I'm...very messed up.

alifeofpeace · 2024-11-19T08:22:35+00:00

My ex killed my respect and trust and attraction for her with her constant lies, disrespect and drinking. When it was time to end it, things were very easy to discuss with her. I didn’t experience anything like you did. I went through my own hell nevertheless as she made it so hard for the child custody portion of the case. And then of course the pain of breaking the family I hated that. But time heals all wounds.

Im sorry you are hurting. It sounds very real and very painful what you are going through.

PassengerSweet8571 · 2024-11-16T19:36:29+00:00

I was married for 14 years. My wife decided I was a covert narcissist and started icing me out. She put all of my things in the garage and kicked me out of my own home. She even tried to keep my daughter from me. She was only two years old at the time. I got my heart ripped out, brother. And now, when I see my daughter, she talks about the new guy in her life. This is the most gut wrenching thing in any of us can go through. I don’t know who you are, but I understand this pain and darkness very well. I love you, brother. I’m here to tell you that it does get easier. Your healing will come with God’s grace. You will come to see that the woman you loved is a living nightmare. She’s not worth you torturing yourself.

Jerifus · 2024-11-14T23:21:28+00:00

This is exactly how i feel right now i was told yesterday its over and she had been not in love with me for years......

stupididiot78 · 2024-11-14T06:19:02+00:00

First of all, you're not the only man to feel this way. I know I've thought about killing myself too but I haven't. You aren't going to either.

First of all, don't try to understand or make sense of this. You'll never get an answer that makes sense or makes you feel better. It's just not going to happen.

Here it is. Your wife, the woman you married and made a family with, is gone. She's dead and she's been replaced with someone who would make your wife sick. That woman that some guy is doing all that stuff with is not your wife. He's doing that stuff with someone who would treat her husband and family that way. He's going to end up even worse than you are because he thinks he's building something with a woman like that. Only a fucking moron piece of shit of a human being would do that. Those two deserve whatever hell they get.

She's going to get hell too. She'll never have that man who loved her enough to make a family with her. That's a hole she'll never be able to fill.

So what do you do now? You stop worrying about her and her well-being. You focus on rebuilding however you can. Your focus is on your kids and on you because she sure as hell isn't worried about you and somebody needs to watch out for you.

It's hard as hell. It sucks and it's not fair. It doesn't matter. You are where you are now so you look forward and towards making a née life the best you can. I know all this stuff is easy to say and believe now. It's not so easy when you're lying awake in bed at 3 am and can't sleep. That's OK. Find something to wear you out during the day. Exercise. Work. Anything. You want to go to bed so exhausted that you can't stay awake even if you want to.

Lastly, this really sucks. I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm glad to have met you but I hate to have met you like this. Just focus on getting through one day, one hour, or even just one minute.

I don't know you but I love you.

Edd2323 · 2024-11-14T05:23:21+00:00

man the fuck up!! you are a man! act like one! get it through your head she is who she has showed you she is through her actions! go get in the gym! tire your body so your mind can rest! you are free! go out there and remake yourself!!! you don’t need her! stop dwelling on the past!

Aceking1983 · 2024-11-14T02:18:19+00:00

I'm just gonna keep it short and sweet. Hit the gym and lift weights or hit the pavement and start running. Have any hobbies you could never do, do them now. Read, reflect, and become the best version of yourself. Then, when the time is right and you feel up to it, go bang some bitches!

MonarchistExtreme · 2024-11-13T20:48:44+00:00

" That was my wife. My best friend. The mom of my kids. The person I shared everything with. My whole world. Now someone else is kissing her, making her laugh and smile, all like I never even existed"

Incorrect. That was the role she played during your marriage. That woman you see now, that's actually her.

There is no closure...answers just cause more pain. Stop seeking relief. There is none to be found. You must endure and grow numb to the pain. It took me a couple of years to feel whole again. The hardest part to accept is the woman I had all those fond memories with was a mirage. Once you stop seeking relief (and secretly hoping this perfect woman returns) you will start to see that there were signs all along that the love in your heart papered over.

You are the in early days of this. The best thing you can do is not speak to her unless absolutely necessary. Be the world's greatest father and win your children's heart. You don't want them to grow up like her do you? Be the better parent by obvious example, never attempt slander. It was hard the six months I was separated from my kid. After he returned, we never discussed his mother. We talked about him, his interests, my hobbies and stuff like that. Eventually he saw his mother as the toxic creature she was and cut contact.

