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HotCut100 Archive

View 0 posts and 157 comments by HotCut100 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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7

A fairly similar situation here. I knew what the outcome was going to be, but I refused to be the one to call the marriage. The counseling was for her to present a show that she tried, but really it was about me forcing her to say that she couldn’t stay in the marriage. I don’t know why, but that was important for me to get her to actually admit to, despite not admitting to all of the things that I had evidence for and was hinting at. Which all of course made her freak out since I wouldn’t revea…
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/26 04:44 AM
1

To be clear, you don’t need counseling to maintain a healthy relationship for the kids. If your communication is or has been effective, then you may just be wasting time. I’m not sure that a counselor is going to agree to try and convince her to do one thing or the other. But if you feel like it will help get you down the path on your plan, then go for it. You know her better than us.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/26 04:22 AM
2

Begone Thot. This is a supportive community and your trash opinions and baseless attacks have no place here.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/26 12:07 AM
6

Agree with the rest, if she’s hanging out with divorced friends till one in the morning, she likely did in fact go out for a drink or two, but the divorced friend knew that their engagement was only gonna last for an hour, and it was really a cover to meet up with someone else. If she talked about an affair, she’s testing the waters, and she might be in the mindset that maybe you two could put on a front and “open the marriage“ so she can go have her fun and have you being the Knight and shining…
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/26 11:26 PM
1

Damn, that would make me switch jobs or at least employers.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/26 11:08 PM
3

To answer your question, no I don’t think we are the outliers. We’re the ones that have discovered the hard truth through the complete upending of our lives. The folks you run into in your personal life may be happily married. But remember, you thought you were happily married for a while - until you weren’t. The common refrain for most of us is getting blindsided or being gaslit for so long that we spiral into a mental health crisis, not of our own making. Now, of course, there are some folks h…
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/26 11:06 PM
4

That’s some impressive blame the victim game you’re playing. I don’t care who you are and what you treat people like, there is no excuse for cheating. If she wants to step out on the marriage, she can be a big girl and say that and move on. It takes a special kind of scumbag to resort to cheating instead of dealing with the situation you are in.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/26 11:02 PM
5

I believe you will find declining marriage rates in the US as well. This explains the declining divorce rate in both scenarios.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 09:10 PM
13

Nah, Chief. You are OWED support from her. Your calculations and you’re thinking are just wrong. It’s probably because you’re still in shock and spiraling, which is going to last probably a year. But that doesn’t mean you need to make incredibly foolish shortsighted decisions in the meantime. You need to consult a lawyer right now. Throw out everything that you think that you said and listen to their advice. Because they’re going to tell you that as the stay-at-home parent and non-breadwinner yo…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/26 03:20 PM
2

Grey rock method and scorched earth policy, but be strategic. Anyone who says you shouldn’t do that for the children, I would definitely question if they’ve gone through a high conflict scenario, especially when the silver bullet has been fired. Your job is to fight tooth and nail for your fair share so that you can be a present and supportive single father to your kids. Read that last sentence again. You are going to be a single father and you need to be thinking like that through every one of …
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/26 10:10 PM
1

Here is my standard response. Adapt as you need. I absolutely feel you on the nitpicking, nagging, and critiques. Not enough people admitted or say it but the level of mental distress this causes as you experience it every day can send you into a spiral of depression. No matter, if it causes strife in the home, you have to put a stop to it, and it’s your boundaries that will do it. Whether it’s walking away when she does it, cutting her off and telling her you will no longer tolerate that treatm…
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/26 05:07 PM
8

Not on my phone, but since I can search through the Photos app better on my laptop by events and person, yes, I hid every single one of them. If it was a family photo, I debated what to do with it based off of how prominent she was in it. Many times the more recent photos had her on the outskirts so I simply cropped her out. The physical photos I kept up for about a year and simply replace them with the holiday photos that we normally take that were just me and the kids or my extended family. I …
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/26 12:25 AM
22

If she truly is a narcissist, do not tell her at all. This is the thing that you bring to your lawyer and strategize about when it is most effective to bring it up in the court process. You also have to think about how this affects your oldest. If they are close to the age of 18, it probably works out well for a child support negotiation, and alimony adjustment. Again, this is information you keep to yourself until the absolute most strategic beneficial moment. Telling her gives you no benefit a…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/26 03:28 PM
1

That part about not being worse than most other couples, you need to really rethink that. Her willingness to kick you out and try and take your phone and manipulate you and throw things at you takes you out of the most other couples category by a lot. I really hope you are considering how much of an offensive you need to go on. As you read through this sub read, you will see that men in the California legal system do not typically fare well. You have been given a gift and have the ability to do …
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/26 05:11 PM
5

OP, you don’t see it now, but this is a gift for you and your children. First off, you are living with abuse. Judging by the reaction of her brother and family members, this is a pathological familial issue that you are not going to change by being nice. From this point forward, you are responsible for you and your children alone. Fast-forward to the end of the process, the judge is going to be looking at stability for the children, and that means they stay in the house with you and you alone. I…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/26 05:09 PM
9

Hold off. The wife of the cheater absolutely deserves to know, but you need to be strategic. Just because the divorce is getting settled next week doesn’t mean the equity issue gets settled. There’s a lot she could do to screw you over there. So my recommendation would be to wait until that equity check is in hand. In the meantime, gather evidence of the affair and stockpile, then do work on yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally. You may feel differently in a year when you get that equi…
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 04:35 PM
13

