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Lumptbuttcat Archive

View 14 posts and 403 comments by Lumptbuttcat on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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3

I have nothing for you other than a comment. She must be a pretty shitty mother to have 4 kids those ages and still have time for an affair.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/24 08:46 PM
13

Fundamentally, the approach you speak of is sound. In order to rationalize this, need to reflect on the entire construct of marriage. There’s no such thing as a partial marriage or a la carte marriage. Either all-in or not. She does not get to divest what may be bothering her about being married, while retaining what she choses as beneficial. That’s not fair to you. Couple other points. First, there’s no magic phrase. In fact, talking or convincing is the worst thing you can do. Respect her deci…
/r/Divorce_Men02/11/24 04:17 AM
27

Yep, as the saying goes, you never really know the woman you marry until you divorce them.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/24 07:33 PM
1

Not sure where you live but usually there’s no pre-trial conference until mediation fails. Pre-trial conferences usually just involve the lawyers and judge and the whole purpose is scheduling- ie determining if is this going to be a 2 day trial or 2 hr.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/24 01:52 PM
4

Here’s what you can do IMO. Get a big list documented. Get texts copied. Build a folder. Taking 1 or 3 cases to court is nuisance and costly. If you have 20 incidents over the course of the year, a good judge will respond in one fell swoop.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/24 01:41 PM
1

Of course, I would wait until they are older to have the discussion. I honestly think their response would be based how my ex responded. I think if she admitted the damage, and was sorry for what she did to them, they would forgive. She is entitled to her own POV on me and the marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 04:05 AM
9

I do not want my son or daughter to ever think divorce is acceptable, unless there’s abuse (real abuse, not feminist abuse), addiction or infidelity. I do not want them to look at their parents and their upbringing and think that’s ok. I want to fight the statistic that kids raised by divorced parents are twice as likely to divorce. They need to know I didn’t take this lightly and the reason the marriage ended was their mother had an affair. I wish she would align with me and admit she was sorry…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 12:17 AM
8

It’s hard, but you cannot compare the two relationships. A 17 year relationship is comfortable. Like an old pair of sneakers. Don’t try to find that in a new relationship. Find excitement and adventure. Going somewhere you used to go with your ex is stupid.
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/24 01:15 PM
7

The hardest for me was creating new experiences with a blank canvass. Whether it was romantic vacations or kids activities or simply how we did holidays. What we did were foundations for what we would do next. So the new life meant- how do I do Christmas or what does vacation look like, or wanting to go somewhere with no one to go with. It just takes time to build it back up.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/24 05:17 PM
12

That last quote is a joke. Specifically, “imagine something better”. Anybody can imagine anything. Right? Bottom line, it’s a cop out. It’s quitting. It’s choosing not to work on the marriage. It’s chasing the “feels”.
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/24 04:40 PM
3

Start with doing what’s best for the kids and what’s best for you. The best for the kids is 50/50 3-4 days with alternating weekends. She and her job is not your problem. This is a negotiation. Period. Anything she wants will cost her. Divorce is a process. Always start with what you want, then trade to get what you will accept.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 01:28 AM
1

I can’t honestly say as I have not experienced dating someone older. I do think that marriage is about building something together- you invest in each other for a future. That’s how you handle the rough times. If the marriage is about filling some gap, it never works. I would imagine dating someone in their 50’s is more about loneliness and perhaps financial support.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 01:12 AM
8

Because, through marriage, she became synonymous with your future. It’s in your head. It will take a while and lots of conscious thought to decouple her from your future.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 02:24 AM
1

https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/s/Nl3pNpvJan
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 02:16 AM
4

If you are dating divorced women, trust me, they want something. It does not necessarily mean money, although it’s a big one.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 12:17 AM
3

I think to some, divorced caused through infidelity can be a lot easier. Personally, when my ex cheated, my attraction meter went to zero and stayed at zero. I also think it helps to have a deeper understanding of yourself and then who’s right for you. I am pragmatic. My ex was very idealistic and lofty. Still is.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 08:19 PM
2

Need to talk to a lawyer. If you can negotiate eliminating alimony in exchange for you taking on some debt, do it. It has to be a reasonable deal and it needs to be NO ALIMONY, PERIOD. In most states, if alimony is never awarded during the divorce, it cannot be sought anytime later, regardless of any circumstantial changes. If alimony is awarded, even a dollar a month, it exposes you to all kinds of potential modification risk.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 08:07 PM
17

I always share my story. We bought this house I had dreams for. Had to convince her. It was 70’s, dated, rough shape….BUT it was on the inter-coastal with an awesome view….. plan was to remodel. My ex had all these ideas which, for the most part, made sense. Problem was kids, work, etc delayed any remodeling. Add to that, we got comfortable with the things we did not care for. Her affair, divorce and all that left me a mess. One thing I did do was fight like hell for that house and got it. Just …
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/24 05:41 PM
12

Again instincts. 50 years of modern, ideological thinking cannot reverse millions of years of instinctual programming. Old adage- safety in numbers. If you observe, it’s not just one friend. It’s groups of women who all recruit for numbers. There’s a flip side. As an example, married SAHMs who have friend groups of married SAHMs have extremely low divorce rates.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 06:21 PM
3

Being bi only means you have a much broader attraction section. There are also many other reasons to lose attraction to you your partner.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/24 04:48 AM
8

Well, the old sayings still apply…….women divorce because their husbands never change, men divorce because their wives change. Add to this, you are supposed to read her mind. Her not saying anything should have been a clear indication you should spend more time with her and less gaming. (joking, of course). Finally, accountability is a woman’s kryptonite. Notice she regrets she put up with my playing video games. That’s very different than her taking accountability for communicating needs and mo…
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 12:46 PM
4

I know its hard, here’s some advice- Get a lawyer. Set boundaries with STBX and basically don’t get into divorce conversations. Let the lawyer do their job. The only person that should give a shit about what she wants is her. No one else does. Forget about emotional attachment to any objects- every single thing (house, cars are nothing but $). Don’t fall into the trap that the house somehow has sentimental purpose for your kids. If you have an issue with this, I’ll give you something else to thi…
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 01:46 AM
4

Facilitation and mediation are two completely different approaches to settlement. That lawyer had no business at the facilitation. In fact, any half decent facilitator should have outright refused to facilitate with a lawyer present. The facilitator should have cancelled, knowing she had a lawyer. Facilitation is meant to be a non-contentious, non litigious approach to foster collaboration as a means to arriving at an agreement. There’s no conflict. Everybody is together. Mediation is a means to…
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 02:19 AM
5

You need to answer them. Key is “to the best of your knowledge” Types of software- “MS Office, browsers, business specific”. Where do you store your computer files “the computer’s hard drive” Mine wasn’t 68 pages, but my answers didn’t exceed 10 words on each……….
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 01:01 AM
2

I get it. It’s like when you are on a mission trip and you see kids that are elated to get a 5 cent piece of candy. You’re happy to see them happy, at the same time you compare them to kids in your home country who couldn’t care less about the same.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 09:38 PM
2

Starts with both of you understanding what exactly you are sorting through. I think there are multiple disconnects and mis-understandings. First, there’s tradition and religion. Traditions are simply a custom or practice passed down by generations. Religion is a system of conduct, worship, codes and practices which are all structured around some form of deity. Second, there’s heritage. Heritage is a form of identity, established at birth, that places us in a genetic or ethnic grouping. Third, th…
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 01:47 PM
11

Never speak ill of her in front if the kids. Never talk about what caused the divorce. Love your kids. Be a great dad. Ignore what she says. When your kids are old enough. Sit them down and tell the truth. When kids are in the middle of divorce and one parent is manipulating, bad mouthing and lying, trying to throw truth in the middle is more damaging. It just creates more uncertainty. There was a young man who wrote a post a while back about his divorced parents. He talked about his mother bad-…
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/24 09:39 PM
15

Probably what she has concocted in her head about what co-parenting should look like. Below are examples of what set these delusional women off- She saw a divorced couple sitting together. You should have sat next to her. You walked past her and didn’t acknowledge. She saw you talking and laughing with other people. Yea it’s that simple and that shallow. Get an app and communicate that way or learn to ignore.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/24 06:48 PM
1

First off, it really depends on what state you live in to establish what to expect regarding alimony, division of assets and child support. Second, shed the idea of amicable divorce with no contention. What you are hearing is “we can arrive at a mutually beneficial solution without spending a lot of money.” What she is saying is “do it my way and it’s peaceful, otherwise…”. Third, remove emotional attachment from anything tangible. House, cars, boats, etc. I have seen men do crazy things to allo…
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/24 02:45 PM
1

Why on earth are you letting her relocate? Usually that requires both parents to agree. At vey least I would use that as a bargaining chip to get something else.
/r/Divorce_Men20/09/24 04:56 PM
3

Could write a book on this. Generally speaking though, society has not kept pace with the advancements of social media / electronics. Two of the biggest areas- Critical Thinking- Ability to analyze information and form a judgement. So much false information we take at face value without questioning. People giving marriage advice with no credentials and who have been divorced. Ideologies that have no merit- modern feminism. Divorce Laws- Courts and governments drove no-fault divorce years ago mai…
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 01:09 PM
1

Here’s the way to look at this very objectively. If you know the value of combined marital assets and potential alimony at play, start with that number. There’s calculators and guidelines you can reference. Consider that the most likely scenario. Say your share is worth $500k as the most likely scenario. Consider that your upper limit. Now, talk with her to see what her expectations are. Let’s say that gets your share to $200k. You now have a $300k gap. Even if you spend $100k on a lawyer and en…
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/24 05:33 PM
4

First off, another example of why you do not marry a divorced single mom. Young and with a child, they seek out and marry resources. Prime example. Simply took her 15 years to stuff her coffers. He needs to get a lawyer and proactively file. Needs to understand relocation laws in his area. She cannot simply pick up the kids and move on a whim. Lawyer can explain. Needs to understand what he can do to protect his rights to the inherited property. Not sure how that works given it was left to all t…
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/24 02:01 PM
3

Read your divorce decree as a start. Should have a section for this.
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/24 01:30 PM
7

Here’s the only good thing about the position you are in……chasing her or trying to change will never work. Even if you do everything under the sun to change yourself, it won’t work. Now, if you 180, grey rock and start improving for yourself, that accomplishes two things. First, if you head down this path, you will get a jump start on getting things in order for your future. Second, is if she sees you moving on, she will question whether you may be better off without her. Imagining you happier, …
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/24 02:28 AM
8

Trust me. They didn’t last long. I am in a relationship so not out there. Just sharing based on my experiences early on. So yea, my picker must have really sucked.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 10:10 PM
2

Interesting. Think this really applies to younger, never married men and women today. I think the data supports- marriage rates down (men disenfranchised) and divorce rates up (women file more). My post is more about divorced women. Same entitlement with different perspective. Instead of “deserving” the perfect man (delusional) they “deserve” the perfect solution.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 09:51 PM
1

Long before his marriage he had a vision for his future. His ex became part of that vision. Trick is decoupling her from the vision. ie she is gone, but the vision can still be there. Like I always say. We all write this play called life. Sometimes the play is awesome and we simply cast a bad actress in the leading role. No need to rewrite just yet. Get a better actress.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 08:45 PM
13

Sorry if this appeared toxic. Wasn’t meant to be. Just wanted folks to have reasonable expectations. This was my personal experience and was awful frustrating. I was lucky and found a unicorn. Dates are not hard to come by. Sex is not hard to come by. Relationships with any runway are.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 08:38 PM
6

Ehhhh….dating / sex / company is one thing. Relationship is a whole other thing. Dating is not bad, provided expectations are in check.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 08:33 PM
1

Agreed. Should have made that more clear in that my experience was largely with DSMs. So even if 20’s and 30’s if they have kids I think what I wrote applies. 25-30, no kids are good.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 07:04 PM
1

Not gonna lie. Finding what you want will be extremely hard (not divorced, no kids). Keep looking- hard does not mean impossible. FWIW I agree with you 100% to stay away from these DSM women. Target for you is single, in early thirties. I would certainly date them. Have your fun with them. Just don’t try and expect or pursue the relationship you are looking for. At the same time, I’d still be looking for this.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 01:13 PM
17

Unpopular opinion. Dating is meant to occur between two younger, single, childless people who are looking for someone to build a future with. Typically, neither have immediate needs or conflicting demands. It’s not about convenience and certainly not transactional. Dating divorced women, especially after kids, is an entirely different dynamic. They are looking for something or someone to solve an immediate problem, while not taking on more problems. Could be money, loneliness, help with kids, et…
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/24 03:47 PM
4

I live by the mantra that “emotions = caring”. So think about that for a second. Whether you are happy for her or mad or whatever…..it all means you care. So all the drama? It’s her way to try to get you to show some “caring” about her.
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/24 06:20 PM
1

Virginia has relocation laws. If the child’s residency was established at the time of divorce, they cannot be relocated.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/24 07:40 PM
12

Your vision of your life is nothing more than a play you wrote in your head. Just because you cast a shitty actress in the leading role does not mean the play itself sucks. Stay the course and find someone that deserves the part.
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 05:08 AM
1

You need to talk to a lawyer and file. You need to drive a stake in the ground for residency. I am not familiar with California laws. If you establish residency, she likely can’t just move the kids 8 hrs away.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/24 12:34 AM
6

Any emotions. Period.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/24 03:49 AM
0

I would draw up the divorce papers with the terms you want through her lawyer. Tell her she can sign or you’re going to the deputies wife and to the police station and the world will see texts and all. Have her sign and then do all of that anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/24 05:04 PM
4

Starts with understanding that displays of any emotion (love, anger, hurt) is caring. That is why 180 and grey rock is so powerful.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/24 08:51 PM
0

Starts with understanding that displays of any emotion (love, anger, hurt) is caring. That is why 180 and grey rock is so powerful.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/24 08:51 PM
5

Tell your kids that their mother’s birthday is coming and ask what they would like to get her.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/24 08:40 PM
15

What is your goal? Get her back? Move on? Guess what? Neither dictates your course of action. Chasing or trying to win her back never works. Moving on does……. A woman’s Kryptonite is accountability. It’s avoided at all costs. The only way they become accountable is if they see you moving away and are demonstratively better off without them AND as a result, find a better partner that you value more and makes you even better. Not saying you need to do both right away. It’s progressing towards that…
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/24 07:44 PM
4

If I were you, I would give him some amount of time (3-6 months). Tell him to work on his marriage. Give him one last shot to be at peace and you do it for his kids. Go NC. Don’t commit to anything, but encourage him. Play the long game. If you reconnect, it will be without regrets. His kids will respect you for “backing off”. He will absolutely love and respect your integrity. There will be no guilt of remorse. Small amount of time to have strength and peace.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 01:14 AM
3

Need to look at the laws in your state. Most states have relocation laws. These laws typically prevent relocation, unless it’s in the best interest of the child. With 50/50, it’s near impossible to get a judge to allow a relocation through a hearing. Now, you just need to be sure there is nothing in the decree that states otherwise. They can always “sneak” something in.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 01:04 AM
6

