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Joocewayne Archive

View 1 posts and 223 comments by Joocewayne on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
47

Joocewayne/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 02:15 AM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
2

Men suffer alone. Women, not so much. Thet constantly build and burn support networks, depending on their needs and feelz. They also unconsciously create social networks based upon who can validate her current narrative. Counter to this, networks, friends and family are shed and avoided based on can and will call her on her BS and bring her story into question.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/25 01:33 AM
1

They actively sever their attachment, albeit most do so unconsciously. It is a reaction to guilt and shame felt when around the betrayed spouse. So, this guilt and shame becomes “anxiety” and “emotional abuse.” They feel bad around you, (cheating) therefore you are bad. They commonly sever the emotional bond by focusing entirely and only on the spouses perceived “negatives” while actively cultivating new emotional and sexual bonds. New friend groups. New cheerleaders who can’t call her out on he…
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/25 02:58 AM
3

Based on your language, you’re possibly co-dependent leaning. My ex had similar accusations of “narcissism” and “emotional abuse” and I too took her accusation very seriously. I read book after book on personality disorders, attachment theory and finally ended up seeing a therapist, convinced I was to blame for everything. My therapist told me something similar to what others have posted: everyone displays narcissistic behaviors sometimes. If I were a narcissist, I wouldn’t be here talking to hi…
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/25 04:33 AM
2

First time here lol?
/r/Divorce_Men12/01/25 04:26 PM
2

Thanks for taking the time to respond so thoughtfully. That was helpful and helped clarify. I used that language to describe where I was at at the time and you are correct that getting out of this state required digging up some painful memories. Things are getting better.
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 07:40 PM
3

Can you describe the difference between resentment and healthy anger after divorce? I’m asking this with all seriousness, to examine my own feelings. I did not process the divorce in a mentally healthy way and turned all the anger and hurt inward at myself. I had major difficulty moving past hopeless despondency and fell into a spiral of self hatred. The punishing, angry thoughts became chronic that it scared. I knew where it would lead. So, getting to where I could even feel anger towards my ex…
/r/Divorce_Men09/01/25 04:34 PM
3

Cats are where it’s at. I thought I wasn’t a cat person… after the divorce, the family cat I inherited and took to live with me became super attached. She was constantly just WITH ME. It was like she sensed that I was hurting and not doing very well. I always attributed that empathy to dogs, but that little 3 legged cat helped me through some tough hurt. I wasn’t kind to myself then, still struggling with it. But she was a little ever present reminder that I’m not completely alone and I am good …
/r/Divorce_Men26/12/24 01:10 AM
7

Well, that just reached down into some scar tissue and touched something unhealed. Dang. Seeing glimpses of their mother in my daughters still makes me tear up.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 04:45 PM
3

I feel you man. Happy Thanksgiving!
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/24 11:42 PM
1

Don’t take her “need some space” literally. It’s just easier to say than, “I’m purposely destroying my emotional bond with you right now by having sex with other men. I don’t want you close because when you are around I get anxiety.” Adulterers nowadays have “partner triggered anxiety” instead of outdated notions like “guilt and shame when you’re around because I’m secretly being a lying whore.”
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/24 02:30 AM
5

It’s hard, but imagine moving forward with wounds festering and hurt ever growing from one of the most painful betrayals you can experience. The man who takes a sexually betraying spouse back almost always loses any chance for future respect, from himself AND the cheating spouse. It almost always leads to resentment on both sides and circles back to blame the husband and cheat or leave again. Value and respect yourself enough to say that your marriage was a clear boundary. She willingly crossed …
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 07:44 PM
6

Past a certain point, “processing” isn’t helpful. It moves beyond the initial processing phase, which is necessary. You take ownership for your mistakes, learn from them and allow yourself to acclimate and make peace with your current reality. In some individuals, “processing” can become a destructive self soothing mechanism that actually prevents them from healing and moving on. The honest analysis of your own mistakes and flaws, in effort to learn from them and improve, eventually takes a neur…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 06:54 PM
1

I went through this during my separation and divorce. I eventually resorted to sleep aids like Benadryl and a prescription just so I could get enough sleep to function at work and as a dad. It does get better after a while and it’s one of those things you have to endure to get through to the other side. Fwiw, the prescription I tried was Trazodone. I asked for something non-addictive. It worked. I slept! The next morning I woke up with a super rigid erection and it would not go away. I am appare…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 12:20 PM
2

One good thing about this situation is the divorce will move forward, regardless of whether we have the ability to navigate it well. Make the best choices you can, get advice from men who have been through it before, dismiss anything the ex has said that still rings around in your head and BE KIND TO YOURSELF. You’ll make mistakes, learn from them and be wiser and stronger for it. Again, listen to similar experiences from men on here who are months and years out from where you are now. During my…
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/24 04:50 PM
3

I appreciate hearing this. I did something similar and resonate with so much of your post. It is wonderful that the divorce didn’t destroy your empathy and you could see clearly enough to end the relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 11:03 AM
2

This is the most accurate critique of couples and individual therapy during the breakdown of a marriage that I’ve read. The chance that it hastens the demise of a marriage is higher than it helping a marriage heal and stay intact IMO. Individual therapy can be helpful, but that is also kind of a crap shoot depending on your resolve to find a good therapist.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 07:33 PM
15

I shouldn’t care any more but some days I still have to fight off the nagging inner voice that says I wasn’t good enough. Reality hit me when I realized she was in a serious relationship and the divorce was not even finalized. It still makes me feel sick if I mentally go there.
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/24 07:36 PM
7

Based on my own and thousands of other divorced guys experiences… if not actively in a physical or emotional affair, she is likely considering it as an option. She’s in the process of detaching from you emotionally and only seeing what she chooses now: your faults and “bad.” It helps sooth the guilt of their betrayal lol. She’s using the language and wording that would indicate it. Wait for the smoking gun: “I love you but I’m not in love with you.” This is the tell that they’ve already got your…
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/24 02:09 PM
9

I briefly considered attempting to remain “friends” as the divorce was proceeding. I actually wanted this for a bit while I was in a very confused broken state. At the time, I wanted to cling to any hope of anything with my ex. Two years after the divorce, my perspective is far different. I treat my ex in a respectful manner for my daughter’s sake, but I have no desire to share any relationship with her beyond what I have to in order to make coparenting work. They aren’t the person who we marrie…
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 10:14 AM
3

Amen. The past is forever done and immutable, yet so very hard to completely release. We take accountability, learn from our mistakes, let the wounds scab over and move forward the best we can. Trying the best we can or even know how to…is worth giving oneself a pat on the back. Good job making it this far! It’s the roughest road I’ve been down but it continually gets smoother the longer you KEEP GOING! You got this dude.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/24 10:53 PM
2

Same here. It’s a mix of mostly good days interspersed with fending off the occasional sadness or anger spiral.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/24 05:10 PM
5

I agree that shifting into a self blaming mindset originates from fear: the desire to feel that one was ultimately in control of painful events and could have altered the outcome if only… The fear and anxiety about the pain drives one to resort to an emotional defense strategy to mitigate any future pain (or fantasy of changing the past) by controlling all factors that could lead to pain and abandonment. This is a delusional state that is common with people who have gone through emotional trauma…
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/24 03:12 PM
3

Don’t knock “just getting to work and trying to be present for your kids.” During one of the most painful and destructive experiences a man can experience, simply maintaining employment and being a decent dad are plenty to handle at times. Don’t discount your efforts at the basics because all the advice pushes the part about hobbies, gym, socializing, recreate yourself, etc. There’s time for that. Don’t beat yourself up because you aren’t suddenly morphing into Mr. Gym Routine Run Club Single Da…
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/24 09:02 PM
2

I read your post and remembered being exactly where you are now, two years ago. You are in the middle of storm right now and likely cannot even fathom its passage. You will make it through and be stronger and wiser for it! Focus on what you did RIGHT. Don’t beat yourself up and DO NOT ALLOW YOUR EX’S OPINIONS AND WORDS TO DEFINE ANYTHING ABOUT WHO YOU ARE. Grieve the loss, get mad. Once the fog clears, healing begins and you can see reality a bit more accurately, you will look back and see this …
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/24 08:49 PM
10

