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View 1 posts and 586 comments by BedazzledSwashbuckle on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
15

How-To High ValueBedazzledSwashbuckle/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/22 02:58 PM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
2

Most antisocial personality disordered individuals have higher than average rates of substance use (despite the fact that they're less likely to become addicted due to brain structure). I'd see it as one of two things: he's numbing for some reason. I'd hold back until I know what, exactly, if he's otherwise great; He's Cluster B and he's masking very, very well. Which means the mask will slip if you do some digging (forget waiting for three years; start looking into his life and his past breakup…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/22 03:53 PM
2

Congratulations!!!! That's amazing. May you have many decades of happiness and closeness together. <3
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/22 03:50 PM
67

Mind blowing. Can we center the female life experience just long enough to get decent medical care, at least?!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/22 03:06 PM
3

As soon as you eliminate that excuse, there will be another way to deflect blame from men and focus it on women. The real, underlying issue is that we refuse to hold men accountable for their behavioral choices in relationships. Failure to notice that Bundy was Bundy might be a conversation that his wife has with her mother, who wants better for her daughter. But it's irrelevant to the real issue of holding Bundy responsible for his crimes. Same logic applies everywhere else, or should.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/03/22 03:32 PM
0

Please talk with a therapist. I don't think this forum is equipped to help you with these relationship patterns, frankly, and I'm afraid this might be a pointless exercise for everyone here.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/03/22 03:30 PM
54

These men are looking to colonize a female body for their use / access. You can sometimes identify the dangerous men fastest by looking at yourself in the relationship. Are you acting like yourself? Is your life the same or better? Are you as or more connected with your social circle? Are you the same or more financially security and physically healthy? If the answer is no, whether you can clearly point the finger at him or not, it's important to start to screen your relationship for possible is…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/03/22 02:50 PM
37

They literally screen you for the capacity to do this (men vet too) from the first meeting. From the time of the initial contact the abusive man is already beginning the abuse of the target woman ... the relationship he seeks is one where he will be in charge. The target woman is a woman who will put the needs of her partner before her own. But he does not let the woman know that his plan is to find a woman who will prioritse his needs and who he can control. Instead he invites the woman to reve…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/03/22 02:47 PM
18

I've encountered comments like this from men here and there over the years. Of late, a lot of them have been written by tr@nsmen, which in no way minimizes their beauty and aspirational value, but it does make me wonder how much one's childhood experience influences our expressions of bonding with our adult partners.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/03/22 02:43 PM
1

I super hope this is the case. I really do. I suspect it's an undiagnosed personality disorder, however. I hope OP can get the help she (or he, if a lurker) needs.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/03/22 02:36 PM
1

Most adults (and some children) experience this level of trauma at some point, often through no choice of their own. You can't bang your way out of it. Please see a therapist who is extensively trained in DBT.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/03/22 02:34 PM
0

His girlfriend knew (a) he was abusive, (b) he wouldn't let her leave until he had someone else lined up, and (c) you don't care about her and - if any woman has to suffer the misery of life with him - it should be the woman who was willing to help him cheat on her. She was going to tell you whatever might ensure that the man you wanted enough to stab her in the back for ... is the man you ended up with, because he's the man she thinks you deserve.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/03/22 02:33 PM
0

Why would she care, though? That may sound harsh, but how much time did you spend nurturing and caring for his ex (and rejecting him because of the pain he and you caused her)? Why would another woman offer you more than you offered someone when you were in this woman's shoes? OP, you don't need to share with us, of course, but is there possibly a borderline diagnosis in the past? There seems to be an expectation of permeable boundaries and erasure around other people's emotional worlds / experi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/03/22 02:31 PM
1

Yes, there's such a focus on "outing him to other women" when I suspect what OP is really doing is trying to run then off so he's left solely with her (what is known in infidelity circles as "pick-me dancing"). Her real discomfort is with other women being available to him, not him being who he is (which is a NVM).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/03/22 02:27 PM
88

And at the end of the day, this is time and energy she could be using to help her own life, future, and friends. This is a misdirection of time and energy on her part.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/03/22 02:21 PM
113

"3 Comments" *sees one comment* This made me laugh and the invisible comments are making me laugh even harder. :D
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/03/22 05:02 PM
12

If you go out to dinner with a bunch of men, the men will literally fight each other (it's almost the hand slapping squabbles of a bad sitcom) to get the bill. They know (a) it makes look like them the big boss to do so, impressing every man there, and (b) it's a power play, and (c) they're now able to call in a favor with every man at that table if they want. If a guy passes up the opportunity for all of those things with a woman who holds the key to getting laid, and by a new woman he's not sl…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/03/22 04:58 PM
8

BWAHAHAHAH. Same. LVM: adj-noun. "Low Value Man" A male person who contributes limited or no emotional, relational, financial, social or other value to a heterosexual relationship of a romantic nature. Syn: scrote, scrotation (pl.), sock fucker.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/03/22 04:53 PM
12

He strikes me as the guys that Don Hennessey writes about in his "How He Gets Into Her Head" books on escaping controllers. His approach to dating is entirely "new h0le" until he finds his "target woman" - which is what he really is describing as his "dream girl." She's going to be the woman with the right combo of kindness, work ethic, self-investment, self-sufficiency, openness, and empathy for him to exploit for a very satisfying teardown of her inner world, which he will then occupy and mani…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/03/22 04:49 PM
15

Isn't that just the biggest turnoff ever? Realizing that a man was with a woman who loved him and was - at that time - sleezing on you behind her bacK? It's impossible to look at any man with a modicum of interest after you know he's capable of this. So nasty.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/03/22 04:44 PM
12

I absolutely love this. Beautiful energy. Thank you for sharing it with us!!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/03/22 04:42 PM
6

They absolutely are agents of chaos, intentionally (unlike, say, severe ADD folks). I've noticed the ones I've met have a chaos medium. For one, it was time - constantly changing schedules, events, availability, etc. You never knew if you were coming or going. And then you were vulnerable to their manipulation in your confusion (and the social isolation that results when you're constantly showing up for the last 10 minutes of an event ... or arriving a day early). Another one, the medium of chao…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/03/22 04:09 PM
12

OP. Stop. You're the other woman. You told his wife (essentially) to run her off. You succeeded in "winning" him all for yourself. Because you're showing quite a bit of NLOG here, and I assume that drove this, you assumed he'd not cheat on you (I guess you're more seggsual than her?). You were wrong. You do not have the golden magic tunnel of love that converts a cheater's heart to a heart of gold. He continues to do him. You stick around for the ride, rather than accept that you ARE like other …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/03/22 04:03 PM
7

It's like they've never heard of Aqua Tofana and its comparable black-market networks over the millenia....
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/03/22 03:51 PM
17

This. This is the quality of men I grew up with and finally - second time around - married. I would argue that it doesn't make any sense to marry someone who provides less than this level of care in a crisis. A lesser partner will be a millstone around your ankle as you slog through life's tougher vallies.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/03/22 03:51 PM
27

Wow. WOW. I'm curious about the chronic problems now. Does he cook her food? Has he been tampering with it? The fact that he put all this effort into presenting "games" like it's a "fun activitity to do together" solely to get her to sign *something*... I hope she snoops through everything and leaves ASAP. Her life is in danger.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/03/22 03:32 PM
26

A lot of men find it easier to be nice when their power differential isn't being challenged. This is an enjoyable video, though.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/03/22 03:28 PM
39

I assume we are celebrating? This is a post about horrible people taking themselves out of the gene pool at no additional cost to society or their local organizations. What a massive win for us all!!!! Let us hope he and his friend never change.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/03/22 03:10 PM
171

I think the gap that we are all super reluctant to acknowledge is that (a) there are, statistically, a LOT of people with non-functional frontal lobe wiring around mirroring and bonding (what we call psychopaths), and (b) statistically, at least so far, there are about four times as many men with this condition as women, and (c) you can't cure or fix these people. It's really terrifying to realize that there are a lot of bodies without souls walking around out there (one old theory I read was th…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/03/22 03:01 PM
76

"So, like, I have acquired a great Vaj and the accompanying accoutrements and life support systems that come with such things. Unfortunately, I think my unit is pretty touchy. It was malfunctioning the other day, so, like a responsible Vaj owner, I took it to the shop for repairs. Now, my own family is saying I am, like, NOT a responsible Vaj owner because I did not sit there and wait for the repairs to be completed. Well, and also because this model doesn't have the same instruction set as the …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/03/22 02:53 PM
1

Exactly.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/03/22 02:47 PM
2

That's true, there is that element as well. That might be some of it, but quite a few of these folks I know IRL who ask if there's a men's day ... are women. Frustrating.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/03/22 02:45 PM
22

I wish we'd stop. We're seen as consumables, and we just put ourselves and our assets out there to be consumed. And then we hope these predators will see us differently when we act even more like the consumables they think we are? I love that FDS encourages us to vet anyone before they get access to anything we have to offer. And this kind of twitter roasting with cold, bare facts is the beautiful icing on top.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/22 08:23 PM
10

I suspect the biggest gaps are not denied pay raises, but not hiring women for higher paying roles. For the airlines, I'd imagine that translates to a largely male pilot staff, and a largely female flight attendant staff. Maybe they'll figure out how to find more female pilots if this sort of scrutiny continues!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/22 08:21 PM
74

To be frank, I honestly suspect that about half of those searches are women. I've run into a lot of keyboard warriors hoping men get their own special day today, and have been - as I am every year - surprised at how many are women. It is utterly exhausting. Also, I do not need a day (unless we want to change it to "Men's Day to Clean the House, Do the Dishes and Put the Children to Bed," which is actually likely to help quite a few of my friends). I have a list of things I would like, none of wh…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/22 08:16 PM
14

This. I always want to scream when it's pointed out that "for some reason" women are the gender overwhelmingly diagnosed with autoimmune disease and other chronic, stress-related illnesses. Its because most working mothers are scheduled to the 9s 24 hours a day. If they need a break? The family has to drum up funding to outsource the work because that's still easier than hoping dad will step in, do it, and do it passably. I remember being puzzled at all the pushback at how hard being a mom is (p…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/22 08:10 PM
33

She's 100% not wrong, but this still kind of breaks my heart. One of the mistakes a lot of us make when we work with abuse victims is exactly what this judge is doing: we ask them to substitute our control in place of their abuser's control. Instead what we should be doing is guiding them to get back in touch with their own selves, their own instincts, their own innate acts of resistance and rebellion. Because *she* actually does know her abuser, so her instincts as to his reactions and her own …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/22 07:57 PM
12

I've found that all men assume that all other men have exactly the identical sexu@l proclivities of the individual man pontificating. Is he into short brunettes in thick eyeliner? He will lecture every single woman he encounters as if all other men in the universe also primarily are drawn to short brunettes in thick eyeliner. Does he secretly live for the experience of rubbing two party balloons together? He's firmly convinced, deep in his soul, that if they released their inner inhibitions, eve…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/22 06:14 PM
5

He's a good way to see into the minds of psychopathic, angry men. A lot of them do think this way. A lot of men generally are encouraged by their male peers to think this way. If you have to handle / work around them (hopefully for a finite period of time), some of his "tactics" can work. I've liked the books simply because I can point the more "pickme" of friends toward them and they will eagerly start them and then .... pause. Even if they like the clarity of what he's saying, his degrading to…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/22 06:09 PM
12

A couple bits of info for future use if anyone comes across these types of things. The single demographic at highest risk of being targeted is a 14-year-old-girl. These stories bear that out. If you hear of anyone soliciting a minor (including these girls), you can report them to the FBI and a number of other entities anonymously to report these predators. Please do: https://www.fbi.gov/investigate/violent-crime/cac https://www.justice.gov/psc If you are a mother and have discovered the father o…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/22 06:00 PM
9

I cannot stop laughing!!! This is amazing.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/22 05:44 PM
23

I wouldn't consider this 100% a green or red flag (I didn't even realize which day it was). My very dangerous first husband always used it as an excuse to reach out to his female colleagues with a "Happy International Women's Day!" Great chance to look like a great guy while also boosting their awareness of him. That said, if a guy throws the usually hissy fit over it, of course that's a problematic behavior. You need someone with a basic maturity level.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/22 05:43 PM
1

Are any men having to change traditionally male-specific terms? I can't think of any? Pen1s-havers?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/22 05:35 PM
1

Absolutely this. I always commented when I see movies where the child protagonist's mother is "de@d" or "k111ed" at the beginning of the movie. It's society's implicit acknowledgment of mothers as the primary agent of safety in a child's life (a common reality that our more formal structures - courts, doctors, etc. - often pretend not to notice). I was proud of my son when he mentioned that he didn't want to take his daughter to see a new movie. Why? "They k111 her mom off in the beginning. I re…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/22 05:31 PM
26

YES! She's a great model for the incel crowd! This is how you have high standards and still don't 6u|\| down a movie theater for not meeting your high standards! She's even on airplanes daily and manages zero incidents, despite facing a lifetime of singleness! Great role model for these gentlemen to emulate, tbh.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/03/22 09:18 PM
55

Honestly even the height is perfectly reasonable. I think it's not 5'7", which is the dogwhistle for the toxic guys under 5'4" to lie and gaslight and threaten you for not agreeing with them that they're actually 5'7" ... so they're mad. But I think it's the bold 8" request (and the implication that men of this size actually exist, so even if she didn't state the standard, she'd be rejecting these more average men at some point) that's really got them going. I'm looking for the eventual guy tryi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/03/22 09:15 PM
84

Because she has standards they can't lie about convincingly. Height is visible. 5'10" is an infinitely reasonable height standard in most regions of the globe. 8" is going to be something she can feel through his fly during a long hug. It's a bit less common, but she knows it will weed out a lot of the crowd and has accepted that. they're mad because they're the ones weeded out. If they were able to meet her standards, they'd be thrilled by them + the lesser amount of competition they face.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/03/22 09:12 PM
40

The whole "men are simple creatures" doesn't make historical sense either. Historically, women were grieving the deaths of their babies (how they didn't all have chronic PPD is beyond me) and then dying in childbirth. Everything we see structurally that is more than 100+ years old is non-mothered women (a small small demographic pre-birth control) and men. Everything we see is pretty complicated. Ergo men can't be *that* simple.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/03/22 09:09 PM
139

Exactly! It's nasty to all mothers, brutal to single mothers, tortuous to impoverished mothers, and a death sentence to battered mothers. I haven't met a single actual mother who finds the dropping birth rate in the west even remotely puzzling. We've even written books on it. "Wifework" by Susan Maushart is a perfectly reasonable takedown of why western motherhood is inhumane. But no. So puzzling. Why no more screechy baby cutes for the wife to raise while I man in the cubicle office manly paych…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/03/22 08:57 PM
65

OMG, this made me shout in public! :D Savage and I LOVE IT. They should know. You're right. It really is unforgivable.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/03/22 08:54 PM
12

I've heard of a few lesbian couples in our broader circle of acquaintances doing something similar. Definitely can work!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/02/22 07:25 PM
111

I wondered that too. This feels like a weird push to somehow legitimize an already existing affair. But that would depend on her sister and it also seems like a lot of work to go to for something a psychopath of this caliber could easily groom and excuse away.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/02/22 07:25 PM
48

What's the over-under on him having a secret vasectomy in his past?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/02/22 07:24 PM
54

He's a psychopath and a sadist.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/02/22 07:23 PM
48

No, she's likely trapped. Does she live with him? What's the cost to her if she refuses to pay? Will he get her fired? Hit her? Steal the money anyway (or maybe that's what he did)? She was already hiding the money. How much are we betting that she didn't "confess" - he had trackers on her computer and found that she had the stash. he doesn't tell us why she suddenly felt she had to confess something she felt strongly enough about to save TWENTY-TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS - AN ENTIRE YEAR OF EARNINGS.…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/02/22 06:54 PM
18

OMG. No. Has she been warned? can anyone send me the un-redacted screenshots? It would be nice if she got an anonymous email / message with these in it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/02/22 06:45 PM
1

Decades in F50 corporate world here. Everything you've described yourself doing is 100% normal, standard small talk. You're fine. I'd also recommend not seeking out corporate advice from people who haven't worked in that environment. It's its own world (and run in a rather psychopathic way, despite the large numbers of perfectly normal people involved). It has its own politics and rules. Susan down the street who was SAHM for 12 years and is now receptionist at her local dentist's office probabl…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/02/22 06:37 PM
12

I'm not sure why she's puzzled. This is even worse than the guys who don't ask her out. They say, "no p^$$+ is worth crazy." This guy said, "Hey, she's a psycho, and I hate her, but she's still got h01es! Let's give it a try until something better comes along. If she's this cray on every date she has, I have way less competition with her than I do with my other prospect." That or he got her confused with one of the 20 other women he's talking to. (FWIW, I don't think she's crazy. She's actually …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/02/22 06:27 PM
32

Sooooooo.... No. Let's assume they're in the US, given the immediate assumption that healthcare prices justify "desperate measures." A cycle of IVF is around $12-15,000. Assume 2-3 cycles. A caesarian section birth is $23K (Insurance may cover some, but assume you're out of pocket $15K, give or take). A V-birth is around $3-4,000 out of pocket with insurance. More if there are complications, NICU, pelvic floor therapy or reconstructive surgery, Doula, Midwife, etc. People don't have kids because…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/02/22 06:25 PM
26

Don't apologize. I hate apologies. If it had been done properly the first time, you wouldn't need to apologize. If you can't control how it was done the first time, why are you apologizing? Go be useful and police the men around you in your personal life and world, in male only spaces where my voice is unheard and unwelcome.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/02/22 05:55 PM
109

I'm going to start doing this. Societally, everytime a single woman does something negative, it's #allwomen. Everything a man does something negative, it's #notallmen. Everytime a man gathers an entire research team to invent the lightbulb, then slaps his name on their results and gets credit for their invention in the history books, it's #allmen invented the world and that's why they run it (to the detriment of all women, inexplicably).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/02/22 05:53 PM
54

This feels self-evident. Simply because safe men see that a space is for women and escort themselves out. By their inherent nature, men who seek admission to a woman-centered, woman-only space are highly unsafe men. Any allyship and supportive work men want to do to help women *needs* to be done in areas that contain other men. To make other spaces into "safe spaces" that do include men, safe men would go to the current male-inclusive spaces and work to make those safe for women. They'd turn dow…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/02/22 05:41 PM
12

Such excellent advice!!! Take my award. :) This, OP, all the way.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/02/22 06:28 PM
9

It sounds like you're on the right track. Certainly you want access to paperwork like his car title, house title, etc. You want all the back tax paperwork. I agree with posts about getting access to what you can now, while spousal privilege would apply, you can call around with his last name, etc. If you can log into his bank and credit card accounts now and download / print out the past year (or more - since you've been separated + one year prior to separation) of his statements - print every p…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/02/22 06:03 PM
8

I've noticed they always expect her to eventually channel that same "passionate" energy toward them and their emotions and their goals ... it's never the guys turning around to focus on and support the girlfriend's passion. So I'd read it as, "Do you have the ability to fully immerse yourself into something so intensely that you rather lose sight of / neglect the remainder of your own life? Because someday I plan to be that "something" and want to make sure you're primed and ready for that. (Alt…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/02/22 05:49 PM
13

The male equivalent of women's MLMs.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/02/22 05:44 PM
14

I'd clarify whether he's a commercial pilot for a major airline, where this becomes likely. If he's a private pilot, he's not going to have quite the rotating crew. He will have a different set of schedules and expectations. You'll spend a lot of time alone, and the opportunities to cheat are there, but not quite as easy. If he's a sport or hobby pilot, he just loves planes and you're going to spend most of your weekends out on a small airport tarmac watching him nerd out with all other airplane…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/02/22 05:44 PM
13

You can always ask which state Bar he is a member of. Or where he took the Bar Exam. Or just check the online list of members for the state Bar where (a) he went to law school, and (b) he lives. If he's not on there, he's probably lying.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/02/22 05:41 PM
16

Look his company up on Glassdoor.com You'll need to create an account for full access, but it's free. Check the listed salaries for his supposed type of work at his specific company.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/02/22 05:36 PM
38

I'm struggling a bit to be diplomatic as I sense some ... surprise? ... in the post and comments. Men lie to get laid. They've done that for thousands of years. It's never going to change. Men on OLD also lie to get laid. They know they'll get more swipes as a lawyer or doctor than as a mid-level data entry tech at a medium size company that gives them two 15-minute breaks a day. They're not on there to find a wife, so they don't have to worry about getting caught. Every single woman here should…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/02/22 05:30 PM
33

I'd be willing to bet if I trotted out a guy who could put a woman on a private plane this evening, a solid chunk of even FDS demographics would take him up on it whether it was romantic or not. I'd be tempted for sure and it wouldn't be a new experience for me - it's just a lot of fun. Having worked in TV journalism briefly (so many people will do almost anything if it gets them on camera) and married a handsome guy (NVM) from an established family the first time around, I can assure you that t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 05:13 PM
162

I couldn't either. This is not how a man sustains a marriage. What got me was that she's pregnant. Even at five months, being flexible enough to do a lot of the stuff she's mentioning is going to be painful and uncomfortable for your torso / back / new center of balance, etc. And pregnancy nausea can be an entirely different level of hell. If this is how he handles her not centering him in their relationship now, wait until her entire existence centers around keeping her newborn fed, clean, rest…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 04:55 PM
2

:D It's been around 20-30 men over the years (I've been to Scotland a few times for work, which probably drove the number up). I can't do michelin with that, but maybe some Chili's? IDK, it's been awhile.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 04:47 PM
8

His entire blog is worth a read, y'all. Good stuff.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 03:12 PM
12

