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BlueHarvest17 Archive

View 2 posts and 118 comments by BlueHarvest17 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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1

I'm very sorry for both of you.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/25 01:29 PM
3

I have my daughter 50% of the time, and the 50% of time I don't have her is like being in another world. I use some of the time to plan stuff with her, or get stuff done so I can spend more quality time with her when she's here, but that's only a small part of the time. Her books and toys are all over, and it's just weird to see that stuff but not her. I do appreciate some of the time I have to myself, but again that's maybe like 10-15% of the void. Ugh.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/25 06:57 PM
1

Hang in there!
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/25 09:30 PM
3

It's normal and natural to be sad. Any of us would be sad in that situation. The thing is, don't run from the sadness. Acknowledge it. Talk about it or write about it. Process it. It takes time. Yes, there's a lot to be grateful for. Grateful that an awful situation isn't as bad as it could be. But that doesn't mean the awful part isn't awful. It's okay to say, this isn't the way I wanted things to work out. This isn't what was supposed to happen. The person I trusted the most wasn't supposed to…
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/25 07:25 PM
4

1) At 30 with no kids and no home you're in a pretty easy divorce situation. You have plenty of time to rebuild and not a lot of ties to one another. 2) I think the biggest reason my marriage failed was lack of communication and a subsequent build-up of resentment. In particular, I later found out my STBXW held a whole series of resentments against me that she never told me about and I never knew about. Had she brought them up productively (i.e. not just as complaints) we probably could have dea…
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/25 03:15 PM
3

You don't realize this now because it's so raw but two things: 1) She did you a favor. The person who can tell you you're "her person" while seeing someone else isn't a good human being, and isn't a good human being for you. There's no ambiguity about it...you deserve better. 2) You're 30 and you have a whole lifetime ahead of you. In a year or two you'll be shocked at how you think of things. You won't be thinking about her or your marriage, you'll be focused on other things. The trick is to ge…
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/25 03:09 PM
9

I'm pretty sure my STBXW either cheated or wanted to cheat. When I described the situation about how things happened, *everyone* is like, dude, she's cheating. A part of me *still* doesn't think she cheated. Just the logistics would be tough. When you say "I don't think she did anything though, but not because she wouldn't have." I think you have to ask yourself, why are you staying with someone who you know would have cheated on you if she could have? I don't think that's a fixable situation.
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/25 12:14 PM
6

At the time she brought up divorce, I was attracted to the person I thought she was, both physically and otherwise. Physically I'd say she's still attractive and (of course) has gotten herself in even better shape now that she's divorcing. But when I look at her now, I'm repulsed. Grossed out. I'm pretty sure she was not attracted to me anymore at the end. I haven't physically changed much during our marriage, so I'd guess for her it was more like the attraction went away when she emotionally de…
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/25 03:55 PM
7

My guess would be 3 things: 1) They can almost always find someone easier than the man can, so they're not worried about that. 2) In most of the cases I've seen, the woman will benefit more financially than the man and 3) based on the divorce groups I've been going to, almost all the women filed but it was because the man was cheating or an abusive alcoholic or something pretty bad. I'm not at all saying women don't do those things, but I would say of the 2 dozen or so women I've me in the group…
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/25 11:23 PM
6

How about going no contact with your STBXW and letting the lawyers handle it? As the famous saying goes, you don't have to show up to every fight you're invited to. You don't have to talk to her. You don't have to see her. You live separately already. If you're willing to pay whatever support is ordered, then pay a lawyer to get the support that's *fair*.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/25 06:56 PM
15

I think the secret here is to focus on YOU first, not finding someone else to make the center of your world. Make you the center of your world. All you have now is time and what to do with it...as the saying goes, you can get bitter or you can get better. Work on getting better. I'm 58 and in the process of an unwanted divorce where I thought my family was everything. I currently have no interest in dating and, guess what...that's totally fine. Maybe I'll never date again. Maybe I'll find someon…
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/25 02:18 PM
1

Here's the roadmap I've been following, and it's been working. It's not 100% perfect. There is progress, and there are setbacks. But overall I would say I'm much better off than I was when I started: 1) I try NEW things. Have an interest, or a hint of an interest in something? Do it! I've taken up rock climbing and roller blading. I've become a master gardener volunteer. I've met some great people. I've had fun. I've gotten out my daily funk for a bit. I'll take a random road trip or try a new h…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/25 04:01 PM
2

