I'm having a really hard time.

ImportantRecipe3087 · 2024-10-11T06:36:33+00:00

That’s a great question. I can’t remember when the crying stopped for me. At the time it felt like it would never end but it did, somehow, and now I’ve forgotten when it stopped. You’ll come out the other side like everyone else but how long it takes is just an individual thing and it needs to run its course for you. I’m four years out and I’d say the hurt doesn’t disappear completely ever but I can now see it has helped to improve the way I live my life now. My best advice would be to just take one day at a time. You’ll get through this too.

slightly_hairy · 2024-10-11T03:42:36+00:00

I hear you. Seven months in myself. I have found that it helps to exercise once or twice a day. Hard. But not long sometimes. I talk with a counselor at least weekly. And, I’ve really got into Secular Buddhism has been extremely helpful. I’ve read “Taking the Leap” by Pema Chodron three times.

A personal inventory daily.

And despite this some days or parts of days are awful.

But I’m starting to believe that I’ve got this I think. But I know it may be a couple years of mourning before I really got this.

Take care

captainchippsixx · 2024-10-11T02:45:40+00:00

You get mad. You work out and kick ass. You say fuck it. She doesn’t love you or respect you. You take care of you. You come back stronger and with lessons learned but to do that shit again. You make changes. Maybe job. Maybe state. Put everything on the table and weigh it. Maybe you do something once for yourself and buy something you use every day. Maybe it’s a car, or a phone, or whatever. You take small steps. You crank a to do list and for your day, the week, the month. The start accomplishing.

Results_Coach_MM · 2024-10-11T01:17:40+00:00

I understand the pain you are going through my man. It is hard and it is tough.

In plain there is nothing we can do to control another person, we can't control how they feel or whether or not they will like us.

However the one thing we have 100% control over, is ourself. That is a very empowering thing to do! So firstly seek professional medical help, BUT do not let her know about it. You don't want her taking your vulnerabilities and controlling you with it.

The second thing you should do is work on yourself. Your identity right now is still the you that you have built up with her for the past 13 years. It means that part of your identity is gone after she is gone, and that is what you are trying so hard to cling onto.

After all, the fact is you have a life and identity prior to you meeting her, and I'm sure you were enjoying and heading in the right direction.

So you need to start going out there and rebuilding your identity. Go through the motions, go for a walk and reall yappreciate the now, the mindfulness, how beautiful the sky is, how fresh the airs is etc... and yes you are going to think about how nice it would be if she was with you right now.

You're going to get those thoughts and there's no use trying to suppress it, it will come.

The difference is how you respond to it, just be a 3rd person and observe the thoughts, let them come then let them go and just be aware of it. Soon you will notice as you focus on yourself those thoughts of her will drop one by one till it becomes just a passing memory in the phase of your life.

Do NOT have any more interactions with her. Your only focus now is yourself and your children. She is but the mother of your child and have no other relationship with you. Sleeping with her is dangerous, and know that it serves no benefit to you or to her.

Sleeping with her will harm her instead, as she is still trying to grasp at her own identity as a mother to your children.

She may feel obligated to sleep with you to ensure that your children are going to remain being looked after by you. So your neediness is harming yourself and your ex.

Feel free to reach out if you want some Coaching.

Content-Class1259 · 2024-10-11T00:51:57+00:00

Hold on, did I read periodically sleeping together? That’s a bad plan my friend, I learnt the hard way, cut off all contact or things will never get better. The less you know about what she is doing or screwing the better you will be, and the sooner that will happen.