The overwhelming posts say just go for it so my opinion might be unpopular, but I disagree. I feel like resigning yourself to try this because the divorce has left you attention starved, desperate for connection and in need of an ego boost… it seems like a cheap, destructive route. It is detrimental to your manhood. I know a man who confessed to me he tried it after a horrible breakup, at a point where he was despondent and had no self esteem. He said it was fun getting attention until he had a …
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/24 02:45 PM
4

I haven’t seriously started dating and it’s been almost exactly a year since the divorce was final. I had some way to early forays into dating and realized I was no where near ready to venture into this until I had grieved and healed a bit more. I will not use apps when I seriously try again. I witnessed a buddy who went through a divorce almost simultaneous to mine get his self esteem chewed into nothing by the apps. Hinge, Bumble and Tinder specifically. I have buddies girlfriends and wives tr…
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/24 11:35 AM
3

Go no contact. Gray rock. It will be good for you.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/24 10:26 PM
1

Lots of women pick up this verbal trick from therapists and pretend therapy channels on TikTok and Instagram.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/24 08:53 PM
1

I hated when my ex used to say “I’m sorry you feel that way.” It isn’t an apology, it’s a condescending way to say “I’m still in the right”and further invalidate you.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/24 08:52 PM
6

I’m scared about the love bombing. I’ve never experienced it during serious relationships and worry I might fall victim. I had a crazy ex do it early on in my dating life but I could sense the maelstrom that was coming and ducked out. It was very hot, then cold, then hotter and then cold. Then she’d ramp it up even more. I said I’m out lady. This is driving me nuts and I’m not going through this. Later she got back in touch and told me about her diagnoses and codependency issues and wanted to re…
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/24 02:24 AM
6

This… every woman from her family was a red flag factory. I assumed she was the unicorn good one of the batch. I remember talking with my brother in law about their bickering during a big crap show of a family vacation like they host every year… he said, they all go on about how every one of the other women is unbearable, but they’re all exactly the same. Boy was he right. He’s still locked in. I’m happily free now.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/24 02:20 AM
1

Amen. You have to cut her out completely, like diseased tissue. You aren’t there yet but wait until the anger phase of the grief cycle arrives. Lean into that and let it open your eyes to reality sir.
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 03:36 PM
8

100%. It’s a well documented phenomenon in the stories on here. It’s heartbreaking to read. I say fight fire with fire and emulate it, although I know in the midst of it happening to me that would have been impossible.
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 12:00 PM
3

Holy crap. This echoes my own experience in so many ways. The way your relationship started, she was my first serious girlfriend, self esteem issues from growing up as a fat kid, similar mindset and naive notions on demonstrating love and work. Similar coldness and self centered ex. Was your ex from a divorced family and did she have a moral superiority complex? I lost the weight before college, became fit and suddenly girls were on easy mode. Apparently I’m actually handsome and funny. Funny be…
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/24 07:24 PM
7

It’s eerie how similar some of our stories are. It’s sickening to hear another man who dealt with this level of disrespect and was entirely unappreciated for the day to day grind we took care of that was never even comprehended by their womanly brains. Whoever they get next can deal with their lala land, entitled asses. I saw my ex wife in a whole new light after the blinders came off and reality set in. Her pedestal fell quickly and I realized how I badly I had been used, gaslit and manipulated…
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/24 01:22 PM
11

I agreed to separate before she dropped the divorce bomb. It was under the guise of “to work for reconciling and fixing the marriage.” We had a farm, so I would come back and do work. When her plan was through and she unveiled her desire to divorce, she still expected me to drive back and mow, maintain the property, take care of animals and a thousand other things. I told her only if I move back. She threw a literal screaming, balling tantrum and threw things across the living room. I calmly (od…
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/24 01:09 PM
5

I do not and don’t foresee that changing down the road. I won’t play the “still friends” fantasy narrative ex wives tell people after they implode their families to try new dingalings.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/24 12:14 PM
2

I took mine off once my ex said divorce. I still on occasion feel for it while driving to work, catch myself and say F THAT HO.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 01:05 PM
2

Brother, your username is spot on😉. It took a few reads, but I think I got the gist. Stay strong.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 08:56 PM
6

Sense made not for my reading. Tried though I did, destiny was not the outcome of understanding a thing about order of words layed on screen, rows of words, yay, perchance in the end a story of things! But what are things even really?
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 02:29 PM
3

The only advice I have is to work through the grief process and don’t get hung up and stagnate on a particular stage. I personally got hung up on the anger stage. Anger is not an feeling unto itself, it is an emotional response to pain and hurt. I fully lost track of the why’s when I experienced anger. So I had to figure out what was making me hurt. Why did it hurt? Can I do anything about it? Would her acknowledging anything really make me stop hurting? Nope. It was pointless, harmful to me and…
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/24 05:48 PM
6

Wholeheartedly agree with you. Divorcees are a no go for me. It’s disgusting how many guys will date a divorcee and just take her at her word about what led to the divorce and about her ex. Even divorced men who had it happen to them!
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/24 01:35 PM
7

Yeah, divorces that involve actual physical and mental abuse from the husband are astonishingly few and far between. Having someone disagree with you, feeling dissatisfied or being called out on cheating are not emotional abuse lol.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/24 01:00 PM
8

It’s likely that in her mind, IF she recognized any failings on her part, they were because of you and your failings lol. Few women take full ownership of their misdeeds and faults. Most refuse to ever be a villain in their own story. Even if she was on a secret rotating schedule of dicks during the marriage, to her it was because of “not getting her needs met” or whatever she tells herself to be a victim. Only under extreme circumstances where they are blatantly exposed via video or audio will …
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/24 12:55 PM
5

Haha, ain’t that the truth! Men’s divorce stories are all some variation of 4 or 5 basic patterns. The similarities are both funny and unnerving.
/r/Divorce_Men16/06/24 11:27 AM
8

Sometimes the cheating is because they do care , want out and use allowing themselves to get tingles from another man as a way to sever the emotional bond. They use the ensuing lack of romantic feelings around you and the generally anxiety from being around someone they’ve betrayed as a justification that they’re in the right! I feel good around him, bad around you… It must be because you are one of those narcissists or emotional abusers from TikTok! I’m a survivor. Mine literally said, “if you …
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/24 09:04 PM
6

Analog night vision modular. I sold my motorcycle and also bought a rifle I’d been wanting. Honestly, it felt amazing just buying decorations and items for my new house without endless discussion and back and forth. There also wasn’t the inevitable weekend spent rearranging entire rooms a month after getting it in place. My ex fixated on that crap. I got into interior design during the move and have this place looking exactly like I want.
/r/Divorce_Men15/06/24 07:32 PM
1

You wrote a book length post, there were no paragraphs and seemingly less than 10 commas.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/24 04:40 PM
2

You too man. They say it gets better with time and I’ll say, yeah, that’s true so far. It’s just very slow healing and not linear in the least bit.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/24 02:59 AM
14

It never turned off for me. We had sex all the time. Mine just wanted to have it with other people as well. It ripped out my soul once I figured out everything. I do wonder if I’d marry her again if I had the choice. Because I love my kids so much and wouldn’t have them if I didn’t marry her, the answer is yes. I’d go through the pain all over again just to have my girls.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 09:47 PM
5

Get snipped. It’s easy and not that big of a deal recovery wise.
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/24 11:52 AM
1

I also feel some of what you’re talking about. People do sometimes assume a lot of untrue things about divorced men. It is par for the course. All we can do is deeply know who we are and make choices that reflect that, so we are impervious to the judgment and scorn of the ignorant. I remember times when I was married and heard about someone getting a divorce. I wondered about the ins and outs of it and made a lot of wrong assumptions. Having been through a wife filing and all that ensued, I have…
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/24 11:30 PM
2

This sounds like a lot of the clinical descriptions of depression. It sucks. Been there. What you are going through is one of the hardest things a man can experience so it is actually an appropriate response. There’s nothing wrong with experiencing this as long as you don’t stay there for perpetuity. It isn’t normal to expect yourself to be unscathed by divorce and as able to be happy and productive as ever. Take it easy on yourself and give yourself some slack. I barely functioned beyond going …
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/24 02:38 PM
9

I felt this for a bit. The only way to get past it is to go through it and a good start is by telling your family. It sucked and I was ashamed. Like I’d failed. In retrospect, I didn’t. Yes, others will judge divorced men. Women are commonly treated as victims, no matter what they did. Men aren’t afforded much sympathy and the line of thinking is, she wouldn’t have left if he was doing things right. It’s bull crap. It’s reality. You face it and allow the experience to grow your own self worth. I…
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/24 02:10 PM
8

