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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
77

PostTrenchesDad/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 03:54 AM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
16

Your therapist is right - you need to balance the grief with what you're gaining. Here's what I found on the other side: Time with your son is YOURS. No distraction, no mediating someone else's mood, no wondering if you should be doing something else. When he's with you, you're fully present. You get to build the life you actually want. Not the life you thought you were supposed to want. What you eat, how you spend weekends, what your space looks like - all yours. You learn who you are without t…
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 02:33 AM
17

You're not crazy. What you're experiencing is the gap between how long it's taking YOU to process this versus how log it took HER. She didn't move on in a day. She checkout months (maybe years) ago and processed the end of the relationship while you were still in it. By the time she left, she was done grieving. You're just starting. What's happening is your grieving the relationshiop you thought you would continue to have. The 15 years. The partnership. The version of her that cared. But that ve…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 07:10 PM
1

The other comments covered it well - the house equity gets split regardless of who paid the mortgage. Whether she can actually afford to keep it after that is her problem to solve, not yours. Your lawyer will walk through the math - what the equity split looks like, whether she can refinance to buy you out, or if the house needs to be sold. The key thing others mentioned: stop thinking in "we" terms. Her being able to afford the house isn't your responsibility anymore. If she can't qualify for a…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/26 02:09 AM
14

You're doing the right thing seeing a lawyer Friday. That's step one. Before Friday, don't sign anything, don't agree to anything verbally, and don't move out of the house unless your lawyer tells you to. What to bring to the lawyer: All financial documents (accounts, paychecks, mortgage statements) Timeline of who paid for what (you said you've made all mortgage payments - document that) Her work schedule and your work schedule (matters for custody) List of what you want (custody arrangement, k…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/26 06:03 AM
7

Yeah, she's interested. She told you she broke up with her boyfriend, she's free again, and she only works weekends (aka "here's when you can find me"). That's not customer service small talk. That's her giving you an opening. Your gut is right. Your ex-wife wrecked your ability to trust it. The "she could not possibly be interested in me" voice? That's not reality. That's the damage talking. Next time you see her, ask her out. Keep it simple: "Hey, I've really enjoyed talking with you. Would yo…
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/26 09:11 PM
3

Six months out and hitting these questions hard - that's normal. Brutal, but normal. What you need to know is: Her ability to walk away without remorse says everything about HER and nothing about you. Some people can compartmentalize and move on like flipping a switch. It doesn't mean the 15 years didn't matter. It means she's capable of detaching in a way that feels inhuman to you. You're asking the wrong questions: "Did I matter?" You mattered. The 15 years happened. Your feelings were real. "…
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 07:12 PM
5

Congrats on the date. The fact that you're excited instead of spiraling is a good sign. Regarding the divorce, keep it simple and honest. If she asks, don't hide it but don't unload either. "Yeah, I'm going through a divorce. Final docs are in, just waiting on the judge. It's been tough but I'm in a good place now." That's it. Don't explain the whole story, don't bash your ex, don't get into the details unless she asks follow-up questions. If she asks more, answer honestly but keep it brief. Foc…
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 06:43 PM
8

You're doing it right. Limited contact, therapy scheduled, trying to accept she's not coming back - that's exactly what you should be doing. The obsessive thinking about everything is normal. Your brain is trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. She left, discarded you, says she wants to be alone. There's no logic that makes that feel better, but your brain keeps searching for it anyway. That's just what grief does. Living in the house until it sells while sharing a dog is rou…
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/26 06:23 PM
2

Glad it helped. Keep going.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/26 02:08 AM
2

You're not insane for wanting to reconcile. You're human. You spent 7 years with this person and tried to make it work even when it was falling apart. But read what you wrote: your daughter didn't want to come home, her kid choked your daughter, you suggested living separately just to stay married. You were bending yourself into impossible shapes trying to save something that wasn't working. She showed you her answer. Two months of silence while traveling and posting on social media. That's not …
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 09:06 PM
15

