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Ok_Tea30 Archive

View 2 posts and 56 comments by Ok_Tea30 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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13

Getting StartedOk_Tea30/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 11:04 AM
3

Ok_Tea30/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 08:56 AM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
2

Yeah, it does ease up, but not fast and not clean. Time dulls the edge, even when it doesn’t erase the scar. What you’re feeling isn’t weakness, it’s the cost of caring deeply and showing up fully. People who move on quick usually checked out earlier. That doesn’t mean you were disposable, it means you were real longer. Being replaced that fast messes with your head, but it says more about how she copes than what you meant. Losing a child you bonded with cuts in a way few understand. That grief …
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 05:03 AM
3

That’s brutal, and anyone in your spot would feel wrecked. You’ve been holding everything together while she checks out, and that imbalance cuts deep. It hurts even more when love fades without a real talk. You’re not wrong for feeling this way. Protect your kid, protect yourself, and don’t rush healing.
/r/Divorce_Men04/02/26 05:01 AM
2

I get that, man. Taking that first step is always the hardest part, even when you know it’s what you need. Filling your life with things that make you feel alive really does help take the edge off those random hits from the past. Keep at it, you’re already on the right path just by noticing it and thinking about it.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 05:00 AM
2

Yeah, I can say I did. After my divorce, the first year or two felt like walking through fog. I was angry, lonely, and honestly didn’t think I’d ever feel whole again. I started focusing on myself, picked up old hobbies, learned new things, even took a course just for fun. Slowly I built a life that wasn’t defined by my ex or the marriage. Over time I found joy in new experiences and connections, and even if it’s different from before, it feels real and rewarding. It takes time, patience, and ef…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 03:40 AM
5

Yeah…I feel you completely. That’s a real kind of broken, not just sadness or anger. It’s like a part of your heart is frozen from the weight of everything that happened. I’ve been there too trying to force connection, trying to make the next relationship work, only to realize it didn’t feel real. It doesn’t mean you’re incapable of love forever. Right now your heart’s just protecting itself and processing what it’s been through. That part of you that loved like that before… it’s still there, it…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 03:27 AM
4

When my divorce was final, I grieved first. It hit hard, the quiet, the absence, all the years lost. But I knew I couldn’t stay stuck there forever. I started picking up little things for myself, like hobbies I had pushed aside and even took a course to learn something new. It didn’t erase the pain, but it gave me something to focus on and slowly rebuild my life around. Over time, I felt lighter and more like myself again.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 02:23 AM
1

I get why you need more reassurance. That makes sense given where you’re coming from. But if she’s already saying she can’t give that now, it’s unlikely she’ll suddenly have more to give once a baby arrives. That’s not you being needy, that’s reality. You’re allowed to need consistency and safety. If she can’t offer that, you have to protect yourself, even if it hurts.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 12:13 PM
1

Being married but “dating” with this much hurt and a pregnancy in the mix isn’t really a plan. It’s just keeping the pain going. There’s no trust or safety right now, and without clear boundaries and real work from both of you, it won’t hold. You don’t have to decide everything today. Just don’t sacrifice your self respect to avoid the loss. Take care of yourself first. That part actually matters most.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 10:00 AM
1

I’m really sorry. That’s a brutal amount to take in at once, and it makes total sense that you feel shattered and stuck. I’m going to be straight but gentle with you. This isn’t something you can fix or carry for her. A pregnancy with someone else changes the reality in a permanent way, no matter how much love or history you share. Wanting her back doesn’t make you weak, but staying in this would keep you in constant pain. Right now the priority is you. Your safety, your sanity, your future. Ste…
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 09:49 AM
1

Yeah that first stretch is pure chaos. What actually mattered for me was slowing things down instead of trying to solve everything. Two big things helped long term. First, I stopped reacting. No emotional texts, no explaining, no arguing. Just logistics and kid only. That alone saved me a ton of damage later. Second, I got my basics in order. Copies of documents, a clear picture of money, and a simple routine with my kid so at least one part of life felt stable. You don’t need to fix the future …
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 08:49 AM
1

