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Rae_Momof4 Archive

View 3 posts and 33 comments by Rae_Momof4 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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1

Stick to the divorce agreement. Since your daughter is now at your ex's house, it's quite possible the ex is pressuring/manipulating her to say she wants to stay.
/r/Divorce_Men13/07/26 02:34 PM
3

I understand what you're saying, but was it that he didn't care, or was it that he didn't understand? I ask because I think this is a huge issue in relationships, one that explains the "blindsiding" that happens. We all think we're communicating clearly, but the truth is that what we hear is shaped through our own experiences, beliefs, interpretations, etc. (schemas). I may think I'm communicating clearly, but my husband might hear something very different from what I think I'm saying. I can say…
/r/Divorce_Men17/06/26 04:49 PM
5

Answering as another woman. When my kids were young and we met with other moms/kids for playdates, 99% of the conversation was them complaining about their husbands. My husband and I agreed before marrying that at the end of the day, we have each others backs. Home should be a safe place, and your spouse should be your biggest cheerleader. We went in as partners with shared goals. We weren't in it to tear each other down. I grew up with a mother who constantly complained about my father. He didn…
/r/Divorce_Men08/06/26 07:03 PM
2

It is. My brother had a rough few years. He even sent her to live with us for a summer. But she openly appreciates him and his love and patience now, and she completely understands why the rules were there.
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/26 03:31 PM
6

Continue texting to tell him you love him or to share anything you know he'd find interesting. Don't pressure him to text, talk, visit, etc. Just be a steady presence. My brother went through the same with his daughter when she was the same age. Mom was permissive and allowed everything; Dad had rules. She's now in her 30s and they're close. She knows (and knew) he was there for her. She just couldn't/didn't want to admit it as a teen.
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 09:28 PM
2

I might do it, lol.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 05:46 PM
2

What a horrible thing for her to have said. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Ironically, my son's ex said almost the exact same thing, which was ridiculous given the way she literally got fired within a couple of months from every job she had over the year and a half of their marriage. He'd gotten her the last of those jobs with the company he works for (different location). She got fired for calling out of work all the time. HR actually came to my son and said, "We're really sorry, but …
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 03:45 PM
4

I agree. There are also underlying issues/conditions that can make it much easier for someone with narcissistic tendencies to manipulate and control. My son has struggled with depression at various points in his life, so for someone with bad intentions, it's probably fairly easy to convince him he's at fault/not worthy/unloved in spite of what he intellectually knows.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 05:21 AM
1

And you as well!
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 02:29 AM
1

Thank you, inek3n. I'm so sorry you don't have one. I didn't either, and neither did my husband, so I understand how that feels. We've worked hard to break the cycle. Edit to add: I hope my post can help those who don't have someone to turn to. If you don't have family, reach out to friends. If friends can't help, reach out to a therapist. Just don't let yourself isolate and face it alone.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 02:27 AM
2

Interesting question! Yes, but it's hard to know what's true and what isn't. She's said she lived with her father until she was 13 and he treated her like a maid. Then she moved in with her mother, who is addicted to drugs, and her step-father who's also addicted to drugs and very volatile. We've never met mom and stepdad. They didn't come to the wedding because, according to her, they were too strung out. Dad came to the wedding and was very friendly and seemingly supportive, but ... abusers ca…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/26 02:06 AM
7

Thanks to this forum for helping me, and him through me, through it. I initially felt out of place coming here to ask for help, but it was so valuable to both of us. Edit to add: It strikes me as funny that me, a woman heading into 60, was the one here, while my son, 26, doesn't do social media so had to hear things through me. But thank you all for it!
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 11:30 PM
2

This is very true. We're a very close family, I was a psychotherapist for years (edit to add: 20+ years ago), and still the amount of chaos she caused is mind-blowing. We (his siblings, dad, me, another daughter-in-law that we adore, his best friend since first grade) were in constant contact, always checking in with each other because the stunts she pulled were outrageous. Had we not been so close, always checking in, I hate to think what could have happened.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 11:15 PM
3

Really glad to hear it's better now. Hopefully it's up from here on out.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 10:46 PM
2

That's so sad. Well, I'll send post-trip wishes for fun times and congratulations to you now. It's worth celebrating. Edited because my brain went faster than my fingers (unusual!).
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 10:45 PM
4

