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Mister_Vandemar Archive

View 1 posts and 81 comments by Mister_Vandemar on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
71

Mister_Vandemar/r/Divorce_Men30/03/24 12:40 AM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
6

You focus on what you can control, and that means working to ensure that you have a healthy, loving relationship with your kids. Are you already divorced? My divorce included some rules relating to any future partners. One that I recall was that the kids won’t call a future parent’s partner “mom” or “dad”. Even if you still have the opportunity to define boundaries in the divorce decree, it still comes down to focusing on what you can control. I’m anxious about some potential guy being in my kid…
/r/Divorce_Men30/06/26 09:57 PM
1

Common reasons for divorce? There are a million reasons why people get divorced. Some are arguably good reasons, boiling down to irreconcilable differences. Financial issues are high on the list. Misalignment of goals and priorities are pretty significant factors in relationship failure. As has been said by others, people change over time and being well-suited for marriage now isn’t any guarantee that things will be good a year from now much less 20-30 years from now. This isn’t intended to disc…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/26 08:59 PM
7

Nope.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/26 12:32 AM
2

I honestly don’t know what I could have done differently during the divorce process. Once she filed, while I was gutted, I accepted that the marriage was over. I left the fighting to my attorney and tried to avoid personal conflict. My divorce dragged on far longer than it needed to, and the legal expenses were accordingly excessive, but that was a consequence of my ex dragging it out. I explicitly directed my attorney to get the divorce done as quickly as possible, and I said the only thing I w…
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/26 04:39 PM
2

I had my attorney contact her attorney to address it.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/26 09:50 PM
7

I did not initiate, and I didn’t want to get divorced, but I’m happy and better off now that the divorce is finalized. I’m still trying to crawl out of the financial crater that the legal fees created, but just about every other aspect of my life has improved.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/26 09:15 PM
20

The house “she deserves” is the house she can afford.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/26 10:23 PM
11

My house is cleaner, I’m less stressed, and my expenses are lower.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 11:13 PM
10

She initiated the divorce. I didn’t want it. That said, I’m so glad that we’re done, and I only regret that the process was inefficient and unnecessarily expensive.
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/26 01:15 AM
3

The absence of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 02:17 AM
10

I think about my ex, and I still maintain an aspirational attitude of “loving my daughter’s mother”, but when I think of my ex I invariably think of the many, many, many reasons why I’m better off without her. I understand where you’re coming from. Resist the temptation. If not for your sake, do it for her; the relationship didn’t work. Don’t pick the scab.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 02:16 AM
2

Enjoy a chuckle on me- I proposed on a holiday and got married on a different holiday. I managed to taint two of my favorite days of the year!
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/26 09:51 PM
3

My condolences. Congratulations on turning the page and focusing on the rest of your life.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/26 09:46 PM
3

First, I’m sorry; it isn’t fair. Sounds like you made sacrifices for your family, and, specifically, for your kid. So now you are where you are. It’s not what you signed up for, but it is what it is. You’re starting at day one. You can make choices. You aren’t beholden to anyone. I wish you all the best. I hope that you can plot your own course.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 01:56 AM
5

My MIL immediately turned mean. My FIL acted like nothing had changed. It may be worth noting that my former MIL and FIL got divorced years before I married their daughter.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 10:45 PM
2

“Sweet?”
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 12:17 AM
15

As some others have said, this post is insightful because it seems to show the mundane reality behind why some relationships fail. It doesn’t have to involve betrayal, or abuse, or any substantive “problems at all; some relationships fail because one party just concludes that they don’t want to continue. As frustrating and upsetting as this may seem, I think she did him a favor. I’d hate to imagine an alternative scenario where she doesn’t like or respect her partner, but she sticks around an ei…
/r/Divorce_Men04/03/26 04:48 PM
3

Yup. My divorce took over a year and destroyed my financial security, but the thing that still upsets me is that we ended up exactly where my attorney told me we’d end up on custody, support, assets, but my ex dragged it out.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 07:09 PM
3

My attorney was pretty good, but my ex’s attorney was a pain. Beyond the inherently antagonistic dynamic, he made the process longer and thus more expensive in some irritating ways. We had a court appearance about daycare expenses and he proceeded to provide completely incorrect information about my ex’s work. He had all of her schedule and basic employment information wrong, which resulted in the judge ruling that the daycare expenses weren’t justified. While that sounds great, in practice, it …
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 04:49 PM
5

