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streetsmartwallaby Archive

View 0 posts and 618 comments by streetsmartwallaby on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
3

Four months after we separated and eight months BEFORE the divorce finalized. Wasn’t really dating; more like friends with benefits. But I’d been unhappy for awhile and saw the end coming for quite some time. I’d been planning the divorce for almost two months before I served her.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/26 02:45 AM
2

Unfortunately it lacks two things you definitely want in a doctor - judgement and wisdom - which one acquires by being thoughtful and experienced. I see this all the time in the young physicians I work with who may be "book smart" and love their numbers / calculators but lack the wisdom / judgement to know what to do with - or more importantly when to ignore - those numbers. We call it a "Harvard death" - the numbers look great but the patient stills dies. Don't get me wrong - people are still f…
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/26 05:15 PM
2

FWIW I work in the medical field and I would STILL consider AI new. I’d never substitute its judgement for that of a doctor. My $0.02 and maybe worth only that much.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/26 02:19 AM
1

No
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/26 05:03 AM
11

Pro tip: Wait at least a day before responding.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/26 04:09 AM
6

If you have any PROBLEMS with her that you are hoping will get better once you are married, they won't. Very few problems get better when you get married. Get them all straightened out and before you get married.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/26 05:38 PM
3

The divorce rate - overall - has been falling recently (last few decades). Gray divorce - for the over 50 crowd - has been riding This is from a recent article in Forbes magazine: The Divorce Rate Has Decreased From 4.0 to 2.4 Since 2000. Both the marriage and divorce rates have declined over time. In 2000, a total of 944,000 divorces and annulments occurred. The crude divorce rate was 4.0 per 1,000 population during that year. By 2022, it had fallen to 2.4 per 1,000, with just 673,989 people di…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/26 05:37 PM
5

Just stay as present and accepting in their life the situation as you can. The same thing happened to a friend of mine; he just stayed open and receptive to his kids. Eventually they reached out to him and then they came around and now they realize that all of the crap they thought their dad did was actually because of their mom. They have a wonderful relationship with her dad now. That's what I hope for you Internet stranger. All the best!
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/26 07:37 PM
4

My ex-wife was so mad she forgot to do this and I got the dog. Madder about it then not getting any custody / visitation of our kids. It was bananas. My wife did not realize dogs were considered property so the line "husband and wife have divided property and each will hold onto what they have in their possession" in the settlement ensured I got the dog. My attorney knew that was important to me (and the kids; they loved that dog too) so she made sure I got the dog. I suspect my ex-wife's attorn…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/26 03:33 AM
23

"No" is a complete sentence.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 11:50 AM
5

Never take legal advice from your opponent. Heck never take advice from your opponent.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 04:57 AM
2

Yes. Drugs and alcohol.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/26 03:17 AM
31

I didn’t ask; I just filed. She was super pissed; I’ve never heard language like that before and I had a bunch of friends in the armed services two of which are marines one of whom was a drill instructor. Swearing was his art form. And he had nothing on what I heard from my wife. She wasn’t pissed about the divorce itself; she was pissed because I discovered what she was up to and got all of my ducks in a row before I filed and she had no idea. (I had to; she was wild and out of control; the kid…
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/26 11:02 PM
4

How old on – this went on for five months and you didn’t file? Dude… As soon as she threw you out, you should’ve filed. I know it’s water under the bridge at this point and don’t mean to pile on, but you gotta take some responsibility for this my brother.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/26 07:44 AM
1

Yes, sorry. Those people are idiots. Very unlikely you’ll find a pro bono lawyer. But – they’re worth every penny because they likely could’ve prevented this from happening.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/26 07:40 AM
5

I'm not so sure about that; I think not all lawyers have good relationships. I can tell you that my divorce lawyer seemed pretty gleeful about sticking it to the other divorce lawyer. It seemed like more than a friend friendly rivalry to me. My sister is a lawyer and and I know there are some lawyers that she works with on an occasional basis that she despises and takes significant pleasure in sticking it to them.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/26 08:00 PM
6

Depends on what type of lawyer his wife is and how well she paid attention in law school. It's sort of like being a doctor; everyone went to medical school but you wouldn't want a pediatrician doing neurosurgery any more than you'd want an environmental lawyer handling a divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/26 05:46 PM
2

I assume that she was a bad client meaning that she was not honest with her lawyer (I know of multiple lies that she told her) and I’m guessing did not pay her on time. She also had some rather unreasonable demands with regards to the settlement and custody issues. Not sure how common it is, but I’m guessing not that common.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/26 05:46 AM
2

I had one. She was fantastic. My ex-wife had one too; she was ... less than fantastic although to be fair my wife was a terrible client (she was "fired" by her lawyer the day the divorce agreement was finalized)
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/26 03:59 AM
1

Some people are simply better at telling people what to do than doing it themselves. And some just tell the patients want they want to hear. I know of a doctor who got absolutely rave reviews from their patients because he always did what they wanted even if it was malpractice. I know of at least one patient who was given a $100k settlement for grievous malpractice who still spoke highly of that doctor because "He's so nice and caring!!!". Yes - right up until the medicine he prescribed destroye…
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/26 04:14 PM
1

It's wild isn't it. Mine stopped working when she got pregnant with our first and worked part time when the youngest turned five and went into preschool but it was wild to watch her to be so out of control. Always wanted to ask her "what would you advise a patient who was acting like you are?" But I never did.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/26 03:31 PM
1

Can I ask what denomination? (Just curious – you certainly don’t have to answer if you don’t feel comfortable)
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 08:40 PM
2

Right?!? (Mine too)
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 08:39 PM
3

Ha ha ha - mine too. Really amazing isn’t it?
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/26 08:38 PM
1

It’s up to you. I changed my name for my first marriage, but not my second. My guess is that the same people who put you on this Facebook page will easily track you down despite the name change especially if you have social media with pictures under your previous name. If you are on the BUSTED Facebook page for something you actually did you should probably own up to it.
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/26 04:10 AM
1

Too long didn’t read except for the very end. You can break up with anyone at any time for any reason. Or even no reason at all.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/26 09:12 PM
2

Nope
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/26 07:12 AM
5

I have. And I deleted all of it. My kids don’t need to see the mountain of evidence that their mom was an out-of-control drug addict who endangered their lives on multiple occasions. They sure don’t need to see the nudes she sent to other guys or the horrible texts she sent to me. If all they remember is the good stuff (and so far that’s all they do) I will die a very happy man. Obviously they could request the legal stuff from the court if they want but so far they haven’t. They rarely ask what…
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/26 02:26 AM
5

First off - Congratulations on your sobriety! That’s great. Documentation is your friend here. I would make sure to clearly document before each pick up that you’ve examined him and don’t find any ticks. I agree with the others who recommend moving all communication to text or email. I did the same thing. When I did have to talk to my ex-wife, which was very rare, I would answer the phone saying “just so you know I’m recording this call“. If you feel the need to respond in the moment, something …
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 10:05 PM
2

I initiated it and am much happier now. I filed because of her out of control substance and mental health issues. Life is much better now; much simpler and less chaotic.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 06:57 AM
4

Edit that part out and send it back to her. Better yet get a lawyer to look this over for you and don’t sign anything without their approval. One of the biggest, most important, recommendations in this forum is “never take legal advice from your enemy” - i.e. your soon to be ex-wife.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/26 01:17 AM
7

Honestly I think you dodged a bullet here. This drama sounds bad on both sides. I'm guessing you're all fairly young? My advice is to get off social media altogether. I haven't updated my Facebook page in over a decade and just keep forgetting to deactivate it.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 09:03 PM
4

The day I had her served.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 05:09 AM
6

Minimum six months. I never introduced anybody until I was sure my partner was gonna be there long-term. Since none of my partners ever were, none of them have ever met my kids. On a separate note, he’s 18 years older than you with two teenage kids. He’s in a much different place in his life than you are and my guess is he just wants to have fun (I say this is somebody who once stated someone 12 years younger than me for just that reason; I knew it was never going to lead to anything long-term. …
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 09:04 PM
6

Oof - that really sucks. Time to walk away. I don't know how you managed for thirteen years.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 12:11 AM
2

You think her friends and family are going to hate you because she had an affair? If so that hatred is wrongly placed and they are the assholes - not you. And your kids definitely will not. Think of the lesson you are teaching them if you stay - that it's okay to be cheated on and treated poorly. If you are not in therapy you might find it helpful. I certainly did. It taught me to stand up for what I need and that I deserve to be treated respectfully.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 10:43 PM
2

Oof - that's tough. Do you know if you can break it for a penalty???
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 09:05 PM
2

You can break up with anyone at any time for any reason at all. Or even no reason at all. But you – you have a pretty good reason. My wife struggled with mental health and substance abuse issues before during and after our separation; it was the reason for the separation. Our children were no longer safe around her. She was homeless at times and it sucked for sure but I always made sure she could see the children when she was clean and sober. That was an absolute. Having firm boundaries is a goo…
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 07:08 PM
4

When is the lease on the apartment up? Or is it month to month? Make sure to open a bank account for yourself – at a separate bank from where your shared account is – and have your paychecks direct deposited to that account.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/26 06:39 PM
6

Hard no. Because she wasn't a good mom. But I encourage my kids to do so.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/26 07:40 PM
5

This is the way. This is what I did for my kids and I never regretted it. Even though she never did anything for Father’s Day for the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 06:13 AM
4

I'd block them.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 04:31 AM
3

Because the system sucks in some places and some choose notbto.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/26 02:34 AM
2

We are all outliers until the system changes. If everyone gives up the system will never change. I had people tell me I was going to get screwed in the divorce (hell - my then FIL called me up and said "let's you and I work this out before she takes all of your money) but I found a great lawyer and had documented everything meticulously so when we went to court the judge even the judge said she was neglecting the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/26 04:55 PM
2

I got full custody of my kids, paid 5% of my salary for one year of alimony and zero child support. Married 10 years. Not all systems are rigged against the men.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/26 04:16 AM
8

The (sexual and physical in addition to emotional) affair partner broke up with her and she is monkey-branching back to you. "No" is a complete sentence.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/26 02:23 AM
3

Mine sort of did but not directly. And it was after five years of hellish behavior on her part. It was right before she left (we haven’t seen or heard from her since) so I suspect was a way of making amends.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/26 09:09 PM
2

I found it to be super helpful. But you have to be honest and you get out of it what you put into it. If you're not going to do the work you're not going to get anything out of it. And the work is hard.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/26 07:13 AM
1

What will you do when, presumably, one day she moves out of the house? Look I get it - I love my kids - but I very much enjoy when they are out of the house. From a very young age they have done weekend sleepovers at grandma’s house then week-long vacations with the grandparents and two week summer camps. I so enjoyed the week(s) of peace, solitude and, cough cough, unrestricted adult time. Twas glorious. One can be apart from one’s kids and still be part of their lives. I suppose my point is th…
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/26 12:01 AM
1

I say this with much respect and in the interest of helping you heal and grow. It sounds like you actually do regret the choices you’ve made from this post. Look – I get it. It’s sometimes easy to see yourself as a passenger on the bus of life. But you sound so passive in the things that you have allowed to happen. Given that, it’s not hard to see why things haven’t worked out the way you hope they would. I can see a past where you separated from your wife 10 or 15 years ago, owing only a small …
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/26 07:53 PM
1

My children were definitely worth the relationship I had to go through to get them.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/26 07:48 PM
1

“No” is a complete sentence. For both of those. Look - my then STBXW sent all manner of terrible proposals to me. We (lawyer and I) ignored all of them. In the end she got no child support and a pittance of alimony (one year and 15% of my salary) for an almost ten year marriage. Let her send whatever proposals she wants. Having said that you do need to own your part in this. You chose to stay married when you didn’t want to. A higher settlement may be the price you have to pay.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/26 04:29 AM
3

My soon to be ex-father-in-law called me up shortly after we separated to say “let’s work this out before my lawyer takes you for half of everything”. Ignored the call. Divorce went absolutely my way as his DIL was an alcoholic meth head. Years later my ex-MIL told me they spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on rehab and supporting her. Ex-wife no longer in the picture but I have a decent relationship with ex-MIL. She calls a few times a year. I send her pictures of the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 05:26 AM
2

I divorced my wife in part because of the alcohol that she drank. I came home from work and found her passed out drunk on the sofa with our kids watching TV. I could not wake her up.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 05:07 AM
3

The dude she is having sex with - that she thought wanted to "be" with her - has cut her loose so she is. Monkey-branching back to you. As soon as she finds another one she'll do this again. Sorry - very cynical. Makes my poor sweet mother cry.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 05:37 PM
1

She is only entitled to 50% of the increase in value over the time you were married - 50% of the debt accrued during the marriage. So if the house, for instance, increased in value from $150k to $180k she is entitled to only $15k. If you brought a 401k into the marriage and it increased from $125k to $145k she is entitled to $10k. Unfortunately for you if she accrued $40k in student loans while married you are responsible for $20k of it.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 12:10 PM
1

In the US she'd be entitled to almost nothing if the marriage was less than a year.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/26 05:32 PM
2

I'm in the US; no idea how divorce works in your country. The divorce process itself took roughly a year and was only that quick because she screwed up and had to settle instead of fighting it out in court. Otherwise could have been 2-3 years and $$$$ to settle. After the divorce it was five years of chaotic parallel parenting while she made my life miserable. Maybe your wife will be more reasonable than mine was but it could be a long next couple of decades.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/26 05:31 PM
1

Well this was quite some time ago (pre-AI) and I flagged each entry when I put it in with pertinent flags so I organized it when I put the info in. Nowadays one would dump the entire journal into AI to sort although I would not trust AI to pick out what is important. I work in healthcare and that is a common issue for us. Good for something's but not too be trusted too far. My sister is a lawyer and she has tried AI for some of her work with very mixed success and especially for stuff like this …
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 04:44 PM
2

I used a journaling app on my phone / tablet / laptop (same app on all three; common database). The app backed everything up to the cloud and was end-to-end encrypted. Could store video, audio, text, email, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 05:23 AM
2

The say I served her the papers!
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 02:14 AM
2

Nothing; she knew better than that. My kids were not afraid to say to her "mom you are not being fair" and then ask me to come get them. Which I would. That happened a few times and then she mostly stopped. She directed most of her anger and fury at me which I just ignored. Sounds like this is a different situation. You cannot force someone to change their behavior but you can make it increasingly more painful for it to continue. Make sure you are documenting all of this - screenshots of text me…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 03:01 PM
2

Oh yes. They each got cell phones when they hit high school. Luckily for me she had calmed down by then. I have always talked with my kids about appropriate boundaries (issue with my ex-wife long before they had cell phones) so by the time they got the phones they were able to ignore anyone (but especially their mom) when someone would message them to frequently. Including me occasionally much to my annoyance. Hoist on my own petard. Before (and after) they got cell phones we talked about how to…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 02:27 PM
5

Sorry this is happening to you. I had my ex-wife set for no alert / ring when she called / messaged or emailed. I would wait a minimum of twelve and usually twenty-four hours before any type of reply and only replied when one was absolutely needed - which was nowhere near as often as she thought. She eventually burned herself out and all the messaging / calls stopped.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/26 01:31 PM
1

I was going to suggest this: “We were married from 20xx-20xx. She is not eligible for rehire.” but I think OP’s refusal to talk about it at all is the way to go.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 01:09 AM
3

This is the way. I would never talk to one of my ex’s future ex-husbands.
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/26 01:07 AM
2

Why does your stbxw care so much what your daughters think? Plenty of people don’t like me and I don’t give two fucks about what they think.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 07:28 PM
1

If I were you I'd be considering a change in jobs to spend more time with the kids. Prioritize time with kids over money. I did and I have never regretted it.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 11:11 PM
7

I did for my kids until their mom left. I would make sure they picked out a card and something meaningful to them. Never anything expensive but something meaningful. I never got anything for Father’s Day until my family - who realized their mom was not going to do anything - stepped in to help the kids understand what Father’s Day was all about. Now I get a card and a small meaningful gift. I honestly didn’t care if they got me something or not; they let me know all the time how much they apprec…
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 09:59 PM
4

"No" is a complete sentence. Make sure to get a lawyer. Judges hate change so you're likely going to prevail here.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 01:43 PM
6

I was raised to respect, honor and love my mom. I tell her "no" all the time. Good firm boundaries are actually a loving and good thing.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 04:18 PM
8

Teach your son that “no” is a full sentence. Also that good (enforced) boundaries are a loving thing. Your ex- sounds like a POS.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 04:19 AM
2

Threeish months. Of course I’d pretty much known / been preparing for the divorce for at least a year.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 08:20 PM
3

I moved halfway across the country. 10/10 recommend. I moved to be close to family to help with the kids but if we hadn't had kids I'd have left anyways.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/26 04:05 AM
-5

When I was married and things were not yet bad we each took a separate vacation every year. I would usually go various places with my sister and parents; occasionally with friends. She would go either with her parents or her friends. Separate vacations is a pretty normal thing and if your marriage is going to fall apart because of them it was going to fall apart anyways.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 10:57 PM
3

"No" is a complete sentence.
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/26 04:06 PM
3

My wife tried that in court too; I looked her dead in the eyes and said “I lied to keep the peace”. It was not the “gotcha” moment she was hoping for. [she had been unable to get an attorney so was representing herself]
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 08:16 PM
9

A lot of us have the face we wear in public and the one we wear at home. My ex-wife did this but it eventually came out. One of her friends tearfully apologized for believing / supporting her. Karma's a bitch and, I believe, catches up with all of us.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 05:09 PM
4

I did, but in my case, my wife was using drugs and alcohol including being passed out drunk at home when she was supposed to be caring for the kids (while I was working) and also driving while drunk/high. I feel like behavior - without physical abuse - is much harder to prove that someone cannot coparent.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/26 07:59 AM
3

Never. I have always worked on developing interests and myself both with my relationships and without them. Because I realized early on not to count on anyone but myself. No job and no one, except maybe with my sister and my kids and even those who knows, will be forever with. You can't place the entirety of your being in one relationship, one job, one hobby, one anything.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/26 10:11 PM
1

They should be pretty obvious and easy to find. These are not small cameras. After you find them I’d be tempted to put a piece of tape across them or just disconnect them. After, of course, documenting where they were.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/26 09:20 PM
1

In general pets are considered property and you can argue over the dog just like you can argue over any other piece of property. It’s up to you to decide what the dog is worth to you. Possession is also 9/10 of the law. My lawyer made sure that there was a clause in my divorce agreement (I’m sure it’s a standard clause) stating that any property that was in our possession at the time the final agreement was signed was ours (that is to say everything in my house was mine and everything in her hou…
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/26 06:50 AM
7

Driving / caring for the kids while drunk / high.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 07:28 PM
2

You want to document and track episodes of abuse / neglect; nothing else you are talking about matters. At least they did not in my case. In my opinion, and I want to say I understand and empathize with what you are trying to do, the "glorified babysitter argument" is not going to mean anything and I think you are wasting time / energy on it. I suspect it will make you look petty in court. I documented everything in a journal app which allowed me to print everything out in entries by days. I cou…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 01:29 PM
5

Having done this once - and only once - I say don't do it. We went out for dinner and while it was not painful it was awkward the whole time. I kept thinking about all the better things I could be doing. Then her last remark was an insult about a nice habit I have that she found annoying. (I'm too kind apparently). I went immediately to a friend's house and we got completely hammered.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/26 04:55 AM
1

Mine was served after I took the kids and left town for the weekend. We did it this way over concern for violent behavior on her part when she got served. She seemed to have no idea it was coming which is, I think, the part that upset her the most. Despite her drinking and using and my telling her it can’t go on like this because I could lose my job if she got arrested for hard drug use. I think she was pissed because she thought she was hiding everything and/or that I would never have the balls…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 12:23 AM
1

What do you consider to be porn addiction? There are ways to properly use it.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 04:07 AM
1

I hope you let it ride; the stock market has historically been a great investment.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/26 01:24 AM
8

I’m sorry this happened to you. But you don’t miss your wife, your marriage or your family. You miss the ideal version of your family. Not the actual one where she is cheating on you. You miss the ideal version of your wife. Not the actual person who is actually cheating on you. You miss the ideal version of marriage. Not the actual one where she is cheating on you. Google sunk cost fallacy.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 09:56 PM
3

