"Happier After Divorce"

falcon0221 · 2024-09-06T05:22:48+00:00

I don’t know if I’m happier or not. I lost my best friend. What used to be the light of my life. I lost my cat, my nights cuddling, my movie nights. I lost the one I liked to share new things with. I loved the shine in her eyes when I showed her something she didn’t know existed that she needed in her life. I liked her stupid laugh.

I do actually get out now which is an improvement from then. I go cycling at night with the wheels all lit up and music and good conversation in my ears. I work out and feel satisfaction when I can see measured improvement in my body. I repaired some relationships where I perhaps judged a little too harshly. I treat myself a lot better than I did. I try my best to smile more.

I do wish she could have chosen us. Looking back our issues were never as bad as she made it seem. Nothing that couldn’t be fixed if she made the choice. I’m glad this forced me to deal with my own self love. I wish I could share the new joys I have discovered.

Additional_Set_3151 · 2024-09-03T02:47:39+00:00

Honestly, maybe that just your path trying to speak to you. Most of us were all miserable at one point or another, or, still are. It's has 2 years since I seperated with her and honestly a lot of days are a struggle still, but all in all I'm doing well. I'm not sure if I'd say I'm "happy" but at the very least, I'm content.

I don't know your story, but I want to say that kind of blind-sided you. I know I was, but after about a year and when my friends finally go tired of me complaining to anyone who'd listen, I was reminded of all the signs that I overlooked and fuck did that hurt my ego. After that everything started getting better. The moments of "reclaiming my life" were honestly moments that just made my whole week. It was so small and stupid. I did all the grocery shopping and I fucking hate mild cheddar cheese, her and her daughter only ate mild cheddar, and my codependent ass started eating mild cheddar. One day when I was shopping and I reached for the mild while audibly saying "fucking mild..." and realized that I no longer have to bend the knee of cheese. Again it was stupid but amazing.

To be the 900th person to tell you, "you're going to be okay", dude, you're going to be just fine in time. I'm not going to say hit the gym, try and show her up or try and pull 20 year olds again. Just take 15 minutes and take a breath, you're here now and beating yourself up about the why's and what ifs isn't going to help you. My divorce final date is in January 2025, if your were to tell me I'd be "here" now 2 years ago, I would have told you I'm literally trying to make it to the next hour.

Chicago_Saluki · 2024-09-02T16:07:31+00:00

I just separated from my wife if 39 years a couple months ago. I am so relieved to be away from the negativity that it’s amazing. For now, I am content with taking it easy and relaxing. I’m 61, so I don’t really care about sex too much, but I miss female company and contact to the point that I’ll have to get out there at some point.

No-Engineering-9414 · 2024-09-01T22:18:41+00:00

How long has it been since you got divorced?

Become_Pneuma · 2024-09-01T16:28:02+00:00

This thread and replies is just depressing. Insane to me how commonplace it is for women to blow up families. This is a major problem/phenomenon that warrants academic studies. My observation is that this generation of women feels entitled to be happy and soothed 100% of the time. They have a victim mentality. They tell their friends all the ways in which their husbands r coming up short (mostly exaggerated), and their friends blindly console them and tell them to “know your worth” and “you can do better”. Not sure what the solution is other than raising our daughters right, and allowing time to root out this cancerous/toxic generation of women.

I was in your situation very recently. You will never get over your family being torn apart. My recommendation is to focus on yourself. I know it is cliche to say but you need to get in the gym and lift heavy weights to exhaustion. Really push yourself. It really is a miracle cure. I did this and got a girlfriend 15 years younger. She treats me like a king. I don’t care that I am a walking, middle-aged cliche. Weights and finding a woman that respects you is a miracle cure for precisely what ails you. Please fight through this hard time, brother. Your kids need you. Do it for them.

purple2789 · 2024-09-01T16:25:48+00:00

Idk im.happy af I'm not a man but damn I'm I so much better off after the abuse I endured

This_Train340i · 2024-09-01T13:05:38+00:00

This is why a man must never store his happiness in other people or things because they can be taken away in a second and cause immediate, debilitating depression. Never outsource your happiness to a woman again!

