive wife and everything. filed a police report for assault Good. Gives you the upper hand for a lot of things. It meant my ex-wife didn't dare push for anything more than 50/50 because she knew I could leverage it against her to go for full custody for myself. Haven't filed a restraining order The judge might have ordered no contact as a condition of release but there are no negative consequences to you or your toddlers for doing so -- only negative conseque…
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/23 03:39 PM
3

I stay fit, have friends, go to therapy, try to maintain a positive outlook But do you find some level of fulfillment in these things? I know a lot of people mention these things in particular and I suppose they're lucky to find fulfillment in them. But maybe you need something else. A pet perhaps? The right hobby? (Woodworking, electronics tinkering, music, art, gardening, cooking, outdoorsmanship?) Or maybe need the right cathartic outlet? (Journaling, dating, punching bag, video game, ??? I p…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/23 03:37 PM
1

Typically at 18 there's no more child support; anything paid for support of the child is entirely voluntary. In some states it starts tapering off after 12 years old, i.e. a 13 year old is 20% reduced from a 12 year old and a 17 year old is 80% reduced from a 12 year old. But that varies by jurisdiction.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/23 09:40 PM
1

Non-binary two-spirit otherkin. Attack helicopter.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/23 08:40 PM
1

I had not just a woman, but a black woman as my attorney. She was great. First thing as soon as we get the initial draft stuff out of the way, she was like "dude, you're offering her waaaay too much. You gotta think about yourself and your own expenses. Look, my last client was makin basically same as you and his ex was just like yours and this is what we ended up payin." I think she had my then-soon-to-be-ex figured out. My ex thinks she's the smartest person to ever smart their way into smarti…
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/23 08:38 PM
1

Having kids around isn't cheap. It costs me somewhere around $400 per month in extra expenses to have my kids around, and that's basically what it costs my ex too. Incidentally that's somewhere around what I pay in child support. (Well, not for much longer -- custody it do be a changing). You don't owe her extra money to pay for childcare. She can ask for it, and it may be in your parenting plan that you are supposed to pay some fraction of such 'shared' expenses. No, child support should not be…
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/23 08:30 PM
2

the custody crap. Daughter is 20 and son is 15 LOL at that age the court basically says 'kids go wherever the F they want and at 20 there's not even child support involved.' As for everything else . . . her threats are a Chihuahua barking. Yeah it'll bite your ankle and scare the crap out of you if you let it, but her 'terms' are completely unreasonable and there's no f$#@ing way getting out of their would obligate you to anything more than a fraction of what she's asking. I divorced someone not…
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/23 06:09 PM
4

I get on the call from my lawyer and he basically says, well, mom's eventually going to get 50-50 custody so you might as well arrange for that now. No. Time to get a new lawyer. Mom walked off for over half a year. Best she gets is visitation, maybe every other weekend until she demonstrates she can be there full time for the kid. I see STBX's lawyer saying I need to find a better job Rule number one: Never take legal advice from your ex or their lawyer. My lawyer has essentially affirmed this …
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/23 06:03 PM
1

She has said that I will need to pay this since I'm the one that left her Errrrt, wrong. She needs to pay it since she asked for the solicitor. Whilst they're keen for it to be an amicable divorce, the solicitors note that they are acting on her behalf and suggest seeking independent advice That's a good lawyer right there. And they're right. Maybe you don't want to retain a solicitor to argue on your behalf, but it's definitely a good idea to consult with one to make sure that the deal is also …
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/23 05:55 PM
4

That is correct. It's also why it seems like women get over the divorce so much faster than their husbands -- they may have filed as part of the 'Bargaining' phase, i.e. threatening divorce as trying to manipulate the husband to change, then following through on the threat. Or they may go through with it in the Anger phase, but either way they're a step ahead. I think this may also be why men are less likely to file -- they may not bother filing until the Acceptance phase; before then they may n…
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/23 04:50 PM
3

The spouse shouldn't be able to run up debt or take out a loan after filing for divorce. The initial filing creates an injunction against doing such and all credit should be frozen. If she manages to do it anyway, then it will be clawed back (i.e. considered only her debt and the value thereof counted against division of assets, i.e. as something she's already taken from her share).
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/23 05:50 PM
1

Depends on the state. CS is usually calculated based on whatever you declare. In a lot of states, alimony isn't calculated, period -- it's arbitrary, often based on the two of you submitting income and expense reports and getting it assigned based on how much is needed to cover a shortfall.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/23 05:47 PM
3

This is common. You're not alone. I felt a lot of those same emotions and some of the same thoughts after ending a 13 year marriage (to someone who completely lost her mind, and that's not figurative). Yeah people on this forum bring up hanging with old buddies and hitting the gym but I think they miss the fundamental thing you need: You need a good way to express yourself and your emotions. Granted, a lot of men can do that appropriately at the gym, processing their anger in every strike agains…
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/23 05:46 PM
2

Yeah, no reason the judge would say no to this. Generally if both parties sign off on something the judge will almost always sign off on it too.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/23 08:52 PM
2

I should have kept my mouth shut when my then-stbx was basically having me take the kids full time. The first time it happened, I told her over the phone in discussions about divorce terms that I wanted the papers to reflect the reality of the situation -- that if I had them full time, then the papers should show me as having them full time. She freaked out wanting it both ways -- she wanted to 'have them on paper' and receive child support, but not to actually have to take care of them half the…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/23 06:36 PM
4

After divorce I: got the first pet I've had since getting married in the first place. Wanted one for so long, ex-wife never let me have one. Finally got up-to-date gaming hardware. Ex-wife hated that I played video games and I had to sneak around about doing it. Now I can do it openly. Put up pictures. Ex-wife was a total bitch perfectionist and would never let me hear the end of how whatever I hung up was just a little bit crooked or not aligned absolutely perfectly or not lined up with the oth…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/23 06:26 PM
1

Sounds like a crappy convergence of mid-life crises. She's going through the 'must solve all of everyone's problems' and 'I don't have the time or energy to do anything anymore' crises at the same time and hoping that you'll be able to fix that. Meanwhile you're going through the idiotic FOMO mid-life crisis that every man goes through and often leads them to do idiotic stuff like an unneeded remodel, buying a 'project' car or other stupid stuff. Both of your feelings are temporary.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/23 06:17 PM
2

If you're in agreement and you've both signed, a judge isn't going to refuse to sign. There's something in it for her, she's not clearly doing it under duress, etc. You're clear and you got a fantastic deal.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/23 06:07 PM
1

I'd suggest going to the local animal shelter and picking out a dog or a cat. Something you can really vibe with, that you have to take care of. Really breaks up the loneliness and gives you a reason to get off your fat ass and do something, because what you do isn't just for yourself. Gym works for some people. Hobby works for some people, i.e. hiking, photography, carpentry, etc. Playing music i.e. getting a guitar, keyboard, drums, etc. can help you really explore your feelings. Get involved …
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/23 03:12 PM
1

I blocked her the second I moved out. Tried to keep it zero contact except for what was necessary -- exchange of kids and arrangement of stuff for divorce. (She wanted to stay in my life as much as possible and kept trying to arrange for us to do stuff together, plus she was always harassing the crap out of me, telling me how bad of a person I was for leaving her [lol she was an abuser like Amber Heard, I had to get out to save my sanity] and waking me up in the middle of the night to check on t…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/23 03:03 PM
1

LOL put a space between Divorce and Interesting. Oh, and between datingoverforty and it's.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/23 02:57 PM
1

That's correct. LOL I got downvoted for saying it but with what I'm paying my ex-wife she still had to get bailed out by her dad in order to afford her house and she still whines about how she can't afford anything even with her job. She'd have been making way more money if she hadn't gotten married.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/23 02:52 PM
1

The solution should be the reverse. Divorce is already actually hard, and except in rare cases (i.e. the man was super wealthy, wealthy enough that he'll still be fine after property division and the woman is set for life) the divorce itself is already a huge penalty. I'd rather not demand that someone must have an exit affair or beat up their spouse in order to make a divorce possible, nor should divorce mean that the lower earning / stay-at-home spouse should go on government welfare (re: "no …
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/23 02:50 PM
-2

Depends on location. In many jurisdictions the typical amount of child and spousal support isn't enough to live off of and child support isn't enough to actually pay all the child's expenses.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/23 04:55 PM
2

This information is "technically correct," but actually has causality backwards. The crank up in divorce rate precedes the passage of no-fault divorce laws by a few years. No-fault was created to simplify the process in order to stop them from clogging up the courts with BS accusations because they were already going nuts with divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/23 04:54 PM
3

I went through something similar, seizures while I was still with my now-ex. First, get the f$#@ out of that situation. Second, get professional help. This might be a doctor prescribing something for anxiety or a therapist helping you figure out how to control and direct your thoughts. There's no 'natural' healing that's in any way better than assisted healing. Doctors and therapists don't cure you -- they simply give you the tools to enable you to heal yourself, with minimum lingering effects/s…
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/23 10:39 PM
7

Ask those friends and neighbors if they're concerned and get the CPS reports going. There's no graceful way to handle this. Don't call her out on social media. It won't look good for you.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/23 08:52 PM
-10

That's not what OP is referencing. The OP is actually calling me out, claiming (without evidence or any kind of valid reasoning) that I'm a woman pretending to be a man because I deduced the reason he was banned from r/divorce is because he's an actual misogynist and racist and flaunts it openly.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/23 08:49 PM
13

What a whiner. This guy is referring specifically to me, not a 'lady pretending to be a man' but a guy who had an abusive wife, divorced her with less than the expected financial impact and is now battling for full custody of his kids because his wife is nucking futs. You can check my post history on that, going back for about 2 years before stopping the concealment and openly revealing my gender. For the first while I tried to 'openly conceal' my gender, informing everyone that it was concealed…
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/23 08:45 PM
1

LOL you can go ahead and look at my comments; I said nothing of the sort, while you've said exactly what I've claimed.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/23 07:15 PM
3

Being a truck driver is going to make it hard, but some changes I'd suggest: Get off the long-distance crew. That's where most of your problems are coming from. Not much you can do without getting off of that. Quit the jerking off and smoking and get the f$#@ off of Netflix and YouTube. That's a big part of the problem. Addictive or compulsive 'boredom' behavior. Consider getting your ass in to a doctor and get an antidepressant if it's that bad. (Not necessarily saying those things are necessar…
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/23 03:59 PM
14

Excellent! I'm in the process of getting custody myself. Got an emergency order after the Department of Child Safety checked out my ex's house and were like "nope." Basically they said "get emergency custody of your kids, or we will take custody and you'll just get placement." My ex is having none of it. Supervised a visit the other day and she spent the whole time trying to talk bad about me and manipulate our younger daughter. Recorded the whole thing. Reminded me of Monsters Inc, the part whe…
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/23 03:49 PM
1

It was a few years I was in that range, not the whole time. It gradually went up. Actually started from pretty much minimum wage; she had a career for the first year which she gave up when she had our first baby and I was still in school. Gradually went from ~$60k to $100k between raises, career moves and financial moves. She worked for roughly the first year of the marriage and then zero after that.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/23 03:44 PM
1

Arizona's policy on alimony is "whatever the F the judge decides" and is typically less than what you would pay anywhere else. There's a 'hard' limit of "no more than what it takes to cover the lesser-earning one's shortfall -- and if paying that would cause the greater-earning one to have a shortfall, then the shortfall is split" for the amount, a presumption of how much the lesser earner could be making, and a timeframe usually limited to 'however long it takes to get the lesser-earning spouse…
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/23 02:59 AM
0

Is it useful? Yes. There's a lot that society conditions you to believe that's absolute garbage, and this book can help you see past that. Is it also pseudo-intellectual, thinly veiled sexist toxic garbage? It can be if you take it as anything close to gospel. The one I'd consider essential reading for anybody, though, is No More Mr. Nice Guy. The book breaks down what you may have been secretly taught by society -- that things run on 'covert contracts' and that doing a favor for someone obligat…
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/23 08:47 PM
1

It can help. So can a cat. Which one's better is just a matter of preference and personality. Ended up with multiples of both and they're great. Love that I come home to dogs jumping on me so excited to see daddy, and then have some lovey purry kitties in my home office. I don't feel like I'm so f#@ing alone all the time.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/23 08:42 PM
1

So it's seriously "give me a baby or get out of my life forever?" I'd actually test her on that. Look into ways you can covertly do birth control for yourself while pretending you're still trying. Yeah I'm evil for suggesting it, but you need to push back.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/23 06:55 PM
0

Hilarious. My ex, coming up on a year after the divorce has been final, hasn't even been on a date and I'm already remarried. (Then again, my ex is crazy. As in, "there are ninjas living in my attic and they steal stuff from me" crazy.)
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/23 06:39 PM
1

LOL if I were in your situation I wouldn't have even divorced. Heck, I know some ex-family members (that is, my ex-wife's family) who went through exactly that -- Mormon church and everything -- and are still happy together.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/23 06:37 PM
3

Were you subscribed to r/theredpill by chance? I figured they ban anybody subscribed there immediately because that place is toxic AF. I believe myself to have taken the red pill . . . and the folks there to have taken a black pill painted red.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/23 06:29 PM
3

Right, because anyone who doesn't think women should stay in their 20's forever, who doesn't think Joe Biden is the worst president in history, who trusts black people to not steal everything not nailed down, etc. must be a simp, right? These are all examples from this guy's comments.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/23 06:22 PM
1

Depends on the state. I make like 3x my ex and pay less than $400 (I have 50/50).
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/23 05:11 PM
1

Yeah, it's going to feel unfair, but it's not in your control when she plays favorites. She probably feels like you play favorites at times too.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/23 05:11 PM
1

one receiving child support that makes you the primary parent No it does not, not in the eyes of any court. All child support is about is equalizing the financial burden of raising the kids between the two parents. Children cost basically the same amount of money regardless of how much money you make, and child support just makes it so that the poorer parent isn't getting hammered by the expenses of raising the child while the richer one glides by.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/23 05:10 PM
1

Rise above the pettiness. Yeah it's annoying that you're a better parent in every way you can see. It's annoying that she's a total flake who isn't keeping her commitments. So frickin what. The kids will be fine without a non-disposable water bottle. The kids are fine with cheap clothes -- I actually look at clearance and at Goodwill now because they're not going to fit the clothes long enough for the 'new' ones to be properly worn out anyway. I'd have to know what state you're in in order to gi…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/23 05:07 PM
7

I saw why . . . dude, you're pretty toxic. No issue with your politics and I largely agree, but dude, you're pretty toxic.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/23 04:56 PM
2

That's fair. I went on dates with a number of women before meeting my second wife. I was convinced that I was broken and that the 'magic' didn't really exist anymore. And then I met my second wife. It was what it was. It wasn't 'put in effort' -- we had genuine desire and we wanted to put in the effort. And it still feels amazing to just hang out and just be mom and dad together. The desire comes first and drives the effort. I'm just saying, if the prospect of getting a second date with the pers…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/23 03:44 PM
2

She hasn't filed because she's looking to either establish you as an abuser if you break the TRO, or as abandoning the child if you follow the TRO.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/23 07:32 PM
2

I don't know any cool places to go anymore Look up your local radio station's website. They'll have lists of neat events and whatnot and possibly coupons or discounted tickets or other things. how dates really work these days For the first date, arrange to meet at the location at a certain time. Neither of you should know where the other lives yet. The event or place itself should lead you into conversation pretty naturally. Just ask her open-ended questions that let her really express herself, …
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/23 07:31 PM
2

They won't bother checking. You've both signed off and there's something for her.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/23 03:52 PM
1

In Arizona, mediation is required before it can go before a judge for arbitration. The basic process of mediation is to nail down what can be agreed upon and make sure everything is accounted for. The mediator doesn't actually do anything or help you reach a compromise. The mediator doesn't make sure any individual piece of it is fair or that the whole thing is fair. Not the mediator's job. All the mediator's job is, is to go through the list of all your stuff, listen to your proposals on each i…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/23 08:58 PM
1

You really can't sell the house or borrow for a new house until the divorce is final. Credit is frozen until then.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/23 03:35 PM
3

Second this advice. Amazing sex is no substitute for an amazing relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/23 03:32 PM
1

will mediators count the 30k value difference or split it to 15k Mediators won't do anything. All they do is go through the checklist of stuff to make sure it's all covered, and stop you from fighting. You can each keep your cars as is with no additional consideration about them, or you can consider the difference in value and tally it up in another way. It's up to you. split the equity [...] can they insert a clause stating that if I sell the house in the future she can claim half the proceeds …
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/23 02:35 PM
3

Let's see... feel like I am failing Yeah, you're experiencing 'dad guilt' (the male equivalent of 'mom guilt') -- that feeling that you've failed when your kids don't have amazing packed lunches every day, have playdates with friends every other day or have the house clean, or when you feel like you've lost your patience and had to yell or threaten to spank in order to get your kids to do something. I went through that too. In order to get better I had to open up to people and stop hiding the fa…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/23 05:22 PM
2

A judge wouldn't get involved and say 'how much u got?'
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/23 04:45 PM
2

The only times when the judge says 'no' to an agreement are when it's wildly unfair, i.e. "I get everything and you get nothing." Yours is clearly not that case.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/23 04:13 PM
2

If you can agree to it and it doesn't look like total and complete BS (i.e. "I get everything and you get absolutely nothing") then once it's signed, sealed and delivered then that's it. She can't come after you for more money. Judges don't interfere with signed agreements unless it's obvious stuff was done under duress (i.e. zero consideration for one party). She might be able to come back and beg for custody if she's not relinquishing parental rights though, but it'll be an uphill battle for h…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/23 04:13 PM
1

Dude, if that's your attitude, then divorce her right now and stay a bachelor forever.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/23 04:09 PM
1

