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Flashy-Huckleberry-0 Archive

View 1 post and 39 comments by Flashy-Huckleberry-0 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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6

ADVICEFlashy-Huckleberry-0/r/RedPillWomen26/09/24 03:36 PM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
2

Thanks for this. It’s always good to check oneself. I should outline that I have made this solely a “me” problem for the majority of our relationship. Due to my own trauma it took some time to even see his role in it. My own work on myself has contributed to helping us make this a significantly less common occurrence, but as I outlined in other replies, sometimes my defensiveness and anxiety still get the best of me, especially if I’m super stressed. I’m certainly continuing to work on these thi…
/r/RedPillWomen27/09/24 03:02 PM
2

Thanks! This whole thread has been so clarifying. I’ve been able to organize my thinking around this a lot better. Staying mindful before escalation is key and hitting pause if I find I’m about to re-explain myself feel reinforced from intuition to concrete awareness.
/r/RedPillWomen27/09/24 03:04 AM
2

Yeah it does a bit. That’s the flavor to it, but it’s a little more subtle. I’ve been going to therapy for some time, so I know I have to work on giving space when there’s a rupture and the other person needs a moment due to anxious attachment. But I would love to go to couples’ and seeing him go on his own eventually, but as you said, baby steps.
/r/RedPillWomen27/09/24 12:01 AM
2

That’s a great idea!
/r/RedPillWomen26/09/24 10:40 PM
2

Again, thank you. Do you have any thoughts on how to navigate conflict in the moment?
/r/RedPillWomen26/09/24 09:48 PM
3

It’s absolutely the case. I think I wanted to check in here because of the fact there is something distinctly related to wounding around masculinity. And I guess I wonder in posting here, rather than just a BPD support group, if there’s a good way to approach that part. But otherwise, I definitely understand that. He doesn’t meet the BPD criteria (or NPD for that matter), but I definitely recognize the volatility reflects defensiveness and conditioning around being attacked by his mom. ❤️‍🩹 He’s…
/r/RedPillWomen26/09/24 09:23 PM
4

This. It’s definitely this. And I know this. But it’s definitely hard for me to remember in the moment. I need to be better at emotionally stepping away from the discussion and giving space, rather than feeding into it. I struggle with a bit of anxious attachment and a fawn response. Just hit the pause button. But it is an excellent reminder to hear this from others. Thank you!
/r/RedPillWomen26/09/24 07:20 PM
3

Thank you! I love this kind of context. He’s from the midwestern US (shame based in my mind) and I’m from the Southwest/West Coast and engineering family (so I’m pretty facts oriented), so there are cultural aspects to navigate. I love the direction you took this though. Philosophical and sociological underpinnings are something I love thinking about in discussions of overall psychology and relationship dynamics.
/r/RedPillWomen26/09/24 06:26 PM
2

Yeah… thanks for that. It’s definitely a trauma thing, but obviously related to wounding around masculinity, hence asking about it here…. Intuitively, it is seeming like there’s something to a soothing, nurturing response here… I’m just trying to put my finger on it. I do think he’d be receptive to a version of this line over time, however. It’s gotten a ton better, but I’m kind of in the space of seeing what I can do to make it easier, while recognizing he needs to do his part to maintain compo…
/r/RedPillWomen26/09/24 06:23 PM
6

I really love this answer. It brought tears to my eyes, because I 100% agree. Reading comments has forced me to reflect all little differently on how I portrayed the dynamic. When he gets upset, I’m usually pleading for common ground. I’m not starting battles. I don’t want it to be about me. I usually end up stumbling into something I didn’t know would be touchy. And because of his mom, he has a few areas like that. Learning those better is part of being a good partner. And when they happen, jus…
/r/RedPillWomen26/09/24 05:47 PM
2

I love this answer, because I think it addresses the dynamic more directly. I DON’T care about winning at all. It’s not about that for me. If I’m triggered at all, it’s feeling seen and heard, but I’ve come a long way on that. And having generally correct information when making a big decision is always good idea. But he IS touchy about certain things. And that seems like a good question for him, but I’d like to figure out a way to do that more softly, because I find he turns things into argumen…
/r/RedPillWomen26/09/24 05:21 PM
1

