NotDefensive Archive

Upvotes	Title	Category	Author	Subreddit	Date (UTC)

Upvotes	Comment on	Subreddit	Date (UTC)
2	Navigating DV Divorce Yes, there’s other ways to record and have it be court admissible. There is a crime happening, such as physical abuse. As long as your recording isn’t an escalation of the situation and is to protect your safety, there is a chance you can use it in court. And you definitely won’t get in trouble for recording. When I called the police after physical abuse, they asked if I had a recording, and advised to record if it happens again. So, technically not allowed but people expect you to do it anyway,…	/r/Divorce_Men	08/10/25 01:19 PM
2	Navigating DV Divorce I got a DVRO in California. Judge didn’t care much about the coercive control, isolation, or threats. I got the DVRO based on one incident when she punched me and my arm bruised, and another where she blocked the door to a hotel room and wouldn’t let me out. I had no evidence, but she told the same story I did with the ending changed where she didn’t do anything wrong. Judge found me more credible, so I won. Got a 1 year DVRO. I got lucky. Better if you can document so you have some evidence to …	/r/Divorce_Men	08/10/25 02:42 AM
7	How long after divorce… 1.5 years. Wasn’t looking to date even then, but I met a woman on a hike and we started talking. Then started dating. It’s been so simple. Being around her gives me energy instead of taking it away, such a difference.	/r/Divorce_Men	07/10/25 04:47 AM
4	Gray rock method Yes, I write down topics I’m willing to reply to (directly impacts kids). Then each message I get I identify what’s baiting me into conflict, what I’m inclined to explain/defend/justify, what is her trying to paint me as a bad parent. Then I throw all that out and see if there’s anything left in the message that directly impacts kids if I don’t reply. That’s all I reply to.	/r/Divorce_Men	06/09/25 07:12 PM
1	She keeps watching videos about avoidant personalities This is great if taken as personal empowerment and having healthy boundaries. But it’s so often weaponized against a partner, or used to excuse behaviors.	/r/Divorce_Men	06/09/25 06:39 PM
1	What’s the stupidest thing you had to deal with while going through your divorce? Thank you so much for the advice. Been a long road preparing for #2 and #3. For #2 I’ve submitted declarations with concern that I’m the only one taking them to extracurriculars, and the reason I questioned handling activities in the new schedule is for that reason, kids would miss half their activities unless she starts taking them. For 3, well, I have a permanent restraining order against her. It’s unlikely her word would carry weight over mine. Now I just have to prepare for #1. It’s these ki…	/r/Divorce_Men	11/08/25 08:38 PM
7	What’s the stupidest thing you had to deal with while going through your divorce? We’re scheduled for trial over custody cause she wants a different schedule. I’m not against the new schedule, I just had a question about how activities are handled, and she took that as a “no”. Lawyers gonna get paid for a two day trial where my testimony on the witness stand will be: I’m fine with it, just want to double check how activities are handled.	/r/Divorce_Men	09/08/25 10:47 PM
12	Girlfriend post divorce A wife isn’t a solution for loneliness. Sounds like you’re overthinking a bit. You’re less than a year from your split. Love and enjoy this while it lasts! But try to build on your identity outside relationships. Discover paths to lessen loneliness even while single. It’ll help you to prioritize healthier relationships over loneliness-resolving relationships. Good luck!	/r/Divorce_Men	30/07/25 02:12 AM
9	Trying to reduce alimony in California I’m not a lawyer. I have no idea why you mere advised to wait. If she can work, she should either work or have income imputed. I started with a vocational evaluation to determine if she can work. When it found she can and gave a step-by-step recommendation to rejoin the work force, the judge set orders for her to follow those steps. She failed to follow them, so now going back to court to impute income. Edit: Regarding the attorneys fees, I’ll offer an old stock trader’s saying: “Don’t trip over…	/r/Divorce_Men	27/07/25 09:45 PM
2	Divorce finalized 1 year ago. Am I financially safe or can she come back for more? Not a lawyer. Anecdotally, someone I know finalized the divorce, but when it came time to pay taxes on everything, it was discovered that the taxes made the split wildly inequitable. Apparently the husband probably knew this when he proposed the division of assets. They are back in court now. In this story there was likely deceptive during the divorce. But just to say, it can happen.	/r/Divorce_Men	11/07/25 06:43 PM