Super young and dumb for my first marriage. Second one was much better until my then-wife had a mental breakdown from severe depression and chose to treat with drugs (not the good kind) and alcohol rather than prescription drugs and therapy. Not sure anything could have been done to prevent the second one.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 04:46 PM
9

Find an attorney - interview as many as it takes to find one you like - and listen to what they have to say. Your wife is likely to go scorched earth on you and try to take advantage of the feelings you have for her. Look up gray rock, JADE and DARVO. Consider a body cam or something to record whenever she is around. I never answered phone calls from my ex-wife; always let calls go to voicemail. Then I would respond - a day or two later - with a text or email. Don't answer texts or emails from h…
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/26 12:48 AM
4

Because he can bill for it. They can bill for everything.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/26 04:59 AM
1

The better part of a decade. I don't have a burning desire to be in a relationship but if someone interesting (and I mean really interesting) comes along I will go on a date. Roughly once a year and usually a set up from a friend.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/26 03:18 AM
5

It made it more clear about what I want but harder to date if that makes sense. I actually have some mild PTSD from what I’ve been through and will get super anxious on dates because of it. It’s honestly embarrassing, but it has slowly been getting better. And yes – I’ve been to therapy for it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/26 01:46 AM
2

I’m sorry – I’m not understanding why she is not putting more time and effort into caring for the children? Or money to hire help? I understand that you love your children and are doing your best to care for them and clearly she does not.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/26 12:12 AM
2

Depends on what you mean by divorce raped. If you mean rob your wife of the money she is legally due then no - I cannot help you. My wife got 50% of the income and 50% of the debt. Just as she was owed. What I mean is that I took steps to prevent her from accessing my paycheck. The wake-up sign to me that we were in trouble was when I went to the grocery store and there wasn't enough money in the account to buy a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk. Because she was spending it all on drugs and al…
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/26 04:23 AM
6

I did several things: 1) Started interviewing lawyers. I asked my recently divorced colleagues how their lawyers were and who they recommended. One said "my lawyer was good hut my wife's lawyer was great. That's who you want." I interviewed them and they were great. 2) Started planning how to do the separation immediately after choosing my lawyer. Devised a plan for custody, getting her out of the house and financial issues (new bank account at separate bank, changed direct deposit to that accou…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 09:52 PM
3

For sure. Added bonus of driving STBXW absolutely crazy when she couldn't get a rise out of me.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 07:44 PM
9

A little heavy handed and overly dramatic. My own experience was different from what you portray so it doesn't have to be how you describe for everyone. Most important thing I recommend: I had 100% custody, paid no child support and almost no alimony (15% of my salary for one year; married for 10 and her salary was not even 20% what I made) My advice: 1) Get your ducks in a row; begin planning before you actually separate or serve papers 2) Gather all the evidence you can; I started keeping a jo…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 07:00 PM
4

I think we all felt some version of this. The future is not yet written.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 05:53 AM
4

Too long didn’t read the whole thing but disagree with the general premise. I found counseling to be immensely helpful. It helped me break some unhealthy communication patterns and how to handle stressful situations in a more appropriate manner. Now if you’re saying it won’t help someone who wants to divorce or it won’t help you change someone else I’d agree. But that’s not the point of therapy. Therapy is about the journey - not the destination. If you go into it having a specific destination i…
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/26 07:48 AM
16

Speak with a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row - mentally, emotionally and financially. I guarantee she has.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 12:41 AM
2

Your wife is stealing money from your father and you want to nope out of this relationship? She clearly is not interested in separating and doing you any favor; you should not be interested in doing her any. Honestly – I think you should be prepared to fight for everything you're due. Including maybe alimony from her. It sucks but I think you're going to need to go to court as she is not cooperating.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 07:29 PM
4

And it was stealing. OP should contact the police and report it. Make sure it's well documented in divorce court proceedings.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 07:28 PM
3

Downsized from California king to queen because the master bedroom at the new house was smaller than at the old house.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/26 04:21 PM
5

I’ve been where you are several times in my life. You can get through this. One breath at a time then one minute at a time then two minutes at a time, etc., and so forth. Look up gray rock and get ready to manifest it. If it helps at all the people who know you will know that she’s lying. It will only make her look bad. My ex tried this too, and everybody knew what the truth really was.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/26 08:04 AM
2

I didn’t get screwed over by mine but my ex- sure got screwed over by hers. In defense of her lawyer (a phrase I never thought I’d ever hear myself utter) she was a terrible client.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 05:43 AM
1

Don't date someone where you work. Source: me. Ask me how I know.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 03:57 AM
2

Agree. My kids are fantastic and I wouldn't have them without her.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 03:53 AM
4

Sell the house. Split the profits or the loss. If you need to fix it up first it seems like each of you would contribute 50% of the cost.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/26 09:51 PM
4

Is this really the type of marriage/relationship you want to model for your daughter?
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 06:51 AM
18

I did this once and regretted it from the moment we sat down for dinner. It ended with her making an insulting comment on my tipping. Never again.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/26 07:39 PM
4

Just take your son and go - “Hey hon; taking the kiddo out for a ride” “Hey hon; taking the kiddo with me to the mall / grocery store / post office” Then go yo your mom’s after.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/26 02:35 AM
1

The safety and welfare my children is a big part of what prompted me to say I'm done. I couldn't continue to put them through the chaos that was our relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/25 04:10 PM
2

When I said it to my wife it meant I was done putting up with her out-of-control mental health / substance abuse issues.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/25 05:22 AM
6

We all do the same stupid deeply private stuff. Anyone who hears someone talk about it knows exactly what their motivation is and why they’re talking about it. Honestly, it just makes the person doing the talking look bad. If she would say stuff and you would get asked, my response would just be something about “huh; that’s not the way I remember it. How strange. Why do you think she’s saying these things?” or you could just stop at “huh”.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/25 07:11 PM
12

Sounds like she was feeling lonely and sad this holiday season. Mine used to do stuff like that when she either was lonely or short of money. It was always quite predictable sadly. Stay strong. It gets easier to ignore these or recover from them with time.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/25 05:54 AM
1

Uncontrolled (by her choice) mental health / substance abuse issues. She'd drive high / drunk with the kids in the car. She had a psychiatrist and therapist but she would just lie to them about how / what she was doing. Refused to get help.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/25 05:29 PM
16

I would’t piss on mine if she were on fire.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/25 02:27 AM
1

This is very true. It also doesn't matter what their chances are about getting something if they really don't want it. Maybe it's 20% from one person or 60% from someone else. But from their standpoint they get it or they don't. So if they don't want it then they need to take precautions all the time.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 04:42 PM
5

Anyone can carry disease especially the nasty kind. I'd use the same precautions / protection with ANYONE you have sex with unless or until you know they are "clean". And even then there may be no guarantee.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/25 03:08 PM
3

This! I didn't have years but I did have months to plan and it was so helpful before, during and after the divorce. I paid paltry alimony and no child support directly to her (she would drink or snort it; I paid for things directly to the service / school / store) and it was from a good attorney who helped with the planning.
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/25 03:09 PM
1

Oh. Missed that part.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/25 04:33 AM
2

The other way to think about is that you want to be truthful and completely honest all the way through this prices. If you start being selective in your honesty it will make the judge trust you less and give her lawyer openings.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/25 04:07 AM
2

Telling the honest truth - especially about DV / substance abuse - is nor “narcing”.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/25 12:46 AM
9

Yes. Absolutely
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/25 01:57 AM
1

Nothing to,apologize for. Honestly if I were you I’d keep telling your wife no about paying her mom. It would seem self-evident that a reasonable fourteen year old does not need childcare. As an aside my mother (and dad) happily cared for my children for almost an entire school year because of covid. I work in healthcare and had to be in the hospital doing direct patient care so significant risk of exposure. My parents did not charge me anything. If you can’t agree and your wife wants to force t…
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/25 03:58 AM
1

Your ex-wife believes or the divorce agreement states that you pay for child card until they are 18? If the former than “No” is a complete sentence. If the latter than off to court you go. I’m sure the IRS would be interested in unclaimed wages / income. Just sayin’
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/25 02:40 AM
4

As long as you keep the inheritance separate she’s not entitled to any of it. I’ve never heard of the court forcing one ex-spouse to pay for life insurance to the benefit of the other ex spouse but a quick web search suggests it may be something that happens. Playing devils advocate though - if something words happen to you wouldn’t you want your children to be provided for? For sure your children would be eligible, if under 18, for some of your Social Security benefits, if you would die. Person…
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/25 07:27 AM
10

"If you seek revenge you should dig two graves." The bar for defamation is difficult to get over and you need to be able to prove actual damages. It absolutely feels good to talk about something like this - believe me I know - but it takes a lot of time, money and energy to win a suit like this. All of those things might be better spent doing other things. This sort of action can be corrosive in all kinds of ways. My advice is to think long and hard before embarking on this; maybe talk to a lawy…
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/25 04:52 AM
4

Also want to add that I am a Nice Guy. A Kind Guy. Everyone who knows me says so. One can still be a Nice Guy and have strong boundaries. Being a Nice Guy does not make one a Wimpy Guy, a Pushover or a Pussy. Something my wife found out much to her chagrin. I know she thought she'd walk all over me. The fact that she couldn't / didn't was the thing that most pissed her off. Despite being a Nice Guy I had very firm boundaries throughout the entire process and refused to let her push them. It actu…
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/25 07:37 PM
11

You're making this way harder than you need to. Even your Strategic Robotic Response is too much. Here's what I did: Ex's Text: "I need the payment by Tuesday, and honestly, you're the reason I'm struggling so much. You never cared about my finances." The Strategic (Robotic) Response: "The payment for the agreed-upon amount will be transferred by 9 AM Tuesday, as stipulated in the temporary order." (—> Evidence of Compliance and Stability) My answer: "..." or a thumbs up emoji. At most "Ok". Any…
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/25 06:48 PM
3

“At the same time, women should not be given a cultural pass for emotional avoidance, lack of communication, or for relying on narratives that excuse their behavior while placing the blame entirely on men.” Why not? Men have been getting a pass on this for as long as I can remember. This describes my father to a T. I have tried very hard to learn from him and not repeat those mistakes as a husband but I’m sure my ex-wife would tell you I did not. It think the issues you raise exist in both gende…
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/25 07:53 PM
1

I don't find this surprising at all; when I am suffering I work more too. It gives me something to do. All of this will get easier for time and you'll enjoy the extra money.
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/25 05:38 PM
3

I grabbed the kids and ran for much the same reason (concerned for safety). Returned after the wife was served and my lawyer got her out of the house.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/25 11:19 PM
6

You don’t say how old you or your son are. My kids were 5 to 8 when we split. Here’s what I told them: Your mom and I love you all very much. We love each other too [not true but a little white lie to make it more palatable] but sometimes people who love each other cannot live together. It does not mean you don’t love you and won’t always be here for you; we will always be tour mom and dad. We will always love you and we will always be here for you. But we will do it from different homes. Repeat…
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/25 03:43 AM
1

File for divorce and serve her divorce papers. That'll solve your problem.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 10:58 PM
2

I'm sure it means something that you did not mention any of her good qualities in your post but only the bad ones. But I'm not a psychologist so do what you will with that. I thought the same about the money - I am a "high earner"; my salary is a bit more than yours. My then-wife did not work and her "imputed income" would have been 25% of mine at best. [I did not have the $2.5 million IPO windfall though] I am so much happier now and the money issue is nothing more than a blip in the rearview m…
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 10:32 PM
5

Yes. Yes it is. Source: me.
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 10:19 PM
2

I get inertia but I still don't understand. You didn't have a single nice thing to say about her. You've only been married for ten years. (Which I guess maybe is the only nice thing about the relationship??? Maybe you are worried about being alone?) You should only have to pay five years or so years of alimony and then be done. If you don't separate she's going to spend you into the poor house. I separated after almost the same amount of time. One of the first warning signs that something was se…
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 10:19 PM
3

I don't understand why you don't want to leave. She's not going to change - you have done very reasonable and helpful things to help her - and you are unhappy with the status quo. Unless you want another forty years of this I'd move on...
/r/Divorce_Men20/11/25 09:44 PM
6

What’s wrong with Kirkland parchment paper? (Asking the hard questions here) I don’t do much baking and I always purchase the cheapest box I can find.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/25 10:53 PM
2

I think, unfortunately, everything is ruined. I’m not sure you ruined it - he’s a grown man with his own agency and ability to say yes or no - but it does sound like he’s not interested in working it out. Sorry this happened to you but better it happen now then ten years and a marriage down the road.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/25 04:45 AM
3

I dated while I was getting my divorce, but she pursued me. It was an acquaintance that knew what I was going through. I think she was looking for another baby daddy which I was definitely not interested in being. The relationship lasted just a few months and was definitely a boost to my ego, but I knew it would never last nor did I want it to.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/25 07:18 AM
3

You are modeling what marriage / being a husband looks like for your kids - Iis this the kind of example you want to be? Do you want them to grow up and have the same kind of relationship / marriage? Do better - grow some fucking balls and end it.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/25 02:33 AM
7

I was told by my lawyer not to post anything on social media about the divorce or our relationship or my ex-wife until the divorce was finalized.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/25 06:33 AM
4

Thanks for taking my comment the right way; I forgot to add /s after my first sentence. I was continually amazed by the bad decisions my then stbxw made and how they got worse and worse. In retrospect it was likely from all the drugs and her idiot friends whispering stupid ideas in her ear. Her lawyer fired her as a client the day after the divorce was finalized. I still get a Christmas card from my lawyer's firm. Good luck to you. We are always here as a reality check to all the crazy shit she'…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/25 02:14 AM
5

Has anyone here had to deal with unreasonable ex- or soon-to-be-ex-wife?!? Yes we have. We had to go to mediation – in my state it was court mandated as part of the process – and my stbxw was completely unreasonable at the mediation. (and to be fairly she was consistent; she was completely unreasonable through the entire process) She refused to consider anything we put forward and kept offering ridiculous suggestions. It was a complete and utter waste of everyone's time; even the mediator said s…
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/25 10:01 PM
3

Get yourself to a lawyer. The initial consultation is usually free. In a situation like this depending on where you live your wife may be compelled by the court to pay for your attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 05:23 AM
8

What answer could she give you that you would hear and say "oh yeah - that makes sense."? If she said you were an asshole because of your pain, not handling it well, couldn't do the things she wanted and you were WAY too needy would that make you fell better? I struggled for years looking for a reason why my wife would blow up our marriage - with the kids, a beautiful home and living in a fantastic part of the country with all the things that we love doing just so she could do drugs and have sex…
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 01:22 AM
3

Respect yourself enough to show your son that a real marriage is nothing like yours and file for divorce. Is this really the relationship you want to model for him? To show him how men are to be treated in a marriage? If so by all means stay married. However if you'd like to show him that marriage is a loving relationship between two people who respect each other you need to find someone with which to have that relationship. I honestly would've taken her up On when she suggested it the first wee…
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 01:11 AM
7

I thought the same thing. The next two women were each better than the one before them. Have at it.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/25 07:17 AM
6

I understand why you are upset but I think this is not an argument you are going to win. I'd encourage you to have your own discussions with the kids about religion or lack there of. I have a faith that I believe in but I am always up for a new religious experience. I have been to Buddhist services, orthodox Greek, orthodox Catholicism (in Latin!), modern independent evangelical, Muslim, Jewish, Unitarian Universalist, and I have enjoyed parts of them all. I don't believe in them but I am endles…
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 10:10 PM
4

No - I’m too dumb. She tried for years to try to get me to understand why it was all my fault she drank and used drugs. How my encouraging, supporting and paying for counselors, psychiatrists and one hospitalization was actually harmful and the reason she used.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 05:58 AM
3

The post was about how bad a chaotic ex can make the situation. The poster was female. I agreed and then cited my ex-wife who had mental health / substance use issues and was wildly out of control. It caused a lot of chaos and upheaval - both before and after the divorce. The chaos / her decompensation was the reason for the divorce; she would drive and care for the children while high / intoxicated. She never did end up getting it under control and left suddenly one day a number of years ago. W…
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 05:23 AM
3

Just responded to my first post. Curious to see what the response will be.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 04:11 AM
5

Never checked it out. But I'm heading there now to defend us.
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/25 02:23 AM
4

Do have some reason to think she is cheating??? I've been using email since it was a thing and I had no idea what you are talking about. Auto-deleting email is not a thing I've heard about; far easier to set a rule to move it to the trash or another folder.
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/25 07:08 AM
1

Oof. That smarts.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/25 06:02 AM
2

Sorry this is happening to you. Have you spoken with JAG? Can they not provide some guidance?
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/25 03:08 AM
2

Yes - you can buy what you want and date who you want.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/25 03:37 PM
2

Mine did.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/25 05:36 AM
2

The kids are in their teens? They are YOUR kids at this point. Even if you are not the bio dad.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/25 02:04 AM
5

OP needs to make sure she pays her half of the lease or any costs for breaking it if her name is on it. Otherwise agree dodged a massive bullet and no contact.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/25 02:54 PM
6

No and no.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/25 05:07 AM
4

I mean probably but how does that information help you? What are you going to do with it to become a better person?
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/25 10:07 PM
2

Came to say this about the deed. OP I agree with everyone who says to make a clean break (google “partition sale horror stories”) but absolutely do NOT take your name off the deed while keeping the mortgage. If, for some reason, you have to let her live in the house then delay finalizing the divorce until she can refinance or you’ve waited long enough. Once the divorce is finalized you will have lost your leverage and if she doesn’t agree to refinance you’ll have to force a partition sale which …
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/25 04:50 PM
3

The challenge may be what makes a divorce layer good for me may not make them good for you.
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/25 03:57 AM
3

First Thanksgiving, where I was on my own I had a turkey sandwich with potato chips and a glass of cranberry juice. Watched a bunch of football and drank a bunch of beer.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/25 05:05 AM
1

What do you want to do?
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/25 11:04 PM
16

So we should stay and teach our child(ren) it's okay to be treated that way? To have a partner who doesn't value us or the family? Who cheats and lies? Who physically and emotionally abuses us? Knowingly puts herself and the kids at risk? Seems like a crappy reason to stay...
/r/Divorce_Men28/09/25 12:23 AM
6

Five years of interactions similar to what you went through. Document EVERYTHING. Especially because she is making stuff up. I kept a journal of where I was and what I did during the day. Used a separate app to track my phone throughout the day so I could show where it (and therefore me) was. Never answered the phone when she called. Never called her. Ever. Only answered a text if it was a reasonable question about the kids. And never immediately. Minimal delay for non-emergent issues was twelve…
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/25 06:24 PM
6

That's how it worked in my divorce. I'm in the USA. If your friend is getting screwed he needs a better lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/25 11:42 PM
3

Fought for full custody and moved to a state where I had established roots. I demonstrated I was the more stable parent (she was in the grips of mental health / substance abuse struggle). I documented everything she did. Every interaction. Every phone call, text and email. All her crazy behavior. Your lawyer can best answer your question as they know the specifics of the case and the local court / judge but likely an uphill battle for you unless those roots are more established than where you cu…
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/25 10:13 PM
3

All I can say is, I felt such a huge weight lift off my shoulders when I actually filed for the divorce. Years later I am so happy that I did it and upset with myself for not doing it sooner. Noe regrets.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/25 05:19 AM
10

That’s a beautiful letter. No notes! Print it out, put it in a an envelope, address it to her and then burn it. Do not send it. No good will come to you from sending it. I seriously doubt you will get whatever response you are hoping for. I waited for years to hear some kind of answer or explanation for my ex-wife’s actions. Never got it. Eventually, with the help of a skilled therapist, realized I was never going to get what I wanted from her and I was holding myself in place, not moving forwar…
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/25 11:12 PM
5

Go find a good lawyer and do whatever they tell you to do. Personally, I could never cohabitate with somebody like this. Holding off on separating because of the kids does not do anyone any favors.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/25 05:42 AM
1

This is a question best asked of your Lawyer. But a fight definitely worth having.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/25 09:11 PM
1

Yes. For sure. She’ll go even crazier the first time OP stands up to her.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/25 04:19 PM
3