Last night. Man, I'm sorry. That empty feeling sitting across from your kids trying to act normal - I remember that clearly. First - breathe. You don't need to have everything figured out today. On the practical side - Even though it's amicable now, talk to a lawyer. Not to fight her, but to understand your rights and what to expect. Oregon has specific custody laws for kids this young. You need to know what 50/50 custody actually looks like, what financial obligations exist, how child support w…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 09:01 PM
2

There's no magic timeline. The "wait a year" thing is just because most people aren't actually ready before then - they're using dating to avoid dealing with the divorce. But you already tried that. You got on the apps early, felt like shit, and pulled back. That's actually good judgment. The real question isn't "how long should I wait?" It's "why am I dating?" If you're using it to avoid sitting with uncomfortable feelings about the divorce - that's a problem. If you're dating because you genui…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 08:36 PM
7

You keep going back to the well because you're not trying to make it work with HER. You're trying to make it work with the version of her you wish existed. The one who would meet you halfway. The one who would actually change. The one who would choose you and your son. That version doesn't exist. This took me a while to understand as well. The real version is the one who made you leave with your son. The one who fails miserably at working things out. The one you've tried to understand for over a…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 08:25 PM
9

That stings. Losing the wedding invitation from a groomsman hurts more than losing random couple-friends. The new reality is mutual friends pick sides, even when they claim they're not picking sides. Your buddy chose. He's worried about her stress on his wedding day, not yours. He made the calculation that it's easier to uninvite you than deal with potential drama from her. Is it a lack of judgment? Maybe. Or maybe he knows something about her behavior you don't want to believe yet. If she's a m…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/26 08:16 PM
2

You already know what to do. You said it yourself: no 4th strike. The injury makes this complicated - you're semi-dependent on her right now, so leaving feels impossible. But staying means accepting this is who she is. She's shown you the pattern three times now (that you know of). Therapy didn't change it. Years of "working through it" didn't change it. You being injured and needing her didn't change it. This isn't a rough patch. This is who she is. So what do you actually do? Accept she's not …
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 03:01 AM
6

This is exactly it. The quiet patterns nobody talks about. "The kids don't remember who won the arguments. They remember whose house felt like the same house every single time." That's the whole game. Thanks for writing this.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 02:49 AM
7

Eight months out, I remember that exhaustion clearly. You're right - it's not medical, it's the cumulative weight of rebuilding your entire life while processing the end of 16 years. Every "normal" task now has extra weight because you're doing it alone AND processing grief at the same time. Grocery shopping isn't just shopping - it's "I used to do this with her." Scheduling appointments isn't just admin - it's "I'm managing everything solo now." That's exhausting. The initial adrenaline carries…
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/26 02:40 AM
11

You're taking the right steps - AA, anger management, no drinking since the incident. That matters. Here's what I'd focus on: Do the work for YOU, not to win her back. Right now you're hoping that if you fix yourself fast enough, she'll see it and come back. But that's the wrong motivation. Whether she ever reconciles or not - you need to understand why you got angry, why you drank, why you grabbed her arm. That's about becoming the man your SON needs, not winning your wife back. In a year when …
/r/Divorce_Men05/03/26 09:07 PM
1

Fear of making it real is totally normal. Right now it's thoughts. Once you talk to a lawyer or tell your family, it's a decision. But you already know staying isn't an option. The fear is just your brain trying to keep you in the familiar, even if the familiar is miserable. You've got this. Start with the lawyer consult. Just information. Then decide your next step.
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/26 05:04 AM
5

20 years is a long time. No infidelity, just... empty. You're not leaving because something dramatic happened - you're leaving because there's nothing left. That's harder to explain to people, which is probably why you haven't talked to your family yet. First - you're not alone in this. Plenty of us have been exactly where you are. Knowing you need to end it but having no idea where to start. Step 1: Talk to a lawyer (just a consult) Most family lawyers offer free or low-cost initial consultatio…
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/26 09:06 PM
4