I agree. And what you describe sounds so very healthy. Thank you for adding this perspective to the conversation. I hate how LL has been twisted to help toxic men exploit more people faster.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 03:11 PM
13

Technically, selling a fake brand is illegal, yes. I'm not sure it's a feminist issue, tbh. Is it relevant to female liberation as a class? Does it play into female safety? I'm also not sure how it plays into dating or love-life strategy? I think there are a few Bag Blogs or purse / fashion forums where this is a top topic, and perhaps will solicit more involved feedback? My worry here is that this will turn into a group of women weaponized against women (pickmes vs non, etc.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 03:08 PM
86

This. I wish we could mobilize and boycott en-mass as a gendered class. Guys like this. Streaming platforms like Hulu for the Pamela Anderson movie. Woody Allen movies.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 03:00 PM
36

That's such a great one. A variation is to watch the initial, knee jerk reaction when you do something painful that also looks a bit silly (slip on ice, stumble down stairs, etc.). Is his immediate reaction to laugh or mock? Or is it to check on you and make sure you're okay (even if he's laughing later)? That little test was posted on facebook a decade ago and blew me away. It's never once steered me wrong since.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 02:58 PM
25

This is an excellent point about HVM. Wining and dining can be an experienced conman / NVM tactic too, but it won't be tailored to or customized to you, and he won't recall a lot of the smaller things you've shared about yourself. My husband's second date idea was to go find a foldable kayak because he'd been hearing me say to all our friends that I really wanted to try one. I show up dressed for sport that morning (HVM will always let you know enough for you to dress appropriately and comfortab…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 02:48 PM
13

I wouldn't ask for his views. A lot of men change them to fit the woman they're talking to. If you're in the US, just look up how he's registered to vote / how he voted. These are public records, often available online. If politics is of this level of importance to you, this will also help you weed out men for whom it's not even important enough to register to vote. Which is a win-win-win.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 02:37 PM
3

I'd be careful. A lot of men know this is a vetting tool and will say things about their mother (or set their mother apart from other women). There are also some moms who aren't great to their kids and you may run into that occasionally as well without it saying a lot about him. The way he talks about or treats his mom says less than how his dad treats women. I've always found it more predictive to ask about his parents' relationship with each other, his dad's other girlfriends (if he's horrifie…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 02:34 PM
39

I wish I could upvote this a billion times. If you're suddenly crippled by anxiety when you're with him, you're not sure why, but it was never this bad before you were together ... leave. Get. Out. If the anxiety gets better within a few months of you leaving, it was him. Your subconscious was trying to protect you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 02:30 PM
27

I absolutely agree. I think this is where we take a page from the men's books and: (a) if it's not harming us to do so, we stubbornly stay in our friend's lives, whispering in their ears, (b) we "coach" each other (well, we coach them) on "how to get girls" but instead, it's "how to identify a good guy and not get cuffed by a user".... I'm confident that you've got this. And hey, if she's with a POS, you know that moment is coming when he's been horrible, she's hurting, she's started to vent in …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 02:23 PM
46

I also hope young women take away the underlying message of the show, which is much bigger than one con man and three young women. The real moral is: If you're a man and your money is taken by a man, that man is pursued with a vengeance by the long arm of the law. His name becomes synonymous with "psychopath" and his entire family is driven out of normal society. (Think: Bernie Madoff.) If you're a woman and your money is taken by a man, nothing much happens. AmEx may get its justice for it's lo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 02:11 PM
5

If I had a dollar for every guy told me he refused to finish the Outlander series because of the male r@%e scene in it, I'd be able to buy myself a fairly satisfying meal at a mid-level chain restaurant. They absolutely recognize it as horrific and wrong when they see it happening to people. They just don't think women are people.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 04:44 AM
28

I think he's a NVM trying to pass as a bumbling LVM. See drink spiking above and exploitative film production for profit now. P1mp-types are always NVM.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 04:41 AM
9

It enrages me that men are making money off of her body and her humiliation. I refuse to watch this. Maybe if enough people cancel their Hulu subscription (is it on the other streaming platforms? I don't think it is.), we won't see this sort of exploitative "revenge p0r# type of media as often?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 04:40 AM
335

She needs to rehome while he's out and tell him the husky ran off. This is so far beyond basic human limits of what a mother of 2 under 2 can handle in one 24-hour day. This marriage doesn't sound sustainable. She sounds babytrapped. TWO kids in a two year time span? Her body hasn't even begun to recover from baby #1, and she is holding baby #2. And the second she's weaned baby #1 and starting to potty train baby #2 (oh, god, is that a light at the end of the tunnel?), he demands baby 3 then get…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 04:35 AM
129

Because men in power don't. They acquired power so they could have more access to more women with fewer consequences and boundaries. And women in power often lack the leverage (or desire) to care about other women, which is why they were granted that power in the first place. It's vital for us to remember: we may pay the same taxes as men, but we do not have the same access to our culture's protective infrastructure that those taxes prop up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 04:30 AM
63

I want to be friends with the dutch girl! She cracked me up, I loved her joy in giving him a taste of his own medicine.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 04:26 AM
72

I third this. A lot of bravery and courage here, on the part of all the women featured and the filmmaker Felicity Morris as well. This is a story that they've already told once, to the newspapers, and again to the TVs. They hoped that would get this guy put away and ... nah. The mostly-male infrastructure of law and justice did not care (or, I suspect, found this guy inspiring and admirable on some level). And yet Morris and they were brave enough to armor up one more time, sit down, and tell th…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 04:24 AM
28

"poooooooolyaaaamoreeeeeeeee!!!"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 04:14 AM
32

Men like this *are* extremely dangerous, I agree. If you can avoid reproducing with them, by all means, do so. For a lot of women, that's not an option any more, or it may never have been. Not all NVM are as easy to sus out as we like to think. Not all women trapped with them get to choose much around reproductive activities or prevention. Advocating for legal and societal infrastructures that allow mothers like this to *still* parent safely and well is vital for exactly that reason. Resorting t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 04:13 AM
21

I don't understand this interest in "glowing up" where your ex can see you. It's similar to "winning" a divorce. This stuff hurts/enrages your ex and you are going to end up paying for it ... maybe not right away, but in peace of mind and freedom long-term. If you're leaving anyone, but especially a cluster B, OMG for all that is holy, be as boring as humanly possible. The oversized, wrong-color, out of style clothes that make you look exhausted and heavy? Set an outfit or two of those aside and…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 04:07 AM
14

I'm glad to see a description of a normal marriage and dating relationship here. Yay! Thanks for sharing this. These guys do exist and they tend to be kind to everyone.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 04:03 AM
19

Okay, no. This doesn't even merit a coherent, thought-out response. No. Yank her/his license.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/22 04:01 AM
160

I remember literally having a guy recoil when I suggested he get a vasectomy if he doesn't want kids. "Why would I do that? She can just go on the pill." "Pills are horrible, though." "WHAT?! You just pop one in your mouth every day. How is that bad?" If a bill for mandatory male birth control - the kind that was already tested and yanked when it had FEWER side effects than the released female birth control - were in play, I would personally become a 24/7 lobbyist in its favor. I think men reall…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/02/22 11:12 PM
4

I've seen a pattern over the years where a woman will get a promotion and then suddenly, her man will also get a ... job/promotion/whatever ... that requires them all to move or requires him to travel a lot. Suddenly her environment changes or her overall household workload increases. It's mindblowing how often I've seen this over the years.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/02/22 09:31 PM
3

These men were already abusers. They're just escalating to hitting now that she will be home and no one will see the bruises for awhile. Their victims can't get away to work or take a break when he goes to work, so their stress levels are staying high 24/7 and it's breaking them down physically and emotionally. That affects their ability to cater to him, defer to him, and get all the work done.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/02/22 09:29 PM
7

Hmmm... why does she have a backdoor channel of communication with the guy? Why so worried about whether she should tell him? Why do I have a feeling her friend isn't going to welcome this news from her, specifically?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/02/22 06:31 PM
39

Life support systems for holes aren't always wired for emotional function. [/s]
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/02/22 06:18 PM
120

I hope there are more comments saying this that I'm not seeing.... This isn't a bid to "wait" for the guy who sees *YOU* as "his twu wuv!!" There is no woman this man truly loves. HEAR THAT. This is what an emotionally avoidant attachment pattern looks like. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/avoidant-personality-disorder When this man gets the woman he wants - any woman he "really" loves - he's going to subject her to the same try-and-miss game that he's putting OP through. No one he…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/02/22 06:15 PM
5

I think that it's a chicken/egg thing where men are concerned. The gap between what culture offers/creates for women vs. what women need/want/create for ourselves is HUGE. Because historically, we've been busy doing the pregnant/birth/fourth trimester/pregnant/birth/grieve your ded child/pregnant/birth/fourth trimester from the time we were 14 years old until we died in child birth in our 30s (or until we hit menopause in our late 40s/early 50s). We were not in the culture-making seats of power,…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/02/22 02:54 PM
5

Yep. There was a post in the blended families sub a year or two ago where the dad - who sounded pretty high-value, tbh - was saying that when he looks at his wife, he knows he will be showing up and toeing the line (he used other words, but that was the gist) because "She ditched the last guy, so I know she has it in her!" That's always stuck with me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/02/22 02:38 PM
35

I get this. There's a kind of unavoidable, immutable cognitive dissonance for straight women between the truths of radical feminism and the biological drives we possess. It is what it is. I love that FDS is a fairly safe place for us to explore that. FDS is sort of radfem-for-straight-women. And as someone who loved the truths and blatant honesty of the original radfem movement, but often found myself trashed for expressing any interest in men / affection for my sons, etc., I found it hard to ca…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/02/22 06:45 PM
17

Eh. I have a lot of opinions about their bodies too. But I was raised well-enough that I keep them to myself.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/02/22 04:35 PM
1

Frankly, I'd want to move there even if it weren't so woman-friendly. I've never photographed such other-worldly landscape beauty in my life. It's utterly humbling. I've been 7 times and hope to spend summers there once I'm retired and in the empty-nester phase. Closest thing to heaven on the planet - no wonder it produced such a great leader!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/02/22 04:32 PM
2

You're not wrong at all. That's a good point. The folks I've seen it work for are usually moms who have already been through the system for years, have been run over by it several times, and are willing to play literally any game under the sun to keep their kids safe from very real threats. You tell them to put X somewhere, they will put X somewhere. But you're right, they didn't enter the system that way, and it's a willingness to comply with legal rules that comes after time and horrendous exp…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/02/22 04:27 PM
39

Robin Roberts says this and a few other gems on her Masterclass series. I highly recommend it - it's really a masterclass in mentally and emotionally healthy approaches to life. Worth the time to listen.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/02/22 04:22 PM
24

Oh, wow. Sending hugs. Don Hennessy does an absolutely brilliant and incisive job taking these men's mental processes apart in "How He Gets Into Her Head: the Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser." Please give it a look-through. I bet you find a lot of other traits that ring a bell. Your instincts here sound spectacular, by the way. Well-done. It sounds like you sensed something was off. You asked, knowing his answer would tell you something about *him* and his view of the world. His answer did. You…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/02/22 04:18 PM
9

Additional sources: The Worst Interest of the Child - https://www.amazon.com/Worst-Interests-Child-Trafficking-Children/dp/0981611486 The Batterer as Parent (Lundy Bancroft) - https://www.amazon.com/Batterer-Parent-Addressing-Domestic-Violence/dp/1412972051 Oganizations working against this (not sure much headway has been possible, but they produce excellent content): One Mom's Battle: https://www.onemomsbattle.com/ The Court Says: https://thecourtsaid.org/ Miscellaneous coverage: https://wamu.o…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/01/22 04:14 PM
31

Thank you for this additional background ... I was thinking it was just the musty old "free love" of the 70's repackaged, but it sounds like it's worse: women didn't want to repackage it so men said, "Well, I'm gonna keep my part of this grossness going." This inspired me to pop out an online Bible. We had a bible thumping neighbor in my teens, and she was fond of reciting a verse everytime a teen (usually us girls) had their dates around. it always comes to mind when I see these OLD statements:…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/01/22 07:54 PM
21

God, I'm so sorry. Thank you for this context. It's unbelievable the lengths a lot of men will go to to ensure they won't have to impose limits on their own sexual behavior.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/01/22 07:49 PM
34

this! also connect her with the Chump Lady Blog. It's an amazing resource for people leaving due to infidelity.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/01/22 07:45 PM
51

I want to validate your choice. After a horrible exploitative best-friend friendship with a hilarious, fun, sister-from-another-mister, it dawned on me that she'd hit on every boyfriend I'd had. That she never paid back a single loan. That she gatekept my other female friendships with a vengeance. And she was now trying to date MY BOSS (he was married) because she was with me when I ran into him at the grocers, and decided he was cute. This friend had a looooooooooong series of married men she'd…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/01/22 07:27 PM
303

We really need some of these younger gals in tech to form an all-female radfem Anonymous. Get some woman-friendly hacktivism going on. Crash the dating apps for 24 hours. Force men to mentally face 24 hours of no online p00n-swiping buffet. You want it? You gotta walk up and have a convo in person. Shower first.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/01/22 07:19 PM
124

I loved this!! I feel this way reading a lot of male travel blogs. "Solo travel through {names iffy place for women} was glorious! Everyone is so friendly. My driver took me home for dinner to meet his family - improptu - and the food was amazing! Just smile, guys. I ended up in a 40-bed hostel full of guys from all over the world and it was a little noisy, but slept like the dead! Then I hitch hiked between [sex trafficking capital] and [sex trafficking capital #2] on Tuesday and met Joe, who w…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/01/22 06:41 PM
11

Hugh Hefner was openly into men, pre-Playboy. Whether gay or bi, I don't know. But he clearly looked at women and male attraction to women, and instead of relating, thought, "I could monetize this by reflecting male sexuality back to them, but as they want to see themselves, not as they look to others." And so he created Playboy. It's fascinating how he's held up as the ultimate alpha male guy, when he was really a gay/bi man parodying hetero male sexuality (and then selling that parody back to …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/01/22 06:33 PM
10

yes, it gets worse. yes it's always a losing game. Yes, you're going to have to leave eventually. yes, leaving is hard and definitely scary. yes, you're going to survive this and be so thankful you left someday. Yes, you'll have a wonderful, satisfying future, and wish you'd left sooner so you could have gotten to it a bit more quickly. Sending you hugs and best wishes as you figure this out.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/01/22 06:22 PM
88

That was ... vomit-inducing. I'm hopefully some of the younger posters can help me understand. I'm an old fogey who associates this sort of key party behavior with my parent's generation and finds it old, uncool and gross. But: a. is this cool now? b. is it still like key parties type stuff? committed swinger couples (they step out on each other with the same other couples every time, by agreement)? Because what I seem to be seeing is just a man refusing to get his junk out of the community spac…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/01/22 05:58 PM
118

The bud light is highly offensive, tbh. The rest of it looks awesome. Kittens are so cute!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/22 06:02 PM
254

Iceland's President for their ban is an absolute Queen of Queens. Enjoy this energy from her response to opponents of the strip club ban: ​ "I guess the men of Iceland will just have to get used to the idea that women are not for sale." https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/mar/25/iceland-most-feminist-country
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/22 05:43 PM
12

These are men I went on 1-3 dates with, never slept with, who didn't (to my knowledge) lie to anyone in our friend group about us sleeping together either. I'd known them through friends (this is when OLD was still something fringe that most people wouldn't touch). So when I texted them to say, "Hey, I think you're an amazing person, and I'm so disappointed to say this, but the chemistry just isn't there for me," they were fairly gracious, we quit going out, and I gave them space for quite some …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/22 05:35 PM
23

I get your emotional position here. I agree with it. I've taken the same stance in areas outside the dating world, and I respect what you're trying to do. It just became crystal clear to me, at age 26, wandering our neighborhood at midnight covered in bruises while my abusive then-husband continued to party with his guy friends at our house ... that nothing I could do would change another adult human, let alone an entire culture. And my own emotional energy was badly, badly needed for just mysel…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/22 05:26 PM
15

It was heartbreaking to see Jessica Ann Pin's hard work to call out FGM in the recent medical diagram of a WOC and baby that went viral. She's clearly pointing out that it's showing a circumsized cl1toris, not an absent c1itoris. She's asking that medical textbooks educate doctors on how to care for non-tortured women. She's been absolutely slammed for criticizing an illustration that shows a WOC in a medical illustration. Of course, one of the youtube videos that started playing randomly last w…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/22 05:16 PM
23

I think we have to be careful here. Intersectional feminism demands a certain amount of self-discipline to retain our balance (it's not fair, but it's what works). I always have men wanting to join intersectional feminist groups because "men of our group face oppression too." they're not inherently wrong, women are excited at the idea of male allies. EVERY SINGLE TIME, the guys will have - literally, the record is 14 minutes post-admission - tried to separate the women into groups (by race, reli…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/22 05:03 PM
29

I think too you can't underestimate generational knowledge. Someone has an edge when they've grown up in a lifestyle and then received their parents' and extended family's generational knowledge and behaviors to add to their early observations. I see it all the time in finance. Are women better at decisions with money? Yes. less impulsive? Yes. Better read? Often. Why are men doing better if we look at net worth? Salary gap and career choice doesn't account for it. What does is generational weal…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/22 04:54 PM
7

If he's entirely out of the picture, she's fine. Single moms (when we control for poverty and prior DV) raise kids that are indistinguishable from kids in happy two-parent homes (which this guy would never have created). They have 7 hours LESS housework a week without a man in the house. They report more sleep. They report more happiness. And they live longer than married mothers. She is relatively lucky, your friend. Maybe introduce her to FDS or Zawn Villienes' blog and help her adjust her min…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/22 03:36 PM
4

I've heard "high value male" randomly in the wild at least four times in the past month. From non-FDS folks, men and women. And Teens. I'd say it's entered the global lexicon at this point.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/22 03:10 PM
48

ETA: Pro tip: statistically, abusive men are far far more likely to request (and then get) sole custody than are healthy men. The odds of a molestor who requests sole custody of his victim getting it are around 85%. The odds of a batterer who requests sole custody getting it are over 70%. A man with sole custody is statistically likely to be an abuser (and before you say he's different, his wife is a drunk or druggie .... women leaving abusers are statistically highly likely to suffer from an ad…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/22 03:00 PM
24

I really enjoyed this. Like Reaux (Or Lillith? my ear for voices is horrible), I rather enjoyed figuring out office politics. The MOST powerful tactic I've ever seen women deploy in the workplace (usually in conjunction with managing not to make female enemies) is turning men against each other. And not over her, not with jealousy over a woman. Over work, credit, job titles, etc. The men head butt, battle, knock each other out and as they sweep their ashes out the door, there she is poised, read…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/22 02:47 PM
35

And learning to work on a team. The young women who volunteer in our regional kids' groups who are very active on a sports team and have been for years? They're far and away better at leadership, influence, group skills, friendships, politics, social skills ... everything across the board. I LOVE working along side them, and they're the reason all of my girls have had to pick a sport (or any team activity on a women-only team) and dedicate themselves to excellence in it over years. I think this …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/01/22 02:38 PM
15

Possible, but a lot of men actually don't know. If he wasn't a veteran of a long hetero relationship (or a lot of encounters), he may not have had occasion to clean blood out of linens before. He should know now, at least. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/22 10:12 PM
37

Virginity people are the one religious group that always squicks me all the way out. At least you found out in time to make a run for it!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/22 10:11 PM
42

Girl, that's not a mama's boy. That's a loser. I hope you dumped him with the quickness. What's his dad's attitude about women and housework? I bet he grew up seeing his dad always dump the housework on his poor wife. He expected you to be cool with him using mom as his personal laundress for his ladies because someday he fully planned to do the same with you (although you probably would have to do some sleuthing to figure out it wasn't *your* period stain he wanted you to wash next time).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/22 10:03 PM
51

Gross. This reminds me of "Last Night in Soho" ... anything men are pushing you toward, recommending for you, really really really invested in you "keeping an open mind" about ... the primary beneficiary is them. Always. Somehow.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/22 10:00 PM
88

You don't even have to say you let everything burn. Actually burn it. Insist that it's not that bad. Insist he try it. I did this everytime I was single (despite being a decent cook). 10/10 - highly recommend. It's not going to scare away every iffy dude, but it will catch quite a few of them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/22 09:57 PM
95

I never pass up a chance to post this wonderful, truthful, so very accurate article for any lurkers who may be thinking it's a moral argument that's causing us to be so harsh: https://emmalindsay.medium.com/porn-makes-men-terrible-in-bed-6e4df5f73200
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/22 08:20 PM
65

There is something hierarchical in a lot of men's worldviews that I don't think can be turned off. I means that they're never going to see you as their equal and will do anything to ensure that - in a world where equality can't exist - they're on a rank that's above your rank. I think the best we can do is screen for men who are self-aware of this tendency and do their best to set it aside at home, among family / women. Of course, when they go to work (especially if it's a political-gamesmanship…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/22 08:13 PM
9

This. I'd go so far as to say that a qualified trauma therapist (who knows what they're seeing and won't have biased knee jerk reactions to you violating cultural stereotypes around motherhood and victimhood and femininity) to walk with you through recovery and hold your hand is a MUST. It's easy to spiral yourself into a mental break that leaves you forever a little bit stuck - I've seen it happen to so many fellow survivors over the decades. A good trauma therapist says, "Anger is a normal rea…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/22 05:01 PM
12