Revenge porn is a crime in most jurisdictions now. Putting her on notice may cause her to cover her tracks more, but making sure the lawyer has it as back up ammo would be good.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/26 12:44 AM
3

Stay at home dad means that you don’t have any form of income in my mind. Or at least there’s a huge income disparity. This means you consult with a lawyer and she has to pay for it. There’s typically a court order involvement. You need to get the idea out of your head that she loves you and that you should care for her. I realize that 20 years is a long time to change muscle memory, but for your future and the future of your kids, you have to do this. 20 years in many places means you get lifet…
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/26 06:11 PM
3

Damn. Sorry man. If you can, try getting her to get a job again and mandate separate finances, but hit her with her required monthly contribution. Make it clear to her because of these unilateral decisions that set you all back years multiple times that from this point forward her retirement and future building is on her. If she can demonstrate 10 years of responsible growth then you can talk about combining retirement plans (just the plans, not the funds). If she can’t see the path forward that…
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 07:26 PM
1

FYI, California with a 25 year marriage you are looking at lifetime alimony. Not sure you can negotiate that out. Maybe get a lump sum agreement.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 10:35 PM
3

Damn, man. Did you DNA test the youngest at least?
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/26 10:31 PM
3

Help me understand why you are communicating openly with this individual? They can’t read and don’t understand? That is a representation problem and not yours. Bottom line - get them kids and take care of them.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/26 03:14 AM
3

I did. The assessment of equity was contentious but I sacrificed to keep it for my kids as they were both born and raised in the house. I tried to give them as much stability as possible. If no kids, I would have demanded the sale as is and we would have walked. Really depends on your kid status and age. Sounds like you are older with no kids so retirement security is a thing.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/26 05:44 PM
1

FYI, that is not love. Love is pure two way exchange. You have a nurturing desire to help people in need. You have been doing that for her, not with her, for years. What you are talking about is your good nature and muscle memory. Get counseling to understand yourself and your situation.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/26 05:35 PM
13

Seriously? How many different ways can she use you and you just take it? She’s gotten her dose of reality and if you put her in front of your kids, you will damage the three best things that you have. Finalize the paperwork and leave her to work it out.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/26 02:35 PM
1

Kid exchange maybe?
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/26 09:01 PM
3

Pizza, meatloaf, turkey. Anything else?
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/26 08:42 PM
6

Are you new here?
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/26 03:44 AM
12

Her dog, her cost. The judge is going to look at asset splitting and child support. Although with that income disparity, you might be eligible for spousal maintenance. Don’t be too proud to push for that. If the rules were reversed, she wouldn’t hesitate.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/26 05:18 AM
2

Fight for what is yours, but remember that divorce is expensive and the best investment you will make. If your finances are joint then it might be useful to bring up as a negotiating point but it sounds like the numbers are small enough that it may just equal out in the equity payment that can be adjusted up in your favor.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 05:30 PM
3

First off, the child is not in school so that is going to free her to pick up and move at a moments notice if she wanted. You need to preemptively file right now. You need to clearly state in your filing that you are staying in the marital home, it is the only one the child has known, you should petition to be the custodian, and you need to establish a parenting plan where you are recognized as the primary caretaker. This will prevent her legally from picking up with the kid and moving to anothe…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/26 09:47 PM
4

Until it goes away for all, take what you are owed under the law.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/26 01:02 AM
8

A couple of things. Yes you are young and as such you focus on some things that are inevitable as time marches on. Dinging people that are middle aged on their weight or whatever is a bit hilarious as life (health, accidents, etc.) happens and there is nothing anyone can do about it. But you go ahead and judge them as a point in time issue. I don’t think you are entirely wrong on the U.S. women thing. I think a good part of it is the consumerism and capitalist society that the US has built and p…
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/26 10:36 PM
2

Absolutely.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 06:53 PM
2

Dude, this is just taking up space in your mind that you don’t have. Unless you’re in an asphalt state it means nothing and should change. Nothing for how you approach the divorce. Get yourself a lawyer figure out what is fair and don’t budge from that. Whether she was doing it while you were married or not means nothing when it comes to the business of a divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/26 03:43 AM
9

Let’s just say for discussion sake she’s open to it. You realize that you’re putting yourself into a groveling type position to try and get back with her. Even in the short term, if she has her heart strings tugged on, she’s not gonna respect you long-term. If she did, we wouldn’t be talking about two years of separation and getting her final load of stuff. It’s over. Sign those papers and start your new life without thinking about her. Time and tides, man.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/26 03:58 AM
1

That is a great ending quote and thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/26 01:45 AM
7

Given your age difference, consider not meeting the kids. You two are different places, and there is likely a form of power differential. Deeply consider if you are wanting something long-term or simply casual.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 10:11 PM
30

Don’t tell her, get a lawyer in secret, get all your evidence and paperwork ready to serve, do not leave the family home under any circumstances, get self protection methods ready like recording devices or a body camera should you need them to prevent false accusations. When your lawyer tells you everything is ready, file and push for everything that you can possibly hope for. That doesn’t mean just go 50-50 and hope for the best. That’s just poor negotiation tactics. You have to knock her back …
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 09:48 PM
1

Right of first refusal for watching kids.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 01:54 PM
6