I didn’t make note of it beyond acknowledging a moment of relief that the whole process was finally over. I didn’t want to get divorced, but I think I’m better off.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/26 11:24 PM
3

None that surprised me, and none that I miss. My divorce became rather acrimonious, though I tried to keep things respectful and pragmatic. I explicitly told my family and close friends that their relationship with my ex is theirs and that I hoped the divorce wouldn’t factor into it. My ex decided to burn bridges, so she lost several close friends.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/26 08:22 PM
8

Yes. She left with our child and then issued a complex ultimatum that, essentially, boiled down to agreeing to buying her dream house (that we couldn’t afford) and giving her complete control over our savings (she wasn’t working and didn’t intend to work, so she wanted control of my premarital accounts). I agreed. Unconditional surrender. I told her I would do whatever she required, but I said that I felt that she had a gun to my head. She didn’t like that, so she filed. I don’t know what your s…
/r/Divorce_Men17/12/25 07:54 PM
-2

I hate to say it, but “cheaper to keep her”.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/25 09:04 PM
2

Discuss this with your attorney. My ex did several things during the course of the divorce that violated state laws, and my attorney basically said that I should let it go. Letters were sent to her attorney telling her to knock it off, and that was as far as it went.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/25 08:13 PM
3

Look, I understand and appreciate what you’re saying, and you don’t need anyone’s permission to tell you that you are within your rights to decide that this isn’t the right relationship for you. That said, it seems like you recognize that you’re the asshole here. You’re young, and that’s great. You married young, and that’s great. Here’s the thing, and I don’t mean this to sound dark- you’re getting older. You’re going to be old for most of your life. Ultimately, I think the question is less abo…
/r/Divorce_Men12/12/25 01:08 AM
6

Ultimately, I think therapy didn’t work in my case because my ex was unwilling to reevaluate any perspective that she had. If the therapist validated something I said, my ex believed the therapist was wrong. If the therapist validated something my ex said, the therapist was right. Therapy isn’t magic. It can’t work if you disregard the parts that might require change.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/25 12:45 PM
2

It gets better. It’s going to suck for a while, and you have my sympathies, but it will get better.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/25 09:50 PM
1

My daughter, 4yo, sometimes displays amazing feats of imagination and recall. It’s genuinely amazing how she can recall and incorporate the plots of various movies or shows into her play. I’d probably keep my eyes and ears open, see how the behavior/play develops, and otherwise try to relax. Absolutely the right mindset to be paying attention and ready to deal with a problem, just don’t discount the possibility that your kid is playing.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/25 11:50 PM
1

How old is your daughter?
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/25 11:31 PM
3

I would not. I know that I could, but I’m already thinking about how my kid will be graduating from high school when I’m 60. I don’t judge anyone who feels differently, but I had my window and I have a great kid. I’m done unless something unexpected happens.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 12:05 AM
5

You have my sympathies. Being done with it is worth a lot, though it’s painful. As you said, you can move on and recover, though that doesn’t diminish the difficulty. Good luck and congratulations on getting it done.
/r/Divorce_Men14/06/25 03:08 PM
8

Where do you live? Laws vary on surreptitious recording, but you may want to discuss this with your attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 03:14 AM
4

Yup. My ex decided that she wanted another baby after filing for divorce. I politely declined her invitations.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 12:11 AM
8

I do not have a good relationship with my ex at the moment, but I make sure our daughter has a gift and a card to give to her mother. I also say happy birthday, or send her a text. If we didn’t have a child together, I’d have cut all contact, but since we are always going to be coparenting, I make an effort to be “nice”.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/25 01:48 PM
17

I loved my wife and I loved the life we had, but I am glad it’s over and I hope I never find another person like her. I think it’s healthy to be able to look back with fondness and appreciation for the good times, and to be able to recognize the positive qualities in your ex. That said, I also think it’s important that you recognize the bad stuff. Relationships are hard and everyone is a mix of positive and negative qualities. I hope that you find the right person someday. In the meantime, it so…
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/25 01:28 AM
14

