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roshi-roshi Archive

View 10 posts and 736 comments by roshi-roshi on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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1

It’s killing me. To have this woman I spent the best years of my life with stonewall me.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/25 04:25 AM
2

I’m not really sure I want to meet another person. Dynamics are so different when we’re older And divorced. The hardest part for me has been my wife stonewalling me.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/25 03:58 AM
1

Yes. My kids, Ex and her family are on the summer mountain trip. I miss it so much. Miss my kids, brothers in law, hiking, my ex. My friend emailed me and said he saw her. She told him we were divorced like it was no big deal. And I’m ‘home’ literally falling apart. Somehow I have to move on.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/25 03:06 AM
1

I hear you. I’m getting there. No beer today. And gif a lot of stuff done today and yesterday. So you’re exactly right.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/25 04:32 AM
1

Thank you for taking the time to comment. You are right. I have used the word cruel and cold hearted. I was trying to see if anger would get me out of the whole. It’s pathetic and I’ve tried so many things to move on. I feel this vague sense of guilt that has caused me to hold on. It doesn’t help when she says she never wants to talk to me again. Of course the ruminating, wanting to make amends, wanting to know what I did wrong. I agree it absolutely is time for me to move on. I don’t know what …
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 01:27 PM
1

I am in therapy and a divorce group. I just live with this constant anguish of losing her and her never talking to me again. I don’t know why I keep holding on. I never, ever though mr this would happen. Unlike the idea of a ceremony. Thanks for your support.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 03:46 AM
2

I had the voice too. Find out years later my ex did too and her mother and grandmother talked her out of it. I guess I just figured we’d work in things. Alas, she jus resented me the entire time. Still having a hard time letting her go and a hire the impact this has had on my kids.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/25 05:43 AM
1

I’ll track that down. I guess I feel my sexual marketing is dwindling by then minute. My ex had a choice, stay with with me and work out daddy issues your literally kick me to the curb. I think she’ll regret her decision. I know her family has. I was just gutted the other day when my son said, ‘why did you do this is?’ I told him to ask his mom.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 09:58 PM
3

You’re right. Time to follow my gut and be done with this
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/25 03:07 AM
1

No one is that powerful to ruin someone else’s life. I swear our exes were dealing with family of origin stuff and years of resentment they ever brought up.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/25 03:04 AM
2

I think the secret guy has already failed, according to my kids. So much of everyone’s experience seems To point to an affair. She recently told my 17 year old that she would tell him the reason for the divorce when he turns 18. Can’t wait to hear this BS.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/25 09:05 PM
1

Thanks for your comment. Thaw change has been so drastic I’m just reaching for anything. Definitely making self care a priority no matter what.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/25 09:01 PM
1

Thanks. I know getting in shape has to be a priority. Thanks for the clueless alien stuff. I think she probably has an affair. Really didn’t seem like it. I think it was emotional and probably long distance. I’m not one to go through people’s stuff, so I have no evidence. But she is textbook according to that article. Gonna do some more research.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/25 08:58 PM
1

Thanks. I’m an mess. Been trying to get to the gym but just can’t seem to make the leap.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/25 04:47 AM
1

Yes. I still am. It just kind of hits me that I’m alone. I cycle through missing my wife and family then remember the crazy shot she has done. She’s really never going to talk to me again after 20 years of marriage. What the hell happened to her? My 20 year old today told he was doing ok, but just doesn’t understand why we would do this to him and his brother if they loved us. I was tempted to tell him to ask his mother.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/25 04:45 AM
7

Yes. It feels like it will never end. I work my ass off not to project this in the kids. Hardest work in the world. But I am still devastated. I feel like the rest of my life will be defined by this.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/25 09:35 AM
3

I have. 50/50. What did you find? I wouldn’t be surprised If an emotional affair occurred or she was hiding money. Of course that’s not what I go to. I miss family etc. In truth. I shouldn’t miss her at all because she has done nothing but treat me like a piece of shut since announcing. Just a completely different person. Borderline sociopath.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/25 09:32 AM
2

Not sure about ‘women these days’. I don’t know what she thinks she’s going to get in wake of the destruction of our family. We had absolute dedication to our kids, fun, affection, connection (?). Why would she throw that away? Became a completely different person. Will not talk to me. It traumatizes her she says. I’m the one that was traumatized losing house, security, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/25 07:55 AM
3

I dated a few times. Nothing will compare to my wife unless it’s an organic meeting. Only one year for me and I spiral at least 2-3?times a week. I lost everything.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/25 04:52 AM
9

So sorry. I’m 50. Scared to death. Evidently anyone can leave a marriage at any time for no reason. It is an empty promise and absolutely corrupt institution that wreaks so much suffering it should be outlawed.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/25 04:49 AM
5

Oh god, I’m with you.’it’s been a year for me. I got better for a while, but am now deep in it. The pain is unbearable.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/25 03:11 AM
1

Well friend, you make a lot of sense. Wish I could just see her insanity and move on. I think it has more to do with missing the past, fear of the future and being alone. Your comment is genius
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 03:50 PM
2

Thank you. We just split assets. I’m have a job I love, but doesn’t pay enough. Taking courses for an promotion that won’t happen in a year god willing it works out. Any ideas on a second job? Yes, she really hurt me. I need to get in touch with that anger. Why I still care so much is just how I am. I can’t let go it seems.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 03:45 PM
3

You are right. The drinking does cover emotions and they are directly related to my panic attacks. Thanks for sharing your story. I’m a Phish Phan to. My ideas was maybe to only drink at concerts. I’m in Atlanta. We got spoiled for so many years with at least 2-3 nights a summer. I think I’m just going to Ohio. Have family up there.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 03:40 PM
1

I have to admit, in desperately miss the financial and social security of my marriage. But I did love her too. I think something else was going on because I got really depressed and physically sick for 2’years before the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 03:36 PM
3

Thank you for the suggestion.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 03:34 PM
3

Do I go to regular doc for that?
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 03:33 PM
8

Doesn’t seem to be getting easier. I’m scared to death. Thank you for the comment and support.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 03:32 PM
7

Thank you. I know it’s not forever, but feels like it will never end. Unfortunately, as a former therapist and having been in therapy for years I have no faith in CBT. If it worked we’d all be better. I’m sorry to be critical. If CBT worked for you I am so happy.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 03:55 AM
7

Seeing counselor for 20 years. Obviously my marriage was toxic, yet secure and I cannot get over it. I am paralyzed with grief over the loss I have endured. I have to go in for my kids. If I didn’t have kids I’d be long dead. Thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 03:50 AM
3

Yes. Having and caring for/raising our children is the highlight of my to just kick me out and just cut off communication with me after experiencing that together is unbearably painful.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/25 03:45 PM
2

Good call. It’s been hard utopia stop. The more I realize this is permanent I drink less. I know. I have to stop. Thank you for the encouragement.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 02:11 AM
3

He’s in college and he was responding to me being upset. You are right. I do have to detach somehow. I wake up every morning missing her so much and sick to my stomach. Something has to change.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 05:40 AM
2

Thank you. I struggle so much with guilt and hopelessness.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 05:36 AM
3

Still so hard to believe. What is she going to do, just date other people? The grass won’t be greener for long.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 05:35 AM
9

OP-I’m the same as you. I’m still in disbelief this happened to me. I am so depressed, anxious and feel so hopeless at times. My financial situation is dire. I can’t get anything done in my apartment except at least keep it tidy. I’m drinking way more and gaining weight. I have my kids 50%, but am so tense about them being comfortable and just sick that they have to go through this. I have awful panic attacks too where I have to go to my car to scream and moan and shake. I think about suicide se…
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 05:26 AM
7

How do we let them go and quit worrying about the kids? I’ve got to move on. Detach from her and just focus on my own identity and just live life. How do we live into the truth of my current my reality. How do I just wake up looking forward to work and taking care of my son and not be so concerned about my older college son hanging with me. Or feel so empty. This has all been such devastating and hopelessness and fear. I’ve got to move on, let her go and work on identity. God she traumatized me.…
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/25 09:20 PM
2

Can you say more. This just kills me! That me and my children and I were comfortable and secure I our relationship, yet she was planing on leaving?
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/25 09:02 PM
0

She’s a scum bag?
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/25 08:58 PM
1

I’m trying so hard. I’m trying to let this go. I must. If she comes back it’s a bonus. I need to have it together for the kids. Be their foundation.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/25 08:57 PM
0

Stonewalling in certain situations is the most abusive, inhumane thing you can do to a person. Yet I still miss her so much and our family and worry so much about the effect this is having on my son’s. My older son basically needs to be bribed to spend time with me. He said ‘I didn’t sign up for this!’. Yet I was there when he had surgery while she went out of town. And when he had to spend the night in the hospital I stayed with him and she went out of town. Yet I still miss her and my family.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/25 08:54 PM
6

Wow. That’s powerful. I think I need to start thinking that way.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 05:49 PM
13

I used to not think people didn’t change, but they do…or at least certain parts of their personality lay dormant. I guess my ex’s first post divorce BF, that I know of, fling is over. I think an emotional affair occurred during the marriage. We had some of the best times in my life and I still am in disbelief on how she has treated me. Absolute condescension, threatened stalking charges. I’ve done nothing like that ever. If I try to talk to her in any way except about the kids via email, she wil…
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 05:26 PM
2

Yes, I know accepting this truth, bettering myself and being emotion unavailable for our kids is essential. Let’s be real though. Nobody does this. The impact of divorce is so devastating that we never get over it. It ruins our lives and our children’s lives forever. I am working on personal wellness. It’s almost impossible to be consistent. The way the world works we’ll all die of cancer or heart disease. Adding in a divorce at 50 is not a pretty picture. I’m scared to death. Absolutely paralyz…
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/25 10:38 PM
1

So you’re the child of divorce? Mine has had a lot to do with caretaking of my parents.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/25 10:32 PM
2

Thank you for the support. I’ve regressed a bit, but the pi cess are there to really get it together. I’m not sure how I’ve survived up to this point. I hope you are doing ok and your comment made my day!
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/25 08:24 AM
1

Oh it’s awful. Some days when I’m just focused on getting to work I’m good. Weekends, I’m an absolute mess. Nothing soothes. On top of that I have recurring dreams where I try to talk to my ex wife and can’t get to her. Usually wake up in a panic on those days. I hope things get better for us. I’ve always hated mornings and this has just mad it a million times worse.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/25 08:10 AM
2

Oh I miss my wife and everything that went with it so much. I worry so much about the impact this is having on my children. It was was one of those situations where it seems she changed overnight. Lately I’ve been reminiscing about all the good times and traditions and it’s like someone died. She has stonewalled me. Told me she will never talk to me about anything other than the children again. She blames me for so much stuff. I’m reality I think she had some sudden realization that he parents n…
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/25 07:57 AM
2

Being alone is awful. I have my son every other week. When he is not here I’m a mess. It’s been a year for me. Some things have gotten better. But the divorce is always in the back of my mind. Some days I miss my old life so bad.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 11:22 PM
2

They are already screwed up from the divorce. And will be forever. This kills me!
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 09:52 PM
3

Yes. Have to get out of bed when I spiral. Every morning has started with an anxiety attack since the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 09:49 PM
2

Kids do unconditionally love us. I keep hearing the best thing we can do for them is heal and be their emotional rock. I have a dad. He’s doing the best he can to help me. But I have no emotional anchor. I’m on my own.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 09:45 PM
1

It is crippling.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 09:43 PM
1

Making small changes have helped me. But everything in my life reminds me of where I am now.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 09:37 PM
4

I feel like I can’t get anything done. Everyday is a fog. To-do lists were making me crazy. I can totally relate. I do miss my wife so much. So, so much. Cried for 30 minutes after work. I hate that my children are no longer settled. I’m out of the house, which will always be home base. I’m trying to keep my apartment clean and available. I do see my youngest every other week. The other is at school. I’m barely holding it together even after 1 year. The impact this has had in my kids I know is j…
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 09:35 PM
2

I’m still healing. I have to remember the sadness comes and goes. I’ve gotten into some bad habits but immediately stopped others and I’m not depressed anymore. It’s all new. I worry most about my boys. But they are doing fine. For me, routine is key. Write it down if you have to and follow it accurately. I’m still working on that a year later. I’m hoping the sadness runs it’s course and I can just live for a while. And be put together and strong for my sons. Of course I never wanted this for th…
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 01:34 AM
1

I’m just so sad. I do have a ton of shit to take care of. Can’t seem to do any of it. It’s an awful situation.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/25 05:27 PM
1

This is good to hear. I also feel so alone and am going to have to get a second job. I’m still so attached to my ex, but she’s gone. I still can’t believe it after 18 months. I hope I can someday get to where you are. Thanks
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/25 05:25 PM
2

Thank you all for your support. Accepting this new reality of our lives is almost impossible. I am better, but I want to thrive, and not die early. Yet mental health issues are not just something you get over. I have a feeling it will be up and down the rest of my life. So sad. I remember the great excitement and idealism of my younger days. Life truly does go down hill.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 05:50 AM
2

We really do support each other here. Thank goodness for that.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 05:45 AM
1

Well said. Handling problems means accepting she’s gone and lamenting the impact this is having on my kids. It’s so sad. How does anyone he through this?
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 05:42 AM
1

I know. Can’t get to the gym, but hav to do something.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 05:40 AM
1

Expecting someone else to ‘meet your needs’ is a major factor. It’s abusive to some extent. Of course this leads to resentment and contempt. We also have to look at our expectations and the dysfunction we bring from our family of origin. Throw in attachment styles and projection and it can become a real mess. In the midst of this there might be shame, fear of intimacy and lack of honesty. Oh, don’t forget mental health or physical sickness. Of course we take vows to work this stuff out when thin…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/25 04:13 PM
1

Thank you. I think I’ll be ok too. I seem to think the drink helps, but it doesn’t. It really just make me feel worse. Thanks for the support!
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/25 08:15 PM
2

Yes. Finding myself drinking in my car was scary as hell, yet when I’m in so much anguish it’s like I don’t care. Im not drinking anymore though. I had panic attacks all weekend and my son unexpectedly came over and my place looked like a frat house. I’m done. I am going to try gummies again. Sometimes they make me really depressed. But after work is just such a sad especially when I’m alone. Thanks for the response. You are right. Any little bit helps.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/25 08:13 PM
2

Yes, staying consistent is so tough. Good luck and congrats on no drinking.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/25 08:06 PM
2

This makes a lot of sense. Staying focused on me and what’s best is actually what my sons need to see. Like you I was the identified patient in the marriage. Depression, anxiety etc. Since I left some things have spontaneously changed for the good. I know the boys will be ‘ok’. I just hate that they have to go through this. I don’t even know what happened to my ex. We were on the verge of really getting better.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/25 08:05 PM
5

That’s actually my drink of choice!
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/25 07:52 PM
3

That’s a good way to look at it. I think I crossed a line last weekend I don’t want to revisit. Definitely a wake up call. Thanks for the response.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/25 07:49 PM
2

Thank you. The kids have to be the main priority.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/25 07:00 PM
1

Forget her projections. That’s genius, yet hard to do.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/25 02:18 AM
5

I ruminate. It’s awful. I don’t want to distract. I want to know what happened. Totally sideswiped. Wife stonewalled leaving me feeling unbearably guilty. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this. Been one year.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/25 05:33 PM
5

I’m a year in. I don’t know if things are better or not. For the first 6 months I was drinking and in shock, having panic attacks, worried about my sons. The shock allowed me to just be in automatic mode. One year in and the shock has worn off so it’s more difficult to do the healthy stuff. Not crying everyday, but still shaking in the morning, scared about the future and worried about getting older. It’s not fun. There will be remnants of this haunting me the rest of my life I fear. My boys are…
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/25 07:37 AM
2

Well she stonewalled and held onto a lot of contempt that she never discussed. Two horseman right there. Definitely a prisoner of her own projections. Good point.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/25 08:37 PM
3

Dude, you nailed it. It just has been pure agony her refusing to talk to me. Just total emotional abuse. And yes, it is unreal to be threatened with the law if you try and communicate with her. We are going to make it and hopefully closure no longer is an issue for us in the future.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/25 07:51 AM
1

I guess that could be true. Very sad to think about. I was dedicated to her and our marriage. We had kids. I thought I was secure, but would have pangs of fear over the years she would leave. I think I did know deep down. It’s crazy because I would find myself in a panic at times trying to make sure everything was ok in our marriage. She was totally projecting on me her misgivings. She says I rejected her, yet she ultimately rejected me. I was always scared. Still am. She has everything so twist…
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/25 07:47 AM
2

Yes. As I look back she has done this to many people in her past. Never thought I would get that treatment. Totally cruel emotional abuse.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/25 11:32 PM
5

I hide to. My ex refuses to speak to me. It is absolutely brutal. She’s in control. Even threatened to sue me or have me arrested for stalking if I email her anything other than about the kids. I’m livid. How can can someone do this!! A woman I dedicated my life to suddenly claims she will never talk to me again. I literally can’t handle it. I shake, have panic attacks. I’m dying with out her. One year in. I don’t know how I’m going to stay alive.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/25 12:13 AM
1

Also dedicated my life to God. That’s really helped out. LOL!
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/25 08:30 PM
1

Luckily my kids will be taken care of financially. Not sure about emotionally. They’ll definitely get that from me. I know there is something she is not telling me. She and I both wanted to avoid court. She makes 6 figures. I hardly make enough for rent. I should have fought for at least 2 years of support. She controlled the entire thing and still does. I think she controlled our entire relationship. Kind of subtly.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/25 08:28 PM
3

Well I’m older than you so even scarier. Yes, one would think that having kids together would be enough of a bond and foundation to really lay it out on the table and ‘decide’ to make it work. Falling in love is a foundation. Marriage vows are a foundation. You make it work from there. But none of us know what we’re doing in marriage. And family of origin issues are being projected into each other. We just have no insight and literally become disassociated. There were things my wife needed from …
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/25 06:45 PM
1

Thanks. There will come a point when we’ll all have to accept what has happened and hopefully get used to the new normal. It just all sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/25 06:36 PM
3

What else is there? Yes, I dedicated my life to it.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/25 06:12 AM
6

Many didn’t think it through and seemed to forget their vows.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/25 06:10 AM
7

Yes. No sympathy. Just stonewalling while I have to leave my house and lose everything. Everything except 50% of the time with my son. Forcing him to no longer be settled in one place, but have to go back and forth. It’s inhumane and absolutely cruel. God I never wanted this for him. I cannot believe this happened to me, yet my heart breaks for him. Kids need to be settled in one place with parents that have their back no matter what. It’s a living nightmare. I know he’ll be ‘ok’ yet I’m a child…
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/25 06:09 AM
5

Wish I had that financial stability. Would definitely ease some of the stress. I’m just having a hard time in disbelief tonight. Over one year. I miss her terribly. Not sure if there was an affair or not. I miss her so much and literally ache when my sos aren’t here. The panic attacks and hopelessness seem to have subsided. Now the stress is manifesting in physical symptoms. I still desperately want to talk to her, yet she continues to stonewall me, despite saying early on we could still be frie…
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 10:33 PM
2

Good idea man. Thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 02:02 AM
1

Thanks had a lot of vocational issues trying to figure what I wanted to do on top of having some toxic jobs. I always was working though and trying to ‘get ahead’. She always seemed supportive, but I think she resented it. Of course she never told me about the resentment. That’s always a step towards divorce. I think I’d go so far to say it’s abusive and so dishonest. One of the reasons many men feel blindsided. They had no idea about the resentment and by the time they come out it’s too late. I…
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/25 04:33 PM
1

