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Positive_Rub_6696 Archive

View 0 posts and 208 comments by Positive_Rub_6696 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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2

Idk about Texas, but general advice is “don’t move out of the house until a judge orders you to do so.” If you are concerned about DV allegations, have a dedicated voice recorder going. Get (or at least speak with) an attorney; definitely speak with 3-4 different attorneys.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/26 06:02 AM
3

You may feel that you cannot afford an attorney, but neither can you afford to get it wrong. Do yourself a favor and at least meet with 3-4 local attorneys, then proceed accordingly. Ask a lot of questions. Also look into any free legal assistance provided by the local courts; if you decide to forego an attorney, the courts usually have services to assist you with filling out and filing all requisite forms.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/26 04:26 PM
1

I interviewed at least 4 attorneys before choosing one to file for me. I chose a woman I liked best, although in hindsight she was lukewarm about my hiring her to begin with. Paid the retainer, filled out all required paperwork including financial disclosures and divorce got filed; wife got served, etc. 3-4 weeks later (wife hadn’t even responded formally yet) my attorney asked me to fill out the financial disclosures again. My first thought was, “I already did this… is this normal to do it agai…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/26 07:44 PM
3

Overnights is what counts. There's a financial component for both Child Support and claiming children on your taxes that would be based on overnights. Keep those two things in mind before agreeing to anything.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 10:25 PM
3

OP, this 👆 is an excellent response Here’s my experience: I filed in March 2018, final judgment in September the same year. She hadn’t worked since 2003, so the only taxable income she had was my spousal support ($1k/mo), so well under the federal standard deduction of $18k/yr. In my judgment it stated that for tax year 2018 petitioner (me) would claim both children “unless there was benefit to the respondent (her). I interpreted this as, unless she made enough income to pay more than $2k in inc…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 01:58 AM
3

You’re only 30. People say “life is short,” but on the other hand, life is the longest thing you’ll do! The fact is, you’ve probably got 40-60 years ahead of you. There are no guarantees and there are no absolutes. Take some time. Work on yourself and enjoy yourself. You never know what gifts life will bring you when you’re ready. Ever heard the phrase “the harder I work, the luckier I get? Good luck
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 01:46 AM
1

Are you just trying to estimate here? I would imagine you’ll get any number of answers depending on state and other non-insurance factors. Just like buying a car, the dealership can make money off of you a dozen different ways - not just the selling price. For me, CA, 8 years ago. Two teens, she didn’t work. I paid about $1k in SS and $2k in CS. I paid (still pay, even though they’re 20 & 22 now) for all insurance and we split anything insurance didn’t cover 50/50. YMMV
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 10:29 PM
2

I stayed 10 years after I knew. In my 9th year, understanding that (in CA) SS was for half the duration of marriage and “for life” if the marriage was greater than 10 years, I began planning an initiation of divorce. She figured it out and talked me out of it. Things were better for a couple years but it wasn’t long before things degenerated again. Around year 18 I got to drinking my misery away, on a daily basis. That lasted a couple years before I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. …
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 06:50 PM
2

It gets better with time. I was pretty jaded the first couple years. I’m 8 years out now and in a much better place both financially and emotionally.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/26 06:42 PM
2

Sadly, some states can consider your circumstances to have changed and she could make a claim for CS, SS and/or change of who pays for the health insurance. I was told (in CA) that when my CS ended, she had up to 6 months to claim a “change of circumstance” and try to get more SS now that she wasn’t getting CS. I was mindful of how new marriage could change the previous judgment. I’d be inclined to consult with an attorney and or consider the cost of defending (and possibly losing) if the ex fil…
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/26 03:17 AM
1

I think as far as courts go, pets are “property.” Fighting over a dog is like fighting over a recliner as far as they’re concerned.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/26 02:42 AM
1

I actually got a phone call before I could finish the story. To answer your question, no, she don’t blame me - not directly. She blamed “ageism.” But more to your point, while she sited “not even Starbucks will hire me,” there are tons of warehouses in the area (I work in supply chain and could have gotten her hired) but 1) she scoffed at that idea and 2) I was advised by my attorney to stay out of it and not make suggestions. (I had sent her a posting for a job fair once and it went over like a…
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/26 02:49 PM
4

Oh man, I can so relate! My divorce had been finalized over 6 years when my youngest turned 18 and CS ceased. I waited 6 more months to bring up ending SS (she hadn’t worked since oldest was 6mo old, but there was a provision in the judgement that she “make reasonable effort to become self supporting in a reasonable amount of time,” and had done nothing - no job, no school, nothing). First convo, I brought it up lightly - “I wanted to talk to you about ending support.” Clearly bothered, she just…
/r/Divorce_Men13/01/26 07:40 PM
1

The hours is metaphorical. The point is, sex is important, but you still have to live with the person you’re with.
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/26 08:46 PM
20

Tbh, I didn’t read much past the first section of GPT, but sounded pretty good up to then. My AA sponsor also gave me this advice: “No” is a complete sentence.
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/26 07:37 PM
2

I have a lot of, admittedly evolving and disjointed, views on marriage: First, love and marriage are two distinct things and can be mutually exclusive. Both can be beautiful. Both can be devastating. Since divorcing, I gained a new opinion that "it should be as hard to get married as it is to get divorced." I was never "taught" anything by my mom and later step-dad (never knew my father), in particular. Rather I was "taught" by society - the government by way of tax incentives, the church per se…
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/26 05:40 PM
5

Because kids may internalize the information. I had a friend of mine advised me to never, ever under any circumstances say bad things to or in front of my kids about their mom. He said, “if you say ‘mom’s a piece of shit,’ what they hear is ‘mom’s a piece of shit so that must mean I’m a piece of shit.’” If it’s possible for them to think that, why chance it? If they’re too young to understand, better they don’t know. As that get older they tend to figure it out. Being the first one to point it o…
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 07:08 AM
8

Sounds like you care. I can assure you, you’re not the first person to go through this. I’ll give you an anecdotal version of my story: I was “sure” I wanted a divorce shortly before I hit the 10 year mark. I hadn’t told her directly, but she caught on when I started selling tools and stuff to pay an attorney. When I admitted wanting to divorce, she talked me out of it. Things got better for a while but not long. Shortly after the 10-year mark - the point at which I believed alimony was “for lif…
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/25 06:04 AM
1

I never posted pics is my kids on FB with exception if an activity where you only saw it was the back of some kid’s head - not their face.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/25 10:30 PM
3

I think you can try to go the easy route by sugarcoating it, but most women would press you for a reason. In all likelihood she knows you don't trust her, but many woman will try to rationalize it and talk you out of it. If you want to avoid lawyers, best you can do is just try to be kind about it; honest, but factual and not mean, or cruel in any way. Try to avoid blaming her out loud, even if you (rightfully) do blame her; maybe even something like "I know you've been trying, but I just can't …
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/25 04:01 PM
7

What’s remarkable to me about this story is, nobody goes through that level of questioning when a young couple wants to get married. OP’s on to the next chapter in his life. Things will get better.
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/25 11:18 PM
2

It’s pretty universal. If it’s important to mow the lawn, you’ll do it If it’s important to exercise, you’ll do it If it’s important to call your parents, you’ll do it If it’s important to work on your relationship, you’ll do it.
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/25 05:47 PM
6

Put another way, “People do what’s important to them.”
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/25 05:11 PM
19

Her calling you “weak” is contempt, and contempt is the number one indicator of divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/25 06:49 AM
5

I was married in 1998. I had a poorly planned attempt at divorce before I hit 10 years - my perceived magical time when in California I understood spousal support to move from half the duration of the marriage to “for life.” Around 2016 I was so miserable, I took to drinking daily because I was convinced I was destined to be broke and alone if I tried to get out of the marriage. I drank daily to oblivion for two years before I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was still afraid of bei…
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/25 04:33 PM
14

