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Effective_Hornet_833 Archive

View 0 posts and 63 comments by Effective_Hornet_833 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
2

That’s not it.
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/25 05:10 AM
6

Walk away, but not yet lol
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/25 04:04 PM
2

I kept the house, and I have the house where the older sisters come home. My youngest, she’s 17, has not spent the night at her mother’s apartment in 2.5 years. Not once. She has dinner there once a week, that’s as far as it goes. She has asked me one question about the divorce: do I have to move? That’s it. And I’m pretty sure she prefers her mom to me! You can’t fight “home”—just invite and be open and respectful and safe and try to find some things outside of the apartment to do sometimes and…
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/25 08:06 AM
12

Bravo! Every word of this. She wants you to perform family and she wants you to perform being OK with what she did. It’s controlling and it’s bullshit. They all do this shit. My kids have two families, they have a family with me and with her. I’m not in a family with her, that’s I’m pretty sure about, so there has to be more than one family. My ex knows this, because when her dad remarried he didn’t keep playing. Almost no one does. Very few bring the new wife into the picture, or the new husban…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 10:54 PM
4

Unfortunately that is not true, the kids are always there
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 10:45 PM
7

There’s a conceptual difference between understanding the role one played in the marriage and understanding that she chose to leave rather than communicate and repair. We were doing different things, because she is an unserious person.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 04:50 PM
0

Yes, he should divorce her and move the process along. There’s no going back. Once they adopt this framework they can’t go back, no matter what it’s over, and the question is one of timing and of how much she can extract and inflict.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 03:51 PM
7

It’s over. You aren’t stuck, she’s going to divorce you if you don’t do it first.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/25 01:46 PM
1

Money sounds like the reason he wants to leave, which doesn’t sound like it’s gonna work
/r/Divorce_Men30/05/25 07:25 AM
1

The presumption that parents are good for their children and should have a relationship with them, absent some other reason, is actually not controversial. You don’t dispute it, you invent the reason.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 01:51 PM
0

There are no facts to indicate he’s bad for them. That’s you inventing something.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 01:07 PM
0

Yes, because he’s their father. They’ve one life and one relationship with their father. Showing up is the first step, and this is how he shows up.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 12:34 AM
1

We don’t have enough facts! If you have a $2M house then the selling costs might make it a fair deal, but otherwise it looks like it isn’t.
/r/Divorce_Men26/05/25 10:46 PM
1

You should be able to protect her without punishing him. I am sure that’s not a fun place, and it’s good you want to protect your mother. Divorce is actually the answer here, and that’s not complicated. That gives her the distance she needs.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/25 03:55 AM
1

I don’t think punishing someone for being mentally ill is a good thing to do. That lessens his culpability for everything else. That doesn’t mean you want him in your life.
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/25 03:26 AM
7

That you deserve more. There was nothing wrong with your love for her, but you deserve a love that is reciprocal. A great marriage may require you to be self sacrificing from time to time, but if that’s all that it is, it isn’t a great marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 03:54 AM
1

Yeah, sorry, I didn’t mean it as any sort of corrective to what you said, just a different emphasis, and I’m glad you read it that way.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 01:08 AM
1

Well, he’s got to sit with them and let them go, because ruminating doesn’t do any good. It’s OK to feel something, to feel shitty, and to know it and notice it and know why and to let it break over you and let it go. That’s a good thing to do, a good skill to have. Marinating it in, not so much.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/25 09:17 PM
0

If you’re getting the other property she owes you $150K.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/25 02:58 PM
4

You got off easy—many do the same game but at $175/hour.
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/25 01:05 AM
4

That last sentence is just wrong. If he was abandoned, neutrally described, then he was abandoned. How he feels about that is something else entirely, and you don’t know what that is.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/25 09:59 PM
1