I had one. It isn’t a big deal. You’re slightly uncomfortable for a day or two and they even give you pain meds. I don’t see any downsides. The post vasectomy pain syndrome thing seems like a very tiny thing to get worked up over. I know a lot of guys who’ve had one and have literally never even heard of this.
/r/Divorce_Men13/05/24 11:04 AM
5

I went through this. I messed up a few times as I went through the process, sending angry texts. They almost always were after a couple alcoholic beverages, so that shit got cut out. I decided the best place I could be is cold indifference. And if I’m not exactly there once in a while, fake it till you make it. They went cold and heartless, isn’t it fitting to get there yourself and return the sentiment? Lots of ex wives get a perverse pleasure about how their ex husbands are still affected emot…
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/24 09:23 PM
1

You say goodbye to her potential with you. The trajectory has shifted and you part ways. You look forward to healing enough that you experience indifference to her instead of sadness or anger. You realize what you are to her now. 99% of women have already detached from the husband and have no emotion at this point. They do have emotion if the husband continues to try and chase and salvage… and that is usually anger and contempt.
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/24 07:08 PM
3

You’re stuck in the denial and bargaining phase of your grief. You will get past this. When you start to feel some anger you’ll be getting towards the end. Just keep moving forward! One cathartic, symbolic gesture you can do for yourself is get rid of the ring. Stop wearing it. Put it away in a drawer one night and say goodbye to her. The woman you are grieving is gone. She is no longer the woman you are pining over in your memories. Once you get her off the pedestal and start to see who she is …
/r/Divorce_Men08/05/24 06:44 PM
2

Listen to the dude and read No More Mr Nice Guy asap.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/24 05:00 PM
1

Thanks man. As of today, I’ve moved on to more of a screw you phase. I go back and forth from anger, to indifference. Lately, my nightmares and dreams of the past have veered into the anger/fuck you phase and away from the reminiscent vibe. I guess that’s a win? I do hope she suffers from nightmares of the good times with me, but she’s a woman, so I doubt that’s the case. It would be nice to think she occasionally wakes from a fond dream of me and has her betraying ass’s day ruined because of it…
/r/Divorce_Men04/05/24 11:08 AM
3

Please get over the demise of your marriage before you start dating. No matter what she does. It takes longer for men to process, no matter what the consensus narrative states about women being “more emotionally attuned.” If you ignore this, you’ll just draw other emotionally wounded and traumatized women. Like draws like. Heal and be in a good place before you start dipping your wick. I say this from experience. I convinced myself I was healed and ready and attracted some hotties. Some trauma r…
/r/Divorce_Men01/05/24 10:10 PM
9

That is kind of poetic bro. Had me tearing up.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 09:32 PM
3

Men do not think like this. Contrary to the popular narrative, we are the one’s who have hearts, actual feelings and turmoil associated with leaving a partner. The narrative flips reality 360 degrees. This is fake AF. Get the F Out with this shit OP.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 07:46 PM
7

This sounds like rage bait written by a divorced woman, to point out hypocrisy. OP is either a weak, petty man or a disingenuous woman, posing to get click fuel for some other sub.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/24 04:40 PM
3

I gave up on anything like this. Mother’s Day is on them. Christmas, birthdays, the same. I have no part in propping up the kids efforts.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/24 08:58 PM
3

It’s funny you attracted a fearful avoidant… the aftermath of your marriage has brought out this or a matching tendency in yourself. I’m the end, I was anxious preoccupied as all get out with my ex. Secure in every other area. In the aftermath, I have basically morphed into fearful avoidant with romantic relationships. Like draws like. Unhealed people attract people with either the same or well matching (I.e., toxic AF) traumas. It will get better. As to when… that is entirely individual. It WIL…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/24 12:13 PM
4

You do not need to talk to her. You need to leave it all behind and move forward. She’s not the same person you married at this point.
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/24 01:32 AM
2

Yeah, thanks. I’m aware. They aren’t going to come out and say, “I want to go try out being a whore.” They gussy it up for their personal narrative.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 11:17 PM
7

My ex admitted it was a mid life crisis and said she “was just ready for something new!” Well ok then!
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 04:30 PM
3

I do the prescribed stuff. We text for exchanging the kids and all communication is limited to info for drop offs and stuff related to our daughters. There is no communication beyond that. Drop offs are at 3 designated spots near our homes. We live in different cities now.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 02:04 PM
5

This meant more than you know. I am a believer as well and struggle with forgiveness. How do you forgive someone who exists in a perpetual state of betrayal? Daily? Every time it cuts you to the bone when you think of what they’ve done? How do you forgive someone who sees no wrong in what they’ve done and could care less about the pain and destruction their choices caused? I struggle with this and just have to forgive the hurt daily.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 01:59 PM
3

I’m already working out and heavy into the weights. I’ve gotten back into some old hobbies and started some new ones. I’ve reconnected with old friends and gotten much closer with a couple friends who were there for me through this process. I wish I could just move on to perpetual idgaf but damn. I spent 20 years loving this person. I think I’ve done pretty darn great at moving on and seeing things for how they are. An occasional sad day of grieving for what was lost is just fine. Thanks for the…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 01:50 PM
6

Man, i thank you for your reply. It feels a little bit better hearing from guys who are making it through similar pain. You aren’t who they say you are. Only you know yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 04:38 AM
7

Your reply means a lot. Thank you. I lost who I was in the end. I don’t even know where I lost myself in the marriage. If I even knew who I was fully before we became entangled. We married young. It’s a hard road getting back but I am trying. It helps knowing the ex is not who I thought she was. And that I’m a darn good dad and was a great husband. If she can find anyone better to take on the ruin of the family she destroyed, good for her. I know who I am know I was worth fighting for. She threw…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 03:49 AM
3

Thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 03:25 AM
2

Yes. This is how women operate. The take away from this is do not let their delusional narrative infect you. You are not what they claim. In fact, open your eyes fully, strip away any pedestalized rose colored glasses and see the ex for who they are. They are ultimately selfish and threw away their family for their own lustful interests. They think they got a raw deal and can do better. You are not the straw man they build to alleviate their guilt for destroying a family. You just aren’t. Assess…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 03:12 AM
2

Thanks man. It means a lot. Tomorrow, this feeling will be gone and I’ll keep on going. I’m a bit better every day that goes by.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 02:40 AM
3

Yeah dude, just be very careful. This sounds like a serious textbook rebound. I had something similar happen and looking back, I’d have smacked the ever living shit out of myself for getting so over the moon over someone so fast. I came to my senses eventually and realized I was in no way whatsoever healed enough to be getting into another relationship. Especially with her. Like draws like. Damaged and wounded folks draw other damaged people. If you aren’t completely secure and satisfied with yo…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/24 02:35 AM
1

I second this! Getting rid of any pictures, videos or items you’ve held onto is a powerful act that helps destroy the codependent, dysfunctional neural pathways that formed as a protective response during the decline and dissolution of the marriage. Especially get rid of any intimate photos or videos. Don’t harbor sexual fantasies. Seriously, this stuff is like an anchor that will literally keep you from moving on and kill your ability to heal and build yourself back into an awesome man. Have yo…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 04:30 PM
2

It gets easier once you process that the woman you loved is no longer around and only exists as memories. At this point, the woman you married is effectively dead. They have made choices that ensure of this. You have to grieve the loss like a death. When you realize what her process was for detaching from you and killing off the woman you married, you will likely be in the anger stage of the grief process. Trust me, you will feel the betrayal and injustice once you wake up to what she has done. …
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 03:50 PM
5

It’s brave to post this and own up to your betrayal and selfishness. When I read your post I didn’t feel much other than disgust and disrespect. You are owning up to your choices and acknowledging it was selfish and destructive. You are examining your codependent roots for why you did this. This is how a man should assess himself after he makes a horrible, hurtful choice. So I salute you for this. Contrast this with how most women who cheat deny wrongdoing, deflect blame onto the betrayed husban…
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 12:22 PM
1

Pickups and drop offs are the same for me at this point, a year out from her asking for divorce. I think I will eventually get to indifference. I hope so at least.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/24 11:55 AM
8