Shooting I always wanted a pistol when I was younger but didn’t have the money. Years later (while married) I had the money, but “she” said “no.” Not long after I filed I bought my first one. Shen she found out, she wasn’t happy about it and said, “you know, the first person they suspect is the husband.” She was serious too. My INTERNAL response was, “why would I go out and spend $500 on a gun when there’s a perfectly good hammer in the garage?” 😂My EXTERNAL response was, “that’s not why I bough…
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/25 03:06 PM
1

If you lived alone, you’d be doing the same “chores.” Can totally relate to her making life difficult until you move: I filed but refused to move out until we had a formal agreement on custody/visitation. It was the only leverage I had. I was sleeping in the bonus room which was an open loft, and she would literally sit over me and harass me to purposely make it so bad I’d want to leave. I kept my leverage and finally came to an agreement on custody and I moved out asap thereafter. Sucks. If you…
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/25 03:39 PM
3

I did this as well. I actually had one advised me at least two specific attorneys I should consult with if only because she wouldn’t want them as opposition, since any attorney you consult with cannot be hired by STBX.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/25 05:37 AM
7

If you want 50/50, you should try to get it I was only about 60 days sober when I filed and u asked for 50/50. She said, “not gonna happen.” “Why not?” “Because you’re an alcoholic and I don’t think you’ll stay sober.” Only first time getting sober and had checked myself into rehab, etc., but I figured I’d get a year and press for 50/50 then. I ended up waiting 2y until I had more room for the kids and filed. Mediator decided “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” and kept status quo. All came down …
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/25 07:11 AM
11

Talk to at least 5 attorneys Divorce is expensive but worth it I was in CA, married 20y, she didn’t work, two kids. I had to work a night job hosting karaoke at night to make ends meet WORTH IT!!!
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/25 03:47 AM
1

All things being equal, I didn’t want to put my kids in a position to have to choose between their mother and I. Thankfully, neither of us felt like it was fair to them, so we kept them out of it. Mediator asked us and we both declined.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/25 05:31 PM
3

I can relate here. I’m the type that I do not like to be alone (single), related to having been alone so much growing up (latchkey kid, and in my teens, mom and step dad worked nights, and my friends all lived miles away, so I was alone most of the time). For the first 6 years after my divorce, I was FIRMLY in the camp of “I’m never getting married again, under any circumstances.” Then I met a woman - different from her predecessors - and I’m now open to whatever. Likely possible reasons for the…
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/25 04:15 PM
2

Mating in Captivity is another good read
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/25 04:06 PM
1

Maybe yoga
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/25 05:39 AM
1

I feel for you. In 2021 I had recently had a gf pass away in Aug and mom passed in September. I had my kids the first part of the week of thanksgiving but thanksgiving day I was alone. I fucking hated it. Afterwards a friend admonished me for not saying something to him. I would have been welcomed to join his family. I didn’t want to feel all pathetic in asking but in hindsight, would have been much better
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/25 04:39 PM
2

Like CA, which is also largely 9.75%, I think it depends on the county. Here in Nashville, it’s 9.75-ish. Higher in Franklin, 20m south. But also comparing to CA, in the two years I’ve been here, gas is usually between $2.50-2.85/gal where CA hovers just under $5/gal. Car registration in TN is like $54/yr compared to $500/yr in CA. Auto insurance is about 3% higher in TN. All in all, I’d say total cost of living is 15-20% lower in TN than CA
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/25 07:00 PM
3

I moved to TN… no state income tax. Rent and tax alone saved me $1500/mo outside of Nashville, vs Riverside, CA.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/25 04:58 PM
3

When I started dating before my divorce was finalized, as a newly sober alcoholic, women were FAR more reluctant to date me because of the divorce, than because I was an alcoholic. It’s just a road that must be traveled
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 09:38 PM
11

The experiment won’t help. I can almost guarantee your worst expectation will be realized. If you want someone to know something, tell them If you want to know something, ask them.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/25 02:38 PM
4

Nope. She stopped working about 6mo after the first kid. After about 6y of SS, I petitioned the court to stop and was successful. Up until I stopped paying a little over a year ago, she hadn’t started anything to my knowledge. Haven’t communicated with her since. No idea if she’s working or not. Doesn’t matter, don’t care.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/25 09:21 PM
13

When my divorce was finalized I was ordered to pay around $600 more per month than I had available in my budget. When I told my attorney that he said, “pay that no matter what, even if you have to get a second job.” I said, “won’t she just come back for half of that too?” He said, “she can try, but the court would not look to favorably at that.” So that’s what I did. My “real” job is in IT. I started hosting karaoke 3-5 nights a week - as a sober person. I do that for about 5 years. Men do what …
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/25 03:54 PM
2

Now that you’re out, I doubt you’ll get back in. Telling you “never leave” isn’t helpful now. Other men? Maybe, maybe not. It doesn’t matter - it’s out of your control. The “Serenity Prayer” doesn’t just apply to alcoholics… look it up. Hear it. Understand it. Live it. You need a plan for moving forward. You will need to communicate with the wife and come up with a parenting plan. You can do this with or without an attorney. I’d generally recommend getting an attorney to help guide you to try to…
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/25 05:02 PM
1

The tough thing about “stay together for the kids” is demonstrating that separate emotional lives under the same household is somehow “normal and healthy.” Its not.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/25 06:32 PM
1

If it’s well within your means, then go for it. BUT… I’d recommend being smart and safe about it. When you’re driving in your car, how may people do you see looking down at their phones? Too many. People are already not paying attention… you’re vulnerable out there, so you need to know how to handle the bike defensively. Some municipalities may even offer free training. Find a good quality training class/program.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/25 05:58 PM
2

Your second paragraph is very similar to how my wife treated me. Outside of constantly threatening me with divorce, the rest was all there. I could do noting right in her eyes. I put up for it for 20 years; I thought I was stuck, and that I didn’t have a choice. I’d made my bed. But instead of lying in it, I drank and became an alcoholic. I was absolutely miserable. Always worse, never better. Miserable until I got sick and tired of being by sick and tired. I went to rehab and understood the roo…
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/25 07:15 AM
1

Since you acknowledge that the phone was already a driving issue, I’ll assume a reasonable conversation with the STBX about daughter’s request and including her IF she can put the phone down is moot. Your kids often see far more than we think they do. They’ll see through your stuffing down your feelings and discomfort. More importantly, they will see mom’s use of her phone (and your acceptance of it) as modeling behavior, so I absolutely would not invite/include mom on these outings. “No” is a c…
/r/Divorce_Men28/10/25 07:02 AM
13

It seems the most likely explanation is either fear of impact to any support OP may be paying, or possibly just not wanting to upset OP. The thing that really bothers me in this scenario is putting the kids in a position of having to lie to the other parent. I'd been divorced maybe 5 years, and had moved to another state. I was talking on the phone to my adult (18 or 19 yo?) son maybe a few days after Thanksgiving and was just conversationally asking him about his holiday. My ex has a large fami…
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/25 04:14 PM
8

If ever there was a reason to wish them the best!
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/25 05:25 PM
5

Probably depends on a NUMBER of factors, including your income, how you divide your current assets, what she agrees to, and what state you're in. I was married 20 years in CA, and wife hadn't worked in probably 15 years. She had been a program manager at a major utility and actually made more money than I did before she quit to be a SAHM. No college degree. When we divorced, she stipulated to earning minimum wage (which reduced how much I had to pay for SS and CS), and in the final judgement, th…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/25 05:10 PM
2

Fears are almost never as bad as our imagination. People say life is short. Life is the longest thing you will ever do. You’ve likely to have periods of loneliness, but if you’re not destined to be alone forever, unless that’s what you choose. Life is what you make of it. So go make something of your life.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/25 08:23 PM
1