Lilbitysquirt · 2024-10-10T22:32:00+00:00

That’s how I was the first few months until I recognized that it was hurting myself more than doing any good. She didn’t care what I was doing. I had to stop caring what she was doing for my own mental health. I also had to start looking at this as not a separation but a pre divorce. Once I stopped caring I was able to find peace.

modernmanagement · 2024-10-10T22:21:31+00:00

You have to keep your sails up and add positivity into your life. She is not your partner anymore, you are not her partner anymore - you don't have to worry about her, put your own oxygen mask on first. For the sake of your kids, get out there. Join some interest groups, make coffee and lunch meetings at work, organize a get together and invite people to join you, plan a hike and invite whoever you can to go with you. Make it happen for yourself. Forget about her, you're taking different paths now and you can decide for yourself which way to go ahead. Book a holiday, get away, get therapy, add positive things into your life. You're free to be your own man, make your own decision. Hell, if you need a friend, message me. But I'll be telling you, start smiling more and make plans, and keep your sails up.

whoisgodiam · 2024-10-10T21:57:27+00:00

Get yourself a fun 20 year old and have her empty your balls. The world is your oyster. Never marry again.

techrmd3 · 2024-10-10T21:34:11+00:00

mostly what you are feeling is normal, I suggest group therapy for divorced people group do a google search in your area and you will find one, I suggest in person not virtual.

At first you are dealing with TWO traumas 1 - your spouse does not like you anymore 2 - normally some spouses band-aid their own separation trauma by finding someone else to trauma bond with, so they jump into bed with someone else like you (past love) are nothing.

the ol' to get over someone get under someone else thing

If you mentally realize that your soon to be ex is likely dealing with the separation as above. AND that they are likely dragging all their issues into their new new bonding situation... well you can see it's not healthy and it's likely going to lead to a bad outcome.

BUT here's the kicker, this spouse will not listen to you and even though you still care about this person as a past love (at least) and (likely) as a parent to your kids... you are really in a pickle psychologically.

It's ok to be torn up by this... AND it's normal. Like as not some people are not stellar in their behavior during separation and divorce. AND it's also normal for one spouse to flaunt any new love or toy they find that brings them comfort. It's not nice and it's not (in my opinion) ethical but it is what it is.

Exact_Public_2958 · 2024-10-10T21:28:42+00:00

Sorry OP I'm almost 4 months in and feel the same. Cry every day sometimes multiple. I am a lazy person so wallow is easier than trying to get out of it but my energy level is so low most days..wish I could muster hate but I can't.

Canadian_builder1081 · 2024-10-10T21:11:32+00:00

Sounds like you’re feeling every piece of this grief, which as painful as it is, is actually really healthy. You have to feel it and work through it before you can heal from it.

I’m 2 years post separation and as much as it still hurts, you eventually learn to function again, to have interactions that don’t hurt like hell, and slowly start to imagine what your new future could one day look like like. Right now though, you’re very much still in that grieving stage, grieving the future that you had imagined for yourself and your kids, and that’s really tough.

My advice which seems to be the common advice around here, Is you have to focus on yourself, with your kids now being your motivation. They need you man. They need you to get through this and be strong for them. That doesn’t mean bottling up your emotions but finding healthy ways to express them. Find a hobby, find things to do when you don’t have the kids, look into counselling, learn to meditate/breath work and journal. And when you do have the kids they have to be the number one priority and your reason for grinding. Find joy with them and show them that things will be ok.

And for what its worth, its not easier when your significant ex says they care, still love you, etc. because then the wtfs just take a different path and you argue “if you really kid you wouldn’t be doing this and putting our family through this pain”.

Good luck man. Please reach out if you ever want to chat.

cg69ass · 2024-10-10T20:59:38+00:00

We are all here for you. I am at 4 months of separation with no end in sight for divorce. About a month ago I stopped carrying about her talking to her AP. And I know there are others she is talking to/seeing. I used to have nightmares when we were married that she slept with someone else. Now I don't care if she is passed around at her camping trips with her "friends". I found it took her hurting me with the kids to just no longer care.

Accurate_Efforts · 2024-10-10T20:56:23+00:00

Sorry for what you’re going through. You’re not alone.

Hang in there and start walking your path, be the best version for you and your kids.

Title	I'm having a really hard time.
Author	Still-Average9690
Upvotes	15
Comments	23
Date	October 10, 2024 8:23 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1g0s8tu/im_having_a_really_hard_time/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/im-having-a-really-hard-time.1532646 https://theredarchive.com/post/1532646

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