DudeforRighteousness · 2024-09-01T12:17:44+00:00

A lot of people say the person you knew no longer exists. What’s actually true is the person you thought you knew never existed in the first place. The only way to get through this is to properly grieve the death of the person you thought existed. All of this happened and it cannot be reversed. But you are still here for a reason. You have to put in the work in order to get better. Sitting around moping is not going to fix it. Trust me, I was there for a time. I was grieving so heavily I didn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. But there is plenty of life left to live. You are tougher than you understand. You were designed for a purpose. Find that purpose. The only way that I am finding my purpose is through my relationship with God.

HusbandGettingBetter · 2024-09-01T11:50:31+00:00

I assure you that I am not happy.

I love a woman who no longer exists (my wife before the divorce) or never existed (my memory of who I thought she was).

The divorce hurt my kids. They ask if their mom will always love them because she said she would always love dad, but now she does not. I don't have a good reply, so I assure them that both mommy and daddy will always love you.

I lost my family and the future memories I wanted to experience.

I get angry when she is shocked at the extremely foreseeable and easily predictable consequences of her decision to file for divorce.

I used to get angry when she refused to take accountability for her role in the failure of our marriage, but then I stopped waiting for a fish to climb a tree.

Get a journal and write in it. Get a therapist.

Perfect_Initiative_3 · 2024-09-01T09:52:32+00:00

Hello my friend I was a mess in the same boat as you I rented a studio three houses away thinking we would get back together and I would be able to see my kids whenever I want until three weeks after the divorce she start having a guy sleep over there 3 to 4 times a week I was devastated. This all started January when the divorce was finalized. It was horrible. No one this guy is sleeping in my side of the bed. Everything blah blah blah. For the past month, I’ve been seeing someone and let her know she went ballistic, lol but thats how things are I haven’t been happier then I am at this moment right now with this new chick. All I can say it takes time. You’re gonna be all right.

whoisgodiam · 2024-09-01T08:40:04+00:00

The world is your oyster, so many women out there. Never marry again. Done.

Previous-Product777 · 2024-09-01T06:57:50+00:00

Sorry to hear that. Hope things look up for you soon. If you got blindsided by divorce, then it definitely takes its toll on you. Took me years to get back to feeling good. In terms of finances and housing, she set me back about a decade, maybe more. Just got to keep plugging away at it - if you can make today just a little better than yesterday in any way, then you slowly get where you need to be. It’s ok to allow yourself to feel miserable though - try and set a timer, or give yourself a limit. Like I’d tell myself, ok I’m going to have a pity party tonight but the rest of the week has to be spent on positive things. Make your health your priority though, as you’ll need that as the foundation of all the other good stuff you’re going to do.

qmriis · 2024-09-01T06:20:45+00:00

Get jacked, fuck a lot of women half your age, marry one that is suitable.

Worked for me.

Too_old_3456 · 2024-09-01T06:03:45+00:00

Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. It’s no one’s job to make someone else happy, and if that’s their idea of what marriage is supposed to be then it’s not a healthy marriage. Time to separate.

probebeta · 2024-09-01T03:25:10+00:00

I wouldn't put divorced in my resume that's for sure. But you do have a choice, to dwell on the past or look towards the future with your new self. Family I had is gone, and now it's a new family without my ex and that's okay.

I had some pretty bizarre health issues as well, stress, anxiety attack which I didn't even know existed, drank, smoked a lot.

It's important to do something every day that improves you. Today I went for a bike ride, fresh air and cardio, watch sunset, alone. It's fantastic, and good for health. Gets better, just keep going!

Professional_Local15 · 2024-09-01T01:51:43+00:00

I had a great fucking day at work knowing I’m not responsible for making her happy any more. She can wallow in her misery. I stopped by to see the kids and she was suspicious of how happy I was.