It was important to me to have an agreed upon written parenting plan in place before I would move out after I filed. Said parenting plan included details such as how we would divide holidays/vacation and also what happened on my and her birthday. Very simply, no matter what the “normal” schedule was for the given week/day, we each I’d the kids on our own birthdays. I had them for mine, and she had them for hers.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/25 04:40 PM
10

Crass joke: why does a pussy have hair around it? To hide the hooks. I could describe an early-marriage sex life similar to yours, then mine progressed similarly. I don’t think we had sex at all in the last year or two. When I filed, she did not want the “divorced” label and, almost predictably resorted to trying to initiate sex in order to hook me back in. I wasn’t having it. I think I literally had to spout “no means no” at her when she tried to join me in the shower. I wasn’t about to delay m…
/r/Divorce_Men11/09/25 05:07 PM
2

Pets are considered property and courts won’t care. It’s like disagreeing on how to split up the dishes.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/25 06:24 PM
3

My level of acceptance is directly proportional to my serenity. The Serenity Prayer is big in AA, but not exclusive to drinking. Recommend you give the sentiment some thought. God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/25 08:04 PM
8

I divorced in CA in 2018 after 19y of marriage. She did not work since 2003, and the idea of lifetime spousal support (SS) kept me married far longer than it should have. My attorney included “Gavron Warning,” which loosely states that the supporter party should make “reasonable effort to become self supporting in a reasonable amount of time.” Two “reasonables” is pretty damn ambiguous. 6mo after child support ended (6 years after the divorce was finalized), I filed to end SS. She resisted but u…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/25 06:59 PM
11

I filed for divorce after 19+y of marriage. I walked away with about $15k of debt, zero assets and owing $3k/mo in CC/SS about $600 more in monthly payments I had budget for. I took a night job 3-5 nights a week hosting karaoke in bars (as a sober alcoholic) to make it work for about 5 years. I’m still striving for home ownership but I have some savings now. Totally worth it. I’m so much happier now.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/25 05:01 PM
4

I had a semi-similar experience; my 20th was about 2 weeks before court and our divorce was final two weeks after court. It was a little odd with the only known association as being a “celebration.” The difference for me maybe is, I’m the one who filed, so no sense of abandonment, nor hope or reconciliation. To quote my sponsor, “nobody wins in divorce.” Keep your head up - it’ll get better with time. Focus on what’s important. Hint: she’s no longer important.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/25 06:46 AM
1

Acceptance is the key to my serenity
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/25 02:34 AM
4

Someone else touched on it… unless you have reason to believe there could be harm to your child… stay out of it. Never use your child to actively gather info. If she talks, listen, but don’t use her as a source of intel. And don’t use the child as a messenger. If you have something to tell or ask the ex, take care of that shit directly. It’s hard man… you’ll get through it.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/25 02:00 AM
7

The first two paragraphs are all about your feelings, which are largely irrelevant. He’s her coworker. Does she work at Chic-fil-A or a corporate office. Is he likely to be a deadbeat, druggie or white collar professional? If it’s the former, look into it further. If it’s the later, you have no business in her business. Don’t fret over things you can’t control. Remember, this co-parenting thing is a marathon, not a sprint.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/25 01:44 AM
1

My MIL passed about 2 years before I filed. She didn’t commingle the money and I never saw a dime of it. But talk to an attorney, not some reditiot
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/25 06:02 AM
5

This was me in 2017 Married 19y, two kids, SAHM. I was afraid of being broke and alone. My solution was to drink myself to oblivion every night until I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I sobered up, filed for divorce, moved out, got a night job to make ends meet. Eventually, CS for one ended, then the second, then I filed to stop SS. It took 6 years but I’m here to tell you my fears were FAR worse than what reality turned out to be.
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/25 01:58 AM
2

Wouldn’t CS be ending on 18th birthday?
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/25 05:15 AM
3

I stayed in a 20 year marriage 10 years too long. I dealt with it in the last couple of years by drinking, more and more as time went on in an effort to numb my emotions. By the end of it, I was drinking because I had to, not because I wanted to. I stayed because she was a SAHM and I was too afraid of being broke and alone. I sobered up, filed for divorce, moved out, and got a night job hosting karaoke. I was neither broke, nor alone. I only regret letting my fear hold me back for as long as I d…
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/25 12:54 AM
4

I was in between “not unless a judge orders it” and where OP is: she actively made it worse for me to be there. I refused to move out UNTIL we had a signed custody agreement. This was my only leverage. It was tough to stick to but once I had the signed agreement, I was out within a week.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/25 03:32 PM
2

I’ve read a few besides NMMNG including Unplugged Alpha, and Rational Male. Tbh, the others seem to swing too far the other direction, bordering on unhealthy. Someone else mentioned therapy, and for me that’s what really helped.
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/25 04:14 PM
2

You paid 80% before and that won’t change… 50 to her and 30 more for you. But at least now you’ll have some peace.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/25 12:50 AM
9

There’s really not a lot you put here as to your rationale why you want to leave, other than to be alone, but I’ll give you my experience. Take it for what it is… I was married and lived in California and she was a SAHM. My understanding of family law there was I would be obligated to pay spousal support half the duration of the marriage, up to 10 years (married 10, pay 5) and after 10 years it was “for life. In year 9 I started a poorly planned exit/divorce initiation. She figured it out, we ta…
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 10:39 PM
1

Hope you’re keeping it together. As another suggested. Al-Anon may be helpful. In short, you cannot control her or her alcohol use; you can only control you and how you respond. It does no good to pour out a bottle - they’ll just replace it and get better at hiding it. It may be a difficult decision to make and to follow through with, but losing you may be the bottom she needs; people are motivated by pain. GL
/r/Divorce_Men31/05/25 09:48 PM
8

Idk what the $800 is in reference to… I hope that was neither a first consultation fee, nor that you actually hired this first one Strongly suggest meeting with MULTIPLE attorneys. Most will offer to meet you to discuss your case for no charge. It will likely be a 30 minute sit down to discuss your case and your concerns. Fun fact: any attorney you speak to cannot be hired by your wife. I literally had one attorney recommend I speak to a couple others, if for no other reason than she would not w…
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/25 07:56 PM
1

Man, this is a sucky position to be in, but reflog’s comments is pretty strong. I originally asked for 50/50. Long story short was I settled for EOW bc I was newly sober, (foolishly) assuming I could get it after I had a year sobriety. When I went after 50/50, there was an option to let the kids decide or at least have a say since they were old enough to have an opinion. Thankfully, both of us felt it would be more harmful to have them involved in the proceedings. When it came to anything divorc…
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/25 05:19 AM
3

I’m my case, I was married 10 years too long in a 20 year marriage and I drank to bury the misery. I was afraid of being broke and alone. I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I sobered up, and filed for divorce 6 weeks later. Best decision I ever made. I struggled. No doubt, but I stopped being miserable.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/25 04:05 AM
10

There’s an old joke: Do you know why divorce is so expensive? Because it’s worth it! I was underwater when I got divorced. Half my take home went to SS/CS. I took a night job hosting karaoke for the better part of 5 years (Covid year excluded). Now, 7 years later, I’m good. Living my best life.
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/25 12:45 AM
0

Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. And maybe if you don’t, you don’t “right now.” I’ve had a few gf’s since I got divorced 7 years ago. I’ve believed all along I would never, ever remarry, but I’m open to it with the woman I’m with now. Is she different from the gf’s and my ex before her? Yes. Am I different? Probably. Life is long and there are few absolutes. Maybe you don’t have what it takes today. If not, consider therapy and look into yourself if it’s something you think you may want. Marriage …
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 03:02 PM
1

