Is there a scientific or evolutionary reason so many women are so negative towards their husbands after kids?

Important-Ad2741 · 2025-06-29T21:32:53+00:00

There were studies done, showing hormonal changes in women that made them push away their male partner, or at least made them less attracted to them. Evolutionary biology hypothesizes that this happens so that it encourages males to leave and inseminate other females, thereby increasing the genetic diversity, and therefor health, of the species.

probebeta · 2023-08-30T20:44:06+00:00

Betatization by a thousand concessions. Once the husband becomes good, does chores, is a good dad and does things to not upset her, it's already downhill from there.

I'm not an expert, but I think once you enter her frame you're already not her best choice. I think this is why they become like this. I think men know this but do it anyway...

ranger69danger · 2023-08-29T23:19:46+00:00

Yes. Same reason we always be after that P. The betterment of the species.

UbiquitousFlounder · 2023-08-29T22:15:03+00:00

My wife was very negative about everything, her job, the house, housework, (I did most of the cleaning), lack of romance, (she spent most of her time watching TV and complaining, rejected any attempts at physical touch, so I gave that up after 10 years or so). It got to the point where I just couldn't help her and had to try and salvage what was left of my life

boltmaker12 · 2023-08-29T20:14:13+00:00

I'm not even married to her, we do t even have kids together. We both had kids on our own before we met. We've been together 6 years. I never wanted to move in because I knew all the nitpicking would start. 7 months ago I lost my apartment and it was too hard to afford another with paying child support. So I chose to move in. I can't wait to move out so we can rekindle the relationship. Really nice girl. Wonderful personality. She just can't help being a women and getting after me about dishes and shit. I gave her shit right back and told her no. She started leaving me little requests of things I could get done while she was working during my day off. It was a simple task but I told her no because I'm not doing the honey do list thing.

Acrobatic_Access_905 · 2023-08-29T19:13:43+00:00

They got what they wanted and now they want us gone. They are instinctively built to get the seed then focus on the children. Just like a praying mantis or a black widow.

Memorex87 · 2023-08-29T18:20:25+00:00

Hey OP the answers to your questions are all discussed in detail here: The Unplugged Alpha by Richard Cooper. You’re welcome 💪🏼

RideATX · 2023-08-29T17:16:15+00:00

When the kids hit ~5 years old is when they walk away... I don't know why, but that seems to be the magic number. Probably has to do with them starting school and becoming more able to take care of their own needs. The Moms realize that the wall is looming and it freaks them out.

MGTOWManofMystery · 2023-08-29T15:59:40+00:00

Yes, Briffault's Law - a theory that suggests that in relationships between men and women, the woman determines the terms of the relationship and that any association between the man and woman will only occur if the woman derives some benefit from the association.

You were the resource or tingles provider. Not anymore. So you are worse than nothing to them.

berniefl44 · 2023-08-29T14:28:04+00:00

Yup , many women just want the man to have kids and then kick the man to the curb. They either then get another man or actually end up raising the kids on their own. Mine time me she doesn’t another man after the way I “treated “ her and wants to raise the kids all by herself . Go figure …

maybebionic · 2023-08-29T13:13:28+00:00

Women, children, and dogs experience unconditional love. Men experience love under the condition that they provide something tangible.

henrycatalina · 2023-08-29T12:03:15+00:00

Before you jump to extreme measures, you might do some research. Gottman's books are very good and your wife should read them also. I'd skip marriage counciling and start by defining boundaries. Do not let your wife think that a deadbedroom works long term. Do not cheat and create more problems.

Explain to your wife that said disrespectful behavior is not acceptable. Allow each of you to tell each other what expectations you have for each other.

I think some of the negativity is a test. Much of the time, it is just a dumping of emotions, and if you just acknowledge and move on without being rattled, the result may be better.

Think long term and do not get hung up on today's events. Paint the vision of the future for your wife that is realistic. Not dreams.

Get stuff done without being asked and do not expect to be recognized. But, tell your wife thank you for things she does, and you think each of you doing this helps.