Can I make a gentle suggestion? Read about attachment and try to understand why your wife did what she did. You assume it’s because she decided you didn’t matter, that it wasn’t worth the bother, and that only now that she might lose something is she willing to work. And that may be true! But it also might not be true. And if it isn’t true, you are looking at the events of your marriage with a distorted lens. It may be that she was doing her best and yet wasn’t able to be fully engaged in the ma…
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/25 03:10 AM
1

They have young 3 kids and owe $480K on their house, and their expenses are going to get worse with a divorce, not better. She’s going to get a job and they’re going to split something between $22K-$48K in daycare just for the twins. Those are after tax dollars. He’s fucked. Make it about her, make it about fairness, whatever, that’s not going to pay the bills.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/25 04:46 AM
6

This is going to sound harsh and it’s not meant that way, but your wife is right, you need a new job. You’ve got 3 kids and you’re going to keep having 3 kids, and she’s either your wife or your ex to whom you pay maintenance and/or child support. $90K is about the 35th percentile for income for married couples with kids. That means life is tough. That’s the kind of home I grew up in, it’s fine, I didn’t starve, it all turned out, but it means there are things that other families are doing that …
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/25 11:50 PM
4

Yes? You should be proud of how he treats his mother, that means you’ve done a good job. You don’t want or need him to treat you like he treats his mom.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/25 11:39 PM
3

Not yet divorced, but may end up there. I shared a copy of Attached with my 4 older daughters. They can find someone who is more likely to give them a successful relationship. At some point I will explain that they need to actually understand the weaknesses of their parents’ marriage in a more substantive way, and they will need to be really intentional about finding a new path that they haven’t yet seen well modeled. It’s easy to say you’re going to do that, it requires more than they are going…
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/25 10:23 PM
1

You’ve got two kids, you’ve got a lifetime with her in your life. She didn’t start making changes when you started dating. It’s possible she thought she had more time to show who she is now, and panicked when she realized maybe that wasn’t the case. You’ll do what you’ll do, but for me, love is what you do, not what you feel.
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/25 03:53 AM
2

Ignore the people who say you can’t make arguments on your own, or that arguments are totally irrelevant. When you are in the equity world, your arguments can be ignored, you aren’t in that world, make your argument. I’m more skeptical of your argument for sanctions. Every non-litigator always thinks obviously futile arguments should be sanctioned, litigators don’t believe that. Get a professional opinion would be my advice, which is different from saying only a professional can make the argumen…
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/24 02:06 PM
7

The fact that the tax laws changed and the formulas for support did not shows how irrational the system is.
/r/Divorce_Men06/11/24 05:00 PM
1

There’s no sensible explanation for how the formulas actually work. I’m not an aggrieved dad, I am not going to be paying. But the idea that each parent needs to contribute to the cost of care is sensible, the idea that the cost of care is variable depending on income is not well reasoned and essentially turns child support into a disguised income equalization. Yes, some parents are rich and some are poor, and that may mean that a child sees both sides of that. But so long as the child is fed an…
/r/Divorce_Men27/10/24 04:34 AM
6

Keep the house, you’ll keep the kids. Keep the family traditions as much as possible, but cut her out. Make it clear that’s her choice and the result of her decision. Don’t let her visit, that’s been my biggest mistake.
/r/Divorce_Men12/10/24 10:11 PM
2

This isn’t true. The more educated, the more stable the relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/24 07:51 PM
2

That sounds awful, I’m sorry you are going through that. You should own the relationships with your kid and grandkids. Often wives and mothers play the central organizing role in a family like yours. She’s abandoned it, to find herself, so you need to and have the opportunity to show up and own those relationships. Show up, move there first. Don’t leave a spot for her. What could be better for now than time with your daughter and grandkids? If you delay, in 3 or 4 years she will be in that small…
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 07:02 AM
1

You’re getting good advice here, take it.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 03:11 AM
1

Less than half as much time, and then less than that when they are older. And you are fucked financially for the next decade, first for the child support and maintenance and then college hits.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/24 07:05 AM
2