I was of the belief that I would be obligated to pay SS for half the duration of the marriage, up until 10 years of marriage, then “for life” if the marriage lasted past 10 years. At about 9.5 years, I began a process to initiate. She caught on and she talked me out of it. Things were better for a couple years, then they weren’t. I was miserable and became an alcoholic. I finally filed at 19.5 years, and the divorce was finalized just after out 20th anniversary. I wasted a lot of time. I should …
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 06:04 AM
3

I speak from experience on the drinking. It’s how I buried my misery until just before I filed. Once my head cleared, I had direction - things began to change when I stopped, but other things needed to changed, but when they didn’t, I filed. I’ve been sober since. I drank because I was afraid. Afraid of financial hardship and fear of loneliness. But I became sick and tired of being sick and tired. When I sobered up and dealt with my problems and faced my fears, I found my fears were mostly unfou…
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 05:59 AM
1

If you have 10 problems and drink today, those 10 problems will be there tomorrow Maybe more if you’re “dumb” about it, as you say. Alcohol only helps you forget about your problems, at best. At some point you’ll need to handle them. The sooner the better.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 12:26 AM
3

I got a night job hosting karaoke. I’m sober and hanging out in bars. Do what ya gotta do.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/25 06:41 PM
5

There’s a wrench for every nut. You’ll find a new one who will be into whatever you are into. More kinky might be harder to match but you’ll find one sooner or later
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/25 09:02 PM
6

Here’s a story: After I moved out and my (then) stbx, long story short, found my Fourth Step (in AA, personal inventory of your fears, resentments, sex, etc.) and read at least some of my resentments while I was not in the room. She took offense and disagreed with what I had written. For the record, it didn’t matter if we had the same opinion- it was MY resentment. Anyway, she tried to get me destroy it (the paper it was written on). I refused, as it was an important part of my 12 Step recovery …
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/25 06:22 AM
2

Therapy
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/25 11:18 PM
5

I was 4 months sober, two months post filing and probably hadn’t been laid in nearly 2 years when I took a trip to visit my cousin in Nevada for Memorial Day weekend. When you’re newly sober, they advise “no new relationships in the first year.” There’s good reason for that, which is outside of this topic, but suffice it to say, I saw the legal brothels in NV as a loophole. $400 and I lasted all of 5 minutes. Ouch! I didn’t get much value for my money but I didn’t regret it. It was pretty cool (…
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/25 11:42 PM
3

People do what’s important to them
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/25 03:45 PM
2

I took woodshop in high school and it was probably the first day of class they taught to use the right tool for the job at hand. You don’t use a coffee mug to drive a nail, and you don’t use a butter knife to turn a screw. Can they get the job done? Maybe. If it does, you’re probably damaging either to tool or the fastener. They say there’s a wrench for every nut, which is to say the “right” person for you is probably out there. I’m divorced 7 years, and I was pretty firmly in the camp of “I’m n…
/r/Divorce_Men26/03/25 02:28 PM
1

It’s a start
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 05:39 PM
10

Check out the book, No More Mr. Nice Guy
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/25 03:34 PM
1

I was married in CA in 1998. We had our first child in 2003 and she quit her Program Manager at SCE job 6mo later. In 2005 we had our second child and by 2007 I was miserable and wanted out. She talked me out of it and things got better again for a year or two but by then I was what I refer to as “fully vested;” that point at which I understood alimony to convert from “half the duration of the marriage,” to “life.” I was miserable. By 2016 I began drinking more and more to stop giving a shit and…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 06:23 AM
17

It should be as hard to get married as it is to get divorced
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 05:45 PM
2

To the other guy’s point, conventional advice is to stay in the marital home until ordered by a judge to do so. I was in a similar situation where long story short, it wasn’t “my” house, despite being the only income and paying taxes, insurance, maintenance and improvements. So I definitely had to leave eventually. BUT, short of her making some false DV claim, she couldn’t force me out. Having said that, I moved out as soon as we had a signed agreement on custody (about 2-2.5 months after I file…
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/25 07:28 AM
3

Maybe it wasn’t clear… as the 6 year mark was coming up, I initiated the topic of reduction to her over the phone. After a couple months of not really engaging in the convo, I just filed to end it, which I got her to agree to, but ended up seeing the judge anyway, where we made it official.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/25 04:43 AM
2

I was married 20 years and leveraged Gavron Warning (California) after 6 years. No reduction from say one through year 6. I got a second job to make ends meet in the meantime
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/25 03:21 AM
3

I had no claim to my ex’s inheritance, which she received before our divorce. Hope your ex won’t have any claim
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/25 09:51 PM
1

I have the advantage of being an alcoholic in recovery and found that the fellowship of men in AA to be immensely helpful. If you have other men who are close friends, spend time with them and talk.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/25 05:33 PM
3

In 2018, I got sober from alcohol at the end of January. Filed for divorce in March. Moved out in May, and thought I was ready to start dating in July. I had thought the alcoholism would be the big red flag. Nope. It was the not-yet finalized divorce. I was equally transparent about both and the alcoholism never bothered any of the matches. In hindsight I could have waited a little longer before dating, but I didn’t have any tolerance for loneliness.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/25 02:14 PM
6

I feel this… Divorce finalized in 9/2018 and order said for 2018 I was supposed to claim the kids “unless it benefits the mother.” It was a foregone conclusion; she didn’t work up until then and unlikely she’d make more than the exemption before Jan 1. So I claimed both kids. I told her in passing after I filed that per the order I claimed them. She took exception and claimed them too. In 2019 I got a letter from the IRS that there “may have been a mistake,” given two filers had claimed the same…
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/25 11:00 PM
2

I used to have sleep apnea, but I had gastric bypass surgery and lost 100 pounds, and it (along with diabetes, and GERD) went away. If you’re overweight, I would suggest working on that. CPAP treats the symptom. What you need is a cure.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/25 04:48 PM
3

First, don’t look at it as “all or nothing.” Just because you’ve had a few failures, doesn’t mean you’re better off being single “for the rest of your life.” Second, wining and dining is unnecessary. I learned early in life the cost of the date meant nothing to whether it would lead somewhere. I’ve taken more emotional hits from dating than financial hits. My MO was to meet for a coffee or cocktail for a first date. If there’s chemistry, second date was me cooking dinner at my place.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/25 06:27 PM
2

Anyone who says they hate you can’t love you.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/25 08:29 AM
7

Don’t concern yourself with what version of her you got vs the versions others may get. Concern yourself with being the best version of you and sharpening your picker for your next one.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 07:37 AM
1

CS is a set amount and what she spends it on is none of your business. Maybe 50/50 on medical expenses. That’s it
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/25 06:15 AM
5

What, and scare women away from reporting actual crimes? That’s the narrative, so I don’t think this is even a remote possibility
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 07:14 AM
1

Kids these days… Same, btw
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/25 05:17 AM
3

I didn’t get a chance to say, imo, my kids were better off not seeing the daily tension between my ex and I. Not necessarily better to “stay for the kids.”
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/25 12:42 AM
3

I can relate to OP. Married 20 years with two kids and I felt trapped financially… cheaper to keep her. Well, after drinking to oblivion stopped working to numb me, I finally decided it was worth the risk of being broke and alone. I’m neither. I set myself free and my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/25 10:10 PM
2

Apparently it's been a while since I did it; just looked at the original list. The numbers were 50 to start, down to 5: 1) Genuine Burning Desire 2) Kind 3) Confident 4) Honest 5) Reliable
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/25 01:50 PM
3

I was pretty checked out the last couple of years before filing to end my 20 year marriage. I thought I was ready to start dating about 5 months after filing. Not only was my divorce in process, but I was also newly sober. Much to my surprise, the women I connected with viewed my marital status as a much bigger red flag than that I was a newly sober alcoholic. I went on several dates and really connected with two. The first one was only about 3 months. I ended it for reasons I didn’t fully under…
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/25 06:51 PM
5