And it's almost never over what he's claiming to be mad over. It's usually something like him screaming about how you loaded the pans in the dishwasher or didn't pick up the living room. Eventually your subconscious registers that he's going to get mad about these things .... when you talked to your close girl friends in the prior 24 hours in his hearing. Or when you just lost 5 pounds on your new diet. Or when you got promoted at work. It's not overt though, so you just find yourself not talkin…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/22 04:52 PM
15

It's not his place to order another adult's behavior. He was speaking to you like a kindergarten teacher ordering her class to walk to cafeteria. Disrespectful. I'm glad you cut him out.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/22 04:49 PM
45

It's extremely common for abusers to claim their partner committed DV against them. Even Lundy Bancroft mentions it a few times in his books. I'd recommend not dating any man who claims a woman abused him or battered him. Even if he's not lying, that's not a point of pride for anyone. And people shouldn't be leading with it for sympathy points from a potential romantic interest. Most men who get hit by women (like women who are hit by men who claim to love them), are embarrassed and ashamed and …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/22 04:25 PM
18

As a woman who lived this (aside from the poverty and three jobs), I'm in tears. When I first married in the late '90s to my first husband, I remember sitting on my bed a week before the wedding wondering if one or two of his smaller quirks were actual red flags. I truly didn't know whether to take them seriously. I remember comforting myself with "What's the worst that could happen?" because in my sphere of knowledge, the worst that could happen was a divorce where you paid the lawyer a little …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/22 04:13 PM
9

I would hope every parent teaches their child the chores necessary for household maintenance. What puzzles me about this line of thinking is ... don't young men live outside their parents' house for quite some time prior to marrying these days? If so, wouldn't he have, like, a decade of self-care and home maintenance under his belt when you meet him? So you can presumably vet for this issue when you go to his house while you're dating? Does he care for it? Are he and his roommates squabbling abo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/01/22 05:17 AM
4

That sounds like more of a clusterB / antisocial PD issue and less of a male issue. Most of the more traditional LVM behavior we discuss here is the product of social conditioning and post-puberty hormonal influences on empathy / bonds. It's not going to show up in a boy that hasn't hit puberty yet (assuming his home life is fairly healthy).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/01/22 05:12 AM
18

Thank you for pointing this out. That was my first thought too. There's so much pressure to shift our stance of holding men responsible to - instead - holding a woman responsible for holding that man responsible MORE or BETTER or IN THE RIGHT WAY. We're always encouraged to adopt this by men as well, since it takes the heat off of them. And history shows that for all of the infighting among women that this causes, it ultimately changes nothing where men are concerned. Moms aren't the reason some…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/01/22 05:06 AM
5

I like Jackson Katz's work too. It's more focused on men, but he'd be a great person to have on to discuss porn, vetting for healthy masculinity in a guy, and how to raise healthy sons. His books do not hold back.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/01/22 03:47 AM
24

I agree. I know the party line here is to blame mom, but that doesn't line up with what I'm seeing in the world around me. It does seem to be largely cultural and driven by what the men around them praise / ridicule.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/01/22 03:39 AM
6

I totally get it, 100%. You're absolutely right. It feels like you've gone through the looking glass. The experts all say that no one can predict an abuser's next action as well as his current victim, and they say the most dangerous time in the relationship is when you try to leave ... and then they pathologize your hypervigilance around him during exactly that most dangerous time. And god forbid you be more accurate than they are while you're still with him ... if you're coping relatively well …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/01/22 03:37 AM
5

Absolutely my pleasure - she is hilarious!!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 09:45 PM
3

It's fascinating how fast men's interest changes when they realizing you won't ever be vacuuming their floors, isn't it?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 08:42 PM
2

I second this. It should be post #1 when it comes to deciding whether to stay or go.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 08:41 PM
1

That sounds deeply unhealthy. I'm glad you're out of there!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 08:31 PM
1

I suspect you'll have secret hopes for who your son dates and he will date women who do and who do not live up to them. You'll have your favorites and you'll have the ones you barely remember and you'll have the ones who immediately terrify you that they'll stick around and did you raise him wrong and what on earth is he thinking and do you have to invite her to the family BBQ where she's sure to have a screaming match with at least 2 people in the first hour? (Moms don't get to do the whole tox…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 08:28 PM
2

Okay, that's really creepy. I hope you bailed fast!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 08:12 PM
2

I would worry far more about this, too. It's much harder to vet for a horrible guy whose mother is trying to unload him. The stage 5 clingers can be identified within the first five dates. There's no excuse for marrying them/their sons.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 08:10 PM
4

Those are my roots also. It's men shifting their responsibilities. Instead of giving their wives respect and power, they shift that duty on to their children ("a child's salvation is at the feet of their mother") ... so then the sons are the ones burdened with duties toward his mom and the daughters having to live out the same cycle of being exploited with promises of one day having their own opportunity to "run the show." Of course, at the end of the day, men run the show. Dad doesn't have to h…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 08:08 PM
1

I think it's multi-faceted. First, I think we're conditioned from birth to compete with other women. When we adopt more feminist viewpoints, etc., we have to rewire those neurological circuits and re-route that emotional energy and a lot of us (me too) still jump on any societally acceptable (or feminist-approved) short cuts like: mother-in-laws, "Karens", pickmes, or other women grouped by race or politics or belief system, etc. That's not to say that there aren't horrible women out there, or t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 07:55 PM
2

I hear this - it's amazing, given the amount of predatory behavior women experience, that more mothers aren't dealing with this sort of trauma response when they raise kids. But I know how hard it can be to be heard and seen when one has an unhealthy mom - and I hear you. I hope it's not condescending to say that I see the strength and resilience that it takes for you to heal and rise when that's the level of care that your mother provided to you. You deserved better.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 07:31 PM
2

They weren't stunned because of their belief system - everyone in there would have fought tooth and nail for that outcome, gladly. If I had a dollar bill for every family lawyer I'd heard gush over a dad asking something rudimentary about his child "he is just so PURE!", I'd buy my own boat. Do not underestimate the size of the pickme army in the family law system. They were silent because she just cost them a lot of income by simply agreeing. Courts know mothers will bankrupt themselves for the…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 07:26 PM
2

You can often look up the county court site and check the case search function. Different counties publish different degrees of the case, but some have most of the divorce documentation. You can usually tell whether there are any real back and forth on custody, or if the couple simply agreed without trial time (which may be a financial decision - trials are easily in the $10K+/day range in many areas).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 07:24 PM
6

Yes. I've heard it phrased as "all the rights, none of the responsibilities."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 07:21 PM
1

I don't disagree, but also ... we blame mothers when men turn out a certain way... Why would mothers of daughters be exempt? Single moms? Married moms whose husbands override their parenting? The reality of single motherhood is that (a) moms who have the kids (no dad around) are usually dealing with poverty. Raising kids in poverty is HARD. (b) moms who don't have their kids are usually leaving abusers (abusers and molesters are statistically FAR more likely to request - and get - sole custody o…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 07:18 PM
3

I live in one of the most liberal, prosperous cities in the US. Our women's shelters have a 6-12 month waiting list. Perpetually.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 07:03 PM
6

Lundy Bancroft's books comment on this as well. That men will use substances as an excuse, but they're still not losing it on their boss or their neighbor or the man in the store who is twice their size. They're still in control until they choose not to be.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 07:03 PM
7

A personal pet peeve is conflating "codependency" with "survival." Women trapped with abusers have coping mechanisms that facilitate their survival with a predator in a war zone the size of a house or an apartment. They're not hypervigilant or overly focused on their "partner" because they're codependent. They're enslaved and attempting to escape alive - they've developed tactics that help them survive there and that seem dysfunctional outside of that prisoner-of-war camp, in the real world, wit…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 07:02 PM
3

Exactly. Technically, studies have shown it's a numbing agent, a substitute for having a life that one wants to show up for. When that life improves, the need for the numbing agent vanishes, and a person can then power through any remaining physical chemical dependencies. Loved this TED talk on it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PY9DcIMGxMs
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 06:58 PM
5

Wow. I made it a couple pages in and I'm so mad, I'm shaking. What the manipulative psychopath is this b.s.?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 06:55 PM
3

Wait. WHAT?!?!?!?!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 06:54 PM
3

That sounds like such a peaceful, picturesque life. I love it!!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 06:53 PM
2

YESssssss. Sleep deprivation is one of the most common tactics of a coercive controller. Easy red flag to vet for!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 06:52 PM
5

Sounds like two LV people treating each other like trash. Depressing. Glad I don't know either of them personally. Glad a small, vulnerable child won't be subjected to either of them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 06:50 PM
5

Men assemble in packs (well, all humans do - birds of a feather). The most desirable men in the world are - I feel confident saying this - not clustered around a reddit screen. Given that, these voting patterns just validate what I think we all already suspected.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 06:48 PM
7

I notice more and more men weaponizing female personality disorders when it comes to "explaining" their messed up ex. It's really their way of saying "she's horribly traumatized, sure - I can't lie that away - but it couldn't possibly be *my* fault because she was already a mess." Here's the catch, though: emotionally healthy men are not usually in long-term relationships with borderline (since that's the usual personality disorder claimed) women. The first-third time there's a massive and isola…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 06:45 PM
1

I'd bet the judge gave him custody because he accused mom of alienating the kids from him. Your friend dodged a bullet. I'm always highly skeptical of single dads who can't share parenting duties with their coparent. How is that supposed to work when he's dumping his part of the parenting on me? I just raise these kids who have two functional parents who are ... not there?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 06:30 PM
2

If he were hitting on women within an appropriate age range, even 46 wouldn't matter. There aren't hordes of 48 year old women roaming cubicle farms in a furious hunt for horny men under 38, and only under 38. If he were hitting on women in their 40s, 46 wouldn't be a flag against him.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 06:27 PM
3

Kind of a sideline, but there is an app called "Mr. Number" ... it's a subscription (like $4/USD per month), but if you plug in a phone number, it pulls up the full name of the person it's for. useful if you're texting someone you've met on OLD and only have their first name/ last initial. From there, you can google their full name and usually pull up the data aggregator with their age (or a number within 1 or 2 years of their real age). Side note: if they're actually a c-level executive at a la…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 06:17 PM
5

Can you do some freelancing for a local publication? Practice seeking out random interview subjects for your story, asking them questions, listening, soliciting more information from them, getting them comfortable enough that they let their guard down ... ? That's really all the dating advice you need. Dating is less about getting someone to like you and more about getting someone to share themselves with you verbally. (Of course, you don't want your dates to feel like an interview four dates in…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 06:14 PM
51

That's an absolutely terrifying insight. I wonder where and why it happens. I know, in raising sons, they're intensely empathetic as small children. Something, somewhere, clicks off in the teens .... I wish there were more studies on when male empathetic capacity declines and why.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 06:08 PM
9

Now that's a marriage advice course that I would pay for!!! :D When is his wife publishing hers, LOL?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 06:06 PM
20

I mean, a married man is not going to show up and talk up his amazing wife and how great she is. It raises red flags: why are you cheating, then? You're out porking around while she's cleaning your house, working full time, and raising your children? What kind of monster are you? He is *always* going to try to shift the blame for the cheating to her: dead bedroom (almost always not true); addiction (why is he leaving the kids with an addict? was she an addict when he met her? If not, what stress…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 05:52 PM
29

Dating tip: you can go to the county court website in the county where he likely filed for divorce. Search the court cases by his name. If he's filed, it will be one of the results. If he hasn't? It won't.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 05:45 PM
19

Yep. I like to meet the wives of the married men I know, and then make sure any communications involve their wives tangentially at regular intervals. I FB friend the wives too, and add them to any one-off messages that go beyond "hi."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 05:43 PM
15

Until after the divorce and his remarriage to her ... when everything he does that doesn't make the new wife/OW happy will be blamed on you, the BM, an evil, overbearing mind control monster who forces this poor man to be the inadequate father and questionable husband that he is to her now.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 05:42 PM
30

I've noticed that a lot of the pick-me types will diminish you as the wife until they want to "get back at him" for something he did to them too. Then suddenly, they're going to "tell you" as if (a) you're suddenly powerful enough to be considered by him when he makes choices, and (b) instead of being "better" than you in some way, they're just like you, legitimately injured by a horrible man that they chose to be horrible with. If he never does anything to trigger this, they'll try to set moral…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 05:36 PM
16

If anyone has personal experience with this topic, I highly recommend Tracy's blog on www.chumplady.com. It is hilarious and absolutely glorious! I feel like the faucet of affairs that married men want you to ignore is this: it's not the 1920s and his wife can absolutely destroy your life forever once she clocks you (and she will). And his script-kiddie teens can do the same. I've seen dorm-mates/ acquaintances / classmates / colleagues get fired because they hooked up with a guy without realizi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 05:30 PM
156

I saw a set of posts on Facebook over the weekend, in which a man was pointing out that men associate women/female partners with pleasure. They do not associate women or hetero relationship with *responsibility.* What that means is that when they do end up in a relationship with a woman, all the parts of that woman that don't bring him pleasure (or even worse, that create responsibilities for him) are seen as a bug, a flaw ... and when they don't go away, he assumes the woman is the problem. Ins…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 05:23 PM
15

I agree with every word. Well-said. For context, understand that literally everything you've said here is the opposite of what most western women will encounter if they find themselves in a custody dispute in family court. There, an abusive father is better than no father. A child who knows they're not loved by their father has been brainwashed by their mother, to whom they're closer. A woman's anger toward someone who has beaten, stolen from, isolated, or otherwise been cruel to her repeatedly …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 05:13 PM
12

He has entire websites dedicated to attacking his personal life out there ... abusive men have turned on Lundy before when he couldn't be groomed to align with their stories. He also has family and their jobs to protect. He's clearly smart enough to have survived this long and has flagged TERF-topics as the latest vulnerability that his detractors will use to silence him. I'm glad he's taking whatever steps are needed, within reason, to keep his work and voice out there for other women to learn …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 05:10 PM
18

This was such a powerful insight and explains a lot of the research around abusive men. Despite the common line on it, the way a man treats his mother doesn't say much about how he will treat you, statistically. What *does* say a lot about how he treats you is how his *father* treats women (and to a lesser extent, how his dad treats him). Statistics don't support the idea that men are bad husbands because their mothers failed in raising them. They instead shine the spotlight on their fathers and…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/22 05:08 PM
2

I'm not a medical professional, but I could swear I've read that ibuprofen's action is anti-inflammatory. It's not a pain med, technically. For that, you are supposed to use acetaminophen - that works on actual pain. Hopefully someone in the field can correct me if I'm remembering wrong.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/22 06:59 PM
2

Nurx is another app that offers migraine treatments, STD meds, and birth control online. Very accessible. Highly recommend!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/22 06:58 PM
3

Our anger is so often a powerful and righteous force for good. Yours certainly was that day - I, for one, am super proud of you for expressing it and channeling it the way you did. BRAVO!!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/22 06:55 PM
19

If men were giving birth, they'd be worshiped for it, put on bed rest, given special status in all religions for their incredible God-like ability to 3D print new humans. Every war would require the birthing father to sign off on his adult child's ability to be sent out as cannon fodder, and most fathers would refuse to send their own. Men would compete to see how big /how much/ how fast / how everything their entire pregnancy / birth / child rearing experience was.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/22 06:51 PM
15

I always tell my doctors that I don't have anxiety, I don't drink coffee, I don't have depression, etc. I and all the women in my family have learned the hard way that the only way a medical professional will ever actually diagnose a *physical* condition is if you are emotionally without flaw first. Enraging.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/22 06:48 PM
1

Obviously know the legality of it in your area, but ... There are quite a few international pharmacy sites online, nowadays. If you know the meds you need and the dose you should take and are just running into this medical professional wall of ego, by all means, do the overseas "appointment" for your $5 diagnosis and purchase your medication that way.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/22 06:45 PM
9

I agree. I'd recommend checking out a sub on reddit for fourth wave feminism (a quick search should get you there). It's largely radfem and they'll have some amazing resources for your research.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/22 06:41 PM
21

And I think that raises a socio-economic argument against SW too. People with options don't sell a kidney - we know that allowing organ ebay would create a subclass of the poor forced to service the rich in a way that impairs any chance of the poorer class's future class mobility. SW does the same for the same reasons. Women with options don't choose SW, generally speaking.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/22 06:33 PM
12

I'd add a segment discussing all the ways that sex work *does* control women's bodies - (a) directly, for sex workers, whose bodies must show up and perform sexual theater for their customers; and (b) indirectly, for all other women. They're pressured by the expectations of men who have used sex workers (but see all women as part of a similar "consumable" class) to adjust their appearances. They're pressured to compete indirectly (put out or I'll get a prostitute). They're pressured to avoid tra…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/22 06:26 PM
190

I'm guessing that's it. Most 80-year-olds aren't raising the flag to the top of the flagpole all that often, even with a healthy lifestyle and moderate viagra-ish assistance. After his lifestyle over the decades, I'd guess he's even less active.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/22 06:15 PM
40

That's always been his face, though. He's never been aesthetically blessed in the northern regions.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/22 06:13 PM
24

Nurses cost decent $$$$. Wonder if the coffers are running low these days ...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/22 06:12 PM
168

raw chicken is pretty firm, though... and no stubble. Have you ever cradled a neopolitan mastiff's jowls in your bare hands?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/22 06:11 PM
28

OMG. That poor girl. Does she have vision insurance? Glasses and contacts can be so costly, I know. Can anyone help get her in front of an optometrist stat?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/22 06:07 PM
22

This. Once you get to know someone, casual back and forth about topics that aren't life-or-death for either of you is often normal. But so many of these "debates" are about immutable facts that are not up for debate. The sun shines in the sky - this is a non-debatable fact. The earth is round - bless the flat-earther hearts, this is a non-debatable fact. I am a full adult human with non-negotiable human rights - this is a non-debatable fact. I do not need his consent or approval to fully occupy …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/22 06:03 PM
31

This. As this awesome blog post (I think someone here turned me on to it awhile ago) says: There is no such thing as an “objective” argument in which the stakes are astronomical for one side and nonexistent for the other ... If a man “loses” a modesty debate, nothing about his life changes. If a man “wins” a modesty debate, nothing about his life changes. But if a woman loses a modesty debate, the entire fabric of her existence changes. If a woman loses a modesty debate, she has lost whole areas…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/22 05:57 PM
3

I think there was an FDS podcast with a female judge / tv show host who mentioned that she had always been the breadwinner / primary earner in her household. She also spoke highly of her husband, both as a partner and as a father. It was clear that he wasn't a dead weight or a slacker in her life - she was simply savvier at making the moolah. I've known a couple of those marriages (usually between an oldest-child wife and youngest-child husband) and they've lasted decades, involved zero infideli…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/22 05:50 PM
3

I would agree. Having been all three of those at one or another stage, but never simultaneously, I was going to say single mom is the most hated, hands down, by men and by women. No comparison. But I can't even imagine how much vitriol and doorslamming one must face as a teen single mom. It makes sense, but is heartbreaking to think about.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/22 05:43 PM
8

Wow. First, I hope she changes the wifi password immediately. Second, hide his timer. Third, start interviewing divorce lawyers.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/22 05:37 PM
20

This boggles my mind. In no small part because it doesn't vibe with my dating experiences (which granted, were back in the stone age). Most men I've "encountered" have had enough self-interest and been self-protective enough to wear a condom. At first, because they don't know me and don't want to risk STDs, pregnancy or not. Once they realized the risks were off, many continued to wear condoms because, as one boyfriend eloquently stated, "You make up your mind and go do it, and no one knows unti…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 08:31 PM
38

Apparently men frequently attempt to enter or attack. And most of the women there have previously been victims of male violence (which is, I imagine, a huge factor in avoiding collapse from within due to pickme mentalities). I've seen it mentioned that they sell jewelry to tourists (https://www.heleninwonderlust.co.uk/umoja-womens-village-kenya/), but am not sure where their internet platform for sales would be. Surely there's one out there by now!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 08:18 PM
14

non-modern men would just slap or hit an angry woman. It wasn't a crime then. If you get non-modern enough, they used this torture (fun fact: many of the cruel methods used to control sl@ves in the US were derived from or first used on wives and daughters who "rebelled" against expectations): https://allthatsinteresting.com/scolds-bridle Men today may be at a loss for a response because they can't beat us into oblivion for being angry, but I'd argue that's preferable to "old fashioned men" who u…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 07:49 PM
4

L-Theanine, CBD oil or hemp oil, kava kava ... all over the counter items that help many people with anxiety. (Take supplements for liver support if you use the kava more than once per week - it can be a little challenging for some livers.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 07:44 PM
12

If you have children with a man, you are simply not allowed anger toward him. Ever. Whether he engages in domestic violence, lies about you to take your children, harms your children ... absolutely zero expressions of anger is the only thing that cannot effectively be used against you in a court of law to establish your character as a hysterical, angry, vengeful woman who is a threat to the children and him. I get nervous when I see non-anonymous expressions of upset toward a husband for failing…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 07:42 PM
11

The thing to do is divide the number of marriages that the app claims to be responsible for ... by the number (or 70% of the number if you're a straight woman) of profiles. See what your percentages of finding a man you'd marry might be. The odds are vanishingly low.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 04:18 PM
9

I love @ swipes4daddy on instagram - she mocks these guys to their faces, and most of them still don't get it. :D
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 04:17 PM
11

this gem of truth should be stickied at the top of FDS for all of the male lurkers.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 04:13 PM
18

I always picture them in a grocer picking out a hot pocket flavor. "Will my discriminating phallus be more compatible with the pepperoni pizza pizzazz? Or the Alfredo Parmigiano flavor with "faster microwave cooking times"?" So nuanced, these boys' sexual tastes....
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 04:10 PM
14

Great advice!!! Love the block list. Love the ditching at a restaurant at the first red flag. Love your queen energy here!!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 03:56 PM
21