Yep. You're not alone. Best decision I ever made though was to get out. If you're waiting for a sign and that's all that it will take consider this is it. She claimed I was homophobic part way through. We opened our marriage versus immediately ending it when she wanted to explore relationships with women. She claimed physical abuse after no mention of it during mediation intake, initial filing or first 3 responses. That gives you an idea. I got lucky she didn't time them well. I know others who …
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 07:30 AM
2

Having your heart ripped out and trampled on is never fun. Add a spinal injury, losing your caregiver, and watching her move someone else in with your kids - that's brutal. I'm sorry you're going through this. First the depression: You mentioned deep depression. That's serious, especially with chronic pain and isolation. Please talk to your doctor or a psychiatrist. This isn't weakness - it's survival. Depression + chronic pain is a dangerous combination. Get professional support. Therapy too. S…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 07:11 AM
4

This is tough. My oldest son became his mom's confidant and therapist too - "man of the house," looking after his brother constantly when in her care. I get what you're seeing. At 15, unless something severe is happening, no one (CPS, courts) will intervene on this. She's being included in adult conversations and loves the attention. You'll likely notice her inserting herself into adult conversations more and more. Addressing your ex will have the opposite affect of what you want. Keep the commu…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/26 06:38 AM
5

This hits close to home. You're not missing your ex - you're grieving what you thought your life was going to be. 20 years together, 16 married, two kids. That's an entire life story, an identity, a future you built in your head. When someone new gets serious, it triggers that grief because it means really closing the door on that old life. The dreams aren't about wanting her back. They're your brain processing the loss and fear of making the same mistake. You said it yourself - you've seen aspe…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 05:21 AM
3

Man, I hear the hope in this post. After a month of silence and attorneys, she finally talked to you like a human being. That feels like a lifeline. Here's what I want you to consider: One good conversation after weeks of cold silence doesn't mean you're "back in the game." It might mean she needed to vent. It might mean she's processing. It might mean there's an opening. But here's the hard question: What's changed? She asked for a divorce. She stopped communicating except through email. Attorn…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 04:25 AM
7

Man, I hear you. You're doing everything - morning routine, dinner, bedtime, dishes, laundry, cleaning - while she's checked out on the couch. And you're still trying to hold it together for your kids and your marriage. The hard truth is you can't help someone who won't help themselves. You went to therapy (good for you, by the way - that's not weakness, that's strength). You learned she's likely depressed and hypoactive. You've tried to suggest change. She's refused therapy and gets angry when …
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 04:07 AM
1

Brother, that last paragraph - I need you to hear this clearly: Your kids need you alive. Not perfect. Not at your best. Alive and present. What you're feeling - that darkness - is a normal response to an abnormal situation. But normal doesn't mean safe. If those thoughts get louder or more specific, you need to call a crisis line immediately. [988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline in the US - available 24/7] Please tell your therapist exactly what you wrote in that last paragraph at your next s…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 03:39 AM
3

The avalanche for us was when my youngest wanted to go to his grandparents' house - totally normal, safe thing. She physically blocked the door to prevent him from leaving. He went out the back, she raced him there. He switched to the front door and got out. That level of loss of control over something minor. CAS got involved after that. The trigger doesn't have to make sense to us - it just has to feel like a loss of control to her. For some it's the kids choosing the other parent's house. For …
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 03:26 AM
2

You are not alone. This is brutal, and you're going to get through it. Right now, you need three things: Follow the court order exactly I know it feels wrong. I know you want to fight it. But right now, compliance is your best protection. Every violation she can claim against you will be used. Don't give her ammunition. Move out in 2 weeks as ordered. Get the shitty apartment. It's temporary, and it's your psychological safety. Once you're out of that house, you'll be able to breathe again. Chan…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/26 02:43 AM
3