Age? Custody agreement? How are you as co-parents? My kids are in CA. My California exit happened only 2 months before my youngest turned 18. Before I moved I had the proverbial every-other-weekend, plus Tuesdays for dinner. I did all the driving for any visitation, and for me it was 20-25 minutes, each way. Not fun, but not bad. I considered moving further away at one point but decided against it. A friend of mine has a boy under 10yo and his mom and school is 45m commute each way and he’s look…
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/25 05:23 PM
1

I found this website to be very helpful in researching locations when I began considering moving out of California. It comes down to what’s important to you. Money is one factor, but even financially, there are often trade-offs. For example, I think TX may have no state income tax, but it’s also known for high property taxes. Are your political leanings important? GA will be more blue than FL or TX. You don’t mention children, yet this is a men’s divorce sub… can’t help you there.
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/25 05:09 PM
24

I was in the same boat: $2k/mo cs + $1k/mo ss. After support, rent, utilities and debt payments left, I had $200/mo left for gas and groceries. My attorney told me “don’t miss a payment to her, no matter what. Get a second job if you have to.” I asked, “wont she just take half of that too?” He said, “technically she could - or she can try, but a judge wouldn’t look at her too fondly, and is unlikely to award it.” My ex wasn’t working. Still isn’t, best to my knowledge. So that’s what I did. I ho…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/25 07:52 AM
2

I've heard couples therapy described as "last exit before toll."
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/25 04:43 PM
2

If you haven’t gone down the road yet, you can try to communicate or have counseling over it, but at best it will be a process. Progress, not perfection. My ex confessed about 4-5 years post divorce, after having had her first therapy session, that she had been unconsciously testing me, expecting me to fail at every turn. I never stood a chance of success in these tests. She apologized. It was like a Christmas Miracle, lol - very affirming. I wasn’t perfect in my marriage. I was short tempered a…
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/25 04:12 PM
2

OP is not even referring to infidelity. That’s its own reason to leave.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/25 03:29 PM
8

Me. I was married for 20 years and looking back, I feel like I was never appreciated and nothing was ever done to her liking. Just a couple examples. Driving? I either didn’t take the right route, didn’t stop gradually enough or even wasn’t centered in the lane (intentionally to give me more space on the other side for some obstacle). I can’t tell you how many times I either threatened or actually pulled over to have her take over driving - she never did. Cleaning? Nothing was ever clean enough.…
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/25 02:52 PM
2

I’d be surprised if her alcoholism will be any factor in some judge dividing your assets. Your best hope would be for her to agree to something, but that seems unlikely. There’s an old joke: Do you know why divorce is so expensive? Because it’s worth it. Your peace of mind is worth more than any assets.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 09:56 PM
1

I’ve always been partial to “vaginamony;” payments for past use of a vagina 😂
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 06:59 PM
4

Spousal Support
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 04:04 PM
7

I was on pretty decent terms. That was until I suggested SS should come to an end. After two non-responses - the first verbal, the second over text, I filed with the court and was able to end SS (after 6 years). Haven’t heard a peep from her since. Not even about our adult sons. Shocker.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 03:14 PM
1

Not even on my 25
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 12:29 AM
2

I can sorta relate. A few months ago I had opened a discussion with my ex about ending SS. I was going to offer to pay 100% for 6 more moths, then reduce to 50% for 6? more moths before going to $0. She shut it down. Tried to bring it up a couple more times over the next couple months before I had my attorney just serve her. She went ballistic. She began to berate me and when she attacked my character as a father I hung up. Nearly blocked her completely but settled for silencing. It took her a w…
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/24 08:36 PM
1

Men do what they must.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/24 03:12 AM
7

I was advised, when I started dating, to write down 25 qualities I wanted in a woman. Could be anything from “they can cook” to enormous rack. Sounds easy, but you’d be surprised how many synonyms you start to come up with around #20, lol. A few days later, take that list of 25 down to 15. Days later 15 to 10, 10 to 5 then finally down to 3. Those three are you deal-breakers
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/24 03:14 PM
5

Making your child homeless is a separate custody issue you should discuss with your attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/24 06:43 PM
3

Early on, u had the perception that my non-working ex was spending “my” money on shoes, clothes, beauty products, etc on herself and not on our kids. Then I came to realize I had no control or say in how she decided to spend, and that acceptance brought me immense peace. Regardless if your STBXW’s circumstances, how she spends any support is neither within your control, nor any of your business. The extent of your concern is if this directly affects you or (not mentioned either way) your child(r…
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/24 05:56 PM
2

Assuming you, like most men, pay CS, SS or both, you can probably get a reduction in that support, regardless of this clause. The clause probably gives you more leverage in said reduction. I would ask my attorney about it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/24 02:41 PM
2

I shot a USPSA match once. It was okay… could have just been the group, but I got the sense that they didn’t give a crap I was new (not inclusive and I was totally in my own to figure out the process/procedures and rules) and didn’t have the same emphasis on safety. The IDPA group I started with were much more invested in making sure a new shooter knew his ass from his elbow.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 07:41 PM
3

Love IDPA
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 04:06 AM
8

In my early 20’s, I wanted to buy a pistol but I was too poor. Later while I was married and could afford it, she said “no.” Guess what I got within a month of filing? When she found out, she said, “you know… the first person they suspect is the husband.” I thought, “I know. Why would I spend $500 on a gun when there’s a perfectly good hammer in the garage?” But what I said was, “oh, I know.” And that was the end of the conversation
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 12:30 AM
1

Quick Google listing traits, self-importance, for example, were probably recognized in early courtship as desirable masculine qualities.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 12:24 AM
3

Don’t forget, it’s a long game with the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/24 06:29 PM
2

Check out a book “No More Mr. Nice Guy.” For me, while some of it didn’t really hit the mark, there was enough good, tangible information that I really connected with.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/24 03:32 PM
3

In the last 6 months I came to realize two things, interrelated. 1) I have an “anxious insecure” attachment style 2) I have almost no tolerance for being alone A couple years ago a friend observed that I’m a “serial monogamist.” I tend to get into relationships and probably stay in them longer than I should, and this stems from 1 & 2 above. I started seeing a therapist about a month ago and I’m digging to the roots of what’s driving these tendencies and desperately looking to learn to cope bette…
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/24 03:25 PM
3

I’m an alcoholic in recovery and have found that the “program” of the 12-steps has made me a MUCH better man. Responders so far have snatched the low-hanging fruit of fitness. Next level? Take a “personal inventory” (Step 4 from AA). You don’t have to be an alcoholic to do this. It’s a matter of self-investigation, identifying your fears, resentments, sex conduct and where you have caused harm to others. Be searching, fearless and thorough in this endeavor and I’m sure you will discover areas of…
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/24 03:11 PM
8

Simple google search confirms your suspicions: “According to most sources, around 80% of separations end in divorce; meaning that only about 20% of couples who separate eventually reconcile and remain married. ” The better question is, what do you want?
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 11:24 PM
3

My $0.02 is to do what you think is right, considering how you would feel if your ex were doing the same. Also, do not put the kids in a position to lie to their mother. Ever. Last year my ex specifically told our 18 and 20yo not to tell me they spent thanksgiving at her bf’s family’s place, so when I conversationally asked how their thanksgiving was (I live in TN, and they in CA), they got all cagey and uncomfortable, and their answer made no sense. It finally came out and I was pretty mad at h…
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 07:17 AM
2

Sorry, man. Keep in mind, it’s a LONG game - particularly with your young kids. Look past your immediate plight and do what’s right for you first, then your kids. Her convenience is your absolute last concern. I say you before kids because you’re no good to them if you’re no good to yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 04:04 PM
3

She can CLAIM you drink all the time and doesn’t trust you around the kids, but if what you say is true, she can’t prove it. Don’t give up 50/50 if that’s something that’s important to you. Don’t let her financial leverage intimidate you.
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 07:21 AM
2

