Being a step dad is a joke

machmusic76 · 2025-11-15T20:33:06+00:00

RepresentativeOk5968 · 2025-11-12T15:58:44+00:00

Very little upside to being a stepparent. Combine that with downsides of dealing with: baby daddy, not being accepted by the child, possible no control since it's not "your child", and also now you are coming in last place in the house behind mom and any kids. No thanks.

machmusic76 · 2025-11-12T14:14:11+00:00

Just when you think divorce couldn't be more painful you read a thread like this. Feel for you guys. Unsung heroes 💪

TheSmartLawGroup · 2025-11-11T13:01:59+00:00

You've done the right thing with them in the past. You need to continue to do the right thing with them in the future. They are still kids and they are your family. Unfortunately, legally you have no control, but you can still be a role model, you can still support them emotionally from afar. They need to know you are there if they need you. They know what is going on with their mother and even though they might not be able to have as much contact with you as they might want because of their mother's interference, they will respect you for your support.

It's almost impossible to see it now, but you will see it in the future, when they are adults, as long as you are able to maintain some contact with them. Be there on a regular basis, but also try to be there for them for their birthdays, graduations, proms, extracurricular events, any milestones or highlights in their lives. Again, the mother may interfere, but even if you cannot directly be a part of those milestone events, they will know you were there for them.

The bottom line is that you do exist for them and you always will if you nurture that relationship. It doesn't matter what their mother thinks, but hopefully she will learn to appreciate what you do for them... your daughters will.

FaithlessnessNo281 · 2025-11-11T02:10:03+00:00

Could never be me.

TripstoWin · 2025-11-10T22:25:54+00:00

They’re teens- you can maintain a relationship with them. Text them.

I don’t talk to my ex but I keep in touch with my step daughter directly and when necessary I make arrangements thru her dad

dpatron · 2025-11-10T10:04:53+00:00

I learned this lesson a few years back. All the overtime i worked, school field trips, all the fevers and coughs I cared for, rides to practice, meals cooked, vacations. 100% for a hot steamy pile of nothing.

Sun_God713 · 2025-11-10T04:57:32+00:00

Headline grabbed me but feeling something a little different here. Stepson w current gf won’t do his damn chores.. either ignores that they need to be done or when I press him on it, mopes around and then literally cries to his mom about. The fucking kid is 13.

Had another argument w her about it tonight. Gathering a serious resentment towards the whole situation.

Being a step dad totally sucks. Esp when your partner is easily manipulated by their kid.

MensDivorceCircle · 2025-11-09T16:36:04+00:00

Same thing happened to me, my STBX gave me crap if I didn't give everything into being a good step dad, I went to school activities, picked them up from school, bought things for them for holidays when their deadbeat dad wouldn't and was always at the sports functions when their own dad NEVER went, but now that we are on the verge of divorce, she said "They want nothing to do with me". However, she was the one to decide it was over. The only thing we can do is control what is within our control, and I will attend their high school graduations in a couple of years, even if I have to sit in the back quietly.

Far-Government3551 · 2025-11-09T15:42:49+00:00

My stbxw keeps me from my step daughter. I’ve been helping raise her since she was three months old, only dad she’s ever known and she’s 9 now. Her real dad doesn’t even know she was born. Now I don’t get to see her at all. It’s absolutely horrible parenting and being selfish. As long as you’re a good dad and not a danger, there is absolutely no excuse for it. To be honest it’s a form of child abuse.

Chunderwumba · 2025-11-09T13:36:12+00:00

I met my XW when she was a single mum with a 3yr old. We stayed together, had another child together, and eventually divorced when both kid were in their teens. I noticed the dynamic of my (step) child's relationship change leading up to the divorce as my XW knew that she was the main parent for the older child, and if I disciplined them, my XW would chastise me in front of the older child. This caused the older child to start talking to me like the XW did, even when I asked a task to be done, the reply would be "Mum said....I dont need to do that..." etc. Its taken several years and my eldest maturing to build those bridges after she realised her mum isn't a 'god', but is human and maybe didn't make the right choices everytime. The youngest child (bio child), my XW even now treats her differently as she knows it parallel parenting.

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2025-11-09T12:24:27+00:00

I think the real way forward is one, never marry a single Mom and two, never move in with a single Mom.

Sure, date or have a relationship but never marry or move in. That's how you keep your sanity.

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2025-11-09T11:14:36+00:00

As a “step-father”/LTR (not married), I spend more time managing my woman’s emotional arguments with her kids, than I do the actual subject that began the actual disagreement.

On top of that, on any whim, the mother can revoke any authority granted, which sometimes results in me having to drop the hammer and say, either they do what their told, or they are out of the house. Toxic.

