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DopamineDebtCollectr Archive

View 0 posts and 36 comments by DopamineDebtCollectr on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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2

Mine monkey-branched as well and had me doing the pick me dance for 7 months (we were living separately, but supposedly still faithful to each other) before I confirmed my suspicions of it. I was sleeping HORRIBLY for the time she was gone. I'd wake up in the middle of the night and find it impossible to get back to sleep. I also missed the ability to reach over and put a hand on her arm at night. She started moving her stuff out after I filed for divorce (it could be final next week). I decided…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 06:07 PM
2

My divorce could be final in less than a couple weeks. We've been separated for 9 months and I found out she'd been having an affair in that time. 21 years, 18 married, 2 kids (I'll have primary custody of the kids). I've been through a lot of introspection in the past 9 months, from learning how to be a better partner and make marriage work, then suddenly pivoting to betrayal trauma and what my choice in partner says about me. I've been a little more active and working on the wardrobe. I've got…
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/26 07:35 PM
1

Hey man, I'm sorry you're going through this. As for your questions at the end? Totally normal. Read or listen to "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life". The audiobook narration is fantastic, if you want to listen while you're doing other things. It'll help you see that your feelings are extremely common for those of us who were betrayed. We were separated for 6 months when I confirmed my suspicions of her affair. I had told her to go stay at her mom's for a week or two because she was neglecting me and…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/26 10:50 PM
12

I'm sorry you're going through this. The best thing you can do right now, IMO, is read or listen to "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life." It'll let you see your situation, your feelings, and your wife more clearly. You're going to be thinking very irrationally right now and for a while. You might feel like the best thing you can do is pursue your wife to bring her back to you and keep your family together. We all do it. The book will help you see that we all do, and that it's the exact wrong thing to …
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 07:59 PM
2

What are the red flags you've seen?
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 01:05 PM
7

"Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" will help you keep your head on straight and know that you did your best, but she blew up your family and made repair impossible
/r/Divorce_Men11/05/26 03:40 PM
3

You said you have a lawyer, you should ask him. IANAL and it'll depend where you're located, but it probably depends on whether you've filed for divorce or just talked about it. Where I am, once you file for divorce you both fall under a specific set of Protective Orders. It's a set of laws that govern you until the divorce is final. Included in that is restrictions like not being able to spend unreasonably compared to the previous 6 months or make any large purchases.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 02:59 AM
2

That's a good idea, finding something I could never do with her around.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 10:07 PM
2

I don't feel better without her in my life right now, but I believe I will be. The kids will benefit from my stability and consistency, with less of her chaos. Finding community is the stage I'm about to enter. I'm an introvert, but I made some new friend groups before COVID happened, but they didn't survive lockdown. It's time for me to try again. I'm going to force myself to start leaving the house with the intention of just being in 3rd spaces. And I'll have to find a hobby once I start disco…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 08:22 PM
1

Depends on where he lives. Some places have at-fault divorce with adultery being a reason and a judge would award him a larger portion of marital assets. So he might need proof that this wasn't an agreed upon arrangement, but he should also be worried about gathering evidence of adultery.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 06:21 PM
8

You don't love her if you cheated on her. You decided your needs were more important than her and the marriage and you blew it up. Grow some balls and divorce her.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 06:08 PM
2

She's cheating and/or has lost all attraction to him and is about to be cheating.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 05:33 PM
3

I spent all of my time trying to save our money and nagging at her to stop impulsively spending. Our marriage was complete shit, but I thought one day it would just get better and we'd retire and be happy. I was focused on that delusion while she was finding an affair partner online and lining up her exit affair. Even though I wasn't happy at all, I suddenly wanted to fix the marriage and stay together after we separated. Like you say, I was attached to the life I thought we had and the future l…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 05:33 PM
5

I've been in a similar spot for almost a year now. Together for 21 years, married for 18, 2 kids. I've been with her since my early 20s. I kicked her out to stay with her mom for a couple weeks for neglecting me and the kids. She kept choosing to stay away longer, saying she was ambivalent about our marriage and needed to work on her independence, since she never had. I asked her to promise that neither of us would use this time separated to engage in emotional or physical affairs. She agreed. I…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 05:30 PM
2

You are correct. I'm working on that. I'm still trying to kill the idealized version of her I created in my head when I thought she was ambivalent and I could repair the marriage by learning how to be a better partner. I'm reading books to understand my own anxious attachment and betrayal trauma. I've been doing therapy once a week or more since November. I've been reading and posting on the divorce and infidelity subreddits to help myself remember who she really is and how I felt before the anx…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 05:07 PM
3

I appreciate the encouragement. I am in a state of cognitive dissonance in regards to my STBXW. I see her for the shitty person she was in the marriage, and how much worse she treated me by having an affair, manipulating me, and stringing me (and the kids) along as merely ambivalent. But my anxious attachment created the idealized version of her and I have both of them still in my head. She's over here right now packing up some of her things and I should be really fucking pissed that she was mon…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 02:09 PM
3

I'll say I do wish those things for my STBXW, lol. We're in the middle of the divorce process and she'd been in an affair for over 7 months before I filed. I know more than I should about her affair and affair partner. I have invasive thoughts of them being happy together, but I try to focus on the idea that they may not be. They may fake it. He's still married as well, although I assume he and his wife are separated. I know that my wife is bringing herself to that relationship and she's the sam…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 01:34 PM
1

I'm getting better, but I'm still in the thick of it. The earliest divorce can be finalized is June, if we agree on a settlement. Setting a defined boundary and enforcing it helped. I wanted so badly to keep the family together that I was in denial about the affair in the face of evidence, until I had overwhelming evidence it started before I kicked her out and became physical immediately when I did. She was still denying it, so I just said "It doesn't matter what the nature of your relationship…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 01:29 PM
3