I'm a dude. I have 4 kids. Managed to score a nigh-perfect woman. Kids don't get in the way when you like the person enough.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/23 09:16 PM
1

They're counted as joint property. Doesn't mean that they have to be divided evenly, but rather that the sum total of your joint property should be divided equitably -- meaning if you're getting all the dogs then she should get something as consideration for the dogs.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/23 03:39 PM
3

Then buck up and tell her no. "No, I'm sorry but I don't have it in me to give you every last second of my time and attention. I wish I did, but if you take it all for you and leave none for me, then there'll be none of me left for you to actually enjoy." Find her a friend. Preferably one that's happily married, not a divorced hen who'll be whispering all the 'this is what you should be getting' and the like in her ear. She needs one. She needs stuff to do that isn't tied up with you.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/23 09:27 PM
9

Listen a little harder. The issue isn't actually the amount of time you spend with her. It's about how special the time together feels. Here's what to do to fix it. When she asks for more time together, you get out your calendar and you carve out a specific time that can't be cancelled or interrupted or changed. And then you plan. Don't just hang out at home. Find something outside your home that would be fun to do, that isn't part of any routine. Maybe find a good restaurant within your budget,…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/23 06:22 PM
11

You've almost got that exactly right. The issue isn't the video games, or the actual amount of time you spend with her. The issue is how she feels about the time you spend together. She needs to feel like at least some of that time together is carved out, planned and made special. Not just "oh we're together." Planned in advance, carved out in a schedule where nothing can interrupt, doing something that isn't just part of the routine. Make it special.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/23 06:16 PM
3

keep being a good husband "Being a good husband" means taking the lead where it matters, and not letting your wife dictate stuff about how you do things. Command respect by doing things worth respecting, don't demand it by doing "what you're told" and then whining about how you don't get any. Take control; do things the way you think they should be done, and let others follow your lead (and don't demand a particular way). Being a good husband is being a good leader. A good leader doesn't sit bac…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/23 06:13 PM
1

She'll get about 50k in assets if you've got 100k. Half the house, half of whatever your retirement accounts gained since getting married. There's a calculator for child support right here. You'll give exactly that, no more, no less. Spousal support is totally discretionary in AZ. (I know, that's where I got divorced). You can put your heads together and come up with an amount, or you can both submit your financial information and butt heads about what's necessary and what's total BS that can be…
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/23 11:23 PM
3

It's fantasy land to think they're going to deny her any custody. You'll have an easy argument for primary custody based on the fact that you've been the 'caregiver' parent, but it'll be 70/30 at best. If that's who your STBX really is -- get the fun but not the actual caregiving -- then your daughter will find that out at some point. Basically what you have to offer is what she already has, right?
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/23 05:53 PM
2

So, what's your case for full custody? Everything hinges on that. Unless your kid's mom is really bad for her then letting her have the choice will be necessary for you to maintain a good relationship with her -- as long as you have consistent, continuing contact with her. Maybe she gets her own phone and calls you at least twice a week. If her mom is abusive, then that's another story. If her mom is toxic AF and just a crappy mom, then there's a decent shot she'll be asking to go back to you to…
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/23 04:15 PM
1

He's in Utah. He needs to get a Bulldog From Hell lawyer if he wants jack squat out of this. Utah has some of the most anti-father laws and policies out there.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/23 09:48 PM
1

You're in Utah. Oof, one of the worst states for men's rights. I know, I used to live there. I've since moved to Arizona, one of the best states for men's rights, and it's just right across the border! Yep, Utah is a 'community property' state. Everything that he's gained since being married, she owns 50% of. This means that either she has to be able to buy him out of the house (that is, pay him 50% of the difference between the mortgage and the value of the home) and still be able to make payme…
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/23 09:46 PM
2

My ex-wife threatened to do that. Funny thing is she actually has a domestic violence charge against her . . . and I'm quick to record stuff.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/23 09:41 PM
11

Requests to drop the restraining order (which I filed after she showed up on my doorstep multiple times unannounced). Bah. No deal. Keep paying for babysitting (I'm remarried and my new wife is a child care professional). No. If you need babysitting, use my wife.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/23 09:37 PM
3

Just stop taking calls from her. You don't have to take calls from her, so don't do it. My mental health got a MAJOR boost when I realized the above fact and advice.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/23 09:35 PM
2

I've decent interest in sex. My wife actually has a higher drive than me and that helps a lot, but sometimes I have the same issue. Difficult to get/keep it up at night. (no issues in the morning though -- if I'm not still asleep then I'm good to go). Pretty sure my testosterone levels are ridiculously low and I need to get them taken care of. My wife doesn't seem to mind, though -- I'm apparently really good at everything else that can be done.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/23 05:20 PM
0

They will say one thing and do something different TBF that's also true of men.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/23 07:55 PM
1

I know that I've not left my wife because I want to be with this other woman Uh, yes you have. Meeting the other woman was the catalyst and everything since then has been post-hoc reasoning.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/23 05:23 PM
2

I know that I've not left my wife because I want to be with this other woman Uh, yes you have. Meeting the other woman was the catalyst and everything since then has been post-hoc reasoning.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/23 05:22 PM
2

Which is why you have to get her to sign ASAP.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/23 03:51 PM
0

Wow . . . yeah if she's wanting a divorce and is willing to just walk away from everything including custody and any equity or anything, then sign off on it before she comes to her senses and realizes there's a lot of money she could extract from you. She's got a "Mr. Wonderful" in her life now that isn't you, and she just wants to be with him and wants to be with him right now more than anything. Take advantage of that. Yeah, yeah, go through the shock of processing all of that but wait until t…
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/23 03:50 PM
1

Dude . . . of marriages before age 25, MOST of them end up in divorce. It's the single biggest factor predicting divorce. You're in your 20's. You're young. If you want a relationship, there's still plenty of time and plenty of youth. Heck, I'm in my 30's and just got married again. You . . . you need therapy. You've been through some complex traumatizing crap and you need to work through it. You need to figure out how to be okay just by yourself before you can even think about attaching to anyb…
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/23 12:40 AM
1

alimony Alimony is purely non-standard and entirely at the discretion of judges. In many jurisdictions it's supposedly restricted to "no more than the shortfall in the lesser-earning spouse's reasonable budget" but that's a metric buttload of discretion in calculating anything of that nature. filing taxes married/jointly for 2022 That's usually a legal requirement if your finances were entangled. I was separated from my ex for all of 2022, divorce finalized in April, and yet am legally required …
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/23 11:07 PM
2

On the other hand, the emotional dysregulation of BPD can look like ADHD and treatment like it's ADHD will only make it worse -- like what we're seeing here. At least with ADHD if it's treated properly they become pretty functional.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/23 10:15 PM
5

At that length, and with your assets, you likely won't owe jack squat. I mean literal zero. The worst you could possibly be hit with in AZ would be a few months of spousal support adding up to no more than what it will cost her to rent an apartment until she can find a minimum wage job. There's nothing to even fight for.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/23 10:11 PM
1

No, she shouldn't get equal equity. She should only get what equity was gained during the marriage -- i.e. grab the original loan statement and the statement just after you were married, as well as valuation estimates for what it was worth when you got married. Use that to calculate how much of it is yours entirely separate from what's joint/hers.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/23 08:01 PM
4

For kids: Custody share This unfortunately is 100% dependent on where you are. Some jurisdictions have 50/50 as the default and it's an uphill battle for anyone who wants more than that (i.e. either the other parent has to willingly give up 50/50 or they have to prove the other parent is a danger to the child). Arizona is one such state where 50/50 is default. Other jurisdictions say the kids get majority residency with whoever the 'primary caretaker' has been, and that's usually ruled to be the…
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/23 07:51 PM
1

At the same time, don't get upset if things slide for a day or two, because frankly sometimes you're just too tired to do it, and forcing yourself to do it right now will only burnout and resentment.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/23 06:09 PM
-1

Note: even after getting married, you're still responsible for your own happiness and everything that happens inside your place. If you continue cleaning up, doing dishes, decorating, etc. at least as much as you want done, then that's a heck of a lot of marital happiness that won't go out the window. Heck, not being responsible for your own happiness and just being disappointed and upset with your partner when stuff didn't get done to your liking is probably one of the major factors in why the …
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/23 06:07 PM
5

You're a frickin scaredy-cat if you are divorcing out of fear of what will happen if you divorce in the future. Stop being a wiener.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/23 06:03 PM
2

"What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?" "One's a bottom-dwelling scum sucker, and the other one is a fish."
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/23 06:02 PM
1

There's a lot in your tone that isn't great, but I will offer my good-faith advice nonetheless. Hold on to your daughter until you can successfully contact your ex-wife. Take good care of her the whole time -- keep her going to school and whatever other routines and other stuff she has, make sure she's got laundry and food and everything else. Be the full-time dad now until your ex is done with her hissy fit, and be prepared to accept that the hissy fit is forever and you will have sole custody.…
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/23 04:39 PM
1

Nah. Asexuality can work for people. Being a genuinely crazy person is a much bigger turn-off than getting zero sex.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/23 04:34 PM
5

It's "send a telegram if you have to" that you should be reading. Given that telegrams are a completely outdated means of communication, used by almost exactly nobody anymore, his use of the term implies a desperate last-ditch attempt at communication after everything else has failed -- "do what it takes to contact her."
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/23 04:33 PM
1

My experience is that the biggest complainers either have really bad "pickers" (and thus would have really bad sampling bias) or are themselves the problem.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/23 03:35 PM
2

The only good way to go for primary custody is if your wife is a genuinely bad parent -- not just "doesn't run a tight ship" but "the kids will be damaged if they stay there."
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/23 04:26 PM
3

No. And neither will her agreeing in writing not to receive any spousal support in the future. What "protects" you from future spousal support is for your wife to have a job that is enough to pay all her bills and then some.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/23 04:23 PM
2

I'mma leave this comic here... https://www.reddit.com/r/agedlikemilk/comments/mdbxhq/poor_robber_if_only_he_knew/
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/23 04:20 PM
1

90% of them So . . . "All but I'll allow for specific individual exceptions."
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/23 04:04 PM
1

If you guys are getting hurt by woman after woman after woman, the problem isn't all women -- the problem is that your people/relationship picker sucks. Learn how to pick a good woman. It's probably not the one that your wiener picks for you like the last few.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/23 04:19 AM
1

You can fix yourself without getting a divorce. Sounds like she's pretty bad and needs some fixing herself. I usually only recommend divorce when the other person is absolutely the problem. My first recommendation would be to stop walking on eggshells and just do what you want (within reasonable limitations, i.e. no cheating and no blowing up all your finances) and let her be mad about it. If you can do that and live with the blow-ups, then that's one step closer to happiness. If you can't live …
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/23 07:39 PM
1

I don't trust categories. I trust individuals, and the trust is earned by degrees. I wasn't hurt by all women, I was hurt by one woman.
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/23 04:46 PM
1

Yeah that sounds like he puts her over you. This isn't normal at all. I wouldn't put up with it if I were you.
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/23 11:51 PM
2

Well is that how he sees it? Not all men see it the same way. Some men -- particularly the kind that troll this forum -- have a philosophy of "Hell yes or GTFO" and will leave a relationship, however amicably, the second they feel like it's not perfect and will move on looking for 'perfect.' Of those, some may hold on and stay 'friends' with those they've left.
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/23 11:22 PM
5

I have my ex blocked in as many ways as legally possible. At first I tried to be 'helpful' in whatever ways my ex needed, but when it turned out that every single time it was always just an attempt to suck me back in, and every time I refused to be sucked in it was a new round of text-walls of hate spewing from her, I just had to cut her off. Nothing but specific business -- the who, what, when and where (and not the why). I'm the type of person who, if I could maintain such an emotional connect…
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/23 09:38 PM
2

It's Wednesday night, the kids are in bed, you have 2-3 hours of free time, what are you and the wife doing? Video games. Checking out r/AmITheAsshole and judging anonymous strangers together. Watching stuff that makes us laugh so hard I pass out and she pees her pants. Humping each other's brains out in between (5-10 minutes). Philosophizing. Singing. Discussing stuff that's coming up. Making plans.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/23 10:17 PM
1

That's some awfully sucky time. No wonder no matter how much of that you give, she wants more -- because it's unsatisfying but she doesn't know how to ask for the kind of time that satisfies her. It's like a bag of crappy potato chips. You know they suck but you keep eating them hoping that they'll somehow make you feel full enough. Get a f$#@ing lasagna or other food that's going to satisfy. In like manner, go on a frickin date that isn't just fast food/casual food and a movie. Something that i…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/23 10:12 PM
2

This I think is the big thing I see when men and women merge their lives through cohabitation and marriage. They were attracted to each other while they were dating, but now that they're merged the dating stuff kinda just . . . stops. They're just globbed on to each other. All the stuff that attracted them to each other is now gone. The key is once you've merged your lives, to keep being the people that you were while you were dating, and that includes the habits. Have your friends and boys' and…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/23 10:05 PM
3

Depends on the state, but I'll use mine as an example. My state allows you to file for modified custody in the following timeframes and circumstances: If there is a clear and present danger to the children (and you can prove it with clear, unambiguous documentation of harms to the children) then there is no time requirement before filing for modification. If one parent has not been following the parenting plan and you have sufficient documentation to prove it (i.e. they're not taking anywhere cl…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/23 06:36 PM
2

Depending on the state, you should be able to file for a modification of custody regardless of anything else after a year, even if the other parent is keeping the orders to a T. You won't necessarily get the modification unless there's a damn good reason to modify (and "the other parent isn't following it and I can prove it" is a damn good reason), but you should be able to file for modification regardless.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/23 06:33 PM
1

I wonder if you could manipulate this by rotating her through more people to charm and then blow up on instead of you. On the orgasm thing . . . get a really good 'toy' and go to town on her with it.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/23 06:23 PM
1

The problem dealing with women is that the problem is never what they say it is. In OP's case, she says video games are the problem. Video games are not the problem. The problem at its core is that she feels like she's not getting any special time with her husband, just the scraps and leftovers of his time. The first solution is to actually carve out the special time to spend with her. Make it feel like it's deliberate. Do that and I'd bet he could end up spending even more time on video games, …
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/23 06:19 PM
1

This is an excellent way to put it. Lead. Don't let her lead. She wants to spend time with you? Perfect -- specifically carve out that time. Put it on the calendar. Make it feel like you're making a deliberate effort to spend time with her, and not just sorta be there. That's what she really wants. When you do it that way -- the way that you did it while you were dating -- then she'll stay hooked on you. To OP, you might also consider instead of informally 'whenever I feel like it' take your vid…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/23 06:14 PM
1

It's because men don't know how to actually satisfy their wives (and I'm not talking about the bedroom), so you just kind of offer concessions. Want to fix the issue? Carve out time specifically for yourself and your hobbies, friends, etc. and hold it sacred -- but at the same time, carve out time specifically for her and the things she wants, i.e. date night, movie time, etc. Don't just sort of conglomerate your lives. Keep yourself an interesting person, who continually expresses genuine inter…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/23 06:10 PM
1

painted, bought furniture, arranged things, never heard a word from anyone else about the way I did it LOL reminds me of my ex-wife. She'd complain that I didn't put up pictures or otherwise decorate -- but when I did try to put up pictures et al I'd get yelled at for doing it wrong, and she wouldn't actually participate in trying to get it right. (Compare to my new wife where we'll talk about arrangement and decoration and not always agree but there's no yelling or complaining and she actively …
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/23 06:04 PM
2

So I take it you don't actually like spending time with her. That's the issue -- it's not that "you don't spend time with her" it's that she feels like you're avoiding her. Is there a reason you're avoiding her? I had a comparable issue with my ex-wife -- she wished I would spend time with her, complained that I wasn't spending time with her, but the reason I wasn't spending time with her was because all the time I spent with her was Bash CommanderOfCheese Time. Is that your issue? Because if it…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/23 05:59 PM
0

About her concern, it's not the video games. It's spending time with her. Wanna know how to solve it? Take her out on a full-on date once a week, just you and her and something fun for the two of you. Start doing that and all those complaints about "not spending time with her" will disappear. If you can't even do that, then while you're working at home, pull your laptop off the desk and keep working while sitting cuddled up next to her while she watches one of those garbage reality TV shows or d…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/23 05:57 PM
1

Happy cake day . . . but having been in OP's position (except that my family, despite all of us being against divorce in general, were all on my side because they all saw my ex-wife was nuts) that's BS. Dude's being abused, and that's every bit as bad as infidelity. Yeah, you keep your ass in the fire when the issues are transient, when you're having fights over recognizable, individually solvable things. You keep your ass in the fire over the stretches that it gets 'boring' or it feels like you…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/23 05:34 PM
4

This isn't even "nebulously-inflammatory," this is normal.
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/23 04:59 PM
1

"Dad" implies that Mom has a connection to him. "Your dad" removes that connection from Mom to Dad, a connection that shouldn't be there anyway. This is not just fine, this is exactly what I'd expect and I'd reciprocate the same kind of language. When talking to my children I always refer to their mom as "your mom" and not "mom."
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/23 04:59 PM
1

the higher the fee the better they are I never said that. I said don't buy into the bullcrap that you should think about how much you're "saving" by getting a discount attorney. Two completely different things. It's like I said "don't get the cheapest graphics card just because it's cheap" and you countered with "oh, you want everyone to get the most expensive possible graphics card?" A male attorney does matter because they're more apt to empathize with you as a man and probably a father Or the…
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/23 10:55 PM
1

Don't do this. No. Stop. It's not about how much you "save" with one lawyer versus another. It's about cutting the best deal possible, and a cut-rate lawyer's biggest interest is going to be closing the deal as quick as possible so they can handle all the volume. You want one that won't pull any punches and score you the best deal possible, because "saving" $4,000 in legal fees can mean losing $50,000 in asset division because the more expensive lawyer would be able to successfully argue that it…
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/23 09:42 PM
5

