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[–]InAJam_SoS39 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Two months after the judge turned me, a father, into a weekend visitor to my children, a man moved in and is able to be with my child more than me.
Share your stories with as many as you can. Share what the family court system as done to your children and you. Share with moms of sons, share with paternal grandmothers who will barely be able to see their grandchildren if their sons go through the family court system. There needs to be sunlight in the corrupt family court system that has no mandate for judges to provide children with maximum equal time with both parents. There's no judicial oversight, no burden of proof for false allegations, no review process. The system is made to destroy families for the sake of money and hides behind the saying: "best interest of the child". Help expose this system. Helpful Links to look at and share:
National Parents Organization
The How & Why This has Happened
Divorce Corp
Although we know this affects children of fathers 95% of the time. It does happen to mothers and try to stay away from making it a Men's Right's / Father's Rights issue. It's a PARENT'S Rights issue and traps have been set to divide men/women andf Dem / Repub on this issue. Don't step in them and present this a one sided. We need allies, not enemies. Good luck everyone.
[–]vinnizrej-2 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
I am genuinely wondering what you think a better alternative would be? Should your ex not be able to start a new relationship? Should your children stay with your ex Sunday pm-Wednesday am and switch to you for Wednesday pm-Sunday am? This type of split 50/50 parenting is the legal trend. But there is something to be said about stability during the school week. Switching houses mid-week may become second nature to a child but it can also be a huge bump in their week.
[–]nillinpendulum6 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Think his issue is more so that he gets 6 days a month with his kids and some other guy gets all the other days. Women like this have their kids calling the new man dad and daddy to and refer to their REAL dads by first name to alienate them.
And yeah she should actually have not moved in a new partner with her children after their parents separated. That is the most stressful thing for the kids and not beneficial to them or consistent.
50/50 week on week off 7 days with each parents seems more logical than a half way through the week switch. Not sure why that's a go to thing for people then use it as an excuse for why 50/50 "isn't stable/ consistent" for "the kids"
[–]25_years6 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Not sure why that's a go-to thing for people then use it as an excuse for why 50/50 "isn't stable/ consistent" for "the kids"
I think it's just a bullshit excuse to keep denying dad, and continue to re-invent and stand behind the "best interests of the children" doctrine. I've even heard legislatures suggesting that moving back-and-forth between households is stressful.
... as if children are made of glass and could shatter at any minute.
This got me thinking. I was raised in one house for all my childhood. But for nine months out of the year, I had to drag my tired ass out of bed at 6:30 AM, figured out what to wear (including cold weather clothes), figured out what I'd be eating or how to pay for food later. I'd have to gather my books and other materials. I'd have to manage my time so I'd not be late for school. And I spent about 35 hours a week away from home at school. All the while, I had to manage time, logistics, food, the weather, my homework and what else?
I could argue that school was "unstable"; it left me constantly packing and unpacking and repacking. It left me tired. I was stressed sometimes. I was constantly getting ready to be somewhere else.
But this was school, so it was okay. But if my divorced dad imposed that, he'd be a shit parent and some strangers would rush to defend my "best interests"? What a load of shit.
[–]InAJam_SoS1 point 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
This is a good point. I'd be interested in hearing from adult children who had to grow up with "visiting fathers". It'd be interesting to get that take.
[–]nillinpendulum2 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
They have documentaries on YouTube and a few adults with channels that talk about not being able to see their dads. And now not having a relationship with their moms for lying to them and taking away their relationship with their father in the early yesrs. I would look into it it's really eye opening on how all this affects children.
Thank you. There are many heartbreaking stories. But who will hear them that will be in a position to help future kids and generations?
[–]vinnizrej2 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Parental alienation is an issue, and to the extent possible it should be addressed in Court so that dad can enforce an Order which holds mom in contempt and/or monetary sanctions.
Where is the data to back up the claim about new partners? Children are extremely adaptable to a variety of situations. They have more resilience than adults think. I can’t agree that a new partner would not be beneficial—it depends on the circumstances. What if dad died instead of divorce? That somehow makes the same new partner’s presence permissible? Seems arbitrary.