You didn't fail, your wife failed you. It seems pretty clear she was using you to buy her the house. No one ends a relationship like that unless 1) there's another person 2) they planned it all along or 3) there is something that happened that you're not telling us. You're 31....you have PLENTY of dating years left. And be glad you found out at just 9 months that it wasn't work...some people only find out after 9 years. It sucks, but you'll recover quickly. Hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/25 01:50 AM
14

I would never marry again. At the end of the day it's just a legal contract that often severely disadvantages one of the parties. What annoys me most about it is, my STBXW gets to break her vows to me, but yet I have to keep my legal agreement with her. It's a contract where a huge part of it can be broken without repercussions, yet another part will be strictly enforced. If the person who broke the marriage contract didn't get financially rewarded, I suspect there'd be a lot fewer divorces. No,…
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/25 01:42 AM
1

If it gets that far we're going to ask for alimony, but it's unlikely I'd get it. Still, it might help with me not having to PAY it.
/r/Divorce_Men05/07/25 01:24 AM
7

My STBXW said she "doesn't want a lot of money" and also wanted mediation, then in mediation her lawyer asked for a truly outrageous sum of money. We were in separate rooms and the mediator shuttled between us, and when the mediator walked in to tell us their "offer" she rolled her eyes and was like, "Yeah, I know, I know." When I made a reasonable offer instead, the mediator said she was surprised we hadn't just walked out of mediation. That was 4 months ago. We still have no deal because they …
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/25 03:14 PM
6

We're not even divorced yet and still living together and I find the summer difficult.
/r/Divorce_Men02/07/25 06:08 PM
10

My STBXW was/is struggling through perimenopause and her personality has definitely changed, and it seems pretty clear that contributed to the divorce. The sad thing is, I would love to have helped her through this period in her life and supported her.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 03:44 PM
12

I go to the gym and workout hard. I meditate. I call friends. I talk to my therapist. I joined a divorce group and talk to other people going through the process (this has been invaluable). I go for long walks. When I'm very upset/annoyed, deep breathing exercises help in the moment. Look up "box breathing." I look for distractions like watching a new TV show. I enjoy F1 racing so watching a race is a therapeutic distraction. When the other side isn't playing fair, remind yourself that it just r…
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/25 03:37 PM
7

If she doesn't want lawyers involved, you need a lawyer involved. She might want you to leave the house, but you don't have to. Call a few divorce lawyers. Most will do free consultations. Tell them what's happening and get an opinion. To repeat: Get a lawyer. Don't do anything until you talk to one.
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/25 07:50 PM
20

I'm physically repulsed by my STBXW (even though she is objectively attractive from a purely physical sense). We're still in the same house and I didn't realize she was home one time and I came in and saw her and I had a physical and mental "ewwwwww" moment. I'm pretty sure that was evident by the facial expression I inadvertently made LOL.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/25 01:01 AM
5

Keep in mind mediation will only work if both people want to make a realistic deal.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/25 12:48 AM
3

I had the same experience. First long solo trip with my daughter was amazing....no problems, no drama, just having fun and enjoying ourselves. No one complaining, and if some small issue did come up, we just dealt with it calmly.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/25 03:44 AM
2

I feel like that all the time. So many things, especially for our kid.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/25 07:49 PM
9

You are going through trauma. You lost the life you had and the future you envisioned, and you're probably questioning the past. That's a lot to go through all at once. And it came from someone you love and trusted. If you're not in therapy, you should get into therapy. A therapist will have the mental tools to help you cope. As others have said, this was probably something she's been planning for a long time. Emotionally she went through all her fears and sadness already. Your job now is to tak…
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/25 09:18 PM
3

It's not done yet but between two lawyers, a mediator, three experts, and whatever else it's probably close to $75,000 so far. And the outcome is likely to be exactly what I offered and predicted on Day 1. It's frustrating.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/25 01:06 PM
3

I would talk to her about it and let her know how it's impacting you. That's something a healthy couple should be able to discuss. And if you can't, that's also something you need to know. If she did divorce you, it's probably better for you if she's employed in terms of alimony, so maybe that's not actually what's on her mind.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/25 11:33 PM
1

Yes, that's the same paragraph I cited. They say the data "suggests" their conclusion. The data could suggest a lot of different conclusions based on the same numbers though. Also, reading this again, it doesn't seem plausible that there are only 400,000 people in the US receiving spousal maintenance. There are something like 60,000,000 married households in the US. If only 10 percent of them divorced, there'd be 6,000,000 divorced couples. And of those 6 million only 400,000 have spousal suppor…
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/25 01:59 PM
1