Everybody thinks their divorce is unique and special. Of course, to them, it is. However, GALs, lawyers, judges all deal with this shit multiple times a day, every day, for years. They can read through all the BS. Add to all of this, they know when kids are being manipulated. Just be honest, and keep your emotions in check.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 01:01 AM
2

Fair enough. That’s why I attached my personal feeling of what that “cause” truly means. So, if anyone chooses to marry and their potential spouse aspires to advance a career with all it’s pressures and also wants to have 4 kids then you better run because you’ll be left behind.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 01:18 AM
15

The root of all of this is modern feminism. In a nut shell it’s the complete and utter non-sense that a woman can have a career, be a nurturing mother and dedicated, supportive wife (or any real relationship). Women simply cannot have all three. Period. Affairs start when they are at a breaking point.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/24 08:58 PM
9

I often thought about what it would require to undo my divorce if my ex came back. I have a simple list of criteria: She would need to undo having sex with AP. She would need to recover every cent of cost incurred by the divorce. There would need to be a 100% guarantee she would not cheat again. She would have to undo all the trauma to the kids. Point is, what was left ain’t ever coming back. She may come back, but nothing else is better. Wrap your head around that. Reality is you don’t want her…
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 08:14 PM
21

Glad we’re in this sub because I can write the following: Women create false narratives to substantiate feelings. Those feelings are usually cliche- “unhappy”. What’s impossible to conceptualize is they can actually convince themselves to believe those narratives. I honestly think she actually believed you were abusive. Problem is, she’s a big girl now. She’s probably unhappy again. She’ll lure you back in and realize she’s still not happy. Now she has you to blame. If you go back, get ready for…
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 01:30 AM
2

The only thing I find odd is being close and then scheduling the next day. Usually the attorneys and the mediator have an unspoken rule that if they are close they ride it out to get a signed agreement. It avoids one or both parties having second thoughts, discussing with idiot friends or families, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men24/07/24 09:30 PM
5

Her “pros” are in the unicorn category. I would say she is in top 10% in your age bracket. Her “cons” are mostly in the expected category. 90% of women will have these. It’s sadly almost expected. Those listed are within the checked baggage allotment. The only “cons” that are outliers are the distance, schools and driving. I’d be all in.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 08:01 PM
8

For every divorced woman who complained that their ex husband was stressed, a workaholic and absent from the relationship, there’s another that complains that their husband was unmotivated, lazy and barely contributed financially. There’s also women out there that put up with a lot of emotional neglect and lost connection, but never lost faith and played the long game. They stuck it out. They appreciated the effort of a husband that worked hard and provided. Kid’s college, home and retirement al…
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 07:32 PM
17

Her unrealistic / fantasized view: I left an abusive relationship and found my twin flame. My kids will be fine. Life will finally be great. She feels GREAT. Her reality: My ex was a good person. I never worked on what could have been fixed. My kids are worse off, I am worse off. The guy I am with is a loser. I made a mess. She feels GUILT. So why is she playing mind games? It’s keeping her fantasy and unrealistic view alive, so she feels great. She calls, you make her feel bad, so in her mind t…
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 12:30 PM
5

Whoa dude. Not suggesting he goes back. Oh hell no. LOL. Just pointing out that if he’s expecting some sort of revelation from his ex it ain’t gonna happen until she sees he’s better off.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 01:56 AM
13

Dude- Looked at your transformation pictures. They look fantastic! Proud of you. Keep it up. Best the best dad. That’s all that counts. You got this! Let me add what I always add as my two cents for divorced men. The only thing that gives an ex wife a wake-up call into reality are the following. You are demonstratively better without her. and /or You enter a relationship where you and your new partner flourish- you are happier, healthier, more connected and treat each other better.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/24 01:19 AM
12

Be the best dad possible. Never speak negatively to them about their mother. That simple. You don’t have to teach them about this stuff being right or wrong. Just ignore it. Why? Your kids will be adults and they will reflect on their upbringing and at that point it will be crystal clear what was right or wrong. When they are 25 years old they will form an adult perspective on you and your ex. That perspective will last a lifetime.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 02:33 PM
3

Easy. Tell him you are buying two airline tickets and making a trip. Go with him, just to be safe. See what happens when they meet in person.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/24 01:18 PM
5

You have no chance because you are not even close to being connected or aligned. You’ve lost all confidence. How can you fix things where you both have one foot out the door? The entire heaviness of your relationship will lift if you can sit down and agree on the following: You aren’t divorcing. You’re not leaving her. She’s not leaving you. You don’t know how, but you’re both going to figure this out. The past is history. It’s about moving forward. It’s going to be a new marriage. We’re going t…
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/24 07:08 PM
3

People can exhibit narcissistic behaviors but it does not mean they are a narcissist. Gaslighting and egotistical behaviors are not reserved for narcissists. Just another way to place a label on someone. 99% of people don’t even know definition of a true narcissist.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 02:48 PM
12

I’ll share my story. We bought a house that was not in the greatest of shape. It was a great deal as it was waterfront. Just needed a lot of updating. My ex was the one who had the idea of how to open it up and how to remodel. Now admittedly, life got in the way and progress was slow. Kids and other priorities took over. Well……long story short, she cheated and we divorced. I kept the house. Mainly because interest rate was super low and she did not want it. Buyout was very favorable due to a lot…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 02:17 AM
3

Get with your lawyer and see what is legally required to get your kids into counseling, given the specifics of your custody agreement. You may be able to without her consent. You may need to get a court order. Most courts rule in favor because therapy is considered only beneficial. Given the circumstances, would think it would easily be granted. What is certain is a therapist is a mandatory reporter. Anything traumatic that comes up in therapy must be reported to CPS or the police.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/24 04:07 AM
3

What? You think that drug dealer thing is working out? You think your ex still got those ass tingles? Hell no! You know damn well she f’d up when she made her choice. She just started to realize it. She feels like shit and the only thing that will make her feel better is if she thinks you are shittier without her. Your problem is you think, that she thinks, like a man. Woman live life comparing. If her “bf” beat her every day and you were in jail for 10 years, she’d be happy. She’s fishing for s…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 04:38 AM
10

If your attorney is worth a shit, he will advise you to provide information for all credit cards, investments and retirements that are solely in your name. Anything joint, let them do the work. As for resume- just put jobs held & education and dates. Do the opposite of a trying to get a job. LoL.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 03:38 AM
15

Its stages…….women marry men with the intent of attaining safety and security. Big part of that is financial. If the marriage does not give them financial stability they start looking for someone who will. If the marriage does provide the financial stability, they then start seeking the next stage- happiness. If they are not happy, it’s the mans fault. The financial stability will provide asset splits and the alimony to allow them to find happiness. Either way, as a guy, you’re screwed.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/24 01:41 AM
9

This is an awful lot of writing for some simple correlations- Divorced women in their 30’s - 50’s are all full of baggage. The one’s that aren’t? Well, they are married. It’s that simple. Baggage aside. These divorced women are also delusional. Their lack of self-awareness and accountability doesn’t automatically appear after divorcing. Point is, the perfect woman does deserve the perfect man. However, these woman are far from perfect. Expectations do not align with the reality of who they are.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 01:24 PM
8

Just find something else she can punish you with instead. Buy a boat and pretend to love it. She’ll go after that instead.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/24 09:35 PM
2

You follow the court order…….period.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 07:13 PM
4

DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING. You are entitled to half of ALL accumulation of wealth during the marriage and likely alimony. It does not matter if accounts are joint or separate.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 01:03 AM
15

Well, if I married a wife who had zero care about her husbands needs, then no. I am not saying she should force herself to have sex with you. She should, however, recognize the significance of not having sex with her spouse. It’s not good. In other words “I know not wanting to have sex is bad for our marriage. We need to get help to get through this. I want to want to have sex”
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 08:54 PM
1

I would have the talk but the key is to be prescriptive with your wording: “I want a partner (not directed at her) that…………” “I want a home where (not specific to your home)………”
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 01:46 AM
12

Being friends or amicable is all part of the female narrative. The male term is apathy. Simply put, you couldn’t care less about her and what she does, and you absolutely couldn’t care less about what she thinks about how you live your life. The goal is emotionless interaction.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/24 05:42 AM
7

Because they buy into modern feminist bullshit which is just brainwashing in their 20s and 30s. At 35 or so biology kicks in and there’s no feminist crap on TikTok or Youtube that has any chance to combat the instinctual desires to procreate.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/24 02:02 AM
4

Just call her out on it. “These jabs- I get it. Poke at me to the point where I blow up and you can call me an abusive asshole. Then you can go home and justify all the shitty stuff you did to destroy everyone’s life. “
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/24 02:49 AM
1

It’s all about being single before jumping back in. Just because someone is over their marriage does not mean they are ready to date. It’s a mindset. It’s less about getting over the marriage and more about being content as someone who is single. Having the mindset that your goal is to replace what you had, is unhealthy. It’s not like trading in a car. Having the mindset that being single for ever is not a bad thing, is healthy. Partners should take you from good to great. Relying on any partner…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/24 03:07 AM
6

First, never stray from a simple fact. She chose to cheat. It’s not about you, alcohol, or any other narrative she chooses to tell herself to make her feel justified in destroying her family. Just block it all out. You cannot figure this out. Again, bottom line is she chose to value a fling over her husband and family. That’s the reality. She’s disgusting. Second, you need to move on today. Everyday. Small steps.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/24 01:30 AM
7

Be careful. It’s a trap. She tells you that you are incapable of not watching your child. She says this repeatedly. You give up. Months later, she then claims you have no interest in the child and do not want to see them. The only reason you have a “sudden interest” is child support. Need to email or text daily requesting access to the child for longer durations. Keep the documentation.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/24 08:00 PM
7

While you may have compassion for her situation and it may not be her “doing” to have full custody, this is a terribly bad situation. First, need to understand if you are being “white knighted”. Is she looking for a savior to help her financially to help her raise her kids? Steer clear of that and resist the temptation to be a provider. Once her kids are raised and she has minimal financial shoring, you’ll be gone. Second, she has zero time to be a partner or manage a relationship. Again, she’s …
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/24 06:40 PM
5

I have kids but will share my experience. Early on, I missed everything. Didn’t matter if I was busy or not. Just trigger overload. After about a year that kind of waned. There were times where I was just lonely. Activities, projects and work kept me busy. I was no longer missing her. Things settled in by then. Unless I was doing something, I just felt lonely. Throughout all of this I was dating. Bad move. Just wasn’t into it at all. I hurt two women bad with some of my behaviors. Truly, my bigg…
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/24 01:57 AM
8

Dude you have no idea how expensive women are. No idea. It was only when I divorced that I started questioning money. I have really good income and we saved a ton so never really looked close at the day-to-day. I just don’t buy $12 coffees at Starbucks everyday, don’t buy organic, grass fed whatever the fuck ground beef, and all that other stupid shit she wasted money on. Not to mention clothes, cosmetics, shampoos. Ridiculous crap.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 02:08 AM
6

Need to be real. Do you have any evidence that during the marriage she was incapable of taking care of the kids? She was a SAHM. You can’t say she is incapable of watching kids and at the same time you let her be a SAHM. You can try to get custody through a settlement. If it gies to trial, you will waste a lot of your resources with a low likelihood of getting what you want. Unfortunately, what you need to do is get the divorce finalized with a goal of 50/50 and then make sure you collect eviden…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 02:30 PM
10

Two pieces of advice. You can care about her. She is the mother of your child. Caring about her does not mean taking care of her. No longer your obligation. You can’t help her. You just can’t. There’s nothing you can do.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 02:18 PM
2

Use Libor or SOFR. Former is being replaced by latter. Pick highest and go with it.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 12:32 AM
4

Instead of embracing everything she was blessed with in this short life, she took it for granted. It was her decision to cheat, her decision to divorce, her decision to break up her family. Her decision to blame you. She has to live the rest of her life with that. It’s a lonely painful existence where no one will ever give her compassion or sympathy. Don’t be like her. Blaming her is including her in your life. Be better. Wasn’t your decision and you don’t need to live with that. Move on. There …
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 02:34 AM
3

Amen
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 12:13 AM
3

The “warning shots to change”…….falls under point two, assuaging guilt. Guy doesn’t change, then she says she tried. Guy changes, and she says “too little too late”.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 05:41 PM
17

Women ask for separation for two reasons. First is they want to “play the field”. Get a few days a week for a guilt free pursuit of someone better. Package comes with a back-up plan (you). Second is their mind is made up. They are done. They just don’t want to be the one to break up the family. They all aspire to say “we mutually agreed and are still best friends”. My advice is to be very clear. Just say you are not interested in separation. You’ll do everything in your power to work on the marr…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 04:34 AM
2

Doctors do get paid well. That’s about it. Most are pretty nerdy and basically give up any social life until they are 30. So yea, the first girl that comes around with an MRS degree has then enamored. They marry quick. The life of a Dr. is a grind. It really is. Have to be on your game all the time. Especially anesthesiologists, surgeons, etc. When they’re not working, they’re on call. Very limited opportunity to blow off steam. Add to this, the wives shut down. Those that don’t divorce, have af…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 09:46 PM
5

This is where critical thinking and really stratifying data is important. It’s been a while since I looked at the data, but I think it’s important to understand the breakdown. Ages, first, second, even third marriages, incomes, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 09:32 PM
2

Brother, it’s all about the processing of primal instincts. Something threatens you. Doesn’t matter what it is. Your body sets off an alarm. Adrenaline starts flowing. Your engine is revving at 10,000 rpms. Somethings got to happen. You either run or attack. As men, we typically attack. That’s the anger. You burn the energy. The cycle repeats- threaten, adrenaline, attack, anger. The cycle is exhausting. Hatred is the desire for the threat, and the cycle, to go away. It’s literally wishing they …
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 04:43 PM
3

Ah yes…..Narcissism. The term for any man that dares to act on his self interests.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 03:03 AM
5

As you progress through all of this, you will get better at “reading between the lines”. In marriage, couples support each other emotionally throughout the parenting process. There are things you do, or things that happen that are tough as part of the parenting process. Married couples support each other. Unfortunately, when you co-parent, you are no longer a couple. That emotional support is no longer part of the deal. So let’s be real. Your child asking her that question must have stung like h…
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/24 01:40 PM
3

Simple. All about values. I believe in God. You don’t. Our beliefs differ. So what. Not a point worth arguing. At the same time, we both value honesty. Isn’t that more important?
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/24 09:47 PM
3

You need to fight like hell to prevent any relocation. If you have joint physical custody, it’s near impossible for her to relocate. Appears you don’t have that. Need to keep in mind judges rule based on best interest of the child: Child will have limited access to his father and a relationship with his father. This means you need to spend every bit of time you can with him. Need to establish he is well grounded and doing well in current situation. She will need to argue the move benefits the ch…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/24 12:38 PM
6

The problem with nesting is you pretend to separate your lives, when in reality they are not separated.
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 03:18 PM
2

