I've been sharing this copypasta a bunch, so it might as well be its own post. This is very important advice. (Obviously not all ideas are mine originally, this is just a collection!) But pay attention.

Your next steps are critical.

  1. Talk to a lawyer, immediately, and develop a strategy. Listen to them. But make sure you are comfortable with them.
  2. Make sure she cannot argue that you are an unequal/unfit parent. Log your time with the kids, and hers. Have secondary proof (security cameras?) if possible. You need to be sure you are seen by the court as a good contributing parent. (even better if you can prove she isn't!) Document her alcohol/drug use best you can with whatever proof you can. Assume everything will be read by a judge and picked apart by her lawyer.
  3. Install cameras, with audio, that you alone control, everywhere you can get away with. Protect yourself against bogus DV claims.
  4. Do not move out or let her take the kid away. You are just as much a parent as her. You also have as much right to the home as she does.
  5. Make sure she is working and making solid money. And don't take the big advancement - yet! (talk to lawyer about this!)
  6. Get therapy, and get to the gym. Now. Your soul needs it as much as your body. I like group classes like crossfit because they're very social. But do whatever gets you to the gym regularly.
  7. Be very careful with the booze. It might numb you, but it won't fix anything. And it could cause problems. (She could accuse you of being a drunk, for example.)
  8. Listen to your lawyer.
  9. Keep an even temperament always. You're a rock.
  10. Don't look back, and don't hook up with another too soon. Patience, and eye on the prize.
  11. Consider the snip (vasectomy) to guard against future pregnancies (assuming you don't want more kids) and baby-trappers. Bank some sperm maybe.
  12. Change all passwords and log out of any shared devices
  13. Take at least half of any joint funds available (as your lawyer first). If you do this, use a completely separate bank for your new account.
  14. Create a secure space within your home that only you have access to (if possible). You need a sanctuary and you should not be avoiding your home.
  15. Create a new email account. Change any accounts in your name to paperless, have them sent to this new email address. Update all online accounts to use this new email address (protects against password reset requests).
  16. Scour her social media, texts, anything, for anything damaging, and save it safely. Remove all of yours.
  17. Remove her as an authorized user on all credit cards in your name. Remove yourself as an authorized user on any credit cards in her name.
  18. Beware of DELAY tactics. She may insist on mediation instead, be very careful, it could be a ploy to buy time for her to, for example, build a case against you, or change her income, or suddenly become a model mother.
  19. Buckle up! But know that good things are ahead for you. Claim your own happiness! There are lots of great ladies out there for you.

Now, speaking as someone who went through all this shit myself, it is absolute hell for a long time. But it's absolutely worth the hardship and pain, because the other side is glorious. We will welcome you with congratulations!