You can't add yourself to her account. Get your own account somewhere and make sure your paycheck gets deposited into your account. If you have any way (i.e. a debit card) to start accessing the money in the account then do so. Get a lawyer and get a body camera. Document and record EVERYTHING. Learn about grey rocking. Do not get into arguments with her. ETA: you can't add yourself to her savings account. Withdraw 50% of the money from any liquid account (checking or savings; not a retirement a…
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/25 04:47 AM
9

Not me! I wish I’d done it sooner.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/25 09:45 AM
2

Save this documentation. In no way should she be involving your son like this.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/25 12:25 AM
3

The app I used was called Day One. There are many out there; much more than when I used it years ago. Now there is a free native (Apple iPhone) journaling app cleverly called “Journal”.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/25 12:01 AM
3

You likely can't unless you are ready to go to court and try for full custody. But you'll need evidence. Lots and lots of evidence if she wants to fight you. Document EVERYTHING. I used a journaling app on my phone that allowed me to save screenshots, pictures, video recordings, voice recordings, documents, etc. Every time I saw STBXW I documented what I thought about how she was. Sometimes in retrospect the pieces fit together. Seeming off and then a few days later a positive drug test. Before …
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/25 10:49 PM
1

My ex-wife would say the day thing about me. Life is messy. We can help each other out without ad hominem attacks on all of womankind. As OP's post demonstrates they are not all bad.
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/25 11:14 PM
2

Technically I did. I pledged to stay with her "until death us do part" but I didn't want that death to be one of the kids and I didn't want to have kill her. I'm not arguing I didn't have a good reason for leaving. But the kind of broad brushstroke black-or-white statement above is not helpful to a meaningful discussion or anyone's mental health. Women initiate the majority - 70% - of divorces. The stats I found suggest that of that 70% roughly 30% are due to physical violence and 20% are due to…
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/25 11:12 PM
5

I left my wife. Granted she was out of control and endangering the kids (mental health and substance abuse; driving under the influence among other things). But I still left her. So men do leave women.
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/25 08:55 PM
2

I had several retirement accounts coming into the marriage and one that started when got married. When we separated I had to give her 1/2 the increase in each one during the marriage. So if account A increased by $50k during the marriage I had to give her $25k.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/25 03:54 AM
3

There's someone out there for everyone - even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them. -- Harris, L.A. Story
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/25 02:34 AM
2

Dropped it in the deepest body of water I could find.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/25 11:18 PM
7

I will present my case to give you a little bit of hope. I was able to get the wife out of the house and, in addition, to pay the laughably small amount of spousal support. I did not have to pay any child support (I’m still not sure how my lawyer was able to pull that off; as far as I know it’s not negotiable). She had to drug test twice a week every week and any positive tests sent her back to supervised visitation only and no overnights for a month. Continued that way for five years after the …
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/25 11:09 PM
8

Dude get a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/25 09:35 PM
4

Document everything. I used a journaling app that allowed me to capture pictures, video, pdf’s, etc. you never know what will be important down the road. Learn to “gray rock” and practice it often - never let her get to you, regardless of what she says or does. “No” is a complete sentence. In general, the less you say the better off you are. Never speak bad about your spouse to your kids; leave them out of this. Try and keep all communication in some kind of media that you can easily capture (se…
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/25 04:09 AM
3

I go for a walk around the block. Sometimes I end up at the local ice cream stand or wine bar or taco truck just to be around people. After my walk I watch a good movie or TV show episode I’ve downloaded. Or I call my sister and bug her for a little bit. Makes both of us feel better. Or I call my best friend.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/25 07:29 PM
3

Have you tried anything to try and bring the two of you closer together? Or is she just not interested?
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/25 05:00 AM
4

In my state you could call 911 and state she is mentally unwell and you are concerned for her / others safety and the police would come assess and then likely transport to the ER for a psychiatric evaluation.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/25 09:32 PM
9

Have her see a doctor. She needs a medical evaluation for why she has gone bonkers. Could be a brain tumor or could be mental health issues. Both are treatable.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/25 06:18 AM
4

Is there something happening in the marriage that specifically makes you worried you two are going to divorce? Or just worried in general?
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/25 02:48 PM
3

Ah - I see you’ve met my ex-wife. I/we went through almost the same thing. I found a divorce lawyer ASAP and we filed for emergency temporary custody with sole possession of the home - both of which were granted. Wife went downhill from there; just kept digging every time she hit what I thought was rock bottom. Make sure you document everything meticulously. Should be an open-and-shut case for you getting sole custody.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/25 06:43 PM
10

I suspect you are going to get 0% custody especially if your STBXW has anywhere near a competent lawyer. This was potentially very very bad.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/25 04:17 PM
3

It’s totally fine to shed tears over something like this. Have things with you for the plane ride home - favorite snacks, favorite movie / tv show, favorite book, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/25 11:32 PM
2

My ex-wife used to take the kids on vacation to Canada occasionally. Every single time, without fail, the Canadian border control would call me to ask if I knew she was taking the kids to Canada. While I occasionally had dreams of answering that question in a way that would get her a full body cavity search I always said yes I did. Because she had always told me she was taking them to Canada. Why she never asked for a notarized letter ahead of time I have no idea. Obviously, this is just my anec…
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/25 06:43 PM
3

We never did shared birthdays. My wife hated me once I filed and it would have been super awkward.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/25 03:37 AM
3

I was very indifferent to anything she did. I essentially continued to grey rock her.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/25 03:19 AM
6

I’d strongly suggest getting a second opinion from another lawyer; none of this sounds right.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 06:22 PM
1

You're never going to get the answers you want; there's never a good enough reason why people do stuff like this. Never. I strongly suggest therapy for you as it sounds like you are understandably having trouble processing all of this. If you don't have a lawyer and aren't moving the divorce along you need to do so ASAP. Your wife is likely telling the kids bad things about you; my friend's wife did this and, while it took years, he was eventually able to get friendly with the kids. He did this …
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 12:29 AM
5

She needs to refinance the house. Your lawyer may think she won't default now but circumstances change and, more than that, you do not seem to want to be enbroiled with her. This process does not need to be adversarial; she just needs to do it. If she wants to assume the mortgage she can save for a few months and then pay the $14K or whatever her share would be. (if she wants to keep the house I'd make her pay for it) If the house has significantly increased in value, which it sounds like it has…
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/25 12:08 AM
2

Threw it into the middle of a large quarry filled with water.
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/25 06:31 AM
0

What kind of account? Also - don’t do it especially if your wife knows about the account. Judges hate it and if she / he finds out it’s big trouble.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/25 04:45 AM
2

Do the kids have cell phones? How old are they?
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/25 02:31 AM
3

Dropped mine in the deepest body of water I could find.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 05:35 AM
3

I do a lot of volunteering.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 05:33 AM
3

Four or more is a hopeless romantic
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/25 05:05 AM
2

Married nine years. Paid one year of alimony (roughly fifteen percent of salary) and no child support. My outcome,to be fair, is very atypical. Now ex-wife was a terrible client and had a middling lawyer at best. I still don’t know how I didn’t have to pay any child support.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/25 12:25 AM
1

My sx's lawyer gave off the same vibes - both about the mediation demands and the payment. My lawyer at one point said hers was very frustrated with her. You sound like you're in a pretty good headspace - keep up the good work and this group is here if you need anything.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 12:47 PM
2

I hear you. We went to mediation and my now ex-wife’s demands were nuts. Like I can’t believe her lawyer conveyed them. At the time of mediation I had sole custody of the kids because she had yet another recently positive urine test. We made a very reasonable (for her; I gritted my teeth when we presented it) offer and not only did she refuse it her counter demands were bonkers - years of alimony (and crazy amounts), she wanted majority custody, moving with kid close to her (batshit crazy) mom. …
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/25 04:23 AM
1

I think you forgot the /s there… But I totally agree. I was the coldly analytical one (which the ex- admitted and which drove her crazy (admittedly a short putt rather than a long drive); she was the hot fiery one) yet after we divorced my logic meant nothing to her. She did crap like OP’s ex- again and again and it worked out the same. Except that my kids has friends on the travel team so my parents and I had to drive them all over hell and beyond when ex- “couldnt”. I was soo happy when they d…
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/25 07:56 PM
4

Not saying that at all; to have a meaningful discussion with him it's helpful to have all the information. Do you think he called to order a pizza and she broke up with him over that phone call? I mean it's possible and it would add helpful context to the discussion.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/25 06:46 PM
1

I’ve heard stories where the coparents (if they get along) rotate between the house (which the kids stay in) and an apartment or apartments.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/25 05:44 PM
6

What was the phone call about? I feel like that’s a pretty crucial piece of information. If you were calling to solicit prostitutes? Bragging to your mates about the woman you met at the bar? Speaking with a banker about all your overdue loans? Your dad about moving in with you? Seems odd she’d get this worked up over a phone call alone.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/25 05:36 PM
5

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Mine put me through hell with mental health and substance-abuse issues. She sort of apologized at the end, calling us friends right before she left (we haven’t seen or heard from her in over five years now).
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/25 06:47 AM
1

OP didn't say what state they are in but lots of states have child support calculators that you just plug the numbers (custody split, parents' incomes, etc) into it and it tells you what the support is. Your lawayers should be able to ask for an economic or employment assessment to determine what she should be making if she was working. Being ten hours away is going to make all of this hard for OP. Very hard.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/25 06:15 PM
2

If you purchased and completely paid off the house before you got married then I don't believe she would owe you anything as she has not contributed any money to the house. Theoretically she would be entitled to 1/2 the increase of any assets - retirement funds, investment funds, etc. But she's also responsible for half the debts at there are only.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/25 06:35 AM
1

*All communal assets acquired during the marriage or the increase in value thereof* will be split 50/50. Agree no spousal support will be due to either one. Child support to be determined by the court.
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/25 09:23 PM
1

I don't think it's very common; I've never heard of any one else with a custody agreement like the one I had. But it never hurts to ask your lawyer. [My ex-wife had zero leverage to negotiate; she was actively using illegal substances and had only three hours / week of supervised visitation when the divorce was finalized. She took what we (my lawyer and I) offered.]
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 06:23 PM
1

I have. My wife destroyed our marriage over drugs, alcohol and mental health issues. When it was over and done, I mostly had a huge sense of relief. I had very little anger before, during and after; mostly I was numb and then the sense of relief.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 02:08 AM
1

At one point in my career I worked irregular shifts - days, evenings and nights. I had primary custody. Our custody agreement was written such that she got her days/nights with the kids when I was working night shifts.
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/25 01:48 AM
2

Always best to talk to a lawyer to get specifics but in general for a prenup to stand up to legal challenge it needs to 1) be reasonable 2) be reviewed by both your attorney and her attorney and 3) not signed under threats or duress.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/25 08:54 AM
2

Very very very unlikely she is allowed to move with him. Still best to speak with a lawyer to be sure.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/25 07:35 AM
2

This guy divorces! Agree with everything you said.
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/25 06:36 AM
3

Please get therapy to help you deal with this. There may be low cost options like local clergy or a training program. Online therapists are usually less than in-person and may be an options as well. I'm sorry this happened to you but it's over and you need to accept that fact and move on; you will never get what you want from her. I don't believe in closure or at least in getting it from someone else. If you need it write down anything and everything you'd say to your ex-wife and then have a cer…
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/25 06:22 AM
3

First check your divorce agreement and see if it has any specific language about relocating. Most of them forbid relocating outside of number of miles unless both parents agree. The courts in general value stability for the child so there needs to be a very compelling reason to allow the move. You don't mention how old your child is but the older the child the more they get in a potential change in custody arrangements. It would seem unlikely the court would allow your wife to do this based on t…
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/25 06:18 AM
10

Why are you not filing? Have you spoken with a lawyer? If not I strongly recommend you do so and file ASAP.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/25 08:47 PM
1

To be fair to the judge (who was very fair and reasonable to me throughout the whole process), nothing had happened to the children, but there was obviously serious potential for badness. As things continued to get worse, over the months prior to actually filing, I was constantly judging potential bad things happening to the kids with gathering more information to solidify my case and make sure she wouldn’t get any significant amount of custody. Also wanted to make sure I had enough evidence to …
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/25 07:46 PM
1

Yes! And not just a little evidence - tons of it! Enough to bury them under it!
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/25 07:32 PM
3

$3k a month? The nurses I know make close to $3k a week. Is there another nursing job you can get? You’ll likely get hammered without a layer. Sorry this is happening to you.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 11:39 PM
8

Mine too. I think the thing she was most angry about was that I knew what was going on and quietly took action that she had no idea about. She truly thought she was fooling me. Before we had our first court hearing she was like "I'm going to bury you! You'll never get custody! I have this Mother's Day card that says I'm a great mom." Heck her father even called me and said let's work this out before you get hammered in court. She got buried in evidence, lost custody (supervised visitation only) …
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 12:24 AM
9

What you are talking about is called “gray rocking” which is to be calm in the moment and not give your ex- the reaction that they’re looking for. It is always a good idea in a divorce proceeding to document everything. I’ve said this before in prior posts but I used a journal app on my phone to track everything. This app allows me to include things like pictures, videos, and recordings in addition to what I write down. I gathered information for months as my ex spiraled with her drug use and me…
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/25 09:39 PM
2

Knowing the courts / government I doubt they are going to move faster than what you have set up. I personally wouldn't change anything.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/25 05:02 AM
3

My dude - things WILL get better. All of this can potentially be fixed. Get a plumber in ASAP to get the water leak sorted out. It’ll be fine.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/25 05:54 AM
1

Iceland. New Zealand. Australia. Japan. [remember it is summer in Iceland and winter in New Zealand and Australia] I hear Guam is nice. French Polynesia as well.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/25 04:57 AM
5

That's not the way custody works. My ex-wife told me the same thing. Since she was using drugs and alcohol while driving out kids in the car I thought it'd be a slam dunk for ME to relocate with the kids closer to my family. Neither one of us was right. My lawyer told me neither one of us would be able to move the kids without the other's consent. For kids the law favors stability. As in "the kids have been here for X years where they have friends and a school". You have a much better case for k…
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/25 10:30 PM
3

I have been on the other side of this - I decided to divorce my now ex-wife because she was unwilling to address her ongoing substance use - and I insisted on supervised random drug screens twice a week ((i.e. done through a program; not at home) before even considering allowing unsupervised custody. I believe our agreement stipulated she had to be clean for a month before she'd get one unsupervised visit a week. Then if she remained clean two visits a week and then three visits a week. Each rel…
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/25 09:44 PM
2

If you've not been to Al-anon you should give it a try. I found to be extremely helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/25 05:19 AM
6

The kids and I moved halfway across country to start a new life.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 05:00 AM
4

Also if OP commits suicide he’ll NEVER see them again. I didn’t see my parents much in my 20’s but in my 30’s we started vacationing together and now I see them all the time.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 05:13 AM
1

I did it to ensure my wife never got 50/50 so I always had primary custody. She struggled with mental health and substance abuse issues (the reason for the split) and was never able to be clean and sober for more than couple of months. Except for the three months or so she was in jail. I never paid child support and only a tiny amount pf alimony so it wasn’t about money. It was about the ability to make decisions for the kid. Maybe that’s why your wife does it.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 04:43 AM
12

“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.” - Charles R. Swindoll Or as my own sweet mom would say"Ok - fine - it happened and it sucks. But you have to deal with it so what are you going to do?" You have to deal with life my friend. Find something with meaning and build from there. Find something that brings you happiness and go from there. Do not dwell on the past - especially the white-washed rose-colored glasses "perfect but not really" past - it is gone and it isn't comin…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 04:31 PM
6

I’ve been through this. It will keep happening. Find a divorce lawyer and file. When she says she will quit for good ignore her. My ex-wife sure didn’t - she lasted about three weeks until the first positive urine test (having clean testing was a mandatory (court-ordered) condition for her to be able to see the kids). I’m sorry this is happening to you.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 10:40 PM
0

Unclear why you are not speaking up; they don’t seem to have any problem doing so. There is a way that you can be honest about what is happening without being overly dramatic about it or accusatory. I usually just lay out the barest facts of my divorce / custody battle in the blandest of tones and people are saying “holy shit”. The truth, like yours, is so much darker. Just be honest about what happened; don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself. Don’t let her walk all over you any more.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 04:00 AM
2

It’s because they are fundamentally different and think we are all weird for wanting to be alone. My ex-wife was an extrovert as is my mom. My ex-wife would get on a cross-country plane flight with nothing - no book, no magazine, no work - nothing. I remember asking her what she was going to do for four hours and she said “talk to you!”… I still shudder remembering it. If I wasn’t going with her she’d just talk to the person next to her. She was one of THOSE people… Me? I don’t get on a plane wi…
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 03:03 AM
5

Yes - that’s tough. I’m sorry you don’t get the support you need. I am lucky that my occupation - which was much the same way fifty years ago (healthcare-related field) - has changed significantly over the decades and is way more family / kid friendly now. Also lucky that my boss and fellow workers at the time were extremely supportive (way ahead of the times even) and, when changes needed to be made to my schedule because of the family crisis (when the need to divorce escalated rapidly) they al…
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 02:49 AM
2

What is your solution? Or are you just venting? (Which is a fair thing to do; I'm not criticizing venting) I think my point is that as things started going sideways in the marriage (which they did slowly over years despite my best efforts) I identified a need (social connections) and nurtured them. I hung out with the dads (and kids) without the moms being around too. We organized our own daddy / kid events like camping and fishing.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/25 12:29 AM
11

When I was married I went out of my way to have relationships with the husbands of my wife’s friends. Some of them were not the usual type of person I’d choose to pal around with but we’d find something to do and I honestly grew to like most of them (which taught me that I needed widen my scope of friends). When we split up, as expected, my ex-wife’s friends stuck with her. But I was able to leverage the friendships with the dads to get playdates for the kids and, as my wife’s craziness unveiled…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 07:31 PM
3

I’m with you brother. It wouldn’t work for me at all. I am an introvert and I need my alone time to recharge.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 06:46 PM
9

Had a friend in a situation like this. Took a long time (well into their 20’s) for the kids to come around and realize their mom was the crazy one.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 03:25 PM
2

I’d break up with someone if they acted like she is; it sounds EXHAUSTING.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/25 07:06 AM
6

No - because I got my kids out of it. I have full custody; we haven’t seen or heard from their mom in years. Do I wish it had gone differently? Sure. But then we’d all be in a much different place. I think part of the reason my kids are doing so well is all the therapy they’ve been through and all the discussions we’ve had as a result of what their mom went through (mental health and substance abuse). We have an incredibly strong bond that I don’t think we would have otherwise.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/25 04:21 AM
1

Even perfect wouldn't be good enough. So no point trying for perfect. If I was happy with it it was good enough.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 11:56 PM
5

My best was never good enough for my ex. I finally realized it wasn’t a problem on my end; it was a problem on her end. There was nothing I was ever going to do that would make her happy or reasonable or cooperative so I stopped changing what I was doing to try and make her feel better.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 07:38 PM
11

Selection bias. No divorced male is going to come here and say "Since the divorce I've let myself slide - gained weight and the house is a mess. I let my kids do whatever they want and never discipline them; they cuss and yell at me. Don't want to spend time with me. Meanwhile my life has lost 100 pounds and looks like [insert actor / super model / singer]; she's dating hot looking guys, driving a [luxury car] and living her best life." If you want to see those posts you probably need to go to r…
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/25 05:06 PM
5

That’s like saying you don’t want to be a failure by not going down with the Titanic. One person cannot save a bad marriage especially when the other seems intent on burning it to the ground.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/25 06:01 AM
9

Document EVERYTHING. I used to use a journaling app to keep track of every single interaction that we had. I was able to upload photos video and audio to it which I did all the time. Even the smallest little thing went in there because overtime built a picture of what was going on. My ex-wife had drug and alcohol issues. Sometimes erratic behavior could then be tied to a positive drug test. When I took the information I printed out from the journaling app to court the judge literally said “well …
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 05:21 AM
3

If he bought it prior to marriage she has no claim on the house itself. She will likely to be entitled to half the increase in value of the house during the marriage depending on how their finances were organized. If he can afford the house on his own there is no need for him to sell it.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 07:16 PM
2