Deserves = what she can afford. No amount of your subsidies will make her happy. That’s on her not on you. Your job is to make sure that the kids have a place that is safe and sufficient for their needs. And that does not necessarily mean you pay for her side of it. Wants come after that, but for the kids alone.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 02:27 AM
3

I was with you on the mediation thing right up until you said you had kids and her behaviors with the affair partner around them. Try for mediation but get that lawyer, if only to put in the strictest stipulation as possible when it comes to the children’s welfare and to be exceptionally clear on who the primary custodian is and the custody schedule. There’s tons of example of legal language and you can save yourself money by finding it and drafting it up. Every court district in the US has the …
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 02:30 PM
8

Yeah, can’t risk the future of my kids stability to some vindictive or conniving individual. Also, zero interest and it has been about 4 years into this process. Not done yet and not even really contentious, but have such a lack of drive in that area alone that I can’t be bothered.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 12:49 AM
6

Your second to last paragraph is almost scriptural. Not done with the process, but leaned in hard to parenting my kids, and it’s wonderful. One add-on for that is without any prodding, friends, family, and even the children are starting to see there’s a huge disparate difference in parenting between the two of us. It’s been stunning to understand that the support and dedication to the children for the last half of the marriage was from me exclusively. Because even with 50-50, I am picking up her…
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 04:59 PM
3

Define rough patch…
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 04:20 AM
3

Slight correction from someone who actually has ADHD, granted, as a man. It’s more of a tendency than a symptom, and once you are aware of it and want to change it, you can. It takes a little bit of cognitive training, but it doesn’t take professional help usually. I feel so many times that ADHD is used by adults to justify selfish behaviors when everyone has them on a base level. They just refuse to suppress them or deal with them in a way that doesn’t harm other people.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 04:16 PM
6

To be clear, you don’t have any remaining moments of hope. Those are moments of delusion and they are all on you. I assure you she doesn’t have that same feeling or share any amount of that so-called hope. You have talked about how you’re back in school, sober, and hit the gym. Those are all things that suggest you have moved on on the surface. How are you doing with respect to friend groups question how are you doing with respect to counseling and mental health medication? Your post reads like …
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 11:55 PM
3

I don’t understand. Like, was she watching it and got jealous of the skillset or what?
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/26 06:25 PM
7

Whose permission did you get for the BJ? Your wife’s or the hooker?
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/26 06:04 PM
3

And travel arrangements. And the activities shall not infringe on the other’s custody time without prior agreement.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/26 04:11 PM
5

Just wanna say to the commenters on this thread and the one from the other day where the guy working in tech with a special-needs kid couldn’t figure out why his wife was leaving him. You all exemplify why this is a healthy community. You’re not afraid to call out the BS when you see it and it’s not an echo chamber. Basically the complete opposite of the opposite gender version of these subreddits. Well done!
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/26 07:28 PM
2

Yeah, pretty much this. Plus as a single dad with two kids where the hell am I getting time to date?
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/26 06:06 AM
2

Congratulations, you played yourself. Honestly, at this point it seems like you might have PTSD. Start doing the things that you know make her unhappy and want to seek something new social leave and then actually follow through and focus on doing the damn divorce. Don’t date anybody don’t do anything to make her jealous when she’s out. Just finish the job and get it filed. THEN move on.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/26 03:13 PM
2

This is one case where the system is definitely not biased against men and is working as designed and as it should.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 12:26 AM
3

I appreciate you seemingly giving a blunt assessment of the situation, I just don’t understand how you don’t see it for the reality of what it is and your role in the outcome. The more you talk the more you confirm what those of us who have been through this before know about you. Your son doesn’t want to be with you because he knows that you don’t like him, just like you state multiple ways and multiple times. He’s 14 so he doesn’t have to do anything with you and the judge will listen to that.…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 12:25 AM
1

Right then. My apologies for being misinformed by other commenters. My original post now stands. Feel free to continue to post here and get support. That was the original intent and spirit of my response. Good luck in your journey.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 09:30 PM
4

Doubt you get your retainer back. But why can’t you do mediation with the lawyer in the wings in case it goes bad? And there is nothing wrong with having legal guidance in a process you have never experienced before that can have decades long consequences.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 02:59 PM
1

Coming from you, the walking red flag, that is a huge compliment. Try asking your son what he actually wants to do and then supporting him in those efforts. It’s the only way you’re going to have a relationship with him for the rest of your life. If you don’t, don’t bother making excuses, as your only relationship will be with whatever woman you can somehow attract - until you can’t. I’ve seen this more than a few times and you are on the path to being miserable, bitter, and alone. I don’t wish …
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/26 10:57 PM
7

Ok, so you have abused your ex (and tried to minimize it), have not helped your kid advance academically or in sports, you don’t respect what he focuses on, you had an affair, and are a raging homophobe. Charitably, you make poor choices and are a piece of shit. Let me put this in perspective for you. You have a viewpoint of who other people are or should be that is not grounded in reality. Your son is 14 and even with the limited information I have I can assure you he will not choose you. 50/50…
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/26 03:00 PM
3

Right. After careful consideration, my advice still applies. I have seen this play out in more than a few lesbian relationships. I find they flip on a dime, possibly harder than a heterosexual relationship does, if that’s even possible.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/26 02:41 PM
8

That sucks man. Take it as a blessing that there’s not going to be a fight over children and sorting out the resources should be relatively easy since she abandoned them. Start by seeing to your basics: secure your finances, separate them if they aren’t already, and start by making sure your monthly bills are taken care of. Cut off any subscription services or anything like that that were hers. You need to whittle down to only the essentials and build back up from there. Change every password to…
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/26 05:20 AM
5