When I dated pre-OLD, men always lied about wanting a relationship in order to get laid. I can't imagine it being any better when they can lie without looking you in the eye at the same time. That's the most common pitfall you're screening for in dating, isn't it?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 03:54 PM
20

It's shady, but there are automatic downvoters out there for reddit. I caution clicking on links here, but if you look for videos on Socinator (youtube), you should find some info on it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 03:53 PM
195

Hollywood always acts like men lusting after women their own age / older are carrying out charitable services through their sperm donations to the menopausal community. *eyeroll*
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 03:48 PM
26

I think in light of his open marriage, it's even more horrifically disrespectful to Lisa.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 03:47 PM
23

he always struck me as a manchild, which isn't sexy. I've always felt a bit bad about not finding him attractive, so I'm appreciating all this stuff, which allows me to pretend I had a good reason for my dislike all along. :D
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 03:45 PM
79

Eh, I think most straight teen boys choose things that will put them in close proximity to girls their age ... I'm not sure that's a hill worth dying on from a feminist perspective. It's their actions once they're in that environment that merit scrutiny. Him admitting it like a badge of honor in an interview decades later makes TH sound like a non-straight guy desperately trying to prove he's not actually in the closet, though. I had a friend in high school who - religious environment - was dete…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 03:41 PM
70

Yeah, that turned me completely off him. The content alone is horrible, but what public figure is clueless enough to say that in an interview? He's either on something, has horrible social skills, or is so lacking in empathy that even faking basic human responses to common situations like rape is beyond his capacity.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 03:34 PM
142

This - barring chronic illness that she may have brought into the relationship - is usually so true. I love to periodically look up the latest coverage on Umoja - the much-covered village where men are not allowed. TBH, it's mostly for the photos - you can tell you are looking at women who are fully present in their own bodies, who are rested, whose basic physical and mental needs for safety, community and peace are largely met. A lot of the photos show women who are glowing - not happy or laugh…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 03:29 PM
1

That's sad and hilarious at the same time! Every stepparent group seems to be full of this kind of thing - the poor gals have no idea that they're being played. Even when they leave the guy for being a bad partner, they're still convinced his "high-conflict" ex is the reason he's messed up. :D I don't know what the solution is. Just commiserating!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 03:14 PM
5

The risk is that women end up dead. The gap in the analogy is that there is no monster under the bed - that's her imagination too. And the dark, while real, isn't a risk to her either. In this case, LVM will waste a woman's life. NVM will end it. LVM can be spotted and handled, and you're 100% on point that we should approach them boldly and with high standards. But, when you meet a man who is all the flash and chemistry and amazement and perfection, I hope women will pull out the second checkli…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 01:49 PM
6

I'm glad you mentioned narcs here - I agree with Lundy that 'narcissist" has become a catch-all for unkind, unempathetic men. It also includes men who are actually narcissistic, and those men still often are not the psychopaths I'm referencing. Narcs are fueled by the need to be superior. They still see humans as humans, to the point that your approval matters to them. If you dislike them, that matters. If you disapprove of them or disagree with them, that matters. Psychopaths enjoy "duping deli…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 01:41 PM
3

I'm so glad to connect with another survivor! Thank you for posting this - it is its own insane experience, and his fan club will never stop being dangerous. It's a head trip - I'm so glad you're out safely and hope life's given you a whole new set of healthier, kinder, saner relationships and friendships these days.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 01:29 PM
3

I think we have a lot of impressions at first sight. Some are sheer lust. Some - if you believe in reincarnation as a concept - may be a sort of soul recognition of someone from a prior life. Some might be a similar "energy" or "vibe" - a shared attitude or approach to life. There's such a rich plethora of emotions and instincts when we meet new people and grow our existing relationships. And as women, we are lucky to not be drowning in a tsunami of testosterone, which means we can more easily s…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 04:36 AM
121

yep. I think one of the most valuable gifts you can give yourself as a woman is to learn to "grow in private." We don't owe updates on our innermost processes to everyone close to us. If something is genuinely going well, you're happy and healthy, there's zero obligation to share your good fortune with those who aren't in a place where they can understand it. It doesn't always mean severing that friendship - definitely stay friends, but steer the conversation to things you have in common, their …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 04:26 AM
121

This is the trash taking itself out. Decent men don't fade out like this - if they have to step back (work, family emergency, etc.), they will let you know, first of all, and still take initiative to stay in touch at a reasonable frequency (say every other day or two/three times a week instead of daily). These types have always been fairly common - I'd expect 30-75% of guys you talk to (depending on your region, age, etc.) to behave this way. Just phase 'em out when they do. I wouldn't give it a…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/01/22 04:22 AM
3

Thank goodness you don't have a child with him. If you did, you'd be in for all of these things from his new partner once he gets her fired up against you. I'm not sure how one can long for an ex after remarrying and continuing life with a new partner for over a decade, but the new girlfriend will be convinced that is the case - the triangulation with his new partners seems to know no bounds. Utterly exhausting.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/01/22 09:12 PM
20

They do - you have to distinguish between that very inner, intimate circle in his home (where he drops the mask sometimes once they're trapped) vs his social circle (which will find him charming). For most of these guys, once the inner circle is trapped, they become utilities and you probably won't meet them with him very often out in public. So they can be hard to see enough of to make an evaluation.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/01/22 08:40 PM
17

That's true - I definitely don't disagree with your post. I spent my teens and early 20s giving guys all the slack for blatant b.s. - your post is excellent advice!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/01/22 08:36 PM
48

I agree with this for LVM. They're usually the bumblers or, at worst, the more histrionic/sociopathic Cluster B types. They can't fake it well - because they only fake it to get women. The rest of their life is fairly above board - the mess you see is the mess you get. I disagree for NVM - negative value men (actual antisocial / psychopathic types). Every minute of every aspect of their public life is a mask tailored to that person or environment. You're not the only time or person that they're …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/01/22 08:01 PM
42

OMG, you guys are amazing!!! First Gail Dines, now Lundy Bancroft?!??!? This is in a whole different league - incredible. Lundy's book "When Dad Hurts Mom" has been cited so many times as saving lives (I know it did mine, and so many other women have told me the same). I'm beyond thrilled and can't wait for part 2!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/01/22 07:30 PM
118

For women who aren't sure - just that sort of random, itchy feeling that something maybe is a little off (probably just you're more anxious, or you're not fully yourself, even though he seems fine) .... google "coercive control." It's so wildly common and you'll want to know the flags to look for. Evan Stark's book is the foundational work, but it's a bit professorial and quite a long read (excellent work, though, if you are a bookworm like myself). If you're deeply enmeshed (married, kids, shar…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/01/22 07:25 PM
21

I'm surprised at the number of men who manage not to snore when it's detrimental for them to do so (e.g. the guys sneaking naps in the workplace / on zoom calls with the camera off). My first husband was like this - turns out his snoring could be bad, but when he wasn't sick or allergic, it wasn't nearly as bad as he liked to pretend it was when I was trying to fall asleep. He also had a penchant for "rolling over in his sleep" and flinging his heavy, muscular arm right into my face ... oddly ri…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/01/22 07:19 PM
28

It's single-handedly supporting half the public school systems in the US. I'm shocked every year by the number of hours my neighbor puts into her PTA for free - and doing substantive stuff, ensuring disabled children have the same quality experiences as the rest of their class, healthy lunch foods are sourced, adequate electronics are funded by the district, etc. This isn't organizing a bake sale. All free labor, and the entire PTA and unpaid volunteer force is moms, she says - maybe 1 or 2 dads…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/01/22 07:14 PM
37

I promise the whole story is even worse than anything she shared. It always is.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/01/22 07:12 PM
96

Girl, there's a whole book called "Fair Play" by an ivy-league-educated lawyer that's always recommended in the responses to these Mom-moans in the mom groups. It's an entire 200-page instruction manual about how to "gamify" housework and childcare with fun cards and charts, so your *ADULT MALE PARTNER* will step up and do more (not the full 50% share; let's be realistic) ... enough that you can get enough sleep and your kids won't be stuck doing even more chores after a full day of school. I ki…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/01/22 07:08 PM
12

Ridiculous? I think she's spelling "e-x-p-e-r-i-e-n-c-e-d" wrong.... She sounds a bit foggy mentally which makes me think he's probably a bit coercive and she's deeply sleep deprived (super common with LVM and NVM). In a sharper frame of mind, she'd book him with the worst, fattest-fingered proctologist in town and he'd be on top of picking his own practitioners out in no time flat. Problem solved.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/01/22 07:06 PM
32

And are only 55% of the comments assessed in the article. Surely reddit is more than 55% male, which would seem to *disprove* their thesis, no?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/01/22 07:05 PM
52

"It's hard and no one will touch it for freeeeeeeee!!!!!!! MY GOD. WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!?!?!?"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/01/22 07:04 PM
74

Heartache after we wise up and bail and they're sitting alone with a stiffy and nowhere soft to put it ... wait, that's not a *heart*ache.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/01/22 07:03 PM
43

Add my name to the list of fans eagerly anticipating the Hussey Roast. I'll bring the chili-mango BBQ sauce!!! Cannot stand him.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/01/22 07:02 PM
102

The LVM I've known gossip endlessly about women and relationships to each other, up to and including showing their hook-ups' nude photos to their friends, colluding to get their friends laid, and keeping each other's secrets from women, law enforcement, and employers. They're fine. They just refuse to be responsible for the problems they create for themselves.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/01/22 07:01 PM
2

This article sort of bugs me. It has gems like this: “What was most interesting was that when exploring gender differences, analyses uncovered that men in fact discussed heartache on the relationships forum more than women, and they also showed language patterns consistent with a more secure attachment style,” and this: “For example, are men truly less emotionally invested in relationships than women, or is it the case that men are simply stigmatized out of sharing their feelings?” Considering w…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/01/22 06:58 PM
12

This!!! One of my favorite sites, longreads.com, has a lot of amazing details on women's rights and the history of our emancipation process throughout history. I love this one: https://longreads.com/2018/01/10/every-woman-her-own-bodyguard/
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/01/22 06:52 PM
129

This is true and it's shocking how little known it is across the broader public. https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/social-issues/a-gendered-trap-when-mothers-allege-child-abuse-by-fathers-the-mothers-often-lose-custody-study-shows/2019/07/28/8f811220-af1d-11e9-bc5c-e73b603e7f38_story.html https://www.thelily.com/moms-who-allege-child-abuse-are-much-more-likely-to-lose-custody-study-finds/ I cringe a bit at some of the advice here around "just divorce him" because that's simply not how court s…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 07:29 PM
2

For the first meeting, I'd not put a lot of effort into it. Do you find him attractive? Is there chemistry? Groomed and appropriately dressed to blend in? Is he well-mannered, able to comport himself socially, talking to quite a few folks there, letting them talk and listening? Does he take the initiative (either there or through your friend after) to get your info and contact you again? if you like him and he returns the interest, you can vet more in-depth next time you meet up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 07:20 PM
3

Marc Driscoll is a great example of where this path goes in a church environment. He was anti-porn. He has a lot of rather harsh, but valid advice for young men around their sexuality and treatment of women. He then sank into demanding wives become strippers for their husbands and isolate in their homes. Any man who hasn't separated his sexual drive from his desire to control will always be a danger to women, regardless of his religious beliefs. Great podcast on the Drisc: https://open.spotify.c…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 07:17 PM
9

It's probably a safer gamble than anything you'll find in Vegas. I've often fantasized about a new Anonymous group that released a pastor's internet history online every time he says something about women being submissive to men.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 07:15 PM
243

Kim would get the same reaction if she hadn't made a sex tape, tbh. Our culture absolutely hates mothers, and any excuse will do.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 07:14 PM
14

So true! My dad and brothers are HV, and the men around them on a daily basis are also. A guy's pack is what will tell you who he truly is long-term.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 07:11 PM
3

It sounds laughable, but the entire US family law court system adopted the beliefs of Richard Gardner, a self-proclaimed pedophile and psychologist, who claimed mothers are highly likely to be jealous of their husbands' desire for their children (male and female) which is why mothers (a) lie about dads molesting their children where they aren't, and (b) are so jealous of it when it does happen that they try to take custody away from the predator by telling the court about it. (I know, it doesn't…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 06:43 PM
–

Hear, hear!!!! Handbook material! Men know that they're a lone leaf blowing in the wind unless they can anchor themselves to a woman. The woman produces their children, creates their family, legitimizes them in the eyes of society, and provides a reliable / constant source of sexual activity (which, when they are driven by a burning desire for sex 24/7, has significant value as well). As one woman's tiktok pointed out, everyone in her family has either come in or out of her ******. Producing tha…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 06:20 PM
38

there are automatic downvoter APIs out there just for reddit. I shudder to think how many have been pointed at FDS. The fact that so many posts still get quite a few upvotes is pretty powerful in light of that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 06:11 PM
7

That's beautiful. :D
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 06:09 PM
7

"Hun? I set the cereal box by a bowl and spoon over there. Enjoy!"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 06:08 PM
13

Yeah, and physically (which is where they all threaten us with "equality"), we aren't equal in upper body muscular strength, for the most part. Mentally, emotionally, etc., we are equal or superior, but you'll notice they're barricading their advantages there and refusing to budge an inch on the equality front. It's all a game and most men play dirty. This lady needs a flame thrower for ... the snow.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 06:08 PM
7

At the very least, he'd have the flame thrower fueled and ready for her to play with in the morning. Who needs a shovel?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 06:06 PM
12

It's fascinating to me how painful, miserable, natural consequences are the only things that seem to make an impression on the testosterone-fueled. Whyyyyyy?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 06:05 PM
23

"I pointed the kids toward the bowls and spoons when they asked for breakfast. Cereal isn't the easiest meal to make, you know."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 06:03 PM
3

The real psychopaths always have these occasional flub-ups that show them for who they really are. I hope his wife makes it out of the marriage in one piece. He sounds pretty dangerous, tbh, if that's the level of empathy he's bringing to the table.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 06:03 PM
6

Your instincts are good - he sounds awfully touchy. That's a little too emotionally high-strung for my taste. I'd fade that one out.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 06:01 PM
14

I always did this back in my single days. Sometimes a casual, early Thursday night if Friday would be slow. And it all needs to be scheduled before Thursday morning. My schedule was always pretty full, so it wasn't mind games - if they scheduled at least 48 hours prior and I really wanted to see them, I'd try to fit them in. Any closer and I'd be busy and suggest a time further out.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 06:00 PM
135

I see so much of this strict diet during pregnancy so they won't gain weight... it's hard to watch.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 05:57 PM
139

Adoption at the newborn stage always seemed horrifically cruel for that reason - all that misery and pain and risk of permanent health conditions or death - and at the end, what? You have the hormone spike that makes you bond on an epic scale with this tiny human that you never get to hold or raise?! It's a human rights violation - absolute cruelty. When my daughter was born early and rushed to NICU, I had my first massive panic attack (I'm a pretty level personality). My heart rate was spiking …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 05:55 PM
49

It's insane. It's definitely a sign that women are seen as consumables for the target consumer, men. It's even crazier when you realize that most men can't really ID the physical effects of becoming a mother. If you don't share that you have kids, a lot of them don't let the physical changes slow them down .. and are still surprised to find out that there are children in the picture.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 05:49 PM
38

These are such great green flags!!! Thanks for posting this - I think this is the kind of content so many young women are hungry for. My debbie downer contribution - wha- wha :( - is that a good psychopath will mirror these qualities convincingly for a solid couple of years (or longer) at the beginning of a relationship with someone he considers a real catch. Look for his male friends - are they also all showing these green flags? Or is he a gleaming diamond in a slithering snakepit of chaotic m…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 05:46 PM
3

I totally agree. I also grew up in an environment where celibacy was almost the sole option taught, and it left me feeling horribly powerless ... because, realistically, it's a choice most women don't get. If a man is determined to have sexual access to you, he probably can make that happen. And you probably won't be able to impose nearly the consequences you'd assume. Even barring rape, in a world where men control a lot of things, cutting off sexual access to your body 100% for everyone cuts y…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 05:38 PM
39

You've absolutely nailed it. There's something broken mentally in so many men that needs a hierarchy to feel alive, and that needs to rank above someone else in the hierarchy to feel they have worth.... In the past, they could adopt so many channels for that need: overt racism and sexism were socially prevalent, random religious bigotry was the norm, etc. Now, with those things frowned on, they can't seek out these blatant "guaranteed" hierarchies in public. So they have to settle for their own,…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/01/22 08:53 PM
11

I'd need to see those stats control for single women who are parents. Parenting solo is a different ball game without adequate income and/or flexible hours, which can be more of a challenge without a college degree.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/01/22 08:46 PM
152

It's true. If I start pointing at Cindy Crawford and Monica Belluci and Christie Brinkley as evidence, I can say that women age really well too. Bob down the street didn't age like George Clooney. It takes a lot of arrogance to pretend that he brought the same cards to the table in the first place.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/01/22 08:40 PM
20

Empowerment is a nonsense word - "empowerment" isn't a thing. It's used as a substitute for either "self-esteem" or for "power." Prostitution is not good for women's self-esteem long-term. The act of prostitution does not imbue a prostitute with more power. Prostitution may - *may* - raise the societally battered self-esteem of a younger, naive and/or impoverished girl for a short period of time, before she realizes the high cost it demands of her. That brief burst of "they're looking at me!" or…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/01/22 08:37 PM
6

I've lost count of the number of times genuine issues were attributed to "panic attacks" or "anxiety." I absolutely refuse to accept either of those as a "diagnosis" from anyone ... either put that you don't know, or do your job and find the source of the problem to the best of your ability with the time / funds / tools available.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/01/22 08:22 PM
4

This is true. And they tend to hang out together, so if you find one, he's likely to have a few others in his crew.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/01/22 08:15 PM
14

Yep. You can always tell when a guy is taking you to his "place".... the waiter winking and fistbumping him when he thinks you're perusing the menu ... while every female employee barely suppresses her eye rolls.... I overlooked a lot of that in my early 20s tho.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/01/22 08:15 PM
2

Yep. You can always tell when a guy is taking you to his "place".... the waiter winking and fistbumping him when he thinks you're perusing the menu ... while every female employee barely suppresses her eye rolls.... I overlooked a lot of that in my early 20s tho.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/01/22 08:14 PM
2

He is being blamed. Much as Hitler is blamed for genocide, and my cat was blamed for the small rabbit he took down last month, your ex is being blamed for attacking your intelligence verbally. And rightfully so. If he doesn't want to feel blame, may I suggest he engage in less blameworthy behavior? Seriously, I'm so glad you've jettisoned this moist boxer streak.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/01/22 08:00 PM
2

YES! Thank you. Exactly! Perfect example of mistaking a rich man for a HVM. They are not necessarily the same.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/12/21 03:49 AM
10

Thank you! You're too kind - it was messy at points, but she's not a bad person, just someone who faces more limited options than I can imagine. She gave half of her "allowance" to her various charities, half of which worked to keep girls from having to marry young, and the other half took in orphans and abandoned children and taught them a trade. So she's an easy person to support.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/12/21 06:20 AM
2

Me too!!! I felt very comfortable with it. And then I logged on and... WAT? Like, had he not, they would have divorced eventually anyway and he's totally the type to hide all his assets first and leave Carrie high and dry. This way, she's comfortable forever and we get to see her fab shoes for many more years!!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/12/21 06:10 AM
21

YES. Thank you for this. I see this trend toward blaming other women for men's choices everywhere ... mothers, pickmes, ex-wives, etc..... both on FDS and elsewhere. And not just for India, but in trad circles and religious circles and western circles too. And especially with motherhood, it isn't a well-thought-out argument ... and it's not a practical one. Remove the mother and let men be raised by their dads and you ... will not get a better outcome. What I see a lot in my own culture is grown…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/12/21 05:57 AM
21

"The pepper spray just does that. It's inevitable now. Relax and enjoy the swelling. Some guys really get off on the pain. Try to let your inhibitions go and enjoy it. It's temporary!"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/12/21 05:45 AM
23

But I think men do know. Ask any man what his strategy would be in San Quentin if, say, he had to get groceries. Or if he had to stay safe in the yard. Or if he had to ensure his "encounters" were consensual. You'll realize immediately that men have very clear, very self-aware views on power imbalances, sexual coercion, intimate control, and how it all works from both the aggressor and the aggressee side of things. Don't be fooled by the myth of the male bumbler in this area either. *They KNOW.*…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/12/21 05:44 AM
18

They project all of it's importance onto women, as if that's our burden to carry for both genders. A woman who is exposed to sex has her entire identity (and marriagability, moral worth, social standing, ability to get hired and support herself, maybe even her ability/right to live) .... all changed, all challenged from the male POV. A man has nothing change but his status with the boyz. In reality, sex has consequences for both sides and alters neither side's worth or identity. Which means that…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/12/21 05:40 AM
16

You've absolutely nailed it. I cringe a bit when I see women promoting their firearms-for-women groups. While those groups are a fantastic idea (nothing more dangerous than owning a firearm that you have no clue how to use safely), if they really take off and men see a lot of women enrolling, you'd better believe we would lose that option as well. Women may not know that the men in our own homes and cars and dormitories and conference rooms are our biggest threats, but other men sure do, and the…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/12/21 05:36 AM
24

This is so true. I think a lot of what we consider "narcisissm" in men is actually this hierarchical mentality come to life ... and you see it play out in nature as well, when similar hierarchies are part of that community. Hierarchy produces cruelty and injustice - there's simply no way around that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/12/21 05:32 AM
11