It might technically be adultery but that usually doesn’t matter. Don’t assume the debt unless it’s zeroing out some financial obligation you owe her. Stop putting money in a bank account she can access; get a new account at a new bank if needed. Document EVERYTHING. Especially what she’s done with the money. Make sure to have statements showing withdrawals. If you can file before she does you really should.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/25 06:31 PM
6

It was mostly fear of failure that kept me around for so long. Also a little fear of the unknown. But I will tell you that after filing I felt immediately better and it has only gotten better. It’s been quite a few years now and I have never had any regrets.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/25 05:32 AM
2

Yes. You don't mention how long you've been married but in general you get alimony for half the time you've been married. Hopefully that will get you through the program you are in.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/25 02:32 AM
7

Living well is the best revenge. Do your best to ignore them; they likely enjoy the attention.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/25 08:25 AM
2

Well … in my case my then STBXW was in an out-of-control mental health / substance use crisis so she was barred from seeing the kids except for a couple of hours of supervised visitation a week. I had been providing the majority of the care for the kids except when I was working and documented that for months leading up to the separation.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/25 09:16 PM
1

Also the longer this drives out the longer he pays alimony. By waiting almost two years he’s likely added at least a year to the amount of time he has to pay.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/25 01:37 AM
3

Yes. After we separated, but before our final judgment was filed, we had an temporary custody agreement.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/25 02:47 PM
6

Wife moved out. A few months later I started having sex in the old marital bed. Cleared the bad juju right out of it.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/25 04:07 AM
1

Being prepared and moving things into position to help you out is always a good idea. When I first contacted my attorney it took a couple of months to get things set up to keep the kids and I safe when I filed. Luckily my job was very flexible and understanding of what I needed and was able to modify my schedule / responsibilities. That two months made all the difference financially and legally.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/25 10:41 PM
5

This is a common thing unfortunately. The only strategy I know of to prevent it from happening is "make more money" which is easy to say and hard to do. Sorry this is happening to you. It sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/25 10:56 AM
1

Fifteen minutes doesn't sound so bad to me. My kids' high school was on the other end of the district from their elementary school and we live on the OTHER side of the elementary school. it's a fifteen minute drive for me to get to the high school. They have friends on the other side of the high school which are a 20-30 minute drive to get to depending on traffic. It's not that big a deal to me. All of us parents share in the driving.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/25 04:24 AM
1

I hear you. When I realized the "'til death do us part" was referring to my death or, even worse one of the kids' deaths I knew I had to do something.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/25 03:52 AM
7

You are doing the right thing. Stability is SO important for kids. Fight like hell for their best interests as clearly their mom is not.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/25 08:08 PM
2

You can break up with anyone at any time for any reason at all. Or even no reason. But these? These are good reasons. Break up with her before she drags you down out of your career.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/25 06:40 AM
2

He’ll feel even worse when he realizes he’ll have taught his son it’s okay for women - or even worse your wife - to treat you like this.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/25 01:52 AM
2

I used a journaling app. I took screenshots of texts and uploaded them to it. Made entries when things happened. Uploaded PDF’s of emails she sent. Etc etc. When I went to court I just exported it as a PDF and printed it out. The judge read through it - slowly and page-by-page - before saying “well it’s not abuse but it’s certainly neglect”. I did not use any special language; just my normal writing style. The app I used would sync to my Dropbox account after each entry and was encrypted (end-to…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/25 01:50 AM
1

I tried for years. It took me a year or so to figure out / realize something was wrong. Then I spent twoish years trying to fix things. Then a year getting divorced. I was in therapy alone because she refused to go - “it’s a ‘you’ problem; not an ‘us’ problem”. She was supposed to be in therapy but lied about going. She was seeing a psychiatrist but lying to them about what was happening with her (substance use / addiction). I was raised in a “marriage is for better and worse” kind of household.…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/25 01:44 AM
5

Let her fall on her face. If you don’t she will always fall on YOUR face. Seriously - stop enabling her behavior! My ex-wife that tried this shit with me: Her: “But I’m homeless and have no where to stay!!!” Me: “Huh. That’s rough. I’ll take care of the kid until you find a place. Let me know” [documents everything] Or: Her: “I have no money for food.” Me: “Huh. I’ll take care of the kid until you find a place. Let me know” [documents everything]” Repeat as needed. Read up on how to grey rock. R…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 04:55 PM
7

With proper medical care you’ll live well into your 80’s at least.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 04:51 AM
5

It takes two people to work on a marriage. If you're the only one working on salvaging it you're not going to be able to salvage it. It's up to you to decide what you'll put up with in a marriage; nobody should tell you (short of abuse) what you should tolerate. Especially if you didn't ask for advice. Having said that and having tried to salvage a marriage one-sidedly (and since you asked) I think it's unlikely you'll be successful and would recommend filing for divorce now.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 01:07 AM
6

Has she graduated from residency yet? If not you may be able to get some “future earnings” especially since you supported her through med school and, I assume, through residency. I wonder if she did all this to get her green card… [yes I’m cynical. Yes it makes my mom cry herself to sleep at might]
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/25 04:38 AM
1

Gray rocking people like this is the best way to go if for no other reason that it drives them absolutely crazy. My ex- thrived on drama and chaos; the icier and calmer I was the crazier she got. I made sure to document all this and it was very helpful in court. ETA: agree with doing a background check on the boyfriend. I did that when I could and it was helpful as well. I had access, through my lawyer, to a state database of criminal records. We used it to see what shenanigans she’d been up to …
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/25 09:02 PM
8

I'd suggest stopping by r/personalfinance if you want some help with the money issues. I mean this gently but it sounds like you've made some bad financial decisions (hence the IRS, expensive car note and expensive insurance) and they can help you make some better ones. If there is a food bank close to you that has non-perishable food that may help with meals. How much do you owe in alimony / child support? Where do you live? Any free legal services to help reopen support payments? The child sup…
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/25 12:25 PM
1

It gets better. Like everything in life you learn to deal with it over time. Just be there as much as you can for your child – physically and emotionally.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/25 04:58 AM
8

You can always talk with the divorce lawyer; usually the initial consultation is free. Unfortunately, the time to retain a lawyer was before you sign the agreement and not after. If indeed she used her personal attorney as the mediator that may give you a possible in to revisit the agreement. I suspect your options are quite limited, but again – speak with a divorce attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/25 05:31 AM
2

Ten months. Would have been a year if we’d gone to court but she tested positive for illegal drugs (i.e. not just marijuana / alcohol) so her attorney told her to settle or she’d get her ass kicked in court.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/25 04:07 AM
4

We (my lawyer and I) requested my wife’s medical records. Had to get a court order and a signed record release. Joke was on me; she’d stopped seeing her therapist years earlier. Of course the fact that she’d lied to her lawyer and the court about it didn’t do her any favors… So while we didn’t get any helpful records the fact that there were none to get was helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/25 04:32 AM
1

At one point my ex-wife lived a block away from us. I was very worried but she still almost never stopped by to see the kids. Then she got busted for repeat DUI and wound up going to jail for a few months. Hardly noticed a difference in visitation.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/25 01:17 AM
1

Is this the type of marriage / relationship / behavior (on both sides; hers and yours) you really want to model for your kids? To show them this is what marriage is like? That it's okay for the wife to mistreat the husband? And that it's okay for the husband not to be honest and stand up for himself? Kids are resilient. They can handle the divorce. They are probably extremely uncomfortable in this household.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/25 06:01 PM
2

The answer to those questions are yes, yes, and yes. California has calculators that you can used to determine both spousal support and child support. It’s likely that they will use your wife’s potential annual salary to calculate them and not zero (i.e. if she is a SAHM). They will use current salary to calculate both of them. If you lose your job, you will still be on the hook for both of those. If you get a new job, where you make less, you can petition the court for an adjustment in child su…
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/25 06:27 AM
4

Not military. Not married as long as you but somewhat similar story with other drugs included; she did the cashback thing and I had no idea until I actually caught her at the liquor store one day. She’d left the kids alone in the car while she went in to shop for liquor. As others have said document everything. When I went into court to file for emergency custody I had a fourish month record of everything that she had done. The judge took one look at it and said “well this isn’t abuse but it is …
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/25 06:23 AM
1

I agree that the courts favor stability and so will likely want to keep the kid in her current school. My ex-wife was actively using drugs / alcohol and driving incapacitated with the kids (judge: “well … it’s not abuse but certainly neglect”) and because of that I had sole custody of the kids. Despite that I was told I’d have an uphill battle trying to move the kids to be closer to my family and better schools (her family was not involved) if my wife chose to argue. Even with her only having th…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/25 08:18 PM
7

Is the money you are paying above just your part of it? Or the STBXW is not paying any of it? If she’s not paying any that’s the next convo your lawyer should have with hers. Is there any sort of side hustle / second job you could get for additional money?
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/25 08:13 PM
3

Hw should talk with a divorce lawyer; ideally with the lawyer who actually handled the divorce. If not available the initial consult with a local lawyer is usually free. If not may be worth a few hundred dollars for a consultation.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/25 08:09 PM
10

Right after I divorced I dated someone twelve years younger (she pursued me). Great in bed but so immature out of it and no shared cultural references. I very quickly realized it wasn’t going anywhere.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 05:01 AM
1

My ex-wife’s then-lawyer wanted to drop her like this but the judge blocked it. To be fair, my ex-wife was a TERRIBLE client. Something I had actually warned her lawyer about when she hired them. The divorce finalized at 9am (or that’s when my lawyer told me about it). Two hours later she (my lawyer) called me actually laughing that my ex-wife’s attorney. One of the few direct calls I got from my attorney (paralegal did most of the communication which was fine) and the only time I ever heard my …
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/25 10:59 PM
1

Other acceptable answer would be “‘No’, ‘No” and, let’s see, ‘No’”
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 10:07 PM
2

I’d be tempted to respond (to the judge): “Your honor ‘No’ is a complete sentence” What I’d probably actually say is: “I was trying to be brief and succinct so as not inject any further emotion into the situation”
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 10:05 PM
6

Can confirm. This is an excellent plan. My ex-wife was almost exactly the same except she never had any money (drugs and alcohol). Grey rocking will drive her nuts. Never respond quickly and only respond if a response is absolutely necessary. And even then as short as response as you can. The shorter the better.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 06:41 AM
2

I filed for one against my wife. My lawyer and I presented my documentation to the judge. My then-wife (now ex-wife) represented herself. It … did not go well for her. The judge looked at the evidence I presented - including months of written records, photos and recordings - and said “well this is not abuse but it sure is neglect”. She objected, judge asked on what grounds, she had none. TRO approved. A few weeks later after she calmed down and got a lawyer they petitioned for a parenting plan; …
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/25 10:21 PM
2

She was in the throes of addiction and mad as hell at me for exposing all of her bullshit and her is a bad mom. She wasn't going to listen to anything I said and any money would go straight to the drugs and alcohol. In the end I shrugged my shoulders and got on with my (and my kids) life. It was the least of my worries at that time. It always irked me a little bit though. She's long gone now so I don't have to deal with it anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 03:42 PM
-1

I was! I was! Really pissed me off. I actually asked my lawyer if there was anyway we could force her to change her last name. We could not. Her rationale was that she wanted to have the same last name as her kids.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 05:59 AM
2

This is a question to ask your divorce lawyer. In general once the divorce is signed it’s final and done. I think your ex-wife would need to prove that you had lied to the judge to reopen it. You didn’t mention if you had kids, but if you do child support payments can be changed in family court if there is a change in circumstances. She would have to petition the court for the change.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 05:36 AM
1

Record everything. Get a diary app for your phone - one that securely backs up to the internet (I used Day One). Screenshots of text messages, Facebook posts, Tinder posts, etc. Everything goes in it. It can be printed out or exported as a PDF. I did this when I petitioned for emergency temporary custody and the judge said “well … it’s not abuse but it sure is neglect”. Things went pretty smoothly for me after that.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 05:24 AM
3

Your kids will be fine if you are both respectful to each other. It’s when you start to manipulate them for your benefit that they get fucked up. I’m not saying don’t be honest; just don’t be manipulative. My kids are late teens (their mom and I separated about ten years ago and she left completely about five years ago) and are all fine emotionally. I was honest and open (age appropriately) when they asked questions and NEVER spoke badly about their mom. About the only thing my ex-wife did corre…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 04:29 AM
2

Se habla español? Can I interest you in a looooong trip to Costa Rica?
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/25 11:43 PM
1

I would suggest sharing the house; the kids are in it full time and either you or your wife are in it depending on whose day it is for custody. Otherwise sell the house (she can buy it if she wants to stay there) and split the proceeds.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/25 06:05 PM
4

Yes. Never take advice, legal or otherwise, from your opponent. And make no mistake, OP, she is now your opponent. She will want to avoid lawyers as long as she can get her way with you.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 01:28 AM
2

In that case no - I did not send my ex-wife anything from me for her birthday. Our kiddos were elementary school age when we separated so I made sure they knew when their mom’s birthday was and that they had a present. She never did anything for them for my birthday. They learned from my example and not hers.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/25 10:09 PM
1

This is what I did as well and i have never regretted it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/25 10:06 PM
7

When I divorced (not in Texas full disclosure) I wanted to move several states over to raise my kids close to my family. I had 100% custody at the time; she got three hours of supervised visitation a week (which I paid for because she couldn’t afford it and would’t see them otherwise) because of ongoing substance use. I had tons of supportive family in a nice town - she had visited and admitted she liked it; we had planned to move there before she went sideways. Even with all that against her my…
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/25 02:00 AM
2

Speak with an attorney (initial consultation is usually free) first. File first. Establish the ground rules and prevent her from leaving - after you file it will be hard if not impossible for her to relocate and move the jurisdiction. What you especially want are really good reasons for the kid to stay in your current location. A good attorney can help with this. I relocated but had really strong arguments for moving where I wanted vs her very weak ones for where she wanted. Mine won out.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 01:42 AM
2

Yes it does. I know that feeling and it is not a good one. I went through it for years with my ex-wife. I showed up at those events for the kids but they were no fun for me. Also appreciate the not drinking issue. My brother loves bourbon and we have shared some nice vintages (including a Louie the 14th or 13th or something that was $$$$ a shot - very very smooth) so I get it. Maybe make a night to get together without the ex-wife (or kids) around to really appreciate the bourbons.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/24 05:31 PM
3

Personally if I were you I'd go if for no other reason then it will likely really annoy your ex. I'd also go because it sounds like it is something you are involved in, enjoy and support. Plus the other parents are your friends. Having said that I also understand that it would not be the best night for you and would also understand not going. Go and greyrock her all night long. My $0.02
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/24 04:41 PM
2

I asked a few friends at work who had just gotten divorced; one of them said “You should hire the lawyer my ex-wife had. She was great”. I did a free consult and then hired them on the spot. I liked that they spent the time to ask me about what I wanted out of the divorce and then really listen to what I said. It helped that she was highly recommended by the two other people I asked.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 03:15 AM
2

The kids will be fine. I’ve been divorced twice (young and dumb for the first) but only kids from the second. They are SO much better without all the chaos and bullshit our then-toxic relationship had. They are happy and well-adjusted teenagers now. As long as you and your STBXW are respectful to the kids snd each other they will be fine. My ex-wife was very messed up but I give her credit for never ever speaking ill of me to the kids. To my face in private? She was a demon. To the kids? Never a…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 03:06 AM
2

You should probably respond to the service then - lest you get a default judgement which, given she served you, would almost certainly NOT be in your favor. I am, however, not a lawyer. Just someone who had a contentious divorce. Get the papers to your lawyer and have them review the papers and respond.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 10:11 PM
1

I have read a couple of posts about keeping the kids in the house and the parents move back and forth instead of the kids. This provides more stability for the kids. Of course then there is a house and apartment payment for both you and the wife which may not be doable. It would also keep you two intertwined even more than sharing kids. This is something that should be absolutely run by your lawyer and has a lot of potential pitfalls as others have raised. Not something I would have entertained …
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/24 03:45 PM
1

She owes you half of the value in the 401k that accrued during the time you were married. If it started at $60k when you got married and increased to $120k during the marriage she would owe you $30k - half of the $60k increase. If all $120k accrued during the marriage she would owe you $60k.That’s a reasonable argument. Your logic is never going to win an emotional argument. Ever. I’d consider this a hill to die on but you’ll probably need to lawyer up to make that happen. Up to you if that $$$ …
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/24 07:49 PM
2

R/legaladvicecanada
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/24 11:28 PM
11

Single father to my kids; wife noped out about five years ago. Not dating until kid graduates high school. As long as you keep your kid’s best interests in mind when you date I don’t know why you couldn’t. I don’t know of any research to support it one way or the other. For me peace and zen. I am too traumatized from the shit their mom put me through to date. I volunteer, read, exercise, hang out with my brother, etc. I don’t feel lonely at all. My marriage was not good (see trauma above) and I …
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/24 01:38 AM
2

If you think this will work out well you do you. There's just a ton of things that can go wrong; I've seen a lot of crazy shit over the years and, in general, people suck. You trust your family and I hope it works but stuff happens. People get sick or get scammed or invest poorly and then no money. Do you think your parents are going to willingly give you this huge asset back in that situation? My parents love me very much and we have always gotten along well but I have things set up so I am not…
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/24 04:21 AM
4

My dude - trust me having been divorced twice - that will not fly with the judge and they really really dislike stuff like this. Anyone trying to do this would get spanked hard in court when it came to light. And any reasonably good attorney would see through it pretty quickly. "Oh - you've been paying above market rent to his parents for the last ten years? And they are going to gift him the house? Hmmmm." I suppose you could wait five, ten, fifteen years and then do it hoping your former spous…
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/24 04:29 AM
2

Oh - for sure. But that's a false equivalency. There's no comparison between driving and marriage or insurance and your plan. I'll give you some numbers. If I had done your plan for the last ten years I'd have paid my parents $480,000 in rent for the house I have. That's half a million dollars I'll never get back and has done nothing for me. I get no return on that money. On the other hand since I actually bought my house I have made payments of roughly $300,000 and I now have an asset worth $60…
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/24 03:24 AM
6

“An honest try” - I do not think that means what you think it means. It seems like if you are putting this much time and effort into planning for a divorce it’s not an honest try at making the marriage work. I don’t know many women who would agree to a set up like this. Also I have a few questions… 1) What happens if the parents die before you get divorced? Suddenly you have nowhere to live. 2) What happens if your parents get divorced? 3) All those marital assets to pay the rent are NOT going t…
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/24 01:45 AM
6

This guy shares custody! Seriously OP - this is a brilliant idea. Be very very careful around the cop; they can be … twitchy.
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/24 01:19 AM
5

Severe postpartum depression leading to mental breakdown. Chose (recreational) drugs and alcohol over prescription drugs and therapy.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 09:02 PM
2

Document document document. I kept a journal of all the bad stuff she did. Plainly written - no flowery prose nor overly dramatic. Just bland statements about what she had done. I had pages and pages of stuff. Hundreds of entries. Brought copies to the emergency custody hearing (because, like your wife, she was unfit) and the judge took a long look at it and then said something along the lines of “well … it’s not abuse but it’s definitely neglect”. Even then I didn’t get full custody until years…
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 02:25 AM
1

I think you need to look no further than our former president and what X (formerly Twitter) has become for two very good examples of being more open about toxicity. I recommend volunteering, group social events (running, chess, sewing, politics) and, if you are so inclined, the religious institution or center for beliefs that you hold. My parents both believe that people have always been who they are; some are "good", some are "bad" and some are "toxic" - the quotes are mine because that is all …
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 03:30 AM
2

I am way older than you and have dated for longer than you have been alive. I don’t think the toxicity has changed at all. I think the technology exposes one to more of it and much faster than you could experience before. I also think people are more open about their toxicity in this day and age; for some it seems to be a feature and not a bug. I love my smart phone and don’t want to go back to my bag phone (google it) but the internet makes it so easy to show everyone how toxic someone is. I th…
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 02:54 AM
2

Target has some surprisingly good (and cheap) towels.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 02:30 AM
4

I can see why you are having trouble finding someone; you don’t want a partner (in the words of Inigo Montoya: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means”) you want someone to “preside over”. Top tier women do not want to be presided over. Yes - I read what you wrote after that about what you are looking for in a wife. I just can’t reconcile the two. You are unlikely to find a top tier woman on the usual dating apps; they are not there. I agree either with the oth…
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 02:07 AM
4