Think long and hard about what’s important to you. I had just gotten sober when I filed and didn’t think I’d prevail with asking for 50/50 custody, and figured I’d go after more time after I had at least a year sober. When I did, the mediator went with the ol’ “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” Status quo was held and I missed out on the opportunity to be a better influence on my boys. Yes, it can be done without an attorney. No I don’t recommend it. My question is, why does SHE have the money t…
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 07:15 AM
5

I’m an alcoholic. While I do not suggest you or anyone else is one too, I’ve come to believe that AA is more about living life on life’s terms, than simply not-drinking. This to say, I learned a concept via AA that “acceptance is the key to my serenity.” The serenity prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. That doesn’t mean accept things no matter what, out of hand. Maybe I accept thing…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 02:49 PM
1

If you have a child together, then maybe go so she can pretend to save face this one last time… coparenting is a long game. No kids. I wouldn’t even consider it. Not your problem, as you mentioned.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 05:04 AM
2

Welcome to Family Law
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/24 04:02 AM
2

Idk if that’s supposed to be a jab or what. Like most men, I was stuck with Every Other Weekend. I had them EOW, and every Tuesday 3-8:00 for dinner. I saw them literally as much as I was allowed by the Great State of California. Again, you do what you need to do.
/r/Divorce_Men10/11/24 03:15 AM
10

When my divorce was finalized, I was ordered to pay $600 more per month in SS/CS than I had budgeted. My attorney was clear: whatever you do, pay her. Basically, on paper, I had $200/month left for gas and groceries left over after paying rent, utilities and debt. My atty suggested getting a second job. I asked him, can’t she just come take half of that too? He said she could try, but judges would probably look down on that. So that’s what I did. I picked up a job hosting karaoke 3-5 nights a we…
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/24 10:14 PM
3

Nobody “wins” in divorce. Nobody
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/24 10:32 PM
1

Add to this, ask that new attorney of yours about the health care and specifically about giving her any money. One thing I did right was establish a separate checking account and cut her off from direct access to my income. The thing I did not do right was I established giving her money to live on before I was orders to do so: In her response to divorce petition, she of course asked for support. I was ordered to pay support effective the day of her response. So, say I paid her $1,000/mo starting…
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/24 08:05 PM
5

Kids see more than we think - at any age. Be mindful of what behavior you want to model which children will invariably adopt as normal.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/24 08:05 PM
3

My ex was dead-set that porn was nearly as bad as cheating. Early on it was a little softer-approach: “if you need porn, it means I’m not enough for you.” Well, she wasn’t. Having gone from every night we were together (before moving in together) to less frequent (maybe weekly) after moving in together, then more like biweekly or even monthly after we got married, then less-frequently still after the first kid came. You get the idea… suffice it to say, her measly sexual (un)availability absolute…
/r/Divorce_Men31/10/24 07:21 PM
7

Dude... good on you for reaching out. I can kinda relate. I don't think I'm in the place of feeling unlovable, but I definitely have a feeling of loneliness. 15mo ago I moved from CA to TN. The only family I have are my two adult sons who are still in CA and have always sort of just been in their own (mostly virtual) world, so I'm not even in good contact with them. I talk to my oldest (21) here and there, but I think I've only talked to my younger boy (19) twice since they were here in December…
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/24 06:13 PM
6

I have to concur with OP. I’m listing to this book now with about 2.5 hours to go. I wouldn’t say I necessarily agree with 100% of the content so far but there’s a LOT there for me to process and reflect on. I’m actually struggling now to find my tribe. I know WHAT to do and WHY, and I’m working on it; I’m in AA and I make a lot of calls to other men in my home group week over week, but I rarely connect or get a callback. I’ve been living in a new town near Nashville for about 15mo. The only fam…
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 05:00 PM
1

This one comes up in auto-fills searching Audible and Amazon, but not the actual book
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 04:50 PM
4

I hate to say this, but I think you’re contradicting yourself. First you say you don’t want a provider, but then go on to say you want a protector. That’s like saying “I don’t want vanilla ice cream but I do want chocolate ice cream,” while ignoring that they’re both ice cream. If you want protection, you can get a dog, a security system and maybe a firearm. Take Ju Jitsu. Think about your motivations. Do they align with his? Sounds to me you want him for something you cannot (or will not, more …
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 03:01 PM
9

Generally speaking, there really are no compelling secular reasons for a man to get married. Most “benefits” normally associated with marriage are either achievable without a legal contract with the State (marriage), such as a deep commitment, having children or even buying a home together, or the risk (of her divorcing you and taking half your stuff) doesn’t outweigh the measly financial benefits (lower taxes or insurance) available. What’s in it for most men? Hell, what’s in it for you? What i…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 02:20 PM
2

Most here have commented that it’s a mental game. It is, but I wouldn’t say it’s 100% chance of that. I had been taking Paxil (an antidepressant) to last longer, and it was effective for that purpose. Over time though, my libido was like a frog in a pot of water slowly coming to a boil; libido was fine at first, but after 2 years, I was far less interested in sex, and worse, when I was interested, I sometimes struggled to maintain an erection. When I decided to forego the Paxil, my libido return…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 01:39 PM
6

I mean, I looked at it this way: I HOPED she would quickly remarry so I could get off the hook for spousal support. Sadly, she was too smart for that; no need to stop that revenue stream. If she could be happy just long enough for that to happen, that would be okay, right? 😁
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/24 01:19 PM
4

My 20th anniversary passed about a month before my divorce was final. As I recall, it was jokingly acknowledged by both of us. I probably wished her a happy birthday or Mother’s Day here and there, but it was never a priority, and definitely not consistent. If she had wished me a HBD or Father’s Day, ever, I may have made it more of a point to reciprocate. I don’t hate her. I still care for her wellbeing. We’re both flawed humans. Follow your heart. Do unto others. Whatever.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/24 03:11 PM
2

Here’s the mind fk though: we’re highly motivated by fear. Source: politicians and mainstream media. If we’re so motivated by fear, why are so so eager to forget the bad? 🤦‍♂️
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 10:42 PM
0

My point exactly!
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 07:15 PM
2

I think my best advice, without knowing any details: 1) Find your tribe. If you don't already have a social circle, find one. Try to cultivate close relationships with other men that you like, respect and trust, and don't be afraid to be vulnerable with them. 2) I'm an alcoholic in recovery in the AA program, and for me AA is more about living life on life's terms than it is about not-drinking, if that makes sense. I'm not at all religious, but the Serenity Prayer: "God, grant me the serenity to…
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 05:53 PM
8

It’s funny some of the tricks our brains play on us sometimes. At one point I was having a decent post-divorce relationship with my ex. During a time of loneliness (not solitude) I would wonder if I’d made the right decision, but it would pass. Then the first time we had dinner together with the kids after my oldest graduated high school… about 20 minutes in, I remember thinking, “and THAT’S why we’re divorced. My bran had, convenient, forgotten the nagging, nitpicking I hated so much. Remember …
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 04:28 PM
2

First of all, keep in mind, it doesn't really matter what you do for a first date, be it coffee, drinks, lunch or dinner at a fancy restaurant; if she's into you (and you her), the venue doesn't matter. No amount of lobster is going to tilt the scales. There either is a connection, chemistry, whatever you want to call it, or there isn't. I obviously didn't ask all for a second date. Of the ones that I did ask, maybe half accepted, and of the ones who accepted, probably 2/3 were eager to see a ma…
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 01:01 PM
1

First date was usually coffee or drinks, and second date I invited them over for dinner with a high conversion rate on that second date.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 07:00 AM
2

It sounds like you may be possibly in a position most women end up in; your wife was the breadwinner and you’ve become accustomed to a certain standard of living. This may translate into you deservingly receiving spousal support or some equitable “buy-out” in lieu of SS. Some women just walk away from that which (the State says) they’re entitled to, but that’s more the exception and not the rule. Fortunately for you, you don’t have to guess whether or not you’re getting screwed, or otherwise rel…
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 03:16 PM
2

