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Throwawaysi1234 Archive

View 8 posts and 375 comments by Throwawaysi1234 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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1

How'd the therapy go? A lot of that sounds like it could be depression.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/24 04:54 PM
7

The standard photo package: eating at an upscale restaurant at a winery from a vacation photo with pet at the park I wish people would actually include what they're passionate about in life more often.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 11:16 PM
6

Sorry to hear about that man. That really sucks. There is definitely still bias in the courts.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/24 02:25 PM
2

Eh, my ex's AP reached out to her first and knew she was married. He's getting some blame.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/24 09:57 PM
4

What do you imagine your lawyer doing with this letter except charging you $80 for the 10 minute minimum to read it? And then another $80 to reply in an email and say "yeah that sucks right?"
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/24 11:11 AM
3

Hell yea brother
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/24 07:38 PM
4

It's always seemed strange to me that infidelity is treated as either "throw rocks at them until they die" or "why would that be a problem?" With no inbetween
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/24 12:29 PM
8

Don't think there is a finish line for me. Still gotta coparent with this woman and the financial strain is going to echo throughout the rest of my life.
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 12:14 PM
28

I'll give you some specific advice. The initial "getting to know you" conversation is easy enough to start if you use the acronym FORD Family - what family do they have and where? What are they like? Occupation - what they do for work. How long they have been doing it, how they got into it or what did they do before Recreation - what do they like to do for fun Dreams - what kinds of things do you want to do in the future? Eventually there should be some kind of thread that you can follow in one …
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/24 07:23 AM
3

I had the best luck with hinge
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/24 07:08 AM
4

Yeah verbatim I got to read "I feel disgusted when he touches me" in her texts... cool
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 08:38 AM
16

"I don't communicate with my husband and nothing changed after a year? What gives?"
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 06:02 AM
6

Hey that's what my cheating ex wife did...
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 06:02 AM
2

Better than I'd expect given that my cheating wife told them the divorce was my fault She doesn't want them to know and it doesn't do me any favors to tell them
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/24 01:38 AM
1

I wrote it down and read it to her that I had already filed. She was cheating and planning to marry another man anyways. She just hadn't hit the button yet because she thought she could save up more money first.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/24 04:56 PM
4

You might be able to subpoena Gmail or whoever for the backup they used (phone number, backup email) just.might cost you 3k to do it
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/24 08:29 AM
2

I swear lawyers are a money pit that occasionally half ass reading the law on the side.
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/24 01:49 PM
2

So this reference point has a fair amount of speculation in it, but the facts are that 7% of divorced couples remarry and those marriages have a 76% rate of not divorcing again which is better than first marriages. My speculation is that those 7% include a lot of people that broke up due to addiction and the addiction got sober. I'd say give it time to see if it sticks. If you're separated, it's going to be much cheaper to just stay separated rather than finalize a divorce
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/24 07:10 PM
6

You want to get moving yesterday. You're at risk so long as you're not legally separated as she could do any number of financial moves that would be bad for you. The way your 401k will most likely work is that you take figure out how much each of your retirement accounts grew during the marriage and one person does. QDRO to make it even out.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/24 08:30 PM
1

In my state you could include repairs like that in the calculations for the buyout. Get an appraiser for the house imo and try to dig up the bills on those repairs/upgrades. The student loan thing might be ok if it was 7+ years ago but I kinda doubt that she has the other necessary components for a good credit score. She would probably need like 650 at a minimum, just speculating. Personally I kept the house because I had a 3.5% and didn't want to see my rate double. On the off chance she has a …
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/24 04:00 PM
2

How's your mortgage rate? It's just maybe possible you could do a loan assumption and then you do a quit claim on the deed. It's long shot but that would let her takeover without closing costs for a refinance and she'd be happy to keep a good loan rate if possible. She could then get either a HELOC or a home equity loan to pay you off. Thing is, she would need pretty decent credit to pull that off and I have doubts. My scenario was a lot different so I would try to find someone to backup everyth…
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/24 03:46 PM
2

Talk with a lawyer about the student loans. You might be putting yourself at risk if you try to pay premarital debts with marital funds. Is the mortgage under both your names?
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/24 03:38 PM
2

It would depend what documents you're looking at. With bank account and retirement accounts it's pretty easy to tell when times match up. If you have really good grounds for suspecting that the documents are fraudulent or altered, you can subpoena the institutions themselves for it. But be advised you're talking like 3k per subpoena.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/24 04:36 AM
14

I think that's more easily encapsulated as "loyalty and commitment" That's all I ever needed in the relationship. It was over when she stopped trying to make things work and I found out about the affair. I stayed with her through a brain tumor, a diabetes diagnosis and her business failing. I would have stayed with her through anything but the cheating.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 09:34 PM
9

Post divorce it's hard to allow yourself to be vulnerable when it comes to showing affection and talking about your divorce. It's for several reasons: if you talk about your divorce and it was too hard then you can be perceived as "damaged goods" which is almost what you're ready to label him as. if you show too much enthusiasm for a new relationship, then it can come off as the man bring unable to stand up on his own and desperately trying to get into a dependent relationship again it honestly …
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/24 10:02 PM
6

Try to get professional help from someone who can cut you a prescription. That was the turning point for me
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/24 06:37 AM
1

Why is she comping the entirety of the health insurance? Assumedly it should only be half.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 08:54 PM
2

My ex was kind of enough yesterday morning to give me the "we have to talk" so that I get to have that on my mind all day until we did the pickup that night. She wanted me to let her violate the terms of our settlement and take our kid to the same country her affair partner lives in even though she knows I'm worried about abduction. She claims "I thought we'd been building trust" since we've been divorced for all of 5 months... how about no?
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 08:40 PM
2

Could be a trap. There is a major difference between actually changing how you live and experiencing a short term jolt of enthusiasm. It's similar to the people that go to the gym the first month of their new years resolution, run out of enthusiasm and never go back. Real change requires developing entire different patterns of living over short term bursts of enthusiasm.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 06:14 PM
5

Yep. I also had full confidence in my wife before I found out about the affair.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 09:48 PM
3

Took about a year before I was really ready to get back in. Fact of the matter is that I like being in relationships. There were a lot of good years in my former marriage. One thing that sucks about divorce is it that it makes it easy to develop a negative outlook on women in general but there are good women out there.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 05:39 PM
2

The thing I would be wary of here is dropping it off yourself might put you on camera if that have a ring doorbell or security cameras
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/24 08:51 PM
4

My ex would be gone on hair appointments for 3 hours. Guess what she was doing
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 07:50 AM
1

As to why CS changes favor women, typically states say that older children require more financial support. So when the amount of support goes up and you're supposed to cover 70% (or whatever percent based on your income), your share goes up.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 05:07 AM
2

I dont know how much you want to know, but you can get a call log off from your wireless providers website and do a reverse phone search on any numbers that are frequent or at odd hours. This one is free but intelius has better results https://www.truepeoplesearch.com/ I ended up having to do that because my ex swore she broke up with her AP and I had major concerns about child abduction. It might give you some piece of mind one way or the other. Maybe it shouldn't matter.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 04:58 AM
3

Definitely this. My ex showed up at my house when I wasn't there and took our sons birth certificate. This and the fact that her affair partner is overseas really ratcheted up child abduction concerns. I also can't find my social security card which seems like a hell of a coincidence. At a minimum hide your important documents somewhere she won't think to look
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 04:39 AM
1

Also just as protection. It seems like something that would mostly concern women, but if she comes at you with a weapon then an extra set of hands is plenty helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 04:35 AM
14

She wants you to feel bad/jealous. Don't let her try. I also don't buy that her story about how she met him. I wouldn't be surprised if her being chatty with people about her relationships (including when there are problems) is exactly how she might have found this guy before divorce. Some vile dudes will hear a woman complain about their husband and see it as an opportunity.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 04:29 AM
11

My ex pretty viciously stabbed me in the back (metaphorically). Cheating, financial abuse, emotional abuse, the gamut. What you need to start with is nailing down what in concrete terms it means to "be friends" and what the reasons for each part of that are. To this extent, I've decided to be "friends" with my ex to the following extent: we can go to events with our son we can be cordial and avoid fighting we can help each other when it comes to parenting. If one of us needs a favor we're good t…
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 10:08 PM
4

My ex's AP spent 10 months texting with her everyday telling her about how awful her marriage was and how he would treat her better before they met. I'm pretty confident that he was doing it primarily for citizenship too because his Instagram was full of American flags and he just happened to message her on Facebook "out of the blue" after she married a US citizen despite knowing her since high school. Pretty vile behavior honestly.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 08:11 PM
11

It's ok to fantasize, it's not a good idea to do it. Might feel good in the moment but you'll regret it. Imagine anything you're doing being read aloud in a court room during the divorce proceedings and you'll have a pretty good idea about what the bad ideas are. If it's any conciliation, their relationship is almost certainly doomed. 45% of people who cheat in their marriages cheat in their next relationship. Only about 7% of cheaters go on to marry their affair partner and the majority of thos…
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 06:17 PM
1

Well basically the formula was this for 50/50 "Take the percentage of each parents part of their combined income. Then multiple each parents percentage against what the state expects a child costs each month. The total of the parent with the lower value from the higher value and that is the child support owed." In example Dad makes 3000 a month, mom makes 1000. So dad makes 75% of the combined income, mom makes 25%. The state expects a child costs 1000 a month at that age. So dad would normally …
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 07:29 PM
1

I ended up in the same boat. 50/50 and paying support. Part of it was the parenting time deviation. The formula for calculating it literally changed the month after my divorce and would have halved my payments.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 02:35 PM
9

I didn't ask because I didn't suspect until d-day. But what has burned me after the fact was her joking to me at one point in front of her friends about having a "sugar daddy" on the side in front of her friends. Her friends who knew about the affair. There I was laughing at the destruction of my own life. Pretty fucking evil
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 12:27 AM
4

I did the opposite and it worked in my favor. Basically talked with the ex most days. I dont think my case is typical as there wasn't a baseline animosity from her to me during the divorce process
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/24 03:57 PM
13

This topic has been a minor obsession of mine since my ex wife essentially blamed her affair in part on my not doing enough housework. Here are the stats you're referring to that show men do more paid work to where it balances with housework done by women https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2013/03/14/chapter-6-time-in-work-and-leisure-patterns-by-gender-and-family-structure/ One other interesting angle is that there is a big difference in perceptions. 59% of women think the woman does mor…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 04:41 PM
14

I believe the phrase mine used was "trapped". Imo, you hear a lot about men being "afraid of commitment" but I think more often men do this before committing and women do it after. When you can't choose to go out with any man because you got married. When you can't move right away because you bought a house. When you can't do whatever you want with your time because you have kids. Once we were all the way committed, that's when she decided she didn't want to be committed.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/24 03:32 AM
11

Sorry about everything. A lack of communication really is a killer in a lot of relationships. It was in mine as well. Sometimes people think they're doing the right thing by enduring whatever is frustrating them in a relationship and then it turns into resentment that festers. But don't beat yourself up about it. Things will get better.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/24 01:56 AM
7

It's hard to imagine even a serial cheater doing this. "Let me have all my closest friends be around for when I'm going to betray my fiance then pray that none of them let my fiance know before she commits to the relationship legally"
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/24 09:53 PM
12

Read her texts. She used the insurance money from a car accident I was in to take a "solo trip" that was actually to go see a man she had secretly been having an affair with for the last 10 months and was planning to marry. I filed the next day because what else is there to do?
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/24 03:34 AM
1

Amicable is good. Hostility leads to more legal fees and worse emotional struggles. But I'd say the big problem is that many times both people want amicable at the onset but then when they get into the specifics it gets difficult. Examples from my divorce: who gets to determine where the kids go to school? Because that parent might move 45 minutes away then pick the school next to their house. Which then gives the other parent 3 hours of driving to pick up and drop off the kids on their time how…
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/23 09:16 PM
1

Out of my pocket was probably 16k out of hers maybe 7 But it was all essentially out of the same pot of assets. It might be a bit conspiratorial but I think some lawyers are sleepy enough that once you hand over your Financials to them then they start getting ideas about what services you need in your divorce because both our lawyers essentially took us to the last dime. A lot of it was definitely not necessary like my ex's attorney filing discovery when I would gladly have just handed over all …
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/23 05:55 PM
12

If a woman asks if I'm divorced ill say "yes" if they want the story, that's not happening until much later. If you got filed on or think you're mostly at fault, they think you must be deficient If you filed or think your ex was mostly at fault, they think you must have been damaged If you are an open book on the issue, divorce is by nature traumatic and they will think you're damaged.
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/23 05:57 PM
5

If I put all the money I lost in the divorce into my 401k, I'd have 450k more at the age of 65.
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/23 10:47 PM
8