There are a few reoccurring patterns of actual behaviors and choices that do tend to show up, over and over again. Not just the emotional interpretations. Women who want a divorce tend to make similar choices in the end and men who want to stay married respond similarly. The language women use to describe their actions, justification for them and the words and judgments they attach to the husbands they are leaving are all eerily similar to each other. The broken husband’s posts on here all sound…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/24 11:24 PM
3

One thing to watch out for is losing muscle and the inevitable drop in your metabolism. You are losing muscle, which in and of itself is dropping your basal metabolic rate. At least get in a few protein shakes daily and do some form of weight training to offset this. Your body will respond at some point by upping hunger hormones and will only tolerate this for a while. Right now your body is overriding all that signaling with the massive amount of grief your neurons are basically bathing in. Thi…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/24 01:49 PM
4

I second getting into the Psalms. These times are what they are for. They got me through the darkest days of my divorce. King David literally poured out his heart to his God, nothing held back. It’s raw. God doesn’t hate honesty, even it’s anger and doubt. The Ecclesiastes are also good for what you are going through. Hang in there brother. You will be better for having gone through it, like gold refined in the fire.
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/24 02:11 AM
3

Women who implode marriages latch onto the common lingo and catch phrases promoted within their community. It is part of their grief process and allows them to go through it without taking any accountability for the ways they “flip the switch” and kill the bond with their husband. Most will purposefully sever it through physical or emotional infidelity, and most are also in denial or literally unaware of what they are doing. It is all about feelings during this process and they are in a sort of …
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/24 12:42 PM
5

Often times, the one who delivers accusations of narcissism is actually the narcissist themselves. I discovered this after being legitimately destroyed by these accusations and sought psychological help in an effort to repair the “damage I had done.” Turns out, taking all blame upon oneself and agreeing to every accusation is not a sign of narcissism! My therapist asked to see us both but my ex refused because the other therapist we saw refused to blame everything solely on me.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/24 05:10 PM
10

Agree. It ends it for me. I leave cold as ice. No explanation. No regrets. I do not tolerate or oblige this fantasy. Maybe they were, but the probability that they destroyed a good man for lust and selfishness and latched onto the Instagram delusion of victimhood is too high to roll the dice. It is a huge turn off and they are not even worth a roll in the hay. I do not care how hot they are. I immediately clam up and shut down once I hear that bullshit verbiage. I’d rather take a chance with a g…
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/24 05:00 PM
3

I’m not sure of what you are implying OP. It was self medication and resulted in mostly bad for me. I’ll leave as I’m not the intended audience for your post. Honestly it seems kind of a jerk response.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/24 09:03 PM
5

No, but when I got divorced I almost became one myself. I seldom drank before that.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/24 02:49 PM
3

You are a wise man on Reddit. Few and far between.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/24 06:07 PM
5

You’re not alone. I avoid porn like the plague. I treat masturbation like a medical procedure and get it done as quick as possible with as little imagination as possible. I had a bad bought of fantasizing about my ex and went through a porn phase. It’s destructive and not natural. On some level, your brain recognizes you aren’t engaging in the activity and merely watching. Porn effectively makes you a cuck. Your brain knows this shit. Deny all you want. If you’re jacking and not involved… cuck. …
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/24 05:39 PM
10

I feel like it will implode at some point and a reset will occur. The sad part will be the destroyed families and broken children left in the wake until that occurs.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/24 03:00 AM
1

I didn’t. Mine initiated
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/24 07:52 PM
4

While waiting for the divorce to be finalized, my ex and I were both looking for new houses. There was some legal paper that had to be signed if one of us bought a house before the official finalization. It was some kind of statement that any property bought is the sole property of the buyer and the ex has no claim to it. Anyway, I found one first, won the bid and texted her to have the lawyer send me a copy of the form. She got very angry and said she missed out on a house she got high bid on t…
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/24 12:01 PM
3

Here’s something I do to cut through the mental crap that binds you to inaction. You can do almost anything one time. You can do two minutes of almost any activity. The first step is drive to the gym. Go inside. No one is judging you but yourself, so just get there. If you manage that, you accomplished more than you have staying home on the couch. Then go do one thing. Bench press. That’s it. One set wasn’t hard. You built the foundation of a habit. Since you built momentum, you will likely fini…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/24 03:27 AM
3

You decide to stop seeing them who you idealized them to be and instead see them as a fucked up human who sometimes does horrifyingly hurtful stuff. Just like ourselves. Just like all of us. You make peace with the fact that during a divorce, women are prone to not take any accountability and they will not own up to anything, admit blame or acknowledge the hurt they inflicted. EVER. You have to forgive someone who thinks they did nothing wrong. You forgive and throw it into the ocean. It’s gone.…
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/24 02:35 PM
5

You will find out eventually, the more you think about it, the worse you end up. Embrace looking forward to the day you are indifferent to them entirely. Indifference is the best. That’s really what they deserve.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/24 11:54 AM
3

I love your post sir. Needed this today. I’ve been here less lately and see the light at the end of the tunnel finally!
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/24 06:37 PM
1

lol, I like your style dude. I appreciate the candor you write with and the fact that you are obviously reflecting on things like empathy and validation without being pulled into the weaponized, destructive spin these concepts are being used for today, especially against men. We cannot do a full on 360 and throw the baby out with the bath water. Then you end up in red/black pill territory and that gets s man’s thinking muddied very fast if one isn’t careful.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/24 08:27 AM
3

Amen. No point in it. At the point a relationship is over and they are bowing out, it’s best to work on yourself without them. Reflect for yourself. Involving input from the exiting wife in that reflection is no longer healthy and mostly detrimental. Things get complicated and muddied. Ex’s do nothing for helping a man achieve clarity, no matter what the pain and anguish you’re going through seem to tell you.
/r/Divorce_Men11/03/24 08:14 AM
6

The one time I feel like narcissist is rightly applied. It’s a rarity. See a psychotherapist.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/24 07:20 PM
2

Amen. Just getting it out is a huge help sometimes. I hope the best for you. And I hope your Alabama incest weirdo ex suffers in shame for being such a huge piece of cheating shit. Stay strong king. You got this.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/24 07:00 PM
3

Holy shit. This made me feel a lot better about my own divorce. Thank you for that sir. I hope the best for you. That was jarring AF and I didn’t even finish reading all of it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/24 05:39 PM
4

LOL about validation. WHOO BOY, that one was thrown around by my ex. You literally have to agree with every notion and whim they get or the “invalidating my feelings” gets said. It’s like a trump card. Try saying, what about my feelings… hahaha. Nope. Men aren’t allowed to have those when they are contrary to theirs. Such a ridiculous double standard.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/24 02:24 PM
4

This sounds hard. I avoid them and now I’m wondering about how I’ve moved past it all. Thinking about doing this is getting my eyes a bit watery and I’ve managed to not do that shit for a while now.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/24 05:15 PM
4

Once I thought about the origin of term, it’s probably considered racist in this day and age. Not intended. ✌️
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/24 03:40 PM
3

Spit me some more Marcus Aurelius chief. Give me some of that sweet Stoicism that you clearly do not understand. You’re a fucking joke of a man and if that’s your attitude, your wife probably should have left you. GTFO.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/24 04:34 AM
10

Lol. Churches these days are no guarantee of the Word being proclaimed, much less lives lived after His example. It’s almost a guaranteed that the more popular and easy to attend the church, the greater chance you’re hearing some worldly, adulterated self worship, styled with Jesus-esque flourishes. The man Himself spoke of these days we are living in. If you have ears to hear.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/24 04:32 AM
3

I weed them out by not dating divorced women with kids. The odds they are cut from the same cloth as everyone else’s ex are so high it’s basically Russian roulette. I’ll deal with slimmer pickings for a better chance I find someone who isn’t already poisoned.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/24 01:42 AM
0

Stoicism is fine, but it doesn’t allow one to escape the moral implications of smashing some unaware husband’s wife, no matter how much of a whore she became. If he were to beat your brains in, that’d be a fair price. Blames on her, but if you know and say screw it, damn that guy I’ll get some pussy out of this… stoicism isn’t a blank check for being a sociopath. The stoics were very moral guys. They’d skin your ass alive. Stoicism is about controlling what you can and realizing what is up to th…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/24 01:35 AM
2