Every state's laws are different. I'd recommend a prenup just because it's a good chance to see how he will act in a divorce. Is the prenup that he brings you exploitative? Does it leave you high and dry? Does it present a good faith offering that would leave you both fairly situated, assuming a productive, caring marriage while it lasted? Keep in mind too that no matter what he has, if he has the resources to hide his assets pre-divorce, and you can't afford a decent forensic accountant (and th…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 05:26 AM
62

I have mixed feelings about her too. On one hand, she didn't seem like a woman ... I mean that in the nicest way, but just I don't know any women anywhere who act like her. I know men who do. But women who act like she did are usually coming from a place of trauma IRL. Otherwise, mere caution and self-preservation has all of us operating a bit more carefully, no matter how high our libido is. On the other hand, she seemed centered in herself. She knew who she was and what she wanted out of life,…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 04:40 AM
34

I got up and walked out after the altar scene. She did take him back then? I guess so, if they're together in the latest. Un-effing-believable.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 04:37 AM
73

I feel like this line: "We have to stop seeing these men as damaged and understand that what they are is abusive" should be emblazoned everywhere in our society. Because it's so true. Even people who work with child molesters and psychopaths have found that their subjects will almost all cite "childhood abuse" as the reason they are the way they are ... until they're told they'll have to complete a lie detector test for all of their responses to the interview. Then the rates of claimed childhood…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 04:36 AM
39

This is a good point. These really are not adult female characters ... they are more like (some) gay men or high-school girls in terms of their approach to dating/maturity.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 04:33 AM
52

I'm *shocked* at all the unhappiness over Mr. Big's ... outcome ... in the re-issue of the show. I thought we all agreed, in this the year of our Lord 2021, that Mr. Big was the epitome of toxic age-gap misogynistic waffling "he's horrible for you" male stereotypes. Was that not ... was he not? Did we stan him? If we did, then we hate Carrie, right? because he was horrible to her, so we can't like him if we also like her. We can't have it both ways. So far it's felt like what happened to the Sup…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 04:29 AM
3

Perfect. If I'm ever single again, I'm going to have a phobia of Aston Martins and skiing.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 04:02 AM
3

I agree - look at Princess Charlene of Monaco. Her life looks hellish. Relationships with a power imbalance don't seem to work out in women's favor very often.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 04:00 AM
23

Yup. Dated several of those. Right before I met my current DH, I'd quit even trying to make things work with anyone whose cologne or food preferences set off the ol' migraines. Soooooo many men will intentionally jump on the migraine triggers the second they know what those are. It's really terrifying now to think about how common that reaction was from otherwise normal-presenting men.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/12/21 12:29 AM
13

Oh, honey, there's not a jury on the planet that wouldn't let you off for that one. Where is he buried?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/12/21 12:27 AM
3

It is. I'm guessing if she framed it as his mother vs her, she'd stand a chance of pressing charges. If she tries to get the system to hold *him* solely responsible for it, she's SOL.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/12/21 12:26 AM
25

No one has to use allergies. I used to tell everyone I was scared of airplanes (I'm not). I got a few free flights out of it when they suddenly *had* to take me on a trip. Make up a phobia. Spiders or geese or calamari or cedar pollen or mailmen dressed as clowns. Meeting his mom. Mattresses without bedframes. Get creative.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/12/21 12:24 AM
2

Great feedback! We also freeze kale (and spinach) since it's so much easier to compact for smoothies and mixes when frozen. Big Terry Wahls fan here - thanks for this additional info
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/21 04:29 PM
3

There's a lot of social "access" - for lack of a better word - that I experience when I'm married vs. single. It was my primary motivator to remarry, tbh - because when you're with a good person who is a great fit for you, the urgency to marry past childbearing years is pretty low. But there is a huge social boost when you show up with a ring on your finger - ironically, more so in groups of women than in male-dominated groups (although you're also taken more seriously there, too). Outside of th…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/21 04:26 PM
4

I agree. I feel like a lot of assets can be dealt with by putting them in family member names if you trust family, plus a good prenup, etc. The kids are where a prenup won't help you. And the children are where DV by proxy will shatter your kids and your life, and all of your assets will get liquidated to cover legal bills fighting for your child's safety. The reality is that a husband is typically granted more leeway and more access, regardless of his behavior, than a fly-by-night boyfriend who…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/21 04:23 PM
5

You'd find women seeking out likeminded women. I'd go for the child-full, dog-friendly block, and other women would want the childfree, petfree block. There's plenty of room for all of us to find our people and still live true to our preferred lifestyle.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/21 04:20 PM
3

I feel like men in their 20s want useful women ... and the only way they think women can be useful is obviously sex. I feel like men in their 40s want useful women ... but by then they've figured out women can also be useful for their career progression, housecleaning, childrearing, income, and of course, still sex. Men who don't think like this are almost always happily married by 40 and of course, don't cheat. Their wives typically know what a gem they have and aren't going to move on. You rea…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/21 04:17 PM
3

Throw yourself a massive housewarming party when you buy a new house or move into a new condo! Throw yourself a promotion party when you get promoted! I think a lot of us don't allow ourselves enough entertaining and parties. Throw them liberally - buy yourself a nice formal fancy dress once a year or once a raise, and throw a party the second a holiday comes around, and wear it! Tell your friends to come in black tie or full sari also! Enjoy life! A marriage happens at the court house ... a wed…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/21 04:15 PM
1

This is true. If you have children with a man, there's a strong chance that you'll be tied to him forever. And his new wives that follow you could have very strong feelings about that and dedicate significant energy to cutting you off from your own child. You lose a lot of autonomy in divorce when you have children with someone.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/21 04:11 PM
3

I love your post. Gospel truth- thank you for sharing your wisdom and experience!!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/21 04:07 PM
15

the murder was a horrible idea on multiple levels: legal, moral, financial, parental, etc. No man is worth sitting in jail for. The reason we see Betty's story, though, isn't that her husband was unusual. I promise you, many of the women you see around you have or had ex husbands who did exactly the same thing to them. It's incredibly common. It's allowed. It's keeping family law practitioners paid up on their mortgages. It's quite possibly your story someday. Betty's stepping up and refusing to…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/21 03:59 PM
27

I feel this. The cure for attraction to men is often exposure to them in male-dominant environments. There's so very very much nastiness that's channeled entirely toward women who aren't doing a thing to them that would excuse it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/21 03:46 PM
6

I love your art!!! This is entirely accurate. Her side could also have the 4 different porn types that he wants her to imitate in the bedroom (for now - he will add to it eventually), the sleep she will lose for the children and his d@#$, the preparation and hosting of his family for their visits / travel to them, and the eventual treatments and medications for the stress-induced illnesses that all of this causes her to have.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/21 03:44 PM
203

Oh, I know that feeling. Of looking around and going, Holy cow, this is a whole amazing fully furnished life, and it is MINE, and I did this on my own!!!! And it was so much easier than trying to get a LVM to treat me the way I should have been treated! It's such a glorious feeling.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/21 03:41 PM
2

Thank you for the kind words! I promise, the potential us older gals see in younger women is so enormous. We want to see you standing in the Senate or your nation's governing forum, making laws, speaking up. We want to see you featuring in the news for your new scientific or medical discovery. We want to see you thriving and happy, married to your own amazing Marty Ginsburg or Pierce Brosnan (the younger versions, natch). You are the catalysts that *will* change the world and we just have to kee…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/21 03:35 PM
8

Yes, exactly. I can't tell you how many people I've met who blame their mothers for how their childhoods went because their dads were abusive or molesters. When I point out that, under their legal regime, their mother leaving would have meant losing custody of them to their father (e.g. you get to stay *alone* with your r@pist 24/7), that upsets the apple cart .... We always want to blame the person who is the safest channel for our anger. That's usually mom. If we don't keep dad feeling happy, …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/21 03:31 PM
24

He is! One of my current fav up and coming comics. Hopefully he stays at the level of quality we're seeing now. He has some really original stuff.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/21 03:21 PM
34

This terrifies me to see. Older does mean wiser, for all intents and purposes, if you're talking about street smarts and the ability to read people. Netflix has a documentary on Jeffrey Epstein that should be mandatory watching for teen girls who date older men. It's woman after woman after woman who thought she was smarter than this "old coot" who would "pay hundreds for a massage." Decades later, they're middle-aged women still processing the trauma they experienced. He wasn't any of their tic…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 06:01 PM
222

Y'all reminded me of this brilliant stand-up comedy that Josh Johnson does on a show - Conan, I think? - where he's all "Humans are the only species where the women reproduce with the weakest, slowest, injured members of the pack. You don't see the sad deer trailing his pack with a bunch of doe clustered around, all: "BUT I LOVE HIM! They let that one die off and ladies, you need to do the same, "but he's in art school, he's gonna do something." No, sis. Let him go." 🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 04:24 PM
13

The safest approach is to simply refuse to discuss women's bodies - either with men, or in the woman's absence. Women are under crippling societal pressure re: their weight. Even more than the requirement to be pretty, the requirement to be thin - as deployed societally - is emotionally abusive. If despite all of that, a woman is still overweight or obese, I assume (a) she knows, (b) she's probably already seen or heard something abusive from someone today related to her weight, and (c) because …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 03:50 PM
14

Various types of bone broth are highly recommended for AIP / Chronic stress-induced autoimmue illness (often caused by the hyper-vigilance of being with someone emotionally, mentally, financially, sexually or physically abusive). Worth noting that one of the most common of these stress-induced illnesses - Hashimotos - involves your immune system attacking your thyroid. This is hyper-common in women (and the risk of thyroid dysfunction increases again during and immediately after pregnancy). And …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 03:42 PM
24

Report them as spam or hate speech. They are. It's okay to call them what they actually are. Even if the powers that be don't agree with us ... YET.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 03:38 PM
23

YES. This is the kind of epic queen energy I love seeing on here! (FWIW, I dated with a similar attitude, although not OLD, after my first marriage ended and it does work and I also met someone beautiful and brilliant in a short (relatively) period of time.) Thin the herd! Men who know you're a good fit for them won't be deterred and will be far more confident approaching you, because they can trust you'll recognize your own good fit too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 03:28 PM
46

Exactly. There's a reason chronic-stress-induced illness is astronomically higher in women than it is in men. And you don't find it as much in non-mothers, or women who aren't in abusive relationships. LVM/NVM slowly k1.ll you by working you to death. It's science. It's just not getting a lot of press.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 03:23 PM
13

That sounds like a good way to skip the divorce and go straight to the Agatha Christie novel-type ending....
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 03:22 PM
50

I guarantee her "do-good community" stuff either involved connections that helped her kids at their school, or connections that boosted this man's career and his visibility in his industry. Because that's how these types of wives roll. These guys always manage to ignore that they got invited to their boss's boss's boss's holiday party at his ski cabin because their wife and B'sB'sB's wife are on the same "help the local schools" planning committee together and "hit it off." But that's always wha…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 03:14 PM
12

A rando flying down out of the sky to snatch sperm and money is a halloween movie that I'd watch more than once, tbh...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 03:13 PM
45

The end goal of these men is for you to 'stay in your place." Your place is beneath them, figuratively (and literally, if they want that). Whatever gets you there or makes it easy for them to keep you there will work. That means children (however many is one more than you can manage easily), working (if it keeps you distracted), no children (if they can get you to feel shame over that and socially isolate you for it), not working (if financial dependence on him works better than distraction), ch…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 03:10 PM
37

That is always a clown line. Should be immediate block and delete when you're dating. We all know there are certain things in certain circumstances that we won't explicitly ask someone to do, but they'll do it anyway because it's expected or it's right. Any guy abdicating his social contract with you because "I didn't ask you to do it" is a user and needs to go. ETA: her column is being watered down by someone else, I think. I suspect (used to work in journalism) that her copy editor or managing…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 03:03 PM
18

IDK, I think he's sensing her ... independence? ... and that's whats driving this. Sounds like she's gearing up to leave him anyway. ETA: reviewed the comments - y'all saw it too! He sounds a bit sociopathic, which means he's been a problem for a long time. Guarantee she stayed for the kids (not a bad move if you can manage it safely), and she's working on her own life now.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 03:01 PM
112

LOVED this episode! Loved the case study (please do alllllll the case studies of all the popular figures today, ladies!), loved Savannah's unadulturated passion for all things WWE (adorable!), loved it. My one tiny bicker is the wording around women divorcing their husbands when the *couple* is wealthy. Bezos' and Gates' wives didn't "get a payday" - they left with their own net worth, as they deserved to. It was never Bezos or Gates' money to give them - it was always theirs, as it was communit…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 02:59 PM
12

It took me until my 30s too. I'm trying to ensure my daughter and nieces feel confident enough to do this, but tbh, all but one do not. (They say they do, but nah, I know it's not their personality ... and the one who is confident is under constant attack by people everywhere because she is bold and loud and fearless and that *is* punished in girls and women, non-stop.) I hope the younger queens here do the best they can and most importantly, know that's enough - have compassion for themselves. …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 02:51 PM
2

It is a religious experience.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 02:47 PM
4

NGL, I would pay-per-view the living F out of this scenario. 🤣
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 07:00 PM
16

Clearly, you're far more socially adept than this goofball!! :D
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 06:59 PM
21

I agree. I wouldn't fault anyone for reporting police (or legal) misbehavior anonymously. The retaliation could be fatal.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 06:56 PM
48

I want to watch this! I was a little worried that it seemed like the male version of a "powerful woman" as so often our power *is* our relationships and ability to bond and nurture others. This idea that human bonds and relationships are shackles to be shaken off in the pursuit of "greatness" is common male/psychopathic tripe in the corporate world, usually by men who promote "The Art of War" and go on about "Machiavelli in the Prince." It's all to cover their actual inability to bond with other…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 04:44 PM
6

Yep. If you were calling and bugging him while he chased new tail, he'd block you and move on after new girl in a hot second.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 04:40 PM
3

What's weird to me is that - again - our focus is on the person receiving the violent contact (usually the woman) and not the person *delivering* the violence. Just like we focused on "battered women" instead of "men who beat their partner"... Just like we focus on "women raped" instead of "men who rape women".... Can we stop and focus for a minute on men who enjoy women's pain so much that they need it to orgasm? What is wrong with *them*? What makes them this way? Why women? If they cite traum…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 04:39 PM
2

Thank you for reminding us of these incredible women and the horror they endured at the hands of this terrorist. They join so many others.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 04:29 PM
21

I think there are quite a few male practitioners who are perfectly normal professionals, tbh. But I think my mental and emotional health trumps their needs, so I opt not to risk getting one of their dysfunctional colleagues instead of them. Hopefully someday they'll start to come forward and report these sickos that contaminate their own field and their own career prospects, and then we can all feel safe seeing male practitioners in vulnerable, private settings again.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 04:27 PM
38

I was assaulted during a quick visit to treat Pneumonia. Please be careful about being alone with any male practitioner, regardless of the reason he is there. We didn't have cell phones then. I think having your phone out and having a family member on speaker while you are in there helps prevent these predators from moving forward with anything.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 04:26 PM
46

This enrages me. FURY. I've started saying no to every request to allow students in. I feel a bit bad - if it's one student or if it's all women, I'm probably 100% fine in most cases. But they never tell you up front exactly what you're signing up for. When I suddenly find myself one of two women in a room with six men (all students), I have called a halt and had them removed. "I don't feel comfortable with this," Was all it took. No details needed. One of the nurses afterward walked up while I …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 04:22 PM
26

I still remember my first husband would always get massages (from reputable sports therapy spots - athlete) and *always* insisted on a female masseuse. He wasn't at all uncomfortable around gay men in our social lives, and a male masseuse in a sports setting with other people in the room should have been fine. He would also just say, "You know how men are. Women keep it professional." Which ... you'd think men would too, especially around big athletes, but even he didn't trust male professionals…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 04:18 PM
55

I just learned yesterday that JFK himself had Jackie hospitalized and given electroshock treatment. Men have been abusing women for millennia just for being inconvenient. It's a sheer miracle that we're as safe as we are today, even given all the risks we still face in our own homes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 04:14 PM
39

Friends don't ask friends to risk being triggered or raped. I'm glad it's over.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 04:12 PM
37

sexism is bias against someone because of their biological sex. This isn't bias - it's adequate acknowledgment of risk based on facts, statistics and life experience.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 04:12 PM
12

I'm not the only woman in my close friends and family circle who was assaulted by a male medical practitioner during a routine check up in our teen years. I'm inclined to think its MUCH more common than statistics indicate. I generally insist on all female staff and doctors everywhere I go. I've run into the occasional nightmare bedside manner, but eventually found amazing professionals in every space. I do have a male optometrist and feel generally safe with him. He has no issues leaving the do…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 04:10 PM
1

Brah. Men who marry live longer. They have higher net worth. They have more sex. They have better sex. They are more likely to pass on their DNA to future generations. They earn more at work. They are more respected in their age-appropriate social circles. Bro, if you're approaching a woman, the woman IS YOUR TABLE. She is about to improve your life and you in every possible way. Bring your BEST game before you have the audacity to sit down and leave scratches on her surface.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 04:07 PM
80

I wish too that every woman with a crush would ask herself if the qualities she thinks he has are qualities that she also has? And if they are, why doesn't she love that about herself as passionately and intensely as she's crushing on him? Some crushes are just sheer lust (and I get it!), but a lot of the intense crushes I see in women and teen girls are us projecting our best traits onto a man and then falling in love with them there, on him, where we feel they're easier to value appropriately …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 04:04 PM
28

There's also not a lot of challenge. When men approach women, there's a bit of challenge to it - we might turn them down. When we approach men, if there's even a chance of sex, they're likely to say yes. So there's no challenge to it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 03:59 PM
24

Do you think it can turn out well when a man chases? Do you see a lot of women dating men they despise as a placeholder so they can be sure of sex while they wait for the man of their dreams to come along? (Real life women, not random women in male-written TV shows...)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 03:57 PM
165

This is a man who can't handle a full, present, non-dissociative, powerful woman. Eating disorders leave you weak and obsessed with food, which takes so much of your force and energy away from all the other areas of your life. I'm so glad he's being spoken about in the past tense. He sounds long-term dangerous.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 03:37 PM
49

This. Every single part of the first two dates should happen in public spaces where you are surrounded by people and visible to all of them at all times. Hard and fast rule. Even walking you to your car (where people *might* walk by or see you, but it's not guaranteed) is super riskly that early on. Definitely get one of the electric lighters - they work well as a small taser. You can always carry a small pack of cigarettes even if you don't smoke, as an excuse, for areas that don't like women t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 03:34 PM
94

with Texas Roadhouse honey butter....
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 03:32 PM
153

This. My first thought was, "Ah, the elusive lonely Only Child." Clearly this man lacks sibilings. :D
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 03:32 PM
101

They still feel superior to you because they're men though... these types always end up pulling rank if you take their "we're equals" too seriously. (They've always ended up lecturing me about how much better women look when we wear dresses, for some random reason.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 03:32 PM
52

"Awww, I understand. Let me help you with that. My baby brother needed some help once in a while when he was in high school too."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 03:31 PM
50

"What?! No. Five minutes is more of a middle-class, Florida-type value. In Pareeeee, we wait five SECONDS before eating the bread. Where did you say you went to school again?" *sips tea with pinkie in air*
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 03:29 PM
8

Exactly! Historically, men "sowing their oats" has been the cause of more human rights violations, poverty, and trauma than any other single cause (provided you consider women "human" enough to qualify for human rights).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 03:20 PM
26

I'd - gently - suggest you look into options for children that don't require marriage. Sperm bank or donation by a trusted friend. Adoption options for single women. If motherhood is important to you, I'd encourage you to pursue it. My personal experience has been that motherhood can be richly rewarding (assuming it's what you wanted for yourself and chose ... and isn't clouded by the machinations of a toxic co-parent). I've seen a couple of my friends adopt as single women over the years, and t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/21 05:36 PM
44

I gave up long ago trying to find actual decent romance books, and am deeply addicted to Gothic Romances / romantic suspense instead. At least there you know who the bad guy (or gal) is. Victoria Holt, Dorothy Eden, Camille Oster, Anya Seton, Barbara Michaels, Phyllis Whitney, Daphne du Maurier, Mary Stewart (Vincent Virga and Mary Wings for gay gothic) - they're not 100% flawless, but the toxic men (or women) are seen clearly by the end and the good ones are often far more realistically written…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/21 05:09 PM
22

This is such good advice. I feel rather icky saying it in this way, but a lifetime of observation leads me to believe that men are sort of "pack animals" in a way that many women just aren't. They're so extremely enmeshed in staying on the good side of "their boys" that they won't do anything that might genuinely sever those bonds. So when one of them hits on another guy's girlfriend or wife behind his back, he's doing that in full knowledge that (even if you say something) it won't ultimately t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/21 04:58 PM
28

Who else are you seeing? I'd not feel a lot of pressure to be black and white about any one guy. Enjoy dating this guy and several others who catch your eye and have chemistry. May the best man win! It may not be this one - or any of them. But you might as well keep meeting and vetting and enjoying the company of many men until you have a very good reason not to.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/21 04:54 PM
31

Jessica Ann Pin had a great breakdown of this dynamic on her fantastic Insta last week. Let me see how much I can recall: Basically, male promiscuity is a bigger threat to women than female promiscuity is to men because the risks of being abandoned with a child are more harmful to more people than the risks of raising another man's kids. Female promiscuity, in this light, is protection against abandonment. One man could always abandon you and his child, but you will never get simultaneously aban…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/21 04:50 PM
52