I'm against the grain here but I'd rather have been in a marriage with the caveat that I would want a decent marriage (aiming high?) I only divorced because I caught my wife cheating but on balancing out the pros and cons, I'd rather have a mother in the picture. Pros: extra set of hands for when you're exhausted, sick or injured. it's easier to get exhausted if you're in a position where you are doing 100% of child care and have a kid who almost always wants your attention Cons: needing to come…
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/23 06:06 PM
19

I hid knowing about my wife's cheating for 2 weeks while my lawyer got the temporary orders in place so that she couldn't drain bank accounts or run off with the kid. It definitely was not easy but was maybe a little bit easier in that I mostly tried to avoid interacting with her at all. There were moments that were particularly hard like when she was trying to pry me for money when I knew she had been sending thousands of dollars to her AP. Unfortunately the main thing just comes down to mainta…
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/23 01:35 PM
3

If nothing else, understanding why you want a divorce is a major benefit for your mental health in the aftermath. Not knowing why you got the divorce while enduring all the emotional, legal and financial pain will make it worse. In an ideal world, therapy would help you identify the problem and fix it or at least see if the problem is founded primarily in the relationship or a personal issue that you would drag into any relationship
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/23 08:57 PM
1

Which is why you just place a general internatjonal travel restriction. If they try to get on a plane, especially because they don't know if the kid is in the program, they get arrested. As to the rest, the perfect should not be the enemy of the good. More barriers is better than no barrriers.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/23 04:42 PM
2

It's a federal program through the state department + customs and border protection https://www.cbp.gov/travel/international-child-abduction-prevention-and-return-act
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/23 06:23 AM
1

My kid is in a program from the state department that will stop them a few days before the flight. It took 2 emails.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/23 06:21 AM
1

The state department will absolutely help you if your settlement has an international travel restriction in your settlement. It took 2 emails. My kids easily got into their abduction program and his mother will be arrested if she purchases a plane ticket to travel overseas with him.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/23 06:17 AM
1

DO NOT LISTEN TO THE PRIOR COMMENTER You can include in your settlement a clause to prevent your child from being internationally abducted. You submit that to the state department. The state department then enters your child into the customs and border protection program. CBP then puts your child in the abduction prevention program and registers your kid in Advanced Passenger information system which compares the purchase of flight tickets to information (social security number, name, etc.) for …
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/23 06:15 AM
1

and that He recently lived here (7 years) Is this a typo? If you meant "she lived here" it shouldn't matter much. If she has a lawyer you need a lawyer. Any way to get the judge to postpone? If what she agrees to isn't already a court decree, then I doubt you have much recourse for trying to get her to stick to the original terms but I'd definitely check with your attorney Do you think she only married you for citizenship?
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/23 09:14 PM
3

I'd wager this is probably not legal and could be classed as domestic stalking. If it's a one party state, I'd probably try to record the reveal of it to her.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/23 03:47 AM
1

The lock-in is also state dependent. In my state it's current debts and assets at the time of settlement. It was a mixed blessing because she ate my work bonus but also ate my legal debt
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/23 02:57 AM
1

Do not do that. I have not ever one heard someone say they were just speaking facts and it not blow up into an heated argument. Because she will defend herself and escalate the argument and play the "well you did x,y and z!" And say something irrelevant or unfair or whatever. It will only make things worse and make the divorce more difficult. It might feel good in the moment but you'll regret it when the divorce starts with an antagonistic tone and now the legal battle costs an extra 10k or more…
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/23 02:56 AM
3

I'd wait at least until there is a court order thst she can drain assets. After that, I'd say go for it. She'll tell everyone the divorce was your fault but at least with very mutual friends, you can be open about it
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/23 02:48 AM
1

Oh look, we've got a contrarian! You probably don't even believe that!
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/23 02:06 PM
3

I'd be careful about traveling, consult your lawyer. There is a good chance that you would either be on the hook for giving your wife half of what the trip cost or even be in contempt of court depending on what the divorce filing looked like. It can be perceived as liquidating assets and so on if money is spent on things outside of "business as usual"
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/23 12:54 PM
6

What really helped me was starting yoga. It helps fight intrusive thoughts, relaxes your stressed body and its not a bad way to meet women (even if only just to be friends) It was a game changer for me. Might be worth a try.
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/23 02:10 AM
29

Experiences are different from person to person. Sometimes there is nothing to fight over or both people hash everything out. Then they get a lawyer that does mutual divorces and represents both parties. They pay $500 and its over in the month. The other extreme is both people are at each other's throats and the lawyers milk you for every dime you've got and then some forcing you into debt whether that's 10k or 200k Mean cost of divorce in the US is between 15k-20k From my own experience: We bot…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/23 04:50 AM
2

Worth noting that the 401k will be divided only for the amounts that were built during the marriage. Assumedly the 401k grew while you 2 were married so you'd be entitled to half of the growth. But whatever the value was before then you wouldn't get. As always, ask a lawyer
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/23 08:06 PM
4

I had to ask myself the same question. She cheated and neither told her family and in fact just claimed the divorce was my idea. I took a pragmatic approach. What do I gain by telling them? Nothing, but a harder time with the mother of my child. She probably actually appreciates my not publicly shaming her which makes things easier. It's not just, it's not what is deserved and it's an affront to my how they perceive me. But divorce is full of swallowing pride and not doing what you think is just…
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/23 02:19 PM
1

So I got a few answers but one was more decisive imo. Apparently there is a term for this referred to as "backshifting" in which you match the tenses https://www.thoughtco.com/backshift-sequence-of-tense-rule-in-grammar-1689017 "[B]ackshift also happens quite generally in constructions where one clause is embedded within a larger one containing a preterite verb: i Stacy didn't know that Kim had blue eyes. ii I wondered at the time whether they were genuine. iii I wish I knew if these paintings w…
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/23 07:22 PM
2

I suspect you're correct if that means anything. But we'll see.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/23 05:49 PM
2

... I did edit the post and said I edited the post. You've kinda got me curious about if there is a specific rule for this. I'll ask the English subreddit and see if there is a rule.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/23 05:42 PM
9

My ex was a lot of that too. I dont know who she gave out her number to but based on the texts I found with her AP, she had definitely being hanging out with men and not telling me about it.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/23 05:36 PM
3

2 at yoga, one at a park. You'll pardon if I anticipate what a complaint about that might be. I understand that these aren't places with a given assumption for trying to get picked up, but I don't really see that as being a major barrier to the idea that a guy might be romantically interested. As a comparison point, here are the stats from PEW where people meeting their spouses Looking at adults whose dating days are behind them – at least for the time being – friends and family were the most co…
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/23 05:31 PM
4

I put it in past tense because the discussions were in the past. For example, if I say "I talked to a guy who said he was balding" it seems like pretty natural language to me. I'm not aware of if there is an official answer as to what tense is correct so I edited for clarification. Although for the sake of being pedantic, I don't actually know if these women are still engaged or married. Maybe not if they're giving out their numbers and sending out wrong signals
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/23 05:21 PM
12

I think you may have misread me. These women are not single. They are not divorced. They're either currently married or engaged. I'll clarify in the OP
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/23 05:02 PM
5

Probably not worth it until after the divorce. A lot of people here saying it's not worth it in a no fault state. I disagree. She is going to be blaming the divorce on you to anyone who will listen. You will blame yourself at times. Knowing that she was the one to break vows helps there. Here are options: you can log into your wireless providers website and review the call and text logs. You don't see the actual texts but you see the times and phone numbers. You can use a reverse phone search on…
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/23 02:41 PM
4

That's not accurate. The phrasing on this is incredibly confusing All states allow no fault divorce Some states allow fault divorce Some states do not allow fault divorce. The problem is the ambiguity in what we mean by "fault". In one sense, fault is a basis for initiating divorce. In the other sense, fault is a basis for denying alimony and/or affecting the asset split. For instance, Georgia allows fault divorces. California does not allow fault divorces. Both states allow no fault divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/23 02:36 PM
9

Yeah it's not really worth it. I ended up going to two weddings of close friends within 6 months of separation. Part of you wants to be helpful and say things like "at least get your house appraised if you're the only one on the deed, that way it's easier to establish premarital value." But it wouldn't be well received, much less followed. Everyone thinks it can't happen to them when it comes to divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/23 03:06 AM
5

In full agreement with what others have said. If you do thar, there is doesn't seem to be a basis for anything but 50/50
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/23 03:02 AM
3

Because she was rhe right woman until she changed
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/23 08:17 PM
1

I resolved that issue by including a clause that we would make reasonable measures to split transport times for school and extracurricular activities.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/23 11:45 PM
8

Do not have sex with your stbx, that is not good for your mental health. Do not support her for a year on her own. She will very likely still be entitled to child support for your period of separation and you giving her money now will not count toward that. Do not subsidize her entire life. That's how you disincentivize her from getting a job. You don't want to hear it, but she will probably be fishing for a new man in that year. You can file now but be forewarned that she is likely to not uphol…
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/23 02:27 AM
3

Personally I think the sticky is a good rule, but like most good/succinct rules, it requires some thinking to see how it applies to anyone's specific situation. Waiting for the divorce to be final is a good starting point for people who were hurt a lot throughout the separation. It's more about when the trauma of the divorce cools down rather than the need for a government documents. So that's what I would ask yourself. How healed up do you feel about this whole thing? Because finding out about …
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/23 07:30 PM
9

I dont have a ton of great advice except that: he should check with his employer to see if they offer legal coverage for next year. I didn't sign up for it and could have saved about 4,000 in reduced legal fees jf I had. he can also check with his employer if they have an employee assistance program that provides counseling. That was another thing I failed to check and could have saved me $500 in georgia, the child support commission is proposing a new guideline for child support in regards to t…
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/23 05:13 PM
15

This is the right place. A lot of guys here have been through the same thing. My best advice is to try to make sure that divorce is the last option. It's a lot more painful than it looks from the outside emotionally and financially. Trying counseling if you can. Try to do a once a week sit down to check in with each other and just talk about the things that made you happy with the relationship that week and what made you frustrated with an angle of treating the issues as the enemy rather than ea…
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/23 04:54 PM
1

Potentially not a bad way to get rid of alimony if he is in a state without fault divorce
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/23 07:43 PM
2

In the court of public opinion she definitely had an affair. But in regular court you might need to prove by preponderance of evidence to prove intercourse. It doesnt quite sound like you have that. I'd imagine if you did then you would maybe be able to get a 60/40 split on your assets and avoid alimony. Buy the legal costs would probably be something like 20-30k Alimony and a 50/50 is probably the more fiscally sound path even if you have concrete evidence of sex
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/23 07:04 AM
11

I think this is a real option, but here's another one. She tried someone else, got burned and regretted her choices once she got ghosted by the dude. She'd built up this imaginary overvalued idea about how great a new relationship with a new dream man would be. Then she got pump and dumped and got a reality check. if she's being honest about only sleeping with this dude one time then that narrative checks out.
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/23 10:53 PM
2

On a related note, I always liked going tubing once or twice a year. Did it alone this time. They always call out group names and total # of group members. It's a bit disheartening when you hear "group of 1" but at least I had a good group name "han solo"
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/23 08:57 PM
3

Hard seconding on this. Yoga is fantastic for dealing with intrusive thoughts and divorce is just a fucking swamp for intrusive thoughts.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/23 12:10 AM
12

My case ended up being a lot more cut and dry than most. Marriage was struggling for a year and I was doing everything I could to fix it. Up until I found out she'd been having an affair for the last 10 months, siphoning money to her AP and doing a lot of harmful shit behind the scenes. Found out on Saturday and filed on monday
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/23 11:51 PM
3

... I mean that's certainly a statement. I think women are more likely to file for a variety of reasons: 1) Finances they are financially incentivized by unfair divorce law. Your income doesn't matter when it comes time to split assets, then suddenly it does when it comes time for alimony and child support. Men typically lose out both ways. A woman can get alimony and a boyfriend and gain 90% of the financial benefits of being married while also profiting from her alimony as well. 42% of divorce…
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/23 04:23 PM
4

The things I would be on the lookout for: if having 51% is the determinant for receiving child support (even if she has a higher income) if having 51% means she has authority over parenting decisions. For instance, if she can decide what school the kid goes to, then she can move 45 minutes away from you and really screw you.
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/23 08:08 PM
9

I also think more generally people have it all backwards about what happiness is and how to get it. The human brain is a product of evolution, including our emotions. Happiness is basically endorphins releasing for engaging in what would have been adaptive behavior in our evolutionary epoch. That's a bit of a simplification as their are a lot of new inputs available that were not available in our evolutionary epoch and it's not a perfect system but that's the basic idea Happiness isn't meant to …
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/23 01:08 PM
12

While it's statistically true that men tend to not do as much housework (although spend more time doing paid work) I also think that housework is one of those areas that women will seek out as an excuse to be mad because unless you do a thorough accounting of who does what chores, then it's impossible to prove the complaint is a fabrication. My ex would complain at me that I didn't do enough chores but every time she would I could list a half dozen things I'd done that day. Her response was seve…
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/23 01:00 PM
2