Indeed. You've been through something traumatic, caused by someone who you've been close to. I had similar feelings when my then-wife got arrested for DV for what might be considered less than yours got off from. It's fairly normal and common to feel like this. Right now it feels like your entire world is upside-down. The woman you love hates you, all of your property seems like it's in jeopardy, etc. Turns out your world was upside-down the whole time and now it's upright.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/23 09:53 PM
1

Y'all are a bunch of wieners. If you feel as screwed over as you claim, you should be organizing like the feminists did. And yeah, you do have plenty of legit stuff to complain about. I went back to the well because the thing that made me leave my ex-wife was something I'd have only, like, a 2% chance of getting again.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/23 07:19 PM
2

My ex wife: Nothing but criticism and contempt and spending that money on crap nobody wanted. My new wife: Enough bandwidth that we can actually stay 'above water' on responsibilities and actually do cool new stuff. Handles household stuff enough that I don't really have to think about it anymore (not that I do no chores, but rather that what I do is seen as loving favor and is met with appreciation and affection). Fun and entertainment. Cost-savings.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/23 07:14 PM
4

File for a Domestic Violence Restraining Order. Do it yesterday. If she wants to fight it, then you can subpoena her phone as evidence. I give it a 90% chance she doesn't actually know how to purge the video from her phone's storage; even if she 'deleted' it then a super basic forensic analysis will recover the video.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/23 06:57 PM
5

They couldn't charge assault to anyone as no actual assault has been made The police made a mistake. Assault as defined by law does not include the actual act of violence -- merely the approach and threat of violence. Battery is the actual act of violence, hence the two charges of assault and battery. And this event? Yeah you can get a DVRO out of it. Do it. Do it yesterday. It will be granted. I got a restraining order off of much less than what you described. It's possible for her to fight it.…
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/23 06:55 PM
1

She cheated? Dump her ass. This is not a no man's land. Do not give up the high ground. Her ass needs to stay on the curb. She needs to feel real consequences for her actions. She's not sorry. She's just sorry that she'd be losing out on the gravy train.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/23 04:39 PM
1

She just wants to ride the Cock Carousel.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/23 04:36 PM
3

she thought I should give the same amount of money to her parents for fair treatment LOL, she stupid. That's just dumb. For this to become a knock-down drag-out fight over something that she's so clearly 'not just wrong, but stupid' about is an omen. In almost all our fights she threatened to call police Ok, now you're describing some really truly crazy and abusive behavior. At this point you're a real sucker if you stay with her. You can't put up with a lifetime of this. It will only get worse.…
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/23 04:32 PM
1

Makes me sad seeing all the men here who don't really "get" that marriage means your stuff is shared, and that you were never working for just yourself, but for a shared life.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/22 06:53 PM
1

Here's the thing. When you're married, you don't 100% own stuff except that which is negotiated to have been owned separately before the marriage. You 50%-own 100% of the stuff. When you divorce, you convert 50%-ownership of 100% of the stuff, to 100%-ownership of 50% of the stuff. That's what she deserves out of it. She owns the stuff just the same as the husband. Opinion: Calculate what portions of the home and investments were 'owned' prior to the marriage and set those aside, not to be divid…
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/22 05:13 PM
1

Agreed. Being a single dad it's hard to both work and keep up on household maintenance and taking care of kids. I'm getting married again soon; she can work but she wouldn't be making all that much in excess of what it costs to keep my youngest son in daycare. It's all of a sudden going from just treading water to being able to propel ourselves out and accomplish something -- now we'll both have the time and energy and money to be able to do something with the back yard, have constructive hobbie…
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/22 05:05 PM
2

I'll agree with that if you can also provide her with a time machine to go back to before you were married, so she's not screwed out of however many years worth of income and career progress she would have had.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/22 05:02 PM
3

at trial moms always get the kid No they don't. At trial the judge usually favors whatever the current situation is. Most of the time the "current situation" is that dad hasn't successfully coerced mom into a fair sharing arrangement and she's withholding the kid, and the judge just says "welp, that's just how it is" and canonizes the situation. She won't settle anything that doesn't give her full custody? Then don't settle crap. You have the high ground. Don't move an inch from it.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/22 04:56 PM
9

Same, dude. My offer was basically twice what my lawyer advised, my ex still raged about how it was so unfair.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/22 04:51 PM
6

How do I co-parent with a narcissist? That's the neat part. You don't. You parallel parent. You have your set of rules and you steer clear of all the toxicity, and you let her have her set of rules. You reduce contact with her to as close to zero as is possible, turning on a filter in your brain that just discards everything she says unless there's specific, actionable information in it regarding the kids. Keep a journal of every time she didn't keep her word -- i.e. didn't pick up the kids when…
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/22 04:58 PM
1

But that can't be "used against" the crazy stbx.
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/22 04:39 PM
1

They like the new lady better :P
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/22 05:05 PM
1

Heh. I'm moving forward in a new relationship. My ex-wife thinks we're still married (there's a religious component to the marriage, separate from the civil/legal component, and the church usually doesn't negate that piece until the woman remarries) and is in full rage mode over it. Me? I'd be thrilled to bits if she got a date. I'm secure in my relationship to my kids. She's a total psycho who's constantly talking crap about me and it makes the kids hate her. You being at peace with it? That's …
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/22 03:35 PM
2

My opinion on nesting is that if you can get along well enough to do that, why the hell are you getting divorced? If it's to boink other people, you can arrange that without getting divorced.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/22 03:20 PM
1

This is called 'nesting' or 'bird nesting.' If my ex and I could have gotten along well enough to even do that, I wouldn't have divorced her crazy ass in the first place.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/22 03:19 PM
0

"Common law" marriage. If you're living together and for all intents and purposes reaping the 'benefits' of marriage without actually being married, then by 'common law' you're considered as married and the process of splitting up is essentially equivalent to divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/22 12:33 AM
-4

The good news is that it's moving in the right direction. Many jurisdictions now default to 50/50 custody and asset division, have limitations on spousal support such that it's "no more than the difference between their potential earnings and the cost of living." Honestly I don't see the movement of men opting out of fatherhood and marriage as being any kind of positive impact on this trend. If anything it reveals men to be as spiteful and petty as women are expected to be. And it's not just mar…
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/22 12:31 AM
1

There's not really anything to use. Mental health has nothing to do with how much property they're owed, and there's nothing left to discuss.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/22 07:11 PM
1

blames me for an affair Don't accept that blame. F$#@ that $#!+. She's insane to blame you for it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/22 06:46 PM
1

A difference like that I'd argue is effectively zero. She has her income, you have yours, you pay her squat.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/22 06:45 PM
1

Downgrade the crap out of your life when it comes to finances. That's really the only option. Not enough money for an apartment? Then both of you get apartments and you rent out the house to make money from it. And your STBX needs to get a job ASAP.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/22 05:38 PM
3

No. Just no. From what you're saying, you're not capable of a real monogamous relationship, period. This woman that you're thinking of leaving your wife for will be nothing but a flash in the pan for you before you get bored again. The grass is never greener unless your current "grass" is abusive or unfaithful.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/22 10:49 PM
2

DV? Seriously? Dump her and give her NOTHING.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/22 09:30 PM
1

It gets better. I had a pretty comparable experience; my then-wife hit me, busted my phone and I went to the police. Her condition of release was 'no contact' until her arraignment. No affair, though. I get it. The feeling of absolute shock, the fear about what will happen, still having strong feelings for her . . . I ended up getting back together with her after a brief separation and staying for a bit more than a year. Guess I was just stupid in love. Emphasis on stupid. Guess what? All the ab…
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/22 04:56 PM
2

In the Harry Potter world, there's a humanoid species called a House Elf. They're for the most part slaves, and their disposition is such that they're happy to be slaves. They wear pillowcases or bags or whatever makeshift clothing that wasn't made to be clothing as a sign of their servitude. Receiving an article of clothing from their masters releases them from their obligated servitude. Something something unexplained magic how they're bound to their masters that receiving clothing makes them …
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/22 04:39 PM
2

Pick something reaaaaally stupid to be the hill to die on. Really petty and dumb that you don't actually care about, but is extremely well before 'fairness.' Get stupid protective over a set of shot glasses that you pretend to have an emotional connection over. Whatever you can make it a fight over. She's not in it for how the actual division of property goes. She's in it to hurt you. Behind the scenes, you arrange everything else to be in as much your favor as you think you can get away with. B…
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/22 06:25 PM
4

Marrying a single mom here. I'm a single dad. Working out pretty great for me.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/22 04:20 PM
3

You missed the "has" from "worked out great." The relationship is still going. "Was" a single mom -- she's not a single mom anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/22 04:18 PM
9

One abusive relationship? Understandable. A chain of abusive relationships? There are only two possibilities, and both are ones you should run from -- either they are the psycho abuser and just projecting, or they have a really bad people picker and are going to leave you for a charming scumbag as soon as one shows up.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/22 03:57 PM
2

if you have decided to terminate then getting the other party on the same page doesn't serve any true purpose It does, though. It can help stop the stupid efforts to get you back, including both the positive (i.e. 'let's be friends and have dinner and do nice things for each other') and the negative (i.e. interfering with your ability to go on dates)
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/22 03:52 PM
3

getting on the same page AS FAR AS "THIS IS HOW THINGS ARE" Don't suck the context out of my quote. Also, doesn't the sub state that it is not anti-women?
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/22 09:50 PM
1

Throw some kind of meat in the crock pot with a handful of other vegetables and appropriate liquid and spices. After 6 hours or so, shred the meat with two forks and put it back in. Zillions of combinations, all good as long as you've got a decent nose for figuring how much of the spices you need to make it good.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/22 08:01 PM
2

There won't be a men/fathers advocacy group making visible donations to politicians, because the second they become any more visible than a radio ad, they'll be torn down as 'misogynistic.' No politician would accept a donation from them.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/22 07:56 PM
1

What you're describing is an abuse of "Legal Separation." It exists for the sole purpose of satisfying the 'must be separated for a year before divorcing' requirement without bankrupting individuals planning to divorce but unable to afford supporting two separate households in the meantime. The separation agreement will be thrown out if you and your wife are not "acting" like you're separated.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/22 07:52 PM
1

There's no such thing as 'misuse' -- the money is hers to do whatever she wants with it. Don't give her a cent more than you're ordered to, and change your mindset to "not my circus, not my monkeys" when it comes to her spending. Block her on every non-court-ordered means of contact.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/22 07:47 PM
5

Counseling is only a waste if you go in with the specific purpose and thought that you're going to save the marriage. But if you go in for the purpose of first identifying the underlying issues and getting on the same page as far as "this is how things are" then it's helpful -- regardless of whether or not it's going to save the marriage. Often counseling will help the two of you figure out how to end things in a graceful way instead of getting dishes thrown and TROs issued.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/22 07:44 PM
2

I examined Freakonomics' assertion that "legalized abortion reduced crime rates, probably because it meant fewer births to impoverished single moms." I dug deeper than they did and found that what legalized abortion actually did was normalize the crime rates back to what they were -- the rise of crime rate coincides with the introduction of hormonal birth control and thus an attitude of 'free sex.' Ironically birth rates, particularly those to single impoverished women, rose dramatically with bi…
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/22 05:05 PM
3

Live your life in such a way that it invalidates their mom's half of the story. From the other comments, it sounds like your ex has a terrible victim complex. Her projected view of you gets invalidated really easily by being a nice SOB -- the kids see you've got great friends and that you're generous with your time and your stuff (but still maintaining strong boundaries and refusing to be taken advantage of). And don't let your kids take on that same victim complex. Teach them to own up to their…
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/22 04:56 PM
2

The mediator doesn't mention whether or not anything is normal or enforceable or anything. They literally do nothing except for enforce turn-taking and ask whether or not the other person agrees to something and shut down anyone trying to yell or argue. Basically all they do is make sure the thing is civil. No care about whether anything is fair, or even whether anything in there is even possible. Only whether or not the two of you can talk about it, and only whether or not the two of you can ag…
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/22 07:38 PM
3

LOL Chris Rock had a great bit about that in his latest comedy show. "Every man in this room is a job loss away from losing his woman. Michelle Obama is looking over at Barack and going 'what's your plans, b$#@?'" Okay, just read the whole thing. Like, what if I only tried as hard as she tried. Would we have gotten anywhere? Sounds like you've got some major insecurity issues there. You're playing by the "nice guy" rules -- that everything comes with some secret contract, that giving obligates t…
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/22 07:31 PM
10

How do I prove that she has been lazy That's the neat part. You don't. Even if you could, it's meaningless. The court doesn't care. Now you can take her degrees and certifications and slap together a resumé and thus get her income stipulated in order to reduce what you'll pay. Don't get an expert to interview her, just do the resumé with stuff that can be a matter of public record. And then if it goes to court it's up to the judge (but you can still make an offer that gives numbers based on your…
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/22 07:18 PM
3

That which is physically impossible to enforce is considered unenforceable and thus void.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/22 07:06 PM
2

Dogs are so variable in their personality it just depends. If you go for one, you need to get one that matches your energy and personality. If you're looking for high attachment and motivation to get out and be physical, you can find dogs that will match that. If you're looking for just a pet to snuggle with, that needs only as much attention as you want to give it, you can find that in a dog, but usually older dogs. Cats . . . I love them. They don't demand much attention, they chase down and k…
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/22 07:04 PM
1

The problem with the analogy is that Blackjack isn't a static game that is played once, but rather an iterated game.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/22 09:58 PM
3

Gaslighting is basically making the other person question their whole reality. whether she has NPD or if she's just a bitch In the end it doesn't actually matter -- what matters is that, regardless of the cause you're being hurt by her behavior. Not a diagnostic method but a 'for you' perspective, I'd use the CRAVED method to figure out if you need to treat her like she has NPD: Conflict -- seem like she's always turning everything into a fight? Rigidity -- she can't be persuaded. Oh, she may ch…
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/22 09:57 PM
4

The pay gap exists . . . primarily because of women's choices -- specifically: choosing careers that are known to pay less taking longer leaves of absence or periods of non-employment When you account for those two factors and compare same-career / same-experience then the gap pretty much disappears. Also, maybe men make the money, but women spend the money.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/22 03:20 PM
1

Is she entitled to it? That's the one and only question. Document the crap out of that 'under the table' catering business and extrapolate it to full time. Key: It must be extrapolated -- as in, "any reasonable person doing this could make $x, and the only reason she isn't is because she's only doing the little bit she feels like." Calculate child support from that extrapolated income. If that income plus child support is enough to 'afford' the mortgage after buy-out (i.e. proper debt-to-income …
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/22 10:20 PM
1

Just bite the bullet right now. Don't wait to accumulate anything of any value that you own jointly. It's easiest to break it up when you've both got nothing. At this timeframe you can probably get it annulled instead of having to go through divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/22 04:03 PM
2

Dude, my situation was just like yours. I think what I did -- essentially take her back until it got too bad to stay again -- was wrong and having gone through it I offer my advice as what I should have done. How do I make sure she is okay? That's hard. Reach out to anyone who has community-wide reach -- i.e. a bishop or pastor or leader of any kind of community that she actively participates in. That's pretty much the best you can do. What should my next steps be? Get a lawyer. Seeing as how it…
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/22 04:01 PM
1

Men are more likely to be content to suffer in silence rather than take action that could potentially jeopardize the relationship. Loss aversion, fear that there's nothing on the other side. Women on the other hand have more stable support networks and are confident that, should they lose the relationship, they'll get another one, possibly a better one. Men who cheat also do so not with the intention of leaving their families, but rather with the intention of supplementing their own desires. It'…
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/22 03:46 PM
1

It's lonely and that sucks. It's lonely even if you're screwing an entire harem every night. We're wired to need companionship, not just sex. Oh, and the harem thing is a fantasy -- unless your bedroom is pretty much entirely dead, you'd be lucky to get even half as much sex.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/22 05:51 PM
1

I'm referring to a phase where there's literally nothing but that.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/22 05:41 PM
1

LOL I tried that. Didn't work, but then again my ex is not a normal woman.
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/22 05:32 PM
1

I'm actually on the opposite side of that. My ex is f$#@ing insane. Aside from the insanity she demands absurd amounts of updates about the kids when they're with me and I keep telling her she needs to learn to let go and just trust me.
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/22 05:31 PM
1

I went through kind of the same emotion when I first left my ex-wife (I was the leaver). I was super isolated before and barely knew how to reach out to anyone else. The first thing you're going to need is a friend, or maybe a bunch of friends. People that are going to be okay seeing you break down. You've spent over a decade probably locked down and putting a damper on how you felt in order to keep the peace. That needs to stop. You need to unlock that.
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/22 05:29 PM
3

The grass only looks greener because: The grass is green where you water it, and maybe you haven't been watering it The grass that looks greener is probably spray painted. In my case the grass was incurably infested with permanently-seed-bearing goatheads (those stupid weeds with the evil thorny seed pods) so even dropping on to barren gravel was better than staying lol. Yeah, the woman he's considering leaving, it seems like his grass is just barely beginning to thin and wither and he just need…
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/22 05:25 PM
13

Dude, I'd love to have a wife like that. The woman I'm probably getting married to soon is better than that, but if my first wife were like that, I'd still be married to her. Sounds like you're going through an early mid-life crisis. Find a professional to talk to about it.
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/22 05:22 PM
1

Spoken by a dude that can't get past the humping phase of a relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/22 03:23 PM
1

A dude with a more fulfilling relationship than you'll probably ever had is posting this.
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/22 03:19 PM
2

