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View 1 posts and 92 comments by bkdad75 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
21

bkdad75/r/Divorce_Men05/07/24 04:24 AM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
10

Cheating doesn't make it hurt less. It makes you a bit less likely to blame yourself, but not as much as you might think. Ultimately what happened during the marriage counts more than what the end looked like. That's what I ended up finding myself unable to stop revisiting.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/25 06:40 PM
26

Every guy considering supporting a SAHM wife needs to read this. They beg you to give them a life they then end up hating and blaming you for. "I want to be a mother, please make that possible" morphs smoothly into "you stole my life and only Brad understands that".
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/25 04:21 PM
4

The inheritance is probably mostly safe, so long as you haven't mingled it into some kind of shared finances. The gift I'm not sure about, but your odds of keeping her out of it are probably good. The house... That might have been mostly safe if you hadn't deeded it to her. As it is, you might now have to buy her out of it. But ask a lawyer. Also, seems she's an actual self supporting adult with some pride. That might make her somewhat less likely to just steal your shit because she can... most …
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/25 04:02 AM
1

Gotta get the tax stuff into the settlement so there are no arguments. You need to be able to claim the kids, which also lets you claim "head of household" status. It's not as good as married status, but it's something. If you're paying child support, you should insist on it. You're paying the tax on the income being used to support the children. It's totally fair that the tax advantages should go entirely to you too.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/25 02:06 PM
2

Your strongest argument might be stability. You can promise more because you own and she rents.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 02:18 PM
1

Compared to what. I'd be paying half as much if I was in Texas. My ex would have to (gasp!) get a job. California (where thank God I don't live) gives her lifetime alimony after ten years! I literally could not believe that was real. I really do wonder how many of those guys flee the country.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/24 11:20 PM
3

Other than as a temporary thing during the divorce (which was when I did it) it's rare. I have actually run across two people who did it. It requires an unusually low conflict relationship, as there's just so much more the former couple would need to agree on. We were both very sick of it by the time she moved out for real; her more than me. If you're in dispute about who gets the family home, it can keep you in the running when you otherwise would struggle to be. It's worth having, too.
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/24 05:39 AM
1

Surely that's not surprising, that someone earning more than half the money and also keeping house while he doesn't would be dissatisfied? Is that a deal you'd put up with? If she's working, the man should be pulling his weight at home. Mine earned no money, relied heavily on me and on hired help at home and with the kids, and then gleefully cut me in half in the divorce. She spent 20 years doing very little, and then walked off with millions. She, somehow, believes herself to be a victim. Assum…
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/24 11:31 PM
1

Surely that's not surprising, that someone earning more than half the money and also keeping house while he doesn't would be dissatisfied? Is that a deal you'd put up with? If she's working, the man should be pulling his weight at home. Mine earned no money, relied heavily on me and on hired help at home and with the kids, and then gleefully cut me in half in the divorce. She spent 20 years doing very little, and then walked off with millions. She, somehow, believes herself to be a victim. Assum…
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/24 11:31 PM
3

You can place no trust in her having any sense of fairness during divorce. They go for as much as they can get, no exceptions. They justify it to themselves... somehow. They persuade themselves the marriage was some big wrong that you did to them and that they deserve compensation. The very best protection is to marry an equivalent earner, and don't let her stop working. Losing half of a pot that was genuinely equally earned is fair, and a woman with income doesn't need alimony. It's when she st…
/r/Divorce_Men23/12/24 04:15 PM
6

Dude, that's the deal of the fucking century! Is she super guilty or something? If so, it won't last! Get 'er done!
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/24 10:59 PM
4

Hope you get the fair ruling. They pull this crap because for them it sometimes works.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 02:27 AM
12

Wish I'd funded the 529s more heavily. They tend to get side pocketed in the division, since in a sense they belong to neither. More to my kids, less I pay for college, less she can waste.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 01:30 AM
2

It'll only change if men start refusing to get married, and if that hasn't happened yet even after decades of this crap, when will it? The trend is broadly in the right direction, 50/50 defaults are getting more common and permanent alimony less common. Doesn't move fast though.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/24 01:39 AM
3

Every damn time. I'm always sad and grumpy afterwards. I struggle not to ruminate, but if it's going to happen, that will be when.
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/24 04:02 AM
15