Capable-Teach-1062 · 2023-08-29T09:37:56+00:00

Communicate. Tell her straight up your issues and problems and if she’s gonna take your life hostage with sex and other things in life move on to someone who will appreciate you for you

SatinsLittlePrincess · 2023-08-29T05:16:49+00:00

Parenting adds an enormous amount of stress to any responsible parent’s life. It also means sleep deprivation, and a whole bunch of added work, often in areas that most people do not enjoy - like diaper changing, or cleaning, or cooking for people who complain that they’re not getting Oreos for dinner. And, having kids often amplifies inequities in a marriage which makes them far more obvious.

Research has shown that stress makes people more irritable. They are less able to control their reactions when something annoys them. Sleep deprivation also makes people more irritable. So you combine stress with sleep deprivation, and yeah, most parents are going to have some spanners thrown into their relationship when they have a kid.

The added workload means new parents have less time and energy to decompress, and often, their go-to stress release valves (like going for a walk alone, or hanging out with a friend, or drinking, or playing a video game for a few hours) are far less easily accessible. And so parents are less able to manage their stress. And research has shown people who don’t have access to their stress relief mechanisms get more irritable.

And if you have a choice between taking your stress out on a kid or taking the stress out on an adult, the right choice is an adult especially if that adult is a source of your stress and irritation. Which brings me to…

Research has also shown that, in most straight couples, gendered splits in chore distribution are amplified with parenting. First, most straight couples split chores unequally with a heavy skew (60-80%) of household stuff landing on her. And that sucks for her when she’s half of a childless couple, and she’s doing 6 hours of housework to his 4. But the skew both gets worse, and there are more hours of work that have to be completed when you add a kid.

So instead of splitting, say, 10 hours of housework, they’re splitting 40+ hours of housework and co-parenting and instead of increasing his contribution to make up the gap from wherever he was, he drops another 10%… she’s looking at increasing her total hours of household effort from 6-8 hours to 28-36 hours while watching him expecting her to be grateful that he increased his total hours from 3 - 4 up to 4 -12. And yeah, from his perspective he has really stepped up - he’s doing, often, double the work he was doing before. But from hers? Nope.

And mothers tend to know that a toddler is not capable of meaningfully contributing to the household. But she knows her husband is capable of doing the same stuff she is, and is letting her down over and over and over.

So… yeah, of course a lot of women end up resenting her husband when they have a child.

Saulzy · 2023-08-29T03:20:00+00:00

Literally story of my life. Wife's mind broke after our child was born. No idea why.

northdakotact · 2023-08-29T03:13:00+00:00

I think in this new reality where woman can throw you away so you become a financial sponsor, and she gets to keep the kids and not share them. This is something they prefer. And remember, if she remarries, those kids will remain HER children.

Become_Pneuma · 2023-08-29T03:10:41+00:00

Let me guess… she called you a narcissist too? Willing to bet my life on it.

MadMatter_132999 · 2023-08-29T03:10:41+00:00

They definitely turn off the sex drive at two stages. Right at marriage. Right when the kid is born. I honestly think it's a thing of selfishness. They got what they want, now you're nothing more than the food on plate and roof overhead at best. At worst they listen to their strong empowered friends who say "you don't need him!" and then they bail.

Honestly if they get to that latter stage the only thing that needs my support is the kid but we live in a hypocritical world... so you lose half of your shit and get to support her for alimony while she latched onto some other idiot and gets dicked down by someone else to fill that empty hole (in her heart and elsewhere).

Throwawaysi1234 · 2023-08-29T02:55:52+00:00

I say this as someone who has read a lot of David Buss. He focuses a lot on relationships between men and women and is considered the founding father of evolutionary psychology. I also say this as someone whose wife cheated on him 8 months after the first baby was born.

Abso-fucking-lutley Not

During the evolutionary epoch of man (and in many othet species), women evolved to seek men for a variety of reasons but the biggest underlying reason was that they expected the man would contribute to the family in the form of goods that would lead to better survival/reproductive success for the children.

Basically if you're on the Plains of Africa, the jungles of Asia, or where else humans evolved, you want a man who can accumulate food and other resources (like clothes, tools) and supply your family.