SpiritedPeace4062 · 2024-09-01T01:41:32+00:00

Mate what posts are you reading... everyone is miserable in this sub. And with good reason. I would do anything to go back a few months and save my marriage. Lost everything I care about. Most nights I want to fing end it tbh. But then the day comes and u just get up and keep going. Fuck everything but just keep going. I miss her so much tho. Life lessons at 43 I should have learned at 5

Classic_Dill · 2024-09-01T00:03:51+00:00

Here’s the thing, we all probably felt that way in the beginning, but after a while you become indifferent, I also lost my job of almost 30 years so did most of the vets, we’re looking at a class action suit against our employer, but! At some point, the trauma leaves such a thick Scar tissue that you just don’t feel hardly anything anymore, I probably have four total emotions, hopefully more come back overtime, but it’s some point your body just won’t take anymore crap and you’ll just start not sweating the small stuff, you have to get through the acceptance phase of your healing, once you get past acceptance, it gets easier.

NewDay0110 · 2024-08-31T23:46:42+00:00

I'm sorry for what you are going through. It is devastating. Losing your home, money, and child is one of the worst outcomes that could come of a divorce, and I think many of the "happier" men here didn't lose as much as you did. Don't feel like you are unlucky however because many, maybe most, divorce situations end up like you for the male provider. This system is broken and needs to change.

Divorce is awful, but I think most of the men posting about how they are happier are looking at the glass half full. It was horrible to go through, but it is over and it is time to rebuild. You will need to find positivity to rebuild well. Enjoy simple pleasures that you may not have thought much about before.

jimsmythee · 2024-08-31T23:21:43+00:00

Life has been so much better for me since I got rid of the boat anchor of an exwife.

Here’s the thing, she sees me so much happier and healthier now. And the kids come with me everywhere. And she’s stuck working a dead end job and taking care of her disabled mother 24x7.

And she confided in her sister, that hind sight is 20-20 and she now wishes she would have done anything and everything to preserve the life she had with me.

Betteroffalone1111 · 2024-08-31T22:38:17+00:00

You would be happy with someone that doesn’t love you or want to be with u?

Secret-Pipe-8233 · 2024-08-31T22:21:52+00:00

So much happier but wouldn’t be if I lost my children. That would be so hard.

HailkingCesar · 2024-08-31T22:19:46+00:00

Divorce is never easy, for anyone!. But you shall be made whole again!! , the quicker you hop off the pity train. The quicker you can start to rebuild!!. And your kids will always be your kids you just gotta fight harder to there parent because of the divorce.

You got this! Listen to some motivational videos on YouTube and get to work on the new you!!!

stupididiot78 · 2024-08-31T21:09:12+00:00

Nope. Divorce fucking sucks.

Puzzleheaded-Yam1718 · 2024-08-31T20:45:46+00:00

Nah man. Sadness on the daily. But I was willing to put up with abuse to keep my family together. When I finally said no more is when she left and filed.

JustSomeDude7287 · 2024-08-31T20:36:01+00:00

I wouldn’t say we’re happy, I’d say we found Peace. Our happiness lies within building the family we always wanted. No man wants to build this life then have it come burning down.

Unfortunately that is also our downfall because we want to succeed so much in this family ideology. We put up with way too much to keep the family together and it can’t just be us. Women nowadays because of social media and the culture that made them believe they are the prize. Have fuck up everything. When reality hits them post divorce they’ll realize the good they had and the men who went through this is the real PRIZE.

To overcome the stress you have to feel it and go fucking through it. It takes work you have to do otherwise it’ll consume you.

Go be outdoor in the early morning.
Exercise - cardio, calisthenics, powerlifting, strength training, I don’t care move your body.
Read books or listen to audiobooks for motivation
Self reflect. On your past, your present and what you want for the future - work toward that.
Eat healthy - your body is only as good as the fuel source
Sleep 7-8 hours use medication if you have to
Practice mindfulness be able to understand that every emotion is a wave and it’ll pass don’t react to it

Don’t play victim, ain’t no one coming to save you but yourself. So tell yourself do you want to be in this state of self pity or you going to do something about it? You will lose half there’s nothing that can be done so fuck it. Move on, don’t give up or quit life, because you know who fucking suffer because of that - your children.