Switching halfway through the week allows each parent to be regularly involved in the child’s life. 7 days is a long gap and many parents want to see their child more frequently. The biggest issue with 50/50 custody: when to make the switch and how long in duration.
You bring up great points with Parental alienation too. Cheers!
Also, I think your quote: "Children are extremely adaptable to a variety of situations. They have more resilience than adults think. " is a good observation on how a 50/50 schedule would be easier on children than we've been led to believe.
Great question. I believe, and research supports, the better alternative is 50/50 maximum equal time with both parents. There are many ways to make a schedule that works for the family and children. Alternating whole weeks with exchanges on the weekend or drop off Wednesday morning at school then pick up the next Wednesday afternoon at school. Just a couple of examples. The schedule you cite is an option, but certainly not the only one and I would personally agree that it can become 2nd nature to some children and can also be a 'bump' to others. A more negative 'bump' occurs to children that don't have both parents in their lives equally. Being with one parent on only every other weekend means they will be with that parent for 48 hours minus sleep time. They aren't with that parent again for 11 days. The 'visitation' in effect becomes more of a 'bump' and children lose important parental bonds in ways that can't be made up in the span of 30 -35 hours (remember sleeping time) every 11 days.
"Should your ex not be able to start a new relationship?" - IMO, yes. However, it's not about the ex, it's about children. Yes, exes should be free to have relationships and we should want the exes to be happy because this can aide better parenting. Keep in mind when a new and intimate partner is introduced to a household it creates a pretty big 'bump' in itself. The sudden amount of time a child is forced to spend with a stranger or someone they aren't familiar living with could be eased by a steady amount of time with the other parent. Also, to follow your thought process, why don't we just determine the starting point of a father being the primary parent and mothers only see their children every other weekend (4 days out of every 30ish days). No, this doesn't work either. It's detrimental to children. Children are harmed when the amount of time spent with a parent is equal to "visiting". BTW... "custody" and "visitation" are horrible terms we've come to accept by the abusive family court system. Here's a couple of resources if you'd like to delve in a little further. Thank you for the question,
"This type of split 50/50 parenting is the legal trend." - Unfortunately, this is a myth and not supported.
Statistics of Child Behavior related to Parenting Time
Joint versus sole physical custody: Outcomes for children independent of family income or parental conflict
[–]crowexplorer27 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
My ex wife married the scumbag she was cheating on me with, then told my kids they had to call him "dad". Good times. They divorced within a year though, so it worked itself out.
[–]awesomelybearded3 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
(o:
[–]NLP_Onyx15 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Hard agree with this. Especially knowing my STBXW and her tendencies. My two boys have amazing potential within them, and at 4 and 6 are already showing it in their studies. Both have been testing well above average, and both started school a year early due to late in the year birthdays. I've been doing what I can to provide for them and instill good morals, habits, etc... in them for when I'm no longer as involved as I want to be (and eventually pass away, but that's for another existential discussion).
However, as they age, I'm sure they'll come to the proper realizations. In the meantime, I might just end up being a deadbeat and irresponsible father (because mommy said so).
[–][deleted]12 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
I feel you brother.
My "replacement" walked out on his own wife and 6 month old baby.
I fucking despite the fact she refers to him as their "step dad". You have to earn any title with dad in it as far as Im concerned.
The world just aint right sometimes.
[–]euphramjsimpson11 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
That person is my old neighbor. I don't know what my ex saw in him but he is not a good person. He has been and is abusive to his ex and his own mother, calling them both c**t and b***h. I know he has cursed his ex in front of his two young daughters. I think the things he has done are reprehensible and irredeemable. He probably isn't like that to my ex or to my sons but I know that is what he is.
To me, it is very sad that his daughters will grow up thinking that an acceptable way to speak to women is the way he talks to their mom. But those are his kids and that is on him for being that poor example. That my sons may think it is a tragedy.