Here’s some things to consider- Liquidate everything now. Do not create some arrangement with housing that lingers beyond the divorce finalization. Market value is what it is and is non negotiable. Personally, I would figure out if giving her all or a larger portion of the home equity and her share of the retirement can eliminate the need for alimony. That is the prize. Key to this strategy is- if alimony is not awarded, it can never be adjusted. So if you earn more over the years, or get big bo…
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/24 02:29 PM
3

Simple perspective on advice everyone gives. Take what you want or don’t want out of the equation for moving forward. Point is- whether it’s health, career, kids, interests, etc. you can work on all those things independent of your marital status. Read up on 180 and grey rock. It’s part of moving forward and is accretive to all outcomes. It is a fail safe approach to your situation.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/24 07:13 PM
3

Smart man. When they ask for separation, all it means is they want an insurance policy.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/24 06:12 PM
12

Women don’t ever desire to feel needed by men. It’s a maternal feeling that destroys relationships. They desire to feel wanted. For context, “need” is the feeling a woman has that the man cannot survive without her. “Want” is the feeling that she is accretive to the man’s success and happiness. What I find very interesting, is that the divorced women that I know (including my ex) that are really struggling, share a common reality- they are hyper obsessed with their ex, because- The ex is demonst…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/24 02:32 PM
1

Once the divorce is finalized, the decree is considered a court order in which both parties must comply. You can choose to define the school district in the decree. You stated you did not want to do this. If you don’t define in the decree, then it’s up to both parents to agree on the schooling. If you cannot agree, then you can later file a motion for the courts to decide. There will be a hearing and the court will rule and place an order. My opinion is you will lose, unless there’s evidence her…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/24 01:20 PM
3

I would imagine if there is a finalized divorce, there will be a decree. The reason I asked about alimony and child is that is usually spelled out in the decree. Alimony can be omitted but child support cannot (at least in most states).
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/24 07:53 PM
2

Interesting. I have a question…..assume you have a decree. Does the decree require you to pay alimony & child support? If so, are you paying?
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/24 04:14 PM
6

Here’s the caution and here’s where your lawyer gets all of this. Everybody starts out with 50/50. Then the asset splits, alimony and child support are tallied. There’s some moment where it sinks in to her that she may end up working two jobs, or have no life or whatever. The only lever to pull for more money is custody. The more custody, the more child support.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/24 12:59 PM
2

Let me ask one simple question to help you understand. What have you agreed to for asset split, child support and alimony?
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/24 12:42 PM
15

She is once again painting her own fantasized narrative about being the victim. When she had the affair, she “rewrote history” and created this narrative about your marriage and you being all bad. She then created this narrative about AP being her soul mate, etc. She was a victim and had no choice in the matter. It’s your fault. Now that she was “pumped and dumped”, ruined her life and the lives of people closest to her, she needs to create another victim narrative. The new narrative is you are …
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/24 01:00 PM
26

Instinctually, men want to provide and build security and safety for their off-spring and their partner. What they can’t inherently provide is the level of nurturing a woman is capable of providing to the off-spring. In order to nurture, a woman needs safety and security. So marriage evolved as sort of trade agreement established many years ago by modern man. Historically, what sustained the trade agreement was desire and loyalty. Men simply asked for loyalty in exchange for providing safety and…
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/24 12:41 AM
5

If you think of life as a journey, logic provides the route we take. Emotions are like the brakes, gas pedal and steering wheel. Need both for the journey. Sorting and understanding emotions is critical. There can be multiple emotions at play. Sort them and understand them. Grief- Doesn’t necessarily mean you grieve losing her. You can grieve the loss of the marriage. The loss of everything you invested. Trepidation- Natural to have uncertainty about a future. Even in misery, there’s stability a…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/24 01:08 PM
5

Well there’s your answer. Crystal clear. She has zero desire to be with you, and zero care about rebuilding a family. She wants the money. That’s it.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/24 09:17 PM
12

It’s not about finding a soulmate. Implies there’s one woman on the planet. Needle in a haystack. Nonsense. A more reasonable mindset is the thought that there’s a compatible person, who (with connection, time and effort) can become your soulmate. Becoming soulmates is a journey that takes many, many decades.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/24 03:01 PM
12

Yeah…so….appears she doesn’t love you, she doesn’t want to keep a family together, she does not admit she has made her share of mistakes. Motive is money and hardship. So here’s my suggestion to validate that, and give you peace. A simple “acid test”. Just say you would love to work on the relationship, get counseling and try again, but would still like to pursue the divorce. If she’s genuinely concerned about losing you and separating you from your child, then she’ll be open to that.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/24 02:54 AM
4

What reason did she give you for wanting to stop the divorce?
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/24 01:37 AM
12

If you get what you want in mediation, run with it. If you think delaying this will somehow change her mind you are crazy. Here’s two truths. If they ever come back: It’s only when you are completely done with them. (Trust me, you won’t want her back.) It’s with their tail between their legs. (Their life sucks, you are plan B.)
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/24 09:30 PM
6

This is great and thanks. Is there a part two? You know the part where to woman takes the dream job and three months later is fired because she cost too much and they no longer need her- ie pumped and dumped. Then realizes her old job is no longer available. Old boss hired someone younger and more productive to replace her?
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/24 02:02 AM
7

First off. The keeping the house for the kids is an absolute fallacy. As soon as YOU leave that house, it’s no longer a home. Add to this, you need to create two comfortable homes for your kids. You deserve that. $1,000 a month is a big chunk towards a good home for you and the kids. Second. You need to think about a year down the road when she brings some new dude around. How will your kids feel about some guy sleeping in YOUR bed? How will you feel about that? Third, you need to let the proces…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/24 03:06 PM
6

Yep. This falls right in line with my contention that women need to stop ingesting the bullshit that they can have it all. They think they can have a demanding career, be a nurturing mother and good wife. Won’t happen fellas. Something’s gonna break and guess what it always is? Yep the wife part. When your child was born, she snapped. Realized she can’t do all three. She stopped being a wife. You felt it.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/24 05:09 PM
3

You absolutely have to work on taking this day by day. Understand that anxiety and overthinking is physically draining to your body. You are spending a tremendous amount of time thinking and draining energy for nothing. What really helped me was to plan every day- what do I intend to accomplish that day. Follow that up with assessing what was actually done. Realize that when you get what you planned done, you’ll feel good about it.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/24 12:25 PM
8

I am going to say the most sexist shit on earth but I believe it in my heart. Women need to be led. Hear me out. When you cry, grovel, sleep on the couch, beg, it’s the biggest turn off in the world. Same with trying to control or dictate. Same with not providing. The change ultimatum puts her in the driver’s seat. Can’t let that happen. Need to do he following: Let her know you are going to change. It’s not to save the marriage. It’s because you want to change. Stop there. No more conversation.…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/24 04:56 PM
3

Dude, my kids have not lost out on anything when it comes to providing.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/24 03:12 AM
4

I can’t speak for all jurisdictions. In my jurisdiction (FL). In Florida, if the original case closes out without any alimony award, you cannot go back and modify the judgment to get alimony. The technical reason is that the court lacks jurisdiction over “alimony” once the no-alimony order is signed. This is an absolute rule – with no way to get around it.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/24 01:48 AM
9

Man I could have wrote most of this. I spent a lot of energy continually pulling her out of the ditch. Nothing major like drugs. Everyday coming home from work was like “ok, what am I walking into today”. Deep breath and spin the fucking wheel. I really get what you are saying. I feel like I care, but not on an emotional level, if that makes any sense. Like I think about something she said or did for about 30 seconds, pause, think if I can or should do anything, then just go about my day. It’s l…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/24 09:07 PM
7

I share this a lot so sorry for folks who have seen me write the following. Knew I was going to be on the hook for alimony. Also knew I would end up likely having to pay more over the years as I felt my career and income increasing. Add to all that, I did not want to stomach writing checks every month. I proposed at mediation to give her one check that would equate to the NPV of future alimony payments. This lump some was in lieu of alimony. The decree was signed. The silver lining in all of thi…
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/24 08:58 PM
3

Just joking……
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/24 12:55 AM
12

Now that I am older, divorced and did the middle age dating, I am far too cynical. I get the crushing thing. Just give it some time and I am sure you’ll be pumping the brakes. You’ll find something crazy like her 30 year old twin boys live at home or she’s broke because she invested everything in blackmarket Vietnamese crypto-currency or she runs a rescue for ferrets out of her home.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/24 12:38 AM
8

LOL there’s always someone out there looking to make lemonade out of your sour-ass!
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/24 05:26 PM
4

What if you are better off without her and are a better dad as a result?
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/24 05:23 PM
11

Simple. Apples and Oranges. You have Apples to trade, she has Oranges to trade. Problem is, she doesn’t want Apples and you don’t want Oranges. You tried to figure out to get each other to trade to no avail. Maybe someone wants her Oranges and is willing to trade for something she wants. Maybe her Oranges are shitty and no one wants them. Maybe someone steals her Oranges. Regardless, you have no use for Oranges, ergo no use for her. So stop caring about something you don’t want. Figure out what …
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/24 05:05 PM
9

What you have is a situation where your STBX is battling resentment. That is how your past behaviors still affect her. Resentment occurs when a person feels they had to make a choice they did not want to make, and as a result they suffer the consequences. The choice they made was often the easy choice to avoid short-term guilt. The trade-off is long term resentment. Let me give a simple example. Going out to dinner party with wife. You tell her you love a pair of shoes that look great with her d…
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/24 01:34 PM
14

You need to handle this is the following way if you want this to be clean. Need to keep your GF completely out of your kids lives right now. If she’s a keeper she’ll understand. If she’s not around, no accusations can be made. Courts don’t care about GFs and will place a court order for YOU to not allow GF to be around for any stupid, unsubstantiated reason. Second, never allow GF to interact in anyway with ex. Have GF block ex on everything. Now, if ex harasses, have the GF file a TRO with you …
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/24 04:44 PM
13

Funny story. I had the same after divorce. I just assumed it was age. Went to doc and got a script. It worked. So kept taking them. Well, was on vaca. with GF and forgot them. Oh shit! Lo and behold, was fine without them. Guessing here, but thinking it may have been anxiety all along. The mere fact I took the pills gave me confidence. Just saying. So haven’t used in a year. As for the follow-up. Stay clear of any woman that actually wants a father. There’s a huge difference between a woman want…
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/24 03:47 PM
3

So I can’t weigh in on any $ amount. I would say this. If you can afford it pay lump sum vs payments. I did this. Mainly for two reasons. I did not want to deal with alimony. When you pay lump sum instead of alimony, they can’t adjust. I also felt writing one big painful check was better than then the monthly pain of writing little checks. Now, what I didn’t anticipate, was my ex blowing it on AP within a few months. That was the prize to me. He took her to the cleaners, bailed and I laughed my …
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/24 03:08 AM
8

There’s her, there’s you and there’s the relationship. When it comes to her, you don’t miss her. Trust me. Put an X through that one. When it comes to you, things become scary. You had a lot in your life that was stable, comfortable and predictable. Now not so much. Just a big change. That’s all. Happens to all of us. Then there’s the relationship. It’s not so much the memories of whatever you think about. It’s about the life you invested in the marriage. A lot of blood, sweat and tears invested…
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/24 07:00 PM
11

Separate the marriage from the person. It’s reasonable and normal to grieve the loss of the marriage and not grieve the loss of the person. The difference? That marriage had a lot of YOU invested in it. It’s time, money, emotions, sacrifice that you personally made.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/24 08:25 PM
7

It’s not about time. It’s about finding yourself, friendships and experiencing life. Love is about sharing all of these things.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/24 03:56 PM
5

Divorce is all about willing to be lonely, seeing kids half the time and financially strapped as a trade off to not having to live with and deal with your ex on a daily basis. In other words, the worse case scenario with divorce is better than staying married. As for dating, if you are truly looking at divorce with the right frame of mind, you would not even be thinking about another woman at this point.
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/24 03:35 PM
41

This all happens in phases- Phase 1. During the marriage she is not happy and starts dreaming of all the “what ifs?”. What if I was single and found a billionaire. What if I moved and landed a job double my salary? Instead of making self improvement in her reality, she fantasizes. Phase 2. She convinces herself these fantasies are real. You are the only thing holding her back. She disconnects, preparing her exit. Maybe even has an affair. Establishes divorcee friend group to egg her on. Watches …
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/24 04:57 PM
6

You are correct that the home is a huge part of the divorce both financially and emotionally. Need to understand though that there is a difference between a home and a house. It’s no longer your kids home without you in it. I always advise people to liquidate as many assets as possible. Don’t make emotional sacrifices to save things unless it benefits you financially. I will share my situation. When married, we bought a fixer-upper. It took convincing my ex. It was on a lot with water access (ca…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/24 01:28 PM
7

The reason they appear to have no empathy is modern feminism has them convinced they are entitled and victims. So if anything challenging or uncomfortable happens or if they are not happy then it is a man’s fault; that he is harming her.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/24 01:02 AM
13

Sweet Jesus. I don’t care where you are get the F out of that mess.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/24 05:43 AM
7

Good for you. I tell you once you start improving, it just snowballs. It’s a really great feeling. Just be wary of the next headwinds. I always feel knowing what to expect can help navigate the things that can take oneself off course. When I really got in a good place, there was a lot of sadness. Like “why didn’t I get my shit together sooner?” You’ll feel unmotivated at points. Just speed bumps. The one that I struggle with today is resentment. It is tough. Especially when my ex makes very posi…
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/24 06:26 PM
35

Biggest fears of a divorce woman- 1. They see you change and flourish without her in the picture. 2. They see you in a new relationship where you and new partner treat each other ”better”.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/24 02:42 PM
3

Business transaction. Like it or not. Get a lawyer, get what you are entitled. 180 and move on.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/24 03:37 AM
5

Here’s the thing. If you think you are better (at something) because you have reason, that’s not narcissism. Not necessarily a good thing if it comes across as egotistical or condescending. I mean we are all advantaged and disadvantaged at certain things. True narcissism is genuinely thinking you are superior without any basis- ie you are better because of your mere existence. It’s not based on relationships or interactions with certain people or situations. Reality is narcissism is rare. Everyo…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/24 04:09 AM
10

Another example of government controlling people’s lives. Think about it for a second. Easier to get a driver’s license than a marriage license; cost about the same. At least you have learner’s permit and have to pass a test to drive. There’s no judge presiding over your marriage, yet somehow there’s a need when divorcing.
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/24 06:15 AM
3

I would get out that mess yesterday. Especially given your financial status. I would also use the filing as leverage for her to get the help she needs if she circles back around like before.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 08:26 PM
0

I would challenge that………taking Adderall when correctly diagnosed, combined with dialing in the correct dosage, causes very minimal side effects. That’s why it is FDA approved. However, if the diagnosis is incorrect or the dosage is too high, the side effects (manic behavior) is very common and almost guaranteed.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 07:06 PM
4

It’s the Adderall……..research and see.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 02:37 PM
5