Don't push on what she's actually doing. In fact, be helpful and offer to watch the kids for her. Make it as easy as possible for her to unintentionally upgrade your status with the kids. Maybe she'll end up considering doing something that would betray your trust, feel guilty as hell and realize what withholding forgiveness has done to you. Maybe. I wouldn't count on it. But me, I'd say hold on until the moment you're grabbing a thing of booze and considering putting it in your mouth. If you ca…
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/22 05:28 PM
2

For me? Abuse. It kept adding up and adding up. The straw that broke the camel's back was just one more incident, where she woke me up early in the morning by ripping the blanket off the bed, screaming at me and violating my private parts. That was it. I was done.
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/22 03:49 PM
11

You're working on you, and that's a good thing. What needs to happen now is for her to work on her. Stop asking for forgiveness and just keep working on you and trying to be the kind of person she would want (not simping for her -- just being an awesome person). If she's able to work on her and you can just become attractive again (attraction isn't just physical, it's actually mostly emotional) and she chooses to accept that you've become what she wants, then voila, you've saved the relationship…
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/22 03:46 PM
2

Hehe, I'm one of them . . . and I'm divorced from that one. My whole family and everyone I know, all members of the church, supported me in leaving. My parents are happy. They have their gripes with each other and it comes out, but they've got it figured out. My ex's parents are that couple you described. My ex is like her mom, but worse because you throw a paranoid personality disorder on top of the 'yelling and berating and character assassination is how you get what you want.' Her dad is supe…
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/22 07:25 PM
1

And you're throwing away $100k all because you want to avoid some paperwork. That's just plain stupid. How many entire years salary is that for you? One? Two? I guess if your STBX is a stay at home mom and you're in a place where you'd likely be paying long-term alimony maybe it's not the worst idea. But if she has an income that could support herself living in that house post-refinance and you thus wouldn't be paying beaucoup bucks in alimony forever, then that's a lot of money you're just thro…
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/22 03:31 PM
1

Yep. If the two of you can agree to it, then that's often the easiest and least painful way to do it. You file, and in your filing you make the proposal. From there, she has three choices. One, she can file a response saying she agrees with the proposal. Two, she can just not respond and it goes to default, which is equivalent to agreeing to your proposal. Three, she can file a counterproposal, which you will be given and can respond to (and it's this option where, if you don't like the counterp…
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/22 11:57 PM
1

If she already filed, you have a certain amount of time to file a response, if you haven't already. Put it in the response. Domestic violence always changes the discussion of divorce and the offender is always on the back foot.
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/22 07:22 PM
2

Don't leave the house. Do not leave the house. For heaven's sake, man, do not leave the house. Bought the car after she filed for divorce Big mistake, and you shouldn't have been able to do it anyway. Your credit should have been frozen. And when it comes to division of assets, either the car is joint or it gets clawed back and the funds used to purchase it are considered joint. Keep paying the mortgage and bills. Does she have an income? Make sure that income is considered. If it's enough that …
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/22 04:00 PM
1

Mine was not to far from exactly that until I got a restraining order against her. She was pissed when she found out I was dating, called me a cheater and even harassed my girlfriend.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/22 05:26 PM
4

Post-partum depression that she just never got over? Happens. Sometimes even leads to psychosis. Marriage counselor isn't what you need. Marriage counseling only works when you both want to preserve the marriage, or when you're in agreement that you want to end it but need to figure out exactly how. Maybe what you need is a psychiatrist for her. If she's not going to do it, then rip the band-aid off and file for divorce. Don't play nice in the divorce. Be reasonable and not nasty, but not nice.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/22 07:16 PM
1

Depends on your state. In mine, you just walk in to the courthouse, fill out the paperwork, and then within an hour or two you'll be seen by a judge who will ask you a few questions about what you've said and right then and there either grant it or deny it. From there, the person will be served within a reasonable timeframe, and it becomes effective from then on. The person served has an opportunity to fight it, and if they choose to do so, then you will be notified by mail to sustain it and set…
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/22 06:17 PM
3

most women I talk to That's sampling bias right there. You're not "in" with the tens of millions of gynosupremacist neofeminists.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/22 04:34 PM
1

I did almost exactly that. No police report, but instead went for an Order of Protection. Got the Order with no pushback or anything.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/22 03:38 PM
1

It may depend on the judge -- I was able to obtain a protective order against my ex-wife for harassment on the basis that she showed up in the middle of the night one night, and the sheer number of disrespectful texts.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/22 03:36 PM
1

I'm going through pretty much exactly that. My ex was harassing me through text all the frickin time, showing up in the middle of the night when I had the kids, etc. She found out I was dating again and jumped through hoops to find out who, and reached out and harassed my girlfriend (my GF is a super mature and resilient woman; she could take it just fine). My contract with my lawyer was up as soon as the divorce was final and I don't think I can afford to spend more. I filed for and was granted…
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/22 03:35 PM
2

Become your idea of the most interesting man in the world. Are you doing stuff that makes you happy and engaged and feel like life is not just worth living, but great? I get to explore doing the kind of stuff that I couldn't have done with my ex around. Writing a sci-fi novel. Experimenting with modeling and 3D printing. Designing a tabletop RPG for my kids. Getting into gaming hardware. Dating someone who thinks I'm the most interesting man in the world, precisely because I'm doing all these th…
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/22 03:29 PM
7

It's the single most divisive political thing you could possibly imagine. You could lose either 100% of the male vote or 100% of the female vote. It's waaaay more electric even than abortion or reforming Social Security.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/22 03:23 PM
1

Well if you can document it -- and better yet, someone else can swear to it -- then that's what they're looking for.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/22 03:18 PM
1

You can tell people what's going on without playing the victim card. Playing the victim card is what it's called when you mobilize people against her, or tell it to people who have zero need-to-know.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/22 06:58 PM
2

My parents and family actually saw the abuse from my then-wife way before I did, and agreed to keep quiet about it until I realized it myself because often telling someone about it backfires and leads to being isolated and thus losing at least some ability to support them. As far as getting full custody, that's going to be a matter of demonstrating that your ex is bad for your child, not just mean to you.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/22 06:56 PM
3

If you're going to take a buyout, let it be the full amount and not a smaller compromised number. She may owe you spousal support/alimony, too. Maybe you can compromise and you get more money up front so she can forgo paying you alimony.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/22 08:51 PM
1

In Texas? The secret is to be the default parent who does everything and make the other parent out to be naught but a paycheck and minor help. Texas custody law is garbage.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/22 08:47 PM
13

A great book about how to actually be a nice person, and how "nice" guys are actually both terrible and stupid. A book about dropping the idea that doing good things for other people creates an invisible contract that you should be offended by if they break it, and replacing it with the idea that you just do what you do, let others do what they do, and finding happiness by asserting and taking care of your own needs instead of trying to secretly contract others into taking care of them (and bein…
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/22 08:45 PM
2

Your strategy: You've already made your decision, so don't go back on it -- but don't announce anything about your gameplan, including the fact that you're about to serve her with divorce papers. Keep it all close to the vest. Get yourself a lawyer. Unless your divorce is going to be particularly contentious and you have millions of dollars in assets, it's not going to matter all that much which one, so long as they know the process, know what to expect and know the judges they're going to be wo…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/22 11:04 PM
2

Dude, I usually don't advocate for divorce in the base case of "waaah I'm unhappy waaah waah" but in the case of cheating? LOL, file divorce with zero second thoughts.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/22 03:52 PM
1

You'll feel better soon enough. Right now, even though you got everything you "wanted" out of the divorce, you still lost your wife, someone who was really close to you, and that's still a huge loss. You need to process that loss.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/22 03:50 PM
3

What helped me: Reevaluate everything. The way you do the dishes, laundry and chores. Your hobbies. Your job. The way you approach things. How much of it is genuinely you and how much is just because that's how it had to be with your ex? And yeah, it's fine to have things that you do that are because of your ex -- but not so much to have things that you hate but you do anyway because of your ex. As you do this you'll start to regain your sense of self. I found ways to do dishes and laundry that …
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/22 06:29 PM
-1

To be fair, it sounds like you're not being fair to your wife anyway. Gaming in and of itself isn't the problem. It'd be no different if it were working on cars or model trains or D&D or carpentry or anything else. And in fact the time you spend playing sounds super reasonable. What it sounds like here is that you don't know how to make her feel like you're doing something, and certainly not showing her that you give any kind of crap about her. Man, you and her really need to have something that…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/22 10:12 PM
1

My network really hates working with DMs so I can't be sure I'll ever see them or be able to respond.
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/22 05:31 PM
2

Ok. From a legal perspective, yeah the arrangement is totally legit -- they'll sign off on whatever you're both willing to agree to, including her saying "I don't want any of the property or money or spousal support, just child support" and you saying "I don't want any amount of custody." From a personal perspective, it's faaaar from the decision that I would make. If it weren't for institutionalized misandry I'd have full custody of my kids, and may yet have full custody in the future. I'm conf…
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/22 11:19 PM
3

If you can reach an agreement between yourselves, then as long as reasonable 'consideration' is given to both parties then it doesn't matter what's in the agreement. They'll sign off on anything. They're only nasty if you go there to argue. In the comments you mention her having full custody. Is that what you actually want? Because if you want to actually be involved in your kids' lives, then you shouldn't be settling for anything less than 50/50.
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/22 11:01 PM
1

I've explored that. I thought I could fix the problems. Borderline fits. Schizo doesn't because there's no 'word salad.' Paranoid Personality Disorder kinda fits. Psychotic Depression seems to have really fit. But ultimately it was that she was abusive and for my own health and safety I had to get out of there.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/22 10:56 PM
1

Yeah. I remember that post. He's since deleted it. My response was that if that's what had happened to me (and my wife) then there'd be a restraining order against her abuser and if he didn't get sent back to jail then I might end up in jail for threatening and possibly murdering the guy.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/22 07:14 PM
3

My ex actually thought someone was breaking in and stealing just stupid random junk, and then breaking in again and returning it as soon as they discovered that she knew it had been stolen. First it was "one of the neighbors, obviously the illegal immigrants down the street." Then it was "the contractors who built the house put in secret ways in and out" or "were taking the windows out to steal stuff and then putting them back in." Then after some long story stuff (should have divorced her right…
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/22 07:09 PM
9

Being able to make decisions without having them overridden or otherwise getting punished by the 'other.' Hell yeah I'm gonna buy that computer hardware, that 3D printer, that power tool I need, etc. I'm perfectly capable of managing my own money. Being able to actually sit down with the kids and negotiate terms so that we all get what we want. Before leaving it was just "rule number one is don't piss off mom, and there are no consistent guidelines on what will and won't piss off mom." Now I hav…
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/22 04:14 PM
6

As a man whose wife frequently pulled such BS on me . . . why the hell do you need it to be somehow the man's fault? Nothing needs to have happened. Some women are just nucking futs.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/22 03:54 PM
6

Charlie Sheen put it "I don't pay you for sex. I pay you to go away once we're done."
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/22 03:52 PM
1

How do I coordinate whose children's clothing articles should be at whose house? That's the neat part. You don't. Ran out of clothes/shoes/school supplies/etc? Buy enough that they have enough at your house. They come home with extras? Send the extras to their moms.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/22 07:21 PM
2

Dude, if this was me . . . I might end up in jail for murdering her dad. Or at the very least threatening to murder him. At the very least I'd get a protective order issued and then send his ass back to jail the second he texted her again. And then if she didn't get help, I'd seek to get her involuntarily committed. My ex wife also went through severe mental health crap but I couldn't actually do anything about it and she got really abusive toward me.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/22 04:25 PM
3

If you look at the context, there's an option for >50%, implying that everything else is less than 50% yours.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/22 04:17 PM
2

50/50 trading every week. I wanted custody exchange to happen on Fridays via who picks them up from school but the ex wanted to make sure that we have to actually talk to each other (F that, F her) and it's stuck exchanging on Sundays. I'm building a case for me to have full custody and her to just have every other weekend. Last two weeks we 'swapped' weeks so she could have fall break with the kids and she ended up sending them to my house every night.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/22 04:16 PM
2

Practical steps for you: Consult a lawyer for divorce. Just the consultation at this point. Stop depositing your whole paycheck in a joint account. Only deposit enough to cover bills. The rest goes into a separate account so she can't reach it. You're not in love with a woman at work. You're attracted to her because you're looking for a way out and she's attracted to you -- and she's attracted to you because she's looking for a way out, too. Don't do it. Get the divorce finalized before you even…
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/22 09:10 PM
4

Next year's model is the same price for cheaper materials, hidden better with clever use of veneers.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/22 08:57 PM
2

cheated LOL, from a guy who generally opposes divorce, dump her ass, it's worse for you than you think. Don't wait. Do it now. I generally oppose divorce unless it's clear that your spouse is the problem and not just the two of you needing to figure out how to treat yourselves and each other. But dude, she's cheating? Yep, she's the problem. Any delay in getting away from this woman is just going to make things worse for future you. Get a solid in-writing, officially filed parenting plan in plac…
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/22 04:00 PM
2

Start recording.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/22 03:54 PM
0

What state you get married in is absolutely meaningless. When it comes to divorce, the only thing that matters is what state you get divorced in.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/22 08:01 PM
2

There's a meme where Donald Trump is flying in Air Force One looking out the window. He says "Mexico is such a $#!+hole." His aide tells him "That's California." Trump replies "We should build a wall around that, too."
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/22 05:53 PM
15

What joy? My ex won't leave me the f$#@ alone.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/22 05:19 PM
1

You should move to Arizona first. Both Utah and California are absolutely abysmal when it comes to divorce. What you're doing now is completely screwing yourself in so, so, so many ways.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/22 05:18 PM
1

Don't agree to what she's had drafted. You're not stuck with whatever was written. It's supposed to be a negotiation. Her first offer is totally unreasonable. Child support is usually done by a calculator in most states. You can punch in what your incomes (including alimony/transfers) and child-related expenses are and it'll spit out a number. Odds are it was done wrong in order to present a bigger number. I don't know the specifics of your state but most of them spousal support is capped such t…
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/22 03:42 PM
1

That little snip you saw on tiktok? Fake lyfe. She's putting on a party face but what you don't see is that she's probably super miserable inside and just trying to cover it up with partying.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/22 03:32 PM
1

r/Divorce_Men My name is on the birth certificate [...] would make me pay child support even if he isn't my biological son This is true. wife refuses to let me see my son [...] without a custody agreement they won't do anything Yep. Should have prepared better. My recommendation would be to see if you can get your ass back in that house until you have an enforceable agreement on custody.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/22 03:29 PM
2

You don't want to abandon your children. You want your ex to abandon her children so she stops using them to harass you. I want the same thing.
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/22 06:51 PM
1

Post-Partum depression doesn't just go away. It needs to be treated. It often gets worse. It's also possible that you have Neonatal Paternal Depression (basically the father's equivalent of Post-partum depression). Divorce isn't a cure. It may be a necessary step, but it's not a cure. Whatever you do, you need to start putting yourself first. Exercise. Get together with friends. Get a hobby, something that you enjoy doing. You can't be there for others if there's nothing left of yourself to give…
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/22 05:17 PM
1

What's the pettiness level? IT'S OVER 9,000!
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/22 05:10 PM
2

Because "Christian" to most people is a label they give themselves to score social points. It's just for the bonus points.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/22 04:51 PM
5

Some green flags for me: She was doing just fine before she met me and she'll be doing just fine if I leave. Same on my end -- I was fine without her, she was fine without me. We're together not because we need to be, but because we want to be. And never, ever take on a "rescue" case. Sure, rescue a person, that's kind and generous. But rescuing for a relationship? Begging for some unhealthy crap. You're genuinely impressed by each other in some way or another. You have a hobby that she thinks i…
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/22 04:49 PM
2

I don't call him "BeelzeBezos" for nothing.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/22 05:01 PM
1

Don't use a babysitter. The ex is the babysitter. Do it on the weeks with no kid.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/22 09:42 PM
1

I started out feeling that way. Then I realized that casual dating can be a way to recharge. It would give me something to look forward to.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/22 09:40 PM
2

"Every man in this room is a job loss away from being single. I see Michelle Obama lookin' over at Barack and goin' "what's your plan ****" from that same bit
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/22 05:18 PM
2

"Community Property" and "Common-law Property" are completely different things. "Community Property" is about 'who legally owns this right now.' "Common-law Property" is about 'who owns this when the current owner dies?' What you've found in the first link isn't about divorce at all, but about estate planning -- that is, making sure your property is all set to be distributed the way you want when you die.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/22 05:15 PM
1

Right now? Zero contact. I even have "shall remain respectful and shall be limited to specific, actionable items about the children." But because there's no means of enforcement, she's abusing the ever-loving $#!+ out of her privileges to communicate.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/22 09:58 PM
1

If you read the post, it's not the STBX that is experiencing mood swings.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/22 09:55 PM
2

until the day she put her hands on me Say it with me. This is an abusive relationship. You have been abused. I'm very much not a pro-divorce person, but you are clearly in the minority of cases where divorce would be unequivocally better for you. Yeah, it's hard for a man to admit he's been abused. You feel like an unworthy person. You're afraid that if you talk to anybody about it, they'll call you a crybaby. Trust me. Come out of the 'abuse victim' closet. Admit it to yourself and to anybody y…
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/22 07:56 PM
1

After this bit of information, I think she's going through some deeper depression and other emotional issues than she feels safe and comfortable talking about with anybody, and the solution will ultimately revolve around making her feel whole again.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/22 07:52 PM
1

If that had been the state of my marriage, I'd probably still be in it. Your conditions would be perfectly fine for me. I left because I was actually being treated badly. Divorce isn't a magic happy pill that fixes anything. It's an escape hatch. You've got your own set of problems, and your big thing right now is that you think you can solve them except that she's getting in the way. But you might not actually be able to solve them. This decision is totally yours. I'm not going to tell you to s…
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/22 07:50 PM
1