There’s definitely light at the end of the tunnel. Took a year to get signed divorce papers. HUGE weight off my shoulders. So much better now.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/24 05:55 AM
3

Mine were 5 and 6 at the time. Mom was a drug-using alcoholic who was out of control - using and driving. I really had no choice but to leave so I wasn't too worried about how the kids would be. We are all so much better for the divorce. Was always honest with the kids using age-appropriate language and NOT oversharing - "mommy is sick and that is why you can only see her with someone else supervising". To my ex-wife's credit she only once at the very beginning ever said anything bad about me to…
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/24 12:29 AM
1

I don’t think OP wants a partner or at least he doesn’t want to treat his wife like a partner. OP you should know that an unbalanced prenup and/or one not reviewed by her lawyer would likely be easily invalidated. Her wanting to be appropriately compensated, in the event of a divorce, for giving you children, making a house and being your “partner” is not her being evil.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/24 10:04 PM
1

THIS guy divorces. Came here to say this. After my divorce I always did my own separate celebration. Everyone turned out just fine most importantly the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 03:32 PM
8

Keep that appointment with a lawyer. Follow their advice. I’d start thinking about how you’d take care of them as a single dad. Document (write down) everything that just happened. I’d get a bodycam to wear whenever you are around her (follow state consent laws for recording if it’s not easily visible) and have it on any time you are around her. Edit: fat fingers
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 07:51 PM
2

Good for you. I hope to manage to get sober and stay sober.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 09:54 PM
2

I mean this in the nicest possible way - you sound just like my ex-wife. She felt the way you did. She always had an excuse or a reason for why she was late or didn’t test or whatever. She was a hardcore addict and had endangered our children’s lives. She thought it was all bullshit and she shouldn’t be tested. And maybe, for you, it is. I don’t know you, I don’t know your wife and I don’t know your situation. Maybe your wife made up some BS and now you have no choice. I’ll tell you what I told …
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 08:51 PM
3

Yes. I’ll be a little blunt here because I was on the other side of this. My ex-wife continually skipped her breathalyzers and always had an excuse why. She missed visitation with the kids because of it. Usually it was because she was drinking and knew she’d blow positive. I was absolutely hardline about it for that reason. You want to see your kids you need to comply with testing. Set an alarm and then a reminder and then a back up reminder. Whatever it takes. Decide how important it is to see …
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 08:39 PM
3

Talk to an accountant; don’t do anything shady. If her lawyer is even reasonably good they will figure out if you are being shady and judges hate that. Not saying not to use legitimate ways to only pay yourself 53K this year (and for as long as you owe alimony) just saying it should be above board.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/24 04:00 AM
3

You will owe a significant amount of alimony but not for that long (in the US it would typically be 2-3 years). Child support, of course, will be much longer. I don’t know how it works in Canada but most US states have a child support calculator that can be used to figure out how much you will pay.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/24 03:58 AM
6

I did. No longer safe for the kids to be in her care. She was completely blindsided but it had to be done that way for everyone’s safety. Even the judge at the emergency custody hearing (held so I could take the kids and run) said it was neglect.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/24 03:11 AM
0

I’d have married either one if the situations were a little different. One got a job on the other side of the country and I wasn’t going to move (i was born here, I grew up here, I’ll die her. I’m never leaving). It was a once in a lifetime dream job she couldn’t pass up and I didn’t want her to. The other was from a different background than I was and, had she been comfortable with the differences like I was, we’d have gotten married. Unfortunately she was not and when we finally realized she n…
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/24 06:10 AM
-8

The most toxic girl I ever met had had sex with two people before me (she told me and told me she was embarrassed about having had sex with so many men already; we were both quite young). I still shudder when I think about how bad that relationship was and it was decades ago now. TBF I was very immature which didn’t help. The ones that I would guess had higher numbers were much more confident and sure and comfortable with themselves and both the sex and relationships were fantastic. As I mention…
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/24 12:24 AM
-12

I’ve been in relationships with two women that I have no doubt had high numbers in retrospect. They were both, shall we say, friendly and I wouldn’t have been surprised if it was well north of 100. I’d have actually been surprised if it were less. And, to be honest, I benefitted from that because the sex was AWESOME. They both knew what they liked and worked for them plus figured out pretty quickly worked for me so it was fantastic. Usually twice/daily sex for the duration of the relationship wi…
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/24 12:19 AM
-22

Why does anyone care about this? I have NEVER asked any girlfriend how many men (or women) they’ve slept with. Just like none of them have asked me. I don’t care and I don’t understand why anyone else does either. If she loves you (or doesn’t) why does it matter?
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/24 11:01 PM
9

Good for you mate. Give ‘er heck.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 03:07 AM
1

Alimony can / is adjusted as financial situations change. Once you stop working it should decrease. Also once she starts taking Social Security it should decrease. Perhaps now would be a good time to scale back on employment so as to minimize alimony... Have heard stories of guys quitting their jobs prior to divorce to minimize alimony. Requires you to have money in savings obviously. I wouldn't recommend killing yourself over this; don't give her the satisfaction or the inheritance. I suspect t…
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/24 01:31 PM
1

In the state I divorced it was usually expected to pay 1/2 the duration of the marriage for spousal support if you were married less than ten years. So if you were married eight years you'd pay alimony for four years. There was no spousal support calculator so the was negotiable. Had one friend whose wife separated at nine years so she wouldn't have to pay him indefinite alimony. Again though - it's all potentially negotiable. If you've been married less than ten years you shouldn't have to pay …
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/24 01:39 PM
3

You don't mention the state but some of them have calculators for spousal support where you plug in the duration of the marriage, incomes, who pays for what, etc. and so forth and it spits out a number and a duration. Without knowing exactly what state you're in can't tell you for sure if they have one of these. Just google "my state" spousal support calculator. Even then it's likely negotiable. I paid a ridiculously small amount of alimony for a ridiculously short amount of time because she had…
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/24 04:49 AM
1

I started having sex a few months after I separated. I did not pursue her; she pursued me. I spoke with my attorney first who said “just be careful about it” and did not recommend introducing her to my kids. At the time they were with their mom three nights/week so easy to work around. Became more complicated when she was no longer allowed to be with them unsupervised.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 01:35 AM
0

Perhaps he should take all that time, energy and planning effort he using for the divorce and instead use it on making his marriage work...
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/24 03:55 PM
2

The only way to do this is to take out a few extra dollars in cash every time you buy groceries, go to the drugstore, etc etc and then have someone put that money into a crypto account for you. It'd take a long time to build up any significant amount of money but that's the only way I could see one getting away with it.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/24 03:12 PM
3

Wouldn’t the transfers from the bank to coinbase be recorded / noticeable / discoverable? Might be hard to see where they end up but could but a $$$ amount on the money going out…
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/24 02:01 AM
3

The money will help keep you and the kids happy. Do not be afraid to go after what the state and your lawyer think is fair. Trust me. Been there and thank god didn't do that.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/24 01:55 AM
3

I’d tell the police before I told her. But that’s just me…
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/24 11:30 PM
4

I don’t bother to respond to DM’s if I don’t know them.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/24 11:09 PM
8

I did just that. Spent almost $5000 on accessories for my car. Ex-wife long gone. Still enjoying the car and all the accouterments. My lawyer told me “spend it or she will” [she being stbxw] Go for it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/24 01:32 AM
3

You didn’t mention anything about how complicated your divorce is going to be. The more complicated it is the more you’ll benefit from having a lawyer. The fact that you think your wife is going to make it difficult makes it far more likely that a lawyer will be worth the expense.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/24 05:06 PM
1

Why not? Courts are usually hesitant to change something that keeps the environment the same for the kids. What sort of custody arrangement did you land on? 50/50? If so and nothing has changed besides her mind I would think it unlikely a judge would agree.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 01:35 AM
1

This guy divorces! This is excellent advice OP.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 04:08 AM
2

Mine did not until the ex-wife left altogether. It's been blissful and quiet since she did. Kiddo does not seem to miss her at all; she was not around consistently or much at all even when she was still in his/our lives.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 04:06 AM
2

I mean, you got your attorney for a discount; you get what you pay for sometimes. What’s his motivation to work hard for you if you’re not paying him the full amount he’s worth?
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 04:09 AM
1

He’s probably talking about alimony and not child support.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 04:08 AM
3

She’s not your wife anymore and it’s not your house any more. Time to move on my dude.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 09:24 PM
1

Many states have an online calculator to use to determine child support. You plug in numbers like income, parenting split, who pays what for insurance, etc and it spits out a number for child support. I assume this is the equation he is talking about.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 04:30 PM
2

You should find a very good divorce lawyer for yourself and prepare to pay them a lot of money. You'll likely have to pay your wife's soon-to-be attorney a lot of money too.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 04:06 PM
1

So you have data or a study to back this up? I'd like to think it's true (I'm a single father; kids' mom not around any more) but this was what I kept finding: "Single parenting can have both positive and negative effects on the development of children. While single parents may face unique challenges, research suggests that there is no significant difference in children’s overall well-being between single mother and single father households. However, there may be differences in specific areas, s…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 03:07 PM
6

I filed first due to her drug and alcohol. I was awarded sole emergency custody prior to separation due to her using. Took a year to finalize the divorce dragged it out and I thought we were going to have to go to court until she had a positive drug test; she signed the divorce agreement the next day. I had 100% custody that entire year and that continued after the divorce. I paid a year of alimony at something like 15% of my salary and no child support. She did eventually get to 40% custody bef…
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/24 02:19 AM
2

Coworkers I understand. I have dated coworkers. Last ex-wife was an office romance. But if he was her mentor it is inappropriate for him to have a relationship with her. I have been a manager. I have NEVER dated / slept with anyone who worked under my supervision. Ever. Coworkers? Sure. But never a subordinate.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 04:40 PM
13

We've heard WAY messier. But about the "Mentor/mentee" part of this: Please don't take advantage of your power dynamic with your mentees. It's gross and unethical. There are plenty of women you don't work with; date one of those in the future.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 01:54 PM
4

"No plan survives contact with the enemy"
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 01:50 PM
1

You're welcome. I think choosing the right attorney is the best thing to limiting costs. And getting the divorce you want. I had very specific goals (reasonable ones) and my attorney was laser focused on what I wanted. They weren't afraid to tell me NOT to something that I wanted to do but would undermine my goal. My divorce was very high conflict (or at least ex-wife tried to make it that way) and I think my "grey rocking" her helped minimize costs. I rarely called / emailed my attorney. I woul…
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/24 07:54 AM
1

We split our finances pretty much 50/50. My attorney got way less than 40%. I think it cost me somewhere around 12k total. Not sure how much my ex’s attorney got from her as I did not have to pay for her attprney. Disclaimer: I was a very reasonable client and my attorney was also very reasonable (i.e. did not drive up cost). Plus we ended up settling just before going to court as ex-wife screwed up big time and (likely) would have not done well in court. If we had gone to court I would have pai…
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/24 05:48 AM
8

I'm sorry this is happening to you and clearly you are struggling. If the person you think she's cheating on you with has a security clearance AND is married AND is actually cheating on his wife AND she doesn't know AND he hasn't told work about the new relationship then maybe you can get him fired. But if there's no security clearance or if he's single (i.e. he's not hiding anything from anyone) it's unlikely anything would happen. Even for very very high up people in the government having affa…
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/23 06:13 PM
2

Inpatient or intensive outpatient substance use disorder program. Just google “your location” and alcohol rehab program. She needs to go get treatment; you need to stay and take care of the kid. Alternatively she can go to any er and ask for help and they will give her a list of resources. Source: me. My ex-wife is / was an alcoholic.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/23 03:29 AM
6

Literally from her introduction: What This Book Is Not: This book is not a scholarly work. I am neither a scholar nor a researcher, and there is no “methodology” I employed in either composing the questions (they came off the top of my head) or finding contributors (I just put the word out on my Facebook page, asking for volunteers). I do not for one minute pretend that what I’m giving you is any kind of social science, although I do include social science resources in the Appendix. This is a co…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 05:42 AM
2

I did and I would do it again. I am a high earner and my situation is different from yours but I did not know then how it would be now; there was no way for me to know how things would work out. I pulled the trigger anyways because I did not want to go on in a loveless joyless marriage. I wanted to be free to do the things I wanted to and knew I couldn't do that with her. Even when it was very unsure how things would go I never wavered. I knew it'd be okay in some manner of okay. My kids and I w…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 05:23 AM
3

That's more of an opinion paper than actual research. Page 301 is "What The Catholic Church Teaches on Divorce". One of her other books is "Raising Chaste Catholic Men: Practical Advice, Mom to Mom ".
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 05:08 AM
3

It is worth it. I have never regretted getting divorced. My kids have not suffered. My financial situation is far far better than it ever was. The longer you wait the worse it gets.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 04:59 AM
4

I mean, to be fair, as a long time member of this sub we hear this same question from men all the time. Lots of men come hear unsure of what to do and how it's going to go. Also with the same issues about a partner with wage disparity. I would give her the same advice I give the men here: Divorce is worth it. I was (and still am) a high wage earner. My ex-wife almost bankrupted us (I once couldn't pay for a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk thanks to her spending; that was my wake up call and t…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 04:56 AM
3

That's more of an opinion paper than actual research. Page 301 is "What The Catholic Church Teaches on Divorce". One of her other books is "Raising Chaste Catholic Men: Practical Advice, Mom to Mom ".
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 04:47 AM
2

http://www.nacsdc.org/images/Primal%20loss%20paperback5.pdf That's more of an opinion paper than actual research. Page 301 is "What The Catholic Church Teaches on Divorce". One of her other books is "Raising Chaste Catholic Men: Practical Advice, Mom to Mom ".
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 04:40 AM
2

You should definitely consult with a divorce attorney about this. Ask your lawyer who is helping you with the prenup. If you don't have a lawyer or you are both using the same lawyer you should get your own lawyer and she should have her own lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 04:30 AM
20

This guy divorces. OP this is very solid info. I bit my tongue for a year and them, when the papers were signed, could finally tell people. (Image was very important to her) FWIW, in your situation, I would never be able to trust her again. She doesn’t seem to be showing any real remorse or interest in reconciliation.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/23 12:05 AM
4

I didn’t pay any child support as I had sole custody d/t her drug + mental health issues. She could never pull her shit together long enough to scrape up enough money for a lawyer to go back to court and get it changed. Her lawyer for the divorce was not happy with her - apparently, shockingly, she was a terrible client - so he dropped her the second the papers were signed. Any lawyer she talked to after that wanted a HUGE retainer. My lawyer said that’s what’s called a “fuck you” retainer. FAFO…
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/23 12:00 AM
4

No longer going to the grocery to get a gallon of milk and having the transaction declined for insufficient funds. Within a year after the divorce credit cards paid off, new house, vacations, man toys (tools, guns, motorcycle). It’s been fantastic ever since.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/23 11:49 PM
1

Does she make more or less money than he does?
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/23 07:50 AM
2

She’s going to need to have a very good reason to change the kids out of a stable routine. Judges frown on that sort of thing.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/23 04:23 AM
3

Divorce does not always hurt the kids. What hurts kids is two parents who fight in front of the kids or belittle the other parent - whether married or not.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/23 04:15 AM
2

I know somebody who was killed while driving. And yet I still drive...
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/23 03:43 AM
0

Ummm... yes it does and yes they are. Or they will be with this winter's surge. The scientific data is quite clear on the benefit of Covid vaccines. But by all means feel free to share your data that they are not effective.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/23 03:41 AM
4

Yes. Absolutely. So much so that it took me too long to figure out what was happening. But when I did? Cold as ice inside but warm and fuzzy on the outside. I think that pissed her off more than anything else. I guess she didn’t think I could fool her like she tried to fool me. At our first divorce hearing, where she represented herself, she brought a card I gave her a few weeks before I dropped the divorce on her that told her how great a mom she was and how great a wife she was. Asked me how I…
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/23 12:21 AM
1

I paid child support. Plenty of it. I just made sure I did so in a manner I believed best benefitted my children and, quite frankly, my ex-wife. And I did so happily.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/23 10:47 PM
0

With all due respect - modern society most certainly does not provide the same economic opportunity for women as men. Almost anywhere you look, and especially as you look at more senior / leadership positions, women are VERY underrepresented. A simple google search will show you all you ever wanted to know. (“Female CEO”, for example, will show that despite being more than 50% of the population they are around 15% of the CEO’s of Fortune 500 companies) I’ll give you this one for free: https://ww…
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/23 03:46 PM
-7

So I'm sure I won't change your mind or many peoples' minds in this sub. But here goes. If by total scam you mean "I don't want to give that f&#&ing b^&$h any more of my money than I have to!!!" than sure - it is a scam. Do some women absolutely abuse child support - sure, of course, some do. Do all of them? Do most of them? Probably depends on how one defines abuse. But by my definition I doubt it. Child support is meant to support the kids. Not just directly - i.e. all my money goes to things …
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/23 03:33 AM
11

If you consider paying child support for a kid you helped to make (and should be raising) “a risk” I do not think you should become a father. Life is one giant gamble. About everything. There are no guarantees in life. None. In the end you make the best decision you can with the information you have and move forward. If that decision does not work out the way you want (and boy have mine not especially with wives) then you have to re-evaluate. If you are unwilling to take a risk then don’t. Somet…
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/23 10:45 PM
2

I desperately wanted that article to be true but it seems to be a hot mess of poorly interpreted (and I suspect intentionally biased) statistics. Many of links she presents do not support the statements she makes. For instance about more single moms murdering their kids. Technically correct if you go by pure numbers (assuming her numbers are correct; I could not verify them myself) but when you know there are five times as many single moms than single dads her analysis seems misleading. Your sta…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/23 12:34 PM
2

Do you have a citation for this? I tried googling it and all I found was a bunch of stuff about emotional intelligence.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/23 10:56 PM
2

What are you concerned about and what do you want to happen? The court can order someone to surrender their passport but it’s pretty unusual (only heard of it for criminal issues and not family court issues) but the judge can forbid international travel. Are you a US citizen? Or married to one? Is the child in question a US citizen?
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/23 04:14 PM
1

The way I would suggest approaching it is that if you can get 100% custody (and if what you've told us is true you very likely should be able to) then you wouldn't have to pay that $1100 a month and then you could get a job that would allow you to be there for the kids full-time. This what happened to me with my ex-wife.
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/23 07:58 PM
2

I moved across the country. But I had custody of the kids. Unfortunately spouse moved to be close to kids.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 02:52 AM
3

Trust me - anyone that knows her knows the truth. I had a similar situation and no one was fooled (for long) by my ex. Live your best life; it truly is the best revenge.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/23 10:41 PM
3

The freakiest (in bed) person I ever dated was also the most religious.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/23 04:08 AM
1

Why do you not want to be served? Are you trying to prolong the process? Hoping for reconciliation?
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/23 03:18 AM
1

What about have sex with a woman and father a child?
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/23 09:56 PM
31

Not typical problems. 1) My man - get her health insurance. If for no other reason (since you are SO concerned about financial planning) than if she gets sick it will bankrupt you. A simple trip to the ER for a broken limb can easily run $15,000. Way more than that if she’d need an operation to fix it. 2) You’d wish her a life of misery because you’re worried you won’t be attracted to her without big boobs? C’mon my dude. If you continue down this path I think you will be headed for divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/23 06:07 AM
5

Do NOT use the court-appointed lawyer unless there is no other choice. Get HELOC and get your own lawyer. Get a job and get your own lawyer. Whatever it takes. But get your own lawyer. This case has potentially lifelong implications for you not to mention potential implications for your upcoming divorce. Agree with others that you should have one lawyer for this and a separate lawyer for the upcoming divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/23 05:22 PM
2

You have to play the long game my man. Be with your kids (and they are your kids; it takes two to tango so to speak) now so they want to be with you later - when they are older. You don't mention anything about child support but if she makes more than you do make sure she is paying the appropriate support. Make sure you document all the time you spend with them and all the times she asked you to take them. Then in a few years you can go back to court for a modification of the parenting plan. And…
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/23 02:31 AM
12