Leaving was the hardest and most important part. I’ve been there, that moment where the cruelty comes out and then gets rewritten as “I was just trying to make you try.” That’s the cycle right there. You didn’t imagine it. What helped me stick to it was remembering that peace only showed up once there was distance. Not closure, not healing, just quiet. The urge to go back fades when your nervous system finally isn’t under attack every day. Getting intermediaries involved was smart, it protects y…
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/26 08:43 AM
2

When you’ve held everything in for years, it makes sense that it all came out at once. Nothing’s wrong with you for breaking down like that, your body finally felt safe enough to stop holding the line. That note probably landed like a gut punch because it confirmed what you already knew but didn’t want to accept. Feeling wrecked right now is part of the release, not a step backward. You don’t have to make sense of it yet, just let yourself feel it.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/26 04:39 AM
1

That question hits because those roles gave your life shape. When they’re gone, it feels like you disappear with them. You’re not nothing now, you’re a person in between identities, and that’s scary as hell. The answer doesn’t come fast. It gets built slowly, piece by piece, once the shock wears off.
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/26 03:48 AM
2

That stuck feeling happens a lot after holding it together for so long. Your body learned not to fall apart because it wasn’t safe to. Crying usually comes when you stop trying to make it happen. What helped me was letting the pressure off. Sit somewhere alone, no phone, no fixing. Put on music that already cracks you a bit or write one honest line you’re afraid to say out loud. Don’t force tears, just stay with the feeling in your chest. Sometimes it comes later, sometimes it comes in waves. Ev…
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/26 03:10 AM
1

Yeah that’s the worst part. When you open up and it gets used against you, you learn fast that it’s not safe to be vulnerable there. Anyone would start shutting down after that. It’s hard to keep showing up calm when the ground keeps getting pulled out from under you.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 07:45 AM
0

This sounds draining as hell. When every word gets twisted and the past is always used as a weapon, it keeps you stuck and second guessing yourself. Hoping it’ll turn around while the cycle keeps repeating wears you down fast. Your daughter feeling it makes it even heavier. Wanting closeness and connection is normal, and being stuck in this in between state slowly breaks you down. It’s okay to admit this isn’t sustainable, even if you don’t know the next move yet.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 07:35 AM
1

One thing that helped me was taking a course aimed at men and dads going through high conflict separation or divorce. It focuses on protecting your relationship with your kids, your finances, and your sanity, with practical awareness and strategy. It’s not therapy or legal advice, more about spotting common traps and staying grounded when things get messy.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 07:33 AM
2

Yeah I’ve noticed this too. A lot of people read quiet or withdrawn as tension, especially from men. Sadness in guys doesn’t look like tears most of the time, it looks flat, tired, shut down, and that gets mistaken for irritation. It’s not always gaslighting, more like people not knowing how to sit with male sadness so they label it as anger. You’re probably not giving off bad energy, you’re just not expressing it in a way they recognize. You’re not alone in this at all.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 07:23 AM
1

Yeah this kind of breakup wrecks you in a different way. Being replaced that fast messes with your head and makes everything feel disposable, even the years you gave. Wanting to beg when you see her is normal, it doesn’t mean you actually should. You already know it wouldn’t be safe for you long term. A good place to start is cutting the emotional exposure as much as you can. Keep contact about the kids only, no side talks, no revisiting the past. Give yourself space to come down from the shock.…
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 07:13 AM
1

That’s a hard moment to sit with. Even when you know it might happen, hearing it out loud still hits deep. It sounds like you’re seeing it clearly, and that doesn’t make it hurt any less. Reaching out right now makes sense, you don’t have to carry this part alone.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 07:03 AM
3

Reading this, it’s clear how much you’re putting your son first, even when it costs you a lot. That kind of love is real and kids feel it, even if they don’t have words for it yet. Holding it together for one day so he can feel whole is a big thing, even if it wrecks you after. You’re not weak for hating the situation and still showing up anyway. A lot of dads are barely surviving this part, and you’re still choosing him every time.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/26 06:58 AM
21