Do you have kids together or other ties such as financial? If not, the easiest thing to do is block this person.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/26 12:08 AM
1

I have had a similar issues with week on/off. We have swapped days with the youngest sometimes. You have to be careful because that can be documented as giving up/taking time beyond 50/50. As for the conversation, I usually have a couple examples of decisions made for us that we might not like but we have to deal with. I don’t bring up their mom or directly blame her, but I do say that we need to make the best of our situation no matter what decisions are made for us. 50% of being happy is prepa…
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/26 10:19 PM
1

I think I’ll stick with the version by Muse, thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/26 09:24 PM
6

Sorry you’re going through this, but just wanted to say you’re a good person for working through this with your husband and being a unified team.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 04:03 PM
4

Do you relate to any of this things? https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/s/yUqKPmh5Fv Outside of that list, I’m gonna say this is bluntly as I can: what you describe is abuse. Everything from the occasional hitting to the constant mental and emotional attacks. You don’t realize it fully now, but I guarantee if you stay in, you will completely lose yourself. The fact that you are self-aware about it now is a good thing. You need to not be transparent with her here. If I were in your position, I …
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 09:00 PM
3

Wow. Talk about a textbook way to get inside a guy‘s head and mess with his self-worth and ability to even perform possibly.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 03:33 AM
3

Sorry man. Just curious, since it is one thing to suggest a hall pass, but how did the conversation suggest suggesting that you become a cuck come about and what on earth was your reaction? I can’t imagine myself being anywhere close to rational if that was thrown out at me. I honestly think that women have no idea how many boundaries they cross and male norms they violate by suggesting that.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 01:55 AM
7

It is not selfish to save yourself. It is not selfish to have boundaries. It is not selfish to create a safe and supportive system for you and your kids that absolutely does not include her.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 03:13 AM
10

From you: You find yourself isolating. This can look like avoiding coming home, or setting yourself up a space where you hang out exclusively and not just to do hobbies. This is your mind creating a safe zone for you and some of us don’t realize we’re doing it until it’s already created. Your hobbies are put down or always deferred or demanded that they be stopped. Always in favor of something she’s taking on. The feeling of walking on eggshells or being henpecked. Constant nagging comes into pl…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 01:27 AM
3

Assuming you were eligible for annulment on that one?
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 06:36 PM
22

Start living your life and stop observing hers. Cut her out of everything except coparenting. You will find much less stress and a lot more time to figure out who you are outside of the marriage. Don’t worry about dating cause it sounds like you’re not ready for that.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 06:11 PM
6

Buddy, you aren’t doing that because she wants you. You’re doing that because of a lack of options. She just found one so you’re gonna see that go away pretty damn fast. I encourage you to go back and read your posts and your replies. Look at it from the lens of making excuses for her. From what I’ve seen you are making justifications for her and that’s not your job. That’s also not fair to you. It doesn’t matter if she was emotionally checked out for any period of time. You’re still married and…
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/26 11:13 PM
15

No mercy man. I’m sorry. Don’t leave the house and insist on selling it. Clean break and no contact going forward. Her clear lying and complete lack of respect for you is setting the tone and terms for this process. Sounds like there are no kids so that simplifies things at least. If she makes more than you, go for transition maintenance. Even at six months, it can be helpful in a number of ways.
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/26 04:51 PM
7

I would suggest a different tactic. By being angry and wanting to contact the AP, you are not fulfilling the requirement of going gray rock. Forget about talking to him. And you really have no call to tell him to stay away since you are divorcing, and that process has started. You need to reset your mind and understand that she is no longer your friend, your partner, or your responsibility. In fact, she hasn’t been probably for 10 years. The upside is she’s no longer your problem either. I would…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 10:32 PM
1

Going through it now along with another family member. Don’t commingle. Already laid down the marker on inheritance finances and property. Filing in a couple months hopefully. Good luck to you!
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 04:37 PM
13

This was the longest relationship I ever had (10 years) so I want to take the time alone to rediscover who I am, who I want to be around, and what I truly want. Relationships mess with your head and trigger the desire to please someone else through sacrifice and service. After having such non-reciprocal relations, the mind, body and soul needs to be fed. And I want to emphasize this point -only you can do that. A new partner can help, but it’s truly on you. Even in a relationship, it’s up to you…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 11:37 PM
3

He lives in North Carolina, so they actually do have laws on the book about asphalt and infidelity. They also have laws about being able to sue the guys that she cheated with with recent court wins to support it.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 02:04 PM
3

You have the information on all the guys. Why would you not cut her off from alimony and simultaneously sue every last one of them? This isn’t about revenge. It’s about justice. You just happen to be in one of two states where you can get it.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 02:03 PM
17

Dude, you are in North Carolina, so this is kind of a blessing legally. Your state has at fault divorce with infidelity as the reason. Take her to the damn cleaners. No mercy, no surrender.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 03:01 AM
16

You are not going to get her to fall back in love with you. Not because you’re not capable, but because she’s not willing to create a scenario where it could happen. That is the final nail in the coffin of your relationship. Like everyone says, she made a strategic error by telling you without doing the research of what it would look like. Accept this gift for what it is. Don’t tell her what you’re doing, consult a lawyer and get ready to file. She shouldn’t find out about filing until you have …
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/26 11:58 PM
9