You did the right thing. Whenever my ex- was nice to me it always meant she wanted something. $$$, more time with the kiddos, etc. Always an ulterior motive. Remember there's a reason you divorced her!
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/23 01:40 AM
2

Write a letter with everything - EVERYTHING - you want to say to her. Get it all down on paper and all out of you. Then burn it in a ceremony involving quality beer and/or high-class whiskey or bourbon or whatever. No matter what you say to her you will never get what you want; what you do get won't be satisfying. I would communicate with her only about the kids and only as little as necessary. Anything else gets ignored. Look up grey rock if you haven't. Save copies of any and all communication…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/23 10:38 PM
1

OP this is solid advice.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 04:25 PM
5

Posting this a second time… Stop responding immediately unless it is a legitimate emergency. Preserve your sanity! I had a separate email folder for my ex- and had a server-side sorting rule so her messages went straight to it and never appeared in my inbox. I would check the email 1-2x/week and only when I was in the right frame of mind. My ring and text tone for her was silence (this was when you had to have a ring tone). Never answered the phone; they all went to voicemail. Several were very …
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 04:03 AM
3

I had a separate email folder for my ex- and had a server-side sorting rule so her messages went straight to it and never appeared in my inbox. I would check the email 1-2x/week and only when I was in the right frame of mind. My ring and text tone for her was silence (this was when you had to have a ring tone). Never answered the phone; they all went to voicemail. Several were very helpful to play in court. Almost never responded to her texts; only when one was absolutely necessary. Several of h…
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/23 04:00 AM
10

Get. Your. Own. Lawyer. She is going to take you to the cleaners if you don't. The house is yours; you do not have to refi. She is entitled to half the increase in value DURING the time you were married. Not have the value of the house. You may be entitled to some of her future earnings given the support you described. Depending on her career this may be more than the value she has in the house. A lawyer can help with all of this.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/23 03:55 PM
2

I read your previous posts. Your wife is seriously mentally ill. Until she wants to get help she is not going to get better. You cannot make her want to get better; she has to choose. You should file for divorce and proceed with it. Expect her behavior to escalate but stick to your guns and stay the course. She may well get clean and sober at some point but the road to sobriety, for most addicts, involves multiple relapses. You do NOT want to be involved in that journey. As you have already foun…
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/23 01:10 PM
3

IANAL. You should definitely discuss this with a divorce lawyer. My understanding is that for a prenup to hold up it has to be reasonable and agreed on by both parties without duress. Probably best way to do this is to have your lawyer (who hopefully has some skill / knowledge in this area) draft it and she has her lawyer (also with some skill / knowledge) review it. I think anything too lopsided or unfair (that is obviously somewhat subjective) or one signed under duress or without legal review…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/23 02:48 AM
2

Strongly recommend getting a free consultation with a local lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/23 11:30 PM
2

Mine threatened to appeal all the time - at least 4-6x/yr. About alimony, about child support or custody time. My response? “Have your lawyer call mine.” Repeated as necessary. No appeal was ever filed.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/23 03:47 AM
-5

Or you could take all the time and energy you are spending on this and instead put it towards being a better husband… You’re literally planning for failure; honestly interested in knowing why you got married.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/23 04:22 AM
1

Sure. Judges and lawyers (specifically YOUR lawyer) love it when you lie to them. Good luck with that. My ex- thought she could lie and get away with it. She could not. I had black and white proof she was lying. Caught her lying in court. Judge was very harsh and her lawyer withdrew at the earliest point he could. It did not go well for my ex-wife. She got laughably little alimony, no child support and only very limited supervised visitation that she had to pay for. A well-written and fair pre-n…
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/23 02:15 AM
2

What happens if your parents sell the house and then refuse to give you the money? Or die first and the house goes to a charity? Also many judges don't like it when someone does stuff like this and will take it into account when distributing marital assets. Plus no doubt your (soon-to-be???) wife will see it for what it is and not want to get married. Nothing says "I love you and want to be with you forever" like aggressively planning for divorce. Just find a good lawyer and get a good prenup. H…
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/23 11:38 PM
2

If it works for all of you and allows you to see the kids I don't see anything wrong with it. I would make sure to document all the time you spend with them so you have that information if/when you ask for a modification in custody.
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/23 10:13 PM
2

I went with a female lawyer. More because she was widely regarded to be the best lawyer in the city than just because she was female. She was not bitchy but was very goal-oriented. Her first question to me was “What do you want to get out of this?” And then kept me laser-focused on getting there. Did a good job of minimizing costs; never got the feeling she was dragging things out for money. FWIW my ex- had a female attorney to but she was not very good and had a TERRIBLE client. Fired my ex- as…
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/23 03:33 AM
1

Agree to disagree. Have both lifelong friends (from WAY before any of my marriages - or theirs come to think of it) and friends I made during / from the marriage. Also from after the marriages. Don’t get me wrong; there were also friendships from the couples we met while married. Most of those were lost in the marriage all though one apologized for doing that and we are now friends again much to the chagrin of the -ex. But the true friends are not transactional or pragmatic or revolve around cou…
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/22 09:24 PM
1

Not so much dated but had a friend with benefits. Not someone I would have even considered for a long term relationship. When it became clear she wanted that I (respectfully) broke it off with her. Completely different dynamics.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/22 07:33 PM
0

Dude - man up and stop being passive-aggressive. Either work on your marriage and build the trust or get a divorce. If she chooses not to sign the post-nup and asks for a divorce (which almost any reasonable person would do) you - through your actions - will have tanked the marriage. Own your choices. This plan is almost assuredly guaranteed to fail. As part of signing the post-nup she’ll get her own lawyer who will almost certainly put the kibosh on her signing it.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/22 03:15 AM
6

I got sole custody
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/22 04:21 AM
2

Perfect is the enemy of good. Sounds like you've done enough work and she hasn't. It is absolutely possible to divorce and have a well-adjusted child. Think about the lesson you are teaching your child - that they should stay in an abusive relationship rather than leave. Is that the lesson you want to teach your kid?
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/22 03:55 AM
1

May I ask why you married then? It would seem antithetical to what you just wrote. Also - there are all kinds of marriages with all kinds of separation. Couples who maintain separate bank accounts, separate houses, other partners, etc. Have you had a real discussion with your wife about how you are feeling and what you would like going forward?
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/22 05:07 PM
3

It's not always the women. This was me once I caught her cheating. I needed a little time to get all my ducks in a row money-wise and legal-wise. My lawyer gave me some very good advice. Also gave me a chance to gather more evidence of really bad behavior. Made sure the kids were safe and I was safe. When the time came we (lawyer and I) dropped the hammer on her in court. Even the judge said it was negligence. It's always the quiet ones you have to look out for. A little planning goes a long way…
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/22 08:03 PM
0

Alternate which parent is in the house. Week on, week off.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/22 03:03 AM
2

My experience / circumstances were quite unique... Married seven years. Negotiated one year of alimony - peanuts compared to how much I made then - and no child support (I had full custody d/t issues surrounding need for divorce). Still can't believe she accepted it and even less that the judge signed off on it. In the judge's defense my ex-wife was clearly incapable of parenting responsibly at the time of the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/22 08:39 PM
11

Be together at least four years before you marry and be older than twenty-five when you marry. Have long discussions and make sure you have similar ideas/priorities with regards to family, money, kids, etc. having some overlapping hobbies is good but I don’t think they should all overlap. Someone who can be by themselves but is happy to be with you. Someone who is, in general, happy and healthy. Someone who treats everyone with at least some respect. Someone who is willing to work together with …
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/22 12:39 AM
2

So you want to teach your kids one should stay in a terrible relationship? That it’s normal to argue every day and for you to be treated the way that you are? That it’s acceptable to be miserable all the time? Because that’s the lesson they are learning. Especially the 14 yo. If you are honest and age-appropriate with the kids they will not only be fine you will be teaching them an essential life lesson. Split from my ex-wife when kids were about five. Both are healthy and well-adjusted. Never p…
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/22 12:31 AM
2

Saw this on the an episode of the Sopranos; is not true. Just stopping in for a free one-hour consultation (or even a paid one-time consultation) does not prevent that firm from representing the spouse. Only if you paid them a retainer and officially hired them would they be unable to represent you. Source: Asked my divorce lawyer the same thing.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/22 12:01 AM
4

Well.. having been in a similar situation (almost diametrically opposed ideas about raising kids) she can fuck right off. You go for 50/50 time and create your own loving environment. If your STBXW is going to make the child as miserable as I suspect they will very quickly be choosing you over her. The best thing you could possibly do for your child is to be a positive father presence in their life. Your wife is nuts. Look up “Grey Rock” and never JADE. I guarantee using thise will drive her nut…
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/22 01:37 AM
3

It’s definitely worth it to have the conversation. I spent so much time trying to figure out the perfect thing to say or perfect way to say it or perfect time to say it so she would understand. In the end none of it mattered because she just exploded and it was not a reasonable logical calm conversation. And hasn’t been since. While it was very unpleasant in the moment and at times afterwards I felt like a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders and almost immediately felt SOOO much better. And …
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/22 02:40 PM
16

“I’m not happy and I haven’t been for quite some time. We have been through therapy and it has shown me that we want different things from this marriage and life which don’t match up. I want a divorce. And then stick to it. When I said this to my now ex-wife she immediately started bargaining about how she “didn’t realize you were so unhappy” and “I will change”. I knew she did and she wouldn’t (we’d been in therapy which helped me realize both) so I just kept saying “It’s over. We’re divorcing.…
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/22 08:27 PM
3

Well... If you move to an island that does not cooperate with American legal matters you can just refuse to pay alimony. It would mean you could never return to the US of A though. Otherwise you will owe her alimony.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/22 09:42 PM
2

You relapsed in February; you haven't had a drink since February. I don't think you are as far into recovery as you think; I hear a fair amount of denial and justification in your post. Recovery from alcoholism (and from addiction in general) typically involves multiple releases as you did. I'm not sure why you'd want alcohol or cannabis in the house right now and it certainly wouldn't be a hill I'd die on right now if I were you. TBH you should never want alcohol in your house again.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/22 06:58 PM
3

"No" is a complete sentence. My ex did the same thing. I mean the demands were really outlandish; laughably so. Even the mediator though they (ex and lawyer) were being unreasonable. We offered a reasonable compromise (the most my lawyer and I were willing to give up) to look reasonable and when they said no we said "we're done". Ended up in court and she got way less than we had offered at mediation; judge didn't hesitate to sign the decree at all. Stick to your guns.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/22 05:13 PM
1

Divorced for the same reason; kid turned out fine. We talk about his mom’s drinking (she’s still doing it) all the time. He says he’s never touching it. Highly recommend alanon and alateen.
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/22 04:40 AM
3

Apparently it's okay if you are angry about it forever and not her? Definitely speak with a lawyer about this first but if I were you and the kids were born in, and and have citizenship from, your country I'd be strongly thinking about taking them home...
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/22 02:46 AM
2

Your lawyer should ask you what you want to het out of the divorce - i.e. what things will look like when it is all said an done. If your expectations are unreasonable they should tell you. Then they should tell you how they will help you get what you (reasonably) want. They should tell you how and when to contact them with info / updates. They should lay put the expected fees upfront. Obviously if things go from uncontested to contested this will change. You should feel very comfortable with th…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/22 12:31 AM
7

What are you hoping to get from sending this to her? Everything after the first sentence is superfluous and unneeded. And you should only send it after you have filed for divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/22 07:45 PM
1

Wife used drugs with boyfriend (he supplied them) and would drive her car with kids in them while high as a kite.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/22 12:40 AM
2

If this guy has truly put your kids in a dangerous situation (as you alluded to in another comment) this is an issue worth fighting. This happened to me and judge ruled in my favor. Huge difference for us between family (i.e grandparent / Aunt / Uncle) and some rando (i.e. boyfriend). Especially one who encouraged said bad behavior. Partner got stomped like a narc at a biker rally in court. Judge was super pissed.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/22 08:32 PM
1

This extremely rare (only a few states) and even then only applies when the grandparent(s) have a well-established solid relationship with the kids. Source: Ex-wife’s mom tried to assert grandparent’s rights. Had only seen children once in five years. Judge dismissed her petition outright and “with prejudice”
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/22 04:02 AM
1

That makes a lot of sense. Thank you of sharing. I was lucky my ex- could earn a living wage just chose not to after our youngest was born.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/22 08:53 PM
2

May I ask why you are still with her? Something must work if you stayed this long.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/22 05:12 PM
6

Sanity check: You are not the crazy one here; she is. And her family is RIGHT behind her. The apple never falls far from the tree. You should not give two shits what any of them think or say unless it is in front of your kids which is, of course, not okay. Also - you will never win an argument about this with them so don’t even try. When the kids are with you then you can take them to see your parents. Good luck. Protect yourself carefully against false accusations. A body cam and/or recorder is…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/22 12:44 AM
1

Charge it on your joint credit card. Take it out of your joint account. If you have a joint bank account withdraw half of it now and deposit it at a new account in a new bank in your name alone. If you do not have a joint account (i.e. she does not give you access to the money she brings in) then a lawyer may take it on contingency and she will pay their fee. You have options and you need an attorney. My ex hated my guts (HATED) but to her credit she never let that be known to child. The two of …
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/22 12:36 AM
6

You are NTA. The Ashley Madison thing is meaningless if you are being honest about creating it after you told her you were done. Agree with everyone else who says she is trying to have her cake (full physical custody of the kids) and eat it too (all the money from you). You are entitled to half the money and she is entitled to half the debt. Find a good lawyer, listen to them and be reasonable (i.e. do not try to go scorched earth just to "get back at her". Your goal should be 50/50 physical cus…
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/22 03:31 AM
2

I bought a new house and a big a$$ TV. Then my kid and I started traveling...
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/22 04:19 AM
4

He probably isn't like that to my ex or to my sons but I know that is what he is. He probably isn't like that to my ex or to my sons *yet* but I know that is what he is. ​ Fixed it for you. Sadly. Just live your best life and be the best example you can for your kids. They pick up on way more than we realize (in retrospect; mine are older than yours) and will automatically want a calm peaceful happy living situation over one like which your ex- is getting into.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/22 12:26 AM
1

Counter with exactly what you offered at the beginning of this - nothing more and nothing less. Agree with all the others saying document everything. Probably worth have a camera in your room that records audio and video 24/7. May also be worth getting a recorder you can wear (audio only at least; a body cam would be better) to counter any charges she may make. Look up Grey Rock and JADE. Do the former (you're granite; nothing she says phases you) and avoid the latter (just do what you want with…
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/22 02:03 AM
3

Then you say “ok - laser TV is worth $xxxx dollars and ask her to give you $xxxx dollars in compensation. Or jewelry worth $xxxx dollars. Or say “no” and duke it out.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/22 08:34 PM
2

It is likely, if these are items of small value (a few hundred to a few thousand dollars) that your wife will not care about them or their value (do you care about the value of her shoes her purses? etc). Now if you are buying gold bars or crypto that is another thing altogether. Unless one of you has something of significant value (i.e. she has tens of thousands of dollars of jewelry or you have a fender Stratocaster) it's all likely to be lumped in as "yours is yours and hers is hers". Typical…
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/22 11:23 PM
1

Let her do what she wants with the kids. Legally she is their parent and can take them wherever she wants. Do not place yourself in the middle of a situation in front of the kids where there may / will be conflict. Feel free to take the kids out to run errands as well. And if those errands involve a trip to the toy store and ice cream shop then all the better. You cannot prevent her from racking up debt on her credit card - even if it is a joint account. You may / should be able to divert your p…
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/22 11:05 PM
1

Completely disagree. I couldn't even tell you where my lawyer went to school. I have no idea - I never checked. It wasn't important to me. Because when I came through the door they listened to me and what I wanted out of the divorce (very first question they asked me). They then helped me get to that point (physically and metaphysically). When I wanted to do something stupid (usually a decision made from an emotional viewpoint instead of a logical one) they were not afraid to (gently) call me ou…
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/22 10:55 PM
7

Well ... technically you would both have to stop paying the mortgage for it to go to foreclosure. That is to say if your name is on the mortgage (either by your alone or with her) it doesn't matter who you think is supposed to pay you are responsible. So if she can't/doesn't pay then the bank will expect you to pay. If no one pays then yes if will go into foreclosure. Typically, unless the two of you reach agreement sooner, the house is sold around the time the divorce is finalized. and the debt…
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/22 10:32 PM
6

Honestly? Because I knew it really pissed her off. The calmer I acted (which was really hard at first because I was seething inside) the angrier she got. I realized she was trying to get a rise out of me and when she didn’t she just got more and more upset. I turned it into a game. After the confrontation was over I would let all my anger out by going to the gym, going outside for a run or calling a friend / family member and venting to them (a select few offered themselves up for that duty). Th…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/22 06:48 AM
5

Set firm boundaries and KEEP THEM. Grey rock her. Do not JADE. Respond only to text / email unless an absolute emergency (this is so you have documentation). If you have to talk start any conversation with “I am recording this conversation” and then do so. Again for documentation. Keep a diary of any and all contact with her. Document everything. Sometimes you can look back and see a pattern. Most important - DON’T BUY INTO HER BULLSHIT. No matter what she says - no matter how awful, how mean or…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/22 06:22 AM
1

I’d file in Michigan. There are onlime calculators for child support; I don’t know about alimony. Initial consultation with a divorce attorney is usually free - see what they think.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/22 05:43 PM
2

How long have you been married?
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/22 05:51 AM
3

You want the right person for the job. I had a divorce attorney to handle the divorce and then a family law attorney for ongoing legal issues with the ex. I interviewed several lawyers of each type until I found one that listened to me about what I was looking for - which was not to pummel my ex into dust as much as they deserved it. I wanted an attorney who was firm but fair and was willing to work to avoid court. Think about what you want out of the case and then find a lawyer willing to work …
/r/Divorce_Men05/01/22 05:44 PM
2

TBH this sub is biased because people with a happy marriage do not come here to post. I’m certainly not here because mine was sheer bliss. I have friends who are happily married and it’s a real partnership which benefits both so I do see the other side.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/21 02:42 AM
3

Speak up? Learn to say no? Also therapy because hate like this is corrosive to a long term partnership.
/r/Divorce_Men06/12/21 01:45 AM
8

I’m going to have to, respectfully, disagree with you. This whole situation screams divorce to me. I can’t believe how patient he’s been with both his MIL and his wife. Either one, without the other, would be worthy of divorce. Neither one respects him and neither one is listening to him. OP - do you want your kids to grow up thinking it,is okay to be treated how your wife and MIL treat you? File for divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/21 04:08 AM
1

You would want a lawyer in the area where she will file for divorce. In many places there is a residency requirement before you can file for divorce; I don’t know how living internationally with affect that. Usually the initial (first) consult is free; if you then decide you want them to represent you then you will have to give them a retainer. Typically $3-5,000. Ask friends who they used / liked / recommended. If you can get a recommendation then start with the googling. Don’t be afraid to tal…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/21 01:47 AM
2

I think you should speak with a Canadian lawyer for the best answers to those questions. But here are my best guesses / recommendations as a non-lawyer: ASAP Make sure you have as much documentation as you can about her finances and your finances. Find a good therapist. Yes. Yes. No clue about your odds of being divorced raped in Canada. In general if she wants to drag out the divorce and fight over everything (especially through lawyers) it will be very expensive. But she hast to have the money…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/21 01:03 AM
3

I think what he’s saying is that if you go to marriage counseling to fix your spouse it is a WOMBAT; if you go to fix yourself (and are willing to do the work) and your spouse does the same it can be worthwhile. That’s certainly been my experience. It’s so hard for so many people to understand you can’t (indeed shouldn’t) force someone else to change. You can only change yourself. And a lot of the time we can’t even do that.
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/21 06:58 PM
4

I think it’s pretty common but it should not be and you should not feel you have to comply. I would drive the kids on her days if I was free - more time for me with them; we almost always stopped for dinner or ice cream… A couple of times she tried to “reclaim” that time by saying she would drive them on my days but I always told her no. I refused to pay for the parties she threw for them. I would go halfies on gifts if I thought it was something the kids would like. You are not a terrible dad; …
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/21 02:46 AM
1