She was good at inventing ways of looking at life that justified her behavior and made her the victim. The fact that she'd never had a career was somehow my fault for paying for everything and making it not a pressing issue, that kind of thing. So not no morals, just morals always chosen for the way they benefited her. This seems to be the central difference in divorces involving women who didn't work. He treats her not having to work as a gift he gave her, and feels robbed because she now gets …
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/24 03:58 AM
3

Unlike a first marriage, there's no "standard" deal for a post divorce relationship. Exclusivity, cohabitation, kids, somebody providing, it's all up for grabs. It's easy for inaccurate assumptions to get made. Does he know what you want, what your goal is? He may be assuming that by asking for "commitment" you're asking for or aiming for other things too, and he might not be down for them. Find out!
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/24 03:47 AM
28

You're assuming such crises are kind of short duration manias that end with regrets. Certainly hasn't been the case with my ex, who described her decision to leave me as a mid life crisis. She had life goals she never got around to achieving. She decided I was responsible. It never made any sense, I'd supported all those goals in very material ways. But no, not enough, I'll gut him, take his money, and achieve the goals that way. It really was that simple, she wanted my money without my having a…
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/24 03:39 AM
2

Sometimes that's correct advice. What about this world leads you to believe that fairness is a high priority?
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/24 05:45 PM
3

You seem to be starting from the common sense position that people should get out of a dissolving marriage what they put in. That it might be a bit like dissolving a business partnership. I invested more money and more time in this contracting business, so I should get more of the pie when we sell it. The law is nothing like that. Roughly, it starts from the idea that both parties get half. Then, there's the idea that somebody might be in need because they've got no skills and can't get well pai…
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 11:12 PM
4

You're behind the times my friend, all our exes have "avoidant attachment styles" this year. You're right, it's nonsense 🤣
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 03:27 AM
1

These conferences pretend they're about debating this point and that point. But nobody's listening, there's no arbitor, and nobody trusts anybody, so true debate is impossible. The arguments are a complicated cover for two people haggling over the price of a carpet. The main leverage is who wants it over the most. I stopped doing them. They were several grand a time, and they got nowhere. Stopping all the debating and just sending offers over email was what worked.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/24 03:22 AM
6

Cycles of revenge never end with one party saying "oh no, that hurt, I totally deserved that and won't react in any way". They don't end... at all. You hit her, she hits you back. You say mean shit about her, which gets you nothing, she alienates you from your children, or does malicious compliance stuff with your custody agreement, or accuses you of abuse, or whatever. The woman is well stocked with powerful weapons in a divorce. If she uses them unfairly, nobody's going to right those wrongs. …
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/24 08:29 PM
1

They do tend to be better at some things than us. Cooking and cleaning aren't among them.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/24 06:11 PM
27

My ex's cleaning was more something I heard about than something I saw. Lots of angry descriptions of cleaning. No actual... Cleanliness.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/24 06:05 PM
17

You're hugging a cactus. She's using you for safety and protection, as she secretly delights in the power she still has over you. She tests this power by baiting you with talk designed to provoke jealousy and pain. This "show of support as she eases you through separation" is a lie. Cut her the hell loose. No more "best friend". Don't promise yourself she'll crash when this happens. It's unlikely. Just because she finds you useful doesn't mean she needs you.
/r/Divorce_Men29/11/24 05:14 PM
21

The sentiment is fine. The presentation stinks, and unless you're crazy good looking, your profile will fail. Women have a well trained ability to sense male anger. Why wouldn't they, angry men can be dangerous. This makes you sound angry and bitter. It also says "I've been with a bunch of women I didn't end up respecting, and here are all of their deficiencies". Here's what she's going to think of that. Maybe they were fine and you don't respect women. Left swipe. Maybe they weren't fine, which…
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 09:21 PM
1

Sure as heck isn't like that in New York. Say he's earning $101, she's earning $100, and they're 50/50. He'll be paying her the exact same amount as if she had 100% custody. Doesn't make much sense.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 04:10 AM
1

Wrapping up NY divorce. How much you pay the lawyers depends entirely on how much you fight, which is the same anywhere. You get only limited control over that, it takes only one fighter to drive up both your bills. If your combined income is well south of 200k, alimony and child support are decided by formulas. You can find calculators online. If it's a lot higher... There's lots of wonderful ambiguity for the lawyers to feed on. If the assets are clear, dividing them is easy. If there's a busi…
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/24 03:30 AM
3