I'd recommend calling a local club or two every time a house party happens and just speaking with the manager. "Hi, I just wanted to let you know that I and my group of girl friends are going to skip your club tonight because of the needle assaults that are happening to women locally. Please let me know when you begin to screen all men entering the club for illegal substances and needles, so we can begin to patronize your location again." Of course we're all under zero obligation to patronize an…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/21 04:42 PM
41

this is probably the best and most realistic way to affect change. Clubs need women if they want men to show up and they know it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/21 04:39 PM
54

Maybe the solution is to start sticking men with needles. How criminal can it be if it's an accident and there's no chemical involved? Spiky ring, man, sorry. /s
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/21 04:37 PM
34

Oh dear lord. I'm blown away by the leeway given men in a lot of stepmom/'bonus mom" groups I'm in. I swear these gals would make excuses for cannibals as long as it was about dads. The bar for men is a tavern in hades.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/21 04:36 PM
2

It's not. Although someone else mentioned taxes in the comments (good point), and I'm not sure how that would work for taxes, tbh. She wasn't in the US, so that annual tax routine here would probably have thrown a major kink in the gears.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/21 04:22 PM
17

I'm going to suggest - if you want a peek into the minds of many types of men - you pick up a copy of "She Ain't It" by G.L. Lambert. Prefacing this recommendation with the warning that: this author is probably a bit psychopathic, he's (or she?) condescending, arrogant, rude, often sexist, and very very crass. But it's a very clear insight into how hierarchical men are everywhere, including their perspective of women and how they connect with you. It helps frame this idea of "being someone's fir…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/12/21 04:45 PM
98

I've seen so many of these relationships in my field. There does seem to be so much additional pressure on high-earning wives to avoid triggering their husbands' emotional response, even after these husbands "seek therapy" and "get comfortable with things." I've also noticed a seeming (admittedly anecdotal) tendency in these husbands to "find themselves" in a lot of environments with younger, lower-earning women who they are often open to making small talk with (technically fine), but which also…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/12/21 04:36 PM
41

I'm glad to see this posted here. At some point, formal marriage isn't worthwhile for a high-earning woman who is dating her economic unequal. Prenups can be thrown out. Each state has a required procedure that you must follow around drafting the prenup and signing / filing (in some states) the prenup. If you don't follow it perfectly, you now have to pay for TWO proceedings when you divorce - one is a trial to invalidate the prenup, the second is the actual divorce (in which, if you lose the fi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/12/21 04:30 PM
2

That would be amazing, but I doubt it's possible with the current men who are in power there.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/12/21 04:18 PM
2

High-five from another older FDSer. I hear you. I'm an old married broad, so I vet gal pals far more often than I do men these days.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/12/21 04:17 PM
1

If he slept with them, I doubt pity was the leading motivation. Sorry. I know that's not a comfortable conclusion....
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/12/21 04:16 PM
6

I would respectfully disagree because they simply don't need to. As the pandemic showed, you can just remove the supports that allow women with children to work ... and women will leave the workforce on their own. If you explicitly bar childfree, single women from working, what happens? An uprising, lawsuits, uproar, mass celibacy pledges by single women everywhere. If you instead make sure women can't choose to be childfree (we already can't reliably choose celibacy if a man in our lives is det…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/12/21 03:58 PM
42

If anyone here is religious, particularly Christian, there is a new book that excavates the roles and positions of power that women have held in the church throughout history. It's very well done and the Christian friends I've recommended it to have ... enjoyed probably isn't the right word ... they've changed some of their dearly held views about women's place in religion. Which is even better. It's called "The Making of Biblical Womanhood" by Beth Allison Barr. It does presume a certain degree…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/12/21 05:35 PM
10

Just like the story of Catherine the Great and her proclivity for horse hijinks. You can still find these sorts of stories being spread on a smaller scale about female leaders in corporate circles today. Tale as old as time.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/12/21 05:26 PM
23

I often wonder how many of the "great love stories" in history and religion are just women whose only other choice was horrific torture, humiliation, fatal isolation, or death? It absolutely accounts for a couple of Mohammed's wives, more than one western queen, and almost every "famed" mistress or consort of royalty.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/12/21 05:25 PM
7

It's too bad that the homeowners don't just pop the FDS podcast on loudspeaker and listen to it while the installers are there. Maybe that would slow their roll a smidge.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/12/21 05:16 PM
9

Sadly, true.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/12/21 05:16 PM
3

There's a lot of panicked attempts to control the new economic system that's risen up with decentralized cryptocurrency. How to tax it, how to manage access to it. I don't think it's to a stage where distraction would be needed, but that is one of the most massive issues of the day. (And I hope all women are self-educating on the topic too... money is power.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/12/21 05:14 PM
1

Hear, hear!!!!!! Exactly this.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/12/21 05:13 PM
14

It's about power. Pregnant women are vulnerably physically = more power for their father. A woman who shares a child with you is vulnerable to how you treat the child / how much power you "let" her have over the child = more power for the father. Rape is all about power. BDSM is all about power. Most men are eager for the feeling of power and if life won't allow them to feel it elsewhere, our culture hands them women and children on a platter for them to utilize however they need to capture that…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/12/21 05:11 PM
4

We already do this. In theory. They skip it and face minimal penalties for it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/12/21 05:08 PM
6

"Someone once told a man to put a ball in a hole ... and he went out and invented the golf course." We aren't the exhausting ones. (But I know what you mean. :) )
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/12/21 05:08 PM
10

I wouldn't pour a ton of time or energy into it. healthy boundaries means letting others make their own mistakes. What I have found helpful is to relentlessly center *her* - her desire for a good man, her limited time and emotional energy, her prior experience and her risks. He's a side-note - think Pinky Patel "Hot Mess Express" head-bob 2 second dismissal of pointless guys. What you care about is her. Does she need to have PIV to know she's attracted to someone? No (no one does). Does *she* al…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/12/21 05:05 PM
6

Has anyone written to the state bar and licensing entity for medicine and asked them to issue statements in opposition of this guy? He's presumably a gatekeeper for the individuals who can join /be licensed by these organizations. They should have an official stance on his statement.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/12/21 04:53 PM
11

I've been in shock today. I want Gen Z to remember that it only takes TWO things to enslave an entire nation of women .... Just two: Take away her ability to choose when she becomes a mother; Take away her right to custody of her own children. That's it. That's all a government has to do to turn all of us into a housebound, shackled restricted class. We already can't choose not to have sex - rape isn't prosecuted or convicted, it's technically legal. Now we can't choose when to have children ...…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/12/21 04:42 PM
17

and plan B is available on Amazon. I'd recommend gathering a stock of it for yourself and your friends now. It's what they'll come for next.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/12/21 04:35 PM
3

I'd recommend Caya if you have a strong reaction to hormonal birth control. A bit less convenient, but it's a hormone-free diaphram that your OB calls into your pharmacy and you pick up. A lot of insurers will cover the entire cost (cheaper for them long-term than the pill or a pregnancy).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/12/21 04:33 PM
70

Lorena Bobbit, frankly. She was a DV target who tried to escape multiple times.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/12/21 04:32 PM
1

No, it's not uncommon for: (a) police not to come, (b) police to create a record that shows mutual violence, or (c) police to arrest the woman. That why I say she benefitted from police/court racial bias against her husband. If her husband were - as someone I know - a tall, white, former state legislator, calling the police each time would have been far less likely to go in her favor. Calling police can be highly risky for DV targets. There is a case or two every year of a policeman taking the D…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/12/21 04:28 PM
29

I think it would be useful for that too! And personally, there are a lot of times when I may not be interacting with a HVM - and I might not care that much either way - but I will still not be accepting LVA from him, regardless. I think it gives us language for holding adequate standards with men outside of a relationship context. I'm not dating my coworker, for example, but I won't be signing up for inappropriate comments or credit theft. HVA only, even outside of a romantic context.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 09:21 PM
119

Would this be considered hate speech under the new UK law? Suggesting that a group of people classed by their immutable physical characteristics should not be allowed to work in respected, highly-paid professions smacks of racism and sexism. Imagine if he said this about a religious group? A specific ethnic group? He would be canceled instantly and rightfully so. ETA: wait. WAIT. His boss was a woman: https://www.thedailybeast.com/school-board-rep-quits-janice-mcgeachins-indoctrination-task-forc…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 06:31 PM
9

I loved the suggestion I saw ... here? I think... that you say, when he hesitates with the check, "Do you need help with that?" Perfect phrasing. :D
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 06:28 PM
126

And men who can't bring the size train already have a plethora of data and info on how they can, in fact, still make it enjoyable for their partners. Cl1toral studies and information are more available now than they've ever been! They're not condemned to forever be a disappointment to their partner ... they just have to self-educate a bit more. There is no excuse for the whining.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 06:25 PM
5

I also like Candice Renoir - I think netflix has english subtitles on the first two seasons. I'm not sure that she's entirely FDS aligned, but she's not particularly worried about male opinions or perspective, and a lot of her interactions are with female colleagues, so she's not the lone woman in a sea of dudes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 06:14 PM
6

I like Phoebe Waller Bridge's shows - they're so extremely female centric. It's refreshing, even when they're as crass as Fleabag's season 1 was.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 06:13 PM
8

This is the male tendency that bothers me in daily life more than any other. I have a lot of men that I would normally consider HV in my immediate family and social circle: loyal to their wives sexually, great involved dads, hold themselves to fairly stringent religious requirements for behavior (kindness, generosity, providing for their families), etc. But if I start to look at *who* creates, maintains, and grows our social pipeline - and by our, I mean a woman (me or a female relative/friend) …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 06:08 PM
52

I know, I know. I got a bit carried away with that one.... :D
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 05:58 PM
22

And a (dense, scholarly) book that is also good reading as a fourth option: Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life - Evan Stark (he goes into legal analysis about how coercive control in the home is a constitutional violation in the US, as it deprives women of our constitutional rights): https://www.amazon.com/Coercive-Control-Personal-Interpersonal-Violence-ebook/dp/B00VQVNCES
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 05:56 PM
27

A necessary third is this book for professionals who work with abuser-abused couples: "The Mind of the Intimate Male Abus@r - How He Gets Into her Head" - https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Intimate-Male-Abuser-Gets-ebook/dp/B009ZW08ME It has a brilliant breakdown of what to watch for *in yourself* as you interact with these men, as signs that you yourself are being groomed by him.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 05:54 PM
27

Not to mention, how does mom fare when she's living with her kids in a shelter, and the custody hearing asks what each parent can offer the children: her: noisy, transitory housing where everyone around them has some degree of trauma or C-PTSD him: a nice, warm suburban home with a set school zone, and where the kids have all their toys and their bedrooms, as well as neighborhood playmates. It's not hard to predict how that custody hearing goes, and now mom is once again flung into frequent cont…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 05:52 PM
23

I'm a big big big fan of the headline. Unfortunately, the book also gets into how they need to be alert to "violence perpetrated against men by women." Which historically means that women's responsive violence (often scratching his arms while he str@ngles her) is going to be noted and penalized far more frequently and harshly than that of the actual abuser. Only an approach that takes them into the power imbalances in the relationship - what are they? Who controls the money? Who does all the chi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 05:47 PM
17

Ugh. Men like this turn 40 and return to the religious community gathering place of their choice, resigned to the requirement that they at least pretend some spiritual / moral fiber of their own long enough to bag a woman who fits their "criteria." In return, they know they'll be required to put a ring on it much more quickly, but they can look in the mirror and see dents from where they hit the wall, so they've made semi-peace with it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 05:41 PM
22

Eh, I'll take egalitarian, emotionally intelligent feedback from anyone who has a pattern of kindness and thoughtful sensitivity. None of us were going to marry him anyway. ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 05:36 PM
245

This. It's so vital to move fast with these things. Change locks immediately. When you finish a divorce mediation, get your agreement in front of a judge for signature ASAP - same day or next day if your lawyer can manage it. Expect the worst, move quickly, always be on the defensive. I've seen so many friends over the years pay dearly because they waited an extra hour or day or week ... they convinced themselves they were being dramatic or expecting the worst. I love how decisive she is. A note…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 05:30 PM
284

I love it! I'm going to rather boldly propose that we introduce a new acronym: HVA ("high value actions") as a way of identifying behaviors by men that are high-value (even when we don't know enough about them overall to confidently proclaim them HVM). It can be hard to find HVM, but we can all benefit from focusing on HVA out in the wild and looking for them from men that we know.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 05:23 PM
51

Absolutely. Women are the sl@ve class for men. Men (generally) don't want to face a world without slavery - they just want to ensure they're on the right side of that power imbalance. And if they're sure they are, they're entitled to "not be in the mood" for "uppity" demands from their servant class. They'll "hire" you, and then you'll get in their house and you'll get to work. /s FDS makes it impossible for these types of men to believe in this power fantasy, which I think is behind a lot of th…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 05:04 PM
3

Money is power. Absolutely learn as much about it as you can!!!! Choose a career based in solid part on earning potential (and autonomy / time flexibility, in case you want to pursue other income streams in your spare time).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 05:02 PM
2

Dworkin writes a lot about how Patriarchy shape shifts and alters form in such a way that woman-positive movements, even when they come from a good place, almost always end up costing women more. We see this a lot in family court - where pre-fathers' rights usually meant condemning women to poverty as sole caretakers of children in job markets that wouldn't hire her ... so the solution was to share the childcare with fathers, allowing mothers to go work and support themselves. Now father's right…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 04:56 PM
3

yes yes yes. I think we said we wanted stuff, and men said, "Ok, but you have to do it like we do it." So we added more to our to-do list and also tried to do those things the way men do them. And then men felt threatened, so we added exaggerated things to our femininity - we may be better investors and leaders, but we also have to spend hours each week painting a face over our real face and ripping hair off of our gen1tals. How threatening can we really be? And the men relaxed again, so we rela…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 04:47 PM
2

This!!!! I wish I'd adopted by auntie's attitude a lot sooner - she always told us, "when you walk up to a man, be thinking inside, "What is this man useful to me for? What am I going to have him do to help me out?" She swore that men sense and responded well to this energy. I also never saw her carry her own bags from the store to the car. Not once. And ... she was right. They really do. Maybe at a deep level, they know they were created to support us as we create life and shape the next genera…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 04:44 PM
2

So much this. There are subs here focused on looksmaxxing (which is fine), but there seems to be prevailing beliefs there that being hot will get you better treatment from men. I think beautiful women already know that this isn't true. What it will get you is *more attention* from all men ... but if you don't know what to do with that attention, it will just result in horrible things happening to you sooner, with more frequency, at the hands of more men. Which makes some of the subs kind of hear…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 04:42 PM
2

does the marriage record have a middle name? You can check LinkedIn with the middle name as the first name, or with various nicknames common for that first / middle name. Also the usual male nicknames "Jay, Max, Chip," etc. You can also run the same searches using the spouse from the marriage record. There are usually results linked to the spouse that will give you some idea of the name he used for himself casually in the past. If you can find her social media, she's probably still friends with …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 04:38 PM
37

And ... he does say he knew it was coming, he just didn't think it would be this soon. He also knows they'll be in touch after. I'm wondering if she didn't just end their affair and that is what he's really mourning. Because this whole "woops, we were so close and she's leaving and we have no way to stay in touch outside the office" is absolute horsesh1t. He's just an emotional predator.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 04:34 PM
4

These types of people's identities are based on how they're able to elevate themselves on the back of someone else. So he will always have someone else. Because without her, he's pathetic. With her to abuse, he can feel powerful by comparison. Unlike all these other pathetic men, he's not a slave to his intense desire for a woman - instead, he's a puppetmaster making all of these women dance by pulling their strings. Of course, if he tells the world about his "power" and his "success" in manipul…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 04:27 PM
7

She definitely knows. But I bet she'd still enjoy the validating office stories. ;)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 04:20 PM
28

To be fair, single motherhood was a billion times easier than being married to the kind of character and moral fiber that allows one to chronically cheat. There's no language that can adequately express the level of chronic stress, humiliation, and despair of that sort of marriage (or the near impossibility of leaving it - these people do everything they can to trap you there). So being a single mom isn't exactly a loss in this context.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 04:18 PM
17

It reads to me like she's married, for some reason. I'd guess that her husband found out and her leaving is her husband's demand. That's why it's fast and so hush hush.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 04:17 PM
47

I really love The Chump Lady blog for how she gets in these cheater's heads. It's the three-TV channels of entitlement: self-pity, rage, charm. He's definitely broadcasting the self-pity angle right now.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 04:16 PM
45

My bet is her husband or boyfriend found out and her leaving is the condition for her not getting divorced. he's mostly mourning (a) c0ckbl0cking by the husband and (b) loss of control over his new bang toy.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 04:14 PM
48

I'm confident that he's physically cheating. He's not this invested in anyone that he doesn't know, fully, is available for physical contact. He also says that he "somewhat expected" her to leave at some point - so they've talked about this before.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 04:13 PM
44

Ladies. A HVM will not talk to you about his wife in anything but glowing terms. Ever. If he can't say something good about her, he won't say anything at all ... to other women he finds attractive. You are not his pastor/priest/imam. You are not his therapist. You are not his mother or father. You are - in his sex hormone addled brain (yes, all men) - as much a competitor of his wife as his wife's hot male colleagues are his competitors. So if he starts to badmouth his wife to you, even under th…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 04:06 PM
17

I've followed Nate's blog / insta for years. I know nothing about his personal life today, but he does seem like the real deal. His content hits the spot and is fantastic for sitting with and gently reparenting trauma. Highly recommend.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 04:00 PM
124

You can't play into something that doesn't exist.... Maybe men could actually be the "leaders" they're always telling themselves they are, and start this whole reformation off by dumping the misogyny all together. Surely, once we see them do that, we'll more than reciprocate by ... dating men who aren't misogynists (and also have the kind of better mental health that non-misogynists tend to have ... and more employability that non-misogynists tend to have ... ).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 03:59 PM
91

Right? I wheezed laughing when I read the title. Are women honestly expected to date men with no money and/or poor mental health? W...why? What on earth would that add to her life? I don't get it!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 03:56 PM
63

A huge thanks to them for the membership boost! :D
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 03:54 PM
95

What .... what did men honestly expect? You can't throw a paper airplane without hitting a woman who's been raped or battered or gaslighted or exploited or stolen from or baby trapped by a man who claimed to love and care for her. As our OG and Great Queen Andrea Dworkin quotes: "Anyone who has been tortured remains tortured. Anyone who has suffered torture never again will be able to be at ease with the world, the abomination of the annihilation is never extinguished. Faith in humanity ... is n…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 03:53 PM
95

Queen energy in that response. I'd choose concrete too - it's not going to drain my retirement, traumatize my kids, and leave me with STIs and chronic stress-induced illnesses.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/21 03:49 PM
32

Take my free award!!! I'm going to make all of my daughters and nieces read your post, LOL. Brilliant advice.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/11/21 05:03 PM
14

He should be thankful to you for introducing him to a dose of reality. It would serve *him* well in his older years to listen to the lesson you've provided him. When a woman is uninterested, she cannot be swayed, no matter how much time he wastes on her social media.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/11/21 04:58 PM
3

I certainly don't intend to erase women who are genuinely bi - I know that this decision process is part of their/your dating journey, and can appreciate the additional complexity of having more choice. I'll check out his other videos. There's a lot to unpack around gay misogyny and it's rarely addressed, so I'm excited to see what he has to say.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/11/21 04:56 PM
6

It will probably never happen, LOL! Fake it till you ... never make it, I guess. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/11/21 04:02 PM
16

France has an interesting relationship with gender equality. I found it very confusing when I was there.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/11/21 04:01 PM
64

I posted above, but there is a crop of freakish weirdos that do this to women in their mid-late 20s. It goes away when you hit your early 30s, I promise. And the men doing this are usually older and target women in their early 20s, so I think they do this as a way of "punishing" women for aging beyond the arbitrary number that these male egos will allow themselves to date. If a man doesn't find you attractive, he will ignore you. If he's engaging with you, he's interested. Ask him if negging bea…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/11/21 04:00 PM
32

And there are still a lot of 20s men who come around when you're in you're thirties. I and my friends had a weird phase mid-late 20s where a lot of 35+ year old men would pop up randomly and make comments about how we were too old for them. Oddly, once we turned thirty - this stuff vanished "Poof!" - and it was back to normal men saying normal enough things about age. I think there's a chunk of nasty dudes who are ancient weirdos, know it, and target women in their early 20s for egotistical reas…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/11/21 03:54 PM
66

Women don't ask men out because it doesn't work. If it worked, we'd do it. The entire myth is based on the premise that women are too dumb to figure out an easier way to do something that works better. Which is, inherently, false. And insulting.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/11/21 03:51 PM
29

Thank you for asking! When you envision your perfect life with your perfect man, how much of it is the relationship with an emotional soulmate? And how much of it is financial security/financially supported? plan to build the emotional support network among your family, girl friends, neighbors, etc. over years. That way, the male soulmate will be an extra bonus if he comes along. And if he doesn't, you'll still have a super rich, rewarding, connected life. learn everything you can about money. E…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/11/21 03:48 PM
31

Honestly? I think a HUGE swatch of male resource / productivity is being consumed into the black hole more commonly known as pornography. Remove porn from the internet entirely and watch male productivity rebound ferociously.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/11/21 03:36 PM
5

State law will determine what's available, as others have said. From there, you'll want to know what county he married in (or check all possibilities). Go to the county court - civil records. You can usually google "[county] docket civil marriage"... and pull any licenses. Divorces are cases, so you again go the county where divorce was filed, look for the "civil court docket" or "civil cases" - search by name. And it should pull up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/11/21 03:35 PM
6

Good on you for shutting it down. any time we entertain an opposition, even if we disagree, we validate it. If I walked up to you and argued, in full seriousness, that you were a purple-haired camel, you'd not negotiate with me for an hour and bemoan the fact that you couldn't change my mind. You'd laugh at me, shut me down, move on, and not once question yourself. Because my statement is so far removed from reality as to cast doubt on *my* sanity (and my capacity for meaningful debate). Propone…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/11/21 03:32 PM
60