Yeah, it might take several attempts to get not only the right med, but also the right dose. You'll know if it's the wrong med. But the medication isn't the only thing that has to change. You might need to find a good friend or two and have some talks about things you might be uncomfortable talking about -- like, for instance, admitting how you're feeling and asking for help. I had a few bros come over and help me clean up because I was pretty non-functional for a while and it made a tremendous …
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/22 04:15 PM
9

Anti-depressants are a valuable tool, not a cure. I actually needed them to fight off anxiety and have never felt better, but the pills are far from the only thing involved in the recovery process. And my first one (buspirone) didn't help. It might have made it worse. The next one I tried (duloxetine), I went through a week of really weird feeling and then boom much better. It might take more tries to find something that really works for you specifically. Don't feel bad about asking for help, an…
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/22 10:06 PM
2

I'd specify pickup dates and times that facilitate no contact -- "when in school, on days of exchange the children shall be picked up from school by the other parent and notify the other parent by <chosen communication medium> upon pickup." and also specify another zero contact exchange method when they're not in school. I'd stipulate that "all contact with the other parent shall be limited to specific, actionable information regarding the children, and shall remain respectful at all times."
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/22 05:19 PM
1

"Naive" Dude, I have lived it in a way that you have not. I'm not naive. You're just jaded.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/22 04:59 PM
3

I got called abusive for: that one time we had a fight because I 'wasn't doing enough around the house.' I felt like I was doing everything -- cooking, laundry (she insisted on pretty much everything going on a drying rack instead of in the dryer so it was at least 5x as much work as it should have been!), helping with homework, getting the kids up and ready in the morning and out to school and down for bed at night. Cleaning wasn't happening consistently because I didn't have it in me after eve…
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/22 10:09 PM
0

Applying this toward the "general case" of women is a pretty toxic take. It's accurate for the case where she claims she's had a string of "abusive" men. But if it's just one, then ask them to talk about it and what happened.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/22 09:48 PM
3

If every one of their past relationships was 'abusive' that's a flag that she's the problem and the guys were probably normal. Maybe not "great guys" but nothing bad.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/22 06:23 PM
4

I'm on the other side of this. Divorce completed. Finally moved into my old house (I was renting it out before; the last tenants wrecked some crap and ruined my carpets with dogs they weren't supposed to have there, but I've gotten everything fixed enough). Went through therapy et al after having anxiety attacks that I could have sworn were atrial fibrillation. I'm more productive and more highly regarded than ever at work now. My house isn't exactly neat but the level of clutter is manageable a…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/22 06:11 PM
1

Same for men though.
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/22 09:34 PM
3

Who says you have to be attracted? (LOL)
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/22 09:34 PM
1

Or make her buy you out.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/22 07:55 PM
3

Counterstrategy: Do a comparably unreasonable anchor. Nobody cares how you 'appear' in terms of reasonability at this point because you're not in front of an arbiter who makes decisions.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/22 03:31 PM
4

They need their dads especially when they're teenagers. This is when they need someone capable of providing genuine and kind discipline. They need their mothers more when they're little, but their dads more when they are transitioning to adulthood.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/22 11:29 PM
1

Rip the band-aid off. It's not getting better until she hits rock bottom. As in, you get full custody and she gets jack frickin squat because of her problem-level drinking. Document the crap out of the drinking. When that happens -- not just the prospect of that happening, but it actually happening -- then maybe, just maybe she'll see how she has destroyed her life and make the changes to stop destroying it. (And I'm not saying take her back after she possibly changes!)
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/22 03:31 PM
2

Interesting results from this sub -- a far greater percentage of men here filed than women, but it's still way more women than men who filed.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/22 03:26 PM
1

The kind of thing you don't get away with. If there's the slightest smell that you have done something to hide it and it's not actually gone, they will find it, and you will lose more of it than you would have given away.
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/22 05:52 PM
1

Teamwork and cooperation is all about self-interest -- that everyone benefits from cooperation, whether that be direct benefit or the more subtle and indirect social benefit. And when there's no benefit, then it's not actually teamwork, it's exploitation.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/22 07:57 PM
1

Start by seeing a doctor. I'm serious. This isn't something that anonymous strangers on the internet can give you "enough" advice for. The depression and possibly complex PTSD from the downs of your relationship will have a negative impact on everything in your life, starting from your health. You will need therapy and possibly medication to help you get better. This is your health we're talking about. Save your health. If you don't, you won't just feel sad. You'll break. You'll lose your job, y…
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/22 07:55 PM
1

Eh, better to give her half than to blow it all and get nothing just to spite her out of the other half.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/22 04:00 PM
5

More importantly we have smaller social circles and less emotional support within them.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/22 03:57 PM
2

The way mine worked was I got the older, paid-off car and she got the newer van and responsibility for the payments. Division of property isn't "exactly 50/50." It's equitable division, which for the absolute biggest things it usually means 50/50 but in general it means "both parties should consider this fair if they're reasonable." If your stbx is going to be a total stink about it, then you don't divide up the debt equally, but rather the value. Sure, the Honda has 10k left to pay, but it's on…
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/22 06:06 PM
1

"How do women think?" "That's the neat part. They don't." (that was intended as a joke, not as my actual thoughts or feelings). Your stbx somehow has the impression that the family courts are way more misandristic than they actually are. No, there's no frickin way you'd pay child support if you're making less than her and still have any reasonable amount of custody.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/22 03:42 PM
2

Affair Partner.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/22 03:25 PM
2

But they didn't have to cut me off.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/22 03:24 PM
1

The officers on scene have no bias in the situation whatsoever That's what you think. But everyone always has their biases, they just may not be conscious of them -- and their biases may be chalked up to "experience" and even be beneficial.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/22 08:01 PM
1

This is why you don't rush. You insist everything go slow, on your timetable. If they leave you over not going fast enough, you didn't miss anything. There is no possible relationship that would be so good that losing it over not going "fast enough" would be an actual loss.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/22 04:14 PM
2

Ok, pet peeve, gotta fix. Discrete = individual, separable units. Examples: Discrete graphics card -- a card for processing graphics that is separate from the rest of the computer. Discreet = in a manner that will not raise suspicion. You meant to say "discreetly," not "discretely."
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/22 08:50 PM
1

Therapy. Turns out I pretty much had PTSD after what she put me through, and it kept coming back to bite me until I finally actually dealt with it.
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/22 05:51 PM
2

Wrong. They lost only what they lost because they had their fiancees sign robust prenups.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/22 09:34 PM
5

I have a list of deal breakers too but personally I think yours is a bit too stringent. I can be flexible and understanding about a certain amount of tardiness -- but if it's consistent and severe it can indicate a lack of basic respect or responsibility, and I won't put up with it. Your social media thing . . . for me it's not about the social media in and of itself, but if she can't give a date the attention it deserves then there's no point continuing. I chalk it up to 'we don't interest each…
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/22 06:22 PM
2

Indeed. A prenup isn't "getting married with the expectation of crashing." It's insurance. It's confidence that however the marriage goes, you have a predictable handle on how some of the most difficult aspects of the split will go. Yes, you do all you can to drive safely. You have a lot of control. But you can't control it if the jackass behind you just downed a whole keg of Coors and his open beer bottle rolled under the brake pedal. Likewise with marriage you do all you can to keep yourself h…
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/22 12:37 AM
1

What's needed is not for any of it to roll back, but rather for society to have the same kind of cultural revolution in men's favor -- recognizing all the ways that society has been unfair to men and biased against men, which is all the same ways it has been unfair and biased against women.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/22 11:47 PM
1

When you buy insurance, does that mean you expect to crash your car?
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/22 11:45 PM
1

A prenup would represent distrust in my next marriage BULLSHIT. Absolute bullshit. It does NOT represent distrust or lack of faith. If anything, it demonstrates absolute confidence in your relationship with the other person, that you can talk about and arrange what would happen if you were to split up and still get married. It forces you both to expose your vulnerabilities and open yourselves to each other. If anything, putting together a prenup should be mandatory for all marriages. If there's …
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/22 11:44 PM
3

Your thinking is correct -- you can withdraw the divorce at any point, but you don't get to pick it back up where you left off if you drop it. Therapy doesn't necessarily need to be with the goal of "get back together and fix everything." It can very well be to help you guys figure out how to split up with the least possible damage. But in either case, you both have to actually be aligned and willing to accept that you both have been doing something wrong. Most of the time that isn't the case. A…
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/22 11:36 PM
2

Related: Guys, don't be part of that CC that crappy women ride.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/22 08:08 PM
1

On the subject of "renting space in the head," my therapist recommended something to me that I think is great for sharing. All that stuff you want to post on social media about how awful she is? Don't post it -- but do write it in a notebook, and then burn the pages. Get the anger and frustration and hate out, have a physical release for all of it, and have it be gone.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/22 08:07 PM
1

Don't go public. DO write all this stuff in a 'burn book' and then when it's all full up, physically burn the book.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/22 08:05 PM
5

Therapy has zero value as a legal tool. If both of your intentions in going to therapy is to heal yourselves -- thus either repairing your marriage or finding the most graceful possible way to end your marriage -- then it can be valuable for that purpose. But that's rarely the case. Most of the time when someone's asking for marriage therapy, what they're really after is "I have a pathological need for you to admit that you are a bad person and I need you to hear it from someone other than me." …
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/22 07:05 PM
1

Closure is a myth. You just let go. Do I have a chance to get 50/50 with the kids? Depends on your state. Several of them default to 50/50 and only break with that if one parent is provably dangerous to the kids or the other parent doesn't want them, but there are some old holdouts that default to "stay with primary caregiver." will the furniture be split 50/50? That can be divided however the two of you can agree on . . . or you can both be pissy about it and it goes to whoever the judge says i…
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/22 09:44 PM
1

Eww, Wisconsin's law is disgusting if that's what is normal. SS should be no more than whatever it takes to cover the shortfall of a "reasonable" budget (i.e. what's the typical mortgage on an appropriately sized home, groceries, etc.) with her income extrapolated to her full "earning potential" (i.e. market rates for her expected job, level of experience, etc.) It sounds like your starting point should be offering her the mandated child support, but $0 in spousal support.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/22 04:26 PM
1

better love story than Twilight LOL, the real challenge is finding something that isn't a better love story than Twilight, that isn't just straight up porn.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/22 07:53 PM
1

That's not "work flirty," man. "Work flirty" doesn't involve private text messages or promises to go out with you.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/22 07:49 PM
2

There are a number of possibilities for the house. One is that she buys you out of it -- you get a fair market evaluation of its current value, and she refinances the house into her name only and pays out half the equity to you. This is probably the most likely outcome. Given your situation, if your state is 50/50/community property I don't think it's likely a judge would consider it equitable for you to forfeit the house and consider it to be in lieu of alimony -- in fact, based on your current…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/22 10:10 PM
2

Oh my gosh the f$#@ing micromanagement -- basically training me to get mad about it and then playing the victim when I tell her "no you can't sit here and micromanage me doing an absurd amount of work, no you don't get to make me do it and then complain about how it turned out, and no you don't get to complain about me making you do everything when you refused to actually let me do it." But nope, she remembers it as "he just wants his way or the highway" for some of the things and "he made me do…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/22 09:52 PM
1

There's some amount of sexism in the diagnosis. It's my firm belief that the various cluster B personality disorders are not truly distinct things from each other but rather exist in a "ballpark." It's also my belief that based on biases regarding typical male and female behavior, it's far more likely that even given the same behavior, a woman is far more likely to be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder while a man is far more likely to be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disor…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/22 09:44 PM
1

Feminists weren't wrong to blame the upper echelons of society and the way that we've constructed what's acceptable and not acceptable for what's wrong with society -- they were just wrong that it's some vast "male" conspiracy. By "abusive no-rights 1960's" I'm referring to how back then it was basically unacceptable for women to admit that their husbands were abusive and that there was systemic discrimination against them on the basis of their sex. For men it's the same thing -- it's slowly cha…
/r/MensRights02/06/22 09:41 PM
2

One thing it has done for me personally is it has made it a lot easier for people to understand what I went through. No, she didn't cut my finger off or poop in my bed, but there was a whole lot of other emotional BS that she did, plus sleep deprivation, sexual assault (yes that's a thing even in marriage), trying to alienate the kids against me, and even some physical abuse. Depp made all this a lot more believable and that I'm not just being "whiny" and that I shouldn't just "suck it up and be…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/22 09:31 PM
4

Don't play the monkey branch. I've seen your situation before. You're absolutely better of being alone than being with her. You don't need someone, and you need to figure out that you're okay by yourself. It's not a good idea to date before you're okay being by yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/22 09:25 PM
1

I have some pictures and audio of her beating me in the past years that I am ready to use if things get nasty Dude, I understand perfectly what you're going through. It has been a lot worse than you realize, for a lot longer than you make it sound. The fact that you didn't lead with this signals to me that it hasn't quite sunk in yet that you're literally an abuse victim. I know. I went through this too. Twelve years before I got out. The last two before finally getting out, I realized that some…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/22 09:23 PM
1

Interesting. Just ten years ago a statement like this -- or a statement like mine that paternity leave is a good thing at all -- would be met with total derision. "You men are just being whiny punks! You don't go through childbirth! Why the hell would you need any time off for this?" I feel like feminism was a good thing, freeing women from abusive situations and enabling them to start gaining equal footing and rights, but the thing is it wasn't just women who were abused and mistreated and held…
/r/MensRights02/06/22 08:55 PM
1

Or how about you took care of household responsibilities (cook, cleaning, child care), social responsibilities (basically acting as their personal secretary managing their social appointments et al) so that they could better focus on managing their career, all of this effectively unpaid.
/r/MensRights02/06/22 08:46 PM
1

There's also misandry present in this, as up until pretty recently men were never given substantial time off to help take care of their newborn children, and even now it's not mandatory and it's rarely paid unlike maternity leave. I personally benefited from paid paternity leave but it's a lot shorter than maternity leave and I could have used the longer leave -- I had post-natal paternal depression (basically the men's version of post-partum depression. Yes it happens. I had it. There's even a …
/r/MensRights02/06/22 08:43 PM
4

70% overall, 90% if the wife has a bachelor's degree. Badge of honor for me to be in the 10% of men who filed.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/22 04:23 AM
18

Texas isn't all that man-friendly. Arizona instead. 90 day residency requirement, 50/50 custody by default, really low child support and you're not all that likely to have to pay spousal support -- and if you do, it's pretty low and for a pretty short time. If you haven't been living together and have had separate incomes, then you'll most likely pay $0.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/22 04:22 AM
1

Found the homewrecker.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/22 03:16 PM
1

I tell you what. My female lawyer was super, super sympathetic to my situation and pushed me toward a deal that was a lot more favorable to me than my guilty Utah-born Mormon ass was initially thinking. I was ready to walk away giving my ex a whopping half of my income, thinking that was normal and expected (and probably would have been in Utah, but I'm not there anymore). She talked me way down from that. I don't have any perspective to share about male lawyers though.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/22 03:10 PM
2

Mine was begging for me to come back. I said no, repeatedly. She promised she'd be better behaved, blah blah blah. She went right back to total nastiness the next day. Complete no-brainer for me to never take her back.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 04:09 PM
2

LOL hers was under $200. As if I give a crap.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 04:07 PM
3

I won't talk about it until later, but I've got some really nice screenshots of text conversations to show. I don't want to be "that guy who trash talks his ex" because that's a whole lot of red flags. Actually the whole Depp/Heard thing makes it a whole lot easier, because now I can basically just bring up Amber Heard as a point of comparison and they'll get it -- and they get why I didn't want to talk about it before.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/22 04:06 PM
1

evolutionary psychology https://xkcd.com/775/
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/22 11:39 PM
1

That's not true.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/22 05:33 PM
4

And just like you, they get downvoted to hell -- however, unlike you, they also tend to get banned.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 03:55 PM
5

Not necessarily. Counseling for the explicit and sole purpose of keeping you together is a waste, but if you're flexible when you go in, then it can also play the important role of helping you figure out how to split up without ruining yourselves.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/22 03:52 PM
2

Pro tip: Move to Arizona for at least 90 days. File there. They hate men in Texas.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/22 03:27 PM
5

A little bit of column A, a little of column B. I'm paying monthly support for 2 years, a lot shorter than would be typical for how long we were married, but I also gave her the joint account, which is about the sum of what I would have paid over the rest of that time.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/22 02:46 PM
1

If you're in a jurisdiction that defaults to every other weekend for dad, then 50/50 is the hill to die on. If you're in a jurisdiction that 50/50 is the default, pick a different hill to die on because she'd basically have to prove you're a jailbird or otherwise not fit to parent at all to get anything different.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/22 02:29 PM
3

I can see it getting radicalized slowly. The original rules -- not anti-marriage, not anti-family, not anti-woman, not pro-divorce -- are ignored. The discussion is dominated by "don't get married, all women are trash, get divorced, swallow the red pill" posters.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/22 02:23 PM
2

The government has basically ruined the black community by effectively paying low-income women to be single moms (they lose it all if they get married, but they get more if they crank out more kids) and jailing their dads for years for drug offenses that would get a white dude a few months or probably just probation.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/22 06:34 PM
3

Marriage should be every bit as intensive as divorce. No more default contract that's unspoken -- the contract should be explicit on what property is considered joint and what is considered separate, whose income goes where and for how long (and continually updated as circumstances change), specifics on sexual aspects (again, continually updated as circumstances change -- i.e. if sexual needs/capabilities change drastically then the contract should have a means to adapt to that in fairness to bo…
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/22 06:31 PM
2