Yeah, but how do you weed out the real deal golden single mom’s from the ones spinning a delusional tale that their ex “abused” them…because he disagreed with her new free wheeling lifestyle or dared express feelings contrary to her own. IT WAS ABUSE! JUST THE EMOTIONAL KIND! He dared question my integrity while I was setting up my affair! It made me feel guilt and that means…Narcissism! Gaslighting! White knights gonna hear that and imagine him smacking her around, treating her like property. T…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/24 12:11 AM
1

You don’t have one. Don’t give the married ho’s dick fodder. Consider the husband and that you were one once upon a time.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/24 12:00 AM
22

Jiu jitsu. That was where my wife went off the reservation as well. I wish I’d never gotten my family involved, but I guess I can’t blame that. I do blame her, although she specifically and vehemently denies any blame whatsoever. Like, what? Come again?! lol. Oh well. It’s all said and done. Just an interesting observation.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/24 11:59 PM
4

Kind of feeling the same questions as codbatter… what’s your deal dude? Do you have a more detailed explanation of your choice to divorce? Because it comes across as a shitty thing to do to someone in your wife’s circumstances. Why are you divorcing? Sounds like she kind of might have difficulty having a job. Her parents died and her husband is leaving her… yeah. A bit of self pity would be entirely appropriate in her position.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/24 11:33 PM
2

You have to get past the “get back together even after other guys” crap. Value yourself. At that point she’s no longer the woman you married and she doesn’t have the least bit of respect for you. You win nothing by longing and staying true to a woman who is getting dicked down by another guy/guys. She isn’t going to see you as some white knight or whatever fantastical notion of how she’ll finally come around and see you. This this behavior is repulsive to women who have separated. She will see i…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/24 03:30 PM
1

Read through here what wives do during separations. It’s like clockwork, you’re still pining for her, your soul is dying and in anguish…..and she’s out”finding herself” and detaching from you via other dudes. Go ahead and detach. It’s actually good for you right now, no matter what the outcome is. Just prepare yourself, 99% of the time she’ll ask for divorce. Detach brother and start the grief process. Don’t involve her. Your best bet is to not chase or even SPEAK OR TEXT her at this point.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/24 02:42 AM
1

Lots of guys are conditioned to chase, by women who expect it. This is often more so for guys who have had their souls and esteem crushed by adultery. There is a very visceral reaction against that once the healing begins and that can sometimes swing 360 to “you’ll chase ME, I’ll no longer play that game.” I am not chasing after anyone’s affection nor do I want a woman to, but I get it. Your comment was not necessary nor do you seem to get it. Scary? Really? That’s dating for both sexes in 2024.…
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/24 02:33 AM
5

We’re no longer the man they married, nor the one they left. Likewise, most of them are not the woman we remember marrying and loved all those years. I grieved losing my wife like a death, because that’s what it was. That woman made choices to become someone else and the woman I married no longer exists. In a majority of cases of wife initiated divorce, that’s their doing, because of lies and betrayal.
/r/Divorce_Men25/02/24 02:00 AM
1

You’re in a delicate state right now and you likely will not believe me, but I’ll say it anyway. You need to cut off all contact with her and progress through the stages of grief. Do not look back. She is no longer the woman you married. That person died when she left you. Grieve her like a death of a loved one, because that is spiritually and emotionally the result of her choice. Go no contact. She betrayed you. Do not pine for her. Do not fantasize about reuniting. If you did reunite, she woul…
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/24 12:59 PM
7

You can make it through it and you will. You aren’t whatever it seems in this moment. You are more than you know and you are strong enough to weather this storm and make it out on the other side, better, stronger and wiser. This is one of those moments where you’re being forged into a better man and it sucks immensely in the moment. I’ll say a prayer for you right now man.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 07:16 PM
1

Not tongue in cheek… there are values in the old ways. Modernity’s incessant need to flip every tradition and moral tenet on its head and call it superior and enlightened has really done wonders for Western civilization aint it?
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 06:28 AM
6

Yeah, I agree to get off Facebook. I disabled my account somewhere in my separation and let me tell you, I’m glad I did. It’s a giant, soul sucking waste of time and absolute shit for your mental health. I feel so much better without social media I may never reactivate it. I got rid of Instagram too. These things literally rewire your brain and not in a good way.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 06:19 AM
3

You are worth seeing a therapist and delving into what needs to be healed.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 12:37 AM
4

You’re very codependent. Therapy can get to the root of the trauma of why you feel unlovable. That’s the root… deep down you fear you are unlovable and don’t trust you’ll be safe unless you perform. It goes back to childhood usually. I second the suggestion No More Mr. Nice Guy. It will open your eyes. You can stop being a slave to external things and people to feel worth and have it from where it matters… yourself. Self respect, self worth and knowing you’re worthy of love are what counts.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 06:17 PM
4

They don’t neatly group into any demographic. If there’s any commonalities I’ve seen, it’s when divorced or currently divorcing women and single “I don’t need a man” moms enter their friend circle and the wife becomes close with them. These type women can spread a virulent contagion of bitterness towards husbands and an attitude of victimhood and blamelessness to married moms. They magnify any current marital issues as unfixable and basically a prison and spread the deceptive idea that though di…
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 02:20 PM
5

Family. Friends. Being a dad! The best dad you have ever been. For a brief time, booze but that quickly turns into a madness of its own and I had to pump the brakes something fierce. I advise from personal experience, do not self medicate with alcohol. It always made me feel better for a bit and by the end of the evening I was either angrier or sobbing like a moron. Then somehow the next time you feel like numbing out, the brain says, hey how about some more of that booze! Just don’t do this.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 12:23 PM
10

Uh, yes. You can. Maybe SHOULD. Why do women get a pass? How many men here had their wives tell them they no longer loved them? Pill “suicide” is 99% of the time a manipulation tactic.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 11:46 AM
17

Yeah, no. Sorry lady. What the hell? That’s sadistic to put a man through the hell of a divorce he doesn’t even want, let him heal enough to put it behind him and then expect him to not move on. It’s delusional, emotion based, self centered madness. Sickening. Don’t interact with her! Texts only, for kids only, very limited info. Gray rock her lunatic ass to the moon.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 12:40 AM
2

I like your suggestion to open up and discuss issues as if she wasn’t there! That unwraps a whole barrel of monkeys lol. A controlling woman like this will absolutely go apeshit if the husband expresses his perspective and feelings freely. It will be viewed by the wife as invalidating HER feelings and HER narrative that has been steadily reinforced over the years. Then the emotional abuse and narcissism accusations will be thrown about. For women feelings are facts. Express feelings contrary to …
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 05:38 PM
6

Realize that at this point the woman you loved and married is gone. You are in love with a ghost of a memory. You’ll have to grieve her loss just like a death, every day for a while. It’s harder than grieving the death of a loved one, because the person you loved is still out there, living life and getting dicked down, with no thought of you. Let her be. Don’t chase. No matter what you feel. Look up the gray rock technique. Now is the time to focus on YOU, NOT HER. You’ll go through the stages o…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 01:53 PM
3

Yeah man. This place is a good place to learn from guys who have been where you are. It’s a good place to vent. Way better than venting to her lol. (Don’t ever do that btw). Everyone here is rooting for you and has made it through the struggle. These things tend to follow a few different patterns. They reoccur over and over in men’s stories on here. Some posts are eerily like reading your own experience, written in another man’s words, so we get what you’re going through. Hang in there, focus on…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 01:37 PM
14

According to most ex wives, it’s basically mandatory to talk to other people and date during separation and couples therapy. Preferably kept secret so one can maintain their facade of moral superiority and victim status. If it gets out that you’re dating around, no worries because general consensus among everyone is to give her the benefit of the doubt and no harm done. I’m kidding, I hope obviously. Men do not get this same treatment. You will be labeled a scum bag who gave up on everything and…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 12:18 PM
4

In my ex’s case, it seemed to be a combination of my her new therapist and faux therapy women influencers (divorce peddlers) on Instagram. My ex sent me so many Instagram clips about this stuff. They push an enticing narrative that appeals to two powerful motives: You are a victim of narcissistic abuse, a trauma survivor; you are also a bold hero for being strong enough to leave and choosing yourself “for once.” “Narcissist” gets tossed around so freely that any woman experiencing relationship s…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 11:03 PM
2

Thanks brother. Appreciate it.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 08:07 PM
2

lol. I did forget that one! Crazy how similar some of our experiences are. It’s ridiculous the mental contortions they go through to make themselves blameless ain’t it?
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 08:06 PM
22