Leverage is everything, but once married, a man loses all leverage.

team_starfox3 · 2025-11-09T08:58:14+00:00

Single mom's are poison. Some of the most selfish ppl around and they'll gladly think of themselves before their kids

upvotersfortruth · 2025-11-09T07:44:22+00:00

Just hurts everyone all around. So long as you were there and they have that time and those memories, you definitely were a net positive in their lives.

Mundane_Buddy3791 · 2025-11-09T06:26:29+00:00

Step parent attachment theory says you graduate to bio parent attachment if you are in their lives for at least half their current age or close

Is0prene · 2025-11-09T06:21:10+00:00

Only way I would ever be a step dad is if the woman I am marrying is also now becoming a step mom.

liquid-icee · 2025-11-09T05:40:57+00:00

Ex monkeybranched, made me out to be an abusive monster because I was struggling with alcohol. I love her kid, I spent everyday with him for years, took them both on vacations,hiking, cooking, really tried to raise him right, teach him manners and responsibility, etc. Always made an effort to play with him even when I was exhausted from work. Family is everything to me.

The few times I saw him after we separated he was so excited to see me, ran right into my arms screaming my name.

That was the worst loss of all. All thrown away because his mom is a serial cheater who takes zero accountability. I’m heartbroken thinking how messed up his teen years are gonna be. That poor kid deserves so much better.

The_Answer1313 · 2025-11-09T01:14:01+00:00

Similar boat. I practically raised two daughters when they were 3 and 6. I was there when their dad wasn’t. And now that the wife and I are heading for divorce although I made it known I wanted to continue relationship with them and the grandkids it’s beginning to feel that might not happen.

So wild to me. I get it. Their mom is their mom. But man.

life-is-short- · 2025-11-08T23:35:45+00:00

I was step father from 2 yo until 12 yo. So he names me as father. And ex is happy to let him go to me to have free time for her stuff.

Upstairs-Pizza-1843 · 2025-11-08T23:06:10+00:00

Never be a stepfather. Ever.

Nitrothacat · 2025-11-08T21:33:05+00:00

An old friend of mine recently got divorced from his cheating ex after trying to make it work for a few years. Now 3 or so months post divorce he’s engaged to a single mom.

Don’t ever be a step crash dummy.

Difficult_College336 · 2025-11-08T21:08:08+00:00

Congratulations you played yourself

NegotiationSouth6466 · 2025-11-08T20:55:13+00:00

Don’t feel too bad man. The same standards apply when u are the biological father. Your all will never be enough and the same result follows. There seems to be the destruction of the father and husband through unrealistic expectations that have been normalised. I made it my thing in life to be more hands on and emotionally available with my children than my father ever was for me. My dad is a good man just was a different time and social expectations, but it’s ok now for women to carry on about all these expectations they demand of a man but he can’t say a word or dare speak up and say hey the work load isn’t equal it’s flipped. We all know raising kids is hard and I don’t have the view point of acting like it isn’t. Credit where it’s due to moms but in a relationship they aren’t doing it all on their own anymore, until they decide you don’t do enough so they scream boss queen doing it tough but getting it done all over the socials. Then she finds another man and puts it all on them to be the husband and father their kids never had. I imagine at that point they have sharpened their tongue to enforce what they feel justified to do so. When the whole focus of a partnership these days is you must give me all this and I will offer you limited sympathy and care for your needs, you should always support your woman when she’s struggling and feeling the weight but don’t expect you will get the same in kind. Ladies need to shape up and be a good partner like they expect. I dunno hypocrisy and female culture now it’s about as bad as the promotion is of the lack of accountability they are encouraged to show their significant offer. No wonder more families are broken then ever before. Quite a quick downfall really considering the previous marriage model endured and stayed. The attitude of only men are toxic and abusers is bullshit. To totally disregard the notion that women can be toxic to just like men can. Go over to the feminist subs and have a read at the garbage they churn out. Can’t be proud to be a man anymore but them bras ladies. Rant over. Sorry bro you have had to suffer these feelings and the way the kids are now being weaponised against you. Sounds like repeating behaviours. Stay strong lawyer up.

Mysterious-Art8838 · 2025-11-08T20:32:29+00:00

I don’t want to give you false hope, but I do want to give you a LITTLE hope. When my mom divorced my dad we were 13,15. We quickly figured out what she was doing trying to alienate us from him. Five years later both of us were estranged from her. It’s been 30 years.

They will figure it out if they haven’t already, and they will resent the parent doing the alienation. I’ve seen this happen a bunch of times.