Nope! She contacted me recently to ask me to remarry her because she’s overwhelmed by how difficult it is to work, pay bills, and maintain a home.
/r/Divorce_Men07/01/25 09:52 PM
2

Yeah, I hear you. In my experience, stuff like the insurance factors in to support, so it hopefully offsets what you might otherwise have to pay her. My ex immediately took me off the cell phone plan, but I had to keep paying for her auto and health insurance until the divorce was finalized. I’m not an attorney, so I don’t know what I’m talking about, but I’d think you could cancel her cell plan. Best of luck. Sorry you’re going through this.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 06:26 PM
7

Generally speaking, you can’t unilaterally cancel insurance when someone else has a financial interest in the insured property. If the car is in both of your names, you probably don’t want the liability of her driving without insurance since her liabilities are still your liabilities. I recommend that you consult with an attorney if you haven’t already done so.
/r/Divorce_Men13/12/24 01:49 PM
4

I’m sorry. It sucks. I expect that you’re having some dark thoughts right now, but I hope that you can take a moment to breathe. Seriously, you’re experiencing something terrible, but you need to get through the next hour, and the next day, and the next week. You can endure this. Your life may be changing in ways that you never expected, but you can get through this. Your kids need you to get through this, and you will. As time passes, it will get easier. You’ll have bad days, but you can get th…
/r/Divorce_Men02/12/24 01:37 AM
1

Yes.
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 11:32 PM
3

Third time’s the charm! Best of luck! Any lessons learned that you care to share, either about marriage or divorce?
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 11:01 PM
3

Didn’t go to trial, but it took about 18 months and was contentious. My total cost for legal representation was probably about $60k. That’s probably a little low, but close.
/r/Divorce_Men26/11/24 11:00 PM
1

The engagement ring is a gift. More specifically, it’s a premarital asset that she owns. I’m just glad it wasn’t a family heirloom. Costco has a great return policy, so maybe she’ll look into that.
/r/Divorce_Men24/11/24 11:31 PM
5

I’m sorry. I think the only thing that would be worse would be failing to do it. Divorce sucks. None of us expected to be in this situation. This is a great group, and it was a great source of information and support for me. I wish you all the best.
/r/Divorce_Men15/11/24 11:04 PM
2

I’m in Illinois- I can’t keep my ex on my insurance as she no longer qualifies. I asked to keep our child on my insurance as my ex has inconsistent employment. In my limited experience, it seems that the court considered our respective incomes and the expenses related to caring for our child and then determined support from there. You should talk to an attorney, but I’d expect that, if you provide the health insurance or otherwise pay for it, that should offset any additional support you might o…
/r/Divorce_Men04/11/24 07:33 PM
3

Honestly, I may just be a poor judge of character. I knew my ex since we were in our teens. We weren’t close, but she was my younger sister’s best friend for 20 years. My parents knew and loved her. After we started dating, we seemed to be aligned in our goals and values. Got married and had a child, and she changed. I assumed it was a combination of postpartum stuff, a lot of life change in a short period of time, and perhaps some variety of midlife crisis, but I was still blindsided when she f…
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/24 03:13 PM
1

My divorce took about 15 months and was finalized a few months ago. It will be years before I pay off the debt accrued during the divorce, and I’ll be paying child support for a long time, but I think I turned the corner shortly before finalizing. I’m not dating and don’t plan to date for the time being, but my ex has shown me that she’s not the person I thought she was, and she’s not someone that I’d want to spend my life with. I expect that I’ll be feeling better once my financial situation is…
/r/Divorce_Men26/10/24 10:02 PM
1

Thanks for posting. Divorce is ugly and complicated.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 02:13 AM
4

I told my attorney that I was willing to compromise on anything except for my parental rights. Talk to your attorney. Ask all of your questions. Ask about your state’s laws as they relate to support and what the process involves if your ex decides to work in the future. In my case, my ex assumed that she’d essentially get to live off of my income, but with 50/50 custody and short tenure of our marriage, she quickly realized that divorce means she has to work at least part time and she’s going to…
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 11:38 PM
5