Thanks. I am in therapy which has definitely helped. I’ve been wanting to get into a group. Can’t seem to find a local group so I’m going to look online. Appreciate your support. It is weird that many of us share the same story.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/25 03:59 PM
2

How did your wife gaslight you? Thanks for the book recommendation. The fear part is so interesting. I just went along with everything because I didn’t want to hurt her anymore and I was scared she had some information on me or something. I’m still paranoid. She seethes with hate for me now. She says my mental health problems caused her so much trauma that just writing an email to me makes her shake uncontrollably and that I emotionally abused her for the last 10 years. She acts as if I kept her…
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 04:42 PM
1

No worries. I always want to be called out. I want to know my effect on others and take accountability for my mistakes. No excuses. And yes, that is a confusing statement. Really points to how I’m still blaming myself. I’m just not capable of ‘hating her’. I don’t know what to think. In wasn’t perfect and she did the best she could. I just need to not have any opinion about ‘her’ just her behavior. I know that sentence is contradictory. I guess I’m just trying to be fair. I don’t know. Ultimatel…
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 11:44 AM
2

So true. We don’t get it all in one lifetime and you can either accept it and give your all to the life you chose, leave or wallow. I want my friend back to, but I wonder if she ever was. She is a person who is capable of this. That’s who she is. She’s also capable many other good or not so good things like all of us I guess. I know people change, but do they. This is the same person I married. It’s Not like something snapped. Or maybe it is. I do know that one of the cruelest things you can do …
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 11:37 AM
1

Thanks for the response and support. I think you make a great point. As the narrative of why we were divorcing kept changing you are probably right, me changing, which I was desperately trying to do, wouldn’t have worked. My issue you now is letting her go and focusing on my kids. Not to mention being scared to death about my financial future.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 11:29 AM
3

But we did meet them. This is the person we married and not some new behavior. At least that’s my thinking now. I don’t think she really changed, I think she always had it in her to do this. But I totally hear what you’re saying. It’s like I never met this person. I mean, is marriage just hope against hope now. It’s a huge gamble if someone is allowed to do this to another. I hope you are doing ok and I can definitely relate. The worst part was that not listening to me reason at all. I wanted to…
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 11:19 AM
13

These kind of generalizations don’t sit well with me. What does ‘lift a man up’ mean? The one story I see here constantly that is also my story is that the husband never changed to meet her needs. The wife never really told the husband to change, just hinted at it and let resentment grow to the point she is willing to destroy what usually is a pretty good relationship and a family. Is the the wife in that much anguish that it superseded any kind of love for the family? Does she suddenly become a…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 07:39 PM
1

You need to look at you and where that anger comes from. I’m sorry, but the name calling is abusive and has to stop. It’s good you can admit it. You just have to make a decision to stop. Her work will be to stop pushing your buttons. In marriage you take vows precisely so you don’t walk away when this stuff comes up. You work it through and in the future you will be damn glad you did. Another thing to do is to write your exact vision of what you want the marriage to be down to details like what …
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/25 10:52 PM
1

Thank you. It has gotten to a point where I have to accept she’s gone. I need to make amends with myself and take accountability for what I think I did wrong. I’m still not totally sure. I know doing s journal will help somehow. I’ve brought myself to do It before and it has been helpful to bring some perspective. So I see what you’re saying and I appreciate your perspective. Right now it is very skewed toward guilt, confusion and hopelessness. A journal will definitely help. Thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/25 08:12 PM
2

Well, I’m in a local Dead tribute band. Are you a fan? Ex was never really supportive of it. Maybe I’ll meet a nice female jam friendly fan. That would be amazing. Trying to get my son to a jam show. I think he’s love it. Peace friend.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/25 05:30 PM
3

Jam band.😊
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/25 07:15 AM
2

I hear what you are saying. It remains a sad and unbelievable situation. Right, she has to take care of herself. I worry so much about the kids. And I obviously am having a very hard time moving on. It is what it is though. Life is crazy.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/25 04:45 AM
2

I’m one year out. Was expecting to feel better. I’d say I’m probably worse. My wife has vowed to never talk to me again except about kids. I still feel devastated and alone. I literally don’t know if I can survive another day. I’m confused, I feel so guilty yet I’m not really sure what I did I. I miss everything I lost so much. It’s unbearable.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 11:05 PM
3

So sorry. It’s just devastating and you what you need to in order to survive. Something tells me you’ll be better sooner that later. I’m still struggling one year in. What a crazy world we live in.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 03:51 AM
1

Man, this is a tough situation. I’m so sorry. I’m worried about my teenager now having to live half time with a live-in boyfriend. Have kids with special needs with another man would be tough. I hope that maybe you can work it out for the kids. I know others will disagree, but I think you could grow as a couple from this. It happens and it sucks, but it doesn’t have to be the end of the world. You can work it out.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 03:03 PM
5

My ex has destroyed me and I bet when/if I finally pick up the pieces she’ll do something like this. I’m pretty sure the grass is not greener on the other side for her despite it seeming that way. Of course, I also want her to be well, despite what’s happened. I’d have a very hard time not responding to this, but probably best not to, especially if you’ve moved on.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 12:53 PM
1

Well, I’m trying.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/25 07:20 AM
1

Totally. It’s a constant sh!t show.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/25 07:07 AM
1

Thanks for the response. I will look into that.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/25 09:44 PM
0

Meaning we unconsciously feel like we’re not whole or we have mental problems or other issues and we expect marriage to fix that. Only to find it magnifies it all. It’s an insane institution.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/25 12:33 AM
3

I’d say life is hard as hell. Yet we fear death. I welcome it. Nothing has worked out.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/25 05:51 AM
1

People get married to feel better about themselves.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/25 05:49 AM
2

Thanks for the support.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 11:25 PM
2

Thanks for checking in. I’m living in a better place, but I’m probably worse now as far as mental health goes. Panic attacks etc. It’s just been the worst year of my life and I see no light at end of the tunnel. Not sure how I’ve survived this long.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 09:01 PM
1

Still hard to believe that this happened. Finally getting angry about it. Just trying to make it through the day. Hoping to be thriving at some point soon rather than just surviving.
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/25 11:11 AM
1

If I could get past struggling with irrational guilt I’d defiantly be in a better place.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 08:41 PM
2

I’m beginning to think this myself. Maybe some good days, but this will haunt me forever.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 08:37 PM
4

I’m one year out and this has probably been the worst week since I was ‘forced’ to move out. Panic attacks, hopelessness, issues with my son, suicidal thoughts, crying way more than usual. So who knows. I was reading an article that talked about giving up the life one once had and not necessarily the person and that this helps in the healing process. What a life this turned out be.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 08:31 PM
1

Thank you. I’m starting to feel better. Understanding I’m now on my. It’s been 8 months. Still have a ways to go. Thanks for the invite!
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/24 04:39 AM
1

I go to therapy and a divorce group. It helps. I also text a few people. I try to talk to my dad but he is becoming less and less available. I’m scared there will never be a back to normal for me.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/24 02:36 PM
2

I lost everything. My ex lost nothing. And I’m still reeling over how this happened. She no longer talks to except about kids stuff. And only over email. She’s not the caring woman I married. I don’t know who she is any more. It’s literally unbelievable the way she has treated me since telling me she wanted a divorce. She made a big mistake. I’m a good, caring, loving and committed man.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 10:48 PM
4

Overthinking in bed. Ugh. That’s me!
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 10:44 PM
5

I’m 8 months in and It is tough to let go of. I think a lot of us men just switched on our commitment brain and assumed we’d be married forever. Getting out of that mindset is so hard. I don’t know if I want to go back, but the future is so uncertain and every day there’s some new challenge in living alone or being a single parent. I’m still having a really hard time.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/24 10:43 PM
2

I can relate to this so much. I’ve dealt with so much shame and guilt over every damn aspect of my marriage. It was killing me. Therapy and talking to other divorced men has helped me. First thing is to try and put everything you did or didn’t do into perspective of everything else that caused the divorce. No matter what you think, it was not all your fault. Think of it in terms of percentages. The other thing is to learn from it. Admit your mistakes, take responsibility for them, be accountable…
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 08:50 PM
1

Thanks. I am actually doing crunches, for some reason I just call them sit-ups.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/24 04:12 PM
2

I can’t get to the gym. But am running and doing sit-ups and push ups. Hope that’s enough for now. I think I’m canceling it all out with the 2-3 beers I now drink every other day to dull the pain.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/24 02:01 AM
2

For me it’s more about the fear and being alone. I really have no interest in anything sexual these days. So much shame to work through that was just amplified in my marriage. It’s a heavy burden.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 12:05 PM
7

Christ. I think I’ve heard that before, but what a gut punch. You take vows, build a family only to be taken away in a second…from the one you took vows with. The most ironic and devastating thing in the world.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/24 09:03 PM
1

Trust me, think this through very intentionally. Try to save your marriage. Being divorced sucks beyond belief and you don’t believe it unless you’ve been there. Don’t go there. Make your marriage your purpose in life and in 1 year you will be happy.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/24 02:44 AM
1

Just seeing this and it is true. I would never give up because getting married and working at it is the love. The cool part is that you live in to those words when you work at it. I would never have given up on my ex wife. She gave up on me when I was sick. The one person that vows not to. Yet blood is thicker than water and she will forever maintain relationships with toxic parents and other family members. Yet somehow I feel like this is all my fault.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 11:22 AM
2

I’ve tried and am still trying to get through to her. I know for me health wise I have to give up. But who knows. I’ll try to talk to her until I don’t have to. Not sure when that will be. I’m at 6 months. Still in disbelief, depressed, starting to get angry, feeling so guilty despite fault on both sides. I just want to feel better and move on, but about every 2 weeks I try to contact her to talk. I’m desperate for some sort of closure. I’m so tired of this being my life. Yet I can’t shake it.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/24 10:29 AM
1

You do the best you can in the situation you are in. So many little things I wish I would have done different. Some, I clearly was unable to because of illness.
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/24 11:46 PM
3

Lucky you are young. So sorry you’re going through this. I’m with you, everything sucks. I’m still here because if my two boys, but for me the anxiety and depression is almost unbearable. Seriously wondering if I’ll make it through. My wife also became very cold to the point where she will not speak to me except email. She acts as if she saw me she’d have a seizure. It’s all just unbelievable and I’m exhausted.
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/24 08:55 PM
3

Is it a therapy retreat for men who recently got divorced? Will probably be expensive. It’ll be good and emotional, but it won’t speed the grief process and you’ll probably end up in weekly therapy anyway. Those retreats are very supportive, but heavy on learning coping skills that you just might not be able to do right now. It’ll definitely help in some way if you’re open to it.
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/24 08:51 PM
3

This is good to hear, especially the idea of double downing. That’s what I need to do in order to get better. Eight months in. Not sure you can speed grief, but there are things I can do to really take care of myself through this awful time.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/24 03:42 PM
2

It is kind of crazy how I do want to talk to her and be friends and miss her so much. yet she has caused so much pain in this divorce. My life just completely turned upside down. Mourning the family and the family future is the hardest. I think I keep myself from really looking at her role by blaming myself.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/24 03:05 PM
1

I to think that, but I think there is some truth to that. I just don’t understand going and working on nothing while the other, scared shitless, fights to the bitter end. And then you’re left with your life turned upside down.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/24 05:07 PM
2

Good to know the self care stuff actually worked. Trying so hard to keep up with that.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/24 12:48 PM
1

I also was the IP, identified patient. I’ve got to give that up because it is not helping me adjust.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 11:16 PM
22

If a woman is deeply unhappy she needs to talk to her husband, for real and not withhold resentments and she needs to see her role. How do you go from taking vows, raising children, sharing a bed to never talking to me again. That is some borderline psychosis stuff there. I guess I’m entering the anger stage of grief. This is not where me or my sons are supposed to be in our lives!!
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 08:49 PM
1

Don’t know if this is all women, but either men are totally deaf and disassociated or women just with with hold to the point point resentment and then stonewalling.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 11:00 PM
1

That’s probably true. I was always thinking, doing, wanting to talk. That may have been pushed her away. I never really got much feedback and was always wondering what was going on. Definitely my anxious attachment and her basically non-attachment style.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 10:39 AM
5

I didn’t file. So yes. Unfortunately it’s not my call. I have to move forward with or without her. I’d love to be with her. We could grow so much if we stayed together and worked it out.
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/24 03:11 AM
1

I wonder if you could say more. To give her the benefit of the doubt I’d say we both I did. But what you say is intriguing. To some extent she did allow it to be toxic and just did nothing while I worked on myself and wanted to talk stuff through and was committed.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 02:39 PM
1

You’re lucky as hell that she wanted to work it out. My wife didn’t. I had a little hope this week, yet she flat out said it’s over. Still don’t know why. You make commitments. She said our relationship got toxic and we didn’t know what to do and it was both of our faults. I was glad to hear this as it has lifted a lot of blame from me. Her I did know what to do to save the marriage. She’s rather ‘move forward’ and date idiots. It is devastating.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 04:36 AM
8

I’m just surviving day by day. I have some hopeful things on the horizon. Absolutely love the time with my kids. The rest of the time I’m a complete mess. People say it gets better. I don’t think I believe them anymore. The guilt I carry is unbearable. I feel a hopelessness that will never let up. I am utterly depressed and devastated. I literally shake all day because I’m alone and anxious. There’s never going to be a higher baseline than this I don’t think. I’m alive because of my boys. That’s…
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 06:11 AM
2

I think my wife did not want to go to trial because she was hiding something. Luckily we didn’t because it would have been so much more money. I had nothing to hide, but wouldn’t have wanted to go through that or pay for that. It’s weird how they could ask for gambling stuff when the other spouse might be causing just as much damage being on social media 24/7. It’s all so arbitrary.
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/24 01:07 AM
1

Thanks. God knows I’m working on it.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/24 12:58 PM
2

Thank you. Trying to see the world that way.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/24 07:27 AM
2

Ha, so true. I’m working, but the chores are almost impossible to keep up with. We can only do what we can do.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/24 02:38 AM
7

I’m trying to do all the right things too and I’m a complete mess many times during the week. 6 months in. It’s either unbearable anxiety or debilitating depression. Doing the best I can I guess. Getting older doesn’t help. Seriously not sure how I’m going to survive this. You’re not alone, if that’s any solace. May we be free from suffering some day.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/24 02:34 AM
3

I think I’m realizing that, one thing at a time. I’ve already got some good habits under my belt (making bed, walking every morning, keeping car clean). I was making these long to do lists that just became overwhelming. Think this week I’ll add one more think; keeping kitchen clean. Won’t be hard. If I can slowly add stuff like that I think it’ll be easier. Glad you are doing well.
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/24 06:16 PM
6

Glad the depression has lifted. Any words of wisdom?
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/24 06:12 PM
2

Thanks for the response. I’m slowly getting used to living on my own doing the things that you’re doing; keeping place clean, going to church etc. I’m just surviving though. I am so depressed and anxious. I usually have one or two days where I have a huge meltdown. Luckily evenings are ok and I’m doing ok at work. I do see a therapist, take meds and go to a divorce support group. It Al helps, but I have a long way to go in my recovery. I still miss my wife so much and our family. So many issues …
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/24 01:48 PM
6

I don’t think they consider the consequences much less have any sympathy for the kids or the ex spouse. Even if I was adamant about a divorce I would still work with my ex to make sure they are doing ok, settled, etc. My ex seems to not give one shit about me or how it’s effecting the kids. She completely ignores me now and I think she hardly engages the kids. I guess this is what she wanted. I mean, the devastation this causes for the other spouse…to not even validate it is tantamount to sociop…
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/24 12:12 AM
7

I know. One thing I will never get over is the irony that the one person you talk vows with and commit to in front of g-d is able to throw that all out the window, with basically little explanation and leave. Or in my case, force me to leave. The one person in your life that you’re supposed to be able count on can just end it all. Marriage in our society needs a major overhaul.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/24 09:41 PM
1

I’m still not convinced she cheated, but I wouldn’t be surprised. Who knows.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/24 12:08 AM
2

My wife ended it fast. I guess she has been planning this. I think she had things she didn’t want discovered. Meanwhile I was the complete bad guy.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 10:33 PM
2

I’m the same as you guys. Divorced at 50. Have the extra fun of trying to get promotes To make more money. It’s been devastating. If I’m still reeling a year out, I don’t know what I’m do. I think I am feeling a little better and have a career plan. This is just where I’m at now. Life is no tv show. It’s hard as hell and having so many unknowns when this happens is almost unbearable.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 10:30 PM
4

I was the one depressed. As far as I can tell she couldn’t handle it. She doesn’t talk to me anymore. I’m beginning to wonder the same thing, was she capable of love or loving. Her parents withheld and she withheld in the marriage. I think she also held on to resentments and never told me. So sad.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 10:24 PM
3

I can relate to your story. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety for years. The last few years it got really bad and was actually traumatizing for my ex wife. By the end of the process she couldn’t even talked to me because it triggered her. It’s been a heavy burden to carry. I’m not sure that being married was part of my depression. I’m still grieving the loss of her. I wish we could have separated to see if maybe we could give it another try. Hope you find some healing friend.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 11:44 AM
1

I agree. I think if we could talk we’d clear up some misunderstandings.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 12:44 AM
0

You’re saying that laundry list usually indicates something else was going on?
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 06:48 PM
4

I’m still wondering. Her narrative changed all the way through to then point where I had somehow traumatized her with my depression. Now she says she will never say a thing to me again except about the kids. I had no say AND I can see her being traumatized by living with someone with depression. But that’s what you do in marriage! I would never have left her. And the fact that she won’t talk to me is just killing me. I know my sons see it and they are confused and sad and angry. I wish there was…
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 06:47 PM
2

Right. I took vows, I was committed, I got divorced by the one person who is supposed to stick by you. And I’m to blame for all of it.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 10:12 AM
1

My ex wanted the divorce done super quick. She had to give me some money. She seemed to want an amicable divorce, which I guess we did. She just said some awful things through her lawyer. I guess she knew I would pretty much acquiesce to everything.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 10:09 AM
1

I think Al we can do is have good healthy routines, focus on our kids and work. And then hope the depression/anxiety/guilt goes away. For some, like myself, I don’t think it will. If you want another relationship you can’t push it. If it happens it happens. All of this easier said than done. I know.
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/24 06:50 PM
1

Are those that want mediators trying to hide stuff too?
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/24 06:46 PM
1

So you know devastating it is. Hope your making headway.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 01:14 AM
2

Same here. I’m just destroyed. Miss my son so much when he’s not here. Wish so much my ex would talk to me. It is a whole new life. One in which I’ve lost a ton and every aspect of my life has been turned upside down.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 10:06 PM
1

That’s good to know. I’m doing the same things and hope that 8 months to a year lead to some relief.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 10:02 PM
2

Yes. I feel the same way. It’s always there and is just killing me. I’m functional and it does get better. I’m 8 months out and I I really want it to get a lot better. It’s exhausting.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 10:01 PM
1

That’s a great idea. We need to make our own new memories and activities. I know kids are so perceptive. I don’t want to screw then up even more, by breaking down in front of them.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 10:54 PM
1

Hey there. I’m up and down. I make it through the day, but mornings are hard and evenings are harder. I don’t know when I’m going to turn a corner. I push and push to try and use coping skills etc. But I’m still devastated for myself and my sons. I thought I was seeing some light, but had a huge breakdown last night. Taking one day at a time I guess. How have you been.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 10:48 AM
1

