Own-Vermicelli1968 Archive

Upvotes	Title	Category	Author	Subreddit	Date (UTC)
59	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely.		Own-Vermicelli1968	/r/Divorce_Men	21/06/25 11:14 AM

Upvotes	Comment on	Subreddit	Date (UTC)
1	Ex wife pics I mean, that might generally hold true for general pictures. But nudes?	/r/Divorce_Men	03/05/26 02:24 AM
2	Ex wife pics Power/control certainly won’t help you heal.	/r/Divorce_Men	03/05/26 02:22 AM
9	Would you do it all over again? Yeah, I’d go to hell and back for my kids, but nah, I wouldn’t choose my ex again.	/r/Divorce_Men	18/04/26 03:31 AM
2	STBX sleeping with someone else Been here. Living together after she’s sleeping with someone else is particularly rough. It got a lot better after I moved out. It’ll take time. Even if you don’t hate her, it’s best to quit talking for any reason other than to coordinate stuff with kids. Don’t pay attention to her world and don’t let her into yours (except for the kids). Don’t worry about telling anyone, and keep your lips tight as much as possible (except to someone like a counselor or someone else with no common ties). If she…	/r/Divorce_Men	07/04/26 03:13 AM
4	Ex wife want to move on with another guy I have a good relationship with my ex wife and the guy she left me for. But it took some space and getting remarried to a much more suitable partner. And five years. Six and a half years later, my ex wife comes to group social gatherings we have. She hangs out at our house about once a week. She’s here for about 4-5 hours. She goes shopping, sings karaoke, and does silly and fun stuff with my ex wife. We spend holidays and birthdays together. We’re on really good terms. There are no lingering fe…	/r/Divorce_Men	03/04/26 11:06 AM
3	Dating a divorced man who keeps pulling away – looking for perspective from divorced men The first wife is the mother of my four kids. It took us about five years, but we now have a pretty integrated family where she’s good friends with my current wife - lives four blocks away and comes over for social dinners and parties. Current wife is a long time friend who has known my ex-wife since we started divorcing. Still thinks she was awful to me, but we’re all adults. Life moves on.	/r/Divorce_Men	06/01/26 03:26 PM
6	Dating a divorced man who keeps pulling away – looking for perspective from divorced men I might have a different perspective because this was me. I was committed but couldn’t “commit.” My wife of 16 years cheated on me. So did my three year rebound relationship (I don’t think I actually loved her, but I committed to that because I’m a “good guy.”). My current wife is the absolute perfect partner for me. She hits all the emotional needs I was seeking to fill in my first marriage. And she had to aggressively chase me down for years before I could commit because I was avoidant after b…	/r/Divorce_Men	06/01/26 02:46 PM
3	Ex-Wife Reaction to me dating Better wait til you’re in Cabo before you say anything.	/r/Divorce_Men	04/12/25 09:10 PM
6	If I file, the wheels likely fall off her life This	/r/Divorce_Men	05/11/25 02:32 PM
2	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely. I actually got a bit excited reading this. Because I can hear it in your words—you’re not trying to escape this. You’re staying in it. And that tells me everything I need to know. You spent 18 years moving around someone else. That doesn’t just affect your choices—it shapes your sense of self. And now, for the first time in a long time, you’re not adjusting to someone else’s reactions. That's fertile ground. It might feel like not much has changed yet, but emotions you didn’t expect will surface…	/r/Divorce_Men	25/06/25 08:43 PM
2	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely. We have two free, open circles this week - tomorrow and Thursday. We start an 8 week guided course on July 8th. It's also free (though we ask for a free will offering because we know people who contribute even a nominal amount are more likely to stay the whole 12 weeks [which is important for the group's psychological safety and cohesion]). We're still in the process of refining the whole thing (which is why I'm here asking for input), and our site isn't really up yet, but there is a link in my …	/r/Divorce_Men	23/06/25 07:12 PM
1	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely. I hear you on how “help” doesn’t always land. I’ve felt that too—sitting across from someone who’s supposed to guide you, and realizing you’re the one doing the emotional heavy lifting. Explaining your pain to someone who’s never touched that kind of darkness... it goes nowhere. And it’s exhausting. I’m the last person to say I can help you. The way you move through this is yours. But I’ve been both an individual psychotherapist and leading cohorts of 6-12 for over a decade. When it comes to rel…	/r/Divorce_Men	23/06/25 07:00 AM