Women evolved a preference for men who were in this sense "wealthy" or appeared to have potential for it. A lot of other desirable traits correspond to this like physical size, kindness and social standing.

The reason that women often hit the divorce button after children has a lot less to do with their evolved predispositions and more to do with a mixture of thoughts both reasonable and unreasonable

The reasonable concern that most women develop is that babies are a shit load of work. Women on average do about 3 times as much housework as men do (although men spend more time at their job and bring in more money)

Babies also cost a shit load of money and need a shit load of attention.

So if there was a disparity in housework before the baby, it often gets massively amplified after the baby.

Money that used to be spent on the wife is now directed toward the baby

Attention that the husband directed toward the wife is often now directed toward the baby.

Physically people break down from the lack of sleep and time to relax or take care of themselves.

Hungry, tired women who don't get the same attention and gifts and who may feel they're being overworked in the same house as a man who is likely struggling with a lot of the same. That's where a lot of that comes from. And the resentful wife is not a horny wife.

My wife has no justification possible for why she cheated on me, but she was definitely less happy after the baby which raised the probability of her cheating. I believe I was doing a pretty admirable job as a father and husband, but the whole thing was just too much for her so she found her escape in her affair.

She thought she was paying more than I was on the monthly expenses. That wasn't true after I sat down and wrote out the expenses. Unfortunately I didn't do that until after d-day

She thought she was doing all the housework but as near as I can tell we were pretty close to equal.

She experienced a lot more work and a lot more bills and drew the wrong conclusion that her plight must have been a result of my failure rather than the change in our situation post baby

upvotersfortruth · 2023-08-29T02:44:42+00:00

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/28942215/

Here's a starting point. But most of the studies I've found in a quick search are "postpartum" only up to 18 months post natal.

_vinland_ · 2023-08-29T02:23:56+00:00

Because what's most attractive to her is a man who is able to walk away. You can't, at least not easily

Training_Ad1368 · 2023-08-29T02:09:44+00:00

Dude, I'm going thru the same crap. I already accepted that my wife married me because of the long term benefits. As soon as she got pregnant of the first kid she stopped working. After the second one she decided to homeschool the kids. That would be fine but we actually need the money, we can't really afford home schooling. Anyway, even after the divorce she will still get money from you for a while, sorry you are going thru this crap.

upfnothing · 2023-08-29T02:09:23+00:00

Women are designed by nature to be impregnated by different men. They resent you if you do not evolve enough to be different. Novelty is the key to the ovary my boy

Lumptbuttcat · 2023-08-29T01:17:11+00:00

There’s like books and books on this stuff. Have you started with the easy stuff? Did she get her hormones checked?

Suggest_a_User_Name · 2023-08-29T00:46:50+00:00

Father of two now adult children. Now divorced.

What I have seen is that many (but not all women) have their kids and believe it is “The Most Important Thing Anyone Has Ever Done”. They want to be stay at home Mothers and devote every hour to their children. Oh I have a husband? Well too bad. The Children come first. I honestly think these women feel like their children will be this way forever. Then as each child gets older, more independent and less Dependent, the mother slowly becomes irrelevant. And it goes by so friggin’ fast. By the time the children are teenagers, they really don’t need Mom anymore.

“Say…wasn’t I married once?” Yes but hubby is long gone. Divorced or so mentally checked out that he’s no longer as husband.

Signal-Dot2326 · 2023-08-29T00:09:02+00:00

Yea what is that, my wife turned into a monster under the guise of "PTSD". Like I don't get it I'd never think to do half the shit to her that she has done to me.

insanityisinherit · 2023-08-28T23:40:53+00:00

This was my experience

The Golden Uterous

jkw118 · 2023-08-28T23:33:39+00:00

So I've got 3 kids.. apparently my ex had decided during the 2nd one that she was going to divorce me.. she waited 2 years after the third, to even tell me. The next week she was out the door.. My ex was negative at different points before our first.. but they were tiny things.. as the kids came she just found ways to do more and more... Her defense for these actions, was that at the time it was what /how she needed to be. Because it's what she decided was needed, as per her words.. i at most was given lip service.. and in general she completely ignored anything I said.. not because I didn't have valid opinions or anything else.. she had decided that no matter what I said.. she was right.. no other opinions mattered. So reality is she had no respect for me, as she constantly claimed I was the person she respected the most. And she didn't accept to deal with the hard way of communicating and compromising, as none of that mattered just what she wanted..