Somewhat relevant. Do your research. Need to find an attorney that represents a very high percentage of male clients. If you find a female, all the better. They get away with a little more. Attorneys are business people. There are some that make a little money per case, handling a lot of cases. (Bottom-feeders.). There are some that make a lot of money, handling a smaller case load. My attorney was expensive, but he earned every dime. Meticulous.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 03:56 AM
3

Just put the language you want in the decree. Simply state that she needs refinance within 2 months or have the home sold within 12 months. If neither occur, the house will be sold at auction.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/24 02:25 PM
3

The challenge with all of this is money. Period. Whether it’s spousal abuse or child abuse allegations, it’s very straight forward to determine deception, or in the case of the child, manipulation. An unbiased and licensed forensic psychologist can easily figure that out. I am not talking about some low-paid social worker. Problem is there are so many accusations, there’s no money to pay for a forensic psychologist to evaluate all these cases. Add to all of this, once again, no consequences for …
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/24 02:15 PM
6

Yea, well you hit the nail on the head. You should’t even think of marriage at 20. College, military, working out of high-school….get your career and adult life going first. You want to be thinking about it between 25 and 30, if that’s what you want.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/24 09:44 PM
10

A few years out. Interesting journey for sure. I remember the anger phase. It was ugly and consuming. I think with just time and self focus and figuring out a future for me and the kids helped. Limited and restricted contact certainly helped. A turning point for me was when she called me one morning because her tire was flat and she needed to get the kids to school. I drove right over, loaded the kids and took them to school. She texts later and said it was a dick move to leave her with the flat…
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 08:20 PM
5

Glad you are doing better. Few things I discovered from my own experience….. “Time” with kids is a perverse yardstick. Quality time with kids is the better measure. Make the most of your time with them. Work your chores & obligations hard outside of having your kids so you get quality time with them when you have them. This also helps the time you don’t have them. Keep busy. I can honestly say I am a way better dad divorced. I am more connected to my kids than ever. Put into perspective what you…
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 02:40 PM
10

Typically, she has no access to your assets once the divorce is finalized. Depending on your state, she could go after more alimony, which is typically based solely on income. I think you are on pretty solid ground.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/24 04:13 PM
10

Even with all the boxes checked, husbands still need to be careful. I think what your writing are minimums requirements, but far from guarantees. There was a post earlier today in one of those infidelity subs where a guy wrote about how remorseful his wife was- ie doing all the right things. Like your list. He also shared that this AP “woo-ed” her and slept with her a few times then dumped her cold. Classic pump and dump. I was thinking, my goodness, she regrets the outcome, not the infidelity.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/24 02:13 AM
17

This one of the many Hollywood brainwashings from the 70’s. All wives are hardworking and supportive June Cleavers and they deserve all this alimony when their husband starts screwing the 20 year old secretary. Show me where that is ever the case nowadays. Reality is your case. You’d probably be making double with way less expenses without them. They are needy and entitled. Never appreciative of anything. In my case, I lost a lot to her. Here’s the thing. The irresponsible idiot blew it. She is …
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 03:12 AM
1

Absolutely. I tell my ex all the time. There is no more “us”. I accept that. You and I can make the same decision and you and I can make the same communication. There is no “us” or “we”.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/23 04:36 AM
3

Have you had a serious sit down with her on her resent? My goodness, she resents you for marrying you, she resents you for divorcing you, she resents you for having to co-parent, she resents you for having a BF she couldn’t care less about.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/23 08:14 PM
7

She’s a real piece of work. Co-parenting is all about making joint decisions and consistent communication around the joint decisions. If this were my ex, I would have said “you and you alone made the decision that I wouldn’t be at the party. ‘we’ didn’t make that decision. Therefore, ‘we’ are not communicating the reasoning. Good luck” It’s all about boundaries. Need to stop the whole “I made a decision, we need to rationalize it” non-sense.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/23 07:01 PM
2

Trying to filter all of this. She is your legal daughter, period. You are on birth certificate. You never lived together, therefore, there is no common law marriage. Only issue to sort out is custody and child support payments. Right? So really, I think your question is…..how does having a girlfriend and potentially introducing her to your child impact custody? Well, she won’t impact provided 1. She has no criminal record or anything that can be determined as a high risk situation for your child…
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/23 05:11 PM
4

Tell your ex you think it’s a great idea and you appreciate her allowing you and your GF to move in with her until you get on your feet in NC. LOL
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/23 08:26 PM
4

Here’s what you need to consider- How did the affair end? I’ll bet it was her AP that ended it, not her. Why is this important? Well, if he circles back, she’ll jump right in. If she is a road performer, she’ll be gone again. How do you deal with that? She had an affair on the precipice of marriage. Think about that. That is the worst time and says a lot. I always give the same advice- 180, grey rock and file. If she decides to work on things, let her drive the process. You need to simply set bo…
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/23 03:13 PM
1

This is contentious. She wants the kids. He wants the kids. He needs a lawyer and so does she. If for any other reason to talk sense into her. Yes, it comes out of marital funds, but that’s what’s needed.
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/23 06:50 PM
3

It’s anxiety. It’s trying to control something you can’t control.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 10:36 PM
5

They leave under the belief that you need them to survive, they do everything in the relationship and you offer absolutely nothing through the marriage. Consistent with this belief is the certainty that you will flounder without them. Her anger is her choice to express her feeling of failure, associated with an outcome that didn’t quite pan-out as predicted. As you are keenly aware, expressing humility and remorse is not in the cards.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 10:31 PM
5

Great answer…..more concise and better than You tube. Expressing emotion, (whether love, hate, anger or sadness), is caring.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 09:28 PM
4

Nothing now will get her attention. So no argument there. A year from now, if she sees you are happier, in better health, more confident, better dad, etc. That will get her attention. Two years from now, if she sees you in a healthy relationship where you are growing as an individual and couple, that will further get her attention. Getting dumped hurts early. Long term though, you can’t regret a decision you didn’t make. She on the other hand……
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 09:25 PM
9

You are doing to much for her at the expense of yourself and ultimately, your kids. Your mindset is if you “suck it up” and attend the events, it’s beneficial to your kids. You cannot be any more wrong in this mindset. You would be better off spending a portion of the holiday with just you and your kids alone and give 100% of yourself to them during that time. They need to feel you being present as a dad. You would be better off going to the movies with just them. Like I wrote in a post yesterda…
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 06:49 PM
4

Need to stop the music and the dance. Bottom line is this. You need to define what you want out of a marriage and a wife. It’s not what you want out of HER specifically. Think of it like going to a dealership and looking for a car. You tell them what you are looking for. Either they have it or they don’t. You can put up with sales pitches or drive to the next dealership. Your choice. No different.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 03:53 AM
1

You are dead on that it’s a pattern or a cycle. I prefer cycle because it’s directional. So many times people get into cycles where she screws you, you screw her, she pisses you off, you piss her off. The new marriage comes in when the cycles go in a new direction— I take care of you, you take care of me….. The key to all of this is agree not to bring you the past and move. forward…..
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/23 06:58 PM
15

Betrayal is a breaking or violation of a presumptive contract, trust or confidence that produces moral and psychological conflict with a relationship……. Divorce is a betrayal. Now, there are situations with abuse, cheating or addiction that are betrayals also. Point is, it’s never black and white, but divorce is a betrayal. Why am I writing this? You would not remain friends with someone who betrayed you and caused a fraction of the pain your in. So, where’s the logic here? You can forgive her. …
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/23 06:19 PM
10

I believe in praxeology and the human action model. People are intentional and purposeful in behavior. Three components to achieve transformational change are discomfort with current state, vision of a better state and confidence they can reach a better state. The divorce conversation creates a different current state. That’s the start. Here’s the real challenge. It’s not about her changing. It’s both of you creating a completely new marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/23 12:12 AM
8

Sounds like a wife who wants to live “rent free” in a relationship. Creative way to frame entitlement.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 10:05 PM
3

Wait. Does she even know this person? Like is this guy from her past or has she even met him in person before? Sounds terrifying that she’s bringing him around your children.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/23 03:19 PM
3

You are way to involved with her and her life. Need to have the mindset that you are doing more harm than good with these conversations. If she’s interested in rejoining the Catholic church, she needs to see a priest. This needs to be your advice. It will not be a comfortable conversation. Priest will be clear that she is living in sin. She would need to dump BF, repent and confess, remain celibate until annulment or reconcile the marriage. This does not need to come from you, the ex husband.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/23 03:13 PM
1

Most all loans written in the last 15 years do not have an assumable loan feature.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/23 04:59 PM
2

It’s all about the interest rate. If you have a low interest rate locked in that is fixed and well below market AND she is not on mortgage then I would absolutely keep the house. If she is on the mortgage, you will need to refinance and that will be at a higher rate. Not worth it.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/23 04:16 PM
1

Bottom line is marriage is work. Her and you. Kids, life, careers, money, it’s all headwinds. There are those who plow through it and those who just expect things to happen. She needs help. Whether it’s you or someone else, it requires work. When we talk about spouses being marriage material, we talk about those who choose to work. Not saying this is 9ver, just pointing out that she needs to make a choice. Work and push or reside to nothing. You get out of it what you put into it. Not complicste…
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 09:41 PM
8

Go after every minute you can get custody-wise with your kid. If she gives you 99% go after it. It’s easier to grant more than ask for more.
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/23 07:45 PM
1

She is not directly trying to make you irrelevant. What she is trying to do is somehow make this BF relevant. Think of it this way- if the boyfriend was a great partner to her (son excluded), she wouldn’t care if he had a “step dad” role. Of course, she’d want him to be good to your son and respectful, but she would not feel the need for him to be so involved.
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/23 02:07 PM
23

Yep…..her kids come first (fine, understandable). Then work. Then her friends and relatives. Then all her time- you know, nails, shopping, whatever. Then whenever there’s a gap to fill, you’re to jump on command. Not saying all women are liked that. The divorced single mom pool is filled with them.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/23 01:28 AM
2

Just saying…..you could win the lottery and be worth millions and your ex wouldn’t care until you spent that money on another woman. Just saying, that’s what this money is about.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/23 01:00 AM
12

I stand by one contention- ex wives absolutely cannot stand when you couldn’t care less about them and when another woman benefits from you. That is what this is all about.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/23 02:28 AM
16

What she is telling you is what she needed from you. Past tense. That does not mean that if you do all these things now you have any chance. She is also telling you she wants all these things- home, raising kids together, attention. However, you are not that person at this point. So….. I always give the same advice. Move on and live by the simple logic that no human has ever chased something that doesn’t move. Have the mindset that you are going to build yourself up to be the best you and potent…
/r/Divorce_Men14/12/23 02:37 AM
2

I hate that his came across as something I am purposely doing. Just pointing out that while things have generally stabilized between my ex and I, my ex tends to get all snippy when I am apathetic or when she sees me doing something nice with or for my GF. While am I still hanging around this forum? Because I still have tough times where I need support and I wish I had people I could connect with when I was going through this. I feel I have something to offer.
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/23 02:49 AM
10

Number one answer is routine. A shitty wife creates chaos and instability. You just give up trying to get any free time. Once divorce is final, you have total control. You set the plan when you have the kids, and when you don’t, you plan your day. That simple.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/23 04:14 AM
8

Get that term out of your head. Use words like respectful, fair, realistic and reasonable. That’s what you are after. This is a business deal where you are negotiating an outcome where both of you lose.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/23 08:14 PM
27

I am a better employee, leader, better mental and physical health, more calm and objective. Better parent. A partner is supposed to help you become better, more fulfilled; help you with faults, help you achieve your full potential. I get it. I own that. Can’t put that totally on her and don’t blame her. Bottom line is I am just better, regardless.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/23 03:28 AM
5

Here’s how you need to think about this. Perhaps she is having second thoughts. Here’s how you you approach- Continue moving on without her. Be your best self. She does not want the old you or the old marriage. She may however, want a new you and explore a new marriage. Finally, resist the temptation to bring this up. She initiated the divorce. She is very much aware it’s on her to reverse course of she wants to.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/23 01:02 AM
9

Been a while since you posted. Sounds like affair fog is lifting. If this is the case, definitely stay clear. She wants to either assuage her guilt or try to get back with you or both. Don’t be a fool and think you’ll get some heartfelt apology.
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/23 05:44 PM
8

The three dangers as I see them. You tend to over index on compensating for your ex’s negative traits and tend to look past other important traits. Your ex cheated, so you are hyper-focused on loyalty. Just don’t discount other potential flags. You try to replicate the relationship with your ex. This is like recasting the same play with a different lead actor. Not good. Different play, different actor. You move too fast. Like #2, you want to comfort and connection you thought you had with your e…
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/23 12:28 AM
20

Consider this from a very practical and logical perspective. If she was truly healed and addressing her addictions and mental health, the last thing on her mind would be trying to get back with you or enter any other relationship. Now, his does not mean she shouldn’t try to make amends and effectively co-parent. Further adding to this, is the desire to have sex. It’s the same behavior exhibited during the affairs. It’s driven by dependency. My friend, she is far, far from healed and sober.
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/23 07:00 PM
7

We date and sometimes marry our unresolved issues. It’s counterintuitive but true, especially for women.
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/23 05:20 PM
8

Yep best to grey rock. She will tell you all the stupid, insensitive crap she did with the expectation that you tell her “it’s all right, you are a great person, the divorce was all on me, you deserve better.” When you listen and say thanks or I appreciate you owning up to that, they get all mad.
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/23 05:18 PM
1

Think of it this way-from the child’s perspective. You start doing very well-intentioned things as a family and the kids love it. Sounds great. Could be Christmas Trees, Easter, Birthdays. Heck could even be vacations. Nothing wrong. Your children now have expectations. If you get a GF or your ex-wife progresses things with this BF, will you both make these “family outings” deal breakers for your relationships? In other words, if your new GF says she’s uncomfortable are you willing to say “tough…
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/23 03:49 PM
5

Get the whole idea of blended families out of your head. It’s another romantic ideology with zero roots in anything credible. You’re a dad to your kids, GF is a mom to hers. You and your girlfriend’s roles are simply that of role models for relationships and to some extent opposite sex role models. Neither of you are parents for each other’s kids. Means no discipline, unsolicited “advice”, forced names (ie stepdad), or forced affection (hugs, kisses). In short, kids will accept you and your GF i…
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/23 03:38 PM
5

Not sure Elon Musk is the best source for guidance. Only want to share that you need to think about grieving, acceptance, vision and feelings. Need to grieve the 20 years. Yes, it’s a loss and yes it’s impactful. Need to accept that, like it or not, this is your life. Now, the real key is vision. The last 20 years you had a future vision about family, marriage, career, everything. Need to create a new vision. Starts with painting a picture of your life 3, 5, 10 or 20 years from now. You can’t dr…
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/23 02:51 PM
3

If you reimburse your wife for the premiums, then you are correct.
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/23 02:05 PM
5

In MS there are 12 grounds for at-fault divorce. The only chance is proving “habitual cruelty”. This is very hard to prove, especially if a male. Your best chance is to mediate through lawyers and “buy” a no-fault divorce through the settlement. You can do that in MS. It will cost you.
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/23 05:53 PM
10