I hate to see people going through this. I don’t have a lot of answers for you, but rather some general statements: You’re 6 days in. You have more to get through (CA was 6 month minimum between filing and finalizing). A lot can and probably will get the better of your emotional state before you have a final judgement, and probably longer - particularly if you have children. Nobody “wins” in divorce. If you both legitimately feel screwed, maybe you got it right. Pick your battles. Figure out wha…
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 02:35 PM
3

You’ll get there. I’d say to your last comment about her not letting you forget, you’re giving her too much power and attention. The only thing you need to discuss is the kids. Maybe a business if you share one, but less likely. I’ve been divorced over 6 years, and in that time, my ex has been “unable” to even get an interview at Starbucks. Long story short, I served her papers this year to end spousal support, and she spewed some venom at me the day she got served. First it was not bad… “what a…
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/24 06:35 AM
2

Others here have already given you a lot of good, sage advice on getting therapy and even if some of the things your ex said are or were true, you’re capable of redefining yourself. If they’re not true, no sense in letting them take up space in your head. By the way: all that stuff your ex said was malicious. Words used as weapons with the intent to hurt you. And they have hurt you, very deeply. Think about her intent while you consider the validity of her words. I’m here to say, sadly, while it…
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/24 06:16 AM
5

Never surprised, but always amazed
/r/Divorce_Men19/09/24 06:18 PM
2

I was raised that a car and driving is a privilege and not a right. Doesn’t sound like daughter has skin in the game. Idk - her participation is not mentioned. Kids don’t appreciate something they haven’t worked for. As to the ex… she has every right to say no to helping to pay, as does OP. If it’s something you want to do, do it. If you can only afford your portion, maybe it’s a less expensive car, or better, daughter contributes. At one point, my ex wanted to get our kids new phones and asked …
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 04:07 PM
5

I’m currently dating a woman (38) who early on made a conscious decision she never wanted children and actively took measures to not have children. She also does not have any tattoos and no piercings besides single piercings on her earlobes. Incredibly rare 🦄
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 12:55 PM
2

Al-anon.org Not my ex-wife, but later lived with an alcoholic. As an alcoholic myself the solution seemed simple but as simple as it was, it proved impossible. I struggled incredibly, and even with my own AA program and sponsor, I was not equipped to deal with a loved one who was the problem drinker. Al-Anon helped me understand and manage myself. All the Steps in both programs are exactly the same, and Step 1 is admitting you are powerless over alcohol and that your life had become unmanageable…
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 01:40 PM
7

When a tornado hits, it’s great when the wind stops blowing, but there’s still plenty of cleanup work to do. Noting gets back to normal over night. It takes time and work. If it doesn’t come naturally, it must come out of necessity. One simply cannot sustain living in misery, perpetually. If you’re that bad, you may want to seek professional therapy. Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans. Sounds like you need to learn how to live a different life and live differently. Do the w…
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/24 06:01 PM
14

The solution seems self-evident. Kids pick up the poop. Frankly, kids (generally) don’t do enough chores these days. “Everyone has their responsibilities to maintain this house. Everyone contributes. Bathrooms don’t clean themselves. Dog poop doesn’t disappear. Food doesn’t magically appear in the fridge.” The kids can’t contribute to groceries or utilities, but they can help with basic chores.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/24 05:48 PM
8

Sadly, it’s just another chapter closed in the book. Another 5y minimum co-parenting, and if you’re truly in the same ranks as the majority here, paying CS and SS. My CS ended one year ago and my SS officially ends tomorrow (made my last payment last month). Short of life events with the kids like college graduation or weddings, I’m pretty much done interacting with her.
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/24 03:00 PM
3

I would highly recommend looking into Al-Anon. No one can diagnose her as an alcoholic but her, however Al-Anon will give you some perspective on how you can deal with her problem drinking. The first Step in both AA and Al-Anon are exactly the same: “admitted that we are powerless over alcohol.” For you, this means you cannot control what she does or does not do, whether that’s drinking, working or how she spends money. What you CAN control is you. You may need to establish boundaries for yourse…
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 10:13 PM
4

I’ve been sober and divorced over 6 years. I sometimes have dreams that entail some element of drinking. Not often, but from time to time. Dreams where my ex is in it? Not once 👍🏻
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 09:41 PM
1

I bet the lack of sex is a significant component too.
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 12:10 AM
3

I can totally relate to having a short temper. When I was younger and early in my (now defunct) marriage, I was short and curt. I snapped at my wife constantly. I was nearly 18yo when my brother was born, so needless to say, we didn’t grow up together and were never close. One day I saw - REALLY SAW - how my mom and my brother spoke to each other and let me tell you, it was ugly. Worse, I realized it’s exactly how I spoke to “the woman I loved.” It was a hard habit to break, and frankly didn’t r…
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 12:09 AM
-3

Unless you’re working an hourly job, there’s no such thing as equal pay for equal work. You and I (I assume you’re a man too) could have the same position at the same company outputting the same work product, but if when the company offered us both the same job at the same time for the same starting salary, I accepted the initial offer and you countered for $5k more and employer accepted your counter, you’d make more pay for the same work and job. Men are statistically more likely to negotiate h…
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 05:26 PM
9

I would never advise a young man to get married - there is much higher risk to a man’s future financial commitment than to a woman. It’s like gambling in Vegas -,it would be nice to win, but it’s foolish to think of it in terms other than paying for entertainment. Having said that, speaking from my own experience, it CAN motivate a man to do better than he may otherwise do on his own. Before I got married I was in a meaningless job with no plan for my future. Not long after getting married I wen…
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 03:58 PM
2

I take this analogy a step further: 1) It’s generally accepted that men make more money than women (gender pay gap) 2) it’s generally accepted that 50% of marriages (probably more) end in divorce 3) When a marriage ends, generally the partner who makes more money is forced to pay money to maintain the same level of financial stability they enjoyed while being married. 1+2+3= men are more likely to be ordered to pay money to women after the dissolution of the marriage
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 03:48 PM
1

IMO, counseling is “last exit before toll.”
/r/Divorce_Men19/08/24 06:19 AM
2

My oldest was already over 18. Youngest had just turned 17 when I got the job offer that included relocation, and the job was willing to wait up to a year for me to make the move. Youngest was only 2mo shy of 18 when I moved out of CA, so custody was pretty much a non-issue. I spent a lot of extra time with them before I left CA - I think they stayed with me full time the last couple months before I moved.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/24 04:46 PM
19

TL;DR: there’s an old joke: Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it! I was in a similar situation. I began a feeble, poorly planned exit from my marriage at about 9.5 years, understanding that California family law has me paying spousal support “for life” once I passed 10 years. I got talked out of it and things were okay for a couple of years but by year-18, I was miserable and felt stuck. I’d made my bed and life was “over,” and I became a daily drinker to numb the pain. I finally g…
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 09:06 PM
1

If your marriage is in such condition that the wife getting a job (assuming she doesn’t already have one) is such a risk, I’d say batter that she get the job - less support to pay.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/24 01:30 AM
7

I can’t speak to what to do before/after things are finalized. What I can tell you is that when my divorce was finalized, I was ordered to pay $600 more per month than I was budgeted for. I was left with about $200/mo left in my budget for gas and groceries (in California). She did not (still to this day, 6.5y later) work. I asked my attorney what I’m supposed to do. He told me <sic> “no matter what you do, make sure you pay CS and SS,” and suggested getting a second job. I asked, won’t she just…
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/24 01:06 AM
2