So I think you need some serious recalibration of your brain, respectfully. You use the term relapsed with respect to cheating. Cheating is not a clinical involuntary issue. It involves choice, pre-meditation, and intent to choose selfishness and harm of others. Get the clinical side of it out of your brain because it has nothing to do with cheating. Unfortunately, your first mistake was taking her back. As many will tell you here, taking a cheater back, eliminates the respect that they may have…
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 03:31 PM
2

It’s still early, you need to work on establishing the norms and boundaries so they know exactly what to expect. I’m not the Disneyland parent, but I’m not overly strict by any means either. That doesn’t change the fact that for the first 24 hours, there is an acclamation phase. In their mom‘s house, the oldest one is pushed towards parent vacation and so that’s the focus for the first 24 hours. For the youngest, we just encouraged them to use their inside voice instead of yelling about everythi…
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/26 10:18 PM
10

Start by doing your research on grey rock method and what she will likely try - silver bullet divorce. Under no circumstances leave the house. She has a problem with both of you being in the space, she is welcome to leave. If fact, if you can convince her to go and move in with said co-worker that is an absolute win on a number of levels. Remember, it is about your health and wellbeing now. She does not matter and gets no consideration. Perhaps more importantly, your job it is to be the stable a…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/26 04:27 PM
4

Maybe I’m missing something, what is the significance of her asking your family not to come for a birthday? Seems like there should be a lot more to it before you ask for a divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/26 03:16 AM
5

I mean, she’s already screwing you in other ways I’m sure. Why would you let her screw you on your one source of joy? Unless there’s something you’re not telling us here, I’m not even sure why you are considering this as remotely fair. Are you still catering to her every need? Because this sure sounds like that’s what you’re doing.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 01:00 AM
1

No mercy, no quarter, no surrender. Legal negotiation 101: demand everything you are entitled to and more so when she counters you end up in a higher position.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 03:01 AM
1

I would say clean break, but you need to make sure that all of your exit roads are paved and ready. No matter if you work into it or blind side and clean break, there’s not going to be happiness here. It’s the legal dissolution of a relationship and the best you can expect is for it to be amicable. I don’t predict that outcome with what you’re dealing with. What you described does not sound like well adjusted. As for your second question, sure there are certainly women out there who want that, b…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 09:49 PM
7

Ok, read your post and every comment. I see much of my situation in what you describe, especially the super dad part. First, stop slamming the beers. Devote that energy to working out or something similar. My suggestion based on her deflect and blame responses is to do the following: Separate finances, if you have not already. Maybe a joint household account for shared bills, but you need to set up the structure to be separate. Quietly consult a lawyer and get everything ready to file. Think har…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 03:51 AM
7

Dude. You are in Seattle. Go out and celebrate being the champs! Meet celebrants in bars! Hit the gym in prep for our amazing summer/fall that is incoming. Fill your life with joy (minus the Seattle freeze) and move forward. She is making it easy. Also, you clearly have DV mentality and need serious counseling to break that or she could show up in your life and make you backtrack big time.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 05:25 PM
4

Would it? Would it really?
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 11:29 PM
8

It’s the climbing, the corporate ladder, hormonal, imbalance, and blindsiding. All that screams cheating that he doesn’t know about, likely with a coworker. All he has to tell us is she started spending a lot of time with the gym and working on her appearance and we will have the four Horsemen or four horse women in this case.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/26 01:04 AM
5

Wouldn’t it be just as simple as we are naturally optimistic about the concept of hoping someone loves us for just being ourselves? Yes, every single cue in society tells us our only value is to be the silent provider and we are not allowed emotions or vulnerability, but we still have that built in desire for someone to truly want us. That gets unlocked and it releases our full efforts to love and support and everything else. It just comes down to hope, but unfortunately for a big part of our cr…
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 04:56 PM
1

Not sure that is true. Have a family member divorcing from there married 17 and the number lawyers told them was 20. Edit: clarification that the spousal maintenance is not for life, the jurisdiction of the court remains for life post 10 years, unless the parties agree to a settlement accepted by the court.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 04:37 PM
4

We divided the kitchen stuff and I divided up the tools because I’m the one that used them and knew what went with what. I offered a bunch of the furniture which she accepted. I told her straight up that if she attempted to come after my musical equipment, all of which was purchased before we met, I would do everything in my power to make her life a living hell, evict her, and come after her for maintenance and child support. Her reaction clearly showed that she was thinking about it, and I made…
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/26 07:34 PM
2

https://attorneyatlawmagazine.com/legal/legal-trends/the-silver-bullet-method-the-rise-of-false-allegations-in-divorce-and-custody-cases
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/26 04:46 AM
3

https://attorneyatlawmagazine.com/legal/legal-trends/the-silver-bullet-method-the-rise-of-false-allegations-in-divorce-and-custody-cases
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/26 04:46 AM
4

Alternatively, you can say that you’re willing to stay together, but you want to proceed with the divorce. With the legal requirement severed that means that she can’t get complacent and expect you to stay.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 01:39 AM
3

Ok, if you want to go through this with one or both hands tied behind your back, that’s on you. But if you actually value your kids and want to have an equitable process where you both come out as best as possible, you better go back to that house and say you’re not leaving but she is welcome to. Research grey rock method and don’t compromise. She showed you who she is and is expecting you to honor the traditional marriage you mention. That is not her honoring the marriage that’s her weapon it a…
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/26 02:45 AM
6