Hot take: it doesn't actually matter. If her observable behavior is unacceptable to you and you can't put up with it and she can't be persuaded to stop, divorce her ass anyway. Whether or not she cheated is going to be irrelevant anyway unless you're one of the very small handful of people with a "covenant" marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/22 03:58 PM
2

The point of the mediator isn't to suggest anything about what's fair or what anyone should expect, and if they say anything besides walking you through the checklist of things to agree on and things to stop a fight, then they're doing a terrible job.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 09:43 PM
2

What I would have paid out without an attorney: about $100k in equity from our rental home about $2.5k/mo in combined support What my attorney convinced me to go for: only about $50k in equity from the rental home (because we had previously failed to consider how much her home had appreciated in value) About $1k/mo in support, for half the amount of time. I thought the top agreement was fair. My lawyer realized that it was completely unfair to me and even thought the bottom one was still being t…
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 09:41 PM
1

I just did this (officially divorced last week). I have a rental property. Just six months ago I ran the numbers and came to the conclusion that the best thing for me and my family would be to suck the equity from that rental property (and give my ex wife her fair share) and buy a new house. Now that it's final I ran the numbers again. Interest rates are absolutely f$#@ing garbage right now and no matter what scenario I pick from I'm coming out behind after paying my ex her share of equity, I'm …
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/22 08:48 PM
1

Work out the budget. Can she afford to live if she goes back to work? If she can, then not a penny. If she can't, then not a penny more than she needs to be able to live.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/22 03:37 PM
5

Date women with penises.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/22 03:33 PM
1

A lot of those things should have been impossible because your credit should have been frozen when the divorce was initiated.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/22 09:24 PM
7

My only advice is to be the best dad you can be. My stbx does the same thing and all it does is make the kids like her less.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/22 03:25 PM
2

"What is this sub?" "What this sub is not:" Go back to r/theredpill
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/22 06:01 PM
1

My approach was in the parenting plan it states the vacation has to be planned and notified at least 30 days in advance.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/22 11:42 PM
3

First things first, 1-800-273-8255. It's depression. Serious business. Don't just talk to people. See a doctor.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/22 11:33 PM
3

The key in your case is to act like you want the kids full time and give the appearance that you're pushing for that, thus when it ends up 50% they feel like they won.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 10:35 PM
0

I learned this when I petitioned for full custody based on my daughter being constantly verbally abused and her mom's house being a super high stress environment. Her mom is genuinely crazy, as in believes that the government has spies living in her attic and poisoning her with chemicals and stealing random stuff like kids' clothes and putting them back later. (This belief has gone through lots of evolutionary stages, the previous one being that the attic-dwellers were illegal immigrants who pro…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 10:34 PM
1

The only possible reason is that his wife doesn't actually want them.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 10:30 PM
1

From the look of it, Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She didn't want the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 10:30 PM
1

There are lots of ways you can reduce your own risk of divorce. 50% is not pure, but rather there are conditions that increase and other conditions that decrease the probability of divorce. The single biggest risk factor for divorce is getting together before you're emotionally mature. The corollary for that is age, and the difference seems to hit a probability threshold around 25 -- if you start living together before then, your odds of divorce are more like 75%. It's probably even higher if yo…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/22 10:25 PM
7

It's not that she resents being a stepmom, it's more that she resents being married to someone who still has to deal with a total bitch of an ex-wife.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/22 11:00 PM
2

I'm not a psychiatrist and there's far too little information in this post to diagnose it, but it sounds like depression is the wrong f$#@ing diagnosis. This looks like Bipolar Disorder. KPOP and leaving is the "up" swing of it. Looks like she's had that multiple times including going through school 3 times and spending absurd money. What you're feeling with "I think my child may be better off with her mom" is a common parental emotion. In women it's called "Mom Guilt," so in men I refer to it a…
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/22 02:58 PM
1

I'm divorcing her because she is abusive. My STBX has vacillated in a cycle from "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT I HATE YOU SO F$#@ING MUCH" to "I realize I've been bad, maybe you can forgive me and still be friends?" to, if I don't respond positively to her "apologetic" behavior, "OMG I'm trying to be nice and you're not responding and being friendly in return? You're a terrible person!" and showing everyone else how I've been "terrible." Thing about that second "apologetic" phase is I've found it's ju…
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/22 02:48 PM
1

Medical leave is going to be crucial to getting that "you can earn this much" income imputation reduced to a sustainable level.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/22 02:34 AM
1

LOL, you're making your user name check out even more! Knave: A dishonest or unscrupulous man.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/22 09:46 PM
1

Indeed -- and the brother ends up getting comeuppance for it. It does not hide when people are evil.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/22 04:44 PM
1

User name definitely checks out.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/22 04:41 PM
2

S T A L K I N G She's trying to prove you're cheating or something.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/22 10:35 PM
2

My daughter less than a year after I separated from her mom has pushed me to go for full custody based on how she's being treated.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/22 04:36 PM
6

I'm the one who left because I was sick and tired of the emotional terrorism and abuse. It was way beyond "not enough." Way beyond.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/22 03:32 PM
28

I left because of emotional abuse. With 50/50 custody, and without me around to let out all her abuse, our oldest daughter was assigned the role of scapegoat and now the daughter takes the brunt of the abuse, to the point where she's now exhibiting severe anxiety disorders. And now she's claiming that it's my fault our daughter has severe anxiety.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/22 03:27 PM
1

Alimony isn't taxable income. Take the tax credits exactly as it orders in your divorce decree, which if it's anything like the default where I live, it would be in proportion to your incomes.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/22 03:16 PM
5

Yeah, I think you could easily get her income imputed at full time (which would come out to $140,000 per year, higher than yours) and as a bargaining chip get it imputed at 30 hours per week (~$100,000/yr) -- either way alimony would be set at 0. If you had a lawyer, they'd probably be telling you the same thing -- unless there's something compelling preventing her from working, such as a disability, she should be counted as working.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/22 03:14 PM
3

From an alimony perspective, her income isn't the only thing she should be bringing to the table -- she should also be bringing her expenses to the table and demonstrating that she'll have a shortage, and the alimony should be no more than what it takes to cover the shortage. Hell, the whole thing about alimony isn't about "making the incomes equal" it's supposed to be about "she sacrificed any earning potential to be with you; she shouldn't be tossed out on the street just because you don't wan…
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/22 02:53 PM
1

Still make/accept the calls, just don't put any effort into them feel special.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/22 02:41 PM
3

I'd drop that clause from the parenting plan at the first opportunity. They don't need daily contact. It's just an opportunity for her to intrude on your time, to continue controlling you by proxy. Document how it has always gone, that she has consistently made this call a non-priority. Put in equal effort -- the phone call still happens, but don't assign any kind of special effort to it. Don't make the phone call special. It's just a thing. No prep, no anticipation. Don't deliberately screw ove…
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/22 02:40 PM
1

Bought myself an Oculus Quest 2. Got the game Beat Saber. Working my way up to being able to play every song on Expert mode and holy hell is it a workout for my arms. Got myself a pair of boxing gloves. There's a gym at my apartment and a punching bag. Working on my footwork around the bag. Also using the equipment. Not skipping leg day :P Regular trips to the library. Read some interesting books. I'm a tech geek so Orson Scott Card's stuff has been interesting, and also read some Cory Doctorow.…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/22 09:03 PM
1

Subconscious emotional trauma? LOL, that doesn't even begin to describe it. You don't have to go very deep for it to be obvious that you were abused from the beginning. Healing it is going to take time and you're still going to have scars.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/22 08:25 PM
1

Made my first one right after I moved out -- a new PC because she wouldn't let me take mine. I've got a list. Gotta try one of those Purple mattresses. Sick of my hips aching while I'm trying to sleep. If there's a decent size 4k Smart TV under $300 next Black Friday I'm going for it. I'm going to make my house a prototype for a smart home business. Gonna get a metric crap-ton of Z-Wave devices and fiddle around with stuff like Google Home. Start investing in stuff for passive income.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/22 03:52 PM
2

The whole idea that "being nice entitles you to someone else being nice to you; you are being robbed if they don't reciprocate niceness" is so incredibly destructive. It keeps you from being genuinely nice because you're actually nice.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/22 07:09 PM
2

Here's one thing about your suggestion on how to do 50/50 -- that you're thinking of splitting up the boys and girls so they aren't together is not going to be looked at kindly.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/22 06:17 PM
1

My ex thinks that "neither parent shall disparage the other to the children" is a restriction of free speech; I consider the violation of that clause to be child abuse, which is why that clause exists.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/22 04:45 PM
1

50/50 is the hill to die on Unless your ex is abusive -- then it's full custody.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/22 04:04 PM
6

I've got a 2 year old (initiated the process when he was only 1). I've also got two elementary schoolers and a middle schooler. Ultimately I determined that it was better for the kids if they had at least one home where they nobody was getting yelled at all the time for no reason at all. After having been separated for quite some time, the oldest two are now asking to stay with me full time, with the oldest being willing to testify that her mom is verbally abusive and neglectful.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/22 04:01 PM
2

Yeah, the solution is stop caring if you come across as mean. You just don't talk to her because you know anything and everything will just be looking for a hook back into your life. She's just not a person to you anymore. No favors. No chats. Nothing that you're not legally obligated to do.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/22 04:33 AM
2

Because he's having second thoughts and wants the dirt. If he had full custody, it means there must have been something pretty deeply wrong with her and the dude's trying to figure it out.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/22 03:57 PM
3

"I'll have your finest food, stuffed with your second-finest food." "An excellent choice, sir. Lobster stuffed with tacos."
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/22 03:56 PM
1

I wouldn't even put up with that. I got my kids their own phones so they can do it without me having to take the call.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/22 08:58 PM
1

If you've got 50/50 there's no reason at all she should get additional FaceTime, unless you get entirely equal FaceTime at equally intrusive times. It's not actually about the kids. It's about pissing you off and maintaining control of your life. I got my older (11 and 8) kids phones so they can text with their mom without needing me involved. Apparently they really hate communicating with her so I have to remind them to actually respond, because if they don't respond she claims that I'm withhol…
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/22 08:56 PM
5

Hey, I'll take it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/22 08:46 PM
2

Good to see other states catching up! Arizona is already one of the states that essentially says "essentially-equal parenting time is in the best interest of the child by default," and only ever considers anything besides equal parenting time if: one parent is asking not to receive their equal share of parenting time -- i.e. you can give it up, but you can't get it taken from you the other parent is demonstrably unfit -- i.e. has been found guilty of domestic abuse, neglect, endangerment or othe…
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/22 06:19 AM
4

Paint it the other way. Don't be restrictive -- instead, get involved with your kids. Make it so you do things together instead of just "they let me do this." Have time to actually sit and listen to their concerns and share your experiences with them about their concerns. Read their stories, critique their art, play their games, etc. What you'll find is that the permissiveness is about trying to make up for neglect, and if you don't neglect your children, they'll figure out that their mom is neg…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/22 04:30 PM
2

My soon-to-be-ex (we've signed but it's not finalized) is hurting pretty bad, because now she has to actually work for a living. She's probably just a little too crazy for anyone to marry her (as soon as they find out about "there's someone living in the attic stealing my stuff and editing any security camera footage with them" they'll probably ghost her).
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/21 05:21 PM
4

"No fault" isn't the issue, the issue is "default arrangement." Many states formally recognize 50/50 as "best interest of the children" while those few states claim "with the caretaker" as being in the best interest of the children. Pull a jackass move. Take the kids and relocate yourself to a state with sane laws. Arizona has those sane laws and only requires a 90 day residence for you to be eligible to file for divorce. Once you're out, do whatever it takes to delay her from filing in her stat…
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/21 10:23 PM
2

Sounds like a big part of your problem is her. Kick her out. Keep the kids. Or leave with the kids. Blindside the F out of her with divorce papers. The courts aren't as biased toward women as this sub claims. If she's a shitty woman it'll be obvious. You may even have a case to take full custody of the kids, but at the very least unless you're in one of those hellhole states you'll probably get 50/50 custody without doing anything but asking for it. I had the good (?) fortune of her having physi…
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/21 08:31 PM
2

Xu Li, do the thing!
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/21 03:59 PM
5

My ex went through a phase where she would always compare me negatively to my dad, who she knows I look up to so much. About how my dad is so great and how I'll never be like him. Guess what? First, my dad isn't married to a woman like you. My mom's not an abuser like you or your mom. Second, oh boy if you only knew what my dad thinks of you. He was a bishop in his church congregation for the usual 5 year term and so he saw and heard pretty much everything behind the scenes as far as how people'…
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/21 03:59 PM
8

Look for opportunities to volunteer, that involve other people. Habitat for Humanity is a great one (I did that to pay off a traffic ticket).
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/21 06:25 PM
2

A quick Google search shows: https://www2.gov.bc.ca/gov/content/life-events/divorce/family-justice/family-law/separation-divorce/what-do-i-need-to-know-about-getting-a-divorce A divorce is the legal end of a legal marriage. Only the Supreme Court can grant a divorce. No, you are not legally divorced via separation. You actually have to get the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/21 06:23 PM
2

In the case of my marriage, I was like Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle -- "I expected nothing and I'm still disappointed."
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/21 04:15 PM
2

Arizona doesn't allow for a no-fault divorce unless the marriage is registered as a Covenant Marriage. Covenant marriages are harder to get into, and are ineligible for divorce unless the filing spouse can prove that the non-filing spouse cheated, is abusive or is addicted to drugs or alcohol and has formally refused counseling, or has abandoned the home for over a year. Otherwise unless it's registered as a covenant marriage, there's no "at fault" divorce, period. Contested divorce is different…
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/21 05:06 AM
3

There was no conversation. Only silent preparation. It had been getting worse and worse and finally when she ripped the covers from my bed at 5:30 and proceeded to scream at me for the next half hour, I paid the retainer for a lawyer. Didn't say a word. A few days later she kicked me out with another screaming fit. Then was pretending like she was going to take me back and be all lovey dovey. I didn't buy it. Not after I had been suckered for so long. She freaked out when she saw the retainer pa…
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/21 03:55 PM
2

Rent until the divorce is final.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/21 03:51 PM
1

Ah, so that's what happens when you evolve a Karen. What level was the Karen when it evolved?
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/21 03:50 PM
1

Soon as I'm out of the apartment I'm in, I'm going to get a cat. Can't wait to get in on that sweet, sweet pussy.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/21 04:16 PM
1

Frickin manipulation. You're right to be upset. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Kept me hanging on for years. It was only in the past year that I really caught on to it. If I was upset enough to leave, she'd turn on the sexy lovey and say that she was turned on by my emotional honesty and openness. Nope. It was all just manipulation. I've been there. This is exactly what's going on in your case.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/21 03:37 PM
1

Ah, maybe not by default. I asked to have it in there and nobody objected.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/21 03:24 PM
1

Not quite. They still have for 1/xth the length of the marriage, but also "until spouse marries or cohabitates, whichever comes sooner."
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/21 05:57 PM
12

That's hilarious that he moved in on the promise of her receiving alimony. Most of the time alimony agreements are "until this time or the recipient marries or cohabitates," thus him moving in would negate any of the potential benefit.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/21 04:35 PM
6

Know why I recommend to get a lawyer? Because I was planning on giving her about twice as much as she would have actually been entitled to and it would have been completely unfair to me, and my lawyer could tell me I was offering way too much without it feeling like it's just some buddy sympathizing with my plight.
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/21 03:43 PM
16

To continue this: See rule number one -- Never take legal advice from your STBX or her lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/21 07:15 PM
2

This is pretty similar to how Arizona does this. Custody is default 50/50 and it takes either one parent literally saying "I don't want that much custody" or actual proof of abuse or neglect for it to turn out any other way. Spousal support is capped at "what's the difference between their earning potential and their reasonable expenses?" and if that difference is greater than the greater-earning spouse's overhead, then the difference is split so they both have the same shortfall. Child support …
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/21 07:12 PM
2

You're not the assaulter, you're the victim. She may have even planned it and expected it to be that way -- attacking you with the full intention that you reflexively "hit" back and claiming you're an abuser for it.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/21 06:56 PM
1

Mine tried to pull stuff like that. When I didn't go for it, she changed to "you don't know how you're hurting the kids" when I enforce boundaries. Using the word "no" and ignoring anything that isn't actionable works wonders.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/21 04:14 PM
1

You can try, but you do that outside of mediation -- or you go nuclear in mediation and say "no I'm not signing any of this."
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/21 10:32 PM
3

Some critical aspects of mediation: It's not a time to negotiate. Don't expect quid-pro-quo exchanges. It's about hammering out things that you specifically agree on and taking them all off the table for negotiation. That is to say, if you want the car, and are willing to trade the piano for it, then if the mediator brings up "who gets the piano" and you express "I'll give up the piano if you let me have the car" and your wife says "I'll take the piano" then *poof* she gets the piano, but then t…
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/21 01:24 PM
1

If you've served her with papers already (please tell me you already served her) then you put in there that "all debts accumulated after date of service are the sole responsibility of the one who accumulated the debt." If so, she's only screwing herself. If not . . . shut off the card. Claim fraud.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/21 04:26 PM
1

I know every step on the vine. My sister in law didn't realize she was still friends with my stbx and she was freaked that my stbx might be planning something bad. She didn't send it directly to me, she sent it to my mom. None of them are crap-stirrers.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/21 08:00 PM
1

You don't know the half of it. If you're interested, check my profile.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/21 03:01 PM
3

Hard when the kids have all been taught that cleaning up without being told will get them yelled at when they're at mom's house, and I've got statements from my oldest kid that mom tells them to be bad for me.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/21 10:55 PM
2

