Divorcing an Addict

fxdbmgtow · 2019-07-24T02:01:45+00:00

Went through very similar shit minus 2 kids but no criminal aspect to it. 18 married, 23 together, never spent a day apart since we were 16 and 19. I am 9 months free on my own, child is 18 so much different story there as well. Only she can save herself, your responsibility is to your children, unless they're grown, you know what to do. Best wishes. Can confirm it will get better.

streetsmartwallaby · 2019-07-24T04:42:28+00:00

For the love of god (and the safety of your kids) get out.

Seriously - if she gets in an accident when using you are going down the tubes with her especially if the kids are in the car and you know she’s an addict. I divorced my addict wife when her addictions/actions started jeopardizing the kids’ lives (she’d drive them around stoned/high/drunk) and my job (police find drugs in home I lose my license and my job; unlikely any reputable employer would hire me again). She didn’t give two shits about any of us.

Not sure how you can continue to love someone who jeopardizes your well-being, your kids well-being and her well-being and not to mention everyone’s happiness over her need to get high.

Look up “sunk cost fallacy”. Also get yourself to AA/NA and your kids to alateen. She’ll never change as long as you keep enabling her...

maxouthi · 2019-07-24T04:55:52+00:00

Ok, going to throw this out at you. I was that spouse. Had my own vices. Anyways, her issues can be solved. It sounds like she is fighting two things, addiction and depression. She probably doesn't want to be bad, but doesn't know how to pull herself together. So, before you throw your marriage away, maybe try this out.

#1. Addiction to Opiates - The withdrawal's are insane for opiates. There is a solution to this though. Really neat plant out there called kratom. It squashes the withdrawals, leaving you feeling normal. Then you ween off of the plant. The plant can have a physical hold on you also, but it is very weak compared to the harder drugs. This alone might save your marriage.

#2. Depression - If you truly do love her, get her ass back in the gym. Get her female vitamins. Get her to start running or biking. Start spending time with her outside. Get off the smart phones. Start doing cardio with each other. Get a baby sitter for the kids.

If you truly do love her, you need to extend your hand out one more time and try to make it work. Your heart is correct that family doesn't turn their back on family. There is a solution for everything. She might fight you on it, because she has low self-esteem right now, but once she lifts that grey vale across her eyes and beats her depression through working out and cardio, she will never leave your side again because you probably saved her life.

brother_meowzone · 2019-07-24T16:54:13+00:00

Hey there, I know exactly how you feel. I met my ex wife when we were 18, first or second month of college. I was so in love with her. Turned out that our normal college and early 20s drinking turned into a really destructive habit for her.

Let's call her H. H always had problems. They were never things that I thought would make me fall out of love with her or divorce her until they did. She dropped out of college because she was depressed and not going to classes. She lost her job for drinking too much and therefore showing up late (this was the beginning). She pretended when was laid off for as long as she could with the expectation unemployment was coming. We would drink a lot but our living situation became hard for me because I had to pay for everything until she got a new job which took maybe two years. you have to understand that until then, we didn't think of this as an alcoholic problem. We drank together, early 20s, with friends; it was a problem with her motivation and lack of marketability because she did not finish college.

She always had a problem with hiding things. Refer back to the unemployment that never came. If that was shocking, shit, you should've seen 24-YO me. The hiding got more extensive. She exaggerated the effort she was putting towards finding a job. She got into debt I wasn't aware of and fucked her credit score. I had to fix and cover for all of this. I became something like her career coach and financial manager. Soon all the bank accounts were in my name.

Still though I was becoming upset with her, as if by default....I loved her to hell and back. I looked at her as the only woman who has ever been in love with me. I had no question about her devotion to me. I proposed to her and we got married at 27. I wanted kids with her.

But the lying and hiding became absolutely extreme. To avoid allegations that she was an alcoholic, she made up and convinced some doctors that she had multiple personalities, or some kind of amnesia. That would explain many horrible incidents that put her in the hospital. Two (two!) disappearances that lasted more than 24 hours. She spent 1 month saying she was going to a new job at a grocery store she just got...except she didnt actually have a job. Got into school for a certification, didnt go to classes. Why? She did not know. She couldn't remember, she said. The family and I were scared to death for her. I remember genuinely terrifying looks in her eyes when she couldn't explain where she was or how she got there, and how she got drunk.

I learned after the divorce that she was literally lying about all of the multiple personalities stuff. We had spent 1000s of dollars on doctors trying to help us understand what was wrong with her. I was devastated.

By the end of it, I was her full time driver (she had totalled her car, drunk) and full time manager. There was only so much affection that I could bear knowing the extent of how much she put me though. She has a right to claim that I was too controlling. I felt like I didnt have a choice. We agreed to separate while she was in rehab after an incident where she lost a good job for drinking mouthwash in the breakroom.

It has been 19 months and you know, I miss the hell out of her. I was perpetually heartbroken for the first year. I haven't found a new woman. I understand she has dated a few guys and moved in with one. But life is more consistent and more enjoyable. I've never been single before, really. You should embrace that. It is a net upside of the divorce.

Someone once told me "not your circus anymore, not your monkey." That's a good way of thinking about life after divorce with an addict.

If you have any questions or comments please feel free to let me know.

aragonleo · 2019-07-24T06:20:43+00:00

That’s rough man, specially with kids. I would divorce her and take the kids document her addiction for court. Then tell her she needs to get her head out if her ass and you will share custody.

Where how is she getting the money for it ?

Scooter444 · 2019-07-24T18:02:24+00:00

I didn’t take that chance. And sometimes, there are regrets on that side, yeah

Title	Divorcing an Addict
Author	daxdom
Upvotes	6
Comments	11
Date	July 24, 2019 12:43 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/ch1218/divorcing_an_addict/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/divorcing-an-addict.819363 https://theredarchive.com/post/819363

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