Never ever tolerate anything temporary you're not willing to see end up permanent.
/r/Divorce_Men17/11/24 09:38 PM
14

You said you wanted the truth. The truth is your marriage and your family became mundane and small to her. Smaller than other desires she had. She ceased to believe that those things were so large and special that they were worthy of reverence and sacrifice. She lost faith. That's the first half, the easy half. The hard half is... you now need to follow her example. Your marriage wasn't an eternal and unbreakable commitment blessed by the state and the Lord almighty, whereby two people become on…
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/24 04:50 AM
2

It's only the end of that world. You get to build another one now. We give such vast value and significance to our relationships, especially marriage. They just don't deserve it. The actual reality is two people living in the same house, screwing, and sharing chores and bills. The rest is a big pile of stories, many of which I don't believe anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 11:32 PM
5

Her transferring money overseas to shield it from division during divorce is a really bad sign. Probably in theory there are ways a US court could hold her to account, but good luck getting the system to actually go after her. Whatever kind of lawyer you need to make that happen is probably wildly expensive, and without paying the right lawyer the system does nothing. Gather any and all evidence while you can. If she's been secretive and protective of her money all these years there's a decent c…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 08:54 PM
1

Are you really from some place where it's like that?
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 02:56 AM
2

In NY state it's just so blatant. For lower incomes, the law is relatively clear. For higher ones, it provides almost no guidance. Tuned deliberately to get as much as there is to be gotten from each client.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 12:56 PM
6

It once worked that way, but not for decades now. Either party can now divorce without the other's consent or cooperation, and need not justify it in any way. I think in some states there are waiting periods, but that's about it. You can certainly influence whether the case will last a long time or a short time depending on how hard you fight vs cooperate. Making it last a long time might be costly to you though, in some combination of legal fees, wasted time, and stress. I wouldn't recommend do…
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/24 03:25 AM
2

So if it gets old he can stop and do something else. Straight men are meant to have women in our lives. It's literally wired into us. Why would we pretend we can have the full spectrum of human experience without it. You can be happy without it, but that isn't somehow more authentic and virtuous than the alternative. The man who spends a year going back and forth between the shrink and the gym isn't necessarily being more prudent and wise than this guy.
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 01:18 PM
3

Yeah, mine thought divorce just had rules you followed, rather than it being a lawless clusterf*ck. If only!
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/24 08:18 PM
6

Don't sign anything don't move out, lawyer right away. She probably already has one.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/24 05:46 PM
3

The outcome of the divorce financially should be pretty predictable. 50/50 assets and joint debts, alimony and child support as per the state formulas, which you can find online. If you both work, 50/50 custody is likely, and might be her preference. They don't get more money with more custody in NYS, so they don't fight as hard over it. Once they're at 50% custody they get the full amount. Her student loans, if taken out before you married, are likely separate debt, ie her sole responsibility. …
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/24 02:35 AM
1

If forcing her to marry got you out of alimony that's a great outcome. If not... aren't you just left in a place where you're forced to marry yourself in order to have a satisfactory personal life? I'm glad this worked out for you, but it wouldn't have been my choice. I want my daughters to one day have a more positive female role model than their mother has been. Her lesson is basically "follow your dreams even if they're selfish and stupid, some man somewhere will always pick up the tab".
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/24 12:52 AM
1

This is the first time I've heard of a morality clause being taken seriously. I suspect that in most cases they're ignored by both parties as unenforceable. Any idea why she complied? Your experience is what it is, but I doubt it's typical. I think that for most men pinning much hope on such a clause, or giving other things up to get it, would be a mistake.
/r/Divorce_Men13/10/24 03:49 PM
2

Being a "10/10 woman" sounds like a curse to me. For a man, that's like staring into the sun. It makes it hard to even think. You probably wouldn't attract the guys you were looking for, and if you did, they'd fall in love with some version of you they'd largely invented. Being tall, as a man, is generally good. You probably look twice at tall men. How about a man who's over 7 feet tall? It's like that.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 02:24 PM
3