Short answer: yes, there are exceptions. And this sounds like one of them. What you’re describing fits a pretty common pattern after a major identity shift. Rapid weight loss, validation, sexual novelty, and attention can trigger a “new life” phase. Not always an affair. Sometimes it’s chasing freedom, dopamine, and a rewritten self image. In that state, stability can start to feel like a cage instead of a gift. Her behavior shows boundary erosion, secrecy, and emotional checkout long before she…
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/26 08:00 AM
6

That sounds exhausting and lonely. You are stuck between loving your family and slowly disappearing inside the cycle. Separation does not mean giving up, sometimes it is the only way to protect your sanity and your daughter from constant tension. Wanting connection and intimacy does not make you wrong, it makes you human.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/26 05:16 AM
1

What you’re describing is grief, not weakness. You didn’t just lose a partner, you lost a shared life, routines, and the person who knew your history. Missing her doesn’t mean you want her back or that you’re doing healing wrong. It just means the bond was real. Being cold or mean with her is a form of self-protection, and that makes sense, especially when her comments reopen wounds or spark false hope. Over time, that edge usually softens as you rebuild a sense of safety inside yourself. The wa…
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/26 08:58 AM
1

That sounds overwhelming and heartbreaking, especially with two babies and no time to breathe. You’re not failing, you’re burned out and carrying more than one person can. Living together during a divorce when love is gone usually makes the damage worse for everyone, especially the kids. It’s okay to choose structure and calm over trying to hold something together by yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/26 06:19 AM
7

Leaving a toxic marriage usually doesn’t happen in one brave moment, it happens when the pattern becomes undeniable and you finally stop arguing with reality. You’ve already done the hardest part, which is being honest with yourself that love alone isn’t fixing the damage and the kids are absorbing the cycle. The people who get out cleanest are the ones who accept the grief, stop trying to get the other person to finally “understand,” and shift into calm, businesslike decisions focused on stabil…
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/26 06:14 AM
2

You’re not alone in this, even if it feels that way right now. When I didn’t have anyone, I started by writing things out just to get them out of my head, and I found online spaces like this to talk honestly without feeling judged. It’s not a replacement for close friends, but it helps you breathe and realize others get it. Little by little, you can build support, but for now, it’s okay to lean wherever you can.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/26 03:29 AM
1

That thought makes sense, especially if things have genuinely cooled down. Just be careful not to confuse temporary cooperation with long-term reliability, paperwork is what protects you when moods change. If you do try again, keep everything documented and loop a lawyer in before anything gets signed. Avoiding court is great, but only if it doesn’t leave you exposed later.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 09:20 AM
7

That wasn’t you breaking, that was you finally hitting your limit. You’ve been patient, reasonable, and protective of your kids for a long time, and this crossed a line. Choosing to file and reclaim your home isn’t dramatic, it’s necessary. Being done doesn’t mean you failed, it means you’re choosing peace.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 09:11 AM
2

You’re not imagining it, this pattern is real and it’s draining. For some people, losing control hurts more than losing the marriage, and the kids become the leverage. Staying steady, documenting everything, and refusing to react emotionally is usually what protects you long term, even though it’s exhausting. You’re not alone in this, a lot of men live this quietly, and the fact you’ve built a calm life is probably exactly why it hasn’t stopped.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 09:07 AM
3

That part is one of the hardest, no doubt. Keep it simple, calm, and honest without details or blame, kids that age mainly want reassurance that they’re loved and it’s not their fault. Most take it better than we fear if they feel safe and included.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 09:01 AM
1

Anniversaries hit hard, even when walking away was the right call. Missing her doesn’t mean you made a mistake, it just means it mattered. 7 months isn’t long after something that took pieces of you. Be easy on yourself today.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 08:55 AM
3

Exactly. Once you stop trying to decode her motives, you take your power back. Focus on what you can control and let the rest be noise.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 08:50 AM
3

