It’s done

the_money_meatsack · 2026-01-06T19:31:48+00:00

I can remember the exact moment I told the kids that our marriage had ended. Similar ages to yours and it was soul destroying. The kids will come round to it and will settle jn to the new norm, but give it time. My oldest (15 now) is still very huggy and she needs that still to cope with what has happened.

Regardless of how you feel towards your stbxw, do not show it infrint of the children. Be civil, dont allow any squabbling or taking of sides. Take the high and long road, it is hard to be the bigger person at times but you need to show the children that you ate there for them.

Boglehead101 · 2026-01-06T11:37:18+00:00

It’s a tough time, they’ll get over it. Told mine during the summer I felt really bad for a long time, things settle down.

Confident-Insurance6 · 2026-01-06T02:22:22+00:00

How old are the kids, my teens so it coming and seem relieved when it happened

Then-Appointment9630 · 2026-01-05T23:16:47+00:00

If she put “perceived happiness” in front of your kids, then she’ll end up paying for it. Karma is one thing, but the kids will see it. Just be a good dad and give yourself time.

Rollercoaster72 · 2026-01-05T06:24:38+00:00

I also never forget that day and can still remember all the details, she didn’t. I had only one conversation with her after the divorce and it turned out she remembered things which were never said and things she said she couldn’t remember herself. At that point I noticed, I am talking to a wall. So I never spoke with her again. She did write me an email afterwards to confirm I was right, not that didn’t matter to me anymore.

6StringFiend · 2026-01-05T06:05:53+00:00

Some thing that should had been done as adults and talked about later. I’m sorry.

Outside-Jicama-8468 · 2026-01-05T03:31:14+00:00

Brother, that's just a new low. Never forgive that one.

Mine just up and moved 14 hours away and little over 3 months ago. Just found out shes already moved in with a guy down there. Fucking makes me sick with rage because my youngest daughter cries daily wishing mom would come home.

BathAutomatic6972 · 2026-01-04T19:12:58+00:00

Don’t forgive her. Try not to ruminate, but never forgive her.

ColdHandGee · 2026-01-04T13:37:59+00:00

Join the wife tells the children about the divorce club. Yeah, it sucks, but it will fade in due course.

Just be your loving dad self. Nothing else really matters.

Become_Pneuma · 2026-01-04T08:15:07+00:00

Was a rough day for my family as well. Little did we know things would get much worse after the divorce. Divorce should be illegal in cases where young children are involved (assuming no abuse).

Become_Pneuma · 2026-01-04T08:08:07+00:00

So sorry brother, even though the kids will be fine, it still sucks so much to see them suffering due to mom's decision GRRRRRR, I would almost want to tell them it was her decision and not your's. Why should she not take the blame????

Abbondad1967 · 2026-01-04T02:52:30+00:00

Yup. My “tell the kids” scene was over ten years ago. They were five and eight. I’d given my ex an ultimatum: stop her affair or divorce. She chose her affair over her family. Our kids were devastated and nightmarish “coparenting” followed for years.

I wish I could report along the lines of “But now my young adult children are doing great” and I am happy to read such reports. But the truth is, in my case, this ruined their wonderful safe, stable childhood and the trauma has done real damage to both of them. They are a mess.

Oh, and how did her love story turn out? They were together for ten years. A few years in she cheated on him. They limped along for more years dragging their corpse of a relationship, and then they broke up for good last year in an ugly finale.

Unsurprisingly my ex wife now wants me back, wants our family back. Predictably, she is miserable. She threw away an enviable happy life. Do I feel vindicated? For a moment, and then I am just sad.

Strength to all.

OctinoxateAndZinc · 2026-01-04T02:30:18+00:00

OP if you haven't done so already give your kids teachers/principal a heads up here (just that this is happening and kids were told) and if you school has a social worker, them as well.

Ask they keep an eye out for anything odd and it will also give the kids some extra grace at school if work suffers or things get problamitic.

tbear80 · 2026-01-03T23:47:21+00:00

My wife couldn't wait to tell our daughter. I asked for us to be able to do it together. She did it that weekend without me. I also found out she was cheating and had been cheating on me for most of our marriage. So her impulse control isn't the best.

GasPasser73 · 2026-01-03T23:30:30+00:00

I lived that horrible day almost 8 years ago. It felt awful how her attitude and demeanor just made my children so disposable. Mentally I can see now she was so checked out it was just ticking a box for real but I have thought of that pain many times.

This many years later I know it had a defining moment type event in my children’s lives but it’s been whitewashed to some extent. Just how kids process emotional events I guess.

Bumblebee56990 · 2026-01-03T22:48:45+00:00

😔

GC2099 · 2026-01-03T22:22:53+00:00

Your message brought it all back. My boy rolling on the floor crying after his friends mentioned it. Absolutely devastating 💔 Almost two years on and he and his brother are flying in life. Hold that thought. Love your kids, hug your kids n they will come through this!