I know. I here it all the time here. However, at times it’s almost impossible to move on. I do need to remember all of the unhappy things from my marriage, yet recently have been so nostalgic and I’m just so sad my kids have to go through this. I will have to get to a point of accepting this new reality and making ‘new good times’ with the kids. I’m trying, but I get so overwhelmed with hopelessness and guilt. I don’t know how much more I can take.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 10:45 AM
1

It’s funny I have been remembering the good times so hard and missing them so hard. I literally don’t know how it going to move on and that is my only choice it seems.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 01:36 AM
2

I’ve tried the apps. They are just like okaying gambling. You end up paying to win the house and you just end up giving up your money. And if some one does make, the chances of you going on a date is slim. People people love chat and all the women seem so generic. I’m late 40s. Thanks don’t foresee ever settling down again. I’d love to, but just making it through this divorce is almost more than I can bear.
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 01:32 AM
1

Narcissists want you to destroy yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/24 09:53 PM
2

Thanks. I do need to give myself some grace and I know the grief process must take its course. I feel myself getting closer to realizing it is all over. Just memories now and the hope of a future that will not come. And ultimately, the death of a partner I thought I once knew. I know it will bring some peace. I hope the pain lets up a little bit in the near future. I’m holding in for dear life some times.
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/24 07:52 PM
1

Thank you for that thoughtful response. Truth is I just miss my family and the life we built. Friends, activities, daily life, jokes. It’s so hard to accept things the way n they are now. I don’t want to accept them. I feel like I’ll become incapacitated if I accept the truth that’s it’s over. It’s overwhelming what I’ve lost.
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/24 01:01 PM
1

I wish I felt relief and a peace. I just have fear and depression. I miss her so much. I’m even when I have my son I wake feeling so depressed thinking if what has happened to us. I hate smells in this apartment. It’s such so hard to get motivated to keep it clean etc.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/24 04:05 PM
2

Yeah, this is the worst part. I didn’t plain for this or want this to happen to my children. It just really sucks and is a burden on them. They love us both and of course want use to be happy. My divorce finalized in June. I moved out in April. It has been the wort thing to ever happen to me. I’m hoping for some relief soon as I’ve struggled with the worst depression, anxiety and guilt. I’m working through it, but it has been devastating. I wonder if she will ever regret it? I’m a good man and w…
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/24 11:25 AM
1

This happened to me. Because of the relationship and other things I got depressed and anxious. My wife had a very hard time dealing with it. Said she was traumatized and emotionally abused. I can definitely see how living with a mentally ill person can be traumatizing, but didn’t do this on purpose! I wish we could have separated and then tried again, but she is too traumatized. Does not even communicate with me besides kid stuff. It has been so hard.
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/24 11:13 AM
2

It’s pretty mind blowing.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/24 01:48 AM
4

I should have done that.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/24 01:41 AM
0

Anger helps with letting go. But it still is tough.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/24 03:46 PM
2

Thank you. You named it all! Getting used to some of that, but having a very hard time with others. Mornings are rough. It’s really just one day at a time at this point. I appreciate your support.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/24 12:34 PM
3

I’m in sad stage anger phase. Still scared and have a huge breakdown about 3-4 times per week. Finally letting her go and seeing who she really is. I get suicidal to. Getting angry. We so fucking selfish and abusive. I’m doing everything I can to move forward. Even eating is so much better. Still tweaking it. It hurts though. So, so much. Hold on. You are not alone. DM me if you like. Peace to you brother.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/24 04:28 AM
1

I can relate to all of this. Yes, the further out I get I see the real woman I married. I’m slowly letting her go. There were glimpses during our relationship. I hope it will ultimately be freeing when I don’t think about her anymore. I’m just having a hell of a time with loneliness and debilitating anxiety. Everything is a new routine or responsibility. I’m exercising, eating well, staying off social media and other crap. Have a fairly clear career path. But I’m still basically in scared shitle…
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/24 04:12 AM
2

Same story. I told him to change over and over and he didn’t so I divorced him without explaining why. Seemingly no consideration for the devastating effects on everyone. Then I stonewall him. Men sometimes literally cannot see the issues until divorce is decided on. They are disassociated. And of course there never seems to be talk of what the wife has done or how she might need to change. If she ‘misbehaved’ it’s the husband’s fault. You have to live into love. Both sides. Breaking vows should…
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/24 02:55 AM
1

Well thank you for that. I think I did dodge a bullet. But my life has drastically changed in ways I never wanted it to. I’m definitely trying to use the anger for positive gain.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 10:06 PM
2

I’m angry too. So fucking angry and alone. I hope I can use the anger to heal because I need relief soon.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 10:32 AM
1

This is awful man! I can totally relate to the mental breakdown and wanting to kill yourself. Narcissists basically push you toward that. My ex also tried to paint me as an emotional abuser. Never explained what she meant and still won’t. She also said I traumatized her with my depression. I could go on, but it’s the irony of all ironies that the ONE person you are supposed to count on in this life, the one you take vows in front of god with, is able to destroy your life and essentially give no …
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 04:52 AM
1

Thank you. Seems to be a familiar story. I hardly know who my ex is now. Although as time goes on in recognize it more and more in the past. Stonewalling, my way or the highway, treating me with so much disdain and condescension. Time to get angry I guess.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 04:40 AM
1

She then traveled out of town for about weeks in a row. 4 to the same state. Not sure if she cheated or not.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/24 06:26 PM
1

Mine came home from a trip and suddenly changed. Not sure what happened on that trip. She went back to the same place a week later.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/24 06:23 PM
1

I think midlife crisis played a role In my situation too. That’s why the narrative kept changing.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/24 06:21 PM
12

I’m weary of discussions about ‘all women’ and get that I have externalized things I did/didn’t do in the marriage. I also understand that ‘it takes two to tango’. But the point made above is validating. My ex-wife’s narrative for why she wanted a divorce changed and changed and then she quit talking to me. She suddenly became this other person literally over night. I still don’t understand what happened and she treats me as if I was her former abductor or something. We had issues that could tot…
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/24 02:07 PM
1

That might be part of it. Isn’t there research indicating that couples that want a divorce, but don’t, after 5 years are glad they didn’t? It’s an almost unsurvivable nightmare. I was a child of divorce and compound that with all the shit from my divorce I literally shake worrying about children. What can I do though when my ex comes home says she wants a divorce 7 months ago and then literally will not talk to me. I’m left in this whirlwind of guilt etc. I agreed to everything because I was mad…
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 12:03 PM
2

Luckily I do have a fairly good support system. Only goes so far though. I feel like this is getting more difficult by the day. I have no hope it will get better. Thanks for the response.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/24 06:55 PM
2

It does suck that it takes time and experience and for me therapy. A lot of this insight is good, but I guess it’s to late for my ex and me. She’s not available to see her role and I guess there is no going back because of resentment and contempt. I struggle so much with blaming myself, even though I was the one literally doing all the emotional work while she just told me she felt rejected. In reality I was being rejected and she felt rejected by her mom and dad. I worked hard to do the opposit…
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/24 05:18 PM
4

This is probably true. They want something they never got from their family or husband and never really talked about it. Then they just quit. I was always the one working on my feelings etc., while she waited for me to fulfill her emotional needs. Yet there is so much to unpack there. I so wish we could have worked on it. We both would have grown so much. Thant being said, it’s not fair to rely on someone else to meet your emotional needs. And you need to have at least some awareness of what the…
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/24 05:07 PM
1

Right. My ex doesn’t even talk to me anymore except them through email about the children. Thing is, through out the marriage we talked and worked stuff out and she even accused me of not wanting to be married several times. Suddenly, working on the marriage was off the table and divorce. I know she’s say I’m selfish, but wanted to work it out. It all got turned upside down and the devastation has been ongoing. 8 months for me and I’m better, but still reeling. Have to get focused on just being …
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/24 01:45 AM
1

Same with mine. They think they don’t have issues, which precludes any work on their part.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/24 11:31 PM
3

My ex wife and I worked on stuff. We had ongoing issues, some of which were my fault, but workable. But she didn’t want to work anymore and became dead set on divorce. That’s it. Devastating.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/24 10:59 PM
1

Good point on growth. Marriages are such amazing opportunities for personal growth as one’s unconscious issues emerge and psychological projection abounds. If you can see this, own it and process it you’ll grow so much. This is one of the biggest regrets I have about my marriage. Incidentally, this kind of work takes sacrifice as well. Which is another area to process and grow.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/24 10:49 PM
2

The spark gets you committed and married then you work to build a loving relationship through communication, connection etc. All this talk of meeting needs etc. will just kill a marriage, I think.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/24 10:43 PM
5

People change and they don’t. I’m he side of my ex wife I see now I have seen before, but never, ever thought I’d be on the receiving end. It has been devastating. I’m still in disbelief. Some days I’m ok, other days I just miss her and our family so bad. Things are getting better on the whole I guess. I can see divorce being a major cause of suicide. It is a a major loss of so many things.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 07:39 PM
3

You marry someone to meet the holes left by your parents parents. So unfair and it results in the other becoming more miserable. If we could see this, more first marriages might be saved.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 02:58 AM
2

I know I got screwed on the pint checking account issue. Ugh.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/24 01:51 PM
1

Yes. I’ve been having an awful recurring dream where I attempt to talk to her, but she’s not available. I wake up in a semi panic attack every time. I think it’s indicative of how much she never listened to me no matter how hard t tried to communicate. Ironically, she was the one that said she felt rejected.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 09:36 PM
1

When I wrote that initial post, things were very intense. I’m 6 months out now. I have a 15 year old that spends half time with me. I’d say it’s not as intense. I do have crying spells still. Now it’s more of a perpetual sadness and fear about being alone. I’m still hoping thing bc a turn around. I know I’ll never forget my ex and our marriage, but I hope to move on somehow. Good luck to you.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 09:04 PM
1

It’s the part I’m having a very hard to give up.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 01:09 AM
1

Yeah, definitely in that freeze state. It sucks. I do see a therapist every week so that is very helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/24 08:05 PM
1

Thank you. I have cut sugar. Not alcohol yet. It’s the only relief. I know radical acceptance is helpful. I hope I can get to a place to see that. Just that everything in my life has been turned upside down. Add in some debilitating guilt And it’s a living nightmare. I’m scared shitless and cannot get out I’d fight or flight.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/24 07:38 PM
4

I’m 6 months in and ending it all continues to cross my mind. I was doing better over the summer because I went to an intensive mental health day treatment program for 6 weeks. Since going back to work and my oldest going back to college I am spiraling. Crying hard everyday etc. I just keep waiting for this grief to lift. I had a good exercise routine going and am eating better, but I’m barely holding on. I know part of the problem is that I need to realize or accept the end of my marriage. I li…
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/24 07:01 AM
2

What’s the fundamental issue then? We’re talking about coping skills not deep, analytical therapy. 😉
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/24 12:54 AM
2

Did she change or has she been this way the entire time and I never saw it? I’m so ducking confused it’s driving me crazy. I do have to give up all of these questions, worries and guilt. We can’t even just have a conversation anymore. It is just so weird, sad, baffling and scary.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 10:28 PM
6

That’s the big one. Daily work in accepting that she is gone. God it kills me to even say that.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 10:24 AM
2

I find there are certain times of day I miss her most. Usually in the morning. I’ve been having this repeat dream of trying to talk to her, but she won’t hear me or listen. I have to just get out of bed and go do my walk. I think about her during the day and it takes practice to remind yourself why you’re not together and focusing on the task at hand (work, making dinner). It’s hard and takes practice. I know I need to start journaling more about what happened and what’s happening now. Get my mi…
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 10:23 AM
1

Yeah, claiming abuse part is/was awful. Definitely midlife crisis and possibly emotional affair. I have a friend who thinks ‘she got some bad advice’. I don’t know what to think anymore. I’ve cycles through all the emotions and the grief still hits me like a ton of bricks. I have future plans and hope to god they work out, if not I’ll be on the streets. Now I’m just trying to keep my shot together for my kids. I can’t imagine ever being happy again. Guess we’ll see. This experience continues to …
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/24 09:28 PM
1

Makes sense. We’re both 49. You just never know when some weird coincidence can happen. There’s a lot of mystery around why my wife wanted a divorce so I’m still on edge about it all.
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/24 07:55 PM
1

You recognize my name from these forums? Do you know something?
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/24 07:05 PM
6

Constant issues. They seem to come up about once every 2 weeks. I’ll just be sideswiped again and again.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 08:58 PM
1

Thank you. I might do that.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 09:39 AM
2

Thank you. Those lyric are so validating. I might take you up on the DM. Thank you and peace.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 02:09 AM
2

I do have to remember time is a healer. And you I right, I’m not alone. Like you said. Hate it that my kids have to go through this. Thank you again!
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 02:07 AM
3

Thank you. I did walk. Sundays do suck for some reason. During the week I’m fairly stable. Still need to the gym. That seems to be key. Thank you for your response and concern.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 02:05 AM
1

Thanks so much for the wise response. You are right. We brought our kids into the world. We owe them. It sucks so awful they have to go through this. The scary part is when our emotions get in the way of being good parents. It’s so fucking hard. ‘Another day’. I’m with you on that. So true. Our future has been dashed and the days are mundane. Need to focus on things in the future. I’m definitely in freeze state. Just trying to make it through the days. Thanks again for your support.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 12:02 AM
4

It takes the pain away for a while though. Ugh.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 11:32 PM
3

Thanks for sharing. Excruciating is a great word for it. Sorry you’re going through this nightmare. This site has been helpful and I’m lucky to have some friends and family to lean on. It’s hard to really open up to them though.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 11:31 PM
8

Thanks. It’s really hard to believe better days are ahead. I’m doing my best. I’m probably putting too much on myself. Thanks for your support.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 04:57 PM
3

I know. I hear you. I need to work harder at this. Makes so much sense that giving up the guilt would decrease the misery. Thanks for your support.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 04:55 PM
3

Thanks for the response. Seems like I feel like this every 2-3 weeks. Just when I feel like I’m moving forward. Trying to hold on.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 04:53 PM
8

Thank you for this list. However, today, I’m very close to not being able to go on. I do have children, but really have no other reason to stay on this earth. The misery and guilt gets more and more unbearable.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 04:08 PM
1

Thanks for sharing that. I’ve come to a point where staying in a routine helps so much and trying to focus on what I want to do. Depression and anxiety still get in the way a few times a week, but the routine has been key for me. I am getting in shape after a long while and slowly eating better. Trying integrate things I Lin to do as well. There still is that underlying sadness that I’m in this situation. It’s only been 6 months with two tough years before that. thanks m definitely better now, b…
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 01:32 PM
1

Thanks. Yes. I’m in that position right now. I have to heal for myself and solidify my identity apart from my wife. Only then could I even consider trying a new relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 12:35 AM
2

I hear you. It’s bittersweet. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. So sorry. The dreams can be awful.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 07:54 PM
2

Probably miss being in a relationship and family life. I genuinely miss her to some extent as well. Things I don’t miss too. 😉 Trying to focus on those things. You just have this whole life together and then it’s gone. It’s really inhumane. And then stonewalling. I just can’t get over that these people that divorce us were to be the people I’m our lives who literally vowed never to do these things! I mean, what’s the point of marriage these days? Really?
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 07:53 PM
1

Yeah. Mornings are awful. Thanks Beas doing ok with them, then last weekend I started with the dreams. Sleep is no longer a respite. I hope someday it is again.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/24 05:41 AM
1

Will do. Luckily I have experience. It’s just been a few years.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 11:07 PM
2

Ok man, you’ve convinced me. 😉
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 06:39 PM
1

Well I do see a therapist and that has helped a lot. Staying occupied is key. Thanks for the response.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 10:41 AM
1

I hear you. For me it’s a logistical thing. I’m trying to do body strength exercises at home at least. They help a bit.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 10:40 AM
1

It’s been about 6 months since separation and about a month since finalized. I know it’s really early. I sometimes feel like I’m farther along than I am, but then something will remind me of how far I’ve come and how far I need to go. There’s lots of what ifs and fear still. I think missing her has a lot to do with the lack of stability and security that comes with a divorce sometimes. I’m really struggling with that.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 10:38 AM
1

That’s a good attitude. I know for me I do want to feel all I can, learn and move on. It’s hard. Good luck moving out. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I did it!
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 08:57 AM
1

Thanks for the response. Good advice on the forgiving. Thanks m getting there. We both did our best with what we knew. It’s sad to think she has just totally not held on to anything concerning me. But I do have to quit worrying about her and focusing on building my own new life. I thought it would be more exciting, but it’s just been pure devastation. I’m still in denial of living by myself and that all this happened. I can’t wait to get to a point where I enjoy my own space apart from her or an…
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/24 12:04 AM
2

Thanks. Have to remember that. Seems like it just goes up and down. I was doing ok for a few weeks and now this weekend feels like I’m back at square one.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 11:58 PM
2

That’s a really good point. It is mind blowing how much has changed. I do have to embrace what I have and make my own life. Slowly working towards letting go of guilt and blame on my end. Also realizing she is not the same person I married. It’s hard because I would never Do what she did. Yet I ultimately have to accept it at some point or I’ll never get ‘better’. I have to believe there are good things around the corner for me.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 08:36 PM
2

Thanks for the advice. I’m starting to see my family is not over, just different now. I wish this didn’t happen for my kids’ sake and wish they didn’t have to adjust. It is what it is now. Just trying to find that routine has been hard and wanting them to feel at home at my place. Trying to move on. It’s tough. Some days I’m fine, others I’m a complete mess. Have just been so damn anxious this weekend. I’m learning not to blame my wife, but understand she has to hold on to her narrative of what …
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 05:48 PM
1

This sounds like it might be a good exercise. Thanks. Everything definitely wasn’t perfect in her end.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 12:32 PM
2

Me too. It’s so bizarre.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 04:12 AM
2

Mine wa very assertive and I’m getting that side of her personality. Totally relies on her for emotional support. Probably flavors solfataras narcissism. I’m still not sure she cheated, but there is lots of evidence she did. Guess it doesn’t matter now. I definitely am I. Withdraw. Good call!
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 04:10 AM
2

Thank you. So much transition. It’s hard to see the light at the door of the tunnel.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 04:06 AM
3

Of course I’m sure you begged etc. and she just wouldn’t listen. What a traumatic experience. Do you have any clue what happened if you don’t mind me asking.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 10:39 PM
4

Oh, that’s tough to hear. We always talked about being a United front against the world. I just wish I had a good answer for what happened. Does she just forget all the good times? We took vows to work this stuff out. Marriage vows mean nothing.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 10:36 PM
1

That’s the the worst…that it doesn’t matter anymore. I still have slight future hope that I know I have to give up. We both played a role. She struggled with my mental health issues and she maybe have cheated. Not sure. God, this all sucks!
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 10:30 PM
2

Radical acceptance. Sounds good, but so hard to do. My wife initially said she wanted to stay friends, but she quickly just cut me off. I wish I knew what changed. My ex-wife never really dealt with anything. She just built resentments and is just holding so tight to those now.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 10:24 PM
3

That’s my fear, that I’ll never get over her. I have a feeling she is moving on ok. I’ve been an emotional wreck.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 10:18 PM
1

Yeah, that is probably true. I’m still somewhat in the denial stage still. When it it really hits me this is over I basically go into a panic.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 10:17 PM
2

I wish I could focus on the negative. My wife said she wanted a divorce when she came back from a trip. I tried to reconcile a few times and it it just drove her away to the point where she only communicates via terse texts now. One day we were watching a show laughing and kissing each other good night and the next day she wants a divorce. Her narrative changes to the point of being the ultimate victim. She says that any interaction with me is re-traumatizing for her. I don’t get it. She went fr…
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 10:15 PM
2