Diablo_Canyon2 · 2024-08-31T20:33:33+00:00

I'm happier without my X. My kids thrown into the chaos of it all made me depressed.

alifeofpeace · 2024-08-31T20:21:55+00:00

I am very happy to be away from my ex wife. She’s a lying, cheating, drinking, manipulative user. My life is loads better without her in it.

crankyrhino · 2024-08-31T20:01:36+00:00

I don't know why she left, but would you really objectively look at the relationship and think she's your best friend after some careful thought?

lonelySoulThrowAway · 2024-08-31T19:16:22+00:00

Welcome to the club ! All those who are happy now including me were just as clueless as you regarding "what next?" In due course we learnt whatever gonna happen we will deal with it when the time comes. Many of us didnt want our life to be about this sub-reddit, but here we are !! Band of brothers just getting by each day bit by bit. I still feel jealous of people with their partners around, but have learnt to accept my truth and move on. You can't control people but you can decide not to loose sight of your future. You do have a future where you will be happier than today and stronger. So all this is just the path to that. So make a strong will to do one good and positive thing each day.

Plastic_Efficiency35 · 2024-08-31T18:58:45+00:00

I am still “effing miserable”. Not quite divorced yet but am getting slammed left and right. All my assets are locked. Frozen by the greedy biatch. It’s been 3 times already they(her and lawyer) came to me with their demands. Each time , more and more $$$- my lawyer said F them. We are not signing shiaaaaat. So said, all my business and properties all the sudden has “her name “ attached to it. Yup I can’t do jackshiaaaaatttt Worse now, she placed a PFA on me. And using daughter as pawn. My lawyer and the police/sheriff AND judge(I am in court evicting tenants often) all told me I fell into her trap because I went over to talk after she came over to talk during the PFA. I am broke as F, but have to resort to food banks at the moment. Rich on assets….brokeass at the moment. We will survive this,buddy. It’s fucked up because we,men- most of us dedicated ourselves to our family. These new woke women s movement are only out for themselves.

Internal-Wolverine13 · 2024-08-31T18:42:09+00:00

Happiness is something women chase. It's a fleeting feeling and should not be your end goal. Contentment is what you are seeking. Some of the source of contentment will be acceptance of your current situation as it is and some will be things improving to the point that you can see you're making forward progress toward your goals. Hang in there, contentment awaits.

playerknowmore · 2024-08-31T18:38:12+00:00

This sounds like a great name for a subreddit.

philanumis · 2024-08-31T18:34:58+00:00

Happiness is key to overcoming many of the drawbacks that was created and to scale any walls that we ourselves have erected.

Took me a while to realize that my late wife with BPD caused me oodles of anxiety since having to walk on eggshells through out our relationship of three decades.

After dealing with a whole list of ailments out of which few required surgeries, a very kind doctor who was only doing the scans on me half way across the globe sat me down and had a very open chat. She surmised that I was under unnecessary duress due to all the stress brought upon by my self.

On the road to recovery, have realized that one can only work on the self to be out of all the misery and currently deal with all the aspects one at a time each day.

A few things I learnt along the way - Cortisol for example, affects several aspects of your body and mainly helps regulate your body's response to stress. If out of whack, prolonged elevations of it increases blood pressure as well as blood sugar, cholesterol, and triglycerides. For a person living with chronic stress, the result can be chest pain, irregular heartbeats, shortness of breath, and an increased risk of heart attack and stroke.

I mention this because the doctors diagnosed me to have had a mild attack exactly a hear ago.

Seeking professional and medical attention along with meditation etc. has really helped oodles in this journey to recovery and self discovery.

Hang in there for this too shall pass.

Take care.

No_Special379 · 2024-08-31T18:26:22+00:00

I feel you.