Sharing my approach which worked for me. Not saying this is for everyone. Need to first establish stability & routine. Schedule your obligations by priority. Especially important if you co-parent. Obvious priorities are work and days & when you have the kids. Key with kids is blocking out time for them. Many say go to the gym and that is fine. I always worked out, so just had to bake that time in my schedule. Now, here’s the tricky part. The gaps. My advice is to fill those with social activitie…
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/23 03:32 PM
19

Celebrate the Holiday for what it is……there are people out there struggling and, by comparison, you have it really good. You have your kids, extended family, a good meal and a roof over your head. While this situation is not good, you have an awful lot to be thankful for. You can choose to isolate in your own head or you can choose to contribute to the closeness, warmth and connection that only a family can create. Embrace what you have.
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/23 03:46 PM
5

Shove the Hollywood Publix commercial BS aside. In my experience, with really healthy divorces, the term step-dad isn’t even present. It’s Gus or Joe or my mom’s husband. The most contemporary research dissuades from using step mom or dad. No question these people can be good role models. Especially, if they are visibly part of a good marriage. It’s something a child can model.
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/23 03:48 AM
2

If you are close to settling you need to get the language tight and she needs to qualify for a refinancing. Need to get language in the settlement that states she will have 3 months to qualify and refinance with you receiving half equity. Key is a deadline which, if not met, means you sell the house and split proceeds.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/23 01:21 PM
3

Let’s consider the basics that drive connection in any marriage- Typically, a man has a strong desire to provide. The basic need is to provide safety. Safety is provided through building the “nest”- Income, wealth, shelter. The tangibles. There’s also the need to provide emotional safety. It’s being there and making her feel secure. Men also have needs to receive. Most basic is appreciation and loyalty. All of this is instinctual. All of these male needs are connected to a woman’s needs. A woman…
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/23 02:24 PM
3

Everybody’s different, but I can tell you that wive’s are way more expensive than you can imagine. The whole gambit- especially if they didn’t work. Think of what they spend on clothes, cosmetics, and all the silly shit that adds up- Starbucks, eating out, kids…. That all ended. I am not a cheap person by any means. Don’t get me wrong, divorce puts you in a hole.
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/23 03:54 AM
3

Nothing is relevant other than really three factors when determining if a verbal agreement can “stand up” in court. While not an agreement per-say, any documents like an email or texts to substantiate a verbal agreement. So if there are communications that state he does not expect repayment, that is not a verbal agreement for a loan. Conversely, if he communicated to pay him back when you can, that indicates it was indeed a loan. If there are any unbiased or non-stakeholders that can be witnesse…
/r/Divorce_Men21/11/23 03:30 AM
2

Just tell her you want a divorce. You are completely disconnected, acting as roommates and you intend to file next business day. She’ll say a whole lot. Just listen. When she’s done, just ask to have her unlock her phone and hand it to you.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/23 03:41 AM
4

None whatsoever. Life is about things you can control and a whole lot of things you can’t control. Like you, I thought about situations and decisions that I may or should have handled differently. I can recall a lengthy conversation I had with my ex and I still feel a little humiliated. Rather than pouring my guts out, I should have just left. I could have controlled that. However, maybe leaving early would have resulted in a drunk driver hitting me and losing my life. That was out of my control…
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/23 02:48 PM
1

I can totally relate. I’ve been in a relationship with someone now for a couple years. At the onset, I just liked her. She was easy to talk to, laid back, had her head on straight. Add to this really attractive. Honestly, there was no fireworks or butterflies or any of the Hollywood spark filled kiss bullshit. That concerned me. I drank the Kool-Aid thinking somehow that was necessary. It’s not. I think it’s more about my maturity than divorce and all that other crap. My advice is don’t blame th…
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/23 03:06 AM
8

It’s quite simple. Wrote this many times. The opposite of accountability is victimhood. Since she cannot take accountability for her actions and the marriage dissolving, she must therefore be a victim. Right? Every victim needs an assailant. That’s you.
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/23 02:05 AM
2

Glad to see you’re wrapping things up. What’s interesting to me is this whole perspective around BF. She absolutely is using him. Even if she genuinely likes the guy, she’s still using him. If she were taking care of her kids and contributing her fair share towards the living arrangement, then it would not be using him. Not to worry you but I’d be scared about this whole thing. What sane guy would support a GF AND another man’s kids so early on in a relationship?
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/23 05:25 PM
6

Everything I have read (and my personal experience) is kids need predictability and stability more than anything else. What’s detrimental is conflict, yelling or arguing. Having a silent non-confrontational hand-off is not detrimental, provided that’s the routine. In fact, even if you and your ex got along, I would not recommend changing the hand-off routine. Don’t let toddler’s behavior get in your head. I mean they are toddlers. Some days they are elated to see you, others they don’t want to g…
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/23 03:40 PM
13

Read a lot of the posts on these forums. Like 70% of divorces that start out amicable end up shit shows anyway. Key is you need to man-up with all of this. Not saying you are not a man, just saying now is the time to drive your interests. Need to tell her flat out you are pursuing divorce. The day she cheated was the day you were done. That day you were relieved of any spousal obligations and no longer a husband. This is a business transaction now. If she wants this to be easy, then you’re open …
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/23 07:40 PM
6

Absolutely. Deal with reality and not unfounded ideologies. Reality is “men hold the key to relationships, women hold the key to sex”. Most often, women fly out out of marriages looking for the next relationship with their legs spread wide open. They get plowed though and are miserable. None of these guys want a relationship with her, or the ones that do are a big step down from what she left.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/23 03:10 PM
9

There’s tax benefits through filing jointly and tenants by entireties laws that provide asset protection. That’s about it.
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/23 01:59 AM
1

Never, ever ask the kids where they want to stay in the early stages of divorce. You and your stbx make an agreement and that’s what happens. If you have a good relationship, especially living in such proximity, you can flex the arrangement in the future? Why you don’t allow the kids pick? Too much to handle, especially if they feel the decision is like taking sides. Just say “this is what your mother and I decided” with her present. Also never ask there opinion on something like that without yo…
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/23 01:26 AM
8

Yep…..your comment at the end is puzzling. The only way she becomes “mommy boss” is if you submit to her. That’s on you.
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/23 08:33 PM
0

That’s where you trip. She pulls you into an argument. Can’t argue with asking questions or expressing feelings. Continue to ask questions.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/23 06:56 PM
-1

It’s a person’s desire to have there way at any cost. It’s a combination of confidence and upbringing where there’s some reward system deeply engrained in her psyche- self-confidence, low self-esteem, etc. They equate having there to being “right” or empowered or winning. Most of us would gladly trade being “right” for the best decision. There’s no logic or facts that work with these people. None. The only way to combat this is as follows: The only statements are “I feel” statements. Even the mo…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/23 06:33 PM
6

The opposite of accountability is victimhood. Look it up. So if she is not accountable, she has to be the victim, right? Every victim needs an assailant. Guess who that is? Yep, you. Same goes for you. You probably weren’t the perfect husband. Own that. You probably weren’t given a chance to work on things. Accept that. This may be her life’s worst decision. This may be the best decision she ever made. Dissociate from that. Neither has any impact on your life ahead.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/23 05:44 PM
2

There’s no legal or financial benefit. It’s purely for you and your kids. Trust me. Need to get proof for when your kids are older. That’s the key. Your kids will want to know why you divorced. When old enough, you can either lie and talk about drifting apart or whatever or you can tell them the truth- their mother was unfaithful. It’s not about being vindictive or painting yourself in a better life. It’s about teaching your kids how a selfish and thoughtless act can destroy a family. May preven…
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/23 02:08 AM
4

Assuaging guilt. She wants to do counseling to tell your kid and the world she tried. Need to tell her that Marriage Counseling, by definition, is a means to fix a marriage. Husband and wife. If she has no interest, then just ask her, what’s the point?
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/23 01:36 AM
19

The divorce itself is a form of betrayal, especially if she did not sit you down months ago, communicate her feelings, and try and work on the marriage. Situation with trainer doesn’t help. The response to any divorce is grey rock, regardless of whatever outcome you are looking for. Simply put, you unplug from her and move forward with your life. Limit any interaction to co-parenting. Amicable applies to co-parenting only. You need to view your relationship with her like two business partners di…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/23 01:48 PM
7

They always snap out of it. It’s a matter of when and it’s a matter of if you’ll even know or be in a position to care. Unfortunately, you play a huge part in this. If you try talking her out of this, there’s no chance of her coming to her senses quickly. Simple formula- accept, grey-rock, start doing your own things, better yourself. That’s it.
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/23 01:11 PM
2

That’s why they call it a fog. Sometimes it lifts slowly, sometimes it burns off quick. Fact is, no matter what she tries to do, she has no control over it. She may think she does. She may play games. Relaity always sets in.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/23 04:00 PM
7

No but need to vet the driver of the “no kids”. There’s usually two- 1. Career and independence. 2. Trauma. Career and independence is typically age related. When they hit 30’s with no kids, the hormones kick in. Called baby fever. Sounds like your wife. Makes no difference what she may have said prior. She has no control. Trauma is usually a fear of a dependence, confidence, anxiety, etc. Usually stems from trauma early on.
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/23 07:27 PM
8

This is all due to the affair. Affairs are fantasies. Once they start down the path of divorce and the affair encroaches on reality there’s little delineation. So whether its you being friends, schools, housing, or financials it’s all part of a fantasy. The affair “fogs” reality. Reality is shrouded by the fog and she loves that. Think about signing papers. That’s part of reality. That lifts the fog somewhat. That’s what she is avoiding.
/r/Divorce_Men20/10/23 07:18 PM
2

Your example doesn’t even imply this husband was an “asshole”. I mean he may completely vanilla and probably she has “bad boy” syndrome. That’s not him being or an asshole. I don’t want to debate though because bottom line is she’s on a path of self destruction. This AP will suck every dollar out of her and bail.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/23 09:40 PM
5

I read the comments while watching. Overwhelmingly, people are calling her an idiot. Of those, a few compassionate. I couldn’t find one blaming the husband.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/23 07:45 PM
3

This has got to be one of the saddest and disgusting videos I have ever watched. This woman is a disaster. She had everything and flushed it for the “bad boy” excitement. Don’t be fooled. They were both in a hyper-religious marriage and it’s certainly would be her prerogative to move beyond that. Thing is, she never approached her husband, sat down and talked about it. She chose to have an affair with a “recovered” meth addict that still drinks and does drugs. She chose to spend $7k for AP to ge…
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/23 06:22 PM
7

I think what’s key to the conversation is not telling her what she needs to do or not do. It comes across as confrontational or demanding or ultimatums. I think what’s important is you simply stating what you need out of a relationship. There are two types of needs. First is what you need from a partner. You need someone who appreciates you. You need someone supportive. You need intimacy. Whatever. Second is your need to provide to that partner. You do have needs to provide- could be emotional s…
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/23 02:44 AM
3

Sorry I missed that you filed. Either way, sounds like she checked out. Best of luck.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/23 04:38 PM
9

At the onset, I buy that. I mean more women initiate divorce, so yes more men are getting blindsided. As such it’s harder to process early on. The problem with this gray divorce stuff is time. Ideally these women (and men) should have the foresight to see they have the opportunity to do it all. What I mean is there’s plenty of time to spend with friends, family and hobbies without sacrifice. There’s time to spend with a spouse. With kids out of the equation, there’s far less sacrifices. Point is…
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/23 04:19 PM
1

This is how lawyers work. First thing her attorney wants is to see how big of a money grab they have. From your perspective, going to have to give it up anyway so no big deal to comply.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/23 10:59 PM
1

Both good ideas provided wife is not on the mortgage.
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/23 05:34 PM
3

Heartbreaking, but rest assured, you can be a top tier dad with the time you’re allotted. Just make it a mission to have quality time when you have them.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 08:58 PM
1

It’s largely correlated to how her life is going. So it cycles from good to bad. At least that’s been my experience for the last few years. Crazy as it seems, if her life is terrible, she needs to make her relationship with you worse to justify the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 03:00 PM
4

Lawyer is right. No way around it. Split equity an walk.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/23 03:47 AM
2

It really has to do with trusting your wife, post divorce. This is all on her. If she remarries, this new guy needs positioned as a husband, a role model and a partner in household authority. This is very different than a “step parent”.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/23 01:36 AM
1

First off, she cannot sell the house if your name is on the title. The realtor wont even list without an agreement and the agreement needs signed by both of you. Just refuse. Second, you don’t do anything until you get it in the decree. You are still married. If you sell the house now, get the money and she blows it somehow, you are screwed. Get the decree with an agreement to list and sell and split he equity.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/23 01:21 AM
2

Whoa. Slow down. Is your name on the title?
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/23 12:34 AM
9

Absolutely. Look, if you just sit there or beg or pine or whatever, you create stability within the unstable situation. You partner does what they want knowing you are there right where they left you. You are also proof positive you are not changing. Add to all of this it’s perceived as a ploy. If you move on, the dynamic shifts. Moving on means self improvement, shave, new hairstyle, hygiene, new clothes, work out, go out. Whatever. Bottom line is you become intriguing. Add to this, she may not…
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/23 04:59 AM
4

It’s absolutely outstanding. My ex was so upset that my kids did not want to spend time with her, in her new apartment. It wasn’t their bed, their closet, their bathroom, their kitchen. In fact, 3 years out the call my house “home”. They call their mom’s apartment “mom’s apartment”. All their friends live near here. Of course my kids don’t know the reason for divorce. Standard grew apart talk……. However, it has that “feel” that mom left us. Trust me, when they are old enough the will know mom go…
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/23 01:18 AM
4

There’s nothing you can do but grey rock and even then it doesn’t mean she wont lash out. Anything you do would likely result in a conflict. I live by the following. Anger is not an emotion. It’s a response to hurt (ego), frustration or fear. I feel this has helped me with my own anger and also understanding other’s anger.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/23 12:45 PM
2

Brevity is not one of my strong suits. My response to your comment, out of respect for word count- Heard the expression “Man of his word”? or maybe “His word is his bond”? You know grandpa instilled this….. Ever hear anything similar for women?
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/23 02:26 AM
11

Well, the logic is the child support is the child’s and not the ex’s. So supposedly you are paying your fair share based on custody and your earnings. Lawyers can argue whatever they want. Your position should be “I make what I make. That increases, she can file a modification”.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/23 02:21 AM
5

She may or may not have BPD. She may or may not have seen a therapist. Either way, her behaviors are different, but not necessary bizarre, in my opinion. My money is her behavior is simply self-centered. If I had to guess, living with her parents isn’t a very good situation.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/23 12:58 AM
3

This is so typical. All the very important aspects of family and marriage that was simply shoved to the side for the affair is now missed. Things are feeling “not right” with your ex. It does not matter whether you are there or not. You won’t even be noticed. Why? Because there’s the equivalent of a Orangutan sitting with you family. AP. The kids feel it, your ex feels it, AP feels it. My advice is to occasionally do things with ex and kids without AP. Never with AP. That’s what’s soul crushing …
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/23 07:07 PM
3