1	Divorcing an abuser I don’t know what needs to be proven to influence support, but I was able to get a domestic violence restraining order with near zero evidence in a no-fault state. Just some text messages that weren’t very nice but didn’t prove what happened. Without proof it was “he said she said”, but the DVRO was granted because my story was more credible. She got angry on the witness stand and yelled at my lawyer and the judge.	/r/Divorce_Men	06/07/25 03:03 AM
1	Custody Keep at it. I consulted 9 before I found the right one for me. Have got everything I am entitled to as a result.	/r/Divorce_Men	02/07/25 06:05 AM
1	Why isn’t there a divorce hotline for men? Someone in my team at work committed suicide when he got the custody verdict. I don’t know the data but your comment fits with my experience. Makes me wonder if it would help to talk about this more.	/r/Divorce_Men	21/06/25 01:05 PM
1	Dads who have been through a divorce or separation, what's one thing you wish someone had told you before you started dating again? To me this reads that an anxious attach woman is better than an avoidant attach woman. I wouldn’t be happy with someone who speaks emotional frustrations or someone who stonewalls. I like to spend time with people who share and connect about the good and the bad.	/r/Divorce_Men	14/06/25 12:10 AM
1	What sort of woman stops a man from having his kids 50/50 for no reason?! She tried for 80/20 and told me a judge wouldn’t give me that because I gave the kids baths on Monday instead of Sunday. Apparently that’s child neglect in her reality. I have 50/50.	/r/Divorce_Men	31/05/25 02:17 AM
1	Bitch and moan about inequalities in divorce I did the talk with the boss where I asked to take a step back. He was very supportive, but I’ve been struggling in performance reviews ever since. The workload dropped as I wanted but the expectations didn’t drop accordingly. Still worth it to me. One of the parents at school set up a WhatsApp for all the parents in the grade. She got the phone numbers of some parents and let people know about it mostly word of mouth. Now everyone is on it and we chat all the time. Works well for young grades, …	/r/Divorce_Men	25/05/25 05:48 AM
1	Part 2: Wife wants a divorce because of infidelity 12 years ago in previous marriage? Same. I gave in easily through our marriage, but I couldn’t offer remorse for something I did in her dream, and that wasn’t ok with her. We are now in the middle of a divorce where all I want is to split everything equal and live peacefully, and she wants to be angry and take me for all I’m worth (her words).	/r/Divorce_Men	02/02/25 05:25 AM
4	I’m at a crossroads and really don’t know what to do. In the same situation. Hate it here. Radical acceptance. I’m finding ways to make it tolerable and accepting that this is where I live for now. It was a series of my own choices that led here, so now I get to live with it. It’s hard that the kids would be happier somewhere else too. But I only 50% control where the kids live, which is effectively the same as no control at all, so no use dwelling on that.	/r/Divorce_Men	27/01/25 05:35 AM
12	Neede help to divorce my covert Narcist wife The details depend on what state you’re in, but here’s some general realities. She’s entitled to half the money. Unless there’s some kind of pre-marital agreement. Find a way to practice radical acceptance. You can’t really prevent it. But you can accept it and standup for yourself when she tries to get more than half. She’s entitled to 50% custody. She will take it even if she doesn’t want it. Even if she’s a terrible parent, many courts believe that time with both parents is critical to childr…	/r/Divorce_Men	17/01/25 07:52 PM
1	Ex is hurt no one has reached out to her over the divorce No kids, no favors. Adult kids, either way, up to you. Young kids, whatever is best for them. If people can get along in front of the kids, then it might be good to encourage family to reach out and keep things amicable. If they can’t get along, then it might be good for them if people stay separate. Read the situation and consider the kid’s needs above other’s preferences.	/r/Divorce_Men	14/01/25 02:51 PM
2	Would it help our separation if I got my wife something for Valentine’s Day? It sounds like she values space, so I say be cautious about sending a gift and make sure it’s for the right reason. “I still love you” doesn’t seem like the right reason. Perhaps a gift that says, “i value the time we had”. Maybe think along the lines of something you’d get a person for Mother’s Day. If that feels too difficult, it’s probably too early for a gift. Let the gift you offer be the space she asked for, and maybe next year you can offer a “just thinking of you” gift.	/r/Divorce_Men	14/01/25 02:41 PM