At least we aren’t alone. It’s scary to be on our own. I just always thought we’d be together forever doing life and supporting each other. Alas, not to be.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 10:04 PM
3

Sorry you’re going through this. I need to get to the anger stage too. But yes, I just miss that security of the family unit. Just the traditions and inside jokes etc. Really hitting me today.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 10:02 PM
2

Right, we were awesome parents together. I know my ex has major family of origin issues that played a roll in our break up. I couldn’t meet those needs.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 06:18 PM
2

Lord, that’s tough to hear. When there personality changes it’s so hard to deal with. I miss the woman that was my wife. What happened to her? Now she barely talks to me.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 06:15 PM
1

Thank you. I desperately miss the way she was. I can’t help but wonder what happened and just feel so guilty.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 06:12 PM
1

Good to know. It’s been about 3 months out of the house for me. I’ve been doing ok, but never know when that grief will hit.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 06:10 PM
3

Good call. Love Bruce.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 06:08 PM
3

Your right. I need too understand what I’m grieving. I thought I had turned a corner, but I haven’t let go. I’m so scared to and scared of the future.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 01:58 PM
1

Well, that may be true LOL. The saddest part is that this woman I was married too is gone when it comes to me. She turned a 180 on me and that was it. I miss interacting with that person and have been terrified by how much she changed. And I can’t help, but feel so guilty. No addiction or abuse on my end. She may have cheated. I’m not totally sure. I had mental health problems.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 01:55 PM
3

Thanks for the validation. I work in education and head back to work this week. And I just finished a mental health treatment program and my son is at camp this week. So I’m totally reeling from all of that. I just haven’t accepted she’s gone. It’s only been about 5 months for me and I just can’t believe it’s over. I keep thinking somehow we’ll work it out. I just can’t seem to accept it.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 01:39 PM
2

Thanks, yeah. I call it the guilt rabbit hole. I feel responsible for my kids having to adjust to this. That is the worst. They seem to be ok though. Recently it’s just been sadness at missing my family and just basic daily interactions with my wife. I just want things to calm down for a while. I’m hoping when school starts that we’ll all get into a routine and just live for a bit in this new reality without so much reaction. At least on my end. Peace brother. At least we’re not alone and I have…
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 02:40 AM
2

Like the years of good times and investment mean nothing. I tried so hard to invest. We agreed on all the big stuff. We were amazing parents together. I don’t think we knew what we had and may not have nurtured it enough. There were intimacy issues that were ignored and I had mental health issues. But they could have been worked out. I just hate being alone, struggle so much with guilt, but am scared of another relationship as it could end the same way.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 02:30 AM
1

I’ve looked into them. It really does seem like a form they fill out. No originality at all. Gym pics, dog pics, giant margaritas, dancing(!?), world travel, hiking, weekend adventures, conservative and Jesus. Just nothing original. Many don’t seem to want to move beyond the ‘chat’ stage anyway. If they even do respond.. Very generic. I just want to get some coffee, take a walk and converse. Hopefully like some of the same music, tv/movies and kids as well as value open communication. Guess that…
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 12:07 PM
4

It really is hard to move on. I hope I’m at least farther along in a year. It’s obviously ok to be sad, but to wallow in grief is not good. You can move on. Is there a small change you can make to begin the process? I’ve made some changes like exercising and holding nothing back with my therapist. Though I still feel so awful about the effect on my kids I try to just keep it it as normal as possible when they are around and check win with them if they are doing well. Engaging with them is key. J…
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 11:58 AM
2

That’s what’s scary abut marriage now. After a divorce how can we ever trust anyone. I wasn’t perfect and neither was she, but it could have been worked out. Outside of infidelity or addiction I just assumed we would would always work it out. Yet here I am.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 11:49 AM
2

I saw signs, but was so scared to confront her about it. At the same time I can see she tried a few times as did I. We both were desperately grasping and lost the rope. No one there to catch us.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 03:40 AM
2

I just have a hard time believing this. I will say that I am now getting a side of my ex’s personality that I saw glimpses of, but never thought I’d get the brunt of. There weee to issues and she just literally sat around waiting for me to fix them. Guess what happened to me? I got debilitatingly depressed and she then wanted a divorce. What could I have done? If she would have just been kind instead of literally hate me for being depressed.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 03:18 AM
3

I think both are disassociated from self or body or emotions and as a result literally cannot work it out. It’s so sad. Add in projective identification and it’s a wonder anyone stays together. I see some of this clearer now, but my ex does not. I so wish we could give it another try. I don’t think I will ever get over her enough to be with another person.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 03:10 AM
1

I guess I don’t wish I’ll will on her, but I don’t think I’ve hit the anger stage of grief. I just tend to move between sadness and bargaining. Tonight I’m just so sad. I just miss having a partner so much. How have you faired through your divorce?
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 02:41 AM
1

I’m not sure what I could do. Sue her for slander? The worst is that I don’t know what she is saying and I just fear the worst. I guess I will be the man if someone confronts me. Thanks I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m back in that depression stage missing her and our family. Grief is just all over!
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 08:26 PM
1

Good points. I do feel guilty about things and I’ve made huge changes in behavior. It is all my internal struggle. I need to like myself and have confidence in myself. Thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 12:45 AM
1

Oh this seems like the worse case scenario. I’m so sorry. Her family has not talked to me, but our ‘couple’ friends stay in touch. It’s just an awful situation when our dirty laundry is no one’s business, but because of divorce it can potentially get brought out. I think when people hear about a divorce it’s all about them and they freak out, so they cut us off. I shudder to think what my wife has said about me. But I can’t control her. I really have no evidence she is being disparaging. I’m jus…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 12:42 AM
1

I’m realizing that. Getting closer to that ‘I don’t give a shit’ attitude as days go by. I’m sure I’ll keep running into it. What has helped is journaling about responses I would give people if they actually confronted me about something. I’m learning how to be truthful to my self about my role and not try to see it through her eyes. She has a skewed vision. I’m choosing not to. There are things I did or didn’t do. I’m trying to be honest about that and give myself grace in that none of it was m…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 02:05 PM
1

Well said. Realizing wait we can control and what we can’t. And moving forward.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 11:32 AM
1

You think you pushed her to divorce? I played a role and my wife would say I pushed her, but that’s all not true. That’s where I get scared. The narrative she may be telling.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 04:16 AM
1

I think you’re right. People are seeing that I’m getting the shaft. She’s very controlling and at times a bully. I think our couple friends are sticking with her because of that. She scares people and manipulates them. I’m slowly getting her out of my life. We have a few things to take care of then it’s no contact unless an emergency about the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 04:14 AM
1

Gotcha. You are right. Hard to do, because I’m a people pleaser and want to explain to people, but I still am trying to figure out what happened.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 05:28 PM
1

Ok. Thanks for the info. I’ll keep it in mind!
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 04:17 PM
1

I agree. I have no reason to think she’s saying anything either. My mind just wanders and I get myself into a tailspin. I’ve thought about looking into stoicism. Will definitely do that. I get any peace I can find.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 04:16 PM
1

Yeah, I haven’t run into that yet. I had a weird experience with a woman that new of my ex-wife and she started acting weird. Started me thinking about rumors and such. I guess I’ll never know for sure. If I do run into that, I hope I have it together enough to ask about what she might be saying. I might even reach out to our couple friends and see. Probably not a good idea. Who knows. I wish I could just let it go. Good to know time heals and people come around. Luckily most people have been su…
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 04:11 PM
1

Good points to ponder. I guess I always thought we could have a discussion when the crisis kind of settled and we’d both try to take some accountability and make some ground rules for moving forward. Still hope that happens, but it likely won’t. I’m just desperate for something to assuage my guilt and the sadness I feel. I have good and bad days, but for some reason today I’m just feeling hopeless. I do walk and try to do some body weight exercises. I’m starting to believe all you guys are right…
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 04:06 PM
1

I have been jogging and doing push ups and sit ups. I know going to the gym is recommended. My hunch is my was missable for reasons that had nothing to do with me, yet I got the blame. I’m not sure if I believe the ‘all e were omen’ stuff. Many of our stories are familiar. Unfortunately, I don’t think there is one objective truth. But maybe there is.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 05:29 AM
1

Dude, same thing. She brought up a comment I made amends for over a decade ago and it wasn’t even a name call or comment on her character. When she told me she wanted a divorce she named like three random comments I had made completely out of context and could have been easily explained. It’s ridiculous. I wish she would have just said ‘I don’t want to be married anymore, I want to be with other men period.” Done. We move on.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 02:58 AM
1

I know. I would want to get back to someone who doesn’t want me. Not to mention, that list would just be so arbitrary. The narrative changes several times through the process leaving me even more confused. I just have to give up and hope she does not attempt to hurt my work reputation. I hadn’t thought of that. We work in the same industry and rumors could trickle down.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 02:53 AM
1

Really good point. She wouldn’t change then, why would she change or be available now. What’s the point. Thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 02:48 AM
2

Thanks. Luckily the only thing I fell into was asking to talk. Never stoked any flames or gave her fodder for her narrative. You make a good point about ‘giving her power’. I don’t want to do that. I can probably assume the worst and move on. I’m not really worried about my reputation, as another asked. Just my own self worth. It would be awful if it did somehow effect work. That would have to require a major coincidence.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 02:01 AM
1

Yeah, I guess we’ll see. I think she is going to regret the divorce when she realizes I was not the source of her issues, but actually trauma from her family of origin. I don’t en think she is happy now.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 01:54 AM
3

That’s what I assume. I just have to keep focusing on me and what I can control.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 01:52 AM
1

Thank you. I’m definitely getting better, but still have times of sadness and disbelief. I’ve luckily been able to start some new healthy habits and drop some old, unhealthy. Also doing a lot of soul searching.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 01:51 AM
1

Right. And maintaining this righteous anger. Must be exhausting.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 01:46 AM
1

Well, as I said, I have no evidence she is saying anything awful. She did throw the emotional abuse claim around at the end which is untrue. She was actually emotionally abusive toward me. I really haven’t had a chance to say anything about her. As I said earlier I just get caught up in what she may be telling her family and our couple friends who she somehow claimed and they just went along with it. If I had to defend myself I would.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 01:45 AM
1

I hear you. Really time time to let it go. It’s amazing how you think you know someone.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 10:49 PM
1

I hear you. I lost myself in my marriage and I don’t want to keep doing that as a single person. I’m still grieving though. Just a sad situation in ever thought I would be in. It really is time to really focus on moving forward, making plans.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 10:48 PM
1

Thank you for the recommendations. Still crying about her is the big issue for me and this ridiculous obsession with taking responsibility for my behavior. It’s like I want her input or a list so I can work in it. But everything she would say to me would be bull shit. She has no insight into her role and just projection. My truth is my truth.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 10:45 PM
1

The thing is most of what they are saying is about themselves that they have projected onto us.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 10:40 PM
2

Dude I love that. “You love being the villain in her story.”
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 10:38 PM
2

Thanks. When I Just assume the worst, it’s not that bad. Worrying what others think is definitely my growing edge. Thanks for your response.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 10:34 PM
1

Oh I like that. Thanks for posting.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 10:26 PM
2

Thanks. We do have kids, so we’ll have to communicate about them, but that’s it. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but our marriage is over. Worrying about anything pertaining to our relationship is literally stupid, as there is no more relationship. Thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 10:26 PM
1

I am an over thinker. You are exactly right. I have this idea that if I could talk to her I could somehow know or influence what she is saying to others. I do want to try and have closure or explain myself or something. But you are right. What ever I say will make no difference. Damn that’s a hard truth to swallow. Thanks for saying it gets easier. I just to be fucking relentless about focusing on myself and my kids.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 10:23 PM
1

So true. Damn. Well said. Thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 10:18 PM
2

You’re right. I recently read this saying about all of our thoughts and actions can be either steps towards personal wellness or a towards self sabotage. Time to move on.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 10:17 PM
1

Well said. I’m totally doing that.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 10:15 PM
2

Bro, thanks for the hardcore advice. We do have kids so I do have to communicate with her about that. I think I’m going to tell her I’m just doing email from now on. Her texts are always so damn condescending anyway. Incidentally, she told me before she said she wanted a divorce she threatened to get on Bumble. Thanks for saying the guilt and what happened is irrelevant now. I think you are exactly right. Very liberating to think about it that way. What’s done is done. I’m with you. Really need …
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 10:14 PM
4

Just a note of thanks to every who has responded to this thread. You have been so supportive and helpful. I appreciate it so much.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 09:16 PM
1

Ha, doesn’t have two sides. I like that. I figure if someone confronts me I’ll tell them to shut the fuck up. If they ask nicely, I’ll be more polite. The rewriting history that kills me. Bring big up shit from years ago that I tried to deal with. Also, it’s always so much more complicated than simple explanations given.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 09:13 PM
1

Thank you. I am going to switch to email and I am keeping contact low. Just stuff about the kids and that’s all. Not even a ‘Hi’ or anything. It’s really hard, because I would like to talk to her and somehow have some closure. But she probably will never be available for that. The person she is now, waiting to come out is a sobering thought. Makes me think twice about ever being in a relationship again!
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 09:06 PM
1

This is very wise. Thank you. I’m trying to do just that, learn from my faults and move on. Thing is, many of the reasons we divorced were not my fault. My depression was not my fault. Funny how I’m getting better since the marriage ended. And you are right. If someone takes them at her word then they are not worth my time.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 09:01 PM
1

I so glad to hear you are doing well. And I do have to give up her family and our friends pretty much I guess. I really have no evidence that she is lying about me, but I never ever really knew what she was thing our entire marriage. She was holding on to lots of resentments about things that could have easily been worked out. I knew it in my gut over the years. It’s ironic I wasn’t the one that asked for the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 08:58 PM
1

Thanks. I hear that. I am being very fragile. I do need to build up my confidence and come up with a good response. Building my confidence is the hard part. I feel so beat down.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 08:46 PM
1

That’s kind of what I’m trying to do. At the same time, our intimacy issues and pretty much all of it is nobody’s business. That’s pretty much how I want to respond. 😉
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 08:44 PM
1

I am a good man and, interestingly, I’ve had some people make it a point to tell me that since the separation/divorce. I am moving on, but it’s hard to actually know how to do that. It’s so easy to get lost in thought about the past or guilt etc. I know her family is a lost cause. I guess I’ll never know what she has told them. If/when I see any of them again and they confront me I will be ready to shut them down. Some of them I miss a lot and always respected. I hope they can have at least have…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 08:41 PM
3

I know it’s futile worrying about this shit. I’ve got to make a mantra out of ‘I can’t control her’
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 05:02 PM
1

This really is what I have to do. Why is it so hard!? This is a good opportunity to practice.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 04:35 PM
1

That’s all we can do. Good idea posting pics etc.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 04:32 PM
1

Very wise points! Thanks so much for your input. I’m glad you can relate. The 50% thing makes a lot of sense. I did mess up, but did the best I could and was never malicious. I guess my thing is that I have to live with myself, so I want to take responsibility for my role. The moving forward is the hardest. But our marriage is over. It is time to move into the life I deserve.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 04:23 PM
2

I agree. Actions I more powerful. Hopefully people see my actions. I’m working hard to better myself, quit bad habits etc. Thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 04:18 PM
3

You are right. I don’t know her. Did I ever? I have to quit caring. I can see it helping if I actually did speak this out loud. Good call.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 04:08 PM
1

Thank you. The not knowing is the worst part. I just assume the worst and it’s killing me. Of course we had issues, but absolutely no abuse, addiction or infidelity on my end or hers. If she is saying this to people, it’d be devastating. On the flip side, this is a good opportunity to really work on letting go and realizing I can’t control her or what happened in the past with us. If her family believes something awful about me, then I can’t control that, as hard as that is to accept. Fact is th…
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 02:17 AM
2

Ah, ok. Thanks for the clarification. I’m scared shitless about lies she might be telling. Especially to her family. But you make a good point, if they believe her then they weren’t friends in the first. It is interesting how some people have made it a point reach out to me. It’s such shitty situation. I’ve just made it a point to not disparage her at all.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 09:14 PM
1

Sarcasm? I’m not new here. Just haven’t posted in a while. I’m curious what you mean about finding out who my true friends are.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 02:41 AM
3

That’s the worst thing I’m dealing with lately. I just obsess sometimes about what she might be saying about me to others, especially her family. I know I can’t control any of that. Guess not knowing is the hard part and still being confused as to why she wanted the divorce. Or just being really dense about it and falling into denial sometimes. She filed in February and it was finalized in June. Pretty quick turn around. So I’m still grieving and at times I’m in disbelief. Probably won’t feel an…
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 11:13 AM
1

I hear you man. I was referring to her. So sorry this happened. I think it happened in my case too. It’s devastating.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/24 01:36 AM
1

I guess you do whatever you have to justify your behavior.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/24 04:29 AM
3

Dude! Me too. I never told her she was stonewalling, but she spent about 3 minutes telling me she wanted a divorce. I had no say. Of course when I would try and converse with her she stonewalled. It was infuriating and scary. She did end up responding to me one a few times and the narrative changed. I’d give anything for a conversation to clear the air and get some closure. I know I can’t count on that. I just hate being stonewalled. It’s one of the worst things you can do to another person. I d…
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 08:28 PM
1

One day, about 2 weeks after everything was finalized I was in a public bathroom washing my hands. It was just the right time. I hadn’t taken it off for years, so I needed lots of soap and it hurt coming off. This was about 3 weeks ago. I still have an indentation on my finger. I didn’t make a big deal out of it. It wasn’t the end of my sadness or irrational guilt, but it was a step forward. Felt good if not a little underwhelming. I put it in my sock drawer. Don’t think I’ll ever get rid of it.…
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 02:19 PM
2

Man, that just scares the shut out of me. Year I can’t control her behavior. Really sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 03:45 AM
2

Good point. Ironically, in my situation, my wife’s behavior totally meets the clinical definition of verbal abuse. I did do abusive things here and there in the way past, but promptly stopped when I realized it. It was not on going and were isolated incidents. One was name calling and was in the first few years of our marriage. I still feel awful about it. Ugh. At least it wasn’t the ‘B’ word. I’d say looking at pornography can be seen as abusive too. I did that more than few times over the year…
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 12:23 AM
9

There seems to be the ‘walk away wife’ phenom and then the opposite where she wasn’t considering divorce, but there were issues and even marital counseling and the wife meets someone and does a rapid 180. Or has some ‘realization’ that is validated and supported by friends and her therapist. That’s the part I find fascinating, the complete change in personality and quick descent into stonewalling the husband. It’s especially curious if the wife has been considering divorce for a few years. She a…
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 12:05 AM
3

It does hurt. I’m with you.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 09:37 PM
4

Mine travelled all the time. Had sky miles, but spent so much on hotels and food.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 09:36 PM
8

I would add that the claim of abuse is many times absolutely false.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 09:35 PM
1

I’m not sure mine cheated either, even though there is lots of evidence to the contrary. Nothing definitive. So why do you think you’re wife hates you? I’m not a man vs woman person and try not to get into ‘women so certain things’. However, I’ve read more than once here that women might be angry or full of hate and then decide we are at fault and stop there. No self awareness or thinking it through. I refuse to believe we couldn’t have worked things out. She just stonewalled me, which made that…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 09:06 PM
1