Here’s one trick if you can swing it. Lets say you’re on the hook for 5 years alimony. You can offer the NPV of those payments as a lump sum. In many states, that lump sum is not alimony, it’s part of the division of assets. Here’s the benefits and risks of that strategy: Benefit- A year after he divorce you may get a big bonus or you hit the lottery. She cannot ask for a modification to alimony because there is no alimony to modify. Risk- She could do the same- ie get that higher paying job or …
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/23 01:12 AM
1

I would ask the following of her- Do you want to have sex with me but there’s something blocking or preventing you from feeling comfortable? or Do you have absolutely no desire to have sex whatsoever. You are content without sex. Now, if its 1., you staying needs to be contingent on her getting individual counseling. She needs to own this, you need to support. She needs to want it for her, not to please you. The counselor needs clear direction “I love my husband, I want to be intimate with him, …
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/23 09:48 PM
3

The only thing you can do, once you verbally agree is simply type an email. “Ex, Appreciate the conversation today on Jr’s. little league. I want to be sure we are both aligned. The the registration and uniform costs are $200. We will split this cost 50/50. You will be responsible for taking him to practice or games on the days you have custody. I will be responsible for taking him to practice or games when I have custody. If your or I are unable to bring him during our time, each will responsib…
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/23 09:33 PM
1

I used the the wrong word “submit”. I don’t believe any state requires you attach proof to the petition. However, when the plaintiff files the petition they submit, under oath, that they have been separated for one year. There’s a lot of risk in doing this- The defendant must respond once being served and can claim you were not separated for one full year. The burden of proof will then fall on the plaintiff. At that point the plaintiff runs the risk of perjury, delays, costs, etc. Questions can …
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/23 02:07 PM
23

That’s just it. The modern “mindset” is nothing more than an ideology. It’s not reality. You hate it because it’s not natural. It’s intellectuals telling society how they should feel. We, like idiots, believe if we don’t feel that way it’s wrong. She slept with 100 guys, that shouldn’t matter. Well, it feels nasty. You are wrong. She can be a mom, a wife and have a successful career. Hmmm, seems like someone will suffer. Likely me. You disagree, are a misogynist. I hate women? Women don’t need m…
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/23 05:14 AM
1

First and foremost, in order to change the court order, there has to be a change in circumstances. So unless something changed with her employment, she likely won’t even get a hearing. Now, she can always file contempt charges if there is language in the decree that all childcare costs are split equally, regardless of who has custody. If there’s no change in circumstances, and there’s no language in the decree, I do not think she has any “leg to stand on”.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/23 04:04 PM
1

I do not know what cold means. Dead? Bad? Not passionate? She could have been crushing on someone or having and emotional,or even physical affair. Her friend may have laid into her. Maybe she came to her senses. She may have vented to her friend and her friend called her on this. Basically that she’s the problem. Above is all predicated on this friend being a high quality friend. Conversely, the intent of going out may have been to chase guys. Maybe even hook-up. Well, if no guys were interested…
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/23 03:56 PM
10

I’ll just offer what I learned from personal experience: If you are getting advice on reddit regarding assets, need to make sure advice is in context. In the US, there’s community property states and equitable distribution states. Makes a very big difference. Need to understand the objective of a mediator. They are considered successful if they get a settlement. It doesn’t mean fair or equal. They also do not project or communicate how a judge will likely rule. In fairness, neither will an attor…
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/23 03:38 PM
2

Usually you are required to submit documents as proof of separation when filing for divorce- bills, leases, drivers license- anything dated that shows each name on a separate address.
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/23 02:09 PM
2

Shark attorneys are a joke. It’s posturing to make clients feel good. They don’t do shit to prepare or build a case. Bark vs. bite.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/23 08:29 PM
4

Regarding #8, If your STBXW files and you get served, bring the paperwork and ask the prospective attorney their thoughts on her lawyer. If they are experienced they know the opposing counsel and their tactics. I filed, but when my attorney learned who my ex’s counsel was, he basically said she was good and easy to work with. He said he’s never had to go to court and is exceptional at dealing with her clients.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/23 08:04 PM
5

It all boils down to the role of government in society. We need government and laws to protect people from the willful and harmful acts of others. It was never the intent of government and laws to manage people and society. These were not meant to protect people their from stupid decisions and the consequences of their stupid decisions.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/23 06:23 PM
2

You do not need to think about her being happy or not. It’s a wasteful pursuit. I stick by the following- Deep down inside, you know if you had a good relationship with ex. You either did or didn’t. If you didn’t, accept that maybe this new relationship is better for her and you. Sucks she had an affair, but in the end it may be better. If you really do believe you had a good relationship with ex, know these two very important facts: Their relationship will mature beyond limerence. Your relation…
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/23 04:41 PM
1

That’s a good catch and I see the confusion. Different wall. “The Wall” (my reference) is a point women reach, through aging, where they are no longer attractive to men- their looks, figures, fertility etc. begins a sharp decline. In essence their “sexual power” wanes. Doors aren’t held open, they are not approached by men, developing relationships becomes difficult. They are no longer “seen” by men. If ops ex has hit this “wall” then all, of the sudden he and the prior life they shared now does…
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/23 01:15 PM
8

Stop thinking like you have a choice to make. Unless she approaches you and wants to stop the divorce, you have no decision. What would need to happen for you to take her back? Gramps nailed it. You mentioned in other posts she had a drug history. She’s acting crazy. Maybe the two are tied together. My advice is let the divorce progress and do your best to get along with her. If she does want to get back together, create terms- minimal counseling and drug testing. You may not want the divorce, b…
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/23 02:50 AM
2

Understand grey rock. You are taking what you provided in the relationship away from her. It’s less about what she now doesn’t have and more about you not providing. Realize, as men, we are providers. We receive emotional fulfillment through providing. It’s hard as hell not to be a provider. When I say provided, there’s a whole lot more than just money and a home. So I would ask what are other outlets where you can contribute and give of yourself. I can tell you about a day I will never forget. …
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/23 12:51 PM
2

I don’t know about this. Seems odd to me. You know you, so not challenging that you were finally able to move on. Just wondering what her motives are. If you believe in the “7 Year Ache” and “The wall” you may want to be a little guarded.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/23 12:32 PM
6

Hell yeah. I can tell you this though, man to man. Of my whole mess, her cheating, me trying, all the divorce BS, my only real regrets where some of the ways I treated people. It was all along the lines of not giving a shit. Yeah it I didn’t care, but in hindsight, it wasn’t who I am. Vent, go nuts, just don’t be a total dick…..well with one exception- you can be a dick to your ex. LOL.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/23 02:20 AM
1

Sorry, should wrote it’s uniques to men and women. The difference is what drives the feeling of safety.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/23 12:42 AM
3

Are you referring to like a poly relationship? If so, answer is no. Pair bonding, by definition is with one pair. Now, can a person pair bond, break up and pair bond with someone else? Certainly. It’s a learned behavior. At the same time, just because a person is in a long term relationship does not mean they actually pair bonded.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/23 12:39 AM
5

Yes and no….. Yes in that there’s a process that needs to occur for both sex’s to pair bond. The partner needs to be “safe”. That facilitates a connection, which transcends to intimacy, which ultimately culminates to sex, which in turn establishes the pair bond. No in that there’s a difference in what each partner constitutes as safe. Understanding this means understanding instinct. Woman’s instinct is to protect her children. In order to do this, a woman needs a male to protect and provide for …
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/23 09:10 PM
57

Here’s the challenge. When women go through the hoe phase, they learn to decouple sex from intimacy and connection. It’s very much so a forced programing. This allows them to feel comfortable with meaningless sex. This inhibits their ability to pair bond. Even though they desire to be in a long term relationship, and even though they may have addressed the issues that cause the promiscuous behavior, they still face an inability to pair bond. This is important because we benefit from sex in one o…
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/23 07:16 PM
2

You can absolutely ask for a modification based on the change in circumstances. I would absolutely get with an attorney and ask him what else you need to do to make this happen. This is so important. Judges are biased. There’s a good reason. There’s a large percentage of dad’s that go after modifications, without lawyers, and it becomes apparent the only motive is to reduce child support. Need to quash that upfront. If you go after your ex for being an unfit parent, that needs to be very well do…
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/23 01:52 PM
10

It’s ill advised to move out of the marital home without a separation agreement.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/23 01:28 PM
8

I would be willing to bet she has spent a lot of time trying to figure out finances, looking online and likely has already spoke with lawyers. What she’s figuring and reading and hearing ain’t good news. You’re a man. As an example, you can get emotional and upset at me over something and all I need to do is throw some logic and facts at you and you calm down and process. That’s how we are programmed. Women are not like that. You throw facts and logic as you did, they become more emotional, espe…
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/23 02:46 AM
13

I am a firm believer in that the ONLY way you keep a woman is if they need you. In fact, Kevin Costner, Tom Brady, etc may even have it more challenging. You are basically asking, “Why would anyone leave Kevin Costner when he has all that money, fame, looks, etc?”. What these women ask is “Why would I stay with Kevin Costner if I can take his money, leverage his fame and buy all the “D” I want”? So ask the more pertinent question. What if alimony was capped at $12k per month as an example? Large…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/23 05:10 PM
8

Let’s start with the biggest trap. The biggest trap is when you respond to that question by stating, “Because you……..” You basically spell out all the things she does and doesn’t do that you are just done with. All she’ll do then is just counter and twist and then you argue. You take shots, she takes shots. So don’t do that. You can always just refuse to discuss. Things get ugly, and to your point, she’ll bad mouth you to kids, friends, relatives, etc. Two tricks that may help if you feel compel…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/23 03:10 PM
5

I just have a two comments for you….. First, everything you are doing is spot on right. When gives you that line, you call it. You also set the terms of the relationship going forward. Now to go NC and grey rock for any necessary interactions. What’s interesting, is if there is any shot at her reconsidering, you set that up. Things just became real. Second, when you get that line, almost always someone is interloping. Does not need to be an affair or cheating. It can be this “friend” or relative…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/23 06:48 PM
2

Everybody is different. In my case, I purchased the house prior to marriage so the mortgage was in my name. I never refinanced. I chose to take a hit on my 401k.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/23 01:31 PM
7

It’s all about the mortgage. If both your names are on the mortgage, then whoever keeps the house has the risk of having to refinance and incur higher interest rates. Either way, you still end up paying half the equity gained throughout the marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/23 01:13 PM
4

Most good judges are going to look for a compelling reason not to grant 50/50 custody. Just because she (and maybe even you) chose for her to take on different tasks and responsibilities within the marriage does not mean she is entitled to those responsibilities when divorced. Add to that, even though you may have done less, does not imply you are incapable or unwilling to do more when divorced. The three major checklist items to bolster your position are housing, location and feasibility. Demon…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/23 01:07 PM
3

The question you need to answer is what is her basis for thinking that every other weekend is in the best interest of your children?
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/23 05:03 AM
3

Just always remember, when the chase is over, the exit plan begins………
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/23 03:46 AM
23

She’ll say exactly what you want to hear “I made a terrible mistake, I miss our family, I miss us………” Reality you can’t trust her. More than enough evidence there. So what she says is a lie. Truth is, whatever she was pursuing didn’t work out. That’s why they come back.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/23 09:25 PM
1

I think Florida is heading in the right direction. https://www.matthewlaneandassociates.com/blog/governor-ron-desantis-vetoes-florida-alimony-reform-bill-2022/#:~:text=Under%20the%20new%20alimony%20reform,of%20a%20long%2Dterm%20marriage. The Fun Stuff: Alimony must meet the payee’s “reasonable needs”, as compared to maintaining a standard of living. That language is gold. Kiss the perks goodbye. If ex enters into a “supportive relationship” it’s grounds for modifying alimony. The game played whe…
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/23 07:09 PM
1

I think they are two separate issues. Your ex can always spin this to say that at the time of the hearing, her intention was to send them to Waldorf and she is now considering them attending Spanish Immersion. The judge will attempt to understand her desire and determine if this is in the best interest if the children. This determination includes the impact to the parenting plan, costs, etc. The judge typically cannot make the kids go to one school or the other. This does open the door to recons…
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/23 12:48 PM
3

There’s like books and books on this stuff. Have you started with the easy stuff? Did she get her hormones checked?
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/23 01:17 AM
17

“do I really love bob more than a million bucks and all the dick I could ask for?”……….LMAO priceless.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/23 12:46 AM
1

Yes, I would also submit another way to look at your situation. Our feelings are very much like traffic lights. Red, green and yellow. Life becomes extremely frustrating when its full of these traffic lights. Sometimes red light after red light. A few greens make us feel better. The fact that there are so many lights to begin with, cause anxiety and bitterness. Sometimes its better just to find a new route with no lights. Maybe longer, but a nicer drive. While trying to fix yourself is great- me…
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/23 01:49 PM
2

Need to understand that when she stepped out, you became a back-up plan. Just my opinion. Doesn’t mean she can’t be committed. Just means she is committed to settling. While your affair and other escapades were not justified or acceptable, I think they were different. I think you were just trying to heal. While these flings did nothing for your marriage, they did give you the confidence to move on.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/23 05:09 PM
11

“Walk Away Wife” syndrome is a pretty common term therapists use. You can google it. Point of my post is it’s most often portrayed as the wife being a victim. They feel neglected, ignored……whatever. I am challenging that because I am fed up with this mentality. In essence, if they make there concerns known, they are not a “Walk Away Wife”. It’s on them to communicate if they are unhappy. I also wanted to point out there’s a big difference between being unhappy and bored.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/23 04:16 AM
2

What’s amazing is they are just beginning to do studies on the impact of BC on women beyond simply physical health. The two most pertinent findings- Changes in testosterone and estrogen alters a woman’s preference in men. Significant amount of women on birth control will favor less masculine men then they otherwise would. Simply put, they go off the pill and realize they married a pussy. Women no longer have a risk of premarital pregnancy. This causes two issues. First, women no longer learn how…
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/23 05:30 AM
3

In my state (FL) if you do not pay alimony, then you cannot modify. I knew I was on the hook for alimony, so instead I offered her the NPV of alimony payments, through the division of assets. Regarding child support she would need to petition for a modification. As a result, I am very guarded with what I purchase and what I communicate to her. I don’t want to give her any indication my income has increased.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/23 02:40 AM
3

My take is she spent the last two months solidifying her relationship with AP before the kids introduce reality. Kids will end this thing before you know it. Over time, she will resent AP because of the time she is away from kids. It’s a little retreat now, but those times without kids get awful lonely. Like all of her “kind”, she won’t take accountability and blame AP for this mess. That’s the resent. Add to this AP won’t care. He’ll be jealous of kids when they take away his time and get tired…
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/23 01:11 AM
3

Eh…..I’d bang her a few more times before shit gets really crazy. Just wear about three rubbers & pull out just to be safe.
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/23 03:34 AM
12