Does it not have to be ordered by a judge and not just 'send them the bill'? If they can come up with whatever they want and bill them for it regardless outcome there's so many things wrong with that! In North America there's really no incentive for men to get married anymore. There's no upside. Yes, I say this knowing it and still getting married again ... That's unfortunate :(
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 10:47 PM
2

Curious, why is her lawyer coming to you to pay her legal fees? Is she not responsible for them? If not, she's using the lawyer to hurt you even more. This has to stop. Please talk to a therapist and if clinical depression see a psychiatrist. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You have to start with getting yourself straight.
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 09:49 PM
3

Yes, you are not alone. When we first separated I was told my nights to go out were Monday and Tuesday. I did end up meeting someone, however when I found out my ex was just getting a babysitter for those nights and going out 6-7 nights per week I put all my energy into our boys. I explained to the person I met what was going on and she would come over after our boys were in bed. It could be that she's "checked out". Do document this stuff as facts, patterns and evidence are important. Being the…
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 09:41 PM
8

Do not sign! Anything you sign you can be held accountable to regardless of intent. How it's worded almost sounds like they are offering up the old home as collateral. Her getting approval for moving herself forward has nothing to do with you. If it's truly over, sell the matrimonial home and split the proceeds and you both can do what you want with them. Note: unless there is a written agreement in place the funds will be held in escrow until it is resolved. Only Spousal support/Alimony can be …
/r/Divorce_Men17/02/26 08:16 PM
2

100%. Moving forward and getting out is super important!
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 08:44 PM
3

Be sure to document these events and keep the text messages. If you don't, you will absolutely need them. These are the facts and evidence needed and if she's playing these types of games now, I really hope I'm wrong, they will get worse when she can't bait you and can't get her control over you back.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 09:28 AM
3

One day at a time. Start on creating your new life. Hobbies, friends, getting out and meeting people. Most importantly, look after yourself! It does get easier. Remember the goal of a parent is their kids will leave the nest at some point anyways. No one's kid stays with them forever.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 09:23 AM
3

Let them do them and you be you. They know exactly what's going on. Until it becomes "not worth it" for them to accept don't worry about it. Not worth losing sleep over. I know easier said then done. Don't let this live rent free in your mind and take you away from being present when you are with them. They'll appreciate a board game night, movie night, a lunch/dinner with you more. Focus on those things. In my opinion, the things that matter.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 09:18 AM
2

Recommend seeing a therapist. They will point out some things that you don't/can't/won't see for yourself. The "holey shit" moments will hit hard at first, give yourself lots of compassion and process what you learn. You're worth it and you'll get there.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 09:13 AM
2

It gets easier with time. Compassion for yourself is important in this time.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 09:11 AM
1

The next chapter will be even better than the last!
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 09:10 AM
3

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Reach out if you need to talk. You are not alone. For me it was 4 to get divorced, though with two boys it only slowed down last year (this year is 10 years).
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 09:10 AM
5

This one is always tough. To sum up what's happening, the stable parent gets the worst of it. My ex (our boys mother) would tell the boys, horrible, horrible things. ie. if you share things with dad, he'll call the police and you'll never see me again. Yes, like that level. They had to learn how to manage their mother, walk on eggshells, etc. Then, they come back to you. They feel safe, there's structure, predictability, routines, etc. When kids come back to these spaces they can relax and they …
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 09:07 AM
3

Yes and there are differences. Psychiatrist is a medical doctor who diagnosis and treats medical health conditions, focusing on biological aspects and can prescribe medicine. Therapist is a licensed professional to address mental health, past trauma and emotional or behaviour issues. Coach focuses on present and future to achieve personal/professional goal, improve performance and get 'unstuck'. Really depends on what you need the help with. For most people I would recommend at least a therapist…
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 08:39 AM
5