So you see that chasing in that way doesn’t work and doesn’t make you happy. Have you thought of not doing that? Not in the file for divorce sense, but in the stop hitting yourself with a hammer sense? And maybe figure it what it is that made you think continuing to do that despite it making you both unhappy was a good idea? What story were you telling yourself? Figure it out and tell a different story, so you can stop wanting to do that stupid thing.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/24 04:40 AM
15

I get it. In therapy this week, I said to my therapist, if my life were a video game, you’d look at where I am and what it takes to get to anywhere reasonably good, and you’d hit reset. I’m not doing that, but it’s a sensible response on some level. I’m 52, 3 years into an autoimmune disease that’s destroyed me physically. My career is over, and now I’m on a glide path to disability, if I’m able to win that fight. My home is mostly empty, my kids are all but gone, and when they come back, which …
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/24 12:11 AM
3

Wait, what are my options?
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/24 01:12 AM
10

Friendly, not friends. Like the new neighbors, that sort of thing.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 01:00 AM
1

Congratulations on sobriety, two years is great. You can change, you can do hard things, you’ve shown that. Now you should be less emotional, less captured by feelings, steadier than she is, and yet in control enough of yourself that you can be open to connection. You’re figuring out how to end your marriage when she isn’t doing that and you don’t want it. Why? Don’t you have enough else to do? Make the marriage counseling appointment, take her with you, don’t present it as something to consider…
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 07:27 AM
-9

Find a new therapist, find someone who’s been through this and get a name and find a therapist. And if it’s not through right therapist, get another. And go and do the work. Connection doesn’t come automatically. It takes work, and you haven’t done the work. Some marriages require more work than others, but you haven’t done the minimum amount. It’s easy to panic and respond to change or threats with escalation, so of course you can respond to separation by asking for divorce. But she didn’t ask …
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 06:10 AM
6

I can only imagine the grief of losing a child. Working through that grief seems like it would be the work of a lifetime, I hope that’s what you are doing. Marriages often fail after a crisis like that, yours wouldn’t be the first. But IMO you would be wise to get to a healthy place in recovering from that loss and accepting yourself before making big decisions. Sometimes, rarely, you can’t get there from inside the marriage, but most often you can.
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/24 03:48 AM
41

Yeah, she can walk away from all that too, and will, in the right circumstances.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/23 04:35 PM
5

It’s actually pretty normal for a kid that age to have really complicated feelings about the end of his parents’ marriage. Even if it’s clear it’s his mother’s fault. I think it’s fine for him to meet her, but keep it low key, don’t force him to have to interact for more than a few minutes, and give him an opportunity to discuss before and after. As much as people push therapy for the divorcing couple, it can be something that adolescents need as well. It’s possible he’s reevaluating his childho…
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/23 12:29 AM
1

If you keep paying $1050/month, in a few months you might get a few thousand dollars more. Or you might not. You think you are unlikely to. OK, if you think it’s a fair deal, take it, despite the people telling you to spend $1050/month for the chance at upside.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/23 12:53 AM
4

Congrats on the one year sober, that’s fantastic. You’ve done a hard thing, don’t be scared of going after what you want in life. Remember that being attractive, being better, is more important than saying things, but if you want this at some point you will have to say it, and risk hearing no.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/23 09:46 PM
3

Do you have a prenuptial agreement? Or is she taking half of the marital assets and then receiving a maintenance award for a period of time, along with child support until your kid finishes college.
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/23 07:46 AM
4

If you think she’s expensive now, wait until you’re divorced
/r/Divorce_Men16/11/23 07:35 AM
0

Lol, you’ve got to be kidding. As if they’re not aware of the product, or aren’t making a decision balancing benefits and burdens. Try harder. The NHS is the source for vaccines in the UK. They won’t give them to most kids. Not they don’t recommend, the much firmer refusal to provide. In France, kids under 5 can only get vaccinated in special circumstances.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/23 03:47 AM
0

lol, following the vaccination protocol of every other nation (under 5) or every other nation outside North America (5 and up) is not ignoring the experts, it’s actually closer to following the consensus of experts
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/23 10:55 PM
2