In person. Look up Divorce Care...they have groups all over the country. It's religion based (I'm not religious) but that's only a very small part of it that you can ignore if you choose. Otherwise it's just people struggling with the same issues you are, and offering each other help and support. I also found a local group via Meet Up. That one is less structured but also useful.
/r/Divorce_Men05/06/25 01:43 PM
1

It's incorrect that I belong to two divorce groups and when the man is the lower-earner they go for alimony? Because I'm pretty sure I go to the groups and talk to the people and that's what they say. Also, if you read the article the number they cite is made up. They say the data "suggests" something because they apparently don't have an actual statistic.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 07:41 PM
8

I belong to two divorce groups with a mix of men and women, and if the man was the lower-earner, they all went for alimony. Forget 9/10, not even 1/10 took "the high road." The world isn't full of noble men (or women) taking the high road, it's every person for themselves after divorce. One guy cheated on his wife with multiple people over the entire course of the marriage, and she still has to pay him.
/r/Divorce_Men04/06/25 06:16 PM
6

Get another attorney. When I did a consult with mine they'd basically laid out everything that might happen for me and were very helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/25 12:55 AM
1

Probably true. And in the reverse situation I bet there are men who've done the same thing. In fact, I know a woman who's husband left for an affair partner, that partner dumped him, then he tried to get back together with his wife and undo all the financial damage he'd done to himself...but it was too late. I go to a weekly divorce group so I see a lot of both sides to this equation. Basically the lower/no earner is always looking to get a leg up on the high earner, whatever the gender. And if …
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 09:20 PM
1

It depends on the guy. I'm a vastly different person now than I was 10 years ago. And 10 years ago I was vastly different than 20 years ago. I know a lot of guys in my circle who've changed. I also know a lot who haven't.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 08:18 PM
10

Agree he was just trying to do his best, like many people in divorce. But be real, it's not a women-only issue. Plenty of men don't keep their commitment either. I met a woman last night whose husband not only left the marriage, he doesn't even want partial custody of the kids. Another woman's husband left for a co-worker half his age and won't help with the kids. Some men don't keep their commitments, and some women don't keep theirs. It's not a gender issue. And yes, he needs to let her go. No…
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/25 01:42 PM
3

It's all SUPER hard. At times unbearably hard. I'm right there with you today...also feeling depressed and a bit lonely. Right now I'm just sitting with it, because I know it will pass at some point. There will be moments of joy and happiness, but right now I'm not in one of those moments. I plan to talk to a few friends later and am going to a divorce group tonight. Hopefully that will help. Hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/25 03:16 PM
1

I would also get a jolt of anxiety every time my lawyer sent me something. Now I get her emails and I'm just like, eh, I'll deal with it later. It does get better.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/25 01:48 PM
2

I have constant anxiety when talking my lawyer, partly because to her this is just one more out of hundreds of cases she's seen, but for ME it feels like life and death. Her energy doesn't match mine, and it's hard. And a huge part of it is the constant uncertainty of what CAN happen vs. what WILL happen. There are so many variables that I could be okay or totally screwed. That lack of control is crazy making. I deal with it by doing deep breathing when it's really intense (google "box breathing…
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/25 01:22 PM
2

Good luck! It's hard, but it's not impossible. And the more you do it, the better you'll get at it.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/25 03:57 PM
1

Join a volunteer group of some kind. There are all sorts of them. You'll get in contact with other people and do some good. When you go to the gym, introduce yourself to some of the regulars you see there, or even the trainers. I'm "gym friends" with all the trainers where I work out. Take a class of some sort. Anything that seems interesting. I think it's harder for guys to build new networks because society has put us into less social roles, but you can do it. I volunteer at the local arboretu…
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/25 03:35 PM
7

The reality is she is probably not going to change her mind. It's probably not out of the blue for her, she's likely been planning this for a while. BTW my STBXW said the same thing, I convinced her to go to couple's therapy, we agreed to stay married, than she changed her mind anyway. Now we're getting a divorce. You need to start planning for what comes next. Call a lawyer (most will do consults for free) and find out what the process is in your state/area. You have to understand the divorce l…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/25 02:00 PM
1