When I first filed for divorce, I also asked for 50/50 custody. She said, “not gonna happen.” When I asked why not, she said, “because you’re an alcoholic and I don’t think you’ll stay sober.” I was only about 60 days sober when I filed. I thought, I don’t have enough sober time to argue the point, so I thought I’d revisit increasing up to 50/50 once I had a year under my belt. I didn’t go after it until I had about 2 years sober and I was in a better living situation for the kids (place where t…
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 08:29 PM
8

Status quo is hard to circumvent
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 04:11 PM
15

There’s nothing in it for a man to get married Marriage as an institution exists to propel capitalism. Marriage = children = future tax revenue. That $2,000 deduction you get per year is a SMALL investment compared to the long-term return on that investment.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 04:37 AM
2

Not here but in person: “No” is a complete sentence
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 04:24 AM
34

When you roll the garbage can down to the curb, do you ever feel compelled to bring some of what’s in it back into your home?
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 01:20 AM
2

20 red flags from Rich Cooper
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 03:26 AM
3

I “celebrated” my 20th anniversary less than a month before the divorce was finalized. Even without kids, you have got to stay pleasant and at least appear agreeable. “No” is a complete sentence. I quickly discovered there would be no argument won. Heck, my sponsor told me - and he’s right - there are no winners in divorce. If you have kids, you have a long road ahead. Even grown children will pull her into your orbit. Never speak a disparaging word about her to them. They’ll figure out what the…
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 02:52 AM
2

Acceptance was the key to my serenity. Keep your side of the street clean.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 05:21 PM
3

I’m not normally so negative. The upside is you’re young. You have plenty of time to get it right. Learn the hard lessons and do better. Chase excellence, not women.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 06:35 AM
4

I can’t believe nobody has addressed this: “Me and my gf does not have the best relationship. And we both agreed that it’s because of her lack of empathy while I’m still going through the grieving process of my divorce.” Dude!! What the hell are you doing dating ANYONE right now?!? What good is a man, grieving the loss of one relationship, to a new relationship? No good, at all. You shouldn’t be dating anyone, let alone have a gf, much less living with her AND “giving her a baby because she want…
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 06:30 AM
1

I’m an alcoholic, though not very spiritual. In the AA book, Came To Believe, there’s a short story called “From Loneliness to Solitude” that I really connected with. Check it out… page 175 of this PDF. Don’t worry about the drinking or the God context, but focus on loving yourself and embracing the solitude. From Loneliness to Solitude
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 12:02 AM
3

Sorry you're going through this. Keep in mind that it's quite possible that the elimination/minimization may be for the best, for both of you. I recently broke up with a gf and the very last thing I wanted to do was to give her false hope that we could reconcile. While it seemed cruel on its surface, it was for the longer-term good. Another way to look at it is it's keeping emotions in check; nobody's getting into a heated argument at the drop of a hat. Lots of factors here left out, so with min…
/r/Divorce_Men17/07/24 01:14 PM
4

My best advice is to think about the long game. People say life is short, but life is the longest thing you will ever do. At 47yo I thought I was stuck - cheaper to keep ‘er - and there was nothing left to do but ride out the suffering. Married 20y I thought I was going to have to pay vaginamony forever. 6 years later, my life is rebuilt and it’s awesome! I MAY have an end-date for SS in another 30d (wish me luck!) but even if I still have to pay… there’s an old joke: Do you know why divorce is …
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/24 07:41 PM
12

In my early 20’s, I wanted to buy a pistol but couldn’t afford it. When I was married and could afford it, pistol was a hard “no.” I bought my first pistol about a month after I filed. She found out about it a month later. She said, “you know the first person they suspect is the husband?” I said, “I know that.” The rest of the response was not spoken: “Why would I spend $500 on a gun when there’s a perfectly good hammer in the garage?” Short answer: new hobby of shooting sports!
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 12:06 PM
4

Idk where I got it from exactly - Disney fairy tales perhaps? - but I just thought you were supposed to grow up, find a girl, get married have kids, be a good provider and live happily ever after. My ex was a SAHM, to boot. Isn’t that how the story is supposed to go? That’s how it goes in the movies. Look, I think you’re in a good path - understanding that even though it’s not what you wanted, you ARE happier without her “dragging” you down every day. Acceptance is the key. The truth is, life is…
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/24 02:01 PM
2

“… boundaries are unrealistic and nobody will go for them.” There’s a wrench for every nut. That was a manipulative statement.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/24 01:11 PM
2

Yes, CS ended when my youngest turned 18 in September. She has not worked since my oldest was about 6mo old. Before she quit to be a SAHM, she made just as much $ as me as a program manager at a major utility company. Long story short, it became clear she had no desire to ever return to work when the kids were 10-ish. My atty says Family Code 4322 will apply. I looked it up - there’s not much to it from what I found, but it’s not ambiguous either; this clearly applies in my case.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/24 01:04 PM
2

Undetermined. There was no end date specified in my judgment; only a “Gavron Warning,” which states she should make “reasonable effort to become self supporting in a reasonable amount of time.” My CS ended in September and in CA she had 6mo to file a “change of circumstance” which she did not do. I just filed this week to end spousal support, and my atty says we have a strong case. She’ll be served early next week and hearing date in about 30 days. Wish me luck!
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 06:31 PM
2

After I missed my opportunity to divorce at about 9.5y, I stayed in, miserably, for 10 more years. I was stuck in the “cheaper to keep her” mentality. Meanwhile, I turned to alcohol to numb my pain, and became a daily drinker, drinking about 2.5 handles per week. People say “life is short,” but life is the longest thing you’ll ever do. You need to ask yourself, “is this how I want to live my life for the next 20-30 years?” For me, the answer was “no,” and I’ve been divorced nearly 6 years now. I…
/r/Divorce_Men04/07/24 01:48 PM
3

Joe Friday. Just the facts!
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/24 02:09 AM
2

What little you have here (possible emotional affaire and she initiated) idk what you would have to feel guilt/shame, exactly. Could you have been better? Maybe. Some things you may never get any answers on, and frankly “closure” as a concept might seem like it would wrap things up in a pretty little bow, but I think it’s a misnomer. I recently broke things off with a woman I can only describe positively in terms of honesty, loyalty, fidelity, openness and met my every sexual need. One thing I o…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 10:36 PM
2

I would emphasize his comment on talking to trusted friends. Reddit is not counted among your trusted friends. A man needs his tribe. I have men I talk to on a weekly, if not daily basis. Talk is about anything and everything- not just limited to the relationship stuff I’m going through. Might be politics, sports, or even that hot chick I saw at the grocery store. I’d also recommend having something to look forward to. Next week, next month, whatever. Going to a ballgame, that weekend getaway, w…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 03:35 PM
1

As a sober (6+years) alcoholic, I can tell you from experience that alcohol will NEVER solve your problems; it just makes you not care about them. If I have 10 problems today and I drink, all 10 of those problems will still be there tomorrow. If I'm lucky. If I'm not lucky, I'll have more (driving, missing work, saying something to someone I shouldn't or don't mean - you get the idea). It gets better, but you have to do your part by being intentional about who you surround yourself with, and wha…
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 12:44 PM
2

I’m a little “cart before the horse.” I drank heavily, daily, as a means to escape my feelings of despair in my marriage, and when I got sick and tired of being tired, I went to rehab and got sober. While in rehab, talking in groups, going to AA meetings and talking to a counselor a couple times a week, I came to realize the level of resentment I had, and understood the direction my life needed to go when I got home. In that moment, I gave my marriage a 50/50 shot, but after zero change in the n…
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/24 12:59 PM
2

If you were like me, it was “death by a thousand concessions.” About 5y after my divorce, my ex told me she’d had her first therapy session and realized that she forced me into concession and she lost respect for me at each concession. It was a cycle she unknowingly created and she totally lost all respect for me. It was gratifying for me when she acknowledged her part. I was culpable too, in other ways, but we were irreparable.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/24 02:58 PM
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