5	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely. Thank you for not sugarcoating it. I spent over a decade as a hospice chaplain, and I can say you're not crazy. You’re not weak. And your pain makes sense. I don’t have answers. But I believe you matter in a very individual way. You’re carrying the weight most people look away from—that most people spend their lives avoiding it. That doesn’t make your life easier, but it's real, and it matters. This world is loud with noise and bullshit. But the raw, stripped-down "what's the point of any of thi…	/r/Divorce_Men	23/06/25 06:42 AM
2	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely. I agree with a lot of what you’re saying—especially about the need for divorced men to find each other. The pain is specific. The identity rupture is real. And men who haven’t lived it don’t get it. But I also want to push back a bit because there are things that work. I’ve seen it. I’ve lived it. And I've helped other men get their wholeness back. There are no quick fixes, and I am not just jabbering with happy talk. But there are ways through this that actually rebuild men from the inside out.…	/r/Divorce_Men	22/06/25 02:44 PM
1	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely. I'm a prolific writer, and 90% of what's written above has been public on the internet for over three years. That's what writers tend to do—lift, restructure, and reuse. I think I've known about AI for like a year. Even still, who the eff cares? I'm a pragmatist. "Don't try to sell the human with the inhuman." Oh brother. I don't have the energy for elitist prescriptionists. AI is a tool. I will flat out tell my grad students that I expect they're using it—so they better use it well. But yet aga…	/r/Divorce_Men	22/06/25 05:56 AM
1	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely. It's funny people keep saying this, as if AI makes something less genuine. That said, my first two degrees are in writing, and my first career was in editing. I was professor of the year (writing department) at a major university, have been a published poet for 20 years, and have ghostwritten a few NYT bestsellers in the subgenre of spiritual nonfiction. I copywrite web sites at least once a week, and yes, I put time into crafting what I wrote here because it's a deeply meaningful message to me.…	/r/Divorce_Men	22/06/25 12:18 AM
2	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely. What you're saying - the damn heavy, painful weight of what you're saying is why we feel compelled to build this thing. The sense of "I need a new matrix" and your last line about suicides. For years, I felt like I had done everything and nothing ever connected. The last year of my marriage is the only time I called the suicide hotline. I felt like I was just standing in wreckage and fire. I was super-high all the time (after never once getting high my entire life), and I couldn't get anything d…	/r/Divorce_Men	22/06/25 12:07 AM
3	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely. We're allowed to breathe? haha	/r/Divorce_Men	21/06/25 05:39 PM
1	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely. The classic one I'm thinking of is, "You gotta get under someone to get over someone." I just tried using that one over and over for awhile. Didn't work so well! I think it's worth building some resources for men that are healthier. Thank you.	/r/Divorce_Men	21/06/25 05:02 PM
1	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely. Hey, this is really helpful and something I haven't thought about much. As a former pastor, I've thought about it in relationship to losing my church community, but you're hitting something underdeveloped in what we've built so far: considered: the wider social architecture of “intact families." When I divorced, I lost her family. There was grief not just over the relationship, but over the ecosystem we once moved in, both familially and church-wise. But neither knew how to handle something so r…	/r/Divorce_Men	21/06/25 04:55 PM
3	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely. I used to think apologizing for everything was what made me a good partner. I thought the chaos—the ups and downs, the walking-on-eggshells energy—was just passion. Intensity. Proof that we cared. But the truth is, I had never actually been in a healthy relationship. I didn’t know what that looked like. And somewhere in the mix, I put all my worth in whether or not this woman wanted me. I became subservient. Adapted everything to keep the peace. The wildest thing, though? After it all fell apart…	/r/Divorce_Men	21/06/25 04:44 PM
1	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely. I can see by the number of upvotes that what you say resonates. I took the vows seriously. Not just emotionally, but spiritually. "Death do us part" was a spiritual covenant before God to me. So when things started to fall apart, I didn’t let go. I held on. For too long, honestly. She was having an affair for over a year before I finally let go. I kept thinking I was being faithful. That I was honoring my vows. That staying meant I was doing the right thing. But looking back, there was a shadow …	/r/Divorce_Men	21/06/25 04:32 PM