It's a valid question. The answer is, do the best you can and make it the best experience for your kids, regardless of the circumstances. Try to make it as fun as possible, and change the circumstances when you can. I feel your pain as a guy trying to keep his house for the sake of his daughter.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/25 04:52 PM
1

Listen to a podcast, or an audio book, or music. Call a friend or family member. Put on a movie you like in the background. And, as others have said, get out of the house. Go for a walk. Go to the gym. Go to the grocery store. Look for a divorce group in your area like Divorce Care.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/25 01:42 AM
7

Just had this conversation with my STBXW. She told my daughter in front of me that while I did my own laundry, I never did my daughter's laundry. Not only did I do it often, I folded it and put it away immediately. When my wife does it, she leaves it in a pile on the couch until I fold it and put it away. Like, putting kid laundry in the machine is way easier than folding tiny clothes! Overall I would say, yes, she did more of my daughter's laundry than I did but, but because I was also working …
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/25 05:20 PM
6

Look at it this way...why do you want to give her MORE of your life by comparing yourself to her? Same for my wife...walked into the marriage with nothing, I supported her while she started her own practice, then I lost my job and she decided to leave me and NOT support me with the practice I helped her start. When it first happened, I was angry and bitter. Now...I don't care. She can do whatever. I'm not giving her any more of my mental energy. Maybe she'll be better off, maybe she won't. I jus…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/25 02:01 AM
12

I feel bad for many of them. In a few cases their husbands were cheaters. Or the husband was a gambling addict. There are very few cases where the woman just left for another person or for not particular reason.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/25 02:08 PM
18

I think a huge part of it is, it's a viable option for them. They'll often get money and will have another guy pretty quick if they want. I will say, I go to a divorce group that's 90% women, and many of them are not living the high life on their husband's alimony. Most of them are struggling financially, and they have a hard time getting a job because they were stay at home moms and have been out of the workforce for a decade, and they have no time for dating. In many cases they are worse off f…
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/25 01:40 PM
4

Objectively you should feel sad and depressed if you're sad and depressed. It's normal and natural in a situation like ours. You lost 50% of time with your kids...that alone would do it. You lost the future you thought you've have, the life you thought you were living. It's a lot. That doesn't mean you don't have good things. You do. But you can also have low self-esteem because of divorce and have a good job and a house. You have to go through a period of grief and reinvention, and that's HARD.…
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/25 12:23 AM
14

Because my STBXW is a different person than when I met her 16 years ago. Over time she changed and I changed. The person she became...I don't recognize any more. If she were the same person, I would still want to be with her. We were a team, we had each other's backs, etc. Now she just wants $ from me. It's pretty crazy.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/25 01:55 AM
5

I would never get married again because at its core it's a legal contract that favors one side or the other. I suppose if I were the side it favored I wouldn't be too worried, but being on the other side is brutal. Also, people will change a LOT over time. You will be a totally different person at 44 than at 24, and they will be too. I would not legally bind myself to someone for life knowing that we'll be different people in 10, 20 and 30 years. If you do get married, keep your accounts separat…
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 06:11 PM
7

I'm in mediation. It's not going well. My wife has asked for double what she'd likely get awarded in court. I responded with an offer of what she could reasonably expect to get. They lowered their crazy offer to slightly less crazy but still insane. I offered more than she was likely to get in court, plus she's the one who wants the divorce and this would be the quickest resolution. They didn't respond at all to that offer (which I said was my last because I wasn't going to negotiate with their …
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/25 09:24 PM
1

That sucks. I'm sorry that happened.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/25 01:03 PM
4

Think about it from your kids' perspective...this will make it much easier on them. You can't legally prevent your wife from moving near you, and I suspect you'd only get more child support if you had a formal custody schedule that said they were with you more. When we eventually split houses, I'd personally love my daughter to be around more often.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/25 01:45 AM
3

Ha ha awesome!
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/25 01:44 AM
8

I'm a man. I've been on the r/divorce forum for a year. I've never had any issues and I find most people there to be very supportive. I haven't noticed any extreme feminism. I've been involved in thoughtful discussions about custody, mediation, getting through the trauma of divorce, etc. No one as ever told me to go girl or divorce his ass ;)
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/25 11:51 PM
2

Ha, thanks. I've made my peace with it. Her behavior isn't that of someone I could love or trust anymore, so I've come to realize I was in love with a fake persona she presented. I'm not sure for how long...I suspect more years than I'd like to think. But that's on her for not being honest, not on me for being trusting. I feel like I've become a better person and a better father since she asked for the divorce, and I know now I deserve better too.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 07:01 PM
4

