This might be presumptuous of me but you make the “why” in your life, because you choose to make the reason. Maybe talk to someone you trust about this or a therapist? Talking helps quite a bit it’s never a good plan to internalize feelings, and I’m sure it would help
It’s a black hole I’m currently in. School fucking sucks right now,( no support, no help), the only time my parents aren’t too busy to talk to me are when they’re mad about something, and I have no social life so yeah it’s fun