If you acknowledge things were going badly and you agree divorce is the way forward, were you really blindsided? Or were you just not the first to act? Maybe some "you don't fire me because I quit" thinking would help you here. You have more agency and more power than you think you do. She is more scared and less certain than she seems. Gain the initiative. Don't let anything happen to you during this period which you'll regret. If the kids are old enough to be attached to the family home, hangi…
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 12:42 PM
4

Fix it or split. The third option is that one of you will end up cheating, and then the divorce will be a nightmare.
/r/Divorce_Men25/09/24 12:21 AM
2

You haven't said how long you were married, which is a major factor. If it's been 3 years or something, maybe this isn't so bad. If it's been 15... another situation entirely. You could reasonably expect CS, alimony, 50/50 on almost all assets, 50/50 custody, the whole enchilada. Your wife's odds of getting a court to give her anything other than 50/50 custody probably aren't great, because she works so much, and her work is so demanding. Where guys get screwed it's usually young kids, a stay at…
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 04:08 PM
2

The Amish also have kids when they're young, eat totally different diets, have totally different lifestyles, and are a distinct ethnic group as well as being a religious one... but sure, it's the vaccines. This got carefully looked at. It just isn't true. Vaccines aren't an especially good business, it's difficult to get pharma companies to even make them. But they're protected by some vast scientific conspiracy? Have you ever met a scientist? They can't conspire to pick lunch.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 12:17 PM
2

There only being communication via text/email can actually be a pretty good outcome. I think that's helped my ex and I keep it civil, and not hearing her voice is definitely less painful for me. Best defense against her trying to attack you via your daughter is having a great relationship with your daughter, and not speaking ill of your ex to her. Kids aren't stupid. They do make their own judgments. Especially after divorce when they start hearing different things from each parent.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/24 12:14 PM
9

There's the story that makes someone feel good about themselves, and there's the truth. For many people, the truth never stands a chance. Men don't become a good fathers overnight. If you're able to do it now, you were almost certainly doing it then too.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/24 06:36 PM
1

Not my chosen course, but fair winds anyway!
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/24 06:32 PM
2

You have a very traditional set of attitudes. They're not "wrong", they prevailed for centuries and still do in many places. But in the US, right now, you're out of step with the culture. The culture isn't going to bend to meet you. You can try to find someone who also thinks as you do, but the culture will influence her over time as well, as it does all of us. Unless you really do want to move to a country where the culture matches your attitudes, you face a tough decision. You owe it to yourse…
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/24 03:13 PM
7

Don't let the deal between you become unfair. I'm talking mostly about dollars and hours here. When stuff starts to seriously bother you about how it's all washing out, have that talk sooner rather than later, before anyone has become too mad and resentful for it to go well. Don't just suck it up, you won't be able to do that forever. Encourage her to do the same. If she argues that hey, actually this is fair, listen and try to put yourself in her position. This isn't easy. Resentment over chron…
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/24 03:02 PM
0

I'm saying that if the kids are old enough to be attached to their home, try to make her be the one who moves out.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 03:53 AM
4

I don't agree with this. There's way more to this than custody laws and money. If you move out of the family home, you probably won't be moving back in. Doubly so if you're the man. The parent who retains the family home will usually have a much easier time with the children. The leaver faces the stress of trying to establish a home the kids find appealing. The kids tend to subconsciously decide that the leaver was either the instigator or the one at fault, they can see it as a banishment or an …
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 01:44 PM
3

She floated it once, perhaps 7 or so years before it happened. Then at the end, it was zero to "certain divorce" with no intermediate stages. By this I don't mean there was nothing wrong, we had clearly drifted quite a long way apart. I mean she didn't threaten divorce before her decision, she just did it. I've heard they do this because a husband changing the things they didn't like for that reason "wouldn't count". He should give her what she wants because he loves her, not out of fear, goes t…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 01:36 AM
3

I did snoop, and am glad I learned what I did. I did not expose my kids to this stuff. They don't even know who left who, let alone why. A good friend who works with children advised me to never disparage her in front of them, no matter how much she deserves it. He was right. It just makes the kids feel unsafe, at a time when they are already bound to feel that way. Using your kids to hurt your ex harms them, and harms your relationship with them. I don't recommend it.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 02:30 AM
12