Her misery is just beginning. Hang in there. Seen this a million times. She is building resentment big time with AP. Won’t last. Here’s what’s brewing: She feels an obligation to be with AP at farewell. She put’s his loser ass ahead of her kids. Last minute. May not seem like it but she’ll begin to resent that. Kids sick and she misses that. Again, another small doses of resent. Can’t carry on a conversation about her kid with you in front of AP. Why? Because AP knows she’s a cheater. He doesn’t…
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/23 03:30 AM
5

No need to destroy……just no longer stand in the way of her inevitable self-destruction.
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/23 06:13 PM
2

This is driven by overburdened court system. Theory is by having a calculator more divorces with be settled out of court. Most states have these. In a way it’s also good because it avoids having some biased judge put the screws to you. Same with “only for a period needed to achieve self-sufficiency.” This will help men paying alimony. Alimony is another burden on the system. People just naturally make more money year over year. Avoids endless motions to increase which is often the case with long…
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/23 12:41 PM
12

Being friends is yet another female fantasy. The seething hatred turns to apathy for guys. That’s it. Now, the issue to navigate is kids. This means that you need to be cordial and amicable in co-parenting. Divorce relieves you of any husband obligations. Period.
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/23 02:22 AM
3

Need to talk to your lawyer. You (he) needs to request sanctions - ie restitution. I do not know CA law but first you need to get a favorable ruling. When you request sanctions, the judge then needs to find some reasonable cause for reporting go CPS to deny the sanctions.
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/23 01:12 AM
2

What is sthm?
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/23 05:09 PM
8

One comment you made that resonated me is her desire to be friends. Honestly, I have never met nor read of any guys on these subs that had any interest whatsoever in being friends with an ex. My perception is this is a female thing. Personally, my ex tries to be chummy with me and it’s repulsive. I never have nor ever will put on acts. All I am suggesting is don’t feel obligated. If you were fired from job and your boss called a few days later asking how to do something, you’d tell him to f-off.…
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/23 12:23 AM
34

Oh yeah. Rather than paying alimony she agreed to a lump sum. I felt it mentally wise to write one check rather than throw up every month. So she got the big check and was just so happy. Bought a new BMW and lord knows what else. She’s a ding-bat. Her need was to establish herself- ie finish her degree and get a home for her and our kids. You know, get her on her feet. Never got a degree, never bought a house and is struggling financially. Found out true story. She “invested” in AP/BFs business.…
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/23 01:32 AM
1

There’s no law in Florida. This means if you leave a child alone it is legal. However, there are very strict neglect laws, where leaving a child unsupervised, especially if they are harmed, can result in very severe punishments. “Child neglect is a form of abuse that consists of omitting or failing to provide a child with supervision, care, or services necessary to the minor's physical or mental welfare.”
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/23 06:09 PM
7

Hate to be callous, but you need to think about every interaction from a selfish perspective. Need to weigh her reaction if you send or don’t send. How will that reaction impact you?
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/23 01:20 AM
4

I would send her a note just acknowledging that none of this is her fault and that you understand that she needs to be with her mom. You also need to tell her that having her in your life is one of the greatest gifts and that she can call you anytime for anything. She’s feeling like she needs to choose between her mom and you. As such, she feels like a traitor for lack of better terms.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/23 09:24 PM
3

Please do not hold any animosity towards your step daughter. She’s maintaining this allegiance with her mother. I will bet her mom bad mouthed you (not that your stepdaughter believes this). Your step daughter is just keeping the peace.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/23 09:10 PM
2

As usual, the bigger and most interesting statistic is not being discussed in much detail. This is marriage rates. According to the National Center for Family and Marriage Research, marriage rates dropped from 76.5% in 1970 to 31% in 2020.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/23 06:21 PM
3

Reference PEW Research. Gray divorce increased from 5/1000 1990 to 10/1000 2015. Since stayed flat.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/23 04:43 PM
20

Life’s just choices and trade-offs. The hard part is if you choose to pursue another relationship. Dating pool is full of societally damaged women with exes and f’d up kids in tow.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/23 11:21 PM
7

Typical CNN bullshit article. The woman they interview sounds like a nut job. This is not some woman who was married 35 years and suddenly divorces. She’s had “several” divorces. Yes, there is an increase in grey divorce numbers. That’s the slug of baby boomers. I think the real reason is that baby boomers waited to divorce. They waited until kids were grown, etc. I think younger generations are less patient.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/23 06:44 PM
7

My grandfather, like so many men, served in WWII. The only gift out of that mess was learning and needing to create bonds with friends that you I can’t imagine. These guys never had therapists, but they had each other. Everybody. I remember my grandfather sitting on the front porch with friends for hours just talking. Whenever I would approach, the conversation would halt. Men are completely isolated today. Very few men have true friends they can completely open up to. Think about it. back then …
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/23 01:51 PM
2

You have a much bigger and deeper problem. Ask your self why people end up in these type of churches? What market are they serving? The answer is simple. They serve people who are so lost that they surrender their thinking to these strict doctrines. They want to be directed on how to live their lives. More contemporary churches guide people towards fulfillment. Huge difference. There’s also an element of self-esteem at play. Her putting other’s down gives her the feeling of being better. Twisted…
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/23 01:37 PM
1

Need to get you head on straight. This is divorce and everything- cars, dog, credit card debt are all assets and liabilities with $. That’s it. Need to understand what is community property and community debt.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/23 01:15 PM
9

Date. Sure. I would not care. Now, for the relationship to progress to getting serious, would need to know a lot more. The three A’s are understandable- Adultery, Abuse, Addiction. By abuse I mean physical. My three yellow flags: Verbally abusive / he’s a narcissist. “We grew apart”. Dating before divorce finalized. I am not saying these disqualify. Just need to probe very deeply.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/23 01:06 PM
5

Read the language……she can claim that she did not know she needed an attorney, she was pressured under duress or otherwise coerced. Do you really want to be three years down the road an have the decree appealed?
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/23 09:23 PM
3

Standard language. Here’s what you need to understand. By you going to an attorney, that attorney is now representing you. In other words, this is your settlement agreement, where you are asking her to sign- that’s why the language is directed at her. I would see if you can find a mediator you can work with, without attorneys. A mediator, does not represent either of you. If you are really in agreement, the whole thing will last an hour and the mediator will write up the settlement.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/23 08:20 PM
2

Mediation is simply a process where both of you can work out the terms of the divorce. A mediator can also draft the divorce agreement. They are usually retired judges, lawyers (although they do not have to be). Mediation is simply a negotiation facilitated by third party- ie mediator. Now, you can choose to mediate with or without attorneys. If you are very close or in agreement with how to settle, than attorneys are not necessary. This is especially not necessary if the marriage was short term…
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/23 08:12 PM
8

I think she realized that for the rest of his life, he will be in the spotlight. He’s not the type to retire and spend all his time with her. Add to all of this, she’s got more money than she knows what to do with.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/23 08:02 PM
9

It takes a lot of discussion with your partner. There’s really four key components (questions) to determine if you can be in a long term relationship with someone. “Have I effectively communicated my needs and wants from this partner? “Is this partner willing and capable of providing those needs?” “Do I really understand what this partner needs and wants me to provide?” “Am I willing and capable of providing those needs?”
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/23 07:54 PM
3

You can get over her but it requires you to sit down and detangle everything. You have all of these thing’s tangled and you need to sort this out. Her. She’s not the one. Obviously, she made her bed. She is clearly not wife material. Distance and gray rock combined with how she treated you will allow you to get over her. The marriage. You never imagined this. Grieve the death of the marriage. Need to accept it’s over and life as you imagined is no longer a reality. Need to look forward and start…
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/23 12:44 PM
13

She wants a divorce then she can leave. You do what you want and not what she wants. She will spin everything you do in a way that makes her he victim. Read “No more Mr. Nice Guy”.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/23 02:07 AM
21

Once a cheater, always a cheater. Why? These people never truly understand why. Lot’s of stuff she needs to unpack to understand. All the reasons she would give you, will be the same reasons she gives the next guy. You’ll get answers to why she believes she cheated. They just won’t be accurate.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/23 01:59 AM
2

You have to own this divorce. It’s the only way. What I mean is you need to look in the mirror and say there was no way on earth you could be the man she needs and still be you. You do not need to figure out what she needs. She may not even know. All you need to know is “it ain’t me”.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/23 04:59 PM
9

Ok so I am prefacing what follows with “not all guys”……but most…. If this dude HAS NO KIDS there’s something wrong with him. Most single guys want nothing to do with women with kids. That’s a flag. He’s desperate or worst case pedophile. If this guy HAS KIDS (and is moving FAST into a relationship), know this: He’s looking for someone to take care of his kids. He’s playing a game with the romance, but is looking for a maid and nanny. He just wants laid. Again, playing a game. Most sane guys with…
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/23 02:29 AM
2

Oh heck yea. Let me tell you my story. Like you, we bought a house that was older and little rough on prime real-estate (water). Got it well under market. We always had plans on fixing it up. My problem was, I like to do that stuff, but never had time. My ex had this idea to open up the floor plan, expand the kitchen, master & master bath. Everything needed updated. The most therapeutic part of my recovery after affair and divorce was going all in on this remodel. I put about $100k in materials …
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/23 10:38 PM
10

Modern humans have been on this planet 300,000 years or so. For 299,950 of those years, women have reared and nurtured children, men have been protectors and providers. This is instinctual. 50 years of birth control and divorce laws cannot change that.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/23 09:56 PM
2

Totally get it. Agree with everything you wrote. Thing is, Dad’s are fighting back with more than legit arguments. Women claim unsubstantiated abuse or “poverty” because they can’t afford manicures and other horseshit like some Lifetime movie and all it does is cause a big mess in the court system. It’s ridiculous. I mean a guy pounds his fist on the counter or raises his voice and all the sudden he’s an abusive narcissists. I agree with 50/50 custody. The real equalizer will be elimination of a…
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/23 10:13 PM
4

Wouldn’t get to excited that someone is standing up for men. Bottom line here is politicians and government bureaucrats don’t want to spend money refereeing divorce cases. That’s why most states mandate mediation. Vast majority of wasted dollars are are court cases involving custody. The question is not “How do we make divorce more fair for fathers?”. The question is, “how do we prevent divorce cases from actually going to trial?”
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/23 08:37 PM
23

Biggest mistake many men make is that they can “play house” and the kids will skip along with the charade. You can be a more present and engaged dad being divorced than you can being married. Just need to make the most out of the time with them. Also, nothing that come out of her vile mouth is credible. Tomorrow you could get love bombed. Next day she hates your guts. Read up on grey rock and put it to use. Honestly the only thing that will keep you sane.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/23 10:06 PM
7

Think of it this way. Suppose she came running back to you. You’d try and forgive for the kids, maybe go to counseling. Won’t trust her. She starts going back to old habits. Back and forth. Finally at your limits, you divorce after 2 more years. That’s more of your life lost. You’ll be in the same boat, just wishing you would have cut it off to begin with. Back to reality. Her leaving will prevent years of consternation. Consider it a gift.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/23 06:56 AM
2

Have either of you filed? That’s the first step.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/23 04:50 AM
3

Yea the odds are terrible but it’s less about just statistics and more about the pool of people. In other words, there’s less marriage capable women. So if you desire to get married and have a family, you need to do a lot more due diligence than just find someone who appears to want the same. Wanting and being capable are two different things. Here’s my advice. Need to date a couple years before getting married. All the sparks need to die and then see what you have. Do you have a high level of t…
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/23 02:20 PM
3

This is what happens when the affairs come out of the shadows and fantasy meets reality. Key Points from your post- “quality time with BF”- Where is AP accommodating in all of this? They aren’t. They could care less about you or your kids as evidenced by their behavior. Your STBX knows this but is clinging to the fantasy that AP is “the one”. “other people to think she’s a bad mom”- She is a bad mom. She had an affair and all of this is on her. People know. She’s delusional and cares more about …
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/23 02:05 PM
2

Don’t sell yourself short. Sounds to me like you are self-assessing based on a 20 year old measure of who you are. Here’s what you need to think about in terms of your 41 year old market value- Do you have a good job? Are you financially secure? Wasn’t mentioned as a factor, so assuming you could afford a divorce. If so, that’s a box to check? Are you in decent shape? That’s controllable. If not get there. Your choice. If so that’s a big deal at 41. Just saying at 41 the playing field has change…
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/23 03:11 AM
3

Your attorney should prep you. Need to answer questions directly. Meaning, if you’re asked if you know what time it is, the response is “yes” or “no”. Not “3:00.”. Don’t story tell, elaborate, etc. Also, perfectly fine to answer “I don’t know” or “I do not recall”. Other big, big, part of this is her attorney seeing how credible you will come across in the court room to a judge. So be stoic, truthful and succinct. Be serious and show zero emotion. You shit all over her case by being credible. Th…
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/23 05:14 AM
4

Disconnect the two. Grey rock is uncomfortable because of the emotions. Yes it’s a forced and disciplined approach now. Once you heal it just becomes the norm. I am 3 years out and still am short and to the point and keep any discussions limited to the kids. Difference is I no longer feel anything from it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 09:12 PM
1

She does not want to save the marriage. Think about it. You are on the precipice of divorce. If she wanted to save the marriage, she would not hesitate to cut all contact with this guy. Unfortunately, she is playing a game. She’s navigating a scenario where she’s the victim. She wants to say she tried counseling and it did not work. She never wanted it to work. She could care less about her kids. She just wants to say to them and everyone else it wasn’t her fault.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 07:57 PM
10

I read your other post. Getting the lawyer was smart and effective. Two things you need to really, really focus on is leverage and gray rock. Getting the lawyer was leverage. Great example of leverage is telling her you are going after 70/30 custody. Reality you are ok with 50/50. Tell her you talked to your lawyer. She talks to hers and the lawyer will use lawyer language which never promises an outcome. Very unsettling. Regarding gray rock. You just stop being a husband. Stop caring. Stop enga…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 03:51 AM
9

I mean your still married. She can change the locks, you can cut down the 100 year old oak in the front yard. Once the filing takes place you need to be careful.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 03:01 AM
2

Hey, whatever floats your boat. Just don’t get sucked in. Short term marriage. You should get out without a whole lot of financial damage. Guess here is she’s back because she she’s the piggy bank rolling away.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 02:58 AM
3

It’s an age thing. She’s coming at you like a ballistic romance missile. We can take that shit in doses at 50, but not a nuclear version. I’m like you. Yea I can do a vacation, but then need to sit on the couch a few days, maybe golf and fish a bit. I need my space. Same with drama. No thanks. Met someone a while back- sane, attractive, easy to talk with. Then……Wait for it………..Financial disaster, problems with (ex 10 years out), f’d up kids……NFW.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/23 01:09 AM
15

You need to file if you can vs, waiting for her. Get a lawyer out of the gates. Here’s what you can expect: She will want to make this amicable and be friends and work this out together UNTIL she has to sacrifice something. Always happens. Trust me, no one wins in divorce. She will face into a reality financially and quality of life wise that will be unsettling. Don’t fall into a trap thinking you don’t need a lawyer. She will refer to her idiot pool for advice. Family, friends, etc. She will pa…
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/23 09:14 PM
1