My wife is divorcing me and I didn't do anything wrong. No cheating, not abuse, etc. A lot of people think she might be cheating on me but I've seen no hard evidence yet. It might be the case that she has someone she wants to date, but again I've seen no evidence. So I will assume she isn't cheating. She did ask for a divorce right after I lost my high-paying job, so not sure if she was hanging on just for paycheck or not. According to her the reason she wants a divorce is she just doesn't love …
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/25 05:28 PM
3

I'm sorry to hear that but glad you know the truth. Now you can start to heal and recover from her mental abuse. It's a tough road, so hang in there and be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/25 01:48 AM
3

I would consult with a lawyer, see what the law says you're required to give her if you go to court, and offer that. If your money is all marital funds, you'd likely have to give her half.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 04:02 PM
20

I hate to say this but I would 99% bet she's cheating on you. You don't get over an 8-year marriage in 3 months unless something else is going on. FORCE yourself to go to the gym. You need the endorphins right now. Get a therapist ASAP. You're not only losing the marriage and the life you thought you'd have, you're being betrayed. Hardest thing you'll ever go through.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/25 01:18 PM
2

You have to start making friends. If you just depend on the next person you date to be your social circle, it's going to be hard. Start by saying hi at the gym to the other people you see there all the time. I'm now friendly with a few of the trainers that work at my gym just by saying hi to them and asking them if they're trainers. Now I walk into the gym and they all say hi to me and we chit chat. Take a class in something. Maybe a cooking class. Maybe a rock climbing class. Whatever seems eve…
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 04:22 PM
3

Ha ha same. Drive around all by myself with no issues at all. One time I asked her, if all these accidents are about to happen, how come not one car near us has ever honked or swerved? She was like, "I don't know, but it's really dangerous." So dangerous that no one but her noticed!
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/25 01:40 AM
9

My wife would constantly flinch in the car as if we were about to get into a major car accident when nothing was happening. Like, if we were just driving alongside a truck or something she'd act like it was about to ram us. It got so bad I had to ask her to stop doing it because I'd panic thinking we're all about to die, but all around us was calm. Ugh. Won't miss that.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/25 05:30 PM
13

I never noticed just how negative my wife was towards me until we've basically stopped communicating while we sort out the divorce. The less she knew about something, the more sure she was I was doing it wrong, even though it was being done correctly. Seeding the lawn? That looks wrong to me. Changing a furnace filter? Are you sure that's the right way. Moving a plant in the garden? You sure you're not going to kill it? It's been a relief not to constantly second guess myself after doing some ta…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/25 03:03 PM
1

Good job so far. Go get those clubs and get lessons! I hope she'll give back the diamond and things go smoothly for you.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/25 09:34 PM
2

I'm glad it's helping you. It sucks to go through this, but we'll all end up stronger for it.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/25 03:15 PM
13

1) Get a lawyer so you can understand what you are and aren't entitled to legally in your area. They will do consultations for free. Hire one you like. 2) Get into therapy. 3) Talk to close friends and family to get support. If you don't have close friends and family, #2 above is even more critical. Also, I find talking to ChatGPT quite helpful about divorce. Consider going to a group like DivorceCare (google it). 4) You might want to be friendly with your ex, but realize she isn't your friend. …
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/25 12:31 AM
2

You'll get there! Make sure you do the work...I go to therapy. I go to the gym. I meditate. I've widened my friend circle to get more support. I journal if I need to. I listen to what my needs and I take all the love and care I used to put into supporting my wife and put it into supporting myself instead. I would say I only felt like I was coming out of the fire at maybe 9-10 months.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/25 02:06 PM
0

A good lawyer will.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 02:24 PM
3

Do you have a lawyer? If she's able to work full-time, they might be able to impute a higher income to her that's fair and reasonable. Why does she have so much $ and you don't? If you have marital assets, depending on where you are, you would divide them in half. If you don't have a lawyer, get one ASAP.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 02:23 PM
10

I just had mediation yesterday. My STBXW put a CRAZY proposal on the table. So we asked where they got their numbers. They declined to answer. So we said, we'll, we're going to ignore that in its entirety because it isn't based in fact unless you can show otherwise. Then we said, here's what we believe both parties are entitled to under the law, and we spelled out why. They countered with a slightly less but still outrageous number, hoping to drag us to some middle ground favorable to them. We a…
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/25 10:58 PM
1