Sounds like his fantasy of how things will neatly workout for a happy ending across the board. In reality, if this were possible, women have already thought of it and would be doing it in droves. I've noticed, over the years, that friends who are blessed with a more flexible sexual orientation assume that *everyone* is the same way "if only they'd let go of their inhibitions." In reality, some of us are more toward one or the other end of the orientation spectrum and don't have a lot of alternat…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/11/21 03:28 PM
3

Oh yes, they're relentless and evil if you're tall (and this was back in the era of the supermodel when tall was in). I can only imagine how mean they are now. The flip side is that a lot of short guys did want to date you if you were tall, but then - like you mention - they try to keep you hush hush so their friends won't make fun of them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 06:30 PM
10

I agree you don't owe him a thing. I meet a lot of younger girls - my daughter's friends - who do feel some sort of itchy sense that they owe a guy *something* and they feel guilt at him leaving "with nothing." If that's the mindset one has - and I'm not judging or shaming anyone if it is - I'd much rather you recalibrate your own viewpoint to see your presence as his present, and *any* physical contact with you as the reward it is.... and that's him getting something for the cost of the dinner.…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 06:27 PM
1

I adore her - she's absolutely hilarious. Her Russian 911 call videos crack me up every time. Best one: https://youtu.be/DHn6eLiqyJc:D
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 06:16 PM
1

Ugh. Who cares about this guy? Give us more Serena and Venus!! They're brilliant role models for our daughters, as athletes and business women.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 06:15 PM
6

I'm excited to read this one. I wonder how much this hatred is rooted in men's need for women. Straight men are slaves to their hormones, which cause them to intensely desire (not women themselves, but) physical contact with women. It seems to be an obsessive, relentless drive that rules them for the bulk of their adult life. And the only way for them to satisfy it is to have a woman grant them that access (or hate them for stealing it). They're slaves to our bodies being present and available .…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 06:13 PM
7

Pierce Brosnan comes to mind - not because he's stayed with his wife post-thyroid issues, which is the bare minimum a spouse can do - but because he's never at all looked for pats on the back for it or spoken down about her as a result. He repeatedly emphasizes that he loves her appearance now, that she's an amazing person of value, and he's lucky to be with her (he is).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 06:08 PM
5

I guess it depends on how you define "league" - IMO it's an idea in his head that's likely porn based (if he's LV), which means it's not a goal for you to aspire to anyway. "Looking like a 10" isn't a guarantee of good male treatment, a HVM, or anything other than more scrote attention. His random fleeting idea that he's found someone who could do better than him speaks more to him and his mindset than anything rooted in reality, you, or actual value. If men measured "league" in a reality-based …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 06:01 PM
2

I would need to know *why* he sits where he sits, politically. I know guys who vote red, not because they feel strongly about abortion or women's rights, but because they own small businesses and are first and foremost worried about taxes that would cripple their daily livelihood. They're also loyal husbands, dedicated dads, their wives seem happy and well-rounded, and their actions / family's visible health and happiness lead me to think they're good people. I chalk them up to folks we won't di…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 05:16 PM
2

Hasn't he come out publicly as having BPD? Unfortunately - and I think it's because so so so so many women who actually do have C-PTSD have been misdiagnosed with BPD - I think people forget that this is a cluster B disorder, marked by manipulation, exploitation, and generalized DV. It's not a sad person suffering from crippling anxiety and traumatic flashbacks (that's the PTSD misdiagnosis) that can be recovered from given time and care. I am deeply hopeful that this is a publicity stunt for Ki…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 05:08 PM
17

This is my pet peeve. Women are not dumb, misadjusted, or acting out of some weird internal thought process. Women are not less competitive, less interested in money, or more altruistic. Women are smart and have accommodated the world around them *WHICH PENALIZES US FOR NEGOTIATING.* Women are attracted - gasp! - to environments where we aren't subjected to double standards. And, because of societal stereotypes about how we are more nurturing (a synonym here for "less psychopathic" which is stat…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 05:05 PM
15

They don't believe that. They're laying the groundwork for them to excuse their low effort behavior by saying that a woman of your elevated caliber is above what they themselves can even begin to offer. If they actually felt they'd landed someone "out of my league," you better believe they are going to have an aneurysm keeping you around and happy. That's why they're in awe of you. Not enough awe to put down p0rnhub and remember your birthday, but it makes sense that a woman of your heaven-level…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 04:58 PM
4

She needs to file before he retires and she restarts her career in a financially meaningful capacity. What a toolbox.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 04:55 PM
5

So much. It's heartbreaking to even begin to think about it. If you think back a few centuries, most women had babies, lost the babies, had more babies, lost those babies - I can't even begin to imagine the shattering emotional and hormonal inertia that would induce. Then when child survival rates (and maternal mortality rates) improved, women had the time and emotional energy to demand inclusion in the economic sphere. Money is just liquid, easily transferrable power, so access to that has allo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 04:52 PM
5

This. the vows are only enforced for women, societally.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 04:49 PM
3

The big impact on women here is financial. 50+ year old women aren't a hot commodity in the employment market. If you've always worked, your salary is starting to slide about this time, and your ability to get job interviews also tanks. If you've been a SAHM ... even worse news.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 04:48 PM
14

This is sadly true, and many therapists encourage it. Most mothers are trying very hard under almost impossible circumstances. Most mothers have also been assaulted or battered or otherwise are bearing up under their own trauma. That shapes them into less healthy people and less healthy mothers too. It's fascinating how much mother hate really links back to an inadequacy or cr1minal behavior choice on the father's part. Even substance abuse by a mom often links to DV by the dad, if you read thro…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 04:45 PM
58

Yes. They can run from prehistoric tyrannosaurus rex across rocky, uneven ground in spotless dresses and tall white heels. *MAGIC*
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 04:43 PM
34

Men get married because they have the social clout of being a family man, a free housekeeper, a "legacy" pulled from another human's body, the salary boost granted because "he has family to feed," free child care, inclusion with other men at golf, friday happy hour, str1p clubs. Technically, too, he doesn't actually *have* to be faithful- other men and women will always cover for him - while being assured available sex at home (and everyone will tell on her if she strays ... if she can even find…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 04:41 PM
27

I'll check it out - thank you!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 04:37 PM
14

So much of what we project onto men and then love in them... is actually our own trait. I see so many friends fall for men because they think he has this quality or that quality - he usually doesn't, but she does, in spades. I think we feel we can't fully value and treasure strengths in ourselves because societally, these mean more when they are found in a man. So we look for the man who we can superimpose these traits on, value them in him, and (subconsciously) also feel validated ourselves. Al…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 04:37 PM
155

"Powerful" women who (a) use magic, or (b) have tiny non-muscular arms and wispy builds but the martial skills to take down armed, trained, dangerous teams of men twice their size despite not being armed or wearing body armor (which, really, is also magic if you think about it). Anything but what, statistically, actually does even the playing field between genders, which is to arm women with exactly the items and training that the men have. That's something I don't see in media or movies very of…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 04:30 PM
15

You're right about that. And those men are wrong and mistaken. I wish we would all just start telling men, "You're wrong."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 04:26 PM
17

This blows my mind. A dinner costs.... what? A birth, V-style, in US hospitals costs $4K with insurance. $15K c-section. More if complications or NICU. STD treatments cost ... what? Ab0rtions run about $400-600, right? Therapy and lost wages if your date morphs into the bear of Louis CK's date joke and assaults you = thousands of dollars. Cost of makeup, time, clothing = usually hundreds. Unless he's taking you to Ruths Chris and buying you the top bottle before flying you home in his private je…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 04:23 PM
2

I've done "coffee dates" - but they weren't dates. They were quick meets (usually set up by friends, back in the pre-OLD days) to see if there was chemistry. They were always going to be 30 minutes or less. They were always sandwiched between other outings. If no chemistry, you shook hands and moved on. If chemistry, the guy promptly scheduled another, proper date on another day (and you would of course move it to a day that worked for your busy calendar) so he could plan it and make a solid eff…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 04:19 PM
1

You took the words out of my head! I also feel so guilty for being happily married, and also worry about being around them when my husband is there, as it might trigger their husbands, or their husbands may influence him or they may feel even worse. Of course, I also look at my niece and daughter and want all the good things for them. I want them to hear about DV and coercive control and feel the same removed horror that we feel when we see photos of 5 year olds working at their jobs in coal min…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 04:16 PM
2

This is so validating, you don't even know! :D I was bitten (attacked really, but he was so tiny) by a chi when I was about 4 years old and am terrified of them to this day. Hard pass. Every other breed of dog is fine, though.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 04:13 PM
2

Agree. When I see more women heading men's leadership groups professionally, I promise to reconsider my stance. That's probably not going to be necessary in my lifetime.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 04:12 PM
3

I think every woman who can handle it (allergies, schedule, cost, etc.) should have a dog. Any dog is safer than none.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 04:11 PM
2

Same and they aren't. Although I can't say I've ever tried to keep a horse in a small one-bedroom apartment. I imagine it would also feel rather cramped. :D
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 04:10 PM
6

This stands out because he's the only guy I've done this with in decades on the planet. It's certainly not the norm, but he insisted on bringing his loaded f1rearm into my house when he was done with academy, against my wishes. (Not opposed, but zero reason for it to be loaded.) Then after I gently suggested that maybe we weren't a great long-term fit, he wanted to take a nap on my sofa, pretended suddenly to sleep walk, grabbed his FA and pointed it at me - all sleepwalking of course, natch. Th…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 04:08 PM
15

I wish I had more awards for this. History shows that for men, receiving any attention from women is fine. They have brothels and trafficking and slavery and concubines and harems - you think any of those women actually like them or want to be touched by them? No. Does that affect the men at all? No. Because for men, the value is *ACCESS* to women. To have access to you, they first must ensure you are aware of them. They have to have your attention. Starve them of female attention. It's the puni…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 04:01 PM
33

Oh lawd, the men who tell you how you're beating back the endless crowds of female competition for his attention!!! :D
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 03:56 PM
13

I like to point out that technically, I'm shorter than the average man, still. (I'm not - one inch over) ... since they're always shorter than me, it seems to short-circuit them for a bit.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 03:55 PM
12

"I don't know why I can't stop thinking about you - you're not even that pretty!" (on hearing I do highly skilled, niche, intellectual work that requires advanced degrees) *Snorts* sure you do. *stares at my legs, as I'm wearing shorts* (on hearing that I don't usually feel lust for anyone I don't have an emotional bond with because that's just how I'm wired) "Oh, man. My roomate's sister was r@ped too. Are you doing okay now though? " "I'm moving tomorrow ..... *pregnant pause, his guy friends …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 03:52 PM
3

Well, I'd make sure he has zero visibility into your daily life - but this is fairly borderline behavior, so I also wouldn't do anything he's going to interpret as aggressive. Move him to a special facebook group that can only see public posts and change visibility so he can't see any current posts. Explicitly block him on any social media of yours that he doesn't follow (so he can't track it down). You don't want him to see what you're doing currently, but you don't want him to be triggered by …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 03:38 PM
1

Wow. I ... wow. There is it, you're totally right. Buying the book now. Thank you!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 03:27 PM
1

I'm seriously wondering if this is actually from a woman I know. She got obsessed with a married man while *she* was married to someone else, stalked him (and his wife) online for two years, finally got divorced (shocking) as soon as this man's wife filed (he cheated a lot), they rebounded into a relationship with each other within a month of her filing to all of our shock ... and then it's been 4-5 years of this drama, to the detriment of their poor kids. The dates and timelines line up. There'…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 03:23 PM
21

Not a dumbass!! I think its so important that we model for our minds the kindness we deserve to receive from our partners. You were trying to turn your environment into one that offered the connection and bid response that every human's neurology requires for emotional and mental health. Your actions make sense!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 03:14 PM
37

So true. The "position of slavery" - such as it is - is located in the mind of the abuser, not in the body of the abused. Which is why you can swap out one wife for another, and the abuser's long-term treatment of the woman / women will not differ significantly between the two. The issue isn't the abused - how they act, what they say, what they look like - it is found in the belief system of hierarchical worth that's nestled firmly in the abuser's gray matter. The only way to affect change is to…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 03:12 PM
73

Almost all abusers say their victims hit / attacked them. If that is true, it was in response to violence or abuse, in most cases (reactive violence is the term). That's why I'm so very very very very cautious about men who say their exes were physically abusive and that's why they left. Inevitably, if I start to snoop, I find DV arrests and restraining orders that implicate the man at least a bit. I've certainly known women who violent, but it's never quite the life-threatening situation that i…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 03:03 PM
34

It's also a moot point, because technically (a) it's illegal in most countries to hit people, period, if they're not your wife; and (b) you shouldn't want to be in a relationship where anyone is hitting anyone. If hitting is happening and you're not once considering leaving or escaping the relationship, but instead gleefully plotting how to hit back.... that tells me you, on some level, are probably an instigator who is happy that their baiting worked.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 02:59 PM
54

The real issue is that they feel *entitled* to feel powerful and catered to, which is why they're miserable. Billions of women also feel powerless and miserable in their day-to-day lives (because they genuinely are). They typically aren't shooting things up or hitting people in fits of rage. That's because they've been told from birth that this is their place, and they watched it be their mother's place and her mother's place and their sister's places and they hope their daughters will escape, b…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 02:53 PM
157

Mass murd.erers frequently have DV arre.sts or convictions prior. It's mind-boggling to me that we don't immediately flag DV arrests involving firearms as potential mass terror1sts. That's the one red flag that's consistent across all religions, races, ages .... https://www.bloomberg.com/graphics/2020-mass-shootings-domestic-violence-connection/
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 02:50 PM
40

That's true. I'm thinking of some of the higher-value men I've known - they've always been good to their aging, injured, or sick pets over the years. I've never known them to rehome an animal that they've had for more than a year, for any reason, and they will adjust their entire day to ensure their very old dogs get the slow, boring walks (or "carried"s, LOL) that bring them so much happiness.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 02:47 PM
38

This is a good point. It's helpful to keep in mind that men are the ones who coined the title "man's best friend" for a hierarchical pack animal whose response to someone is largely determined by where that person falls in the pack hierarchy, and who are easily controlled and trained by something as ubiquitous as food. That's a powerful insight into what the male psyche thinks constitutes a "friend." Someone autonomous who is his equal is probably not going to align with that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 02:44 PM
3

BWAHAHA! yes. Chump Lady calls these "b1t(h cookies" - as in, of course you want a cookie for doing what I and most other adults do without reward as a matter of course. :D
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 02:41 PM
65

Ugh. Can you forward it to his wife?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 10:01 PM
14

Bwahaha! That's how I feel about Chi's! The long haired doxies are a lot saner and less twitchy, I think. The little mini's are too cute for words. Short haired doxies are little Napoleons and the wire haired ones are rat terriers with longer bodies. :D
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 09:58 PM
25

Danes are really the best option if you can get one young and ensure you've socialized it well. They're such couch potatoes and cuties, but so terrifying when they bark. And of course they're the size of livestock. I just couldn't grieve my dog every 5-7 years any more. I needed one that would last me awhile.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 09:56 PM
10

This. Exactly.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 09:53 PM
326

My best friends husband was launching and leading the "Women in Tech" Group for his Fortune 100 company while simultaneously going home and drugg1ng / b@ttering her. I'm ultra-wary of men who perform feminism as publicly as possible. Much like pedos who perform their religion and public service / volunteerism in front of as many church folks and grannies as they can gather. It's always a cover for something. There's a very sociopathic book by "Warlizard" that I don't see on amazon anymore, but i…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 09:51 PM
1

The downside of this is that you will end up paying alimony when he leaves if he's earning less than you. You would definitely want a prenup. (Statistically, that would also make him more likely to cheat and*less* likely to help with childcare and housework.) A guy who is much wealthier than you can afford the lawyers and legal fees to take the kids away and get out of child support (by obtaining sole custody), in which case you will still be on the hook for paying some child support. And the in…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 09:48 PM
131

I did date a guy who refused to accept a breakup once (and was a cop and - I found out well into the 2 months - was diagnosed twice by two different professionals with antisocial personality disorder). I just became the nightmare of every man's dreams. Dog-eared wedding magazines on the table. Constantly accusing him of hitting on every woman we passed. Never shaving. Limiting the showers. Texting him constantly and getting mad if he didn't respond immediately. Always talking about my exes. A ne…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 09:42 PM
51

Yes. They always DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim, offender.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 09:39 PM
26

county court records, too. always pull as much of a man's divorce as is public. Property tax sites for his county - who owns his house?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 09:38 PM
25

This is so true. I remember being in one group of single adults right after leaving college. I was pretty neutral - some guys kind of interested, some not, etc. - for the first year. The second year, a pretty impressive guy joined the group and started to show interest. I entertained it. Suddenly two of the "friends" I had got possessive and started doing that thing where you're not dating, but you're kind of hanging out so much you can't date others, and where they ask you out, but it's not ent…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 08:38 PM
15

I see many corporate women who climb the ranks excel in this particular skill set. So it's useful everywhere, not just in a tricky marriage.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 06:11 PM
67

Thank you for writing this. I'm so fortunate to have been myself raised outside of much of this, but have watched cousins and friends forced into these marriages. It is such a helpless feeling. I also think there is sometimes a sort of "survivor's guilt" if that is not our individual fate. At the end of the day, even being able to carry the beliefs of FDS is an incredible privilege for women. It's been potentially fatal for much of history to believe what we believe here, let alone say it out lo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 06:10 PM
62

Yes. I love when they speak out - it's interesting how their feedback momentarily leaves all the REEEEEEEEE guys speechless. What can one say to rebut that direct life experience, really? One of the more visible voices on that front: https://www.autostraddle.com/dr-ben-barres-knows-that-misogyny-in-the-sciences-is-real-143199/
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 05:56 PM
29

This is so true. The biggest shift mentally for me was going from, in my 20s, "I need to show up and attract men, appeal to men, draw to me the men, and from them I will choose (or be chosen) by the one" .... To, in my late 30s-early 40s, "I will infiltrate the group of men in my best disguise and watch them, unseen. I will choose my top 1-3 options. I will then specifically attract those men whom I have already decided are likely good men and a solid fit for me." Attracting a lot of predatory, …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 05:17 PM
146

There's a book that was recommended here a while back - "Predators" by Anna Salter. What stood out to me in the reading was her pointing out that these types of insane, pointless, unpredictable behaviors almost never happen in households where there are dogs. Any dog. My biggest and best deterrent when I was a single mom was my 85 pound ridgeback-GS mix. he was literally terrified of my neighbor's 8 pound cat, and a giant snuggle bug, but it was shocking how many maintenance guys' demeanors snap…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 05:10 PM
55

Go to Goodwill or a resale store and buy a pair of the biggest men's workboots you can find (they won't cost much). If you have reason to be particularly worried, grab a men's jacket too. (The point of buying them used is they should show a bit of wear. You want something that isn't fresh off the rack.) If you live in an area that allows fire arms, try to get a used g\/n cover and just leave it unzipped open and folded on a table off the the side. https://www.amazon.com/Allen-Daytona-Case-shotgu…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 05:05 PM
105

Having your partner leave you as soon as you're diagnosed is probably fairly aging too. She was kind enough to omit the fact that he didn't have to worry about that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 04:58 PM
312

This isn't the most popular thing to point out, but I have had two people in my life who decided to live life as women after being visibly male for two+ decades. All well and good. They then experienced some horrible comments and groping assaults which they interpreted as hate acts related to the fact that they made this change. As we talked though, it became apparent that they were, in fact, seen as women by the men who assaulted them. Women who chose to go to a public bus station in a large ci…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 04:42 PM
1

Honestly? If a woman doesn't center her own safety and emotional stability (or that of her children) in her own life, she's probably not going to be someone you want to admit to your inner circle. It sounds horribly judgmental to say, but that's been my experience. Some gals are on the way, but not quite there yet ... they make good acquaintances or general friends, etc. And some women are still riding the pickme bus 24/7 and aren't safe to give access to any part of your life. I hate that this …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 04:35 PM
2

I have no idea if the story itself is inspirational, but I love the song "Like my Father" by Jax. Definite HVM anthem and FDS aligned. (I think the singer is in another post here for her breakup text song with Lindsey Stirling - hilarious!)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 04:32 PM
2

Very true, good possibility. I hadn't though of that one!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 04:29 PM
3

Even children burst into tears at the idea of smashing a bug or hurting someone. They have the logical reasoning skills of a microscopic parasite.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 04:28 PM
4

It is sad, and it's a valid concern for many women. You're absolutely right.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 04:25 PM
9

This. I can't handle jokes about de.ad prost1tutes. Each one of those women was once a small, chubby cheeked precious baby, eager to learn about their little world. The loss of that potential and any gifts she carried should sadden us all, not be joked about as if her broken body is a cracked table leg tossed out back by the dumpster. Enraging.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 04:24 PM
40

Even when they do have laws, it somehow only becomes more horrible. This article was on another sub today (all the CW, TW, NSFW apply here): https://www.trauma-and-prostitution.eu/en/2016/11/02/the-german-model-is-producing-hell-on-earth/
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/21 09:22 PM
4

I'd keep it vague. It's not a red flag necessarily, but it's also entirely between him and his therapist, whose job you will never be taking over. :) You can support the fact that he goes, and not need to know the details. If he starts to use any of this as a bid for you to make your boundaries flexible, offer him "compassion," or otherwise tries to exploit your empathy, that's where the red flags should start to wave, IMO.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/21 09:16 PM
64