I was a little vague because it’s across the board. I’m not starting a disagreement, or even stating when I disagree, since it’s not often anyways. If it’s inconsequential, it usually goes along the lines of me sharing a preference or random opinion and if there’s some kind of disconnect or trigger, it’s almost like he’ll work himself up and expand on the one statement to make it bigger than it is, creating an adversary that isn’t even there. Like he’s not arguing with me at that point, but some…
/r/RedPillWomen26/09/24 05:16 PM
7

I understand what you’re saying, and I agree. I’m actively trying to let it go, even when he says something ridiculous. Though… I don’t know that I’m “acting” any kind of way or actively trying to assert my opinion. I just state it, and if it’s logical, but the subject matter is triggering, I am met immediately with ridigity. That’s where I can drop it I guess, though he is the type that might keep on about it for a while, which can result in putting me down or inventing an adversary that isn’t …
/r/RedPillWomen26/09/24 05:03 PM
5

I love wordless bonding via shared experiences and working towards common goals. Blood, sweat, and tears. I prefer climbing mountains, etc. with men, as this dynamic is rarely felt with women. I love that we can share deep experiences without emotional conversation. I also love the subtle competition while engaging in physical activity that doesn’t involve resentment, just mutual respect. I love the way men nurture. It feels so safe and grounded. Both my partner and my dad have enthusiastically …
/r/PurplePillDebate18/09/24 02:23 AM
1

Totally understood. I think the point, however, is, if it’s possible (which it seems it is) why not both? 😏I’d argue that’s what women (and maybe men in a different way) really want… The seemingly unattainable partner who creates a sense of danger and excitement, but who is also caring and empathetic and devoted to you, and above all, authentically themself. Whole psychosexual can of worms, for sure. Hashed out way too much here to little effect. But either way, Perel definitely offers some pers…
/r/PurplePillDebate14/09/24 01:20 AM
1

This is something that comes up often here. If you are open to reading a book and are interested in a very nuanced view from a sex therapist, Mating in Captivity, by Esther Perel addresses the crux of the danger vs. security equation. She also has a few other books and a podcast called “Where Should We Begin?” which features real couples in session, often working through issues that contribute to boring or no sex, as well those recovering from affairs— basically all coming down to danger vs. sec…
/r/PurplePillDebate14/09/24 12:10 AM
1

My SO cold/“lukewarm” approached me. And there are some good takeaways on how to do this well, I think. We both run. He had just moved to the town I lived in. I started seeing him out every morning running on the same trail I run, usually going the other direction. It’s not uncommon for runners especially in rural areas to acknowledge each other’s presence (this is totally non-gendered) by nodding at each in passing. It happens in cities too, but it usually takes a few regular encounters of appa…
/r/PurplePillDebate13/09/24 08:56 PM
3

I like that you broke it down even further from looks vs. attraction (I like this wording!) to also include chemistry!
/r/PurplePillDebate10/09/24 03:54 PM
9

For me it’s been the opposite. The most conventionally attractive guy I dated was the worst. The least conventionally attractive was the best, BUT despite conventional attractiveness, I was personally more attracted to the “less” attractive guy. This seems to be a confusing thing reading through this thread. Someone being conventionally attractive/aesthetically pleasing doesn’t actually mean I’m more attracted to them. Other than saying “conventionally attractive,” I’m unsure how else to describ…
/r/PurplePillDebate10/09/24 03:35 PM
2

I have a lot of empathy for that kind of frustration. I wish everyone was more mindfully aware of their internal experiences so that they could properly evaluate why they feel creeped out, or conversely, drawn in, in various situations and learn how to differentiate triggers from real harm. I know it’s kind of a different thing, but learning I might be ND (part of my own learning how to do this/recovering from the shitty relationship) means I’m learning I’ve been misread myself soooo many times …
/r/PurplePillDebate06/09/24 07:41 PM
–