You might not have cheated, but in cases like this of a sudden dramatic breakup that appears to make no sense, she often has. You'll see your story told a hundred times in this sub I'm afraid. Divorce isn't always the end of an escalating series of fights. Very often, it's lightning out of a clear sky, at least from the surprised person's perspective. You may learn some stuff that will rip your guts out. In this first awful period, your highest priorities are not becoming addicted to anything, n…
/r/Divorce_Men28/08/24 11:32 PM
7

The government telling you your marriage is over is not going to help you feel better. You'll get that paper and expect it to mean something, and it just won't. You'll still have to pay her, talk to her, deal with her. That's what's bringing you this pain, not some entry in a government database. Who says you can't date. Some women prefer that a guy has the paper. Plenty of others don't care. Concentrate on the parts of your life you do have control over and which can conform to your timetable. …
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 12:09 PM
1

Before gay marriage was available, some gay couples cobbled together marriage-like arrangements by signing contracts with one another. These contracts, I guess, created rights to alimony, inheritance, child custody, medical decision making, property division and so on. Perhaps a straight couple could do something similar. Rather than marrying and trying to cancel/undo the bits you don't want, perhaps don't marry, and add the bits you do want. I'm just speculating here, I have no idea how practic…
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/24 06:18 PM
2

She tries really hard to make a nice home for you. She will sleep with you when you initiate it, even when it doesn't meet a need for her. It sounds like you both put roughly the same amount of effort in to keep everything going. None of those things were true by the time my marriage ended, with her infidelity. I'm not saying it's perfect or even tolerable. I'm saying there's more good stuff left than you'll find in a lot of the sad stories you'll read here. Divorce is horribly painful, even for…
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/24 02:20 PM
6

I see a bunch of signs of a wife who is trying to do right by you OP. You owe her a harder fight than this.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/24 02:50 PM
2

It doesn't take away from the kids if you spend it on the kids. In your shoes she wouldn't hesitate for a second, and you shouldn't either. You can't be present for your kids if you're working several jobs. If you physically can't look after them because you're never around, she strolls down to the courthouse, says that, and boom, you aren't a father anymore. You are divorced. There is no "we". This game you're now in is for the highest stakes of your life. You cannot afford to give ground.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/24 11:32 PM
1

The managers and HR people in this situation don't personally care, obviously, as nobody was even vaguely harmed by what the guy said. They're all afraid someone will point something sharp at them for not having acted, so they reach for the axe right away to protect themselves. The idea that the man who 'is no longer a good worker' would sue anybody or go to HR was so outlandish they didn't even think of it. The woman... not so much.
/r/Divorce_Men08/08/24 03:21 PM
1

The loss of meaning, direction, and a particular future is very painful. Start visualizing stuff. Imagine what being on the far side of this will look like. Fill in more and more of the blanks. Get excited about it. Then go get it. The trust thing is tough. I hope it gets better. I'm way older, I'll hopefully be able to build a relationship where we don't draw so very close financially. That's harder when you need one that can support children. As to their breaking your heart... there's no prote…
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 08:04 PM
1

I'm 8 months into a separation which will certainly lead to a divorce. How justified she was in ending our marriage, and how much shame I should feel, are things that preoccupy me too. Some people would say that in my circumstances guilt is inappropriate. There was no abuse, I supported her handsomely, I worked hard at work and at home, and I loved her. She was unhappy. She found a man she liked better and left me suddenly for him. When you loved someone, and she says you caused her anguish, you…
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/24 01:40 PM
7

I'm in the middle of a divorce that broke my heart and will cost me millions. The lesson I'm taking isn't that I was wrong to marry. We don't live forever. There are only so many tall rides in this amusement park. Marriage with children holds unique and massive opportunities for love and growth. Dying an immature stunted asshole with a huge pile of cash you'll pass on to nobody isn't something I'd call a win. My advice would be to continually act (financially) as though it was going to end. Have…
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/24 09:09 PM
3

That first move she made tells you what she'll keep doing. Get yourself protected from her. Close joint accounts, particularly credit cards. Get statements for everything before she starts raiding stuff. Change your passwords. Don't leave the home if you want to keep it. Nothing you think of as temporary will be temporary. The things people do in the first few weeks often end up the shape of the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 02:59 PM
3