The income of your spouse has zero legal bearing on the custody and support arrangements between your ex and you. The judge won’t consider it and she does not get to either. Fair is sticking to the agreement. She wants to push them, suggest the need to revisit the $500 child support payment coming to you.
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/26 02:53 AM
2

I was on the other side of this, buying her out, and a couple of things you need to think about. If this goes to court, the judge is going to force it to be an as is sale. So you both will be losing money if there’s any repairs or anything that needs to happen. This may be just my experience, but in the equity conversation if there’s clear repairs that need to be made, she gets to hang onto those and not take it out of your equity like would happen in an as a sale. Under no circumstances, do you…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 12:23 AM
1

Yeah, I should probably clarify that the stuff in the common room is constantly on or at least activates based off of motion or audio. So you don’t have to go and ask every time. As for sleuthing on the affairs, it’s not about presenting evidence of affairs to the judge. It’s about presenting misuse of marital resources, which is something that is taken into account during family law cases.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 05:33 AM
1

What specific point is illegal in your opinion? If you are talking about item nine, you are incorrect. Recording devices in communal spaces with notice is completely legal, especially if it is your own home. You can’t put them places where there is the expectation of privacy such as bathrooms or bedrooms.
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/26 11:35 PM
6

Ok, OP. First off, sorry you are going through this. It is going to take at least 18 months (US state timetable) of processing and pain to get through this. You are dealing with someone who is incredibly selfish and self centered. The injured ones here are you and the child. So here is the tried and true advice I have for you: DO NOT CONFRONT. This is going to be incredibly difficult. You will vacillate between rage and sorrow, but it makes it so much more difficult for everyone if you let on yo…
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/26 11:04 PM
1

Thanks for this clarification. So the judge is not gonna care that she has a preference on how she works. The fact that she is a nurse means that she has ridiculous amounts of options up to an including travel nursing which pays an incredible amount. You should be thinking about imputing income based off of that by the way. You need to document anyway you can in her own words that her push for this is about her preference of work and your push for this is about being able to maintain your employ…
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/26 07:40 PM
0

That would be me, Good Sir!
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 02:55 AM
16

Hey! Some of us are in the back of the class because we are out of shape and have no idea what we are doing. Not trying to be up front and looking like an idiot in front of the whole class.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 11:22 PM
1

I think they call that an incompatibility in the business. I tried to assume positive intent on this one, but I can’t come up with a reason that she can’t see this when she’s in the exact same situation. I think the bigger thing that concerns me is this seems to be leading towards a self-centered individual analysis. It doesn’t seem to bother her for her kids, and therefore doesn’t bother her about yours. I would question this person‘s dedication to their children at this point. And if they don’…
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/25 08:00 PM
1

Yeah, this too. 👆
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 10:04 PM
1

So let me get this straight. You have a “business” or dream but it is being a fractional CMO (assuming Chief Medical Officer). You have not had a client in seven months. Agree with another poster-you don’t have a business, you have a hobby. You are a physician and could easily be making $20k/month AND keep your wife. Yes, it means working “for someone else” but that is pure ego talking at this point. Your wife has told you, your brother has told you, and life has told you this is not working. Th…
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 06:14 PM
8

No court order? What are you doing other than enabling her lack of accountability? Take the ring off and get some support. Either therapy or a trusted friend group that can help you think straight.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 04:38 AM
5

Your last sentence is correct. You will be yourself around the children when it’s just you and them. When you take them to the hand off, it’s still being yourself. As soon as you’re in that doorbell, you have your barriers up. She no longer gets the privilege of the real you or the benefits that you bring.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 08:46 PM
7

This is the biggest load of BS I have seen on here. She still wants you even now? I’m sorry, you truly don’t know how women work in these situations. Once they get the place of being able to want a divorce, they have had literal years of thinking about it and planning for it. By that point there is o reconciliation possibility, at least none that a man with any self respect and self worth would tolerate. As for you trashing the opinions of 90% of the men on here, you’re confusing bitterness with…
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/25 08:45 PM
2

So I am in the short term category. She initiated the conversations about separation and confirmed that there was nothing that can help and she wanted the divorce. I initiated her moving out of the family home and gave her a deadline to leave before I would start charging a per diem. She didn’t like it, but she also had no legal choice after I refinanced the house and bought her out. At this point, much of the experience is anticipating her moves after being so successful in predicting her behav…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 08:10 AM
5

I live in a two party state but once we moved into separate rooms I placed a voice activated recorder (hidden) in my room for when I was gone or on trips. My own private space, she has no reasonable expectation of privacy if passing through a locked door to get there. Worked amazingly for getting to the truth of the problems (her) and the process of working out her justifications for blowing up the marriage (me, naturally). Don’t recommend for everyone, but it has its place. And in this case, wa…
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/25 07:14 PM
1

If OP is the wife then why the hell is this post still up? We are not the target audience.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/25 06:33 PM
4

Tale as old as time, except she didn’t wait until she left. I took the chance to gather loads of compromising evidence to use during the upcoming negotiations.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/25 07:20 AM
9

For therapy to be effective, both parties have to have the same goal. She claimed to have the same goal as me, but she already had a plan to leave and was using therapy as a way to try and move me towards where she thought I would be in a good place to accept it. She never had any intention of repairing the marriage or working on anything that she might have on a list. Top it all off with every time that I achieved something that she set out for me the goal post would get moved.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/25 06:54 AM
4