[–]streetsmartwallaby4 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
He probably isn't like that to my ex or to my sons but I know that is what he is.
He probably isn't like that to my ex or to my sons *yet* but I know that is what he is.
Fixed it for you. Sadly.
Just live your best life and be the best example you can for your kids. They pick up on way more than we realize (in retrospect; mine are older than yours) and will automatically want a calm peaceful happy living situation over one like which your ex- is getting into.
[–]25_years2 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
I'm pretty sure you can say cunt and bitch here.
[–]Classic_Dill10 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Then use your influence as their actual father, to push or teach your children your moral and value foundations.
[–]Flyn2k7 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
100% this. Focus on what you can influence, not what you can't.
[–]used2befast10 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Yup. My ex turned into a real piece of shit. She was an attorney and local/state politician.
Attempt at a fake DV charge. Attempted to claim I was inappropriate with my daughter. Parental alienation. Gave my parents estate planning advice which surprisingly benefited her in the divorce.
Ended up spending $125K in attorneys bills just to secure 30%. I was afraid to risk it all at trial. Namely my parents life work and savings.
This was a devout catholic too.
[–]oddcompass2 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
My ex-wife and her mother are attorneys, too. Was an absolutely brutal process.
[–]JonathanApple8 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Haven't gotten there but it is absolutely the stuff of nightmares. My step dad was an asshole too.
[–]JohnnyMnemo8 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
My ex-wife left me and eventually moved in her girlfriend. You read that right.
Fortunately, her gf by all accounts is a pretty decent person. It could definitely be worse.
I have chosen to do the opposite--the kids barely know that I'm dating, let alone have had a new gf of my own around them. I just am not ready to have them see me as a single person, and to introduce a new adult to their lives.
[–]Frosty_Season_80924 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
This is the right thing to do.
[–]Fuzzy_Development_377 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
I’m lucky, my ex is a narcissist who needs empathic people for her supply.
I work on me and make sure the kids get the emotional support when they’re with me. I also found an amazing and kind lady who’s in my life now who my kids adore
[–]Basic_Advance76275 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
It suck’s major. But you can do nothing about it. Nothing. Be the best dad you can. Heal yourself first, then help the kids. In time they’ll see for themselves just how big of a wh**e piece of crap mommy and her pathetic boyfriend is.
[–]NohoTwoPointOh5 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Their janky little friends will be even worse. That's the true value. Unless this guy is something exceptional, no grown-up is gonna be cooler than their peers.
What can you do about their friends? Only a little.
Soooooooooooo.... You can only worry about the values and image that YOU project. External forces are everywhere with social media and teh Intarwebz. That guy is a drop in the motherf***ing bucket when you look around at what's assaulting your kids. The number one single in America was Wet Ass Pu**y. That should concern you more.
Run your own race. If you're not yet a perfect father, guardian, mentor, and coach, then you have more important things than to worry about the blowings of the ephemeral winds. If the guy gets 86'd (like you did and her next one, likely), then what? You've wasted cycles on nothing.
Sharpen your swords, improve your dadcraft, build better communication, be loving-but-firm, and win the culture war. Nothing else matters.
ETA: It ain't easy. I know it as much as anyone. But hyper-focus on the important stuff. It ain't easy.
[–]Party-Kaleidoscope235 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
And that’s the main reason I’m toughing it out with my wife. We split back in April but my wife started talking to a guy and all I could think about was my kids. Even though everything was amicable I couldn’t take that.
[–]RubberNipples78904 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Stepdads are known to sexually abuse kids. Mostly, because it’s not their genetic material that they’re fondling. That’s why I decided to wait until my kids go to college.
One of my ex-girlfriends was sexually abused by her stepdad numerous times when she was in elementary school. He only stopped because her brother walked in on them. Pretty gross.
[–]AlexFromOgish2 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
That’s a huge nonsense generalization about stepdads abusing their step kids. Some do but then again so do some biological dads. I wonder if there are reliable Statistics?