That's fantastic. It's a hard road. We all deserve happiness at the end of it.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/25 09:12 PM
4

Yes, the sadness about the end of my marriage is over. The sadness about how this will impact my 9-year-old daughter remains, and that's normal and natural. I never wanted this life for her and it's not my choice, but I can only control what I can control. Honestly, if we didn't have a child together, 12 months later I think I'd mostly be over it. We were together 16 years and married for 12, but the last few have been a struggle. Ironically we did about a year of couples therapy and then agreed…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/25 01:55 PM
1

That's a very solid base to build on because you're taking care of yourself. Bank that $ and spend it on yourself when you start to come out of your funk. Try some new things...take a class. Go on a trip. The important thing is, do something that's NEW to activate the circuitry in your brain and revitalize it.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/25 02:44 PM
3

I used to feel that way. (For context my STBXW asked for divorce a year ago, we're in mediation now, she chose to leave after I lost my job when my industry tanked, we have a 9-year-old child together). I would say it was easily 6 months before I even remotely started to care about anything. But what I did is just start doing things anyway, and letting my interest catch up to my actions. Now I look forward to rollerblading class with my daughter on Saturday mornings, I look forward to a weekly c…
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/25 02:18 PM
2

My brother, you were not weak for trying to save a relationship you believed in and cared about. It's a sign of STRENGTH that you wanted to make things work. I don't know what it is about women (my STBXW included) that make them able to just stop caring, but that doesn't mean we're wrong for still caring. I'm glad you've achieved indifference. I'm mostly there myself, except we have a kid we're going to have to co-parent for the next decade so we'll still have to interact.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 07:50 PM
1

I know you're tempted, but don't. It's over. Nothing you do will change it. It's very, very hard to accept, I know. But what she wrote is clearly designed to absolve herself of guilt and make you not mad at her.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 07:48 PM
10

I know it doesn't feel this way now, but you've been given a LIFE sentence. A life free from someone who isn't your friend, who doesn't love you, and who you will ultimately be better off without. It's brutal now but in time you'll realize this person isn't for you.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 06:38 PM
2

It's for everyone and not just for men, but I found DivorceCare to be helpful. It has a religious component and I'm not religious, so I just tune out that part. But the people I met -- both men and women -- have been incredibly supportive and helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/25 04:43 PM
1

First, I let myself feel sad because it's a sad situation. It's normal to feel sad. You should feel sad. So, take some time just be sad for a bit. Then, come up with something that might make you feel better. Could be something small, like going to the gym, running an errand, getting a coffee, walking around the block, calling a friend, playing a game. Whatever. Just do something good for yourself. 27 years is a long time. It will take time to get over. But, allow yourself that time. If you sit …
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/25 04:10 PM
1

Talk to a lawyer ASAP. They will know what will happen in your area. They will do free consultations. Call a few and pick the one you like best.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/25 02:43 PM
2

Oof that's awful. I'm sorry she was so terrible.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/25 02:40 PM
10

I know of a couple that got divorced, both then married other people, both then divorced those people, then they got remarried. As far as I know they are still together.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/25 02:39 PM
2

Yeah it was a pretty unpleasant experience to commit to the marriage than have her change her mind with no reason give and no chance to work on it more. Most everyone suspects she's seeing someone. I've seen no proof of that so not sure what to believe. Doesn't matter now, though.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/25 12:14 AM
5

Caveat: We did couples therapy for 6+ months, agreed to stay in the marriage and work on it, then my wife changed her mind and ended the marriage anyway. It's unclear if she was seeing someone on the side or not. That said, I think therapy can work if both people are committed to trying. I realize in hindsight that my wife wasn't trying, and our therapist wasn't experienced enough or strong enough to call her out on it. I say this because when I described my experience to others who'd been in co…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/25 04:17 PM
5

It's very, very difficult. You have to grieve not only the relationship you had, but the future you thought you'd have, and you're probably questioning the past as well. And it's all be doing to you by someone you love and trusted. And now you're worried about how it will impact your son. That's a lot. That's a crazy amount of stuff to deal with. The first step is, let yourself grieve. Grieve the relationship, and the future you thought you would have. This is not a quick or straightforward proc…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/25 03:34 PM
2