No one wants to be the villain in their own story. So they create narrative to justify the actions they are planning. Once they get the amount of support they feel they need or from key people that’s when they pull the trigger and go full on. I’m not sure what delusions happen in women’s brains during the divorce process where they feel the need to destroy the other person. It could be a fear of safety thing or they’ve been brainwashed by social circles to believe they’ve been experiencing abuse…
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/25 05:55 PM
2

You’re right, her failings don’t matter in the slightest. But as OP pointed out, she’s freaking out and could potentially cause problems with the coparenting relationship. Overall, my point is operational security. Don’t give away information that doesn’t need to be given away to your ex or talk about it even in public because social engineering is a thing. In this day and age of active listening devices, over, sharing on social media, flock cameras, and whatever else don’t share or over share y…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/25 08:57 PM
-3

You could’ve added a period after you said you would be there when she gets checked out. That would’ve solved your problem. I agree with the other folks, the reason that you’re there or will be able to attend is not relevant and she does not need to know it. I would advise looking at your conversations with her and making sure they truly are only focused on the kid and relevant information to that.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/25 06:53 PM
3

Hard no. Are you trying to end up in prison on false accusations? One time a judge might throw it out, but if there’s a pattern they’re going to pay attention to that type of stuff.
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/25 09:24 PM
1

Can you explain this more? What ages are you talking about?
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/25 09:16 PM
12

First one separate. Getting the kids tomorrow for the one with my family. It is fine. The video called me and wished I was there. The youngest wanted to come over but the ex stopped that. Funny enough, her whole “we should let the kids transfer when they ask” does not seem to apply when they want to come to my house. What I am worried about is the even split at Christmas. Guessing she is going to not let that be even either.
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/25 12:28 AM
15

I got hit with this too. I think the hardest piece to process was, and maybe I’m being old-fashioned here, the meaning and commitment behind the vows. While I’ve never gotten her to admit it verbally, her actions and what she specifically chose to not support me in made it clear that I understood the vow I was taking to support in sickness and in health. She seemed to have said the words, but when it came time to support me in my sickness, which was temporary, the best I got was a pat on the bac…
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/25 11:29 PM
23

I HATE that this is the common narrative. Primary earner, got us a house, her a new car (twice) on my credit, pushed and supported her to get out of her job and get advanced education and certifications. And starting after that we agreed to prioritize her career and I would take majority of parenting duties. Chores were divided up even. And then, I overhear “I love him but am not IN love with him.” Nothing I did made her budge. Was not receptive to any efforts ranging from small like dates to la…
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/25 06:07 PM
2

I have one your age and another that’s a little younger. It was her idea to separate and it was her idea to pitch it to them as if they now have two bedrooms and two of everything. Took about a month for the seven-year-old to start asking how long this was gonna last. She had not understood that the end result was going to be divorce. My sweet child had her world shattered along with the idea that we were a family. From a developmental stage, she was really focusing on all of us being together a…
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/25 05:59 AM
4

Not in my experience. Still the same.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 04:17 AM
4

None.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 04:14 AM
3

Separate your finances now. When that inheritance comes DO NOT put it in ANYTHING that could possibly be considered joint. Ask your BIL how he would feel about being in business with you if you were to divorce his sister? How would you feel about him complying with financial discovery requirements in the divorce proceedings? You have bad strategy all around by my read. Talk to an actual lawyer and get advice that has tried and true for your jurisdiction. Except that inherited stuff, that’s unive…
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/25 03:59 AM
1

If your name is on the deed, it is your house, at least 1/3 of it is. The number one thing you need to learn about the process you’re about to go through is you must advocate and assert for yourself or you will end up in an untenable life position.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 11:33 PM
1

Well that certainly complicates things…is there a reason you are not staying in the house? There are implications to leaving to consider beyond fiscal. Legal, emotional for the kids, perception/assumption by the judge. All things beyond home equity to consider.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 05:35 PM
3

Honestly, I did not see your last point coming. I’ll check that out though. Thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/25 07:17 PM
2

You need to talk to a lawyer and stop talking to her or agreeing to anything right now! So many of your assumptions are wrong and it sounds like she’s dictating to you or you’re agreeing just to make sure that she’s nice to you in front of the kids. From this point on your position on her wants and needs or anything else go in this order: Fuck her (never literally!) She is not your problem. She is easily your enemy IF she chooses that path. You are entitled to 50-50 custody. As is a fault. You a…
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/25 05:46 PM
3

My man, I think you are operating under a significant fallacy. You are undervaluing your contributions and your value in your kids daily life. Push for 50-50. If they are younger than four, then maybe you need to adjust that, but anything less then complete equal split is no deal. You are letting her run the table a the outcome will be worse for you and the kids. It will be nice that you’re gonna let her have her cake and eat it too though, I suppose. In this game nice guys truly do finish last.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 02:56 AM
2

Better make it in writing that she share details of gross earnings and not net along with recalculations annually based on income changes. OR, if she is starting a business she can take a loan like most tend to do instead of you yet again floating her. Your responsibility is to the kids, not her.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 02:53 AM
9

Agree with the rest. She will absolutely cheat a third time you need to be done. The reality of losing the supports that she has taken for granted is setting in. She is trying to set the stage for those supports to continue. This is classic have your cake and eat it too mentality. She’s gonna want you to do favors for her like work on the car or mow her lawn or pick something up. Don’t do it. You are not obligated to do so, and you have your own life to worry about. Make her worry about her choi…
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/25 04:28 PM
2