Winning the kids is the only victory conditions left on the table for you. Focus on them, ignore her!

jd385272 · 2024-11-13T20:47:03+00:00

You'll never get closure from her, did she cheat on you?

You should start therapy yesterday brother, best of luck to you!

Dm if you need support from a guy who just settled in mediation last week, and had his freedom back!!

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2024-11-13T18:27:39+00:00

We've all been there mate. That first year is brutal and a complete write off.

What you are feeling is completely normal and healthy.

Not much to do other than cry, smash things, and try to get some calories in.

Letting go won't happen for another 2-3 years but it will happen. Until then you will be a rage monster so my advice is get on gear, take that anger to the gym, and use it to build a nice physique. In 3 years that anger will be gone and you will want to experience life again and lots of other women.....oh shit now you have an amazing bod to do all of that.

Xan-Diesel · 2024-11-13T17:50:35+00:00

Nothing lasts forever - including how you're feeling right now. It doesn't help to know or understand this in the moment but it will help when you embrace it overall.

Substantial-Run3367 · 2024-11-13T15:30:48+00:00

First things first. Please contact someone if you are having suicidal thoughts. You have two children that need you at the very least. Please consider finding a therapist and do you best to be as open and honest with them about your feelings and emotions. I have found that my divorce provided an opportunity to work through an amazing amount of my own stuff and this has allowed me to be a much better father to my son and friend to all of the wonderful people who are in my life. That said three years ago I was isolated, afraid, and very confused about what had happened to what I believed was a relationship with the love of my life.

In the end closure is both an illusion and something that you give yourself. Looking to another person that has told you with her actions that she does not value you anymore for closure and explanations is not likely to bear fruit for a bunch of reasons. Looking to yourself for closure gives you the opportunity to maintain your earlier experience of your relationship regardless of the story your ex-wife need to tell herself. You can love and honor the person you felt you ex-wife was without needing to love the person she chose to become. This will help you with your relationship with your children and will help them with their future relationships.

The other thing I would suggest doing immediately is get an attorney and be forthcoming and honest with them so that they can provide you with the best legal advice for your situation and goals. You should follow their advice as well.

Your friends that are telling you to let go and move on love you but I would add that ignoring how you feel is not moving on at all. You need to be able to deal with the feelings or you will always be reacting to them bubbling up.

This is hard but you will make it through. In the mead time good healthy habits help a lot. I wish I would have been better at that in the beginning.

Try to eat well.
Try to get a good nights sleep.
Try to get some exercise.
Try to spend time with your friends. (Try to save most of your ex-wife stuff for your therapist)
Try to spend time with your kids.

It gets easier over time.

Prize-Temperature578 · 2024-11-13T15:30:24+00:00

It always gets better i love u

Independent_Ant_4344 · 2024-11-13T15:19:55+00:00

You described exactly how I feel and felt. No kids I wish I had at least something to look forward to everyday.

Amazing how well your text resonated with me about the friends who tell you to move on.

I promise you it will get better I do have days I think about her but I know it’s gonna get better!

xjeeperx · 2024-11-13T13:11:49+00:00

Feel the pain, move through it. Better yourself, be there for your kids. Lean into yourself because you’re the only person you will ever have to count on.

regertsrus · 2024-11-13T12:57:15+00:00

Next time you consider offing your self, remember how much you will screw up your kids and anyone else who loves and needs you. It's an easy out. I have contemplated it countless times as I was bouncing around from motel to motel for the first 5 months unable to see my kids on an equal basis. It took a year for the panic and anxiety to fade. The thing that saved me was finding a woman, finding trust and love again and then getting my kids 50/50 in my life again. I have had wins against a compulsive liar and cheater ever since I left. I filed for divorce almost 3 years ago. Sinse then the wife lied countless times in sworn affidavits and order of protection, with CPS and police. All her complaints went nowhere because the judge and child lawyer knows her to be a liar on paper. Currently I am having to make a decision. Sign the custody paperwork for 50/50 custody split with her getting child support due to her being the lower income spouse OR get forensics involved and let them make the decision of who gets more custody. I am leaning with signing and revisiting custody on my own terms in a few years if the kids decide to spend more time here. Right now they are impartial and want 50/50

regertsrus · 2024-11-13T12:33:14+00:00

Hi my twin. Why did you copy my sentiments exactly from 3 years ago?
Now a word of advice. Go find a woman. Go date. Go have sex. Once you have done so for a while, you will lose this connection you claim to still have to your x. If she lied and cheated and manipulated you, then you will grow to despise her. If there was no lying then you may again attempt to reconcile.
Stop the anxiety asap. That can be done by finding trust again. The kids see it. They will feel it. They will like the new you. Come back here when you found a way to move on and enjoy being single or find a new woman. You are very early stages of divorce. What you're feeling is also predictable. So go and be unpredictable. It's fun and interesting. It will get your mind off. Right now it is most important for you to find hope. And the easiest place is either in a church or in another woman.