My lawyer wanted me to answer everything but still objected to half the questions anyways. I think that's pretty standard just in case something you tell your own lawyer would make it a bad move to object. For instance, discovery might request "send us all text messages you have with any romantic interestd" well your lawyer might get this from you, realize there is proof for cheating and that it affects the fault in your divorce. They probably wouldn't want to be compelled by a court to provide …
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/23 12:55 AM
3

Equal access is typically grounds for dismissing a discovery request, as is harassment. If they can't show that you have better access or that what they're asking would have bearing in a judges ruling regarding either the divorce or custody, then you have grounds to object
/r/Divorce_Men05/10/23 12:52 AM
12

Moreover that "best friend" relationship has a much higher chance of changing than your previous best friends. If you decide to be roommates with one of your guy friends and it doesn't work then you just switch roommates and you're probably back to good once you switch your dynamic back. A wife will make you lose half your shit, spend 10's of thousands on lawyers and resent you for life. Your best friends won't go through the struggles of parenthood with you. Your previous best friends probably …
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/23 03:11 PM
15

My advice depends a bit on if you have kids, but here are some of my takeaways. most lawyers will not do half as much work as you think they will and will charge twice as much for it. Scour every detail of your settlement. My lawyer almost cost me 34k+ and then some in their mistakes. $350 an hour and they couldn't manage to remember that I was the one buying HER out of the house as one of the stupid simple examples. And even after that they pushed refinancing that would have bumped my interest …
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/23 01:45 PM
1

They kind of are where I am. It's baked into the "base child support amount"
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/23 06:04 PM
3

It's funny how much double think gets put into all these calculations "Child support is so high because it includes stuff like housing expenses" "So if her housing expenses get cut in half, then my child support goes down? "Well no" Some of this is gets complicated because it seeks simple blanket solutions to complex individual cases, but the trend always seems to lean toward "more child support"
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/23 04:54 PM
2

Ianal, but given that you have an annulment for fraud I think you have 2 details to look at: is she on the deed? If no, then you should be ok is the fraud in any way related to acquiring your financial assets? If she is on the deed, you probably have a case
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/23 03:45 PM
1

Thanks for the heads up, I'll have to do a deep dive on this
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/23 04:34 PM
2

I've known exactly one because the mother tried to trap him in the relationship using the pregnancy. He's an idiot for not using protection. I still think he's a sack of shit too, especially because he was physically abusive. But the mother is a piece of work too. It's just fucking sad because that poor kid didn't deserve to be abandoned or made into a tool for emotional manipulation. But he's 1 out of maybe a dozen. Every other father I've known that split from mom either got 50/50 or went down…
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/23 09:58 PM
4

That's fucking terrible. They seem to be working on the assumption that the kids sleep in the garage on the weekends.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/23 06:54 PM
20

Here's the benefits as I seem them: they get to abuse a double standard marital finance. A man's income doesn't matter when it comes to assets, even if he paid for 70% of the house, the split will be 50/50. Then when it comes to monthly expenses income does matter and now the man making 70% of the income must pay child support and alimony. they can enter a new relationship and not get married so they can get the financial benefits of the new relationship while still collecting alimony. they tend…
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/23 04:35 PM
2

So you never get a weekend to yourself? Am I reading the right? I'd only consider that if you know that there will be a massive commute for school.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 01:39 AM
1

How do you get involved in meditation? I've always been curious
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/23 01:16 AM
6

It's been my biggest gripe with the whole thing. My wife was cheating on me in an LDR up until she went on a solo vacation and I found out what she was really up to. She broke up with the AP 3 months after separation. There was a lot of bad shit that I found out about but I honestly might have tried to make it work if it weren't for that last month. A 4 week vacation where she banged some dude and 13 months of texting made us both lose half the time we would spend with our son growing up but wor…
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 07:52 PM
5

Yeah, my wife had a mostly long distance affair, but she also hooked up with some other guy I don't know who and that leaves me without knowing if there were even more. It makes the "girls night out" and "all day hair appointments" much more suspect
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 06:26 PM
9

My wife started dating someone 10 months before we separated... (laughing at my own pain)
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 06:08 PM
3

Which state are you in? I ask because georgia uses a calculator and the guidelines are currently under review for calculating parenting time deviations. The current guidelines are pretty bogus because they use "greater minus lesser obligation" as a basis for determining child support. It's fucked and stupid because it's like saying "dad has $500 and mom has $200, guess we better say 500-200 is 300. Give mom 300 and then they'll have the same amount to spend" when obviously that just ends up with…
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/23 01:05 AM
2

It won't be that simple for him. Here is from his link: Determining home buyout amount We purchased our home at the peak for 1M. My wife added 30k and I 70k. Rest is borrowed from bank. Appraised value of home is $810k, and I still owe $875k to the bank. That means there is no/negative equity in the home currently. I want to keep the house as I have already spent around ~170k. What is the right amount to buyout her part? If it matters we were married for less than 2 years. Edit 1: She is not on …
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/23 03:26 PM
6

Some more details would be helpful. Is it because you can't afford to pay her out? Your job doesn't cover your living expenses as a single man? Child support would bury you? I can help but not without knowing a bit more
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/23 03:06 PM
6

So many to choose from. I found out about her affair right at the end of January and had to secretly get the divorce complaint notarized on valentines day, then go home and pretend like I didn't know everything because she could have drained our bank accounts without the complaint going through court. That was pretty bad. Had to also secretly go to the ER because of testicle pain that I thought might be an STI. After explaining concerns about kidnapping, they assigned me a "chaperone" who went t…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/23 01:05 PM
3

There are at least 3 ways that the state actively works against men supporting their children and staying in their lives most stay at home parents are moms, so they will argue that maintaining the status quo is in the best interests of the child. Kids go to mom after dad worked his ass off to give mom the life she wanted shared incomes states work calculate parenting time for the higher earner in such a way that when the man makes more (as is the case 52% of the time, relative to women at 16%) t…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/23 01:40 AM
-1

It is 100% enforceable in my state
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/23 06:04 PM
0

Hard requirements: no history of infidelity ok with a prenup that establishes equitable child support amounts and a 65/35 asset split for infidelity open to a much more detailed way of communicating in finances and housework than most couple practice. Scheduling housework each week, coming up with a good way to equitably pay bills Preferences: equal or more growth assets/income. Like if her 401k is in greater shape and she has a house that's damn good has kid(s) of her own and we both take good …
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/23 05:12 PM
10

Child support is one of those things where you look like a monster for objecting to it, so it let's the law completely abuse it. The fact is, those dollar bills aren't stamped with "must be spent on child" and some of my CS has certainly gone to hair appointments, a new car and her lawyer. There seems to be an assumption that if that money doesn't go through my ex first, then I won't spend it on the kid myself, which is just false. And yeah, I understand the pros and the necessity argument of ch…
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/23 10:55 AM
5

I'm middle range income. It cost me about 16k in legal fees although in a round about way, because all my accounts were split it was probably more like 12k once you factor in her legal fees and that the combined amoun5 was basically split down the middle. The bad news for me has been buying her out of the house. That ordeal is costing my about 70k
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/23 08:07 PM
2

Didn't work that way in my state. The split was based on current values Which means my wife got to eat half my work bonus and I had to vicariously cover half her living expenses when she unilaterally decided to get an apartment with rent double our mortgage amount. I basically lost 9k in total because my state uses current values.
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/23 07:54 PM
1

It is not obvious that women would have a genetic predisposition to economic capacity as a desirable traits. You're right, I'm just saying it's not obvious However, the opposite of "money" is not "casual sex". I figured something like "love", "companionship" or "starting a family" would be more important Its also not a given that we can overcome our evolved predisposotions more effectively. We have an evolved preference for indulging in salt, sugar and fat since those were important/rare parts o…
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/23 03:12 PM
1

I was looking at a different sub and the question was about what you find attractive in other people. It's all "their eyes" or "their sense of humor". Same shit you always hear honestly. The virtue signaling on this is wild when it's not an anonymous survey.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/23 04:57 PM
9

The other thing I think about is we're only talking main reasons. You gotta figure that money might be in spot #2 for a lot of the "love" group too.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/23 03:13 PM
1

So if you're not taking this to court for a judge to rule on, then it's at least worth the conversation to determine how much she is likely to get from her pension and how to balance that against your 401k. There is a difference between "whats fair" and "what you're legally entitled to" and depending on which mindset you're both trying to angle towards she might be willing to take less than half your 401k.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/23 08:13 PM
2

.... well I have a lot to say on this 1) if you are what's referred to as a "shared income" state and have a higher income than your stbx, watch out. You will end up owing child support and how it is typically calculated in many states is pretty bogus especially if you are not the one paying for health insurance. My kids health insurance costs $120 a month. The difference on my payments before and after health insurance is $140. I'm literally paying more for my kids insurance than it costs. Let …
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/23 02:48 PM
0

General survey from 2018 still puts men ar almost twice the rate.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/23 04:45 AM
1

It's a little complicated but this is a good article https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-18233843
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/23 04:41 AM
7

Only my answer is in part dependent on if you have kids. If not "thanks" is fine If so, "you too" The first is cordial the second is friendly and hopefully accurate. 3 reasons: no point in antagonizing someone you're in contract negotiations with if you have kids, you should want your kid to spend time with 2 parents that are not quarreling but cooperating. If you have kids, you don't want them to be spending their time in a house with a parent who isn't doing well
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/23 08:48 PM
2

Part of me is definitely on the morality part, but at some point I feel like it's also a contract violation but I guess you really need a pre-nup to make it have the same impact
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/23 08:27 PM
3

55% of husbands make more than their wives, 29% is about equal and 16% have the woman earning more https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/ I think the reasons for women more often are numerous. Men typically do less housework and child care (and while they do more paid work, women appreciate it less), men cheat more often than do women. Those would be two of the big ones in my mind. I just don't like that we…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/23 06:57 PM
2

I hope you don't mind some advice in how to avoid that. Frankly divorce has been about 4x worse than any pain I've otherwise experienced in my life. It's like putting down your favorite dog every day for 6 months. That's about as close as I can describe it since putting down my childhood pet was the 2nd most traumatic things ive done in my life. Be ready to burn at least 15k in cash you could have spend on making the marriage work. I can add in citations for this by editing in a just a bit if yo…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/23 04:58 PM
2

Don't let yourself get burned by a judge with weird financial maneuvers. Ask a lawyer, they will have better advice
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/23 04:10 PM
2

Doesn't really work that way. First, it's the interest rate that matters more than the amount spent on interest per month. Paying down principle to reduce interest doesn't change your rate but refinancing does. Second, the marital residence definitely gets split but so do any accounts that are either joint or comingle with marital assets. That is to say that if you're depositing your check in the same account you're using to pay the mortgage, then chances are that that your money is getting spli…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/23 02:39 PM
5

You've often got better options than refinance. Refinance is probably about 10k in closing fees and it might jack up your interest rate if you got a low one. In my instances I got the mortgage at 3.5% and right now rates are 8.5% which means a refi would make my monthly mortgage payment go up 600 Luckily I didn't put my wife on the deed so I have options like getting a HELOC or a home equity loan to scare up the 70k I need to pay her out with. That means I keep my 3.5% on the original mortgage a…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/23 02:13 PM
2

Ask the lawyer "How will disagreements on parenting decisions be handled?" If it's done by splitting tiebreaker authority into groups, then it's usually educational, religious upbringing, extracurricular activities and non-emergency medical care. Education is usually the most important because whoever has that can pick where the kids go to school. If you don't have other agreements about how close you have to stay together or how transportation will be split, she can impose a hellish 4 trip comm…
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/23 02:48 PM
2

Since you have kids (assuming from the CS question) how will disagreements on parenting be handled? For me, the issues are categorized and each parent has half the categories for tie breaking purposes if she picks which school the kids go to, how do you prevent your wife from moving far away with the kids and imposing a punishing commute on you? If she moves 45 minutes away, then just imagine dropping off the kids to school each day is 4 trips - 3 hours of driving a day. For some people there ar…
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/23 04:06 PM
1

Do you have kids? There are a handful of questions I would add if so
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/23 04:00 PM
5

There are ways. In my case, I ended up finding a video on her phone (which will be scorched into my brain the rest of my life) so now I don't have to pay alimony. I realize that isn't the norm, but you can get the times and numbers for texts and phone calls from your service provider without a subpoena and do a reverse phone search. Then use that as the basis for a subpoena of the actual content and there is a good chance of finding something
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/23 02:09 PM
4

One of the many things that kills me is that child support and alimony is tied to income but the asset split is not. If you make 80% of the combined income, your child support and alimony will be higher because of it. Your share of the assets you've built will not. They really screw you coming and going. Here is what my ideal pre-nup would look like: asset split is pro-rata by your average income over the marriage infidelity automatically impose a further 10% differential and the unfaithful part…
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/23 02:01 PM
10