Thanks for explaining. That’s a hard truth if ‘true’. I definitely put her on a pedestal. Everyone does and is scared of her. Not really sure why. I was not surprised at her audacity and capacity to move on. Just never thought I’d be the one getting her aggressive side. She treats me like absolute shit now. It’s pretty amazing. She’s got me just where she wants me, even though the divorce is final. I’m still paranoid she has hacked my phone or monitors me in some way. I don’t know why people get…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 08:56 PM
1

Oh, she makes more money than me and I’m sure she knew I was committed and never considered ‘replacing her’. I’m a bit confused by your statement that I’m to blame because I was/am clueless. Are you saying she did it because she knew she could get away with it? The guilt from my end stems from me struggling with depression which had a major impact on our intimate life. My libido was shit. Not to mention the fact that I had major crying spells that she says were traumatizing to her. She even clai…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 04:54 PM
1

That’ll be good. You’ll get a feeling whether they are a good fit, even over the phone. Ask them how they work with clients or what their theoretical orientation is. That’ll give you a good idea whether it’s what you’re looking for. Hope it goes well.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 04:47 PM
3

You’re right. Time to really take an inventory and be honest about what happened. I can probably assume she cheated, which is just the ultimate betrayal in a love relationship. I was committed to her and she obviously wasn’t able to work on herself or deal with my mental health issues and stepped out. Ironically, I was really working to initiate in the last year and had recaptured that spark for myself despite being depressed and having libido (from depression/meds) and shame issues about intima…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 12:25 PM
2

Thanks for the support. Yes, it ultimately is a moot point. However, knowing for sure would definitely help me with the guilt I feel. Of course we both played a role and it’s complicated, just like every divorce. Luckily, in spite of feeling so depressed about all of this I have started exercising regularly which is great. I’ve also dropped some bad habits and picked up some new ones. Thanks for the book recommendation. Will check it out. Time to focus on me and, of course, being the best dad I …
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 12:17 PM
1

Yes. That’s the thing. Definitely smells fishy and I would be out of my mind if I just assumed she cheated. It’s hard for me to imagine her doing this to me. Just makes me so sad and angry. The saddest part is I blame myself and am forever questioning how I could have contributed to her actions. Pretty irrational.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 12:13 PM
1

Sliding scale is when you work out a fee based on your income and expenses. So it could end up being less whatever your situation is. Do you know what kind of therapist you are seeing? A psychologist or counselor? DM me with any questions. I’m a former therapist and have been in therapy for many years. I can answer any questions you might have. At the consultation you at least want this person to be quiet and listen to YOU, validate your feelings and attend to you. Or you might prefer a more cli…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 12:09 PM
3

Wow man. I’m with you. Especially the hate. It’s like WTF? I was depressed. I didn’t want to be. And she hates me for it rather than see that my being depressed indicates there was something really wrong in the relationship or with me. I’m thinking now that she cheated which explains the anger. She has to assuage her guilt. Not on her timeline is a great point. I was getting better and really making changes to work on the relationship, but it was too late for her I guess. I miss her, but do not …
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 08:10 PM
3

Good to hear!
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 08:03 PM
1

Sorry, but more like $100-$150. Some might have a sliding scale.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 08:02 PM
2

Yeah, that’s what I’m seeing. I think part of my problem is that if she did cheat it’s my fault because I drove her to it.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 08:01 PM
1

I’m not trolling man. I am that dense. I just don’t want to believe it. Too painful I guess. Do you think I should just outright ask her?
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 08:00 PM
1

The hard truth is that you may never figure her out. A therapist will help you learn out to sit with that and help you see where she is coming from a little bit. The focus will be on you learning how to take of yourself, gain some insight into your role, but also really get at what’s up with you. You deserve to get better and thrive. A good therapist will attend to you, listen, validate you, gently challenge you, help you gain some insight and support you in getting to a better place. I wouldn’t…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 12:01 PM
1

I live in Dekalb and could recommend a lawyer if you need one or need to switch. He was amazing and is located in Alpharetta. He represents people all over the metro area I think. DM me if you would like.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 11:56 AM
2

Christ, I used to lose my mind and basically have a crying fit and need to be talked down by Dad, god bless him. My heart still skips a bear when I get an email from my ex-wife.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 11:54 AM
2

I’ve actually wondered if my wife has hacked my phone to the point of taking it to a shop to have them check it. I think it’s really hard to do though and would require having the phone in hand. Maybe a private investigator?
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 11:52 AM
1

So sorry you’re going through this. I was lucky to find one through a friend at work and he was amazing. I think we probably could have fought harder for some things, but he was sensible and fair and really supported me. Therapists might be a good place for recommendations. Maybe contact some marriage and family therapists for referrals.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 11:50 AM
5

This has been a hard one for me. My ex-wife has gladly blamed me for everything, but in the same breath say I’m a good dad. No infidelity, addiction or abuse. I do struggle with depression. I think spousal mental health issues can leave the other traumatized or feeling abused. It does take two and I I know some of my behaviors played a role, but then, so did some of hers. We both did the best we could in the situation we were in. It’s too bad we couldn’t take a break, recommit and really work it…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 11:47 AM
3

Yeah, definitely man not going to ask my children. Would really put them in an unfair spot. The divorce is not their burden. Unfortunately they have to deal with the consequences. It just sucks!
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 05:22 AM
3

Thanks. I hold on to hope you all have given me here that things do get better. Glad you are doing better!
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 05:21 AM
2

Just devastating, I’m sure.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 05:20 AM
2

Shit that’s awful. I’m not even sure she had instagram. I’ll have to look. I don’t even have ir know much about what is.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 05:20 AM
3

Thanks. I appreciate that. Luckily I do have some very supportive family members as well as a good therapist. I do need to seriously start looking at her behavior clearly and take care of myself.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 05:18 AM
3

I know. I’m a fucking mess.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 09:42 PM
1

Christ this makes me sick to my stomach. So sorry this happened to you. How did you find out?
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 09:42 PM
2

Thanks. I really am unable to see it. I figured my sons would’ve discovered something. I don’t want to ask them though. I do appreciate everyone’s support. This is probably one of the worst things to happen to someone.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 09:41 PM
2

God I hate to hear this. I don’t get the monkey branching thing though.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 09:38 PM
3

Well, thanks have grey rocked. The divorce is finalized now. Luckily I had a great lawyer. All of this was before the divorce though and at leas a few weeks before she told me she wanted a divorce. It’s so funny how this woman has control over me. I’ve just sucked up all the blame. And of course I think if she was with someone else during the divorce proceedings, then that wasn’t really cheating. God! How do these women control us? What am I afraid of?
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 09:36 PM
2

No I’m seriously not kidding. I know I have her on a pedestal. I just wish I had some proof. If she did, I have an idea of who it might be. Curiously, near the end, but before she said she wanted to split, she said she was considering going on bumble. Man, if I had said that it would’ve been the the end of the world and seen as abusive, but since she said it, it was ‘poor me, I’m not getting my needs met’. Interesting to keep in mind that I was in the middle of a horrible depressive episode and …
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 09:30 PM
2

Would you put money on it? 😉 I still am not sure, but these stories here about things going well and then suddenly wife wanting to leave seem similar to my story. It’s like the opposite of the ‘walk away wife’ thing. The wife seems dedicated and willing to work on issues and talks with you etc. And then suddenly she’s angry as hell, the marriage has been awful for years and she starts stonewalling. Not to mention the story changes all the time. I never really got a straight answer from my wife w…
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 03:46 AM
3

I’m still in denial I think. I really don’t think she cheated. She did tell me she wanted to get a divorce after a trip out of town. She went to the same place the next weekend. And she has gone out of town almost every weekend through this entire process. My kids don’t seem to have noticed anything. It is kind of weird that things were getting better, I thought and then bam, she wanted to split. Seems that if she didn’t cheat she’d be a major outlier. Again, I really don’t think she did though.…
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 02:53 AM
5

Oh man. That seems like a long time, but I’m glad to hear you are doing well. I have this feeling I’m going to finally feel some deep healing and then die. Cynical, I know. But I’m in my late 40s and just feel like time is running out for certain things and there is only tragedy on the horizon. Luckily, most days I’m working on myself and that has helped. Other days it just hits me in the gut and I get sad or feel guilty or really scared I’m not gonna make it. One day at a time though…so true. O…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 03:10 AM
9

Thanks for these quotes friends. I’ve been doing ok, but don’t think I’ll ever get over this. My divorce is finalized, but there is still so much shit to wade through. A quote I like is “Follow Your Heart”.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 09:25 PM
1

Thanks. I’m glad to know there is more improvement ahead. I’m trying to keep at it, even on off days. Grief definitely takes one day at a time.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/24 07:48 PM
5

Good point. Purpose and agency are the key to well being. Your life was not wasted, you were raising your children. You’re purpose May now be outside the marriage, but will you have agency?
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/24 09:00 AM
5

I did not initiate my divorce, but now that it has been several months I’m starting to see areas where I was unhappy. My depression has lessened, I’ve somehow dropped some bad habits and gained some new healthy ones. My children are beginning to adjust, but it has been hard for them. Both older teenagers. I still have bad days and the divorce was devastating and I would still like to work things out. However, I’m beginning to understand how excruciating the decision to split is. I don’t envy any…
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/24 08:57 AM
1

It really is. So unpredictable.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/24 11:18 AM
2

Thanks for asking. I am luckily doing much better. Definitely moving along the grief process. I’m more settled in my apartment and the kids and I are kind of in a groove. The transition mixed with new routines and just missing my family and wife was devastating. I’ve actually been going to an intensive day treatment mental health program which has been so helpful. That and time. It just takes time. So I’m functioning and surviving. Have had some bad days, but overall I’m in a way better place. I…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/24 11:17 AM
4

If I ever get involved again with anyone but will have to be the easiest thing in the world. I will have to find them attractive and we will have to agree on music, politics and spirituality. We’d have to be authentic too. I’m not putting up with shit ever again. But of of course, ‘being in love does fuck our brains. 😍
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/24 03:03 AM
9

It’s very scary to see what our spouses are capable of. My wife, through her lawyer, said that I had been emotionally abusive for the last 10 years. I basically became suicidal upon reading that. That is absolutely not true, but she knew how to hurt me. That cut deep and terrified me. Ironically, she was the one exhibiting some classic emotionally abusive behaviors over the last year of our marriage and through the divorce Even now in our limited communication.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 03:40 PM
1

I feel that at sometimes. You’re not alone.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 03:35 AM
1

Good point. What would closure bring anyway. Just so much confusion yet I see my wife was just tired of the status quo basically. Maybe nothing inherently bad, just the end of a relationship, like you are saying.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 02:36 AM
1

Ha, right on. Good way to look at it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 02:33 AM
1

So sorry to hear this. I was depressed for years and I’m ironically feeling better now that my marriage is over. I’m still very sad and know my life will never be the same. Do you see a therapist or journal? These two things gave helped me get some perspective on the blame and guilt. Yet I just have this feeling I’m always going to be carrying it. Totally sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 02:32 AM
2

I like this. Luckily she never really said porn was a main reason. She just kind of threw it in there once. I, on the other hand, have just blown that up in my mind as the cause of betrayal etc. Again, I struggle with shame around intimacy and I think she did too. Essentially she couldn’t handle emotion. She was raised by cold parents and she was cold, yet she desperately wanted love. I was the emotional caretaker. She just could not handle my depression. It’s too bad, because I’m getting better…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 05:49 PM
2

More will be revealed? I guess we’ll see. My hunch is that at least she has had an emotional affair. Luckily I do have a good group of supportive friends. A couple of divorced men in there. They’ve been so helpful. It is good to have something to look forward to. I’ve not gotten into it with her and have no intention of telling her what she did wrong. If we had a civil, good faith discussion I might ask some questions. To me the hardest part of the blame and guilt I feel is that I still don’t re…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 05:40 PM
1

Well ok. You’ve got a good one too!
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 05:32 PM
2

That’s a tough situation. My wife’s attorney threw around the abuse word and my ex says she has been traumatized by living with me and my intense emotional breakdowns. Incidentally, I’m no longer having those. Makes me wonder. I’m in no way an emotional abuser. Ironically, she has treated me in that way through this process. The deed is done and she is still so condescending to me and demanding I do shit. I shutter at what she might be telling others. I can’t control that though. The past is ove…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 10:03 AM
2

Thanks. You are right. Both sides played a roller and one wasn’t worse than the other. It really sucks because I thought counseling was working for us. I was pushing past some huge barriers in attempts to give her what she needed. But you’re right, my depression was the biggest issue. Man, I just can’t help but thank that if we’d been able with through some things we would’ve had such a strong marriage. Yet she did kick me to the curb, blamed me and now harbors so much resentment. I’m trying to …
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 09:54 AM
1

I hear you. It just seems that the pornography use is this ultimately unforgivable act that I feel so damn guilty about. Lots of shame about sexuality I brought to the marriage. I wasn’t an addict and won’t look at it ever again for various reasons. I just blame myself for all of this chaos and it is unbearable at times. I have decided I have to stay alive and engaged in life for my kids. Even though I feel so responsible for them having to deal with this. The shadow of this divorce and my role …
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 09:49 AM
1

Good luck. It’s a hell of a process, but it seems like things are pretty bad for you.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 09:40 AM
2

I appreciate your honesty. I did not really struggle with porn, but used it at times. I stopped that completely a year or so ago and will never use it again. Yet I know my wife felt betrayed by it and that is what kills me. It didn’t happen in a vacuum though and my shame and intimacy issues were just as legitimate as hers. Hell, she threatened to go on bumble or whatever it’s called. Bigger issues were my mental health and all that entailed. I know she couldn’t handle it at all. Again, if I con…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 09:36 AM
3

Well, you’re probably not wrong. She’s been on tons of trips over the last 4 months while I wallow in guilt. Luckily the suicidal thoughts have gotten less, but that damn guilt. I didn’t cheat or abuse. More complicated than that. Pretty crazy to think this woman I love could change and just let me destroy myself. So sad. The fact that she might have been thinking this way for years just kills me. Thanks for your response.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 09:24 AM
3

I can relate to all of this. I’ve hit some pretty bad lows too. It does really come to a choice of not dwelling. Guilt definitely has been eating me alive. It is in the past and I’ve changed those behaviors significantly, so that’s good. Trying to focus on my kids and self care. Got to keep going for them. Thanks for the response.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 09:17 AM
3

I wonder about this. My wife and I were, I thought making head way in counseling and hard stuff was finally coming up. But then it seemed sudden that she wanted a divorce after saying she didn’t only a few weeks before. It happened after a trip. I’ve heard others say that she may have gotten bad advice or it was an affair. Not sure. I tend to blame my self, of course. But the ‘bad advice’ idea around the walk away wife phenomenon is intriguing.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/24 11:56 AM
4

For those in the first weeks, it does get better.y wife told me she wanted a divorce on Feb 8th and it was finalized June 10th. I just pushed through the first months crying and going to therapy. Finally felt some relief about 2 weeks ago after adjusting my meds and somehow started taking a morning walk. About 15 minutes. Things are not amazing, but I’m listening to music again for the first time in years. Haven’t cried in a few weeks. Today however, I’m having a really tough time feeling guilty…
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 12:01 PM
3

Thank you. I’ll checkout your post. I’m actually doing better on the whole, but today I’m struggling with guilt again. Not sure why. I have a feeling I’ll be dealing with this stuff for the rest of my life in one way or another.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 11:52 AM
1

Dude, it sucks. For me it seems like one area of my life will improve and then another one will fall apart. Just dumb stuff. Like tonight. So happy to have my son with me. I was starving so I ate, but son didn’t want to eat with me.Then we tried to watch a show on this shit ass TV I got. Just can’t win. And on top of all of this we are both reeling from the divorce and having to get used to new routines and shit. Im just so sad and angry. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over this.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/24 02:33 AM
2

You got us. We got you. DM if needed!
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/24 01:31 AM
4

No where to go but up. You will. Never thought I would, but I am building back up. Stone by stone. Some slips here and there, but I keep going. 4 months in for me an divorce just finalized. You are not alone.
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/24 01:30 AM
2

Thanks. I’m doing better than I was, but it’s still tough. Divorce was finalized last Thursday so letting that sink in has been hard. I may DM you. Thanks!
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/24 10:20 PM
5

God I’m with you. I’m in so much misery over this. The rest of my life is going to be one struggle after another.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/24 10:07 PM
7

If there is any way you can give up these thoughts, start over, remember being in love. Anything. I’m 50 too and divorce has absolutely ruined my life. Ruined. I would do anything to reconcile. I would suggest really looking into the effect it will have and converse about it with your wife. Get all the secrets out, drop the fantasies and adore her. The outcome and personal growth I believe that comes from staying together is totally worth it.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/24 10:06 PM
2

I see where you are coming from. Thanks for the info and support.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 07:20 PM
2

Ah, letting go. That is tough. Thanks for the comment. I’m not sure I’m on board with the women vs men thinking, but I do know that there is probably more to the story on her end and yes, I have become the focal point of her rage. No matter what the circumstances all of this transition and loss for me has been hell and I’m so worried about the kids. And I do care how my wife is. I still have fantasies of possible reconciliation or at least understanding between us. It sucks that probably won’t h…
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 04:03 PM
2

I wish we had talked about divorce before we got to this point. I think it would really help these couple that are in that gray are of reasoning (no addiction, affairs, abuse). Seeing what it really involves might change their minds.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 07:12 AM
4

I know I need to lean into some of this. I still just pine for my old life and struggle with guilt and shame. Also struggle with depression. I do have fleeting moments where I enjoy having my own place in a cool area of town etc. I tend to look to the negative or make shit up to worry about. I’m still going through the process. I think the toughest thing for me is still trying to understand how/why this happened. My wife has never given me a chance to clarify things or try to explain myself. The…
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 07:08 AM
3

It’s so stressful and add in the grief of losing the marriage and then concern for the kids and the complete change in life routine. It’s almost too much.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 06:21 AM
6

Right. The whole story of my marriage suddenly changed when she wanted a divorce. The things she said through her lawyer were so hurtful. I settled for a little less because I did not want to go to trial. I would not have survived that. We still haven’t had the judge sign off on our agreements so I’m scared something might come up.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 05:50 AM
1

I guess we’ll see. It is such a jarring reality. I’m doing my best. 😉
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 05:43 AM
1

Remembering to totally focus on my kids. Furious over the ruin my life is and what my kids are being forced to go through while my wife travels every weekend and will not communicate with me. Can hardly make it one minute at a time.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 02:14 AM
2

It is totally fucked. Totally. You’re not alone!
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/24 01:12 AM
2

I struggle with the same thing, but usually early in the morning. I feel like our minds are so lucid in the midst of sleep that feelings can just be amplified. I always try to get back to sleep, but that never works. Getting up and doing something is the only thing that kind of helps. So sorry you’re going through this. I somehow had a good morning today. Not expecting that tomorrow. We’ll see. Hope you feel better my friend.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/24 01:11 AM
3

It really is sociopathic if you don’t see it in context. I still with understanding how exactly this happened. We’d been through similar stuff in the past, but we worked through it and I always felt we were both committed. Very strange.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/24 08:28 PM
1

So true. I saw this side of my wife here and there over the years, not directed at me. Never thought I’d be the one. Yet I feel so guilty. How did she do that?
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/24 03:00 AM
4

It is part of the nightmare. I’m late 40s and feel like I’m starting over too. It’s just insane. My wife was the breadwinner. My career took a backseat for various reasons, one being to take care of the kids while she built he career. I luckily got a bit of money from the house equity. I have some options, but a a lot of things need to fall into place. It’s scary as shit. I’ve thought about van life or an RV too. At least I could travel. Churches have lots of programs to help as well as food pan…
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/24 02:39 AM
1