Character-Change-507 · 2024-11-13T11:54:52+00:00

Word for word this hit hike on every level. I'm so sorry man. I know it fucking hurts. It does get easier but it's hard as hell.

Still-Average9690 · 2024-11-13T11:42:25+00:00

I didn't expect this to get the attention it did. Really overwhelmed with all the positive responses.

Thank you all so much. No one deserves to feel like this. It's too much. The other day she told me she felt okay the idea of having a baby with someone else. I just want my family back. She went through an abortion a couple year ago, and as much as it didn't hit me then, it's really hitting me now. This is definitely the worst feeling in the world. I can't even keep steady thoughts. I wear my wedding band to sleep. I can't deal with these nightmares anymore.

I'll try to respond to these replies throughout the day, I'm just...lost right now. I feel so weak because I can't do simple day to day things. Hell, I can barely even work at this point. It's been 8 months and it feels impossible to move forward without her.

Some_Specialist3174 · 2024-11-13T11:26:24+00:00

Been there before, approximately 8 years ago with my daughter’s mom, I’ll keep and sweet. I always tell people never love someone more than yourself, and NEVER place all of your eggs in one basket. Social media is fucking up traditional relationships on all levels, makes it sooo easy to cheat for everyone. What helped me the most was when I began dating again, weeks after she moved out. It may not make sense to you now, however it should help with some of the loneliness that you will experience. Doesn’t have to be sexual, mine were. However the companionship will fill a huge void. The rest you’ll figure out with time. You’ll meet someone else whom you develop interest, unfortunately the love bond will never be the same again after a traumatic experience that you’re going through. Travel abroad, get your passport go to the Caribbean or Amsterdam etc. once you see whats out there for you you’ll heal quicker and won’t miss her as much. Good Luck!

SalamandersRreal · 2024-11-13T10:48:03+00:00

Same thing here, high school sweethearts, had been together since I was 17, so about 14 years together total, and then she got the tingles for someone else and then the cheating, lies, gaslighting, and bullshit came. I have lived in almost complete isolation for almost a year now. I get my daughter every other week, but I also have work and school, and my daughter has school, closest family lives 4 hours away, and I can’t move out of my FIL’s house because then I wouldn’t have anyone to help bridge the gap with making sure someone is home with my daughter, so she couldn’t live with me anymore and I would be truly alone….

I want to say it gets easier, but when you’re trapped and isolated it can be really tough not to be eaten away. Hang in there, I know you can do it. I wish you the best and that you can get some peace and normalcy back in your life ASAP.

HereToLook12345 · 2024-11-13T08:58:28+00:00

Hard for me to read bc I know how you feel and I hate for anyone to go through that. There is no pain like it.

If your divorce is not final, please get an attorney. Please protect yourself. I’m not saying blow up and seek ultimate revenge I’m saying to protect yourself and try to get a fair outcome that doesn’t ruin your life. Don’t not do this bc you love her and don’t think she would be unfair. Don’t not do this bc you want to get back together. And don’t not do this bc she’s made you feel it’s all your fault and you deserve it. Please listen to me on this.

Don’t try to get closure from her or win her back. I tried all that so intensely even after the divorce. They will not take any accountability whatsoever. And will give you mixed signals, breadcrumb you, actions will never match words, and will use any reaction you have to inconsistencies or something that is clearly wrong against you. It will all be weaponized against you eventually.

This may go against everything your heart and mind is screaming so loudly to do. Trust me I know. I wish I had known this. I didn’t do these things and it made a horrible situation into the most unimaginable nightmare that’s left me a shell of myself. I could go into detail but it’s so in-depth I wouldn’t know where to start or end.

Protect yourself to keep things fair. Protect yourself from her not following rules or possible parental alienation. Don’t allow your unconditional love for her to allow you to be walked all over. Believe this version of her she’s showing you.

CompSci1 · 2024-11-13T06:38:14+00:00

been there man, the lady in your head is completely made up and what shes doing to you now is WHO she really is. Thats where a lot of the pain comes from, your reality is torn apart, in large part because she lied to you and tricked you and sold you a version of herself that wasn't real. Now you see the real her.

don't kill yourself. the best revenge is success.

