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Embarrassed-Algae634 Archive

View 3 posts and 37 comments by Embarrassed-Algae634 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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2

How old are you? Ageism in academic hiring is a hard reality (illegal but universal). Also, as others have pointed out, the ratio of humanities PhD holders to open professorships is insane. You have to have some combination of Ivy degree, youth, desirable demographic, willingness to move anywhere, trendy publications in hand, and an in-demand subfield (ideally, all of those) to even hope for even a low- or mid-tier university post—and even then, the odds are heavily stacked against you. But don’…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/26 05:30 AM
2

Every case is different, of course, but FWIW I stayed even after kids had left the house, because of self-hatred, shame, and conflict avoidance. For years I would rather have ended my life than add the shame of divorcing her to it,
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 07:32 AM
2

My kids are adults now, and I’m torn up inside seeing how my affectionless and ultimately abusive marriage shaped their view of relationships. It feels terrible to know that not only did I accept her treatment of me, I showed them that that’s what marriages are like. Plus how she bullied them as children. Unshakable guilt about the whole thing.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 07:27 AM
1

I needed to read this. It could have been written for me alone—I’m one of those guilt-ridden, obligation-feeling, not wanting to be the bad guy husband escaping an abusive marriage. It was crushing me for years, and it repeatedly threatened my will to keep in living, and still I stayed too long. I filed 6 months ago and feel better every week, but the process is far from over. Her list confirms everything I’ve been told and am working to do, and it’s good just to have that reassurance. Thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/26 07:18 AM
2

What an obvious and great idea—thanks! As you might imagine, I’m not thinking too clearly these days
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/25 06:38 AM
5

Mine has Time Together as her love language too. She gets mad if I have a meal on my own when I’m out of the house, hates it if I shut the door to my room, and can monologue at me for hours and say that we “never spend any time together.” I gave up reading the newspaper (back when that was a thing) years ago when she’d want to start a conversation as soon as she saw me sit down with it. Oh, and she’s so harsh when she talks to me that I wonder why I don’t want to spend time with her? So, I hear …
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/25 07:25 PM
1

Hey thanks very much for the followup, and of course no apology is necessary. I just got Fjelstad's book and am looking forward to reading it. My therapist said that of course she can't diagnose my wife without interviewing her, but that based on my many hours of therapy describing the situation, my wife exhibits traits consistent with Cluster B behavior--so your book recommendation is great. (And I'm a Cluster C pleaser, which makes things even worse.) And I know you're right that I need to cha…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/25 01:46 AM
2

Thanks for the reminder that I really do need to run any plan past my attorney and get his advice. I’m thinking also, at the same time, of the emotional-personal-motivational side of my decisions. I mentioned being conflict-avoidant, which hinders my ability to set and stick to boundaries. I also carry a lot of guilt and shame from childhood sexual abuse and emotionally indifferent parenting. Consequently, I find it very hard to identify my values, let alone stand up for them or change my life i…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/25 06:36 AM
2

I appreciate this take on things, and it's clear that my situation is a lot like yours was. Plus, it's a real struggle for me not to surrender power and then complain, just as you say. I've read No More Mr. Nice Guy and try to put that book into action, but it goes against a lifetime of conditioning so my progress is slow. It's hard for me to figure out the right sequence and not reveal my intentions to her before things are in place. For example, I already have a separate checking account set u…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 05:06 PM
1

That does take some of the sting out--thanks again
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 04:46 PM
1

I did run the plan by my lawyer, but I didn't ask specific questions about it, so I didn't get much of a reply. He just said that my two options were file after the sale, or file before the sale and then negotiate with my wife for a written plan to submit to the court to allow the sale. For what it's worth, I asked him months ago if it would be a problem from a legal standpoint for me to move out of the house--like if I would be weakening my position in court somehow--and he said no. We're in a …
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 04:34 PM
1

I guess I could keep the AirBnB, maybe changing the dates; it is a two days' drive away, though, so not very convenient. I sure understand that feeling of relief you had. Thanks for writing--
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 04:14 PM
1