Thank you. I’m trying to walk most days. Need to add in some strength training. I usually can sleep at night. Not tonight. I’m alone and things just seem like they are getting worse. I cannot turn a corner. Four months in. No crying today because I have none left. I find that to be scary. I think I might be giving up. I can’t go on like this. I’ve lost everything. I have no money. My children are slipping away. I was kicked out of my home! How can this happen? I’ve been seeing a therapist for ye…
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/24 03:00 AM
2

I’m not on IG. Not sure how that works. Maybe I shouldn’t even look. Definitely had that whiplash. All of this is just a living hell. Waves of the most powerful fear, sadness and loneliness. I don’t know what to do. Add guilt in there too. I so wish we could just have a conversation. I cannot seem to let her go. Yet I I know I have to if I ever want to move on.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/24 12:52 AM
3

How did you get proof. Searching online seems fruitless. I’m still not sure at all. Thinking of my marriage as dead is just almost ‘unthinkable’. You say cheating is the norm. Like when wife’s personality just changes?
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 06:51 PM
2

I’m in therapy and I really have no proof she is cheating. Just out of town a lot.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 06:49 PM
5

Dude, you are very astute and damn do I appreciate your feedback. You are right, everyone says she probably is. I have one small inkling of who it could be. Trips have already been to Texas or NY. Do you think I should just ask her? I do want to start healing, but I feel like I need proof or something. I wouldn’t even know how to begin looking into it. It’s like I want to know and I don’t want to know. I’m feeling so sick about this today. Divorce. It’s a nightmare. I keep having hope that we ca…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 05:26 PM
3

How did you find out? I know I need to just focus on myself too. Eat better, get my new place in order, new job possibly and definitely focus on my son.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 02:04 PM
1

I don’t know. She likes to travel and it seems like she is going with friends each time. My kids haven’t mentioned anything weird. I just don’t think she would cheat, at least until the divorce was final. Near the end she said she had considered getting on Tinder. So who knows.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 12:32 PM
1

I would love to try and work things out. I don’t think my wife is cheating, but I’m not sure. She has gone out of town almost every weekend since telling me 4 months ago. I guess that’s a red flag. She also does not not want to communicate with me unless it’s about the children. For her, she says, she needs to split because she has been traumatized by my mental health issues, feeling rejected etc. I feel so much guilt and blame. However, I miss her so much and still think we could work things ou…
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 12:06 PM
1

Just a matter of finding that other person/ 😉
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 10:06 AM
2

Thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 10:05 AM
1

This seems to be the he biggest hurdle, getting over the hope that they might reconcile. I’ve been trying. If/when I do I’m scared I’ll be catatonic. Damn I miss my family.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 12:48 AM
1

I just constantly blame myself. I’ll do anything to get back together. I’m constantly trying to figure out what to do as tho all just slips away.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 12:42 AM
1

Right. I feel good while I’m there and then I’m a complete mess the rest of the time. Any good therapist allows you to just ‘be’ while the rest of the world may be supportive, but usually can’t handle the emotion.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 11:26 PM
1

I think I’m beginning to understand why things fell apart. But I’m also scared to really look at her role and see that maybe this is for the best. I know it seems crazy to her to want to talk about the marriage, but I desperately want to not make the same mistakes again and be a better person, dad and maybe partner after all of this. Today has been a rough day. Lots of crying. I miss her so much!
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 11:15 PM
1

I’m sorry. Not sure what’s worse. Not having love and children or doing it and it all falling apart.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 06:39 PM
1

I’m kind of the the opposite. I desperately want to talk to my wife, but she won’t communicate with me. You could try email with just bullet points and maybe say you’ll only respond to one email a week.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 06:38 PM
2

I just wake up every morning shaking with anxiety and disbelief about what is happening to me. I am just so devastated and scared and alone. I’m so scared of what she might me telling others, especially her family. I miss her so much and just obsess how I can at least talk with her and work through some things. I’m freaked out about finances and what’s going to happen to me. I worried sick about my children. I don’t know how I’m going to make it. It doesn’t seem to be getting better. I’m 4 month…
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 11:45 AM
1

We’ll see. I can see my younger son coming with me permanently in the near future. We’ll see.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 03:36 AM
5

Thanks for the honesty. I don’t see it getting much better either. They say it does though. I’m exhausted of being sad and hopeless. I too am so scared and alone. Nothing soothes me until I’m tired enough to sleep at night. Waking up is a nightmare. Just automatic sickness. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I know I’ve got to ‘keep it together’ for my kids, but this is becoming more and more difficult. I love them so much, so to have this misery be stronger than that is a testament to …
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 03:32 AM
2

I know. Luckily I’m not a social media person.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 03:24 AM
2

I know. I was walking regularly, then hit a wall and need to get back to it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 03:23 AM
1

I definitely have been emotionally abused in this process. Letting go of hope for reconciliation just seems impossible.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 03:22 AM
2

Thank you friend. It is minute by minute sometimes.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 03:16 AM
1

Thank you. Sometimes this sub is all I have.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 03:15 AM
2

Thank you. So poetic. Yes, we do have to cry hard, at least I do. It’s scary and hopeless. I’d love to see those diamonds soon.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 03:14 AM
1

Many say it might have been my marriage that caused my depression. Time will tell I guess.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 03:12 AM
2

I actually did get in my car and wail. It helped a bit.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 03:11 AM
1

Yeah. I was/am changing and working hard at it. I’m still not sure infidelity is involved. I would never break my vows. Ever! Did I duck up, yes, but I was committed.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 03:10 AM
1

This is true. Do everything you can before divorce. Life is not worth the utter suffering it brings. Suicide suddenly becomes a real option.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 03:07 AM
1

I have literally lost everything in my life. You name it. Pure hell. I don’t need to explain. Think about the routines you take for granted in you life like taking a shower to what you do on Friday night. Gone!
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 03:05 AM
1

My kids and I don’t deserve this either. I just keep thinking if I could just talk to my wife we can work this out! She won’t have it. The crying spells of desperation are the worst. Then I just have this constant labored breathing trying to deal with the transition and helplessness. Radical is acceptance is hard. This side of my wife I’ve seen, but never thought I’d be the receiver. It’s just been absolutely devastating. Yet she’s in Florida this weekend partying. Thank goodness I stepped up to…
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 03:01 AM
1

Thank you. I’ve been praying too. Lost touch with all that, but now sometimes it’s all I have.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 02:53 AM
3

That’s pretty much where I’m at. What an awful fate. I’m hoping time helps. If not I’m not sure how to move one. No one can really help or take the pain away. It’s a dire situation. If I could muster just a bit of motivation for self care I’d feel so much better. I had a few good days, then reality kicks in. The living nightmare.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 02:39 AM
5

It’s just absolutely amazing how you can have that long of a relationship and then it’s over. It really is like a death
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/24 02:32 AM
2

I know. I just can’t seem to think of her as not my wife. The advice on here has been great. It’s just a matter of doing it! I think I’m getting there. I don’t know.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 09:18 PM
3

I’m 49 and I was married 25 years. None of them wasted, as far as I’m concerned.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 09:16 PM
2

Thank you. Starting all new routines in a new living space has been very hard, but I see what you are saying. I hope to find some joy soon in being able to do my own thing when I want.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 08:52 PM
1

I hear you. But damn is that just so awful that my wife no longer wants me in her life. I’m still in denial. I know I need to keep communication to only about the kids. I miss her so much.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 08:48 PM
1

Yeah, getting used to being alone is so hard. Definitely have to shift my perspective on what it looks like being a dad now in this situation. Thanks for the support!
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 01:31 PM
1

It’s the hardest thing in the world. I can get out of bed, but then just doing what I need to care for myself is like climbing a mountain. It is so counter logic and probably the hardest work any of us will do.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 01:27 PM
1

You are right. I’m not sure about her seeing someone else. There’s a good chance. I am starting to see more clearly what her problems are with me. The biggest hurdle it seems these days is getting out of the self pity, stop lamenting things I can’t change, doing things to take care of myself.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 01:24 PM
3

Yea. We have to cry it out. Sounds like your story has been going on for a while. It is like a death and somehow we’re supposed to hold it together for our children. That’s what scares me the most. I miss having my parental partner. I miss my family and all of our friends. It’s so hard. Sometimes it feels a little better. I seem to be functioning today, but I’m barely making it. I hope you are hanging in there.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 11:46 AM
1

So true and sad. These people we took vows with change. I hope that someday I can remember the good memories with joy and not despair.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 03:14 AM
2

Thank you. Also good to remember it takes a long time.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 03:09 AM
1

I hear you. That seems to be the ultimate key to wellness, that mind shift.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 03:04 AM
1

Thanks. I know this. Doing it is another thing.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 02:39 AM
2

I can relate. I miss my family too. I so much wish my wife would give me a chance.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 02:33 AM
3

It’s been over 12 hours since I made this post and I have been crying hard off and on all day. Once in front of my older son who is slowly losing patience with me. I’ve been crying now for 4 hours. I have no one with me. I’m still alone and scared. There seems no way out of this. I struggle with so much guilt in my divorce. She is gone. So much regret and ruin. She is gone. God I loved who she was. So fun, smart and sarcastic. And of course beautiful. The guilt is paralyzing. I see no road ahead…
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/24 06:28 AM
2

Thank you for responding. I am so thankful for my kids too. Custody is all fucked up now and my place is a shithole that I know they are not comfortable in. Just getting into a routine with that has been exhausting. When they’re not here I feel so alone.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/24 06:20 AM
5

Yeah. Going on social media was not a good idea. Did that today and saw that she has changed her name. So sad. This woman who was adamant and excited to take my name when we married. God it makes me so sad.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/24 04:52 AM
1

I do. We have 50/50, bit that has yet to really play out. Full custody is an idea though. My wife seems to hardly interact with them. My son in college is the one I’m scared of losing.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/24 04:50 AM
1

Thank you. There is some good stuff there.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/24 04:47 AM
1

What happened with your son? I’m so scared of that.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/24 04:06 AM
2

I know. I guess it is getting better by millimeters.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/24 03:27 AM
2

Hard to remember sometimes. God I do hope it gets better soon. I’m not sure I can survive much more.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/24 03:26 AM
1

You nailed it…the death of comfort and the familiar. I so miss having a companion. Thank you for your words of wisdom and support. I will try you loss vs gain technique and I do hope that I feel that weight lift soon. The weight of this grief and the weight of what was not good in the relationship. 🙏
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/24 03:20 AM
2

That’s a good idea. I will look into the online groups. Thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 08:41 PM
6

Thank you so much for that validating comment. The shame and guilt are unbearable. Glad to hear things lighten up at least a bit. I’m so sad.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 08:03 PM
1

I do have two kids. That’s the hardest part, being forced into this situation of being a single parent and trying to get them settled and, of course, worrying about their mental health. I’ve got 50/50, so I’m thankful. Still trying to get that all ironed out.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 07:59 PM
6

Well, this is what’s happening. Ironically, she says I was gaslighting. What? Fuck, I hope my sons never get married. Vows don’t mean shit so why do it? Just live together then be done when you’re done.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 07:55 PM
1

I wish I could just steel myself to cut it off. Yet I desperately want to talk with her. Ugh.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 07:53 PM
1

I know. I literally have to put her out of my mind. Yet this entire nightmare I’m living through minute by minute is on her! Denial then anger, right? So sad, yet so pissed off. I don’t think she even knows what she is doing and I don’t think her family supports her unless she is falsely disparaging me.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 07:51 PM
1

I’m looking for one. Can’t seem to find anything. One starts up in August that I think I will try. I do need a support group.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 07:47 PM
1

Shit, that’s a scary yet kind of liberating thought. and very perceptive. It supposedly was my depression and strong emotions that drove her away.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 07:39 PM
1

I hope it’s only temporary. I keep hoping the next day it will get easier, but it doesn’t. There’s always something that just kicks me in the gut. Like today I see she changed her name on her Facebook account. Just a fucking pinch to the gut.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 07:36 PM
1

I hear you. Luckily I have a good therapist and know that I have to move forward. I actually had a good couple of days, then today it just nailed me again.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 07:33 PM
3

Never getting an answer is the ha dear part. This person I talked to about everything….our children…suddenly hates me. It’s just awful.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 07:31 PM
2

Really take an honest look at what divorce will do and what it involves. It might seem like a way ‘out’ but it might not be. It is a real nightmare. You can literally decide to give up you’re what ifs and live in to what you have. God I wish I had. Divorce has been absolute hell.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 12:01 PM
5

Right now my biggest fear is being alone and just getting my shit together to stand like a man. I was never much into that kind of thing, but I do think I lost some of my manliness in my marriage. That was probably part of the problem. There might be something to this notion of women wanting men to be leaders. I don’t know. Society’s roles for everyone are so confusing these days.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 11:39 AM
1

Thanks. Glad we can all support each other here.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/24 09:45 AM
2

Just the unknowns of the future can be so scary. I’m with you. Hopefully it works out for us.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/24 09:22 AM
1

Right. I can’t look. It kills me.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/24 03:58 AM
1

Dude, I say that all the time. This is all absolutely surreal.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/24 03:52 AM
3

Do you think she is cheating? Ironically, her treatment of me has been emotionally abusive through this process. She was never like that before.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/24 03:29 AM
1

Well, this sucks. I do want to have some hope that we can work it out. I will do whatever it takes. I just can’t believe she is cheating, but she has gone away pretty much every weekend since coming home from a trip last Feb and telling me. And her treatment of me has just gotten worse. She says she can’t even text me without shaking. I’m trying to understand as I am not a loud, mean or abusive person in anyway. I have her on a pedestal. I just feel like I somehow deserve this. The guilt and try…
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/24 03:15 AM
2

Are you saying that you usually find out the wife was cheating and/or allegations about the husband are not true? My wife claimed in a communication between our lawyers that I was emotionally abusive. This absolutely slayed me. I absolutely was not abusive in any way. I struggle with so much guilt. I would like to reconcile. Does family law give us any clues on how to do that? I know it hardly ever happens.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/24 02:03 AM
2

Yea, seeing or hearing things that remind me of her is so hard. Remembering good times.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/24 01:27 AM
2

I feel you. I have a job, but have been under employed for years in order to have flexibility to care for the kids. I’m trying to figure out if I should try and get a little better paying job or get a certification in the area I’m in now that would double my salary. Not sure. It’s a gamble. But everything is so jacked up in my life now I think I might just go for it.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/24 01:25 AM
2

I’m feeling better, but still in disbelief. It will just hit me in the gut and I realize all that’s happened to me in the last 4 months. Today I cried just missing my wife and our family and all this stuff we used to do. I’m still trying to wrap my head around what happened. Luckily I’ve finally started doing some things to take care of myself. I’m late 40s too and mortality is also a scary realization. Just fear of being alone, becoming destitute, losing contact with my kids as they grow older.…
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/24 01:20 AM
3

I think I need to bring my dog over with me. My kids are older. I know it hurts like hell, but they say you’ll have a new normal with kids at your place and you actually get to place where you enjoy the time ‘off’. So sorry this is happening to you. Moving out and all that just sucks. I hope you have other support. Reach out here whenever you need to. You’re not alone.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/24 01:35 PM
1

Thanks. I’m starting to see some of this. OP-I don’t recognize my wife either. It’s so sad. I do still struggle with guilt that I caused a lot of this. I can’t keep dwelling in that though. Just trying to focus on what I can control and enjoying that and my boys.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/24 11:53 AM
15

Friend, you’re in shock. Hopefully you’re having a few bouts of normalcy here and there and able to sleep. Crying is ok. Also, tell people, they will be supportive. And come on here to read and write. It has really helped me. I’m almost 4 months in. There will be moments you feel like you are going to make. You will. I can’t believe that I am actually feeling a bit better today. Please DM if you want to talk more. I’d say this forum has saved my life. Seeing a good therapist will help so much as…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/24 11:34 AM
1

Early 30s.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/24 12:31 AM
4

I’ve had some fleeting feelings of being lighter, but it’s like I won’t let myself. I’m scared shitless and lonely so I can’t seem to relax in my own space. Ironically, I don’t have much to worry about unless I just start obsessing. I came out of a major depressive episode to a wife who wants a divorce. I just don’t want to get depressed again.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/24 07:05 PM
1

No. My brother’s wife married early. Didn’t work out. Now she’s happily married to my brother with two kids. With divorce it seems the earlier the better.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/24 04:11 PM
1

I hear you in reframing it. I have to keep remembering that I didn’t cause all this in a vacuum. However, yes, the guilt comes from inside about things I did or didn’t do that caused all of this ruin.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/24 11:52 AM
1

Glad to hear it gets better. I’m just about to hit four months. I’ve got to get past the guilt.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/24 02:14 AM
1

I hope to turn the corner at some point. I need some relief. If I could get some other areas of my life pulled together I might be in better shape.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 11:30 PM
1

I never wanted to quit, yet I’m being forced to accept it’s over. I have this deep belief that my marriage cannot end. Deeeeep belief. Yet here it is. Over. I can’t accept it yet. I hope I will soon, because I won’t ‘get better’ till I do.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 11:26 PM
1

Me too. I’ve moved out and agreements have been signed. I’m still so much in denial. I thought would feel so me liberating feelings, but it has all been misery.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 10:45 PM
2

I could have written this exact post today. Ironically, I believe it was my depression that drove her away. I sometime don’t want to go on either. I do for my kids and shear hope that I will someday feel better.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 10:32 PM
3

I’m trying. God I’m trying. I need some relief soon.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 08:16 PM
2

Trying to see it that way.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 08:15 PM
1

I guess I just feel so guilty about things. She blames me for everything, tells me I traumatized her, etc. I did not. She’s stonewalling me. I think she is having a midlife crisis and dealing with my mental health stuff became too much for her. Yet I just wish she was a little amenable to discussion. I’ve no say in any of this and she has treated me increasingly like an ass. Yet I desperately want her back. I want who she was back, I wish I hadn’t done/said certain things. It’s just unbearable a…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 08:13 PM
1

I feel like I failed my family, but my wife did seem to blow it up without any conversations with me.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 08:05 PM
1

This makes a lot of sense. Not the same, but different. Same or better quality.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 08:01 PM
1

I miss my son so much right now. How can I talk to my wife to reconsider and start over and think about the kids? God I wish we could work it out. I thought I was going to do in this evening. Ugh.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 07:56 PM
1

I know it sucks. My 16 year old headed back this morning. I’m pretty sad and lonely today because we’d all usually be at the pool. For the Memorial Day dinner. My oldest is home for the summer from college. He’s not ‘forced’ to follow any court stuff, so it’s been interesting figuring out when he can get over here. I so want it to feel like home for him.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 06:33 PM
2

Trying to believe this. Thanks for posting. I’m in the midst of really wanting to still work it out.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 06:22 PM
4

I think I’m getting close to being more regular about taking care of myself. The grief has been debilitating. If I ever did meat another woman it would have to be the easiest relationship in the world.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/24 09:58 PM
3

I’m so lonely I want to go back. Even if I could though, I probably shouldn’t. This transition is hell though!
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/24 08:40 PM
1

Good luck. I’m mentally drained too. I hope it all works out! It feels good to have a purpose. That’s what gives us contentment and a reason to live.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/24 09:37 PM
1

This is all pretty good advice. I am so caught up in wanting to talk to my wife and feeling so guilty that it’s hard to move forward.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/24 03:28 PM
1

My went on a trip and came back and told me. Since she has been on a dozen trips. They all seem legitimate. I guess she could be seeing someone. I don’t know how to tell.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/24 03:26 PM
10