Acceptable_Piano4809 · 2025-11-08T20:05:03+00:00

Never ever ever be a step dad again. There’s nothing in it for you as a man. Unless the dad is dead, you’ll never replace anyone’s father. I wouldn’t even consider it.

I got pissed off at my wedding when someone called my mom’s husband my step dad.

houserj1589 · 2025-11-08T20:03:50+00:00

Please don't give up on having a relationship with them.Because I promise you they need you, too.

If they are in their late teens, then that means that there'll be eighteen.Soon enough, and you can absolutely still carry your relationship with them, if they want one.

I had parents who hated me, i was just an inconvenience so good on you for being one of the good ones.And please don't let your ex wife deter that

LTC-Mustard · 2025-11-08T19:56:09+00:00

So many cliches come to mind, all seem to have truth.

It’s just your turn. You’re a wallet.

I would never think that another man’s kids are anything other than just that. I’d hate to have the heartbreak you now endure.

HistoricalRich280 · 2025-11-08T19:49:52+00:00

Relationships do not all result in an output. They can be wonderful for what they are and were in the moment. And for the crucial childhood relationships, you may have made all the difference. They may choose a relationship as adults, they may not. That doesn’t take away from the relationship you had.

tyyyy110 · 2025-11-08T19:42:01+00:00

You are 100% right! Its a thankless job! I wouldn't do it. There's no reward for ALL your HARD work!

Flapique · 2025-11-08T19:25:32+00:00

If you want to have a relationship with them you still can you might not be able to right now but I wouldn't change how you treat them based on what their mom is doing. I'm sure they don't have anything to do with it and it sounds like you were a good stepfather. They might choose to keep their relationship with you even if their mom doesn't want it.

BornMaybe9902 · 2025-11-08T19:21:31+00:00

Late teens means 17-19 to me. Adults or close enough. They should be able to have whatever relationship with you that they want(or don’t) at that age.

FastEdge · 2025-11-08T19:21:24+00:00

"... but once it's done. It's like you never existed." Truer words have never been spoken. Sorry for your pain.

domo_roboto · 2025-11-08T19:17:15+00:00

brother, it's damned if you do and damned if you don't. My best friend gave it his all to treat the step children like they were his own. After the separation, my best friend got slapped with a restraining order... like wtf

Subtle-Catastrophe · 2025-11-08T19:08:22+00:00

Yep. It's all downside risk.

gratefulstudent76 · 2025-11-08T19:02:22+00:00

That sounds incredibly hard

JLPR760 · 2026-02-21T15:18:44+00:00

I’m 49, been married for 17 years with 3 step kids 28,27 and 18 now. 2 boys and a girl. I’ve raised them all since they were little, put them through college and have supported them through thick and thin and with all that being said, I’ve been treated like an outcast since day 1. It’s gotten worse over the years and now at this point I regret getting married and being a part of this family. I have no biological kids of my own and I love them all dearly but I just can’t do it anymore. I’m only allowed to be a parent when it’s convenient. I basically have no say in my home and it’s heart breaking. Just wanted to get that off my chest. I’m filing for divorce and selling the house. She doesn’t even care she just wants the home and has better options in her future as she’s said. I know through this experience I’ll never get married again let alone with someone who has kids, and I would never suggest it to anyone either based on my experience. I’ll probably get destroyed for saying all this but I needed a place to get this off my chest. Hope you guys have a great year and good luck with everything going forward.

cocky1313 · 2026-03-02T04:51:06+00:00

check this out right... i been with this woman for 9 going on 10 years when i got with her i was in my early 20s im in my early 30s now...recently we go into a lil argument you know what she said to me...no one told you to do that ..raise her son ....im like well who would have surely not you or your family point is being a step father is a THANKLESS JOB!!!

AproposWuin · 2025-11-08T19:02:18+00:00

Just be sure to keep showing them how a woman deserves to be treated, with how you treat them and their mom

Funny_Object_5538 · 2025-11-08T19:01:21+00:00

Doesn’t mean you didn’t make a difference in their lives, think of it for them, you were their source of fatherly comfort they needed

stent00 · 2025-11-08T18:59:01+00:00

Major drawback of volunteering to be with a single mom with kids... getting estranged from the step kids after a divorce. It's really not worth it.

Several-Eagle4141 · 2025-11-08T18:56:57+00:00

Where is their dad and what is that relationship like?

Title	Being a step dad is a joke
Author	Tazz-Mission
Upvotes	111
Comments	85
Date	November 8, 2025 6:55 PM UTC (9 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1orxcs9/being_a_step_dad_is_a_joke/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/being-a-step-dad-is-a-joke.1566080 https://theredarchive.com/post/1566080

Comments