Only 5-7% of affairs end in marriage between the AP and the wayward spouse Those marriages have a 75% divorce rate https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/love-timeline%232 In short, affairs are a terrible fucking idea for the people that engage in them if their goal is to monkey branch into a new marriage Cheaters are also 45% likely to cheat in their new relationship
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/23 05:40 PM
15

My wife broke up with the AP 5 months after d-day She lost half the time she'll ever spend with her son, she is deeply financially troubled, lost half her friends, it's highly likely that any future partners will know her history, she got kicked out of the house, he walked off with 6.5k that she sent him, and she lost her car due to a title loan. As nice as revenge sounds, I still intensely loved that woman for 5 years and she is still the mother of our son. It's all just sad to me.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/23 05:36 PM
2

Well here's what ended up happening for our son's birthday party. She and I planned it for 2 months. I didn't invite any of my friends because I knew she wouldn't want to face them. Then a week before the birthday she told me that she didn't want to do our plans. The birthday party would be at her apartment and I wasn't allowed to come. This just happened to coincide with a disagreement about our divorce settlement
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/23 12:28 PM
5

Are you in the same phone plan? If yes, you can probably get your call history with date and numbers for her texts and phone calls. Use a reverse phone search and check for before you split up to see if she was texting or calling a specific number a lot before she left. If it's odd hours and it's a man, then she is cheating. Especially if the pattern changes after she moves out. If you are in one of these red states https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/no-fault-divorce-states Hire a …
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/23 01:33 PM
2

I dont know about the "don't share anything with anyone" business. There are pros and cons. Pros: I got great advice from people I got emotional and financial support from people I didn't let her control the narrative by telling people only her side of the story I told my boss and he said I could take off as much time as I needed and was understanding when I had issues at work Cons: only downside I've had so far is that since my friends know my wife cheated, she doesn't want to ever see them aga…
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/23 12:20 PM
3

It's some crazy shit and my heart goes out to you My best advice is to do nothing. Most control freaks are by nature paranoid and making a big deal about this would be seen by them as further evidence of you having something to hide.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/23 04:37 PM
1

The math for men in divorce is horse shit. My child support before and after insurance increases by $140. The insurance only costs $130 and I'm only supposed to pay 60% The state calculator literally runs on bad math
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/23 03:54 PM
4

I wrote down what all the bad times were and look at the list when I get too soft.
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/23 04:01 AM
4

Big same. Especially because in my state, every divorce (as I can tell) requires a non-disparagement clause where you can't tell the kids the divorce is the other parents fault. I'm going to have to pretend that my wife didn't have sex with another man who she sent thousands of dollars to up until my kid is 18 I'm worried one day I'll have a 14 year old that will blame themselves for the divorce and I have to hide the truth from them.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/23 12:32 AM
1

Which is why there isn't just someone telling the other person do something. It's cooperative as a means of ensuring timeliness and equity. "I'll do the dishes tomorrow because I'm exhausted" "I'll take out the trash the next time I'm leaving the house" The frog boiling and the rationalizations are where a lot of the mess comes from and that's not something "common sense" addresses.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/23 02:01 AM
1

I think refi is your best option unfortunately. In case things get ugly with child custody, it helps to retain the marital residence. Apart from the new high interest rate, you also lose money from not splitting repairs relative to selling. Normally that is split 50/50. So if you have major home repairs that a realtor would suggest fixing before sales that should also be factored in.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/23 09:01 PM
2

That's why you figure it out together This is not you telling her what to do. This is both of you figuring out what needs to happen and planning it together. That kind of communication is needed for any 2 people living together. It's not about confronting, that's adversarial. It's about cooperating by setting this up as a regular thing and not one person ambushing the other about how they need to do better.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/23 08:07 PM
13

Try this out: take 15 minutes every Sunday to sit down with her and plan out the foreseeable household chores for the next week. This helps with a lot of issues: it sets specific goals with measurable results it helps you both sing from the same sheet of music about who is supposed to be doing what and when it helps remove subjectivity from if a mess is messy to the point of needing to be cleaned or not it makes sure that both people are much more aware about if either one of them is slacking Un…
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/23 07:49 PM
1

I basically told everyone as soon as I found out my wife was cheating. 2 reasons: I needed people to lean on there were a lot of difficult choices and having a lot of brains to throw at problems usually lends itself to better solutions than one brain thinking about it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/23 08:16 PM
2

Yeah I would have done things different. Pre-divorce More understanding of our problems I would have just plain gotten more into the weeds of what we disagreed about. There was a lot of talk about who paid more on the bills and who did more chores around the house. But neither of us really bothered to prove who was right. I would have sat down and tallied up all the bills and compared it to our relative share of income or otherwise made an actual joint account that we would contribute to at rate…
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/23 12:33 AM
15

What also gets me is the crazy amount of people who are ready to jump on her side when they don't have any details. Like I fully expect if the prior comment I made was on a different subreddit people would be jumping to assume I'm an abusive control freak. When in reality I said I didn't want inflatable yard decorations. My wants and boundaries were always secondary if they were allowed to exist at all. My brother blamed me for not being on board when she wanted to kick my parents out of the hou…
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/23 04:22 PM
30

My issue was that 100% of how I interacted with my STBX had to be configured to match how she felt. Like "well she probably just frustrated because she feels like you're trying to control her and so you need to phrase what you have to say in this ultra specific way to mitigate the chances she will blow up on you" Every day seemed like she was on a razor's edge and it was my fault if I couldn't work with that.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/23 02:17 PM
9

Let me tack on to this that talk therapy has measurable benefits. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6224348/ Saying people shouldn't get therapy is about as dumb as saying that nobody should take blood pressure medication.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/23 04:10 PM
2

Well, I'll give the most non-bitter answer I can 1) find a woman who understand how to pursue happiness for both herself and you. If either of you is deeply unhappy then that's where the divorce is. But this means some specifics that a lot of people simply won't give. eat right sleep enough exercise socialize If you're doing those 4 things, its hard to be too discontent and if you are then it's time to see a shrink. Find a wife that does all those things. Do those things yourself as well. A lot …
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/23 08:10 PM
1

That's what I was thinking. Consult an attorney Normally if a spouse leaves a marital home for a year then you can claim abandonment. Might be harder if they weren't living together
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/23 07:57 PM
1

What state is your divorce in?
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/23 03:02 PM
1

Thats a hell of a trick. You'd think you'd end up in front of a judge for something like that
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/23 04:37 AM
9

All those jabs can be ridiculous can't they? I've been going through the settlement with my stbx and got a "if you worked this hard on our marriage we would still be together" I really wanted to jab back with "you cheated. I filed. Don't get it twisted. It wasn't my failure that caused the divorce. I deserve better than you. Thats why we're divorced."
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/23 02:33 PM
0

It's different for everybody. Some people have court, some arbitration, some mediation, some a settlement My best advice is this. Tell your stbx you want to wait a couple months so thst everyone's emotions can even out a bit. Right now everyone is a hot mess and that's no way to start contract negotiations that will determine a big chunk of your life. After 2 months, see if she wants to get a new lawyer with you to cooperatively work out a settlement. Your current lawyer is legally required to p…
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/23 01:52 AM
3

Not to mention good luck finding a woman who will sign a fair one. She's gonna want half. Only 16% of marriages have a wife earning significantly more than the husband. They aren't marrying you so that there is a 50% chance they won't make money off of you in a divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/23 12:41 AM
2

Nah, we're still hashing out the settlement. This business with the transport has been the last bit of contention. There are a lot of things I intend to do if it ever gets to court because the best I can hope for from court is a pyrhic victory and there are opportunities for things to be worse than that. So they're sitting on the settlement with the 50/50 split on transportation still in it and I'm anxiously waiting.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/23 08:08 PM
2

Yeah my stbx actually committed some related tax fraud. She filed separately before I did and took the entire child tax credit and all the mortgage interest as a deduction. That force me to itemize my deductions and I ended up losing 3k out of it. We decided to rotate on the child tax credit going forward so now I'm stuck figuring out if that $1000 delta is worth having my and my stbx's finances audited by the IRS. Probably not, so I'm just kinda stuck in a shitty situation
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/23 07:56 PM
3

7 months into the divorce process and waiting on them to sign a settlement sent over. We could have made it work, but unfortunately I needed knowledge that I only really built after she cheated on me and there was no turning back at that point.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/23 04:23 PM
2

She's also getting the child tax credit if she gets over 50%. Just something to consider. If your kid is 3, then that's 28,000
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/23 03:55 PM
1

I didn't look closely enough at how we divided chores and bills to see where we had imbalances. There was too much guessing going on by both of us and too much sticking to our best guesses when we should have sat down and gone into the details The marriage didn't end until I found out she was cheating but the cheating was both a symptom and cause for the marriage failing
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/23 03:05 PM
8

A little bit sometimes. I have a lot of regret. But it has more to do with how we could have handled our problems before I initiated or mistakes I made along the way. The actual initiation itself was just the last step on the road of a failed marriage, but it was moreso the steps that led to it that I regret. It was a road we walked together and both had opportunities to change course on.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/23 02:15 PM
10

2 things: how you act right now is going to determine how you view yourself the rest of your life. Ethics matter the most when in the most difficult time. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did what you're describing a major debt with no history of payment or activity that would show from other accounts is going to stink to hell. You'd be on the hook for felony theft by fraud most likely. You don't want to do that
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/23 02:24 AM
1

I actually had to watch that scene as part of a state mandated parenting seminar. They're both in the wrong in that scene and you can see how the kids suffer from their bad behavior. Seeing it when older really made an impact.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/23 09:31 PM
5

No thanks for the inflammatory tone of your response. If this isn't what you want to do in your relationship don't do it. But don't be surprised when standards of cleanliness differ and you fail to communicate concrete expectations leading to built up resentment. Men typically don't rate messes as warranting a need for cleaning at the same rate as women do and that leads to women on average doing far more than their fair share of the work. https://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2019/dirtiness-percei…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 11:06 PM
12

Yeah I mean I also have to figure a couple other things too for what I said previously to be part of a functioning relationship: my wife may have been amplifying issues because she needed a plausible exit from the marriage without admitting infidelity. She said several times in her texts with her AP that she felt like she might be making up all her problems as far as chore management goes, if you ever find yourself with one person always calling out what needs to be done then it's time to do a w…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 08:40 PM
26

Don't mind telling you my experience. My wife repeatedly said "you should just know" I should just know when there is a mess in the house that is bothering her and she expects me to clean it up right now. I should just know what she wants in terms of sex I should just know when she is playing games like leaving a trash bag by the door and waiting to see how long it takes for me to take it to the garage I dont know if there is as much a gulf between men and women in their styles of communication …
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 07:36 PM
5

You're still in the discovery phase of your wife's cheating Cheating take a lot of forms and isn't necessarily physical. It's really any time someone crosses boundaries in a hidden way with someone outside the marriage. Not say it couldn't be physical with your wife and Daniel already. Here are my tips for figuring things out: A) your wife probably won't let you see her text history with this guy. Probably not worth asking. B) you can probably figure out how often and for how long they have been…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 05:58 PM
1

Sorry I just keep remembering things that I figure you should know. You can usually get a log of phone calls and texts (but not the content of them) from your wireless provider without a subpoena and often from their website. This is helpful if you want to find out when the affair started.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 04:03 PM
4

I dont think so but for reasons I don't see commented elsewhere. 2 reasons: A) she is a cheater. My ability to believe she means anything she says is less than nothing. If she were to say this it would be something kind of emotional manipulation gambit like many she has employed before. B) Human behavior is complicated. For instance, my wife's texts with her AP have her describing that she just wanted sex. But why did she want sex? Was i not satisfying her, did she want the sex to raise her self…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 04:00 PM
2

I think there are many reasons 2nd marriages have a higher divorce rate, but I think there are 2 reasons that people tend to discount quite a bit. The divorce rate is about 60% for second marriages. About half of divorces cite infidelity as a cause of the divorce. Cheaters have a 40% rate of cheating in their next relationship, which is about 3 times the norm. Oddly enough, people that have been cheated on once are more likely to report being cheated on again. I would wager that second marriages…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 03:42 PM
3

Adding some more things that I found in my stbx's texts: a bunch of red flags that she was going to flee the country with our son that she was going to go to marriage counseling only to buy time while she saved money to move out that some of my friend knew about the affair and didn't tell me that she was lying to me to get me to give my car to the affair partner that she had secretly built several businesses with her affair partner that despite her claims that she cheated because I wasn't helpin…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 02:24 PM
3

As always, consult your attorney on this. IANAL, I can only share what I've learned from my personal experience. Are you in one of the red states? https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/no-fault-divorce-states If yes, check with your lawyer to see if you can request discovery of your wife's text messages and bank statements. If opposing Counsel disputes the request, you can have a court compel it. If that doesn't work you might still be able to subpoena your wireless provider for the c…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 02:17 PM
1