[–]Hayekr4 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Don't confuse the fact that step fathers abuse their non-biological children more than biological fathers do as making it some how "likely" it will happen. Abuse is still relatively rare but more likely in that dynamic than any other parent/child dynamic. I believe it's called the Cinderella effect. It should be clarified as well that it isn't necessarily"sexual abuse", it's more physical harm.
This happens in the animal kingdom as well; for instance male lions immediately kill the cubs in a pride that aren't theirs when they take new territory. They don't want to pass on the genes and expend energy on cubs that are not their offspring.
[–]Funny_Wolverine_92 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
It's not nonsense. Stepdads sexually abuse their kids more than biological dad's. It's a fact. Google it.
[–]RubberNipples7890-3 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
It is. 😜
[–]used2befast2 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Brothers in Texas kill stepfather for sexually abusing 9-year-old sister, reports say:
[–]postalmaner0 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
This is a poor regurgitation of statistics and probabilities.
A child has one biological father. A child may have one or more step-fathers.
The probability of abuse, if it's equally likely across all males, is therefore greater when n >= 1.
It's just as easy and full of bullshit to say that "stepdads are better father's than biological fathers, because they choose to be there--you just busted a nut and stuck around long enough to be called ``dad''".
[–]ElliotMarriott4 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
I paid $30000 in lawyer fees $6000 in super visits. Then lost $150000 to settle and my home that I bought with my inheritance. After all this I pay $609/month for child support.
I am switching trades to see my son more and during my first few years of apprenticeship I will be left with zero money after I pay for everything.I started living on the mock income right now. I have been back to court yo adjust my child support by they told me that I was being lazy and trying to pay less support.
I was never charged with domestic violence/not one hospital visit or any thing linking me to domestic violence. The women shelter aided her and made more accusations towards me. Her lawyer quite once the judge gave me visitation rights.
The worst part was losing my son 7 months to the visit. I was only allowed to see him 1 hour/visit ar a decided place by my ex wife and the agency that the court appointed. I lost my pride and my dignity.
It doesn’t bother me much that my ex has a new man. Or my kid has a new dad. Because I know I fought hard to be able to see my son 3 days a week. I was there when he was born at 900 grams. I never missed a child support payment and pay for all his cloths and such when he is with me. I really try to be the better man. As long as the new dude cares for son and son is happy I can’t ask for more. I will not be friends with him but I will not stress about things I cannot control. That is the major thing I learned about family law.
[–]WartimeDad0 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Fuck man, you’re a mentally strong dude. Similar to my story so it hit me. Keep up the good work brother.
[–]ElliotMarriott1 point 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
It took me a long time sir.
I trust no one now. I try I have bad days as well. But not drinking at all has helped me
We can chat whenever man. I hope you are doing well.
[–]yourmomshotvag3 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
You and me both man.
[–]AlexFromOgish3 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Talk therapy; for you and for kids
[–]Mountain_Split_23813 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Fake fathers (step-fathers) trying to scold or well-orient our kids makes me vomit given the reality that it is 99% of the time false love.
[–]_nothingmatters_3 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
This is so painful to read. You got me in the gut. I’m sorry, man. It fucking sucks.
[–][deleted]2 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Having confidence in your ability to be a father should offset this feeling. A new guy might even push your children towards you more.
My children know who I am. I'm not worried if my ex finds someone and they eventually live together.
More than anything, I think her next relationship will fail as well and if it works out and she has matured, I think my kids would ask her- "why couldn't you be like this with dad?"
[–]Frosty_Season_80922 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
💯 agree
[–]jiveassjake2 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Yea,,, not much we can do. I enjoy rum and or whiskey on my night off. Whatever gets you out of the of that zone is good as long as it doesn't effect you or the people around you in a negative way
[–]CaliBoundDad20152 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
You will always be your kids father. Always.
[–]lostcanuck0072 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
i keep thinking why can't we petition the supreme courts in our jurusdictions for a change to the laws?
as a group? like imagine 50 individuals all pay for and try a suit to change the current laws..whats the worst that could happen?
