Through my experience, I've found that the ex wife and system as a whole molds us and forces us into a box. I think back about divorced men I knew before my own divorce in years prior whose ex wives said "they didn't care for their kids" or "aren't part of their lives" and I remember how I judged those men harshly.

Now, my own ex says the same about me, as she drops off the kids at daycare or with babysitters and galavants around the city with other men.

It's not true. The system robs us financially and robs us of our children.

This is a long post. I made it through the divorce, but I want to share with others how this stuff actually goes down.

Here's what happened:

I was married ten years. 3 young kids upon divorce. I work a demanding job that kept me away from the house a lot. I was basically killing myself but I told myself I was doing it for my family and that I gave the kids a peaceful happy life with their mother at home. She worked part time and also made great money herself.

The divorce wasn't all her fault. It was both of ours... But that's not the point of this post. I did try to save the marriage though but she wasn't having it.

Originally I set out to have my kids 7 on 7 off with my wife. I thought it was all amicable. I'd get the mystical joint custody but I'd still have to pay child support. Worth it right? I thought so ..

Because of my income, the lawyers put me at the very top of the child support bracket at base. No reductions for joint custody. Plus 70 percent (because I made more than her) of school, daycare, and in addition 70 percent of all child care expenses SHE incurred while at her job (which is typically nights and weekends and doesn't work with normal daycare ie requires an expensive babysitter).

I get paid twice a month. My monthly child support and school/childcare payment to her is more than the first of the two payments. More than half of my income. I have to save money month to month to make it work until I get to the second pay period on the 15th. This is when I get to finally pay my own bills. So financially, even though I make a great wage, It's crippling. That's just the beginning. If I made less, it'd be even worse like some of our brothers on here.

In order to make the payments, I have to stay at full throttle at my job. I leave before the kids get up and I come home after they are back from school and daycare. I also have unpredictable call outs at night, which means if the children are with me, I need another responsible adult available on a "just in case" basis 24/7 during those periods. It's not conducive to having young children around. This is the plight of the working man.

When we were married, it was okay because she was home with the children most of the time. If she worked on an evening, I'd make sure I was home that night. Also, they would go to daycare during the day and she'd have most of the days to herself.

But when we divorced, my job stayed the same. I was still giving her half of my money (post tax) each month but now, every other week I had my job plus 3 on 1 kids with no support. meanwhile now she gets every other week off and is nowhere to be found.

At first I struggled. I convinced my mother to basically move in with me on the weeks I was taking call and had the children. On one particularly memorable night of the second week, my wife video called "the children" from a poolside bar in Mexico in a bikini with her big (brand new) fake tits nearly coming out of her top. Later that night, I got called in to work and my mother stayed with the kids. My brain was melting.

This is just an example. There are numerous other logistical struggles and unfair situations. Too many to list. Similar to everyone else here. It didn't work. I had a nanny I tried to set up who then flaked and it fell back to my mother. It was a disaster. Meanwhile, my stbxw was at home at her house relaxing, not 10 miles away.

Also... they say it's joint custody but It's really fake joint custody. Because I may have 50/50 visitation but she retained all decision making rights in every area.

At some point, I learned she had taken a new full time job offer in an area about an hour away from where we lived. The divorce was still going and I tried to fight for the right to decide where they would go to school so I could keep them somewhat nearby. Didn't succeed. I can't move to that new area due to my work. I called her and begged her to be reasonable. I explained that I wouldn't be able to get them back and forth to school and that on my end I had paid everything I said I'd pay and that I was being backed into a corner. She let me know "you'll never make ANY decisions that control any part of my life, like where I live or where I have to take the children to school". I was defeated.

The situation with my mom started to fall apart, and I couldn't find a babysitter for essentially 24 hour coverage. Finally, after talking it over with my lawyer, a therapist, my parents, and it any of my friends who would listen... I chose to forfeit having the children on weekdays while I worked.

Originally I thought I'd take them every weekend. But with my job, sometimes I work on the weekends. My wife and her lawyer began their quest to erode that as well. In one iteration of the settlement documents, a few statements started to appear discussing how if I didn't exercise my visitation at a particular time that I was not fulfilling my end of the agreement and would be additionally liable for any childcare coverage costs of my wife for that time and possibly a change in custody.

I called my wife and told her "you KNOW I won't be able to make every weekend, you snuck that in there to trap me". She replied with: "I know you will eventually fail your children and when you do, you are going to pay financially".

I discussed this all with my lawyer who, after admonishing me for calling my stbxw, finally told me to give up on every weekend and just go for every other weekend. With that, I know I could actually arrange things such that I'm always totally available for them when I said I would be.

When I hit my wife with that news that I was backing down my visitation, her head basically exploded. "You are a piece of filth. I KNEW you'd eventually ghost your children". She was furious that her weeks off for vacationing were going to come to an end. (They didn't btw, she just has other people watch them during that time now)

Edit: unlike most women who get more money when they have more visitation, I had already been maxed out on payment so there was no financial incentive to her anymore

And this my friends, is how you become a "deadbeat dad". When my kids are with me, I shower them with my love and attention. We camp out, eat popcorn, watch movies, and do all the good stuff.. Nothing so far has ruined our relationship.

But to the world... My saint ex wife is singlehandedly raising three children without any help (except for half of my income) because her POS ex husband is ghosting his kids.

It's a trap. Those"deadbeats" from the beginning of this post, the ones who I judged? They just welcomed me to the club