Yeah, this happens more than people admit, and it’s confusing as hell because there’s no villain to point at. When one person grows in a direction that redefines their needs, the other can end up feeling like the ground moved under them. It hurts even more when love is still there but compatibility quietly isn’t. You’re not crazy for feeling blindsided or pushed into changing just to keep up. Sometimes divorce isn’t about failure, it’s about two paths slowly no longer lining up, even when neithe…
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 08:47 AM
6

It sounds like she’s still trying to keep the conflict alive because calm doesn’t give her leverage. Some people don’t want peace, they want the fight to continue in a new form. You’re doing the right thing by putting walls around communication and letting facts speak. At this point, protecting your kid and your sanity matters more than understanding her motives.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 08:41 AM
2

That’s huge, honestly. Letting go is the part no one can force, it just clicks one day. Seeing the upside again means you’re healing, even if scars stay. And yeah, aiming for someone without a personality disorder sounds like a solid upgrade 😅.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 08:32 AM
2

That actually sounds like progress, even if it doesn’t feel like it yet. You stopped numbing and started building structure, that matters more than percentages right now. The anxious and angry stuff fades slower than we want, but it does fade. Keep stacking the boring healthy things, they quietly work. If you need to unload sometime, you can reach out to me.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 08:27 AM
6

That early stage hurts the most, especially when it feels like she’s already moved ahead and you’re still catching your breath. What you’re feeling is grief, not failure, and it hits hard in quiet moments. You’re doing the right things even if it doesn’t feel like progress yet. One day at a time is enough right now. If you want to vent, you can dm me anytime.
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/26 08:23 AM
3

That’s a scary spot to be in, and yeah, false violence claims are a nasty play. The good news is judges still care about evidence, patterns, and credibility, not just stories. What you described with her incident absolutely matters for safety and custody, even if it’s framed more as risk than violence. Stay calm, don’t swing accusations emotionally, let your lawyer connect the dots cleanly. And staying in the marital home parenting the kids is not nothing, courts notice who’s steady while the ot…
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 10:47 AM
1

You’re doing the right thing pulling the plug on the paralegal circus. In SoCal, courts usually don’t love one parent moving kids far away without consent, especially if you’ve been involved. You can ask for a move away restriction and temporary orders right away, that’s how you protect yourself. 50 50 is very realistic if you’re active and consistent. Get a lawyer, file, lock things down, then breathe. Waiting politely rarely beats acting early, sadly.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 10:24 AM
1

Man, that’s a brutal fight and it sounds like you’ve been dealing with nonsense for way too long. You’ve got real leverage now, especially with sworn testimony, so this is the moment to aim higher on counsel. Look for firms that handle high conflict custody and fee shifting cases, not general family law shops, and ask directly about interim fees up front. You’re playing chess while she’s flipping the board, judges usually notice that. Keep everything tight and documented, and yeah, heavy hitters…
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 10:21 AM
2

Man, that sounds brutally heavy, and I’m really sorry you’re carrying all of that. Anyone would feel wrecked in your shoes, this is grief not weakness. The jealousy, anger, and spiral urges are sadly very normal even if they feel messy. One day at a time really is the move here, boring but effective. Focus on staying present for your kids and yourself, even when it’s hard. Also yeah, future thoughts are terrifying right now, but they’re liars when you’re exhausted. Be kind to yourself and maybe …
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 09:13 AM
1

It’s online. I’ll DM you the link.
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/26 02:22 AM
1

Man, that mix of wanting them back and hating what happened is brutal. It’s like your brain won’t let the chapter close. Do you ever catch yourself replaying little moments just to torture yourself? Took me a while, but keeping busy and talking it out with people who get it made the days a bit easier. You’re not alone in feeling all over the place.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 06:35 AM
1

I know that feeling. The quiet can hit harder than you expect, but those empty spaces also give you a chance to figure out what really matters to you. Better days will come, one small step at a time.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 06:19 AM
1