I think it's hard for the people in it to realize it's happening, there's so much manipulation going on. But how sad that you couldn't celebrate something so huge. Cheers to you for that accomplishment.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 10:43 PM
5

Thank you, Drewbo. We're very lucky to have him. Edited for typo.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 10:39 PM
5

Absolutely. We know she was verbally and psychologically abusive. We know she threw violent tantrums, screaming, breaking, throwing and hitting things. He hasn't yet told us she was also physically abusive, but I won't be at all surprised if he tells us at some point that she was. Early in the relationship, she used to come at him as if to hit him. They broke up multiple times over all this stuff, but then she convinced him that she'd changed. We highly doubted it, but he married her, and as soo…
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 09:49 PM
5

That's one of their goals, to create so much shame the person is too embarrassed to reach out and ask for help. I hope you're okay now.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 09:31 PM
6

It isn't, and she knew that. That's why she tried so hard to damage the relationship he has with us. If she could keep us away, she had him trapped. He told me he started to notice how different his older brother's marriage was from his, and that started to open his eyes. He said he went out to dinner with them once, and his sister-in-law didn't even get mad when he and his brother talked about their hobbies. He was surprised by that.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 09:29 PM
2

I'm glad you found a good therapist to help. I can't imagine how hard it would be after 23 years. I wish you the very best in your new relationship (but yes, take your time!). I think that's a part of it, isn't it? That it becomes so normalized people in it don't even realize the damage being done. We saw it from the outside, but she was good at isolating him, and he also felt duty bound. His dad and I have been married for 33 years, so I think a part of him probably felt like he needed to stay …
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 09:26 PM
4

I hope you're doing okay now? And you're so right: "Self isolating is part of the diseased mind." Regarding my son, we were terrified he'd stay in it. Thank God he got away. I absolutely believe she'd have stolen his life away. She was already well on the way to it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 09:09 PM
6

I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I hope you made it out okay. Thankfully, my son is more himself than I've seen since they started dating five years ago (married 1.5 years, no kids, so lucky in that regard). At the moment, he says he's done with relationships. He'd rather focus on cars. I think that's a good thing for now.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 09:06 PM
3

You're very welcome. I hope it can help someone.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 08:56 PM
2

No. You can be a civilian therapist through the DoD, or you can work for a contractor. Check USAjobs.gov for openings.
/r/Divorce_Men19/05/26 06:31 PM
1

Thank you! And you're absolutey right. A gaslighting narcissist. Thankfully, he's young. I told him someday, this will feel like a little blip in a long life.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/26 09:26 PM
1

Just popping in to ask if you've had a second opinion. Husband was scheduled for the same surgery, but he dreaded the bed for a week so much we got a second opinion. Second doctor was able to "tack" it back in place with laser. No down time. Three years later, it's fine. (Might not be the same for your case, but might be worth a second opinion.)
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/26 03:58 PM
1

Well, an update for anyone who wants it. She's refusing to leave the house.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/26 09:10 PM
1

"It is here that we have to remember that change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change." What a great way to put this. And you're right, it's the burden we carry as caring parents. It sucks to watch that pain and wonder when it'll finally be enough and how much damage will have happened in that time.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/26 01:24 PM
1

Good advice. That's the line I've been working hard to walk. I told him several times in our conversation today that this is his decision, but what I would do ... or what I see, etc. And each time he asked me a question, I asked him if he wanted my honest answer. He told me that's why he called, because he knew I'd give it if he asked. But it's hard. It's been hard the entire time they've been together, but much harder since they married because it's like watching your son become the frog in the…
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/26 04:01 AM
2

Thank you, and I will tell him. He's a good kid. Smart, hardworking. Just can't seem to get untangled. (I'm Mom, by the way - but Dad is as worried as I am.)
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 10:22 PM
2

I will, and thank you. I told him during our conversation that if he backs out now, I suspect he'll regret it for the rest of his life.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 09:18 PM
1

Thank you so much. He has so much ahead of him, but he can't see it while he's in this mess. Edit: I should add that when he first told me he couldn't do it anymore, he said he'd realized they could never have kids because he knew he'd be doing all the parenting with no help from his wife.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/26 09:17 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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