I go to Divorce Care and I'm not religious. You can just tune out the religious stuff if it's not for you, and the rest of it is just other people going through divorce, sharing their stories and supporting one another. I would recommend it. Get a therapist. It will help a lot. Join Meet Up and see if there are any divorce groups in your area. Talk to a lawyer ASAP. Know what you are and aren't entitled to. Your wife has probably been thinking about this for a long while and is WAY ahead of you …
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 02:24 PM
4

It's interesting because we have a 9 year old daughter who will just deny everything immediately, even when it's not a big deal or something that was wrong. And it took me a while to realize, oh, she learned it from her mother. Which made me realize how much my STBXW actually does it and I don't even notice anymore. To be fair to my STBXW, I think that was the family system she grew up in. But also she's 49 years old and can learn to do better (and she's a therapist), the same way I had to unlea…
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 02:14 PM
4

The one theme that has arisen during my divorce is that my STBXW refuses to take responsibility for any (or at least many) of her actions. And it turns out she casually lies quite a bit. She's not overall a liar who lies all the time, but she's definitely done a few things and then later been like, that never happened. And I'm like, well, yeah, it definitely did and here's the proof (an email or whatever). And she STILL will deny it. It's baffling. It's like her ego isn't strong enough to admit …
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 01:57 PM
7

In one of our couple's therapy sessions the therapist suggested we take each other out on a date. My STBXW never set up a date, however, and when the therapist asked her why she was like, "I can't stand him." Um, okay, two days before that you said you loved me. So who were you lying to, and why even say you loved me if you didn't? Eh...good riddance. I definitely deserve better, but it's our child who will suffer the most.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 01:29 AM
6

OMG that's so awful. I'm so sorry you and your kids had to go through that (and still are).
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 01:27 AM
3

Very sorry, but glad you're determined to come out better. Same over here.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 01:26 AM
7

So brutal. I'm sorry.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 01:25 AM
6

The fact that my wife asked for a divorce right after I lost my high-paying job. Yeah, I get it now...I was a paycheck for you, and now our 9-year-old daughter will suffer the consequences. Luckily I have a lot of pre-marital assets so I should be fine, but...wow, I found out who she really is. Gross.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/25 01:25 AM
12

I think if we're being honest, most of them don't regret it. The #1 regret I see expressed by women who divorced is that they didn't do it sooner. For some reason women are much more able than men to simply just check out of the relationship and stop caring. Which is baffling to me (and I'm one of the guys whose wife is leaving him) given that they are supposed to be more caring and nurturing.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/25 07:04 PM
3

I did. It has been more helpful in retrospect than I thought it was at the time. I'm not religious and there are some short videos you watch in the beginning and sometimes they're like "put your trust in god" and those I just ignore. But otherwise it's just a bunch of people who are all going through the same thing and they share their experiences and help each other. And even though my group was mostly women, I found their perspective very helpful. A lot of their husbands were horrible...having…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/25 11:21 PM
3

Thanks, and good luck to you! Would't wish this on anyone, but we'll find a way to deal with it.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/25 08:30 PM
8

A few things: 1) You should be in therapy but so should your son. That's a lot to process at 13 and he won't necessarily want to do it with his parents. 2) I have a 9 year old daughter who doesn't know yet. When the divorce is final, I'll probably have 50/50 custody. While I grieve for myself, I REALLY grieve for my daughter. She doesn't deserve this. I cry when I think about it. I cried this morning because her mom has been spending more nights away lately (allegedly staying over at her sisters…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/25 04:55 PM
1

Get a lawyer no matter what. Even if you're both trying to be reasonable now, there is no guarantee that will continue in the future, especially if one person thinks they deserve something and the other person doesn't. These decisions will impact the rest of your life. Getting a solid legal opinion is the least you can do to help yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/25 05:41 PM
3

I'll be honest, a lot of days I "fake it till I make it." I do things I think I should be doing even when they seem empty and hollow. Because they don't always feel empty and hollow, and they feel less fake bit by bit. I learned to ski. I took up rollerblading. I cook more. I'm starting a small company. I try to reach out to new people. It all helps. One rule I have is....TRY EVERYTHING. If I even think I might like something, I force myself to do it. Because having NEW experiences really, reall…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 01:55 AM
1

"Land Rovers need constant fixing." That made me LOL.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 01:49 AM
2

Dude that was epic. And spot on. Can I get a hug too?
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 01:49 AM
1

Even though my wife told me a year ago TODAY (as it turns out), my girl still doesn't know. We've been awkwardly living together while we figure out the divorce, which in our case is very complicated. We're in mediation and may finalize things this month. Side Note: I was wondering why I feel so down today and realizing it was exactly a year ago today that my wife told me has got to be the reason. So this has been very helpful to know!
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 04:00 PM
1