How do you know she’s a narcissist? Kind of an overused term. If she really is, there’s no hope immediately and she would need a ton of psychiatric (not counseling or psychologic) help. Perhaps it’s more simple. Perhaps she just lacks maturity and accountability.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/23 02:52 AM
3

Thanks good advice. I also would learn to respond to calls with texts.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/23 12:12 AM
3

Won’t speak for everyone, but I get aggravated and a little crass when guys are being walked all over and they write these posts where they are still pining over their ex. It’s not like I am being unsympathetic. It’s more like “wake up”.
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/23 02:27 AM
11

You had to post this……don’t get me started. I do not mind paying CS. Is what it is. I wouldn’t even care about paying early every now and then if I actually could make sense of where it was going. I just want to know where in the F it goes. I’d probably shit myself if my kids came over wearing something she actually purchased outside of Xmas, BDs. Yea, I buy all of that. Not only am I paying child support, but end up paying for all activities (school, sports). I invest in their college 529 accou…
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/23 11:40 PM
11

Karma isn’t real. Agree with that. The cheating will hit her. May take a while. Maybe years, but it does. Will you ever know when? Probably not. Posted this a while back. Thought I’d share: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/le4bnz/eminent_train_wreck_the_affair_borne_marriage/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/23 04:38 PM
28

Summary of ex wife’s accomplishments During first 13 years of marriage: - Raised 2 wonderful kids - Pursuing college degree - Beautiful home - Fulfilling part-time job - Loving husband Last 3 Years: - Affair (Dumped by AP) - Blew entire DV settlement via AP - Small apartment - No longer pursuing degree - Laid off, now new FT job she hates - In therapy & on meds
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/23 04:29 PM
6

There’s science & psychology behinds this. She was in a state of arousal and released pheromones. You sense that, especially with a long term partner. You also sense behaviors (distance) which are inconsistent with what you’ve come to know. That’s what creates the uneasy feeling.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/23 01:33 AM
1

I would start with whoever manages the 401k. Call them and ask what the average annual rate of return was from the day you were married to now. They should be able to do this for you and send a statement to that effect. If you have the account value the day you were married and then applied the average annual rate of return, you could calculate the value of your protected portion. Simple PVFV formula. If you subtract your protected portion from the actual present account value, the result would …
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/23 02:07 AM
1

It won’t matter. No-fault. Don’t waste your time. If it where me in your shoes. I would put. a detailed sheet together (for optics) stating you worked on 5 rental flips an put 500 hrs into each…..line out the work you did…plumbing, drywall, carpentry, GC coordination. Estimate the cost to do the work at $50/ hr or whatever……..Make it a lot of detail….just sit down and put it together. So 500 hrs x 5 houses x $50/hr = she owes you $625,000 LOL. Then you tell her you are a nice guy (even though sh…
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/23 01:52 AM
2

All of this depends on your jurisdiction and how you filed. If you filed no-fault or similar, none of her affair is relevant.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/23 01:26 AM
0

I get it. I mean if you could care less if your STBXW started dolling herself up, going on dates, suddenly turned on her sex drive and started screwing other dudes, then I guess it’s fine. It wouldn’t impact everything else going on. I think in most peoples case it would. I did me.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/23 05:41 PM
2

I laugh at these. Well consider her stance as silliness. Your lawyer (or you) should come in wanting the moon and stars as well.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/23 04:43 PM
1

Do you have an attorney?
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/23 04:22 PM
2

Unless she kept that $60k completely separate, it’s marital property. She would had to put the money in an account in her name, prior to marriage, and never touch it. The fact that she put that money into flips after you are married makes it a high probability it’s marital property. Since you worked on them, makes it a way higher likely hood it’s marital property. Add to this, if you were ever named on the deeds or mortgages ( on any of these flips). I would say it’s a certainty it’s marital pro…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/23 03:30 PM
4

This is ridiculous. Why on earth don’t both of you have the decency to wait until the divorce is finalized before you start dating. You’ve got kids, finances, legal stuff. On top of work and everything else. It’s making a shitty situation worse. I just can’t wrap my head around this.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/23 02:58 PM
1

Do you have a marital home now and was it purchased after you were married?
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/23 02:18 PM
4

“The home sold and she moved in with me in my rental and lived rent free until we got married and the purchased her new home” In most states, if the new home was purchased AFTER you were married, then it’s considered a marital asset and you would be entitled an equal share of the equity. Deed, mortgage, etc are all irrelevant.
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/23 01:11 PM
2

I think it’s absolutely an enormous pivot because it changes the whole perspective on alimony. What the breadwinner earns and what was provided for in the marriage is no longer a factor. That is huge to me.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/23 07:10 PM
2

I think the most significant change is removing the requirement to “maintain the quality of life established through the marriage”. I believe the new language is “reasonable needs”. I think this is bigger than the whole discussion on lifetime alimony / duration. Think about maintaining quality of life- vacations, club & gym memberships, luxury cars, boats, expensive restaurants, etc. Those are all “in play” when considering quality of life. Absolutely none of those are reasonable needs.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/23 06:49 PM
1

Getting over a relationship requires multiple phases of processing. The first thing we need to do mentally is untangle the components. There’s the partner, there’s the relationship, there’s your stake in the relationship. These are three separate things and all need grieved before you truly move on. The partner is easy and people make he mistake thinking they are ready to enter a new relationship simply because they are over the person. While being over that person is a great step, it’s not the …
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/23 01:53 PM
1

At some point, somebody’s got to move out, right? I think a more streamlined approach is to talk to an attorney and you move out into an apartment. In the end your ex will pay half of that cost anyway, plus it may be a wash with additional legal fees. In the end you can still keep the house. That can be worked out in the division of assets.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/23 01:59 AM
6

As a person that divorced an unfaithful spouse, I can relate. I spent a lot of time trying to understand this mess. Did a lot of research. I can tell you this. This AP she had. It was all part of this fantasy life I wrote above. This fat schmuck was just a proxy for her affair fantasy. Here’s the real funny part. When that AP mess falls apart. It will. She’ll still cling to her fantasy and blame him for being the wrong guy.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/23 01:51 AM
8

If you have ever been to a therapist and they help you make a decision, they guide you through questioning to objectively evaluate. Weigh the pros and cons of the situation and truths. Allow information to guide the decision. The do not allow you to stray from reality. Now the antithesis to objective decision making is the walk away wife. I have seen time and time and time again where these idiots blow up there lives and the lives of others by fantasizing about post divorce life. It’s a complete…
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/23 01:14 AM
2

I do. If they have a high earning potential and they are not earning to that level, why? I also look at what I am providing? Am I substantially increasing her standard of living? On flip side. If she has a high earning potential and is making a lot of money, then I need to understand what else I am providing because it certainly isn’t money.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/23 04:46 PM
1

Need to be more explicit if you want help. Is the $2,200 a retainer? Is the $740 the filing, serving cost? When did you retain the attorney? What were the certified letters?
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/23 01:23 PM
4

I think you need to look at this objectively. How does blending impact you financially? Will it cost you more or less? Be practical. Need extra space, larger home. Need to factor in her contributions. Never works if this only benefits her financially. Next you need to really understand and discuss her parenting style. She parents her kids, you parent yours. Key is- are they aligned? This is ideal. Why? because in reality you are not parenting her kids. You are reinforcing how she parents. She is…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/23 01:07 PM
13

If I were your buddy drinking at a bar, I’d ask you “Why?” before even attempting to discuss “How?”
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/23 01:25 AM
2

Be a great dad. That’s all that counts. Kids only need one “rock” to cling to and that has to be you. It’s your ex’s choice to be an idiot. Kid’s will always love her. That’s guaranteed. Will they ever respect her? Likely not.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/23 01:05 PM
1

Yes and no. Don’t do it out of spite but rather a courtesy to the business owner. Every smart business owner knows they have the potential for liability in a sexual harassment case. The liability is way higher if there is a boss/subordinate relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/23 12:57 PM
1

Based on what you wrote, you want to stay married. Have you discussed seeing a marriage counselor with her?
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/23 10:00 PM
31

“…….they have been thinking about it for months if not years”. Add to this- the thinking is far less than objective. Starts with embracing a fantasy of what their life “should be”. Could be thinking of what they missed out on, could be a corrupt view of marriage- ie Hollywood. Then they start blaming you. Could be nit picking or small fights. Could be internalizing and inventorying all your deficiencies. In short, they continue to pine for the fantasy and disconnect from you. Then they start loo…
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/23 01:55 PM
21

A few weeks ago my ex called to ask me if I would pick up the kids and drop them off before work. I swung by and did it. Learned not to ask why. My son let me know her car tire was completely flat. Two immediate thoughts- She’s finally gets it. Didn’t even ask to put the donut on. Know’s the answer. If we were married, somehow the flat would have been my fault.
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/23 04:26 AM
17

I always give the same advice when a wife wants a divorce. It’s about the only thing that’s pretty much covers any situation - gray rock, cease husbandly duties, spend quality time out if the house with friends, pursue interests and clean up your wardrobe and get in shape…….and the most important- cease trading emotional currency. As you say apathetic. All this makes you feel better and allows you to move forward. Here’s what’s great. If you really do divorce, it gets you down that path. It also…
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/23 02:37 AM
1

No it’s not flawed. Its the laws that are flawed. If at-fault divorce had “teeth” there would be a significant shift in everything. “No fault” made sense at the time because people were emotional and bickered with little evidence to back anything. It just made the court systems a mess. In today’s world there’s evidence everywhere.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/23 07:04 PM
41

Of course. Everything is founded upon the two tenants of being a strong woman, as defined by modern feminism. First is she can never be wrong. Second is anything bad that happens is not her fault. Distance yourself and practice these words “Sorry, I can’t do anything about that”. Eventually you’ll be needing these. World out there is cruel.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/23 01:05 AM
8

LOL, now superimpose the percentage of women over 40 on anxiety and anti-depressant medicine.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/23 12:51 AM
6

Do not move out. Grey rock & cease all husband duties. Be a great dad. Go out and do your own things. Take care of yourself and develop new routines- dress, hygiene, exercise.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/23 05:49 PM
17

Deep conversations = she complains about you and your relationship, comes across as victim, he blindly empathizes. Nothing is real.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/23 02:28 PM
14

Either way, he’s immature. If he is a mature guy, he would not even entertain a relationship with your ex wife. Kids, co-worker, not even divorced yet, age difference…….not a good situation for a 23 year old. Thinking he could make this work as a relationship is naive. Being naive is a form of immaturity. Maybe well intended, but no idea what he’s getting into. Either way, I see zero chance of this ever lasting. He’s immature. Your ex is equally immature. She’s either consciously bringing a boy-…
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/23 01:54 PM
2

Yea- Funny though how that switch flips.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/23 03:11 AM
1

We put in our divorce decree that my ex would have responsibility for decision making for kids healthcare. Costs would be split equally. You ask why I would do this? First off, I trust her when it comes to the kids. Shitty wife does not equal shitty mother. Second, I know her very well. Any joint decision is an endless debate. She is a right fighter and no matter how stupid her decision is, she defends. She not only want to make the decision, she wants me to agree. You see how this is an endless…
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/23 01:18 PM
1

Yes. I learned quickly that judges and the court systems HATE dealing with these issues. It’s costly and largely childish. Reason why they funnel everything through mediation.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/23 01:01 PM
2

Oh hell no. If she (and you) wants the house and wants whats best for he kids then work on the marriage. I am not telling you to do that. Simply pointing out that’s the solution. Otherwise you liquidate and move on.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/23 12:55 PM
3

I think you should count your blessings that you never had kids with #1.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/23 12:44 PM
17

Here’s what you need to do…… First off, you need to document- email or text proving she is not giving you the kids is best. Otherwise, try and get a witness to come for pick-ups. Need to talk to a lawyer. Usually, they will send a letter advising your ex that she is in contempt and exposing herself to fines, reimbursement of your legal fees and potentially jail time. A letter like this costs a few hundred bucks. My buddy had to deal with this. There were three incidents, well documented, followe…
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/23 12:34 PM
3

Look dude, if you really are co-dependent then you basically surrendered your identity to the relationship. In short, you are the relationship. Using your analogy, you are the couch. There’s literally your wife and no one on the other end. This divorce could be the best thing in the world for you provided you spend downtime getting single and re-establishing yourself through a lot of counseling. If you are not co-dependent, then you are simply grieving. Sucks, but the only assurance is it’s natu…
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/23 02:32 AM
5

Personally, I do not like to over think things. Never one to sit in the woods in deep thoughts over meaning and purpose. It’s just mental masturbation. Add to this, no need to think we need these romanticized, grandiose accomplishments either. I think we just need to find a few things in life that we are good at, that we are passionate about and somehow other people benefit from that. That to me is fulfillment. It’s great if your job provides that. It’s not necessary. Your job can provide resour…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/23 01:06 AM
16

Ok here’s really simple advice- If you want any chance at anything, you do three things. Grey rock and limit any contact and communication to only about the kids. Don’t beg for her to come back. Text. Avoid talking. Be a great dad. Move forward. Be different. Work out, dress great, look like a guy women want. Here’s what’s great about these things. It’s your only shot at getting back together and it helps you move past her if you divorce. You do the opposite, you’ll be divorced for sure and stuc…
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/23 12:40 AM
9

Unless you have really compelling evidence that she is unfit, do not even attempt trying to get full custody at this point. It’ll cost you a ton of money. The best strategy is doing everything to allow your stbx and opportunity to be a co-parent. If she does ok, great. If she is neglectful, need to pounce. Just be patient. Need to slam the door shut on your marriage. Get divorced asap. She get’s papers, stbx will put a full court press on him finalizing. That’s when you get the popcorn out.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/23 04:46 PM
8

Walkaway wife is simply entitlement. They dream of what they believe should be handed to them. Fabio looking guy, who has a seven figure corporate job, yet is home everyday by 4:00pm, sits for hours talking, does all the household work and dotes upon them daily. All it takes is a solid year of thinking that way. Then they divorce. Get in shape. They get ran through for 3-4 years, are bitter and post TikTok’s wondering where all the good men are. Then more TikTok’s when ex husband finds a GF and …
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/23 04:48 AM
7

I’m lost. If you have a decree with 50/50 and remarried, why are there mediators involved? Her moving is considered a relocation which is only possible with your agreement or a court order. A court order is extremely difficult unless there is a compelling advantage for the child. Ex moving in with BF is not compelling reason for child. In fact, any sane judge would see moving a young child in with a BF as a red flag.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/23 09:14 PM
9

Friends? You are not having sex and you stated you have no common interests. “Friend” means you will be a shoulder to cry on when things don’t go her way and a handyman when things break.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/23 09:04 PM
6

Combination of lower body count and sexual experience through real relationships. Means they likely learned to satisfy a partner and mentally couple sex with intimacy. All a high body count means is you know how to get someone in bed. That’s it. You can sleep with 50 different people, be horrible in bed and “think” you know your way around. Of course, there are exceptions, but I think this is generally true.
/r/RedPillWomen05/06/22 07:41 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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