Well, man up, which means knowing the risks and taking them with your eyes wide open. The safest play is to accelerate to a divorce. But the courageous thing is to fight for what you want. There’s your answer.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/23 01:06 AM
3

In the Divorce subreddit you get a thousand women cheering on divorce, and here you’re going to hear, file first. But you don’t want to divorce, and she’s telling you she’s not sure. So you can take the common advice here, lawyer up, protect yourself, ask for sole custody so you can negotiate it to 50/50, try to get the best deal, or you can try to save your marriage. You can’t do both.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/23 12:45 AM
1

My daughters who live with me don’t respond half the time. More than half the time. Their phones are blowing up with messages on snap and whatnot constantly. Say hello from time to time, send a card at holidays and birthdays, including $50, and let it go. She’ll be an adult soon, and there will be a relationship there or there won’t, it isn’t entirely up to you. Do the right thing with kids anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/23 06:21 PM
2

Yes. Possible post divorce her income would be lower (alimony is tax free to her), and that’s when the money comes out, so keep that in mind
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/23 02:24 AM
1

You can deduct the anticipated tax rate, the highest possible tax rate, or, more practically, negotiate the exchange
/r/Divorce_Men29/07/23 06:08 AM
1

The way to do that is one of you sets the value, the other gets to decide whether to pay or receive. She thinks the sofa is worth $400, let her put up $200!
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/23 03:44 AM
1

So, it’s not technically wrong to say you could have to buy her out, but it’s mostly kind of silly. If there are vested payment rights—someone owes the LLC $ today, she’ll get half of that, you can’t delay income to later to give her just a maintenance payment. But other than those contract rights it doesn’t sound like are any assets to buy out. She likely has a limited right to future maintenance, that doesn’t get expanded to half your future income just because you run it through the LLC.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/23 01:47 AM
6

Honestly, that practical shit is the worst stuff to end a marriage over. Adultery, I get it. Abuse, yes. Addiction, mental illness, OK. You’re fighting over money? Do you know what divorce is going to cost you? Look into it. I had a dear friend, a lawyer, successful, who ended his marriage over that, and only that. Paid alimony and child support after selling their house and moving to a smaller place. He wasn’t better off, but they weren’t fighting. He solved the wrong part of the problem! His w…
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/23 06:50 AM
3

Yeah, everyone who says to divorce for the kids is just wrong. Kids learn bad lessons either way—either that marriage is dysfunctional, or that your love is conditional and perhaps temporary. Those aren’t good options. They’re also not your only options. You say you don’t have things in common, but you have two young children. You’re in the middle of your life’s greatest project, and you’re doing that together, so what do you mean you don’t have things in common? You say you’re dwelling on event…
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/23 06:19 AM
5

Don’t forget minimizing.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/23 10:16 PM
1

My wife and I are separated. Her sister is having marriage problems, turns out her husband is just like me, lol. The funny thing is, her sister has “separated” from her husband too, but they’re in the same house, same bed, going to marriage counseling, vacationing as a family, and not going to get a divorce. My wife apparently didn’t recognize her sister wasn’t going through with it. And her work friends, half of whom are divorced, two of whom are going through divorce, they’re all there for her…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/23 05:21 PM
3

It sounds good when the lawyer explains it. It doesn’t work out nearly as well as is hoped. Her income isn’t enough, even with alimony, so the retirement dissipates to pay for the new home and health care and a portion of the kids’ expenses. It’s a shit show, but not everyone sees what’s coming.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/23 06:12 PM
1

Note in particular that $30K is more like $45K in a retirement account, because you’ve got to pay taxes to buy the next one.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/23 05:36 AM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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