Things to look for in a parenting plan: transportation. If she moves an hour away, are you driving 4 hours a day to drop off the kids at school, drive back home, drive back to pick them up and an hour back? disparagement: is she allowed to poison your kids minds that the divorce is all your fault? tiebreaker authority for decisions. Typically you have to split decision making into 4 categories: educational, religious upbringing, extracurricular and non-emergency medical. Educational is probably …
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 01:49 PM
3

Just a thought here... but was this lover of hers from before the divorce and are you in a fault state? If the answers are yes and yes, you might be able to subpoena their phone conversations, establish adultery as the reason the marriage ended and then nit have to pay alimony at all.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 01:41 PM
4

Brother you ain't kiddin' about the higher earner being punished. I recently found out that I become the noncustodial parent on no basis other than that I pay child support in a 50/50 custody
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 01:38 PM
2

Custody is 50/50 But this might really be a banger of an idea. I think I'll propose it and if it works, you'll have really saved my hide
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/23 07:21 PM
1

No, nothing is in writing yet but its still a matter of either court or finding something she would sign off on in a settlement
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/23 04:47 PM
1

She would be in the same county, it's just a gigantic county. She is totally unwilling to have any restrictions about where she could live which so far has left me with 2 options: try to write in a split on transportation (which she has rejected) leave it as a matter for mediation after the settlement which seems risky
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/23 04:36 PM
2

The transportation is related to school and daycare. As things are currently drafted, she has authority on educational decisions, including what school our son would go to. So she seems to be angling to move pretty far away, then when it's my week with our son, I'm stuck with hours of driving. She is totally not on board with anything that would restrict where she chooses to live.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/23 03:59 PM
4

Big same. That's why the important thing to do is wait. I'm on revision 8 of my settlement because stbx changed her mind constantly
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/23 01:02 PM
1

I went ahead and applied for an extension so I still haven't filed. I'm talking with a tax professional once the settlement is signed. I would guess she did claim RE taxes My name is on the 1098. I'm fairly certain you can't split mortgage interest on your deductions I did live with her the last 6 months of that year and the kid lived with both of us. She agreed to alternate on the credit as part of the settlement, so I'll get all of it next year. It's not so much that it would go to court, it's…
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/23 06:31 PM
2

Part of my mind definitely wonders if this happened to me. Right around our son turning 8 months old, wife apparently started shopping for other men. Physical affairs with 2 and sending naked pictures to another. She mentioned several times in the texts with her AP that she never loved me. Her sister has a kid with a man she isn't with either so I can't help but wonder if she got the idea there. That all being said, a 6 year long con seems outside her abilities.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/23 03:36 PM
1

We still hadn't done our taxes when we started going through the divorce. She filed as "married filing separately" then claimed all the mortgage interest (which she actually paid none of) and the child tax credit without my approval. Basically cost me 2 grand because it meant I had to itemize my deductions with essentially no deductions to take. She then spent her refund money on lawyers so it wouldn't get split in the assets. I could try to claw it back, but that would entail proving the mother…
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/23 03:14 PM
2

I found in my stbx's texts with her AP that she was going to agree to marriage counseling just to buy time until she had enough money to move out. I can only imagine how that all would have gone...
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/23 02:19 PM
11

"it's the little things that matter" - if you're not perfect, fuck you. This was said to me after I financed a month long vacation for my wife while I took care of our son (she was secretly fucking her AP the whole trip). When she got back, I hadn't renewed her car tags. you don't make me happy - it' your fault that I've decided our lives weren't good enough anymore. Dropped on me after d-day. Apparently I was only worthwhile if I was constantly giving her dopamine hits. I've been building up re…
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/23 07:15 AM
3

My case and the case of many others is that things often start amicable and then deteriorate once each person's ideas about what an amicable divorce is supposed to be come to light or they get slapped by the reality of their circumstances. My stbx originally was going to let me stay in the house for a year before the buyout. She changed her mind on that and wanted all the cash right away She originally said she wouldn't touch the bonus money I was getting after the separation. She changed her mi…
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/23 07:01 PM
2

Yeah that could work
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/23 04:24 PM
1

I picked one up at Walgreens and mailed it in with just a mouth swab.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/23 01:53 PM
7

I would advise against "secret lawyer" strategy because mediation is not legally binding. If one side doesn't feel comfortable, they can just walk away from the table or the results. Showing up with a lawyer will absolutely lead to this outcome and then you've only done 2 things: spent probably 4k on the lawyer's prep time and the mediators time for nothing convinced your wife that you are trying to not play fair Try this instead: Start by waiting Get legally separated and wait 2-3 months. Emoti…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/23 01:51 PM
4

I would only divorce as a last option. A lot of people jump into divorce for bad reasons, the worst being that you didn't try hard enough to make it work. Plenty of people get into divorce and then 6 months later think "I can't believe I gave a shit about that problem" Would like to know the specifics of your issues but if you don't want to provide, I suggest you take some time to think. Then try like hell to make it work. Marriage counseling if you haven't already. As far as advice if you go th…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/23 01:46 AM
2

Yeah discovery is a pain in the ass. Ended up having to pull together something like 300 documents. The only thing my lawyers did right was object to about half of the requested information and documents
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/23 05:24 AM
3

My experience as well. I caught simple math and legal errors my lawyer missed that would have cost me 49k. They screwed up basic details like who stayed in the house and who left. They missed that my stbx had agreed to let me stay in the house for a year before buying her out. They started working on the settlement before they had any information. Just terrible. Wife's lawyer was also bad. Went through the whole discovery process when my stbx could have just asked me for the documents and I woul…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/23 04:56 AM
4

Sounds like you're doing things right
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/23 12:42 AM
2

I hear the hard part is actually that every case you deal with is one of the biggest things in a person's life, every minute of every day. If you're a one of those lawyers that is navigating a merger of two faceless pharma corporations or something, then I have to imagine the pressure is different
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/23 10:02 PM
2

You'd be nuts to take 7k One thing not mentioned is that any value she had in her 401k before marriage is not a marital asset so it wouldn't be split 50/50 but the rest would
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/23 11:42 AM
2

Thats the third sentence and it's super weird that you see someone suffering and decide to get indignant about their semantics
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/23 11:39 AM
2

So here are some things to consider: A) a house appreciates in value. Look at houses you might by and look at what they have been appreciating by every month. That'll sorta tell you 2 things: how much value you would be building if you bought now how much money you will have to pay in advance if you buy later My house grew in value 8k in the last 30 days. I paid 1.3k in mortgage. Having a house, even compared to living rent free, was a net gain of 6.7k in one month. That's more than my take home…
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/23 07:28 PM
5

Just want to point out that this is my experience as well STBX made a lot of claims about divorcing over division of housework, bills and power dynamics in the house. She'd actually been having an affair for almost a year and sending her affair partner thousands of dollars and then started taking out huge loans in what I believe are plans to flee the country
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/23 05:35 PM
1

I can't say I've "caught it in time" yet. It's extremely difficult to actually get law enforcement to help because by the time something illegal has happened its already too late.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/23 08:47 PM
1

And wherein any of that is it for "no fault"?
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/23 08:22 PM
2

Cool, provide one that proves your point and offer argumentation that isn't strictly contradiction
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/23 07:09 PM
1

Citation for a no fault divorce where a judge may choose to not award alimony or an equal asset split please on the basis of infidelity please?
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/23 07:08 PM
0

Depends on the state. No fault state divorces have 0 effect for alimony or asset split https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/divorce/divorce-basics/no-fault-versus-fault-divorce.htm
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/23 06:51 PM
1

Negative, fault is still the correct term for determinations on asset split and alimony https://www.divorcenet.com/resources/divorce/divorce-basics/no-fault-versus-fault-divorce.htm
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/23 06:50 PM
2

It's a tradeoff on the whole moving out things even under normal circumstances. Assets end up split based on current values rather than at the time of separation. My STBX moved out and got an apartment. Which includes a down payment and months of unneeded rent. I figure I've got to be in the hole about 5k since she has spent about 10k on all of that. That being said, I think I'm a lot better off mentally for not having her in the house.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/23 05:53 PM
4

Yeah I can't say much about the abduction thing because it's an ongoing concern and God knows a spicy reddit comment isn't worth the risk of losing my kid, but one thing I forgot to mention is that another reason to keep the evidence is because cheaters are liars by definition My stbx tried to brow beat me into deleting the evidence (which I didnt) and has been lying to family and friends that the divorce was my idea (mentioning nothing of the affair) and that I'd been taking advantage of her in…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/23 05:48 PM
14

Having gone through the same thing, I'll give you my best advice: A) if you have copies of it, keeps those copies. It sounds horrible and like material you would re-traumatize yourself with but you want to go through at least all the texts and hold on to the videos if you are in a fault divorce state. It can change the asset split in the divorce and get rid of alimony. You want to go through the texts because the re are likely to be secrets that you will want to know. Here are the things I found…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/23 04:13 PM
3

Courts would only care about the new guy if (according to my experience) this guy is in a fault state the affair was the cause of the divorce OP can prove they had sex OP has not had sex with STBX after finding out about the affair (this is considered reconciliation in my state) In my own case, I had videos, texts and photos proving all the above and filed the first business day after I found out. It saved me alimony and if this thing goes to court, it might get me about 15k in more asset value …
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/23 03:59 PM
2

The new guy only matter if you are in a fault state and you can show it was prior to separation/the cause of your divorce. Each state may vary on what you need to prove. In my state it was penetrative sex. Consult a lawyer. Some things to consider: depending the state infidelity can affect the asset split and alimony. The split at best would probably end up 60/40 though and alimony won't be much if you make about the same income settlements have to go through judges and judges can reject settlem…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/23 03:51 PM
2

My wife must have anticipated she would die of unforeseeable causes in 2 and a half years for the " til death do us part" vow.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/23 04:25 AM
1

Lol me too. Even with my stbx and I generally agreeing in terms, here I am 5 months later and no settlement because: there is a shit load of paperwork: STBX's lawyer convinced her to request discovery for hundreds of documents, drfa, the divorce complaint, the response to divorce complaint STBX changed her mind several times causing revisions lawyer screwed up the settlement drafts on about half of what they put into it (like who was supposed to be buying out the other on the house, the values o…
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/23 01:58 PM
7

Yep, divorce lawyers are such a fucked up paradox. You need one to not get screwed but they screw you anyways.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/23 12:30 PM
1

They primarily base the letter off the country in question but they'll want as much info as possible
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/23 04:26 AM
1

I think you'd have to get the decree modified in advance. After that you reach out to the state department who can have your child added to a program called APIS that compared flight manifests to their records and issues alerts. What I would recommend is contacting the national center for missing and exploitrd children https://www.missingkids.org/ They can open a prevention case for you and write a letter to the court
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/23 12:33 PM
6

The counter argument for the kids is that kids need models for what a healthy relationship looks like. If their primary experience with romantic relationships is deeply dysfunctional then they will carry that dysfunction into their own relationships. Unhealthy relationship dynamics like yelling, neglect, abuse etc. become normative. I remember my mother used to yell at my father every night. My coping mechanism was to treat it like it was supposed to be funny. I remember being in my early 20's a…
/r/Divorce_Men21/06/23 03:29 PM
6

Big thumbs up. Not being able to do things you want to do because you're afraid of her is the actual control issue here. You control yourself and she can't just demand you back into her life.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/23 06:48 PM
9

Give it some more time. There is basically a pendulum if "It's all my fault" and "it's all her fault" that swings back and forth in your head for a while. Those two extremes are usually never entirely true. Learn from what you did wrong, but don't put her on a pedestal. It's probably not the case that she did not wrong and tried her best to save the relationship
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/23 01:41 PM
1

You can't just subpoena anything. The first thing they would try to do is issue a formal discovery request which you could deny on grounds of harassment The second thing they could do is go to a judge who would deny their request for a subpoena.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/23 11:02 AM
3

It's a huge decision and it's going to be painful either way. Take some time to think about it. Seek wisdom from friends with first hand knowledge of your situation. Once you've had time to think, thrown another brain or two at the problem and are confident that how you feel is persistent, make your choice. If you decide to go ahead with the divorce, then keep in perspective that it's because it's unfair to both you and her to stay in a bad marriage and that you both have opportunities to have h…
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/23 08:31 PM
2

Based on your description, it indeed may be time to take that step. Is there anything she could do to change how you feel?
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/23 08:19 PM
20

Same thing happened to me. Wife had a secret lover for 10 months and I unintentionally bankrolled a month long overseas trip for them. Here's what you need to do: collect evidence. From her phone, from your bank accounts. Sounds like you already have evidence for denying alimony and a favorable asset split due to infidelity if you're in an at fault state. change your passwords to everything get a lawyer to file a divorce complaint that prevents the draining of bank accounts. Wait 2-3 months. The…
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/23 08:06 PM
2