I’m in Illinois, but my wife arbitrarily decided to quit her job a few months before she filed for divorce. She has a degree and is employable, but didn’t want to work. My attorney had some success using imputed income to figure out the support calculations, but I still got screwed on the basis that her imputed income was very low despite years of tax records showing she made as much or more than me over the previous decade. It’s rough.
/r/Divorce_Men10/10/24 10:36 PM
3

How to prepare: first, start looking for an attorney. I’ve heard people say to do a consultation with all of the “good” attorneys to ensure that you find the best and block her with conflict of interest, but I don’t know how feasible that is. Second, but perhaps most important, think about what you’re hoping to accomplish beyond finalizing the divorce. Do you have kids? What are you hoping for regarding custody? That’s an entire thing in and of itself. Ultimately, if the relationship is done and…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 12:57 AM
4

Any account you establish will be discoverable and will be considered a marital asset. Yes, it’s going to be a shitshow. You should immediately start talking to attorneys. Good luck. It’s not an easy process. A good attorney is a great first step. Beyond that, be smart, be healthy, stay off of social media, and know that this can be a very good community for information and support. Best wishes to you.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 12:49 AM
6

My divorce was finalized a couple of months ago. I expect that it will take years to undo the financial damage, and I intend to start therapy to help work through the emotional impact, but it’s better to be on the other side of the divorce. My daughter is doing great, and my stress and anxiety are massively reduced now that it’s over.
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 02:11 PM
18

Ultimately, I was motivated to finalize the divorce when I concluded that it was in the best interest of our child. I didn’t initiate the divorce, but I was respectful and accepting when she told me she filed. Over the course of the year that followed, my now-ex was frequently cruel, and constantly entitled. When we were finally approaching the finish line, she told me that she’d made a mistake and didn’t want to get divorced. When I asked her to explain why she changed her mind, she said that h…
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/24 02:08 PM
2

I think my total for legal fees came to about 60k. Took about 17 months, I think. I’m horrified by the fact the you don’t have a temporary order in place yet. I didn’t end up with a GAL, but my attorney and the mediator both said that it would vastly increase expenses. Good luck. Divorce sucks, but it will eventually be behind you.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/24 01:11 AM
6

There’s no realistic alternative if she wants a divorce. Better to be done and focus on your kids and yourself. I’m sorry. It sucks. You can try couples counseling, but consider focusing on the goal of how to transition to being good coparents. Best of luck. Life after divorce is different, and can be hard, but it can and should also be a new start.
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/24 12:25 AM
4

For me, marriage was “worth it” as was the divorce. I have a wonderful daughter, and, despite the divorce being one of the worst experiences of my life, I can’t say that I’d have done anything different since my daughter is consistently the best thing about my life. That said, I don’t think I’d ever get married again, and I’d want a prenup, at minimum, before even considering it.
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/24 09:25 PM
11

This is a great group. I appreciate you all for sharing your experiences. It was an important resource for me, and that’s why I’m sticking around now that my divorce is finally settled. Hopefully I can continue to contribute and support anyone who is still struggling. Hang in there. It’s awful, but you can get through it.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/24 01:47 AM
3

I went on meds for anxiety and panic attacks. Now that the divorce is finally over, I’m doing much better.
/r/Divorce_Men28/07/24 02:22 PM
18

“When you’re going through hell, keep going.”
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/24 02:15 AM
4

I’ve also noticed that disagreeing with my ex was “gaslighting”. I can remember when “gaslighting” meant insidious manipulation with an aim to make the victim doubt their sanity.
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/24 02:24 AM
8

It isn’t the trauma, it’s just that I feel like it would be touching the stove even though I know what will happen.
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 01:26 AM
9

Yes? My marriage wasn’t pleasant, but I’d do it all again for my kid.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/24 02:20 AM
3

Good luck.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/24 12:53 AM
5

Sorry you’re going through this. I’m boring and not an exciting prospect for a friend, but if you’re up for lackluster conversation, let the games begin.
/r/Divorce_Men28/05/24 11:16 PM
3

My wife left and used my credit cards until I realized and froze them. My cards, not joint accounts. My attorney said it was arguably credit card fraud, but it was impractical to do anything about it.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/24 01:08 AM
5

While this won’t be helpful for many, I remind myself that she’s my daughter’s mother. It’s easier for me to focus on forgiving my daughter’s mother.
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/24 08:50 PM
6