Wish you all the best 🙏🏻

Fearless-Pea-3813 · 2026-01-03T21:16:49+00:00

Write each child an age appropriate card/letter and keep writing those cards/letter each week or month as appropriate. Writing a card/letter helps you and the child. You can write about anything or basically nothing day to day stuff. Just keep writing in addition pay close attention to any conversations it will lead to sharing. Sending {{Good Vibes}} keep the children in your attention forefront and you’ll all be good. Best Wishes

PS - put letters under their pillow or in a jacket pocket and don’t mention it (until they might acknowledge it) Effects are huge and will spark something eventually :)

Friendly-Platypus607 · 2026-01-03T21:15:20+00:00

What about your happiness?

Would you be happier staying married to a selfish person or no longer being married to a selfish person.

At the end of the day kids are going to have trauma either way. Either by living in a household where their parents hate one another or a divorced home.

So best for you to focus on what you can control which is being the best dad you can be to your kids to ensure at least one of their homes is happy.

Forget about the mother, you will just drive yourself crazy about crap you can't even control.

Paddle_Pedal_Puddle · 2026-01-03T21:03:08+00:00

This won’t be the last time you see how much her selfishness impacts the kids. It was much easier for me to forgive my ex’s cheating than how she hurt our kids. She won’t even see it, which makes it even harder.

Focus on being the best dad possible and protecting them without throwing your ex under the bus (which will be tempting and easy to do).

Early_Brick_1522 · 2026-01-03T20:35:18+00:00

How did you approach it with them? My ex and I sat down together with them. The opening was pretty much something like:

"You know we both love you more than anything right? But sometimes moms and dads just don't get along. So your mom and I are going to get a divorce. But that doesn't mean we love you when you less. We're both still going to be your parents and love you no matter what. And we're going to work together to get along better so that you guys have both your parents in your life always, just differently"

Then we gave them both the space to speak how they needed to tell him that they can say anything in any way they wanted no matter how mean or angry or sad or anything. This was their space to express themselves.

My youngest had a couple questions and then just shrugged. She's the type that just roll with it and she's perfectly fine now. My oldest cook it really hard and thought it was her fault and we definitely sat her down and explain that's definitely wasn't and gave her the child version of why mom and dad can't be together anymore. We also ensured that for counselor at school sat with her and checked in with her for a while.

Basically even though we couldn't be together we provided a united front when it comes to being the parents of our kids. Even though we're not husband and wife we're still mom and dad.

All I can say is be the best man you can. Be the best dad you can. No matter what you're going through you said it on a shelf when you have your kids. If you're feeling sad around then be open with your emotions. Let them know it's okay to feel upset or sad but do it in a constructive manner. When I was feeling sad, mostly for them I would tell them. I express the reason that felt sad for them and for the situation but say that it's okay and that we're going to keep moving forward and do our best and I'm still going to be their dad no matter what.

You'll get through this and so will that. Remember that family's exists and all kind of different ways.

interspeciesMama · 2026-01-03T20:12:07+00:00

May we know if this is an update of a previous post? Am dreadfully sorry you had to go through this, you, your children mostly, but also extended family. Am so sorry.

azza77 · 2026-01-03T19:56:35+00:00

It will be indeed a horribly hard day.

Take heart that you were there to deliver that hard news. My ex agreed we would do it together. But of course when chasing drama and selfishness, did it on her own before I came home from work.

Anything to drive a knife deeper into the heart. Somethings whilst awful are best done together for the sake of the kids.

Funny_Object_5538 · 2026-01-03T19:18:41+00:00

Yep. That convo with the kids is tough. And they have every right to hate it. Just be the source of comfort for them and dad they deserve. They will one day see what mom did and resent her for it

Candidate_Worldly · 2026-01-03T19:17:38+00:00

I’ll never forget this day and never forgive her for putting her perceived happiness in front of my kids happiness.

This.

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2026-01-03T19:14:14+00:00

And hopefully the kids won’t turn to illicit drugs and alcohol because of her selfishness.

NC_Geezus · 2026-01-03T18:58:56+00:00

Yeah, you made through one of the toughest parts. There will be many more, but that is one of the toughest. Hate you have to go through this.

Thebadmamajama · 2026-01-03T18:55:43+00:00

There's nothing easy about this. That's about the best initial response you can get. From here, if you are the steady one, they'll remember that for the rest of their lives.

Beginning-Town-7609 · 2026-01-03T18:40:47+00:00

Sounds like there are 4 people really in pain and hurting badly right now. Good luck to all of you. I’m sure there’s a lot to process and adjust to.

Delicious-Curious · 2026-01-03T18:39:25+00:00

I’m so sorry, man. My heart goes out to you and the kids. 💔💔

Title	It’s done
Author	TxAlive
Upvotes	107
Comments	60
Date	January 3, 2026 6:37 PM UTC (6 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1q32ag3/its_done/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/its-done.1570328 https://theredarchive.com/post/1570328

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