Many prosti.tutes cannot leave the field - they are trapped against their will, wages confiscated (whether by a p1mp or "housing costs"). That is sl@very, not work. Many prost.itutes are de@d in their early 30s due to injuries and illnesses acquired from their work. That mimics coal mining conditions of prior centuries - and we've used regulations and technology to remove (mostly male and child) human bodies from those he11ish conditions. It's time we do the same for women trapped in sl@very to …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/21 09:06 PM
43

I think the advice here on FDS is always great for weeding out LVM, but it's not going to eliminate the more psychopathic, smooth NegativeVM. Because they *do* have the actions firmly in place and you're vetting for more subtle emotional cues that their moral fiber is threadbare, and their bonding capacity doesn't exist. That said, they're usually at the top of the food chain, financially performative, vain enough to look sharp, and very very polished at getting into your head and creating an im…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/21 05:02 PM
6

I want to validate your comment - if I think of this in the two abusive relationships I've had, it's terrifying to think of setting this 'boundary" (because (a) it won't be honored, and (b) it's my partner would have retaliated). OTOH, in the other multiple fairly functional relationships I had, this really describes just normal sex, tbh. Asking would have felt perfectly safe, fun even - who isn't up for a good bedroom challenge? it might be helpful to be around different types of couples and re…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/21 04:57 PM
20

Both the OP and this response are Handbook material. Gospel truth.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/21 04:52 PM
30

There is no comparison between the amazing intimacy with men who don't watch porn and ... whatever it is we're settling for with men who do. Absolute night and day experiences. I'm surprised we use the word "sex" for both types of encounters, tbh. We really should have entirely different labels for it. And on that note, I must share one of my favorite articles this year. She said what she said: https://emmalindsay.medium.com/porn-makes-men-terrible-in-bed-6e4df5f73200
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/21 04:48 PM
27

True, but I think we acknowledge and hold space for the our sisters' instinctive knowledge of themselves and their environments - they'll know instinctively if this is safe to try. If it's not, they'll know what they can and cannot try. And hopefully, when they can, will leave for greener, happier, more orgasmic ;) pastures.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/21 04:45 PM
3

I've seen FMSP and BB and think it's two things: a. trying to monetize the SATC trend for a different audience; b. backlash against women's increasing economic independence across our community, and the ensuing demands for safety in public spaces. It's NOT an accident that these show are coming out just after the violence and abuse that women experience culturally has made national headlines, and created a globally dialogue about how these are *patterns* that our culture *allows.* What better wa…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/21 04:35 PM
11

I don't entirely agree that he's looking to be a provider .... Ironically, he moved on to a wife who is far, far more financially secure (from a family perspective) than his first wife. A Kennedy doesn't need a Pratt to provide for her, ever. So it's all the credit for providing and none of the pressure to provide. Which works for a psychopath - he's not at all looking to provide for anyone. He's probably more focused on bagging/babytrapping someone who will impress other men (and be forced into…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/21 04:07 PM
11

And women can also experience mildly painful tension from coitus interuptus... it's not unique to men. It's also not talked about, because then men would feel pressure to make intimacy worth our time.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/21 04:03 PM
6

That's one of my all time favorites. I saw it again not too long ago.... the author worked it into some poetry: https://newvoices.org/2019/05/15/and-the-sages-said-let-him-die/
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/21 04:00 PM
55

Honestly? If he wouldn't say it to his boss or his dad, he shouldn't be saying it to you on the first date. Men aren't intellectually slow. He knows better. He just thinks you don't.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/21 03:57 PM
6

I'm glad to see this. Dating in the wild wasn't particularly safe, and you'd have to date or be around someone for awhile before you'd get half the prompts that you see in one profile view on OLD. Not that OLD is all that safe either, but there are little things one can do to (hopefully) help minimize the risk. I think with OLD the mindset is that you're trying to get people to self-eliminate. Not by being negative (we all hate profiles that lead with what *they* hate), but by being almost a car…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/21 03:52 PM
4

I'd suggest making a fake profile - grab something off thispersondoesnotexist.com - and check out both other women's profiles on your app of choice, as well as the men (gay and straight). I think seeing that there are other very real, completely imperfect, but still rather interesting humans out there giving life a shot will give you the courage to do the same. To be open, I did this when I was getting back into the dating pool years ago, and made a male profile (clearly fake, one photo that was…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/21 03:44 PM
48

Yes, a thousand times. I've always said that if men were actually the husbands and fathers they pretend to be in public, feminism would never have even occurred to women. Working when you're pregnant is hard. Being a pillar of the community when you have a newborn at home is brutally difficult. Dealing with men in a world made by men for men so you afford to give your little ones food and a home and a good school is death by a thousand paper cuts. The fact that women everywhere are fighting for …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/21 03:35 PM
6

PREACH THIS!!! This is the sermon that I came to church for this morning! I hope every young lady on the planet reads this and either has the agency to do it, or can hold it in her heart as a future goal when she's in a healthier environment.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/21 03:29 PM
2

Right? to be fair, this was in my 20s. When I dated later, in my early 40s between marriages, this only happened one time. In my 20s, it happened so often that I came to expect it. Hopefully the world has changed for the better in this regard, at least. Although OLD didn't really exist and hookup culture was not as much of a thing then, so I can't imagine that this mindset or tactic has gone away.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/21 03:27 PM
63

Awesome ep, ladies! Nailed it again. Here's my theory on why men "police" women's standards: men are going to stick it in *something.* They are. In their fantasy world, it's their dream woman. IRL, their dream woman is (a) not attracted to them, or (b) doesn't exist (anime), so they think they're always hooking up with women they've settled for (i.e. beautiful women who are still better looking than they are), OR they're hooking up with whatever they can get. Cantaloupes. Hot Pockets. Petting Zo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/21 03:23 PM
14

Theatrical makeup / television makeup is so very different than IRL makeup ... and a lot of these makeup guides today don't distinguish between the two types of application and products. Bobbie Brown is a bit more old school with application videos and color choices as well.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/11/21 04:55 PM
76

I lost track of the number of men who would hear that I wasn't open to s@x until I knew them well and had an emotional bond and immediately faked sympathy and said some variation of, "Oh. I'm so sorry. When were you r@ped?" :o WHAT?! Never. "Oh. Was your dad ... you know?" "I'm texting him now. He's awesome. He never missed a piano recital when I was little." Predators going to predatate, I guess. They're looking for the injured gnu trailing the pack that they can take down with less effort.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/11/21 04:46 PM
1

I don't know that I'd say that about Asian women, necessarily. I see in my own world a more clear acceptance of men - who they are, what they are about, what they are there for, what they want. You give them that, you get basic subsistence as a result. Your mom and aunties help you screen (hopefully) for someone who is also not a threat - won't hit, will be kind (even if benevolent sexism), will be discreet if he has affairs, will "let" you work and keep your own money, will provide financially,…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/11/21 04:36 PM
19

The November hearings gave me hope. Many of the questions focused far less on actual abortion and far more on the patterns of overt disobedience toward the rule of law, and how it would look applied to other hot topics (e.g. gun control). Those aren't typically the questions of justices worried about the issue ... those are the questions of justices worried about being rendered powerless. I have a hunch that it may be scoped more narrowly (still enraging), but I doubt RvW will be tossed out by t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/11/21 03:39 PM
9

This. Or she'd be all "Hi, Jason." Him: *confusion* I'm Jake.....
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/21 01:37 AM
3

I wheezed. :D That's EXACTLY what happens IRL.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/21 01:36 AM
30

There are good men, but they're still mentally hierarchical to some degree. I've never met a man for whom sizing up and ranking every man (and sometimes woman) in the room immediately isn't an automatic thing. It's just a male mentality thing, I've decided. Frankly, a lot of "having good self-esteem" in a woman is not horribly different than showing up to your puppy training session with the same calm, in-charge demeanor and setting down your limits. You show up calm, in charge, acting like you …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/21 12:12 AM
26

Yep. It's fascinating, if you're in a co-ed group, to let drop that "my dad is great, he's always been supportive," "I talk to my brothers daily - they're hilarious," and "my ex and I grew apart, but he's got some great qualities and I appreciate his consistency and investment as a dad." You can literally see a few of the men immediately lose interest in you like a mask fell off their faces. And you'll become invisible to them moving forward. It's a great tack to both flush out some of the preda…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/11/21 03:50 PM
4

That always makes me laugh. Men will marry women that they aren't even attracted to for money to get through school! If you're sexually compatible with a hot pocket, my darling boy, you and I will be perfectly fine. Let's keep the focus on your social skills and ability to be empathetic, for now.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/11/21 03:47 PM
47

Oh, sis. I feel you. The train of muslim mommies passing through my living room after my divorce, asking for their sons.... :D One asked, after telling me that her son wants a pale woman and she wants a muslim woman, "Why did you divorce?" Me: "Oh, he just had a bit of a temper." Her: *patient tolerance of my naivety* "Oh, honey, all men have a temper, though, don't they? Are you a good cook?"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/11/21 03:22 PM
80

This. You can go to the "county court" website in the county where he lives / likely filed for divorce. Most of these have a "civil cases" docket search that lets you search by name. You should be able to (a) google the man / his kids' names and find the name of his (soon-to-be) ex spouse as well, and (b) search the court docket for her or his names and (c) have a case pop up that says "Divorce with/without minor children" that has a filing date, attorneys' names, and activity listed or schedule…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/11/21 03:13 PM
71

Hopefully she will look him up in the court's case docket online next time. There really is zero excuse for dating a man who is "in the process of divorcing" and not checking online to at least make sure the initial papers were filed and they have a case number and their assigned lawyers listed.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/11/21 03:09 PM
57

I knew it. The second her husband said everyone was mad at her for bringing them down ... nuhuh, sis. Normal, emotionally functional human beings do not feel rage toward someone waiting for potentially bad health test results because they're being serious. Whether it's a stranger or not, their reaction would range from "don't care much" to "OMG, are you okay? let us know what you find out!" Red flat one: that he even told her. (No one shares stuff like that, even if it were true in some magical …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/11/21 02:58 PM
35

I think that's also why the use of numbing substances are on the rise (and honestly, have always been somewhat popular among women) ... if you drink enough or sm0ke enough, you won't have to face how trapped you are in a world that doesn't care if it k1ll$ you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/11/21 03:24 PM
12

Yes. And honestly, if you pick up some androstenone pheremone (it's what men put out at the point of their orgasm and produces feelings of well-being and calm in women, as well as moderating some of our own hormonal fluctuations - supposedly), you can huff that if the craving hits and ... sis, you'll be fine celibate for another solid month. Easy Peasy. Women have a billion workarounds if actual sex is too dangerous or risky or unpleasant. And we are using them!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/11/21 03:23 PM
19

It's because in Sweden every single incident of sexual assault is counted. So if a man begins to sleep with a 16-year-old and he sleeps with her 450 times between her 16th and 18th birthdays, that's counted as *450* individual assaults in Sweden. (In the US we would argue over whether it should be considered one assault or a consensual age gap relash, and then Woody Allen would get funded to make a "warm, intelligent" comedy about it). I've also heard that Sweden's willingness to take in huge nu…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/11/21 03:18 PM
33

This. 100%. Women are not unintelligent - when we find a HVM, we do not divorce them. So no, they generally aren't single past a certain age. Rough truth and men tend to hate it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/11/21 03:11 PM
33

I LOVED Iceland when I lived there briefly. I'm sure men are men everywhere, but I would walk the around the city alone at night and ... nothing. If you passed a man, there was none of the "realization" on his face of what you were "signaling" by being out alone past dark in a female body. He'd make eye contact, give a nod (bored or friendly) and keep going every single time. I've talked with a lot of Icelandic women who certainly have their valid criticisms of the men, but most of these ladies …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/11/21 03:09 PM
27

I think women have a lot of humility built into our bodies and daily lives in that we have monthly pain and mess and blood with periods. We have to face down the risk of death to bring our biological legacies, new little lives, into the world. (And we do that naked and sweaty, highly vulnerable and in pain ... not a moment that feels particularly superior or like we are wielding power.) We're reminded of our limitations and humanity regularly by virtue of inhabiting a female body with its reprod…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/10/21 05:41 AM
3

We had more luck with blinkist for our book club - gals who really like a particular book would read the full book, while the rest of us would read the Blinkist summary in 10 minutes pre (or during) meet.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/10/21 08:06 PM
19

A tip that has helped me a bit is to look for women who have at least one sphere of their life that is full of men. Women who work in tech or construction or similar fields tend to deal with a lot of men a lot of the time, so they aren't suffering from a sense of scarcity when it comes to guys. They are also often more likely to be FDS-woke types because they've seen men's behavioral choices in the wild too often to discount them or buy into harlequin-novel-fueled stereotypes about men. (and if …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/10/21 08:04 PM
6

Realistically, too, erect1le dysfunct1on is fairly standard for men in their 50s and starts to show up around mid-30s for guys who don't prioritize their health. That's *normal*.... I have a personal theory that a lot of men think they'll playboy forever, and then have a few times where they finally get waved into the end zone and .... the goalpost won't stand up long enough to score. And after that happens - even more than receding hairlines and crows feet - they realize that if they want to lo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/10/21 07:32 PM
2

Does she not register the difference in male response to *this* scenario .... ...and male response if a group of men were injecting men in public places so they could maybe r@pe them later? Like, she has to register that even the #NAM guys are awfully laid back about this in comparison to what they do on behalf of their own safety, no?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/10/21 09:46 PM
2

They know. They just don't see us as actual people. They want to get into every other guy's Lamborghini. And the Lamborghini that no one has bought yet. But when they own a Lambo, they're going to hardcore make sure no one damages that hotrod. (here's where the vomit emoji goes when I can find it on this layout...)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/10/21 09:44 PM
24

This. Society centers men. Men's needs, men's life experiences, men's emotions, men's desires ... those are the foundation and center of our social fabric and our cultural trends. Women exist as a servant class to be utilized and consumed in pursuit of those trends and "needs."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/10/21 09:37 PM
35

We just had another murd@r su1cid@ in my town. A man murd@r@d his wife and child before sho0t1ng himself. Every headline but one is about how rising population numbers means an increase in violence ... or how we need more gun control. Only one called it DV and listed hotline numbers and websites for the local shelters (all of whom have 6-month or more waiting lists). We are a very blue / educated city, so I shudder to imagine what the stats are elsewhere. Choosing a bad man is a d@ath sentence. …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/10/21 09:35 PM
19

You're right. Ultimately, we will have gender equality when women have half the money. Think about it: all the things you want your Prince Charming for ... a good life, travel, great friends, beautiful home, good school for your kids, a body that doesn't age quickly .... How many of those things are just money? (Hint: all of them that aren't emotional intimacy.) Money will keep you safe. Money will keep you mobile. Money will get you the education and the travel and the wonderful home and school…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/10/21 09:28 PM
12

The Chump Lady deserves the Nobel Prize - she's brilliant. I lost count of how many hundreds of people I've referred to her blog!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/10/21 05:42 PM
8

It really is a whole subclass of human beings ... I don't get the mentality, but I know what you mean about them trying to befriend you. Definitely the only time I recommend you instantly block and delete a fellow woman.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/10/21 05:41 PM
9

Brilliantly put. It's rare to see such an expert breakdown of the DV/cheating circle - thanks for the post.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/10/21 05:37 PM
8

And it's not a popular thought (I've realized in talking to friends over the years), but ... wives aren't insignificant. A lot of wives have the capacity to absolutely wreck you. I've seen it happen to a few pick-me pals over the decades. Listen, sis, regardless of the man, she is coming for you forever. And you're not the only one discounting her - she can get you fired, audited by the IRS, deported ... and no one will give her a second glance. You think Monica Lewinsky is going to make a comeb…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/10/21 05:28 PM
2

Here's the issue, OP: There's a chance you'll be having daughters with this man. Your daughter's first experience of seeing herself through male eyes comes from her dad. Do you want this man's perspective of women to be her own perspective of herself? They're not as plentiful, but men who find this exploitation of women disgusting absolutely exist. I was raised by one. He also raised my brothers, who are the same way. They've walked out of "surprise" strip shows, left business meetings when thos…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/10/21 04:36 PM
93

This, a million billion trillion times. Men aren't all "no h0m0" because they're afraid of s@x with other men. They're that way because they don't want their friends to treat them the same way they see their friends treat women. Or the way they, themselves, treat women. They're not afraid of being gay. They're afraid of being "the b1t<h"... because they know exactly how they think about and treat the human beings in that category. They know. And we do not need to "debate" or "discuss" our humani…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/10/21 04:18 PM
95

Small things for me: I don't join men in criticizing a woman. I worked primarily in a male-dominated field, and was often the only woman in the room. You realize very quickly that many men match women for cattiness - but it's usually aimed at other women when you're around, as they expect you to join them easily. I simply steer the conversation to something I liked about the woman (even if, personally, I'm not her biggest fan). Me: "It was long, but she did a great job controlling the runaway di…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/21 04:31 PM
6

You took the words out of my mouth. Excellent post! And I second the Dworkin recommendation. Her book is both scathing and eye-opening at the same time.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/21 04:19 PM
3

This. I hope we bring in women of all walks. First, we build relationships with all women and send a message to men that they can't box us off from "their" women by coaxing these women into fields or lifestyles we disagree with. If she's willing to talk, we are there and we won't change *our* minds, but we want to listen and we think her life experience matters (something she's not getting from the men in her life in most cases). Second, we spread the FDS brand into spaces and worlds that otherw…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/21 07:45 PM
-7

Until we refuse to be as hard on women as men are, and we place solidarity based on gender over everything else ... we will never escape patriarchy. Meanwhile, David Axelrod and Karl Rove team up to smirk their way together through a Masterclass.com Series on "Campaign Strategy and Messaging." Men aren't going to reject other men for moral / political beliefs even when their own careers depend on it. That's why they are where they are.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/21 07:41 PM
31

It puzzles me that we are so reluctant to let critical muslim women speak openly about their experiences in Islam as women. I feel so much pressure to not share my experiences and it's only in conservative circles that I'm free to be honest about Islam and my experience in it as a woman. Both muslim circles and liberal circles (which I align with politically) are constantly telling me to shush or suggesting my experience is a one-off (it's not). That's quite disturbing, to be honest. ETA: not El…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/21 07:39 PM
2

That's a perspective I hadn't considered, but I do think you're correct in that simply forcing one to conform to beliefs they don't hold is never sustainable. Hopefully we can be open to dialog and I love that the hosts are setting a solid example of that. FDS is scoped to women, so the walks of life that bring women to FDS should be of interest to all of us hoping to affect change.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/21 07:24 PM
13

Men can leverage their wife's looks for social status among other men. He may be average, but if he lands the hard-to-find-fantasy football player or the hottest woman around that all his friends want - WOOSH!!! - his social standing skyrockets. Now his friends call him "boss" and "chief" and buy him drinks when they go out.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/21 04:00 PM
4

And if they get her, they'll decide they're even hotter than they thought they were, and try to get other (or hotter) women with their newfound "empowerment"...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/21 03:58 PM
4

I'm with you. I think both sides weaponize their stance to disempower women. Just from different angles.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/21 03:47 PM
31

I see a lot of women who are beginning to espouse feminist talking points ... embrace this "work with the men" ideology. I did too. Eventually you realize you can't, and you mature to a less collaborative stance. I got the sense that Elle is on the way, but still working out the details of her beliefs. We've all been there. It's understandable.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/21 03:46 PM
35

This is a fascinating aspect of SE Asian communities in the US as well, at least in my experienced. Everyone identifies as democrat (even in red states). Everyone holds religious views on gender that most closely align with conservative values. Everyone rants about how horrible republican candidates and elected officials are. Everyone votes for Trump because they don't want to pay more taxes (or, the guys, after a few drinks, admit they're not about to have a woman president). It's very convolut…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/21 03:44 PM
-33

IDK, though. Conservative women have immediate access to many of the men in power. As in, they live in their homes and sleep in their beds. Trust me, as distasteful as it may be to cater to people who refuse to acknowledge their own oppression in their own spheres, it's a powerful way to undercut the men who hold power and to advance women's issues more quickly. I'd also caution cutting out entire groups of women because we don't like what they've done or said. I'm old enough to remember the old…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/21 03:35 PM
-15

If you've bungled about in the goverment orgs that are tasked with enacting well-meaning policies (as she has in the military), I think it would be easier to separate political and moral values. I can mean well, but if I approve tons of money to a distressed area and the infrastructure delivering it - which is entirely out of my sphere of control - is a flaming dumpster fire, my intentions are meaningless, no one is helped, and the money goes into the pocket of a despotic dictator, who uses it t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/21 03:24 PM
-57

She's armed and well-trained in firearm handling from her military time. A guy can think he leads all day long, but she and he know he's not going to get too crazy ... :) That creates a mindset among a lot of gals in my region that the laws themselves are a bit less urgent to address because she's got her own sphere managed. Men manage to control themselves when everyone around them may be packing, and it's easy to forget the risk you face in the absence of that. That was the vibe I got. I think…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/21 03:18 PM
-6

I'm a bit surprised at the feedback. I love that a gesture was made "across the aisle" so to speak - it speaks to the maturity and open-mindedness of FDS (definitely not qualities that detractors mention often!). I also LOVE that it puts boots on the FDS desire to make life better for *women* - and women are not a monolith. Women come with different politics, religions, socio-economic experiences, nationalities, races, occupations, interests, etc. We are such a massively diverse group and we pro…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/21 03:10 PM
5

Absolutely this!!! You have so much runway to create the life you want. Excellent on you for realizing this so early!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/21 02:19 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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