Quit being condescending. Nobody wants to have a debate with someone that acts like the other part just "needs to be taught" and it makes you sound like a twat. Quit telling me to go find conclusions and evidence for your own arguments. If you've got a point to make say it plain and bother to link any evidence needed
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/23 05:40 PM
1

Lol, love when people tell me "just Google it" No regard for how many divorces have no alimony or for men who are too proud to pursue it. The data you are referring to is a census pull which yielded that 400,000 people were receiving alimony and indeed 3% were men, 97% women. But how many people are divorced? Country has 330 million people with a divorce rate of 50% but only .1% of Americans are receiving alimony
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/23 05:12 PM
2

Hmm yeah that sounds like a reasonable grounds for divorce but I still think that there is a possibility for making it work. My best advice is to figure out what it is you want her to change if you do want to make it work. It has to be goals that are measurable, specific, achievable and have considerations for time. Goals like: "do a couples counseling session with me every other week for 3 months" "find a hobby for us to do and we spend 10 hours over the next 3 months doing it" The results of f…
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/23 03:56 PM
1

I mean this is all pretty light on details so it's hard to say whether or not how you're feeling is reasonable compared to what is going on in the relationship. Some things you just can't say without specifics. Sometimes "refusing to bury the past" is actually "dredging up the past" Have you tried counseling?
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/23 02:36 PM
5

I agree that that sounds like affair behavior. Literally the reason I looked through my wife's phone was because she was talking about divorce for very petty reasons
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 11:55 PM
4

You want to find out if there is an affair. Depending on what state you are in, infidelity may be grounds for barring her from alimony and it may affect the division of assets. More than that, you may be entitled to money she has spent in furtherance of the affair. Affairs cost money, on average about $400 a month. I found out about my wife's affair and thanks to exporting the vast majority of their texts I am grateful for having found out the below: that she lied to me to try to give the affair…
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 11:14 PM
1

Unless you marry a woman who makes more or equal money like in 45% of marriages https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 10:49 PM
2

The pendulum of blame swings very often and very hard during divorce. Same days you are sure it was your fault, sometimes you are sure it was hers. Neither side realistically has all the blame and you will never know down to the atom why things happened how they did.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 09:32 PM
3

It sounds a lot like you're making rationalizations for things she wants changed (some of which don't make sense frankly) so that you don't have to change them Being emotionally unstable has nothing to do with giving her good times Don't fight with the neighbors if it makes your wife mad Work on your friendship and getting back in with her friends even if it means an uncomfortable apology. But first ask her what she wants changed in terms that are specific, measurable, achievable and have time c…
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 09:28 PM
2

putting more skin in the game for both parties incentivizes trying to make it work and makes each party more confident in the relationship infidelity rates are on average lower for those who are married tax benefits avoiding social stigma/pressure insurance benefits social security benefits inheritance rights hospital visitation rights and decision making power
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 09:22 PM
2

If you quit drinking then what does she say is wrong?
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 08:19 PM
0

Statistically people have about the same average life satisfaction whether married or not. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2003/03/married-happy The missing group in the study is "people who wish they were married but arent" which I suspect would change the numbers. But what it does mean is that marriage is a good idea if you want marriage and not a good idea if you dont. You can't rely on the experiences of other to figure what your likely outcome is That all being said, you should shie…
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 08:14 PM
5

1) don't treat other people like their attitudes result strictly from physiology and your own have no basis in physiology whatsoever. Maybe menopause does play a part but you need to ask her for specific, measurable, achievable goals with time limites. So far you have only listed one grievance she has, and that brings me to my second point 2) STOP DRINKING. It's not helping you, your wife, or your kids. If you find yourself thinking "I need a drink" then you're addicted. If you find yourself say…
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 08:03 PM
1

Reach out friends to talk to. Get back into old hobbies or start new ones. Get help from a counselor if you can
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 03:52 PM
2

Not much to do for you but take some time to get your head together and process your emotions. If it helps, my STBX was the same with my mother. My parents live on the bottom floor of the house and she would rarely even see them. But my STBX always had a complaint "Their dog smells" "You sided with them when you didn't let me put obnoxious decorations in the yard in front of their window" "It smells when they cook" "They have too much junk in the garage" She wanted me to move them out but we cou…
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 03:23 PM
2

Do you have other debt you you could pay off? That's what my plan is right now. I'm going to pay off a lot of short term debt with the home equity loan and by essentially making a lot of 5 year debt into 30 year debt I'm going to be breaking even on monthly payments
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 12:02 PM
4

Here are the tricks you are missing. You should be able to bug out your stbx using one of the following: a home equity loan a home equity line of credit a cash out refinance That's in order of how I would recommend it. Basically it let's you borrow up to your equity in the house for whatever reasons.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 04:40 AM
1

Also depend on if one of them bought the house before the marriage as the premarital equity would generally go to whoever bought it provided they aren't both on the deed
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/23 09:11 PM
6

The main stat I think about when it comes to reconciliation is that 40% of cheaters will cheat in their next relationship. I have to imagine that the number is higher if they stay in the same relationship because they experience little consequence for their behavior and their relationship is patterned the same way. The other thing that looks crazy face value is that people who have been cheated on are more likely to be cheated on again. However, I think this actually goes to what you said. We ca…
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/23 03:13 PM
4

My STBX did a similar thing. Found out she was cheating in January, then she filed separately, itemized her deductions and took the child tax credit. She claimed 100% of the mortgage interest even though didn't pay a dollar of it. This forced me to itemize and cost me about $3k You have one more option if: A) you don't mind get your ex in trouble with the law for something she did illegally B) have your ducks on a legal row for finances Send in a written return to the IRS claiming the children a…
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/23 02:56 PM
9

A lot of this kind of depends. We teach people what they can't get away with by what we do. His ex will have court fees too. When he doesn't do this, then she learns something about their new relationship "I can get away with anything so long as it doesn't cost much more than court" If this is really expected to be the end of this problem and other money problems, maybe bite the bullet. If it's not, then maybe set a precedent that he won't be bullied into letting her financially abuse him
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/23 02:51 PM
7

Only speculating but it might be that because women are often perceived by children more frequently as empathetic that it gets built into us when we're younger. Teachers, stay at home moms, nurses, etc. are the ones who more often deal with the big feelings and skinned knees. Then our role in life changes from "kid" to "potential husband" to "husband" and the empathy declines. With some women we become the beast of burden/meal ticket/scape goat/punching bag
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/23 02:24 PM
1

Remember, "it's the little things that count" is code for "you weren't perfect and thats not good enough"
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/23 02:18 PM
3

Found 10 months of sexting with AP, sex videos, evidence of stealing money
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/23 11:00 PM
4

Bleh, for me that started after the separation. "When are you going to be done with lawyer thing x?" "Look at this blatant attempt at me trying to show you are a bad father in writing" "Send me money"
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/23 10:59 PM
3

Definitely refer to your lawyer on this one. Is her name on the deed? That might be a factor
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/23 08:47 PM
1

I was in a similar boat. The way its usually broken down is that you keep all the equity from before the marriage (including your down payment) and any equity built during the marriage she splits with you (usually 50/50) Usually who pays for what doesn't matter so long as she is contributing to the house in some manner (like paying utilities and so on)
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/23 11:24 PM
2

Why is it some lawyers seem so bad at their job? Stuff my lawyer screwed up: who left the house that my was going to let me live in the house for a year and then try and buy her out that I bought the house before marriage and my name was the only one on the deed Bruh, you sat down with me for an hour and took notes and this is what you've got? It was going to make me lose my house and about $30k because this person didn't want to spend more than 10 minutes personalizing a form settlement. It's f…
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/23 08:54 PM
2

Making sure you are making the right arguments to convince her of to let her buy you out. Her stupid argument only works on principle and usually principles have a dollar value for this kind of thing. Find out how much closing costs would be, get an appraisal, get a realtor to suggest which repairs are necessary for sale. Then you can tell her she would lose $5k from closing costs, 20k from the house losing value and 20k in repairs to sell the house. She'll get over her feelings pretty fast if i…
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/23 10:58 PM
8

I know it's weird advice and very specific, but I swear it's good. Do yoga (or some other kind of gym class, noy just a membership) It helps get your mind right, works on your body and mind, and it will get you talking to new people. Yoga in particular is female dominated. You can easily end up talking to half a dozen new girls a week just by showing up 10 minutes early. It's better than dating apps because they are a sausage fest where over-confident women can dive into a sea of compliments and…
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/23 10:54 PM
1

This feels indecisive to me. Which is fine except I don't think moving out actually solves your problems. By my read you should either stay in the home and commit to working on your relationship or commit to getting a divorce. I've never heard a story of someone moving out and their relationship got better for it.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/23 05:21 PM
2

Hard to know for sure but I think I can narrow it down to a few things: her affair started 2 weeks after she started using delta 8 and it was on a daily basis. I suspect that being a depressant made her seek validation from outside the marriage she had her affair 8 months after our first child. She told one of the several men that she wanted to "be free" and I think that all the extra work and diversion of attention fed that. she had her affair a couple weeks after a big fight about cleaning out…
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/23 05:01 AM
8

Not only that, but it voids infidelity claims because it's considered to be "reconciliation" if you have sex after discovery of the affair Have sex and then you have to pay alimony
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/23 04:39 AM
2

I didn't think I had a bad marriage. My wife spent a year convincing me I was a bad husband and if I only did all the things she wanted then we could be happy Then 6. And sadly I think it's still true. Most marriages will see the husband jumping through hoops to keep his wife happy while the wife engages in fun activities like: complaining about chores but never trying to come up with specific, measurable, timely or reasonable goals for the husband to meet. Just always a vague "you need to do mo…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/23 02:41 PM
1

Yep, even in a fault state my stbx is getting half the assets and child support (which is not stamped with "money must go toward the child") For the low cost of 3 years of marriage (one of which she had a secret affair), she gets to walk away with quite literally 20x as much cash in her bank account than she ever had outside of the marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/23 02:31 PM
4

You'd probably have equal or greater regrets if you stayed. If I've noticed one thing about myself in my whole process it's that conflicting emotions are a real thing and how you feel can change a lot even from hour to hour. I feel regret. I could have been a better husband. I'd still say I was a better than average husband. I wonder if reconciliation could have worked. But if we had stayed together, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. She did a lot of awful things in the last year that in r…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/23 02:25 PM
2

Well, for one thing you would want to find out the legal definition of adultery in your state but ultimately I really don't know if it matters. If it has no bearing on things then irreconcilable difference should do just fine and not inject an open affair into your situation Always try to think twice about things. Once as you see them and once as she will see them. She doesn't know anything about divorce law either and listing adultery on the form might not only be a shock but also instill fear …
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/23 01:52 PM
3

You and a lot of the guys in here need to give yourself a break in light of some consideration. You probably were deeply unhappy/depressed in the period where your marriage was deteriorating. That itself can feed a lot of negative behavior. Laziness (since depression saps energy) and anger probably being the big ones.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/23 01:39 PM
2

New York is a no fault state and honestly pretty fucked on this whole topic. You know enough. File divorce so that she can't pull any shit with your finances and to reduce the chances of false DV claims Get a lawyer, get a psychiatrist. No drugs, no booze. Hit the gym. Confide in friends. Don't confront her yet. She will lie. Wait until after the divorce It probably is adultery but it doesn't matter legally in your state and pragmatically, it doesn't matter. Your marriage is over and it's been o…
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/23 01:29 PM
1

If there isn't a court order, then there shouldn't be a problem. Usually the problems come up after a divorce complaint has been filed and that puts an injunction on a variety of financial activities
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/23 12:24 PM
–

Don't have your lawyer draft a settlement right away. People change their minds about what they want a lot. You don't want 4 revisions of your settlement costing you 8k because you couldn't wait for your STBX to be done changing her mind (and believe me, it's usually to less charitable terms)
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/23 02:08 AM
1

They can get a judge to overturn the settlement or revise alimony/CS So I would say no. Also we're not as bitter as the short subreddit. We're silver medal at best.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/23 07:50 PM
3

I struggle to find great stats on most aspects of cheating and this is one of them. Best I could find was this: https://smithinvestigationagency.com/blog/2023-infidelity-statistics-who-cheats-more-men-or-women/ Statistics say 44% of men report cheating on their partner because they wanted more sex – and excitement was reported to be a powerful motivation. 40% of women reported cheating for emotional reasons, such as needing attention or wanting to feel desired. Statistics say 33% cheated on thei…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/23 07:03 PM
2

Yep, you can still catch a stalking charge even if it's your wife.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/23 04:32 PM
4

Forgot to mention, use this on the guy's phone number: https://www.truepeoplesearch.com/ Find out who it is. Consider getting a provide detective if you're not in a "no fault" state. If she has an apple phone, her messages may not have been permanently deleted. https://support.apple.com/guide/iphone/recover-deleted-messages-iph16ecebf48/ios
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/23 01:12 AM
24