Lifetime spousal support after a 5 year marriage will not happen in court. Documents and evidence showing her lies are important and will help your case significantly. She's threatening trial at this point. She's using it as a tactic. In court she will have to provide detailed financial records (she'll play the delay game here most likely too). It's good that you have the evaluator (get this report in writing and submit as part of your court paperwork). Regarding life insurance, what she wants i…
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 03:39 AM
3

Hey, it's about how much time you spend dwelling. Once you do what you can to prepare and have plans in place on how to handle certain scenarios should they happen, stop there. There's no point stewing in it longer than that. Here's an example. The night before I moved out of the matrimonial home, we had to go to home depot. On our way there we saw a uhaul truck at a place around the corner, all looked fine. On our way home when we passed it, it was surrounded by police. I turned to my dad and h…
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 03:30 AM
2

Plan for the worst and hope for the best. It's when people say "It would never happen like that to me" it stings. Divorce doesn't have to be hard. It can be 'easy' both parties have to be willing to compromise and I've seen and coached other dad's through it. It is possible. You got this and you will get through it.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/26 02:08 AM
1

Thank you. To get divorced took 4.5 years for us and then she came after me a few times. Due to circumstances, me holding steady and our boys learning who the stable one is, things are in a good place now. Time is your friend. Who said you had to unlove her. My ex gave me my boys. They're amazing kids becoming great adults. Baby steps. Therapy is something worth looking into as well here.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 05:41 PM
1

My pleasure. Here if you need anything. You will get through it and there is light at the end of the tunnel.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 05:36 PM
2

It's great that you've taken pause to reflect on what's actually going on. Each time you aren't 'feeding' her supply she desperately tries other tactics to regain it. She's losing control and doesn't like it. Her losing control causes her to lose control, I'm sure you already see the pattern. I read the rest of your story. Stealing $35k, ouch! Mine stole $1,000 and thankfully didn't have access to our line of credit. Theft is still theft. Make sure moving forward she doesn't have access to your …
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 05:36 PM
2

My pleasure. It took a while to learn them so if it's helps someone else not have to learn the way I did, that's the hope.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 05:16 PM
1

This is karma showing you a glimpse. Mine gained more than that and blames me for it, lol
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 05:36 AM
2

If that is what turns you on, you can have that dynamic in your new relationship where it's done with all parties consenting and all above board. Look up Ethical Non-Monogamy. It's good that you are out of that relationship as it wasn't healthy. It seems like she still may have a hold on you. Reach out to a therapist, ideally one with experience in complex/toxic relationships. It's easy to say to control ones thoughts. Work on the present and your future.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 05:34 AM
5

Write it and burn it. If you send it, it can be used against you. I promise you she doesn't care and will likely laugh at it. By ruminating you are letting her live rent free in your head. Meaning she still has control over you. How long do you want her to have that control?
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 05:23 AM
1

In the end, it's the lawyers that win and it will cost more than you think. Your biggest challenge is if she's got someone paying for everything they could drag things on for quite a long time. It's a tactic, so be prepared. It will be best for you to settle outside of court. Where I live (Canada), you can mutually agree outside of court for no maintenance/spousal support. Whatever was generated in your retirement accounts while married, she's entitled to most likely half. You will get through t…
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 05:20 AM
1

It's good that you answered truthfully. The bad news is it may mean you can't go through mediation. If you didn't report it on the questionnaire, if you ever bring it up elsewhere there needs to be consistency in your responses. If some places you claim abuse and others you don't and it appears in court, it will not be good for you. How can the judge trust anything you're saying? When I went through mediation, we both put no for abuse. Mediation didn't work and about 8 months into court proceedi…
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 05:10 AM
1

Definitely seek legal counsel in your state. It's worth getting a couple opinions. Where I'm from (Canada). That is a relatively short marriage for her to be making that kind of claim unless there are specific circumstances, but even then. If everything was split and kept separate, and your savings existed also before your marriage that is good. Can you show, with facts and evidence of her reckless spending? Documentation will be important both now and obtaining what you can from the past to str…
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/26 05:00 AM
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