Didn’t ask me one question on our first date. WTF? Didn’t like most of the music I just loved and brought meaning to my life. I’ve lost that completely and now I’m so depressed I don’t enjoy music anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/24 12:24 AM
2

Yes. My mom is a narcissist though. Not sure who to believe these days. I’m realizing my wife had narcissistic tendencies as well.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/24 06:47 PM
1

I guess it could be happening. I don’t know. I don’t really care. I wish she would just talk to me. How does that suddenly stop? You live and talk with someone for years and then they suddenly don’t want to talk to you.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/24 06:36 PM
6

I hate to say this, but it can amazingly get unfriendly very fast. Unfortunately, both parties need a lawyer, but it doesn’t have to be messy or go to trial.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/24 11:02 AM
1

Say more? I blame myself for this whole thing, yet my wife played a role. I have to remember that. Somehow I lost myself in my marriage. I over identified with it and it scared me. It might’ve seemed I was not engaged, but I actually don’t think she engaged me at all. Ever. Fuck! Always at work or in her computer. I was so depressed. Maybe that’ll lift the farther away I get from the marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/24 02:57 AM
2

That’s some of the shit I’ve gotten. She’s a very in charge type. It’s been revealed to me that I might be just so beat down from this relationship that despite my wanting to go back, it would ultimately be unhealthy.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/24 08:50 PM
1

We’re already in the midst of it. I guess I just want to talk to her about it and gain some more perspective on how this happened.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/24 06:10 PM
1

Petty much I’m going to try and talk to her again.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/24 04:48 PM
3

Why do they do the no contact thing? It’s killing me. I just want to talk to her. Find out how I messed up.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/24 11:07 AM
1

I’m 3 months in, so I’m glad to hear from someone who is doing ok. Next steps are hard, but it seems like you have a good foundation.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/24 12:22 PM
1

OP-I could have written this same post. I also feel like I simply exist…with healthy doses of hopelessness and despair. I am suicidal, but will not do anything because of my children. All I have is this very small notion that maybe one day I will feel better. I’m with you man. I cannot give up on possible reconciliation, but my wife wants no communication except texts about kid stuff. She has treated me like shut through this whole process, yet I still want to be with her. Your last point really…
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/24 09:34 PM
1

I too have to look forward to who I want to be, even though I wish to be back with my wife still.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/24 04:40 AM
2

This is good to hear. I’m finally coming up for air a bit after the shock of all of this. I to have felt completely powerless over the years. My wife is not full blown narc, but she ran the show. She’s say she didn’t, but she did a she is for sure running it now. Totally ruined my life and now, after years of not being in control, here we are just trying to make it through the day. Can’t imagine a worse thing than maybe losing a child.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/24 04:34 AM
1

Thanks. That’s good to hear. I have some good moments, but mornings are awful. I’m just hoping for a little relief.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/24 10:19 AM
1

This sounds like a plan. I’ve got to get my shit together and do this.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/24 12:56 AM
3

Man, I’m 3 months in and I feel like the despair will never end. I’m glad to hear it does. I though I’d at least feel a bit of liberation, but it’s all been hopeless misery.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/24 12:32 AM
5

Mine seems sad too. She doesn’t talk to me anymore. When she does she’s terse or condescending. So she has to be miserable. Of course, it’s the interactions with me that make her miserable. God she’s so self-centered.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/24 08:28 PM
4

Oh man, seeing other families just kills me. Not just because I miss my family now, but I miss the days when they were smaller and everyday was basically a party. 🥹 I have to think something good is in store for me. I have job interview making more money this Wednesday. I hope it goes well. Thanks need a break!
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/24 09:59 PM
3

I can relate. As an easy going, feeling guy I find it very hard to believe that someone can hold on to anger for so long. My wife will probably do it her entire life, like her mother. She has to stay in that mind set to get through the divorce. Project everything in to me.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/24 09:56 PM
5

I think my wife can feel, she just totally shut down and now only seems to feel resentment and anger. I still find it amazing to me that less than 3 months ago we were living out lives working on us and then ‘bam’ she wants a divorce. Devastating nightmare. I don’t know how I’m making it through the days to tell you the truth.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/24 08:56 PM
10

I’ve been told the denial stage of grief is the longest. It’s brutal. I miss my wife to….so much. Not just her, but our life together, her family our friends. We need to support each other here make it one day at a time.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/24 06:01 AM
6

I had this idea of leaving a note for her at the house after I moved out. I didn’t do it. As much as I want some closure, I know it probably won’t happen. I’m so sad it’s over. I thought I’d feel some relief, but not yet. Nothing I thought would be good About splitting up has happened. I’m an absolute mess. I’m amazed I’m getting to work everyday. I’m in my late 40s and I feel like my life is over. I just forfeited the last part of my life. Suddenly here I am. Was our time wasted? I just can’t g…
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/24 02:33 AM
5

My god man. This is awful. Sending you positive vibes and support. Wish I could do more. This is a nightmare.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 12:46 AM
6

The financial loss is devastating. I’m surviving, but have to really make plans for the future which will require some luck. My apartment is not ideal either. I’m still getting settled in. My so hasn’t stayed with me yet. My older son is in college too. I really hope he decides ti stay with me regularly. I’d not, that would just be another loss. Can’t seem to handle much more these days.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 10:58 AM
2

Dude I make a third of what you make. Same situation. I got money from the house and that is it. Almost same amount of time married. I just moved out and am pinching every penny. I hope something comes up or I’m going to go back to school to make more money. I’ve never been alone either. And being older just adds a whole new level of fun to this. I’ve been in this for about 3 months. Today was the first day I kind of felt ok. It’s night now and I’ve been having a hard time getting to sleep. I ju…
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 01:29 AM
2

Yeah. I’m definitely going to make sure if anyone comes along. If it’s going to happen, the. I’m sure it will be when I don’t expect it. It’ll have to be easy and not cost a lot of money either. 😉
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/24 07:42 PM
2

I guess I’ll check out the apps in about a year. Other than that I’m just not a bar person. So who knows.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/24 06:48 PM
3

Where do we meet these women?
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 11:29 PM
4

I know that I neglected my marriage to some extent in order to be a very focused good dad. Man if I could go back in time.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 11:27 PM
2

I hear you. It’s hard to get out of that mindset of blaming myself for everything.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 10:46 AM
1

I guess I don’t have all the info. I definitely put her on a pedestal. Still do.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 05:06 AM
1

I’d it wasn’t me, then why did she just suddenly shut down? I think it might be midlife crisis riven how she is ignoring the kids when she goes on her trips.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 01:34 AM
2

3 months in. My wife won’t say a word to me. I desperately want to talk to her. I can’t help but think this is all my fault. How else could someone change so drastically?
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 01:12 AM
3

Christ I’m so worried about finances. I’m just beside myself. Thanks too don’t want to be lonely. All of unknowns are brutal. I’m looking for better paying work, but I have to give up a job I really like. I’m so scared none of this is going to work out. I’m just just scared.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/24 10:44 PM
2

Thanks. Sometimes I’m ok with it and other times I’m just a crying mess because I have good memory about us and the kids or something. I hope to get to a place where I realize I can be grateful for those times, I can accept that things change and focus on making new memories.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 09:56 PM
1

God to know man. Thanks so much for the advice and the info. I’m definitely going to start slow, but look forward to that sense of accomplishment. Didn’t know planet fitness was basically affordable.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 09:54 PM
3

Oh man, those words hurt. I too think I’ve been traumatized by awful stuff my wife has said to me. She doesn’t give a shit at all anymore. Anytime she can reprimand me or be condescending, she is. It’s awful.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 01:29 AM
2

I need to be more like you!
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 01:18 AM
1

Yes. Listen and make the changes she is asking for if you can. Once she wants divorce there is no turning back. Maybe you could even talk about what divorce would look like. It might scare you both. Do everything you can for the marriage. It will be worth it in 6 months rather than mired in devastation.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 01:15 AM
1

Yeah, they all say hit the gym. Wish I had the money to do it now. If I could just get in the habit of doing some daily push ups I think I’d be on my way.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 01:10 AM
2

It’s caused me me to rethink it all to. The fact that it can be blown to vita in seconds is insane.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 11:13 PM
2

I’m so sorry this is happening. I know kids can usually figure out the truth, but sometimes it takes a while. I am so scared I’m going to lose touch with my kids over this as they grow older. That would be the end I think. Don’t think I could move beyond that.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 11:10 PM
3

I’d love to be in Vegas this weekend to see Phish at the Sphere! That would be healing during this awful time.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 07:58 PM
1

Good comment. It really does feel like I’m losing part of myself in divorce. Incidentally, I always felt like I lost part of myself when I got married. So developing myself again sounds good. I hope I can get my shit together and not become a poor, depressed soul.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 07:43 PM
1

She asked because she cares. Give her your blessing and enjoy being a good partner.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 01:18 AM
2

You too!
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 01:15 AM
2

Yes, nice to meet you. 🤪 The next stage after denial is anger. I could probably use a little anger to pull myself out the hopeless funks. The denial phase is like addiction. This woman doesn’t want to be with me? I just can’t see myself accepting that soon.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 12:49 AM
4

Are you me? My wife’s treatment of me has just completely deteriorated. I blame myself for everything, and, like you, still want to work it out. It’s insane. I think I am gaining some insight about her though. I have to move past denial though or I’m not going to survive.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 12:00 AM
1

Thanks for the response. Good to know. It seems like just getting into the field somehow is key. Do you have any sense what the data analytics job market is like these days? Seems like it might be shrinking.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 06:41 PM
1

Thank you. I will definitely be doing that. Seems like a long road ahead, but I think I’m going to make it a little farther.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 10:42 AM
1

Thanks. I am trying to take it one day at a time. All the unknowns and details and fears. It’s just so stressful at times.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 10:41 AM
4

I liked the book too. I need to read it again. Glad you are doing well. I’m barely holding on. Hopefully I’ll be writing one of these posts at some point.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 10:46 PM
3

So worried about my kids too.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 09:06 PM
2

I think my wife and I totally could have worked it out. I don’t think I will ever get over her and I will just have to accept that. God I wish I could I go back and show her how much I adored her and much I loved our life. She can’t hear that anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 09:04 PM
3

There is nothing worse than that post-dream malaise.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 09:02 PM
2

Money problems are utterly terrifying!
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 07:26 PM
1

Did your wife ever act like this before? The 180 changes I’ve seen and hear about are just insane.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 07:15 PM
2

Me too. I look back, though, and I see some glimpses of this behavior. At the same time I’m not blameless, but totally committed. We had a couple of huge issues that we really could’ve worked out to have a great marriage. Alas, it’s not to be. Maybe in the future?
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 04:16 PM
5

It’s not too late! You are young! Just start taking classes. Maybe write out a plan and do one small step a day? I know in the midst of all of this I couldn’t ‘rush’ anything. I had to get things done in my own time, but on time. I find that trying to get stuff done in a rush or when I’m so anxious is impossible. I too am freaking out about money. Not sure how I’m going to make this year. I do need a higher paying job, but I don’t want to go back to work that burned me out.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 10:40 AM
1

Thank you. We’ll see how it goes.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 03:44 AM
1

I’m moving Friday and scared shitless. I have to say I am looking forward to some alone time.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 03:33 AM
2

I feel the same way. I’m flawed. I just want my family back. 🥹
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/24 01:41 AM
2

Glad you have a good job. Sorry about the support aspect. Some of these arrangements just seem untenable. I think I’m going to look for accounting jobs pretty aggressively at this point. Data analysis maybe down the line. I do find it fascinating.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 11:09 PM
2

This is awesome! Thanks for the recommendation. Busting into a new field seems ominous, but if there are jobs available. This is encouraging. Thanks again.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 07:13 PM
2

Good idea. Thanks for the suggestion. I think I’d really like data analytics. However, I’ve never really used my accounting degree. I’m wish I was more excited about this rather than scared to death of going poor.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 01:55 PM
2

That’s encouraging. I hear differing things about the bootcamps. I’d just hate to spend the money on one and then not get a job. The job hunt is the big part.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 01:37 PM
2

I hear you. Mine wants nothing to do with me. Just blows my mind. It’s a living nightmare. I feel so powerless. They say it gets better. I just a few moments of peace at some point. This intensity of grief is almost unbearable.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 01:34 PM
3

Ok. I thought about doing my own training in data analytics.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 01:32 PM
1

Thanks. Seems like accounting might be the way to go. If could just get my foot in the door.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 01:29 PM
2

Thanks. I hear you about the degree. It would be a huge pay raise, but, of course I’d have to pay for the degree. I agree. It probably wouldn’t hurt to just go for the accounting.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 10:05 AM
2

Thanks for the update. I have to entertain the fact that this could turn out ok. I have to let my wife go and completely focus on me and my children.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 09:59 AM
1

Thanks. Amazing post. The past is depression and the future is anxiety. So true. I’m just so obsessed right now with ‘why’ this is happening. That’s something I’m going to have to let go of.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 09:49 AM
2

Right. It’s like my wife changed in a dime. Cut off all communication. No longer says hi to me. God it’s so sad.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 04:50 AM
1

I want to be dead too. I’m amazed I’ve hung on this long. I think that if my relationships with my sons ever really gets messed up from this, I’ll be closer to suicide than ever. I desperately want my family back and feel devastatingly guilty in my role in this break up. I will never get over her. She’s an enigma that I’ll never stop trying to figure out. You’re not alone.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 04:47 AM
3

Thanks for the response. I’d like to have just a few good hours of relief from all of this. I may DM you. Thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/24 09:17 PM
5

Losing my best friend hurts too. She was the one I talked everything out with and did everything with and had rituals with. All that is gone now and I’m struggling. Not that I’m not capable on my own, but I just was so secure with my wife. I know part of our issues were that I relied on her too much at times. God it’s really hitting me today.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/24 01:06 PM
1

Man, the worst was having my wife tell me ‘this is over’. What?! God I just remember all the good times and companionship. Why couldn’t we make it better. I sincerely hope she finds contentment.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/24 10:59 PM
2

I’m having a very hard time letting go.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/24 11:28 AM
2

My wife choose.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/24 10:39 PM
7

It’s impossible to break in. So close, yet so far away. My wife essentially became another person who now no longer speaks with me. 2 months ago it was amicable, my wife said she wanted to be friends and know what I’m doing. No she can’t even be around me. I’m too much of a trigger. Her pain must be so awful that blowing up our family seems to be the only option. I cannot get through to her. It’s so frustrating and is just adding another layer of nightmare to this.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/24 09:10 PM
1

What did you go back to school for? I think I might do the same thing. I don’t believe I have total panic attacks, but I get a wave of absolute helplessness and hopelessness and can’t breathe. Usually freaking out about the future. The only way I can calm down is if I call my dad, text him or take a clonopin. It’s the worst part about this. The attacks and this nagging depression. I don’t foresee myself losing my job, but have recently been so tired at work I get worried.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/24 11:06 AM
2

I’m supposed to move out in two week. Do you think I should try begging again to stay? She doesn’t talk to me anymore. At the beginning of all this she was pleasant and now she’s become completely indignant.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/24 09:12 PM
1

Thanks
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/24 07:49 PM
1

Yeah. Beating myself up and awful fear of the unknown is what I deal with.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/24 05:42 PM
2

I’m the same way. I move out in two weeks. My wife has basically been no contact with me. What’s in testing is when I try to talk to her, she just loses her mind. To maintain that anger is something else. She will not let me speak, yet I so desperately need ant to explain myself.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/24 08:01 PM
2

Me too.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/24 03:12 AM
2

Man, that makes a lot of sense.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/24 03:06 AM
1

Thanks man. Yeah, living my best life. Hopefully doable at some point. Definitely checking those books out!
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/24 03:04 AM
1

I tried so hard to be a good dad and a good husband. Still not right or enough.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 11:43 PM
2

I still keep trying to talk with her. I know it’s insane, but I can’t stop thinking about her. I miss who she used to be so much.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 11:40 PM
1

Yes, I’m being blamed for everything and have not been given a chance to tell my side of the story. I so wish she would talk to me and that we could at least meet some closure.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 11:36 PM
2

Don’t have a link. It’s on Spotify.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 11:30 PM
2

Well said. I hope I don’t fall in and stay in the depression. The terror is just paralyzing. I no longer have a partner to navigate this world with.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 11:27 PM
1

Didn’t know I was suggesting that, but I see where you are coming from. I personally am in a situation where I’m letting my wife walk all over me as I want there to be the least amount of conflict. And I’m scared of her and her increasing rhetoric about how awful I am. Not only that, I’m desperate for reconciliation. So obviously don’t listen to me. 😉
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 11:25 PM
1

Great points. I do allow her to have complete power over me. Thanks for the recommendations too.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 11:11 PM
1

Well, I appreciate your comment. I am definitely in a mode of disbelief about how much my wife has changed. I’m still dreadfully scared of being alone and so sad to lose my wife. I definitely put her I’m in a pedestal. I have done so my entire marriage. I’m still in disbelief this amazing woman married me. Now some of her true colors are revealed against me. Throw away versus go away makes a lot of sense.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 11:08 PM
2

I’m just in the middle of all this and my marriage could easily be worked out. Yet my wife wants nothing more to do with me. Divorce is the worst thing that can happen to you this side of losing a child. I was just trying to make an a argument for trying before you give up.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 10:52 PM
2

Christ, that’s the scariest part, being thrust into this and trying to take care of myself in the midst of utter devastation.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 10:47 PM
1

There are no bad emotions. Big Rage fan here too!
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 10:45 PM
1

I’m assuming you mean I ‘don’t’ deserve this. I agree. No one does. It’s a nightmare. I do need to get angry and start looking at who she is now.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 10:00 PM
3

Man, this is sad. There are parts of her personality that have just come forward all against me. To be hunk she changed so much. She used to be so supportive and available. Now she says nothing to me.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 09:58 PM
2

Right. Also, marriages get better by 5 years after a crisis.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 08:24 PM
2

Same happening to me. But I’m the one that has to leave.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 08:20 PM
-1

No! Do what you can to save this. Good communication, being totally focused on you wife’s needs, responding to her bids for affection. She will change and maybe you can talk over a new schedule. Please give it all you can. Divorce is tantamount to losing a child. Absolute nightmare.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 08:17 PM
2

We need to fight. I think our marriage would survive. Yet I’ve been walking on eggshells for years.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 08:11 PM
2

Right. Nice Guys. There’s a book I listened to called No More Mr. Nice Guy. Very helpful in the middle of all of this.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 07:56 PM
3

Yea, it seems to become more insidious over time. My wife said she wanted to split 2 months ago. Of course I was devastated, but we kept talking, living in same house. I did try to reconcile, but that didn’t work. Her behavior just increases with anger as she added more and different reasons for why we split. I still am so confused. Incidentally she’s just quit communicating with me all together. It’s sucks. I just want to at least talk. I don’t know. I just can’t accept this is over.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 04:00 PM
9

This is what I am afraid of and will probably be reality- moving on, but always missing my wife deep down, hoping she has fond memories, but knowing we are not going to be together for this final half of our lives. We took vows for forever. What happened? My wife is resolute too. For me it’s been only a few months and things are moving fast. I don’t understand what happened to her. I did my share of fucking up and blame myself a lot. But my wife with whom I could talk anything out is gone. She h…
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 03:53 PM
8

I miss my wife terribly. She seems like a different person now though.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/24 08:16 PM
1