1	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely. Ruminating on the past is like being alive and laying in your coffin.	/r/Divorce_Men	21/06/25 04:26 PM
2	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely. I had accomplished so many big things, and a lot of that probably led to the failure of my marriage. My first big win after marriage was honestly losing weight and feeling attractive again. I've found there's no bigger win than self-confidence.	/r/Divorce_Men	21/06/25 04:24 PM
3	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely. Thanks man—really appreciate your comment. You’re naming so many of the things that don’t get talked about enough. That line—“imagine if I didn’t do those things?”—yeah. I feel that. Right now we’re running Open Circles next Tuesday and Thursday (7-9pm ET) for guys to just come check it out—no pressure, just a chance to feel it out. Then we’re launching our 12-week guided circle starting July 8, which is really the core of what we’re building. Financially, we’re keeping it totally accessible. It…	/r/Divorce_Men	21/06/25 04:18 PM
3	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely. Walking won’t help much in our online circles… 😅 But honestly? Walking saved my life. At one point my life was completely out of control—I had ballooned to over 500 lbs. I ended up losing over 300. And walking—slow, steady, simple—was my lifeline. It was one of the only things that got me out of my head and back into my bodye—walking and yoga. They gave me space to breathe, reflect, not spin out, create new patterns. And what you said about reverting back to who you really are? When I came out o…	/r/Divorce_Men	21/06/25 12:56 PM
1	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely. I love what you said about having good men around you. It's affirming, right? One thing I find over and over though is that many men just kinda live with this sort of "well, I'm on the outside of the circle" mentality and feel like they can't break in. I'm hoping our circles can help with that. I know I'm simply just more confident now that I've re-established those bonds of brotherhood. Letting relationships lapse during marriage is so so common. Either we invest everything into the marriage an…	/r/Divorce_Men	21/06/25 12:46 PM
3	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely. Yeah… I get it. But I’ll be real—when I hear “just put yourself first,” something in me flinches. That’s not how I’m built. I was the guy who showed up. For family. For my community. For people in crisis. That was my identity. And I think a lot of guys feel that way. But you’re not wrong. I kept trying to hold space for everyone else while I was falling apart—and it wrecked me. You can’t keep pouring from empty. I had to learn the hard way: if I didn’t deal with my own shit, I wasn’t helping any…	/r/Divorce_Men	21/06/25 12:17 PM
1	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely. Man… yeah. That hits. That part about people switching off—even the ones who care—was painfully true for me. I was a pastor at the time, and when my marriage ended, it was like my whole identity evaporated. I didn’t fit anymore. I wasn’t the “leader with the solid home life.” And at the same time, I was starting to deconstruct my faith. So I lost my family, my role, my belief system, and most of my community in one go. People didn’t know what to do with me. They meant well. But they backed off. …	/r/Divorce_Men	21/06/25 12:11 PM
1	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely. I really appreciate everything you shared here. Especially the part about who you build that circle with—guys who’ll back you up, but also challenge you when needed. That second part was missing for me at first. I did jump into a stupid rebound relationship… got married to someone 15 years younger. Ooff. But I was proud of myself because I was emotionally resilient the second time around. I didn't go reeling. It honestly took me four years to find the kind of men who could sit with me and call m…	/r/Divorce_Men	21/06/25 12:03 PM
1	After divorce, I lost more than my marriage—I lost my sense of self. I’ve spent years helping others through transformation, but rebuilding myself was something else entirely. That really resonates. I spent over a decade working as a bereavement counselor, and it’s wild how much of that work came back to save me when my own life unraveled. One person who helped shape my thinking around grief is Dr. Alan Wolfelt. He talks about how grief isn’t linear—it’s more like a rollercoaster. That image stuck with me: the slow climbs of hope, sudden plunges into doubt or rage, sharp turns you didn’t see coming—and sometimes even those moments where you're flipped upside down and …	/r/Divorce_Men	21/06/25 11:35 AM