MR-Ozmidnight · 2024-11-13T05:17:51+00:00

You’ve been through a lot, and it’s time to face some tough truths. When you feel disrespected, it’s natural to feel hurt and lost. But remember, you’re not alone in this journey. It takes two to tango, and it’s essential to acknowledge the impact of your STBXW’s actions; she chose to leave and deceive you and your family.

It’s crucial to understand that many women strategically plan their moves ahead of time—often months before you realise it. This can leave you feeling blindsided. To regain control, start with some essential steps. First, hire the best lawyer you can find immediately.

While it’s not strictly legal, consider setting aside some money discreetly. You don’t want to wake up one day unable to access your accounts or home, especially with accusations flying. Start this process without delay.

I recommend reading insightful books like "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life," "No More Mr. Nice Guy," "Doing the 180," and "Grey Rocking." These resources will provide valuable perspectives on betrayal and the mindset of those who cheat.

In addition, make physical fitness a priority—hit the gym, run, or take a walk. Staying active will help clear your mind and prepare you for this long journey ahead. Reach out to your family and trusted friends; share your experiences and evidence so she can't manipulate the narrative.

If you have children, focus on being the best dad possible. No matter how complicated things get, never speak ill of her in front of them. Everyone heals at their own pace; some may move on quickly, while others take longer. But trust that you will heal in time.

Remember, there are people ready to support you—many have faced similar challenges and can relate to your struggles. Take care of yourself; your kids need you now more than ever. When you’ve navigated this storm, you’ll be ready to find someone special who will genuinely appreciate you.

Lastly, steer clear of alcohol. It can lead to rash decisions that may have serious consequences. Stay focused, and good luck! You’ve got this!

bkdad75 · 2024-11-13T04:50:22+00:00

You said you wanted the truth. The truth is your marriage and your family became mundane and small to her. Smaller than other desires she had. She ceased to believe that those things were so large and special that they were worthy of reverence and sacrifice. She lost faith. That's the first half, the easy half. The hard half is... you now need to follow her example. Your marriage wasn't an eternal and unbreakable commitment blessed by the state and the Lord almighty, whereby two people become one flesh. It was two people sleeping together and sharing chores and bills. Your family wasn't an eternal institution and a self contained world which carried your legacy forward through the generations. It was two people sharing the work and expense of raising children. The rest of it is stories. Silly stories. Perhaps even lies. Don't wind up the only believer in a dead religion. To make your loss less crushing, you have to realize that much of what you think you just lost never existed in the first place.

No-Walk-1633 · 2024-11-13T04:40:44+00:00

Turn that pain into anger and fight like hell for your kids, your money, your pride. My wife did pretty much exactly the same. These women get on the Facebook groups and basically all pretend they are "emotionally abused". It's a big woe is me fest on there. Then they all do this. I made my ex pay, kept pretty much everything in our fight. Time for you to make her pay.

Content-Class1259 · 2024-11-13T04:06:43+00:00

All of the above, but, the shitiest thing you want to hear right now is “it gets better”, don’t get me wrong, it does get better, but sadly there is no fixed timeline to that outcome. I’m almost 4 years out after 25 in, and it’s so much better. The most important thing is zero contact, no peeping at social media or random phone calls etc, cut the them off cold, it’s tough but best in the long run for you!

redwzrd · 2024-11-13T03:42:45+00:00

welcome to the club.... same here 16 years together and she loves someone else. blind sided by it all and my head and emotions are still spinning. how quick she seems to forget our vows and all we have been through. im not even two months in to all this. i look at our wedding pics and its like its not the same person anymore i dont feel the same about her because the depths of betrayal. im just in the gym every day as a distraction and on here sharing because it makes me feel better. theres a good youtube coach for divorcing men called racheal sloan shes got alot of good Insight and will help make you realize its not all you. you may never get the closure you want from her, its what she chose to do and sometime they dont care the damage they have dont. become the best version of your self for you and your kids. also as a big fuck you to her......

hrapollo · 2024-11-13T02:47:14+00:00

Going through this exact same thing.. All the same feelings.

7 year marriage. She was having a year long affair with her boss (or bosses boss until he got her reporting directly to him if that isn’t sick enough..). We have 2 kids..

I walk in a circle mentally every day. I wake up at 2am with little chance of falling back to sleep. I think what’s the point to all this. How can it be worth it ?

People say just get through the day.. do things for yourself.. I’m trying but, fuck..

I’m just a fucking ghost at this point..