I get super anxious posting but…. Honestly and obviously, it’s not as much of a thing as some make it out to be. At least not the way people think it is and it obviously doesn’t just apply to women. Intuition is learned on some level, though probably less logically and more on a nervous system level (i.e. unconscious, nervous system level fight or flight stuff/“trauma”, hence “intuition”). It’s probably based on non-verbal communication patterns, and as a society, we tend to assume women have hi…
/r/PurplePillDebate06/09/24 06:20 PM
–

Thank you for your vulnerability here. There’s a lot to unpack in the larger issue addressed in the OP, but I appreciate your bringing attention to an issue that I think needs attention as a part of it. My partner and I are talking about this a lot after an emotional conversation in which he became very upset over not wanting to “objectify” me, even though we’ve been together for several years and I know he views me as human and an equal in our partnership. I have my own views on where this come…
/r/PurplePillDebate15/08/24 03:49 PM
2

Thank you for this comment. There’s a lot to respond to here, but I just really love what you’ve written, so I just want to commend you on your honesty and vulnerability. I appreciate your willingness to listen, understand, and take responsibility for what, if anything, is yours to be responsible for both individually and societally, while also voicing your frustration and confusion with your overall predicament and pointing to the gaps in understanding and expectations that women in your life a…
/r/PurplePillDebate15/08/24 03:39 PM
18

Well, any non-secure attachment style…. That’s a whole thing. But overall, absolutely: this is trauma and overall response to childhood environment, not a gender thing.
/r/PurplePillDebate07/08/24 07:31 PM
2

I mostly just read here, because it’s a debate sub, but I appreciate OP’s bringing therapy into the discussion. I see so many posts here regarding how therapy is an inherently feminine or feminist endeavor citing talking about feelings specifically. Obviously, the history of psychology, and by extension, therapy, is hardly feminist. That aside, however, modern therapy is increasingly less about “talking.” Talking is a “top-down” approach that has limited use for anyone. Increasingly more embrace…
/r/PurplePillDebate24/07/24 07:10 PM
2

I feel good about saying 5. Neutral. I’m assuming like approaching in a coffee shop or something. I live in a small town, so people look out for each other and I generally assume people have good intentions, and I don’t know anything about the guy until the interaction occurs. How the interaction goes down could bring the number up or down. It’d potentially be higher, but I’m in a relationship, so I’d feel a little sympathetic that he’s wasting his time, because I obviously wouldn’t follow up. T…
/r/PurplePillDebate22/07/24 03:24 PM
1

For me it was all about a common interest and being able to participate in it together. When I met my partner, he was head of operations and HR for small regional business that I frequented. He was working the floor one day I came in. I realized I’d seen him out running when I was out running in the early morning. It was winter so we’d been bundled up and obviously moving and I’d never gotten a good look at him. In the shop, wearing normal clothes, I thought he was okay looking. Like kinda attra…
/r/PurplePillDebate19/07/24 01:10 AM
1

Not all therapy is equal. Not all modalities are for everyone. Not all therapists are for everyone. The field is changing. “Traditional” top-down approaches don’t work for most long term unless the client embraces the “therapeutic relationship” (I.e. being witnessed and accepted by someone else). Bottom-up approaches may be more likely to “heal” the nervous system, including trauma even without talking. Read “The Body Keeps the Score.” Look up somatic experiencing, bioenergetics, EMDR, etc. Mind…
/r/PurplePillDebate24/02/24 03:52 AM
1

I mean the question is where do you meet people, not how do you interact with them once you’re there… something in common that you like/are knowledgeable about at least gives you a few potential options to start a conversation that isn’t weird.
/r/PurplePillDebate04/07/23 01:20 PM
1

I mean the question is where do you meet people, not how do you interact with them once you’re there… something in common that you like/are knowledgeable about at least gives you a few potential options to start a conversation that isn’t weird.
/r/PurplePillDebate04/07/23 01:19 PM
1