jnuttsishere · 2023-08-28T23:32:09+00:00

Because if she’s tired and stressed out from being a parent, it must be someone else’s fault. Can’t possibly be anything to reflect on inwardly. Nope, it has to be her husband’s fault because the kid causing the stress can’t be to blame.

pk2at · 2023-08-28T23:28:00+00:00

Its called lights off in psychology. Well known among biologists who study female mammals. Usually in periods of stress, loneliness and hormonal change, survival instinct kicks in and the female perceives her chances outside the herd or in another herd are better.

Males do not have this problem as their survival chances within the herd are better and also have no problem living alone

Rough-Area4765 · 2023-08-28T23:23:25+00:00

Tiktok.

Retying3043 · 2023-08-28T23:18:52+00:00

Look into evolutionary psychology for the answer to your question.

fishingforthought · 2023-08-28T23:16:25+00:00

You are following in the footsteps of many before you. It has been a secret because in our culture we do not talk about sex within a marriage. We only talked about it when we were single. Hopefully as more of us pass the truth to the unaware it will become more of a mainstream topic.

Welcome to the club, most of use here have been used and then discarded. FYI no one is perfect.

Striking-Trainer8148 · 2023-08-28T23:15:50+00:00

Stress.

Ncfc48 · 2023-08-28T23:14:44+00:00

Superb post and just keep agreeing with all the input describes most of our marriages and ex wives

iamnotyoutoday · 2023-08-28T23:12:54+00:00

i took care of the kids. changed all diapers. woke up at 2am for feedings. i was so f'kin tired that romance was not on my plate. i'm a dad of 2.

Key_Preference_4594 · 2023-08-28T23:01:18+00:00

It’s because Europe and US messed the world up with this non-scientific concept that men should do housework, and women should be prime ministers or presidents.

Men are born to face outward, work, frankly because they have the temperance to. Women are born to be motherly and care for the homes because they are attention to detail people biologically.

Once you try to get a woman to do man’s work, you sow disruption into a harmonious and more importantly biological set up, messing with the woman’s brain. Thats why you get so much more social harmony where my partner is from (Japan) and where I’m from (China).

But your western education has taught you that my opinion is bigotry and that you need to rise up with feminism against us. So in short the west is finished. Look at the divorce rates.

Dramatic-Ad7192 · 2023-08-28T22:59:23+00:00

They fall in love with the kids

steaksauce872 · 2023-08-28T22:51:09+00:00

This is like insanely similar to my situation. My wife was never the same after kids. Divorced when kids were 5 and 2.5. Nagged me about most basic ridiculous shit.

Sea-Shallot · 2023-08-28T22:47:03+00:00

Yes, you’ve exhausted your usefulness and she consequently has no need for you.

Plus deep down, women understand what little value they have. As such, they come to resent any man who commits to them since what man of value would ever commit to them.

Hence why they chase Chads. It’s a really perverse way of thinking but your fate was sealed as soon you married her (conceded all your leverage) and put some babies in her.

Now she has all the power and women fundamentally lack the capacity to respect men they wield power over. This is why marriage is a losing game fundamentally if you understand women and evolutionary biology.

PositivityKnight · 2023-08-28T22:30:37+00:00

YES op. Hormones is a big reason, they have fulfilled reproduction and the marriage needs to offer them something else as a reason to stay. I'm not a dr. but pretty sure you'll find that women around 40-50 experience hormone changes.

Additionally something I've noticed many couples are horrible at is - building effective walls around their marriage, if your wife or you have friends who put down your marriage or your partner, you need to cut those people out. Its something couples really need to be on the same page about, but you've got to foster that relationship like its an egg. Keep it safe from people who could harm it.