Yes, it does suck. I basically feel scared and helpless all day with two good bouts of crying in despair. After, 8 I seem to calm down, but sleeping has been getting worse. Guess we need to hang in there. They say it gets better.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/24 12:23 PM
2

Thanks for the response. So sorry you’re going through all of this. May we find some peace soon.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/24 12:21 PM
1

Ah, I can totally relate to feeling like I can’t do it anymore. I’m still in the process and everyday is something new. Today I felt like this. In two weeks I have to move. I’m not sure how I can do that. I’m dreading it so much. I know this group can relate. Thank you all for sharing and helping!
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/24 01:41 AM
2

My wife suddenly said she no longer loved me too. So sad. How did you find out your wife was cheating? I too swear she isn’t cheating. However she has done things that could be seen as evidence. She said she wanted a divorce after a trip out of state . Two weeks later she went to The same place. She went away by herself this week for spring break. She also left hours early to pick up my son at a party. Who knows?
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/24 01:37 AM
2

Wow. Same with me. Initially she said it wasn’t all me, then it was some things I did, then it was that I never loved her to now, like you, my wife is saying I have been emotionally abusive for the last 10 years. At the beginning of this she said she wanted to stay friends and communicate regularly about the kids etc. Now she has cut me off almost completely. We still live in the same house for the next few weeks. She doesn’t talk or look at me. She wants me out of the house half the time. It’s …
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/24 01:51 PM
1

Man, this is so validating. Especially the changing narrative bit. Christ, that is so true. Maybe I need to make a list of things I won’t miss about her.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/24 04:03 AM
2

Same here. I’m just so mind blown and confused. We had a great family.
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/24 03:59 AM
2

Interesting. I wonder if this is what happened with my wife. She has ever changing reasons for wanting a divorce which has culminated in blaming me for making her miserable the last 10 years. We had issues, but her saying this has destroyed me. When she started this it was other reasons and it seemed she still wanted to be friends. No she no longer communicates with me. She travels a lot and when she is gone she doesn’t even communicate with our 16 year old. It’s devastating! I’m so worried abou…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/24 03:57 AM
1

I know. This seems to be the best course of action. However I just can’t seem to give up hope that I could talk to her and at least be cordial if not work out some issues. The worst is leaving this relationship with unfinished business.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/24 11:54 PM
1

Thank you. I hope I can make through. Not sure I’m worthy though.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/24 05:04 AM
2

So sorry you’re dealing with this. It seems like every few days some new issue comes up and I’m re-traumatized.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/24 10:20 PM
1

That’s what I want/need to do. Just confess everything. But it’s nothing really bad. It’s relationship stuff. However, my wife is now claiming emotional abuse. She’s never used those words and nothing I have ever done remotely resembles the clinical definition of emotional abuse. This has killed me. I’m suicidal over it. She won’t talk to me or listen to me. I desperately want to explain myself and ask her to help me understand.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/24 10:14 PM
3

You’re right. I guess I’m just speaking for myself. This whole experience has just plummeted me into self reflection. That’s a slippery slope though because we can end up blaming ourselves for the entire thing.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/24 01:37 PM
3

Right. I guess I ultimately hoped that in my marriage we would oils be able to use the issues that came up for us as opportunities to grow individually and together.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/24 10:14 AM
0

It might turn out that way, but probably won’t. You can weather this storm and come out a happy couple or divorce and traumatize everyone for life.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/24 04:49 AM
-1

But you able to put yourself first in a marriage. You don’t need to divorce for that.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/24 04:28 AM
11

The tragic irony is that the reality of divorce forces people to make changes that could save the marriage, but at that point one is usually totally focused on the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/24 04:26 AM
2

Work on it. It’s worth it. Fight for your life. Divorce is a living nightmare. Please try!
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/24 04:23 AM
1

Luckily my wife said she is ok with the settlement we agreed in so I’m feeling a bit better. However, now that this hurdle I’m closer to this actually being over. I don’t want it to be over. I still want to work it out.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/24 11:11 PM
1

I guess that’s where I need to focus; when I move out I won’t be around her and that might be helpful. Right now I’m just destroyed over having to leave my house and my wife. So much grief. It’s almost unbearable.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/24 11:09 PM
2

Congrats! Hope it goes well!
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/24 02:27 AM
1

Same here. I feel guilty about taking anything.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/24 02:21 AM
1

What career change did you do?
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/24 02:19 AM
1

I can’t shake the denial either. I just get so overwhelmed with helplessness and cry. My wife and I are in the same house for a few more week and we’re basically no contact. I hope it gets easier because right now it’s brutal.
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/24 02:17 AM
5

I’m not confident it’s the right decision, but my wife is. The way she treats me now I wouldn’t treat a dog. Just absolute contempt. It’s surreal.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/24 02:37 AM
1

Yes. At least to the point of having an adult conversation. I am taking responsibility for my role, but in no way acting like an adolescent. As things move along I hope that remains. I’ve been in therapy many more years than my wife so I’m less reactive to thinking’s than she is.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/24 06:30 AM
1

I’m going to paycheck to paycheck for at least a while. Hope against hope I find something higher paying soon.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/24 11:39 PM
1

It’s crazy how men never do this. 🙃
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/24 11:36 PM
-4

If there is anything, anything you can do to stay married, do it. Divorce is a nightmare!!
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/24 11:01 PM
3

I’m hoping this is how we work it out. These kind of threads scare the shit out of me. I have barely anything. How the hell does one wrack up $50-100,000 for a lawyer? I’m wiped out at $3000. That’s it for me.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/24 10:56 PM
1

That’s your tiny experience in this world of 7 billion people. It’s a slippery slope when we start blaming ‘all women’ for our problems. Incidentally, I’m separated, but still live in the house with my wife. She has completely stopped communicating with me. In the midst of all of this I’m trying to look at myself and how I contributed to where she is now. All while understanding she’s not innocent either. Yes, society is fucked up, but I think it has more to do with the institute of marriage, fa…
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/24 01:58 PM
1

Went out tonight by myself. Didn’t feel guilty about one feeling or thought I had. Just existed for a while. I like being alone. However, if someone appears and it’s ridiculously easy, I’d enjoy that too.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/24 07:01 AM
4

Late 40s for me too. Wife told me 6 weeks ago. I’m devastated and the emotional lows have been brutal. Yet I clearly see more and more who my wife is now. I’m starting to take responsibility for my role. The reality of all of this is sinking in.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/24 11:22 AM
12

Joint anything should be avoided at all costs. Voluntary sharing, maybe. Never ever be in a position where you can’t pick up, leave and support yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/24 10:43 PM
9

Trust me. You have a lot of time to still be a Dad. Even if you started at 45 you’d still have time. Don’t let anyone tell you different. However, don’t just ‘settle’ for any partner. You know what I’m saying. Good luck to you.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/24 10:35 AM
2

I’m sorry man. I’ll be moving to an apartment soon. Hopefully for only a year, but I’m not looking forward to it. I’m like you you, I’ll over do the self care stuff and thinking I’m making progress only to feel like shit for a week before I get back into it. So, I’m trying not to over do it and just do what I can. Hope you were able to get out for a bit and are feeling better.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/24 10:08 PM
1

That’s a good point. Feeling helpless sucks so bad.
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/24 12:33 PM
1

Starting slow and sticking with it is key I think.
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/24 12:00 PM
1

This is probably true. When depressed it’s almost impossible to get out there and exercise. Ironically, it’s the best thing you can do to feel better. Research is bearing this out. Even more helpful than meds etc.
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/24 11:57 AM
1

This is great. Thanks for posting your routine. Hooking a new habit to another is supposed to work. For example, I want to connect some sort of workout to my mornings or after work routine. I’d love to have a rowing machine, but I think I want to try kettle bell swings. Cardio and strength. It seems that some sort of weightlifting whether gym or body weight is essential as you get older. I also just need to stop sugar completely.
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/24 11:56 AM
2

Man. Glad things are going well. I also think I might need to take a break from this forum at some point. It has been so helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/24 02:12 PM
1

I hope so. 😉
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/24 10:01 AM
1

Thanks. Luckily I have guitar, music and real therapy. If I could find a better paying job I really liked, life probably wouldn’t be half bad.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/24 02:42 AM
3

Christ dude, I’m with you. We can make it!
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/24 12:35 AM
5

This is good to hear. I’m 48 and this is happening to me. That sense of doom. Ironically, I think it was a recent depressive episode that sent my wife over the line. It’s the unknowns that are killing me now. Where am I gonna live? I need a higher paying job. Need to make sure my son who’s still at home is cared for. Part of all of this is what I’m losing. Time with my son, my house, my neighborhood friends, my wife’s family…Just suddenly taken away from me. Not to mention my best friend of that…
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/24 12:31 AM
2

Marriage is not the ‘be all end all’ we were taught it was. If you can get that figured out, then I think you’ll be ok married or not.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/24 03:00 AM
3

Good way to put it. It’s unbelievable and even though I will have a life after this, it’ll always be tainted by said trauma.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/24 09:39 PM
4

Late 40s too. I just assume I’ll never meet someone again. If I do it will have to be easy. I definitely don’t believe in ‘true love’ anymore. If anything ever happens it’ll have to be organically. Who knows.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/24 09:38 PM
2

I hear you. Focusing in myself seems to be key. At this point I’m just trying not to rock the boat.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/24 08:29 PM
1

How do you not play. We’re stuck in it too. I’m stuck in hope of reconciliation, but that is waning. She is so angry. Every problem she has ever had up to this moment is my fault. I try to talk to her about some mundane thing and it starts with ‘…well you never…!’. It’s just awful. I thought we were going to be able to just work with a mediator, but she went to a lawyer and was almost not going to tell me. So now I have to see a lawyer. At this point I’m so pissed, yet sad and feel completely ou…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/24 04:02 PM
1

Yes, I’m reading more and more about this notion that women want a leader husband. Maybe that was part of the issue with me.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/24 02:16 PM
2

I’m lost then. I keep thinking the big problem was that I wasn’t immediate with my feelings. I thought emotional connection was what was missing from both sides.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 11:25 PM
1

Sad, yet true point. Goal posts keep moving. Makes me think her reasoning is not solid and if we talked we might be able to work it out. She just won’t talk to me. It’s so sad. Over 20 years of marriage in the line.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 02:52 AM
1

You got me. Can’t win.
/r/Divorce_Men29/02/24 09:34 AM
1

My post says I’m working toward making more money. I don’t want to be beholden to her any longer than necessary. I also don’t want to be destitute while things work themselves out. Im not ‘going after’ anything.
/r/Divorce_Men29/02/24 12:53 AM
6

I’m 3 weeks in since wife asked for separation. The first few weeks I was in crisis mode. This week I’m just exhausted and sad too. I’m so worried about my teen son and how this is affecting him.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/24 07:02 PM
2

Try and work it out. Do specific things. Be completely honest. It’s worth it. God if my wife would work with me just a little bit we could have an amazing second half knowing all we do now. But she is adamant about moving on.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/24 02:20 AM
1

I’ll DM you.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/24 05:22 PM
2

Thank you. Yeah, some steps feel pretty heavy at times!
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/24 06:26 PM
1

Thank you for the support. Glad things are going well for you. I definitely need to focus on myself.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/24 12:57 AM
1

Thanks. Will check this out.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/24 06:03 PM
1

I really don’t think there is anyone else. If there is, my mind will be blown.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/24 05:56 PM
1

What is CGA? Thank you. I agree. I was questioning every last summer when I had a terrible depression episode. It was tough and had for her. I thought things were actually getting better. I was making changes and it blew up in my face. She is the one that ultimately wants to split. I have to leave now. I feel like it’s all my fault. It just sucks so bad!
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/24 02:46 PM
1

This book has totally helped me. I really want to join a men’s group now.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/24 02:35 PM
5

That’s what I desperately want. I want to hear specifics of what happened. I want to explain my side. She is brining stuff up from years go that I thought we had processed. I just feel blindsided. Need to get back to my daily walk. Also need to double my efforts with my eating plan. I do ok. Dueling the week, but always succumb to some ice cream on the weekend!
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/24 02:34 PM
4

‘She does not define you’. This is a tough one. My entire existence for the last over 20 years my relationship with this woman has defined me. She suddenly wants nothing to do with me and is basically forcing me to do all this stuff I find devastating (moving out, losing time with kids, less financial security). I guess I need to get angry in order to survive. I just can’t imagine moving. I don’t know how I’m going to do it. Literally packing going to a new place terrifies me. I don’t like chang…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/24 02:28 PM
3

I’m scared I’m going to go into a deep depression and gain weight. It’s so hard to take care of yourself in the midst of this nightmare.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/24 02:14 PM
1

Yeah. Focusing on myself is what I have to do. I’m just so worried about finances, going back to a career a really don’t like to make more money, depressed about leaving my house, sad about losing time with my children. It’s just a fucking nightmare. Shitty thing is is that we could totally work things out. Her contempt and resentment is just way out of proportion of what our problems were.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/24 09:44 PM
1

In my situation it definitely is something that could be worked on in therapy and we both would be the better for it in a happy marriage. That doesn’t seem to be an option now. She’s berating me to stay in this anger state so she can actually go through this. It really sucks. There’s a good foundation there.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/24 05:21 PM
1

That book has been a real eye opener for me.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/24 05:08 PM
2

Dude, I’m with you. It’s been 2 weeks for me. I kept trying to talk to her and it just doesn’t work. She becomes more entrenched. We’re talking assets and logistics now and I can’t but want to say, ‘we don’t have to do this. Let’s work it out.’ But she’s adamant. I really want to explain my side of the situation, but she won’t have it. It’s just an unbelievable situation. I’m so exhausted. She hasn’t even filed yet.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/24 05:04 PM
0

Thanks. Yes I’m trying to be reasonable. She got an inheritance that paid off some of my student loans, so she is bringing that up. I know I’m probably entitled to some of her retirement, but I don’t know if it’s worth the fight. I’m in Georgia which is an equitable state, whatever that means. Not 50/50.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/24 04:42 PM
5

Thanks for the responses friends. I hate to do it, but I’ll probably end up talking to a lawyer before this is all over.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/24 11:44 AM
1

Thanks. Yes, seeing counselor. I’ve done a bit of ‘running the numbers’. I know I need to talk to a lawyer. Was hoping not to have to do that. We were hoping to get this all worked out ourselves, but I’m scared I’m going to get unintentionally screwed.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/24 11:42 AM
1

Thank you. I appreciate your support. It’s very easy for me to just blame myself for everything and feel like I deserve all of this devastation.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/24 11:38 AM
5

Today was one of those days for me. I’m heading for destitution.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/24 02:51 AM
3

Christ these are sad stories. My oldest is a college freshman and my younger is high school freshman. Wife said she wanted divorce 2 weeks ago. I’m probably moving out by summer. I so hope my oldest comes to stay with me part of the time like his little brother. I’m probably going to be in a two room apt. I know he’ll never see that as his home. I’ve got to make it that way for him. Incidentally, him leaving for college was/is so difficult for me. Lots of crying last fall. Losing time with him w…
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/24 02:46 AM
3

That’s all you can do. My biggest fear is that I am the sole cause of this thing. I’m not. I really have to remember it doesn’t come down to good/bad. We do the best we can.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 11:44 AM
1

I hear you. Same with me. Grew up with basically no self concept. When I got married I felt like I was losing part of myself. Not true, I was gaining. I wish I could’ve seen this sooner and acted on it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 04:13 AM
2

Yes. I assume there will be a point where I’ll be ready to go. I do hope it brings some relief. It’s almost unbearable now.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 10:12 PM
2

But what are these changes specifically we need to make? I mean that’s the problem at this stage and the couples counseling stage. There’s no specifics. It’s all just generalities and we don’t really have a clue what to do.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 09:46 PM
6

I feel so alone too. No family around me either. My main talking/problem solving partner has always been my wife. Now she won’t say word. Reddit has been helpful. Feel free to DM me if you need to vent etc. I’ve reached out to a few folks and they have been so supportive. I’m still reeling from the news. Only been over a week. I’m not moving anywhere until shut is figured out. I make no money right now so I’m just praying that a few things I’m looking at work out so my wife doesn’t have to suppo…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 09:36 PM
2

Well at least there is an end. 😉
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 04:05 PM
2

I hear you. Those coaches seem so confident. I so wish it worked. Still holding out hope. For good or ill.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 01:26 PM
2

This is THE post in this sub. Thank you for your wisdom.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 03:02 AM
5

I can’t imagine going out with anyone again. It will have to be the easiest relationship in the world for me to stick with it. I’m so tired. Feel like I worked so hard and I have nothing to show for it.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 10:42 PM
2

Thanks for the response. I am doing some things to help myself so there is a bit of hope.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 03:47 PM
2

I think my wife is relieved. She sees it as a way out of her pain.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 03:44 PM
1

It has been helpful. I’m just dumbfounded and so alone. I truly don’t think I can be happy again. What do I have to look forward to? I’m late 40s. I feel like my life is over. So many things are up in the air. I feel so lost.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 03:40 PM
3

Definitely part of the denial stage. And then you have these coaches online trying to sell you the secret of how to get her back.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 01:37 PM
6

Man, this letter is sobering. I’m still very stuck in the mindset that I can do something to fix this. I just obsess over it all day. The suffering this is causing my sons and I is just unbearable. I’m in such disbelief. This cannot be allowed to happen. Incidentally, I have this letter I wrote one week before she told me she wanted to split. I want to give it to her. I just keep hoping. Family, my therapist and our former couples therapist is telling me I just have to move on. I can’t. There’s …
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 12:39 PM
1

What happened to her? I’m just in shock still.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 12:04 PM
3

I hear you. That compulsion to try and work it out is so strong.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 12:03 PM
1

This is amazing advice! Thank you. I don’t think I have a choice. I feel so scared and overwhelmed I get sick. I know a whole new set of feelings will set in once we move toward specifics. Just so unbelievable now.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 03:48 AM
2

So sorry to hear of all these issues. I hope mine doesn’t spiral out of control. Hoping for by he best for you.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 03:45 AM
4

The low point I think will be when I ultimately have to move out and not see my son everyday. Just anticipating that and all the other forced change is excruciating!
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 01:55 AM
6

Ugh. Not sure how much worse this can get. 🥹
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 01:38 AM
3

Thanks. Definitely trying for more than a slight effort.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 01:38 AM
2

Thanks for the response. I do don’t make enough on my own right now. Wife will have t support me for at least 2 years if I have to move out. I have some opportunities for more money. All require lots of pieces to fall together. I guess I just need to know are of myself one day at a time. Been trying to do that. So scared of b info alone. Or maybe it will be ok.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 01:37 AM
14

1 week in for me. I won’t survive if I’m still this way in 1-2 years. I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 01:17 AM
5

I’m 49 and am in week 1 of this nightmare. It makes it 10 times worse to think I’m being forced to go on my own when I’m this age. How the hell will I ever meet anyone again. I’m scared shitless!! Not to mention I’m basically now in the first part of a career since I took years off to raise kids. Really not sure how I’m going to make it.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 12:49 AM
1

I’m in disbelief. This has got to be a nightmare I wake up to.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/24 10:43 PM
2

Did you split up any retirement or investments?
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/24 07:56 PM
1

Mine will probably be listening to Grateful Dead and Phish full blast. Although my wife never minded them, she never really got into them or tried. In second thought she probably made attempts to talk about them and I just missed the cue. One of things I’m working on. I did make an effort to get into some of her music. Actually like it now. Go figure.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 11:25 AM
1

Late reply, but this is what I’m trying to do. I’d ideally like to do this with my wife if she’d give me another chance.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 11:22 AM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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