Definitely. The one I remember most is, I went to Costco, saw a storage bin that my wife and I had been talking about getting for storing outdoor couch cushions, and it totally broke me. Best thing to do is let yourself FEEL those emotions. Don't push them away. It's part of the healing/grieving process. And know that it shows you're a great dad. I too feel terrible for my sweet, wonderful daughter. But the fact that we feel that way means we'll do the best for them.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/25 02:32 PM
3

I just want to say, well done to recognize that you're the one that will break the generational trauma. It's HUGE to be able to know that, and also to be able to do it. Also, the "repair" part of conflict is so important. You're my hero today!
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/25 10:57 PM
4

Learn how to be happy with yourself first and foremost and not to feel the need to have someone else make you happy. You'll be a lot more successful in all your relationships then. Make sure to have friends and friendships outside your marriage....don't make your marriage your sole focus. Learn how to communicate well. Letting stuff build up or go unsaid is going to kill you over time. Learn how to set appropriate boundaries. And very importantly, know that if you get married, it's both a loving…
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/25 10:55 PM
12

I think everyone getting married should be required to understand what would happen in a divorce. How things would be divided, etc. Looking back, I wish I'd known.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 09:59 PM
3

Talk to a lawyer ASAP. They will walk you through what will happen and how it will go.
/r/Divorce_Men08/01/25 09:41 PM
2

It's totally okay and normal not to be ready to date. Go on your own timetable. When you're ready, you'll know it. And I think you also know you're not ready now. That's totally okay. Everyone is different.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 06:58 PM
2

I'm in the middle of it but I would have gotten a more aggressive attorney. Not a CRAZY aggressive one, just one that I felt advocated as strongly for me as would reasonably be possible, as opposed to being very accepting of certain things. We're in mediation and I get "We can't ask for that" a lot, but I'm like, why not? We can ASK and see what happens. Meanwhile my wife's attorney has no problem asking for EVERYTHING. It's frustrating but I'm having a consult with another lawyer and may switch…
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 06:53 PM
6

That made me LOL. Thanks for giving me a chuckle on an otherwise pretty dreary day.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/24 06:49 PM
2

Met her at a friend's bday party. We became friends and hung out a lot. After several months I initiated dating. During dating there were red flags and I pulled back. She, who was a therapist, suggested couple's counseling. I thought that was a positive sign...that she wanted to work on things together. So we did, and it helped. Also she, a therapist, wanted to start her own private practice. I thought that was positive...I'm an entrepreneur by nature. Sure, she would randomly accuse me of small…
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/24 12:29 AM
10

You will get over her 100%, but there is no timetable for that to happen. People grieve in different ways, and for different lengths of time. The thing to do is just keep working on yourself. Let yourself grieve, but also start doing NEW things that will get you a different perspective than you have. My experience is that people who have not been through it have no idea how traumatizing divorce is. You lose both the life you had and the life you planned. In many cases the person you trusted most…
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/24 08:33 PM
1

I don't understand this. I could never not love my children, and would never abandon them because of something they don't have any control over. If their mother were bringing them around another man, I would make SURE that they knew I was their father and the one that loves them and will stick by them forever. That's what a good parent does for their kids. You need to be there in spite of hard things.
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/24 07:11 PM
5

How can you not love children you raised as your own? It's not the kids fault their mom lied to you and them. If you were the kids, would you want the only dad you knew and grew up with to suddenly abandon you?
/r/Divorce_Men20/12/24 04:49 PM
1

Thanks. I haven't been able to find anything yet, though I've applied to lower paying, lower position jobs that I'm more than qualified for. I'm in a pretty similar situation to your friend (he was doing better than me though!). The maddening thing is, me being generous to my wife in good times is coming back to kill me now that the good times are over. I lost my job and within 2 months she started talking divorce, and it's pretty clear just to get what she can get. It's pretty sickening when th…
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 06:00 PM
1

My lawyer has been pushing for me to do it. She's worried that absent getting a new job that will reset the notion of what I can make (and I haven't been able to get one so that's not an option), a judge would look at how much I used to make, impute an unrealistically high salary, and I'll be more screwed. It feels like my options are, get pretty screwed or really screwed, all while my wife has a job and I don't.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 02:34 PM
1

Film and TV
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/24 10:03 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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