Thanks--makes sense, but ugh that means $2900 down the drain on a month-long AirBnB I can't use. That was stupid of me. Anyway, I guess I can just add that to the cost of the divorce overall :( Does make sense though--thanks for replying.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/25 05:11 AM
2

Thanks for this comment. I didn’t know about intimacy anorexia, but it sure seems to fit. Thanks for the info, advice, and well wishes.
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/24 10:58 PM
2

No kids, fortunately. I’ll do this—thanks—
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/24 02:26 AM
1

Makes sense; I think I just need to keep my guilt feelings down. Thanks for writing—
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/24 02:25 AM
1

Thanks for all this fantastic detailed advice! I’m glad to see you say not to move out, because I don’t want to do that. But I’m wondering how to keep sharing the house while also not engaging in conversation. She doesn’t leave me alone, delivering a constant stream-of-consciousness of talking—that’s the way she’s always been—and I don’t want to stay out of the house all day long. Any thoughts on that problem?
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 07:21 PM
1

$2k/mo! Holy moly—I hope at least it has a termination date someday
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 05:57 PM
1

Thanks for this advice; it’s a dose of reality that I was trying to avoid, and it makes sense that it’s just unavoidable.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 05:55 PM
2

Thanks for this follow up advice and the great suggestion about emailing
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 05:45 PM
2

What a bad situation you’re in too. Coincidentally, speaking of flirting, my wife out of the blue modeled some new lingerie for me, even though she refuses to have sex until I meet her demand to refrain from masturbation for 6 months. Thanks for the encouragement—
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 05:43 PM
1

Good advice/reminder—thanks—
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 05:16 PM
2

Ugh—good luck to you too!
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 05:16 PM
1

I’m sorry to hear you’re in a terrible situation like that, similar to mine. This is all really hard to deal with.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 04:47 PM
2

That hadn’t occurred to me—how I’ve allowed myself to become conditioned. Thanks for pointing it out, which helps me.
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 06:46 AM
1

That is an interesting thing about the psychological angle, and how it may just be impossible to convince someone. Thanks for replying—
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 04:57 AM
1

A tough sell since she insists that I’m the cause of her emotional reactions and I need to “make space for it,” since in her mind it’s not abuse, but you’re right, and it makes sense that I don’t have to get her to agree with me. Thanks—
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 04:54 AM
2

Something to look forward to!
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 04:52 AM
2

Yes; she always has an answer that points back to me
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 04:52 AM
1

That’s true I see—about my worries around her reactions. Thanks for the encouragement—
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 04:49 AM
3

That makes sense; I should just prepare myself for it
/r/Divorce_Men12/11/24 04:47 AM
2

Good point about lawyers! He was suggesting I try to come to an asset division agreement on my own, to start with, and I guess I have nothing to lose by at least trying that and then turning it all over to him if necessary. Thanks for writing—
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 11:39 PM
2

This helps me keep my head on straight—thank you
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 11:37 PM
1

Thanks for writing with this advice. Yes, we’ve slept in separate bedrooms for 2 years now.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 11:36 PM
1

I’m sorry that you are going though the same kind of thing. It took me years to realize that what my wife was doing was abusive, and that it wasn’t my fault, and I still struggle with guilt. If you can contact an organization that helps people in abusive relationships, it might be very good for you. I can recommend calling https://www.thehotline.org/; it’s free, and they can suggest more resources. I called them at a low point and found it helpful. Hoping you can make improvements—good luck—
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 11:35 PM
2

This is all really helpful. Your take on how I let her do this to me, how I give away my power and then feel powerless, and the rest of the psychological relationship, is spot on. I appreciate the concrete examples of steps to take and ways to say things. Thanks very much!
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/24 05:39 PM
5

That's terrible, and I hope you feel better about everything soon. Maybe it's better that this happen now than after decades of unhappiness. I take it that you're young? There is time to recover in life and go on to a better future, but I know that my just saying that doesn't help much. I think you might be going through a natural grieving process, which will be rough going but not permanent. I'm rooting for you--
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 05:04 AM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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