3 ways divorce rate drops 10-25% imo:

Couples build the aforementioned walls around their marriage, men and women who encourage divorce become ostracized rather than praised.
Couples counseling becomes normal, especially pre birth and after birth as the womans hormones are raging and the whole process of having kids is stressful on a couple. Additionally around the ages of 38-45 marital counseling sessions should be standard imo.
Divorce laws MUST change. Women have a huge financial incentive to get divorced, take that away and many will stay married. Divorce should be about an unavoidable irreconcilable thing like abuse etc. Not about "well if I leave him I can have sex with the mailman and I get x,xxx,xxx dollars....do I really love bob more than a million bucks and all the dick I could ask for? The kids are grown after all....

I mean we are in a bad spot, but we as men can solve it with some forethought. Prenups are required nowdays.

Noodletrousers · 2023-08-28T22:14:31+00:00

It is mind boggling. It seems to me that the social stigma attached to a single female parent is gone and there are enough harpies out there who will encourage them to abandon their man that they are prone to continual fixation on the negative to justify their leaving.

I sure can’t speak for everyone, but it seems like a common refrain that we fellas focus on the good in our wives and they focus on our deficiencies. It’s terrible for our children. I wish I had the answers, but I know that while this was the worst experience of my life so far, I will get through it one way or another.

I wish you the best of luck and if you figure out how to keep your marriage intact, please share. I hope this sun eventually dwindles to no participation, I fear it’ll most likely continue to grow.

ww3historian · 2023-08-28T22:00:41+00:00

7 year itch

monstron · 2023-08-28T22:49:56+00:00

It has nothing to do with gender. We all grow up with media, faith, and people in our lives telling us reaching certain benchmarks equals happiness. We check all the boxes and find ourselves in midlife and still hollow. Where’s my prize? No work on ourselves, no large network of supportive healthy friendships, less hobbies and time to self reflect. It’s a recipe for disaster and yet we’re told it’s a recipe for bliss.

Lumptbuttcat · 2023-08-29T00:44:49+00:00

“do I really love bob more than a million bucks and all the dick I could ask for?”……….LMAO priceless.

kitterkatty · 2023-08-29T05:02:04+00:00

Kids are hard. And forever.

GirlGazing · 2023-08-29T22:09:56+00:00

Read r/regretfulparents.

hoodbee94 · 2026-01-10T03:16:00+00:00

As a woman who is pregnant for the first time this scares the shit out of me. I would hate to see myself badger and alienate my husband (my rock, my everything, the most gorgeous man alive) to the point where he resents me.

We are talking a lot about how to remain a team and looking at examples of friends who have issues after kids as a what-not-to-do.

I hate the unsolicited advice I’m receiving and how my mother friends just assume because they have to nag their husbands that I’ll have to do the same thing.

Do you think it helps that we have a very solid foundation of being best friends who respect each other unconditionally? I’m seriously frightened by these stories and how common they are and how I’ve seen it in the flesh. Call me delusional but I am under the impression raising children together will definitely be the hardest thing we’ve done, yet the most rewarding and make us even closer than ever.

Luckily we also have positive examples of friends who are still besotted with each other and are extremely happy raising their little families. Sure they’re tired, but they express gratitude and positivity a lot more than they complain.

Level_Place_3988 · 2026-04-29T15:33:55+00:00

Yes, my mom herself even admitted it to me: She just married my dad because he was white and she wanted a white child. Once she got me, she ditched him in favour of the dark-skinned men she has always loved.

BusinessMap1799 · 2026-07-21T23:22:09+00:00

are all these dudes lacking logical reasoning?

Title	Is there a scientific or evolutionary reason so many women are so negative towards their husbands after kids?
Author	DeadBedroomRealTalk
Upvotes	87
Comments	154
Date	August 28, 2023 9:53 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/163zbyf/is_there_a_scientific_or_evolutionary_reason_so/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/is-there-a-scientific-or-evolutionary-reason-so.1229995 https://theredarchive.com/post/1229995

Comments

Abso-fucking-lutley Not