Your playlist isn't complete without Another One Bites the Dust by Queen. How do you think I'm going to get along without you when you're gone. / You took me for everything that I had and kicked me out on my own / Are you happy are you satisfied? How long can you stand the heat? / Out of the doorway the bullets rip to the sound of the beat! There are plenty of ways that you can hurt a man and bring him to the ground / You can beat him you can cheat him you can treat him bad and leave him when he…
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/21 05:12 PM
1

I'd actually put my bet on her having done the deed before separating, and it's what drove the separation in the first place.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/21 07:17 PM
2

I'm guessing the deed was done even before separating.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/21 07:15 PM
6

Don't you dare frickin do the "pick me" dance. It never works in real life. You want her to "pick you," you work on yourself. You make yourself desirable, the kind of person that she was attracted to in the first place, and not some poor little sucker trying to prove that you love her. The "pick me" dance never works. The only thing that works is being attractive again. That's how you fight for your marriage. You work out. You pick up hobbies and start becoming "the most interesting man in the w…
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/21 01:35 AM
3

She's spending extravagantly? Probably blowing it on a new lover. And then crawling back since she can't keep the new lovers. She's trying to monkey branch but failed. She'll monkey branch again as soon as she can. I don't think you should consider reconciling. Ask for the alimony. Know your state's laws. In some states it's a fixed percentage of income, but in others they'll comb over expenses and compute how much you actually need to cover your shortfalls, and look over hers as well and decide…
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/21 01:31 AM
1

Time for your account to pull a Homer Simpson Backs Into Bushes meme. Poof it's gone, you're back with another one. At least yours isn't posting and messaging people pretending to be you . . . right? (Might want to check that. Mine did that).
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/21 03:33 AM
5

r/bpdlovedones
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/21 03:28 AM
3

Can you provide a link or an explanation? I looked it up and found nothing relevant.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/21 03:00 PM
1

Heh, in most states it doesn't matter if she's cheating. Period.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/21 02:58 PM
2

Not sure if you understand what I meant. When a con artist goes after someone, they're called a 'mark.' That's what I meant. Your wife is the con artist.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/21 03:01 PM
3

"mark" as in "person that a con artist identifies to be a victim."
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/21 07:12 PM
1

File the divorce. If she kills herself it's not your fault.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/21 07:06 PM
1

I started off feeling quite guilty. I started off offering much more than was fair to me and she was still being kind of a bitch about it, but I was the one with the lawyer and my lawyer told me I was being way too generous. The stbx is still trying to use guilt to get more out of me. I used to feel guilty, but now I realize I'm still being too generous. If she won't take the deal I'm offering, then we'll just see how it turns out.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/21 03:29 PM
2

Every MSA has a stipulation about the parents not disparaging each other Time for a bit of hilarious hypocrisy. I put together a settlement agreement and asked for her input. I put in a non-disparagement clause and she demanded that I take it out. I told her it was normal and I'm not imposing any due restrictions on her. She insisted that I take it out. My lawyer told me that even if the part that she agrees to doesn't have the clause in there, the final thing will have it in there regardless of…
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/21 06:08 PM
1

I wouldn't call that downside a downside -- that's just normal and expected.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/21 02:55 PM
2

Came here to say this. Yep, they can and will stipulate income according to what they're capable of earning as evidenced by what they were earning at their last job if extrapolated to full time.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/21 02:52 PM
2

In my case, it's because I was a big stupid teddy bear who was ready to give up waaaaay too much, and my lawyer helped me realize I was voluntarily screwing myself. The reduction in the amount I was going to pay in support alone was much more than the lawyer's fees, and the reduction in how much I was going to pay out in equity in my rental home is waaaaay more than that. Actually my stbx has been shooting herself in the foot lately and it looks like I've got a shot at full custody, and if she's…
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/21 03:57 PM
2

I don't know . . . I myself hit a lot of those signs and I was never cheating. I was just protecting myself because she was abusive.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/21 03:53 PM
6

Yes, document abusive or harassing behavior, file for a restraining order and call the cops if she violates it.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/21 03:31 PM
1

Slight correction: Responsibility without authority or compensation is slavery.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/21 09:08 PM
1

You can do it yourself. If your wife is relatively cooperative, you don't really need an attorney. It's probably a good idea to have an attorney review the agreement to make sure you're not getting screwed, but you don't necessarily need one to write things up. Where you need one is when you and your wife can't cooperate.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/21 09:06 PM
1

For me, I recognize that without having some free time, I have a lot of pent-up feelings that will be released in one way or another. I'm a better dad because I have some time away from the kids to do things I want and need to do. I'm realizing that more as my wife has been going off the deep end on her mental health issues and I more or less have full custody right now.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/21 08:21 PM
1

Really depends on what state you're in. Laws and practices regarding alimony vary dramatically, ranging from: Alimony is assigned according to need -- i.e. you are only entitled to your budget shortfalls Alimony is some fraction of the difference between your incomes Eligibility and amount are determined separately, and unless one of you pretty much nerfed his/her own career in order for the other to have a career there's no eligibility, and even if eligible the amount could end up being $0 if t…
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/21 03:34 PM
2

If my stbx and I were capable of cooperating enough to do nesting, we wouldn't be getting divorced in the first place.
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/21 03:26 PM
1

In Arizona it defaults to 50:50 unless there's some provable crap going on. With my provable crap I'm probably going to get full custody.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/21 10:51 PM
1

Arizona has been really good for me, especially compared to Utah. I can really only compare AZ vs UT because I've lived in both places. Custody AZ: Default is 50:50 and requires either one parent effectively forfeiting or a damn compelling reason to take custody from the other parent. UT: Default is "kids belong with mom" (and "mom" means whoever the stay-at-home parent was) and it requires a damn compelling reason for dad to get anything more than EOW. Alimony AZ: Unless there's some other comp…
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/21 10:50 PM
1

In Arizona it's just a two hour class all online on demand.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/21 10:28 PM
1

When did she do that, though -- if she did it after the papers were filed, of course she got dinged for it.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/21 04:10 PM
1

Which is why you need to sell it some time before the divorce is filed.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/21 04:10 PM
8

Even worse is when it's abusive, because it's just one more tool for the abuser to use against the victim. She triangulates the therapist against him.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/21 04:15 PM
2

Don't think about how much you'd save in legal fees by getting a discount lawyer. Think about how much the lawyer will get for you (or rather, prevent you from paying out).
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/21 05:16 AM
3

Name of that city checks out.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/21 05:12 AM
3

The fact that it hurts when they go for the groin is proof that you have balls.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/21 08:37 PM
7

This is exactly what's going on. She's trying to make it look like you're a bad dad who doesn't care about the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/21 08:34 PM
1

Yeah I'd just grey rock the crap out of that whole stream of messages. You can't fear what she says about you. The "YOU HAVE NO POWER HERE" meme. You don't have to answer to her.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/21 01:33 PM
3

How I would resolve it, starting from the beginning of your conversation with her: Her: In the summer holidays I wud like to ‘sleep train’ [YOUNGEST DAUGHTER - 5 y/o] to sleep EVERY night in her own bed alone. Me: K And then she'll probably go off on her big old tirade and I just don't respond any further. Grey rock that bitch. And then don't actually do anything.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/21 08:00 PM
4

Neville Chamberlain found that out the hard way back in your grandpa's day.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/21 07:46 PM
2

Don't try to change your mind. This is going to sound weird, but . . . focus on yourself. The first thing you need it protection. Get an attorney. Ask about recording -- whether the recording she's done is legal, whether you would be within your rights to record her, what you know she has recorded and what impact that could have. After that, don't worry about trying to save "the relationship." Work on yourself and your kids. Stop worrying about what she thinks. Take care of your own needs. She h…
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/21 07:35 PM
4

BIFF. Brief. Say as little as possible. Informative. If it's not who/what/when/where/why and something specific she needs to be aware of in order to act on it, don't say it. Friendly. If it's coming across as insulting, condescending or otherwise something a reasonable person could take offense at, leave it out or rephrase it until it isn't mean. Firm. Leave no wiggle room or ways to weasel out of understanding it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/21 06:45 AM
3

I've got burnout from it. It's not work burnout. Work is great. It's emotional burnout from ~12 years of emotional abuse, the last 2 years of which were excruciating (the previous 10 years it was going on but I just thought I was the problem -- i.e. the abuse was working as it was intended to). And that burnout spills into everything else.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/21 02:56 PM
1

That's pretty much everything most people have, and that looks pretty damn fair to me.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/21 02:54 PM
1

A Utah native who is going through a divorce right now, I now believe this is the true reason God sent me to Arizona. 50/50 is the default and if worse comes to worst it's a lot easier for me if I need to push the mental health route to take full custody.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/21 05:00 AM
-4

Go back to r/theredpill with this stuff. Still funny because it's relatable though.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/21 01:51 PM
2

because it seemingly puts all the blame on her (as I'm not entirely a saint here) Dude, that's part of narcissistic abuse -- making you feel like the offender.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/21 04:10 PM
1

Get the papers filed. Don't say a thing. Prepare all the necessary documentation quietly -- the status of all your accounts, value of all your assets, proof that she's cheating/abusive/whatever. This is for everyone's protection. Once the papers are filed, that creates a preliminary injunction -- she can't rack up an assload of credit card debt or spend all your joint money or sell your car for nothing just to spite you, because it can be clawed back.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/21 04:08 PM
2

Don't talk to her on the phone. Just text. This automatically documents everything.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/21 01:59 AM
1

Check your state laws; if it's one-party consent, then get a voice-activated recorder (VAR) which has immutable recording and time-stamps everything. If it's two-party consent, then insist on zero in-person or on-the-phone contact, and have contact only through text or email, so that all contact is documented. Simply keeping a journal of your conversations isn't good enough. It's easy to lie about what was said.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/21 01:59 AM
5

I actually had a scenario similar to yours. I didn't make all the right moves when it happened, because -- much like you -- getting a divorce wasn't on my mind. She knocked me over on the stairs, got my phone and destroyed it (I was recording her trying to destroy my son's game system). I found the shattered phone the next morning. My coworkers noticed I was distraught and I told them what happened. They all advised me to file a police report. So I did. Then when I went home after work, she had …
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/21 01:54 AM
3

From Into the Woods: "The greatest prize will often lie at the end of the thorniest path."
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/21 05:46 PM
3

She filed? Screw that. Just finish the job. The whole filing thing was her pulling the nuclear option to manipulate you. The push-pull is a way of manipulating you. The only thing to do now is to disengage.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/21 04:40 AM
1

Did you already try putting the work into yourself? I can promise you, unless you're putting the work into yourself anyway, divorce is not a magic pill that will cure jack shit. But maybe it'll let you finally hit rock bottom so that you finally realize that you have to put work into yourself, and if that's what it takes, then great. Now if your wife were an abusive harpy who's been subtly sabotaging every attempt you've ever made to improve yourself, isolating you from having a network of frien…
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/21 04:29 AM
3

You put work into yourself in order to become attractive again. That's all there is to it. And if your wife becomes attracted to you again, you win. If she doesn't, and instead pushes you away because you're "selfish" for doing things for yourself, it'll get easier to split up. Either way, by putting work into yourself, you win. Don't go for the divorce first. Go for happiness first. If your wife won't let you have the happiness, then you go for the divorce. The divorce won't magically make you …
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/21 10:29 PM
6

and finances Only division of assets, not income.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/21 02:08 PM
3

My stbx: "I'm just trying to do what's best for the kids! That's why I'm asking for so much!" Also my stbx: *ignores the kids, doesn't get them to do homework or chores or brush teeth or have friends, discourages them from having hobbies*
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/21 02:07 PM
2

If she lost her job through anything but something that renders her "unable to work," her income is imputed at whatever she was making. If it's her own choices that led her to lose her income, then she's SOL if she tries to go for more.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/21 04:43 PM
1

Mood stabilizers. She needs them.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/21 08:44 PM
2

Oh boy... She wanted twice as much as I was offering in alimony, which in turn was twice as much as my lawyer thought it would end up as in trial. So she . . . threatened to use the PNES I had last year against me to claim it would be unsafe for my kids to be around me (look up PNES, that's how bad the emotional abuse was) -- didn't work because my lawyer already told me it's a non-issue Threatened to tell everybody what exactly I was offering her because it would make me look bad (LOL I told ev…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/21 01:09 PM
2

Robert A. Glover
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/21 12:45 PM
10

You need to put that lamp up by the window so everyone can see it. It's a major award! And this time you've got no wife to use up all the glue on purpose!
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/21 03:34 PM
2

generally accept my life as meaningful and content without a woman And interestingly enough, that's a critical part of what will attract a good woman.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/21 03:23 PM
2

My experience: "Helicopter Co-parenting".
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/21 04:34 AM
10

Book recommendation for you: No More Mr. Nice Guy. Giving your "everything" to her and keeping none for yourself is exactly the problem. I'm not going to sit here and victim-blame, and when you read the book, you'll probably feel a little guilt or shame because it'll suggest that giving her everything is what led to your unhappiness and quite possibly her discarding you. I'm mentioning this specifically to tell you don't blame yourself. Use the advice for next time. From now on, you won't be tre…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/21 04:33 AM
3

You absolutely don't have to pay huge monetary amounts and wage war It takes two cooperating to make the cheap, painless divorce happen. It's when one side is being utterly unreasonable and impossible to negotiate something equitable that you need a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/21 04:20 AM
9

I tell you what, my soon-to-be ex-wife used to read everything I posted, just looking for ammo to argue with. Changed accounts but still active on the other one so she's still on the trail of my other hobbies.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/21 04:17 AM
5

I'm still in the super awkward phase. I used to prefer not to talk about it because I figure: Nobody would believe it, because it's genuinely the stuff of WTFitude I've got no interest in running a smear campaign. Anybody who has to deal with her, I don't want to turn them against her. But now I'm reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and wondering if my whole motivation is about controlling what people think of me -- that I'm afraid people will think I'm a narcissist on a smear campaign if they hear t…
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/21 01:06 AM
2

I especially love the part where he says nobody watches the actual video of the kids dancing. He suggests "take literally one second of video of the kids, then like 20 minutes recording your own asshole." The comments will be all like "oh what a cute kid! I see a future star!"
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/21 02:29 PM
1

The deal you want? Totally fair -- it'd be a frickin' fantasy if my stbx were asking for what you want. I'd even offer to pay you enough to cover your basic minima for long enough for you to get a career-track job. What he wants? Bah. Not fair.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/21 02:25 PM
0

It's because they're older, and older people in general have more money than younger people. None of what u/SweatySpecialist said is relevant to that. Older generations had their idiots that they looked up to as well. We just don't recognize them because idiots are always time bound and only the greatest are timeless. For every Plato there were a thousand idiots whose name history doesn't remember, because while they may have had enormous influence on the local culture they had none on the next …
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/21 05:39 AM
1

Depends. Were you together when you bought the house? If so, it's half her house. Did you have an agreement before marriage that you'd have separate money? If not, then half the money you made while you were together is hers, including the money that went to make payments on the house. Is there a way to lessen the burden? Well, if the house is worth less, then that's less equity that she's entitled to. But don't be a scumbag and ruin the house's value, that's just evil.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/21 05:34 AM
2

That's a different picture for someone who's 54 -- that's only 10 more years of having an "earned" income.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/21 10:43 PM
3

Don't you dare.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/21 10:42 PM
3

Similar situation here, stbx has been a SAHM for 10 years, but has a bachelor's degree in a hard science (but not really an in demand science). The state will have some hidden guidelines somewhere about imputed income, but full time equivalent minimum wage is generally where it starts. My lawyer advised me that a judge would probably impute her income at the minimum because of the work history gap. It looks like we're going to settle rather than even go to mediation or trial. What we're settling…
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/21 03:23 PM
1

States like that need to have an official legal separation status that is just about as good as a divorce in terms of court-enforced guaranteed access to kids and protection from dissolving assets -- the only difference between "separation" and divorce as we know it being that you just can't get married again until there's a divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/21 03:34 PM
2

Chamber of Secrets.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/21 02:39 AM
2

Hehe, my STBX actually went for 50/50 custody immediately, and made "my week" with the kids start literally the day after getting my crap moved in to my apartment, no time to unwind or shop for stuff. I think it was all about trying to throw me off balance. What she doesn't understand is that my ability to balance is like Michael Jackson with his signature leaning dance move.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/21 01:13 PM
2

Nobody ends up thinking spousal support is fair. The one paying always thinks it's too much, the one receiving always thinks it's not enough. I'm in AZ, where child support is literally just a calculator that you redo any time the situation changes substantially (i.e. a job change with a pay bump from either spouse) and it always is done that way so at least nobody complains (I mean complains in such a way that people go to court over what the amount should be).
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/21 01:09 PM
1

So I guess even CA isn't as hellscapy for father's rights as some people on this sub think the whole USA is. Excellent. How'd you make out on division of property and alimony/spousal support?
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/21 12:28 AM
3

Where do you live? That will make all the difference. In a lot of places 50/50 is the default and you don't need to make any pleading at all -- the one who has to plead is the one who wants something other than 50/50. But if you're in Utah, California or Texas, the default assumption is "man always bad, only give man 50/50 if woman is heap bad woman" and it takes special pleading just to get 50/50.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/21 05:05 PM
3

There's a difference between letting out emotion -- "I feel like I'm being torn apart and it feels so unfair" -- and whining -- "all women are evil and out to get you and the US government is in on it." I'm all for letting out emotion. That actually makes you stronger, not weaker. If you think men are screwed by alimony and child support, try being a stay at home mom and getting a divorce -- without the prospect of those things existing at least on a temporary basis, it's "sorry, you're out on y…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/21 05:31 AM
2