I tried for the kids as well. You have to realize that if she's willing to pack up her things and leave the kids, she doesn't care about them enough to commit back to you. They are not her priority, because she only thinks about herself. I was in a similar situation as you, but you have an advantage in knowing about the other guy. My wife had been severely neglecting me and our kids (we also have 2 kids) for her online game and friends. I told her to go stay at her mom's for a couple weeks to fi…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 12:37 PM
3

Brother, I 100% know what mindset you're in. You're fucking delusional. I was there as well. Still am sometimes. RIGHT NOW: you need to read or listen to the book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life". I didn't start to understand my situation until I did that. She won't commit to divorce because she doesn't have to. She will just keep having her affair while you simp after her and her life isn't thrown into upheaval (consequences of her actions). YOU are examining everything you did wrong, committed t…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 03:23 AM
9

Sorry to tell you, but she moved on before you separated, mentally and emotionally. She may have already been seeing this truck driver. Talk to a lawyer. Depends on where you are, but some courts prevent romantic partners from staying overnight when kids are present in the home during the divorce process. It's not good for the stability of the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/26 03:27 PM
4

It's possible, but absolutely not certain. The one we just finished seeing, finished because we are getting divorced, didn't "take a side." But I 100% know my STBXW feels like she took my side. My wife finally agreed to couples counseling after we'd been separated for 6 months. It was obvious from the beginning that I was committed to repairing the marriage and my wife was not. And then I confronted my wife in a session about her affair I discovered. She obviously lied about things in therapy, l…
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/26 02:51 AM
5

This is where a GOOD therapist comes into play. First off, I think couples counseling can work. I wish I'd found this really good one back when both of us were willing to work on the marriage. Might have made a world of difference. A good couples counselor will figure out in the first session that one spouse wants to repair the marriage (leaning in) while the other does not or is ambivalent (leaning out). At that point, they'll start the discernment counseling process. They'll meet with each spo…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 02:50 AM
3

If you want to try repairing the marriage, you have to start couples counseling. You won't be able to do this on your own. Look for a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist that specializes in infidelity. Personally, I had looked for one that used the Gottman method (look it up). A good therapist will start by figuring out if your marriage is even repairable. That will require both partners to be willing to do the work and for your wife to be remorseful and honest about her actions. If the marri…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 03:49 PM
7

No way. I ignored too many red flags, she was the first woman to give me such attention (love-bombing), and I just floated forward into it. We have 2 kids that I'm retaining primary custody of and I have a great relationship with, so in this thought experiment I tell myself I can't have them without the marriage, so it was worth it, but I dunno.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/26 03:09 AM
2

Because I didn't want to get divorced. I wanted to work on the marriage. She was neglecting me and the kids, so I told her to go stay with her mom nearby until her next therapy session, which was a couple weeks away. She kept extending the separation, saying she needed to work on herself and she was ambivalent about the marriage. Our marriage had gotten bad, so I understood that. I had never suspected her of cheating on me before and didn't have suspicions until she'd been gone 2.5 months. We'd …
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 12:36 PM
1

Man, she sounds like she has a personality disorder. I'll say right now, you should DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Take specific notes and whatever evidence you can of her erratic behavior. You mention her threatening full custody. A judge will rule in the best interests of the kids, so evidence that she's unstable would prevent that. I understand that you're concerned about your kid. My STBXW has a lot of the same instabilities as yours, to various degrees. I kicked her out to go stay with her mom 8 mont…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 02:56 AM
2

Thank you, I hope you do as well
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 02:06 AM
3

Correct. She's incapable of building deep connection.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 01:26 AM
0

We met on message boards back in college. She was living with a boyfriend who she said was basically just like a roommate who yelled at her all the time and they were only living together for financial reasons. We liked each other, but I told her I wouldn't advance our relationship until she broke up with him, because I didn't want to be an affair partner, it wasn't right to do that to another man. She didn't want to, and we argued about it. She eventually did, or at least she said she did, who …
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 01:25 AM
12

I just filed on Friday to divorce my cheating spouse. We've been separated for 8 months and she's been having an affair the entire time that started online before that. Figuring out she's been having an affair from a number of increasingly revealing D-Days over months, and not just ambivalent about our marriage like she's claimed the entire time, has actually made things easier. I know now that she sucks and I deserve better. But the thing you describe is the really hard part for me, right now. …
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 12:57 AM
4

Yup, reading the ADHD_Partners subreddit after her diagnosis, when I was still doing everything I could to deny what I knew about the affair and work on reconciling the marriage, was eye-opening. Seeing so many other people with the exact experience I had. I am 100% in control of our finances, even though I've tried to get her involved. She impulsively spends like crazy, but didn't even know how to log into see our bank accounts until a few months ago. Phone cases and watch bands of whatever col…
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 07:12 PM
2

I just filed on Friday, but we've been separated for 8 months. 21 years together, 18 married, 2 kids. So many red flags I chose to ignore as soon as she moved in with me. I overlooked them because she made me feel special and loved. She was only diagnosed with ADHD a couple months ago and it was like the reveal in The Usual Suspects. Everything about her behavior since I've known her made so much sense. Unfortunately, so did the affair she was having that started online before we separated, at w…
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 03:53 PM
4

Ah, so you got love bombed in the beginning by someone with adhd and fell for it too
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 02:45 PM
2

What kind of shit did you do lmao
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 02:41 AM
1

All of that sucks but I wanted to say nice username
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/26 08:04 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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