I experienced this crap. What angered me the most was her inability to see her adulterous actions and complete rewrite of history as willful actions to detach from me. They adjust their memories and view of reality, in my opinion, to alleviate guilt and shame over obviously betraying a man who loves them. She explained that it was ok for her be dating during the time she specifically declared was to have been for restoring the relationship, because was trying to figure out if we were through. Sh…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 05:15 PM
8

I hope this creeper gets deleted. Not the place for this kind of thing. There are plenty of places to go look for wiener dude. This isn’t one of them. It’s borderline predatory to post this crap on this sub. Btw, I’d say the very same thing if you were a woman. Gtfo and go hit up Grindr.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/24 04:59 AM
1

I have trouble sleeping too brother. Hang in there. Get in some cardio every day, that helps me. Start light, so you don’t dread it and can build the habit back. You got this.💪🏼
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/24 04:00 PM
2

Fun fact: when you really get your mind set to not drink, tirzepatide and Semaglutide both eliminate a lot of the craving. They’re being studied now a a possible treatment aid for alcoholism.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/24 12:47 PM
3

Your weight loss goals are necessary for building back but your time frame is very… hopeful. If you want to do something that extreme without delving into the realm of stuff that could potentially jeopardize your career goals, see a doc for Mounjaro or get it on your own from a research chem company. Chemical name is tirzepatide. Do research first, please. No drug or supplements will overcome years of ingrained bad habits fueled by years of dysfunctional thinking. 100 pounds in 6 months is hones…
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/24 05:43 AM
1

👍
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/24 09:01 PM
2

Did you file or did she? Just curious. I think it would be worth examining your motivations. As in, go deeper than she’s the mother of your children and you still like her. What outcome would you most like occurring if you sent her an anonymous letter? What will this outcome accomplish, for her and for yourself? This kind of stuff is best done with a therapist of some kind. A good one who can ask the right questions and get the blinders off.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/24 07:38 PM
8

F that shit. Erect boundaries against her cold hearted, self centered ass. Look up gray rock. Cut her off and throw her away into the abyss. Move on and become amazing. My heart goes out to you and I’m sorry you are experiencing this my brother.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 12:12 PM
5

Heck no my brother. If you value yourself and your well being, please do NOT.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 07:44 PM
6

They’re all not like that. It’s in them all though. Just like we have potential for some very dark behavior we likely don’t entertain. Human nature is the full potential for all sin and evil. When they surround themselves with modernist whores, the bad brings them down. The good in them rarely withstands and fails to bring anyone up. Look into codependency and heal from whatever you’ve got before entering another relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 10:14 PM
24

Love you but not in love with you is universal womanese for: I have someone else dicking me down or plan to be dicked down by. I’m so sorry. It sucks. Stay strong, you are worthy of love brother.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 09:11 PM
10

Hell yes. It was a funny inside joke between us…until my ex became her.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/24 07:29 PM
2

You deserve love because in the end, you chose to be better and want to heal and restore what was dissolving. What did she choose? Self, lust and more self? Me, me, me! Even when you make less than stellar choices, you don’t necessarily destroy your worthiness of love. Everyone deserves love. What modernity has confused love with is “am I worth fucking.” That is “sexual desirability and or monetary or societal value in some way at that can benefit me.” If you don’t have it, you aren’t “worth” ge…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/24 01:03 PM
1

Thom Yorke- Suspirium Cry it out, get past the depressing shit and move on to some: Daft Punk- Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/24 09:45 PM
3

Hell yeah.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/24 01:01 PM
1

I’m a believer. I think the idea that “everything happens for a reason” and “everything happens for the best” is a modern, self-centric cope. It’s pie in the sky delusion and not reflected in the scripture. If you want a dose of realism, read Ecclesiastes. Dig into it and understand who wrote it and when he made these observations. It is the observations of a very wise man at the end of his days, after he’s experienced every extent of life and the full gamut of pleasure, love, joy, anguish, regr…
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/24 02:31 PM
5

Whoa dude. That is very intense and a completely unnecessary level of disrespect for OP. You are being a condescending jerk. Not helpful.
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/24 01:03 PM
7

I feel like you could be writing about me. My man, this is exactly what happened to me, to a T. The wife’s therapist actively fueling the dissolution, the delusional rewriting and entirety of blame being placed on me, a dumbfounded guy who was unaware his wife died somewhere along the way and became a stranger. It’s the whole nine yards right there and I feel your anguish. All I can say is get off Instagram and TikTok. Those are utter poison for your mental health. Have some time to grieve the d…
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 12:07 AM
3

If only it were that easy. After the mess I went through, getting out and not being consumed with self hatred and depression is an exercise that requires intensive therapy. I’m a good looking dude who actually gets attention from ladies. Getting past the damage and moving on into IDGAF realm is a whole nother ball game.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/24 05:02 AM
3

👍 I’ve never used dating apps so I’m not well versed on why this is so egregious and reprehensible. It’s creepy, not good for him mentally and dishonest, but that’s all I register towards it. I just don’t understand, maybe because I dont use dating apps or social media, by choice. I’m behind the times on how things are perceived. Btw, I apologize for suggesting you could be a woman (not that there’s anything wrong with that, other than it’s a men’s sub) Should have checked before typing. Have a …
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 04:41 PM
4

I don’t support him doing this, but I get his desire to at the point he’s at. It is unhealthy, no question … but morally wrong? Maybe, but it was more like recon or snooping. I get the curiosity behind it at the early stage he’s at in the separation. If a woman did this to a man who initiated divorce, just to find out what he was up to, I do not see there being a huge backlash against it from other women. It is not a good thing, but I don’t get how it’s any different than someone hiring a PI to …
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 04:16 PM
3

Thank you for this 😂. I needed to laugh and you delivered. 👏
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 04:07 PM
3

Well, certain kinds of men. There’s plenty of safety for men who have subjugated their manhood and offered up their testes as tribute to the hive mind.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 02:24 PM
3

I was flagged for racist hate speech on another sub because I mentioned a… hell, I’m hesitant to type it. A hat like Davy Crockett and Daniel Boone wore. The literal only name I’ve heard hats like that called. There was nothing race related in the effing thread.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 02:22 PM
3

User name does not check out. I get a very womanly vibe radiating off your responses to OP.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 12:07 PM
2

Yep, I think it can get to that point. Especially if one partner starts detaching in silence and keeps the other unaware. A lot of the time emotional or physical adultery happens along the way or is the cause of her detachment. This is why so many men are left confused and devastated when the wife drops the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” bomb.
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/24 02:00 PM
5

Yeah, it is not surprising if you think about what kind of people might decide to be a mod on Reddit. It isn’t across the board, as I’m sure there are some good ones. Reddit leans heavy into group think and getting moral superiority feelz from going along with whatever stances the demographic they associate themselves with is taking. It invites a lot of black and white thinking and discourages any nuance or discussion. Dissension from their group’s agreed upon, morally righteous and correct stan…
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/24 03:04 PM
13

I communicate via text and only in relation to the kids and stuff related to them. I’m in agreement with the other poster, I don’t want to hear her voice. I have to see her during drop offs and do not go along with the fake friendliness, everyone’s good and we can be buddies charade she attempted to start at the beginning. Early on she tried to feign concern and text me about things like my dad being in the hospital, etc. I have boundaries and will not betray my own feelings and go along with he…
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/24 01:38 PM
8

I don’t get that mindset and it is so common with women. They really do not like accepting blame or wrong. If one spouse is trying and wants the marriage, kept unaware of it and led to believe the wife is doing similar… yeah, that’s adultery. No matter what they decide in their own head. Mine was similar. It was during a separation period suggested by a pastor to “restore the marriage.” Lol, he was a moron and I was wrong to not listen to my gut.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/24 01:21 AM
5

Does it matter? Does anything she thinks of you even matter in any way whatsoever now? She tossed you. You’ll set a boundary and respect yourself for not betraying your feelings for her benefit. Her response is her problem, not yours.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 10:44 PM
4

I deleted all but a few from early on and ones from when my daughters were little. It was cathartic.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 10:40 PM
4

It’s a mechanism to kill any guilt or shame from their selfish choices. It helps them feel like everyone’s happy now, see I was right to burn down the marriage and throw you out like trash! They don’t care how it affected you, they only care about the narrative they want and their feelz. Fun experiment: Tell her you are still hurting from her choices and this friendly happy thing she does makes you feels like you’re being forced to participate in a lie. Wait and see how little she cares about yo…
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 10:39 PM
5