It sounds exhausting, balancing most of the childcare while also dealing with constant criticism. That mix of feeling responsible but never fully appreciated is rough. A lot of dads here have felt the same, putting in the work and getting little respect back. Have you thought about setting small boundaries, even tiny ones at first, to protect your energy? Sometimes just deciding, “I handle mornings and meals, but I won’t argue about money at the same time,” can make a surprising difference. Trac…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 06:18 AM
2

Honestly, same here. They always feel awkward and weirdly tense, like nobody’s having fun even if they say they are.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 06:06 AM
2

Wow, that’s rough, man. Ten years, four kids, building something from nothing, and now it feels like it’s all slipping away. It makes sense you’re feeling stuck and completely heartbroken. Growth doesn’t have a deadline, but heartbreak sure makes it feel like it does. How are you holding up with the little wins day to day, like moments with the kids or just surviving a rough shift? Even tiny things count. And hey, if crying over text on Reddit counts as therapy, at least you’re doing something r…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 04:45 AM
6

After going through the divorce and all the challenges that came with it, I can finally see the achievements I’ve made. I’ve built a routine that supports my mental and physical health, strengthened my connection with my kids, improved my focus at work, and started pursuing personal goals I had put aside. Each step feels like progress, and I’m proud of how far I’ve come. I also took a course that helped me during this phase. It focuses on men and fathers rebuilding after separation and divorce. …
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 04:26 AM
1

Thanks, I needed that reminder. I forget to slow down and give myself space once the urgent stuff is handled. I’m trying to learn how to shut things off at night and not carry everything all at once. Appreciate you saying this.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/26 02:22 AM
1

That’s a huge change, and it makes sense that you’re feeling everything at once. Leaving a home you’ve been in for so long, even when it’s the right choice, brings a mix of sadness, relief, fear, and excitement. The first days alone are tough, but building small routines, leaning on friends and family, and creating a space that feels like yours can make it more manageable. I also found a course that helped me and other men going through separation, divorce, and identity shifts. It gave practical…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 09:16 PM
1

I know that feeling all too well, when everything else fades and the hurt just takes over. Even the things that used to help stop working and it makes the days feel longer and heavier. I took a course that helped me work through that intense pain and betrayal. It’s aimed at men and fathers dealing with divorce, separation, and identity loss, and it might help you too. It gave me tools to slowly reclaim my focus and peace. Small steps matter, keep showing up for yourself, even if it’s just a shor…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 07:22 PM
1

It sounds like you’re carrying a lot of hope and fear at the same time. That constant ups and downs can really drain you, especially when kids and a home are involved. Focusing on counseling is good, but also focus on your own stability and boundaries so you don’t lose yourself in the process. I came across a site and course designed for men and fathers navigating separation, divorce, and identity loss. It helped me handle the emotional rollercoaster while staying present for my kids and might h…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 07:12 PM
2

You’re not broken for feeling this way. A lot of men wake up after divorce and realize the social scaffolding disappeared with the marriage. That loneliness hits hard because nobody teaches men how to rebuild connection. Here’s the move. Start small and direct. Message your friend and say you’d like to talk more and catch up. One sentence is enough. If he responds, you have your answer. If he doesn’t, you learned something without overexposing yourself. Also, don’t wait for people to check in. M…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 09:08 AM
1

Man, that’s brutal. What you’re going through would shake anyone. Having your role as a dad suddenly questioned and being treated like a threat when you’ve done nothing wrong cuts deep. That kind of shock messes with your sense of safety, your identity, everything. You were hit with crisis after crisis, and it sounds like you kept showing up anyway. When someone unravels under that much pressure, the fallout often lands on the closest person. That does not make you the villain, even if the syste…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/26 09:04 AM
1

What you’re feeling is normal. After nearly 20 years, the quiet and change feel huge. You are grieving, and grief moves in waves. Some days you remember why it ended, other days only the good. Both are normal. Calm after separation does not mean you made the wrong choice. It often comes from relief, not regret. You are 48. Many people rebuild later in life. You are not too late. The fears you listed are common. Fear talks loudly in silence. Silence does not mean emptiness. Your kids benefit more…
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/26 10:21 AM
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