Yeah, a similar thing with not finishing. I think it might be anxiety, given that I'm still in the process. Also, just the magnitude of the rejection, and some cruel stuff she said about how great it is with her new man. She kinda destroyed my confidence, and it'll be a while to build it up again. Damn she was a piece of work!
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 01:04 AM
17

I'm an engineer, I was married to her for 18 years. She's going to get more than she deserves, but my life isn't over. Gotta pick yourself up my friend. Must admit though, that lifetime alimony at 10 years thing in Cali is horrifying. Even New York is miles better.
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 10:37 PM
1

Do not get a job before you file. You will get way more with things as they are right now. The only thing you do right now is hire a damn lawyer!
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 01:33 PM
2

It's an unusual mother who will straight up trade away her relationship with her children for money. No court gives the father 100% unless the mother is a wildly unfit parent, think drugs, a history of physical abuse, homelessness, severe mental illness. It's hard to get on your feet again financially or any other way if you have the kids 100% of the time. Put that picture out of your mind. Even with your being a stay at home father, the odds of your getting more than 50% custody are low, unless…
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 01:29 PM
2

You don't have to satisfy all your needs in one relationship. You don't have to be fucking someone to connect intellectually with them and learn from them. You don't owe her eternal loyalty, but you do owe it to her to be sure you can't meet your needs while staying married. You don't seem totally sure what your needs are. Find out!
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 04:51 PM
2

When the chips are down, nobody, man or woman, truly believes in any of that better or worse stuff. Unconditional love and eternal vows are dangerous lies, which we should all stop pretending to believe. What an honest marriage vow might be: "I promise to stay with you even if I'm not totally sure that is what's best for me. I promise to try hard to maintain our connection if it frays. I promise not to leave you unless I'm totally sure I'll be better off without you. If that day comes, I promise…
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 04:39 PM
2

You're unlikely to literally get a cut of the building, it's likely "separate property". What you should aim to do is have it acknowledged that your wife has a substantial ability to earn income by renting out those units. That "imputed" income would then be used to reduce the disparity between your incomes that is the basis of the child support and alimony formulas. If she's as loaded as you say, maybe to zero! If you quit your job and then claimed you had no income and couldn't pay alimony, a …
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 06:38 PM
21

Just imagine how much contempt it would take to keep doing this for five years. Imagine the headspace you'd have to be in to carry it on that long. Ask whether you want her having the power to destroy your life whenever she chooses. Consider the sheer volume of lies she has told you. Ask whether someone with that much practice lying to your face successfully can ever be believed again. You know how I'm sure she isn't really feeling guilt or remorse? If she was capable of those things, they would…
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 10:01 PM
2

She has to have an end goal? Do you? I'm noticing that women who have been through the whole wringer once or more already can treat dating as... just another potentially fun thing they can have in their lives, or not. We don't choose to call such things 'hobbies', but it's kind of what they are. Perhaps that's how she sees it. Seems like you might not be all that broken up if she saw it that way either. You don't start playing pickleball with some long term plan. You just play pickleball until i…
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/24 04:13 PM
3

"Trial separations" are basically always divorces. What's being "tried" is usually somebody's new lover. Whatever situation you're about to enter, don't enter it unless you'd be OK with it being permanent. In particular, if this sees you physically leaving your home, make your decision on the assumption that you will be prevented from coming back.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/24 01:33 PM
1

You might be able to say that because she has this money she can earn xxx investment income and that this must be imputed to her when deciding her CS and alimony. It won't be much though. I'm trying that argument with some signs of success, although the assets she's receiving are a great deal more, lending it more force hopefully.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/24 08:46 PM
5

Well... The more it sells for or the higher it's appraised at the better you do when the assets are divided, there's that to consider. Not sure how much difference a trimmed hedge makes to that though.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/24 08:19 PM
6

Someone sometimes being selfish, greedy, ambitious, vain, deceptive or disagreeable doesn't come close to making them a genuine narcissist. I think people should use words like that instead. From what I've read, the genuine article is pretty wildly unhinged and quite dangerous, something close to a psychopath.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 03:04 PM
4

The claim to be 'doing everything' when actually doing very little certainly sounds familiar. I do all the cleaning and cooking for our family home now. The house is spotless and the time it takes is easily manageable even while working full time. Way less time than it took to "do half", because she's not here making huge messes all day. This idea that housewives have some huge workload just isn't true. I accept that it's probably boring and frustrating, and it isn't a role I'd want. It isn't st…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/24 02:11 PM
7