I had a similar "just a friend" scenario. A lot of us have. Cheaters are scum and so are affair partners. A rare mix of cruelty and cowardice
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/23 01:07 AM
24

Men do still on average cheat more than women but the gap is closing. Last I checked it was 25% of men and 15% of women. I think the gap is closing for several reasons: women are more likely to be capable of financial independence than previous generations it's easier with online dating basically putting a smorgasbord of cocks in front of anything with half a tit. Add in scumbags patrolling Facebook, insta and snap for women. expectations for husbands have exploded. Husbands are now confidantes,…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/23 01:02 AM
6

Don't forget the AP's themselves. They're all adoring complements, shit talking the betrayed, and talking about how the WW deserves better
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/23 12:54 AM
1

Why should CS be independent of income?
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/23 08:03 PM
1

Hate to say it but Google is probably your best option. Google something like "divorce settlement with kids example (insert state)"
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/23 07:55 PM
3

A) Become a very active patron of your mental well-being: hit the gym get a therapist make sure you're eating and sleeping enough if you can confide in loyal friends no drinking, no drugs keep your shit together. No losing your temper, no public breakdowns. B) cover yourself legally but try to avoid excessive legal fees find your own lawyer get an example of a completed divorce settlement. Sit down with your STBX and rewrite the whole thing with an understanding that your lawyers will review it.…
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/23 03:30 PM
1

Mine was a bit different. STBX moved out to an apartment with a pool. Asked her if she wanted to go to the pool with our son who I bought a swimsuit for. "I'd rather do nothing" I end up buying a kiddie pool, she texts me she misses the baby. I ask if she wants to come out. "Yes" She doesn't show up Just an unreliable pain in the neck
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/23 11:23 AM
1

Amen It felt like my relationship was defined by making her happy while she did nothing but find things to be unhappy about. Chores, money, sex, household decision making all had to be done 100% to her liking
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/23 06:44 PM
7

Get a lawyer. You can get the money back but it will probably be post settlement since she mingled her personal and your marital funds by pulling them. She actually might have made a terrible mistake since that means the entirety of her personal account is now considered a marital asset now. Granted that's if you're trying to be cutthroat which often involved burning a lot of lawyer money on a court case which is probably not worth it and won't be conducive to minimizing hostilities
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/23 06:37 PM
1

Yeah I found out in my STBX's chat log with her AP that she was just going to do marriage counseling to save up money Pretty sure this is common amongst EA spouses
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/23 05:10 PM
2

Took me about 3 months but now im pretty close to good and definitely better mentally and physically than when I was married. my back inflammation problems seem to have existed primarily from stress during the marriage and divorce (and smoking that was also stress induced) for the first time in almost a year I'm not in near constant physical pain I lost some weight from the stress but it actually made me a bit healthier I felt just kinda sick most of the time toward the end. After I found out ab…
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/23 04:59 PM
1

Because once the IRS files the written audit in their system there is a check for if a social security number is used twice for claiming dependents. This prevents people from filing separate and claiming dependents multiple times
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/23 03:19 PM
1

Actually that's exactly what has happened to me. I've chosen to get it written into our settlement that we will alternate on the child tax credit going forward. The other route I could take is to file a written return which would trigger an automatic tax audit which would show that my stbx claimed the dependent without prior agreement and is guilty of tax fraud
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/23 10:56 PM
1

There are sometimes cases where it's not a blood bath. The 401k is split with any value before marriage going to the original owner. Any gains post marriage get pooled and split, usually 50/50. No future values included Unless it goes to court, basically the parties would have to agree on the value be it the purchase but I'd go for the appraisal value To save money, find an example of a settlement and rewrite it to your own scenario, give that to a lawyer to write up or both of you go to arbitra…
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/23 02:00 PM
14

If your interest rate is below 6% do not fucking sell. Get a home equity loan or a home equity line of credit and pay her share that way. That way your existing loan is at the historically low rates and any new loan will be at 8-9% rather than everything at 9% Not selling means you don't have to pay closing costs, moving costs or repair costs. You'll probably save yourself 30k in the short term and thousands more a year
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/23 02:55 AM
3

Big same. Wife cheated on me and I managed to get an export of most of their texts that I beat myself up with for a couple months after d-day. A lot of stuff like "I never really loved him" and saying I have a small dick and that she was disgusted when I touched her. The last time I saw her she said she missed me. The things a massive mindfuck
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/23 07:22 PM
2

My dog left me for another owner and took half my stuff - no one
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/23 07:10 PM
3

Alright, my power to you then. I look back on my older dating profile pictures and I look like an absolute stooge. Personally I'm choosing to take a year off from anything involving romance but I'm excited to see what things will look like once I get back in the game
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/23 07:04 PM
5

Do you know if you are on a no fault divorce state? It can be a bad idea to pursue romantic interests while still legally married
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/23 07:01 PM
1

https://www.irs.gov/newsroom/claiming-a-child-as-a-dependent-when-parents-are-divorced-separated-or-live-apart Custodial parents generally claim the qualifying child as a dependent on their return. The custodial parent is the parent with whom the child lived for the greater number of nights during the year. The other parent is the noncustodial parent. In most cases, because of the residency test, the custodial parent claims the child on their tax return. If the child lived with each parent for a…
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/23 06:31 PM
2

Either one should be fine but fair warning that if your ex has 51% physical custody she might have a legal basis for taking all of it
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/23 04:05 PM
1

Try the sidebar. I wish there was more of it.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/23 10:57 PM
3

A lot of my advice is going to come down to what state you are in. Some states are "no fault divorce" meaning that infidelity doesn't change anything in divorce proceedings. However, with at fault states, the asset split gets affected and you can end up not paying any alimony. https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/no-fault-divorce-states Your house will usually end up split this way: All value in the house before your marriage started is considered premarital and you get all of it. Al…
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/23 05:04 PM
3

I wouldn't take to heart the other comments about this being unenforceable either. All it it takes is one night of your ex swinging by the house. If she finds out you have someone over, then it's easily provable. She just needs to hear another woman's voice on a phone call with you or you slip up and mention someone is over and then your wife has a silver bullet. "No romantic interests can stay over while the children are at home unless the relationship has been active for at least 3 months. Thi…
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/23 04:56 PM
1

Yeah me too. Wife started having an affair when the baby was 8 months and everything was shit after that
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/23 04:41 AM
1

I'm gonna go against the grain here except to day that you need a lawyer or to ask her to do a mediator with no lawyers. They want that information because they're trying to cook up a settlement. Your income and accounts are going to be the factors used for establishing alimony and child support. Your other information is just confirmation of those factors. If you don't provide it, you will likely be hit with a request for discovery. You want to avoid that. The reason you want to avoid that is t…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/23 06:13 PM
1

Link? What is overemployment in this context?
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/23 03:18 PM
6

Bleh you just made wonder if the date my wife started doing drugs corresponded with her affair. Looks like she started all of 2 weeks before the affair. Woof
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/23 06:06 PM
3

She took absolutely 0 personal responsibility for her own happiness. She had plenty of stability. We had the American dream. A house, a kid, both of us had stable jobs. By my assessment we had fewer problem than most married couples do. In her own words from her texts with a different romantic interest of hers, she wanted "freedom" As to whether I would get back with her: She was emotionally and financially abusive for about a year preceding our separation. because she had been complaining about…
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/23 03:43 PM
4

My STBXW's AP was the same way. Amazing how she could fall for this shit with him filling her ears with sweet talk. 3 months of sexting and she proposes to a guy she never physically spent any time with as a couple and sent him $6.5k Just so happens that the AP wanted US citizenship and messaged her out of the blue. Just so happens all his friends are scam artists but he's not. Just so happens he deleted his texts with other women because he "didn't want it to be an issue" About to give my STBX …
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/23 01:25 PM
5

Well, I've got two things to say about that. My wife also blamed me for her not being happy as if she had no accountability for her own happiness. My wife was also cheating and I had to find out. I'd do some snooping. Check her texts, if it's an iPhone you can check deleted texts. A lot of wireless providers will provide call history showing which numbers have been called or texted. I know at&t offers it just by logging into their website. Check her social media Review your bank accounts for sus…
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/23 01:21 PM
12

I hate to ask, but any red flags for infidelity? Sudden change in attitude and being hit out of nowhere feels suspicious. In any case, try counseling first. Even if it's only a 30% chance of working it sounds like you'd be happier at least trying
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/23 04:08 AM
18

Id avoid 1 unless it's an immediate threat. Police reports come out in discovery and can affect custodt
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/23 01:04 AM
2

Brother, I would consult a Cambodian lawyer. Good luck with everything
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/23 04:21 PM
2

I honestly just kind if did a shot in the dark on better help. Therapist was great, the service not so much (auto renewal on a monthly basis + each renewal is a limited number of sessions. If you don't have a session for awhile it builds up. If you cancel you lose your sessions and no refund) I'd probably recommend trying to find a male therapist. For hobbies, I did a mix of old and new hobbies. I started doing yoga and it has been a blessing. Kind of intimidating but surprisingly easy once you'…
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/23 04:18 PM
2

Make sure not every weekend is Disneyland. Some dads make the mistake of trying to make all their time with their kids special by taking them somewhere or doing something amazing. But that's not really normal parenting and they won't relate to you as a parent if you do. It also can shift the focus away from your relationship and more toward whatever activity you're doing
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/23 03:30 PM
3

Yeah, you missed the red flags but most people do. Sometimes when I got into my wife's car her Bluetooth would connect and the caller ID showed another man's name. I got the "he's just a friend of the family" line and believed it.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/23 03:25 PM
10

1) Lawyer up 2) Collect evidence: A. Check her other apps. She is probably using another social media app regularly. My wife had deleted almost all her texts with her AP but neglected to delete 10 months of whatsapp chats B. If she has an apple phone, texts aren't hard deleted. Follow these steps and you can probably find more https://support.apple.com/en-us/HT213105 C. You can probably get a call/text history from your wireless provider to see how long this has been going on for. I know with AT…
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/23 02:10 PM
1

Here's advice from someone who hates their lawyer. 1) Find an example of a divorce settlement so that you can basically rewrite it in your own terms 2) collect bank statements and statement for your retirement. If it has a number, you should be able to back it up with a document. 3) get a lawyer to review the settlement you drafted for you, tell you if you're screwing yourself and to put it all in the right legal language My lawyer basically cost my 9k in them fucking up because they tried to dr…
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/23 02:19 AM
2

I remember my dad telling me the worst part of his divorce was "when you left a cup of coffee on the table in the morning, you could be sure it would be there when you got back" This illicited a lot of groans from my brother and I about how it sounded like he missed someone cleaning for him. But I get it now. When you're with someone, the rooms always change a bit from when you last were in them. A chair is pulled out, maybe she left some dishes in the sink, maybe she left the TV paused on her s…
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/23 02:13 AM
3

Not sure if it helps but two of the thoughts that got me off alcohol: "drinking makes you feel worse, not better. It fixes nothing" "if I feel like I need to drink, then I'm addicted and need to stop. If I want a drink but don't feel that I need it, then there should be no reason I can't stop myself"
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/23 08:53 PM
2

I think your problem is that you're doing activities that can at best generate acquaintances rather than friends. When you're trying to meet people through a hobby, ask yourself "after 6 months, would anybody move a couch with me?" If the answer is "no" then maybe that's not the right hobby for finding friends. Find something with the same group of people that repeats on a semi-regular basis
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/23 08:51 PM
3

Listen to me please. Motherfucking yoga It checked so many boxes for me that it was ridiculous. great for dealing with a back injury I had (YMMV obviously, but it's basically physically therapy for a lot of issues) meet tons of people its a taco fest (as opposed to sausage fest) helps get your mind right Outside of that I'm getting back into DND once the dust settles on my divorce process. I'm a forever DM so this a time sink
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/23 01:51 AM
1

The crazy part to me is that it seems like things are pro rata or 50/50 depending on which outcome is better for the lower earner. Child support? Pro rata Alimony? Pro rata Asset split? 50/50
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/23 04:44 AM
9

I would advise against it for several reasons: 1) if you are still legally married, your stbx can file discovery for you to produce all written messages between you and romantic interests which can be used against you in court, especially if you're dissolving due to her infidelity or if marital waste is an issue. Consult a lawyer about this 2) you need to rebuild your life to where you are a complete person separate of your relationships. You can find your own purpose and happiness without needi…
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/23 07:32 PM
6

Start the process of self care from low energy cost to high energy. Something like going through the below in order. get some sleep call a friend and talk eat some food (even if it's order in) go for a walk exercise at the gym
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/23 07:27 PM
7