Not weird. I have the same arrangement. There’s nothing to discuss beyond kids and pickup times.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 10:32 PM
5

Eww. I could not do a hug. I’d politely state that hugging is gone now, please respect my choice.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 10:31 PM
4

Oh man, I cannot begin to tell you how much I look forward to complete and utter apathy. I’m gradually moving past the anger. Some days it comes back and I feel like a failure for continuing to have emotions about someone that deserves none. I sometimes envy how she went completely heartless and dead towards me.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 10:24 PM
19

I don’t think a confession is likely. Based on my experience and those of men I know, the wives often contort their adultery into being the husband’s fault anyway. Mine never admitted even though I found out. I calmly came home one day and said, you’re an adulterer. This separation for reconciliation was a lie. She then had a screaming, throwing stuff tantrum. If you really loved me, you would want me to be happy! Say what? She has never admitted a thing. She has repeatedly stated I WILL NOT BE …
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 09:38 PM
13

Don’t move out is good advice. It sets precedent to lose your home. If I could go back and do it over, I’d have cut contact with her when the “separation for reconciliation” started. I went the opposite direction and became a clingy, codependent mess, making things much worse. Seeing marriage counselors alone is rarely good. One spouse discussing marital woes with a counselor or therapist can quickly turn into building a warped narrative for both themself and onlookers. Without the other spouse …
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/24 01:41 PM
3

I just turned 40 and feel pretty similar to this. Getting attention from mid 20’s girls and not giving a f… yep. Looking for stuff to do non solo is super hit or miss. Only my single friends do stuff regularly and go out. Most are 10-15 years younger than me. Friends my age are either married or divorced. The divorced guys are either a bummer or a danger to my well being because of the booze and drugs. The married ones never go out. I don’t have an answer but I’ll be reading responses because I’…
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/24 05:49 AM
1

Yeah, I’m aware. Felt bad for his kid when i read the post. Hope he can somehow figure his stuff out.
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/24 05:31 AM
5

You need to figure out what it is inside you that is drawn to women like this and keeps you in their sphere of influence. Trauma and issues attract people to other broken people with issues that feel safe and balance out their own. The women are a symptom of the problem. The only thing you can control is your own issue. The real solution lies in whatever unhealed trauma you have. You need to dig into that and heal so you can love yourself first and value yourself enough to realize that if someon…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/24 01:25 AM
23

She sounds like a real peach lol. Good point though. Men should learn to detach the way women do. Just turn them into a villain! The process goes like this: 1) Focus only on the bad things your partner does. Only notice the parts you really don’t like and amplify them until you are convinced they are dangerous and probably have some undiagnosed, vague “issues.” Doesn’t matter which one, TikTok has a dozen interchangeable templates you can use. 2) See any good in them as a fluke, heavily outweigh…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 04:36 PM
9

Brother, I’m in the same boat. In my everyday existence I am finally seeing her as irrelevant and basically a non-entity. I wake up several times a month to dreams of the woman she used to be and it sets back any progress and healing and the anger and resentment comes back. They are gone. The women they were died, as did who we were when the relationship was alive. We’re dreaming of ghosts, both of ourselves and them. I wish I had an answer for you, but I don’t. I’m resolved to keep moving ahead…
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/24 08:06 PM
4

“Always” and “never”… two terms that get bandied about by a certain type of person. I became a lot more aware of this behavior during my divorce. It’s “toxic” behavior. (Pardon my semi ironic use of Instagram pop psychology lingo)
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/24 11:18 PM
8

The woman dishes it but can’t fathom the idea that they are actually emotional abusers?! Gasp! If the husband expresses needs, disagreement or calls them out, they are then called emotional abusers. It makes you feel like you’re taking crazy pills.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/24 10:49 PM
1

There are so many inaccurately used Instagram popular psychobabble keywords in this post I want to freaking puke. Boundaries, gaslighting, toxic. Just wait for invalidation of her feelings to be thrown in and then any form of disagreement to be labeled “emotional abuse.” Good luck man. This sounds horrible. Focus on yourself and the kids.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/23 11:59 PM
10

You’re a plan B. She has emotionally tossed you aside and is building a case for her own mind that “she tried” while still engaging in emotional and likely physical adultery. This is a facade for herself and onlookers to belay the fact that she tossed you aside like trash to put out feelers for something she deemed better. Value yourself and don’t be a chump. The woman you loved has died. Fault for that is pointless, but know, at this point she’s a stranger to you. Unless she can say, I WAS WRON…
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/23 03:28 AM
2

When you wake up tomorrow and your brain is deadened to joy… it’s ok. It’s ok you grieved and the sadness and despair is necessary to feel in order to move on. You are worthy of love. Don’t let anyone define who you are but you. Figure out your standards of morality and live up to them. Grieve for a while, but never let yourself down.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 04:41 AM
4

It’s a crap situation. Pray about it and ask for God’s guidance, and above all ask for His will to be done. Not yours, not hers and not definitely what Reddit says.
/r/RPChristians19/12/23 06:59 PM
5

If you do manage to salvage it (I don’t recommend this) you will still feel resentment from the horrible wound she inflicted by betraying you physically with some dude. Respect yourself enough to realize that is not an acceptable offense and you deserve better. She blamed you for her decision to put another man’s dick in her mouth. You can look forward to more fault finding and blame anytime she’s dissatisfied with life and anytime she sins or messes up. That kind of behavior isn’t easily remedi…
/r/RPChristians19/12/23 06:09 PM
3

This is my first Christmas after the finalization. My shift at the fire station falls on Christmas this year, so I’ll be with my crew. That eases the sting a bit. My daughters will be at their mothers. I’ll have them the 2 days before the holiday, so we’ll do out Christmas then. When the Christmas finally rolls around where they’re not with me and I’m by myself, that will be hard. Before the separation and divorce, this was always my favorite holiday season. Now, all the things I used to love an…
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/23 04:29 AM
21

That’s the dad and husband in you coming out. She gave that man up when she made her choice to betray you. You only need to love your kids and take care of them. If things are hard for her, tough shit. I deal with similar stuff when my kids are involved, as in sickness or whatever. It’s up to her. If you were anywhere and had a problem or were taking care of your kids and it got tough or something happened, would you call her for help? Hopefully not, because you’d figure it out and deal with it.…
/r/Divorce_Men19/12/23 02:45 AM
3

💪🏼Hang in there.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/23 05:58 AM
5

I think it happens when conversations or arguments between posters go off topic of men and divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/23 12:51 AM
0

You have no clue who I have in my life and circles lol. I have longtime friends and people I see regularly who are gay, bi and lesbian. I have known people who dabbled. I do not have any trans friends or acquaintances. Well I do have a buddy from college who is gay and he did a drag show, but it was a one time thing. If we’re making requests, please refrain from making statements about me and my experience based off of your dislike of something I wrote on Reddit. Not everyone fits into a neat li…
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/23 05:03 PM
0

I made observations from people in my own life. It’s not a blanket statement about every gay person I know. It’s not even about gay people or people just dabbling in LGBTQ. I was speaking more about societal trends and agendas. For instance, there is an Elf Cosmetics ad that keeps popping into my Reddit feed with a bearded mouth wearing cherry red lipstick. This kind of imagery is a relatively recent phenomenon. If you think it’s great, cool! I don’t mind, nor feel the need to say you have a “ba…
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/23 04:38 PM
7

Excellent reply. Everyone exists in a state of flux, responding to their experience the best they can in order to keep existing. This is true for both men and women. It’s also true for…ex-wives, as right or wrong as they may be in whatever choices they made. The lens we see the world through will not be the same one we view the world a year from now and our responses will not be the same if we choose to heal and grow. I agree that divorced men go through this anger phase in the healing process. …
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/23 01:26 PM
1

Neato. I despise Fox News, along with every other mega corp media outlet. They’re all different flavors of propaganda distributed by the same mega corp.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/23 12:44 PM
0

Amen. Wise move.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/23 05:54 AM
3

Tell him. Be brave, discretely inform, then peace out. Throw the Molotov and step back. The guy should know.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/23 05:26 AM
5

This turned my stomach. It’s up to him to be a better man and get fixed! She proceeds to get relentlessly dicked down like a dog in heat and has no self awareness, guilt or shame about this cruelty. I’d find her husband and let a brother know, dude don’t believe her shit. You aren’t the problem. Prepare accordingly and toss her like the trash she is.
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/23 05:08 AM
1