I mean the question is where do you meet people, not how do you interact with them once you’re there… something in common that you like/are knowledgeable about at least gives you a few potential options to start a conversation that isn’t weird.
/r/PurplePillDebate04/07/23 01:19 PM
3

This is pretty spot on! I absolutely do not want to be with someone who needs someone to emotionally regulate them in daily life. That's exhausting and I end up feeling like the mother. I have nurturing mothering feelings toward men in a relationship but there's a line. I’m happy to empathize and create space for your emotions, and I have a pretty high capacity for that. But if it come to being unconsciously asked to repair trauma and my partner getting distressed/unregulated if I can’t “fix” it…
/r/PurplePillDebate19/06/23 12:36 AM
2

I love this. I run ultras, so I’m resonating with the mountains. And it brings up some interesting points about common interests and values. I’ve had three long term relationships including my marriage. First guy (college)- really fun and active, but not outdoorsy per say. And definitely not goal-oriented. More of a stop and take pictures of wildflowers kind of guy, which was really sweet, but not awesome when I’m at mi 80/100 and need encouragement and he asks if i really want to be doing this.…
/r/PurplePillDebate18/06/23 08:44 PM
2

My comment addresses that. “Damaged goods” can’t reverse this damage in these men’s minds and they will always have this baggage. This. Like what if a woman does have relationship trauma (say… narcissistic abuse), gets out, and works on herself, recovers from CPTSD, heals her attachment issues, etc? Seems like she’s a better and healthier human (and partner) than she was prior to the unhealthy relationship since now she is likely also healing or healed from the issues she had prior to the relati…
/r/PurplePillDebate18/06/23 08:19 PM
1

What about a formerly traumatized woman? Like someone who actually worked through their trauma and is now a better and healthier person than they were before being traumatized in the first place? While I know that people willing to confront all that are few, some do and as a result, are better for it. That type of person has more tools for a successful relationship than someone who never had to do the work. The first time someone is met with difficulty that is at all reminiscent of even a small …
/r/PurplePillDebate18/06/23 12:09 AM
9

You said a relationship “good for her.” It’s already been said many times I’m sure, but being a genuinely good person and developing your interests will attract the same. If you’re the best version of yourself you’ll find a good partner. For the most part. There’s a mental health component that could be overlooked though. I see lots of men here complaining about women choosing toxic men (not “good for her”), and I’d argue that if you find yourself in unhealthy or abusive relationships, especiall…
/r/PurplePillDebate17/06/23 12:46 PM
1

Everyone keeps citing this, and I feel like the original data is starting to be ignored? It’s from a Morgan Stanley study (https://www.morganstanley.com/ideas/womens-impact-on-the-economy) that cites women choosing careers/financial independence over marriage or children (or at least delaying marriage and childbirth until they’re established career-wise) and it’s worth noting the projected 45% of “prime working age women (25-44) will be single” (it doesn’t say never, but I guess you could draw t…
/r/PurplePillDebate16/06/23 04:38 PM
2

I’m stuck in the “feminine” thing. Like… sure I’ll be nice, sweet, and agreeable (as per OP’s above descriptions), but only if I can run every weekday morning and spend basically every weekend running all day in the mountains, where I lose toenails, get sunburnt (despite my best efforts), and, er, deal with normal human bodily functions in the woods (stereotypically non-feminine things, even if they do help me be “not fat.”). And I’d say I do this alone, and I did for many years, but my husband …
/r/PurplePillDebate16/06/23 02:48 PM
2

I know this is 10 hours ago, but your link says, “Traits traditionally cited as feminine include gracefulness, gentleness, empathy, humility, and sensitivity, though traits associated with femininity vary across societies and individuals, and are influenced by a variety of social and cultural factors,” and includes quite the history lesson on how the definition has changed over time, highlighting feminism. Though, sure, it defines some “stereotypical” feminine traits. And the closest thing I saw…
/r/PurplePillDebate16/06/23 02:31 PM
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