I met someone and was “having relations” with her while my divorce was pending. I made sure we got together on STBXW’s day / evening with the kids or after the kids went to bed. My lawyer told me it was not a problem but suggested being discrete just to make things easier on me. [STBXW was batshit crazy]
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/21 02:44 AM
2

Make sure you save copies of all these texts. Agree with the poster above who pointed out he is coming to the age where he will have more say (to the court) where he spends his time. These texts will be very helpful to the court to see why he should be with you instead of his mom.
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/21 10:13 PM
7

I would (and in fact did) fight and she ended up folding because she had no good reason - why the change would be for our child’s best interest - to take to the judge. You are your child’s advocate. Any change needs to benefit them. And mommy playing with new friend does not benefit your kid. Good luck and stick to your guns.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/21 05:49 PM
12

Speak with your lawyer and see what your options are. There are ways to minimize your costs and a good lawyer will work with you to do so. Mine did.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/21 01:39 AM
1

This is high quality advice. Record interactions (you may need to tell her you are doing this if it is a two party consent state; I started every conversation with “Just so you know I am recording this”), save all texts and e-mails and keep a diary including screen shots of important text (if it’s electronic). Make sure to back up everything. I did this and it was very helpful when we went to court; the judge was very impressed.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/21 06:12 PM
1

This judge? Yes. Every Australian judge? I don’t know; I don’t follow their court / divorce system closely enough. Any American judge? Maybe. My ex-wife was an epic asshole (to me; not the kid) and I got full custody. So it does happen. I think this sub presents a biased view of the courts; a bias which has been true in the past but seems to be less true now. Although obviously still present with some judges and in certain states maybe.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/21 12:34 AM
2

That’s what the judge ordered. Edit: fat fingers
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/21 12:19 AM
2

I’m sure this not going to be a popular opinion but… Did you not read the document? The judge excoriates the wife (states outright that the wife is lying / untruthful about almost everything at almost every point) and exonerates the father. The judge seems to be absolutely on the father’s side. The judge notes that the mother’s daughter from a previous marriage chooses to live with her stepfather (the husband) because the mom is so unstable / harmful. But because the mother has so poisoned the k…
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/21 10:14 PM
2

Did you read through the entire document? It is not nearly as simple as OP seems to be implying. The judge clearly knows the wife is lying about almost everything and is the one causing most of the domestic violence the kids were exposed to; the judge acknowledges that the husband acted only to protect himself. The judge also acknowledges that the father has been the better parent of the two by far in almost every way. But the judge also acknowledges that the children will, at the time of the de…
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/21 10:03 PM
1

I wouldn’t put much stock in Yelp or Google reviews. If you’re not sure he’s the lawyer for you after speaking with him five times it sounds like he is not the lawyer for you. Is he the only lawyer you’ve spoken with? I spoke with three lawyers and I knew I found my lawyer when I had no concerns about giving them a retainer after the first visit.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/21 11:58 PM
3

I wouldn’t use google or yelp - you want a recommendation from a former client of his. Don’t give him a retainer until you decide you want him to be your lawyer. If he won’t do a free initial consultation it might be worth the money to pay for the initial consultation and then decide if you want to retain him.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/21 04:34 PM
1

Make sure you are recording (writing down what is happening in a journal) times/date when this happens. Be as descriptive as possible. Can be done electronically (i.e. journaling app) or paper/pencil. Probably a good idea to record any/all conversations with your wife/mil and save them somewhere. May be helpful when you go to court to establish patterns of behavior.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/21 05:49 PM
1

So in other words if the house was worth 100k when you got married and is now worth 140k and the judge decides she gets 50% you’d owe her 20k for the house (50% of the 40k increase in value).
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/21 12:44 AM
1

IANAL but have some experience with contentious divorces and custody issues. You didn’t say how old your kids are; the older they get the more the court will take their opinions into account. I would make sure you know what their wishes are because that may hold significant sway with the court. I think it’s extremely unlikely you’d have to pay your wife’s court fees but a quick (and probably free) initial consult with a family law lawyer could answer that question and also tell you how likely yo…
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/21 04:30 AM
2

Double check this with your attorney but let her have them during the day all she wants as long as you get them for the night. In my divorce it was nights/week that determined parenting split. I let my partner have all the time during the day they wanted but made sure 4/7 nights a week were mine to ensure I remained the supervisory parent. [partner was a hot mess and in no condition to care for kids / make decisions. Couldn’t even care for themselves]
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/21 02:47 AM
3

Word matters and have meaning. So few people seem to understand that. Even the toughest person can only put up with so much crap/criticism. I feel you only have a certain number of times you can criticize someone before they break. I always want to ask people “are you sure you really want to use to use one of those up for this issue?” I would honestly like to know what your wife thought she was going to achieve with all those little criticisms.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/21 10:24 PM
3

If this helps at all ... Based on how your wife has been behaving there was never going to be a happy family. Both sides have to work together to make that happen and she was never going to do that. Some people are much better parents separated then together and you two may be one of those.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/21 09:29 PM
3

Well ... I don’t think you really want her conditions. You can do much better than her conditions, probably, if you go to court. Especially if you do live in an “No-fault” divorce state. You are entitled to 50% of the profit from selling the house. Spousal support depends on her income and your income. If all that schooling pays off and she makes more than you did she could owe you support. You are a mess of emotions right now and not thinking straight; this decision will have lifelong ramificat…
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/21 12:29 AM
2

Agree with everything else that’s been said but wanted to add: When you settle you know exactly what you are going to be getting/paying. If you go to court there is no guarantee as to how it will work out. Your attorney may have an idea, broad brushstrokes, about how it may go but you never know for sure. The judge is having a bad day, your attorney is having a bad day, you’re having a bad day - any one could swing things one way or another. I settled for (probably) a little more than I would ha…
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/21 03:28 AM
2

The more documentation you have about everything / anything the better. When I realized things were going sideways relationship wise (i.e. potentially heading for divorce) I started keeping meticulous records about the care I provided and the care my partner did not. Doesn’t have to be anything fancy - I used an electronic journaling app - but it made it very clear to the judge how much I’d been doing and how little they’d been doing. It should also heavily play in your favor that you have an at…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/20 02:07 AM
1

GET A LAWYER!!!! She is walking all over you.. she has screwed you, she is screwing and she’s going to keep screwing you. Get a lawyer and get protected.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/20 02:41 AM
1

Bwaa ha ha ha ha. Seriously dude? He would have none of it without her. He wouldn’t survive a week without her taking care of him. Domestic work (i.e. housework) is still very much work. He wouldn’t be doing as well as she is and she deserves half. I’d argue more because of the way he treats her. She deserves at least 50%. The court will agree with that. This is not the 50’s.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/20 02:47 AM
2

You are NTA for feeling this way. She can do whatever she wants with her money after the divorce; not your problem. She had seven years, while you were married, to do this and she chose not to. I would promise her NOTHING right now about anything - not custody, not alimony, not asset division. Tell her that every decision going forward will be made with your attorney. If for some reason you absolutely feel you have to help her give I’d give her a lump sum or a short term (whatever the reasonably…
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/20 05:56 AM
13

This may be the wrong forum to be asking that question in... I have been married twice. Once young and stupid - just out of college, knew her only six months, etc. Neither were ready for marriage. I had doubts leading up to it but she convinced me to forge ahead. Ended up divorcing (amicably) six months later. Second was decades later. Knew her four years before I proposed and then another year until we officially married. No issues prior to marriage; felt very comfortable about it. She had a ps…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/20 06:06 PM
1

Why are you so passive? It doesn’t matter what your wife wants - it only matters what the court says. You need to lawyer up and fight for your daughter if you want to see her. Every weekend or certainly every other weekend custody is not unreasonable.
/r/Divorce_Men15/12/19 12:26 AM
2

Me! Me! I did! You’re not the crazy one...
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/19 10:26 PM
5

I would counter her offer with “I’d be happy to see them more - what two nights a week would you like to drop them off after work?” If she balks at that you’ll know she’s just gaslighting you. Also if she was really concerned about you spending time with the kids it seems like she’d ask her scumbag boyfriend to leave for thirty minutes so you could see the kids in the house. Hell- he should sit in the car in the driveway while you are in then house.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/19 11:48 PM
1

I’m sorry you are going through this - I can hear feel the pain in your words. I discovered my wife’s cheating quite by accident and, while she denies there was ever any physical cheating, I’ve always believed she was lying. Which colors my judgement about these things. It took me awhile to come to come to grips with it but I was helped by the fact that I had basically decided to divorce her (for other reasons) by the time I discovered it. Still a bit of a shock though. Think of it as shading th…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/19 10:55 PM
3

Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. Let it go my brother. My ex-wife cost me hundred’s of thousands of dollars. I refused to roll in the gutter with her and lived my life the way I wanted to. In the end I came out far ahead of her in all the ways that count - I have my son fulltime, I have made all that money back and am in a much better financial position now than ever and I am healthy and happy. And she is not. I never, not once not ever, put her down or “made he…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/19 10:39 PM
2

You don’t have to tell them this is something you both want; there are different ways to phrase it. Mommy and daddy will always love you but we do not love each other so we will no longer be living together”. Your mom and I will always love you but we can no longer live together” etc and so on. Do not - ever - speak bad of your wife. It helps you feel better in the short term but is bad for the kids in the long term. And really why would you want to continue to live with someone who has at least…
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/19 09:10 PM
1

Except it is interfering with his life - it’s complicating his wife’s chosen profession and his marriage. If he gets caught she could lose her job and it would almost certainly prevent any sort of advancement if she didn’t get fired outright. Part of the reason I separated from my now ex-wife is that her continued usage was potentially threatening my job. I didn’t work in law enforcement but had a higher-up managerial position in an organization that had no tolerance for substance use/abuse. Had…
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/19 01:40 AM
2

She gets half of everything that accumulates during the marriage - not of what you accrued before her. If your retirement was $1 million before you married and now it is $1.1 million she only gets $50,000. If you have not spoken to a lawyer you need to do so ASAP.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/19 12:45 AM
3

This should be right on top. Get specific advice from a local lawyer. Well worth the money. Make sure to pay in cash so your wife doesn’t see.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/19 08:55 PM
3

That is worth calling the authorities for; I did on my ex-wife. Finding out she was driving our child around while drunk/high is what pushed me to file. You need to get and stay sober for him; if you do that (and she doesn’t) you will have a really good chance at getting custody.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/19 02:59 AM
2

Yes YTA. You need to take the long view which is, assuming your ex-wife is not actual physically endangering the child, co-parenting with her in a reasonably chaos-free environment. What you eid feels good in the short-term but is not good in the long-term. It took me a few tries to realize that I needed try to help my ex-wife be as stable as possible within reasonable limits. Which means don’t intentionally stir up trouble. You’d need to speak with a lawyer about whether or not the police would…
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/19 08:57 PM
3

I don’t know that there is a normal. When you have decide to split you put it on the market whenever you want to and the split the proceeds (or the debt... ask me how I know) when it sells. Of course you have to keep paying the mortgage until it sells but there is no specific timeline. Mine was put on the market two months before our court date and finally sold six months after the court date.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/19 03:14 AM
1

This is pretty much perfect. I said much the same things when I broke the news to my son. When you talk about it do not blame your wife and do not blame yourself. Also it’s a very good idea to speak with your wife about what you both are going to say; very important you are both saying the same thing. Bonus points if you have the conversation together with your daughter.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/19 02:09 AM
-4

Yeah but those were all choices you made right? Getting married, staying in that job, having kids, staying after she cheated (the first time), etc. Sure promises/commitments were made. But you had to know when you got married that it might not go the distance right? And as a single parent (who has to work full time and take care of a kid) let me tell you that taking care of kids and a house is hard work.
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/19 06:20 PM
-1

So she forced you to get married, forced you to have kids, and forced you to let her stay home and raise those kids? Or were those your decisions and you should accept the consequences for them? You are still are, as you said, working “the majority of their life to provide everything they can to make their families happy, to make their dreams come true, putting themselves last” it’s just in two separate homes now and you’re obviously much less happy about it. But you reaped the benefits of her s…
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/19 03:37 PM
3

Had dinner and a few beers with my brother. Joy was short-lived though - she behaved no better after the divorce than before.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/19 11:00 PM
2

None of this sounds illegal. You are, as a parent and spouse, entitled to all of that information. I needed my ex-wife’s SSN and still have it saved somewhere because I still need it occasionally. I can’t believe the police would get involved in something over FIOS.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/19 03:31 PM
3

It will get better. We’ve all been there or are going there. Agree with getting a good therapist and that a good one is sometimes hard to find. Worth every penny though. Make sure you are doing things for you - exercise (gym/outside), hobbies (I built a ton of models during mine - gave me something to do with my hands), friends (old and new), stay away from social media and avoid anything/place that will make you feel worse. You can do it. You are not alone. It will get better.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/19 03:25 PM
3

This
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/19 02:18 AM
1

So, sadly, if you want to move this along (and you should) I think you should offer to pay for mediation for her. Other have covered this other issues you mentioned but I agree - do not let her take the kids out of the country and do not give her your passport.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/19 04:00 PM
1

Washington has a child support calculator. If you pay all the expenses you’ll probably not owe much child support and once she is a practicing physician she’ll probably owe you money. What I would be worried about, if she is in medical school while you were married, is her medical school debt. It can be significant and, if accrued during the divorce, half of it is yours. Looks like it’s ~ $40,000 a year so ~$120,000 give or take for four years. My understanding is that it will continue to accrue…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/19 12:05 AM
2

The kid will make it hard to leave; judges frown on that unless there is genuine risk to the child. You could try for a temporary protective order but I doubt you have enough to warrant it. Sounds like a bad situation. Just do your best, in front of kid and cameras, to remain calm no matter what she says. Also be sure to back up all the camera footage somewhere secure that she can’t get it (i.e. online). Good luck man - sounds like it’s going to be a rough next year or so. We are here for you.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/19 11:52 PM
2

Yep - kid complicated things. You could try for a temporary custody order but judges are hesitant to do that unless there’s a real danger to the kid. Good luck. Sounds like a challenging situation.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/19 10:26 PM
2

Do you have kids? Can you move out when you have her served? All contact / communication through lawyers? If yes then do so. If you are stuck in the house with her I would wear a body cam 24/7 and, if you can afford it, put cameras in the common areas. Let her know you are doing both of these and you’ll need to figure out how to secure the cameras / recordings from them. Honestly I would leave if at all possible. Then make sure you have a tracking app on your phone so you can prove where it (and…
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/19 06:16 PM
2

Until she graduates residency and becomes a doctor; then the tables turn and she’ll have to pay him. Until the kid is eighteen. He’ll do very well in this long term especially if he maintains fulltime custody.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/19 04:54 PM
1

What state are you in? Many states have a calculator used to determine child support. Factors involved usually include custody split, who pays for health insurance, income differential, etc. If you have the kid fulltime you’ll not pay much in child support. Make sure this gets readjusted as she moves through medical school, residency and a doctor job. She could be paying you beaucoup bucks by the end of it depending on how much she makes... Spousal support is a bit different and squishy but in g…
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/19 04:52 PM
2

Process servers know how to deal with all of this; any of them with any experience have done so. It’s a good idea to let them know how you think it will go down so they can be prepared but they can handle it. My lawyer had a very experienced one the firm used; I’m sure your layer has one as well.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/19 04:43 PM
3

Living well is the best revenge. Play the long game and keep your eye on the prize - the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/19 09:06 PM
1

Why is it married and unhappy or divorced and embarrassed? Is she not willing to do the work to make it happy? If not then screw her and get a divorce. Tell her it’s make this a happy marriage or get divorced and be embarrassed. Highly recommend couples counseling before you make any decisions. If she won’t go I’d get thee to a lawyer ASAP. And stop having sex with her or use condoms (that you keep and store safely...) until you figure out what to do.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/19 10:53 PM
1

Just document exactly what you did and when you did it. Save the ticket stub. Save any text messages you got. If you have not been drinking recently (last 1-2 weeks) consider getting an ethyl glucuronide. If it comes back negative (which it should if you haven’t had anything to drink in a week) it should be helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/19 10:46 PM
2

Ask your friends who they used and if they liked them. I asked a friend who to use and he recommended his ex-wife’s divorce lawyer because that lawyer was very aggressive and very good and raked my friend over the coals.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/19 10:40 PM
3

Yes it is. I would strongly recommend doing couples counseling (especially with a therapist with expertise in sex issues) before you break up. If that’s your only issue maybe you can find some middle ground. I wouldn’t consider once a week “drinking from a firehose” but I also wouldn’t consider it dead bedroom either. I doubt anyone over the age of thirty could have sex multiple times a day every day. I was always happy with once a day and the occasional double was icing on the cake. But that wa…
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/19 10:34 PM
2

Make sure you are documenting all of this for the next court date.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/19 04:27 PM
2

So... That is a lot of “monthly morphine equivalents” for one person - even not knowing the amount of morphine she is prescribed. If she has legitimate pain she may not be high if taking the oxycodone and morphine properly although you are right to be skeptical. Doses that high, nowadays, are usually only for people with cancer pain or tapering down from an even higher dose. But not for back pain. How high she is is subjective; the people who know her best (i.e. are around her most) are the best…
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/19 05:07 PM
1

Ah - that’s a more complicated question. Ideally it should start at 50/50 (mom/dad) and change from that depending on a number of factors but placing the safety and comfort of the child first. Not all states have this bias; some (many? I don’t have any stats) are biased towards the mom although this has been shifting towards 50/50 as the ideal. If dad has been the primary child raiser (i.e. absent mom or she’s unable to care for them) the custody split should shift more to dad. If dad has been l…
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/19 06:36 AM
1

Your children are too young to have any say in custody issues.
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/19 03:25 AM
1

In America you cannot force someone to leave the house without a court order which is not easy to obtain. I’ve only heard of it happening when one parent is being abusive/neglectful to the child so too dangerous for abusive parent to stay in house. Not sure about UK laws. Could try legal advice UK reddit (sorry - don’t know how to link to it directly). If you are not prepared to continue with ultimatum (i.e. actually divorce her) if she declines to leave/doesn’t wake up I wouldn’t do it. Couples…
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/19 11:13 PM
1

It is possible. My divorce agreement was written so her visits had to be worked around my schedule (I had primary custody). My scheduled varied even more than yours. Of course you need to either have primary custody or an understanding/reasonable ex. Or a very good lawyer. But it can be done.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/19 02:12 AM
2

It takes time but you will get over it. There are a lot of good women out there and a few bad ones. Be true to yourself, don’t compromise your morals/ideals and never walk on eggshells. You’ll know when the time is right.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/19 05:43 AM
1

Child,support is usually dependent on a number of factors mostly income disparity, custody split and who pays health insurance. Many states have a calculator that is used to determine the recommended amount. If your custody split will not change, she supplies the health insurance and your income stays the same there should be no change. If any of those will change the calclator may be helpful to get an idea of how much. If you want to know for sure speak with a knowledgable family law lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/19 05:11 AM
2

I’m going to second this. There is a Utah state calculator for child support but alimony is determined by the court and takes many factors into account. There is no alimony calculator.
/r/Divorce_Men13/08/19 05:52 AM
2

So that sounds very reasonable. And logical. Which she is not (clearly). Your situation sounds eerily similar to what I went through. It may work out the way you want but seems unlikely. More likely you present her papers and she flips out. But you’ll need that info anyways so might as well gather it. Goes with out saying you need to get checked for STD’s (safe assumption she’s not being careful) and I’d avoid sex with her until you separate. Or use condoms. Good luck - I’ve been there and it’s …
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/19 03:16 PM
2

6 months after we separated. Which was a year after I found out we had serious (divorce-worthy) problems. I had someone pursue me; doubt it would have happened if she hadn’t been so obvious in her interest. But by the point it happened I was already over and through with my (at the time) STBX. I was ready to move on. Had no trouble functioning. Probably had a lot of whatever saved up from all the years of neglect while married... Get yourself centered and you’ll have no problem.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/19 02:41 AM
2

Why were you dismissed from student teaching? Can you go back and complete that part? Otherwise get thee to the gym, get any job you can while you look for one you want. Start to rebuild your life. One small step at a time.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/19 12:10 AM
1