What the hell. I’ll bite. Reddit is going to absolutely love this 😂 I don’t hate homosexuals. Live your life. People deserve respect and to be treated with love and fairness, no matter who they are. I hate how homosexuality has been monetized, weaponized and warped into a tool for societal programming. The folks behind this shift are not benevolent beings who long for equality and fairness. They have ulterior motives and the well-being of the unwashed masses are not on their agenda. I hate the o…
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/23 04:45 AM
21

Women create a narrative to belay and shunt off this guilt. They build a story in their own mind over time and act it out for onlookers. They blame you, even though they are the one who wants divorce. Society generally blames the man, even when the man wants the marriage to work out. They are seen as not good enough or defective. If the man was worth a count, she’d have stayed! Bullshit. Don’t believe her rewrite of who you are. You are worthy of love. Your love matters. You are a loving father …
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/23 01:50 PM
1

Everyone’s experience is different, but I see similarities among this specific separation situation amongst men on here and my own experience. The women ask for separation and often bill it as a chance for positive change or for the men to “do better.” 99% of the time she has already decided to divorce. This is a tactic to soothe herself from the guilt of burning down a marriage with a man who loves her and wants to resolve things. It allows them to be seen by friends and family as the beleaguer…
/r/Divorce_Men16/12/23 01:41 PM
2

This is the way.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/23 11:05 PM
6

Holy crap. That is rough. I still wonder about my golden retriever and how she’s doing at the ex’s place. She’s very protective of my daughters and not friendly with strangers. The girls said even though she’s contained with a radio fence, they had package delivery issues lol. I wonder if she’d remember me now after she spent 6 years of her life being cared for and petted by me. I got the three legged cat and her fat brother. The tripod cat was injured under my ex’s care and she refused to pay f…
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/23 12:01 AM
1

Mistakes I didn’t make? If I understand correctly, one mistake I didn’t make was pursuing a relationship with a former girlfriend. We were actually each other’s first kiss and even today, she’s very attractive. She gives me the tingles. Got back in touch, she was very receptive, I felt an incredible connection and my neurons went gaga. I initially ignored the fact that I knew she had some emotional issues and that we were likely going to end badly. I eventually got ahold of myself and realized t…
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/23 08:19 PM
7

I think grieving takes longer than we initially realize. That’s very soon. In my experience, dating early on is a form of self medication to address wounds that won’t actually be processed and healed for a much longer time. Based off my experience I think it’s a mistake but I don’t know your situation. I started trying right after mine was signed and quickly realized it was a mistake. I wasn’t thinking clearly enough to assess whether a woman giving me attention was actually a good fit. I was pu…
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/23 12:40 AM
1

Maybe don’t post it on Reddit for security purposes? Delete this possibly? Not commenting on the morality, because I know nothing about your situation.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/23 08:09 PM
1

I felt empty. Scarred. Alone. Unwanted. Unloved. Betrayed. Frustrated. Still feel these things in rotation from time to time.
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/23 11:00 PM
2

Yes, this was my experience. My wife got involved in a women’s group at the church we went to led by a divorced woman. Several women in the group initiated divorces. My wife openly told me that it was in this group that she began fantasizing about divorce. She also had several friends going through divorces they initiated and single mother’s whose lifestyle she envied. She became a different person at the end and I grieve the loss of the woman I married. This experience broke me. I feel like I m…
/r/Divorce_Men09/12/23 09:10 PM
3

Yeah, I do. I hate that I wonder, but it crosses my mind on occasion. Mainly because I hate myself for still thinking of her sometimes. I want to be coldly indifferent. I am at the hate stage, but I want to progress to the cold, idgaf if you’re alive or dead, I honestly never think of you and you are NOTHING to me point. I want to feel nothing towards her. I hate her.
/r/Divorce_Men07/12/23 02:12 AM
2

I deleted all sexual stuff. It was harder than I expected. I asked myself one day, would you even be ok with yourself if you fucked her again? The answer was absolutely not. Part of me was holding onto some vague idea of her as long as I had those special pics and vid’s she’d sent. It was like my subconscious finally let go of any notion of her as an option, long after I had decided good riddance. The brain and heart are often at odds during traumatic times of loss. I kept a few normal pictures …
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/23 05:46 PM
2

Delete. It was hard for me but very freeing.
/r/Divorce_Men05/12/23 04:42 PM
35

Nah, he’s just a better, more together guy. He is on a different level than the guys on this sub who have actual PTSD from being blindsided, cheated on and accused of abuse, rape, child abuse, neglect, etc. Did you get your cookie and sticker for being such an admirable and unfazed divorced man? I hear they are handing out oatmeal raisin now. The truly superior divorced men got all the chocolate chip and macadamias already.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/23 06:29 PM
1

Holy shit. The boundaries thing. I’m almost positive the book on “boundaries” was the same one my wife was gifted by a divorcee. Real, necessary things are subverted and weaponized into straight up self serving sinfulness. Take this how you will, but women in leadership roles within a church, especially divorced women… it leads to destruction. Emotions take priority above reality. None of these divorced women cheerleaders ever asked about my situation or even fucking spoke to me at all. I was tr…
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/23 05:49 PM
1

This whole conversation turned toxic af lol. Wife initiated divorce is freaking trauma for men. I’m sad for every man here who was damaged by a divorce. Before some woman who initiated their marital destruction hops on and chimes in about “muh damaged feelz during the marriage…” emotionally sneaking out, detaching and then blindsiding some poor guy who is willing and 100% wanting to salvage the relationship… fuck you.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/23 05:25 PM
2

This hits home hard. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I heard “my feelings are valid” or “all feelings are valid.” She got started on this from a church group, led by…. A DIVORCED WOMAN. One day (after she had said she wants a divorce) I said, if all feelings are valid, when you went on this all divorcee beach trip and left me with the kids to clean the house so we can sell it, I felt hurt and disrespected. She flipped her ever loving shit. It’s only their feelings that are valid. The hu…
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/23 03:55 PM
9

I don’t have any advice, only that I feel you on this. I hate it! It’s straight up traumatizing to wake up from a dream of my ex wife. It throws off my whole day and seems to routinely kill any progress I’ve made on my journey to complete indifference to her. I want to move past the alternating between hate or vague, sad nostalgic reminiscence, all of it.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/23 05:02 PM
1

Go to a different church then.
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/23 02:54 PM
2

Truth.
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/23 02:53 PM
1

Agree. Mine was basically coached through the “separation towards reconciliation” on how to divorce by her ladies group leader at the church we attended. No one even spoke to me or asked how I was doing, yet all the women flocked to her and treated her like she was a poor victim. Men are shunned and seen as a failure during a divorce, even if the woman is at fault and openly trying to live her 20’s all over again. It’s common belief that if the man was worth a crap, his family would be intact an…
/r/Divorce_Men30/11/23 02:45 PM
3

This made me cry.
/r/Divorce_Men28/11/23 02:16 AM
1

I have many of the same thoughts and fears as OP. He just seemed hesitant to use the terms. This is Reddit, I get the hesitance.
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/23 02:58 PM
0

Monkeybranching? Misanthropy? Are these the boogeyman terms?
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/23 01:21 AM
3

No. DO NOT. Just fucking no dude. Respect yourself. Love yourself. Don’t allow the closest person you loved, who in the the end considered you trash to toss by the road, to come crawling back and try to rewrite what happened. You need to kill any part of your soul that is alive to her. She did this to you already, and the grass was not greener like she thought. Fuck that. You aren’t the plan B, backup, my fantasy escape plan turned to shit, he’ll take my wretched betraying ass back guy. Be bette…
/r/Divorce_Men27/11/23 01:07 AM
28

There isn’t anything wrong with this feeling. My guess is you’re early in the healing process. It’s ok to feel this way right now, don’t listen to the arrogant prick who tried to shame you. The anger will subside with time.
/r/Divorce_Men23/11/23 12:41 AM
1

Exact situation I’m in. I used to love everything about the holidays… the lights, music, warmth of the seasonal accoutrement contrasted with the bleak, chilly weather. Now it all feels so dark and the things I used to love just amplify the pain. I don’t have any answers, only that I get it.
/r/Divorce_Men22/11/23 03:45 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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