4 weeks since she broke it to you? You've got no hope of having any control over your thoughts and feelings any time soon. You're a small boat in a big storm. I'm 8 months in, and I now have some control over when and how I think about her... but still not as much as I wish I had. Making it so that you don't need to set eyes on her or hear her voice helps a bit. A new relationship helps a lot, but you're very unlikely to be ready for that, and it comes with many risks and complications even once…
/r/Divorce_Men10/07/24 11:46 PM
9

There is no unconditional love. Not even between parents and children, let alone husbands and wives. It seems like an ideal to strive for, but I've come to think it's not just naive, but actually dangerous. It leads us to take one another for granted. It leads us to dish out and tolerate behavior we shouldn't. It encourages levels of trust it isn't safe to bestow on any human being walking this earth. This isn't meant to be some counsel of despair. To me, this was a profoundly positive realizati…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/24 04:24 PM
1

The fact that you don't want it is enough my friend! Doing something you're profoundly opposed to as a sacrifice for her serves nobody. You'll be unhappy, so you'll resent her, so you'll be a bad partner, so she won't get the happy families outcome she wants either way. I've learned the very hard way that either both partners get their most important needs met, or neither one does. And dear Lord, yes, having my home be just for myself and my daughters is magical. I'm unearthing my burried soul o…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/24 01:07 AM
2

She said she doesn't see you guys being a family without cohabitation. That's probably a more defensible position than "nobody ever has a long term relationship without cohabiting". Maybe you don't want to be her family, maybe that's where you two differ. I can imagine being close to a woman other than my ex, and I can imagine that lasting a long time, maybe even "forever". I can even imagine getting married again. Thinking of anyone other than my blood relatives as "family" though... for me tha…
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/24 02:09 PM
7

Gather your people around you. Current friends, old friends, family. Don't be alone too much, don't be idle too much. If you can afford it, therapy. It never worked for me in the past. Now, it suddenly does. The pain, the anger, they suck, but they also make you more open to change. You can walk out of this a different, better person if you try. Keep moving. There should be a feeling of progress, despite the pain.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/24 11:30 PM
1

Aus expat in the states here. Damn I miss the Australian government. So many sensible, smart policies like this one. Divorce law here is designed for and by lawyers, to leave as many questions up in the air and hard to decide as possible. No divorcing couple with ordinary salary based income should ever end up in a court, but it happens here routinely. In my case the law basically doesn't provide an answer, and it's all judge's discretion based on a bunch of factors which contradict one another …
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 03:37 PM
18

"You can’t make someone care about you by giving them more of what they already don’t appreciate"... damn. That's burned on the insides of my eyelids now.
/r/Divorce_Men15/03/24 05:42 PM
5

Instead of being a high flying surgeon, my wife had a pretend career which earned no money, but which she dedicated most of her time to. Other than that it's eerily similar, right down to the reasons she gave for having the affair. What this proves is that this isn't about the circumstances, it isn't about what careers people had, or what I did or what you did. It's about some people being self centered and entitled. These people believe it's their right to exploit the devotion of their romantic…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/24 10:13 PM
1

For the house valuation, why do you believe the buildings current condition isn't accounted for in the value you're using? Where did that number come from? On the college expenses, the extent of your responsibility there sounds like a point of law which a mediator qualified in your state's laws could give guidance on. In my state there is some kind of language along those lines, but an all expenses paid 4 year degree would probably be considered too much to ask for. Overall, this sounds unusuall…
/r/Divorce_Men11/01/24 09:13 AM
6

I'm not convinced "compatible" is a real thing. Saying this mysterious compatibility was found to be absent after 5, 10, 20 years of marriage doesn't make a lot of sense to me. For all that time its absence didn't matter, and then suddenly it did? I think people put in the effort to understand one another, or they don't. If they do, each one figures out what it would take to make the other happy. Then, they decide whether the sacrifices needed to do that are worth it.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 07:09 PM
1

It's easy to think you have to do some big new brave thing to start your new life. Do something small. Something only slightly uncomfortable, that moves you in the right direction just a bit. That builds your confidence, and then the next thing is less small.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/23 07:24 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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