I have no inclination towards finding another relationship. If it happens, it happens, but I certainly don’t want to get married again.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/24 04:57 PM
11

I’m sorry. It will be okay. She’s not throwing you away, she’s quitting the relationship. It doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. It doesn’t even mean that you’re a bad husband. It just means that she isn’t the partner that you wish she was. It’s hard, and it isn’t going to get easier anytime soon. Listen to (some) of the advice you’ll hear and focus on taking care of your physical and mental health. Consider counseling for yourself. Either stop drinking or at the very least avoid drinking to …
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/24 11:05 PM
3

My BIL was rather direct in telling me that he was picking his sibling. I acknowledged his decision and said that I didn’t think he had to take a side, but that I feel no antagonism and that I wish him well. The rest of the family simply stopped communicating with me, which is fine. It’s a bummer, since I was on good terms with everyone, but I don’t blame anyone for keeping it simple. I respect and appreciate that none of them have been overtly unpleasant.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/24 12:25 AM
2

I proposed this. I suggested that counseling would be worthwhile even if only to help us learn to navigate coparenting, and I suggested that we both get individual counseling, as well. And I said that we could finalize the divorce to get back to a blank slate and see if there was a chance to reconcile and potentially even get married again. She rejected all of it and said that I’m being manipulative, that she doesn’t believe that I’d ever remarry her, and that, if I did, that I’d insist on “a bu…
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/24 08:19 PM
8

No cheating by either of us. No substance abuse, no physical altercations, no meaningful issues in my opinion. I would never have considered divorce. She just changed after our daughter was born. I thought it might be postpartum issues, but even if that was a contributing factor, it doesn’t explain everything. She claims that I was “financially abusive”, apparently because I told her that we couldn’t immediately buy a bigger house. She now says that she filed divorce to force me to see that she …
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/24 08:15 PM
8

Yes, if she withdrew her petition, it would invalidate the temporary orders relating to child support and parenting time. For that reason, I took my attorney’s advice and filed my own petition several months ago.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/24 07:44 PM
6

She said that she wanted to leave the “bad parts” of the relationship, but she has realized that she’s also leaving the positive aspects. She has also specifically said that she is more aware of the financial considerations, like needing to get her own health insurance, realizing that I won’t be paying enough for her to allow her to stop working, etc. I’m not trying to make her sound worse than she is; she’s a lovely person in many ways, but she seems to have thought marriage (and divorce) would…
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/24 01:49 AM
13

I appreciate you all so much. Thank you for the feedback and support.
/r/Divorce_Men30/03/24 01:26 AM
5

WTF? A divorce is supposed to cost less than $10k?!
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/24 12:04 AM
3

Still in the midst of the divorce, though hoping that I’m in the home stretch- ~$60k in legal fees, and I’m assuming I’ll end up about $120k down by the end. Married for about 3 years.
/r/Divorce_Men24/03/24 10:24 PM
2

Whether you can forgive her or not, you deserve to free yourself from the burden of her actions. I understand and empathize with you. You get to feel how you feel. If you had a choice, I believe that you’d be better off “forgiving” her, but I think you get to decide what “forgiveness” means. Maybe it just means finding a way, in time, to let it all go so that you can move forward without the weight of her actions on your mind. I’m not about to tell you how to feel or what to do. I trust that you…
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/23 12:24 AM
8

I don’t mean to diminish your feelings or to infer any disrespect. That said, I think you need to suck it up and get over it. Your accomplishments aren’t diminished by hers. You worked hard to help her achieve what she has, so you should feel proud of that. Live your life. If you feel passionate and motivated to do something, do something. But don’t do it because of someone else. You’re still “someone”. You’re still as talented as before. Whether you apply that talent to a new project or not, th…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/23 07:24 PM
13

I’m in the camp that does not currently expect to remarry, but, in the spirit of the question, I’d look for someone who would be comfortable with a prenup.
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/23 04:30 PM
13

She would accuse me of using “tactics”, and say that I always “flipped” things anytime we argued. I ultimately concluded that she interpreted any disagreement or alternative perspectives as being a form of abuse. Needless to say, trying to amicably resolve the divorce has been very difficult.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/23 05:37 PM
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