[–]HENKH4L2 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
What a coincidence.. Yesterday I was dropping off a laptop for homeschooling at my ex who now lives with my formerly friend.
He was there to open the door. We had a informal chitchat about him getting another PCR. My kids where still up and were a bit surprised that I was there. My 3 yo asked if I was picking him up. It was about 8:15 PM. He told them that they were going to bed, that my 8 yo needed to get upstairs and I caught him saying you stay with daddy downstairs to my youngest son. (They rock the toddlers to sleep)
He has 3 kids of his own, ages 2, 8 and 10. I wasn't too bothered, I could be that he does this automatically, could be not. He ain't a terrible dad or something. However he calls himself, I for a fact know that my kids know better and that I'll always be their dad. They love me a lot and I love them even more.
Did not really want to make a deal of it, seems like a waste of energy to me since I know better.
[–]Eedoryeong2 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
That is sickening but it needn't necessarily be a bag of shit. Hear me out. Your kids are in one aspect going to be influenced by several mentors and advocates in the world. Most of those influencers are not going to be you or mom. I don't know your specific circumstances but I hope for you that it turns out (as it very well could) that your kids will have acquired an addition to their roster of long term advocates from 2 people to 3, instead of just removing one (you) for another (him), the latter which it sounds like it's not really happening if you're getting regular time with them. That 3rd person is vetted by the same one who picked you. So hopefully that brings you a little assurance in the interim. Stay vigilant of course, but what they will need is for you to be
Do this and over time, they will see and know.
I hope that works for you. It's what I'm using for myself and our situation.
[–]Flimsy_Ebb_31162 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
I really feel for you bro. I know one day it will happen to me as my ex moved on. Now a days people don’t even care or have the mental capacity to show other peoples kids the love they need. People are selfish and in their own world. Just shower them with love. One thing I will tell you a kid can realize true unconditional love and you keep showing them that. One day they might not even want to stay with mommy and her bf. Women are always in their feelings and don’t realize the damage it can do to a kid. Don’t get me wrong yes move on, but from what I read about divorces you should 1. Be by yourself (at least a year if their young kids) 2. Let the child understand what’s going on. Also let’s be real you shouldn’t want no man around your kids too fast. But like I said women and their needs come before their own kids well being not all women but alot and I’m only speaking on this because I lived it as a child. I love my mom but I never forgot and it does damage you. So just shower them in love and I’m hoping the best for you
[–]Snowbirdy2 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
I lucked out. My ex-wife married a guy who really is decent and helps take care of the kids. We might even all go on holiday together with my new partner and her kid. But I definitely am aware of how lucky I am.
So it’s not a foregone conclusion that she will get with a scumbag, but as this thread shows, it is certainly a risk. Good luck my friend
[–]thefudmaster2 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
OP, my ex dated a number of trashy guys (Domestic violence convictions, child abuse convictions, etc.) but then she met a great guy and married him. I would feel the same way as any father with less time, but I fought tooth and nail for 50/50. It was my hill to die on and I achieved it despite lawyers, judges, and other court personnel attempting to persuade me to be a visitor to my children. It wasn't going to happen.
[–]pilotbrown161 point 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Damn I haven't even gotten there yet. My my kids only listen to me anyway so I am not worried
[–]relationshiptossoutt1 point 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
This fear kept me paralyzed and in a completely dysfunctional marriage for far, far too long.
I have 50/50 custody with my kids. My wife is chaotic and will likely have a string of partners in and out of her life. The best thing I can do for them is hold tight, be a stable, predictable force. I should show my kids how people live.
You're doing them no favors by modeling an unhealthy relationship.
[–]Mickwillie-4 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Get over that shit. Have some faith in your ex and your kids.
[–]JustAnotherBoomer2 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Get over that shit. Have some faith in your ex
He once did have faith in his Ex and look what happened. Quit being dismissive. The OP feels auguish--rightfully so and here you are kicking him when he is down.
[–]WartimeDad2 points 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Got nothing to do with “faith.”
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