Honestly I'm basically in the same boat. My finances are a wreck, i might lose the house I live in I'm losing half the time I'll ever spend with my son growing up we moved to be near her friends and family who all sided with her which makes me very much isolated The only thing she has left to take is that last half of the time I'll spend with my son and honestly I could see her pushing for custody and/or kidnapping our son at this point. She showed up at the house when she knew I wasn't there, t…
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 11:46 PM
1

Or they earn significantly less by virtue of the value of their work. I think this is touted as fact more than it actually being fact by feminists that read some stats from the 80s. In my experience, women wear blinkers when it comes to effort at home, often discounting work like maintenance, yardwork, gutter cleaning, etc as not work at all and then go "OMG, I'm doing 60% of the washing etc. Time to go fuck some other dude I won't care about any of that with for a couple of years" Then the cycl…
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 11:42 PM
4

She might just be trying to keep things friendly for the kids sake then. If that's really all it is, then I'd actually consider it a good thing so long as it's not painful for either of you
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 11:33 PM
10

Here have been the most ridiculous laws I've found out in this divorce process: if my paternity test came back and showed my son was in fact not my son, I would still owe child support my STBX is entitled to half my current assets. Not assets at the time of legal separation (different from finalized divorce). So all the money I made from between separation and divorce gets split with her (which includes my annual bonus) you don't split legal fees unless the parties agree to. My wife cheated on m…
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 10:20 PM
2

Self file is dangerous. Apart from the frustration of the judge kicking back things for clerical errors a judge wouldn't make, you might end up committing to mistakes that will hurt you and you don't know exactly what you or your wife is entitled to. IMO, if you are sitting on 20k, then it's a no-brainer to get a lawyer and file. If not, consult a lawyer to see what they think about your case.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 10:09 PM
2

Yep, I thought my divorce would be done in a month. I'm on month 3 and don't expect it to be done any time soon
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 10:07 PM
10

Do you have kids? That's why I try to stay amicable with my ex. Otherwise I'd never talk to her.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 10:03 PM
18

The other trap that can happen here is that in some states if she can show you had sex after finding out about an affair then it can be argued in court that you reconciled so the grounds for the divorce can't be infidelity. Aka she gets alimony.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 10:03 PM
1

Well that was for cleaning specifically. Other issues were not negotiable. There was a lot of fighting a out things. I put a hard stop on quite a few items that I thought were important: no dog (she wanted a husky but she didn't have the energy or interest to keep up with one) no tacky inflatable yard decorations for christmas no TV for our infant Amongst other things. But if she said "can you take the trash out?" The answer was "yes"
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 08:49 PM
5

Well I mean I filed for divorce the first business day after I found out and we're getting close to a settlement so I think you may have misread me on this Cheating was always a red line for me and the consequences were immediate
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 08:08 PM
1

I suspect you're more or less right. Here is why: her affair didn't grant her any relief from this issue she actively pushed back against even trying solutions she only decided that I was a slob after being together for 5 years together I'm always cautious about ignoring the explicit reasons people give for their behavior and I know that speculating is treacherous. But given that she lost 60 lbs throughout the affair and that her affair partner is better looking and couldn't do much more than se…
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 07:28 PM
3

I totally forgot about how everything I did was "not the right way". I'd say about 90% of the time I changed out a diaper on the baby she felt compelled to adjust it. Apparently as a guy in his late 30's, how to properly sweep a floor is simply beyond my capacity as well.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 06:47 PM
3

Oh I agree. Her behavior has been deeply irrational. She proposed to this guy after 3 months into an LD affair where she never met him in person. Our kid was almost about to turn 1 at the time she proposed. Pretty garbage behavior. At the same time I'm trying to be cautious in trying to understand to what extent her need weren't being met in the relationship. It's easy enough to put out everything she did wrong but I'm trying to figure if there is anything to learn about how I could improve in m…
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 06:45 PM
1

I've got a lot of crazy shit with mine but I'll admit it sounds like you got it worse. My wife showed up at the house when she knew I wasn't there took her passports and our son's birth certificate. She has an affair partner in Africa that she has been sending money to and has built 3 business with (a bar and 2 shops) She renegged on all our previous divorce agreements to where she is supposed to get money right away even if it costs her a lot. She was going to let me stay in the house 12 months…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/23 05:28 AM
4

I read thar story when you posted it. Crazy shit like that gives me comfort when I'm going through my own crazy shit. Thank you
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/23 05:21 AM
1

Thank you for sharing this. My lawyer has been pushing for a court trial and saying I could get 60/40 but this whole divorce process has been yet another exercise of "judge advice on the basis of who will get paid for it" Same thing happened with my finances. I needed 80k to buyout my stbx's equity. I ask my mortgage guy what to do "you should refinance" (he will get paid) I ask the bank "you should do a Heloc" (they will get paid) I ask my lawyer about amicable settlement and they want a guns b…
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/23 05:19 AM
8

Not mine. Mt STBX secretly did me so dirt between cheating, emotional abuse and financial abuse that there was just no way. Before I found out about the affair, I had suggest marriage counseling but found out in her text messages that she only agreed as a stall tactic to save up money. She's been telling everyone that the divorce was my idea and not telling anyone about the affair.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/23 05:14 AM
10

Yeah I really think that's what happened to me too. Had an 8 month old baby and within the next year my wife had 3 affairs and in her chats she was talking about "wanting to be free"
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/23 04:47 AM
9

Before choosing to check out early, OP could at least try something. Move to Vanuatu. No extradition, English is common, beautiful country. Work in tourism. Edit: looked into vanuatu more, turns out citizenship costs $130k :( there have still got to be options out there.
/r/Divorce_Men10/05/23 12:54 PM
3

In my state paternity doesn't really matter because the child is a "product of the marriage" Ain't that some shit?
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/23 02:48 AM
22

Get the test. It's relatively cheap and easy and will help put your mind at ease. That's why I did it. I was 95% sure but couldn't go around with that nagging 5%. I'm still bothered because once I did get it, my wife seemed to genuinely not be sure which would have out her cheating behavior a full year and a half before my previous understanding of it. That or she was fucking with me because she does things like that.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/23 06:06 PM
1

I dont think there is an option for a no fly list. Best I can do is set up notification for when a US passport is applied for my son (which is easier than people think. All you need if a parent is absent is a notarized piece of paper showing approval). They could also get a passport from her home country at which point the notifications don't mean crap. I dont think a third party holding the passports works either as she could just claim the passport was lost and receive a new copy. My best opti…
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/23 04:27 PM
1

Your point is bad, your opinion is bad, your view is bad and them being a product of your personal experience doesn't change that. Or at a minimum, you phrased it such that you are creating a false equivalence. Deconstructing bullshit is productive. Ad hominem and false equivalence are not.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/23 04:02 AM
3

Yeah, she's from that country. Its difficult to tell if she intends to move back and honestly it's got me worried about kidnapping. Some of theirs texts basically say "we should consider renting out our property because we will need to go to the US and save money for our plans. We shouldn't expect to be back for 3-4 years" which is disturbing especially because she is trying to max out how much money she is getting in the short term even if it costs more in the long term (like sell the house whi…
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/23 03:56 AM
1

It has not been stated, or at least to the extent it has, it's a false equivalence. I'm not attacking you, I'm attacking your comment which is harmful if anyone were to take it to heart.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/23 03:43 AM
1

And I didn't say ou said that. I Said that you're obfuscation the subject with empty statements. "One person isn't the cause of divorce, both are." What exactly is the intention behind this statement then?
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/23 03:36 AM
1

This is some obtuse BS. Most divorces will have a degree of fault for both parties, but they will not have an even split on the fault. Some people are abusive, toxic or cheating and they don't deserve to be let off the hook by saying that the victim is also at fault.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/23 03:04 AM
2

Yeah, I'll bet you didn't intend to hurt the victim of your first affair either. Actually do something. Get counseling
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/23 03:02 AM
5

There is basically one type of person that will accept a cheater. Another cheater Best OP can do is do therapy, recant and if he really changes then maybe someone will be daring enough to take the risk
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/23 03:01 AM
6

And Michigan is indeed no fault. It's fucking wild that no faults exist.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/23 02:57 AM
2

This might be me too. After I told my wife I filed (she was cheating) she made all these nice verbal agreements that she now has been walking back splitting the legal fees. My lawyer has been drafting the settlement and in large part due to her changing her mind the settlement has had to be redrafted twice. Now I've got 4 times her legal fees and she doesn't want to split letting me keep the house for another year to save and buy her out. She re-negged to the sale being immediate I got my work b…
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/23 05:20 AM
1

Not in your position, but I've got an itching feeling that's not how it will end up working. The house is probably a lot more than your liquid cash and she'll come for it.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/23 05:32 PM
1

She moved out before the settlement. A 3k down payment on an apartment plus furniture for the apartment and that's all money that won't get split. I'm probably out 2k because she moved out before the settlement was made. There's nothing illegal against her moving out in my state
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/23 05:09 PM
1

My experience has been a mixed bag with that. My STBXW did move out but in doing so has basically drained her accounts which will screw me over at the time of split because she has less money in the split. She also got worse rather than better because she knew I wouldn't try to screw her, so she decided to screw me over wherever she felt there wouldn't be repercussions.
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/23 04:26 PM
1

I'm in a related bind with that right now. Divorce hasn't been finalized and it makes it impossible for me to make any big money changes to buy out my wife's equity in the house. I basically have to wait for the settlement and then do it but God knows how long this settlement will take
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/23 04:13 PM
1

Your gross income and more importantly AGI don't change. You get taxed on it but the recipient doesn't. I would consult a lawyer about opening a card prior to ending the divorce as this could be a violation of a temporary standing order regarding financial changes that aren't "usual business" and might put you in contemptnof court
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/23 03:28 PM
7

If you want to see a real hive of scum and villainy, check out the adultery subreddit. Especially if you are blaming yourself for your wife's infidelity. They're all their own heroes in there.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/23 08:48 PM
6

You know what the tipping point actually was? She started talking about a divorce and when I asked her why her reasons were insanely shallow. "A year ago when you had a back injury, I had to push the shopping cart for 3 months" "Your parents dog smells" "You didn't let me get inflatable yard decorations for christmas" She had 3 issues that were non-trivial but not falsifiable or otherwise she rejected obvious solutions. As I mentioned, bill complaints but not wanting to merge accounts She compla…
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/23 04:24 AM
10

I found in my wife's chat log with her affair partner that she was planning on doing marriage counseling entirely as a stall tactic so that she could save up money and move out.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/23 03:37 AM
7

Just to share what mine were (which I ignored until the very end) and ordered from largest to smallest: sometimes when I got into her car, her blue tooth would connect and a man's name would appear on the caller ID. She claimed it was "just a family friend from back home". I didn't want to be overprotective and I trusted my wife so I didn't look into it further. she pursued citizenship via testing rather than by marriage when we decided for a form of contraception alternative to condoms, when I …
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/23 03:31 AM
2

Oh she actually already cheated on him. Found in their chat log that she confessed to a one night stand with a third man
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/23 02:22 AM
2

Yeah some of it was absolutely horrific. We live with my parents on the bottom floor. 5 months into the affair when my STBX and her affair partner already agreed to marry one another, she was going to let my parents pay for 17.5k of home renovations, using up most of their savings. When that whole thing fell through (thank god for contractor fraud), she tried to coerce me into forcing them to move out, knowing full well they couldn't afford to live on their own. She let me pay thousands for tatt…
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/23 01:44 AM
2

I intend to.
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/23 01:33 AM
2

That's one thing that absolutely kills me is that my STBX has been telling everyone that the divorce was solely my idea when she was the first one to bring up divorce and I was taking radical measures (like offering to drain my retirement account to move my parents out of the bottom floor), marriage counseling, etc. The whole time she was having an affair.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/23 12:45 PM
2

Yep, I'm pretty sure my STBX was manufacturing reasons for a mutual divorce. Another conversation we had went like this: She interrupted my while doing taxes to say I wasn't helping out enough. I list x,y and z that I've done recently "but you're not consistent". Me: every time we talk about this, I can tell you a bunch of things I did recently, wouldn't that indicate that I am consistent her: "stop playing mind games" She forgets all the times I took the baby out all day to give her a break or …
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/23 12:39 PM
3

With how much my STBX turning into a money thirsty narcissit in the last year of our marriage and post divorce, I have to imagine my life is a cautionary tale to my single friends
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/23 05:19 AM
1

Alimony is such a wild concept. The end goal of it being to ensure that the lower earning partner gets to live just as well after the divorce as during marriage. Unless it's tied to a provable loss of income due to the marriage, I have no idea why it exists. It's otherwise a penalty for people who will marry someone with a lower income
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/23 05:16 AM
7

I had the same conversation with my STBX recently and said as much. She blames me for not doing enough chores and that she was paying too much of the bills She didn't want to do a chore chart that I proposed during marriage saying "what are we in high school?" and didn't want to merge bank accounts. And that's why she cheated on me. It felt like I was always trying to fix the problems and she was always making them and refusing good options.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/23 05:12 AM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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