OP, please don’t listen to this downvoted BS. I mean, is this your ex on the thread or something? Here are the facts: The child support is for the kids and not you. You bring home half and pay the insurance on them, which isn’t cheap. From the reality and perspective of the kids, they are going to have a disparity in their experience and resources when with you as a result. This balances that out. DO NOT encourage her to hide her income. Fast way to go bad for both of you in front of a judge. Th…
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/25 03:31 PM
7

Same situation with kids. The way I explain it is we don’t make all the decisions in our lives. Sometimes other people make choices and we have to deal with/make the best of what is left. I am certainly not going to lie about it to my kids, despite their younger age. But they won’t get the full story until they are older and they ask. Until then, they know that dad didn’t choose this and he is focusing on the good within it. Other than that, been quite transparent with family and close friends. …
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/25 03:10 PM
3

From the perspective of the state, I think it is a resource saver. No rash decisions or buyers remorse clogging up the court systems.
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/25 08:59 PM
2

How long have you been separated or divorced?
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/25 10:15 PM
1

What is a safeguarding claim that she’s bringing to the school? I’ve never heard this term.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/25 02:48 AM
1

I used individual and couples therapy. Couples therapy helped de-escalate some situations and call her out on some of her abusive BS. When the couples therapist has an individual session with you and comments how your ex can’t seem to recognize the obvious hypocrisy, you know you’re not in the wrong. Both the individual and the couples therapists help me better analyze and understand the situation so I could gain confidence going forward. When your whole world gets yanked out from under you, and…
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/25 11:42 PM
9

This is an excellent and expansive answer. Thank you for this comprehensive contribution. /s But seriously, how in the world are you coming to the conclusion that full custody would not be awarded when one parent is homeless and the kid is clearly sleeping outdoors? It’s fine for a vacation, but when you have no other options that is putting the child’s life at risk, especially with winter coming. And what if this is not a campground in the traditional sense and more of an encampment? If it’s th…
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/25 03:38 PM
1

Apologies, the “that” I am describing in the second sentence is empathy, not lack of it. My word choice is a bit ambiguous.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/25 07:46 AM
2

Except a hallmark of NPD is complete lack of empathy. OP clearly shows that in their post. Making plans to have connection with kids and not disrupt their lives at the expense of a hostile individual or force does not constitute narcissism or even selfishness. It does represent putting others first (kids) and formulation of strategy that prioritizes their well being. Edit: not saying the plan is a good one.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/25 04:18 PM
21

Listen to the folks that tell you to engage a lawyer. Make DAMN sure you are not on that birth certificate since you are still legally married. Don’t be lazy and sign up for years of financial toil due to a technicality that would take $500 to remedy.
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/25 08:20 PM
3

Exactly.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/25 10:17 PM
16

GO BACK TO THE HOUSE AND KIDS. Now. You never leave. It always looks bad and sets you up for hard times with the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/25 09:45 PM
5

Ok, first things first. Shoes in the dishwasher?? Just, why? I can’t think of a single reason for that. Second, I concur with smart thermostats, smart locks, and a secure home hub that does ON SITE processing. Solves a number of problems while protecting your kid’s privacy. Where exactly is she sleeping? She needs her own room for a couple reasons. The first is she needs to have her own A/C, mini fridge, and secure space for “personal” activities. You need to establish requirements for common sp…
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/25 08:48 PM
6

A real cult or fully bought into MLMs?
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/25 05:52 PM
8

Listen to the sage advice you’ve already received in this thread. I will add on that you don’t need to be married to have a relationship and succeed. I would assume you’ve learned that lesson. So let me move on to consult a lawyer. Pay them a consult fee, which may feel pricey, but will be money well spent. Get your list of questions together on the front end and send ahead of time so they can provide you with the answers instead of telling you they need to research something. You need to get th…
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/25 07:13 PM
2

It is called Moral Turpitude and sexual misconduct for a reason.
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/25 01:55 AM
2

Patient instigating is not a defense. Complaints can be made anonymously and that info can be submitted anonymously as well. Your call, but this WILL happen again with him.
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/25 01:54 AM
5

I say this is someone who works in the regulatory field, please report him. This is not a revenge thing. This is a keeping the profession clean for everyone else. This is someone who is a user and a groomer. That is all you can describe someone who is a licensed or certified healthcare professional, using their knowledge and their access to someone to manipulate them to the point where they will begin an affair. For the good of the healthcare system report them.
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/25 07:03 PM
2

Ask them. I had members of her family reach out directly to me, and in no uncertain terms make it clear that nothing in our relationship is changing, despite her actions and choices. If they are trustworthy to you and have a good history, I say keep up the relationships. Good trust and friendships are hard to find as adults and especially as men. You may have some difficulty like I did, where the ex doesn’t like you interacting with her family without her. My response was I am an adult and so ar…
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/25 07:00 PM
13

Commenting to elevate this. I don’t think men who are suddenly faced with this understand this point enough. Because to us the lying to the face, if we had known about it, is usually the dealbreaker. But if you think of it in terms of women plan this stuff for years, think about the mental gymnastics, it takes to maintain the façade of being the faithful spouse or supportive partner when they are actively planning on blowing up their life with you. The level of lies and deception is significant …
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/25 01:41 AM
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