I would advise just the opposite unless the court has expressly forbid your vaccinating them. Vaccinating children (in the USA) is the expected norm and standard of care. No court (in the USA) is going to get angry/upset that you vaccinated them unless you have been specifically banned from making healthcare decisions in general or vaccinating them specifically. Take them for their annual exams and consent to vaccines. If she takes them take them back a week later and get them vaccinated. If tha…
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/19 11:17 PM
2

[assuming you live in the USA] Unless there is something in your orders that specifically says you cannot vaccinate them take them to the pediatrician and have them vaccinated. I, personally would not waste time, money or energy raising/fighting this issue in court; no judge would rule against you. Getting vaccinated is the norm in the USA. And: fuck her religion. Safety of kids comes first.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/19 11:11 PM
1

Not to be an ass but just make it work. I had similar issues and dragged my feet too long before separating. I wanted to have every little contingency covered. What I realized is that a) I couldn’t and b) I didn’t have to. There were plenty of people willing to step in and help out. I started asking other parents how they dealt with “x” (with “x” being whatever situation you needed help with) and got lots of good advice. Eventually I found my tribe or crew. We all looked out for each other. I co…
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/19 08:07 PM
3

Living well is always the best revenge. Live your life and grey rock her.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/19 11:34 PM
6

We request that your client does not speak to my client while at the residence. Otherwise looks good.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/19 05:16 AM
4

You don’t become a “part time dad” unless you let that happen. I made sure to call/text/facetime my son when he as with his mom so he knew that even though he was physically with his mom I was still there for him. And you know what - even when he was with his mom he called ME when he was anxious/scared/upset about something. He knew I was a full time dad even though we weren’t together all the time.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/19 05:30 PM
4

For the love of god (and the safety of your kids) get out. Seriously - if she gets in an accident when using you are going down the tubes with her especially if the kids are in the car and you know she’s an addict. I divorced my addict wife when her addictions/actions started jeopardizing the kids’ lives (she’d drive them around stoned/high/drunk) and my job (police find drugs in home I lose my license and my job; unlikely any reputable employer would hire me again). She didn’t give two shits ab…
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/19 04:42 AM
2

Agree you should not let him choose. Let him say what he wants about it but it should be you and your wife choosing. Also you need to get a new best friend; that’s a lot to put on a kid. Plus you are not his friend - you are his parent. There is a big difference and it can be hard to parent appropriately when you are also trying to be his best friend.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/19 04:16 PM
1

So you have a couple of issues here... One the relationship with the parents and two your with your daughter. You deserve to be treated with respect from the parents and they deserve to be treated with respect from you. Respect does not mean you have to take their abuse; you are allowed, politely, to set and enforce boundaries. If your wife does not support you in this, and especially if she actively discourages you from doing so, I would strongly consider divorcing her as this issue will never …
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/19 03:16 PM
2

Nice job on all if that. If you stay calm through the whole process and listen to your [good] lawyer you’ll be just fine.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/19 02:02 AM
3

If you have a joint bank account or credit cards that’s how she’ll pay for it. Remember those disability checks??? Mom’s get tired of paying for this stuff real quick. Lawyers can be $$$. I suggest you get a separate bank account at a different bank and have those checks (and your paychecks) deposited into that account. If you want you can transfer some money to your shared account for her. Congrats on the sobriety - that’s fantastic.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/19 01:49 AM
3

Yes it would. But to be very blunt... The problem is that the court, CPS and your wife all think you shouldn’t be allowed unsupervised visits. It doesn’t matter what you think - it only matters what they think. So you need to start convincing them that you are worthy of unsupervised visits. You probably only need to convince 2/3 of them that it’s safe but right now you’ve convinced 0/3. FYI - your wife should not, for your sake, be supervising the visits. She is not a neutral third party. She is…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/19 02:00 AM
2

My dude... apologies in advance but here’s some blunt analysis. This is not going away anytime soon. Not if your wife (and CPS) want to protect your kids. You willfully and repeatedly ignored/violated the agency (CPS) that had authority over tour children’s safety. Then you laid hands on the kid ... to the point where CPS told your wife to divorce. From an agency who’s sole stated goal is family reunification. Then you didn’t get a lawyer AND took legal advice from your wife’s attorney - by defi…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/19 01:09 AM
1

This is a terrible situation. FWIW she does not sound like a nice person and she sounds abusive; there are certainly a *ton* of red flags about her behavior in what you wrote. ​ Marriage should be a partnership and she does not seem to value you as a partner. If her behavior is making you so anxious you need to take something to help alleviate it (and there are far better choices than marijuana but that's a discussion for a different board) then she needs to change and not you. This sort of disr…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/19 08:19 PM
2

Her’s my two cents: Being BP1 is not the spouse’s fault. Failure to control BP1 is the spouse’s fault. Whether it is to choose to stop medications or to choose not take medications at all or to refuse to get help when getting out of control those are all things that are the afflicted spouse’s fault. Especially when a loving and concerned spouse is trying to help. If BP1 was not previously recognized by either spouse (i.e. previously undiagnosed) maybe you can forgive the first manic phase. But f…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/19 08:00 PM
2

I hear you. I had a few really shitty years. But in the end (and this is the important part) it was all worth it. I did very well in the final orders. And you will too. Short term pain for long term gain. Keep your eye on the goal line even when it keeps moving. You will win in the end.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/19 03:23 AM
1

My lawyer told me it was fine as ling as I was smart and discreet about it. I didn’t introduce any of them to my kid, dated on my days off when kid was in school or nights he was with his mom. Didn’t bring anyone home I didn’t know well. Most of them were friends or friends of friends so no completely unknown women and no one night stands. Obviously don’t bring home drug addicts or prostitutes. I know my ex-wife dates immediately and I knew some of the guys she brought home. She choose ... shall…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/19 03:17 AM
2

This all sucks and I’m so sorry. I hope you are documenting all of this - every day that you ask to see them and she says no - which should be every day. Every time she refuses to let them stay with you instead of Dayhome. Every time she goes to a babysitter instead of you. I would also be recording the “supervised” visits. [I’m appalled that she can supervise them - such a conflict of interest] If you cannot record them then I would document carefully everything she says during the visit. Perha…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/19 03:09 AM
2

Yes to all of those. But if you’ve only been married two years alimony would be for a very short duration if at all.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/19 10:59 PM
2

Alimony and such is determined after the divorce is asked for (separation/initial filing) and before the judges signs the final decree. In many states child support is determined by a formula dependent on income, % custody each parent has, who pays for health insurance, etc. Any deviation from the formula would have to be agreed on by both parties and signed off on by the judge. Some states have alimony calculators but many do not. Length of alimony typically dependent on length of marriage. Amo…
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/19 10:55 PM
2

Well that would be bad for her to do that. But if she does document document document. I kept a diary of things that happened so I could take it to my lawyer and/or court. The one time my ex-wife did say something bad to him (which thankfully I overheard) he got very angry and actually tries to hit me. I wrapped him up in a big hug and told him “... sometimes things don’t work out and people don’t stay together. It’s no one’s fault [you say this even if it is - they don’t need to know] and it do…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/19 05:11 PM
2

We’ve all been there; I became a single father about your age (from divorce; I got custody) and ALL my friends were married with kids. It gets better with time - you adjust, they adjust, everyone adjusts. In the meantime join some kind of new club, team, volunteer, whatever where they did not know you before and it won’t seem weird.
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/19 05:04 PM
1

No issues at all. He is happy and well-adjusted. At least that’s what the psychologist I took him to a few times said... Several things that helped: 1) Ex and I never spoke bad about each other. Whatever our differences and how mad we were at each other we never said anything bad about the other 2) I always told him what was going on - again in age appropriate language. And only as much as he could handle 3) We co-parented well. We could both be in the same place at the same time and not have ha…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/19 04:00 AM
1

You and he can get through this. My sone was only a little older when I divorced my wife. I was honest with him in age appropriate and neutral (i.e. non-blaming) language. “You’re mom and I love you very much and we always will. We will always be your parents and work together to take care of you. But we cannot live together and do that: we will have to do that apart so we are all as happy as we can be.” Repeat as necessary. Kids are tough and if your STBX is reasonable you will all get through …
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/19 12:51 AM
1

This really good advice. I would add always keep your cool and make sure to record, ideally both video and audio, any future interactions with her. But keep your head high and keep slogging through this - you will make it to the other side and it will be worth it!
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/19 02:31 PM
3

Second this. Leave all the emotion at home - stay frosty.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/19 01:49 AM
2

In general each spouse is entitled to half of the wealth accumulated during the marriage but also responsible for half the debt that accumulates during the marriage. So in your example she would be entitled to $50k (1/2 of $100k that was added during the marriage). If you two bought a house after you got married and the mortgage balance was $200k when you split she would be responsible for $100k. There are factors that can influence these numbers and a lawyer can give you the best idea of how th…
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/19 06:12 AM
3

Second do not get her pregnant and also that you need to talk with a lawyer. If you brought those assets to the marriage she would only be entitled to half the increase in value of the assets. Sounds pretty miserable and I’d be planning my way out. A lawyer can make this as painless (in many ways) as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/19 04:22 AM
1

What you do is total up the assets (savings, retirement (401k, etc) and the debt (credit cards, mortgage, etc) and split both 50/50. She can give up her claim some of your assets (i.e. $100k of your 401k) and in return she gets a $100k credit towards the house. What if you give her the house out of the kindness of your heart and then as soon as the divorce is final eyes she turns around and sells it and pockets the profit? I would not agree to anything until you talk with your lawyer. A good law…
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/19 12:37 AM
3

Just delete the app from their phones when they come over. Who pays for their phones? You or your ex-wife? If you pay it seems like you should have some say in what goes on them. On the other hand if she pays then her rules. And just to play devil’s advocate - who cares? I mean I get it - no one wants to get tracked but so what if she knows you went to the movie theater or Target? And all the better, for your sake, if she grills the kids when they get home and tries to trap them in a lie on what…
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/19 12:13 AM
1

In some cases only when one of you dies. I’m sure that’s the way it will be with my ex-wife. Been almost a decade now and she’s still pissed.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/19 07:26 PM
1

I’m sorry. She sounds like she has significant mental health issues that she needs to work on. There’s nothing that you can do to help her; she needs to fix them before she’s happy. This is not your fault in any way, shape or form. You’re most likely going to have to sell the house as part of the divorce especially given that she doesn’t sound like she has any interest in buying your half out. You’ll each own half of the debt that comes out of the sale. You may actually be entitled to a small am…
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/19 04:05 AM
1

Is it not possible for you to file a motion to the court without a lawyer? Or does she have a lawyer and you don’t. Would also file a motion to revisit support payments based on change in custody time. The weekends are hard in a situation like this. I have been a single parent from time to time (when she loses custody or just leaves) and it can be a struggle to get me time. Depending on the age of your kids get them enrolled in a group that does weekend events (like Scouts or church youth group)…
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/19 09:21 PM
1

It’s different for everyone. I was sad about mine (and more sad at some points than others) but it was more like waves breaking on the beach than a brick dropping on my head.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/19 09:16 PM
7

Look up “grey rock” - basically you completely ignore her unless she asks you a specific and necessary question (her: “child is doing “x” - can you get them at park”? You: “yes”) or you have a specific and necessary question for her. Do not let her make you angry. The cooler you stay the madder she’ll get. Edit: I can’t type...
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/19 09:28 PM
2

Sounds like it might be a glitch. I’d make sure to call the court ASAP to verify. That sucks about the $$$ issues.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/19 10:19 PM
5

If your ex is very very into litigation you need an attorney immediately available if not already on retainer for a situation just like this. I assume you have looked at the online papers - are they the same dates (i.e. six months ago) or do they have new dates (i.e. last week)? If they are from six months ago seems like some sort of glitch but you absolutely need to talk to someone at the court. Do not just ignore them.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/19 05:26 PM
3

You don’t want to do that and I’m not sure it’s even possible. If you would lose your job you’d want support. Having said that the judges look poorly on voluntarily reducing the amount someone makes to increase the support they get. They are not stupid and have seen this (relatively speaking) a million times. They will do exactly what this guy did - look at the job they could/should/did have and use that to calculate support. So in this instance they would use somewhere between 75k and 95k.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/19 11:12 PM
3

Totally agree with this advice. They can see you two getting along and co-parenting at the handoffs, soccer games, school events, etc. Stop torturing yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/19 12:32 AM
1

This is the wrong reason to try and save a marriage. You need to “fix” yourself before you can “fix” your marriage. Support groups are good. Volunteer, go to church, join some hobby clubs, join some athletic teams. All good ways to meet people and have fun.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/19 08:18 PM
1

Document everything. Then have the child support officer draft an official statement for the judge.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/19 01:14 AM
3

That she’s nuts and if she really wanted to preserve the relationship she would’ve changed her behavior before it got to the point that we broke up. Every single time I’ve ever taken a girlfriend back it has ended badly and quickly for the same reason we split up in the first place. Never done got back together with an ex-wife but I wold assume it’s the same (I was with some of those girlfriends longer than I was married). I would need to see very clear and convincing evidence of a significant c…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/19 09:14 PM
2

If you have any guns in the house, even if they are stored properly, I would move them to a friend’s house until after everything is settled.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/19 01:53 AM
2

VAR is a good idea but you need to know what kind of consent your state requires (one party or two party) for recording. If it is two party you will need to make your wife aware of he fact hat you are recording her. I’m sure your attorney can give you advice on recoding her. If one party then I would agree with recording any interactions. A daily journal might be very helpful so if she would ever say “he did “x” on this day at this time” you might be able to “actually that night I went to see Av…
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/19 12:39 AM
1

I think it’s more important if there are kids involved and the kids stay at the house. My own experience is that my wife left the house (and the children) yet still got 50% of the value in the final agreement. And I had a very good lawyer. As always best to discuss specific details with one’s lawyer and follow their advice.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/19 11:35 PM
1

She is making her decisions emotionally; you are making yours logically. You will never understand her decisions as long as you keep trying to use logic to do so. It is possible that she does not understand why she did what she did but that does not excuse it. Fairness and nobility from you must now be used to protect yourself and your kids despite how it may make her feel.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/19 12:33 AM
1

Get your own account at a separate bank from where are your wife has her account. Arrange to have your checks deposited directly to the new account if possible but if not deposit your next paycheck in your account. On the same day that you deposit your first paycheck in the new account write yourself a check from her account (if you can legally sign the checks for it) for whatever amount you think is reasonable up to half the money in the account. Then serve papers and leave/move out. I am assum…
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/19 12:25 AM
3

I do. Our marriage was not perfect and when I learned she was thinking of cheating (which was a complete shock and surprise to me; saw an odd text message and one thing led to another...) I saw a divorce lawyer without telling her. I had real concerns for our childrens’ safety if she knew what was coming as she had started spiraling out of control as she inched closer to cheating and was starting to neglect the kids. I was worried that if she knew she would just grab the kids and run. So one fin…
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/19 12:16 AM
1

Document document document - screenshots, recordings of phone calls (if one party consent state) and video if possible. I don”t know anything about asking the court to investigate it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/19 05:41 AM
2

FYI - Checkmate is good. Stalemate is not. Stalemate means you should have won but she forced you to a draw.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/19 02:14 AM
1

I absolutely second this advice. Also be prepared for her/her lawyer to say some pretty insulting and outrageous stuff - you must stay calm when they do.
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/19 01:59 AM
3

Do you have a lawyer yet? If not I would definitely get one. What she has proposed sounds unfair (assuming you have not done something bad like abuse) and shee seems like she is bulldozing you. It’s always best to be the first one to file. A lawyer will help you file quickly and prevent you from being taken advantage of; you really should not try to do this on your own.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/19 02:08 PM
3

So I hope you are right in the last paragraph in your post but my experience is that bad behavior continues after the divorce. She is who she is and unless her family is going to stay and make her behave my fear is that she will backslide into her previous bad behaviors. So, for your son’s sake, remain vigilant and continue to keep him safe. Congrats on the divorce!
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/19 09:33 PM
4

I agree with this; I will add that if it were me I would not have lunch with her.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/19 04:50 PM
2

Do you actually want to have custody of her, be present in her life and BE her father? Or are you mostly upset that this other man is being passed off as her father? Because those are two very different reasons to fight for custody and only one of them is a good reason (hint - it’s not the second one). If you are not willing/able to be her father I’m not sure you’re doing your daughter any favor’s by being a reluctant father.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/19 12:00 AM
2

You were so far past “enough” it’s just a tiny dot in the rearview mirror. You have no reason to feel guilty. Forget her, live your life and be happy.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/19 02:23 AM
2

Obligatory IANAL just a divorce survivor. Post-divorce spousal support = alimony and is usually determined via the use of a calculator (google Pennsylvania divorce spousal support calculator to see if they have one). It takes into account things like who is the custodial parent for the kids, who is paying for insurance for the kids (so if no kids just enter “0”), current incomes, etc. typically spousal support is intended to even out any income discrepancy and allow for the spouse receiving supp…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/19 09:12 PM
2

Hmmmm. Seems odd that she would be asking for spousal support given that she would seem to have no need for it (living in house that is paid for). If she had a lawyer and has filed this motion it would behoove you to at least speak with a lawyer before court. Most will do a free consultation and then you can decide if you wNt to retain them.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/19 07:01 PM
2

What state do you live in and how long were you married? If the income gap is only $400 it would seem unlikely she will get any spousal support especially if you were not married all that long.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/19 04:34 PM
1

You should definitely document ay time she leaves the kids alone - that’s a huge no-no at their age. I would speak with her about it to see what’s up and why she is leaving. As far as child support most states have an online calculator (google California child support calculator) you can use determine who owes who and how much. The amounts depends on income, who pays for insurance, who has primary custody, etc. It’s a starting point for any kind of negotiation.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/19 03:31 PM
1

So... I'm going to be a little blunt here. When your attorney gives you advice it's best to follow that advice. She has a lot more experience in this than you do. ​ Now with that out of they way I'm not sure there is much you can do about the contempt of court charge. It sounds like there has been unwanted contact between you and your wife and if she recorded you swearing or has a screenshot of a text message where you were swearing you're likely going to be found in contempt. Judges do not like…
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/19 12:48 AM
1

What are you in contempt of? (i.e. what does the motion say that you did that you were not supposed to do)
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/19 12:15 AM
1

Cars? 401k’s? Pensions? Any other assets she can go after?
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/19 11:52 PM
1

Nope - health insurance for kids should be factored into child support. If you are truly splitting everything 50/50 and no one is getting child support then she should reimburse you for the 50% of the insurance costs if you pay or you would reimburse her 50% if she pays.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/19 08:35 PM
2

Do you know for a fact she’s actually going on these outings? My ex-wife used to talk like this but never actually went. Otherwise no - grinds my gears as well. Or used too.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/19 06:25 PM
2

I opened a new account at a different bank. Mine was for mostly after the split; there was little spare money before the split because she spent it all every month (one of many reasons for the divorce). So right before I filed I set my paycheck to deposit at the new bank. She got a reasonable allowance each month - enough to barely get by on - but nothing she could get in trouble with. You may want to think about the same thing depending on custody arrangement.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/19 02:47 AM
2

Missouris is a no fault state which means assets are usually divided 50/50 regardless of the reason for the divorce. It does not appear if you’d owe much child support (caveat - unsure how the special needs plays into this) even if she is the custodial parent. If you are the custodial parent she may well owe you child support. If she gets a job paying as well as your you should not owe any alimony. If she makes more than you she may owe you child support. It really behooves you to document every…
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/19 02:27 AM
1

It does not appear you’d owe much for child support (not sure how the special needs of the autistic child plays into this) especially if she gets any kind of job. Looks like Missouri is a no fault divorce state so If she gets a great paying job (more than you make) she may owe you alimony... What I don’t know is if it’s mom-friendly, dad-friendly or neutral. Of course you should talk to a lawyer for specific answers.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/19 02:15 AM
1

How much salary does she bring in? Many states have a simple (online) calculator to determine child support. Missouri has on - I don’t know how to add links yet but if you google “Missouri Child Support Calculator” and input the data it will give you a rough idea of what you’ll owe.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/19 01:48 AM
1

Puts you in a much better position regarding division of assets. Specifically the house. You want it.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/19 01:38 AM
1

They get paid by the hour... more hours = more money
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/19 01:24 AM
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