TerribleAmbassador69 · 2024-08-31T18:14:40+00:00

Mine finalized almost a month ago. It took almost 2 years, and over a year of that was me sleeping in the basement on a borrowed bed and curtain wall.

Moving out helped tremendously. I did therapy for a little over a year. Read/listened to some books. Found solace in films, shows, books, music, where I could see other people living life through shit experiences and be okay.

I lived in a toxic marriage where I allowed myself to be manipulated into believing I was a horrible monster. I lost my faith, home, and aspects of my family. I lost my entire identity. But…

Being out of that marriage for this long has shown me that I’m actually a pretty great guy. And I can honestly say I’m happier than I’ve been most of my adult life.

Am I there yet? Not close!

Am I okay with where I am? Sort of. I’m okay that I’m on a better path. And I know things will be good sooner than before.

Time and space help. Experiencing the world through new eyes helps.

The only way through the shittiest part of your life is through it. No short cuts as far as I know. But…you’re already in the pile of shit. It won’t last forever. And you’ll feel so free once you’re out of it.

QT2020 · 2024-08-31T18:13:49+00:00

You’re still young bro, a lot of life to live. Take good care of yourself, I found out that works. Try not to live in the past.

ABBucsfan · 2024-08-31T18:04:45+00:00

I wouldn't say I'm not struggling... I'm MORE happy than I was being in a marriage with an abusive personality, but I've got a long ways to get to where I was before I got involved with her. Four years later and still recovering from the stuff I had to deal with. I was a fairly content person with little worries until I got married. It brought so many constant problems and worries. Everything had to be a crisis. I struggle with anxiety now after the fact.

I do wish I could give my children a complete family and miss them sometimes, but I enjoy the time to be alone and unwind..never got that before. I never lost a best friend. While I was friends with her and a group of other people before marriage I realized after years with the real her that I wouldn't have even chosen to be friends with her if I'd seen it up front.

I think I probably suffered for years and spent years grieving the loss of who I thought she was to get to this point. As others said if it's just your first year it'll likely get better over time

Positive_Rub_6696 · 2024-08-31T18:01:23+00:00

When a tornado hits, it’s great when the wind stops blowing, but there’s still plenty of cleanup work to do. Noting gets back to normal over night. It takes time and work.

If it doesn’t come naturally, it must come out of necessity. One simply cannot sustain living in misery, perpetually.

If you’re that bad, you may want to seek professional therapy. Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. Sounds like you need to learn how to live a different life and live differently. Do the work. It’s worth it.

Miserable_Ad_1172 · 2024-08-31T17:57:00+00:00

It will be ok man, happier takes time. Also fulfilment is more important In life than happiness, sometimes finding fulfilment means we have to suffer and go through pain. No one else on this earth can make you happy only you can find that within. People can come into your life and add happiness. Some can take it away but if you stay true to yourself, if you keep going no matter what life throws at you, eventually you will realise how strong you really are, what you can overcome and what wonderful things are out there for you. You didn’t lose your family it’s just different now. If you don’t have time with your kids get fighting for them. They need you. We are all here to support and cheer each other on. Now flick those thoughts away of her. Get yourself picked up and improve yourself to the next level.

0neMinute · 2024-08-31T17:53:32+00:00

From most of the happy posts i see, happiness has come after a year plus. For all the guys in those first 12 months its rough. Keep working on yourself and rebuilding, take time and take it one day at a time. You got this dude

familymanlikesfamily · 2024-08-31T17:50:16+00:00

It could always be worse. You're still above the ground.

Keep fighting. Focus on yourself and try to find a way to blow some steam and meditate. If you're a man of faith, speak to God when you feel your lowest. Being a man is not easy but you must overcome this.

Title	"Happier After Divorce"
Author	6-demon-bag808
Upvotes	97
Comments	97
Date	August 31, 2024 5:43 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1f5t01w/happier_after_divorce/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/happier-after-divorce.1528975 https://theredarchive.com/post/1528975

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