You have severe, severe depression You will continue having wild questions until you heal that Get out of NY which has draconian laws for medical treatments Look into other treatments like ketamine, low dose naltrexone, non-invasive magnetic stimulation, etc. and get off Reddit
Find Charles Black on his website or YouTube (his account got banned but there's a few podcasts left) and study what he says. He understands and can clearly teach you what you're asking for better than even a lady can. He was in your position and took learning seriously and now he's a true King in bed. How other handle is Don of Desire. He's worth your time.