I can point to an awful lot of whiners here, and specific whines. Take a close look at the sidebar, and anything that violates the "what this sub is not" guideline is whining. I'll start by saying that I'm here because I'm a man going through a divorce right now, and I appreciate seeing the experiences of other men going through divorce. It's not an easy thing, and it's incredibly tempting to take the "black pill" and just start saying that anything and everything is a conspiracy against you, mi…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/21 08:11 PM
3

Yeah I think that's going to be my move. Set a trial date first, then go to mediation. But then, she's bizarrely confident that a judge would give her whatever she's asking for, and that the judge would hold me in contempt over our communications (you should see it -- massive walls of texts loaded with emotional abuse, threats of the nuclear variety, admission of her physical abuse with "you deserved it," etc.) My lawyer thinks the judge would only award her half of what I'm offering. She says s…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/21 07:31 PM
2

Why I've got my lawyer backing me up. Got explicit language in the offers saying essentially this is take it or leave it, if we're going to negotiate then this isn't the starting point, the starting point is zero.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/21 05:39 PM
1

similar to other states Maybe on lawyer websites, but in actual practice they'll end up imputing a stay-at-home parent's income at a state minimum guideline, extrapolate a part-time-working parent's income to full time, etc. and the decision of 15% to 30% of the breadwinner's income -- after imputing the lower-earning spouse's income -- depends on need, where if they have more assets that either provide income or reduce mortgage/debt expenses then that reduces the amount. And in reality the vast…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/21 05:35 PM
2

I thought what I offered was a good middle ground. Guess we'll see what the mediator says. In any case she's treating me like I'm some kind of evil mastermind for not just giving her what she wants.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/21 05:28 PM
2

Nope, it depends on state laws and it's typically awarded when the spouse's incomes are not anywhere close to equal.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/21 04:32 PM
3

Good to hear a story that isn't ceaseless whining about how unfair the whole process is to men. I'm happy for you that everything seems to have worked out ok. I'm just a few steps behind, negotiating spousal maintenance. What she wants is nowhere near reasonable -- I'm offering pretty much twice what my lawyer said a judge would give, and she's demanding twice as much as I'm offering and saying that I'm being unreasonable.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/21 04:30 PM
1

Should be? Sure, but it's the individual states' prerogative.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/21 04:22 PM
1

I'm going through it right now, so maybe my own story is too good to be true?
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/21 04:22 PM
2

Wow, that's so evil. I love it, maybe I'll do that!
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/21 03:13 PM
2

My stbx and I before I moved out bought our oldest daughter a laptop so she could have something consistent between homes. We share custody 50/50. We figured we could keep in touch during off-weeks with Skype. Within the first two weeks I caught the Skype text conversation and her mom is just using her to spy on me, wanting minute-by-minute notes about what I was doing. I shut that down with a conversation with my daughter about appropriate boundaries. She never felt comfortable with it but had …
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/21 03:12 PM
1

That knee-jerk overreaction will do worse than isolate children from innocent fathers -- it'll end up killing more children with abusive moms who played the "victim" in court to get custody. False accusations are one of the worst forms of abuse. Making them easier to get away with enables abuse.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/21 06:05 AM
1

State governments. The US government has nothing to do with it. And it's not all state governments that are retarded. Some of them are incredibly even-handed. Arizona, for example: Defaults to 50/50 custody, only varies from that if one parent is drastically unfit (as in has an arrest record) or if one parent says "nah I don't want the kids." And on the arrest record thing, you file a DV claim and somebody gets arrested -- if you're a man and your woman hits you, it'll be the woman who gets arre…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/21 06:03 AM
2

If they don't, they probably have codependent tendencies, which are worse. What's important is balance. I am important to myself, but I don't necessarily need to be important enough to other people to make them drop everything for me. I am skilled and talented at some things but humble enough to know there's room to improve. I also know that there are valuable things to do that I'm not good at, and I'm humble enough to be willing to learn those things as I need them rather than avoid them as bei…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/21 05:53 AM
1

My stbx has undiagnosed PPD (pretty sure it's PPD and not NPD or BPD even though they've all got some pretty similar behavior patterns). Believe me, you're not doing yourself or your kids any favors waiting six years. Tick tock. The best time to do it was as soon as you realized something was truly wrong. The second best time to do it is right fucking now. Make your move. Silently. Covertly. Figure out if there's a way you could pay the retainer for a lawyer without getting caught (my PPD stbx r…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/21 05:43 AM
0

The US Government has a lot less to do with it than you think. It's individual state governments. A lot of them are ass backwards like Texas and California where it's all "screw the man, he'll take it up the ass and will barely complain!" And then you've got Arizona, which on the subject of alimony, they're like "what's that? Never heard of it. Let's look at the woman's bills, force-sell stuff in division of property and see how god-damn low we can make those bills if we pay off all the things, …
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/21 05:32 AM
6

Remembering a story I heard a long time ago. I don't remember all the details, just that it was two women first talking about all the things they were doing. New fingernails, bleaching and getting extensions for hair, breast implants, butt implants, bleaching of parts that are naturally red, eye color changing contacts, eyelash extensions, etc. Then they went on complaining about the men they were married to until one of them finally said "I just wish he'd be real with me!" Yeah, you've got fake…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/21 05:14 AM
3

#ThanosDidNothingWrong
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/21 05:10 AM
5

Ah yes, putting up all the decorations you've always wanted but the ex-wife wouldn't let you do while you were still together.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/21 05:09 AM
1

Yes, my kids are totally predictable (not)
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/21 04:36 AM
1

Eh, that depends on the state. It used to be that way across the whole country, but a lot of states have gotten with the times and family research and are now all-in on father's rights: Default custody arrangement is 50/50 and the only times it's not that way is if one parent is provably unfit or one parent doesn't want more than weekends or visitation. The term "alimony" is stricken and "spousal maintenance" is temporary and assessed according to needs rather than according to what the higher-e…
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/21 06:06 AM
4

A lawyer will be able to answer all your questions. Most of this depends on the state and on the judge. The totally ideal thing would be if you could have a collaborative divorce where you just both sign papers saying you agree on who gets what and it's all done, but given that she's chosen the asshole route that's probably not going to happen. I don't know what'll happen about community property what with your finances having been separate for a year. It'd be great if they counted your payments…
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/21 05:58 AM
1

You don't get the same benefits with a short-term relationship as you get with a long-term one.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/21 01:48 PM
-1

So . . . this sub is less about helping men with issues they face during a divorce, and more about being a place for incels to whine about how they think society is so unfair for them, and the sidebar about how this sub isn't anti-women or anti-marriage is a lie. Right?
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/21 01:24 PM
2

There's no point. What you can and should do is help set up expectations about what a mother is supposed to do, based on the things you do for him. Make the split. And when her place becomes a total garbage pit and his life an absolute shitshow when he's over there, he'll see the difference.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/21 06:03 AM
3

Bilbo Baggins meme. After all, why not? Why shouldn't I multitrack record myself singing songs I wrote and post them on YouTube? Get myself a good PC and start livestreaming my video game sessions? Bake a huge batch of awesome cookies and share them with my neighbors? Hit the f$#@ out of the gym and get totally ripped? Buy a tiny house in the middle of nowhere, rent out the big one in the expensive suburbs and retire at 45? Throw the wedding ring into a pool of lava?
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/21 07:22 PM
0

Eh, being married has a lot of great benefits to it, as long as you're not with the wrong person. But change it to "At least you're not married to my (stbx/ex) wife" and that's a perfect upside.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/21 07:17 PM
3

There's a chance. Eventually he'll get over it. But I wouldn't count on it happening on your kind of timetable.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/21 07:16 PM
1

Yeah 50/50 custody. I mean it's also 50/50 jointly-held property split but that's not a negative.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/21 01:47 PM
2

Arizona is pretty good for men. Being married 16 years is going to work against you no matter what, as that's "long duration" pretty much everywhere including Arizona. But spousal support amounts are really small compared to commiefornia as are durations, and the default is 50/50 with the wife needing a damn compelling reason not to give you 50/50 (i.e. known proven drug addiction or abuse).
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/21 05:04 PM
3

Why bother? Anyone who matters to him who was paying attention at the time already knows; she nuked herself with all that. No need to stoop to her level.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/21 06:13 AM
3

advice on fighting the alimony and child support BS The initial division of property is permanent. Anything you don't get in that, it's gone forever. Custody is changeable over time, but it can be a long and expensive process and any custody that you give up can be twisted to take even more custody away from you. Alimony and child support are more fluid. Usually any order is pretty well stuck for a year, but if there's a substantial change in circumstances then those orders aren't that hard to c…
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/21 06:12 AM
2

My STBX was a religious abuser. It was part and parcel of her psychological abuse strategy. And she was really good at arguing and making me feel like a bad person. For a while she successfully convinced me that I had lost touch with God while we were still married. The whole thing was about her possibly-schizophrenic paranoid fantasies. I couldn't believe her when she said people were breaking in and stealing random crap only to return it later, so she attacked my faith in God over it. I had a …
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/21 06:06 AM
2

I think the only thing to really do is communicate that sometimes things are going to remind you of your ex and that there are a lot of things that you've been stuck with that you don't know if they're normal.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/21 05:47 AM
2

Sounds like she's a narcissist, and what she's doing right now is the "smear campaign." Don't bother responding. The only thing faster than the speed of light is the speed of Bull$#@+. There's no need to respond because it's Bull$#@+ and it will eventually come out just from you being who you are.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/21 03:21 PM
11

A sign that I haven't truly moved on is that everything is done in context of how it used to be with the ex. I'm still thinking "heh, my ex would be furious with the way I'm doing the laundry and dishes." I'm still thinking "heh, my ex would never allow me to do that." When I'm having a conversation I'm thinking about what my ex would say in this situation (never something good). When I'm on a date (I haven't started dating yet, just hypothetically) I'm thinking that I'm happy because my date is…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/21 01:22 PM
2

Oh I've got recordings of verbal meltdowns, records of meltdowns in texts, photos of the modifications she made to the house in her paranoia (or rather that she demanded that I make), proof of the absurd paranoid claims that she makes. She also has an arrest for DV assault on the record. She's confident that a judge would agree with her on everything and award her even more than she's asking for. She's trying to intimidate me. It's not working. Actually last night she threatened a "nuclear" opti…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/21 01:05 PM
2

The time to fight it was as soon as it turned physically abusive. In my case it was rather fortunate that she decided to assault me, leaving a scratch and a shattered phone as evidence, because it made it possible to go to the police. She was arrested and now has that on her record, and the judge ordered no contact which meant I had the kids full time for a month. That was a good thing for me because prior to that she was saying she'd just take the kids and run off and I'd never see them. Now th…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/21 01:50 PM
1

I might suspect that r/Divorce is enough support for women wanting or going through divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/21 05:46 PM
4

Here's the script that they read from: That didn't happen. But if it did, it wasn't that bad. But if it was, it isn't a big deal. But if it is, it wasn't their fault. But if it was, they didn't mean it. But if they did, you deserved it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/21 05:39 PM
1

Don't get married if you're not ready. Consider whether or not it's something in your future. You're not locked in.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/21 02:20 PM
1

Women Narcissists do not take responsibility for their actions and do not hold themselves accountable FTFY
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/21 02:14 PM
-1

Takes some serious victim complex to think that an entire government is waging war on you.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/21 02:56 PM
0

Just because it didn't work out the way you wanted it to, doesn't mean it wasn't fair.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/21 05:15 PM
1

I see a lot of posts from people with some real loser mentality.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/21 05:15 PM
0

Read the sidebar. This sub is not: Pro-divorce Anti-marriage
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/21 06:19 PM
6

Yeah that's the real issue. If I'm making more, it's fine to pay a bit more in spousal support. The problem is if the court system decides that this extra bit of money is "you can make more money, so we're going to make you pay as if you are always making this money."
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/21 06:18 PM
2

Yeah, seriously on that: stopped me from giving away too much out of guilt I'm still giving away too much out of guilt but it's less than half of what my stbx and I originally talked about.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/21 02:57 PM
1

She's got addictions? Prove it and file for full custody.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/21 02:54 PM
1

I could live with a situation like yours right now. If your biggest problem is that you wish your wife "did more" then that's not all that big of a problem, and even if you got absolutely everything and didn't lose anything financially you wouldn't necessarily be better off getting a divorce. Odds are getting into a new relationship would mean you'd get screwed in all the same ways later. I cut loose from mine because it was an abusive situation. I'd have been super happy to just have a roommate…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/21 06:12 PM
1

She's the sole cause of the failure. She owes me.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/21 03:44 PM
1

My response to the premise: If you think it's such a sacrifice to get into a relationship and you're not already getting more out of it than you put in, why the hell are you getting into the relationship in the first place?
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/21 03:44 PM
0

Don't just look at the surface stats. Gotta look a little deeper, because it varies a lot. On average, #2 marriages end more frequently than #1 marriages and in a shorter time, but there are a lot of factors. Mormons, for instance, have a lot lower #2 marriage divorce rates than everyone else, for a variety of reasons.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/21 03:38 PM
2

My gut sympathizes with your gut. It doesn't help that I love to bake. It helps me feel better. (I'm always giving a substantial part of the results to the neighbors because there's no way my kids' and my stomachs can keep up).
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/21 03:35 PM
6

Rule Number One of divorce: Never take advice from your stbx or their lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/21 11:19 PM
2

Don't know the process in Canada, but if it's anything like the United States, you'll file a petition for dissolution (divorce) and it will be processed and your wife will be served with the petition. Divorce is unilateral -- if either party wants to divorce, it will happen eventually -- but before it becomes final you will have to determine how you will divide up all your jointly-held property, debts and access to / guardianship of your children. If you can't agree then you may end up with a me…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/21 06:32 PM
3

I'm going through a situation with a fair amount of similarity, though not with drug use or excessive spending. Just the mental health problems, ultra-high conflict and all those threats. Can't help you with finding a lawyer in Mooseland, just look for ones with experience dealing with BPD, NPD or other Cluster B disorders. She makes the threats to gain or maintain power, but she doesn't actually have that power if you don't give in to her threats. Get the papers filed as quick as possible. The …
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/21 04:33 PM
1

Your problem: Not enough butter, and probably no egg. Coming from a guy who bakes for catharsis.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/21 03:37 PM
2

See the sidebar. What this sub is not: Pro-divorce Anti-women Anti-marriage Anti-family
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/21 04:42 PM
1

Couldn't tell you how much you'll pay in spousal support or how long. Depends on the state. In this situation if she can afford to live by herself, they might not award anything at all. The court may rule that she's capable of working full time and thus any awards of support will be calculated on extrapolating her income to full-time. Or you may be in an area where they're total dickwads to men and just award her a full third of your income and rule that she's not actually able to work. Whoever …
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/21 04:29 PM
1

Alimony isn't a punishment. It's about making sure that the lesser-earning spouse has a financial "way out" of a marriage. Financial abuse is common -- "stay with me through all my bad behavior or you end up in the poor house" -- and the government doesn't want them to turn into yet another welfare case. And unless the marriage is "of long duration" (usually over 15 years) it's almost always temporary, just long enough for an out-of-work spouse to get up to speed and back into the workforce. How…
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/21 06:41 PM
2

The big issue isn't dissolution of the contract. The big issues are dividing up property and enforcing access to kids, and that's still a big issue even when it's a breakup of non-married cohabitants. And if you sign contracts beforehand that pre-define what you each get, then divorce is easy.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/21 01:30 PM
1

Worst case scenario is that alimony is 1/3rd of the difference between your incomes, paid for 1/2 of the duration of your marriage, unless that marriage was over 15 years long because then you can expect it to last for quite a bit longer. But in most states it is typically substantially less than that. If your wife is a relatively unreasonable person and you expect a lot of conflict over stuff, a good lawyer will probably cost you less than what you might expect to save over the next few years. …
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/21 01:26 PM
2

If you've got a lawyer, they'll figure out what's reasonable. Absolute best case scenario for you is you get 1/3rd of the difference, which would be $20k/yr, but only in some states. Most states it'd be less than half that, and some with you at $60k you'd get nothing. Most states they determine who has "custody" not by who has them for all their waking hours, but by who has them overnights. Child support will probably be determined by a calculator.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 10:21 PM
2

Your basic instinct is going to be to harden yourself against your ex-wife. Don't give in to that instinct. You're also going to try to cover it up by forcing good experiences. That's unsustainable. What's a little bit ironic is that the solution is actually going to be to let yourself be more vulnerable. The fact that you're recognizing the bitterness is a good start to it.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 04:44 PM
3

She doesn't need to sign the divorce papers. Divorce is unilateral, only one person needs to want it and file for it. She doesn't have any power to exact what she's demanding. She's using the threat to try and control you. Basically, what she's proposing is that you get nothing except another expense. There's basically no consideration at all. I know this sub is supposed to hate lawyers as shown in the sidebar, but you need a serious reality check on what constitutes "fair" and a lawyer can do t…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 04:40 PM
1

Your pastor is kind of a moron. I'mma slap a little sense into you too. The fact that you're "on the fence" about it means you've been duped and manipulated into thinking that this is somehow your fault, and that it's normal. That's even worse than the cheating. This is not a woman you married. This is a snake. Get off the fence. She will keep on biting you and injecting you with venom until you have a solid fence safely between you.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 09:46 PM
2

Even better, they can have the contrast of a happy vs miserable home so that they know better how to avoid making their own home miserable.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 09:40 PM
3

One thing you may be neglecting in all this very good stuff in terms of taking care of yourself, is the opportunity to actually let it out and cry your eyes out.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/21 09:39 PM
4

Or rather, 10 ways your ex might hide money from you during divorce. Seriously, don't hide money during the divorce. Don't be a dick. If you suspect your wife is hiding money, hire a professional forensic accountant to go through and figure out where she's hiding it. Don't hide it yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 03:16 PM
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