AirSailer · 2024-11-13T02:45:14+00:00

Man, it sounds like you're still fairly close to the beginning of the end of your marriage. Here's the thing, this is the worst it will get. That may not sound very reassuring given the powerful emotions you are experiencing right now, but it's the truth. There will be ups and downs, some days will be worse than others, but it will get easier.

Some women are simply selfish, and yet they are able to mask that selfishness by manipulation of their man's emotions. Soul mates don't exist, she was never capable of loving you the way you needed to be loved, because love is transactional for women. It's a truth I had to learn the hard way. Unfortunately she found a better deal somewhere else. That being said, it might be hard to hear but she did you a favor because now you know exactly who and what she is.

Lift you head up man, you've been given the opportunity to step up to a new life challenge; and you'll live to tell the (real) tale to your children because you know deep down they will need the stability you can provide to them that your STBXW cannot.

Betteroffalone1111 · 2024-11-13T02:28:24+00:00

Don’t know if it helps but the phrase “ she wasn’t yours it’s just your turn “ helped me

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2024-11-13T02:28:21+00:00

Time to get and read No More Mr Nice Guy.

justAnAccount5432 · 2024-11-13T02:19:46+00:00

Feel all the things you need to feel, but don’t try to process it with her. You won’t get the answers you’re looking for and it will only make things worse between you.

Fluid-Translator-160 · 2024-11-13T02:11:53+00:00

Just know you are enough and give yourself time to greive. I too am going through it with two kids and a lover of 10 years. I have been manipulated to feel that I was not enough. Message if you need someone to talk to or express your emotions. We are here for you and please find support as that is the best medicine for this. Find a person that you can call and throw it all out there!

BmoreBigLos · 2024-11-13T02:06:13+00:00

Im here with you too bro. Literally going through the same thing as we speak. I have found that focusing my energy on being the best father I can be to my sons is the way to live. I can’t keep thinking she will come back to me or we will fall in love again. Hell my ex expedited the divorce just so we can be done quicker. I stay out of her business and she stays out of mine. We only talk about the well-being and welfare of the kids but ultimately that’s it. You gotta find a hobby that makes you happy and work your ass off. I mean pick up every extra shift you can, get a second job. Something to occupy your mind and your time. Time heals all wounds and while your wound is wide open and painful right now it will heal and you will be whole again. Just need time bro. Breathe, and remind yourself that your kids are better with there father here in the world. They will need your guidance, wisdom,and love. So make sure to stick around. Check in from time to time on here too. I find it’s a great way to talk to other fathers who have gone through it already. Cheers bro. Get working

Vollen595 · 2024-11-13T02:05:23+00:00

It sucks but you will live. What you need to do is understand that the person you are mourning the loss of, never really existed. I can say that because I have been where you are. You can’t change anything but yourself at this point. And that’s all that matters. Whatever she did, whatever indiscretions she committed- doesn’t matter because it’s not the woman who she sold you on. Get angry, don’t get angry, same result - she is gone. She’s not coming back. But would you want her back? Sure, she looks the same, may even act the same (fake) but is that the person you were sold on enough to put a ring on her finger?

Be honest with yourself. It sucks, I get it. Find a distraction. Any distraction. Good luck to you. There is someone out there who shares your values. Small comfort but you now know one person who wouldn’t make the cut.

probebeta · 2024-11-13T02:02:25+00:00

You answered your question actually. If all you see is what reminds you of her then dump it all in the garbage. Then you can focus on getting you back.

No_Animator_6015 · 2024-11-13T01:52:36+00:00

You’ve come to the right place, and trust me, we’ve all been where you are now. The first thing to do is to take a deep breath—literally and mentally. This moment is about you, and right now, your well-being is what matters most. Your health and peace of mind are essential, especially as a father.

The woman you loved is now part of your past. She may have seemed perfect in your eyes, but if she’s hurt you and moved on so quickly, it’s clear that things weren’t as you believed. That’s a painful truth to face, but know that many of us have been through it and come out stronger.

At the moment, it might feel like you’re left in the dust, unsure of your next steps. The most important thing is to find that fire within yourself again. There are challenges ahead, and to come out stronger, you’ll need to approach them from a place of strength. Take the time to read through the experiences of others who’ve been through similar situations. The more you surround yourself with support and guidance, the sooner you’ll be able to move beyond this chaos and into a better place.

Title	I'm...very messed up.
Author	Still-Average9690
Upvotes	90
Comments	63
Date	November 13, 2024 1:42 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1gq1m2x/imvery_messed_up/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/imvery-messed-up.1535602 https://theredarchive.com/post/1535602

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